Nothing Is Real

by Ice Star

Rating: teen
Tags: Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Princess Luna, Comedy, Narcotics
Length: 1869

Princess Cadance tries to inquire into the meaning of life, and finds nopony better to confide her worries in than her fellow princess, Luna.

Princess Cadance tries to inquire into the meaning of life, and finds nopony better to confide her worries in than her fellow princess, Luna.

Set after 'The Crystal Empire' but before season four. With help from NorrisThePony! Cover art by MagnaLuna. Buy this story! Contribute to the TVTropes page!

Published 2017-05-29 23:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-29 23:10:01 UTC

Nothing Is Real

"Hey."

Luna looked up from the bag of ketchup chips. Her latest victim made an extremely inquisitive crunching noise as she looked at the Crystal Princess sitting across from her. Cadance was basking in the afternoon sunshine that graced the castle tower's balcony. Luna knew that if she got up and pushed the other six unopened bags of equally ketchup-y chips aside, she would find the city of Canterlot gleaming calmly below, but her attention was demanded elsewhere.

"Hey," Cadance repeated, voice distant.

Luna doubted she was repeating herself because she didn't get a response. She simply watched the pink mare lazily prop her head in one of her forehooves. Cadance's gold shoes spilled onto the ground below, where they were occasionally stirred by the breeze, as were the sprawling curls of Princess Cadance.

"Yes?" Luna said in between chips. The treat so common in northern Equestria was actually a rather nice modern invention. Even Luna found herself enjoying them, though she thought that most modern treats rather bland — other than candies.

"Whaddya think the meaning of life is?"

Luna cocked her head to the side and blinked in a manner much like an owl. Then, she gave a small smile that she reserved for the few she favored outside of Celestia — a group that consisted only of Cadance. "I am something of an absurdist."

"Wow," Cadance's voice was chipper enough, but distracted as her bloodshot eyes gazed into the fluffy white clouds that drifted in the sky, "that sounds kinda gloomy. I mean, you're the night. No offense. Dark is kinda gloomy."

Cadance blinked, her vision suddenly looking even more distracted. "Are we all gloomy?"

Luna shrugged. She was clearly more interested in what exactly was in the small, strange-smelling plant that Cadance found such pleasure in rolling up and lighting. It certainly wasn't tobacco, but the effect it had on Cadance was similar enough to the mushrooms consumed by Tribal Era earth pony warriors in an attempt to make them appear more fearsome. She chewed more chips in thought, maintaining her silent curiosity about the behavior of her friend.

"Why is it you ask, Cadance?"

"Call me Cady, yo."

Luna paused and nibbled another ketchup chip in thought. "Cady?" she said, pronunciation slow and deliberate.

"Yeah. That's me." She paused. "Seriously, Luna, what's life?"

"Life is only itself, the state of it is worthy of no celebrations in of itself," Luna said, shrugging a second time and looking up at the sky. "Being is both wonderful and terrifying, but it is just life all the same, only its contents are worth speaking of, not something as blank as the beginning. All of us are born unforetold and with no intentional elements to our being, and that elegant randomization is the strongest, most delicate, most beautiful thing that I can bring my mind to conjure, and it is possibly the only thing to outnumber all the stars in my night. Trying to cleave awe and fear from the other as though they were conjoined twins in need of severing would only annihilate the other in the process – this is not me saying that suffering is necessary, it is quite the opposite, only that there is always some unpleasantness and excitement that is required to exist for wonder to as well."

"Who said that?" Cadance asked, forehoof fumbling in a gesture that clearly indicated she was to be passed a chip bag.

Luna obliged. "I did, just now. Is there something wrong...?"

"But—" Cadance's magic gripped the bag clumsily.

Luna sighed lightly, taking it from the other mare and tearing it open carefully. She had seen far too many of this kind of packaging spill its contents when opened hastily. The sound it made — something almost like a belch, if your ears needed to be checked — seemed to delight Cadance who laughed at it in a rather buffoonish way.

"But what?" Luna offered when she was able to return to her own chip bag. It was quite clear Cadance's mind had almost lost track of what it is that she wanted to say.

"But... does it, y'know, mean anything?" Before Luna had a chance to respond, Cadance continued in her half-delirium. "You're smart. Can ya, like, explain?"

"Pardon?" Luna crunched another chip in mild confusion. "Cady, could you please be clearer with what it is that you are asking?"

Cadance blinked. "Oh, uh, yeah. It's just that, um. Okay, so you're a goddess and I'm not. Please. Explain life."

"Well..." Luna's magic rustled the interior of the chip bag in search of anything other than dust and the broken bits she could safely presume nopony liked. "Life is a lot like one's bedroom-"

Cadance's vacant look suddenly became lucid and she blinked her blood. "Oh, my gods. That makes so much sense! The bed represents the eternal sleep of death, and our possessions are but are broken dreams scattered around us, huh?"

"That's not—"

"And the windows are totally, like, the ocean to a greater whole that we only get in glimpses. Our closets are the lies we tell ourselves and—"

"I was going to say that it is because they are often messy." Luna decided it was best to just offer Cadance another chip, which the pink princess accepted clumsily.

"Urgh. That just sucks. I mean..." Cadance's gaze grew distant once more. "We're all told we are gonna do super great things, and at the same time, we're all told to be just like everypony else. I was going to be in a band. Before this." She aimed a forehoof in the direction of her horn. "It was art-pop too."

Luna looked over to the side and contemplated the flavor of her latest ketchup chip, all while looking out at the clouds and pretending she knew what art pop was.

"Then I grew a horn and everything got weird."

"Doesn't it always?" Luna mused dryly. Though she could not relate to growing a horn — or wings, for that matter — since hers had always been there.

"I could have been great. I was gonna be in a garage band..." Cadance sighed sadly. "Instead I'm ruling an empire. Oh, and I think I'm supposed to be a princess, but I'm not really all that sovereign, am I? I'm married. I think I'm a hero and..."

"What is wrong, dear Cady?" Luna nudged her with a chip that quickly disappeared into the pink mare's mouth.

"Dosh i' mean anything?" Cadance asked through a noisy mouthful of chips. Once she swallowed, she proceeded. "Like... I defeated a tyrant. But that was because my husband threw me and stuff."

"I am aware."

"And I saved ponies. And almost died."

"Mortals tend to do that," Luna reminded her friend helpfully.

"The world is so scary, yo." Standing up and looking dizzy, Cadance looked out at the world with an expression between oblivious, unconcerned bliss, and lucid existential terror. The strange bit of plant and paper she held was still grasped in her magic, but Luna thought that the breeze stirring Cadance's curls was far more interesting.

"It can be," Luna said softly, “but I quite like it.”

"It's so big and mean. Like that one filly who used to take my candy money back in Wispgrove. Starlight Shimmer? The whole world... it feels like it's just her. But bigger."

"Have you been reading too much of those strange horror books you have been telling me about? They do far stranger things to you than that plant, to be honest."

"Are we even real?" Cadance whispered.

"I shall not bring up Reneigh Haycartes or anything that shall complicate this matter. You are in a most strange intoxicated state, Cady. I fear such a direction in the conversation would only serve to trouble you."

"What if we are all just, like, magical holo-whats?"

"Holograms? Like a construct-creating spell?"

"Like milk," Cadance said with conviction.

Luna emptied the last of her chip bag — it was naught but dust — onto the balcony. She hoped some birds could make use of them. "Do you think we are all dust in the wind, then, dreaming up some intangible fantasy that is our shared existence?"

"I like that song," the pink mare mused distantly.

"Again, I beg your pardon?" Luna busied herself opening another chip bag. In the back of her mind, she wondered if these weren't intended for her, since Cadance had moved. Luna observed her as she walked over and grabbed a bag for herself, immediately stuffing her mouth full of ketchup chips.

"Am I useless?"

"You only feel that you are," Luna said levelly. It wasn't a question. She simply looked at Cadance as calmly as possible while eating chips.

"I think..."

"Do something spontaneous. One does not need a use; you should not murder your freedom and identity in such a way. I have learned that is such a mode of thought and is sadistic and unforgivable to inflict on oneself. You are a living animal, not some material trinket. You do not exist to be used, and you should not think that to be useless is a bad thing."

Cadance blinked blearily and frowned. "I just... I feel like I do."

"Then allow yourself to be responsible for your actions, that is the only weight that is noble to balance. Discover something both for yourself and about yourself, since I am quite sure that you are in need of the type of mirror that no magic or earthly reflection can provide. It is to be busy that you desire, is it not? There is nothing wrong with seeking new accomplishments for the sake of personal victory."

While Luna was content to eat chips one by one, she watched as Cadance bury her muzzle into the chip bag, with sudden vigor in her previously relaxed stare. But, before she allowed the majority of her pink face to vanish within the depths, she floated that strange little roll-over to Luna like a blood sibling would offer up a prized blade before a great battle. It was a testament of something beyond friendship and a gesture that Luna recognized well, even if she was hesitant to accept such a strange thing — she had seen Cadance use it, so that was not lost on her, but her confusion mostly stemmed from not knowing exactly what it was.

"What am I to do with this?" she asked Cadance, giving her a concerned glance.

The chip bag faced princess rustled — her new and bizarre form of communication — and from those rustles sprung words: "Smoke it, yo."

"Yes, but why must I? I still do not grasp the purpose to this activity."

"'Cause," the bag-princess grumbled, "I'm gonna be shtuck. You're gonna have to use your super magic to get me out."

To demonstrate, Cadance released her magical grip from the bag, which was indeed stuck to her face.

"And what does this have to do with my 'super magic'?"

Cadance didn't miss a beat before answering. "Everything."

Author's Note

This is totally the unofficial prequel to this.

[Revised for print on 9/2/2020 and 1/7/2023]