Kathy Griffin Takes On Twilight Sparkle
Applejack stood at the kitchen stove, busy making breakfast for the rest of the family. Today featured apple and pecan pancakes, scrambled eggs and mixed fruit. Pop! The toaster had toasted the bread to a perfect light brown. She picked up the toast and slathered on the butter, which quickly melted into the hot bread. She piled the steamy pancakes onto a large platter and set it in the middle of the table. Going to the icebox, she grabbed the maple syrup and a jar of the Equestrian-renowned zap apple jam, proudly made at Sweet Apple Acres. “Breakfast is ready!” she called.
Her older brother, Big MacIntosh, entered the kitchen in his usual silent manner and took a seat at the table. Moments later, her beloved grandmare, Granny Smith, came in and sat down at the head of the table. “Mornin’ everypony,” said the elderly mare.
“Mornin’ Granny Smith,” responded a smiling Applejack.
“Mornin’,” said Big Mac, always one for conversation.
Applejack grabbed the pan from the stove and walked over to the table, carefully divvying up the scrambled eggs amongst the family. Taking a seat at the table, she asked, “Where is Apple Bloom?”
“I don’t know,” said Granny Smith.
Turning to Big Mac, Applejack asked, “Do you know?”
“Nnope.”
Getting up from the table, she poked her head out the kitchen door, “Apple Bloom, yer breakfast is gettin’ cold!” Returning to her seat, she said, “Let’s eat while it’s still warm. Apple Bloom will be along shortly.” Quickly all began to enjoy the spread before them, whether the warm pancakes dripping with sweet maple syrup or the toast with delicious homemade zap apple jam. After a minute, the youngest member of the Apple family entered the kitchen. “Where have you been?” asked Applejack.
“Ah was getting the mail,” replied Apple Bloom, handing her older sister a hooffull.
Applejack began going through the mail. “We got a letter from the Department of Agriculture.”
“What do they want?” asked Granny Smith.
“It’s letting us know our subsidies will be going up.” Applejack took a look at the next letter. “We also got an apple order from Canterlot.” She came across a letter in a pink envelope. “Big Mac got a letter from Sugar Belle,” she said as she passed the letter to her brother. He returned her sly smile with a blush.
“What does she want?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Now that’s none of your business,” scolded Applejack. “What goes on between yer brother and his special somepony is nopony’s business.”
“Maybe they’ll be another Apple in the family?” asked Granny Smith.
Applejack rolled her eyes. She continued on... an invitation to compete in the Vanhoover Rodeo... a letter from Braeburn inviting them over for a barbeque in Appleloosa... the Canterlot Chronicle. Applejack opened the paper and looked at the front page, her mouth dropping at the sight. She sat there, staring at the paper for a long time.
“What’s a matter Applejack?” asked Granny Smith. Applejack passed the paper over to her grandmare. “Dear Celestia,” said the elderly mare.
“What is it?” asked Apple Bloom.
Granny Smith passed the paper to Big Mac. “Holy shit!”
“Big Mac!” scolded Applejack.
“What is it?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Nothin’ for a filly of your age to see,” said Granny Smith.
***
Rarity woke up after a great night’s sleep. Removing her sleeping mask, she saw golden sunshine pouring through the window. Normally Rarity would lie in bed for a few minutes, relishing her warm, soft bed and enjoying the natural euphoria after a good night’s rest. However, she had plans for today... lunch with Sweetie Belle... spa time with Applejack... working on the dresses for the Grand Galloping Gala. She cringed. Please, let the Smooze miss this year’s Gala!
Rarity got out of bed and trotted downstairs to make breakfast. After a few minutes, breakfast sat ready at the table. Her favorite meal, on a beautiful morning – the perfect way to start the day. Before she sat down to eat, Rarity went to the front door to get her copy of the Canterlot Chronicle. She began to eat and spread the paper out before her – Pfft! Rarity spit out her food all over the table. Looking down, on the front page, she saw a very disturbing photograph. “How dare she! Has society no standards anymore!”
***
Fluttershy tended to her animals... at least some of her animals. Since opening Sweet Feather Sanctuary, she had even more animals to take care of. Shortly she would fly to the refuge, and ensure every animal was comfortable and recovering. But before she left her cottage, she went to the front door and picked up the morning’s paper. Taking a look at the front page, she let out a terrified scream, before stumbling backwards and fainting.
***
Pinkie Pie rushed about the kitchen. There was lots of baking to do, and very shortly Sugarcube Corner would open for the day. The shop needed everything – pies – cookies – muffins – pastries of all sorts. But with Pinkie Pie’s speed, everything was coming together in the blink of an eye.
But where was Mrs. Cake? Normally she was busy baking and getting ready for the shop to open. Pinkie Pie poked her head out of the kitchen. She saw Mrs. Cake looking at the morning paper, with... tears streaming down her face? That couldn’t be right. Pinkie Pie walked over to Mrs. Cake. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh, I was just looking at this morning’s paper,” she said, wiping away her tears.
“Let me take a look.”
“No!”
Seeing the front page, Pinkie Pie let out a gasp. Pop! Her mane and tail deflated while her coat took on a dull color. “I feel so sad for Twilight,” she said, as tears began to stream down her face.
***
Rainbow Dash entered the locker room. She had just spent the last two hours working out – first stretches, then flying laps around the Wonderbolts’ training facility, finally finishing with finalizing some new tricks for the upcoming performances. She was ready for a hot shower, and a good breakfast. Opening her locker, she pulled out a towel and wiped the sweat from her face and mane.
“How’s it going Dash?” asked Surprise.
“Great! I can’t wait for practice. Today’s going to be awesome!”
“You mean you haven’t seen the paper?” questioned Soarin.
“No. Why?” asked a confused Rainbow Dash.
“Uh –” said Surprise.
“What’s going on?” pressed Rainbow Dash.
“Um –” hesitated Soarin.
“Let me see!” demanded Rainbow Dash. Soarin passed her the Canterlot Chronicle. Taking a look at the front page, Rainbow Dash felt uncontrolled rage. Bang! Removing her hoof, a large dent was left on her locker door.
***
Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer sat enjoying breakfast. “So, what do you have planned?” asked the princess.
“I’m going to teach Trixie some new magic,” responded Starlight.
“Just don’t make the Cutie Map disappear again.”
“I said I was sorry.”
“I know, but you –” Whaaaa!!! Twilight and Starlight shared concerned glances before darting from their seats and ran out of the dining room. “Something must have happened to Spike!” Pausing at the top of the stairs, they saw Spike standing in shock at the front door. They raced down the staircase and across the vast entrance hall. Reaching the dragon, Twilight asked, “What happened?” Without saying a word, he passed her the latest copy of the Canterlot Chronicle. Looking at the front page, anger filled her face.
“What’s a matter Twilight?” asked Starlight. Twilight passed her the paper. On the front page, Starlight saw a picture of Kathy Griffin holding a model of a bloody, decapitated effigy of Princess Twilight Sparkle. “How could she? Twilight? Are you alright?”
Twilight stood there, rage causing her horn to light up to a blinding intensity.
***
The next day an open letter appeared in the Canterlot Chronicle:
Dear Kathy Griffin,
I, like many citizens of Equestria, saw your photo holding up a representation of my severed head. My initial reaction was one of anger and revulsion. How would you react if somepony did this to you? I’m sure you would be equally shocked and upset and that your family and friends would be horrified.
I believe that you did this for attention. In that you have succeeded beyond your wildest dreams. However, rather than fame and adoration, you have attained a notoriety few individuals in today’s society have achieved.
Upon reflection, my feelings have shifted to sadness. Rather than getting to know me, the real me, you relied upon your preconceived notions and what you see in the media. Before you attempt to satirize another public figure, I think you should talk to them and get to know them. This will inform your opinions on that individual.
As one in the public discourse, I must be prepared for such depictions, no matter how revolting and hurtful. I am willing to forgive you for your mistake and move on from this event. Should you want to get to know the pony behind the princess, you are more than welcome to visit me at the Castle of Friendship.
-Your Friend, Princess Twilight Sparkle
Author's Note
I'm sure everyone has seen the photograph from earlier in the week. I found the it disgusting and revolting. A photo done like that against any President - Republican or Democrat, man or woman, black or white - crosses a line.
Dreadnought
