The Legend of Buttdial: Sci-Twi's Awakening
It was seven o'clock in the evening on a Thursday. Twilight Sparkle sat alone in her room—as she always did—elbow deep in a thoroughly engrossing homework assignment. Well, it started as a simple three-page homework assignment. Then—as always—it tumorously evolved into a completely tangential experiment in proposed mathematical theorems and quantum physical postulations. Ten notebook pages stretched beneath Twilight's four-eyed gaze, filled to the brim with probability distributions and sketcherly graphite tributes to Heisenberg.
It was quite impressive... considering that Twilight's homework assignment was a simple essay about the life and times of Joan of Arc.
“Hmmmmm...” Twilight Sparkle tapped her lips with the eraser of her pencil. Despite sitting comfortably in the confines of her very own bedroom, illuminated by a dim desk-lamp, she was still fully-garbed in a stereotypically prim and proper blouse/skirt ensemble—an unshakable echo of her Crystal Prep days. But since joining Canterlot High, there were already signs that Twilight was learning to relax. For instance, she wasn't wearing a bow tie. “Nothing like a waltz with Planck's constant to top off an evening.” She smiled over her shoulder in the vague direction of her bed. “Heehee—say... did you hear the classic joke that begins with 'Heisenberg, Bohr, and a blonde walk into a bar?'”
Spike said nothing. He lay on his back atop a pastel mountain of wrinkled duvets, happily chasing upside-down squirrels in his sleep.
“Ehhhh... never mind.” Twilight adjusted her spectacles in the penumbra of the glow-in-the-dark stars across her ceiling. “The punchline has something to do with 'Einstein's Slit.' Even I don't understand it—and I'm ten years older than you. Also I'm not a dog.”
With a melodic sigh, Twilight gazed at the original three pages that began her assignment. She thought of English longbow men, plagues, castle sieges, and schizophrenic young girls being burned at the stake. A yawn escaped her throat, and she stretched for the full portion of a minute.
“Mmmmmm... when I grow up, Spike, I want to invent a cure for sleep. Do you suppose I should start writing a patent now?”
Right at that moment, a George Harrison song started playing.
Twilight blinked. By the twelfth guitar chord, she was smiling happily. Then—she briefly pondered over how random and late in the evening the phone call was. Then she smiled happily again.
Her hand flew towards the cell phone resting on the edge of the desk. As she lifted it to her face, the photo of a red-haired teenager with beautiful turquoise eyes smiled luminously back at her. All it took was a swift finger-swipe, and Twilight accepted the call.
“Hello Sunset!” she chirped, smiling into the Hubble Deep Field poster positioned above her desk. Her eyes twinkled with just as many stars as she held the phone to her teenage ear. “Nice weather we're having, yes?” She had been told—by Rarity, perhaps—that she should experiment more in casual conversation. “A distinct lack of cumulonimbus calvus into the evening despite seventy percent humidity and an advancing warm front!” She wondered if she would ever overdo it someday.
But then—there was no response from the other line.
Twilight blinked. “Hello?” She squinted nervously at the device being cradled in her hand. “Sunset? Do you... not want to have casual meteorological discourse?” More silence. She gulped. “This isn't about what I said in the cafeteria at lunch today, is it? I mean... if I had known you developed such a love for Beakman's World after discovering Netflix—”
Right at that moment... Twilight heard a rustling sound. Followed by more rustling. There was something high-pitched, like a whimper... and then click.
The call ended. The phone went silent.
Twilight's heart sank, although she didn't know why. She held the phone outward from her gaping mouth like it was diseased.
“What...?” A breath. “But why...?” Another breath. Twilight Sparkle bit her lip. “...is... is Sunset mad at me?”
Right that very instant—George Harrison's guitar strings filled the room once again. The chords were tranquil and heavenly, and they startled Twilight like the rush of an oncoming train.
Clearing her throat, she swiped the phone's screen and held it once more to her ear. Her voice was far more tender and nervous this time. “H-hello?”
A growling sound.
Or... perhaps...
It was a dragging sound.
Sandpaper against sandpaper.
Thumping tires in the distance.
A distorted sobbing... accompanied by church bells underwater.
Twilight held one hand over her chest to contain her thudding heartbeats. “Sunset...?” she breathed, although it barely came out in a squeak. Twilight was suddenly aware of just how dry her throat was. “Sunny...” She attempted. “...is... is everything alright? You're scaring me—”
Click.
Twilight grimaced. Before she knew it, she was hopping up on her numb feet. Pacing. Shuffling back and forth while her heart beat a million miles a minute.
“Oh no... oh no oh no oh no...”
She clutched the phone to her chest as her eyes watered.
“She must be in trouble! Kidnapped! Maybe it's Principal Cinch out for revenge! Or... or... or m-maybe Gloriosa Daisy has transformed again! Or what if some nasty horse demon from Equestria has invaded our world on a blood-thirsty quest for revenge?!” She spun to face Spike. “That can happen, r-right? Horse demons? Thirsting for blood and carrots!” Twilight shook her fist. “Where and how can I find blood carrots of appeasement at this hour?!”
Spike growled in his sleep, then dangled his tongue out as he enjoyed the scent of a fresh rodent kill.
“I... I-I have to call the others! Rainbow Dash! Applejack! Fluttershy!” Twilight Sparkle gulped. “Okay—maybe not Fluttershy, unless horse demons have a soft spot for tambourines. But still! I-I have to do something! Sunset Shimmer's in trouble and... and wh-what kind of a friend would I be if I didn't—”
Guitar chords.
“Aaack!” Twilight jumped in place. The phone flew from her hands, and she punched the air several times—juggling the device—until she finally grasped ahold of it once again. Her fingers kissed the surface and soon she was cradling the thing to her face. “Hold on, Sunset! Everything's going to be alright! I'm going to call our friends and we'll mount a rescue—”
A word. Twilight heard a word. It was delicate, fabulous, and two-syllable'd. Even in the deep recesses of her mind—under psychological torture—Twilight could recognize it in scarcely a blink. It was the word “Darling,” and there was no question who the voice belonged to.
Twilight's lavender forehead furrowed. “Rarity...?”
Sure enough, she was hearing Rarity's voice. And as soon as dialogue—muffled and obscured—ended its intricate speech, another voice entered the fray. A warmer voice. A voice that blanketed Twilight's ears, body, and soul with joy and contentment.
“...just don't want... too strong... met only a few months ago, y'know...?”
“Sunset?” Twilight wheezed, regaining the breath in her lungs as her heartbeat slowed to something sane and healthy. “Sunset? Hello? Can you hear me?”
There was no response. The conversation continued, and now that Twilight's pulse was far less frenetic, she could actually relax and be still long enough to make out the words being said—muffled as they were.
“Sunset, you're being too hard on yourself. Give yourself some credit. You put all of those nefarious things behind you long ago! Need I remind you that it was a considerable amount of time before the two of you even met?”
“I know, I know. I'm a new person now. I get that. But you and the rest of the girls have... like... seen me make that transformation. You were there for the good as well as the bad. That's not the case here. I'd have to... explain so much.”
“Or you could just say nothing and let who you are now be all that needs to be known.”
“Rarity...”
“Honestly, darling! What's the harm in being... harmless? Enjoy it! Live it up! But don't live it up alone! Make your move!”
Twilight breathed and breathed. As blood rushed back into her head—so did her memories. She suddenly recalled that Sunset Shimmer and Rarity were planning on hanging out at the local shopping mall that evening. The subdued sound of pop music squawking in the muffled distance was a testament to that—as was the low hush of crowd noise.
“Sunsettttt?” Twilight smiled slyly into the artificial starlight of her nerdy room. “Did you just dial my phone by accident?” She stifled a giggle as relief continued to wash over her body. “I can hear you and Rarity talking about—”
“I can't 'make my move,' Rarity!”
“And why not?”
“Because Twilight's... she's... it's... mmrmmff... she's in a very delicate place right now. And she's so sweet. She's so precious. She's so sweet—”
“You said 'sweet' twice, darling.”
“Rarity! I'm trying to say that I care too much about her to ask her out right now!”
Twilight blinked. Hard.
Weak in the knees, she slumped down onto the edge of her bed.
The muscles in her arm had frozen... which was a good enough excuse for why she couldn't take the phone away from her ear.
“I'm certain you don't give her enough credit, Sunset.”
“Far from it. Twilight's smart. She's tenacious. God knows she's dealt with worse stuff back in Crystal Prep. But right now—more than anything—she needs friends. She needs to... to find her feet. And I don't want to mess that up, y'know?”
“But don't you think you'd be improving things? Lord knows you'd be a lot saner for it.”
“It's not all about me, Rarity. That's what I keep trying to tell you. I want... I... I-I just want Twilight to be happy. Everything is... is just right when she's happy.”
“Mmmmhmmmm... like when you had that conversation today about that show that she wanted you to watch on Netflix? Did you see how her eyes lit up when you talked about the episodes you watched?”
“Heehee... yeah... I thought her irises were going to poke through the lenses of her glasses. And... and you see how she wrings her hands and bows her head slightly whenever she's smiling? It's like she's melting inside. Ponies can never do that. I mean... just... just...”
“Heeheeheehee...”
“... … ...what? What are you laughing at, Rarity? I'm serious!”
“I know you are. It's just that... you have it real bad, darling. You are terribly, unavoidably, beautifully, tragically in love.”
“... … … … … … …hmmmm... … … … … I am, aren't I?”
“Well, I think it's sublime. And if you feel that you must take your time for the sake of preserving Twilight's feelings, then I will respect that. But I also think you're being a bit too cautious. You've made more than your fair share of sacrifices for our newest, most precious friend... and I think she—as a young lady—is more than capable of understanding your motivations. And I personally think it would open up a wonderful new door for the two of you.”
“Yes, well... I guess I'll just have to sleep on it.”
“Whatever works.”
“Thanks for the chat, Rarity. I don't know where I'd be without you.”
“I can tell you precisely where you'd be! In the dressing room!”
“Oh jeez! I've really held us back, haven't I?”
“Heehee—it's quite alright. Shall we return to business?”
“Yeah! Let's! I think I saw a sale over at—“
Movement.
Shuffling pant material.
Then—
Click.
Dead silence.
Twilight Sparkle breathed in and out.
She stared a thousand miles ahead of her.
She felt happy. Scared. Frozen. Melting.
The world outside her window was spinning so hard the crickets were seconds away from being thrown into the stratosphere. There was an ear-ringing seriousness to the moment... something that deserved being memorialized... like the first time Twilight remembered getting an A+ or her fourth-year-old birthday visit to a planetarium. She was ecstatically terrified... and desperate for a hug.
So she swiftly swept up the first source of warmth within arm's reach: Spike.
“Grmmfff... bork... chuuu...?” The fluffy little canine awoke drowsily in Twilight's arms. “Twilight...?” He rubbed his eye with a paw as he was cradled tightly to the teenager's chest. “Mrmmfff... what's wrong...?”
“Hmmmmm...” Twilight inhaled sharply. She laid against a hill of fluffy pillows, drawing her knees up as she squeezed Spike tighter and tighter. A big dumb smile produced a big dumb sound: “I think Sunset Shimmer might be in love with me.”
“Oh yeah...?” Spike yawned and closed his fuzzy eyelids. “...are you going to tell me next that water is wet?”
Twilight bit her bottom lip—but it still couldn't drive the smile away. The next hour drifted by, serenaded by warm sighs and the occasional, inward giggle. The polar ice caps were melting and within four billion years the Andromeda Galaxy would collide with the Milky Way, making all life impossible to survive for millions upon millions of irradiated solar systems.
Twilight Sparkle fell asleep with the very same smile, happier than she had ever been before.
