Starlight Glimmer's Pet Human

by DJDJ

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Self Insert, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 2085

Twilight puts Starlight in charge of a human with no Earthly business being in Equestria.

An unfamiliar, one of a kind, beast is discovered in Equestria. Since Twilight, Celestia, Luna, and Cadence have neither the time nor motivation to properly study this human, they collectively decide the best course of action is to domesticate it and pawn him off on Starlight. Never having a pet before in her life, Starlight bravely takes on the responsibility as a friendship lesson.

Published 2017-05-24 05:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-24 05:20:01 UTC

So You Have a Pet Human

Glim Glam and Spike had the castle to themselves for the day. Twilight was still there of course but much like most other days lately, Twilight was locked in her room with a very ominous “DO NOT DISTURB” card hanging from her door knob. Meaning the pair of pale purple people-like creatures had free reign. Between the two of them, they decided to take advantage of their freedom by sitting in the throne room trying to think of activities they hadn’t exhausted themselves on yet.

The brainstorming hit a breakthrough when Glimmy shouted to the ceiling “I’m SO BORED!” then proceeding to slam her face on the crystal table in front of her. She lamented that smashing bone and flesh on a flat crystal surface wasn’t her most brilliant idea.

However the actual breakthrough came immediately after when Spike burped up a scroll. Starlight didn’t much notice or even care. That is until Spike informed her, “It’s from Twilight…” Starlight peeled her face off of the table and looked across at Spike quizzically. “It’s for you.” He said, motioning for her to come over and look for herself.

Starlight grimaced, “She couldn’t be bothered to come down the hall and talk to me herself?” She rolled her eyes, walking around the table to read the letter over Spike’s shoulder.

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

All throughout your studies under me, I have seen you bond with Spike as a friend and it occurred to me, you never had a pet of your own. The other Princesses and I have come across a bipedal creature of unknown origins. Instead of subjecting the poor thing to a lifetime of lab experiments, we decided it would be best to give it a home and care for it properly and find out what we can learn about it along the way. Not me of course, I’m much too busy. Princess Luna and I are still ~~fragging silvers~~ studying the nuances of forming and maintaining online friendships! This thing seems pretty smart, if you’re patient I bet you could teach it a few tricks! Go ahead and use this as a friendship lesson about bonding with animals or something, ~~yeah that makes sense.~~

Have fun!

Princess Twilight Sparkle

“A pet?” Glamicus wondered aloud. “What the hay seed would I do with a pet?”

Spike scratched his chin for a moment, pondering the question himself. Until he realized something, “Wait, a PET?” His eyes widened and he started to panic. Her Glimmyness the Starlight looked at him curiously. “Oh no, that means-“ Spike’s distress was cut short, when a duffle bag about six and a half feet long materialized out of one of his fiery belches.

The small crew of colorful comrades cautiously conglomerated around the duffle bag. They both stepped back in surprise when the bag started moving and unzipped itself. A tall fleshy creature with a whimsical tuft of fur on its head sat upright and looked around the room, locking its gaze with the only other occupants of the oval chamber.

Star-Glimmy carefully approached the creature sitting in the duffle bag and tried to establish a dialogue, “Hello?” She tried. Her new pet blinked the one eye that wasn’t covered with a black patch twice in response. Star G reasoned that it communicated by blinking or more likely wasn’t entirely sure what was happening.

Spike stepped up next to Starlight and decided to insert himself into the conversation. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to do it.” He deadpanned. Starlight rubbed her chin with her hoof and Spike planted his fists on his hips, trying to size the creature up. The three beings sat in awkward silence until the strange new creature made another attempt at communication by way of stomach growl. “That’s more like it!” Spike beamed. “Come on Starlight! It’s hungry and theres still some good stuff in the kitchen we haven’t got into yet.” He enthused, grabbing the creature’s one fleshy claw in his own in an attempt to drag it out of the duffle bag.

As Spike tugged on its arm, the creature stood fully upright, revealing itself to be roughly six feet tall. Starlight stopped Spike before he could take her new pet too far. “Hang on Spike, we don’t even know what it eats.”

“Aw come one Starlight!” He whined, “It’s easy, we just put stuff in front of it until it eats something it likes.” He smiled hopefully.

The Glim Glam took a moment to carefully consider Spike’s suggestion, but quickly decided against it. “I don’t think so Spike. Princess Twilight said she and the other princesses don’t even know where it’s from. It might not even eat anything found in Equestria.” She lectured.

“But what if it does? Besides…” The creature’s stomach growled again, even louder. “It’s really really hungry.”

Once again, Starlight was forced to consider Spike’s suggestion on the creature’s well being. “Hmmm, still, it could smell something it likes that turns out to be poisonous to it. I’d feel terrible if it got sick or worse just because we don’t know how to take care of it.” She regarded the creature with care and reached a conclusion. “Theres only one responsible way to handle this…”

Spike raised an eyebrow, looking between Starry and her new pet. “Take it to Fluttershy?” He suggested. Now, this creature, which in its own world would be known as a human, didn’t comprehend the noise coming from the smaller beings as language. Although the small purple one’s sentiment somehow brought feelings of warmth, comfort, and safety to the human’s very core.

“I’m afraid not.” Starlight protested. “Spike,” She inhaled purposefully, “I’m taking it to a vet.” She insisted, stomping her hoof authoritatively. Now, again, the human couldn’t recognize any of this as words or sentences, but when the sounds passed the not as small purple one’s lips, it felt a harsh shiver all the way up and down its spine and an icy chill in its heart.

Taking Your Human to the Vet

“Glim Glam?” Dr. Fauna called into the waiting room with no subtle hint of confusion.

Starlight Glimmer raised her hoof and was about to stand to meet the good doctor, until Spike offered his thoughts. “Seriously?” He objected, setting his comic book down in his lap, crossing his arms and glaring at OG Glimmy.

“I like rap music okay?” She hissed through her clenched teeth defensively. She crossed the lobby to the clinic’s most generously proportioned exam room, her brand new pet human balled up in her magic grip. The human didn’t look particularly upset, just that he might be sick all over the clinic.

Fortunately Starlight set it down in a sitting position on the exam bed before that could happen. As its new owner and new doctor chatted in front of it, it sat patiently, hands in its lap, its robotic thumb on its left arm dancing with the flesh one on its right. It felt like a child haplessly watching grown ups having a conversation, as its eye flicked back and forth between them focusing on whichever was talking.

“So, I have to ask…where did you get this?” Dr. Fauna started.

Starlight shrugged innocently, “Twilight gave it to me.”

Dr. Fauna sighed, “She didn’t tell you anything about it? Like…if it’s a he or she? Or what it eats?”

Glimmy Glammy shook her head. ”Nothing. That’s why I came to you. I was hoping you could tell me about its diet and anything else I need to know.” Serendipitously, the human’s stomach growled when Starlight finished her explanation.

Dr. Fauna shook her head, “So you don’t know anything about these…irregularities either?” She hesitated, pointing to the human’s eye patch, robotic left arm, and the left side of its mouth where a piece of its upper lip seemed to be missing.

“Your guess is as good as mine.” Starlight shrugged again.

Dr. Fauna regarded the human carefully. She reached up to its jaw and tried to pry it open. When the human wouldn’t cooperate, Dr. Fauna fetched an apple and dangled it in front of the human’s face. Naturally, the human tried to grab it from her, only for the good doctor to foil him by yanking it out of its reach. Eventually the human gave up and opened its mouth for Dr. Fauna to inspect. Not one to be outwitted he snapped his jaw shut as she drew closer. Also not one to be outwitted, Dr. Fauna offered him the apple again. This time, when the human opened its mouth, she jammed its jaw open with the apple, giving her a serviceable although slightly obstructed view of his teeth. “Huh, don’t know what I was expecting.” She remarked.

Starlight leaned in to look at the human’s mouth worriedly. “What is it?”

“Well look at this…” Dr. Fauna instructed, drawing back some of its cheek, revealing yet more teeth. “See how some of his teeth are flat on the top, like these molars, but then he also has these sharp canines up here.”

“I-is that bad?” Starlight asked taking a step away.

Dr. Fauna climbed off of the human and let him eat his prize. “Well, it just means he’s an omnivore. The flat teeth are for chewing up fruits and vegetables like a pony, but the canines let him tear into flesh like a predator.”

Starlight took a few more steps back, not many, just enough to press herself against the opposite wall. “A PREDATOR?! He’s not dangerous is he? And…you’re SURE it’s a he? I swear if he eats Spike while I’m making my escape I’ll make Twilight pay! You don’t even WANT to know what I’ll do to her if he ends up eating me.” She threatened.

Disregarding Starlights thinly veiled threats against one of Equestria’s ruling princesses, Dr. Fauna addressed her concerns. “Well, you tell me, he seems pretty docile to me, but I’ve only known him a few minutes and regarding item two, there is one really fast way to find out…” Dr. Fauna gave the human some space. He hadn’t been regarding the other occupants of the room very much since he got his hands on something to eat finally. “Come on boy, up up!” Dr. Fauna coaxed, the only acknowledgement she got was the human pausing mid bite and staring at her. After a brief silence he went about the business of lunch. Starlight, having scraped herself off of the back wall stood next to Dr. Fauna and shrugged. “Don’t worry Starlight, you don’t do this job as long as I have without learning how to get animals to do what you want.”

Dr. Fauna set her front hooves on the examining bed and as the human was about to take another bite of his apple, she swatted it out of his hand. Starlight shielded her eyes expecting her new pet to devour his doctor. When he didn’t, she saw that Dr. Fauna had met his agitated glare with her own superior smirk. The human submitted and got off the bed, bending over to pick his lunch up off the floor. As soon as he did so, Dr. Fauna set one hoof on his back and started patting between his legs with the other. Glimmer Glammer’s pet human quickly caught on to what was happening and pushed Dr. Fauna off of him, knocking her on her rump. By now, S to the Glimmer was biting her hooves with anxiety, fearing for Dr. Fauna’s life! There was no need however, as soon as he had his lunch back, he went back to his perch.

Of course, Starlight felt partly responsible for her pet’s behavior so she helped Fauna back to her hooves. She could only smile and remark, “I’ll be sure to note he likes his space on his chart, but I can say for certain it’s male.” She stated proudly. Starlight smiled with relief, she hadn’t actually been hurt. “Now regarding his chart, if you want to find out as much as you can, I want to run a lot of labs and take x-rays and things along that line. I should only need him for the rest of the day, but I noticed you didn’t put a name down for him when you checked in. So, what do I call this patient?” She asked, ready to fill in the empty space.

Starlight furrowed her brow curiously, looking around the room, “Uhhhh….”