I don't want to set the world on fire, I just want to put out the flames on my body
Author's Note
Disclaimer: This is a work of parody and not meant as an attack on any works, individuals, or those suffering from depression. Enjoy/despair, and once again, I will not apologize for art.
I don't want to set the world on fire, I just want to put out the flames on my body
I Don’t Want to be On Fire
Well out of bad days you’ve had, and you’ve had many in your rather morose life, this one is definitely near the top. Sure, things began ordinarily enough. You woke up to another day of perfect weather in Ponyville, had a simple, lonesome breakfast, considered talking to one of the many, many cute mares in town. Then you struggled with your own shyness, crawled back into bed and cried for a bit, got out. You decided maybe some fresh air would be good for you so you went out for lunch.
Getting nervous when the cute waitress asked you what you wanted and screaming, “COMPANIONSHIP AND SOME GRASS AND FLOWERS AND STUFF!” was certainly a low point… as was bursting into tears when she nervously mentioned that she could at least get you the grass and flowers.
At least the food was okay… salty and a bit soggy, but that’s hardly the restaurant’s fault. Things looked up for a bit when the resident cutie mark experts tried to cheer you up.
Though, that led to the current problem.
Experts at cutie marks or not, those three probably shouldn’t have easy access to fireworks and copious amounts of lamp oil.
This, once again, brings you to your current predicament.
“I’M ON FIRE!”
You’re on fire. And not in the good figurative sense of you having a series of victories, because, you know… That never happens. You’re on fire in the very literal sense.
“AAAAAAAHHHHHH!”
On the bright side (heh heh), somepony is bound to pay attention to you now! Also that Human Torch cosplay you've been thinking about doing, but had strong concerns about safety for, has officially been crossed off your list for life… as short as it might be at this point.
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”
Any second now…
“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”
ANY second now!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Or… Uh… I guess everypony could leave you to die. Huh… Wonder what happened to the CMC? Hopefully they went to get help or—
“HiiiiiEEEEE!”
FINALLY! Wait… is that… Okay… she looks a little more orange than usual, but so does everything at the moment. Still… that high-pitched voice. Those curls. It could only be…
“I’m Pinkie Pie!” the mare answers as if reading your mind… Wait, can she do that?
“Hehehe… Well, say something, silly!”
Apparently not.
Okay Anon, play it cool. Sure it took you being immolated to attract the attention of a cute mare, but you totally got this. “I’M ON FIRE! IT BUUUUUURRRRRNS!”
… You don’t got this at all… ‘It burns!’ Seriously?! Anypony can see that it burns just by looking at you.
Pinkie giggle snorted. “Well… obviously.”
See!
Oh right… you’re literally burning to death… Perhaps it would be a good idea to prioritize not being on fire over socializing with a cute mare, despite how infrequent the latter happens in your life.
“Oh, Celestia! Please help me!”
Pinkie simply looks off into the distance expectantly.
“AAAAAAHHH! What are you doing?!”
“I’m looking over at Canterlot Castle!” Pinkie answers in a bubbly tone. She pulls out a pair of binoculars from her mane and stares through them at the castle. “Hmmm… I don’t think she heard you.”
“WHAT?! WHO?!”
“Well Celestia, d’uuuuuh!” Pinkie giggles to herself. “I mean, you only just called for her a few seconds ago!”
“NO… I MEANT… YOU! YOU PLEASE HELP ME!”
“Ooooooohhh!” Pinkie replies. “Um, With what?”
“I’m DYING!”
“We’re all dying, silly! Well… except for Celestia… and her sister… and Princess Cadence… also Twilight… Ooo! Ooo! And maybe Flurry Heart? Hey! Maybe if we figure out how to turn you into a princess it would help your dying problem!”
“THAT’S NOT MY PROBLEM!”
Pinkie rubbed her chin slightly. “Weeeell… Guess it’s sort of everypony’s problem…” Her face lit up. “So we just need to figure out how to make everypony a Princess!”
“My problem specifically is that I’m on FIRE!”
“You’re not on fire, Anon… No, wait…” Pinkie reaches into her mane and pulls out a stick with a marshmallow on it. She places it close to your flaming body where the marshmallow begins to brown. You scream in agony as Pinkie turns the marshmallow a few times, letting the entire surface turn a perfect golden brown.
She pops the marshmallow in her mouth. “Vvvyyyep!” she says with a mouth full of gummy marshmallow before swallowing. “You are most definitely on fire!”
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”
Pinkie nods. “Oh geez, sorry! Wow… how rude of me…” Pinkie reaches into her mane and produces another marshmallow on a stick. “Want one?” she asks as she passes you the stick.
You grasp it, and the marshmallow and stick immediately catch fire.
Just like your life.
In a rather literal sense at the moment.
“Well that didn’t work!” Pinkie observes.
“Oh please! PLEASE! Just get some water or smother me or something!”
Pinkie looks at you, slightly taken aback. “Smother you?! Anon! I barely know you! And like… you should really get to know a pony better before you ask them to smother you regardless of the type of smothering you want!”
“I MEANT TO PUT OUT THE FIRE! JUST… DON’T YOU HAVE ANY WATER IN YOUR MANE?!”
Pinkie glanced up at the mess of curls on top of her head. “Now how the heck would I keep water in my mane?! I mean… sure I can store all kinds of things! But water?! It’s a liquid! My head’s not a sponge, you know!”
“No water balloons?! Or even a seltzer bottle?!”
“Well… I have a spray bottle… but it’s full of mime repellent!”
“AAAAAHHHH! Is that liquid?!”
“Well, sure, but I don’t think you want it…”
“I do! I do!”
“Well… guess I better let you have it!” Pinkie pulls out a bottle with a large nozzle and a spray of nice, refreshing liquid touches your body. This causes the flames to grow and causes a somehow even more intense burning sensation! This is really something as you figured your nerve endings would be gone at this point and also that you’d be dead.
“AAAAAAAAAHHHH! IT MADE IT WORSE SOMEHOW!”
“Well… mime repellent IS fifty percent lighter fluid and fifty percent weapons-grade mace… so yeah…” Pinkie giggles again. “That really wasn’t a great idea to ask me to use that, huh Anon?”
You open your mouth to reply, but no sound comes out… Probably on account of fire burning out your lungs and also consuming you whole. You fall to the ground a lifeless heap that’s still on fire. Still something… perhaps your soul, spirit… something still takes in the scene in front of you.
You watch as Spike walks up to Pinkie… Lucky bastard… He has no trouble walking up to mares and just talking to them.
He glances at your burning corpse then to Pinkie. “Pinkie…? I know that was just an Anon, but that was pretty fucked up.”
Pinkie giggle-snorts in reply. “Yeah, I know.”
Well, story of your life… At least the ending of your life. Oh hey! At least there’s a bright glowing light above you! No doubt to whisk you away to some sort of paradise afterlife where you’ll have an easier time talking to mares and they won’t play sadistic games with you while you burn to death in front of them.
A heavenly voice booms from above you, responding with glory and divine awe. “Anon! You’re not going to heaven! You’re just a concept! Concepts don’t get afterlives.”
Ah, nuts!
The End
