Anon Wants to #*@!~ Twilight

by Lack of Tact

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Main 6, Anon, Second Person, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1300

Anon was having an ordinary day, you know, being a pony and all now thanks to Twilight's spell. Problem is, he's losing his voice! Er... Kinda, all he can manage are various bleeps and bloops.

Rated M for Megatron

I should realize that writing Anon automatically makes my writing mature.

Definitely not as stupid good as "Anon Saves Equestria, er..."

You're Anon, the sole ex-human of Equestria. It has, uh, it's been a couple years now, probably more than you'd like, but still, you're stuck with these horses. Yeah, so stuck, that you asked the nerdiest of all of these freaks to turn you into one. Not going to lie, but you eventually come to regret this.

Now, being a four-legged freak o' nature isn't all bad, what with being able to actually fit in public restrooms and Mint Face no longer interested in jumping your manbits, but even you have to admit, this isn't right.

It seems no matter what you do, life just has a way of dicking you over. In this case, for some reason, you're losing your fucking voice—just not in the way it normally happens.

---

Anon is my spirit animal.

But yeah, this was a friend's idea :rainbowlaugh:

:twilightsmile: Enjoy! :twilightsmile:

Published 2017-05-27 13:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-27 13:10:02 UTC

#*@! $^

*@! $^

========

Ugh, your head is pounding from last night, never do a drinking contest with Purple again; what the hell did you two bet on... whatever, today was going to be a great day. The sun was high as hell in the fucking air (you were positive Celestia found your stashed kush at this point), birds were screaming at any passerby that dare neared too close. You could just feel it in all of your pony bones, that today was just a present waiting to be unwrapped.

Er...

Oh, that's right. You're a fucking horse now. Welp, thinking about last week utterly ruins your day and worsens your hangover. The growing smile you almost had, dips, a melancholic frown taking place. "Sonovabitch." You mumble, your nose flaring in repulsion at your horrid horse-morning breath.

Yep, you done did it, you asked Purple Smart to turn you into a pony, and you are starting to reflect on this now. Couldn't just ask for a couple days, nope, you just wanted to fit in for once. Well congrats bud, you fucked up. You hear that? This is your brain telling you this.

A groan escapes your mouth, as you, as per the usual, ignore me and you push yourself up off of your bed, onto the floor. The four hooves of yours, studded with golden, diamond encrusted horseshoes (Drill Tail's welcoming gift to ponydom), clanking on the wooden surface. Never mind, today is going to be absolute shit.

Kinda like all of your other days on this Godforsaken planet, but instead you're a horse now. Which makes it worse.

"Shoulda just fucking ignored it," you grumble out, the pit of your stomach still sinking. Yep, you definitely preferred to be left alone; little to no friends, no one to just hang out with, no random outings with those six horses. Eeyup, utter isolation was the way to go. Now, as a goddamn horse, you're forced to communicate and venture all of Ponyland with these fucks-

-You know what, no. You're not going to deal with this. You're going to march back up to Twilight, demand she turn you back to your sexy human self, renounce all of those pony friends you made over the course of a week, and then eat some fucking pancakes.

Uh, actually the last part doesn't sound too bad. Let's do that one first.

---

Leaving your home, mouth still full of forked pancake, you kick the door shut with your hind leg and make your way forward. You are now on a mission, a mission to annoy the fuck out of Twilight until she concedes to your demands. "She ith guwna turn me bawck to mah huwman selph!" Bits of pancake leaves your mouth... you should seriously stop talking with your fucking mouth full, it's disgusting and I can't even understand you half the time.

Without any doubt, you promptly ignore me, spitting the metal utensil out of your mouth onto the dirty road as you continue onward. "Twilight!" You scream out, not even halfway to her home. Horses glance at your soon-to-be-human hide as if you're insane. You raise your hoof to those you do notice and flip them off. How, you don't even know. You just do.

Mint Face, among the crowd of those who looked over to you, sees this, and promptly flips her shit. Yeah, she's still pissed at your transformation. Good thing too, fucking horse won't try touching me in the shower anymore. Yep, definitely a good thing. Maybe you should just stay a pony—nope. You speedtrot, passing by all of those losers; in your view was Twilight's large, hard, glistening co—castle.

Part of you is ashamed you were even going down that road, but you swerved off of it last second. Nice save, but not really.

Anyway, Purple is probably home at this time, unless of course she's off having one of her adventures. Which would fucking suck, 'cause those can take hours to days. You don't have the time for that shit! You want to be a human again, you impatient—you shout her name again, mentally dodging another insult. "Twili^#~—"

—Only for a loud 'bleep' of sorts to shut you up. What the fuck was that? Your hooves stop moving as you look around, blinking in every direction. No, seriously though, what in the hell was that? You shove a hoof in your ear, squeak it clean, and listen again.

Nothing.

You purse your lips, hearing nothing in response to your mental question. Okay...? You shake your head, moving again, ever nearer to the crystallized castle of cocaine. Cocaine and friendship. "Twi&*^#~—"

You step over your own hoof and trip forward, the sudden bleep frightening you. This time you heard it and you were damn sure where it came from. "$*^@&—" you test, your mouth clamping shut as the loud, deafening, bleeping noise emanates from your mouth. Oh my fucking. You pull yourself up, only to allow yourself to fall back on your haunches as you open your mouth, letting no sound escape.

"*#^," you close your mouth.

"&~%," again.

"$*^@," and again.

"*@!—"

"Anon?" Another voice interrupts the beginnings of your second mental breakdown: Twilight's, oh thank God. You turn to look up in her direction, standing with one of the large doors open, a mad look in your eye is all she needs to see to know all's not well. Obviously. "Anon, what's going on? Why are you sitting out in the open like that?" She trots up to you, a worried smile on her face. You don't give much of a response other than pointing a hoof straight at your muzzle, automatically assuming she'd realize what you mean.

Why the hell would you do that? She's not a goddamn psychic.

Twilight stares blankly at you, one eyebrow raised above the other. "Um..." she starts and stops, unable to continue her line of thought. She has absolutely no idea what you mean. Really makes you feel like a dumbass, don't it? Kinda like when you tried popping the question on your first date with Anonymiss.

You roll your eyes, ignoring the memory of the night you came home drunk and beat your goldfish to death. Slowly, but surely enough to make sure she knows what you're doing, you open your mouth. "&*@^—" and a hoof finds its way in your hatch before you could even bleep what you were trying to bleep.

Of course, it's Twilight's.

"Oh, HELL no! Don't ever make that horrible sound again!" She shouts, using her magic to plug her eardrums. Wait, did she just use a human term?

"Ugh, I knew the censorship spell I cast was still a work in progress..." She mumbles something, but you can't hear her. Goddammit, this is another reason why you want to go back to being a human, the floof in your ears makes you damn near deaf. You push Twilight's hoof away from your mouth, definitely not willing to speak anymore.

Just great, there goes your plans on becoming human again. At least for today hopefully.

You pat your chest with one hoof a couple of times in attempt to try another way of communicating, with little to no response. A growl comes from you, but even that doesn't get her attention. Bitch was too busy thinking about something else all of a sudden, something, apparently, more important than the fact you're not human. Oh, and that you can't speak now, that too. You give a totally justified huff in annoyance.

You censor-ly hate this fucking horse, it's like she never pays attention to you.

Author's Note

Imagine this, he was originally going to start speaking binary.

Oh, update for "Anon Saves Equestria, er..." dropping either today or sometime tomorrow. Probably.