“Um… Not to be rude…” said Twilight, trying to keep her temper intact. “But what are you doing in my home?”
“Practicing,” said Trixie, totally oblivious to Twilight’s clear annoyance. She focused on the book that was sitting atop the table and fired a jet of magic. The book began to glow, then transformed into a dainty teacup. “See? Trixie is getting even better! And Trixie thought such things were impossible!”
“Which book was that?”
“Some dingy autobiography by a nopony unicorn. Starblur or something.”
Twilight’s eye visibly twitched, but she did well at keeping her anger reigned in.
“No, that's fine. There's plenty of ancient, unique, one-of-a-kind books written by the greatest unicorn mage of all time!” said Twilight through gritted teeth. “Where's Starlight?”
“She went to go put away all the teacups I made,” said Trixie. “There's somewhere north of four dozen. Which reminds me, you owe me 1,200 bits.”
“And why did you make so many Celestia-forsaken teacups?”
Trixie thought on it, tapping her chin as she contemplated. She hovered three more books, each as ancient and rare as the first, and turned them all into teacups.
“Trixie likes teacups,” said Trixie.
“Starlight! I need to speak with you!” called Twilight, curbing her urge to send Trixie to the darkest recesses of outer space. “As soon as equinely possible!”
“Coming, Twilight!” Starlight’s voice rang throughout the castle, originating from the kitchen. After a few minutes, she entered the room, carrying a tray of tea and sandwiches, which she set on the table. “Hello, Twilight. How are you?”
“Do you know about your friend transforming my priceless books into teacups?” asked Twilight. Starlight glanced at Trixie, who was nonchalantly whistling, turning the cup over in her magic. Starlight yanked it with her own spell, then quickly transformed it back into its original form.
“Here you go, Twilight, sorry about that,” said Starlight. “Trixie’s just getting a bit excited at her own progress.” Starlight turned to her friend, frowning slightly. “Trixie, say you’re sorry.”
“Why should Trixie be sorry for her flawless transformation spells?” asked Trixie. “If anything, Twilight Snarkle should be sorry that she doesn’t have more books for Trixie to turn into teacups! Who needs books, anyway? You can’t drink tea out of a book! They’re useless!”
Twilight looked as if she was about to pounce on Trixie and strangle her with her bare hooves, but was luckily stopped by a gentle gesture from Starlight, who used her magic to manufacture a squirt bottle filled with water. She sprayed Trixie mercilessly with water, causing the magician to flinch in surprise.
“Bad Trixie! Bad!” scolded Starlight. “You’re being a really mean filly, and you need to apologize! Bad!”
“Ah! Ah! Okay, fine, just stop!” begged Trixie. “The Polite and Apologetic Trixie is sorry!”
“She’s sorry for…?”
“Seriously?”
Starlight summoned a newspaper with her magic and swatted Trixie on the head.
“Sorry for transforming your books without permission! And for calling you Twilight Snarkle!” Trixie cowered as Starlight smacked her one last time before, with a satisfied nod, she teleported her disciplinary tools back to where she got them.
“Good girl,” said Starlight.
“You two have a weird relationship,” said Twilight. “But, you know, whatever makes you happy. And I hate to put the brakes on your learning, but I really need you to leave. I need to get things ready for Sunday, and I'm actually really behind.”
“Hm? What's Sunday?” asked Starlight. Twilight stared at her as if she had just sprouted a second head. Then, she thought about it. Starlight was very much similar to herself in a lot of ways, and, if Twilight had forgotten just how important this upcoming Sunday was, she'd have a panic attack. So the princess decided to be as careful and tactful as possible.
“Er… It's, well… You know, there's no shame in having forgotten, it's not too late,” said Twilight. “But Sunday is Mother's Day.”
The room fell silent for several moments, during which Twilight prepared herself for the worst of the freak-out. If Starlight responded half as poorly as Twilight expected, there would be another Cutie Mark cult formed in the coming hours.
“Oh,” said Starlight. “That's cool, I guess. You plan on having your mom over?”
“Uh… Yeah? Spike and I have brunch plans.”
“That's nice. Just let us finish our quick little lunch and we'll be out of your mane.”
“You're taking this extraordinarily well,” said Twilight. “You should be panicking because you have nothing ready for Mother's Day. I mean, you shouldn't be, because I can totally help you if you need it, but you should be concerned.”
“Oh, I don't celebrate Mother's Day,” said Starlight. “I haven't spoken to my mom in somewhere around eight years.”
“What?!”
“Look, I was a psycho when we met, and crazy doesn't just pop up out of nowhere. That's a trait that comes from somewhere.”
“You just don't talk to your mom?”
“Not worth the hassle. I’m telling you, I probably have the craziest mom in all of Equestria,” said Starlight. Trixie hovered a sandwich from the tray, idly transforming it to a teacup and back.
“Puh-lease, Starlight Glimmer. Your mother may be eccentric, but Trixie by far has the most dysfunctional family ever!”
“Heh. I seriously doubt that,” said Starlight. “When I was a filly, my mom called me a loser for wetting the bed.”
“Ha! I wish my mother called me something as nice as loser! My mother didn't name me until I was six!”
“Seriously?” asked Twilight, taking a seat next to Starlight and swiping a sandwich from the tray.
“Why do you think Trixie speaks almost exclusively in the third person? She was so excited to finally have a name.”
“My mom said I would never get my Cutie Mark because my head was too big to have a destiny,” countered Starlight.
“My mom told me my Cutie Mark meant I was destined to be a stripper,” said Trixie. “Trixie didn't even know what a stripper was!”
“Okay, well, try this on for size. I was eight years old,” said Starlight. “I had just gotten my Cutie Mark, right? So we’re having this big party to celebrate. Mom was supposed to get the cake. The whole party goes by without anypony ever seeing so much as a glance of my mom. Then, just as people start leaving, she shows up, holding a big triple-chocolate fudge cake, with chocolate icing and chocolate ganache. She then proceeds to take the whole thing and slam it directly on my head, laugh, then kick out all of my friends and go to sleep.”
“That’s not so bad,” lied Trixie. Even she could admit that that was pretty terrible.
“Sorry, I left something out of the story.” Starlight grinned morbidly. “I’m also highly allergic to chocolate. I burst into hives and was itching for weeks.”
“Yikes. That is quite awful. But, alas, Starlight Glimmer, you still lose,” said Trixie. “Because, while your mother may have neglected you on your Cutie Mark party, my mother has neglected me on the most important day of my life. The birthday of the Great and Powerful Trixie!”
“She didn’t show up to your birthday?”
“She barely showed up at my actual birth! She got carted off to the hospital, popped me out, and left. They had to track her down to give me back,” said Trixie, smiling widely. She had won the unofficial “worst mother” contest for sure. “And, in all 24 glorious years of my life, I never once got so much as a ‘happy birthday’ from my mother. I didn’t know you celebrated birthdays until I was twelve. And when I finally asked her why we never celebrated, she said it was because she forgot what day it was.”
“Holy haystacks,” said Starlight. “That sounds terrible… Yeah, I think you might’ve won this one, Trixie. That’s pretty rough.”
“See? Told you. Nopony has a more terrible mother than the Great and Powerful Trixie!”
“Are you sure you should be bragging about that?”
Trixie was about to respond, but found herself distracted by the sounds of laughter. Both she and Starlight followed the sound to its source: a snickering, clearly-amused alicorn princess.
“And what exactly is so funny, Snarkle?” asked Trixie. Starlight summoned her newspaper, which caused Trixie to immediately take it back. “Twilight. Sorry.”
“No, it's nothing. I just expected something actually bad,” said Twilight.
“And being abandoned at the hospital and then having your mom forget the day you were born don't constitute as ‘bad’ to you?” asked Starlight.
“Well, sure, it's bad, but it's not ‘worst mother in Equestria’ bad.”
“And I suppose you have a story to top it?”
Twilight sighed, then poured herself a cup of tea, knowing full well that she might need something a bit stronger by the time she was finished.
“It all started when I was five,” said Twilight, sipping her tea. “On Hearth’s Warming Eve…”
“And he comes to visit all the little foals in Equestria?” asked Twilight. Shining Armor chuckled at his sister’s childlike wonder, then tucked her gently into bed. He was a bit remiss that his parents weren’t here for Hearth’s Warming Eve, but it couldn’t really be helped. They were busy ponies, and a holiday fundraiser was just a part of their job. Still, Shining was glad to know that at least their mother would make it home before morning.
“You betcha, Twily,” said Shining. “Santa comes and gives presents to all the good fillies and colts in Equestria. Have you been a good girl this year, Twily?” Twilight nodded so hard, her horn was liable to go flying off. “Then he’ll be here with gifts for you. But you have to stay in bed, understand? Santa won’t come if you’re up and about.”
“Why not?”
“Uh… He’s shy?”
“Ohhhh!”
“Alright, Twily, it’s time for bed. Goodnight, LSBFF,” said Shining, giving his baby sister a kiss on the forehead.
“Goodnight, BBBFF!”
Twilight watched her brother leave, then snuggled up close to her favorite stuffed animal in an attempt at sleep. But, after what must’ve been an hour of cuddles, it became clear that Smarty Pants would be no help to her on that night. She tossed and she turned, the sheer excitement of the next day too much for her little body to handle.
“What’s that, Smarty?” Twilight lifted her doll up and staring into her mismatched button eyes. “You wanna go see if he’s here?”
The doll’s head was gripped in a faint, sparkly lavender glow, then quickly nodded. Despite being the one responsible for Smarty’s display of agreement, Twilight still seemed shocked.
“But Smarty! Shiny said that Santa won’t come if we’re not in bed!” said Twilight. She watched her best friend intently, grasping onto her every word.
“Well… okay, Smarty,” said Twilight. “You argue a good point. But just one peek. Then, we have to go back to bed.”
Twilight rolled out of bed, sitting Smarty Pants carefully onto her back. The two quietly tip-hooved out of her room. She trotted down the dark, quiet hall, then spilled into the living room. Twilight gasped, her eyes growing wide as saucers at what she saw.
It was very clearly Shining Armor who was standing there, slipping presents under the tree. He wore a red and white Santa outfit, and a very unconvincing beard. Though Shining clearly put his all into the costume, it was mediocre at best. as far as disguises went.
“Santa!” said Twilight, her underdeveloped child brain incapable of seeing through her brother's barely-passable disguise. Shining looked up, the cogs in his brain turning quickly as he struggled to come up with a plan.
“Er… Twilight Sparkle! My favorite filly,” said Santa Armor. “Um… What are you doing out of bed?”
“You know my name?” Twilight was in total awe for a few moments until, slowly, logic began to seep through her wonder and whimsy. “Wait, duh, you have that list. Oh, I'm sorry, Santa, I was just so, so excited, and I wanted to meet you, and my best stuffed friend Smarty Pants wanted to say hi.” Twilight grabbed Smarty’s hoof with her magic and made it wave through the air.
“Well… I suppose that's okay,” said Shining Claus, chuckling slightly at his dear little sister. “Now, run along and go back to bed, dear.”
“Okay!”
Before she could take a step for her bed, the door flew open. Twilight Velvet stumbled into the house, swaying in the doorframe for a bit before clumsily stepping in and shutting the door behind her. Her hair was disheveled and messy, and her cheeks were tinged red. There was a strange smell to her that Twilight couldn't recognize, but Shining immediately knew to be wine.
“Mommy!” cheered Twilight. “You're home!”
“Yup,” said Velvet, her words slurred near the point of incoherence. “How're you doin’, baby?” She hiccuped, then looked up at Shining. She shrieked in panic, then fired a blast of magic at the strange bearded man who, in her kind, was intruding into her home. It connected with Shining’s forehoof, knocking him down and tossing his beard askew.
“Gah! Son of a bitch! Mom!” shouted Shining. He tried to stand, but buckled under his own weight.
“Santa, no!” Twilight ran forward, tears in her eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Wha…? Shiny, is that you?” asked Velvet. “The hell are you doing dressed like that?”
“Mom! It’s Hearth’s Warming,” hissed Shining. “You shot me on Hearth’s Warming! Damn it, this hurts!”
“Ah, you’ll be fine, don’tworryaboutit…”
“I’m bleeding, Mom!”
“It’s your fault, really,” hiccuped Velvet, drunkenly swaying deeper into the room. “You shouldn’t have been sneaking around like that. You know Canterlot is stand-your-ground. You should've been prepared.”
“Wait…” Twilight slowly began putting the pieces together. “Shiny? Is that you?”
“‘Course it’s Shining. You didn’t really think Santa was real, did you?” said Velvet. She gripped Shining’s wound with her magic and clumsily forced it shut. “There, that’ll close up in a few, just give me a minute…”
“Santa’s… Not real…?”
“Not at all.”
Twilight’s tiny five-year-old heart shattered. Every nice display of beauty and joy that she had ever witness was now under investigation. With that revelation, Twilight became convinced that there was no good in the world.
“Don’t listen to her, Twily,” said Shining, fighting through the pain. “He’s real, I promise!”
“No he’s not,” yawned Velvet. “He’s made up, like the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and true love.”
“T-there’s no Tooth Fairy?” asked Twilight. Her mother shook her head. “B-but why did I get a bit under my pillow when my tooth fell out?”
“I put it there. I owed you money, anyway,” said Velvet. “I was short on bits last week and I had to take some from your piggy bank.”
“You broke Lady Oinkington?! You said it was an earthquake!”
“Mom… What… What did you shoot me with?” asked Shining. “I can’t feel my hoof…”
“Yeah, that’ll be the paralysis spell. It’ll pass, probably.”
Twilight couldn’t believe this. How could everything go so wrong on what was supposed to be the greatest day of the year?
“Mommy? Is Shiny gonna die?” asked Twilight, the terror in her voice thick enough to cut with a knife.
“No… I’m gonna be… fiiiiinnnnnne…” Shining might’ve said more, were it not for his mother’s paralysis spell kicking in. He slumped, unable to move an inch.
“Well, everypony dies some day,” said Velvet. “But I don’t think Shining is gonna kick the bucket tonight.”
Twilight stopped, unable to move after hearing what her mother had said. That… That couldn’t be right. There must’ve been some mistake.
“Everypony?” sniffled Twilight, trying to keep the tears contained.
“Yup. Your brother, me, your father. Even you. You’ll die someday. You’ll get old and weak and then die.”
“B-b-but what about Princess Celestia?” Twilight was grasping at straws here, unable to accept this as fact. “She’s more than a thousand years old!”
“Yeah, and she’s a black magic user. What, you thought she made it this long by eating her vegetables?” Velvet laughed derisively. “Grow up, honey. That lady made a pact with Satan or something.”
“But Grandma told me that Princess Celestia would live forever because she was such a good, nice, pretty pony that nothing bad could ever happen to her!”
“When did Grandma tell you that?”
“Before she left on her vacation.”
“Ah, no wonder. She was going senile by then,” said Velvet. “She went a bit crazy near the end.”
“The… end…?”
“Yeah, Grandma’s dead. That vacation thing was a lie.”
Twilight was silent for a few moments, staring at her mother in shock. She waited for somepony to come let her know that it was all a joke, that everything was okay. When that didn’t happen, Twilight did the only logical thing; she dropped to her butt and burst into tears. Velvet clutched her head, slowly walking to her bedroom.
“Whatsthematter with you?” she slurred.
“I didn’t know any of those things!” bawled Twilight.
“Well, now you know all of those things. You’ll have a leg up on the kids at school.”
Twilight Velvet made it about four steps in the direction of her room before she passed out, her extreme inebriation finally too much for her to cope with. Twilight cried even louder, squeezing Smarty Pants for emotional and moral support.
“Not Grandma…” she sobbed.
Twilight Sparkle set her teacup down, then refilled it. She teleported a small silver flask from her cellar and used it to spike her tea with some nice, hard liquor before taking a sip. Trixie and Starlight simply stared, a glazed, confused, disbelieving expression plastered across both of their faces.
“So, that’s my oldest Hearth’s Warming experience,” said Twilight. “Sorry if I couldn’t recall everything perfectly. I sorta repressed that particular memory.”
“Geez… That kinda put the cake thing to shame,” said Starlight. “How are you a normal, functioning member of society after all of that?”
“I’m not. I’m an obsessive, neat-freak perfectionist magical princess with a hero complex and an unhealthy obsession with my grade school teacher.”
“Trixie has a question,” said Trixie, raising her hoof.
“Hm?”
“After all of that, why do you even like your mom, let alone love her enough to take her to brunch?”
Twilight opened her mouth, prepared to lecture Trixie. She was going to say that nopony is perfect, and, rather than hold the grudge, the pragmatic thing to do would be to forgive and forget. She was going to say that, though her mother had made some mistakes, she never did anything to intentionally hurt her. She was going to say that love should be unconditional, and that one should cherish and respect their mother forever, regardless of past transgressions.
As the memory played back in her mind, however, Twilight thought better of it.
“I'm canceling brunch,” said Twilight. “I'll just tell her that the castle burned down or something.”
“So, the weekend is free,” said Starlight. “What now?”
“Wanna get blackout drunk to escape the horrible memories?” asked Trixie.
“Way ahead of you, Trix,” said Twilight, taking a long draw from her flask. “Way ahead of you.”
Author's Note
This is a late little Mother's Day joke. Don't take it seriously.
Go hug your mother.
