The Mail Man

by Tedious_Blizzard

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Fancypants, Fleur de Lis, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 8708

Delivering mail in boring, but for our resident human it won't be boring anymore. Since when have humans had peaceful lives in Equestria anyway?

Delivering mail can be boring, but for our resident human it won't be boring anymore. Since when have humans had peaceful lives in Equestria anyway? Canterlot's mail man does his daily job of delivering mail to the elite whether they want it to be him or not. Can he survive the snobs? Will he make some friends? Will you start reading the story? Lets find out...

The awesome cover art is by Lyres-art on Deviantart. Alternate Universe as Derpy will be stationed at Canterlot instead of Ponyville AND Canterlot itself doesn't get as much mail as a normal human city would. Romance tag is for slighlty later on. Teen due to minor violence,mild forms of swears and Canterlot snobs being nasty buggers:twilightangry2:.

Published 2017-06-03 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-14 22:04:34 UTC

Prelude

The Mail Man: Prelude

"Uhhhh, my head... feels like I just got hit by a sledgehammer."

My eyes are shut as the searing light of the sun pounds my face, and all I can currently think of is the pounding in my swelling skull. Even talking felt like I just breathed out wasps that left my throat sore just like the rest of my body. I try to will my body to move but it's still unresponsive, it also feels like I'm on the muddy ground that you only find after storms or next to a lake. After trying to regain my sense I can feel, hear and smell more. The air is crisp and clear, much unlike the polluted city of London which seems to constantly have grey dreary clouds looming over. Also it smells like fresh pine and a hint spring flowers; wherever I was it must've been a fancy park or the backyard of some well-kept manor. Birds chirp happily and the sounds dance around my poor head, soothing my headache slowly and gently. The breeze of the wind swipes at my body and gives me goosebumbs. With a bit of wiggling of my boot-clad feet, I can sense that they are slightly submerged in water and I also hear the slight ripples.

There are no sounds of large waves so it must be a small lake or pond of sorts, hopefully no ducks to ruin the mood. My legs are dry and so are my dark blue jeans as I can't feel the water level higher than the soles of my boots. My torso and my light green Adidas shirt are dry but toyed with by the wind. I wear no jacket or coat as I never really need it, even in winter, as I'm quite accustomed to chilly conditions. After assessing myself and my surroundings my headache lessens, probably the result of heavy drinking last night. Funny enough I don't remember much from last night aside from taking public transport to home and sometime on the ride I must've blacked out or something, it's difficult to tell when I'm just lazily lying about. C'mon, how many times have you found yourself in such a calming environment and you haven’t even opened your eyes? It's bound to get better. I know I'm supposed to be freaking out that I've been kidnapped or something but I'm not tied to a chair and nor am I uncomfortable. Maybe the bus driver saw my passed out form and just left me in the park and hopefully I wasn't robbed. That would suck.

I decide that I eventually need to get up and go home, even though I have no relatives in England or any pets doesn't mean that I still want to lay about forever. My eyes open and I stand on my feet. I was correct on the view being better. Tall and lush pine trees dot the area in an organised fashion, planted obviously, trimmed bushes sit around the pine trees and flowers of many kinds- even ones I've never seen before- populate the beautiful garden. Next to me, and what looks like the middle of the 'garden', is a pond; small and quaint but also sparkling in the early sun's rays. I realised that I was holding my breath in so I exhaled, and inhaled more divine scents. With my surrounding accounted for, I check my pockets to see anything missing and aside from a Nokia 'brick' with no battery left there was nothing else of note. Nokia- check, wallet- check, ID- check, and ummmm well... that’s it really. Good news so far, aside from unknown but lovely location. As I finished doing my self check-up, I heard authoritative voices coming from my left and I pivot towards them, hoping that the police (if it was them) would allow me to explain myself as to why I'm probably in someone's back yard. I steel my expression and calm my nerves, police always slightly worried me when I was at their attention, I never was in any real trouble with police but I had impressions from what I heard from a paranoid friend.

Now that I think about it, every now and then the 'shoes' of the officer would hit a part of the stone path and it sounds more like clopping...

Imagine my surprised face when a small platoon of 4 and a half foot ponies wearing shiny gold armour akin to the Romans with simple spears stopped a mere ten feet away from me... and then pointed their spears at me with a battle-ready stance to boot.

Oh boy, time to use my non-existent charm on them.

"Well hel-", that was all I can get before the pony with blue mohawk interrupted me, rudely might I add.

"You are trespassing on her highness Princesses Celestia and Luna's castle, stand down or we will use force to detain you!" Mr.Angry guard shouted furiously at me with the expression that he was constipating for three hours straight.

Well my charm failed before I even activated it and all of them look angry and exactly the same aside from the captain of the platoon (I assume).

"First of all gents, I have no idea how I got here and I would prefer if you weren't having a shouting match with the lungs of a dragonborn."

The captain looked at me with a discombobulated look, as if he was surprised that I was talking or maybe my Slavic accent had blown them all away.

His look transformed to one of realisation, "The creature is resisting! Detain it quickly!"

Is that seriously what that guy was able to make of what I said? My paranoid friend was right.... wait DETAINED?!

Before I even managed a word in protest to their bull decisions, I was immediately shot to the face with a bolt of a fluorescent pale blue light coming from a small horn on one of the pony's head that I didn't see before.

For the second time that day I blacked out.

Waking up to the sound of rattling chains was not very pleasant, especially if they are the ones that weigh around twenty kilograms and give this nasty screech when the cuffs scrape against them. I then begin to realise that these cuffs and chains are on me and again I'm on the ground, except this time there is no pleasant environment. The cell I'm in is small, around 9 ft by 9 ft, and is marred by age and frequent use. Surprisingly there is no toilet or bed, so I assume I'm only here temporarily and will be moved out to somewhere else. The cell doesn't smell too bad nor too good, just a faint hint of musty mould and the smell of ozone. There are torches on the outside of my cell and on the outside of the cell opposite me and probably lining the whole hallway. Slate grey stone bricks make up my cell and thick steel bars line the tiny window to freedom and the entrance to my cell; by the looks of the bright sunlight coming from the window I guess it's only been a few hours or maybe a whole day, hopefully not the latter. Aside from the rattle of the horrendous and greatly rusted chains/cuffs (I presume from either lack of use or the complete polar) and my shallow but calm breathing there is nothing else; not the clopping of hooves or the clunking of heavy gold armour that these equines bare.

I lay here in this cell and on the ground pondering what I should do next and what the hell has actually happened during the last twenty-four hours.

Okay so either I got drugged with some next level magic mushrooms or I have finally gone insane, neither would make sense though as this is way too real and I've never had any major mental health problems or high levels of stress.

I check my pockets again to see if my possessions are on me still, probably not if the ponies know how to actually keep an unknown being detained.

Huh... so they haven’t taken anything from me. That’s oddly nifty, can't really complain though. Or maybe due to their armour what I have is too modern? Wait, that'll just put me in quarantine or something. I'm no government official what am I supposed to know?!

As I argued with apparently no one in my head I failed to notice the familiar clopping of hooves approaching me from down the seemingly endless hallway of identically immaculate cells. By the time I did notice though, the pair of hooves have stopped right in front of my cell and that finally warranted my attention and also my poker face- and considering my situation I think I did pretty well to compose that expression.

A familiar tone of Mr.Angry met me,"You creature, stand up and back away from the bars. Her highness has asked to meet you so don't try anything funny otherwise we will detain you again."

His deep baritone companion also chose to chip in,"Yeah, be honoured that you meet our Princess instead of rotting away. Put your claws away as well, or we'll not hesitate to *ahem* get rid of them."

"Oh most wonderful of days..."

Either the guards didn't hear that or they ignored my response that just oozed sarcasm. They definitely didn't show a response as these two had a poker face that rivalled mine... on a good day with hours of preparation.

There was a door in the bars that looked a bit like the ones from the wild west movies, and Mr.Angry's friend levitated a set of keys and unlocked the door.

Did that dude just levitate the keys?! What the heck?! What is this blasphemy?!

In that moment I thought back to when the guards 'detained' me and remember that I got shot with something that came from their horns on their heads. It wasn't a curvy horn, but a small straight one with slight spiral grooves on it going upwards. Just like the one on this dude, and Mr.Angry only had wings.

So the ones with horns can perform violations of physics and I'm guessing the ones with wings can fly... those are tiny wings though. Huh, so Pegasi and Unicorns, where the hell am I? What will there next be, Griffons and Minotaurs? I hope not, I'm getting a headache from all this nonsense.

The door opened up and I stood up carefully not to alarm the guards and show no malicious intent, or 'funny' stuff as Mr.Angry said. The guards had their spears on the ready and upon exiting the cell I saw at least a dozen more guards stationed around in the hallway periodically and still as statues, but still at attention and ready to spring to action. I was led out of the drab cell hallway and up some marble stairs and more guard checkpoints into a much nicer hallway. When I mean 'nicer', I mean Queen of England's 'nicer'. Pillars of pristine chiselled marble and banners made of the finest silk adorned with patterns and emblems of the sun and moon lined the edge of the hallway. A luscious red carpet lined with gold lay in the middle of the hallway and led to a T-junction of sorts at the end. Mosaic windows of high quality depict historic events that I don't recognise and nor do I fully understand. Walking down such an exquisite hallway makes me imagine how great the rest of the building must be, and judging by the Medieval theme of this land, the building in question must be a grand castle- fit for the Princesses mentioned earlier. The only thing that spoiled everything was the horrible rattling of my chains and the clunking of gold armour of my unwanted escorts.

I wonder how this Princess will be; will she be friendly or mean? With how long this hallway is I guess it may take some time to find out.

At the end of the hallway we turned right and in front of us beheld a giant arched doorway and closed grand oak doors with large round handles and four other guards just like the ones I've seen so far guarding the entrance. Wordlessly, the entrance guards opened the doors with their voodoo and stepped aside, probably were expecting me anyway. The doors opened and on the other side was a massive square room with a throne on a dais near the back. This room looked almost exactly like the hallway, but a lot more decorative and at least thirty guards next to the outer walls and at the bottom of the dais. Speaking of the dais and the golden throne (with an empty blue one next to it), on top of it sat a pony. This pony was at least six foot tall not including the massive horn on her head, and had a pair of swan wings outstretched in a display of beauty and power. On her slender neck was a gold necklace and a golden crown with a purple sparkling gem on her head. A gentle smile was placed on her muzzle and her vivacious lavender eyes met my sky blue ones. Her fur was alabaster and her mane was an almost perfect depiction of the northern lights except more vibrant. Her hooves adorned golden slippers with intricate patterns. Upon her throne she sat, with an elegant pose befitting her stature. Just by looking at her you can almost tell that she was made with sugar, spice and everything nice, polar opposite to the guards that serve her.

This pony was definitely the Princess.

Suddenly, blaring trumpets.

"Ahhh! What the heck! Not in my ears you assholes!"

"Introducing her highness and sovereign of Equestria, Princess Celestia!"

I give you three guess to tell who said what and the first two don't count. While I try to regain my bearings, the Princess tries to hold a small snicker and eases up. So far she doesn't seem like a tyrant so that’s good.

The guards nudge me to walk ahead and they promptly leave me and go back to doing whatever. I walk up to the bottom of the dais and before I can even begin to introduce myself a guard in front of me interrupts.

"Bow to the Princess creature and show respect!"

Bowing really irks my ire and I decided to ignore him, instead I just glared at him and proceeded to talk as if unhindered.

"Greetings your highness and sorry for not bowing as that in my culture means something else. However, it's fine to talk pleasantly and with respect. Also I would like to talk without chains, you have my word that I'll not harm you or even try."

"That’s fine creature, my name is Princess Celestia and you may call me that or your highness will be adequate enough. Guards take off his chains."

The guard that called me out to bow didn't like that and took a step towards me in an aggravated stance and tone.

"But your highness! It can be dangerous! What if-"

"I am perfectly capable to defend myself if the need arises and this creature doesn't seem too threatening or too dangerous. Take off the chains, I don’t like them for conversations."

"*sigh* Yes your highness."

With a smug grin plastered on my face I outstretched my arms for easy access. The guard unlocked my chains and took them off me, not without giving me a dirty look though and returning to his post.

"There, now I would like to enquire you about a few matters as one does not simply teleport into the royal gardens without anypony noticing. Firstly, what are you and what are your intentions in my lands?"

"Well your highness I'm a human and I really don't know about the second part. I woke up in your garden with no knowledge as to how I got there, I don't know what happened the night before nor do I know what could've transported me. I've never heard of Equestria or seen ponies like your kind."

I gave a particularly large exhale when realisation struck me, hard.

"I-I-I won't see my family again, or m-my friends. I'm an honest man your highness and I really don't want to be here nor do I want to harm your subjects. I've seen your kind do voodoo or something so can you teleport me home? Or maybe make a portal?"

Glares from the guards soften and the Princess' look portrays sympathy and slight pity. I manage to hold my tears, you never heard this from me but it almost took all my willpower not to let the fountain out. The Princess contemplated my words and spoke back.

"I see no lies within you," she looks of to the side as if unsure of herself, "I can't promise you that we can get you back but I can certainly set the task for our best mages. We also do magic, not voodoo, there is a difference between the two and it’s not a very good difference either."

She looks back at me and her features start to brighten up again.

"I can however give you a place to stay meanwhile and can support you through the royal treasury. I will have to have a watch on you to make sure you’re not a threat, I hope you understand as you’re a completely new creature to our society."

That sounded acceptable to me, except one part...

"While I will happily accept the house and watch, I cannot accept to be constantly given money. Some for money for food to start with will be alright but I would prefer to work and make use of myself while I'm here. If you know of any jobs to do with organisation and delivery I will have them as I'm very good at that type of thing."

"Well, there has been a position for Canterlot Post Office open for quite a while, the nobles don't want to do 'commoner' work and the mare that works there has been getting overrun lately. I'm sure she'll appreciate the help."

Princess Celestia's horn lit up and a two pieces of parchment 'popped' in and a small sack of coins. I look at this spectacle in amazement; it’s my first time seeing teleportation.

She levitated the bag and documents over to me and I gingerly took them. The bag was a lot heavier than I first thought and upon sneaking a peek inside I saw freshly minted gold coins.

With the looks of things gold isn't as rare as it was back home.

"There you go, the deed to a quaint house twelve streets from here and just one street from the post office. The other parchment shows that you work at the Post Office now."

Wow, that quickly?

I voiced my thoughts to the Princess and she just grinned like a Cheshire cat.

"I'm the Princess human, I can do whatever I want. It’s a perk of being royalty."

"Fair enough, uhhh what is the date and season your highness, just to make sure I haven’t lost time.”

"It's the fourth of May, a Tuesday and it's the season of Spring."

So the same date as if I was home, nice to know I was only knocked out for a few hours then

Before I can excuse myself to go out, the Princess spoke up again.

"Human, I haven’t heard of that accent before and I never really got your name, may I please know it?"

"Oh right sorry your highness, I have a 'Slav' accent and my name is Boris."

"Thanks you lot, I can make my way to the house now", after getting some directions from the guards manning the entrance of the spectacular castle I head on down the streets towards my temporary home, "Wow, the city so far looks like it has taken its inspiration from the castle."

As I stroll calmly down the empty street I'm on, I can't help but admire these pony's city. Manors and mansions make up a good portion of this district and are all painted in vast array of colours, except for any black, and gives the place a friendlier vibe. Front yards are covered in flowers in patterns and the cobble streets are unmarred of weed or cracked stones. The shining sun glazes the city and its residents with a warm hug and brightens my smile. There are no lamp posts or wires hanging over the cobble road as this magical land has no space for the ugly tech that affects our world. There are no pathways and the sound of roaring engines are missing, which further solidifies my idea of this land being in its version of the medieval times; but a lot more cleaner and flamboyant. From the hill I walk down from, I have a height advantage and manage a glimpse of the rest of the city that I found out was called 'Canterlot'. Canterlot looks more or less the same as this part of the city, except further down around a dozen streets I see less fancy houses and establishments. As the more I progress to my destination the more ponies I see and the more sceptical gazes I attract. I just smile and wave. No need to frighten them, I want to make a good impression as I'm also going to be their mail man. Ponies of different race and even ones without a horn or wings (normal ponies?) trot on the other side of the street, giving me a wide berth. I notice some even wear ostentatious outfits and have their noses pointed to the sky, most likely nobles, and others that don't wear as much or any at all and look a lot more friendly by not giving me looks of 'holier than thou'. I ignore the hostile gazes of the nobles and carry on.

Eventually, I reach the address given to me by the Princess and walk in. I was quite surprised that I didn't need a key or identification but apparently the door has already been 'calibrated' that it will only open to me, useful I say. The house is quite modest at a first glance, or bungalow is more appropriate, as its turquoise paint and white low-spired roof isn't to strange for this city. When I enter the house my first thoughts are-

I can get used to this...

Inside is what you'll see in your grandma's house: rococo style carpet covered floor, eau de nil coloured walls, a modern-looking rocking chair, a plush crimson couch and various paintings of mountains and forests. There is no T.V or central heating but there is a quaint fireplace and two large Victorian windows on either side of the room. On the left there is another simple oak door which leads to the small kitchen, a few hanging cupboards, an oven (magic powered possibly?), and another small window showing the street. Back into the living room there are two more doors, one leads to the fair-sized bathroom which has an old European squat toilet with a standing shower and sink separated by a misted glass wall. Into the other mystery door is a bedroom with a single bed and desk with parchment, inkwell and a quill. Considering my situation and where I am, this house is fairly generous in size (I can stand up straight and have a foot to spare) and furniture. It’s very pleasant and cosy. I notice from the corner of my eye that next to the door is a full body mirror. My unshaved stubble and messy short black hair instantly stands out. I'm of average build for a European and six and a half foot tall with a short jagged scar on my collar bone- due from an accident.

Surprisingly, I'm not as tired as I thought I'll be so while the sun is still up I decided I will head to the post office to meet my co-worker and station, no point wasting time. I dump my Nokia and wallet (inside is the ID) on the bed as I doubt I will ever need these again while in Equestria. Utilising the desk's drawers I leave the deed to the house in there but leave the paperwork for the post office on me. So with my inventory sorted and a blithe smile on my face, I head on down to the post office.

After around ten minutes of slow walking and admiring the city and its carefree colourful residents, I come across the moderately bleak post office which is just a slate grey square building with what I guess is a flat roof. The building is in the middle of the street full of restaurants and businesses so it is a bit out of place. Slightly saddened by the not as amazing post office as the city, I open the door and walked inside regardless. My second impression is better than the first as the inside is organised, tidy and quite a bit more colourful and well kept. The walls are a light shade of pink and there are many colour-assorted metal file cabinets. I see a desk in front of me and a basket which says 'mail to send'. On the cabinets are signs showing districts, towns, cities, streets and pretty much everything else for an address. One side of the room looks like it’s to send mail and the other is mail for ponies in Canterlot. For only one mare handling all this she must be pretty skilled. I give a nod in approval and search for the mare. There are more rooms than that main one, several offices full of mail and packages and also a toilet and janitors closet. Eventually I found a light grey mare with a blonde tail and bubbles on her rump submerged in a pile of letters and boxes.

What is with tattoos and these ponies? They must be obsessed.

"*Ahem* Miss? Umm, would you come out of the pile please? I need to talk to you," I patiently waited for an answer until I realised that she was probably stuck, "Miss? Let me help you."

I pulled the boxes on top of her away and cleared a few letters. After a bit of struggling from the mare she managed to pop free.

"Yay! Thank you mister! I just don't know what went wrong..." she gave me a grateful smile and stood up," You must be pretty strong to be able to lift those boxes, if you are unemployed can I hire you?"

"Actually, I am here for the job anyway. I'm new in Equestria and need a way to get money. My name is Boris, and you are miss...?" I was pleasantly surprised that she didn't immediately shout 'ahh monster!' and run away. In return I gave a genuine smile and held out my hand to greet.

"Derpy Hooves!" she shook my hand with both her hooves somehow, "And I'm glad to accept you! Not to be rude or anything, but umm... what are you? I haven’t seen your kind here before," she let go of my hand and returned to obeying gravity.

I gave a nod, "Glad to be accepted, and I'm a human and the only one as I'm probably not even from this planet."

"Whoa! That must be lonely though. I will be happy be your friend if you can you can be mine, how about that?" Derpy beamed at me.

It was heart-warming to see someone aside from the Princess already trying to help me. I saw no malicious intent, only innocence and mirth in her eyes. At that moment I get a better look at the mare and find she has wings.

Having wings as a post...mare must be useful, I can't imagine a unicorn doing this. Unless they teleport everything, but then the job won't be good pay if that’s easy... in my mind that’s how I see it.

When I noticed the wings, I also saw her eyes and did a barely noticeable double take.

She must've mistaken my hesitance for disgust and measly said, "You think I'm a freak don't you? You don't want to be my friend because of my stupid eyes huh?"

She started sniffing, so I tried to dissuade her unneeded tears.

"Hey now, I didn't mean to stare like that. It's just that I've never seen eyes like yours before and they are quite rare where I live. You’re not a freak, and I still want to be your friend."

Hope returned to her eyes,"Really?"

"Really," I assured her, "A freak can't keep this place running and nor can they be such a wonderful and kind pegasus."

This brought a wide smile from her and before I knew it I was glomped by the bubbly mare.

"Thank you *sniff*, I was always teased and I never had many friends because of my eyes," she parted from the hug and I had a slight red tint on my cheeks. Such contact was sparse for me.

"I think we're gonna be great friends Derpy, so... shall I start work today or tomorrow?"

Derpy replaced her gleeful smile to a more professional look, but still had a hint of joy on her face.

"Well, tomorrow will be best as even though it doesn't look like it, there isn't much work for the rest of the day. How about you come here tomorrow at six am sharp. Then I can show you how everything here is done!"

She started flapping her wings in excitement, and even managed a bit of lift off before returning to the ground once more.

"Sounds fair, tomorrow at six am here. Do I need uniform or anything else for the job?"

"Ummm, no. Eventually we can get uniform if the council or one of the Princesses decide to give us more funding, but for now no uniform."

"Nice, well I don't know about you but my day has been tiring. C'ya tomorrow then Derpy!"

"Bye Boris!"

With that and a wave I left the post office.

Gain friend-check

Another ten minutes and I returned home, the golden sun was setting by this time and I was too tired to do much more. Sluggishly, I made my way to the bedroom and promptly plonked face first onto the bed. However, there was one small, but annoying, problem with his accommodation.

This bed is way too small for me.

Author's Note

This chapter is a lot of description just to show my outlook on Equestria, other chapters will be slightly less. If you do want me to continue in that format (lots of description), then let me know. Also, I have no idea how the Equestrian post offices look like nor am I a postman so sorry if it's description is lacking or untrue. I just guessed :P

If you have trouble imagining Boris' voice then he sounds slightly like the youtuber "Life Of Boris" but just not as 'intense'. No this character is not that Boris but a different one, its just coincidental that the names are the same.

Edit 10th June: Found some spelling and grammer mistakes and fixed them.

Chapter 1- Canterlot Elite

The Mail Man: Canterlot Elite

It has been almost nine months since I came to this mystical world and also got a job to keep me occupied (and fed). I've been working at Canterlot's Post Office with Derpy and so far I haven't had any major problems or accidents. It’s very calming and safe to work inside such as I am right now, just sorting out all the letters and packages for Derpy to deliver tomorrow morning. We both have ten hour shifts and the first five hours for me is in the office sorting everything with Derpy delivering the mail. The second half of my shift is spent delivering the mail while Derpy is sorting things in here, the office. In my opinion this is a pretty good system for two people, it’s been working out great for us so far and both me and Derpy aren't yet super fed up or stressed. We also managed to get enough funds to brighten up the building with fresher paint and more cabinets inside for more letters and packages (no more congestions and angry ponies, yay!). Both Derpy and I now wear uniform; I have a navy blue mailman jacket with a snow white strip going across the midsection and a nametag saying 'Boris-Canterlot Post Office'. Underneath that I have a plain white shirt with short sleeves as some days can get pretty hot, and a large baby blue satchel to hold the letters. I normally wear blue or black shorts as there was no uniform for my legs. Derpy has almost and the same uniform except hers is ponified and she also has a navy blue cap with her nametag on it instead.

So here I am nine months after getting this job, minding my own business (literally) and sorting out the mail again. I remember when I first saw this place is was quite messy and difficult to get the right mail even if there were cabinets with signs on them, it just wasn't enough. On my first day here I helped Derpy re-organise everything so that no more will she have to explain to somepony that their mail went missing in the bathroom- you cannot believe how many times that has actually happened. I sigh as I finish signing some documents for a large crate of mail coming from Manehatten.

Ponies and their stupid puns, why can't you be normal and call it MANhatten?! Or if you really wanted to annoy me you might've instead just call it PONYhatten... why Equestria why?

Sometimes this land does aggravate me and it does make me lose my marbles at times. This normally happens when I witness powerful magic that shouldn't be possible or when I look in a history book and find the Princesses are immortal and one was banished to the moon for one thousand years. For the first few months in this city I was spending all my free time reading books, whether it being on history, geography or even magic I didn't really care. I needed to catch with this society if I want to live in it for some time. Magic is a strange subject, destiny marks as well. 'Destiny' Marks are the tattoos on a pony's flank that apparently, through magic, show your destiny or job. Every now and then when I see a pony's 'destiny' mark I feel pity towards them, who wants to be anchored down to do the same job their whole life? To me I would go mad doing that. But hey, maybe I'm wrong as some ponies really enjoy their jobs. Maybe my view doesn't apply in Equestria as much it would've done on Earth. Oh well. They are actually called 'cutie' marks but I refuse on my honour and pride to not call them that. I'm not the only creature displeased with the name so it doesn't sound weird I say 'destiny' mark in a conversation.

My distracted gaze wonders to the grandfather clock in the corner and see that my shift is almost done. Nine months is a long time being stuck in different time, especially since I haven't noticed it go so quickly. I asked Princess Celestia a while ago if the mages have found a way.

It's been six months, two days, five hours and thirty-five minutes since Princess Celestia has promised me that she'll get me home. I asked her council on one fine morning to arrange a meeting to see the progress for my home. They have granted me one today. With unrecognised guards on both my sides, I was being led down a winding hallway to where the mage tower was with the Princess already in there that will hopefully tell me good news.

We reach an ornate heavy dark oak door with symbols (magic runes?) and mystically they open without human or pony intervention. Medieval automatic slide doors? Sure, they've got magic. When I look inside I see the walls lined with books and tomes with the centre of the room full with metal machines and unicorns throwing magic to and fro. Next to some unicorns that wear purple and gold-accented robes is the Princess with a very small frown.

The Princess normally doesn't frown... hopefully her expression is just misleading.

Princess Celestia finally notices me and as she meets me halfway, her frown is replaced with a neutral smile. "Good afternoon Boris, how has your stay been? Is there anything else you would acquire? Actually wouldn't it be better to have some tea?"

She's beating around the bush, "Your highness, I'm tired and worried. I've been waiting months for an answer and sorry for being impolite but can I just have one?"

Celestia gives me a surprised look, "You are not like my ponies... very well," her expression becomes sterner, "So far the mages have found nothing and I myself have found nothing in the Canterlot Archives regarding dimensional portals. We found traces of magic near your area of arrival so we can't pinpoint where you planet is. Even if we did find your planet, such knowledge of magic that powerful has been lost in time. We only have one artefact left like it and it leads to a planet with creatures that don't match what you have said about your species. I'm sorry, but for now you're going to have to stay a little longer." Celestia finishes her talk and casts her gaze aside, slightly ashamed that she can't help an innocent to get home.

My anger starts to boil and red flashes across my sight and for a brief moment I envision my hands digging into Celestia's feeble neck. I ball up my hands into fists of violence and my mouth forms a silent snarl. Celestia looks back at me to see my expression and she takes a step back in worry for her safety, none of the mages or guards notice anything amiss though.

Normally my temper doesn't raise that quickly but in a land where violence is almost non-existent and there are no modern sources of entertainment I had nothing to let my stress and frustrations out on. For the past six months, I have been building up rage. Before I go off like a nuke Celestia decides to try and calm me.

"Boris, I know this is hard for you but you must have patience. I will find you a way home and it will be in your lifetime. There are many other ways to travel aside from portals," a motherly smile finds its way on her face and she takes a few steps towards me and put an re-assuring hoof on my shoulder, "Please calm down. It will do nopony here good getting violent and you'll feel even worse. If you want I can let you spar with the guards every weekend to let out some anger."

Red washes away from my vision and my fists are no longer ghosts on Celestia's neck. She is being reasonable and I do want some activity aside from work to de-stress.

I give out a sigh, "Alright, I'll take you up on that offer. Sorry for almost blowing up your highness," I relax my face and give her a tired smile, one I'm sure she uses all the time.

...And I was disappointed by her answer. I still have high hopes for the day when comes round and says she has found a way. Luckily I'm quite good at multitasking so while I had my small trip in memory lane I finished my work for the first shift.

Suddenly a wild Derpy appears!

Suddenly, through the door Derpy barges in crying her eyes out. I spring up from my seat and rush to comfort my good friend and co-worker.

"Derpy please calm down, what happened?" my soothing tone and question gave the distressed pegasus a chance to calm down.

Once she wasn't sniffing every second she replied, "*sniff*I-I just don't know w-what went w-wrong! I-I was giving M-Ms Gem's mail at her house *sniff* w-when Jet Set turned round the c-corner and started insulting m-me! H-He called me a f-freak and a klutz pegasus bitc-"

I quickly interrupted her before she started crying again, "That's enough Derpy! Jet Set is just one of those mean 'nobles'. This has been going on for far too long, I'll need to put a stop to this", nasty thoughts enter my mind about what I'll do to those snobs for hurting my best friend.

I'll show those arrogant pieces of crap why you don't mess with a human and their friends

Derpy sees my twisted snarl and the evil glint in my eyes and she quickly extinguishes it.

She gets in front of me and waves her hooves in an attempt to dissuade me, "W-We don't have to hurt them! W-We just need to tell the P-Princess and they'll stop!"

And she did manage it; I immediately get rid of my dark thoughts and expression. I started to plan a suitable date to see the Princess and how to tell her that her perfect pony nobles are bullies and should reconsider their titles.

"You're right Derpy, sorry to scare you like that."

Derpy's lovely bright smile came back, "It's alright, we all have our bad moments. You're my best friend anyway, so I have nothing to fear from you!" She then got a startled expression, "Oh wait! It's your shift now isn't it? Well hurry up buddy! You don't wanna be late!"

Zipping around the room with her unkempt wings, Derpy collects all the mail and dumps it into my (quite large) baby blue satchel and also any small packages; the bigger ones have to be collected and we give out a note when they have to collect it. How else would we move two tonne cabinets? None of us have magic and Derpy isn't strong enough to carry something like that, only the smaller packages she can manage.

She hands me my satchel, "Thanks Derpy, though you know I could've done that myself right?" I give Derpy a friendly smirk.

"Yeah I know but I can do it faster. You're a really nice human and I like helping anyway", she returned my smirk, "Now go and deliver the mail! It's your shift now!"

With a quick wave and a 'see ya later!' I departed from the Canterlot's post office and headed out to do my duty.

It's been roughly two hours since I started my second shift and so far I've had no problems with the nobles; I walk up to their homes and slip the mail in their mailboxes or the slits in the doors. Sometimes, when I see the pony I have mail for I just hand it over to them. On Earth this would be considered very rude and even wrong as I could give it to the wrong person, it isn't like that in Canterlot though. Canterlot isn't the largest city in Equestria, not like Manehatten or Trottingham that have been industrialised. Canterlot hasn't industrialised yet so it isn't as large, even though it's the capital. It's why everything here looks like it's from a clean version of the medieval era. This city is mainly for the nobles and the Princess, not many commoners get to live here. There are many tourists coming everyday but they don't get mail.

As I walk down Cobble Street, I see a café with another friend that I have made on my short stay here inside, Fleur De Lis. We both met when I ran into her while rushing to work on my tenth day here and after sorting ourselves out we introduced each other and went to have some coffee after work. She's one of the rare nobles that you can actually tolerate and even become friends with. Fleur has a luscious two-toned pearl white and soft pink mane and an groomed ivory coat, similar to the Princess, and a destiny mark of three Fleur De Lis (one yellow and the other two are purple). She has beautiful magenta orbs for eyes and a fabulous French accent, a perfect image of a pony model.

While I don't have any mail for her currently that doesn't mean I can't visit one of my friends briefly, I have a decently light schedule anyway.

I'm just a few paces away and she doesn't notice me until I call out, "Heya Fleur! How are you this fine day?"

She looks up at me from her afternoon coffee and gives me a genuine smile, the ones you never see around on the nobles, "What a pleasant surprise to see you Boris! I'm quite well thank you, but I wish I had some company," she gave me subtle hint on what she wanted.

"Unfortunately, I still have my job to do and I can't stay here. I would love to meet up after today, an early meeting if you want," I adjusted my satchel, staying still in one place drives me mad.

Her smile stayed on her face, "Sure! Of course of course, but Fancy might not be able to make it today though as he has a meeting with some other nobles."

After meeting Fleur, she introduced me to her husband: Sir Fancy Pants. He's a very nice fellow and even though he dresses and speaks like an aristocratic snob, he definitely doesn't behave like one. We three always have coffee after work even weekend, sometimes even Derpy joins us. She's not a massive fan of coffee or politics so she doesn't come as often. Also she has two children to take care of so it's understandable. I've met Sparkler and Dinky a week after meeting Derpy and when I'm near the elementary school early on my second shift I make sure to stop by and say hi to Dinky. Sparkler is in Canterlot's School for Gifted Unicorns which is like a private school and Dinky is the much younger sister, around eight years old.

"Well that's a bummer. I'm sure we'll see him next time though," my shoulders sag from the revelation and the weight of the mail (I know it's just paper but there is a lot of it!).

Fleur gains a more serious look and leans in with a quieter voice, "Oh and word from the industry says that some nobles are banding up together in a mutual affair. That mutual affair has been hinted to be you so please be careful."

My smile drops. I sigh and rub my temple. Sudden news like this sometimes worries me, especially if it's about scheming noble snobs.

I look at the sun and then to the pile of mail in my satchel, "Thank you for the information and I will look out for myself so don't worry. I'm sorry to cut this short Fleur but I really have to go now, so bye!"

"Farewell mon amie and say hi to Derpy as well!"

With my hasty retreat I move on to the next address.

Several hours have gone by quite quickly with the only other pony I saw that I recognised as an acquaintance was Twilight Velvet. She's an author for a book series for foals, I haven't read it but I always have some mail for her about book approvals or some limited editions. I'm currently walking down Fresh Avenue on the way to the post office with a spring in my step and an empty satchel. Slightly skipping and humming a tune, I make my way down an unnamed alleyway which I use as a shortcut on a daily basis. My happy and normal afternoon was about to get ruined, noble style.

"Well hello there monkey, what a displeasure it is to see you here and still not in the dungeons where you belong," out of the shadows comes out the one of the most hated nobles: Jet Set.

With the clip clop of more hooves I see a few other 'friends' of his materialise out of the darkness. To his left is his wife Upper Crust and the two others on the right of him are ones that I don't know the names of nor have I actually seen around in Canterlot. Jet set is a unicorn stallion with a dark grey curly mane and a light grey coat. He wears small round glasses at the end of his muzzle with sea blue eyes. His wife has a two-toned light lavender and white mane and a vanilla yellow coat. Both have a shirt on them with a jumper draped over their backs; Jet Set has a green shirt and white jumper while Upper Crust has a white shirt and bright pink jumper. Both ponies look like they are in their mid-thirties as well.

With caution I back off slightly and get ready in a barely noticeable battle stance, ready for anything these unicorns do to me.

"What do you want Jet Set," I don't like talking to him so I narrowed my eyes menacingly and gave him a threatening tone.

He seemed unfazed though, "Now now Boris, no need for violence. We are civilised ponies after all," they all gain a smirk, " You are a disgusting and dangerous creature Boris, you shouldn't be anywhere near us ponies. Nopony has the sense and bravery to stand up to you so we will. We would like to just notify you that if you continue living in Canterlot you might start getting 'accidents' and life will be much more unpleasant, just like it should be for an animal like you." As soon as he finished talking all their smirk dropped back to their neutral condescending look, the 'I'm better than you' look.

How ironic for the pony to call me an animal...

My stance and gaze never changes, "You've given your warning, so screw off before I call the guards."

Upper Crust gives me a glare, "How uncultured, you could've at least tried to prove us wrong."

She finished talking and the group walked backwards into the shadows and promptly disappeared.

I better take another route, I didn't see their horns glowing so there is a high chance they are just waiting for my back to turn. Actually I better stick to the open streets now.

I wasn’t afraid of the nobles, but I was worried on who they can send after me. The nobles play dirty in their game of politics and creature removal, and no one would dare try anything on me or Derpy while in front of many ponies.

Earlier on I gave Jet Set his mail to his manor and I'm quite pleased that I put it inside his trashcan instead. That's probably illegal but screw him.

I didn't let my stance relax until I was back at the post office where I noticed the paper that I didn't read this morning. After flipping through some boring and unimportant content I come across a page with the title 'Dirty secrets of an disgraceful alien' and frown.

Looks like he was already started trying to bring me down for a while, or he just has lots of connections to get this posted

For some reason I have a small flashback to the first time I read the newspaper here and saw that the writing language is exactly the same as English. I take a glance back to the article and to what Derpy advised this late morning.

I really need to speak to Celestia about these ponies.

Author's Note

Second chapter :twilightsmile:. I have no idea when the next chapetr might come out, either in the next few weeks or sometime late August. Hopefully you liked this chapter and sorry for it being shorter than the first one :twilightblush:.