Uh Oh: Don't Tell Dad We Killed the Babysitter, Part 3
Twilight woke up with a massive hangover, cursing her mentor’s sun.
“SPIKE!” She spoke gently. “GET THE FUCK UP HERE, PLEASE!”
“Oh, here we go,” Spike grumbled, realising he'd made the coffee too late.
“I WANT MY HARMONY FORSAKEN COFFEE YOU SUBSPECIES, DISAPPOINTMENT TO LIFE, LIZARD MOTHER FUCKER!”
“CALM YOUR GIRL TESTICLES, PRINCESS OF COCK BLOCKING!”
“RARITY WILL NEVER LOVE YOU!”
“SUCK ME, YOU ONE-HORNED GOAT FUCK!” Spike eyes glittered with joy. He opened the fridge to grab her big mare milk, only to realise they were out.
“WE’RE OUTTA MILK!” Spike spoke gently back.
“FUCK!” Twilight mumbled to herself, quietly contemplating this predicament.
Spike ducked under the lamp she’d thrown at him from upstairs.
“DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU AN ACTUAL CUP OF COFFEE OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO BITCH AND MOAN ALL DAY?!”
“BUY ME MILK, YOU SCALY SON OF A WHORE!”
“YOU’RE THE ONE WHO HATCHED ME, DUMBASS!”
“FUCK YOU! GO BUY MILK!”
Spike walked calmly over to the piggy bank and threw it at the stairs, more specifically at Twilight’s head.
“OW, SHIT!”
“STOP SLEEPING ON THE DAMN STAIRS IF YOU DON’T WANT THINGS THROWN AT YOU!”
“BUT THEN I CAN’T THROW SHIT AT YOU IN THE MORNING!”
“I KNOW! GO TO THE TOILET LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!”
“DAMMIT I CREATED YOU, I CAN FORCE YOU BACK INTO AN EGG!”
“NOT WITHOUT YOUR COFFEE, IDIOT!”
Twilight moaned in joy and she rolled down the stairs. After chipping a tooth on the way down, she continued groaning as she pushed herself with her hind legs out the door, face first into the ground and the sunlight.
“CELESTIA!” Twilight cooed.
”WHAT?!” Celestia whispered from basement stairs.
“TURN OFF THE SUN, IT’S LIKE BENGAY BEING SLATHERED ON MY EYE NIPPLES!”
”OH, OKAY!”
The world was plunged into darkness. Everypony screamed.
In joy and happiness.
“THANKS! HEY, SPIKE! LOOK AT THAT! SOMEONE WHO ISN’T A CUNT AND DOES WHAT THEY’RE TOLD!”
The world was bathed in intense light, roasting everypony with its heat.
”FUCK YOU!”
Twilight walked over to the basement and locked the door.
“You forgot your money,” said Spike, a big, happy grin on his face.
“Spike, the only thing in that piggy bank was the fruitless dreams of a slave!”
“DON’T CALL MY RARITY PICTURES FRUIT!”
“I’LL MAKE YOUR FACE LOOK LIKE A STRAWBERRY YOU FRUITY FUCK!”
“NOT WITHOUT COFFEE!”
“FUCK!”
Twilight unlocked the basement door and threw Spike at Celestia.
”FUCK OFF, SPIKE!” Various not-violent-at-all noises could be heard.
Twilight locked the door.
Singing a pleasant song to herself, Twilight skipped down the road towards the bank. Spotting her very happy friend, Pinkie Pie bounced over to Twilight to ask her about her day.
“Hey, Twilight senpai~!” Pinkie giggled.
“Ohhhhhhh hell noooooooooo-” Twilight tried teleporting herself away, only to warp herself 20 ft in the air and land face first into Pinkie’s mane.
“Oh~! Senpai wants to hug me~~~?!”
“Why is there a gun in your mane- ULK!” Twilight merrily chuckled as Pinkie gently hugged her. “YOU BROKE MY FUCKING RIBS, YOU PINK FREAK!”
”I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT!” Diamond Tiara waved happily at Twilight and Pinkie Pie.
“I’ll break something else if you tell anyone about my surprise for Spike~!” Oh lord she licked Twilight’s ear- I mean, Pinkie winked at her friend.
Twilight totally wasn’t sobbing in both anger and fear.
“Come on, senpai~! Walk me to my part time job at the bank~!”
“Y-You work at the bank now?” Twilight asked sweetly.
“Yeperony~! I’m a teller at lunchtime now~!”
“Alright, Barbie, let’s mosey through the sunshine to your brand new job yet again,” Twilight chuckled.
Ponies waved happily at Twilight and Pinkie as they passed by.
“PLEASE HELP,” Bonbon cried out, “THE SUN IS SO HOT, IT BURNS!”
“Mommy?” A small child asked. “Why is that pink thing holding a knife against that purple guy’s throat?”
His mother laughed, “Oh sweetheart, that’s the Prince of Friendship.”
“MY FEMININE WILES ARE OFF THE DIGGIDY DARN CHARTS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!”
“Is that homeless mare shouting at pedestrians again?” A passerby smiled.
“No, Nopony said he was staying somewhere else today,” Scootaloo replied.
“WRONG STORY, DIPSHIT!” Twilight politely corrected as she passed.
”HE PEED ON YOUR THINGS BEFORE, HE CAN DO IT AGAIN!”
“THE ONLY LIFELESS FREAK PEEING ON SHIT AROUND HERE IS SPIKE- oh hey, the bank!” Twilight perked up. Her mood, however, did not.
“Look, murasakino-san~!” Pinkie cheered. “It’s the bank~!”
“I JUST WET MYSELF.”
“Wow, Twilight, try not to be so weird in public.”
“YOU HAVE A KNIFE AGAINST MY THROAT!”
“Hi, Pinkie!” Sweetie Belle waved at her. “Do you have the stuff?”
“I sure do, Sweetie-swoot~!” Pinkie waved back.
Pinkie took her knife and smacked the backside of Twilight’s head repeatedly until a fair amount of weird unicorn dust was laying on the ground.
Sweetie Belle snorted it straight off the ground, screamed in joy and passed out.
“What just happened?!” Twilight stared at her lovingly. “Am I a walking drug?!”
“Not even once~!”
“If I pay you with myself, will you leave me the hell alone?” Twilight beamed at Pinkie.
Pinkie nodded with the utmost joy.
“Fine.” Twilight’s eyes didn’t roll at all.
A few hours of headbanging to death metal later, Twilight was ready to take out some money from the bank. Stepping over the victims of the heat, Twilight approached the ATM.
“Alright, what the fuck was my pin?” Twilight caressed the keyboard with her face.
*PIN ACCEPTED*
“I didn’t put in a fucking card but sure, okay.” Twilight caressed the keyboard further, until the ATM spewed its load over her face.
It was the only rain in Equestria.
“Lord I’m thirsty, RAINBOW MAKE IT RAIN!!” Twilight sang as she exited the bank.
Rainbow’s wing twitched as continued to bake in the heat, the state of her health unknown.
Twilight didn’t roll her eyes and had a gay old time waltzing down the street towards the grocery store.
“I cannot wait for that sweet, sexy, saucy air conditioning.” Twilight smiled. No really, she actually smiled.
The grocery store felt like a furnace.
“Shit, they must’ve had the heating on since it’s the middle of winter.”
Walking through puddles of melted cheese and popsicles, Twilight made her way towards the milk.
It was all spoiled.
The situation was rather heated.
Author's Note
what have we done