No. I Have One.

by Applejack App

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Scootaloo, Random, Derpy Hooves
Length: 3576

Ponies from all over Ponyville wish to try to make Scootaloo happy, the least they can do for a homeless filly. One problem is that she isn't homeless...Awkward.

Why do ponies think I'm homeless?

Why do they think my parents are dead?

Why is this even a thing?

Oh well.

All of Ponyville can't be mistaken right?

Right?

Made Popular on 5/27/17.

Published 2017-05-27 07:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-02 00:36:14 UTC

I'm Pretty Sure You're Homeless.

What was Lyra even going on about?

Bipedal apes snatching me up and forcing me into a box?

I came to a slow trot down the road leading towards The Apple Family Farm. Yet suddenly could feel a force wrapping around my waist, yanking me up high off the ground.

“NO! NOT A BOX!” I screamed as the force let go and I hit the ground with a thud.

“What kind of box?” Pinkie Pie gazed down at me in confusion.

I sighed and slowly got back to my hooves, flashing the pink mare an odd gaze. Taking a quick second to shake the dust off my coat and make a soft growling sound.

“Oh! Sorry about slamming you too, was honestly trying to give you a hug!” Pinkie giggled sweetly and used her hoof to smooth out my mane.

“Did I look that upset?” I asked with a slight frown.

“Sort of. Thought I’d bounce over and see what’s bugging you.” The mare spoke in a very quick and bubbly tone.

“Well ponies think I’m homeless!” I pouted aloud and glared down to my hooves.

“Really?”

“What do you mean really!? Yes I have a family!” I snapped back to the confused mare.

“Sorry. It’s just I’ve never seen them.” Pinkie flashed a sheepish smile my way.

“What! I’m with them all the time!”

“Nope.”

“Remember that one time at Burger Barn? I was at the counter with a mare and you bounced up and asked me if I was going to try out…” I began to tell my story as I watched her eyes suddenly light up.

“Oh Yeah! Try The Double Cake Ice Cream Shake!” Pinkie squeed aloud happily.

“Yeah! Remember my mom!?” I smiled happily in return.

“No. Not really.” She spoke in a truly serious tone.

“Short mare! Wild and messy mane…”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Kind of looks like me.” I glared.

“I’m pretty sure you are homeless.” Pinkie just spat out.

“No I’m not!”

“You sure you weren’t like left alone at The Ponyville Home For Lost Ponies?” The mare asked in deep thought.

“We don’t even have that in Ponyville.” I replied in a stone faced manner.

“No! Didn’t your parents get shot in a alley after a ballet?”

“That’s Batmare’s origin…”

“Oh! Again you sure about not being homeless?”

“Pretty dang sure!”

“Home is for the weak?”

“What?” I asked confused.

“Never mind. Well you learn something new all the time! Doesn’t that make you happy?” Pinkie giggled bouncing off into the distance happily.

“NOT ME!” I yelled after her in anger.

What was wrong with ponies today!?

Best Joke Ever!

I came to a stop in the middle of a large meadow. My lungs were on fire from the long gallop, snapping my head back I made sure that a certain Apple Horse wasn’t on my tail.

“I should just go back to Ponyville!” I plopped down into the soft grass with a thud.

“I should just go…” I felt a two hooves wrap around my waist and tug, my eyes widened in fear as I was pulled high into the sky.

“HOME!” I screamed loudly seeing the world fade away below me, my eyes glancing up to see Dash holding me close with a smirk.

We pushed through the soft pillow like clouds in the sky, Dash giggling as she gently placed me down on the front step of her home. I sat there in silence doing my best to stop my heart from bursting through my ribcage.

“Sorry for the sneak attack kid! Just thought we could hang out today.” Dash trotted over to my side and rustled up my mane softly.

“It’s ok Dash. I’ve just had one hay of a day!” I flashed a weak smile to my big sister who opened the door to her home, a sly smirk upon her lips.

“I know of those days kid. But you know sometimes the worse days can end great!” She nudged my side as I smiled and nodded walking inside the house of clouds.

“Maybe you are right Dash, I can always…” I felt normal for a split second as it faded away swiftly.

What I saw inside was part of this never ending nightmare. A large red bow was tied to a new door I never saw before in this house, Dash quickly galloping over to it with a smile and swinging it open.

“Ta-da! Welcome to your new home!” She screamed out in excitement as I wanted to scream in horror.

I could see a whole new large add on to her home!

It was a huge room, not like my small one back home. With a large bed made of the softest clouds, a small Dashie plushie on the bed smiling happily. The walls had many posters of The Wonderbolts tacked on, even a large new dresser next to the bed had a signed photo of Dash herself on it.

I could see a huge closet slightly open near the side, within were lines and lines of brand new clothes and toys hidden away. My heart sank in my chest as I could see a huge balcony off to the corner, leading out to a breathtaking view of Equestria.

“What do you think Scoots? It took years of saving bits, but I’d like to ask if I may adopt…”

“I have a family.”

“You. Family-what-now?”

“I have a home Dash. A mom and a dad with a place to sleep and play, the whole combo.” I smacked my lips slowly, unsure really what to do.

“Oh! Phst I knew that!” Dash quickly flaunted her hoof towards me playfully.

“What?”

“Yeah! This is just a joke ha-ha!” Dash forced a laugh out of her muzzle.

“But this whole room…”

“Is fake! Pretty realistic though eh?” Dash flashed a small wink my way and trotted over to the closet and shut it quickly.

“But that bed alone Dash looks as if it costed a fortune!”

“It would seem so, but no it’s just a fake that can be disassembled and reassembled easily!” Dash laughed aloud and placed both hooves under the bed, yanking with all her might before snapping it completely in half.

“The posters and dresser?”

“Props! Scootaloo simply props! If it were real I wouldn’t do this!” She quickly lifted the small dresser and flung it against the wall hard.

The wall shattering in pieces as the dresser fell out of view, down to the world below. Dash smiling brightly while she quickly started tearing down the posters from the wall, the door to the room opening up as Derpy holding a cake fluttered in.

“I have a “Welcome Home.” cake delivery for Ms.Dash?” Derpy asked in a soft tone flashing me an ashamed gaze.

“Sorry Derpy! But she already figured out it was all a joke! Ha-ha I’ll see you at the casting party later!” Dash yanked the cake from her hooves and pushed the mail mare out the door.

“Cake?” I asked in a frightened tone of voice.

“Duh! This cake is my only regret! You see it’s a party...exploding joke cake!”

“Exploding joke cake?”

“Phst yeah! You see if you weren’t so clever and found out it was all a joke, I would’ve offered you some cake and it would have exploded in our faces ha-ha!” Dash quickly darted her eyes towards the cake and back to me.

“What’s that!” She screamed as I turned around, I could hear a loud hoof smashing sound behind me.

Turning back I could see Dash covered in the cake, smiling happily before she burst out into giggles.

“Whoa! See there it went!”

“Hehe yeah…”

“Good joke huh? Got you to believe I spent 100,000 bits on this hmm?” Dash smirked and winked to me once more.

“100,000 bits!?” My heart sank deep in my chest as I gazed down.

“No! You only think it did! As you can see the whole room is just made of breakaway walls and the such.” Dash rolled her eyes and walked over to the wall proudly.

“They just come right down!” She roughly punched the wall as it didn’t budge.

“Right.” She groaned and punched the wall over and over.

“On.” She spun around and began to buck at the cloud wall wildly.

“Down!” After a few more bucks the cloud wall gave way and exploded outward messily.

“See?” She gasped for air and walked over to my side.

“Are you ok Dash?” I asked in a very concerned tone of voice.

“Yeah! Never been better! Now let me take you home,which I totally knew you had of course!” Dash laughed in a very eerie tone as I climbed up on her backside.

Within seconds we flew out the large hole in the wall, as we left behind the home I looked back to see the add on room crumble and fall away. Leaving a large gap in the side of Dashes home, much like a injured open wound.

I wanted to believe it was all a joke.

But I just couldn’t force a laugh.

Author's Note

This chappie is a Parody of one of the most funny jokes ever Imo.

Joke.

My Momma Said.

We came to a stop in the park area of Ponyville, I quickly gazed around to make sure that Lyra was nowhere to be found. With a sigh of relief I hoped off Dashes back and smiled up to her.

“Thanks for the ride Dash.”

“Hmmm. I bet you are.” She rolled her eyes.

“Huh?”

“Er. See you around kid.” She shrugged and jolted off into the sky.

“My mom said you were faking being an orphan.” I heard a sweet voice speak up behind me.

I turned to come face to face with Dinky. Who glared at me with narrowed eyes and a sarcastic tone.

“No! I never did!”

“Mmhmm. My mom said you prey on the attention of others to make yourself feel important.”

“Well your mom has no idea what she’s saying.”

“Mmhmm. Then why do you never show off your parents?”

“Why don’t you?” I snapped back in anger.

“School Bake Sale, Kart Races, Mommy And Me Dance. Every event my mom was at with me.”

“My mom doesn’t bake.”

“...”

“Or kart race.”

“...”

“Or dance.”

“You just keep them away to get attention.”

“But…” I wanted to say something but suddenly felt Dinky pat my shoulder with her hoof.

“To each her own. Just know time is like a grain of sand caught in a updraft.”

“...”

“It flies away, never to be seen again. Enjoy your mom and dad, one day you will wake up and they’ll be gone.” Dinky gave me a small hug.

I could feel my heart sink in my chest slowly, ears pinned back gently as I wrapped my hooves around her and returned the hug.

Suddenly I could feel a punch to the gut as I gasped aloud for air, Dinky shifted to the side and let me fall to the ground with a thud.

“That’s for calling my momma a liar.” Dinky rolled her eyes and trotted off into the distance.

I just groaned aloud holding to my side in pain.

I hated this day so much.

Muffins Heal All Wounds.

I slowly pushed my scooter down Main Street in a very bored manner, my friends Applebloom and Sweetie were busy today with their families. So I was hanging out by myself for the day, thoughts of perhaps dropping in on Dash crossing my mind.

“There you are!” Ms.Derpy flew out of the sky in a lopsided way, her hooves skidding across the dirt wildly.

Her off center eye locking onto me as she smiled brightly, in a matter of seconds she galloped over and patted my mane softly.

“Uh hi?” I pulled away slightly from her hoof and smoothed out my mane back to normal.

“I made you a gift Scootie!” She let a squee escape her lips and spun around, reaching for a large basket of muffins she placed at my hooves.

“Wow cool!” I couldn’t help but tear the plastic off the side of the basket, muffins of all kinds overflowing from within.

I personally reached for a chocolate chip muffin, taking a large bite off the side allowing the buttery goodness to wash over me.

“Heehee. Glad you like them. Now remember to share with the other children.” Derpy giggled as she started to flutter her wings in place, ready to jolt off.

“Other children?” I tilted my head to the side slowly confused as I chewed on my treat.

“You know at the home dear.” Derpy replied back as I simply narrowed my eyes to her slowly.

“Erm. I have a family and a home.” I spoke up and wiped a few crumbs off my muzzle.

“What?!” She gasped in complete shock and fell to the ground with a dull thud, sitting on her flank in silence.

“Yes a family. With a mom and a dad.” I scoffed to the older mare in annoyance.

“Oh! Do you mean like at the Ponyville Graveyard?” She spoke in a soothing tone while ears pinned back sadly.

“No! Like two blocks down the road!” I tossed a muffin behind me in anger.

“Um. You mean you like still see them…” She narrowed her eyes slowly.

“They’re ALIVE!” I scolded in a loud scream.

“Oh! I’m so sorry...I mean happy...no sorry...um.” Derpy gazed down in shame, unable to know how to react.

“...” I glared in silence a frown on my muzzle, never flinching or changing.

“Do I take back the muffins?” Derpy shrugged her shoulders softly in confusion.

“...” I wrapped my hooves around the basket and pulled it closer to my side.

“I’ll just go now.” Derpy sighed and flew back off into the distance.

If only this would be the last time this happened to me today.

So Does Cake.

“Nom-nom. I mean she really didn’t know I had a family! Can you believe that?” I swallowed the last chunk of muffin in my mouth, slowly licking the crumbs off my hoof.

“The nerve of some ponies.” Mrs.Cake shook her head side to side with a tsk.

“I know right?” I sighed and placed my hooves on my sides.

Mrs.Cake eyes suddenly and oddly darted back and forth, not quite at myself but at something behind me. I shot around seeing Mr.Cake quickly trying to push a large tray of cake behind a curtain.

“Don’t mind that dear. It’s just a present for somepony…” The mare slowly bit her lower lip sheepishly.

“That cake is for me isn’t it?” I sighed eyes narrowing in annoyance.

“Yes.” She moaned in a beaten tone.

“It’s because you thought I didn’t have a family.” I smacked my lips slowly.

“...”

“It’s “Homeless Filly.” cake isn’t it?” I huffed aloud in slight defeat myself.

“Yes.” She lowered her ears back softly.

“I thought so.” I spoke in a serious tone and turned around, walking out of the bakery and back into the world I found myself living in.

Where most ponies thought I was homeless.

They Call Them Nude Bipedal Cultist Apes.

I walked down the park path in silence, ears pinned back as I thought about how weird this day was. Why was it, that all ponies thought I was alone in this world?

I was so deep in thought, I failed to notice Lyra the unicorn waving me over.The mint colored mare scrunching up her muzzle, as I simply passed her on by.

“Hey kid! What’s eating you?” She yelled over from the bench she was sat upon, oddly at that, lifted upright and not sideways.

“Um sorry?” I sighed and walked over, the mare patting the spot next to her.

I shrugged and pounced on up, doing my best to sit upright like her yet couldn’t help feeling off center.

“Sorry. It’s just everypony today has thought I have no family.” I pouted and gazed down to the grass of the park.

“Oh! That’s a bummer. I’ve had the same problem before.” She spoke up with a warm smile crossing her lips.

“Really?” I smiled back feeling a bit better by those words.

“Well not the family dead thing. That’s just weird.” Lyra narrowed her eyes to me.

“Oh.”

“No. Mine is that nopony seems to believe me, when I say nude bipedal apes are watching us from beyond the sky!” Lyra waved her hooves high in the air slowly.

“Wha?”

“Yep. Millions of them watch us once a week on a saturday morning, some even forming cults and calling themselves Bronies or Pegasisters.” Lyra narrowed her eyes off into the distance, voice deepening ever so slightly.

“They all follow a supreme nude ape. They write to him stories about us and odd adventures we would never have in a million years.” Lyra trailed off into a whisper as she turned to face me.

“...”

“Worse of all. Some of these apes formed a radio group hosted by a priest, but this priest is a wicked soul who takes glee in the suffering of…” Lyra tried to continue yet I quickly jumped off the bench and began to back away.

“I got to go…” I spoke in a cracking voice as I bolted off in the distance, trying to get as far away as I could.

“You better run! Before they put you in a box with their evil hands and try to raise you!” Lyra jumped off her bench and ran after me yelling wildly.

I swiftly lost her when I made it back to the Main Street.

This day was just getting weirder.

Live And Let Shy.

I stomped my hooves down the old dirt road in growing anger. Everypony I dared to meet today, had some problem with the fact I wasn’t homeless. Where did this rumor even start?

“Why hello Little Loo.” A very calm and gentle voice caught my attention.

I gazed upward to see a slender and delicate pegasus flutter down from the sky. She had a long flowing pink mane, with bright blue eyes that shimmered.

“Hello Fluttershy.” I grumbled under my breath.

“You are looking down today.” She smiled sweetly to me as she touched the ground with her hooves.

“Really!? I didn’t notice.” I rolled my eyes sarcastically.

“Well I thought maybe you’d like to come over and have a…” She began to start up only to have me snort aloud.

“Let me guess. You want to give me a party!?” I snapped in reply stepping forward.

“Um.”

“Or maybe you want to spend time with me! Because you heard that I had no family!” I growled in annoyance.

“But.”

“Guess what! I do have a mom and a dad!”

“Uh.”

“And I love them! So take whatever pity party you have in your tiny little mind and shove it up your flank!”

“I Just wanted to invite you over for tea.” Fluttershy burst into tears as she quickly fluttered into the sky sobbing.

“Oh! Um I’m sorry.” I pinned my ears back slowly in shame.

“Maybe you should pick on somepony your own size next time.” Fluttershy hid her face behind dainty hooves and flew off into the distance.

“What does that even mean?” I sighed aloud in confusion and shame.

Apple Smacked.

I dragged my sorry flank onto The Apple Family Farm. Ears folded back in anger at myself, poor Fluttershy would never look at me the same way again that’s for sure.

“Howdy! If it ain’t Scoot-a-shoot!” Applejack shouted from inside her family barn, a large smile covering her muzzle.

“Mmhmm. Bloom home?” I sighed softly.

“Nope. She and Big Mac went out to market, should be home later sugarcube!” The copper mare galloped over swiftly, her dark green eyes gazing into mine lovingly.

“Well that’s just great…” I huffed in a pout.

“What’s eating at you hon?” The mare asked with a look of worry in her eyes.

“Pfft. No Parents.” I rolled my eyes towards her in a scoff.

“You little runt!” She suddenly snapped back in anger, eyes narrowing down to me in growing anger.

“Huh?”

“Sure we don’t have no parents! That don’t make us odd or lesser than anypony else!” She growled, puffing out her chest a bit in defense.

“Uh! Homeless!?” I stumbled over my words as I slowly started to back up, my words falling to pieces in my mouth.

“Never! After our folks passed we were never homeless! Granny made sure of that!, worked her hooves to the bone to care for us!” Applejack smashed her hoof into an apple on the ground, smashing it into a pulp in one strike.

“No! Uh? Dead Parents!” I yelled out to her in a shrill voice, unable for the life of me to speak in a normal tone.

“Grrr! You stay right where you are!” She huffed in anger and spun around, galloping over to her barn.

“Where you going?” I finally spit out.

“Just gettin’ some rope to string ya’ up with! Goin’ to beat ya’ like a old carpet!” She yelled back from the barn calmly as my eyes grew wider.

I jolted off the property as fast as I could. Heart racing wildly in my chest while I rushed towards Ponyville once again.

What else could go wrong today?