The yellow beacon of the sun was slowly turning to orange as it neared the horizon, and the rays cast shadows across the dining hall that gently grew longer yet less intense as the light dimmed. Dusk and dawn were both interesting times, where the sun moved no more swiftly than normal, yet one could more easily see its progress in the shifting light and shadows. It made dinner a fascinating experience, as the vibrant colors of the food, and the exquisitely detailed tableware and decorations all changed in appearance in subtle ways with the shifting light of the sun.
It was, perhaps, an odd thing for two ponies to notice, when both of them counted their age in four digits, and had royal, daily duties involving sunrise and its evening counterpart. But recently, both ponies had had a bit of a humbling experience, and both had been reminded to appreciate special details like that.
Of course, since they had also been reminded to appreciate each other, there was only so much time they could spend appreciating aesthetics. Once their respective dinner and breakfast had been finished, the royal sisters Celestia and Luna moved to a small parlor. Here they each sat in a comfy recliner with a small tea table between them, serving its purpose by holding a teacup and kettle, as well as a single coffee mug. Here they could converse, while relaxing and enjoying the evening light through a nearby window.
The coffee mug was wrapped in blue magic and drawn towards its owner as she smiled. "Ah, it is quite wonderful to return to my former sleep schedule," Luna said, "I can only assume your magic carried me through the day, as I was already fatigued by the time of our 'switch.' Still, I doubt the day would have been any easier if I were well-rested..."
Celestia nodded, taking a sip from her teacup. "I think you did remarkably well for your first day in the limelight in over a millennium... or 'sunlight,' as it were." She smiled wryly as Luna chuckled. "Still, you did leave me a couple issues, though I think I was able to clean those up."
Luna sighed, her eyes downcast. "I do apologize, sister. Small mistakes have large consequences in your day-to-day life, it seems.” She glanced over at her sister. “I hope the damage was reversible?”
“The schoolfillies got their field trip, along with your apologies, although I chose to leave out most of your explanation.” When Luna raised an eyebrow, her sister continued: “While your explanation for your scowling in the photograph would be believed, it would put a lot of pressure on the paper that printed the article, and a certain photographer might find himself out of a job due to taking such a misleading photo, itself becoming a problem. Besides, the revelation that you were holding such a smile together the whole day would cast doubt on your activities before then.” Celestia sighed. “Sometimes, it’s best to intervene as little as possible. Actions have consequences, and the more actions you take, the more consequences arise.”
Luna stared at Celestia for a long moment. “Politics is even more of a… treacherous environment than I had imagined. It seems I was quite fortunate…”
“Indeed.” Celestia took a long sip of tea before she continued. “Of course, the Timber Wolf issue was a different matter, one that required direct action. Thankfully that one was solved more simply, just a matter of dispatching some guards and experts in magical beasts, while promising the frightened townsfolk that I would bring excessive amounts of holy fire to bear to protect them... or something like that." She chuckled. "Even though I doubt things will get to that point."
Luna let out a soft giggle as well. "That's a relief." Her eyes twinkled with a bit of mischief. "Thankfully, your own errors while playing my part will be easy to fix as well."
"Errors, dear sister?" Celestia raised an eyebrow.
"You only intervened in Starlight's nightmare and my own, if memory serves. There's no telling how many other foul dreams were left unvanquished." Luna sighed. "Fortunately, nopony will blame you for it. I do not advertise my abilities, and ponies still seem surprised when I intervene in their dreams, despite the obvious association I have with them.” Luna saw that Celestia had a faintly worried expression, and added with a faint smile, “Don’t concern yourself with it, sister. Some nights are so busy that I cannot possibly dispel every nightmare, and others are remarkably quiet, as last night seems to have been.”
“Quiet for everypony else, that is.” Celestia chuckled, but it wasn’t quite filled with the usual mirth she had when she laughed. “Last night was quite emotional… and I can only imagine how Starlight felt, in the center of a battle between our own darker selves, believing herself to blame.”
“On that note, sister, I am curious about one thing,” Luna said, her gentle smile dropping into an equally gentle frown. “That... version of you from Starlight's nightmare...”
Celestia managed to suppress a shudder. But while her poise was unharmed, her voice took on a dark, yet subdued tone to it. “What about her?”
“I must admit that I am... curious. Namely, I am curious about what would cause you to become such a being.” Luna took a sip of coffee, and her lips formed a frown as the mug left them. “Before this whole ordeal I would have assumed the catalyst for ‘Daybreaker’ or something like her, would be similar to my own... excuses-” Luna practically spat the word, her eyes not quite focused on her sister as she did so, “-for becoming Nightmare Moon. But now I think the answer is quite different.”
Celestia nodded. “Well, after your experience in my horseshoes, what do you think the answer is?”
Celestia took a long sip of tea as she awaited her sister's answer, but Luna's response was swift, and not what Celestia had expected: “I have a strong suspicion, but I want to hear it from you, sister.” As Celestia set her cup down, Luna continued, “Besides, as I have recently learned, my ability to understand your troubles is... not particularly keen.”
Celestia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “While you were going about a typical day in my life... what did you think of the ponies you had to interact with, and what was expected of you?”
Luna let out a snort of disapproval. “I am having difficulty summarizing all of my feelings towards them in a polite yet accurate way. I did not dislike them, per se, and yet... I resented every iota of my interactions with them. It was always about them, and I could only put on a façade , suppress my true feelings and act as they wished me to act, entirely for their benefit. Even when I legitimately was interested in their troubles, it felt very… one-sided.”
Celestia nodded. “Part and parcel of being a ruler, I'm afraid. I tell myself that I am a servant of Equestria, not the other way around, and that this is best for everypony. But... that's small comfort when I have to smile and laugh at a stupid joke.”
Luna grimaced slightly. “And Daybreaker is therefore the hypothetical 'you' that... simply could not handle it anymore?”
“Yes,” Celestia said simply, before taking another long sip of her tea.
Both sisters were silent for a few moments, before Luna spoke up: “Celestia... if I may venture an assumption, Daybreaker did not seem... entirely a surprise to you.”
“She surprised me enough. Seeing a side of yourself that embodies everything you wish you weren't, yet is still recognizably you... is not an easy experience.” Celestia closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.
“I see...” Luna said, uncertain, jaw tensed as though about to speak, yet saying nothing.
Celestia opened her eyes and looked at her hesitant sister. “I know what you're asking, Luna. You're asking if I'd ever... thought about her before.” Luna nodded slowly, and Celestia continued. “Well, after you... after Nightmare Moon came to be, I couldn't help but wonder... wonder what would have happened if I...” Celestia's face twisted into an expression of pained sorrow, looking apologetically at her sister.
Luna read her sister's expression, and said softly, “Speak plainly, sister. You clearly are in need of direct expression, and it seems you have precious few ponies to share your true thoughts with. As for Nightmare Moon... I have accepted my guilt, and yet I have also accepted that... that is no longer who I am. Nothing you say will shame or torment me.” Luna's voice dropped sharply as she glanced aside. “...More than I have shamed and tormented myself, anyway...”
Celestia looked at her sister's expression for a moment – it was sorrowful, but not overwhelmingly so, and that was a good sign to Celestia. She nodded and continued, “...Well, after you became Nightmare Moon and I banished you to the moon, I couldn't help but wonder what might have happened if I had 'fallen' instead... or whether I might yet fall as well. While I was not sure whether I might become 'Daybreaker' or whatever form I imagined myself as, it soon became obvious why it might happen.”
Luna took a long sip of coffee, but her eyes were on Celestia the entire time. The solar sister, for her part, took a much shorter sip of tea. She gently moved the cup around in a circle, stirring the remaining tea as she continued. “After you were banished, my workload grew even more intense. I didn't even have time to grieve before the responsibilities of sole rulership pressed in on me. I was unprepared to rule Equestria alone, and I was left without you to confide in. I... hated it.”
Celestia's expression turned bitter - intensely so. While Luna had recently become reacquainted with Celestia's more honest expressions, she had not actually seen Celestia so displeased in a long time. Celestia’s teacup slowed to a stop as she stared into it, while she continued speaking in an icy voice. “All those nobles and bureaucrats, offering brief condolences before seeking aid for their petty troubles in the same breath. All those laws and edicts and orders that required a signature unshaken by emotion. So many ponies who expected, who needed me to be what I had always been – a strong, calm leader, without personal flaws or feelings. And it didn't end. Each satisfied demand led to another. I had the burden of all ponykind on my back, and little to look forward to. What I wanted... was to be myself. And everypony else was holding me back.”
It was a marvel to Luna how Celestia could keep her cup steady, even as her voice grew hard and her eyes held a dark flame, that it seemed her teacup would shatter and the tea boil into nothing. “So I wondered, 'what if I just... threw it all away? The fake smiles, the responsibilities, the burdens, all of it?' I wondered what it would be like to be free, just doing what I wanted without anypony or anything tying me down. Buried as I was in royal duties, it seemed... appealing. So I took my fantasies a step farther, and imagined myself just not caring about any of it... with nopony and nothing to worry about except myself."
She glanced back up at Luna, but only for a moment, as though she couldn’t bear to let her sister see the look in her eyes. “And then... my dreams took it the last few steps. In those dreams, I did what I wanted, completely without care for anything else... but I was so self-absorbed that I sought only my own pleasure at the cost of everypony else's. I broke traditions, I broke responsibilities, and I broke anything I wanted. Including ponies, because by then I no longer cared, even about things like right and wrong.”
She looked at Luna again, the fire in her eyes dimming and her voice growing softer, yet forlorn. “The first time I had that dream, I thought it was the most wonderful dream I'd ever had... and then I woke up, and recognized it as the nightmare it was. It scared me as almost nothing else has - seeing myself as one of the very monsters I had sworn to protect Equestria against.”
Celestia sighed. “Luna... you might be wondering how exactly I kept myself from becoming Daybreaker. It was not easy at all... but in a way, I think you helped.”
Luna frowned, this time in confusion as she tilted her head. “I’m not sure how I was able to help you while banished.”
“Actually, it was because of your banishment. When you became Nightmare Moon... I saw what happened if an alicorn – if either of us – succumbed to our emotions like that, if we let our pain overwhelm us. I knew that if I 'fell' then I would bring ruin to Equestria... perhaps even destroy it altogether. I knew that achieving that desire to be free would mean sacrificing everything else I valued, everything else I was. And unhappy though I was with my duties, my little ponies meant the world to me. They still do.”
Luna sighed. “I only wish I had learned that lesson as well...” Despite Luna's words earlier, there was still regret when she spoke of her past – though not nearly as much as there once had been in her voice and her heart when the topic of Nightmare Moon came up.
Celestia's gaze turned stern. “Sister, if you had not become Nightmare Moon, then I would have become Daybreaker instead. You made your mistake, but I was kept from my own by the experience of watching you make it, and taking it to heart. I know you weren't aware of the true scope of the change into Nightmare Moon until it happened, and I know that if I had fallen instead, you would have had the strength to continue, to be the sovereign Equestria needed.” Celestia smiled – it was a tiny smile, but the change from her previous dark expressions was noticeable. “And I know you are now as well.”
Luna smiled as well, just a little more broadly. “All the same, dear sister, if that had come to pass I would have spent a thousand years wishing it had happened to me instead. I can bear the collective nightmares of ponykind, but dealing with the waking hours of our subjects, day after day, would be unbearable for me. I do think you manage Equestria far better than I could.”
Celestia chuckled faintly. “It takes a different sort of strength, I would say. I've had my own demons to contend with, but I have no choice but to wrestle them into submission, for the good of Equestria, without thanks. Yet you take to the dreamscape every night, volunteering yourself to battle fear itself... also without thanks. Nopony asks you, but you do it anyway.”
Luna smiled more widely, closing her eyes in satisfaction. “I do what I can to help our little ponies, sister. It is what I do best, and I wouldn't think of doing anything but my absolute best for Equestria.”
Celestia's smile grew further as well, the warmth returning to her face and voice. “I do appreciate it, Luna. As I said when you returned to your true self, we were meant to rule together, each of us playing our part, complementing each other's talents and working together in harmony.” Celestia suddenly broke into a laugh. “I do apologize, sister, I've rambled on for quite a bit about this whole 'Daybreaker' business, and I'm starting to get philosophical. I hope I've answered your question, and I hope I haven't made your evening gloomy.”
“Do not let it trouble you, sister. My curiosity has been satisfied, and I think I understand your pain a little better now. I'm glad for this discussion... But you do ramble from time to time.” Luna giggled for a moment. “Also, it is wonderful to see a genuine smile from you.”
Celestia gave a wry smile. “It's good to see a smile from you at all. You really do have quite a burden on you. I'm glad to know you can still find happiness.”
“And I am glad your face isn't frozen in a perpetual fake smile by now. You are very good at that, but it pleases me that you can still show actual emotion.”
“Indeed... as much as it feels like I'm wearing a thick porcelain mask, it's good to know I still have a face underneath.”
Luna glanced out the nearby window. “Well, it is nearly time for me to raise the moon and begin my royal duties. As I said, I'm glad to have this conversation with you, sister. Do get some rest, and enjoy your freedom from dealing with the darkest fears of Equestria.”
“Very well - and you enjoy not having to deal with all the expectations of Equestria, including smiling.” Celestia took a final, deep sip to drain her teacup as Luna began walking towards an exit from the lounge. “But before you go, I have a question for you as well – how did you know Daybreaker's name, when you entered into Starlight's dream and saw her?”
Luna turned and looked at Celestia, frowning slightly. “To be honest... those nightmares you speak of, involving your potential 'fallen' side... they still haunt you, from time to time.”
Celestia's eyebrow raised. “Indeed, but I didn't think you... I never saw you in any of those dreams of her.”
“That's because...” Luna frowned, apologetically. “...You didn't seem to need me. Indeed, I was envious of how easily you appeared to deal with your 'dark side.' And... until yesterday, I couldn't quite fathom what could drive you to such a state. How could you be lonely, as I was, when surrounded by adoring ponies? And the thought of you having the opposite problem as I - too much attention - was at the time unthinkable.” Luna sighed. “I kept what I saw to myself, what little of it I could stand to watch, and I assumed that if it had bothered you, you would have mentioned it to me.”
Celestia closed her eyes. “Perhaps I wasn’t ready at the time. But I appreciate you asking me now.”
“It did seem a fair time to inquire. Particularly since… Daybreaker was not like Nightmare Moon. She was more…” Luna’s face scrunched up as she tried to think of a proper way to phrase her words…
...Only for Celestia to smirk and offer her own opinion: “Gleefully psychotic? Not that it’s a contest, but I have to say her evil laughter surpassed Nightmare Moon’s.”
Luna chuckled. “That is one way to describe it. It makes sense, I suppose… My desire was to make ponies adore me, yours was to be yourself at all costs.”
“Was,” Celestia said, smiling. “That’s behind both of us.”
Luna smiled. “You are right… Nightmare Moon and Daybreaker both are merely nightmares. But the next time you deal with her - with either of them - in your dreams, I will join you, and we will deal with them together. Hopefully, forever.”
“And you need but bring me into your own dreams if you have similar troubles with Nightmare Moon. But I don’t think that will be necessary for either of us… I told Daybreaker she would never be a part of me again, and I meant it. And I know Nightmare Moon is long behind you as well.” Celestia nodded and smiled. “Good night, sister. I love you, always.”
“Always, sister.” Luna offered a parting smile before passing through the doors, and letting them gently close behind her.
Celestia remained in the dining room, watching the sky outside until the moon rose above the horizon. “As the sun rises, so does the moon... together in Harmony."
Author's Note
There are so many things these two could say to each other about these issues. It took a bit of effort to know when to leave it be.
I wrote this almost immediately after watching "A Royal Problem." Never before had an episode inspired me to write so quickly - but given that it focused on Celestia and Luna, it had fertile ground for speculation. In particular, I was interested in how Daybreaker conducted herself - she seemed different from Nightmare Moon in a few ways notable ways - and given that the episode showed what both Celestia and Luna's routines were like, it was enough to suggest a connection...
Many of us can understand and sympathize with Luna's loneliness, that turned her into Nightmare Moon. But I think Celestia is relatable as well - how many of us hate the chains society places on us? How many would snap and just... want to be free?
