The Adventures of Jetpack Commando Lyra
Jetpack Commando Lyra Saves Woonbase-12
THE ADVENTURES OF JETPACK COMMANDO LYRA AND HER FAITHFUL MARESERVANT DERPY
The brave and also beautiful JETPACK COMMANDO Lyra sits in her chair, fiddling with buttons and levers. She’s onboard her sleek rocket ship, the Bonbon X–5000. It’s red, because everypony knows red makes things go fast-fast. Flames shoot from its one engine, and it has a bunch of missiles and lasers and stuff.
Also Derpy’s on–board too, flying the ship. Jetpack Commando Lyra doesn’t waste time learning how to fly. The only thing she wastes is bad guys.
Right now Lyra’s sipping her favourite drink, Dr Poneper. SPACE-Dr Poneper that is. It’s like normal Dr Poneper but fizzier because of zero gravity.
‘Space-pilot Doo! What’s our course?’
‘Same as the last time you asked, Jetpack Commando. Second star to the right.’
‘That’s Jetpack Commander when we’re aboard the Bonbon X–5000, Space-pilot.’
‘I keep forgetting, Jetpack Commander.’
Suddenly the PLANET AHEAD light start flashing. At least, Lyra thinks that’s the PLANET AHEAD light. It could just be the IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM JETPACK COMMAND light.
On the super high-tech video screen, the face of Space Admiral Colgate appears. ‘Jetpack Commander Lyra!’
‘Speaking,’ Lyra says through her mouthful of Space-Dr Poneper. ‘Got a mission for us, Space Admiral.’
‘The most important mission of all. The Changelings have invaded Woonbase-12!’
‘Woonbase-12? But that’s the best woonbase of them all!’
‘Indeed. These Changelings are led by their beautiful but deadly Queen Chrysalis, the seductress of a thousand worlds!’
‘Good thing Jetpack Commander Lyra has no place in her life for love!’
‘Go to the moon, Jetpack Commander! It’s the only moon we have, and we’d like to keep it free of evil aliens.’
With that, the black-and-white display screen returns to snow. Lyra turns to Space-Pilot Derpy. ‘To Woonbase-12!’
Space-Pilot Derpy nods, pulling back on the throttle. The roar of the engine increases, and the stars begin to speed past the windows. Ahead of them, a prismatic shifting mass appeared, slowly getting larger.
‘A cosmic storm, Jetpack Commander!’
‘Billions of blistering barnacles!’ Lyra swears, putting her saltiest of words to good use. ‘Can we go around it?’
‘It’s too late, sir! We’ll have to pass straight through it to reach the moon.’
Lyra nods, her mouth set in a grim line. ‘Turn the wipers on, Space-Pilot.’
Derpy presses a button. The windshield wipers turn on.
‘And to think,’ the Jetpack Commander grouses, ‘I just washed this.’
The Bonbon X–5000 enters the cosmic storm, buckling under the pressures of cosmic rain. As they go deeper into the storm, they start getting pelted with cosmic hail too. The intrepid space-soldiers avoid the great bolts of cosmic lightning.
In all her days of space-adventuring, Lyra has never seen a cosmic storm this bad. Or a cosmic storm this short. In only a few minutes they pass through the cosmic storm, on their way to the moon again.
Lyra is very space-sick, so she retreats to the little mare’s room to throw up. She totally doesn’t tell this to Derpy and Derpy pretends not to hear.
Soon though, Derpy calls out her commander’s name and Lyra stumbles back to the front. Outside the porthole, the moon rises to greet them. Lyra barks out an order to land, and sits back down and straps herself in.
Of course they land perfectly. Derpy didn’t become the greatest space-pilot in the Galactic Equestrian Republic by being a bad pilot.
Once the rocket ship touches down, Lyra and Derpy lower the ladder and hop out of the Bonbon X–5000, because who needs ladders anyway? They’re not wearing helmets because everypony knows moondust is just as good as oxygen. But it’s still really cold out, so they both have on shiny silver thermal jumpsuits. Lyra’s fits perfectly and shows off her coltish figure because she’s the friggin Jetpack Commando, but Derpy’s is baggy because she can’t upstage the heroine.
Lyra straps on her jetpack and takes her raygun out. ‘Space-pilot Derpy, be on the watch for Changelings disguised as moon rocks. They’re crafty.’
Derpy aims her raygun at a boulder. ‘Is that one?’
‘No that’s a regular boulder.’
‘What about that one?’
‘Still normal moon rock.’
Just then a Changeling pops out from behind a rock, snarling. He zaps out some green lasers from his horn, but Lyra jetpacks out of the way. She takes careful aim with her raygun and blasts the Changeling.
She nods at her own awesomeness and touches down, switching off her jetpack. She and Derpy continue on to the dome of Woonbase-12. Fortunately, they avoid any more encounters with Changelings.
Soon they’re at the airlock of Woonbase-12. They huddle behind some conveniently located rocks and peek out to survey the situation. Queen Chrysalis is standing by the airlock, a Changeling Royal Guard next to her. The Guard is giving her brushies with a pink hairbrush with a heart on it.
‘We can take them,’ Lyra says, running out.
‘Wait, don’t you think–’ Derpy begins. Then she sighs and runs after her commander.
‘Haha,’ Lyra shouts, pulling out her raygun and aiming it at Chrysalis. ‘We’ve trapped you, foul seductress!’
‘Oh, please,’ says Chrysalis with a flip of her mane. Her mane pokes the Guard in the eye, and he rubs it. ‘The Queen of all Changelings is most certainly not foul! And it is we who have trapped you!’
‘Impossible! I have the gun.’
With a sudden rumble and explosion of moondust, a gleaming silver form erupts from beneath the surface. A robot clanks forward, a rainbow-coloured plate on its head. ‘ORGANIC LIFE IS A MISTAKE THIS UNIT WILL CORRECT.’
‘Behold, the Rainbot Dash! Based on the greatest of Equestrian heroes, and also your doom!’ Chrysalis cackles evilly. The Rainbot Dash joins her in its staccato voice.
Lyra rasies her raygun and shoots the Rainbot Dash in the face. Its face explodes, screaming as it dies. ‘ORGANIC LIFE IS POSSIBLY BETTER THAN THIS UNIT EXPECTED.’
‘That isn’t fair!’ Chrysalis shouts, stomping her foot. ‘You have to have a big fight with her!’
‘It is too fair! She totally had a chance to rush me!’
‘You’re totally cheating!’
Derpy and the Guard roll their eyes.
‘There’s no cheating! This isn’t even a game!’
Just then a Moonbeast jumps out of the ground, a purple and blue fur monstrosity. It roars something that sounds like ‘I’VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU TWO’, but that’s crazy because Moonbeasts can’t talk. They just can’t.
“The intrepid Lyra decides to cut her losses, running for her ship. Derpy joins her.” Lyra squirted BonBon in the face before galloping off, Derpy hot in pursuit.
BonBon stood there, trembling with anger, one eye twitching. Her usually perfectly coiffed mane was wet and hanging over one eye.
Scootaloo cracked one eye open to see what had happened. “Can I stop playing dead?” she whispered.
“Yeah,” Sweetie Belle said, itching at her cardboard crown. “We’d better scram before Ms BonBon really gets mad.”
And so, Queen Chrysalis is defeated once more, and Jetpack Commando Lyra and her faithful mareservant, Derpy have saved the universe. Again.
