How Does She Do It?

by The 24th Pegasus

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Fluttershy, Sex
Length: 3502

An extremely intoxicated Twilight rants to Fluttershy about her own lacking love life and, in contrast, the quite prolific love life of her student.

Twilight Sparkle has taught Starlight more friendship lessons than she can remember, and she's extremely proud of her student. But in some ways, she's jealous. Fluttershy, being the only sober mare within earshot, is unfortunately about to discover just how jealous.

Maybe Equestria will still be standing when all is said and done.

Art by Pirill
Sex tag for discussion of sex lives (or lack thereof) and general innuendo.

Published 2017-05-31 01:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-31 01:00:01 UTC

What Am I Doing Wrong?

Fluttershy quietly touched down in front of Twilight’s castle, the sun already setting behind her. She’d really wanted to come earlier, but helping Pinkie Pie prepare for Angel’s birthday party had taken much longer than she’d expected. She’d found herself having to play mediator between Pinkie’s expertise and Angel’s somewhat misguided vision for his special day, and then she had to take a nap afterwards if she just wanted to survive the rest of the evening. Trying to explain to Angel bunny why getting a larger than life statue of his likeness made out of white gold was impossible had been an ordeal in and of itself. She really couldn’t afford to mortgage her cottage again, especially after all it’d taken to establish her animal sanctuary.

She probably should start getting Gina to pay rent. That little charade had gone on long enough. It’d been funny at first, but now she was getting noise complaints from the other critters about the giraffe’s parties, and the Everfree Homeowners’ Association was threatening to close the place down.

Something to talk to Twilight about, hopefully. Twilight loved solving pointless problems, so maybe Fluttershy wouldn’t have to deal with it herself.

Fluttershy stopped in front of the doors to the castle and let her eyes travel up the structure. The enormous crystalline monstrosity that had spiked the property values of every house in Ponyville (and devastated real estate values in all the neighboring towns, causing numerous layoffs and the collapse of the housing market) glittered in the starlight and the final rays of the sunset in the west. It was a beautiful sight, and artists from all across Equestria regularly gathered to work it into their paintings. In fact, a loose ring of them currently circled the fake tree structure, all working on masterpieces that would probably be sold off at a yard sale in a few years for a hoofful of bits.

And then a bird slammed into the highly polished walls right next to Fluttershy and fell to the ground in a twitching heap.

After conducting an impromptu funeral for Mr. Robin and brushing his corpse under a bush to be dealt with later, Fluttershy leaned against the doors to the castle and struggled with all her might to get them open. It took her a few minutes of grunting and squeaking and panting, but she managed to open the huge crystal monoliths just enough to slip inside. As soon as she did so, she heard another thud against the door, and she looked behind her to see the sparrow twitching on the ground. Sighing, she closed the door and shook her head. He’d be fine; he just needed to shake it off. Twilight’s castle was certainly doing its part to ensure that only the strongest and smartest of the birds in Ponyville would survive to pass on their genes.

Fluttershy flinched as her hooves echoed up and down the empty hall of the castle. It was something she’d never gotten used to, and she really wanted to hang up some noise-reducing paneling, but every time she mentioned it during Twilight’s weekly “What in Celestia’s Name Are We Going to Do with a Huge Castle Right in the Middle of Ponyville” meetings, or WCNAWGDHCRMP meetings for short (which Rainbow Dash insisted on pronouncing ‘Wickna Wugduh Crimp’ like some sort of dark magic ritual chanting), Rarity shot her down. Fluttershy figured that Rarity didn’t like that idea because it meant fewer reflective surfaces for her to admire herself in. But she wasn’t going to say that out loud, and besides, that wasn’t important right now.

“Ummm… Twilight?” Fluttershy squeaked, her voice echoing and bouncing off the walls of the castle like birds. “Are you home? We, um, promised that we were going to talk about… well, you know, the thing?” She made it to the end of the hall and poked her head into the map room but didn’t see anypony there, and Twilight’s cutie mark wasn’t over the map so Fluttershy knew she wasn’t on a booty call. Even she giggled to herself a little bit as she thought about the name Rainbow and Pinkie gave the map summons. Although that made her a little sad, too. As much as it sometimes scared her, Fluttershy wished that the map would ring her up for a booty call sometime soon. It’d been a while.

She chewed on her lip and fidgeted as her wingtips touched her flanks. It’d been a long while.

At least she had her animals.

The pitter patter of claws on hardened amethyst floors caught Fluttershy’s attention, and she turned to see Spike walking towards her, touching clawtips together. “Oh, hey, Fluttershy,” Spike said, though he seemed kind of distracted. “What are you doing here? Map didn’t call you, did it?”

“No, I’m not on a booty call,” Fluttershy said, her ears drooping a little.

Spike froze in place, the gears in his mind whirring. “Oh, well, uh, okay. I mean, Twilight made it sound like… I thought…” He vigorously shook his head to scatter those thoughts. “A-Anyway, what can I help you with?”

“I was going to talk to Twilight,” Fluttershy said. “Is she home?”

“Oh yes she is,” Spike grumbled, crossing his claws. “Though she probably really shouldn’t—”

Before Spike could finish his sentence and potentially save Fluttershy from having a story to tell her friends later, a door further down the hallway slammed open. Out staggered Twilight, her head a little bit askew as if it was in danger of simply rolling off her neck, and one wing tucked in tighter than the other. “Spike? Why’d you…” Her eyes widened as soon as she saw Fluttershy. “Oh! Fluttershy! So great to see you! How’s my favorite shy yellow pony?”

“You know another shy yellow pony?” Fluttershy asked, daring to get her hopes up. Maybe she wasn’t alone in the cold and unforgiving universe.

Twilight stuck her tongue out and waved her hoof. “Pbbbbbt nah! You’re the shyest and the yellowest!”

Knowing Twilight, she probably had the statistical data to back it up within three standard deviations. Fluttershy had only recently learned that those were not a unit of measurement based around Cheerilee’s night life.

She didn’t even know that ponies could do that with apples.

Hopefully Applejack wouldn’t find out. Though it was probably too late for that.

…Definitely too late.

When she snapped out of her inner thoughts and growing concerns about ponies she knew, Fluttershy found herself almost nose to nose with a swaying Twilight. Her friend’s eyes may have been on her face, but it looked like her brain was currently trying to slip out the back door to escape its alcoholic spouse. Not literally of course, although when it came to unicorns, and especially to alicorns, and especially to Twilight, it was always helpful to clarify. Clearing her throat, Fluttershy gently nudged Twilight back a step. “Um… Twilight, are you okay?” She sniffed the air and immediately wrinkled her nose at her friend’s breath. “How much cider have you been drinking?”

“I swear to drunk I’m not Celestia,” Twilight said, exaggeratedly winking at Fluttershy before falling into a fit of giggles. “I’m actually not. That’d be silly. Though I do feel like I could raise the sun if I wanted to…”

Fluttershy swallowed hard. She wasn’t ready to become charred cinders on what was left of Equestria after drunk Twilight was done with it. She still had so much left she wanted to do with her life, like…

Um…

Hmmmmm…

Completely unaware of the horrible existential dread slowly engulfing Fluttershy and her growing recollection of unfulfilling days and wasted opportunities never to return, Spike slowly backed away and slunk towards the corner. “Well, I’m glad you’re here, Fluttershy. I’m gonna go read some comics and, uh, let you deal with her! Just don’t let her blow the place up or overthrow the Princesses or get near any cheesy quesadillas.” He paused, nervously laughed, and then disappeared around the corner. “Good luck!”

Fluttershy wanted to go after him. In fact, every instinct in her body screamed at her to fly away as fast as she could. She’d never seen Twilight this drunk before, and she didn’t know what would happen if the alicorn got it in her head that she wanted to cast some spells, or if she happened to stumble across the mother of all quesadillas. But another dull thud echoing throughout the castle reminded her of her mission, and sighing, she rubbed her temples and gently began shepherding Twilight back the way she came. “Okay, Twilight, let’s get you all taken care of, okay? Let’s just go sit down so you don’t fall over or something or accidentally wander into the kitchen.”

Twilight pushed against her and wandered off on her own path. “Yeah, yeah, that sounds good. Good! Goo-oo-ood.” She hesitated at the doorframe she’d emerged from earlier and scrunched up her muzzle. “…Stupendous!”

Fluttershy sighed and roughly shoved Twilight through the door. The Princess of Friendship staggered forward but managed to catch her balance, and giggling to herself, immediately made a beeline for a bar in the back of the room. Fluttershy knew some bees who would’ve been appalled by Twilight’s pitiful recreation of a beeline. Thankfully they weren’t here to see this. Otherwise they might use this diplomatic insult as casus belli to wage a devastating war with Equestria, one they could not hope to win.

“Since when did the castle have a bar?” Fluttershy asked, looking it over. Everything was made of crystal, from the bar itself, to the shelves, and even the stools. Though at least the stools probably weren’t too uncomfortable once a pony downed a ton of alcohol and couldn’t feel their tail anymore. And judging by the innumerous bottles of Apple Family hard cider, griffon whiskey, and Stalliongradian vodka lining the shelves, it wouldn’t be long before they hit that point.

Fluttershy licked her lips upon seeing it all. If only she’d known about this sooner. After a long day of dealing with Angel’s antics, she really needed a drink.

She also made a mental note to go and buy another five handles of griffon jaegermeister tomorrow. It was good to be prepared for the rougher days. Hopefully that’d last the month.

Twilight staggered over to the bar and sat down on one of the crystal stools; Fluttershy already knew that she was long past the point of feeling her tail. She took a nervous step back as her friend’s horn lit, but she was only reaching for an open cider bottle sitting in front of her. It shook in her grip and splashed out of the glass when she poured it, but after a few seconds and a messy bar later, she happily put the bottle down and purred. After taking a long sip from her glass, she offered it to Fluttershy, cider sloshing over the edges. “Wanna drink?”

“Oh, um, sure,” Fluttershy said, taking the glass in her wing. She took a sip before returning it, and purred at the taste. Fidgeting slightly, she pointed toward the alcohol on the shelves. “Is it okay if I make my own, Twilight?”

“Of course, Flyshy!” Twilight exclaimed, giggling and taking another sip from her glass. Fluttershy quickly recentered her with a wing as she passed before Twilight could fall off of the stool, and then went nosing through the bottles. “What do ya want? I’ve got cider, I’ve got vodka, I’ve got whatever.” Her eyes widened when Fluttershy pulled out the bottle of 100 proof vodka and set it down on the bar. “You sure? That stuff’s really strong, and it hits like a runaway wagon…”

“Don’t worry, I’m only going to have a little,” Fluttershy said, pulling out a tumbler and dropping a few ice cubes into it. Filling it up, she took the glass in her wing and looked it over for a second before tilting her head back and slamming down the whole thing in two gulps. With a happy sigh, she put the glass of ice cubes back down and filled it up again before capping the vodka bottle and setting it aside. This time, she only took a sip from the tumbler and walked back around the bar to sit down next to Twilight. “This is very good. Did the castle come with this? I mean, it seemed to come with everything else, like beds and tables and stained glass windows…”

“Uhhh… N-No, I had to get it myself,” Twilight said, staring down at her glass of cider and shuffling her wings to hide her embarrassment. Frowning, she emptied her cider as fast as she could, then grabbed the bottle of vodka and filled her glass up with it as well. She took a single sip and tried her hardest to suppress a disgusted face. Coughing once, she put on a smile and nodded to Fluttershy. “This is… really good!”

Fluttershy nodded, but inwardly sighed. She really needed to teach her friends how to drink. Applejack could at least drink cider all day, but it seemed like a single drop of anything not made with apples ended her immediately. And Rainbow Dash…

Well, the less she thought about Rainbow Dash and alcohol, the better. Ponies who drank that much Crystal Light shouldn’t be allowed near bars. They offended professionals like Fluttershy.

Pushing the tumbler back and forth between her hooves, Fluttershy took another sip and glanced at Twilight. “So, um, what’s the occasion?” She prayed to Celestia that there was an occasion. She didn’t want this to become a regular thing for Twilight. Ponyville probably wouldn’t survive.

Twilight frowned at her glass. “Starlight’s on a date,” she muttered.

Fluttershy’s ears perked up. “Oh, a date? Exciting!” She briefly smiled, but Twilight didn’t return it. Clearing her throat, she leaned forward a bit. “Um, with who? It’s not with Trixie, isn’t it?” For being the Princess of Friendship and everything, Twilight could really hold a grudge. She still wouldn’t let Fluttershy look after Owlowiscious after the incident with the baby mice.

It wasn’t even her fault that their heads had ended up on Twilight’s pillow!

“Maud,” Twilight said. “She’s on a date with Maud Pie of all ponies.”

Fluttershy blinked. “That’s not a bad thing, is it?”

“A bad thing?” Twilight glared at Fluttershy. “Who ends up in a relationship after flying kites with somepony once or twice?! How does that even work?!”

“I mean, they did other things, too, Twilight,” Fluttershy said. “They went and found Maud’s new home together, and they both had to deal with Pinkie Pie’s antics.” Touching her hoof to her lips, she hummed in thought. “Actually, just any two ponies having to deal with Pinkie Pie’s misguided attempts to get them to be friends might be a good enough reason to get in a relationship…”

Then a thought occurred to her. “Wait, I thought I saw Starlight at dinner with Sunburst yesterday. And they were both wearing really nice clothes… and Sunburst had lipstick on the side of his muzzle…”

Twilight groaned and slammed her forehead into the bar, putting a sizeable crack in its formerly pristinely polished surface. Fluttershy just hoped that there weren’t corresponding cracks in her skull, but Twilight was an alicorn, so she probably was fine. “I don’t get it!” she growled. “How?! How does she do it?!”

“Well, um, I guess it’s because she’s an extremely attractive and mature mare who knows what she wants?” She hesitated a second and blushed a bit, rubbing her hoof along the back of her neck. “And she’s certainly got the insecurities part down… it’s kind of cute, if you ask me…”

“And everypony else, apparently!” Twilight exclaimed. “It’s not only Maud or Sunburst, either! I’ve caught her and Trixie in the map room before! Do you want to know what they were doing with Canterlot Castle?!”

“Um… no?” Fluttershy squeaked. “Can we… can we change the subject? I wanted to talk to you about your castle… and the birds… and how Ponyville’s avian population is extremely endangered.” She swallowed. “I, um, think I found the correlation between the three…”

But Twilight wasn’t listening. She took another sip of her vodka, coughed violently, nearly fell off her stool, and ended up splashing one of Stalliongrad’s only three exports (the others being potatoes and proletariat fervor) over her coat. “And guess what? They’re not the only three! Sunset Shimmer came back through the mirror the other day, and when I got back, I found out that she and Starlight had a romantic night in the human world! They're even mailing chocolates through the portal to each other! It’s insane! Utterly insane!”

Fluttershy glanced down at her drink. She knew she was going to need another before this was over tonight. Downing the glass in one swig, she quickly grabbed the bottle again and refilled it to the brim.

“So are you going to give her a lesson about relationships?” Fluttershy asked her. “I mean, it sounds like she needs to learn that it’s not okay to be in four relationships at once. Unless they’re all consenting, that is, but it still sounds like something that you should talk to her about, right?”

“What?” Twilight asked, blinking out of sync several times. “No! I just want to know how?!” Spinning on her stool, she put her hooves on Fluttershy’s shoulders and shook her a few times. “What is she doing that I’m not?!”

Fluttershy simply stared at Twilight. Her brain had to hire out a whole second team of workers to get the wheels turning again. Finally, she managed a simple, “What?”

“I don’t get it!” Twilight yelled. “What is she doing that I’m not? How come she can get laid whenever she wants, up, down, and all around, but I can’t get a single date!” Recoiling from Fluttershy, Twilight held out her wings. “Is it the wings? The whole alicorn thing? Do I intimidate ponies? I mean, I can totally understand that ponies are afraid of dating one of the princesses of Equestria, but come on! I need love just as much as they do! Maybe even more so! Alicorns are weird like that!”

“Really?”

“I don’t know! I certainly haven't been able to compare my sex life now to my sex life when I was a unicorn! They're the same! I just know that I’m twenty-two and still a virgin!” She spun back to Fluttershy again. “One of the princesses of Equestria is a virgin! Can you believe that?!”

Fluttershy bit her lip. “Well, um, I mean, everypony knows that Celestia—”

“And yet Starlight, the pony who until recently was running an evil cult in the middle of nowhere, is banging three mares and a stallion! What does she have that I don’t?!”

Groaning, Twilight simply laid her head down on the bar, her drunken tirade over. Fluttershy watched her for a little bit, unsure of what to do. Eventually, however, she decided that the best thing to do would be to finish her drink and let whatever happened next, happen.

Grimacing at the burn in her throat, she reached over and patted Twilight on the shoulder. “Um, Twilight?” she asked, already feeling the beginnings of a slight buzz taking hold of her limbs. “I, um… I mean… you and I could…” She inhaled and squeaked. “Do each other?”

Twilight’s ears perked up, and she slowly opened an eye to look at Fluttershy. The heat radiating off of her furiously blushing cheeks would’ve been enough to set the old Golden Oaks Library on fire, but thankfully the new crystal monstrosity was above such fates. After looking her over for a bit, Twilight sat up and gently rested a hoof on Fluttershy’s shoulder.

The yellow mare gasped and looked at Twilight, her eyes full with quiet hope.

“Fluttershy?” Twilight asked, her voice a soft whisper.

Fluttershy swallowed hard. “Y-Yes?”

“You’re… I mean… you…”

The pegasus almost stopped breathing. Her wings twitched in anticipation.

“You’re not really my type.”

The drop of a pin probably would have deafened the two of them in the silence that followed.

Fluttershy blinked as Twilight took her hoof off of the pegasus’ shoulder. After a solid minute to find her breath, she managed a simple, “O-Oh.”

Twilight rubbed the back of her neck. “Yeah…”

“I… see…”

“It’s not you, I promise, it’s just…” Twilight blinked as her sluggish mind searched for the right words. “…you?”

Both ponies tapped their glasses in silence. It was another five minutes before Fluttershy broke it. “I could… wear my Princess Celestia costume we used to help Rainbow Dash learn Wonderbolts history.”

Twilight’s ears perked up. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to down the rest of the vodka and suppressed the coughing fit that followed. After a moment, she smiled at the pegasus.

“My bedroom in ten minutes.”

Author's Note

When in doubt, blame fourths