Monday...

by thedarkitty

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2974

There is one rule above all others that can never be broken. Never let a princess go without coffee on Monday.

Monday. The death of the weekend and the birth of a new week of work, hassles and annoyances. For Celestia there is nothing worse then a Monday. That is until she discovers a Monday without her daily supply of coffee.

Published 2017-05-31 11:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-31 11:20:01 UTC

Dire Consequences

Dire Consequences

Red lights flashed and alarms screeched in the royal kitchen of Canterlot Castle. Ponies in chef aprons, ponies in Solar Guard armor and ponies in a state of being half dressed in their respective uniforms all rushed and scurried around the kitchen like a colony of frenzied ants. Accompanying the flashing red lights and screeching alarms was a pony on a PA system shouting to try and bring order to the chaos.

“Attention all ponies! A level ten code red has been activated! Repeat! A level ten code red has been activated! All units reports to your stations! This is not a drill! Repeat! this is not a drill!”

Chef One walked calmly through the crowd of panicking ponies, his face a grim mask of determination to end this crisis before it was too late. He ascended a chair to give him height above everypony else and used his magic to bang a ladle against the bottom of a large pot. The frenzied ponies all looked to the source of the banging noise and Chef One kept his face a grim mask. He couldn’t show any of the fear he was feeling, not when his kitchen team needed a leader to guide them.

“Chef Two, where are you?!” he bellowed over the sound of the screeching alarm. Another unicorn raised his hoof into the air and waved it around until Chef One spotted him. “Take a dozen of our best ponies and organize a search team!”

“Yessir!” Chef Two saluted and bustled around the kitchens selecting ponies.

“The rest of you listen up,” Chef One said as soon as the alarm was shut off, his gaze lingering over the crowd of ponies. “We have yet to face a level ten code red. But I am confident we can make it through this if we work together. Remember your training, have each other’s backs and pray to the goddess we all get out of this alive. Alpha Team, you inform the guards of the situation. Beta Team, we still have a duty to feed the residents of this castle, Charlie Team, split up and offer support to the other teams where needed! Now, get to work!”

All at once the kitchen was back into its frenzied state, but this time there was a method to the madness. Two dozen ponies took over the cooking stations and went to work preparing everything they would be cooking during the day. Another two dozen ponies all bustled out of the kitchen and spread themselves throughout the castle to reach as many of the Solar Guards as possible in the hopes of stopping this unmitigated disaster before it get too out of hand. As instructed the Charlie Team spread themselves to lend backup and support where needed.

Chef One was still on his perch grimly watching the comings and goings of his kitchen team. If Alpha Team’s search efforts failed all hope would be lost. Nothing would be able to stop what would be coming next.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

It was Monday. Celestia grit and ground her teeth, the noise was muffled by the pillow she was holding firmly over her face as she tried to end this nightmare. There was always something in the air on Monday mornings. Something that made her hate everything and everyone around, something that just made her want to bring the sun’s awesome and devastating power crashing from the sky to burn the world away. She hated Mondays, they were the worst day of the week. There was very little she could think that was worse then Mondays.

She pulled the pillow away from her face and grimly accepted the fact she would never escape Monday mornings like that. Ever. But she would try again and again in the vain hope it would one day work. She didn’t want to get up. Luna had already raised the sun for her lazy flank so there was nothing to important she had to take care. The council meeting the noble ponies of Canterlot had arranged today wasn’t that important. Maybe they wouldn’t even notice she was absent if she just stayed in bed all day? Not that was hoping for too much. She would have to pluck a few of her feathers out for signs of a struggle, splash the bed with some fake blood, leave a fake assassin’s note and she could take the day off. Maybe if she asked nicely, Luna would let her sleep under bed?

Celestia sighed as she realized the fault in her plan. She was not up to doing all that work, not without her Monday morning jumbo cup of coffee, but to get that ponies would know she wasn’t assassinated. Sighing with resignation she rolled her lazy flank out bed and gritted her teeth with barely controlled annoyance as she stepped into her plate of left over cake she hadn’t finished last night. She really hated Mondays.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The ponies of Charlie Team moved with pure efficiency and speed. Their parkour skills allowed them to race through the castle’s halls and corridors without the need to worry about the rest of the castle staff getting in their way. Chef Six flared her wings and used them give her extra height as pounced over a maid pony and her cleaning trolley. If the Princess stuck to her usual Monday schedule she only had five more minutes to warn the Solar Guards of the imminent danger.

“Level ten code red!” she bellowed as she raced down a new hallway. She flew out the nearest window she could find and soared into window on the next level up. “Level ten code red!” she continued yelling as she raced through the halls. The Solar Guards glanced nervously at each other trying to seek some unlikely reassurance they would all make it through the day unscathed.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Celestia made a vow as she scraped and washed cake and frosting from her hoof that one day she would focus all her energies and powers into finding the pony who had thought Mondays were a good idea and strangle them in their before they could create the bane of her existence. Once her hoof was clean she looked herself over in the mirror. She had to cast the ethereal charm on her mane so it was in a horrible state of bedhead as was her tail, she was sure there were still some cheetos stuck in them both from her activities with Luna over the weekend.

Her heart warmed and she smiled as she thought back to that time. It was a much simpler and peaceful way of life where all she had to worry about was how to take down Luna’s forces in a game of ‘Equestrian Conquerer’. So far she had taken Manehatten, but had lost Philladelphia in the process, but reclaiming back Canterlot had been worth the loss. She missed that part of her life, but Monday had once again ruined everything for her.

Her smile faded and her heart turned to hollow stone filled with Manticore venom as she was once again reminded of the harsh, merciless realities of her existence, the fact she had another Monday to live through. Grunting with annoyance, she didn’t bother casting the spell, showering or even brushing her mane so it looked acceptable, instead she prowled out of the bathroom and picked up a black hooded jacket from the ground. She was going to put herself into mourning for the loss of her weekend.

With dark circles around her eyes, her fur a matted mess, her feathers intensely disarrayed, her mane and tail looking like it had been inhabited by varying woodland creatures and no will or desire to continue forcing herself to live, Celestia plodded gracelessly out her room head held low as she glared her hatred for the world at the floor.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

There was one rule above all others that had been drummed and installed in the kitchen staff since day one. ‘Never ever, under any circumstances let the princess see you during a level ten code red.’ Chef Six had finished her rounds of warning the Solar Guards and she was on her way back to the kitchens when she rounded a corner and came face to face with princess Celestia herself. Chef Six wasn’t sure, but she could have worn she heard the princess mumbling vivid and horrible obscenities while she talked to herself about the world ending in a glorious fiery blaze.

“Meep!” Chef Six squeaked out involuntarily as she tried to backpedal away as fast as she could. Too late, Celestia had already glanced up and recognized her as part of the kitchen staff team. For a moment, despite the fact the princess looked like she had just crawled out of the gutters, hope flared in her dull, dead eyes giving them just the tiniest glimmer of life. The princess’s muzzle turned up into a genuine smile of happiness and for a moment the Celestia of old shone through this former shell of the princess. “Y-y-your highness,” Chef Six greeted, wondering if her voice had always been this high pitched and strained.

“Is my coffee ready, little one?” the princess inquired looking more and more like her old self as the seconds ticked by.

Chef Six swallowed the lump that was blocking her throat and tried her best not to imagine herself being blasted into something less then ash. “It’s a-a-almost done y-your highness,” she squeaked out as nervous perspiration formed and flowed under chef’s outfit. “S-s-shall I bring it to the throne room, o-once it’s ready?”

All at once the hope and life that had briefly shone through the princess’s eyes fluttered out like a candle in a hurricane and her right eye began twitching slightly. Chef Six winced and prepared herself for the end. The princess plodded past her, her wings dragging along the floor as she walked away muttering something about destroying the very existence of Mondays with extreme fire and fury.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

“Chef Ten!” Chef One barked out across the bustling kitchen. The Chef he had called out looked up from his work station nervously. “Get over here, now!” Chef Ten saluted and walked with leaden hoofs to his commander, not daring to meet his eyes. “What happened, Chef Ten? You’re supposed to be in charge of inventory, yet we have this disaster on our hooves!”

“U-ummm...” Chef Ten murmured keeping his eyes on the floor and away from the cold gaze of his commander. “T-there was a misunderstanding with the shipping orders. I-I only just found out about it this morning. PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME!”
Chef One placed a calming hoof on Chef Ten’s shoulder and smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry that won’t be happening.” Chef Ten smiled hesitantly and wiped the tears from his eyes.

“R-really?”

Chef One nodded reassuringly. “Yes Chef, really.” His smile dropped and his eyes hardened into a steely death glare. “CADET TWENTY!” he bellowed out to the kitchen not taking his eyes off Chef Ten. A young teenage filly covered in grime and grease looked up from her mop bucket, her eyes wide and her ears flattened down against her head.

“Y-y-yessir?” she stammered out.

“TAKE OFF YOUR JACET AND GIVE IT TO CHEF TEN! CHEF TEN TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING JACKET AND GIVE IT TO CADET TWENTY! IF YOU WANT TO FUCK UP IN MY KITCHEN, YOU FUCKING USELESS DONKEY! YOU CAN FUCK UP WHILE CLEANING THE FUCKING FLOORS AND TAKING OUT THE FUCKING GARBAGE!”

As Chef Ten and Cadet Twenty switched their jackets, the search team returned from their mission, each pony looking dejected and miserable. Chef One already knew the answer to the question he was about to ask, but he had to ask it anyway, her had to hear the terrible truth for himself.

“Anything, anywhere, Chef Three?”

Chef Three shook her head. “No sir. All the shops that sell the princess’s Monday special are closed for the holidays.”

Chef One gave his team a grim look of defeat. “Then may the Goddess herself save us all.”

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Celestia had never thought it was possible. But somehow the impossible had become possible. She had discovered something she hated more then Mondays. She hated listening to, and being in presence of the pompus prats that were noble ponies on Mondays. She hadn’t even had her Monday special coffee yet and she had to deal with the tedious annoyance of noble ponies on Mondays. As one particularly annoying Noble prattled on about something or other she glared at the offending pony with her dark circled eyes and the sound of her grinding teeth could be heard over his voice.

The Noble pony trailed off mid sentence as she felt more and more of her soul dying under the intense glare of pure hatred and malice the raggedy princess was staring at her with. Another noble began speaking and as Celestia turned her glare onto him, her left eye twitching intensely while her teeth grinding intensified, he shut his mouth closed with an audible ‘clomp’ and shrank himself as far as possible down into his seat.

“Doea. Anypony. Else. Have. Anything. To. Bring. Up?” Celestia asked through a forced, polite smile that did nothing to conceal her gritted teeth or lessen the intense twitch in her left eye. One particularly brave, or suicidal pony hesitantly raised her hoof like a meek school filly asking permission to talk. Celestia turned her manic attention onto the poor thing, her smile widening and widening until almost all her gritted, grinding teeth were exposed. “Yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss?”

“A-a-a-are you feeling alright, this morning princess?”

“Am I feeling alright?” Celestia repeated. The twitch in Celestia’s left eye intensified and her smile grew even larger as she stood up from her chair...

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

“PRINCESS LUNA!” Chef One bellowed at the top of his lungs as he pounded on the night princess’s bedroom door. “PRINCESS LUNA! YOU HAVE TO HURRY!” Chef One didn’t let up on his assault on the princess’s door, princess Luna was their only hope to contain an unmedicated princess Celestia. Finally the doors were opened by a very unamused looking princess Luna who was glaring with bleary, sleep deprived eyes down at the Chef. He stood his ground and tok several deep breaths to recover from his mad sprint and bellowing.

“What is the meaning of ‘tis annoyance?”

Chef One took in a huge lungful of air before answering. “Princess... Celestia... Meeting with... Nobles... No... Coffee...”
Luna’s eyes widened in abject terror and all traces of her seep deprivation were gone as she ran back into her room and emerged with a tin of triple strength coffee powder. Chef One had to practically run in order to keep up with Luna’s brisk, long legged walk through the castle halls.

“How long ago did my sister wake?” Luna inquired.

“A-about thirty minutes ago.”

Luna’s eyes narrowed and she hastened her walk. “Then there is still hope. But we haven’t much time left.” As they passed the kitchens Chef One levitated a massive pot of boiling water from the stove and carefully carried it in front of him making sure it didn’t spill. “That was a good idea,” Luna commented as she popped open the coffee tin’s lid and poured the entire contents of the tin into the pot of boiling. “Pray that we have supplied enough coffee powder.”

As they approached the throne room’s door they could hear the enraged screaming of princess Celestia almost drowning out the terrified screams of the noble ponies. “AM I ALRIGHT?!” the princess was screaming. “IT’S A MONDAY MORNING, I’VE GOT TO LISTEN TO YOU POMPUS, IDIOTIC SPOILED BRATS DRONE ON AND ON ABOUT INCONSEQUINTIAL THINGS AND YOU ASK IF I’M ALRIGHT!!”

Luna blasted the throne room doors off their hinges and Chef One’s eyes opened at the scene of destruction and mayhem before his eyes. The back wall to the throne room was completely missing and still smoking in some places, the royal council table was nothing but a pile of smoldering ashes and the princess herself was chasing the nobles around the room, her eyes flaming as she fired bolt after bolt of magic at the fleeing nobles.

“I’LL SHOW YOU LITLE BASTARDS HOW ALRIGHT I AM!” Celestia screeched.

Luna let out a shrill whistle and pulled the massive pot of boiling hot coffee from Chef One’s magical grasp. “Sister! We have thine caff-”

“GIMME!” Celestia yelled as she charged across the room, collecting the pot of coffee with her magic and dunking her entire head into the liquid. For several long moments all that could be heard in the sudden quiet stillness of the throne room was Celestia’s loud, needy and desperate gulps as she chugged down the coffee seemingly unaffected by its intense heat. Once the pot was almost empty, Celestia raised it into the air and drank from it like it was an abnormally large cup. Only until she had literally licked every last drop of coffee from the pot’s interior did she place it down, take a deep calming breath and smile that loving, ever patient and understanding smile of hers.

“I do humbly apologize for my sudden and horrible aggression towards you, my little ponies,” she said sweetly as she took a seat on the ruined remains of her throne. “Let us continue our discussions.”

Luna breathed a huge sigh of relief as she walked out of the throne with Chef One at her side. “Tis was extremely close, Chef. Thou must be more careful and vigilant with the royal coffee supplies. The last time a princess missed out on her Monday morning coffee was one thousand years ago...”

Author's Note

There's nothing to say but "I'm Sorry and please don't unfollow me for making this." >.<