It was a beautiful day in Equestria. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the tank was clean… erm... and everypony was happy as they can be. Celestia awoke to Luna’s pillow smothering her face, and after a brief slap to the face, the sun rose. She even had breakfast, as well.
As she mindlessly scarfed down her breakfast, Luna trudged into her chambers, eagerly looking forward to a long rest for the day… and perhaps deal another secret battle with Tantabus 2.0. Though, nopony shall ever hear of that.
A few moments of messy breakfast-food murder later, and Celestia was ready to greet the day’s diplomats, as well as meet her new advisor, an elderly stallion who had been known throughout Canterlot for his skills in settling disputes. Internally, however, she knew that it was going to be quite a slow, and rather long, day.
Soon, once she was finished preparing, which included dying her mane with Sparkly Pastel #5, one of her guards barged into her throne room. And rather abruptly, at that.
She looked at him with bewilderment, the tube of dye still floating in her magic. It wasn’t very typical for her guards to simply enter without bowing, or even having common courtesy for the Princess. She could tell from his face that he had… seen things. His hooves were sweaty, his knees weak, his legs were heavy. He was shaken up, quite possibly from his mom’s spaghetti. Or not.
"Your majesty,” he began, bowing his head for a brief moment, “I… I have something very important to say to you, about a threat directed at Equestria. Our guards and even our best scientists have been finding the same anomaly for the past hour. May I have permission to speak about this matter?” --He briefly glanced about the room-- “It's urgent, your highness." He whispered. Celestia nodded, half-mindedly tossing the dye tube into an obscure corner of the room.
"We have detected massive objects, heading towards Equestria at this very moment.” the guard began, “We don't know what they are exactly, but we need to find out soon. Especially so if these objects or beings, whichever they are, intend to harm Equestria."
Celestia’s ears perked at the mention of possible harm to the nation. Not Equestria She had thought, That’s where my cake is supplied from!
She then promptly realized that she was living in Equestria, but nevertheless, danger was danger.
"Order an evacuation,” she said calmly, “Relocate the ponies nearest to the threat, and we’ll find out what the objects are."
The stallion nodded, and left the room, presumably to notify the rest of the guards, the mare hoped.
She paced back and forth, her mind balancing the pros and cons of directly facing this supposed threat firsthoof. In the meantime, Equestria began multiple evacuations within the range of threat, with cities such as Vanhoover, as well as multiple other northern cities, quickly filing out on emergency trains.
Celestia needed to know what these objects were, not to mention where they came from. She waited impatiently for additional word from the guard. As she watched from her balcony, she began to speculate if it was a monster, for that would likely be the most common threat to Equestria. She didn't have time, nor did she currently have the will, to send a letter to Twilight, as her current predicament left her overseeing the welfare of Equestria, even if it was threatened by nothing more than false alarms. A brief knock on her door broke her train of thought.
"Your highness!” Burst the same guard from earlier, “We know what the objects are....but you probably will think I'm crazy... but believe me, what I'm telling you is true!"
Celestia eyed the guard. “Crazy, you say?”
The stallion nodded. “We have no idea where they had come from, but it's very strange." He said with a shaky breath. She motioned for him to go on, but he just shook his head.
“Well?” Celestia asked, “Isn’t there more?”
"You won't believe me if I tell you. It's unbelievable what we have saw out there... Even I couldn't believe it, even when I saw it heading towards us myself."
“AND???"
“...But you won't believe it, so I believe I should refrain from speaking of it. I fear for my plot in the dungeons."
"I wouldn’t believe you?” Celestia replied, “You’re a trusted, trained, disciplined guard. Your entire entryinto the guard revolved around discipline. Just go ahead and spit it out. I'm listening."
The guard looked at her and stuttered as he tried to struggled to continue.
"The objects… they... they’re donuts, Princess…” He began to make his way towards the door. “I know, I know. Three months in the crazyhouse, starting immediately…”
“Besides,” he continued as he trudged out, “You’re probably sure that I’m crazy by now, but it’s true… I think."
Celestia blinked in confusion.
“Donuts.” she said slowly. "These supposed threats are...donuts.”
The Princess facehoofed. “Eheheheh…” she began to chuckle, “Hee hee… heh…”
Abruptly, she grabbed the stallion in her magic, dragging him back into the room, albeit gently, for a Princess must always be proper. Sometimes. (Maybe not.)
“Is this some sort of joke?” she growled, her demeanor quickly shifting. “This is Equestria’s buckin’ national security we speak of."
"It--It's true! See for yourself!!!" The guard stammered, wriggling from Celestia’s grasp.
Celestia shrugged, relaxing as she stepped towards a nearby closet that was conveniently placed nearby for obviously plot-related purposes unknown to the characters until now.
“Very well then,” the mare continued, pulling a telescope from the convenient closet of conveniency. “I shall indeed see for myself.”
~~~{A few moments later…}~~~
“Mother. Of. Me.” Celestia began as she slowly stepped away from the telescope.
She turned towards the guard, who was currently in fetal position, lying in the corner of the room, and softly whispering to himself, “I’m not crazy… I’m not crazy…”
“You’re not crazy, Mister--”
The Princess was unfortunately cut off from her near-stereotypical “You’re so-and-so, Mister So-and-so” monologue by a low rumble, followed by a very noticeable shaking of the floor. Rushing through the door, she found herself surrounded by guards, who were attempting to usher her into the also conveniently placed “Generic Bunker for Even More Generic Disasters”.
“OUT OF MY WAY!” She yelled in annoyance, leaping over the living barrier. She proceeded to jump through an open window, much to the dismay of the window-cleaner, and began her brief journey towards Ponyville. Because of course Ponyville happens to be the site of disaster, even if the first signs of said disaster showed up waaaaaay up north. ‘Cause that place is a disaster-magnet.
~~~{Ponyville}~~~
They were bigger than any donut she had ever seen... nay, bigger than any cake she’d ever seen. The sheer beauty of such a massive pastry mesmerized her. She stood, in stunned silence, before the largest donut of them all.
"Oh for the love of sweet chocolaty goodness, he was right..." She moaned to herself in delight, “This looks better than any cake I’ve ever eaten!”
She turned back towards the assembling ponies and exasperated guards, who had barely caught up to her in their air-chariots. “Evacuate Ponyville.” She said slyly, I shall feast upon thine enemies on this day...”
“Princess!” Twilight exclaimed as she ran towards the elder mare, “What the buck is going on?! I was just doing my daily book reshelving, when a giant donut of all things, broke through my wall, and checked out a copy of “Equestrians And How To Defeat Them”.
Celestia stopped her former student with a wing. “It’s alright,” she said in a frighteningly stern voice, “I’ve got this.”
“But Princess!”
“Watch after the others!” Celestia called back as she took flight once more, “I’ll be back!”
The donuts tore through Ponyville at a frighteningly quick pace as Celestia inspected her options mid-flight. She could either dive headfirst into the donuts and eat them all, but as they appeared to be the product of some sort of enchantment, she decided not to risk it.
At the same time, guards scrambled to evacuate Ponyville, pleading for many parents of overjoyed foals to board the stationed train as quickly as possible. The donuts flattened everything in their path, from trees, to carts, to shops, to even poor Derpy’s mailbox. Pinkie Pie didn't know what to think about the whole fiasco, but the sight of the donuts made her feel extremely hungry, so she bit one. Naturally, it screamed in pain, leaving the surprised mare to bound away.
Celestia began to notice somewhat of a hierarchy to the donuts’ abilities. Certain donuts, the ones with sprinkles, seemed to be able to fling the aforementioned sprinkles off of themselves as projectiles, shredding through weak structures like a hooffull of gravel thrown at a greenhouse. Others, such as the chocolate and vanilla filled donuts, spurted out gobs of surprisingly acidic frosting onto anything they could aim at, reducing all but the most hardened of buildings to slowly melt into puddles of sweetened rubble. Ponies screamed as they watched from the sidelines, both from the madness, and the fact that their houses were just eaten by donuts.
Soon enough, the guards managed to evacuate most of Ponyville, leaving only the craziest of the crazy behind for the Special Forces to airlift.
The donuts were defeated shortly afterwards by Celestia. How? No, they weren’t eaten. Rather, Celestia utilized a personal favorite of hers--
Let’s just say that craters aren’t the only holes on the moon now.
Celestia observed the damage as she flew overhead, the citizens safe and protected in various nearby campgrounds. Out of curiosity, Celestia had Twilight test some crumbs in attempt to figure out the origin of the donuts, and perhaps the motives behind their attack. They never found out. Though, Twilight had mentioned that there was a single hint: A small microchip, with the name, “Joe”, embedded within the circuitry.
To this day, the Rampage of the Pastries is still, by far, one of the strangest events to ever happen to Equestria, past, present, and likely for generations beyond. Nopony would ever forget the fear and terror of watching donuts eat all that they’d worked for, even if many of the colts and fillies found the even incredibly amusing. Once the rubble was cleared out, reconstruction only took a matter of days, with Celestia simply blasting the place with a so-called “Control-Z” spell, and Twilight “friendshipping the heck the whole thing”, as the mare had put it.
Celestia swallowed the donut she had been chewing the entire time.
Luna snorted, and flipped her pillow, before once again returning to a peaceful sleep, oblivious to the fact that the day had lasted two-and-a-half times longer than usual.
Why?
Because that’s how long it takes to chew a stale robot bagel butt.
