Reflections on Love and Bagels
Do you know what it’s like to see the love of your life dashing away into the distance?
Do you know what it’s like to be so close to happiness, only to have it snatched away from reality?
I watched Rainbow Dash with the rest of her Wonderbolts team. We had been flirting for a week. Neither of us had said anything concrete, but I was sure she felt just as strongly about me as I did about her.
All of that changed when I saw her with Spitfire. Maybe they could have just been friends. Best friends, as the euphemism goes. Still, I saw them flying next to each other, bumping each other occasionally and giggling, screaming “last to the finish line gets to cleanup!” Dash was smiling ear-to-ear, Spitfire beside her; her “friend” was just as silly.
If I really loved her, I should have been happy to see her content. Living vicariously, like a parent, not a spouse. If I really loved her, I know what I rationally should have done.
But when I saw a streak of rainbow cruising the sky, joyful without me by her side, all rationality drained away.
Whenever I see Rainbow Dash, I feel so warm inside. I feel like all the problems in the world are gone. Nothing matters to me, in the moment, but her. It could be the end of Equestria, and I wouldn’t mind, as long as we could all end it together.
But when we’re apart, I hide from my shadow. I’m an actrice. I’m good at performances. I can put on the show of “Rarity the overworked clothes designer”, and nobody would be any the wiser. I’d pour my soul out into my work and into my friends, if only to mask the feelings. I know it’s unhealthy, but I’m the Element of Generosity, not Honesty. Sometimes the less my friends know, the better.
I only wish Loyalty knew.
After Rainbow’s practice ended, she landed and continued to chat with Spitfire on the ground. I kept myself secluded behind some bushes; I could not bear to confront her. Wiping a tear from my mane, I began trotting back home. Well… I trotted back to the Carousel Boutique. “Home” is nowhere in Ponyville, nor anywhere else in Equestria for that matter. “House”, sure, but “home”? It’s an elusive concept I haven’t grasped since I was a small filly who lost it all.
Once I was safely out of sight, I broke off into a run. The better part of me knew it was unladylike to run in public. My persona would have been worried that my walk was off – perhaps it was too masculine of a cadence? She would have chastised me for crying – heaven knows what would happen if my mascara ran. My persona, however useful, is not me. Personally, I couldn’t care less if I was perceived as masculine and unkempt. I needed to be alone.
At my pace, I reached her prized Boutique soon, and crashed inside. Never mind how many hours of tedious work I ruined in my sloppiness. I tracked mud all throughout the house – ¡que lastima!, she’d cry. I couldn’t worry about what the proper Rarity would have wanted. This Rarity – the three purple diamonds in the rough Rarity – I had better preoccupations.
I kinetically summoned my persona’s “fainting couch” – in truth, it was my depression couch. I curled up against it and let the tears flow.
“It’s going – to – to be okay – Ra – Rarity. It’s going to – to be okay.” I mumbled to myself in between bursts of sobbing. Maybe it was my persona speaking. Maybe it was just my better half. Either way, I had an idea. “Maybe I’ll feel better if I eat.”
It wasn’t a good idea.
Sniffling, I made my way into my kitchen, and looked for my Antidepressant Ice Cream.
To make a bad day worse, I was all out.
“Somepony left out an empty carton, tsk tsk.” I chastised myself and resumed crying. “Now I’ll have to settle for…” I fudged through my remaining prepared food, almost all of it depleted. “A three-day old, half-eaten bagel!”
My persona would loathe the thought of eating messy, stale, leftover breakfast food for dinner. Really, I can’t say I was too fond of it myself, but who was I to reject comfort food?
I snatched the bagel with my hooves. I was too distraught – not to mention famished – to care that eating with my magic would have been more proper for a high-class unicorn like I was supposed to be. No, sometimes it is prudent to channel your inner earth pony. I bit in, and had the first bite of my, ahem, bagel.
“Ow! I never expected eating with hooves to hurt this much.” I grumbled with my mouth open, full of half-chewed bread, breaking every item of every etiquette observed on this side of the Crystal Empire. I ignored the physical pain radiating from my left hoof just as I ignored the emotional pain spread all over.
“Ow! How do ponies live like this?” I was about to take another bite, when my ears perked up.
The breeze of wind against a house.
Flapping wings, slowing down.
Pegasus hooves touching the ground.
A pounding at the door.
A crash, a clank, a clamor.
Hoofsteps trotting, getting louder.
“Rarity?” Rainbow Dash called out.
“R– Rainbow?” I replied softly.
Hoofsteps even louder.
Heavy breathing.
An abrupt silence.
“You– you don’t look so good, Rarity.”
Rainbow Dash looked me up and down, her eyes glossy with concern. I wasn’t really sure what she was looking at. I mean, I was not in my most professional state, but that should not have warranted stuttering.
“Um… what are you doing here, Rainbow?” Out of shear habit, I respect the usual pleasantries, faking a smile and letting my persona take over.
Rainbow Dash avoids my gaze, giggling nervously and stretching her wings. Eventually, she spills it. “I saw you watching me at practice today. You can see everything from up there – the view is amazing; I’d love to take you with me sometime. And… I saw you run off once I finished. You’re a lot of things, Rares, but discrete is not one of them. I just came here to check if you were okay, although… by the looks of it, you’re not.” She trailed off, biting her lip at my predicament.
I – or rather, Rarity proper – played dumb. “What ever do you mean, darling?” I sang.
“Ugh.” Rainbow Dash walked off to my bathroom, fetched in a hoof mirror, and gave it to me. My face was a nightmare (“a crime against fashion”, Proper might say). My mane was frazzled, and my lips were stained with cream cheese. Oh, and my hoof and the back of my bagel was stained red. The reality of my situation dawned on me, and it was too much to handle formally, especially around Rainbow. I retook control and let loose, unleashing a raw stream of emotions which I never betray in the company of others. I learned as a young filly what happens when you let your guard down. It’s a lesson I plan to take to the grave. But I seemed to forget that in front of Rainbow.
I fell back onto my couch and bawled, like before that day as a filly. “I’m useless. I’m a terrible friend – to you and the other girls. I eat my feelings, and nobody knows the real me. They just know the me I put forward; they would recognise the real Rarity if she was standing in front of them. I can’t even communicate properly with you, and you’re my best friend. I even failed at eating properly – look at this! What pony manages to bite her hoof and not even realise that she got blood all of the place? I’m a broken pony. I don’t know why you put up with me. You deserve better, Rainbow. I can manage by myself. I always have. Up here, it’s just me, myself, and I. I don’t want to hurt you, Rainbow.”
I cried, alone as ever, when a warm wing wrapped around my body, and my vision was encased by blue.
“Shh… you’re okay, Rarity. Maybe you think you’re broken, but to me… you’re perfect, Rarity. I know you don’t… show yourself very much, but… neither do I. Everypony else thinks I’m some tough mare, too. We have to keep up our public images. I get it. But… while we’re together, Rares, we can be ourselves. It’s unusual for me, but I trust you. You might even say our relationship is a rarity.”
Rainbow Dash’s voice was soothing, and wrapped up tightly in her warm hug, I could not get myself to respond until she finished. “I love you, Rainbow Dash.”
“I love you, too, Rarity.” She responds gently, stroking my mane and moving it around my ears. “I’m sorry for giving out the wrong impression with Spitfire.” She looked away from me guiltily.
“It’s… it’s okay, darling.” It was so easy to be mad at Rainbow Dash before, when it was just me alone. Now that she is in front of me – touching me – it doesn’t matter to me what happened. We could talk about that later; if I wasn’t already sufficiently distracted from my rational mind, Rainbow Dash began to nuzzle me and purr.
“You can be yourself around me, you know.” She whispered, her mouth inches away from mine. I exhale and smile, next to the one who really matters.
“I already am.”
