Ponies Don't Understand Drifting

by The card holder

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person
Length: 3621

Anon finds out that ponies have never heard of drifting, and so he sets out to educate them.

So it turns out ponies like to race cars around sometimes.

Except none of them know about drifting.

This will not stand.

Published 2017-05-28 05:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-28 05:30:01 UTC

Like Seriously it's a Basic Concept of Driving

Author's Note

Here, have a dumb idea I've been wanting to get out of the way.

Like Seriously it's a Basic Concept of Driving

"Twilight, why are we here again?"

"Anon, this is the fourth time you've asked, please stop."

You sigh. "Yeah, but when is it actually going to start?"

"Pretty soon, now just be patient!"

You groan as you look out from your seat at the back of the stands. Ponyville was hosting its annual "Applewood Derby", which apparently used straight up cars made by the ponies. When you asked Twilight about how exactly that worked, since most of the track was on flat ground, she gave some complex answer that you mentally boiled down to "magic".

Still, you always were a fan of motorsports back home, so seeing something similar was pretty cool, honestly, even if it was being done by a bunch of kids.

Oh well, you'll take what you can get.

Eventually, your complaining pays off when Cherilee announces that the race was starting soon, and you immediately stopped talking in favor of focusing on the race itself.

Each cart at the starting line was built differently from the last, but their designs seemed to lean towards being either the fastest, the most traditional, or the most creative.

You mainly only remember that because Twilight pretty much lectured it nonstop into your head.

Of the fillies and colts at the line, you focus on Applebloom, since she apparently won the race last year, and honestly who cares about the other two rewards?

Cherilee gives a countdown, before the race starts, and the carts pull away from the line at varying speeds. Just like you expected, Applebloom pulled ahead, reaching a rather impressive speed for a children's race.

And as the first group of carts approaches the first corner, right next to where you're sitting, for a brief moment, you feel like you're back home.

It's... quite a nice feeling, actually.

You find yourself running through how you'd approach this given turn, since it was almost a hairpin. Apply the brake, keep on the gas through the turn, and then-

You get torn out of your thoughts when Applebloom instead slows down heavily and takes the turn normally, the others doing the same behind her.

You almost get disappointed, then give a small chuckle instead. They are just kids, after all, what else did you expect?

A couple seats over, you hear Applejack let out a sigh of relief. "I gotta admit, I ain't a fan of how Applebloom takes those turns."

"It is a bit dangerous, yes," Twilight agrees, "but we'll all be watching in case something goes wrong."

Wait a second, something's not right. "That was dangerous?"

Twilight looks at you like you're stupid. "Yes? Did you see her speed going into the turn?"

"Well, yeah, but she just took the turn normally. The way you guys are talking about it, I would've expected her to, I dunno, do a high speed drift through it."

Twilight tilts her head. "A high speed what?"

You pause, and look at her. "You know, a drift?"

She just keeps looking at you.

"Is this another human thing?" Dash asks from your other side.

Oh god, it's worse than you thought. "Twilight, I need you to tell me right now, is there a race like this that I can enter."

She draws back slightly at your insistence. "Uh, well, we started holding a second race the day after the first, for the adults to take part-"

"Perfect," you cut her off, making her jump slightly. "I'm entering it."

You hear Dash laugh behind you. "You really think you could beat me, Anon?"

You ignore her taunts for now, though, in favor of focusing on Twilight's answer. "Well, it's a bit late to enter, but I suppose I could see about squeezing you into the-"

"Thank you, purple horse," you say, immediately getting up. "Now come on, we have work to do."

You leap down over the back of the stands, and Twilight gapes at you. "N- Now? We?"

You shrug. "I have some specifications I need to run by you, and magic might be needed."

She seems conflicted between staying for the rest of the race and helping you, but after some encouragement from her friends, she makes her decision. "Uh, can I finish watching this race, first?"

God dammit, why do ponies have to be so focused on supporting each other and being nice. "Fine, I'll be at the castle."

You're already coming up with ideas as you walk away. They needed to learn about drifting, so you needed something that could show it off to them.

By the time the race finished and Twilight met you back at the castle, you had already drawn up a few plans. You don't even wait for Twilight to say anything before you throw the paper at her, only knowing she caught it by the surprised yelp and the sound of her magic afterwards.

"Anon, stop throwing things at me when I enter a room!"

"Nah." You walk to her side and point at the specific drawings on the paper she was now holding. "Quick question, how good are you at manipulating metal?"

"That's foal's play, but, metal?"

"Yeah, gonna make my cart out of it. That's not illegal, is it?"

"Well, no, but, the weight would slow you down immensely. It would take longer than the others to build speed back up after turns."

You ignore her. "What about making the tires out of rubber?"

She gives you a concerned look at the dropped subject, but presses on anyway. "Rubber tires aren't uncommon, so that's less of an issue."

"Good." You start walking back out of the room. "Know where we can get some metal?"

You don't even wait on an answer before you leave the room, and you hear Twilight trotting to get back to you. "W- Wait!"

Turns out there was a local scrapyard in a quiet corner of Ponyville, and while it was rather small, it still had more than enough material to work with.

Unfortunately, Twilight immediately began shooting holes through your plans, pointing out a number of issues that would cause you to be disqualified if you showed up in a cart exactly like the one you drew up. Thankfully, the biggest issue was size, since a normal-size car for you would easily be the size of two or even three pony-sized carts.

Thankfully, you thought up the most basic "car" design you could think of, so Twilight was able to fit the metal over the (wooden, at her insistence) chassis with ease. In order to hide the fact that it was literally pieced together from a junkyard, you both set out to paint it a solid color. (Un)fortunately, you were unable to contain your inner weeb, but you're sure that none of the ponies would ask why in particular you went for white with a black hood.

You were also able to eventually convince Twilight to give your cart a bit of auditory flare, in the form of recreating the roar of a car's engine when you accelerated. You could only give examples with your own voice, though, but sounding like a complete and total idiot for a few minutes is worth it when she manages to get it close enough to work for you.

Sadly, she had no idea what a "stick shift" was, but that's probably for the best anyway, since you had no idea how to drive one anyway. She did put in a parking brake, thankfully, and you even talked her into putting all the power into the rear wheels, so hopefully those late nights yanking on it around turns to "drift" your automatic back home would be enough experience...

While you're trying out the steering wheel, making sure it feels nice, Twilight speaks up. "Say, you never did explain what exactly 'drifting' was..."

You pause, looking at your steering wheel instead of at her. "What exactly do you call it when, say, someone loses control while driving, and begins sliding on the road?"

She arches an eyebrow. "Spinning out?"

"Okay, so what if..." You struggle to find the proper words to explain. "What if you could... spin out, but stay pointed in the right direction?"

She just looks at you.

"You know," you push on, "like, taking a turn... sideways?"

"Anonymous, are you feeling okay? You're speaking nonsense again."

Oh for the love of fuck

"Look, nevermind, I'll just have to show you tomorrow."

This gets a reaction out of her. "Wait, no! If you spin out during the race, you could seriously injure yourself, or other ponies!"

"Like I just said, Purplesmart, it's not quite-"

Suddenly, she's in your face. "Promise me you won't do anything dangerous during the race."

You refuse to back down to a pony princess, even if only for selfish reasons. "Or what?"

"I'll tell everypony in town about the first night you were here."

You freeze. "You wouldn't."

"Try me."

Shit, you don't feel like calling her bluff. The last thing you need is for word to get out about what happened that day. "Fine, you win, Twibright."

She frowns at your butchering of her name, but backs up regardless. "Anyway, let's finish your cart, then."

After too long of a wait and a mostly sleepless night (and not for the usual reasons), race day is finally here. You wanted to be early, to get an idea of what the track was like, so you started pushing your car up to the line before anyone else showed up.

Huh, Twilight was right, this shit is heavy.

There was already a decent sized crowd gathered, likely trying to get the good spots in the stands and next to the track. Of course, the metal cart pushed by the town human drew plenty of looks, but you ignore them. You had to gather your focus for what was coming.

You spot Twilight near the top of the stands, and she gives a wave. You return with a thumbs up before you start doing some final tuning on the car, tightening any bolts that you felt came even the slightest bit loose during the push.

Dash is the next one to arrive at the line, with her cart being nothing if not a testament to her massive, throbbing ego.

She smirks when she sees your ride. "Wait, did you actually make a cart out of metal?!"

You don't answer.

"Because, you know that's not gonna get very far, right? You'll lose too much speed in the turns!"

You can't stop yourself from letting out a laugh. "I wouldn't be so sure."

She rolls her eyes. "Whatever, Anon."

Fluttershy joined Twilight in the stands by now, and other townsponies were starting to fill the rest of the stands. The other racers weren't far behind, pulling alongside you and Dash, or behind you when the road got full. You spotted Applejack and Rarity among the other racers, but paid them little mind, despite their questioning stares.

It was getting close to the moment of truth.

Just have to focus on your car, and the road ahead.

Cherilee once again counts down the race, still dressed in that cheerleading outfit of hers. You didn't bother questioning it the first time you saw it, and you had far more important things on your mind.

You're so focused, you don't even hear her counting down, you just focus on her raised hoof, waiting...

And...

The hoof drops.

Half of the pack immediately shoots off, gaining ground ahead as you slowly work up to their speed. Applejack and a couple others lag behind since they were going for the "traditional" award like a bunch of losers, but you didn't care.

By the time the first turn was approaching, you were just starting to close in on the other racers. From here, you could see Dash at the front of the pack, and you watched as she slowed down to take the turn normally.

You give a quick glance back at the stands behind the turn. You did make a promise to Twilight, but...

"Oh, Anon's off to a slow start..."

You shake your head. "I told him a cart made mostly out of metal would be too heavy."

Still, you were happy that he was at least trying to fit in by taking part in town events. That 'drifting' talk worried you slightly, but you know that, as unfriendly as he could be sometimes, he never went back on a promise before.

Especially when you blackmailed him, but if that's what it takes...

"Er, Twilight?"

You're shaken out of your thoughts by Fluttershy nudging you. She points to the track, where you see Anon just behind the others, reaching the first hairpin turn.

...and not slowing down.

Okay, stay calm, it's probably fine, he's just underestimating the cart's turning ability. He should be able to compensate if he slows down now...

...now...

...

"He's... not slowing down!" you say, almost yelling by the end of the sentence. Maybe the brakes weren't working properly, you'd have to-

Suddenly, before you can fire up your horn to teleport him to safety, he makes eye contact with you, and for that split second, you see something in his eyes you've never seen before.

And then the moment stopped, because he wrenched the cart to the side and slid across the dirt.

Well, it's better than colliding full speed with the stands, but now he was spinning out, so you'll probably have to go down and-

Wait, he's gone?

You do a double take at the turn, no longer seeing Anon's cart. Fluttershy points you farther down the track, where you see him driving away, far faster than should've been possible out of a turn like that.

"W- What?"

You can't keep the smile off your face. The trick worked far better than you thought it would, and while you didn't conserve all your speed through the turn, you still kept more than enough to stay competitive with the others.

Speaking of, you get a good look at a face full of shock when you pass your first racer, something you hope to keep causing through the whole race.

The next turn came up quickly, and while it wasn't nearly as sharp as the first turn, you repeated a lot of the same motions: pull parking brake, turn, keep on the throttle, then take off the brake. Just like before, it sends you into an impressive slide, and maintains most of your speed.

You can see that ponies are gaping from the side of the track, no doubt in awe of your skills. After all, apparently they've never even heard of drifting, so getting an eyewitness experience must be enlightening to them.

Another turn, another drift, and you even manage to pass another racer while doing so. In fact, you're pretty sure that was Rarity, actually, which makes it even more satisfying that your slide sent just enough dirt flying onto her gaudy cart to get a reaction.

You ignore her ensuing screech of outrage as you speed away, your sights set firmly on getting ahead of Dash. She was still keeping pace ahead of you, but every turn got you just a bit closer to overtaking her.

Another hairpin has you pass another cart, until Dash is the only one left in front. You know for a fact that she has seen you catching up by now, and you can tell she's starting to sweat.

Good.

After just another couple turns, you were right on her tail, but she was good about blocking you from passing on the straight sections of track.

You'll just need to wait for the right moment to make your move, then.

That moment comes when you see a sharp left turn coming up ahead. You could tell that Dash was already pushing her limits, because she didn't slow down to take the turn until she was nearly off the road, and then she took the very inside of the turn.

Not a problem.

You get into another drift, farther out into the turn than you'd like, but it let you conserve even more speed, letting you pull right alongside Dash. The look on her face is priceless, and you'd love to bask in it some more if you didn't have to keep your eyes on the road.

Gloating can come later, though.

She starts slowly edging in front of you again, but that's quickly put to a halt at the next turn, where your slide keeps her firmly behind you.

And with that, all that was left was to finish.

There actually wasn't that much track left, but you still pulled off a few more good drifts before you came back to where you started, and crossed the line. Naturally, you brought your car sideways to bring it to a stop, and then you simply waited for the applause.

...any second now.

You look around. All of the ponies were simply staring at you with some combination of shock, awe, and confusion. Even when Dash finally caught up to take second place, they didn't visually react.

Making sure you weren't about to get run over by another racer, you slowly get out of the cart and stand up straight, looking at the crowd. They follow your movements with rapt attention.

Dash is, too, from her own stopped cart, but her emotions are a bit easier to read. "You cheated!"

That gets a laugh out of you. "What makes you say that?"

"There's no way you could keep that thing going that fast through turns!"

"Remember that thing I said about drifting?"

She starts to give a rebuttal, but then stops, and her eyes slowly widen in realization. "You mean... that was...?"

"Yep."

You look over to Cherilee at the side of the road, and your gaze seems to shock her out of her confusion, and she brings up her megaphone.

"And the winner of this Applewood Derby is... Anon!"

At first, the crowd doesn't react. Then, slowly, they start applauding, though you get the feeling it was more out of reflex than anything, especially when the rest of them join in.

Once all the other racers had finished, the crowd started filling the road to talk with their friends and family who competed. Twilight flies over to you and Dash, and her face is completely unreadable to you.

Oh, shit, that's right. "Look, Twilight-"

"Anon." She just keeps looking at you. "That was... something."

"Thanks, I guess-"

"But if I recall, you promised me not to do anything dangerous during this race."

"Okay, look, that's just how humans race back home, especially on dirt."

She tilts her head. "Really?"

"Yeah, and honestly that was all an amateur job compared to what I've seen those guys do."

You can see the gears turning in her head. "Still, you made a promise."

"And I tried to keep it as best as I could. No one was hurt, right?"

"Well, no, but..." She sighs. "Fine, you win."

Wait, that worked? "Thank you, purplesmart."

"Stop calling me those stupid names!"

Suddenly, Pinkie. "Wowie, Anon! That was super cool! You were like zoom, and then you went," she imitates the sound of squealing brakes, "but then you went woosh, and you won!"

"Yeah, it was pretty cool, wasn't it?"

"Yeah! It almost makes up for the fact that you spent all day crying and masturbating when you first got here!"

Silence overtakes all of you. Twilight looks just as shocked as you by the statement, while Dash is starting to shake with held back laughter.

"Well, gotta run!"

And then Pinkie is hopping away.

"Um, Anon," Twilight starts, "I don't know how she-"

"It's fine," you cut her off. "And Dash, shut the fuck up right now."

She doesn't break out into laughter, but you can still see her fail to hide a smug smile.

Cunt.

You think you know where to strike, though. "Mention this to anyone, and I'll never show you how I beat you."

That got a reaction, and she instantly goes stoic.

"Good, you got some brains in you."

She fumes slightly, but still says nothing.

And now Rarity stomps up to you, a small amount of dirt still in her mane. "How dare you get dirt on my beautiful cart, Anonymous! I should-"

"Shush." You hold a finger to her snout, making her scrunch up as she glares cross-eyed at the offending digit. "You'll live."

You take your finger away before she gets the idea to bite it, and before she can go on another angry tirade, Cherilee trots up, holding a blue ribbon. "Congratulations, Anonymous! That driving was... quite... unique!"

"Hell yeah it was," you confirm, snatching the ribbon from her. "Hey, I actually won something! Eat a dick, Dad!"

Several ponies around you slowly start to walk back after your shout at the heavens, leaving you alone with Twilight in the middle of the crowd. "Anyway, I'm gonna go back to the castle."

Twilight looks back and forth between you and your car. "I am too, but... what about the cart?"

You grin. "Want me to drive you?"

Her eyes widen. "Oh, no, that won't be-"

"Too late!" you exclaim, grabbing her in a hug as you jump back into the cart and set her down in the empty space just behind the seat. The crowd parts quickly when you rev the "engine", and then you're tearing off through the track and other Ponyville roads.

"ANON! STOP THIS CRAZY THING!"