"You must retire, Your Majesty" stated Raven Inkwell in her formal way. The unicorn mare's horn glowed pinkish as she pulled Luna's cup and snacks away from her. "Princess Celestia's orders."
Luna gave a tremendous pout. "I am no foal in need of bed times."
"Then, I trust, you will be retiring without further prompting, Your Majesty."
Luna's expression hardened, but she rose and began to walk off with some faint muttering.
Raven gave a small smile towards the smaller sister of her employer. "To think, once I was so frightened of you." Her tone sounded warm and she began cleaning the mess left behind. Sure, castle staff would be along to do it eventually, but Raven felt obliged after touching it at all.
As she moved Luna's large coffee mug, the scent of it teased at her nose, making it flare. That smelled... nice. Raven licked her lips. It had been a trying worktime, and she was not done yet. A little sip might be just the thing to help her keep her momentum. "She isn't going to finish it..." she said to herself in idle justification.
She lifted the cup in her magic. "Luna should be sleeping anyway." She tipped it back, allowing the black fluid to flow to her lips. She gave a light pull and the elixir, sweet and bitter at once, graced her tongue.
Celestia looked around from her throne. "Has anypony seen Raven? She is usually present to begin the review of the day's itinerary."
One of the guards shook his head. "I haven't seen her, Princess, should I go look for her?"
"Please." She nodded. "It's most unlike her to--"
The door to the court burst open with a pink glow. Raven stood there, right eyelid twitching as she jittered her way forward, clipboard hovering spastically in her magic. "Reporting for duty, Your Majesty!"
All eyes turned to stare at Raven as she trotted forward, almost pronking at times in energetic bounces. "I'm here! I was reviewing... everything! I found some... inefficiencies I wanted to..." She paused, a large cup drifting from behind her and moving quickly to her snout for her to get a renewing sip of that heavenly potion. "Mmm, go over!"
Celestia knew Raven well enough to know something was amiss. Her eyes swept over the shaking unicorn, then the mug she held. It was not one she immediately recognized, until it turned a little, just enough to let Celestia see the moon emblazoned on it. "Raven," she said, keeping her voice even and gentle. "Why are you drinking from Luna's cup?"
"Cleaning up." Raven nodded, looking confident that all had been explained. "To start with, why do we have lunar and solar guards? Shouldn't they all be Equestrian guards? We are a unified..." She paused to get another little sip. "A unified nation! Relatedly, it would be good if you two got regular practice with the other's celestial body, so whoever is available can handle it with confidence."
Raven thrust a hoof up at the curtains, the limb shaking in the air. "The color's wrong."
Celestia tilted her head a little. "What... color would you recommend?" She had no idea what was wrong with the simple color they had. "Are you certain you should be drinking that? Luna prepares an especially potent mix."
Raven laughed, a shrill noise that cut off as abruptly as it had begun. "Never felt better! Now where was I... Oh right." She turned to one of the guards. "You forgot Princess Celestia's birthday!"
The guard stammered, eyes darting around wildly.
"Don't try to hide it." Raven stepped towards him. "I know you just went along with the others to save face. For shame! She's Princess. Celestia. She works so hard for us! The least we can do is remember a date!"
She stumbled, her muscles refusing to work in proper harmony. The very guard she was accusing caught her and set her upright once more. "Thank you." She nodded and turned away as if no dialogue had occurred. "Shall we go over the itinerary? We have a busy day ahead of us."
Celestia tapped the ground before her. "Would you come closer, Raven?"
Raven smiled brightly and trotted in. "I love being your right-hoof mare," she sang as she went. "We get so many things done. Now, first on the list." She brought the clipboard ahead of her face, reading as she went. "Philomena was caught terrorizing Minuette last night. I recommend a harsh punishment. Can you cook a phoenix?"
"I suggest against it." Celestia watched her assistant stumble in and caught her in her magic as Raven moved to plow right into Celestia, her face buried in her clipboard. "I think you've had enough..." Celestia reached with her magic for Luna's mug.
Raven's magic flared brightly as she yanked it away from Celestia's grip. "No! I can see where we've been going wrong! I can see everything!" She looked Celestia over with darting eyes. "Your colors swapped."
"Pardon?"
"The order of your colors is all wrong." Raven frowned. "We should summon the royal manedresser immediately!"
One of the guards whispered to another, "We should summon the psychiatrist."
"Or a doctor," replied the second.
Celestia frowned a little. "Raven, you are a dear pony to me, you know this, right?"
Raven's expression turned to one of shock, eyes wide and mouth hanging agape. "How did I miss this?! I mean... Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!" She began bouncing in place. "I'm going to get married!"
Celestia applied a hoof to her head. "Raven... There are... complications with that idea. Please, first, set down that cup and step away from it."
Raven brought the mug to her snout instead and sniffed it. "Still good." She sipped gently. "Mmm, I'm full of energy. Let's move on." The clipboard rapidly swung into view. "The kitchen staff is consistently out of salt. I suggest we open a salt mine in or near the badlands. They have plenty of salt, built up from years of changeling occupation! Chrysalis alone produced enough to keep Equestria in supply for the foreseeable future."
Celestia could barely restrain a smirk from her face. "I will consider." Her magic reached, trying to slip that mug away from Raven while she was staring at the clipboard, but it was not to be. Every snatch and grab saw the mug flitting away under Raven's caffeine-fueled power.
"Next on the list." Raven tapped at the clipboard with a shaking hoof. "Coffee."
"We drink too much of it?" suggested Celestia hopefully.
"Not enough." Raven clopped a hoof on the floor. "I suggest we provide coffee to all students in Canterlot, to enhance learning and study! Look how it's helped me!" She gave a smile that was a little too wide. "The benefits versus the cost makes this an easy decision."
Celestia gave a small nod. "An interesting idea." She made no promises, however. "Raven, you've been so helpful today, I think you deserve a break."
Raven tilted her head faintly. "A break? I... Princess... I mean, Celestia. Married ponies shouldn't use titles, that's silly." She waved away the idea. "Celestia, I don't take breaks. The country needs me."
"The country needs you taken care of." She cleared her throat softly. "As your wife, I demand you take a nap."
Raven went bright as a cherry in her cheeks. "As my wife," she sighed out, going limp before her brow creased in a sudden frown. "No, no, that won't do. I'm sorry, but we can't get married." She shook her head. "As much as I appreciate the offer, we have to consider the image of Equestria. I will remain your loyal assistant." She cleared her throat. "Next on the list! The jails are empty more often than not. I suggest we use the space as a gaming area for foals, giving them a safe, secure, place to frolic."
Her eyes suddenly went wide. "Be right back!" She galloped from the room without another word.
Luna's mug shattered on hitting the ground.
Celestia cleared her throat softly. "I fear my assistant has found another property of coffee. Please see her from the little filly's room directly to her own and enforce a day of relaxation and detoxification for the poor dear."
The guards on either side of the aisle nodded. One stepped forward and helped clear away the mess left by the broken mug.
Author's Note
A silly little oneshot as suggested by Iakovl as part of the patreon. I hope you enjoyed this caffeinated story.
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