The Grand Hug Inquisitor of Equestria
I adjusted my sweater vest and prepared my clip board. Today was the day I visited Ponyville.
I rate hugs, you see. It's a lonely duty, but it must be done. I also happen to find it immensely satisfying.
I strode into town, seeing nopony. All the windows were shut and doors were locked. Even a small tumbleweed appeared to be avoiding me as I made my way down the center of the street. Clearly, word of my arrival had spread.
Most ponies can't bear the thought of being graded on something for which they haven't studied. But how other than a pop quiz am I to do my work? One does not prepare for hugs, nor should one be allowed to use performance enhancements. Hugs are spontaneous. Hugs are natural. Hugs are pure. Hugs shall be rated. The public deserves to know their hug performance.
I decided to start at the Friendship Rainbow Kingdom Castle. As the name implied, it was quite the landmark. It was also home to Princess Twilight Sparkle.
After knocking on the door, I waited. Clawed feet approached reluctantly, knowing I was there, but too polite not to answer. A dragon opened the door.
"Hello," I said. "You must be Spike."
"Yeah," he mumbled. "Look, just get it over with."
I leaned forward and wrapped my forelegs around him. He put his claws on my shoulders.
The moment passed to my satisfaction. Spike felt me loosen my grip and we pulled back at the same time.
I picked up my clip board. "Earnest will, but short reach. Rough skin. Unpleasant mineral breath. Cute, though. I rate you six out of ten."
Spike exhaled. "Six."
"It's better than five."
"Yeah." He didn't meet my eyes. "I guess you'll want to hug Twilight next."
"I would like that very much."
Spike led me into the kitchen, where Princess Twilight was waiting, nervously sipping a hot beverage. She put it down as I came in. "I just made a fresh pot of lavender tea, Miss Embrace. Would you like some?"
"No thank you, Princess. You know why I'm here."
Princess Twilight sighed with inevitability and got up. "All right."
I met her mere steps from her chair. Just a quick hug. I lifted my rating sheet. "Introvert, though attentive. Doesn't know what to do with her wings. Poor hooficure feels rough on my neck. I rate you seven out of ten."
"Seven!" Twilight protested.
"You're still ahead of Princess Luna," I told her.
"I should at least be ahead of Cadance!" she insisted. "Is it because she gave you her after-sex special squeeze?"
"No." I flipped a few pages back on my clipboard to consult my notes on the subject. "In fact, I would have rated Cadance even higher if she was capable of giving platonic hugs. Being the Princess of Love does not automatically help one to achieve a high hug score."
"So is Princess Celestia still the best at giving hugs?" said Spike.
"Correct. I rated her at nine point five. She has long experience at hugging, and has taken my past suggestions to heart, earning an extra three-quarters of a point since the first time I ever rated her."
"Well, I'll do better next time," said Spike. "I'll start moisturizing my scales."
"I would actually suggest you work on your breath. Eating gems leaves a distinctive aroma."
He crossed his arms. "That isn't negotiable."
"Very well." I turned to go, but another pony stepped into the room just then. "Ah, Starlight Glimmer, was it?"
She stopped short, eyes wide. "The...the Grand Hug Inquisitor of Equestria!"
"That is correct." I spread my forelegs. "Come here."
Nopony can refuse a hug, for that would be impolite. Starlight came to me.
She held on for far too long, until it became awkward. That would count against her. I lifted my pen and made my notes. "Highly inexperienced. Uncomfortable with being touched. Constant threat of incredibly powerful magic horn pointed directly at my face. I rate you five out of ten."
"Well, there's plenty you can do to improve," Twilight consoled her. "We'll make a friendship lesson out of it."
Spike let me out of the castle and I set off to see to the rest of Ponyville. Everywhere I went, I hugged ponies. Some seemed to appreciate their rating. Some did not. Some seemed rather confused that anypony cared.
I am the Grand Hug Inquisitor of Equestria. I care.
Over at her shop, I encountered another Element of Harmony, Rarity. She, too, offered me tea, though I appreciated more how she called me dear when we hugged.
We let go and I made my notes. "Impeccable timing. Pleasant perfume. Reluctant to fully engage because of fear of smearing makeup. I rate you seven point five out of ten."
"Well, it's not all about hugging," she muttered.
"I beg to differ." I went on my way.
I paused for lunch at a bakery called Sugarcube Corner. Mrs. Cake became quite defensive about my comment regarding her husband's protruding jaw.
Pinkie Pie, however, was more than happy to hug. In her case, envelop might be a better turn of phrase.
"Balanced strength and dexterity. Warm. Sense of genuine happiness. Somewhat sticky. I rate you eight point five out of ten."
"Thanks!" she said.
"My pleasure."
When I left the bakery, I spotted Rainbow Dash peering at me from a perch on a cloud.
"Stay right there!" she called. "I'm not letting you get any closer!"
Unfortunately, I am the Grand Hug Inquisitor of Equestria. "You don't have a choice."
"Wanna bet?"
"I don't have to. You see, I hear what ponies say about me. I know you all consider what I do, rating your hugs, to be an unethical invasion of your personal space. But do you know what would be worse? Not having your hugs rated."
I held my forelegs wide, and waited.
Rainbow Dash grumbled. She muttered expletives under her breath. But she came down and hugged me. Just for an instant, though.
From the brief experience, however, I managed to learn all that I needed. "Bony. Careless. Prickly feathers. Attitude-"
"Heck yeah!"
"-a bad one."
"Hey!"
"I rate you three out of ten."
She blinked. "What? No! That can't be! I'm the most awesome pony in Equestria!"
"Perhaps you are. However, I only rate hugs."
I left her there and ventured out of town towards a small cottage. The only response to my knock was a faint squeak.
"Fluttershy, I know you're in there."
"No I'm not! Wait…darn."
As the Grand Hug Inquisitor of Equestria, I am capable of seeing though most ruses. Incidentally, Discord rated highly for lots of serpentine coverage but suffered from unorthodox methods, for a total rating of five out of ten.
Fluttershy's door opened and I was greeted by a white rabbit. Our contact lasted several seconds and was in fact still ongoing when I gave my rating. "Unfriendly. Faint odor of feces. Intentionally scratching my face. I rate you point five out of ten."
The rabbit fell away in shock and I turned to Fluttershy. Her lip quivered, only making her appear to need a hug even more. She managed to put on a brave face and hugged me, but braced for my rating.
"Reluctant. Not a social butterfly." Ironic given her cutie mark, but that was not what I rated. "Distracted by my facial bleeding. Kind, careful, and compassionate. I rate you eight point five out of ten."
"Is…is that good?" Fluttershy asked.
"It is an above average rating."
She looked awkward, as if that was not entirely what she had expected, but she wasn't entirely sure what to do with what she had gotten.
Rating given, I left Fluttershy's house and headed for the farm next door. Applejack, like many ponies, was not pleased to see me, but reluctantly met me halfway across the barnyard. I do appreciate when ponies cooperate, though as an impartial rater it does not affect their score in my book.
"Well?" said Applejack as we separated.
"Dirty. Hat blocked my sun. Rough around the edges, but an honest effort. I rate you seven point five out of ten."
Applejack nodded, unperturbed. "If you're looking for my brother, he's out back."
"Thank you." I rounded the barn, and found Big Macintosh bucking apples in the orchard. He looked up as I approached.
"I'm sure you know why I'm here," I said.
He nodded. "Eeyup." He stood still while I moved in. He didn't pull away until I was finished.
I consulted my clip board. "Quiet competence. Secure. Dependable. Pleasant on the eyes and nose. Muscular but gentle."
He waited for the verdict. I consulted my notebook. I swallowed. I looked up at Big Macintosh. "How about a kiss?"