Button Mash Vs. Gametrot

by naturalbornderpy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Button Mash, Comedy, Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2429

All Button Mash wanted to do was return a game he didn't like. Perhaps he should've checked who was working at Gametrot first.

All Button Mash wanted to do was return a game he didn't like.

Perhaps he should've checked who was working at Gametrot first.

Artwork by megarainbowdash2000.

Published 2017-05-29 00:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-29 00:30:01 UTC

Platinum Edition

“Don’t go in there!” the colt outside the store warned, laying spread eagle out on the sidewalk.

Button Mash halted in his tracks, moving the videogame held between his teeth to his hoof. He glanced down at the pony. “Umm. Why? I need to return this game.”

The colt on the ground grabbed one of Button Mash’s legs. “Forget it! Go home! The guy in there… he gets in your head!” Below the sprawled colt was a giant mound of small cardboard discs. On each of them was a random pony or cartoon. “You see all these?”

Button Mash raised a brow. “Yeah. What are they?”

“Pogs!” the colt screamed.

“What in Equestria is a pog?”

The colt pulled on the tips of his mane. “I don’t even know! But for some reason, I bought six-hundred of them! My dad’s gonna be so mad! I was supposed to buy his arthritis medicine with that money! Now he’s gonna spank me and then we’ll both be in pain!” He sniffled. “Why? Why did I buy all those? I don’t even play those kinds of games!”

“Then why’d you go inside a Gametrot to begin with?” Button Mash inquired.

“I had to use the bathroom! That’s all! And I didn’t even get to use it!”

That was when the colt on the curb burst into tears and collapsed; his recently purchased pogs acting as a makeshift bed. Button Mash left him alone as he entered the shop.

“Good morning!” the creature behind the counter greeted with a shark-like grin.

Button Mash had seen the guy working there in Ponyville before, but had never really spoken to him. All he knew was that he was tall and weird looking. Perfect traits for working at the local Gametrot, apparently.

“Anything I can help you with today?” he asked again. Around his chest was a button-up t-shirt three times too small for him and a nametag reading “RIPCORD”. That was when Button Mash finally remembered the creature’s real name: Discord.

Button Mash slid the game cartridge across the glass counter. “I want to return this.”

Discord’s smile vanished. “And why’s that?”

He held the game up in his claws. On the cover was a drawing of three miscellaneous objects seemingly locked in heated battle: a rock, a sheet of paper, and a pair of scissors.

“Something wrong with ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors: The Movie: The Game’?” Discord asked.

“Well,” Button Mash started, “for one thing… why’s it called ‘The Movie: The Game’?”

Discord rolled his eyes, slamming the game down. “Now I see what the real problem is. You’ve been trapped down a well for the last twelve months, haven’t you? Stuck in a bank vault? Sunken submarine? Head in a book? Or is your house just some big plastic impenetrable bubble? Perfectly protected from the outside world and all of its current events?”

“No,” Button Mash answered hotly. “I go outside all the time! I’m outside right now!”

“Liar,” Discord snapped. “If you did, then you’d know that ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors: The Movie’—tagline: It’s not just a game anymore—is currently the hottest new film in Equestria. It’s even bound to cross a billion bits worldwide. So, of course, they’d make a video game out of it.”

“Okay…” Button Mash muttered, still as confused as ever. “I still want to return it.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because there’s only one playable character! Rock! Where’s paper or scissors?”

“Wow,” Discord said with a grunt, as if he’d just been punched in the gut. “Could you take a step back, please?”

“Okay.” So Button Mash did just that.

“And one more, please, just to be safe.”

Button Mash took another step back.

Discord’s smile returned. “Thanks. I just didn’t want to catch any of the high levels of stupidness you’ve clearly been exposed to. You know it’s severe because ‘stupidness’ isn’t even a word.”

Growling in his throat, Button Mash rushed back to the counter, loudly planting his hooves there. “I’m not being stupid! That game’s a rip-off!”

“Is it?” Discord asked snidely. “If you would’ve read the game’s terms and conditions, you would’ve realized that ‘Scissors’ is a pre-order bonus and ‘Paper’ is DLC. Did you read the game’s terms and conditions before playing?”

Some of Button Mash’s original anger subsided. Truth be told, he hadn’t read any such thing. For good reason, though. “But… it’s like a thousand pages!” he wailed.

“Eight-hundred and eleven,” Discord corrected.

“No pony has time for that!”

Absently, Discord flicked his lion’s claw toward another colt patiently reading at the corner of the shop. In the colt’s lap was a seemingly never-ending scroll that wrapped all the way around himself and the whole store. On the colt’s face was a pair of glasses and a beard to rival even Starswirl’s.

“He’s reading the terms and conditions,” Discord said giddily.

The bearded colt raised his head for a moment, blinking heavily. “But I’m almost done! Only one-hundred pages left! Then I can start playing ‘Alicorn Apocalypse 2: Alicorn Harder’.”

Button Mash stared at him, amazed. “Dude! They released ‘Alicorn Apocalypse 3’ last month! How long have you been in here reading that thing?”

The bearded colt dropped the scroll to the floor in shock. “Oh, Celestia, what have I done? I’ve wasted so much of my life… I haven’t been to school in so long… and why can’t I remember my parents’ faces? What year is it? Did anyone get Luna down from the moon yet?”

Grumbling the entire time, Discord casually leapt over the counter to shoo the bearded colt from his store. But not before yanking off his fake beard. “What did I tell you about loitering in my shop, pretending you’ve aged horrifically? Those fake beards are for paying customers only! You wear it, you buy it, kid!”

With the colt gone, Discord snapped himself back behind the counter to pick up Button Mash’s game again. “I really don’t understand your hate for this game. M. Pie gave it ‘Four rocks out of four’ before she ate the game whole.” He lowered his voice as if spilling a secret. “There was a picture of a rock on it.” Then he spoke normally again. “Anyways, I heard they’re even adding a new character in next week: Celestia’s Hoof. You basically win every time no matter what. Good deal, too. Only four-hundred bits… per month.”

“The whole game only cost thirty!” Button Mash yelped.

Discord pursed his lips. “Did it? I really should raise the price on it, now that I think about it. Thanks for the advice, bud.”
Button Mash smashed his hooves atop the counter. “I want a refund!”

Discord feigned nervousness. “And I wish you’d stop being so mean to me! Don’t you realize I’m new?” He indicated his nametag with a finger. Now it read: “DERPSWORD – TRAINEE (Please be nice to me! You see, beneath my hardened exterior, I’m actually quite fragile. It all started when I was little and I saw a bug on a rug next to a jug…)”. The nametag traveled all the way to the floor; the font growing steadily smaller with each sentence.

“And you’ve been here how long?” Button Mash asked incredulous.

“Six years.”

Button Mash glared at him; Discord blushed. “What can I say? I’m a slow learner. I was once told my spirit animal was glue.”

Button Mash doubled down, staring Discord in the eyes. “I… WANT… A… REFUND!”

Discord did nearly the same, pushing his snout into Button Mash’s until they bumped. “I… DON’T… SPEAK… ENGLISH!”

Standing upright again, Discord threw his hands above his head in exhaustion. “I’ve had it up to here with you! I need a break! A coffee break. A break-coffee-break. Woody can take over for a bit.”

“Don’t you just mean coffee break?” Button Mash asked, as he watched Discord pull out a large cardboard box from underneath the counter.

Discord reached inside and pulled out an “I LOVE LAS PEGASUS!” coffee mug. He turned back to Button Mash with a visible fang jutting from his lips. “I think I know what I said, kid.” Then he threw the coffee cup against the closest wall, smashing it to bits. Then he threw another one. And another. And another. All with the same result.

Discord closed his eyes, exhaling in relief. “Oh, baby. These cups break good.”

Button Mash had to yell above the shattering noises. “I’m not leaving here until I get a refund!”

Without turning back, Discord told him, “Talk to Woody. I’m on break.”

Button Mash was about to repeat what he’d just said, until he realized someone new was behind the counter. Or perhaps it was something new behind the counter.

“It’s a plank of wood,” Button Mash sighed, stating the rather obvious.

“No, it’s not,” Discord replied. “That’s Woody. Say ‘Hi’ Woody!”

But Woody did no such thing. Mainly, because Woody was only a plank of wood with a crudely painted-on smile and eyes; a single bent nail in his forehead for some reason.

Discord gleefully smashed another cup. “Woody’s a lot nicer than me. If I were you, I’d ask him for the refund.” He threw another cup, adding a fake explosion sound as it shattered. “Then again, you are mighty dumb. So do what you like. Just don’t accidentally suffocate on air and die in my store. I really detest vacuuming.”

Button Mash opened his mouth, then closed it with a snap. By this point, what else did he really have to lose?

“Can I have a refund?” he asked Woody, under his breath. “Please?”

The lifeless plank of wood known as Woody’s shook from side to side.

Nope. No refund for you.

Something inside Button Mash’s head ground to a halt as specks of white danced before his eyes. Maybe I should buy some pogs instead, he thought hazily, as if someone was whispering the words right inside his head. Pogs-pogs-pogs-pogs-drown in poggy goodness!

Button Mash briskly shook his head, clearing his thoughts. Discord stood back at the counter.

“Still want a refund?” Discord asked with a tight grin.

Button Mash nodded.

“Well, too bad!” Discord exclaimed. “Best I can give is store credit.”

Button Mash’s eyes lit up. “R-really? Why didn’t you say so earlier? Okay… I’ll take—”

“One punch to the face?” Discord asked with a greasy smirk.

“Umm…” Button Mash cocked his head to the side. “What?”

“It’s a new game I invented,” Discord continued happily. “It’s where I punch you in the face with my fist.”

“I don’t get it. How is that a game?”

“Ten bits gets you a regular edition punch to the face. Twenty bits and I promise to put my back into it. For thirty bits…” Discord gasped as he snapped his fingers together and a pair of iron knuckles appeared around his hand. “You get the platinum edition punch to the face!”

“I think I’ll pass,” Button Mash retorted dryly.

“But I haven’t gotten to the best part! Each punch comes with a free…”

For ten long seconds, neither of them said a word. Eventually, Button Mash asked, “A free what?”

“Dramatic pause!” Discord answered, clearly pleased with himself. “So how many punches to the face can I put you down for?”

“Zero.”

Discord rested his head on his hands. “Are you sure? Like really sure? The graphics are totally out of this world! It’s like it’s coming right at you! My fist, that is.”

Button Mash stomped his tiny hooves against the ground. “Stop trying to trick me! What’re you gonna try to sell me next? A kick to the butt!?”

Up on the counter, Discord choked on nothing. He sneered down at him. “Who told you about that? Who spilled the metaphorical beans? That game’s still in its testing phase! You know how many ponies around this town could use a good kick in the butt? I could be a millionaire in less than a month!”

“All I want is a game!” Button Mash wailed. “A video game! That’s all!”

Discord exhaled bitterly. “Fine. How ‘bout that game you mentioned earlier? That… ‘Alicorn Apocalypse 3’? I think I have a few copies still kicking around somewhere.”

Button Mash gasped. As far as he knew, that game had been sold out everywhere since its release. “You mean it? Is it… is it still the Day One Edition?”

Discord smirked, as he plopped the game in question onto the counter. “Even better! It’s the Negative Two Hundred Days Edition.”

Button Mash put a hoof to his forehead. “That something bad, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Very much so, I’m afraid. It means the game’s unfinished and virtually unplayable. A big disappointment, if you ask me. Although, I have heard that’s all the rage with kids these days. Being huge disappointments.”

Button Mash’s shoulders slumped. He stared at his hooves.

Quietly, he asked, “Is there any game I can have that’s actually finished and won’t get me punched in the head?”

As if waiting for this very question the whole time, Discord handed over one last game without a word.

***

Button Mash had only been playing “Twilight Sparkle’s Library Tycoon” for twenty minutes and he was already on the verge of throwing it out the window.

“Alert! Alert!” loudly blurted the game. “Library dust amounts have reached critical levels! I repeat! Library dust—”

“But I just dusted!” Button Mash yelled at the screen. “Two minutes ago!”

Inside the game, an eight-bit purple-and-green dragon approached Twilight Sparkle in her library.

“Yo, Twilight,” the dragon greeted in speech bubble text. “We are out of flour, eggs, and butter for cake. Seriously, Twilight, I need my cake. You had better go retrieve said items from stores and shops around town—”

Button Mash groaned. “Not another fetch quest! How much cake do you eat?”

Giving up, he threw the controller across the room as his virtual Twilight gained another forty-five Smarty Points and went up another level. Now she was assistant to the assistant regional manager of books.

Done with video games for the night, Button Mash trotted downstairs to see if his mother wanted to play Monopony with him instead.

Author's Note

The older I get the more appreciation I have for board games.

Yes, I just turned 81 last January. No, my grandchildren don't call anymore. Yes, I have stopped taking my medication. No, I have not stopped watching "The Ponies". Yes, I have fallen and I can't get up.

And, yes, I would personally play the hell out of "Twilight Sparkle's Library Tycoon". :twilightsmile: