A Princess, a Magician, and an Exile Walk Into a Bar

by Sporktacles

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Trixie, Comedy, Sex, Sunset Shimmer, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 14771

Sunset, Trixie and Luna meet in a bar for drinks every week.

Princess Luna, Sunset Shimmer, and the Great and Powerful Trixie meet in a bar every Friday for drinks and to chat.

This is what they chat about.

An episodic story updated whenever I think of anything new. Will probably never be marked "Complete".

Rated Teen and Sex for risque conversations. No actual sex. Has a little Sunlight shipping; as usual, I cannot help it.

Cover image compiled using the super-cute vectors created by arifproject and used with permission. Go take a look at all his adorable art!

Many thanks to FanOfMostEverything for being kind enough to preread the first three five all the chapters for me!

Published 2017-06-01 18:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-16 16:09:12 UTC

Beer and Family

It was a Friday night, relatively quiet by Ponyville standards. Most of the town's residents had long retired to the privacy of their homes, but a quaint little bar not far from Carousel Boutique remained open despite the late hour.

Cherry Berry’s bar was a very cozy and humble affair, filled with low-key small-town goodness far beyond what would be expected from the only watering-hole in Ponyville – luxurious paneled flooring, comfortable booths for privacy, dartboard, pool table, the works. Indeed, it saw more than a brisk business, and it wasn’t purely because Cherry had a rabid passion for expanding her selection of booze that only a special talent for alcohol could bestow.

Imagine, if you will, an otherwise-quiet town where incidents of megafauna attacks, Chaos Gods dropping by for tea, and the eccentricities of a frequently-overreacting alicorn princess were a weekly occurrence, so regular that one could set a calendar by them.

Now imagine how much the local ponies would drink to get over it.

*THWOOM!*

Suddenly, the doors were flung open with such force that they practically imploded into the bar, causing several of the regulars to nearly leap out of their seats in panic.

"HUZZAH! This establishment is indeed still open!"

Several seconds passed before the patrons could recover from the shock and peer towards the entrance in curiosity. Through the doorway strode a very chipper Princess Luna, completely oblivious to the commotion she had caused. Sensing the attention upon her, she smiled regally and waved.

Behind her was a very much less oblivious Sunset Shimmer, who grinned sheepishly at Cherry.

Nevertheless, Cherry was, if nothing else, a conscientious hostess. She grabbed a couple of menus and quickly glided out from behind the counter, guiding them towards one of the empty booths.

“Good evening, Your Majesty. Hi, Sunset," she said, as the two quickly made themselves comfortable, "it’s a little late, so I’m afraid the cook’s already gone home, but we still have drinks. Would you like to order right now, or shall I come back in a bit?”

A dark blue aura surrounded the menu and raised it before Luna. But it took only a brief glance for her expression to quickly harden, and in a frosty voice, she said curtly, “I will decide on my beverage in due time. Thank you, bar pony.”

Cherry bowed and quickly retreated.

Luna slowly lowered the menu, staring majestically as she watched Cherry go.

“There is something of which you must know, Sunset Shimmer.”

Sunset sat up. “Yes?”

“Before I continue, it is vital that you understand: in ages past, the palates of my sister and I were considered the very pinnacle of Equestrian refinement.” Luna turned to face Sunset, chin slightly raised. “Ours was the standard by which good taste was measured; entire cultures revolved around what we did and did not favor. And while I have since learned that modern Equestria does not hold us in the same paramount regard, Celestia still takes a great deal of pride in knowing, at all times, that which is considered best and greatest.”

“Okay…”

“So I hope that you will understand my consternation…” Luna suddenly leaned in close and dropped her voice to a whisper, “when I say I have no idea what anything on this menu is.”

Sunset blinked. “Uh, what?”

“This menu! It is entirely Minoan to me. What, pray tell, is an Alchemist’s Focal Banger? Or an Iron Neighden Trooper? What could possess a pony to name a drink a Clown Shoes Undead Party Crasher? Attached to most of these is a label declaring them ‘Highly Recommended!’, yet I have not the faintest idea what they are!”

Sunset shook her look of surprise away. “Ah… okay, look.” She pointed at a different section of the menu. “Ponyville is kind of famous for apples, so Cherry stocks mostly local hard cider. I’m having a Toffee Apple’s Private Stash, which is brewed by one of Applejack’s cousins. I really recommend that, if you’re not sure.”

“I see. While I trust it is most delicious, my tastes tend more towards the bitter.”

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Okay. Cherry also stocks a huge list of craft beers. They’re supposed to be pretty good, even though I’ve never had any. There’s like, hundreds of microbreweries run by just about every pony with a beer-related special talent, so lots of them have really weird names to stand out. I’m not that familiar with most of these, but if you like bitter drinks, I think you should try one of the BPAs.”

“BPAs?”

“Brahmindian Pale Ales. They’re supposed to be crazy bitter.”

“I was unaware that cows had a significant beer-brewing culture.”

“They actually do, but these aren’t brewed by cows. These are brewed by ponies in the style of a beer that was first made for cows in Brahmindia. The Focal Banger is one of these.”

Luna looked over the menu several times, then shrugged and let it drop onto the table. “Very well. I shall sample one of these Bangers.”

Sunset called Cherry over, and made their order.

Once they were again alone, she turned back to Luna. “So uh, I was just wondering, if you don’t mind...”

“Yes, Sunset?”

“Well, I was just curious– I mean, I get that it's not often that I stay over at Twilight's castle, but… why did you jump into my dream and wake me up to go to a bar?”

“Ah. I do apologize for your abrupt rising.”

“It’s okay. I was just a little… surprised.”

***

“Oh, dear Sunset Shimmer! How long have I awaited this day!”

Sunset gasped as a maniacally beaming Luna plucked her straight out of bed, swinging her around in an exuberant hug. Surprisingly, the crushing grip of a warrior princess’s forehooves, the agony of being nearly suffocated, and the sudden invasion of her precious personal space didn’t quite allay Sunset’s terror from her unexpected awakening. She struggled to break free from Luna’s hold, but only succeeded in flailing vainly against the unnatural strength of the squeeing alicorn.

Fortunately, after about twenty or so seconds of being spun and squeezed like an enthusiastic foal’s plush doll, the hug relaxed. Luna grinned cheerfully, smooshing Sunset’s cheeks between her hooves.

“EEEE! So adorable you are! Every bit as chubby-cheeked as in your… photographs! D’aaw, pinch them all day, I could!”

Her lungs finally free, Sunset gasped through several mouthfuls of air. She endured a few more moments of having her face abused into yet more cute-looking shapes for Luna’s benefit, before finally managing to get in a word.

“Uh, l-look, I’m really glad you’re not as scary as I thought, b-but aren’t we being just a little bit too familiar here?”

Luna paused for a moment, surprised. “Do you not know who I am, Sunset?”

“I-I think? You’re Nightmare Moon. I’ve read a ton of books about you.”

Luna’s face instantly fell. She unceremoniously allowed to Sunset drop onto the bed, and slouched back on the floor.

“I… that explains why you fear me so. You are correct, in a way. No doubt those books spoke quite candidly of my many crimes,” she said, murmuring sadly.

“Ah… yeah. I mean, Celestia trained me for years to fight you, until I… flunked out. Though, I’m sure you know all about that, Your Highness.”

“Indeed. But there is no reason to fear me any longer. And please, call me Luna.”

“Wait… Luna?” Sunset immediately looked the alicorn up and down, paying special attention to her blue coat and starry mane.

“Aye. To my shame, I styled myself Nightmare Moon whilst wallowing in my anger and self-pity. Luna is the name I was born to, and the name to which I answer now.”

“Uh… you wouldn’t by any chance happen to be Princip-er, Princess Celestia’s sister, would you?”

Luna nodded solemnly. “Yes. We ruled Equestria together a thousand years ago until... ah, Sunset?”

Before her, Sunset appeared to have frozen solid in a state of wide-eyed slack-jawed shock. Luna waved a hoof in front of Sunset’s face, to no response. She found it disturbing that she could almost hear a soft sound of ticking, or the turning of gears, coming from inside Sunset’s head, but was somewhat more alarmed when wisps of smoke beginning to seep out of the unicorn’s ears.

Sunset was apparently thinking very hard.

Nightmare Moon is Princess Luna.

Princess Luna is Princess Celestia’s Sister. Hence, Nightmare Moon is Princess Celestia’s Sister.

Princess Celestia raised me to fight Nightmare Moon. Hence, Princess Celestia raised me to fight…

“SON OF A BI-”

***

Shortly afterwards...

“I am uncertain why you vent your anger against the name of puppies.”

Luna watched patiently even as Sunset ignored her question; the unicorn paced furiously around the room, working herself into a solid rage. Sunset had clearly forgotten all sense of fear or decorum and the kind of facial expressions she was making could honestly be best described using adjectives normally associated with live explosives.

“SHE TRAINED ME TO FIGHT YOU BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T HAVE THE OVARIES TO FACE HER OWN SISTER!”

Luna took a deep breath and nodded sadly. “Celestia has never been willing to lay a hoof on me. Even a thousand years ago, when I left her little choice, she never fought back except with the Elements of Harmony as a last resort.”

“AARGH!” Sunset stomped her hooves into the ground, cracking the crystal floor. “She’s always doing this sort of thing!” She reared up, flailing angrily at the air with her forehooves, but then stopped herself. She gritted her teeth and began breathing deeply. “No. I must not rage. Rage is the mind-killer. Rage is the little death that brings total obliteration…”

Luna raised her eyebrows curiously as Sunset continued mumbling inaudibly.

“You do not get along with Celestia?”

“…be nothing. Only I will remain.” Gradually, Sunset’s breathing slowed to normal and her face returned to calm. Sighing, she leaned against her bedpost, spent from the earlier outburst. “No. No, I don’t. I mean, part of it was my fault. I was- am a very rebellious teenager. We’ve been arguing ever since I stopped being a little foal.”

Luna didn’t answer for a few minutes, quietly regarding the unicorn standing tiredly opposite her. Eventually however, she nodded to herself, as if coming to a decision.

“I should like to be friends with you, Sunset Shimmer.”

Sunset looked up with widened eyes. “Uh, okay? I mean, this is a bit of a first. Nopony’s asked to be my friend in ages. All the friends I have now were kind of roped into it by Twilight. Or are Twilights. Long story.”

Now it was Luna’s turn to look surprised. “Do you not try to make friends on your own?”

“Well, I’m constantly surrounded by the same students I kind of tried to mind-control back when I had my little temper tantrum. I mean, they don’t hate me anymore, but you have no idea how hard it is to become close when they’ve all seen you taken over by that horrible evil part of you that you keep hidden deep inside because it wants to enslave everything…”

Luna cocked her head to one side and smiled sympathetically.

Sunset facehoofed. “…Right. I feel really stupid now.”

***

Luna stretched herself as best as she could in the tight confines of the bar booth, chuckling quietly. “As I said, I am very sorry for your rude awakening. And the answer to your question is quite straightforward, Sunset. Celestia told me a great deal about you, after your dramatic appearance during the Princess Summit–”

Sunset blushed and lowered her head.

“–and I wished to meet you. But of course, that was impossible for a long time, since you remained in the strange other-dimension after Twilight returned with her crown. Therefore, I was much surprised tonight to discover the presence of your dream – and that you were a guest at the Castle of Friendship.”

“Ah, yeah.” Still blushing, Sunset explained, “Twilight lets me stay over whenever I want to uh… visit Equestria. The portal in her library leads right to my school, so I can go back first thing in the morning.”

“I see. Twilight Sparkle is truly a wonderful friend to have. Indeed, she asked me about you just earlier, when I came to see you.”

***

“Oh yes, Sunset Shimmer is right upstairs. Actually, Prin- uh, Luna, now that you mention it, there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask…”

“Certainly, Twilight. You are always welcome to ask anything of me…”

“Oh good. It’s about Princess Celestia and Sunset Shimmer.”

“…t-though I might not be able to give you an answer,” said Luna hastily. “Depending on the question, of course.”

***

Sunset’s eyes widened in horror. “Did… did you tell her?”

Luna smiled. “I explained that your relationship with Celestia is something she should discuss with you, and not me.”

“Huh? That’s… thanks for keeping that private, but it- that’s not what I was asking about.”

“It isn’t? What then?”

“I was referring to, um…” Sunset scratched her fetlocks nervously, “…what you saw in my dream.”

“Oh.” Luna blushed. She stared at the ceiling, taking a sudden interest in the rafters. “Of-of course I said nothing – I retain strict confidentiality while carrying out my duties in the realm of dreams! And in any case, there is no disgrace in being so smitten with one who has been so kind to you.”

Sunset’s cheeks were red as beets. “Yeah… look, it’s still kind of embarrassing, and the last thing I want is for Twilight to know who – and what – I was dreaming about…”

Luna tried her best to sound comforting. “You are a healthy young mare and this sort of dream is entirelynormal for one your age. Even if it was a great deal more ah, exuberant than is usual.”

Sunset whimpered. “O-okay, I think maybe we should change the subject…”

“There is naught to be ashamed of! Verily, t’was the most creative employment of an avocado that I had ever witnessed.”

“Please don’t say any more about it.”

“I was not even aware that custard could be used that way.”

The look of pure humiliated agony on Sunset’s face prompted Luna to stop talking. A tense quiet settled on the booth, except for the faint sound of Sunset scratching the table.

“Here are your drinks,” said Cherry, smiling in a way she hoped was acceptable for royalty.

“Oh gosh, thank you, Cherry. Your timing is impeccable,” said Sunset gratefully. She practically snatched up the massive mug with her hooves, forgetting about her magic in the rush, and chugged the lot.

Cherry’s and Luna’s eyes widened as the long stream of alcoholic beverage throbbed through Sunset’s gullet.

“Woo…” muttered Sunset, wiping her muzzle once she was finally finished. “Okay. Better now.”

Cherry smiled cautiously. “Uh, would you like me to bring you another?”

“Yes. Please.”

Once Cherry left, Luna turned back to Sunset. “I find myself apologizing again. It was not my intention to inflict you with such discomfort.”

“Don’t mention it. Seriously, please don’t mention it anymore. Or to anypony.”

Luna nodded. “Well, in any case, we are here specifically because I had no wish to trouble you with travel to Canterlot.” She took a short gulp from her glass. “And sin- EGADS!”

Sunset’s head whipped upwards to look right at Luna.

Luna was staring, wide-eyed, at her glass. She slowly brought up a hoof to point at it.

“This is-this is…” she babbled. “This. THIS!”

A single tear spilled down Luna’s cheek.

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Uh, are you okay?”

“This, Sunset… is the greatest drink I have ever been so blessed to imbibe!”

“Really?”

“Indeed!” Luna drew her forehooves close to her chest, shaking them excitedly. “I had thought the art of distilling perfected a thousand years ago. Never have I been so happy to be wrong! Oh…” She pulled the glass out of the air using her hooves and eagerly took another mouthful of the golden liquid, shuddering with delight. “This is perfect…”

“Wow. I’m… I’m glad you like it. I had no idea BPAs were so good.”

“Have you not sampled this most excellent of ambrosias, Sunset?”

Sunset shook her head. “I’m not usually one for bitter drinks.”

Luna quickly pushed her glass across the table. “It would be a crime - a crime, I say! - if this taste of Elysium never crossed your lips. Please, partake in some of mine.”

Sunset picked up the glass with her magic, shrugged, and took a sip.

“NGYAAAAAARRGH!”

Sunset’s tongue spilled out from her mouth, her face contorting into a grimace of pure disgust. She put the glass down in a hurry.

Luna started slightly at Sunset’s reaction. “Ah... I take it that your tastes are very sensitive to bitterness…”

“Ih wa ah seh.” Sunset clawed vainly at her tongue with her flat hooves, desperately trying to scrape the taste off. “It’s what I said.” She made an extremely impolite sound from her throat, attempting to force the remaining drops out. “Oh stars, it’s like somepony ground up raw coffee, ginseng, and pure unsweetened cocoa powder and boiled the lot in quinine.”

“Don’t exaggerate, you big baby,” said Cherry Berry, walking up and putting another mug on the table. “That’s not even close to the bitterest beer we have.”

“Are you truly claiming,” said Luna, grinning with unconcealed joy, “that your cellars hold ales of yet greater delectation than this?”

Sunset grabbed the mug of cider and gulped down a mouthful. She whimpered as she swallowed. “Nngh. My taste buds feel like they’ve been pulled out with a tweezer…”

Cherry rolled her eyes. “Enjoy your toffee-flavored candy drink, Sunset.” She turned to Luna. “And yes, Your Highness. I have about a hundred and fifty different beers here, including twenty or so BPAs - and half of them are more bitt- uh, bitterer than the Focal Banger.”

Luna’s grin widened considerably. “Clearly, Sunset Shimmer,” she said, draining her glass, “We must make our meetings at this bar a regular affair!”

Clothes

“So tell me, what is the human world like?”

Sunset sipped her cider thoughtfully while watching Luna sample her second drink. “Fast. As in, like Manehattan on caffeine. Their technology is way ahead of ours, and they use it mostly to speed up their way of life. And then they complain whenever they have to wait for anything.”

Luna licked the traces of ale from her lips, savoring the flavor. She smiled to herself in satisfaction before turning her attention back to Sunset. “What a colorful image that description brings to mind. I am surprised Twilight has not already managed to reproduce any of their inventions.”

Sunset shook her head. “It’s a lot harder than that. Human society is dependent on this black oil they dig out of the ground, which we don’t have much of. And physics doesn't work the same way in their dimension, either. It's like everything there is so much less… bouncy and stretchy.”

“A pity. It sounds as if that would make their world so much more dangerous.”

“It does. But gosh, the stuff humans make is just… crazy. When I first went through the mirror years ago, I was completely overwhelmed. Carriages that pull themselves. Big flat slabs of glass that work like movie-projector screens, getting those movies sent straight to their homes through metal cables. Little messenger boxes that can send a letter to anyone else who has one. It was like I suddenly jumped two hundred years ahead in the future.”

Luna chuckled. “I think I can understand how that feels.”

Sunset facehoofed. “Sorry. There I go, putting my hoof in my mouth again.”

“It is all right, Sunset. As I said, I sympathize. In truth, I too had a great deal of difficulty adjusting to a new world. Though the changes, I feel, have been largely for the better.”

“Really? What’s the best change?”

Without hesitation, Luna replied, “Flush privies.”

Sunset blinked. “A toilet flush?”

“Indeed.”

“Of all the incredible inventions of the past thousand years – including steam engines, movie projectors, and hot air balloons – you think the greatest is a commode that pours water on itself?”

Luna looked Sunset directly in the eye, suddenly very serious. “Sunset, I was and am a Princess of Equestria. I have magical power beyond that of normal unicorns and servants to cater to my every whim, should I so demand. And all that counted for naught against the embarrassment of having to hoof my chamber-pot to a maid every day.”

“I guess when you put it that way…” Sunset looked down at her cider. “Let’s change the subject. This is honestly the wrong topic while we’re having drinks. What about the biggest change you’ve experienced, then?”

Luna tapped her chin. “So many changes there have been. But perhaps… well, the first change that I truly noticed was possibly also the second-most shocking revelation I had in the modern day. And that… is the amazing lack of hindwear.”

“Hindwear? You mean, like, skirts?”

Luna nodded. “Historians might be intrigued to discover that at the moment Nightmare Moon appeared in Ponyville and declared her ascendency, the one thought going through her head was, ‘Why is nopony in this room wearing pants?’”

“Uh… but weren’t you naked, too? I mean there’s books depicting both Nightmare Moon and Celestia without clothes even a thousand years ago.”

“Ah. An explanation is in order, I believe. You see, Sunset, before my exile, nudity was largely an earth pony convenience, since getting dressed is difficult without magic or wings.” Luna absent-mindedly took another draught from her glass. “Though, the warriors under Commander Hurricane did occasionally go to war without hindwear as an intimidation tactic. I believe modern pegasi still retain some remnants of that in their culture.”

“So… unicorns were the only ones who constantly wore clothing?”

“Yes. It is not so surprising, is it? It was one of the ways by which the nobles of old could easily display their wealth, since clothing was expensive – sewing machines having not yet been invented. In fact, it may amuse you to know that at one time, Canterlot was the center of clothing fashion in Equestria, not Manehattan.”

Sunset snorted. “I guess nobles never change. Is that why you didn’t follow those fashions?”

“Very much so. As I mentioned, Equestrian culture very often followed the whims of its princesses. To show the nation that all ponies were important to us, we chose to dress as the earth ponies did – we still wear symbolic ceremonial collars even though we of course do not pull ploughs. All in an effort to persuade ponies towards egalitarian nudity. To our surprise however, we encountered stiff resistance.”

“I can imagine.”

“With respect, dear Sunset, I do not believe you do. You see, at the time, the seamstresses of Canterlot city fell beneath a monopoly of a particularly greedy noble named Bossy Pants. Since promoting public nudity would have severely undermined her wealth, she rallied lingering tribist sentiments in aid of persuading unicorns to reject nudity and embrace ever more garish and complicated attire. It was a protracted and hard-fought battle of public opinion lasting decades, one that had yet to be concluded even at the time of my exile.”

Sunset frowned incredulously. “Wait, so one of Equestria’s longest political conflicts was to free ponykind from the tyranny of pants?”

Silence.

“You say that as if it was not of immense importance.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “You do realize that I have to wear clothes every day as a human.”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “I frankly do not. Of all the stories you and Twilight have brought of the human world, the fact that they wear clothes is not among them.”

“Right, sorry,” said Sunset. “Humans don’t grow coats, so they wear clothes at all times to keep warm – even in summer.”

“I see. I am surprised this was never mentioned, considering that amongst the first things one would notice about somepony is whether they are naked.”

“Like I said, once you see their technology, you tend to forget everything else. Anyway, back to the subject – I presume Bossy Pants eventually lost that battle.”

“Verily, it was Celestia who was at a disadvantage for the most part,” said Luna, with a smug grin. “Bossy Pants had vast wealth, the advantage of tradition, and far more to lose. But time, as always, was on my sister’s side. Eventually, a new generation of unicorns grew up to rebel against their parents, and it was they whom she won over in the end. I met Bossy’s descendant recently; I find Fancy Pants far more agreeable than his ancestor, even though the Pants family name seems so much less apt, in consideration of the fact that he apparently never wears any.”

“Huh.” Sunset took a swig of cider. “I guess if it went the other way, ponies today would be just like humans – wearing clothes all the time.”

“Fie on that! Nudity is a blessing that should not be so carelessly discarded!” Luna raised a hoof skyward, gesturing wildly. “Naked we were born into this world, and naked we should be as we live in it! Free, as we were meant to be, from the prisons of fabric! It is our privilege – nay, our right to remain unshackled by the bonds of cotton and wool! To feel the breeze caress our nethers as we proclaim our glory to all the world! Ponies everywhere should unite, I say, to reject the oppression of clothing and never don them again!”

***

Rarity dropped her needle, her work late into the night interrupted by momentary distraction. “What the– that’s odd. I feel a great disturbance… as if millions of potential fabulous outfits cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced...”

***

“You just hate getting dressed up for formal occasions, don’t you,” said Sunset flatly.

“Well… yes,” said Luna. “I consented, just once, to make an exception during Twilight’s coronation. ‘Twas a most uncomfortable ordeal of an evening. I mean the clothing of course, not the coronation. But that is beside the point! There are such practical benefits to nudity as well. No fumbling with garments to use the washroom. No having to deal with the irritating brush of fabric against one’s coat. And it makes flirting so much more straightforward!”

“Sure, I guess if you’re not used to– wait, what was that last one again?”

“Flirting, Sunset. Is it not earth pony custom, to point one’s posterior in the direction of a prospective paramour and flick one’s tail far and quickly enough so that they might catch just the briefest glimpse of one's–”

“Woah woah woah. Okay, look,” said Sunset very quickly. “Maybe it was the case a thousand years ago, but it hasn’t been done for centuries. Earth Ponies these days flirt just like everypony else.”

Luna sat up quickly.

“Surely you jest.”

“I’m totally serious. Flashing your pretzels at other ponies on purpose is considered really rude. Possibly even sexual harassment.”

“Oh.” Luna blushed. “I suppose, then, that there is a guardspony to whom I owe a sincere apology.”

Their booth settled into an awkward quiet.

“Okay, time to change the subject again,” said Sunset. “What was the, um… the first?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You said that that was the second most shocking revelation you had since returning from banishment. What was the first?”

“Ah, that,” said Luna.

The energy quickly drained from her face, and her shoulders slumped. She glanced out the window into the night sky, letting out a long sigh as she did so. “It was discovering that almost everypony I once cared about is long dead.”

“Oh.”

Luna raised her ale to her lips and finished the entire glass. “I am still visiting their graves one by one to apologize for my selfishness of a thousand years ago.”

Without another word, Sunset stood up, walked around the table, and pulled Luna into a hug.

They sat there in quiet until the bar closed.

Author's Note

"LOOK UPON MY VULVA, YE GREAT AND POWERFUL, AND DESPAIR!"

Enter Trixie

Sunset looked up into the evening sky. Equestria’s moon, full and huge and beautiful compared to its human-world counterpart, was still partway on its journey towards midnight, having risen only a few hours ago.

At least this week, it’ll still be pretty early when we start drinking.

She opened the door, walking towards the booth they had occupied the Friday before. The back of Luna’s tall head, adorned with her crown and starry mane, protruded above the seat, confirming that the princess had arrived early. But when Sunset turned into the booth, she was surprised to discover the presence of a very grumpy-looking third occupant.

“Sunset Shimmer,” spoke a voice practically dripping with acrimony. “We meet again.”

Sunset sat down and gave the sky-blue mare a solid once-over. There was something very familiar about her, but she couldn’t quite put her hoof on it.

“Do I know you?”

Luna smiled awkwardly. “Ah, Sunset. May I introduce Trixie, one of Starlight Glimmer’s friends and a savior of Equestria.”

“The Grrreat and Powerful TRRRIXIE! …Is well known all over Equestria for her feats of illusion and legerdemain!” She thumped her chest, as if the declaration was a challenge.

“Oh,” said Sunset. The name went a long way towards explaining that sense of familiarity. To tell the truth, the mare did look and behave an awful lot like the Trixie of Canterlot High. “I’ve been kind of… away. I really don’t think we’ve ever met.”

Trixie narrowed her eyes. “We were classmates at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.”

“Truly?” said Luna. “’Tis a small world indeed.”

“Sorry. It’s been years, and I had a lot of classmates.” Sunset scratched her head. “I really don’t remember.”

Outrage flooded Trixie’s face. “You stole Trixie’s lunch money every day for years!”

Sunset shrank as images of her old bullying days suddenly flashed into her mind. “Well, yeah. I kinda stole lunch money every day from every single pony in my class.”

Luna frowned. “I had heard you were a difficult student, Sunset, but why would you need so many bits? Did Celestia not grant you a modest allowance?”

“Well, the key word is modest.” An embarrassed redness crept onto Sunset’s cheeks. “And I liked having a really immodest lunch.”

“Of how immodest are we speaking, exactly?”

“Black truffles on poached eggs with stuffed Pintobellini mushrooms,” recited Sunset with an obvious practiced ease. “I had them every day at the palace mess.”

Luna let out an impressed whistle.

Trixie clearly wasn’t satisfied, flailing angrily at the air with her forehooves. “You gave Trixie a swirly every afternoon in the filly’s bathroom!”

“Okaaay… but you could have been any one of like, a dozen students.” Sunset strained to recall even one of their faces. “I mean, I made all of you line up outside the gym bathroom after school every day.”

“What, pray tell, is a ‘swirly’?” said Luna. “I am fairly certain that its meaning does not match that implied by its context.”

“Wait, what does it sound like I said?”

“Sunset, Trixie described you giving her a ‘swirly’ in the bathroom. One of which twelve teenaged fillies apparently lined up for daily.”

Sunset facehoofed. “Get your mind out of the gutter. A swirly is a bullying move where you shove a pony’s head into a commode and flush it.”

“Ah, I see.” Luna nodded sagely. “Yet another great virtue of the flushing privy.”

“Uh, yeah, I guess?” Sunset turned back to Trixie. “Look, I’m terribly, terribly sorry for all the trauma I inflicted on you as a foal, but I really don’t remember you, specifically.”

Especially since if I did, I would have recognized the human Trixie the first time I met her, she quietly muttered to herself.

“You bought Trixie a pair of oversized polka-dot undershorts and forced me to wear them to school, JUST SO YOU COULD PULL THE ELASTIC OVER MY HEAD AND HANG ME OUT THAT WAY OVER THE FRONT GATE!”

“That’s still like five different ponies.”

Luna stared incredulously. “That is an impressive dedication you had for inflicting suffering on your peers, Sunset.”

“Yeeeah.” Sunset smiled weakly. “I was kind of an overachiever in everything I did.”

“Is that why, as Twilight tells me, you were so successful in the human world as well?”

Sunset nodded. “Everyone wanted me as a friend, or at least, not a foe. I was worshipped at Canterlot High, and I’m only a junior.” She turned back to Trixie, only to be startled by the latter glaring at her with an intensity that could have incinerated a glacier.

Without breaking eye contact even for a moment, Trixie stood up, got out of the booth, and loudly stomped outside.

“Ooh. I feel really bad now,” said Sunset.

But before Luna could reply, Trixie stomped back into the bar, carrying a very ragged book barely held together with twine. On the front cover was the title “Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns”, and directly under that, “Yearboo–” with the rest scratched out by some kind of obvious mishandling.

“Woah,” said Sunset, “that looks like it’s been run over by a steamroller.”

“By an Ursa Major, actually,” replied Trixie curtly. She opened the pages and hoofed through its contents, finally stopping at one of the last few pages. She turned the book to face Sunset, pointing at a faded photograph of a class of teenaged foals. “THERE! This is Trixie in the second row! You, Sunset, are in the front, next to the teacher. Do you remember NOW?”

Sunset took a single glance at the bespectacled mare in the picture, and gasped loudly.

“Holy cow, YOU’RE Bibeloola?”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Bibeloola?”

“T-t-that is NOT Trixie’s name! Trixie was not called that at school by her mean classmates!”

Sunset rubbed her chin, realization quickly dawning as she compared the filly in the photograph to Trixie. “Oh my gosh, I totally see it now! You had your mane all tied up, and you wore those ridiculous glasses everywhere. No wonder I didn’t recognize you.”

Luna turned the book over, scanning the names at the bottom of the page. “Trixie, your real name is Beatrix Lulamoon?”

Trixie covered her face with her hooves and whimpered softly, “Trixie’s name is Trixie…”

Sunset tilted her head. “Actually, didn’t we also use to call you Spotty-Pants Gatecrasher?”

“NO!” Trixie jolted onto her hooves, practically spilling over with rage. “SUNSET SHIMMER! You will pay for the indignities that Trixie suffered at your hooves! Trixie demands that you step outside and grant her immediate satisfaction!”

“Okay, first of all, that is a seriously unfortunate turn of phrase,” said Sunset. She cringed as Trixie’s incensed glare intensified. “Uh, and secondly, while I’m years out of practice, we both know that you’re not going to beat me in a magic duel. Also, I’m kind of trying my best to be reformed now.” She bowed her head in shame. “Look, I’m really, really sorry I ruined your whole childhood, but I don’t wanna fight you.”

“Trixie spent years enduring your cruelty! The names you called Trixie stuck on long after you disappeared! It's part of why Trixie dropped out of CSGU! YOU REALLY THINK THAT A MERE APOLOGY WILL MAKE UP FOR EVERYTHING?”

“Will you feel better if I let you give me a swirly right now in the bar washroom?” offered Sunset.

Silence.

“…Really?”

“Totally. That’s how bad I feel about what I did.”

“Are you certain, Sunset?” said Luna. “A bar’s toiletry facilities are liable to be filthy.”

“Hey!” Cherry’s protest rang loudly from the direction of the bar. “I’ll have you know I clean those toilets well enough to eat off of!”

Trixie turned back towards Sunset. “Causing you discomfort and humiliation would bring Trixie some resolution to her traumatic school life…”

Sunset nodded. “It’s just once, but it’s still a kind of revenge. Then we can all go back to being friends.”

“We were never friends,” said Trixie. “But eh, why not.” She shrugged. “Let’s go.”

***

Minutes later…

The washroom door opened, and out stepped a very much humbler Sunset Shimmer, thoroughly soaked from the shoulders up. Her mane hung limply down her face, and she shivered from the cold. The entire bar turned to stare at her pathetic and disheveled appearance, having fully heard the commotion earlier and the accompanying frantic cries of ‘GLUB! GLUB! GLUB!’ coming from the washroom.

A widely grinning Trixie practically danced out behind her. “Whaddya know? That toilet really is that clean!”

Sunset slowly turned to face her. “Are we good now? I mean, do you feel well enough to forgive me?”

“Not so fast! Trixie wants a photograph to remember this by, in case of any spontaneous re-emergence of childhood trauma.” She ran out, returned with a camera, and cheerfully snapped off an entire roll of film’s worth of pictures.

Sighing happily, she nodded and said, “Okay. My demand for satisfaction has been officially met!”

“Trixie,” said Luna hesitantly, watching as Sunset miserably tried to wipe the water from her eyes, “I did not interfere because I sympathize greatly with your story of being bullied, and had no wish to deny Sunset an opportunity to seek her redemptions. But I find your unbridled glee at her humiliation, even if justified, to be perhaps just a little concerning.”

“Oh, please.” Trixie dismissed those very concerns with a wave of her hoof. “I know full well that Sunset here can clean herself up instantly with her magic.”

Sunset perked up. “Are you okay with that? I mean, I thought for a moment that you would have wanted me to spend the whole evening like this.”

“Eww, no. I have to sit with you in the same booth, remember? Cast your spell while I order us drinks from the bar.”

Sunset’s horn glowed, and mere moments later, she had been restored to her usual stunning self. She returned to the booth, much relieved, and sat down opposite Luna.

Some minutes later, Trixie returned carrying a little tray with her magic.

“One Clown Shoes Undead Party Crasher for Princess Luna, a double bourbon on the rocks for me, and a toffee-flavored candy drink for the big, bad bully,” said Trixie as she transferred the bottles and glasses onto the table. “Cherry told me what you two like. Drinks are on me tonight!”

Trixie positively beamed. This time, however, that smile contained no trace of Schadenfreude or the vengeance-fuelled malice that so filled her earlier tirade. Instead, it was reminiscent of the exact kind of smile, filled with relief and fulfillment, that only came at the end of a long journey or the completion of an arduous task. It was as if a burden of decades had sudden been lifted from her back.

She looked almost at peace.

Sunset smiled back.

Clubs

Luna took a sip of beer and smacked her lips. “We should form a club.”

“We should?” asked Sunset and Trixie simultaneously.

“Indeed! Trixie tells me she comes to Ponyville very often these days. We could make our visitations to this bar an official weekly event!”

“Err…” Trixie looked at Sunset with narrowed eyes. “I'm not sure. Simply because I’m not mad at Sunset anymore doesn’t mean I want to be her friend.”

“I understand.” Sunset smiled. “It’s a lot to have to put behind you.”

Luna sighed. “True enough. Sunset’s bullying was very much unacceptable. Especially since I gather that she singled out you, specifically.”

Sunset blushed. “I was a very emotionally insecure filly with severe anger issues and Trixie just happened to have the single most bullyable face in history.”

“Sunset! Do you truly wish to aggravate her after all your efforts to settle your differences?”

“Eh,” said Trixie evenly, “I get it, actually. I burned those glasses long ago. Trixie wears contacts now, her acne’s completely cleared up, and her gorgeous mane is the envy of mares everywhere!”

Bemused, Luna took a closer look at the photograph in the yearbook.

“Eugh!” She winced. “I concur. I hate bullying in all its forms, but your childhood countenance fills me with the urge to stuff a locker with it.”

“Why do you want us to form a club, anyway?” said Sunset. “There’s nothing wrong with just meeting up in Ponyville and having drinks.”

“I like clubs.” Luna pouted. “Celestia and I used to have one when we were younger, but we no longer fraternize as much as we used to. And I have read so much about secret clubs. We could have a secret hoofbump, or badges! And most importantly, our club could have a name!”

“THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE AND HER DRINKING BUDDIES!” declared Trixie. “I like the sound of that!”

Sunset and Luna slowly turned to her, clearly unamused.

“Oh fine, I’ll give you two equal billing.” Suddenly, her face fell and her ears drooped. “Well, uh… if we really end up being friends, t-there’s something you really need to know about me first.”

The other two gave her curious looks.

Trixe scratched her head nervously, eyes downcast. “I didn’t mention this before, but there was one time that I might have used an evil artifact and tried to enslave Ponyville.” She sighed. “I’m very sorry I did it, but I can understand if you don’t want to be friends with a pony with a past like that.”

Luna coughed. “I think everypony is well aware that I tried to overthrow my sister, conquer all of Equestria, and plunge it into eternal darkness. I would hardly be one to judge you, Trixie.”

“And I committed treason. Twice!” Sunset chuckled. “Once when I was just a foal, and the second time, I stole Twilight’s crown, turned into a demon, and tried to take over Equestria.”

Trixie stared at her incredulously. “…Why does Trixie suddenly feel like such an underachiever?”

“Oh!” Luna suddenly sat up. “I have it! We are a diverse group of ponies who have all once been seduced by dark magic! We should call ourselves… The Ensemble of Dark Horses!”

Sunset blinked. “I was going to say that sounds a little like a cheesy supervillain organization, but strangely, that somehow feels… metafictionally appropriate?”

“Uh, just a moment,” said Trixie. “Sunset turned into a demon and tried to take over Equestria? How did I never hear about that?”

“Oooh. It’s a little complicated.” Sunset tried to take another sip of cider, only to find her mug almost empty. She finished it and sighed. “I kind of used a magic mirror to flee to another dimension where I plotted to use the Element of Magic to turn a school full of sentient teenage apes into a mind-controlled army.”

“You’re joking.”

“Nope! Totally serious. I got crazy jealous of Twilight, stole her crown, and tried to use it to conquer Equestria just to prove that I was better than her,” said Sunset. “And then she kicked my flank six ways till Sunday, promptly forgave me, and now she lets me stay over at her castle whenever I want to visit Equestria.”

Trixie went quiet.

“…You were jealous of Twilight and went crazy trying to prove you were better than her?”

Sunset nodded. “It’s a long story. I have a lot of childhood issues.”

Trixie suddenly smiled and turned to the bar. “Cherry! Bring my new friend here another mug of cider!”

Cherry filled another mug from the tap and brought it over. Sunset took it gratefully, but turned back to Trixie with a curious look.

“What was that all about?”

“Just shut up and drink, Shimmer.”

“Very good!” said Luna, grinning madly. She raised her glass. “TO THE ENSEMBLE OF DARK HORSES!”

Trixie groaned and rolled her eyes. “You can call us that if you like, but please don’t ever shout it in public again.”

Punch

Luna sighed, pulling the blankets tighter around her. She squirmed under the covers, trying to get more comfortable, but her serenity was interrupted by a soft, pulsing headache.

It quickly accelerated into heavy throbbing and eventually, a thunderous pounding.

“Whu…”

The taste of her own morning breath made her gag.

“Hey Trixie, I think she’s awake.”

Luna looked up. The room was dark, except for a narrow stream of sunlight slipping between green curtains. Vaguely, she recognized the crystal walls of Twilight’s castle, but the voice had come from Sunset Shimmer, sitting tiredly on an armchair next to her bed.

“N-not so loud... What happened?”

“It's Saturday morning," whispered Sunset. "You had a little too much to drink, so Trixie and I brought you back here to sleep it off.”

Luna frowned, but creasing her forehead hurt so much that she was forced to rub her temples with her hooves.

“But… but I do not ‘have too much to drink’! My liver is famed throughout Equis! I felled the Dragon Lord Blaze in a drinking contest! I have emptied the Grand Winery of Minos! I-”

“You got completely smashed and passed out,” said Trixie, snickering as she walked into the room.

“I-I did?”

Sunset peered at her. “You don’t remember?”

***

“HUZZAH! Come, Trixie! Come, Sunset! Our newfound friendship demands a special commemoration! Bartender, kindly grace us with three glasses of the strongest liquor in your cellars!”

“Er…” Cherry bit her lip nervously. “There isn’t a doctor here tonight, so I can’t bring you that, but I do kind of have a cask of Minoan Brandy…”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “I do not understand. Your princess demands your best alcoholic beverage! Surely you don't wish to disappoint her?”

“Actually,” said Sunset quickly, “Maybe we’d be better off with the brandy. Everypony here knows that this is the only place in the country that stocks more than one bottle of Berry’s Punch, and I think we’d all be better off without that.”

“Truly?” Luna looked towards Trixie for support, but the magician merely nodded in agreement.

Unfazed, Luna waved a hoof in indignation. “My liver is famed throughout Equis! I felled the Dragon Lord Blaze in a drinking contest! I have emptied the Grand Winery of Minos! The reindeer raised a statue in honor of my prowess! I will not be intimidated by a drink!”

Cherry scratched her head. “All right, but I can’t legally serve it to you without a doctor in the house…”

“Fie on that! I am a Princess of Equestria! I am making an official exception! Special dispensation!”

“Oookay…” Cherry walked back to the bar and pulled out a bottle of clear liquid and a tray of shot glasses. She brought them over to their booth, but right after taking out the first shot glass, Sunset and Trixie vigorously shook their heads against the second.

“I’ll pass, thanks!”

“Sorry, but Trixie thinks she will prefer her bourbon!”

Luna frowned. “To so refuse a drink is a grievous breach of tradition. This beverage must be quite potent for both of you to fear it so.”

“Wait, you’ve never heard of Berry’s Punch?” said Trixie.

“Be fair, Trixie,” said Sunset. “It’s notorious, but still kind of a trivia question unless you live in Ponyville. I’d never heard of it until I started drinking here.”

Luna narrowed her eyes and levitated the bottle in front of her. On it was a label reading “WARNING: EXTREME FIRE HAZARD”.

Right under that, was the universal Equestrian symbol for poison, along with the words, “NOT TO BE CONSUMED BY NON-PONIES UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES”.

And right under that, “OR FOR THAT MATTER BY PONIES WITHOUT MEDICAL SUPERVISION – Permit 17A under the Prohibition of Biological Weapons Act”.

Her curiosity piqued, Luna whispered, almost in awe, “What is this drink?"

***

Berry’s Berry Smashing Knockout Punch occupied a thoroughly unique position in Equestrian bar lore. Part open secret, part urban legend, it was correctly rumored to be the single most potent alcoholic beverage ever devised by ponykind – a remarkable feat when one considers the sheer number of ponies that have special talents related to distilling.

Indeed, there was no shortage of wild speculation and ridiculous conjecture regarding its nature and origins – the kind that silly gits were liable to have when they’d got a few pints in and very loudly start having chest-thumping contests over the fortitude of their livers. But Berry Punch herself was always glad to clear up any of those mysteries, as long as the asker wasn’t too obnoxious. Or Prench.

One little secret was that the BBSKP was actually a “mere” seventy-two percent alcohol by volume and hence, surprisingly, just a tiny bit less alcoholic than some of its competitors.

The big secret was that the other twenty-eight percent was what ponies really ought to be worried about.

Its obscurity meant that its effects were somewhat difficult to ascertain, since everypony reacts differently to different drinks. Nevertheless, the results of contact between the beverage and vegetation (along with the surrounding soil) happened to be very well-documented indeed, which was part of the reason why Granny Smith had officially banned Berry Punch from drinking anywhere near the Apple family orchards.

Berry Punch first formulated the brew for the express purpose of winning the very first, and only, Equestrian Distiller’s Association’s Stiffest Drink Competition held in Canterlot. However, despite its notoriety amongst EDA members and bar owners, it never quite managed to enter the public consciousness, let alone adorn the collection of every idiotic frat-colt with more bravado than sense.

This was because, quite simply, the EDA’s inaugural Stiffest Drink Competition officially ended without a single declared winner – all six judges having been hospitalized from being, quote: “near-terminally sloshed”.

In all fairness, this wasn’t entirely the fault of the BBSKP. Somehow, nopony had quite managed to foresee the obvious end-result of judging a competition for the most lethal concoctions producible by the sixteen most exceptional distillers in the country.

***

“It's gin. Sort of?” said Cherry. “It's made from juniper berries. Well, mainly juniper berries. Punch keeps the recipe a tight secret.”

“Punch?”

“Berry Punch,” said Sunset. “Cherry’s sister. She’s got a cutie mark for drinking booze. And making it.”

Trixie nodded. “Sorry, Princess, your liver might be famous, but it’s still hard to beat a pony’s special talent. Unless you have the same special talent, of course.”

Cherry smiled. “Sis does kind of take her drinking seriously. I think she’s the only pony who can finish a whole bottle of this.” She took the bottle from Luna and gingerly poured out enough to fill a single shot glass. “Be careful not to spill any. We’ve lost a few trays that way.”

Luna snorted. “Perhaps this is the standard of strong drinks in Ponyville, but I am no ordinary pony. I have felled the Dragon Lord Blaze in-”

“Okay, I think we heard first time,” said Sunset. “Anyway, you’ve got what you wanted, and without a doctor around, even. Shall we make a toast?” She floated the shot glass over to Luna, but the latter did not take it.

Instead, Luna grumpily snatched up the bottle with her magic. “If Berry Punch can finish one of these, I am certainly equal to the task! Behold, Ponyville!”

“Wait!” cried Cherry, but it was too late.

Luna had pulled the bottle to her lips and gulped. After a couple of mouthfuls however, she stopped, bringing her hoof over to her chest and letting out a fit of coughing. “Ah… strong enough to burn even my throat. Truly a spirit worthy of the name…”

Horrified, Cherry glanced at the bottle floating in the air. Half of it was gone.

“Caramel?” she said, turning to a stallion sitting by the bar, “I think you should go wake Doctor Horse. Now.”

***

“In all fairness, after he examined you, he just recommended observation and an IV drip for dehydration,” said Sunset, pointing at the device next to her bed. “He's downstairs right now. I think Twilight is going to have a panic attack when she wakes up and sees him.”

Luna stared at the blankets she was wrapped in, regret covering her face. She had intended to fly back to Canterlot and resume her duties after the bar closed, but apparently she had managed to neglect the entire night’s worth of work.

“I am chastened. My arrogance overwhelmed my good sense, and I scoffed at Cherry’s warnings when I clearly should have known better. I must visit her later, to express my apologies.”

Trixie grinned. “I think Cherry’s just glad you’re alive. She was so terrified at the idea that she’d poisoned a princess.”

“To be honest, everypony was very impressed,” said Sunset. “You polished off half a bottle of Berry’s Punch in a single swig and aren’t dead. Cherry says even her sister usually paces herself slowly over the course of a few hours.”

“Nay, I thoroughly concede this fight,” said Luna. “Miss Punch is truly a commendable distiller and drinker." She winced and pressed both forehooves against her forehead. “By the stars, I have not had such a hangover, ever. Verily, it could make a minotaur weep. To brew and stomach such a drink, that could knock out an alicorn princess instantly-”

Sunset blushed and scratched her head. “Uh, actually, you didn’t quite pass out right away.”

Luna looked up. “I beg your pardon?”

Author's Note

It occurs to me that I really ought to post a warning on this sort of thing: please don't try this. People die of alcohol poisoning all the time because they thought it would be really awesome to try to drink Everclear straight or slam entire lines of tequila shots by themselves.

It's not. It's stupid, and all you do is make a fool of yourself.

Once, in a colossal bout of stupidity, I tried to finish a tray of leftover Bacardi 151 shots (I think it was three, after my friends and I had already had one each) - and I am a very petite person. I ended up puking on the john for hours, feeling violently ill for the next two days or so, and looking like a complete idiot in front of all my friends.

I've since sworn off drinking to excess forever.

Heat

“Eeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrgh.”

Sunset slumped onto the table, cheek pressed against its surface.

Trixie walked up to the booth and cheerily sat down next to Sunset. “Evening! What’s up with her?”

“Greetings, Trixie,” said Luna. The alicorn’s lips betrayed no trace of a smile, but the way her eyes twinkled strongly suggested she was giggling inside. “I believe that Sunset is distressed over her tri-weekly cycle.”

“Really?” Trixie looked down at the mess of red and yellow mane. “Why don’t you just get some medicine from the hospital?”

“Because I’m going back through the mirror tomorrow, and I don’t know if it might mess with my head.” Sunset groaned and sat up slowly. “Gah! Summer heats are the worst.”

“Agreed,” said Luna. “It is so much milder in autumn and winter. Unless, of course, one happens to be amongst those unfortunate enough to suffer an intense estrus regardless of season.”

“I’m one of them. And in summer it's even worse.”

Luna smiled sympathetically. “I returned from exile during the summer solstice. You can imagine how frustrated I was when I attacked Ponyville.”

Sunset smirked. “This gives an entirely new dimension to you noticing that nopony was wearing pants.”

“Excuse me,” said Luna huffily, “I would have you know that Nightmare Moon was a monomaniacal conqueror, not a pervert. I kept my urges firmly in check, thank you very much.”

Trixie tilted her head. “Uh, just a moment. What’s this about a mirror?”

“Oh, right,” said Sunset. “We still haven’t explained it to you. It’s… complicated. Short answer is: I live in another dimension and over there, everyp… everyone, myself included, is a hairless primate thing with a radically different biology.”

“Waaaaait… are these the apes you told me you tried to mind-control?”

Sunset nodded.

Trixie furrowed her brow briefly, but then shrugged. “Eh, fair enough. I’ve seen enough crazy stuff that I no longer question this sort of thing. But why would your medication cause you trouble?”

“Indeed, this question came to my mind as well,” said Luna. “I am appalled that Celestia would recommend it to me if there should be any cause for worry.”

Sunset scratched her forehead. “I forget how new this sort of thing is for you. Okay, look. The medication uses hormones to trick your body into thinking you’re pregnant, which is why you don’t go into heat. But I can’t take it, because I don’t know how magically-created hormones would affect me if they’re still in my system when I turn into a primate. And no, you don’t have to worry about it, because it’s totally safe for ponies.”

“Hmm…” Trixie rubbed her chin. “Don’t these primates have their own estrus cycles?”

“They have something similar, and their own ways of handling it. But right now, sticking a tampon up my cooter is pretty much going to do the opposite of what I’m hoping for.”

“What’s a tampon?”

“Forget it. The point is that it’s not going to work.” Sunset sighed. “If only ponies were like most animals… it would be so nice to go into heat only during the warmer months instead of all year round.”

“Ah.” Luna stared into her beer. “I am so sorry, Sunset.”

“Why? It’s not like it’s your fault.”

Luna said nothing.

“Wait…” Sunset narrowed her eyes. “Is it your fault?”

Luna chuckled nervously. “Ahaha… do you recall when I told you that there have been a great many changes since my banishment? Perhaps I might have neglected to mention that just one of those…” she sheepishly took a sip from her glass, “was the prevalence of our estrus cycles.”

“…Oh, great. I can already tell this is one of those things that’s going to require me being at least slightly drunk to handle.” Sunset rolled her eyes and began draining her nearly-full mug.

“Trixie is not comfortable with the idea that you might have messed with her mare bits!”

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no.” Luna shook her head quickly. “T’was nothing like that.”

Trixie breathed a sigh of relief.

“T’was Celestia who did it, not I.”

*PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!*

Sunset hurriedly wiped her mouth. “WHAT!?”

“That,” said Luna flatly, “was a commendable demonstration of – what do young ponies call it – a ‘spit-take’, Sunset.” She unhurriedly used several napkins to clean off the cider dripping from her face.

“Sorry,” said Sunset. “Reflex. What did you mean about Celestia changing our estrus cycles? Was it some kind of spell?”

“Nothing so dramatic.” Luna pushed the soaked napkins into a little pile to the side. “You see, in the years before my banishment, mares rarely went into heat outside of summer, late spring, and early autumn.”

“Really?” Trixie sat up, almost outraged. “That is so unfair! Have you any idea how inconvenient it is to have to regularly seek a hospital for estrus medication when you’re a travelling performer?”

“Trixie, I would remind you that a thousand years ago, mares did not have estrus medication at all. We had but a few crude spells to lessen its intensity.”

“Or even cruder spells to relieve it entirely – the other way!” Trixie giggled.

Luna sighed. “Yes, Trixie.”

“Of course, that way isn’t very effective, because you have to keep re-applying it!”

“You realize, we still had hooves for that,” Luna facehoofed. “In any case, it was commonly believed that wealthy mares were the only ones susceptible to estrus outside of the warm months, but it turns out we had missed the true cause of the problem.”

“Which was?”

Luna cleared her throat and declared, “Candles!”

“Uh, what?” Sunset blinked. “Are you saying I get horny because of hot wax? Don’t answer that question,” she said quickly, as Trixie gleefully opened her mouth to speak.

“Light, Sunset. Our bodies do not come with internal calendars. Instead, the length of the day is measured using the light that our eyes detect. Artificial lighting has confused this mechanism, making our bodies believe it is close to summer all year round. I am surprised that you did not know this already, being as studious as you are.”

“Hey, gimme a break. I was just a filly when I ran away, and haven’t been back until recently. I did a little basic research when I had my first heat, but all this is like, ancient history.”

“Fair enough, I suppose,” said Luna. “Regardless, I am sure you are aware that ponies used to sleep early to save on precious firewood. Minotaurs invented the candle and wick, but because ponies of course prefer not to involve animal fat in its manufacture, the use of acceptable substitutes made them expensive, and hence a luxury until recently.”

Trixie coughed. “Uh, so why is any of this your fault, again?”

“Ah, yes.” Luna took a sip of beer. “One evening shortly after my return, I was having trouble with my estrus. I had nopony else in the palace to discuss this with, so I confided in my sister. This was very difficult, because Celestia can be rather prudish when it comes to sex-”

“Oh yeah, totally,” said Sunset.

Luna snickered softly. “Indeed. Painful as it was, Celestia explained modern developments to me. It turns out that she had, for centuries now, been affording generous subsidies to the candlemaking industry and later, the installation of street lamps in all cities. What was once a privilege for the wealthy has, through innovation and invention, become an integral part of pony life."

Slowly, Luna lowered her beer, and her smile dimmed slightly as she sighed. “But when I praised her concern for her subjects, Celestia simply laughed and shook her head.”

***

“Luna, I love my little ponies, but we have lived with darkness since the beginning of time. I don’t raise taxes to fund programs we can easily live without.”

“Then why?”

Celestia’s horn glowed, and the nearby window opened.

The moon shone overhead, dimly illuminating the winding streets of Canterlot City. Across those streets were hundreds upon hundreds of brightly lit windows, shining with the fires of candles and lamps within.

And with that light came the unmistakable sounds of reverie and laughter, even at the late hour – bars and theaters and clubs and parties ringing their joy through the darkness. Luna could make out a crowd of ponies gathered outside a concert hall, chatting away enthusiastically about the music. A dozen couples lay on the grass of the city park, pointing out the stars in the sky. Distant, thrilled shrieks come from a colorfully-lit fairground ride, melded with excited voices of young foals playing carnival games.

Beneath the two alicorns, the city sang with life, a multitude of ponies relishing, carousing and socializing through the glory and serenity of the night.

***

“She did it for me.” Luna wiped away a happy tear. “She did it so that when I returned, I would find a world where ponies loved my night as much as her day.”

The other two were silent.

“Wow,” said Sunset at last. “That… that was nice of her.” She leaned back in her seat and let out a long sigh. “I forget she can be really thoughtful… sometimes.”

Trixie slowly came out of her deep thought. “Uh, I have a question.”

Luna looked up. “Yes?”

“If sunlight is what makes us go into heat, and if you are the pony ultimately responsible for our nightlife… does this make Celestia the matron alicorn of sex and you the matron alicorn of booze?”

Sunset groaned and rolled her eyes, but Luna simply looked at Trixie, stony faced.

Eventually, she spoke.

“Yes, Trixie. Yes, it does.”

Comfort Food

Luna cleared her throat. “I have a proposition. I would like to try what ponies call ‘bar hopping’. Ponyville, of course, has only one drinking establishment, but perhaps we could visit bars in Canterlot-”

“Nope,” Sunset said casually. “Overruled.”

Trixie quietly nodded in agreement.

Luna sagged. “But why? Surely you both might enjoy a little variety.”

Trixie shook her head. “I travel all over Equestria constantly. I get more than enough of that.”

“And I have to head back through the portal every Saturday morning,” said Sunset. “If you can’t fly, it’s an hours-long train ride up the mountain and back down again afterwards.”

“But I could send a chariot for both of you! Neither of you actually live in Ponyville, so why this insistence on the same bar every week?”

Sunset grinned. “Two reasons. First of all, we already know everypony here, and it’s nice to drink around familiar faces.”

“Yes!” Trixie raised her forehooves to the air, waving at the other patrons. “All of Trixie’s friends are in Ponyville. Well, except you, of course,” she tipped her head at Luna. “You live in Canterlot, but I’m grateful that you come by every Friday. This is almost like a second home.”

“Which brings me to the second reason. We like coming to Ponyville because it is the best town. Ever.” Sunset gestured at their drinks. “Take this bar. Over a hundred different beers, forty varieties of cider, dozens of different liquors, spirits, and wines, many from outside of Equestria… Unless you are looking for a place that specializes in say, bourbons,” she pointed at Trixie’s drink, “you won’t find a better-stocked cellar.”

Luna glanced at the massive wall of casks behind Cherry’s counter, from which the pony in question was slowly filling a mug. “I do admit that Cherry Berry’s drinks menu is impressive. I wonder how she manages to balance her accounts with such expenditure.”

“She doesn’t!” said Trixie. “Cherry’s profits are pretty slim, I think. She spends all her excess bits on new stock or improving the bar.”

“Oh, yeah.” Sunset turned her head to look around the bar. “Look at these embroidered curtains. Lovely soft seats, polished wood paneled floors – Cherry’s a true enthusiast. She really loves this bar.”

“And you want to deprive her of our business.” Trixie grinned at Luna. “You monster.”

“Enough, I feel guilty already.” Luna sighed. “In any case, while I am of course suitably awed by Cherry’s dedication to her bar, what did you mean when you said that Ponyville is the simply the best town?”

“Well, it’s kinda like that for everypony here,” said Sunset. “Rarity’s dresses are in demand all over Manehattan and Canterlot. Rainbow Dash is probably the most talented Wonderbolt ever. Sweet Apple Acres is literally the only place in Equestria where zap apple jam is made. And all that pales in comparison to Ponyville's real claim to fame.”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Which is?”

Trixie looked at her incredulously. “You don’t know what Ponyville is most famous for?”

“I presume the answer to that question is not ‘Twilight Sparkle’s castle’, nor associated with the examples Sunset quoted?”

“No.” said Sunset, smirking. “Right, now we’re gonna to have to make you guess.”

Luna thought carefully. Suddenly, she perked up.

“Fillyfooling!”

Sunset burst out laughing.

“Okay, that is correct, but it’s not what we had in mind.”

“Or is it?” Trixie waggled her eyebrows.

Sunset rolled her eyes and sighed. “No. No, it isn’t.”

“I give up.” Luna finished the last of her beer. She waved to attract Cherry’s attention, and pointed at her empty glass to order another round. Sitting back down, she continued, “Obviously, it is something of which I simply am not aware.”

Trixie and Sunset nodded at each other, and answered in chorus.

“Desserts.”

Luna stared at them blankly. “Truly? I mean, I concede that Pinkie Pie is an exceptional baker, but I am not certain if-”

Trixie shook her head. “Pinkie Pie’s great at parties and making ponies happy, but baking is just her job, not her special talent.”

“Yep,” said Sunset. “The fact that she’s such a great baker is actually a testament to the skills of her teachers. I think you might have forgotten that Sugarcube Corner is actually run by Carrot and Cup Cake.”

“Trixie hears that Princess Celestia makes regular official visits, just for the bakery!”

Luna frowned. “I did wonder why she keeps making formal appearances in Ponyville. I had always assumed it was to visit Twilight Sparkle.”

Sunset crossed her forehooves and huffed grumpily. “She does like Twilight a lot…”

“Nay, nay,” said Luna quickly. “I am certain now that she comes primarily for the cakes. Celestia has indeed extolled at length of their richness, the excellence of the frosting, and the superlative quality of the chocolate cream.”

Sunset took a long breath. “That does sound like her, I guess. Anyway, it’s not just Sugarcube Corner. Cup Cake’s cupcakes are fantastic, but you haven’t lived until you’re had Bon Bon’s bonbons. You really need to try her almond-and-rum pralines. Oh! And maybe I should take you to Bittersweet’s café someday. Her tiramisu is out of this world.”

“Tiramisu?” Luna pronounced the unfamiliar word slowly, grasping for its meaning. “Is this a Neighponese word?”

Sunset shook her head. “No. It’s a really creamy coffee-flavored dessert made of mascarpone cheese and sponge biscuits.”

Luna sat up straight. “You mean to say we have invented a cream dessert flavored with coffee?”

“Oh yeah. Really strong coffee, usually.”

Luna looked into the distance, jaw squared and her expression resolute. “I must sample this.”

“Sure. We’ll go soon.” Sunset laughed. “Anyway all that is pretty much the best stuff in Ponyville’s dessert scene. I mean, if you’re into apple snacks, the Apples make some superb pie, but that’s mostly for family and friends only. We’ve just listed the best stores-”

Trixie, who had been quietly listening up until then, turned to Sunset with a look of pure disdain. She slowly shook her head.

“You know nothing, Sunset Shimmer.”

“What?”

Trixie bent under the table, where she had left her saddlebags. She pulled out a plain brown paper bag with her magic, placing it carefully on the table. Almost reverently, she floated out its contents, flattened the bag, and used it as a makeshift plate for them.

Luna blinked. “Muffins?”

“Peanut butter and jelly muffins. Try one.”

Luna glanced at the three muffins with a critical eye. She lifted one up and gingerly took a bite.

Suddenly, her eyes widened. The world seemed to fall away. It was almost as if, even though it was late into the night, the last rays of sunlight had somehow managed to escape the confines of logic and dawn upon her. Her heart skipped a beat. In the distance, she could hear the soft “Aah-aah…” of an angelic choir, singing the majesty of the dessert she had just tasted. Her nostrils, filled with the scent of sugar and peanut butter and strawberry jelly, could nonetheless make out another, subtler fragrance, far more sublime and divine.

It was the aroma of enlightenment.

Sunset glanced around the bar apprehensively. “D-did anypony else hear that singing?”

Luna ignored her. “This… I do not understand. I am not even particularly fond of peanuts. Yet… oh, stars. This is bliss itself given form. Truly, the universe has named perfection, and it is a muffin.”

“You can’t be serious.” Sunset picked up another muffin and examined it carefully. It somehow managed to waft a scent of freshness despite obviously having been sitting in a bag for several hours. She carefully broke it open. The way the glistening jelly gently oozed out, onto the cake filled with chunky peanut butter, forced her to concede that it did look delicious. Cautiously, she took a tiny nibble.

More angelic chanting filled their booth.

“Wha-“ Sunset quickly shook the stupor away. “Did you buy these from Sugarcube Corner?”

Trixie shook her head smugly. “Nope! They’re not sold anywhere. In fact, I have to ask for them to be made especially for me every week, and the best thing about them is that they’re free.”

“Who makes these?” asked Luna.

Trixie simply pointed at the next booth.

Sunset turned around and looked over, where a grey pegasus was chatting enthusiastically with a brown earth pony stallion.

“Wait, is that Dinky’s mom?”

Luna gasped. “Trixie, are you saying that the greatest baker in Ponyville – possibly the world – is Ms Derpy Hooves?”

“Mmmhmm! She doesn’t even own a store. Derpy just makes muffins for herself and her daughters purely because they like them.”

“That’s insane.” Sunset shook her head in disbelief. “She probably earns minimum wage from her postal service job when she could be making a fortune selling these.”

“She refuses to taint her gift with money. In fact, the only reason I even know about these is because when I got run out of Ponyville the first time, she found me and gave me some to cheer me up. She says her best are blueberry and banana muffins, but every week she still bakes me my favorite peanut-butter-and-jelly muffins when I come by.”

Sunset continued nibbling on her muffin, savoring every crumb. “You mean that these aren’t even what Derpy considers her best? Unbelievable.”

Luna glanced at Derpy, who at that moment was struggling over grabbing a straw in her mouth without the benefit of depth perception. “What an amazing mare,” she said.

Cherry finally came up to their booth, carrying the tray of drinks that Luna had ordered earlier. Setting them down on the table, she noticed the final remaining muffin. She smiled and gave Trixie a curt, knowing nod. Trixie simply smiled back.

Sunset watched the exchange, waiting until Cherry had moved on to speak. “Actually, what is it with you and peanut butter and jelly, anyway?”

Trixie arched an eyebrow. “I think this is the first time I’ve ever mentioned it to you.”

“Uhh…” Sunset thought quickly. “I just happened to hear you’re really fond of PB&J crackers. And sandwiches. And now muffins too, apparently.”

“Oh. My mother used to make me little cracker sandwiches with peanut butter and jelly all the time. Neigh Orleans isn’t exactly a central location like Ponyville and I can’t visit it that often, so I eat them to stave off homesickness.”

“I see.”

“It’s really nothing special. Surely you must have some comfort food that your mother made for… you…?” Trixie’s question tapered off at the end, mostly as a response to Luna frantically shaking her head and making a “cut it now” gesture with her hoof and neck.

But it was too late. Sunset had gone very quiet. She glanced out the window, and sighed absent-mindedly.

“Pancakes…”

“Pancakes?”

“Yeah. My mother is… really dedicated to her work, so she kept missing a lot of stuff that was really important to me. I mean, remember when I was in our class musical?”

“The one where you were playing Heather Candles?” Trixie smirked. “Sure. You were perfect for that role.”

“Ah, right. I guess I deserve that. Anyway, I was really hoping she would come see us perform, but she was busy with… an overseas work trip. But she somehow always thought that making me pancakes would make me feel better about her never being around.” Sunset sighed again, wistfully. “I mean, they were really awesome pancakes, with fruit and piles of whipped cream and I really loved them at first, but after a while they just became a reminder that she just didn’t understand what I really wanted: her time and attention.”

“Oh, Sunset…” whispered Luna, almost to herself.

“Anyway, when I ran away, I’d still miss her terribly sometimes. So I binged on pancakes to make myself feel better.”

Trixie picked up the last muffin and chewed on it thoughtfully. “No wonder you were such an angry filly.”

A smile slowly spread across Sunset’s face.

She chuckled quietly. “Nah. It’s because I was a horrible brat who thought the world of herself for no good reason and became furious when I didn’t get what I wanted.”

Author's Note

I just wanted to say that tiramisu is my favorite dessert. I make mine with Kahlua and espresso, because frankly the extra bite gives just that little bit more oomph to an already awesome dessert.

Also, if anyone happens to have a request for these three ponies to chat about something (general topics that ponies would be able to discuss, so no real-life movies) I would love to get your suggestions!

Drinking Stories

“I am unsure of this. Doubtlessly, every pony in there now thinks me a fool.”

“Don’t worry,” said Sunset, pushing the alicorn towards the bar with all her might. “I’m sure everypony’s forgotten all about it by now.”

“Are you sure? I’m pretty sure I’ll remember that for as long as I live!” said Trixie, smiling obliviously.

Luna let out a depressed whinny and dug her hooves deeper into the soil.

Sunset stopped and gave Trixie a “What the buck are you doing?” expression. She groaned and looked upwards at Luna as she opened the door to the bar. “Just relax. I‘m sure nopony will make a big deal out of… it…”

Dozens of friendly smiles greeted her entry. Nearly every seat in the bar was full, with at least three times the usual customers.

“Okay, maybe not,” whispered Sunset.

“Princess Luna!” A very pleased-looking Cherry Berry squeezed past the mass of patrons towards the door. “As you can see, business has been very good lately! But I kept your usual table!” She waved in the direction of the booth in question, which a small folded cardboard sign had declared “Reserved!”

“I-uh, think I might pass this eve,” said Luna quickly. “I believe my purse has turned missing, and I could not possibly trouble you…”

“Oh, don’t worry about it!” said Cherry, waving away the excuse. “Drinks for you three are on the house tonight! Come in, come in!”

Both Trixie and Sunset grinned at Luna, who was still looking very hesitant. “The drinks are freeeeeeee!” they chimed together.

Luna groaned. “Sunset, does not Twilight settle your bill every week? Your cider is paid for either way.”

“Yeah, but in return I have to pay for everything she wants when she visits me,” said Sunset, clearly unmoved. “It’s not like I make a lot of money at my part-time job. This way, I get leverage for her to go a little easy at the bookstore.”

“…Trixie, surely you will not refuse your princess’s request for a different venue?”

“Trixie thinks that regal mystique was lost after having to clean your vomit from her hooves,” replied Trixie smugly. “Anyway, free drinks simply taste better!”

Luna looked at both of them and sighed. “So be it. My pride, sacrificed upon the altar of complimentary beverages.”

The three slowly walked into the bar. The crowd parted, almost reverently, to allow them through. Several murmurs of “A good evening to you, Princess!” and “It’s an honor, Princess!” were heard as they passed, and a few unicorns even saluted her with their glasses and a nod.

Luna’s dark blue coat was so tinged with red that she looked almost purple. She quickly sat down and covered her face with her hooves, right as their drinks arrived.

“I almost wish that the memory of last week’s events hadn’t returned to me. These glares would not wound me so, were I unable to picture the scene they are doubtlessly remembering.”

“I’ve been telling you all week, don’t worry so much,” said Sunset. “Nopony’s judging you. You got drunk and enjoyed yourself a little more than usual. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Anyway, I think Ponyville probably loves your taste in music.” Trixie clapped her hooves in glee. “I had no idea you were a Sapphire Shores fan!”

***

Rarity put down her needlework, wondering at the commotion outside. She stuck her head out of her window and peered into the night. “Is-is that Princess Luna on Cherry’s roof?”

“BOOTS ON HOOVES, SADDLES ON TOP! FURRY COATS, SO CUTE, WE'LL BLOW YOUR MIND! OOAOH! OH! OOAOAOH!”

***

“Trixie thinks it was a very impressive use of the Royal Canterlot Voice!”

Luna groaned, her head flopping onto the table. “Sunset, I crave a boon.”

“Uh, yes?”

“I hear you have considerable prowess in book-throwing. Pray direct one to the back of my head.”

Sunset frowned. “Not funny, Luna.”

“Anyway,” said Trixie, “you couldn't have known that DJ Pon-3 would show up to provide you with music. Though it was kind your own fault for doing an encore.”

“I wonder how she got her turntable and sound system there so quick,” said Sunset. “I could have sworn she drove there.”

Trixie nodded. “And it was pretty cool when Pinkie set off all those actual fireworks!”

“If both of you do not mind,” said Luna, “Mayhap you have had your fill of discussing my humiliations.”

“Oh, not at all!” said a smiling Trixie, completely ignoring the implications of Luna’s statement. “You gave a great performance, and that’s high praise coming from me!

***

“CUTIE MARKS REPRESENT, NOW PUT YOUR HOOVES UP! OOAOH! OH! OOAOAOH!”

Sunset looked up in awe. “Gosh, that’s a fantastic demonstration of early earth pony fertility dances.”

***

“I had no idea that the bouncy jogglebottomwas called that because you bounce and joggle your b-”

“Yes, Trixie, I am quite familiar with that dance,” said Luna quietly.

“Oh yeah, you made that very clear last week,” said Trixie, giggling. “Anyway, I bet you’re really popular with all the stallions now.” She rubbed her chin with a hoof. “And a lot of mares, come to think of it.”

Luna just groaned and hid her head deeper under her hooves and mane. It might have worked better had there not been a nearly eight-inch horn protruding from her pile of comfort.

“Hey…” said Sunset, poking her. “It’s not as bad as you think. Nearly everypony has an embarrassing drunken story to tell. You’re not the only one.”

“Oh, yes.” Trixie nodded. She leaned in closer and whispered, “Trixie will completely deny it if you ever repeat this, but… I once tried Berry’s Punch, too. Not as much as you, of course. I just had one shot a little too quickly.”

One eye peeked out from under Luna’s mane. “Really?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

***

“Trixie, wh-what are you doing?”

“THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIIIIIIXIE IS… IS WATERING THESE THIRSTY FLOWERS!”

Roseluck shut her eyes and said in a very tight voice, “Trixie, those flowers are for eating!”

“Oh.” Trixie looked down at the garden. “NOT ANYMORE, THEY’RE NOT!”

***

“I had to pay for them the next morning.” Trixie sighed. “Blew half my food budget for the week.”

“Is that it?” Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Psh, that’s nothing.”

Luna raised her head slightly. “You too sampled that toxic concoction?”

“Yep.” Sunset chuckled. “Pinkie told me all about it when she first showed me this bar. I just had to try some.”

***

“Excuse me, Miss Shimmer?”

Sunset squinted at the filly. “Hey. Dinky, right?”

“Yes, miss. Will you please get down from there? You might fall and hurt yourself.”

“Huh?” Sunset glanced at the tree she was clinging to, then back at Dinky, who was watching her through the window. “I-I can explain. I’m just looking for-”

“I know. Here’s your avocado.”

Sunset stared at the dark green fruit floating in front of her.

“…H-how?”

“Because, Miss Shimmer, every time you get drunk, you climb the tree outside my window looking for avocadoes. And every time, I tell you that it is not an avocado tree and fetch you one from my fridge. I saw you go into the bar earlier tonight, so I came prepared.”

“Oh.” Sunset picked up the fruit with her magic. “Thanks. You… you sure seem to know a lot about getting drunk.”

“My best friend is Berry Punch’s daughter. And you’re welcome to the avocado, but please go somewhere private before you start using it this time.”

***

“Look at the bright side, at least you two only drank it once,” said Sunset.

Luna chuckled. “I thank both of you. Hearing that my own embarrassment was not unique has helped a great deal.”

“I think you don’t know the half of it,” said Sunset. “Look around you, Luna. Every pony in this bar has a similar story.”

Luna took a quick glance around the bar. Cherry Berry was standing beside the next booth, pouring from the infamous bottle into a tiny shot glass. She slowly pushed it towards a grey pegasus sitting with a brown stallion.

“Tiny sips, okay?”

The pegasus rolled her eyes, which was fascinating to watch because each one was pointed in a different direction. “I know, Cherry,” she said with the most adorably indignant voice Luna had ever heard, “It took me weeks to pay for the repairs to the town hall after the last time. Why does everypony think I’m dumb? I’m just a little clumsy!”

As her gaze swept across the room, Luna noticed that many of the ponies were also holding tiny shot glasses filled with the clear liquor. She gasped.

“You see?” said Sunset. “Lots of them came in here after hearing about Berry’s Punch for the first time, stupidly pounded one shot, made a fool of themselves, and were too afraid to ever come back. And yes, there was a lot of gossip about you this week. Some of it was even good, because nopony had ever managed to swig half a bottle of Berry’s Punch all at once. But I think talking about it made lots of these ponies realize that all their friends went through a similar experience, and-”

“-That nopony was going to laugh at them,” whispered Luna. Gradually, the tension faded from her withers, and she smiled. “You were right, Sunset. All these ponies are with friends, having a grand time amongst themselves – I can see now that not one of them is judging me.”

Sunset just grinned and took another sip of cider.

Trixie looked up from her glass, clearly not paying attention to the conversation. “You know, if this is the drinking population of Ponyville, I wonder why this bar is so empty on other Friday nights.”

“Oh, that’s easy. Cherry told me Tuesday nights are usually her busiest.” Sunset shrugged. “Something about crazy stuff happening in Ponyville almost every Tuesday.”

Author's Note

I think anyone familiar with my writing will be expecting me to put out a chapter like this.

The avocado joke was heavily inspired by completely unrelated lines in Majin Syeekoh’s Starlight Glimmer is the Best at Friends and The Sauce Must Flow.

This chapter is actually filled to the gills with silly references.

This chapter and the next are unedited, because even though I already sent it to my prereader, before they could reply I accidentally hit the publish button while editing. Word of advice: avoid editing on your phone.

Side Chapter: Duty of a Diarch

“Thank you, Raven. You have been most helpful.”

Luna sighed at the doorstopper-sized book before her. With all the annotations, addenda, advice from her private secretaries, and Raven’s own notes, the single document weighed as much as a large brick.

“Would you like any help?”

Luna looked up. Despite her size and splendor, Celestia could be very quiet when she wanted to be. The solar diarch had managed to tiptoe all the way beside the desk without Luna noticing.

“Thank you, Celestia, but no. If I wish to be co-ruler of Equestria, then it must be my signature on at least a few of these laws your– our advisors have drafted. I cannot shirk my duties simply out of convenience.”

“I understand,” said Celestia. “But tell me if you need any kind of support. Especially if you ever feel… already buried deep.”

“I’m sorry?”

“You know, in paperwork. Six feet under. Screams, but nopony seems to hear a thing.”

“I-I…”

“Because did you know...” Celestia’s face broke into a mischievous grin, and her voice turned to a lyrical tone. “That there’s still a chance for you? That there’s a spark in you?”

“Oh stars, you heard.”

“You just have to igniiiiite the liiiight. And letttt it shiiiiine! Just own the night! Let forth a baaaaattlecry!”

“No. Oh, please no.”

“BECAUSE BABY, YOU'RE A FIREWOOOORK! COME ON, SHOW THEM WHAT YOU’RE WOOOORTH! MAKE THEM GO, ‘AH! AH! AH!’ AS YOU SHOOT ACROSS THE SKY-AH-AH!”

“I am never going to live this down, am I.”