no one is here to help me drink the good scotch
I sit in front of the computer like I ALWAYS DO. GAHHHHHHHHHHH why am I still sitting here ;_;
Years and years and years and years and years and further years and years and years and years and years of life have been sweated down my cheeks in front of this computer. The computer isn't even mine...
Drinking the scotch tonight because the bourbon is too strong to drink alone.
I open the Scripture and I ask my conscience what he has done for Jesus lately. You lazy bum, no good deeds at all, hmm?? all right time for the PUNISHMENT you know how this goes!!!
Hah, I wish...
There is no one, not one person to punish me.
You know, I have a small chain that is supposed to be a necklace, I think it looks really dumb as a necklace but it was a gift from my aunt so I hold onto it. I think it is stainless steel? Who would just wear a chain? I don't wear it but I like to hit myself with it sometimes as a punishment but I am too big a wimp to keep hitting myself very long. So it doesn't really work you know.
If I could hit myself a thousand times a day I might make some progress. To change my life is easy, I just need to hit myself 1,000 times per day. Maybe a month of that and I would be a different man altogether. Self-disciplined and beautiful, intelligent and well-spoken, active and gregarious... basically one hit for every time I touched myself...
the poem of infinite self-touching
i masturbated
a lot. like really a lot.
this is a haiku.
where did I touch myself? at what location were the deeds committed? in what jurisdiction did the crimes take place?...
You didn't have to ask. You knew it was in front of the computer.
I decide upon another night of HARDCORE MASTURBATION. I deserve it!! Right? I put up with so much after all... and it doesn't hurt anyone...
I am already on the computer (which isn't mine) listening to goreshit albums on youtube so it is all prepared, everyone is asleep... a simple matter, open an Incognito window and get ready to open twenty-nine tabs with my left hand
I look out the glass to my left and I watch the sky turn from black to blue as the sun is gradually rising. I can see the clouds move in their slow float that makes me dizzy if I stare at it too long. There is a little splash of bourbon and tea left in my mug and I polish it off.
I commence the dark ritual, I say the magic words and I summon up the Queen of Succubi, Ruler of the Night, Twilight Sparkle...
"Why doesn't anyone like me?" I cry.
Twilight caresses my head, which is lying in her lap.
I keep crying, "You don't have to answer that. I already know the answer. It's because I'm so stupid and ugly!!!" I turn and push my nose into Twilight's stomach. She is sitting like a human, but I don't care about the contradiction, because the comfort is more important to me.
"Cringe," she says to me, sighing, "you know you aren't stupid. Don't say that about yourself."
"Then it's because I'm so smart!" I yell back. "I'm three standard deviations above average people. When the IQ gap grows above about one standard deviation, social bonds break down. That means..." I do quick guesstimation in my mind. "That means that 94% of girls are not going to be interested in me, purely because of my intelligence!" I heave and groan as I rub my face into Twilight's navel area.
Then I remember that girls' intelligence is clustered closer to the mean than boys' is. "Ahh! Actually, it's probably closer to 96%!" I moan. I rub my head up against Twilight's chest, a bit like a cat, and sigh again.
But I'm not done whining yet!
"Further," I say, again, pointlessly, for no other reason than that I crave pain and punishment, "I'm a Christian. Multiply the number of girls who would be in an intelligence range where romantic compatibility is possible, times the number of girls who are committed Christians. The math already doesn't work, and that's assuming that every one of those girls would find me attractive, and I would find them attractive, among a hundred other factors!"
I stare into Twilight's big, hypnotic, seductive eyes, and I suddenly fear for my life and my soul.
My mind rises in an act of transcendence, as I remove myself from every worldly desire, and stand, in a still moment of silence, face-to-face with the eternal.
"Twilight?" I say, hesitatingly. "I-I mean... Jesus? Is there hope for my soul?"
The sky spins outside, and the ceiling spins inside. Everything breaks off of its foundation as I hold only onto the Cross, which is the Body of Twilight.
I fall into the deep pit of God's mercy and love, and I hold Twilight-Jesus as close to me as I can. In the ecstasy I feel my body move, inspired, and I bite deep into Twilight-Jesus' neck. A spiritual Eucharist. I bite down hard, and consume the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Our Lord Jesus Sparkle. I feel the blood gush free into my mouth as her flesh parts from her bones, and I know myself as a vampire, and I cry and exult in the humiliation which I can neither hide nor remove.
"I love you, Cringe," says the Lord Sparkle, with her infinite, piercing, existential gaze, and for the briefest of moments I am able to gather enough of a spiritual spark to bring my rotting heart to life again for just long enough to halfway believe it.
As the sun rises and the light of the sky fills my room, the constant light from the computer floods the background with its overbearing blue light, the computer which belongs to God and not to me...
I feel a slight surge of life embolden my chest. Yes, yes, yes! I know it is the grace of the Lord Sparkle. She has loved me back into life again, after I had become a walking corpse! I breathe, and I focus, and I look for the next step...
And the moment I find the way out of hell, I suddenly remember that I hate it outside.
"I can't do it," I repeat to myself, like a mantra. "I can't do it. I remember now. That's why I'm here..."
I am still holding on to the Lord, but she turns into a devil. She looks at me with devilish eyes and licks my ear.
"Then why don't we do something else?" she whispers, with a sly grin, and I am caught once again in the clutches of my satanic seductress...
Just as I wanted.
