Shadowbolts in Equestria

by EntityRelationship

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Shadowbolts (EqG), Equestria Girls, Random, Discord, Twilight Sparkle (EqG), Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 5650

The Crystal Prep Shadowbolts have come to visit Equestria, in what is possibly some of the worst decision making possible on the part of Discord. Hopefully, most of Equestria is still standing when they're done.

Equestria...a land of magic and mystery. Connected to the human world through a magical portal outside of Canterlot High School. To some, it is home. To others, a strange, bizarre place of unknown rules and knowledge, just waiting to be discovered, codified, and understood.

And, to a few, a cool place to spend an afternoon.

The Crystal Prep Shadowbolts have come to visit Equestria, with the help of Discord. This SHOULD be a fantastic adventure in another universe, but given The Shadowbolt's track record, it's way more likely to be a snarky disaster than anything else. Hopefully, most of Equestria is still standing when they're done.

Published 2017-05-28 14:40:08 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-28 14:40:08 UTC

Chapter 1

Discord crept through the empty field, one, long, slinking footstep at a time.

It was generally accepted that, for all his power, Discord was chronically incapable of creeping. Something about standing several times the height of the average pony and being a mismatched amalgamation of unusual creatures. But, all things considered, he made a very good effort.

He reached his claw out and, with a flick of his wrist, a zipper appeared out of thin air. He pulled it across the sky, splitting it down the middle and revealing a swirling, purple vortex beneath it. There was a long, trailing scream, followed by the gentle “plump” of six, little ponies falling through the opening and landing on the ground in quick succession.

“Tell me again, why I agreed to this?” Twilight asked as she forced herself to her feet. She picked up her glasses from the ground and put them on her newly ponified face.

“Because you wanted to study Equestrian Magic,” Sunny Flare said, brushing off her glistening, crystal coat and throwing her mane back into place elegantly.

“Aaaand the best place to do that is right at the source?” Indigo Zap added.

“I can study Equestrian magic whenever I come here with Sunset,” Twilight said as she wiped some dust from the front of her glasses. “I don’t need Discord to sneak me into this world to do that.”

“Buuuut,” Sour Sweet said, sporting a wide grin, “how much time do you actually spend studying magic while you’re here? And how much time do you spend gazing longingly into Sunset’s eyes and whispering sweet nothings into her ears?”

Twilight blushed. “I-I...I don’t...we don’t...spend...too much time...oh dear…”

“Someone’s in lo-ove!” Lemon Zest sang, fluttering her wings and flying over Twilight’s head as she spoke. Twilght’s cheeks flushed an even deeper shade of red.

“That’s it, I’m going home,” Twilight said, turning around in a huff and trotting off in what was, she realized, an entirely random direction.

“Oh, don’t be like that, SciTwi,” Indigo Zap said, wrapping a hoof around Twilight’s shoulders. “Besides, do you really want to let this opportunity go to waste.” With her spare front leg, Indigo Zap gestured to Discord. “Even if you can study Equestrian magic whenever, how often do you have the opportunity to study CHAOS magic? Apparently, his magic is weird, even by Equestria’s standards.” Indigo Zap leaned into Twilight’s ears and whispered, “Just THINK how impressed Sunset would be if you were able to figure out how it works.”

Twilight’s hard drive of a brain processed this new input, meticulously weighing the risks against the benefits. After some time it came to a conclusion, and Twilight sighed. “I’m so going to regret this…” she whined.

“Don’t worry too much about it, SciTwi,” Lemon Zest said. She pulled out a business card and hoofed it to Twilight. “The last time we were here, we got the name of a good law firm. You know...in case anything goes wrong...again.” Twilight took the card and read the print out loud.

“Law Firm of Legal, Legal, Legal, and Legal: Let’s try to focus on the 75% of our lawyers who AREN’T disbarred.” Twilight said. “Yeah, that doesn’t inspire confidence…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Sour Sweet said, trotting over to Discord and giving an overly-wide smile. “Now, where are we going today? Somewhere EXCITING?!”

Discord grinned. “Oh? Want to see something exciting, do you?” He raised a claw into the air and snapped his fingers. There was a flash of light, and when it cleared they were surrounded by arcade machines and a crowd of ponies, the sound of bells and rattling coins ringing through the air. “Ta-da!” Discord said, suddenly dressed in a pink and white striped collared shirt and a white, pork pie hat. “Las Pegasus!”

The Shadowbolts looked around. “Wow!” Twilight said, examining one of the crane machines. “This place is-”

“A glorified arcade?” Sugarcoat said. She raised an eyebrow and looked at Discord disapprovingly. “You know we have these back home too, right?”

“It’s on a cloud!” Twilight said, peeking over the edge of the city.

“Yeah. An arcade. On a cloud,” Sugarcoat said. “And it probably takes, like, ten-thousand tickets to get one of those comically oversized teddy bears.” Sugarcoat pointed to the prize stand, which was practically overflowing with stuffed animals. “Don’t you have anything a little more unique to Equestria?”

“Oh, ho ho,” Discord laughed. “You want something a little more interesting? Yes, I think I can oblige you there…” He snapped his fingers again, there was another flash of bright light, and The Shadowbolts found themselves standing on a purple, reflective road, surrounded by tall, crystalline structures.

“Oooo…” Sunny Flare said, watching the crystal ponies who were passing by, their shimmering coats matching her own. “I think I like this place.”

“The Crystal Empire!” Discord declared, his voice booming with pride. “Lost for a thousand years! Cast into legend, until-”

“We go to Crystal Prep Academy,” Sugarcoat interrupted. “You basically just took us to our school.”

Discord grunted in annoyance. “Wow,” he said, “you must be a real hit at parties, kid.”

“-don’t care what the Prince OR the Princess says,” a practiced, regal voice came from a towering, blue pony with a purple mane, followed by a small entourage of assistants. “The Crystal Empire may have been gone for a thousand years, but we have still won every single Harvest Festival we have ever competed in. And we WILL win this one, because The Crystal Empire has a reputation to maintain.”

“Wait…” Twilight said, whipping her head around to look at the figure that passed them. “Was that-?”

There was a flash of light, a blast of cold wind blew over Twilight, sending her teeth chattering. As her eyes adjusted, Twilight could see a snow-covered city with tall, cathedral-like buildings with golden spires reaching up to the sky. A blizzard was raging and determined earth ponies made their way through the streets, dragging large carts through the piling snow.

“Here,” Discord said, gesturing out to the cityscape before them. “The...well, wherever those ponies who work at the Ponyville Spa are from.”

“It’s...it’s…” Twilight said.

“Fabulous?” Discord asked, contorting his body around in a loop. “Breathtaking? Amazing?”

“Fr-fr-freezing!” Twilight said, through her chattering teeth. “C-can’t we go s-somewhere a li-little warm-warmer?”

Discord sighed. “You girls are just never satisfied, are you? Fine, fine.” He lifted his paw to snap his fingers again, but Sour Sweet raised a hoof.

“Just one, teeny, tiny little second,” she said fluttering her eyes sweetly. She walked over to a nearby newspaper stand, dropped a couple of bits onto the counter, took a paper, and returned. “Okay, I’m good now,” she said.

Sunny Flare grabbed the newspaper, lifted it up, and read the title out loud. “The Chekhov Times?” she asked. “Can you even read this alphabet?”

Sour Sweet shook her head. “Nope,” she said.

“Then why buy it?” Indigo Zap asked. Sour Sweet shrugged.

“Just got a feeling we’re going to need it later.”

“Can we PLEASE do this somewhere else?” Twilight asked, rubbing her hooves together for warmth. Discord snapped her fingers, there was a flash of light, and they were suddenly surrounded by an elegant, regal cityscape.

“Here you go! Canterlot,” Discord said. “Center of culture and stuffy ponies for all of Equestria. Seems like it’d be right up your alley, Sweetie Cakes.”

“Not even close to my name,” Sugarcoat said. There was a scream in the distance and ponies scattered through the city streets. Over the tops of the tall, Canterlot buildings a dark, swirling cloud emerged, spreading its dark tendrils downwards and ripping up chunks of the city in its enormous, amorphous grip.

“Quick!” A voice called. “Someone! Call the princesses! Call the royal guard! Call everyone! We need to fight it back! We need to-!”

“On second thought, let’s not go to Canterlot,” Discord said. “It is a silly place.” He snapped his fingers again, and the group suddenly found themselves deep in a forest.

“Uh…” Indigo Zap said, looking around for the creature that had been tearing apart the surrounding scenery a moment ago. “Shouldn’t you, you know...be doing something about...whatever that was?”

“Eh,” Discord said, shrugging. “Don’t worry about it. It’s probably fine.”

“Are you sure?” Lemon Zest asked. “I mean, that thing looked pretty bad…” Discord waved his claw dismissively.

“It always does,” he said. “But I’m sure Princess Twilight and her friends will have the whole thing wrapped up in twenty-two minutes. Forty-five, tops. Then it’ll be right back to normal.”

“Please,” Twilight said, putting a hoof over her mouth and trying to keep herself from vomiting, “stop...with the teleportation...I’m starting to feel kinda sick.”

Discord blinked and looked down at Twilight with a confused look on his face. “You can’t handle teleportation? Really?”

“Guess not,” Twilight said, then clutched at her stomach. “Oh boy...why did I eat chili right before coming here…?”

“Twilight Sparkle can’t handle teleportation.”

“Yeah…?” Twilight said. “What about it?” Discord’s face contorted itself into a grin at least three times too large for itself.

“Oh...this is going to be FUN,” he said.

“Well, if we’re not teleporting anymore,” Indigo Zap said, “I guess we’re stuck here. Wherever, ‘here’ is.”

“The Everfree Forest,” Discord announced, placing his claw on his chest. “A place of mystery and danger, beyond the comprehension of even the bravest and most powerful of ponies...or, at least it was. Now it’s basically a tourist spot.”

“It’s like they went in a completely different direction with it after season one,” Sugarcoat muttered.

“Wait, what was that?” Sour Sweet asked.

“Nothing.”

“And since we’re not teleporting anywhere anytime soon,” Discord said, “I guess we’re walking.” He took two steps down the path, then let out a long, agonized groan. “Sweet Celestia this is tedious.” Suddenly he turned around, raising his arms in a creeping, ominous gesture. “But beware,” he said, “The Everfree Forest is not a place for the faint of heart. It is a place untouched by pony magic. A place where weather and life happens...all on its own!” He let out a loud cackle and a lightning bolt struck behind him, almost to underline the point.

“So, just like our home dimension?” Sugarcoat asked. Discord let out an exasperated sigh.

“You know, you’re really taking the fun out of this.”

“The forest sure is nice, though,” Twilight said, smiling as she admired the surrounding wildlife. “There’s all sorts of flora here that I’ve never seen before. I could probably write a whole book on the different plant and animal life in Equestria.”

“Speaking of animal life,” Indigo Zap said, stopping and pointing a hoof up ahead, “there’s some of it right now. Blocking our path.” On the road up ahead were a handful of beavers, midway through securing a downed tree that was blocking the way.

“Well, this could take a while,” Discord said, absentmindedly kicking a rock aside. “I suppose if we could all fly we could just go over them, but SOME of you had the bad sense NOT to be born with the ability to twist space and time to your whim. Rather poor planning, on your part.”

“Maybe we could just go around?” Twilight asked. “We’d have to leave the path, but-”

“No need for that,” Sour Sweet said. “I’ll get them to move.” She trotted towards the beavers and gave them the widest, saddest puppy-dog eye look possible. “Excuse me, little beavers,” she said. “We’re so, awfully sorry, but we need to get through here. Could you possibly move aside, just for a teensy, weensy little bit?”

Discord cocked his head in surprise. “Oh?” he said, “Sour Sweet can talk to animals? Like Fluttershy?”

Lemon Zest gave a little wince. “Well, no...not...exactly…”

The beavers continued their tedious work, completely ignoring the yellow earth pony. Sour Sweet’s eyes twitched and in an instant her tone shifted from friendly to hostile. “Hey! Overgrown rats! Move it, or I’m gonna buck you to Yakyakisan, got it?!”

“She can...yell at animals,” Indigo Zap said. The beavers scattered, and Sour Sweet chased them until they ran into the bushes, hurling insults at them all the way. “She can scream in just about any language, actually.”

“All clear!” Sour Sweet sang, immediately shifting back to her friendly tone. Discord gave a small shudder.

“That girl is terrifying,” he said.

“You should see her at school competitions,” Twilight said.

“Aww…” Sour Sweet said, brushing gently up to Twilight’s side. “Don’t tell me you’re still holding that teensy-weensie bit of rudeness in The Friendship Games against me.”

“You yelled at me!” Twilight said.

“And you cut in line,” Sour Sweet snapped, then quickly reverted to her lighter, sing-songy voice. “So I guess neither of us is perfect.”

Twilight opened her mouth to retort, but stopped as loud, feral roar cut through the forest. “Uh...did anyone else hear that?” she asked.

“AnyPONY,” Discord corrected. Another, louder roar came from behind the group.

“It sounds like it’s getting closer…” Twilight said.

“You know…” Lemon Zest said. She tapped her chin thoughtfully as she considered something. “Sour Sweet DID just scare away a bunch of little critters. Critters pretty clearly capable of self-organization and communication.”

Another roar, this time even louder, and accompanied by the sound of snapping twigs and disturbed leaves. “Yeah…” Indigo Zap said, “what about it?”

“What if they have friends?” Lemon Zest said. “Bigger, meaner friends, that wouldn’t be too thrilled about intruders in their forest, pushing around its inhabitants?”

All eyes went wide and turned to the path behind them. Fast approaching, charging towards them on all fours, was an enormous, transparent bear-like creature, its shimmering body full of stars, teeth gnashing as it ran towards the group.

“AAAAAAAH!” the group yelled and ran, stopping only when they realized that Sour Sweet had not moved.

“Let me at ‘em,” she said, standing on her hind legs and holding her front hooves up in a boxing position. “I’ll show ‘em, I’ll show ‘em not to mess with-HEY!” Indigo Zap grabbe Sour Sweet and pulled her along.

“You just HAD to yell at the beavers!” Sunny Flare said as they galloped through the forest. “Because THIS is SO much easier than just going around them!”

“You complain when I’m not helpful, and you complain when I cause us to get chased by a crazy star-bear-thing,” Sour Sweet snapped back. “Make up your mind!”

“Those. Are not. Your only. Two. OPTIONS!” Sunny Flare yelled, then gave an exasperated sigh. “Seriously. This is, like, the third or fourth worst mess you’ve gotten us into.”

“Discord!” Twilight cried, “can’t you just, you know, teleport us out of here or something?” Discord floated up beside her, casually lying down in midair and easily keeping pace with the girls.

“Sorry, SOMEONE doesn’t do well with teleporting,” Discord said. He leaned in and pinched Twilight’s cheek. “I’d hate to give you an upset stomach, after all. Why don’t you just handle it yourself?”

“Handle it myself?” Twilight said, her voice full of disbelief. “How in Equestria am I supposed to do THAT?”

“From what I’ve heard, you’ve already done it,” Discord said, pulling a nail filer from midair and rubbing it against one of his claws. “Well, the other you, at any rate. The one from THIS universe. Not long after she first came to Ponyville, if I heard right.” He stretched his neck out and leaned in to Twilight’s ears. “So it shouldn’t be hard for you to do the same thing, right? It’s just an itsy, bitsy Ursa Minor. It should be a trivial thing for YOU. Element of Magic, and all that.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Discord,” Twilight yelled. “I’m not the ‘Element of Magic’, or whatever that is. I can’t even USE magic, yet.”

Discord’s eyes bolted into two, huge ovals and he gave a loud, belly-jiggling laugh. “Oh, oh, that’s TOO hilarious!”

“Hey, Lemon Zest,” Indigo Zap said, giving her wings a little flutter. “Want to try that trick we learned the last time we were here?” Lemon Zest shrugged.

“Well, it looks like we’re gonna die anyways, so why not?” The two pegasi flew up into the air and started to circle counterclockwise around the group.

“Get back here you cowards!” Sour Sweet yelled. “We die together, or I swear to whatever pony-gods rules this world, I WILL haunt you!”

“They’re technically ‘Alicorns’, not gods,” Discord said.

“Are we even allowed to say, ‘gods’?” Sugarcoat asked. “I mean, this is a ki-”

Lemon Zest and Indigo Zap spiraled faster and faster, quickly generating a vortex beneath them. As the cyclone grew, the pair of Pegasi fell back, releasing a tornado flying down the pathway. The tornado crashed into the Ursa Minor, lifted it into the air, and carried it away.

“Nailed it!” Indigo Zap said. She landed and lifted a hoof to Lemon Zest. “High five! Or, er...hoof-bump. Whatever. We totally sent that bear-thing packing!”

“And we didn’t die,” Lemon Zest said, bumping Indigo Zap’s hoof. “So, bonus there.”

“Seriously?” Twilight asked, gasping for breath. She glared up at Discord, who was hovering above her, tail coiled beneath him and grinning smugly. “You couldn’t just teleport it away or something?”

Discord waved his claw dismissively. “I assumed you had it under control. I mean, how was I supposed to know that you can’t even use magic yet?” He curled around Twilight and ran his paw through her mane and scratched under her chin. “I mean...your counterpart in THIS world’s a magical prodigy. When she was a filly she was turning ponies into potted plants. By the time she showed up in Ponyville she was a noted academic and well on her way to becoming Equestria’s newest princess. I just ASSUMED magic was something that’d come naturally to you, too.”

“Don’t be a jerk, Discord,” Lemon Zest said. “Twilight hasn’t been here as often as the rest of us. It’s no surprise she can’t use magic yet.”

Discord levitated into the air, and The Shadowbolts found themselves lifting up with him. There was a flash of light and they appeared in a large, swirling purple void, decorated with floating platforms of stone, hanging, frozen in place.

“It’s really sort of an amazing contrast,” Discord said. In a flash of light he was gone, replaced with two, enormous portraits of himself on either side of the platform The Shadowbolts had landed on, drawn in an abstract, cubist style, perfectly symmetrical to one another except for their coloring. One portrait was painted with reds and oranges, giving the impression of a fire, while the other was a dark mix of ocean blues and greens.

“What is this?” Twilight asked, looking back and forth at both portraits. “What is this place?”

“PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle has practically rewritten the established rules of magic,” the two portraits of Discord said, gazing down at the group in wry amusement. “She has completed magic that eluded even the greatest conjurer in Equestrian history. I should know: I was there to see him fail, and Princess Twilight succeed.”

“I haven’t seen this sort of magic before,” Twilight said, backing up a little and gazing around at the realm of chaos that surrounded her. “How does it work?”

“But you…” The portraits of Discord disappeared, and in their place appeared a grayscale copy of Twilight. “You can’t even levitate so much as a teacup,” the duplicate said in Discord’s voice.

“Your magic isn’t following any of the underlying laws of magic I’ve hypothesized about,” Twilight said, closely examining her black-and-white copy. “I knew your magic was weird, but I didn’t think it was THIS different from what I’d managed to piece together…”

“Princess Twilight Sparkle, for all of her hilarious anxiety and Canterlot uppityness, is an impressive and powerful unicorn.” The copy of Twilight grew tall and large, its shadow engulfing all of The Shadowbolts, and sprouted a pair of alicorn wings. “But you...you’re just a pale imitation, aren’t you? A copy-paste without any of the heart of the original. Try as you might, you’ll always just be second-rate.”

“How does it work?” Twilight asked, stepping towards her looming, enormous doppleganger. “Tell me, how does your magic work?”

“Haaaaaaas anyone else noticed that Twilight doesn’t even seem to be listening to him?” Indigo Zap asked.

“How does it work?” Pale blue flames erupted around Twilight’s eyes, consuming her glasses and running up her horn. A pair of black, crow-like wings sprouted from her back and her eyes glowed blue.

“Huh?” Discord said, immediately reverting to his draconequus form. “What’s this?”

“Discord,” Sugarcoat said, in a bored tone, “Meet Midnight Sparkle.”

“I want to understand it,” Midnight Sparkle said as she rose from the ground. “Tell me, how does it work?”

“Great,” Lemon Zest said, crossing her forelegs and pouting, “Now we get to deal with this again.”

“How does your chaos magic work?” Midnight Sparkle said again, impatience making its way into her voice. Portals opened up around them, cutting through the swirling darkness and revealing a brightly colored world on the other side. Her horn glowed brighter and charged with bright, magical energy. “Tell me, or I’ll dissect you like a lab rat to figure it out!” A blue pillar of energy flew from her horn at Discord.

“Whoa!” Discord said, jumping aside to dodge the blast of energy. “Where’s all this coming from? THIS world’s Twilight would never-”

“I’m not this world’s Twilight,” Midnight Sparkle said, rising up and gathering more energy in her horn. “And I WILL understand you, Discord. If I have to find the secret in your bones. In your DNA. If I have to take you apart and categorize the QUARKS to figure out how you work, I will. I wi-OW!”

“Bad!” Sour Sweet said as she whacked Midnight Sparkle over the head with a rolled-up newspaper. “Stop that! Stop tearing apart the fabric of time and space this instant!”

“Ow! Girl, I will tear you to pieces! I will-ow, ow! Stop that! Stop hit-ow! Ow, ow, okay, okay, geeze…”

Twilight fell back to the ground, covering her head where Sour Sweet was hitting her with the newspaper. Her wings vanished in a burst of blue flames, her horn returned to its normal, unwarped purple, and the flames surrounding her glasses vanished.

“Huh,” Sunny Flare said, “I guess we really did need it later…”

“My head…” Twilight whined as she rubbed her mane.

“Where’d you get the idea to snap her out of it with a newspaper?” Indigo Zap asked.

***One week earlier

“Bad, Sour Sweet!” Sunset Shimmer said as she smacked Sour Sweet over the head with a newspaper. “Bad!”

“Ow!”

“We do NOT play with mysterious books we find right outside the portal to Equestria!” Sunset Shimmer held up a green and gold book with one hand and hit Sour Sweet again with the newspaper. “And we do NOT use it to turn people into mice because they cut you in line!”

“Ow, ow! Okay, okay, I’m sorry! Just stop-ow!”

***

“Lucky guess.”

“What WAS that?” Discord asked. He gently floated down to the ground, and the world around them faded away until the group found themselves standing on a sunny hill back in Equestria. “This world’s Twilight never tried to dissect me out of pure, morbid curiosity.”

“Yeah…” Twilight said as she rubbed her temples. “Sorry about that...I’ve sort of got this split personality...thing? There was a magic absorbing spectrometer, a-and weird Friendship Magic. And then these girls sang a song, or something…” The other Shadowbolts looked around guiltily. “It’s a long story, I guess, but I’ve usually got it under control. Sorry about that.”

Discord gave a wide grin. “Don’t be,” he said. “I was right,” he said, “you aren’t Princess Twilight Sparkle.” He gave Twilight’s mane a little ruffle. “You’re far more interesting.”

“So, hey,” Indigo Zap said. “Midnight Sparkle was able to at least manage a blast of magical energy. Think you can remember how she did it?”

Twilight considered this for a moment, then closed her eyes and focused. Her horn glowed blue and, as she swung it forward, a line of blue energy shot out of it and into the sky.

“Whoa…” Lemon Zest said.

“Hey, hey!” Indigo Zap said enthusiastically. She flew into the air, grabbed the nearest cloud and centered it in the sky relative to Twilight. “Two bits says you can’t hit this cloud!”

Twilight gave a confident little smile. “You’re on,” she said, and threw another blast of magic into the air, hitting the cloud dead-center and breaking it apart into small tufts of white smoke.

“Beginner’s luck,” Sour Sweet mumbled, then added. “But SUCH a great job, Twilight!”

“Okay, okay,” Indigo Zap said, grabbing another cloud and centering it, just a little further away. “Double or nothing on this one.”

Twilight proudly threw back her head, charged her horn, threw it forward, emitting a long beam of blue energy, and-

***

“Okay,” Celestia said, sitting on her throne and looking at the small crowd that had been assembled before her, “I take it you all know why we’re here?”

There was some soft mumbling between The Shadowbolts, a general mixture of complaints and deflection that swirled together into an amorphous sound blob. “Right,” Celestia said, “Just to review...apparently, you caused a tornado in The Everfree Forest…”

Indigo Zap and Lemon Zest gave each other a guilty look.

“That destroyed several beaver dams and animal burrows, knocked over a large number of trees, and dropped an Ursa Minor square into the center of neighboring Ponyville.”

Both Indigo Zap and Lemon Zest stared at the reflective floor of the Canterlot Castle throne room, unable to make eye contact with the tall, white pony that was passing judgement on them. But even as they avoided her gaze, they both simultaneously lifted a hoof and gently tapped them together.

“NO HOOF-BUMPING!” Luna said, employing the, until recently, retired Royal Canterlot Voice.

“Then there’s this report,” Celestia said, lifting up a paper from a large stack on a nearby table, “of a ‘weird magic portal thing’ that appeared in the middle of Appleloosa, and emitted a large blast of magical energy that blew up a newly-raised barn?”

Twilight looked down at the floor and mumbled, “Please don’t tell my parents, please don’t tell my parents, please don’t tell my parents…”

“Then, apparently, ANOTHER, similar blast of energy apparently hit a diplomatic convoy from the griffins,” Celestia went on. “Which, according to your statements, was because you wanted to…‘settle a bet’?”

“Told you that first hit was beginner’s luck,” Sour Sweet said.

“And while all of THIS was happening, Canterlot was being torn apart by an ancient, eldritch horror beyond our understanding, and you, Discord, just decided to...leave us to it?”

Discord waved his paw dismissively. “Don’t be so dramatic,” he said. “You girls had it under control. How long did it take for Twilight and her friends to get rid of that thing?”

“NEARLY FORTY-FIVE MINUTES!” Luna shouted.

“Sweet Celestia!” Discord said, his eyes wide with horror.

“Must be the end of a season,” Sugarcoat said.

“And THEN there’s the unpleasantness that happened when you were SUPPOSED to be apologizing to the representative of the griffins for blowing up their caravan.” All eyes immediately turned to Sugarcoat, who gave a little shrug.

“All I said was that she looked awful,” Sugarcoat said. “And she did.”

“BECAUSE HER CARAVAN HAD JUST BEEN DESTROYED!” Luna yelled.

“Luna? Sister?” Celestia said, gently placing a hoof on Luna’s shoulder. “Could you give it a rest with the Royal Canterlot Voice?”

“IT IS BACK IN STYLE!”

“This goes beyond simple property destruction, and into the category of international incident,” Celestia said. “And that’s not even mentioning THIS train wreck.” She gestured over to the far side of the throne room, where four, nearly identical brown earth ponies in blue suits were standing.

“Technically Legal, here,” the first pony said. “And these are my brothers: ‘Barely’, ‘Arguably’, and ‘Kinda’.” He flipped a business card over to Twilight, who picked it up and read it out loud.

“Law Firm of Legal, Legal, Legal, and Legal: Let’s try to focus on the 50% of our lawyers who AREN’T disbarred.”

“We’re here representing the victims of the Ursa Minor-slash-random energy blast incidents from earlier today,” he said. “We are suing the nation of Equestria for a million bits in reparations for their mental anguish.”

“A million bits!” Indigo Zap yelled, grabbing her face in shock. “That’s...that’s…” she considered this, then turned to the rest of The Shadowbolts. “Actually, how much is that? Is that, like, a lot?”

“It’s unclear,” Sugarcoat said. “Depending on the day, you might be able to buy, like, a cherry with that.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “I believe the nation of Equestria has already agreed to pay for any destruction of property, and for any hospital bills...though, granted, no one was actually hurt, so we haven’t had to actually pay out on any hospital bills, but still. The offer was there.”

“That is not the point,” Technically Legal said. “The point is the mental suffering of our clients! Never being able to sleep easy again, with the knowledge that-”

“Wait...weren’t you disbarred?” Luna asked. “You and your brother, Barely Legal, right?”

Technically Legal shook his head. “Just Barely,” he said.

Luna tilted her head. “Well, it does not matter if you were just barely disbarred. If you were disbarred, you can’t bring a case to court.”

“No, I mean, I wasn’t disbarred.”

“Only Barely was disbarred?”

“Well, Kinda.”

“How can one ‘kind of’ be disbarred?”

“No, no. I mean, just Barely and Kinda were disbarred.”

“Even if it was just barely,” Luna said, “even if you were only technically disbarred, you can’t bring a case to-”

“No, it wasn’t only Technically,” Arguably Legal spoke up. “It was Kinda and Barely. Technically’s not disbarred.”

“They’re technically not disbarred?” Luna asked. “Was it reversed on appeal or something?”

“No, no,” Arguably said. “Look, I-”

“Is it always this bad when you guys go to court?” Sour Sweet asked. Barely Legal nodded.

“It’s even worse when we bring our paralegal,” he said. There was an expectant pause, interrupted only by the banter between Luna and the rest of the Legal family in the background. “...aren’t you going to ask what HIS name i-”

“No,” Sugarcoat said, quickly. “No, we are not.”

“Fine,” Barely said, crossing his hooves childishly. “...It’s ‘Eye Object’, though.”

“‘Eye Object’…” Sour Sweet said out loud, then glared at Barely Legal. “I hate you,” she said.

“We just took on a receptionist, too,” Barely Legal said, giving a wide grin. “Ask me what HIS name is,” he said.

Lemon Zest gave an exasperated sigh. “Fine. What’s your receptionist’s name?”

“...it’s Tom,” Barely Legal said.

“Huh…” Sour Sweet said. “I was expecting more of a punch line there.”

“They can’t all be winners,” Barely Legal said.

“-don’t care if it’s ‘Arguably’ reversible, unless you have actually gotten the disbarment reversed, you can’t-”

“Alright,” Celestia said, interrupting. “Before this goes any further, let me ask you all a question. Have any of the victims of this afternoon’s...events actually ASKED you to file suit for them?”

Technically Legal stood up straight and tall. “My clients are not in the right state of mind to know that they SHOULD be filing suit,” he said. “Hence why we have taken the initiative to file on their behalf.”

“I see,” Celestia said. “Then, I hereby dismiss your case.”

Technically Legal gave an offended gasp. “On what grounds?” he said, in a demanding tone.

“On two,” Celestia said, raising a hoof in an explanatory gesture. “First, this is a monarchy. And secondly, I control the sun.”

There was a long, silent pause, where Technically Legal considered this new information. Finally, he said in a meek tone, “Law Firm of Legal, Legal, Legal, and Legal would like to hereby withdraw its case.”

“Smart choice,” Celestia said. She turned back to The Shadowbolts. “As for you,” she said, “I have your sentence to be handed down.”

“Please don’t tell my parents,” Twilight mumbled, “Please don’t tell my parents, please don’t tell my parents…”

“You six are to be banished from Equestria!” she said, in a firm, authoritative tone. “Returned to your home world, immediately, and barred from re-entry!”

Luna looked to Celestia in shock. “Sister…” she said, some doubt and pity making its way into her voice.

“B-banished?” Twilight stuttered. “B-b-b-but…”

“...for one day,” Celestia added, in a much gentler voice.

“Huh?” The Shadowbolts said in unison.

“That’s...not really a punishment,” Sugarcoat said.

“That’s just ‘going home’,” Indigo Zap added. Celestia gave a small, motherly smile.

“Do you six really think you are the first little ponies who have caused a little trouble here?” she asked. “I have gotten quite used to understanding when young ponies act a little rambunctious.”

“Well,” Discords said, stretching and starting to walk off, “guess I’d better get back to my realm and all. No reason for me to stay-”

“Oh,” Celestia added, casually but with a coy smile, “and Discord. I’m telling Fluttershy all about this.”

Discord immediately fell to the floor, weeping. “NO, PLEASE, I BEG YOU! ANYTHING BUT THAT! HAVE MERCY!”

Author's Note

Hello!

Okay, so I've wanted to write this story for a while...I've alluded to it a few times, but I never really felt like I had enough material for it until now. It was a lot of fun to write, even if it did take way longer than I'd expected :twilightsheepish: I really hope you enjoy it!...and enjoyed the return of The Legal Family (they seemed at least kind of popular when they showed up in "Sunlight at the Grand Galloping Gala", so I thought I'd take another shot at writing them...hope they haven't overstayed their welcome! :rainbowlaugh:

Thanks for reading!