(A)Nonsense

by 2Merr

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Profanity, Random, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Anthology, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 1963

Various bits of absurdity featuring Equestria's favorite green homo. (Also serves as a quarantine for most of my bad ideas.)

This is where I'm gonna post stupid Anon shorts that I think are too dumb for their own stories. Plus, it'll get these shitty ideas out of my head.

Seriously, most of these are awful. Don't expect much.

Published 2017-05-15 22:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-08 20:40:30 UTC

Just Another Day in Equestria

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. Twilight was enjoying her second cup of coffee, going over her list for the new week. A small yawn came from behind her. Spike had finally woken up, it seems. Setting her list down, she hopped off the chair to greet her number one assistant.

"Morning, sleepy-head," Twilight cooed as she nuzzled the semi-conscious dragon.

"Mmrrng," Spike mumbled, submitting to the strange pony ritual of rubbing faces together.

"I already made pancakes, so eat up when you're ready."

"Mkay." Spike crawled up into his own chair and plopped his head onto the table, already falling back asleep.

Twilight quietly sighed to herself with a smile. That silly dragon loved to sleep in. Perhaps she should let him. He's earned it.

knock knock knock

Twilight glanced at the clock in the kitchen. Seven-fifteen. That's strange. The library was closed on Sundays, and her friends never visit this early. Curious about the visitor's identity, she quickly trotted to the front door.

When she opened the door, she found herself face-to-crotch with one of them. A human. They've been popping into Equestria fairly often over the past few years. They always have the same name and the same general purpose.

"Ugh. Anon, why couldn't you bother Pinkie or Fluttershy? I'm not in the mood to deal with you right now." It's safe to say Twilight's happy morning was now ruined.

"Wait, what? How do you know my-"

"Shut it. Just tell me which one you're here for so I can give you directions and get back to doing nothing."

"Which... what? I don't understand."

Twilight tried to keep her irritation in check. "Sex. Which pony are you here to fuck? I'll point you in the right direction and you can leave me alone."

"Oh, um... I'm actually here for everyone."

Fantastic. He's one of those Anons.

"Ugh, fine. Let's get this over with," Twilight grumbled as she turned around, spread her back legs, and raised her tail. "Don't bother with foreplay, just stick it in."

"I was kind of hoping for a bit of romance before we-"

"Not. In. The. Mood," the purple unicorn growled over her shoulder. The sooner he could fuck her, the sooner he could fuck off. The rest of the ponies in Equestria might be fine with the impromptu harems every few weeks, but Twilight has gotten sick of it. She could barely tolerate the Anons that came specifically for her. There were a lot of them and they arrived often, usually with some obscure fetish she had to deal with.

"Fine, geez," the Anon mumbled before dropping his pants. He was already hard, because of-fucking-course he was. He wasted no more of Twilight's precious time and finally inserted penis into pony.

"Ahh, that's good. Yep. Oh, Celestia. Golly gee. I love your fat, monkey dick," Twilight droned in monotone.

Like most Anons, he came fairly quickly. Releasing herself with a slurping sound, Twilight stood up straight again and turned to face the newly-crowned horsefucker.

"Now leave." She tried slamming the door, but Anon jammed his foot against it.

"Aren't you going to tell me I need to work on my stamina? Maybe offer to help me practice?" She could hear the hopeful tone in his voice and it filled her with disgust.

"No." The grumpy librarian succeeded in slamming the door this time. Hard.

knock knock knock

"I swear to Slaanesh, I will rip your balls off," Twilight whispered to herself. She counted down from ten to calm her nerves. She opened the abused door to reveal the awkwardly grinning human.

"What." If he asks for a blowjob, I'm using my teeth. All of them.

Anon shuffled his feet, refusing to make eye contact. "I was just thinking... You know, since I'm already here... I might as well get Spike, too."

Twilight just looked at him, completely devoid of emotion.

Anon started to sweat under the intense stare, clearly expecting things to be much easier than they were. "A-actually, I'll just come back later, okay?"

Twilight snorted and slowly shut the door, not blinking until it closed all the way. She turned around and trotted back to the kitchen, dripping semen along the way. Spike was fully awake now, reading a letter that he probably just recently barfed up. He looked up when Twilight sat down heavily in her chair with a wet smack.

"Another Anon?" he timidly asked.

"Yes. If I have to deal with any more of them, I'm going to kill everything."

Spike grimaced and held the letter out to her. Taking it in her magic, she recognized Princess Celestia's flowing script. There were six shiny golden tickets for the next train to Caterlot attached with a small clip. She took those and placed them next to her now-cold cup of coffee. The message was short and concise: an Anon was in Canterlot and wanted to fuck the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony, one after another.

The paper burst into purple flames, the ashes falling onto Spike's pancakes. "Aw, man."

Ignoring him, Twilight and stood up and made her way upstairs. Her body moved automatically, numbly tossing essentials into a saddlebag. When it was completely full, she walked back downstairs and headed straight past Spike, who was still mourning the loss of his breakfast.

Stopping at the door, she glanced longingly at the glass case sitting on the front desk. Inside of it rested the Alicorn Amulet—an artifact that could easily give Twilight enough power to kill every Anon in Equestria. She might even be able to get away with it.

"...Maybe one day," she sighed, leaving to gather her friends. At least she wouldn't have to deal with this shit by herself.

Pony Slurs

"So then I said, 'Oatmeal? Are you fucking retarded?'"

"Hey, that's my joke! And you didn't even tell it right!"

Anon ignored the pouting pink poofball and continued telling recycled jokes to the group of foals before him. He and Twilight had been filling in for Cheerilee over the past week while she was sick. Today was Anon's day, and Pinkie tagged along like she always does. He was supposed to be giving a lesson on how human culture was different from pony culture, but that shit's boring. Instead, he decided to practice his stand-up routine on the impressionable young minds. Judging by the blank stares and occasional yawn, he's improved greatly since last time.

A brief glance at the clock on the wall told Anon he still had an hour and forty minutes left before he could abandon the little shits and get back to awkwardly stalking wooing the local cellist. Apparently, Octavia wasn't into dudes, but if his dick could turn his ex-girlfriend gay, then the opposite would surely be true for ponies.

Speaking of faggots, Anon hasn't heard very many ponies curse. Actually, he's never heard one.

"Hey Ponka, do ponies have slurs?" he asked the ADHD mare sitting at Cheerilee's desk.

"Huh?" Pinkie's tilted her head to the side. "What's a slurs?"

"A slur. You know, like a word you would call someone if you want to insult them, usually based on their race—or species I guess. Something you wouldn't normally say around kids."

"Wha- Why would there be words like that? That just sounds mean."

Fucking ponies, man.

"That's because they're supposed to be mean. Fuck it, I'll just make up my own." He muttered the last sentence under his breath.

"What was that?" Pinkie's ears tripled in size and angled toward the human. He was used to her black magic by now, so he ignored her.

"Never mind." He turned to address the future dead-weights of society. "Alright, nerds. Recess," Pinkie was the first one out the door. It was the third recess of the day, but he was the teacher, so they could play outside as much as they wanted as long as nobody died.

Now that he was alone and could concentrate, it was brainstorming time. Zebras were way too easy. Griffons, diamond dogs, and minotaurs could easily kill him and would have no qualms about doing so. It's only fun to pick on things that don't fight back, so that just left the ponies.

Earth ponies were simple: urf. It sounded close enough to 'earth.' Plus, it just sounded like a slur. Fucking urfs, always walking around and not doing magic. Disgusting.

Unicorns were a bit more difficult. 'Bonehead' was too childish. 'Horny' would get confusing. He needed to come up with something involving magic. Magic. Jick sounded offensive. Damn jicks think they're better than everyone just because they are.

Lastly, pegasi. That one was a head-scratcher. Again, the first things to come to mind—'featherbrain' and 'airhead'—were way too childish. Maybe something to do with clouds or the weather. Sky? Skyg? Skig. Perfect.

Urfs, jicks, and skigs. They each had a nice ring to them. Hopefully, they'd catch on quickly with a little bit of help from the small army of uneducated midget horses.

Anon called the wasted DNA back into the classroom. He called the foals in shortly after.

"Listen up, boys and bitches. It's time to learn some fancy words."

First Time with Chryssi

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

The Rumor Come Out

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Poke

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idk

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Just Another Day in Equestria part 2

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respect wamen

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HiE RPG

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Stepmother Goose

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Bugsecks

"Mmmm, I heard there was a new creature in Ponyville, but I didn't think you would be so... exotic. I'd love to have a taste," Chrysalis chuckled to herself. Anon was struggling against the strange goo trapping his arms and legs against the wall.

"How the fuck did you even get into my house!?" he demanded through his fear and anger.

"You left the front door open."

Dammit, not again.

"Anyway, let's get rid of these, shall we?" The changeling queen's horn lit up in a sickly green glow, and Anon's pants were torn off. That was his favorite pair. His balls were up in his stomach at this point, while Anon Jr was doing his best to follow them.

"Well, that won't do," Chrysalis hummed. "This should perk you right up." She opened her mouth, splitting her lower jaw into two pieces. Instead of a tongue, there was a mass of writhing tentacles reaching out toward the shaking human's crotch.

The effect was immediate. The tentacles caused jolts of pleasure to shoot through Anon wherever they touched. Their efforts focused on the underside of the head, quickly bringing him to full arousal.

Anon was not okay with this. The creature in front of him was horrifying and evil. He wasn't attracted to it in any way at all , but he was already fully erect. He had to stop this; he had to resist.

He cycled through the various methods of killing boners, quickly discarding each one. He didn't know very many digits of pi, and thinking of something scary wouldn't work because he was already terrified. He was left with one option.

"I'm sorry, Grandma."

At first, it worked. Thinking about that one time he accidentally saw his grandmother in the shower was painful, but necessary. Unfortunately, when his erection started to fade, the tentacles immediately doubled their efforts. He tried to focus on the saggy tits, the wrinkly ass, but it seemed Grandma just wasn't enough.

Anon was close, now. He felt his dick seize up, his muscles clenched. He tried calling on his grandmother one last time, but all he managed was a moan as he shot his load into the changeling's pseudo-tongue.

"Oh, Grandma..."

Chrysalis froze, the tentacles snapping back into her mouth. Anon just hung against the wall, his eyes closed as he tried to catch his breath.

"Yeah, I'm just... gonna leave. Right now." She quickly flew out the door with a horrified expression on her face. She may be a disgusting abomination, but this thing was a freak.