Anon Saves Equestria, er...

by Lack of Tact

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Nightmare Moon
Length: 9701

Galaxy Hair really wants to take over the whole day/night shtick, and y'know, just make it night for like, ever. Problem is, Anon wants to sleep, but forever is a long time so, yeah. He's gonna try and do something about that. Key word, 'try'.

An accidental magnum opus. Blame peer pressure.

Now with an equally shitty sequel, er...
... make that two shitty sequels!

. . . . .

You're Anon, the sole human of Equestria. You've been living there for, er... you can't really recall. A year, two maybe? Anyway, every year, from what you've gathered, there is one day. One goddamn day that really pisses you off. The 'Summer Sun Celebration' comes around every (your time) August 16th, and it is literally the longest day of the year.

You would have no problems with this—if only it didn't start at four in the fucking morning.

This year just seems to be extra against you; an evil deity that's been banished to the moon for a thousand-so years decides to come back, and boy is she a bitch.

Try sleeping through that, asshole.

. . . . .

Proofreaders/Editors:
Level Dasher - Proofreader/Editor - Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 7, 8
Muffinlover - Proofreader - Chapters: 2

As I've explained to LD, the rating bump from Teen to Mature wasn't exactly my call. A staff member kindly notified me of the rules regarding swearing in the long description of a Teen rated fic. There is no sex, no gore, just pure stupidity without the restraints of a T holding it back.

:twilightsmile: Enjoy! :twilightsmile:

Published 2017-05-25 18:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-27 17:24:04 UTC

... to death...

It is the sound of screaming, the constant terrorized shouts and yelps of the many horses of Ponyland that wakes you up… Wait, what the fuck? Shouldn't they be singing about pants and friendship or some shit? And why the fuck is your bed so soft? And warm? And—Oh dear God, it's alive! This is by the far the worst alarm to have ever woken you up—not including the one where Pink ADD horse stuffed you in her mane of infinite holding. I mean, you're on a fucking horse. What kind of naughty things did you do in your sleep, you sick bastard?! We said no horse poon!

"Ah, We see Our loyal subject hath awoken," your bed says to you, making you realize you’d need to wake up if you want to give a fuck. Which you don’t. You ignore her and hazily pull up your wrist to check the time.

Your bladder itches.

"You're fucking kidding…” you trail off into a yawn, the horse below you chuckling at your human phrasing. You blink away the crusts forming at the bottom of your eyes to look around; you're in a castle. In the middle of fucking nowhere. You don't appreciate being dragged out to random places, no sir. Not after that time when the Pink—nope, nevermind. Don’t need to relive that one. "The hell are we?" you question your bed as she cranes her head back to look at you.

"We, strange creature, are home—The Castle of the Two Sisters. The Sun and Moon would rise here to greet our faces every morn and eve. It is here where we shall rule together!"

You said—and lemme quote this for you—"Wouldn't want any of that horse poon." You, you said this yesterday. Now you are absolutely positive that didn't change overnight. Even if you did possibly do the nasty with her in your sleep, no way in Hell are you doing it consciously! Tell 'er this ain't gonna work. "Where's the bathroom?" you ask instead, the need for using a toilet—or at this point, even a bush—overtaking the want to tell her to fuck off. Oh Goddammit.

Her eyes, filled with all of the wisdom of the old world, only glow at the innocence of your question. You really have to take a piss; could she please just hurry up? "Of course. Being one with the moon for so long, one forgets such trivial matters… The lavatory is just down beyond the atrium, my little creature." Right, you definitely don't ever want to be called that again. The giant horse lowers herself to the ground, and you slowly slide off of her back, holding onto her neck for support as you reach the floor, then she calmly sits upon what you assume to be her throne.

"Yeah, I'll uh, I'll be right back." You don't even bother to look at her as you say this, the distant screams back in Ponyville disturbing you greatly. Wonder what happened back there? A simple question, but for some reason you feel as if it was partially your fault. Not like you exactly care or anything, just food for thought.

“Of course; return soon, my little creature! Thy flesh has given Us warmth for many an hour. Return, so that We may cuddle thee!” Your mind commits suicide as this interaction leaves ‘weird’ territory, to downright ‘fucking what.’ You scamper across the large room, passing by a large stone object holding spherical rocks on tree-like limbs. You don't notice these, of course, you just want to get the hell out of dodge before things get any worse.

That, and you seriously have to use the restroom. You piss a lot, you know that?

Leaving the atrium, you enter into a hallway, long and dim with barely lit candles. All of this, just for the bathroom? Is it really worth it? Why don't you, y'know, just fucking leave already? God, we all know you don't need another Mint Face incident with Galaxy Hair back there. Having one horse fondle you in your sleep is enough, thank you. You give a sigh, for once realizing your brain is right and you’re just plain stupid. Instead of entering what you assume is the bathroom, you make a straight line to the largest doors you've ever seen. That has to be the entrance, oh dear god let it be the entrance.

With a loud grunt, your run turning into a forceful push against the large doors, you glance behind you. The horse isn't in sight, luckily enough. Maybe she thinks you're in the bathroom right now, who knows? You don't, and you damn well don't care. With one final push, the wooden entrance finally opening and revealing the outside world to you, you find yourself awestruck. Just… not at the view.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well, whoever said that first can go fuck themselves, ‘cause you can't see shit. Yeah yeah, you realize this could be your fault, and you know you should probably do something, but you can't lie to yourself. Admit it, that was still the best fucking nap you've ever had. Anyway, when… er… Galaxy Hair said something about the Sun and Moon looking at her, or something along those lines, you definitely thought that you'd at least be able to see. Nope, bitch took out the stars, and now you can't see jack-squat 'cause nothing's reflecting off of the fucking moon. You're positive that's not how things work here, but you don't care, you can't fucking see.

Granted, you don't have the best vision anyway, but now it just feels like you're blind. Which isn't actually a cool feeling, by the way. You would consider it being okay if, y'know, you were born without sight already, but goddamn. This is just stupid. Wait, you’re getting off track again; you need to find a way to convince Galaxy Hair to see the error of her ways and make it daylight again. Looking down at your watch, it still reads seven something in the morning. Perfect.

What better way to convince somehorsey to do something than make them pancakes?

You’ve just gotta find your way home in this godforsaken darkness first.

Author's Note

01010111 01101000 01111001

"What the fuck is this?"
Pain.

... with pancakes...

It is the smell of burning, the constant gag and reflexive dry heave that makes you question why you love pancakes so much. The damn things in front of you don't even look edible, yet you know it's better than what these horses do to theirs… Stupid equines and their flower fetishes. Blinking away traumatizing thoughts, you turn back to the task at hand; you flip the last of the black, ashen pancakes onto the miniature tower with ~~regret~~ glee. That giant horse in the castle thing will absolutely have to turn it back to day once she tastes these babies!

Or, you know, kill you and put you outta your misery. Either works. Regardless, you begin to whistle a tune from your Earth days while you begin your trek. Removing the oven-safety glove from your hand, you throw it lazily onto the counter as you briefly pass by, then pick up the crispy pancakes and make it out through the door.

And into the darkness.

Again.

How did you even manage to forget about that? Whatever, you can't stop by distracting yourself with ridiculous chatter. You have a quest to fulfill, and that quest is buttered up and ready to turn in—

Your stomach churns slightly.

—and you turn back because you also managed to forget you needed to use the bathroom. What were you thinking? Oh hey, I’mma waltz up to that horse, piss myself, and give her pancakes! Because that would totally work.

You're a fucking idiot.

Your face scrunches up a little, your brows furrowing along with it, and you blow a raspberry. "Oh screw you, brain, at least I remembered to take a piss. That's supposed to be your job."

I would roll my eyes at your response, but partially you're right, and partially I don't have eyes to roll. So, continue on.

-----

After you hear the successful flush of the toilet, you go downstairs and repeat everything you just did. Pancakes included. All for the sake of trying to forget you had a conversation with your brain.

With a tune to whistle in mind, a path to do your trekking, and pancakes in your hand, you have absolute faith that this plan will work. "Just gotta… find… the path… again." Bringing your free hand up to rub your temples, you sigh out in annoyance. "Sonovabitch." You knew it sounded too easy in your head. Just had to get your hopes up.

You glance around your current area, trying to see anything familiar that you passed along the way here, yet your search is fruitless. It's too damn dark. Speaking of which, how did you even find your home? Or did you just break into someone's else's? Meh, if they knew I was trying to save the world, I'm sure they wouldn't mind if I did. Well, that is if you broke into their home. You could be wrong. Who honestly knows at this—is that a light?

Looking ahead of you, your eyes squinting, you barely make out six figures heading away from town. Hey! Maybe they know the way to Galaxy Hair's castle. That would surely make your quest go along quicker if they did. Balancing the stack of pancakes in your right hand, you make your way over to the six small horses.

Thank someone up above for that light of theirs. Maybe one of them's a unicorn? Or maybe they finally invented the flashlight. Oh, that would be good. I can finally search for that thing that growls in my basement. You're getting off track, you can worry about that later. Right now, you need to focus on saving the world.

Or dooming it, but you can worry about that later, too. Instantly drawing their attention, you shout over to them, "Hey, you guys know how to get to that castle? The, er…” You trail off, snapping your fingers. You had it in your head a second ago. "Ah, the Castle of the Two Scissors!" Weird name, but it's Ponyland, can't judge it, you say to yourself. Either way, it still draws the strangers over.

Totally not in a menacing way.

"Anon? S'that you? How'd y'all escape Nightmare Moon's evil hooves?!" Oh, holy shit. Applehat's still alive. You shake your head, the bet with Pronka being another thing you need to worry about later.

"Uh, yeah! Who else is with you?" Getting even nearer to the group, you slowly begin to realize, without a verbal answer, who the others are.

Firefly, that new horse sent by Princess Sunburn. "We got ourselves Twilight…”

Pronka, that super special horse. The one you owe a bit to. "Pinkie Pie…”

Crayola, super speedy horse. Not much special about her, except the fact she likes to brag. "Rainbow Dash…”

Flutterbutter, horse whisperer horse. "Fluttershy…”

And… uh… what's her name? The white one? "…and Rarity! That's the six of us, Anon. How about y’all? You bringin' anypony else along? Ah reckon we could use all the help we could get."

What'd she say? Shit... You spaced out trying to think of the white horse's name. "Uh… just me. Anyway! So you guys know how to get to the castle or what? I got a proposition for the super tall horse." As soon as the fellowship of horses gathers in front of you, they stare blankly.

"Not Sunburn. Um…” They continue to stare. "Has like, really cool hair?" More staring. "I don't want to say it…” Continuous staring. "…The black one." A single blink.

"Ohh!"

Racists. The lot of them.

"You mean Nightmare Moon, correct?" Firefly responds, a book in her magical grasp flipping open towards you. A picture of the same horse that probably touched you in your sleep resides in its pages. Receiving a nod, she continues. "Yes, well. We're actually on our way to stop her now… despite my wanting to go alone. What's this about a proposition?" Pulling the book back to her side, she tilts her head in a questioning manner. It's official, she is best horse. Fucking adorable.

"Yes." You really need to stay out of your head; you get distracted so easily. Seriously, what did she say? She purses her lips for a moment.

"Oookay, well now. We've got somepony on some kind of adrenaline-esque drug, a hick who can't pronounce my name right, a condescending braggart, somepony who can't even say hi, a fashion freak who keeps talking about dresses, and now a hairless monkey who can't properly speak. Look at this team, we're going to do great." She brings her hoof up to her face as she sighs. "Should've joined the Royal Guard with my brother."

"She's so positive we can do this! Yay!" Flutterbutter speaks up, entirely ignoring the huge list of insults that came with their names. Everyone ignores her.

You blink, hearing a whisper in your ear, but whatever. "So, what was your plan? I was just going to offer her pancakes." You try to hide the decently sized platter of charred remains, but alas, you can't do much without making it look obvious. Luckily enough, however, the group ignores your grand idea.

"Well, Twilight here says we need to find the Elements of Harmony. We can use them to defeat Nightmare Moon and save Equestria from nighttime." Crayola smashes her hoof into her other, waiting hoof. She must be filled with determination or something.

"Your idea sounds stupid, let's try mine first." It was your plan to save Ponyland first anyway, so of course you should be the one to start.

"Oh, yeah. Let's ignore the logical plan and go with something so asinine, it must surely work. Bucking moron," Firefly mutters to herself, unaware of your average human hearing. Too bad you have no idea what asinine means. Be sure to ask her later. "Fine, but when that ultimately fails, we have the right to go through with my plan, got it?" Faith is radiating from her. Or is that annoyance? Can't tell the difference either way.

"Yeah, let's go save Horseplanet!" Way to make yourself sound like a dumbass. It's Ponyland, get it right.

-----

It was a long journey, too long to recapture fully in your mind, but holy shit were you awesome. You saved Firefly from falling off of a cliff, though granted it was only a three-foot drop; punched a manticore in the neck, releasing the tension Flutterbutter said it had; stood idly by as the horses were afraid of trees for some reason, minus Pronka, who laughed like a maniac—bitch had her own song to go with it; rested your pancake arm while the white horse talked with a giant water horse; and lastly, pushed Crayola from a cliff because she was being a bitch, but the gang thought it was to repair the bridge. Sure.

Pretty fucking awesome, but in the end, you and the group finally made it to the Castle of the Wood Blisters.

"Two Sisters," Firefly corrects with a huff from your side. To be honest, you could do without the little autocorrect she apparently has built in her, but whatever. Your quest is coming to a close, and with pancakes in hand, you know exactly how things are going to go down. Kind of.

"Yeah, whatever. Castle of the Twin Fisters. Got it." Using your other hand to wave her retort away, you take the first step through the large wooden entrance, the familiar sight sending unwelcome chills up your spine. The kind of imminent rapey chills up your spine.

Thank whoever's upstairs that you have five friends and the white horse to help you out if things go south. "Alright gang, let's split up. She could be anywhere in this castle, and I can't afford to lose my own life." Your old childhood references really need to stop coming up at the most inopportune times. No one here is going to understand you or them anyway, so why even bother? "Let's search for clues."

…Or fucking ignore me, fine.

As soon as you step through the door, warning alarms begin to flare in your head. There, exactly where you left her, was the big wig herself, napping peacefully. "Hey, uhm, you…” you say, entirely forgetting her name, your eyes squinting angrily in her direction. She doesn't acknowledge you, making you realize you said her name more quietly than you thought. Coughing into your fist, you try again. "Galaxy Hair!" Still nothing. Just go up to her, seriously. You’ve got those six other horses behind your back, don't you?

Oh yeah.

You continue forward until you consider yourself a reasonable distance away from the super tall horse. Like, right in her bubble of personal space. "Psst, hey. I made you pancakes. Could you like, I don't know, make it day now?" And you pussy out last second by whispering in her direction. Regardless, you spoke, and your words stir her slightly. A single eye eases open to look at you lazily for only a second before it widens.

"Thou hast returned to Us!" She stands up from her throne almost immediately, astonishment gracing her horse features. Approaching you, her horn lights up and grabs you by the neck of your shirt, dragging you towards her now open hooves. "May the cuddling commence once more!"

How hasn't she seen those other horses yet? I'm—wait, what'd she just say? No. No, no, no. Nope, fuck this horse. I mean don’t. Let the cuddling un-commence. How about not, you practically scream inside of your head, and before you are fully in her embrace, you pull up the platter of pancakes. Sadly enough, however, no words leave your mouth. "Uh..." Oh great, you're panicking. You came here with a plan, and you're panicking. How the fuck were you able to do this the first time around? Oh wait, duh.

You carelessly toss the glass plate aside, shattering it on the ground, and meekly grab at her horn. The tugging you felt around your neck ceases as the light around Galaxy Hair's horn shimmers and sputters before dying out entirely. Kind of like your spirit, but that's beside the point. You smack your lips, preparing your speech of victory and—holy shit your breath is rank! How did you just now notice this? Of all the things you forgot to do at home, you forgot to brush your teeth? Ew, that's fucking nasty. You feel your face contort in disgust. "Jeez, that's awful," you mumble, unaware that everyone around is looking at you strangely.

"W-why art thou betraying us? We were promised pure and utter dominance of the day! Surely you are not a stallion of betraying his word?" You are literally ignoring everything she is saying; your breath is bad. Like, when was the last time you brushed? Two days ago? Yesterday? Shit, you really can't remember. Honestly, it makes you gag.

"Hold on a sec. I'm tryna think here." You hold up a finger to silence her, but that only serves to increase her line of ranting.

"Unhoof Us at once! We implore, we implore!" No, it wasn't yesterday. You were too distracted by the news of someone new coming to town. "W-what? Who are those others you have brought with you?" Two days ago doesn't seem right either. You explicitly remember crying all day that day. When the fuck did you last brush? "No. No! What art thou doing?! Cease thy actions at once! Stay thy armament!" On that matter, did you buy a new toothbrush since the house fire? Oh my God. It's been months?! You've been eating burnt pancakes, other unhealthy meals, and God knows what for three months, and you haven't brushed once. Why?! You are disgusted with yourself.

You blink. Weren't you doing something?

"Any last words, traitorous scum?" Firefly's voice draws your attention, the question actually reminding you of one you had yourself.

"Well, two questions, really. What does asinine mean? And where can I buy toothbrushes?" Everyone just looks at you with quirked eyebrows, even Galaxy Hair from below your hand grasping at her horn.

"I was talking to Nightmare moon..."

"Oh! Then continue." You purse your lips as you look over to the group of six, each now adorned with weird jewelry around their necks. Save for Firefly, who wore a really ugly crown. Honestly, one of the worst you've ever seen.

While you're mentally berating Firefly's fashion sense, Galaxy Hair's eyes are moving frantically between each of her captors. Obviously she didn't expect her day to go like this. Escape from the moon after the one thousandth year, have a hairless monkey grab your horn then ask to sleep with you and cuddle, take over the world in a single night, and then have the same monkey from before grabbing your horn once more, making you all but powerless? Strange day indeed. "Please, let Us go! Thou hast already defeated Us! Do not take away Our dignity as well!"

You open your mouth to respond, but Firefly beats you to the punch. "Too bad. I've had a helluva day, and I really don't care. Took these five imbeciles for me to realize what the Elements were. Turns out I did need them after all." You could feel the roll of her eyes. "Regardless, you took the Princess, and for that crime alone, you have to be put down." Wait, how's she gonna do that with you holding Galaxy Hair's horn? She gonna fry you, too? Welp, you've had a good run. Maybe you'll wake up at home and this'll all just have been a really shitty dream.

Not that working the graveyard shift at a mall's any better, but still.

You could barely make out a gulp from Galaxy Hair before the six behind you start to glow and levitate. The air surrounding them grows heavy, almost nauseatingly so, and you notice each jewel piece shining brighter every second. What the fuck is happening? Crayola's colors are seemingly shared with the others as everything begins to whiten and—pop. Oddly enough, you don't feel that impressed anymore. "Huh, popped their ULT too early. Rookie mista—"

PFOOOM! An amalgamation of colors flies up into the night sky, brightening the world around it. The giant rainbow laser thing continues straight up, far beyond your average human vision can see—partly because it was covered by clouds, but still. You make out a slight curve up above, and the prism-esque laser begins descending towards Galaxy Hair and you. The former looks more and more afraid as it grows nearer. You can only purse your lips as a simple, "Huh, neat" leaves your mouth.

And suddenly, once more, everything goes white. For like, five seconds.

Author's Note

Please kill me.

Fuck, figured I'd post it before I go shopping.

... and dies in the end...

What feels like a year and then some passes by—in all actuality, it was only five seconds—and the blinding gayser beam diminishes finally. You'd expect to feel something different with all of this build-up, but you feel exactly the same as you had mere minutes ago. Your hand still wrapped around the dark omnihorse's horn, you blink away the spots dotting your vision and see... a not-so-dark omnihorse. Your ears ringing and you no longer feeling threatened—this horse turned into a midget for some reason, and we all know they're not at all scary—you let go of its rod and take a few steps back.

"What in the holy fuck just happened." You state, raising the palms of your hands as you look at them. Nothing. Nothing feels different; was it supposed to do that? I mean, it affected the living shit outta the now-midge-omnihorse, but you? Jack and shit, and Jack left town apparently. Your gaze turns up from your grabbers towards to the sextet that probably just tried killing you. "No, seriously. The shit just happened?" A shared awkward look is aimed at you, for like, a second before they look towards who you assumed to be Galaxy Hair. Cool, you're not important enough for them to care about your well being. You purse your lips. Well, fuck you too, guys.

Firefly flashes her horn and the crown of pure ugly-ass disappears somewhere, as do the necklaces the other five friends had sported. Trotting up, the wiki-says-mulberry-but-is-actually-lavender-or-something horse speaks with an aura of command. "Nightmare Moon, your reign of terror over Equestria ends now!" Her shout reverberates around the entirety of the castle, the aged rock and cement groan under the weight of her words. Also because they're old as fuck and old as fuck buildings do that.

Let's just say it was Firefly's voice because dramatic reasons.

The quivering form of the once-villain takes a few steps back from both you and Firefly, her eyes glancing between both of your forms. "I-I... I am so sorry..." Her voice is quiet, much unlike the seriously annoying other-her. So, yeah, props to that, you figure. Less of a headache. "I n-never intended to hurt anyp-anyone." She murmurs, her eyes brimming with tears, lingering on you for a second longer than your comrade-in-arms.

Hey, you did just as much as these six, you deserve that much. "Of course you didn't. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been trapped on the moon for a millennia, right?" Firefly's tone is laced with something sickeningly sweet. Like, sweet as fuck. She completely 180's as her cutesy face morphs into a glare and a snort escapes her nostrils. "Oh wait, that's exactly what happened." She rolls her eyes, looking over her shoulder to her four friends plus that white horse. "Can't believe it took these idiots to help me stop you." She huffs out quietly, shaking her head with a ghost of a smile.

By ghost of a smile, I mean her smile died like, two days after she was born. It's come back to haunt her.

You would take offence, but she was very clearly referring to those five standing idly by at the entrance. Still. As in they haven't fucking moved since they fired their beam of rainbows and artists' dreams. Applehat said something along the lines of being the elements of fart shit, but nothing else happened. You don't fuckin' know, you're like, a good twenty feet away. Can't exactly make the best judgement calls right now.

You smack your lips, looking down at the foodstuffs you'd brought along with you. "I just can't believe my pancakes saved our asses." You let out without thought and you hear a groan from Firefly. Probably in agreement, so yeah, you saved the day, Anon. Good job.

You lower yourself, turning your head back towards the midget and prepare to offer more words of wisdom. "So, you know where Galaxy Hair went? She owes me a buck forty for those 'cakes." Your question is abruptly ignored, however. A blinding light showers the interior of the castle—a golden shower per-se—causing you to clench your eyes shut; you grimace. Blackness, minus that red shit you see behind your lids whenever you're looking at a light, fills your vision and you struggle to reopen them.

"Ah, dearest sister. We see that your arrival was a success?" A new voice enters into the mix, one you're somewhat-but-not-really familiar with. Is it that fuckin' teacher? You swore you'd pay her back next Tuesday; it is way too early for a mafia call. The light before your closed eyes dissipates entirely and you slowly open them. The entire inside of the castle is filled with the light of day. The outside world is filled with the light of day. The—fuck it. Everything was filled with the light of day.

Before you, in all of her magical and white as fuck glory, stands Princess Cadence.

Her seriously fucking pointy tiara gleams with the sun shining in its fold. Directly into your eyes. You blanch and move a foot to the left. "Well, fuck you, too." You mutter out, raising a hand to shy away from the glimmering royal-wear.

"Princess Celes-er... your majesty!" Firefly's eyes widen and she lowers herself into a bow. A bow? Bow? Shit. You had to have failed English class, didn't you? Whatever.

Princess Cadence and her pastel as fucking fuck hair moves softly—it always moves softly, it just moved even softlyer this time—as she chuckles. "Ah, Twilight Sparkle. My ever faithful student. Please, let me have a moment with my darling sister." As she says this a second time, just like the first, no one is fucking surprised. I mean, there's a goddamned book on this shit, the fact she has a sister I mean.

Gasp, sister?! What a fuckin' sham, I swear.

"O-of course, your majesty. An-anything for you!" Some-fucking-how, she bows/bows deeper into the floor. Any more and you swear she'd just phase right through the thing. Probably can, too. What with her unihorse powers and all. What happened to 'take-shit-from-no-one Firefly'? You liked her more than 'totally-a-bitch Firefly'. You raise yourself from your sitting on heals stance—you goddamn slav—and take several steps towards the omnihorse duo.

A harsh whispering stops you in your tracks. "Stop!" Glancing over your shoulder, you see Firefly glaring up at you from the ground. The dusty ass ground. Ew. "The Princess asked for a moment to with her sis-"

"Yeah, don't care." You flip her off and continue walking. Eventually, you stand right next to the hugging two. You'd hate to break this moment apart—you really wouldn't—and you cough ~~politely~~ loudly to grab their attention. Luckily enough, that works out for you! "So, yeh, seeing as how I saved the world and all, I need like, a few hundred bucks to pay off a debt that you seriously fuckin' reminded me of."

Princess Cadence and Midgemoon stare at you questioningly before you feel a grip on your leg. You look down and notice a purple aura encasing it, which is strange, because, usually, their aura shit can't touch this. You decide to ignore it and go back to talking. "Just send the money when you can, cool? Cool." You finger gun the duo as Cadence gives you a deadpan stare. Kinda reminiscent of Princess Sunburn when you first met her. Wonder how she's doing?

Your leg is suddenly jerked backwards and you nearly fall on your face, barely catching yourself with your hands. "Oof!" You let out, feeling the aura around your pant leg pull at you. You look behind you and see a struggling Firefly, horn freshly alit, pulling at you with her unihorse powers. Shit, is that what the beam did? Remove the one thing you had against these fucking horses? Humanity and its will to crush dreams and magic?

Shit, are you going to be singing songs about random shit, like, flushing the toilet now, too?! Goddammit, Firefly! Why couldn't you have waited 'till after you were done distracting Galaxy Hair?! Both Cadence and Midgemoon share a chuckle, though Midgemoon's eyes seem less mirthful and more sorrowful. Not like you could really tell, though. You're more frustrated with Firefly at the moment to bother caring. Or noticing in general. "Lemme go, you fuckin' lavender piece'a shit, these two need to pay me, stat!" Not heeding your words, you're still forced next to the mare in question as she glares up at you.

"I don't give a hoot or a damn what they 'owe', you didn't do any of the work! If anything, they should pay me! And, you entirely ignored Princess Celestia's command! That alone should have you tried for treason against the crown." Wait, these princesses are actually royalty? You shake your head, no time for that now. You're about to open your mouth, but the purple aura, once gripping your leg, clamps tightly over your mouth. She continues to speak as yet another huff escapes her. "But because we haven't had a single act of treason in the last millenia, I swear to Celestia," her voice lowers with a sigh, her eyelids lowering, "if you try any of your shit again, I will cut you instead."

Yeah, definitely favorite horse. Even though she's a cunt, she's at least consistent with it.

...

...

...

So, what now? Do you just sit there and wait for this hug-fest to be over between the two sisters? Do you wait for Firefly to give you the all-clear? What?

Well, whatever. After this shit's over with, you're moving out. Fuck these horses—'cept Firefly—and fuck this town. Ungrateful sonsabitches, the lot of them. You save the day and this is the thanks you get? Basically tied down with Firefly but not in the married way but you've-become-a-total-bitch way?

Well, screw you too, Horseville. Try asking for your help the next time something like this happens! They'll miss you then, that's for damn sure.

Motherfucker... you could've been sleeping in today, but noooo. This was a fuckin' crepe-y day.

Author's Note

(AKA: The not half-assed, actual, legitimate ending)

Story time; I remember when I started writing this story. It was the first chapter, y'know? As everyone finished it, this somehow blew up and I was wondering fuckin' why? It wasn't obvious to me until various comments suggested they couldn't wait for me to continue.

I was seriously fucking confused at this point. So, I scrolled back up and spotted, in all of its orange ugly beauty, the 'Incomplete' tag.

I realized I done fucked up. Y'see, originally, this story was supposed to be a one-shot, but, me being me, too prideful to admit my mistakes, I decided to continue anyway and turned what was once a decent one-shot into a really annoying shit-fic. So, cool. Congrats me.

Motherfucker...

So yeah, I'm just now swallowing my pride and admitting that this was my fuck up. An unintentional, good/bad story. Because seriously, guys. If I'd've known this would've blown up when and how it did, I seriously would've kept it a one-shot.

I don't do so good under pressure.

Also, I lied, I did half-ass it.

You've been kekked.

Peace, fuckers.

I'll go over this shit later maybe. I don't fuckin' know, I'm twenty feet away from this thing already.

... by breaking Twilight's heart... (Epilogue 1/2)

Author's Note

A two-parter epilogue no one expected—no, not even me.

This chapter came from a friend of mine! Through Discord, this bitch sent me the entire outline/script for the epilogue. Outside of what I know of this shit:

Be Tact, know next to nothing about greentext

I think I did a good job bringing it to life! In other words, I fucked everything up, but still.

Whatever. Sumbitch said he wanted to remain anonymous, but fuck that, here's our chatlog and his username, go thank him for this trash heap: Sonnie's Edgy Personality#7131(Warning, the end of the chatlog does contain spoilers for the next chapter, kinda-ish)

I'd say his account here, but he doesn't have one. Fuckin' nerd.

yet another empty promise of i'll fix it when i can. kind of being a staple for me now, innit?
also, never understood his username choice. it a reference to something? 'cause i don't get it lmfao

... by breaking Twilight's heart... (Epilogue 1/2)

It is the sound of cheering, the constant yippering and yappering of many horses that pulls you from your thoughts. Today was moving day and, for some reason, these fucking horses decided to throw a party. You believe it could be someone's birthday, but you don't really give a fuck if you're honest. Either way, it's kind of rude of them, what with you sending yourself off and, well, you alone. Eh, sort of.

At least Firefly is with you, murmuring to herself under her breath. Pretty annoying, but more than half of whatever these fucking horses do is annoying, so you ignore it. Besides, Firefly's like, the least annoying horse there is in Ponyland. The more irksome ponies' celebration soon etches out of earshot as the two of you trek your ways to the station.

She continues to murmur, so fuck ignoring it. It's super annoying. "Yo, Star Ass, what's grinding your gears?" She scoffs at your 100% accurate guess of her name and sighs outwardly.

"Nothing, ape. Well, nothing your mollusc-sized brain can comprehend, at least." The fuck's a mollusc? Must be pretty big if she's comparing it to your brain. Probably. Who the fuck knows honestly. But wait, was that a not-insult from her? You heart stops for, like, all of two seconds. That doesn't seem all too healthy, but I'm not a doctor and neither are you. You grin widely down at her as she grimaces at your stare. Aw, a compliment, that's the first nice thing anyone's ever said to me! You nearly squeal in delight but tempt her to continue speaking instead. She raises the side of her mouth in a snarl at your hand motion and shakes her head. "But primates can try, however."

Adjusting her pack of infinite holding, which is carrying your stuff 'cause you're a lazy bastard, she stares at the road ahead, ignoring the passersby and the buildings at your sides. Fine, if she isn't going to talk, it's time to ruminate on some important shi—oh, she's talking. Probably about nothing important. "It's just that I don't understand how Princess Luna, Bucking Celestia for that matter, can thank you of all ponies! It's exasperating as Hell. You did nothing, you didn't find or wield any of the Elements needed to stop her, you didn't... you were... you were all but useless! And they thanked you!" She let out a gasp as she takes a breath inward, glaring at the road before you both. Wonder what all of that was about? Ah, well, doesn't matter.

I wonder if Midgemoon's gonna pay me back one of these days? You contemplate to yourself. I gave her pancakes, I let her take over the world, I save her from Niggmare Moon. Shit, she's got a debt built up! You smile; maybe she'll reward you with a giant statue of your dick so you can tell everyone that comes near your to-be-home's lawn to virtually fuck off. That'd be a laugh!

... ooor would you get sued for technical public indecency? Hell do you know, horse law differs from 'Murica law. "Hey, Firefly, is it legal to have a dick in your grass?" You turn to look at her, but it seems she's stopped walking beside you a few ~~hundred~~ feet ago. You look back and there she is, animatedly yelling what you think are commendations for your bravery. I mean, you can't hear any of it, but she's shouting something, so.

Deaf bastard.

After a few minutes pass, Twilight comes back up to you, red in the face and a dizzy look seems to have befallen her. Maybe... maybe she fell in love with your heroism? If that's the case, you have to remind yourself to turn her down later before it becomes something much worse. Couldn't lead her on, right? Not only because she's best horse, but also because you don't swing that way. You're vagina sexual, not horn-up-ass sexual. It just wouldn't work between you two. Besides, anyone ever tell you, "don't fuck a stan?" True shit, that. Regardless of how she feels and how you don't, you give her a pat on the top of her head.

A growl escapes her. Must be more nervous about it than you thought? Ah, well, since that's the case, you pull your hand back to your side and continue walking. "You were saying, Firefly?" Maybe if she admits it now, you can turn her down much quicker.

"Noth. Ing." Nuh thing? Holy shit, it's worse than you thought. You stop in your tracks, inadvertently stopping her as well, and grab her by the horse shoulders. Turning her to face you, an etched frown on her face, you get down on one knee and sigh.

"I'm sorry." You start and Firefly's expression goes blank, a problem has been detected and Windowsill has been shut down to prevent damage to herself. She looks so confused, but you see her eyes widen; an inkling of an idea pops in her head.

"You-wha... you are?" Her mouth opens and closes several times before a small grin takes place on her muzzle. You smile down at her. "Ah... thanks, ape... that, erm. That means a lot, coming from the source of the issue and... and whatnot. Thank you." She whispers out, turning her head away from you. You give her another gentle pat on her head and she giggles under your hand.

Hole. E. Shit. That was so much easier than you thought it was gonna be! Good job, you! You're fucking bomb at letting people down. Should make this a day job for you or something. Have these horses pay bank just to get talked at. You'd become a rich motherless fucker. You smack your lips together and look up, away from Firefly. It looks like you guys are at the station finally. This trip felt so long to you, but in all actuality, it took just under a thousand words to get to this sentence. You heave a sigh and pat Firefly on the head once more before standing up. "Well, Firefly. Nice knowing ya. I'll catch ya later, probably never, so." The now quiet horse nods and levitates your pack of in-all-actuality-very-limited holding into your waiting hand. You heft it over a shoulder and grin at her, "fuck you, space cowhorse."

Firefly lets out a chuckle, having bonded with your nonsensical ass some way, somehow. "Fuck you too, stupid monkey." Cute. She's using your tongue. In a not-at-all sexual way.

Fuck you for assuming that, weirdo.

You send her a nod and start packing off towards the train, all the while spaghetti spilling out of your pack. You're not going to miss this town, but her?

Her, you might.

To Be Continued...?
Well, duh, no shit. I've still got to write part 2 for this bitch.

... and riding off into the sunset to metaphorically die. The End... (Epilogue 2/2)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

... Anon dooms Equestria...

Author's Note

The more I write, the more I wonder:

What the fuck am I on.

Minor edits? Oh hell no, LD fixed the fuck outta chapter 1! Thanks, man!

... Anon dooms Equestria...

It is the sound of cheering, the constant yippering and yappering of many horses that wakes you up. The glare you'd sent earlier should’ve warned them to be quiet tonight, but noooooo, you are one unlucky sonovabitch. The noise going on right now? This isn't the noise that’s supposed to wake you up. No, the Summer Sun Celebration, which begins at four in the goddamn morning, is what’s supposed to be your alarm.

Instead? It's the new girl's welcoming party. Firefly Windowsill, or something like that. She came into town, waltzing in here like some sorta godsend. She literally came in by flying carriage. Who the hell does that? Not normal horses, that's for sure—wait, you're distracting yourself. Noise, remember?

They started partying at, you think ten-ish, but you're not entirely sure. What you do know is, it's still going on.

"Three in the fucking morning, you gotta be kidding me," you grumble to yourself. The pillow you had taped to your skull for noise-cancellation—which obviously failed—is promptly ripped off and thrown haphazardly to the side. These horses won't let you sleep, so you might as well stay up. Applehat'll kill you if you're late again, so, bringing a hand up to your face to wipe away the gathered eye-crusts, you drag yourself out of bed…

…and realize you’ve gotta piss. Could this morning get any worse?

Stretching and popping your spine in several locations, blinking away the blur in your eyes, you finally make your way to the bathroom. Luckily—or unluckily, as you'll have to do this later—you don't have pre-morning pecker problems to take care of, so you swiftly toss open your larger-than-horse-sized bathroom door and stride to the toilet; it is there, mid-stream, that you sigh in content.

Probably the only place you sigh in content anymore, too.

You are a sad, sad person.

Flushing, zipping, and trudging slowly to the kitchen to make an early breakfast, you glance out your window. Strobe lights, visible thumps from some subwoofers, and ponies cheering—this party had it all. Honestly, you feel kind of bad since your own welcome party was just that pink horse and you. Sorry, would feel kind of bad. You don't really care since you'd rather have been sleeping at the time, but still, it's the thought that counts.

Ignoring the probably emotionally damaging past, you finally land your ass in the kitchen, in which you will prepare a meal fit for the Gods! Er... actually, Goddess here, but still. Pancakes, your specialty; if you had a cutie mark, yours would be a steaming pile of ~~shit~~ pancakes.

You expertly mix up some batter with eggs—for some reason an acceptable foodstuff among these vegetarian horses—and a shit ton of other stuff you know pancakes need to be, well, pancakes. The thumping from the literal treehouse across the street from you is beginning to cause your own head to dip to the beat as you throw the skillet on the stove-top.

That is unhealthy, you realize, and stop immediately. Right now, you are not fun Anon. Fun Anon is an Anon that has actually slept. For now, it's tired-and-likely-going-to-cause-a-house-fire-as-he-cooks-because-he's-so-tired Anon.

That is also unhealthy, but you want pancakes, dammit!

You eventually drown out the still-raving party—your pancakes done and surprisingly not ash—and finally sit at your table for two. Well, in this case, it’s only a table for one since you don't have anyone else to sit with, so… yeah.

Again, you are a sad, sad person.

As you're chewing your pancakes, the lack of syrup and butter leaving an antagonizing taste in your mouth, you notice the music slowly beginning to die down. Along with it, the chittering of the mass of ponies gathered there quiets as well. Finally, you can't help but think to yourself with a roll of your eyes. Yeah, these ponies like to party, but you don't bring it into the bright-ass hours of the day.

At least not back on Earth... Eh, then again, you wouldn't know—never went to one. Wasn’t invited, nor asked... nor wanted. Shit, you really have to stop thinking about this—you're making me feel sad for you. And I'm your fucking brain.

You stop chewing for a moment to ignore me, pulling up your wrist to look at your rather dainty watch. "Twee-fordy niwne?" you question aloud, which is disgusting, but also intriguing. What kind of party ends at such a strange time? You’d get three-fifty, but a minute or a couple before? Odd, but the good news is that after you finish these pancakes, you can finally get some rest.

You can't help but think you're forgetting something, but it's what you do anyway. You toss your dish into the sink for future you's problem and make your way back to your room. It is with an elevated sigh as you toss yourself over your sheets, and begin to slowly drift back off to sleep—

—only to wake up ten minutes later. It's 4am.

"MOTHER FUCKER!"

---

Here comes the talking again; you can hear it all the way from your place. Then again, this is what you get for deciding to live between both the Library and Town Hall. You really should expect shit like this to happen to you, even though the Library is supposed to be a place of silence. Regardless, you're awake. Again.

Your baggy eyes threaten to close on you more than once as you now begin making your way to Town Hall. You don't care about these horses' stupid traditions, you don't care that you didn't realize the Summer Sun Celebration was still a thing, you don't care that your life is a miserable mess. You are going to walk in there, up to the loudest sonovabitch—hopefully that pink one that threw you a shit party—and smack ‘em in the muzzle, then go back home and fucking sleep. Fuck your job at Sweet Apple Acres, you can get a new one. Probably. Not the best of plans, but it's pretty solid. Ten out of ten for originality.

The good news is, you can hear the loudest one right now.

"Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this mom—"

You barge in through Town Hall's doors, interrupting the taller-than-average horse; the entire room is now looking in your direction. Good. With their attention all on you, you strike a sudden pose reminiscent of your childhood hero, Phoenix Wright. "Sweet Baby Jesús, I'm tryna sleep!”

You do as you said—walk down the aisle, passing all of the slack-jawed bystanders, and up to the balcony where the taller-than-average horse is standing. Her slit eyes glare down at your shorter stature. You don't care; she's the one shouting, and you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do. Within moments, the two of you are face to muzzle, muzzle to face, and she hasn't continued preaching about whatever she was preaching, which is also good.

"And who, art thou?" Her gaze turns to a scrutinizing one, which you return full force before reeling your hand back and—

*SMACK!*

Any noise being made silences immediately; even the wavy, black galaxy hair of the loud horse has stopped flowing. Huh, neat. Who would’ve known? A slap can silence even whatever physics this world has.

The tall winged and horned horse's eyes widen in shock at the contact, but only for a second, before she glowers down at you. "H-how darest thou striketh Us! We will not stand idly—" Aaaaand she's back to shouting again. Which you ignore, by the way. Goddammit, can't these fucking horses take a hint? You need sleep, and you're going to get it one way or another.

You barely notice her horn beginning to flare up, which by itself isn't very problematic. You know of a neat, yet dastardly trick that you could use. You did it to that white horse—you know, the one you could never remember the name of, you did it to her once. By accident of course, when she tried to outfit you in more... feminine attire.

You raise your hand quickly, gripping the base of the tall horse's horn. The magical residue-like aura simmers before dying immediately, which of course, shocks the living shit out of her. "Not tonight, horsey. A guy needs his sleep, and you're interfering with that." You’re pretty sure you can't even hear yourself here.

Obviously, she attempts to pull her horn free, spouting curses under her breath, but she fails to notice you've got a stronger grip than she does neck. Apparently. "Unhoof Our horn, filthy beast!

"Promise to shut up so I can go back to bed?" You try a little louder this time.

She suddenly stops, and her eyes take on an inquisitive look, as do all the other horses’ in the room. "Prithee, thou shalt truly unhoof me? For only the price of silence?" Her voice lowers, nowhere near as loud as it was, which you are extremely grateful for. Kinda. As she asks for the price of, y'know, you letting her horn go, you think up a new idea.

"Actually, change of plans..." You mumble just loud enough that the horse's ears twitch. Honestly, you just don't want to give yourself a migraine by talking so loudly, kinda like when you first barged in here. Anyway, with your grip still attached tightly to her long and pointy magic rod, her eyes beckon you to tell her your new demands.

"Prithee, We implore thee! Anything thou mayest desire, and We shall abide! Remove thy… hooves? …from Our horn and—"

"I want to sleep with you."

And again, silence reigns within Town Hall. The currently unnamed horse's face reddens only a tinge. You blink—once, twice, three times.

"Nonono! Sorry! What I meant was, let me sleep on you. To be honest, you look more comfortable than my bed," you say a little sheepishly, using your free hand to scratch at the back of your neck with a chuckle. To be honest, though, she doesn't look like she’s meant to fit the tiniest of horses. Unlike my goddamn bed. Fucker said it was the biggest they had, ha! My ass!

"..." Her.

"..." You.

"..." Her.

"Er... yeah, again, sorry. No offense—wouldn't want any of that horse poon. Not my thing, y'know? No, I'd definitely rather sleep on you than with you." You realize you’ve dug yourself a hole, but you can't help but keep digging it. The mare's head rears back in a hearty chuckle, almost forcefully removing your hand from her horn. Almost.

"Thy wishes are silence and to slumber upon Us? Granted! Granted!" Her joy is immense, and it brings a smile to your face. I mean, even though you kind of forced her to give these two 'wishes' to you, it's still cool that you did that. Wow, you're an asshole.

Anyway, she lowers herself onto her knees, allowing you to easily climb up onto her back. Which, of course, you do. And you were not wrong—she is the most comfortable fucking thing ever. It’s like going from sleeping on jagged stones to your ex-wife's couch. It is that much better than your bed.

"We pray thou art comfortable?" she asks, bringing you back to reality. All you can do is nod, giving her a scratch behind the ears and reddening her face once again. Before you attempt to lie down, you glance around the rest of the room once more, realizing literally everyone there is still just staring, afraid, waiting for something to happen.

Honestly, it's not your problem; you’ve finally found the perfect place to sleep for the next two hours. You give a mental shrug, thumbing up at the unnamed mare, who gives you a confused stare, before finally leaning your head forward. Your eyes close as you let out a content sigh, as for the first time in a long time—one whole day—slumber finally embraces you.

---

You didn't realize that within the next two hours, the world's most silent domination would take place.

But hey, the good news is, you didn't have any night-mares.

False Ending ("Jesus fuck dad, you're bad at telling stories.")

The brightness settings lower as you blink away the strained feeling in your eyes, before you finally look around. The sun is shining, the castle doesn't look so dreary anymore, and you're holding onto the horn of a really small horse. Wait, did that rainbow laser thing even hit you? Looking down, the only difference is that your plain white t-shirt is now tie-dyed, making you feel like a hippie. A dirty hippie who doesn't brush his teeth.

Apparently magic here still doesn't affect you the way some would hope. Looking back up to the six who tried killing you, you notice a severe lack of frustration at their failed attempt and a more surprised look. "Uh. What're you guys looking at? Something on my face?" You release the strange horse's horn and bring the hand up to your face to feel around. I mean... nothing feels different… Wait, is that a zit?

"Sup." Goddammit. Sunburn's back, and she’s mocking you with your limited human dictionary.

Before any of the horses that surrounded you could make any form of further conversation, you groan and begin walking away. Flipping off the group behind you before you pass through the giant door, you stray back into your mind. You thought saving the day would offer you some form of reward, like a painless death or a fucking army under your belt, but no. You got a royal pain in the ass and you lost the last bit of pancakes you'd have for the month.

Losing the last bit of pancakes was your fault, though. You threw them on the ground like a dumbass. Why didn't you just grab her horn with your other hand? Did you just forget you had it? "Oh, shut up." Still, it's better than pissing yourself, I guess. "I said shut up!" Really makes me wonder where your priorities are. "I swear to fucking God, I will end you." That's considered suicide. "Oh, I'm considering it alright." Jesus, butter up, will you? “Shut up, dammit!”

Also False Ending ("Yeah? Well, you're adopted, you little shit.")

…and you wake up. On the moon.

Your eyes widen in realization; those sonsabitches launched you all the way up here all 'cause you were trying to be nice and decided not to let the world end. How rude. You cross your arms across your chest and look up to Ponyland planet, a loud harrumph leaving you as you pout angrily. Suddenly, a thought strikes your very being.

How are you able to breathe up here?

Oh wait, you’re not. Regretting your last harrumph, you begin to choke, and your vision blurs rapidly. You're pretty much dead at this point, you realize.

Please, just let this be a nightmare… moon. A tear of mirth floats away from your now dead form as you laugh out the last bit of oxygen you have left.

…Fuck.

Author's Note

Why're these so short? What the fuck else am I supposed to do :rainbowhuh: continue past canon?

This was supposed to be in the placeholder, but couldn't add it until I got home:

Well, this shitfest is over. All of you who disliked this were right to do so and all of you who liked it, shame on you but really, fucking love you guys regardless lmao

As for the endings? Yeh, I know they're crap; I'll probably end up writing the ending I was originally going to do :rainbowlaugh: