Twilight and Her Humans

by SwiperTheFox

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Random, Alternate Universe, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 17521

Twilight has gotten rather tired of having to deal with all these humans sent over into Equestria.

Twilight has gotten rather tired of having to deal with all these humans sent over into Equestria. Dozens of them pop up in the oddest places week after week, from rustling atop trees to sliding across roofs to sloshing around inside bird baths, and she has the unenviable task of getting them assimilated into Equestrian society before they can be sent home. She does her best, knowing at least that some humans take to things better than others. Seriously, bronies, stop sending these humans to Equestria-- you're making her feel sad.

I've been suffering from writer's block for a long time. So, I've decided to write a story making fun of myself and my silly ideas about humans amidst ponies. For the record, this is my second story referring to Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" because... yeah. Thanks for reading.

Published 2012-07-13 21:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-20 06:41:49 UTC

Human One (Jack)

"Miss Sparkle?" asked the short, stubby human, waving a hand in the air as he shifted awkwardly from side to side. His three taller compatriots merely stood there, watching him blankly.

"You can just go with 'Twilight', please," Twilight replied, leaning up against the plain white table behind her. She glanced around the familiar side office that had been added to her library-- golden brown bookshelves and matching dressers filled with various reports, studies, and the like across all the walls. The room had the same soft, earth-tone feeling of her main library, which helped to psychologically comfort those poor humans that kept popping up around Ponyville, just as Twilight had told the skeptical builders. "I'd much prefer that."

"Miss Twilight," the stubby teenager sputtered, blinking rapidly. His fake leather jacket rubbed against the tall brown lamp behind him as he kept on hopping in place.

"Just 'Twilight'," she said, putting a hoof up and coming back her mane while taking a little breath.

"I just-- I-- well," he replied, stepping over towards her. "I really have to use the bathroom! Like right now!"

"Oh, ah..." Twilight muttered. She hadn't realized that, much as it looked retrospectively obvious from the strained look on the teenager's ruddy face. She locked eyes with him, seeing him almost blush. "Well, ah, the thing is--"

"Now!"

"Equestrian bathrooms aren't the same as human ones," Twilight went on, walking about and circling around the group of humans. "I'd thought that-- I'd planned that, ah, part of our little 'Assimilation Conference Meeting: Part I' would include a trip to the library's bathroom. That way, all four of you could learn how to use them together. That was--" Twilight leaned over to the left, making sure to stand far enough away from the humans, and magically grabbed her clipboard, flipping through the forms. She mentally kicked herself for forgetting the order of operations. Goodness knows, she'd seen at least a hundred humans that she had to put through the official Equestrian assimilation process in the past two weeks. "A-ha!"

"Right?" said the teenager, a look of hope coming over his face as he clasped one hand over his crotch and ran the other through his messy red hair.

"Yes, 'Equestrian Bathroom Training' is officially known as 'Household Development Part F'," Twilight said, eyes on her clipboard as she idly tapped her hooves on the carpet. "That's in about forty-five minutes or so."

Those last five words cut the teenager like a knife. He pursed his lips as he blinked, his soft brown eyes looking even bigger than a moment before. His human companions looked over at him for a moment and then at the floor.

Twilight went on, "And that comes before the far more interesting 'Household Development Part G', where we'll see how normally magically operated Equestrian toasters can spontaneously explode if you don't--"

"Well, there's no time like the present!" he called out, pointing a frustrated finger in the air between Twilight's gaze and the clipboard. "So, what about going to Part F right freaking now?"

"Right," Twilight said, still looking down at her notes. She never liked going off script, especially given that Equestria's best psychologists and sociologists had designed it in order to smooth the humans' transitions.

"Right!"

Twilight looked over at the other humans, still milling about idly beside the couches on the other side of the room. They displayed an odd combination of both being fascinated by their situation while also being frustrated at long things were taking. "Just follow me, please."

"Finally," the teenager remarked, breathing a small sigh of relief while still hopping a bit in place.

Twilight led them down a slender corridor off to the right. Snapshots of her friends-- Dashie making another sonic rainboom, Applejack dripping ice cream on her neck as her nervous date watched, and Roseluck dressing as Princess Cadence for a wonderful costume party-- decorated her walls. On the one hand, Twilight loved seeing the constant reminders of how much her friends loved her and just loved life-- that made the frustrated days basically foalsitting all of these humans go by faster. At the same time, she felt a bit annoyed; after all, they had never had to deal with this stuff.

"Here we are," Twilight said, opening up the door to the massive bathroom. Like many other parts of her library, it had been adapted to accommodate all visitors whether Equestrian or extraterrestrial. She stepped in and turned around as the four humans followed her inside.

They all looked around. Broadly speaking, Twilight knew that the clean silver fixtures, spreads of white tile, huge shiny mirrors, enormous walk-in shower, and everything else appeared about the same as what the humans had back on their own planet. However, their eyes all eventually made it to the toilet at the far corner.

"What's your name, again?" Twilight asked. She hadn't been sure if she had asked the first time, which made her feel sheepish.

"Jack," replied the hopping teenager, standing over the relief-giving device. He sighed as he brushed his thick hair. "Okay, so is this like one of these Japanese dealies, or what?"

The toilet consisted of a large cylinder made of bright grey metal sitting just a few inches tall but quite wide at the base, shimmering water inside the cylinder, four thick tubes perforated with numerous holes that lead upwards around the cylinder, and an ominous looking white orb just below the ceiling that the tubes flowed into. Three long chains hung from the orb. The dark-tinted chain featured a black glob of plastic at the end while the other, slightly shorter chains had a white orb and a blue orb with similar coloring extending up their sides.

"Okay, so... it's not that complicated," Twilight began. She flashed back to an occasion several weeks ago when she had demonstrated things by stepping over at the device and using it herself-- explaining every last step in graphic detail. She still grimaced at the memory, picturing how some of them humans had thrown up a little bit in disgust. Worse, a few humans had even gotten, somehow, pitched tents in their pants. Twilight didn't know which result was worse, but-- at any rate-- she had determined to use some creative ambiguity this time.

"Yeah, sure," Jack commented, fingers going over the blue chain.

"No!"

Jack froze. The humans all stared at Twilight-- who looked suddenly desperate, with her fluffy purple mane jiggling around her shoulders as she trembled. She coughed, forcing her expression back to normal.

"Ah," Twilight said, "You shouldn't... if you're a human and male, then you should never touch that. Never. Ever." She cleared her throat. "Peaches, Nurse Redheart's boyfriend, said he felt tingly for days and days after he made that mistake, particularly. That chain is for cleaning mare's bodies specifically."

"Fine..." Jack muttered, taking a gulp.

"Anyways," Twilight exclaimed, flashing a friendly smile and trying to get back to the point. She hopped over beside of the toilet and went on. "This model is called the 'Emissions Clearer Unit 2000', or--" Twilight paused for emphasis, bracing her front hooves against the device. "The ECU." She ignored the blank faces around her. "And, for human males such as yourselves, it's very simple to use. All you do is stand right in front of it."

Twilight moved over in place, bracing her hooves against the wall and looking down at the smooth, calm waters inside. She stood with her face against the wall, positioned as if she was either a stallion or a man. She closed her eyes and did her best to wish the awkwardness away.

"Okay, and you do your male business as you are wont to do until you feel relieved," Twilight said. She sucked in a deep breath. "Then, finished, you reach over and pull the white chain." Twilight mimed doing so. "And, then, the high-powered air vents slide out from the edges of those tubes. Those vents clean up your, ah, the... particular components of your male anatomy."

"Huh," muttered the tallest human, leaning up against the mirror. Twilight wondered if he planned to use those air vents for uses other than their normal purpose. She tried to force that thought out of her mind.

"So, I guess..." Jack said, head bobbing with anticipation. His pained face screamed out that he had to go right at that moment without him needing to say another word.

"So," Twilight continued, "you then pull the black chain." She actually pulled that one. They both watched as the waters rapidly flowed out of the gray cylinder and it filled back up a second later. "That chain works just like the normal chain or handle that would flush a human toilet. Flushing works the same way here."

"Okay, awesome," Jack muttered, "now, if you all don't mind." He shot angry glances at Twilight and the other three humans. They all nodded and backed out of the bathroom.

"Just don't pull the blue chain," Twilight remarked, waving a hoof in the air as she back looked up hopefully.

"Got it."

"Just don't," she repeated. "It's not worth it. And it's not what you think. It's for cleaning up mares only."

"Fine." He dismissively waved a hand.

"Don't!"

"Seriously," Jack said as he slammed the door shut.

The normal noises that Twilight expected soon filtered through the closed door. Twilight took another deep breath. She reared back and stood on her hind hooves, clopping her front hooves together. She grinned, her adorable looking cheeks matching her sunny feeling, and she gazed at the other three humans. "Well, then, that went swimmingly."

"Sure," replied the tallest one.

"What's your name, again?" Twilight asked, brushing up against his leg. The man looked incredibly tanned and fit, his short black hair matching his sharp black sunglasses.

"You never asked that the first time," he calmly replied, smirking. "It's Robin."

Twilight flinched before Robin's huge right hand shook her hoof. She looked over at the two other guys, who both seemed in good spirits. "Sure." She gestured over towards the open door to the kitchen at the far end of the hallway. "Let's move on to 'Household Development Part G'. You guys can work on your paperwork as we wait there."

"Yeah, I'll get that done," said one of the theretofore silent humans. He brushed his hands against his lint-coated dark grey shirt and pushed up his coke-bottle glasses.

"Graham, was it?" Twilight asked.

He nodded. Twilight glanced over at the final human, leaning up against the wall several feet away from them all and totally engrossed in some small silver something in his hands. He glanced up for a moment, and, catching Twilight's gaze, he pointed at the thick green nametag on his chest. Twilight read 'Welcome to Northwestern University - Illinois / My Name is Cody / Secretarial Assistant' to herself quietly, and she nodded. Cody went right back to his odd silver something.

"Let's go," Graham suggested.

After a few steps towards the kitchen, a bloodcurdling scream rippled through the air from inside the bathroom. Loud sounds of rushing water and slapping flesh followed in a split-second. Twilight groaned as she pushed the other humans back, ordering them wordlessly to stay put, and she rushed over to the bathroom door.

"Oh, Celestia," Twilight moaned as she flung open the door. The horrible, wet slapping sounds went on. "I'll get the creamy salve."

To Be Continued...

Human Two Part A (Cody)

Several minutes later, with a very upset Jack escorted to Nurse Redheart's clinic, Twilight found herself sitting the middle of her kitchen with Graham, Cody, and Robin. Twilight's mind flashed over her endless promises that Jack would have nothing in the way of permanent damage to any sensitive components of his anatomy. She couldn't have said that Jack looked reassured one bit.

"Oh, so, ah," Robin said, knocking Twilight out of her mental world, "it looks almost identical to a human kitchen." He leaned up on the jet black refrigerator and opened up one of the drawers, seeing a variety of towels with fancy colored patterns carefully printed on them. Graham nodded from a new feet away, eyeing the various fruits inside the large crystal boat-like piece in front of him.

"Whatever," Cody muttered, fingering something in his pocket while getting lost in his own little personal world.

"Yes," Twilight said, ogling as Graham's fingers slid down the peel and shifted up the tasty white insides of the banana. "It's, ah, very similar. However, one must pay, um, attention to certain, ah, special traits." She blinked before she stared too long, looking back at the huge kitchen island.

Twilight envied the humans and their blasted ability to open bananas with their hands so much. Her magic pulverized them into mush, her hooves did no different as well, every single time she tried. Twilight opened up the bottom drawers of the island slowly. She still tried not to gaze at the lucky human's lips slurped over the long, sweet white rod-- feeling like a pre-teen filly reading her first copy of Cutie Marks After Dark under her bed-covers.

"Twilight," Robin said, sticking his face out from the dishwasher that he had stuck his head inside a second ago, "ah..."

"Oh, that's right, take it all in, use those talented human fingers," Twilight murmured ever so quietly, sitting transfixed a few inches besides Graham as the rest of the banana slunk into his lips.

Both Robin and Graham stared straight at Twilight. She shuddered a little bit. She fought a blush, glancing all around the kitchen from the shiny steel sink to the arrays of golden-brown wood cabinets to the spotless white floor tiles and everywhere else. She held up a hoof to get things down to business, and she motioned over to the sink.

"So, yes, lets get going with 'Household Development Part G'," she said, smiling. Graham and Robin did the same. Cody kept on leaning up against the front door, ignoring the rest of Equestria. Twilight coughed loudly in his direction. He shot up an hand with the 'okay' gesture, making it clear that he paid at least a modicum of attention.

"The sink seems the same," Graham remarked.

"Right," Twilight replied, pushing the handles with her hooves. "In Ponyville, you'll always have 'cold' on the left side and 'hot' on the right side. The water goes through the Sabra-mesa filters besides the washing machines in our houses. So, no worries about mineral deposits or anything. You can always drink from the sink." She picked up a glass from an ornate wooden box on the side of the counter and did just that.

"Chicago was always like that," Robin said, brushing his hair idly. "Or at least on the nice West side, you know, where the yuppie evangelicals live."

"So," Twilight said after finishing her glass. "I don't want to hear anymore of that rumor going around. Okay? We ponies, for the last time, do not drug the human's drinks. We don't. We. Just. Don't." She pounded the counter for emphasis. "Got it?"

Graham raised a hand.

"Yes, Graham?"

He shifted around his eyes slightly, not sure what he could say to Twilight and how to ask her anything. Robin just stood there watching. Graham went ahead, "But Silver Spoon told me that Zecora drugged the drinks of that one guy, Scatter or Skitter or"

"Scamper?"

"Yeah, Scamper, that one human guy. Spoon informed me that he was mistreated by the humans and he fought back so then Zecora drugged him and made him into a sexual pervert-like love slave thing of her." Graham's eyes bulged out as her recounted the tale, his hands shaking in the air with pure emotion. "This evil enchantress with her devious dark curves from the woods will like hunt humans down like a chick Freddy Kruger and--"

"Graham, please!" Twilight called out, holding a hoof right in front of her hand and trying not to laugh. She stepped a little bit closer to the kitchen island, looking over at Robin. The other human apparently found the whole tale at least plausible, looking sort of worried. "Oh, gosh, how to explain this..." Twilight sat on a kitchen stool and flipped open another drawer.

"Well, what happened to him then?" Robin said as he folded his tanned arms.

"That was back when I, along with other ponies, had theorized that certain humans with excessive periods of sensual inactivity in their lives would experience depression and, thus, would not be able to fit in. Sensual inactivity causes dopamine reception to slow down and alter lithium residues in human bloodstreams, as any biologist would tell you. Humans suffer far more than ponies in this regard." Twilight kept on going much as she picked up the blank stares from the teenagers. "We called the remedying process giving humans this activity 'fixing' in Canterlot government jargon." She shifted her hooves to make air quotes.

"None of that made any sense," Robin said.

"We got it first from Trixie. Her human assistant seemed to turn on a dime as soon as they went from arguing with each other in the middle of Everfree Forest to aruging with each other in the bedroom with dim lights on. Trixie said that this was the key to understanding your kind, that you all have physical needs," Twilight continued. She halted, wondering if she should stop blaming Trixie for their first misconceptions about humanity. Twilight sounded like a jilted ex-lover or so her subconscious seemed to tell her.

"I know that his is a long story, but-- be serious here-- Twilight." Robin stood over the mare, not trying to look threatening but making it clear that he wanted answers. "Did you drug humans? Do you drug humans?"

"It's not what you think at all." Twilight coughed nervously. "Zecora didn't trap Scamper anywhere. That guy was just fine. And she didn't drug him against his will. He took what she gave him willingly," Twilight said, pulling out a toaster oven and a variety of serving knives.

"Oh, yeah, 'willingly'," Graham muttered.

"Those weren't brain-washing drugs that she gave him either." She took a deep breath. "And those were creams in containers, not laced in his water," Twilight went on, trying to find the right words and failing badly. "They were... well..."

"What?" Graham said, leaning up against the counter and tapping upon it.

Twilight put the toaster oven and its related accouterments on the kitchen island besides her. "Zecora gave him--" She closed her eyes, and she just spat it out. "She gave him enhancement herbs for male anatomy." Her subconscious mind told her that those words shouldn't be so hard.

"Enhancement herbs?" Both men murmured. Even Cody looked up from his spot in the corner all engrossed in the thing in his pocket, letting Twilight see that it was one of those specially made iPods, in surprise.

"Yes," Twilight responded with a gulp. "Zecora prefers that her, ah, suitors posses long-enough, wide-enough, and long-lasting enough--" She paused as the teenager hung on her every word, mouths open. "So, Zecora provided that human with natural male enchantments." She plugged in the toaster oven and arranged the other things on the kitchen island. "And everything from then on went consensually." She closed her eyes and tried to think back. "It's too bad Scamper is in Canterlot right now for the EPBS conference, or he'd tell you."

"Natural. Male. Enhancement," Cody repeated, arching an eyebrow. He pursed his lips as if he could collapse in tears from laughter at any moment.

"Do you guys actually know what Zecora looks like?"

"Isn't she old, haggard, with a long beard, a deep voice, and she hangs around in cloaks? She's like the old-woman-who-follows-the-ice-cream-drunk-with-cats type?" Graham asked.

Twilight looked down at the floor, brushing through her mane with her hoof. "Seriously. I'll get you a picture in just a minute." She moved over two large class containers filled with candy. "Zecora is like one of our best loved residents by the human community of Ponyville-- you'll like her the second you meet her."

"Male. Enhancement," Cody repeated once again. His teeth chattered, and he closed his eyes as he tried to get back under control. "What kind of a freaky-deaky Nickelodeon-after-dark world is this anyway! Christ!" He whistled, moving over to the refrigerator. "And the enhancing actually freaking works here!" Graham took an immense breath before shrugging.

"Yes, in our world it works," Twilight said, switching on the toaster oven. "Now, then, back to our demonstration of Equestrian home economics." She thought about those blasted teenage males and their tendency to get side-tracked from the official human-x-Equestrian assimilation process.

Graham raised another hand in the air, this time waving it quickly side to side. He seemed to blush slightly.

Twilight opened her mouth and let out a small sigh. "Look, seriously, you don't have to treat this the same way as an elementary school class or something. I'm standing like twenty-five inches away from you."

"Spoon told me--"

"Stop right there."

"Spoon told me that you and your five friends--"

"Stop," Twilight repeated, accidentally bonking her side into the counter

"Spoon said that you six drugged Nightmare Moon's water supply, and that's how you got her to get back to Princess Luna."

Twilight let out a long, low groan.

"Spoon said that the Elements of Melody sneaked into her Lunar castle complex by disguising themselves as meteorites before dumping vials of bright red cream into Nightmare's fountain--"

"Stop. Right. There," Twilight declared, sticking a hoof into Graham's leg. He brushed his coke-bottle glasses nervously.

"Spoon," Graham muttered before immediately cutting himself off.

"Anything you say that begins with 'Spoon' and does not refer to one of these," Twilight said, holding up a thick metal spoon to her right, "you can flat out say is wrong."

"But..."

"Even if all Silver Spoon tells you is that it's blasted sunny outside, it's probably raining cats and dogs. Okay?" Twilight clenched her teeth. "You should trust her less than one of those talking heads on that TMZ channel that humans keep talking to me about. Any sentence that begins with 'Spoon told me' is false. The end." She brushed the refrigerator door and glared at her irritated expression. "So, can we finally get back to the assimilation process? Please?"

"So, ah," Graham said as Twilight put something looking like the Equestrian version of Hot Pockets onto the kitchen counter, "that whole thing about the Elements of Melody shaving humans' heads as they sleep to use their hair as magical--"

Twilight shot him a frustrated glance.

"I'll just... stop talking."

Twilight coughed. "Right, back to 'class', as it were." She motioned all three humans to stand behind her. "Now, then, I'd like to show you something very important about the usage of magic-based kitchen appliances." She looked back and saw nods all around her, although Cody still couldn't take his eyes off of his iPod. "Please turn that off."

"What?" Cody asked, pulling out his earbuds. Twilight picked up some authorial voice about a 'global financial crisis' and the 'failure of multi-national debt obligations to ensure liquidity' assigned by 'Gallic societies' coming from those earbuds that made her feel warm about being in a world where nopony had to worry about such things.

"Seriously, you have to turn those off. I'm actually going to use your iPod as part of our demonstration, if you don't mind."

"As long as it'll still work afterwards," Cody said, wrapping the bright blue earbuds around the small sliver unit and resting it on the far edge of the kitchen island.

"Now, please pay close attention," Twilight said, sliding a golden-brown treat out of its wrapper and into the toaster oven. "This thing here is a hay turnover filled with scrambled eggs in West Hoofington sauce. I'll just put it in and prepare the timer." She shut the door and pressed the large green button. "You can see that the vast majority of appliances in an Equestrian kitchen work the same way as their American counterparts. The refrigerator has a handle that's larger and has to be pressed harder, designed to fit a hoof, and the sink is the same way. Cosmetic changes like that will be easy to get used to."

The three teenagers made noises of agreement.

"However, a few appliances are designed for use by unicorns or, far more rarely of course, by alicorns. They have these bright-colored 'm' symbols on the side as you can see." Twilight traced her hoof along the backside of the toaster oven. The humans' eyes took in every last inch of the bright white device and the various light blue stripes along its sides. "Alright, so these things react oddly to humans. Let me show you."

"Fascinating," Cody said, leaning down until he stood face to face with the device. The metallic tray inside the oven seemed to glare back at him like some kind of monster-- with the Equestrian Hot Pocket as its tongue.

"And, just watch," Twilight said. "Counting down until I start it. One. Two." The teenagers were at their full attention, poised close over Twilight's body. "One!"

She slapped the large black button reading 'start'.

"Ahhhh," the three murmured, bracing themselves.

Twenty seconds of nothingness went by.

"Hey... Twilight..." Robin muttered, stepping back a little.

Another ten seconds of nothingness happened.

"I don't get it," Cody said, sliding a few feet away. "Nothing's going on."

"Exactly!" Twilight called out, hopping onto the middle of the kitchen floor and making an adorably silly face. She stuck out her front hooves. Robin gushed for a moment, wanting to just hug Twilight on the spot.

"So..." Cody said.

"Nothing happens. Nothing happens at all. Nothing magical works," Twilight said, stepping around the three humans as they subconsciously shimmied over against each other. "You humans nullify magic. It's not just that magic fails to work on your own bodies. Even a blast from Princess Celestia's own horn would fly off your shorts like a bee from a petal. But, more than that, you humans create from your very bodies--" Twilight nudged a hoof against Robin's side, making him blush a bit. "A sort of anti-magical field. This is something that our Equestrian scientists have actually measured in laboratories from our various experiments on some volunteer humans."

"I feel sorry for whomever that was," muttered Cody.

"Hey, now," Twilight retorted. "Those test subjects got paid. And the smell went away after a few dozen baths, anyways."

"A few dozen... what," Robin began.

"Anyways," Twilight went on, stepping back over to the toaster oven, "this means that you'll be unable to use a lot of devices in Ponyville. As well, ponies will sometimes insist that you stay away from them as they cook. Don't be mad in either case. Treat ponies with love and tolerance. They will, I assure you, love and tolerate you back." Twilight paused in front of Robin. He seemed to want a hug. Or, at least, a hug seemed appropriate for the demonstration. Twilight pressed herself against him.

"Eeep," Robin said, a wave of warm and fuzzy feelings rocketing up his sides. He awkwardly shifted his hands over and pet her long, smooth mane for a moment.

"See?" Twilight leaned over to the right and sucked in a gigantic breath. "Just ask your local 'Humanity Relations Officer' for assistance if need be. Whenever you feel frustrated, we will be to smooth things over. Don't you agree that, ah, that was a successful hug?"

"Sure..."

"Don't you feel your serotonin levels being restored, Robin?" Twilight fluttered her incredibly pretty eyes as he had practiced. She saw Robin brightening up just as she wanted, and she smiled again as she turned the toaster oven towards her.

"Ah, yes. Achievement unlocked! Hug Success! One thousand extra points!" Robin joked, pumping a fist in the air melodramatically. Cody appeared to suffer iPod withdraw, simply gazing longingly at his appendage-like device on the counter and shivering slightly. Graham stood silently in between them both.

"And, I'm sure," Twilight said, opening up the toaster oven door and closing it again.

"Hey!" Graham interjected. All eyes went on him. "Why is that?"

"Why is what?" Twilight asked.

"Why? Why doesn't magic work on humans? Why are humans so different?" Graham said, rubbing a hand on his chin. Robin and Cody nodded a second later.

"Oh, don't worry," Twilight replied, sitting down on the ground and going through some more cabinet drawers in the kitchen island. "I'll explain that during 'Equestrian Science and History 101'. There's a nice short-film that Princess Luna has made explaining everything pretty well that we'll show way over your heads in Ponyville City Hall."

"When do we reach that part in our 'assimilation process'?" Cody asked.

"In," Twilight began, and she tried to activate her magic. She heard something like the sound of toothpaste accidentally dripping onto the floor. She paused, looking up at the weak purple light going over her horn, and she chuckled. "Oh, right, you guys are standing way too close to me for me to use my magic that well. Blast it." They stared to step backwards, but Twilight gestured at the teenagers to stay put. She physically got up and walked over to her clipboard, left besides the kitchen's door, and she flipped through the pages. "Ah, yes, Equestrian Science and History 101 is in... in..." She came to the last page and took a breath. "About eight hours? Eight hours."

"Eight hours?" Robin asked. "Can't we just, at least, give a little outline right now? Nothing fancy, just the basics." His compatriots nodded silently.

"That's, uh, not hard. No problem," Twilight said. She glanced all around the kitchen for items that she could use for props. She made out a tall canister crammed with spaghetti and brought it over to the large container of rainbow-colored candies. "Excellent!"

"What are you doing?" Cody asked. Twilight simply grinned from cheek to cheek, her ears flipping forwards in anticipation. The teenagers watched as Twilight spilled the candies onto the countertop and arranged them into a spiral shape, with various arms each of one color branching off from the center.

"Okay," Twilight said. "You've all been to American high schools at least, right?" She saw nods all around. "And you actually learned things there instead of spending your time smoking weed and debating who would win a fight between Green Lantern and Spiderman, right?" She saw the same thing.

"Goddamn it, how could it not be Green Lantern you morons..." Graham whispered, sticking his hands in his pockets.

"This--" Twilight spread her hooves around her candy treat spiral. "Is what you humans call the 'Milky Way Galaxy'. She bonked her hoof against one of the bright blue candies-- this candy looking even lighter than the rest. "Your world is right here on that spiral arm." She hopped up to push herself onto the counter. "And Equestria is way, way over here." She pointed at a bright red candy piece on another spiral arm-- about a hundred and eighty degrees from the human world-- that also looked even lighter than the rest. "Frustrating enough, both of us call our planets 'Earth'. But we can just go with the 'blue' versus 'red' distinction for now."

"Following this so far," Cody remarked.

"Okay, so your planet rotates around a small yellow sun with certain characteristics. It sort of provides a shield for your planet. Stuff happens all of the time in this galaxy." Twilight held her hoof around some of the other blue candies. "Sometimes, there's a supernova." She smashed her hoof down and pressed a blue candy into a sugary crater. "That's when another star explodes at the end of its lifespan. And other interesting things happen all the time." She wiggled about some of the blue candies and made blurb-y noises from her lips. "Oftentimes, these things create cosmic rays."

"Thank Christ this was a class that I passed," Robin said, flashing a smile as he rested his right hand on his head.

"These cosmic rays frequently penetrate your own solar system," Twilight continued, picking up some small pieces of spaghetti. She stuck them against the crushed blue candy and made motions as she made more popping sounds. The spaghetti pieces traveled from the metaphorical supernova candy piece to the metaphorical Earth piece. "You get bathed by these things. Fortunately, you don't get too much of them-- frying your senses into nothingness-- given the power of your sun and it's electromagnetic shield from it's energy. Think of your sun's energy as a warm blanket analogous to the sun's heat."

Graham seemed to be having an out-of-body experience. He stood as still as a statue, his mouth hanging so open that he almost drooled.

"Is this too complicated?" Twilight asked, trying to put on the cutest expression she could with her mane fluttering over her shoulders. If Rarity had taught her anything, it was that males-- regardless of species-- pay more attention to the more attractive companions.

"No, keep going," Cody said, playing with some of the red candy pieces. "Damn, how the hell did we get all the way over here in the first place?" He breathed out deeply, fogging up the counter.

"I can't answer that specific question. I've heard everything from miniature black holes to some kind of massive trolling by a divine higher power to quirks created by time-travelers. And then some. But, seriously, let's stay on this other topic." Twilight pointed back at the human planet candy. "You get a lot of cosmic rays on your planet. These rays are composed of multiple types of particles. Some of them are subatomic materials known as 'muons' by your scientists."

The pained expressions going over Cody and Robin's faces made it clear that Twilight had to act carefully around the jargon.

"Those 'muons', or so our scientists think, hold the key." Twilight stepped a bit to the side at another candy-based model besides her model galaxy. "This here is a hypothetical atom on your planet." She hovered her hoof around. "There are yellow 'electrons' with negative charges spinning around your green 'neutrons' with no charge, which in turn act like glue to hold the 'orange' protons with positive charges." She pushed the electron-related candies in a circle. "This is a gross oversimplification for many reasons, of course, but it'll do." She paused to make sure that the teenagers kept up with her, and she went on. "These 'muons' come into the picture. For the purposes of this illustration, think of the atom as like a body with the alien, outer-space-created muons carried on the body's shoudler like a backpack." She slid a brown candy piece over into the metaphorical atom. "We don't need to describe what exactly the muon does. Suffice to say, it is there. There."

The humans simply shrugged. Twilight flickered her ears backwards and stood up straight.. She made a triumphant smack against the 'muon' piece-- scraping it off with her right hoof.

"This is it. This is the reason why. This is important." Twilight closed her eyes. She opened them again, and she watched as the teenagers focused their eyes like lazer beams on the brown residue on her hoof.

Robin brushed her hoof with his right index finger, bringing it immediately to his lips. "These subatomic particles taste like... coffee flavor..."

"Eeewww," Graham called out, leaning backwards. Cody simply seemed to shake, eyes locked longingly back at his iPod. He looked more like a wayward heroin addict underneath a pile of week-old newspapers in a Bronx alley needing a fix by the second.

"Am I getting through at all?" Twilight sniffed, pressing her head flat against the counter.

"I'm seriously just joking," Robin went on in a smoother, more masculine voice as he patted his hands along Twilight's shoulders. "I get it. We get it. Earth, ah, our 'Earth', is like that. But how is Equestria any different?"

She took in a little breath. "We don't have muons here. That's the key." Twilight fipped around and poised herself over the galxy model, standing on the kitchen stool and holding out her hooves like some kind of divine emporer of the universe. "We don't have the same thing happening on our side of the galaxy. Sure, we have supernova. Cosmic rays exist. But--" Twilight waved around the spaghetti-related rays besides the red candies while making 'pew pew' noises. "Our sun seems more powerful than yours in a fundamental way. We have a stronger blanket. It doesn't quite make sense-- or, I should say, our scientists don't understand our peculiarities exactly yet. There's also something even beyond our solar system. There's like a hill, say. Imagine that part of this counter was taller than the rest. Then, the cosmic rays would slide right around our solar system without even making it far enough to hit our solar shield."

"No rays. None of those particles in your world that our world has," Robin commented. He scratched against his chin, deep in thought. "It's like your own part of the galaxy will appear to have this... this... it's like a subtly different set of laws of physics, almost." Robin's eyes opened up wide, his hair fluttering over his face. He clearly had some kind of deep, intuitive realization.

"You're on the right track, yeah," Twilight remarked. "It's not just 'cartoon physics', or so you humans like to say about Equestria, but it's 'cartoon bio-chemistry'." She pointed back at her model atom. "There's something like a big batch of empty space in the atoms here-- the atoms in my body right now--" She ran a hoof all along her chest. "That hypothetically should have muons but doesn't."

"And, instead," Robin said, "that space is filled with--"

"Magic?" Cody asked.

"To be precise, 'magitrons'," Twilight declared, turning over and pushing all of the candies back into the container. "Our bodies on our planet have evolved to use these particles that we have in place of muons. It doesn't matter if a pony isn't a unicorn. They still have bodies full of magitrons. Otherwise, a pegasus couldn't fly with her small wings-- too small to move enough air physically. And so on."

"Where do the magitrons come from?" Cody asked. "Isn't this a sort of 'turtles all the way down' problem, then?"

"That's a good question," Twilight said, sheepishly leaning down and sitting closer to the floor. "Don't get the reference to our watery friends. But, anyways, I..." She froze for a moment, wondering how to best summarize the latest in cutting-edge Canterlot cosmic research to such a group that seemed barely able to even use an Equestrian toilet. "I think the best way to answer that is to say that we think-- again, emphasis on the word 'think'-- that magitrons just so happen to exist everywhere in the galaxy. But, here in Equestria, our absence of the kind of cosmic ray exposure has meant that it plays a bigger role in our chemistry. They exist on your planet, but they get crowded out sort of... think of..."She trotted over to the bags of bread besides the small black toaster to their far left. "Just so much-- so much stuff there--"

Twilight tried to shove three pieces of bread into one slot of the toaster, and they somehow fit, albeit just barely. She then grabbed something that looked like an Equestrian Pop Tart from a large glass jar to her side and attempted to squeeze it in between the bread. She pressed down hard, holding the Pop Tart-like white and red piece in her teeth, but it just crumbled in her mouth.

"You see? Doesn't fit," said Twilight in between gobbling up the tasty pieces.

Cody, Robin, and Graham all shook their heads in agreement.

"Alright, ahhh..." Twilight hunted around the floor for her clipboard. "Now that we explained all that about magic and humans and whatnot-- seriously, Luna's film will do a much better job later on-- let's get back on schedule."

"Here," said Cody as he handed Twilight back her clipboard.

"Ah, right," she replied as she flipped through the pages. "Okay, covered that, covered that, covered that--" She glanced up at the clock atop the door to the kitchen. "Oh, no! We've taken so much time! Well, I suppose you guys can learn a lot by trial and error. Hopefully." She took a gulp, not really trusting this group with even the basic material. "Well, we could skip that. We could skip that. We could summarize that later. And--" She stopped going through the pages. "Oh, yeah!"

"Yeah, what?" asked Graham.

"Since Cody brought one with him, we can do the 'Human-x-Equestrian Cross-Interference Demonstration'. It looks way, way different than the 'Human-x-Equestrian Interference Demonstration' that we just did trying to cook the hay turnover. Totally different." An almost evil looking grin crept up over Twilight's face as she rubbed her front hooves together. "You guys will just love this." She went back over to the toaster oven and made sure she had it turned on. She flashed her eyes over at Cody, and her mane seemed to fray at that very moment with purple strands jutting all about. She opened up the toaster oven and pulled out the, still very cold, Equestrian-version of a Hot Pocket.

"Now, then, time to see what happens when you mix human electronic technology with pony electronic technology." She let out a long torrent of giggles. "Hand over your iPod, please, and I'll slide it right in there." She flipped the toaster oven's door up and down and pretended as if it could talk, making little groaning sounds.

Cody took a gulp as he sheepishly gave her the device. Her grin grew wider. His fingers shook, eyes locked on Twilight's oddly cracked-like expression.

To Be Continued...

Human Three (Graham)

"Let's keep going," Twilight remarked, watching as Nurse Redheart and the cart containing Cody's food-soaked body faded into a mere spot in the horizon. She turned over to Graham and Robin. The two of them both held Cody's somehow pristine-looking iPod in their hands, looking amazed that it still could work and trying to reset it as they leaned up against the side wall of Twilight's library. Twilight cleared her throat loudly.

"No offense, but," Robin began, scooting over to the side and glancing about at the marvelous bright tulips and neatly trimmed shrubberies across the side of Twilight's place. "This all has been rather crazy, to say the least."

"No need to say any more," Twilight commented, holding up an understanding hoof and lowering her eyes. She trotted over to the teenagers and opened the door for them. "I've already decided that we'll make today's immigration class a 'half day', and we'll just have brunch early."

"Ahh, sweet," Graham said, grabbing his glasses and wiping them off of his sweat-stained shirt.

Twilight led them into her library and pointed over at another door that they had just walked by before. Robin opened it up, took a few steps in, and looked about the huge conference room. Motivational posters with ponies leaping over burning trees, staring down immense monsters in the shadows, building immense dams, and doing other such feats decorated all around the walls. A variety of plain yet comfortable looking white tables with matching padded white chairs laid out in the middle of the room.

Graham sat down at the table nearest the center of the room. He stared straight down at where his side of the room, filled with tables, met with the flat stage-like area with intricate gray tiles on the floor and a small, neat fireplace— all on the right side of the room. Robin followed over while putting Cody's iPod into his back pocket. They both made small sighs.

"Now, it would be just peachy," Twilight said, stepping over in front of the teenagers, "if we could use this early brunch constructively." She clutched a saddlebag underneath her. "And have you both finally finish filling out your immigration forms—" She pulled out two stacks of papers, one tinted slightly yellow and another tinted slightly blue.

Their loud groans made Twilight pause for a moment, and she swished her tail between her legs. Robin took off his sunglasses and rested them upon the edge of the table. Twilight thought for a moment that his large, golden-ish brown-ish eyes looked like something from one of those human movie stars she'd heard about.

"Alright, I know," she said, holding up another understanding hoof. "It's tedious. I promise that it'll go by a lot faster if you just both sit down and run through them. Just get it over with." She reached over with her mouth and gave both teenagers pens. "Now, I'll just grab what Spike has made for you two." She made a warm smile as she trotted out of the room.

"I don't freaking believe this," Robin remarked, turning to the spot where he had left on the yellow papers. He took a little breath before bubbling more holes in.

"Can you believe these questions?" Graham asked, holding up the section that he had just gotten to. He arched an eyebrow as he chuckled.

=> Have you ever publicly dressed with clothing made by yourself out of discarded industrial materials?
[Yes] [No]

=> Have you ever deposited your ejaculate into someone else's food or drink for the purposes of your own enjoyment?
[Yes] [No]

"I like how they phrased it as 'deposited'," Robin said, leaning back in his chair, "as if they were talking about going to a Bank of America ATM or something with your... yeah..."

"Twilight didn't write this herself, did she?" Graham scratched along his shoulder for a moment.

"Of course she didn't." Robin tapped his legs idly against the side of the table. "I'm sure some official-type ponies in Celestia's office did it."

"Here we are!" Twilight called out, balancing a tray on her back. She walked over from the door and slid the tray down the teenagers' table. They both eyed the glasses of sparkling blue slushies and savory-looking grilled-cheese sandwiches, a smattering of mashed potatoes on the sides. "Of course, you can still fill out your forms while eating." She put on a nagging, mother-like facial expression that she'd used on Spike countless times.

The teenagers shifted about in their chairs for a moment before grabbing their drinks. They went on with their forms, much to Twilight's approval. She turned around, feeling confident at how 'that look' seemed to work every time, and she nabbed a tripod leaning up against the wall. She tugged it over to the middle of the stage area, the stack of immense papers stuck to the top of the tripod jiggling with her every move.

"Okay, so I’ll be giving you a presentation on ‘Equestrian Anatomy and Physiology Basics’," Twilight remarked, hunting around for a ruler that she had left in the conference room somewhere. "We can still get at least some semblance back of being on schedule, hopefully." She crossed her hooves for good luck.

"Twilight, seriously," Robin said after munching down half his sandwich. "I understand that you need to know a lot." He tapped his fingers upon his sack of administrative forms. Twilight kept her ears perked over towards him as she scurried about the room, looking everywhere." And Christ knows that you immigrating to the U.S. would be a billion times harder and nastier than what we're doing." Twilight slid her ruler out from underneath a dresser and smiled.

Twilight fiddled with her ruler, brushing it up against the edge of the table. She tried to give Robin a really sympathetic look. She didn't make the diplomatic rules, Celestia's administration did, even though she had enormous powers to change things.

"Some of these questions are worse than useless," Robin went on. "Just look at this." He held up the two ones that Graham had just laughed at.

Twilight stared at the sheet of paper. She crumpled onto the floor, looking over at her own slushie that she had brought on the teenagers' tray. Weeks and weeks of preparation, and she still could hardly stand explaining past human behavior to the new immigrants.

"Well?" Graham asked just before finishing his mashed potatoes.

"We, ah, ponies," Twilight replied, standing up and clearing her throat, "we have no problem with the customs on your human world. We simply ask that you respect our Equestrian society and culture, allowing for mutual toleration."

"Surely," Robin began, "you haven't had some young brat drop into Equestria and dribble his—"

"Every two weeks."

"What?"

"That happens about every two weeks," Twilight continued, brushing her mane while trying to find the right words. "As I just said, we ponies have no problem with human social norms. I'm sure that introducing such—" She closed her eyes, fighting a blush. "Alternative toppings for food and drink is a reasonable custom on your planet among certain populations adolescent males." She walked over to the tripod while grasping her drink. "But, well, we would prefer that you refrain from those sorts of things during your stay in Equestria."

Robin opened his mouth to say something back, but his mind went back. He decided to just nod. Graham did the same. They both returned to their paperwork, just flowing through the sheets.

“And, can I be sort of ‘real’ for a second, or so you say it on your world,” Twilight said, making air quotes, as she frowned. “I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to bite down on a nice, wet bowl of salad coated in white sauce and croutons with a smiling human staring at you through the window, only to… discover…” She made an angry look straight upwards as she leaned back upon the tripod. “Or, when you’ve got a nice brownie coated in what you think is just clean, normal whipped cream only to… and… just…” She pressed her hooves against her face. “Seriously! I just fantasize about seeing myself give humans a taste of their own medicine, picturing in my mind’s eye—” A shifty grin flashed over her face, her hooves still rubbing the top of her head. “Sliding a plate of their food underneath my…”

Graham let out a nervous cough. Twilight looked up, and she saw the teenagers staring at their already mostly eaten plates. Their faces turned sharply pale; their mouths left slightly open.

“Let’s forget it,” she muttered, standing back upwards.

“Why the hell is it only the 'forever alone' types or the Steve Stifler pervy weirdos or the stoner-ish slackers that end up in Equestria?” Robin whispered to himself, reaching over to clean his glasses. “No Rhodes scholars or the like ever get here? Not ever?”

"So," Twilight remarked, clopping her front hooves. "That stuff and eating Fluttershy's animals, cutting down cursed trees from the Everfree Forest, throwing tomatoes at ponies underneath bridges, and other things that we've had to deal with from your particular gender and age group... I'm sure that you both will have nothing to do with that." She smiled. "How far are you in your paperwork?"

"Almost done," Graham remarked, sipping from his drink.

"Done," Robin said about a minute later, putting his pen down and smiling. Graham didn't feel any pressure, taking his time going through the questions, but he looked up with a satisfied expression just a moment later.

"Great," Twilight said, walking over and holding up her saddlebag resting below the table. The teenagers shoved their papers in place. "Let’s get started with our ‘Equestrian Anatomy and Physiology Basics’ session.” She cleared her throat while tapping against her tripod. “Naturally, none of you need to know things that much in depth. We can just give you thumbnail sketches, and we’ll go into some things about pony lives that aren’t really ‘anatomical’ per se but are cultural.”

"Alright," both Robin and Graham muttered. They looked over to the left as the door creaked open. Spike poked his head out, a familiar sight to both humans, and he made a rotating sort of sign with his paws. Twilight gestured over at the mostly empty drinks. Spike made a thumbs up and popped back out of the room.

“Alright, so let’s go ahead and get started,” said Twilight as she rested herself against her huge tripod. “We’ll talk about Equestrian society and then go into the nuts of bolts of things. Since it's better to just lay things out than wait and lead you both on, I'll make it clear. Yes. This will include ‘Equestrian Sex Education’."

The teenagers curled forwards in their chairs, both of them blinking.

Twilight brushed her ruler against the tripod. She flipped over to the first page, an illustration of two happy unicorns sitting on a mossy stump watching a river flow besides them. "It should go without saying that all of this is going to be informative. Nothing salacious or titillating will be happening here. Is that understood?”

Nods followed in less than a second.

"Alright, so by this point you both have seen maps of Equestria," Twilight said, walking about the stage as she talked. "You know that we in Ponyville are out of the way of most of the goings on— events centered in Hoofington, Canterlot, and other major cities. However, almost all of the humans that have arrived have popped up here. My friends and I, whom you've all met—" Twilight stopped, wondering if they actually had met Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash. She had trouble telling humans apart at times, especially those with similar facial features.

"They're, ah," Robin said, wondering whether to be honest or diplomatic. He scratched his right cheek for a moment. "They're all nice." Fluttershy in particular at least had gotten to the point where she could wave to humans, although she seemed to have a heart attack when any of them dared to approach her. Robin could hardly blame her after having seen her pet bunnies turn into stew at the hands of some ignorant teenagers.

"We have an important role as the ‘Elements of Harmony’," Twilight went on, "and we've played a role in some interesting things over the past year, and... ah..." She stopped again, sipping her drink. She watched as Spike popped into the room with more refreshments. "Silly me, if I start talking about that, I'll have to go into 'History'. We were going to table all that information until later." She picked up her clipboard from her saddlebag at her hooves and took a deep breath, combing through pages.

"Thanks, Spike," Robin said, picking up his new glasses. Graham silently did the same.

"Let’s start with demographics," Twilight said, looking up from her clipboard over at the teenagers. She smiled as she saw that Spike had gotten her several cold drinks— she’d probably need all of them with that crowd. “There’s an interesting history to Equestria, and our politics and government have various particulars that you wouldn’t be familiar with. We’ll talk about that in later classes. Right now, we’ll focus on Ponyville.” She flipped to the next illustration on the tripod— a sugary sweet image of Fluttershy with Pinkie Pie and the Cakes in the middle of the city’s market street. “All through the country, we have about one third of ponies being unicorns, one third being earth ponies, and the rest being pegasii. In our town, it’s more like forty percent earth ponies, forty percent unicorns, and the rest…”

Robin, not sure what to think, made a thumbs up. Graham simply stared blankly at Twilight. She glanced over at them and nodded.

“The picture sort of illustrates that. It also sort of illustrates another interesting thing. Female ponies outnumber male ponies here,” Twilight said, smacking her ruler at the smiling face of Mr. Cake, “by a two to one margin or so. When you walk through the street, you might think of the city as all girls.” She made a little laugh, although she didn’t quite know why. She found it so interesting how male humans often considered it suffocating somehow— overcome with the femininity. “This sort of thing is true for most cities in Equestria, even a place such as ‘Coltsville’.”

“Why, though?” Robin asked. “You already know that it’s so different on our planet.”

“It’s fascinating,” Twilight replied, her face lighting up as she had hoped he’d ask that question. “The answer is in the particulars of our anatomy.” She went over to the next illustration. The teenagers stared intensely at the schematic drawing of a mare leaning up against a wall— the various blood vessels, organs, and the like laid bare. “Much as we are able to breathe the same air and communicate, in large part due to the mutations of your bodies during the unknown process that transported you here—” She paused, hoping that this reminder didn’t make the humans cringe.

The teenagers didn’t seem to care as they glanced down at their bodies. They had long gotten used to what they had called their ‘half-cartoony’ look when Twilight first brought them into her library, their figures overlaid with this pastel, bright-colored sheen that seemed to simplify every inch of them. Cody in particular had constantly compared his fingers to the device in his hands, although Twilight hadn’t recognized it as an iPod at the time.

Twilight had already seen human news programs on human electronic devices before. She had marveled time and time again at how dirty, crude, and gritty humans looked on their planet compared to on Equestria. Their planet looked so sad, overly detailed, and worn.

“And?” Robin asked, snapping Twilight out of her reverie.

“And,” she said, referring the teenagers to the anatomical illustration, “you can see that ponies are quite different than you humans on the inside. The first thing you’ll see is that our hearts are farther up, closer to our necks, than resting in the middle of our chests. You’ll also see that our blood system involves far less in the way of veins, arteries, and the like. Metaphorically speaking: instead of having sprawling road system with loads of side streets, we just rely on major highways and occasional onramps… and you both can see how this relates to our extra lungs compared to you humans.”

All this seemed to zoom over Graham’s head. He gazed down at the small cerulean chunks of ice bobbing about in his slushie. Robin faced Twilight directly and had his hand on his lips, looking transfixed by Twilight’s words.

“You’re not studying to be doctors or anything, so there’s no need for that much detail,” Twilight continued, stepping over right in front of the drawn mare. “Yet you can see the fundamental pattern that I need to drill down to you today. We ponies are made of the same stuff as you humans. Hearts, kidneys, capillaries, and so on… we just are arranged in subtly different ways. Think of LEGO pieces that can make a star-fighter as well as a regular commercial plane.” She liked that metaphor a lot, something that she could thank Nurse Redheart’s human boyfriend for.

“And ponies are mostly girls because,” Robin began, taking in a little breath, “ah… is that from the extra lungs? Do mares spout out more hot air or something?” Graham chuckled as Robin just smiled.

“Our understanding of humans,” Twilight answered, rubbing her ruler along the drawn mare’s back at various small orange orbs, “is that they are default female. The presence of the y-chromosome activates a set of genetic chain reactions that develop male-oriented traits, all of this closely relating to specific hormones. Our genetics work a bit differently, given the natural role of magic transmitted from mother to foal, but the broad trend is also true. Our scientists have hypothesized that our cosmic blanket that has protected us from cosmic rays is related to our, compared to humans, underdeveloped levels of male hormones. There’s a large selectivity bias against the y-chromosome in pony development— with other, selfish-like genes pushing it out of the way.”

“Twilight,” Graham interjected. Twilight stopped talking, reaching over for her drink. “This is, again, way too much.”

“Oh, of course, you don’t have to know that much about it,” Twilight said, flipping over to the next illustration. Robin recognized it as two cells with membranes around them and various things floating inside them compared side by side while Graham just groaned slightly. “Just keep in mind the simple refrain. We’re the same stuff, just arranged differently.” She paused for a moment before tapping both cells. “You can see that these are both mostly the same but with key differences. Human beings get their chemical energy from these large blue blobby things here—” She leaned over and put her face against the paper. “Called ‘mitochondria’. Ponies have, instead, a gigantic array of tiny ‘bioblasts’ that apply magic into raw organic materials directly, getting chemical energy for our cells that way.”

“Twilight,” Robin said, pulling down his sunglasses.

“It’s a bit much, I know,” Twilight replied, leaning over and looking through the various upcoming illustrations. “And you don’t need to know details, again…” She didn’t have much time to go through the upcoming topics. She knew it, and it frustrated her deeply as she rubbed her cheek against her drink.

“Look, it’s okay,” Robin said, taking off his sunglasses completely and making a warm smile. Twilight saw his big eyes seem to narrow, a smooth facial expression going over him. “We get it. Ponies are different in some ways but mostly the same in very basic structure. In terms of medicine, foods, and all that stuff, we have to be careful about what humans get versus what ponies get. We are aliens, after all. Graham and I understand that.”

Graham actually looked as if he would fall asleep at any moment. Twilight nodded anyways and picked up her ever-present clipboard, stepping away from her clipboard. “Well, ah,” she muttered, tossing papers up and down. “We could skip that. We could skip those things too, maybe. You don’t need to know about getting cutie marks, going through heat cycles, and other particulars of pony life at all, really, not even in thumbnail sketch form.” She took a gulp before going through the rest of the items. “Well, the immigration class is about assimilation anyways. That’s all about ‘what one needs to know, practically’.” Twilight put on an airy voice as she quoted Princess Celestia’s words to her. “As long as you both have that intuition developed about not necessarily taking pony medicine, eating pony foods, et cetera unless you know it’s okay, same thing with human stuff and ponies, then we can run ahead to the last part of the anatomy session.”

“I should remind you that I’ve seen an Equestria refrigerator explode today,” Robin commented, shifting his head about as he rested it on his right hand. “I’ll treat mixing human things with pony things with caution. It’s drilled into my mind.”

“Then,” Twilight replied, “let’s skip to—”

“What? Moving ahead?” Graham murmured, staggering about in his chair and getting back to attention. He rubbed a little drool from the side of his face.

“Yes, ‘Equestrian Sex Education’,” Twilight said, brushing her mane with both front hooves before scooting over a chair to her position in the middle of the room. “Aside from understanding the warnings about food and medicine, learning CPR for ponies, and…” She glanced through her clipboard one last time before looking over at the teenagers. “Well, there’s some other important things. We’ll get that done tomorrow. But, practically, these things that we talk about in sex education will come up ASAP for you guys if they haven’t already.”

“We’re really going into sex education now?” Robin asked, raising an eyebrow. He still didn’t quite understand if she was playing some kind of joke or not. Graham simply nudged his fingers all over his face nervously.

“Before you ask, I’ll get some things out the way.” Twilight sucked in a gigantic breath before slumping down in her chair, closing her eyes. “Yes, I have. Yes, I have with humans. Yes, I have with girls of both groups. No, I’m not interested in giving details.” She rubbed her bottom hooves together. “Got that?”

“Yes,” both Graham and Robin replied, feigning innocence. Robin had already picked up rumors of Twilight’s surprisingly long list of partners from the human grapevine. He suspected it anyways just from the fact that he’d seen time and time again back in California the nerdiest girls always being the biggest and most creative sex fiends.

“I’ll just get you your illustration pieces,” Twilight said as she walked over to the end of the humans’ table. She pulled out a small brown box with her teeth and propped in front of them. They both pulled out two model ponies and two model humans for themselves, all of the figurines naked.

Robin scratched his head while Graham made a light popping sound. Although they looked mostly like the sort of dolls that they could have bought from Target or Walmart, Twilight had made the figurines anatomically correct. They both stood the fake humans up and put them on the backs of the fake ponies, legs curled around the fake ponies’ sides.

“Good, now,” Twilight said, standing over away from them and eyeing her drink, “you will not be seeing anything explicit. There will be no ‘live tests’ or anything like that. Get everything else out of your mind. We will just use those little anatomically correct figures in your hands right now as well as go through a short lecture based on these drawn images on the tripod. Okay, so I see you’ve already gotten a good look at those.”

Twilight sipped her drink, watching the teenagers as they examined every last inch of the pieces. They couldn’t help but giggle profusely as they tried to fit the pieces together into various positions, bending all of their arms and legs around while making cheesy sound effects. Twilight made a tiny sigh.

“You have a human female, lets call her ‘Sherry’, and a human male, say ‘Brian’. And there’s a pony female, ‘Spring’, along with a pony male, ‘Blueberry’.” Twilight flashed back to when Pokey Pierce had named the pony figurines ‘Rarity’ and ‘Mac’, not even thinking of the embarrassment when Twilight had rehearsed the sex education class in front of her friends.

Graham and Robin seemed to barely pay attention to Twilight, both of them independently trying to position their figurines into orgies. Graham made a motorboat-like noise with his fingers over his mouth. Robin snickered. Twilight tried hard to keep herself from laughing at the scene, her drink poised over her face.

“Ahem!” Twilight called out. “You know, if you could only see yourself playing with dolls like that—”

“Oh, ah, right,” Robin said, blushing a bit before pushing the figurines over to the end of the table. He stood up straight in his seat. Graham did the same just a moment afterward.

“Good,” Twilight said. “Now, then, let’s go over some other basics of pony anatomy quickly before we go on. We will compare and contrast human and pony males as well as females. This class here, of course, assumes— correctly, I know for sure in your cases—” Twilight leaned over right in front of Graham and Robin’s faces. “That you’ve had some human-centered sex education coursework over on your planet.”

Graham, obviously the lesser experienced of the two in such sensitive matters, pressed his glasses back on his face and shifted to the side in his chair a few inches. Robin just took in a little breath. Twilight leaned up upon her tripod and flipped over to the first page of her presentation.

The teenagers gazed at the picture of Big Mac with Pinkie Pie’s human baking assistant, nicknamed ‘Snoopy’. Snoopy had poised over Mac in the middle of Sugarcube Corner, prepared to smash Mac’s face with a small blueberry pie. Mac, an uncharacteristic goofy smile over his face, had shot his hooves over Snoopy’s bare feet, clearly tickling him.

“Let’s look at males first. To simplify things, we’ll look at earth ponies and unicorns only.” Twilight pointed with a ruler at the page. “As you can see, a typical adult stallion is rather smaller than the typical adult man. Of course, as you’d expect, every single individual is unique. One can find enormous stallions and tiny men. However, looking at averages helps a lot.” She looked out and saw the teenagers taking in her words well, and she let herself relax a bit. “The average man inside Equestria stands five feet eleven inches tall and weighs just a bit under two-hundred pounds. The average stallion stands three feet four inches tall and weighs one-hundred-sixty pounds.”

“Seems right,” Robin remarked, tapping a pencil upon his cheek.

“Broadly speaking, a male unicorn and a man have the same kind of strength, but the man will be slower. Things such as agility, reflex, vitality, and so on are too individual-specific to generalize. A male earth pony is both far stronger and far faster,” Twilight continued. “It should go without saying that about every stallion that you meet will treat you kindly and generously in Ponyville, kindness and human-familiarity being sort of our thing.” She tried to think back before the first strange bipedal creature had appeared. It all felt like millennia ago, and town residents other than holdouts such as Fluttershy or pranksters such as Silver Spoon treated a new human as casually as they treated Spike.

The teenagers’ eyes popped up wider as Twilight flicked over to the next page. The medical-type illustration showed a human male lying on a couch besides a stallion, both of them positioned with the areas between their legs aimed at the direction of a nearby half-open window. Robin blinked rapidly for a moment.

“Ah, so are they going to be ‘releasing themselves’ out the window onto the crowd nearby or what?” Graham asked, coughing.

“Just… just…” Twilight stepped away from her chair and took another big, long look at the painting— a recent replacement for the old image. A cold chill ran up her back. “Oh, dear sweet Celestia, it looks like that doesn’t it?” Robin and Graham both fought laughs. “Who the hay actually drew this thing anyways?” She paused, grabbing the tip of the paper with her hoof and examining the tiny signature and artist’s message. “Artwork courtesy of P. D. Pie Enterprises? Please check out our ninety-five related pieces? Really?” Twilight thought over her pink friend’s odd hobbies before shaking her head and tapping against the desk softly with her ruler. “Please… ignore most of the image. Okay? Just focus on the two characters. You ought to refer to your figurines right now for Brian and Blueberry.”

The teenagers dutifully held their pieces up in the air in front of them.

“Now, then,” Twilight said, hunting back for the emotionless, neutral-sounding words that she had rehearsed time and time before. “You can see that the fundamental male components work the same for both creatures. They appear basically the same for each. They also have the color that the male has over the rest of their body, for the most part, albeit stallions will tend to have a lighter, more pinkish tone on their male components. Sensitivity is the same. The only real difference is that of size.”

Graham and Robin both melted in their seats, feeling particularly inadequate as the realization sunk in.

“Blueberry here, the typical stallion, is about fourteen inches long and six and a half inches wide in circumference. Brian, in contrast, is about five and a half inches long and four inches wide in circumference,” Twilight said, sliding her ruler up and down the particular male areas in question on the paper illustration. “Of course, these are measurements taken during full invigoration, and size during periods without invigoration is completely irrelevant.”

“Aaaah, does… and… with…” Graham muttered, turning several different shades of red. He didn’t even know if he had a real question.

“And,” Twilight continued, “while individual factors make most of the difference, we can observe somewhat of a trend. Brian here will naturally remain invigorated for about two minutes after the first stimuli. Otherwise, protracted invigoration is up to his own management and stamina.” Twilight reached for yet another cold drink, having already emptied several. She flashed back to her various conversations with Princess Celestia and others as to how delicately to word things. Ultimately, she just had to do her best herself. “Blueberry will remain so naturally for about ten minutes. Same thing applies after that point. Should Blueberry release emissions during this period—”

She locked eyes with the two teenagers. They remained hooked on her every word, although both appeared mildly disgusted. Graham in particular seemed to constantly scrub his sweaty, thick neck with his right hand, jittering a little bit.

“Blueberry will produce about an Equestrian tablespoon’s worth of male reproductive material. Brian will produce about an Equestrian teaspoon’s worth. And, again, individual circumstances vary.”

“Vary,” Robin repeated, leaning back in his chair.

“Vary a lot,” Twilight said. She started to flip over to the next illustration before stopping halfway. “Ah, Graham and Robin…” She took a gulp. “No offense intended in the slightest, but I believe that neither of you would be interested in expanding our discussion on stallions to—”

“Yeah, just skip it,” Robin remarked.

Twilight went on, “to involve same-gender situations whether pony with pony or pony with human—”

“Skip it!” Graham called out.

Twilight and Robin watched as Graham seemed to sweat even more than before, squirming in his chair. “It’s… and… I…” He sniffed a moment before idly tapping a pencil in his right hand. “I just don’t like that stuff. I don’t hate anyone. I just can’t stand it.”

“Fair enough,” Twilight said, flipping several pages in advance. She stood beside a beautiful copy of a painting with a country mare and a fancy dressed woman, both of them smiling and laughing. Rarity had supplied that print copy from her own private collection, which Twilight had long appreciated. “Let’s talk about mares.”

“Right,” Robin said, lighting up with his shoulders going back. Graham just sat back with a flat expression over his face, not wanting to attract any more attention to himself.

“Once again, we’ll look at earth ponies and unicorns only.” Twilight slid side to side in the middle of the floor, idly rubbing her hind hooves against her ruler. “Just as with males, a typical mare is significantly smaller than the typical woman. Males are larger than females on both planets, generally speaking. The average woman inside Equestria stands five feet five inches tall and weighs one-hundred-fifty pounds. The average mare stands three feet one inch tall and weighs one-hundred and ten pounds. Generalities all, but useful ones.”

Both teenagers nodded, having seen lots of mares all through Ponyville around that size. They waited in sheer anticipation for the next part.

“Both unicorns and earth ponies appear to, on average, be stronger and faster than women,” Twilight went on. “Other traits vary too much, and research is ongoing.”

“And?” Graham asked, his legs giggling underneath the table.

“And,” Twilight repeated, flipping over to the next illustration. The teenagers leaned up in their seats and blinked, their hearts starting to race. They gawked at the drawn image of a tall, slender earth pony with her body propped atop a section of dandelions, her rear pushed upwards with her tail wrapped around her back. The artist seemed to spare no detail on the mare’s back body.

Twilight nervously coughed. She snapped her ruler down against the floor, bringing the teenagers back to attention. She sipped her glass for a moment before moving on.

“Ponies don’t normally wear clothes. Yet it’s also clearly understood, for purposes of modesty, that mares should keep their tails down to block view of their feminine areas. Pony society strongly discourages staring as well as any attempt to sneak unwanted peeks. Ponies don’t flaunt themselves that directly— that’s scandalous type behavior. This should really go without saying,” Twilight commented.

“Without saying,” Robin repeated in a way that made it clear he didn’t consider obtaining unwanted peeks such a bad idea.

“As you have seen, clearly,” Twilight said, her slightly irritated tone for that last word leading the teenagers to stand up straighter and put on more calm, student-looking facial expression. “Mares have longer and— although this you can’t see in this image— deeper feminine components than their human counterparts. The inner cavity that holds the male component reaches about four and a half inches long for a woman until the opening to the— the—” Twilight froze, forgetting her euphemism.

“Look, you can just say ‘womb’,” Robin muttered, leaning his head against his right arm.

“Womb.” She drank up the last of her glass, muttering to herself how she had gotten to the point of explaining Equestrian anatomy to alien creatures. She wondered if some divine being that had created her universe was laughing at her at that moment. “Alright.” She fantasized about throwing her drink upon the floor and smashing it into a million pieces. “A woman’s inner cavity is also about four inches wide in circumference. As for the external feminine components, ah, one can observe—”

“The exact size in inches doesn’t really matter, seriously,” Robin remarked. “It’s way too much detail.”

“Well, it does matter, just,” Twilight muttered. She sipped her next drink while sitting down.

“I’m just saying that I can’t imagine anypony showing up to their marefriend’s bedroom with a tape-measure in their pocket,” Robin commented, scuffing his hair as he giggled.

“I know,” Twilight said, “I’m just trying to get some important things across.” She brushed her mane with her ruler in frustration.

“We get it,” Graham remarked. He shifted backwards in his seat as the sweat poured down from his cheeks onto his shoulders and neck. “Pony girls are, ah, longer. In between their legs. They’re like one and a half times as long stretching down as human girls.”

“Broadly speaking, yes,” Twilight said. She cursed the day that she had to be put into that position— explaining such things to group after group of humans. It seemed more art than science, and she still couldn’t quite make it work even after weeks and weeks of trial and error.

“Since stallions are so much bigger, both longer and wider, mares have to be bigger too. Both in their, ah, ‘internal components’ and their ‘external components’,” Robin said. “It’s common sense, really.”

“Sure,” Twilight replied.

“So, ah…” Graham murmured.

“The operative question is,” Robin asked.

“If it’s a pony and a… a something that’s not a pony together…” Graham said.

“Do the…” Robin muttered.

“The…” Graham muttered.

“Do the parts really fit?” the two of them finally spat out.

Twilight blinked. The teenagers blinked as well. They all suddenly realized that they had leaned up until they stood mere inches from each other’s faces— panting going on all around.

Twilight awkwardly cleared her throat. “Yes and no.”

The teenagers collapsed backwards in their seats, glancing straight upwards at the ceiling. They tapped their feet against the legs of the table. Twilight fought back her enormous blush.

“Okay, to make things even clearer than the figurines and my upcoming illustrations—” Twilight stopped as she noticed, to her momentary horror, that the teenagers had accidentally broken the pieces of male anatomy clear off of the pieces in their attempted orgy scene. “I brought a simpler demonstration.” She stepped off of the stage in front of the teenagers as they both anxiously jiggled around in their places. She opened up the dresser on the far side of the room and pulled out a cooler. As Graham and Robin watched, Twilight he propped it up on the table.

“What the hell is this?” Robin asked, peering into the open cooler.

Twilight pulled out two long, thick hot dogs, two pastry buns, and two long, dripping wet socks. She gave one of each to each teenager and took a deep breath. It took Robin a few seconds for him to get it. Graham, for his part, just looked totally confused, pulling his glasses off. He seemed so embarrassed that he wanted to cry.
“You… want… and…” Robin murmured.

“Look at your assigned hot dog,” Twilight calmly replied. Robin did so. “Pick it up. Shift yourself away from the table.” Graham silently looked on as Robin followed Twilight’s every command.

Robin held up the stubby hot dog in the air in front of him. His fingers gently slid up and down the sides. It seemed maybe on the small side, at about five inches long, but it seemed just four inches around or so in terms of circumference. The slippery thing felt so cold upon his fingers.

“Now, look down at that.”

Robin’s assigned sock, dripping wet from every inch, seemed at least a dozen inches long although not by much more. He anxiously shivered as he pushed his hand forwards and pulled the sock out straight. The width seemed just right as well. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to calm his fast-beating heart.

“Now, Robin,” Twilight said, making a playful smile as she tossed her mane about although she knew that she shouldn’t. “See if the parts fit when it’s a human male crossing the planetary boundary.”

Never before had a wet sock meant so much to a teenage boy’s heart. Robin pressed his lips together and slipped his hot dog into the end, nudging it up and down in a circle through the fabric. He pushed forwards, inch by inch taking his time, and he finally had his hot dog nestled in all the way to its end. He held the back tip of his hot dog with his fingers and throbbed it up and down, brushing up against the sides of the sock. Wetness oozed all across the table.

“It, ah, fits. Right?” Robin asked, sweat dripping down his cheeks.

“Right,” Twilight replied.

“It’s all, like slippery,” Robin muttered. “And it’s so moist. And there’s room to move about. It lets me wiggle around the loose edges.” Robin finally just shut himself up, not wanting to make things get any weirder.

“That’s all correct.”

He slid his hot dog a few inches out of the sock and twisted it around in place. “Well, this clearly feels good on this side.”

“Clearly,” Twilight coyly repeated.

Robin closed his eyes and pressed his lips together. He squeaked out, “What about from the sock’s position? How does it feel?”

“You seem to have nudged around in so many ways, brushing all around the moistness,” Twilight commented, still keeping that playful tone to her smooth voice. “Tell me, honestly, what would you expect the sock’s position to feel like?”

“It would,” Robin began, opening his eyes once again. He didn’t finish his sentence. He didn’t have to.

Twilight just nodded and smiled.

“What’s the catch?” Graham suddenly interjected.

Twilight turned around and sized up the overweight teenager, his fingers nervously scratching around his hairy neckline. “The what?” she asked, a genuinely confused expression flashing over her face.

“You said ‘yes and no’ when Robin asked…”

“Oh, that!” Twilight tossed a hoof into the air and smirked. “Okay. Hold out your pastry buns,” Twilight said, sticking her head back into the cooler. Graham and Robin pushed their sock and hot dog combinations to the side and grasped their buns. The white fluffy pastries both had large openings on one side for filling. They smelled great, all fresh and sugary.

“These fluffy things with the big empty cavity inside that we’re holding, they’re the, ah,” Robin muttered. He stopped, knowing that he had answered his own question already.

“Now, you’ll see what happens when it’s a human female crossing the planetary boundary.” Twilight pushed her head deeper into the cooler, and she clutched two huge things at the bottom, being extra careful with her teeth. The men watched as she shifted over with two long black logs in her mouth.

“What the?” Graham murmured. Robin tapped his hands against his temples.

Twilight plopped the two logs onto the table and took a big breath. She started to pull the thick plastic wrappings off of them. “Why, silly, just smell them!” The teenagers leaned over and took a big whiff, drinking in the delicious chocolate scent.

“Oh, I was so stupid. Damn, those are some nice candy bars!” Robin remarked. “And they’re so huge!”

“Candy chocolate fillings,” Twilight clarified, and she pushed them with her muzzle over to both Graham and Robin. “Normally, these would be pre-softened considerably before Pinkie Pie or Mrs. Cake or anypony else would load them into the pastry. But that wouldn’t work for our metaphor, would it?”

“You really mean,” Robin began.

“Exactly.” Twilight stepped back. “Now, see if the parts fit between aliens. Give those fluffy pastries their tasty fillings.” She decided not to hold back anymore, and she held her hooves up to her chin as she giggled.

Robin paused for a moment, thinking about how pretty Twilight looked when she laughed. She seemed too robotic-like and detached most of the time to him, although he knew she had to feel totally sick of accommodating and assimilating alien immigrants. Robin put all that out of his mind as he pushed open the end of his pastry bun with his fingers before trying to slide his thick rod of chocolate inside.

He squinted as he tried to line things up. Nudging the chocolate downwards, he did his best to work it slowly. Still, the tip could hardly even fit into the bun. He wiped some sweat from his brow before trying again, this time pushing down hard.

Robin let out a low moan as the pastry ripped to pieces in his hands. He stood up straight, looking on at the tattered remnants of his flaky bread. Graham tilted his chocolate rod to the side and tried to wedge it into his pastry bun at an angle. A huge hole burst out the side. Before Graham had time to react, he had accidentally shoved the filling piece to the other side. His bun also remained in ruins.

“Twilight,” Robin groaned, burying his face in his hands.

“The, ah, parts don’t fit,” Graham remarked, getting up from his place and walking over to the bookcase across from his seat. Robin watched him for a moment, feeling confused at Graham’s wiggling moves with each step and his shivering hands. Robin turned over and just stared at the remains of his pastry.

“Right,” Twilight said, sliding up to the seat besides Robin and leaning over. “So, ah, this is a large reason why alien sensual connections tend to involve human males. That, of course, is also related to the fact that most human immigrants are male while Equestria is such a female-dominated society. Magic doesn’t work on humans or even near them, but some extraterrestrial relationships use various physical accoutrements sometimes when the natural parts have, ah, difficulties.”

“Just…” Robin muttered, lying his head face down upon the table. “I get it. Okay? All that relates to us is that things, from the ‘alien’ male side, work… or…” He mumbled something incoherent as he locked his hands upon the edge of the table.

“Robin,” Twilight said, “is something wrong? I don’t… I…”

“It’s okay,” Robin murmured, rubbing his face against the table. “It just all feels way too much. I feel like— to be honest— this all feels rather unsatisfying.”

“How so?” Twilight asked, reaching out with her hoof upon Robin’s back.

*Crash!*

One of the bookcases smashed upon the ground, books scattering everywhere with the wood cracking. Robin and Twilight shot upwards, Robin ripping of his sunglasses. They hesitated for a second as they saw Graham passed out upon the floor, his head and arms propped up against the wall where the bookcase had stood.

They sped over to Graham’s side, trying their best to make his sit up straight as hands and hooves went all over him. Graham had his eyes locked shut, his arms and legs shivering over and over again. Robin leaned up next to him and clutched his chest as Graham breathed faster and faster.

“What the hell is this?” Robin called out. “You were just fine a second ago! I— ah— can you hear me? What is it?” He put his hands over onto Graham’s shoulder.

Twilight hopped to the side, ready to run out to contact Nurse Redheart once again, before Graham let out a loud moan. “Chocolate,” Graham murmured, opening up his eyes once again. Robin and Twilight saw large, puffy sores going over Graham’s skin.

“Chocolate?” Robin repeated, trying to keep Graham sitting upwards in place. The sores seemed to turn from white to a bright pink, spreading all over. Robin shook his head. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m allergic to chocolate,” Graham muttered, standing upwards. He took a deep breath and held up his arms in a Frankenstein’s-monster-like pose. Twilight and Robin froze besides him as his breathing returned to normal. Yet the sores had formed something like a thick pink coat around Graham’s body, making him look like a puffy raspberry mutant of some kind.

“I asked you if you had any allergies or needed anything or…” Twilight whispered, although she immediately mentally kicked herself for being so insensitive.

“Allergic to chocolate?” Robin repeated as Graham lurched over towards him. “Oh, dear sweet God, what is this horrible witchcraft?” Robin almost bit his lip as Robin let Graham rub the other man’s puffy hand upon Robin’s shoulder.

“Yeah, but it was never that bad before. Just a wiggling of the nose, a little itching, and sniffles. Nothing keeping me from eating it before,” Graham replied, suddenly turning about and lurching over to Twilight with big, lumbering steps.

“Oh, praise Celestia,” Twilight remarked, suddenly realizing things. She bucked up on her hind legs. “Equestrian chocolate is far more strong and potent than anything on your planet. I’ll go get help.”

“No!” Graham yelled, tossing about in place. He made his way over to the middle of the conference room’s stage. “Really, I’m fine. Fine. Let’s go on.” He brushed up against a small brown box on the floor and tried to bend over.

“Graham!” Twilight exclaimed, trotting over behind him and leaning her head back. “This is no time for being silly! I’m getting Nurse Redheart right now!” She tried to put a friendly hoof on his back.

“No, seriously!” Graham screamed, spinning about in place for a second as he recoiled from her touch. “I’m fine and th—”

Graham tripped upon the brown box and crashed upon the tripod, letting out a huge groan. Twilight put a face on her hoof in embarrassment. Robin kept on saying nothing, just pressing his back upon the wall. Twilight checked to make sure that Graham felt mostly okay before looking back at Robin. He nodded. She made an appreciative nod back and turned tail, speeding out of the room.

“Don’t worry, Nurse Redheart will take care of everything,” Twilight remarked, heading right through the hallway outside. As she made it to the door and got far enough from the humans, she prepared to teleport herself over to give the news.

“You know what?” Robin said to Graham as the bloated, sore-covered teenager rolled to the side. “You more than brought this upon this yourself. On an alien planet with something you’re allergic to, and you don’t say a goddamn thing. And then you freaking rub it all over your freaking hands? Freaking seriously?”

Graham reached up with his pink-sore coated right arm and flipped Robin the bird.

“And then,” Robin whispered, finding himself the last human that had walked into Twilight’s library still standing, “there was one.”

To Be Continued…

Human Two Part B (Cody)

Twilight checked to make sure that the toaster over remained on before clutching Cody's iPod. She pressed down upon the clicker, having no luck. She bounced from menu to menu as she tried to get her hooves over the finger-sized buttons. "Oh, hold on, I can get it." Frustration flashed over her features. "Wait-- maybe--" She leaned over and bit against the side of the iPod. She wiggled her head around as the teenagers stared at her, and she blushed. Spitting it out, she politely asked, "Cody, please, can you start playing the 'shuffle songs' feature?"

He nodded and clicked the small center button. Twilight watched with sheer envy burning in her eyes at how Cody's human fingers just took less then two seconds what her hooves would take hours to manage. Cody scratched his cheek before taking a nervous breath. "You want me to turn on the new speaker, the built-in-thingy?" Twilight nodded. He brushed against some sliders at the bottom of the iPod. A slow electronic tap-tap-tap of a synthesizer started to flow through the room.

"You're not actually going to cook his thing, are you?" Robin asked.

"Oh, nothing like that," Twilight said, brushing her mane to get rid of her ragged expression. "But you're still in for an interesting surprise at a moment." She slid the still playing iPod into the toaster oven and shut the door. The music seemed to somehow get even louder, the whole oven used as some kind of amplifier and speaker combo. The teenagers looked on as the electronic dial keypad on the oven flashed rainbow colors, a fluffy of white sparks popping up underneath the whole thing.

"What the hell is going on here..." Graham muttered, stepping a little back.

"Well, in short terms," Twilight said, moving over behind the toaster oven. The white sparks turned bright purple, and stripes of magic-filled electricity shot up and down the sides of the oven. "You're seeing how the electro-magnetic field created by technology from your world functions in a rather interesting way. Your bodies sort of repel magic from your bio-electric fields. But your technology that you make-- your iPods, laptops, Android phones, and so on-- all work sort of the opposite way more like catalysts for collecting and then redirecting magitrons." The teenagers paid her words about half attention, otherwise focusing on the flashing purple aura bubbling underneath the oven. It looked like somepony had a rave right inside the machine.

"Wicked," Cody remarked, feeling totally transfixed.

"Oh, you haven't seen nothing yet," Twilight said, watching as the iPod turned around in the middle of the toaster oven. "Notice, oddly enough, that I haven't even turned the oven to 'start'. I merely left it on. It's magically charged already, meaning that any close or nearly close contact creates interactions between our magitrons and the subatomic residues spouting off from your iPod-- something spontaneously erupting."

"Look, put it in English please Miss Nye the Science Girl?" Robin asked with a bit of playful sarcasm.

Twilight began, "When I--"

"The song's ending," Cody interjected as the instrumental piece wound down. He waited with baited breath right in front of the toaster oven, the purple sparks bubbling around the sides gathering more faint in tune with the music, and his compatriots gathered around his back. Their faces mashed together.

"As soon as this baby starts playing something louder, faster, and more upbeat," Twilight remarked as she wiggled her mane over her shoulders and grinned, "you're gonna see some serious--"

"Jitterbug!" screamed out a familiar-sounding British voice from inside the oven.

"Oh, dear God, no! Not the 'jitterbug' song!" Graham called out, recoling from the group in horror as sweat poured into his thick glasses. "It's like water-boarding torture in song form!"

"Yes!" Cody yelled back, popping from side to side with the finger-snaps that he knew so well.

Robin slid backwards a few inches as the toaster device seemed to light up like a Christmas tree. Waves of sheer energy mixed with an alien-like low hum coursed around the kitchen counter. Cody, for his part, closed his eyes and simply shifted to the beat. He waved his arms in the air as he skidded to the right.

"You put the boom-boom into my heart! You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts!" sang the voice from inside the toaster oven. Cody kept on dancing with his eyes closed for a moment before spinning around and gazing at the oven. The energy seemed to coalesce into a thick purple coat of sparks around the oven, going all around its surface like a blanket and levitating it several inches into the air.

"Jitterbug into my brain," the song went on. The oven bounced up in down in the air, twirling up on the right side. Cody seemed to have flash after flash of pure joy burst over his face. Robin simply froze with his mouth wide open. Twilight clopped her front hooves in excitement, fluttering her eyes. "Goes a bang-bang-bang 'til my feet do the same!"

"Sweet merciful Jesus the oven is dancing!" Robin finally called out, folding his hands in each other and almost shivering.

"I told you!" Twilight hollered, moving in between Cody's legts as he danced along with the oven. The device hopped rightwards, and Cody leaped to the left. It shimmied in place, and Cody smacked the sides of his uniform. "Human technology catalyzes magical energy."

"Left me sleepin'," the voice in the oven sang on as it spun in the air, the oven's door slapping open and shut. "In my bed, ooh!" Twilight felt Cody gripping her left hoof, and she suddenly looked up. "I was dreaming, but I should have been with you instead!" A few small moves from left to right made things clear, and Twilight slid along the kitchen tiles, feeling more than happy to dance with Cody.

"Oh, God, it's spreading! It's freaking spreading!" Graham shrieked as he saw the same kind of purple aura around the toaster oven bubbling beneath the refrigerator. He fell down to the ground and kicked himself to the door. His eyes grew wide as dinner plates as he saw the refigerator's door bouncing open and shut to the bubbly synthpop tune as well. He shot his glance straight up, and the clock seemed to respond as well-- tapping against the wall behind it. "I'm getting the hell out of here!"

"The more emotionally involved the humans are with their technologies, the more they can seem to control it and amplify it's power," Twilight remarked, giggling, as Cody held her with both his hands on both her hooves. She looked around at the various items from the dishwasher to the refrigerator to the blender to the food processes and more skidding about in place. It all seemed like something out of a dream-- her purple magical aura drained from her own body and rocketed out to the whole room around her.

"Wake me up before you go-go!" sang Cody, spinning Twilight over.

"Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo!" sang Twilight back, pulling Cody across the floor.

"Wake me up before you go-go!" Cody sang again, this time watching as the the toaster oven flopped like a fish and rained bright white sparks out the top like a firework.

"I don't want to miss it-- when you hit that high," they both sang together, standing up straight with their hooves and hands both out in victory poses. "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

Cody broke from Twilight and kept on dancing in place. He got really into it, eyes shut tight as he slapped his hands rhythmically upon the counter. "Oooh, gosh, I'm surprised that Pinkie hasn't burst in here yet," Twilight remarked, panting hard. "This is like her favorite song ever. It single hoofedly made her fans of humans for life-- her greatest goal to make it to your place to meet 'the Jitterbug guys', her personal heroes." Cody seemed to melt into another zone, moving faster and faster with some kind of robotic-like energy.

Robin locked eyes with Twilight. "Something seems... wrong..."

"Ah, I think there's a bit too much emotion and a bit too much technological charging," Twilight softly muttered, walking over to Cody. Her happy face faded as she saw Cody jiggling around in place as if he had had a seizure. "Cody?" She shot a hoof into his spinning body. "Cody?"

"Oh, dear," Robin said, drawing Twilight's attention to the toaster oven. "It looks like it's ready for orbit." The toaster oven span around in place like a top with some kind of a purple vortex rippling over it.

"Oh, wow, there seems to be some kind of an audio feedback of some kind," Twilight said, stretching her hoof over to the oven's plug. Cody seemed to half collapse onto her back as she turned around and saw Robin ducking out into the door as well. She gently placed Cody down upon the floor and brushed his sweat-filled hair, the teenager panting loudly, as she saw the refrigerator seem to walk over from its spot on the wall and head towards them. "Feedback... this... is something new..."

"Feedback, doesn't that mean that-- ah--" Cody muttered as the bubbly synthpop song reached its ending climax. The refrigerator poised itself over besides the two of them, door opened wide open. Twilight kicked the toaster oven's plug away, but the device kept on spinning and hovered in the air several feet upwards. "Feedback usually ends in a 'pop'?"

*Boom!*

For a full minute, neither of them had any idea what had just happened. Finally, both Cody and Twilight sucked in huge gasps of air. They threw themselves over the piles of upturned cabinet drawers, cracked jars, bent silverware, and everything else while brushing their eyes frantically. Twilight scurried her body to the side, standing up atop the kitchen island. She slid her hooves from side to side in the thick coating of white flour and powered sugar all where she stood

"What... the... hay..." Twilight whispered. The walls of her kitchen seemed to have held up, but literally every appliance, cabinet, box of foodstuffs, and anything the least bit fragile had exploded into gooey and powdery brown mush. She drank in the damage, hoping that she'd get things repaired as soon as possible. She thanked goodness that Cody, standing behind her and breathing calmly, had made it out okay.

"Oh, God!" Cody screamed. Twilight facehoofed. She took a little breath.

Twilight spun around, and she skidded forwards to Cody's lap. Cody tried his best to wipe off his eyes, but ketchup dripped off from every last inch of his hands. The rest of the former contents of the refrigerator oozed along his body. Twilight stared at the pickles around his eyes and the layers of cold linguini coating his hair. Her eyes traveled down the slabs of sauce-covered hay fries stuck around his neck to the mustard caking his chest and belly to the lettuce sticking all around his legs. And she spotted yet another piece of food on him every other second.

"You need a... a bath..." Twilight sheepishly muttered, blushing. She looked across her clean-looking purple fur, realizing that Cody had shielded her from the confectionery explosions. She blushed even more.

"I need a day long shower and five goddamn weeks of therapy." Cody sniffed. "I can hardly feel my legs anyways. I think I had a concussion."

Twilight suddenly realized the full implications of the situation, her ears drooping down. "I'll get Nurse Redheart here right away!" Twilight called out.

"Oh, Christ," Cody moaned, his fingers going down his belt. "I have pickles down my underpants."

"No worries. I'm on it," Twilight remarked, hopping over the rubble over to the front door and picturing her set of scrolls at the end of the hallway in her minds eye. She knew she'd have Nurse Redheart there in a flash.

Cody then glared at Robin and Graham, both of them hunched besides the front door in the hallway right outside of the kitchen. The two teenagers ran their eyes up and down Cody's food-soaked body. Twilight rattled through an emergency scroll at the other end of the hallway yards away.

"Well, at least you can say 'hi' to Jack for us," Robin said finally, trying his best not to laugh.

Twilight, for her part, teleported herself right to Redheart's clinic herself rather than waste any more time. She felt bad enough losing one human. She only had two left for the rest of the assimilation process, and she didn't think she'd have any more luck moving forwards with these silly teenagers.

"I. Have. Pickles. In. My. Underpants," Cody yelled over to Graham and Robin, ketchup dripping from his teeth like blood.

"I think they have pills for that," Graham whispered, speaking so quietly that he couldn't even hear himself.

To Be Continued...