Celestia's Tea Conquest

by JackRipper

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Pony Joe, Prince Blueblood, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 1726

Tea is the only way Princess Celestia is able to get through her day, how does she react when her tea suddenly vanishes? Not well, not well at all.

It is common knowledge within Canterlot Castle that Princess Celestia is rather fond of her tea, and is particularly amicable after having her first cup. Upon waking up and finding that there's no tea to be found within the castle, how does Princess Celestia react?

Not well, not well at all.

Rated T for dark humor, harsh language and false death threats.
Proof-read and edited by ChappedPenguinLips.
Cover art by LateCustomer on Deviantart.

Published 2017-06-05 17:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-05 17:40:06 UTC

The day the Sun Princess lost her cool.

Celestia awoke with a smile on her face. Glancing over at her balcony window, she trotted over and gently pushed it open with her magic.

“Rise and shine, my little ponies,” Celestia whispered to herself as she closed her eyes.

Slowly, with both precision and care, the sun touched the horizon, bathing Canterlot in a beautiful red-orange glow.

Eager to start her morning, Celestia readily dressed herself in her regalia and exited her bedroom, nodding to the guards posted on the other side as she walked.

“Good morning, Princess,” the guards said to her simultaneously, bowing their heads as Celestia walked through the corridor toward the castle’s kitchen.

After a minute of walking, Celestia could smell the fresh scent of herbs that the kitchen produced. Giving a soft sigh, Celestia rehearsed her schedule to herself. “Enjoy a cup of tea to start the day, and in about two hours, enjoy a meal with my sister as she heads off to bed. Then, day court resumes once again, where I resolve problems for ponies that they could easily fix themselves.”

She hadn’t meant for her tone to become as acidic as it did, but she often found herself cranky before her first cup of tea. Luckily for her, she could always carry a sense of professionalism with or without her herbal remedy.

Or so she thought, anyway.

Appearing in the kitchen door-frame, the cook gave her a genuine smile as he levitated a bundle of herbs into the pot, still taking the time to dip his head in respect.

“Mornin’ Princess! Did you stop by for some tea?”

Celestia rolled her eyes playfully at him, “Chef Hard Boiled, this has been routine for quite some time now. I’m fairly certain that the only reason you don’t make it ahead of time is because you want to chat with me while it’s being made.”

“I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about!” the chef called out as he disappeared into the pantry.

Celestia felt the grimace that she was holding back spread across her face. Her conversations with the chef would be a lot more pleasant if he took the time to shower more than once every three days, but mentioning the idea to him would certainly be mortifying for him to hear, she had to maintain her maternal image, after all.

“Uh, Princess? Sorry to break it to you, but it looks like there’s no tea left in the pantry.”

Celestia pushed aside the insidious thoughts of having the chef hung at the gallows for his incompetence, reminding herself that the only ponies that deserved public execution were those that enjoyed coffee instead of tea. Her sister was an exception to this rule, as she needed it to get through her night court.

Celestia clicked her tongue in mild annoyance. “Are you certain that you didn’t overlook it? Maybe it isn’t in the same place it usually is?”

There was a long pause before the chef answered her, “No, I’m pretty sure it’s always in the same place. Sorry Princess, we’ll have more shipped to the castle right away.”

Celestia could hear the grinding of her own teeth as she forced herself to smile, “It’s no trouble at all! I’ll just stop by a nice little establishment in Canterlot, it’s not as if there’s no tea in Canterlot, right?”

“What do you mean you have no tea, Pony Joe?” Celestia hissed as she began to feel herself heating up.

The stallion on the other side of the counter began to look uncomfortable as he could feel the heat coming off of the now irate sun princess. “Princess, I’m sorry! The pony that I usually import the tea from has decided to cut me off! If you give me a week, I’ll have tea again in no time.”

The thought of not having tea for a week straight caused Celestia’s facial features to harden, “I’m afraid that I won’t be able to wait a week, Joe.”

Celestia paced back and forth, her body beginning to emit visible steam. This was why she avoided getting frustrated at all costs, as possessing the magic of a star left her more than a little heated.

“I… uh,” Pony Joe trailed off as he stared at the scorch marks Celestia was leaving across the ground. Just then, Celestia sprung up, causing Joe to drop to the floor from the sudden reaction.

“I've got it! Twilight ought to be up enjoying her morning right now! I’ll spend some time with my former student!”

Pony Joe gave Princess Celestia an anxious look in response to her sudden revelation, “I don’t know if that’s entirely necessary, Princess, I know another diner that-”

In a flash, Celestia teleported all the way to Twilight’s Castle.

Twilight Sparkle hummed to herself quietly as she levitated a book in front of her, out of the corner of her eye, she could see Spike carrying another set of books downstairs. It was one of the few days she could sit and read a new book and drink a cup of something nice and hot.

Shing!

A bright flash engulfed the room, causing Twilight to shield her eyes as Princess Celestia now stood before her, looking tired and ragged.

Spike shielded his eyes with one claw, causing him to lose his grip on the books he was holding, falling down the set of stairs with the books in tow.

Crash!

Celestia gave her former student a big smile, ignoring that fact that she may have just given Twilight’s assistant a concussion.

“Twilight! It’s so good to see you! I’m sorry if this was sudden, but I was just wondering if you wanted to join me for a cup of tea? The two of us haven’t chatted in quite some time.”

Twilight gave her mentor a sheepish grin as she swiftly levitated Spike out of the pile of books he was buried in, “I’d love to, Princess. Though I hope you don’t mind, but I haven’t had time to make any tea, or buy any for that matter.”

Celestia gave Twilight a chuckle that was devoid of any real joy, “Nonsense, Twilight. You’re drinking some right now, let’s not joke around.”

Twilight took a small sip from her mug before tilting it toward Celestia so that she could see inside, “It’s actually coffee, Princess. I know you might find it kind of weird that I drink it black. I’m just so used to having it late at night that I stopped taking the time to -”

Smash!

Without warning, Celestia used her magic to envelope the mug that Twilight was holding, chucking it at the wall adjacent to them. It smashed into a dozen pieces as the coffee splattered against the back wall.

“P-Princess! What was that for?!” Twilight exclaimed as she quickly levitated books away from the splash zone.

“My dearest Twilight, I was just keeping you from partaking in sinful behavior. You’re the Princess of Magic anyway, you’ll fix the mug in no time.”

“I’m the Princess of Friendship,” Twilight said, giving Celestia a deadpan stare.

“Whatever, same thing,” Celestia dismissed the notion with a wave of her hoof, “Anyway, I need tea five minutes ago. So I’m going to pay my nephew a visit real quick before I’m charged with second-degree murder.”

Celestia vanished in the blink of an eye, leaving Twilight with her jaw agape.

“I’m going to need more coffee, Spike,” Twilight murmured, picking up pieces of coffee-drenched ceramic off of the floor.

Celestia landed just a few feet from Prince Blueblood’s doorstep, cracking the tile walkway as she impacted the ground, her breathing becoming slightly heavier and her mane now shimmering in the light.

“Huff… maybe I shouldn’t have teleported… huff… from Canterlot to Ponyville and back again,” Celestia chastised herself in between breaths as she approached Blueblood’s front door and banged on it with her hoof.

A second later, a servant opened the door, “Excuse me, but there’s a doorbell for a-”

“Fetch me Blueblood, now,” Celestia interrupted as it dawned on the servant just who he was addressing.

He stammered for a moment, muttering some kind of half-assed apology before closing the door again. Celestia was only minutes away from ripping the door off its hinges and walking in herself.

A very anxious-looking Prince Blueblood opened the door, “Auntie! How wonderful to see you!”

“Cut the shit.”

Blueblood’s face froze with shock, “I… oh, okay.”

He gulped, standing in place awkwardly, “So… do you want something? Princess?”

“Tea.”

Blueblood shuddered as he looked into Celestia’s eyes, there was a fire hidden behind them.

“Princess… I don’t know if I-”

“Blueblood, get the fuck out of my way.”

Celestia forced the door outward with her magic, sending Blueblood flying across the room, crashing into the wall behind him with enough force to crack it.

“My back,” Blueblood whimpered as he cradled himself with his hooves.

“Oh, you’ll be fine, dearest nephew. You don’t have a spine anyway,” Celestia sneered as she sluggishly carried herself to his kitchen, the lack of caffeine beginning to afflict her.

Blueblood gasped in pain as he stood up and limped toward the kitchen, eyeing Celestia with utter trepidation as she made her tea.

“Auntie, I was going to open the door for you.”

She gave him a cold look as she hovered the teabags in the air, “Nephew, if you continue to speak, there won’t be enough of you to fill a cremation urn.”

Blueblood let out a girlish squeak and cowered in the corner as Celestia used her magic to boil the water, only a few minutes later, and she finally had her tea.

Celestia let out a moan as the tea hit her lips. “Oh yes, that’s some good shit right there,” she said as she downed the tea in one gulp.

After several seconds, Blueblood finally gathered the courage to speak up, “Are you alright now, Auntie?”

Celestia gently placed the cup on the counter, perking up as if the events of the last hour hadn’t just occurred.

“Of course, my lovely nephew! I’m ready to start my day!”

Author's Note

I don't regret writing this, not even for a second.

You realize this makes you trash, right? Terrible, terrible trash.
- ChappedPenguinLips