Kim Jong-Un 'Conquers' Equestria
Glorious Juche, Meet Princess of the Sun
The black screen sprang to life and patriotic music began blaring. Slowly, a dignified, somewhat elderly Korean woman wearing shimmery, pink hanbok walked slowly into view in front of a backdrop of Pyongyang and the Taedong River. Unfazed by the fanfare around her, she sat down calmly before staring into the camera with a practiced elegance and opening her mouth. Authoritative yet musical syllables flowed from her like petals floating on a stream, as below subtitles translated the Korean into Equestrian:
Today on May 31, 2017, in the wake of the DPRK’s successful missile test which has confirmed our ability to strike the homeland of the Imperialist dogs in America, even greater glory has been brought to Juche Korea. Supreme Leader and grandson of Eternal Leader Kim Il-Sung, Kim Jong-un, has successfully conquered the foreign land of Equestria.
Previously, the world’s nations scoffed at us when it was reported that the beloved Supreme Leader and the unparalleled Scientists in our eternal republic had made contact with unicorns. He was then proven correct during the opening of the inter-dimensional portals almost one year ago. Now, the Supreme Leader and the might of Juche Korea have once again brought shame upon the west as the horse nation has been subdued by the Korean People’s Army.
Explosive gains in scientific knowledge from the DPRK’s recent successful sun landing have allowed our scientists to construct our own portals which allowed for the transfer of military equipment into Equestria away from the control of the imperialist pig dogs.
The screen cut to a poorly Photoshopped picture of King Jong-Un standing with several North Korean generals and pointing approvingly at one of the stained glass windows in Canterlot Castle’s throne room.
Already, work has commenced in teaching the local population the ways of Juche and increasing industrial production.
A new picture was placed on the screen, this one of Sweet Apple Acres.
Even our beloved Supreme Leader has taken it upon himself to instruct the pony populace in the art of growing fine produce. Compare our agricultural fields, here…
The next picture was of a poorly-irrigated and diseased rice field.
To those of the ponies, here. Naturally, only Juche and the love of Dear Leader could rectify their unending famine.
The field of view was zoomed out to reveal the DPRK news anchor again. A new box appeared in the corner of the screen, on which a video of a Korean missile launcher firing rockets was played. The clip was quickly cut to a still frame of Manehattan, overlaid with various flame and smoke effects from cheap video-editing software.
The Korean People’s Army took no casualties and captured the country in less than a single day. Dear Leader himself received the Princess ponies’ surrender, where all of them proposed to him for marriage. They were denied for not being true Juche women and sent to camp. Meanwhile, millions of ponies have joined the Korean People’s Army. Soon all of Korea will be reunified under the glorious banner of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea!
A seriously irritated Twilight Sparkle shut off the TV, which gave off a click as it went to black. “See? This is why the stock market dropped 7% this morning! Ponies actually believe that this happened! Something needs to be done to reassure everyone that we’re still in control of the country!”
Princess Celestia smiled sweetly at her former student, her billowing mane and impeccable stature not displaying the faintest hint of unease. “Dearest Twilight, there is no need to worry.”
Twilight’s ears perked up. “Do you have a plan?”
“Of course I do!” Princess Celestia responded. “I asked the international community for help on Twitter!”
Twilight’s forehooves shot to her head. “No! Princess, why would you do that!? Humans are literally the worst!”
Princess Celestia frowned slightly at her outburst. “Now now, Twilight, that’s not a very nice way to talk about our new, strangely cuddly and very numerous neighbors. Let’s just see who’s replied to my tweet. Let’s see…Oh! President Trump replied!”
Twilight rolled her head back and groaned. “Great, him again.”
Princess Celestia’s eyes quickly ran over her phone before her face lit up with excitement. “Twilight! President Trump has agreed to help us… I think.”
Twilight snatched the phone away with her magic. “Lemme see! ‘The only thing SADDER than North Korea is dopey Princess Twilight Sparkle. Princess Celestia no better- can’t even covfefe’.” Her eyes scrunched up as she reread the last part of the tweet. “’Can’t even covfefe’… What?”
Princess Celestia looked hopefully back at Twilight. “So? Should we call the White House?”
Twilight shook her head and handed the phone back. “I don’t think so. Something tells me he meant…something…not good for us. Who else responded?”
“Oh! The President of France, Emmanuel Macron responded!” Princess Celestia beamed. “I love France, such a pretty country. I want to go to Paris one day- it’s the city of agreements and treaties! Let’s see… ‘I am happy to help Princess Celestia with her North Korea problem! I like the older ladies, anyway.’” Princess Celestia’s muzzle scrunched up in confusion and mild disgust.
“Ergghhh,” Twilight gagged.
“Maybe we should send a request for aid to ISIS?” Princess Celestia mused. “They may not be popular on earth, but they also said that we’re allowed and not forbidden!”
“To EAT!” Twilight cried. “Not to be friends with! We can’t ask ISIS for help!”
“…Dennis Rodman?”
“He won’t talk to us. Not ever since Princess Luna blew up the Detroit Pistons stadium after losing a basketball bet.”
Princess Celestia sat down and scrunched up her eyes in stress. “Human politics is so hard! How on earth are we going to deal with North Korea?”
Twilight just sighed in response. “To be honest, Princess, I just don’t know…”
After a few moments more of consideration, Princess Celestia looked over at Twilight with a guilty smile. “Maybe we just let the Chinese deal with it?”
Twilight looked back with a mischievous glint in her eyes. “I have a better idea. I’ll send Starlight Glimmer to Beijing in the morning.”
Princess Celestia smiled back at her. “That’s why you’re a Princess now.”
A pair of dings resounded through the room and both ponies checked their phones.
US trade deficit with Germany is very bad. Trade deficit with Equestria is even worse. Princesses? Losers! I hope Kim Jong-Un marries them!
Author's Note
I only wrote this because I'm terrified about submitting my medical school applications and needed something to keep me sane.
