The Honorable Princess Judge Twilight Sparkle

by Darklordcomp

Rating: teen
Tags: Anon, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Self Insert, Random, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2826

Twilight Sparkle is elected as Ponyvilles' Judge... she doesn't understand why either.

The Court cases are real, the people...ponies? Ponies are real! This is Judge Twilight Sparkle.

Written by myself and Stupidhand14

Published 2017-06-08 20:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-26 16:13:05 UTC

1: "Heartstrings v. Doo"

”Heartstrings v. Doo” By Darklordcomp

Twilight Sparkle sat behind "the bench" her wings ruffling beneath her heavy black judge robes, and her mane itching from the tight bun it was tied into. She resisted the urge to groan, why she agreed to become Ponyville’s Judge for any crime that wasn't considered federal she'd never know. She had just gotten back from saving the Space-Time Continuum and singing a very snazzy song about friendship to her new student, Starlight Glimmer, when suddenly Mayor Mare trots on up to her, hands her a powdered wig and says “congrats Twilight, you are our new judge!”

Now here she sat, the following Monday, barely staying awake since Mondays were sleep in days for her and Spike (she was forced to agree to it by Spike, he stated that she needed the extra sleep since she barely slept on weekends anyway), Big Mac standing to the side of the bench in a bailiff uniform (which showed off his curves nicely…) and Spike sitting next to her in a raised chair, typewriter at the ready to take notes on all the proceedings.

She was about to turn to make conversation with Big Macintosh when the speakers that surrounded the room turned on and Starlight Glimmer her student/secretary announced that the court room would soon be full of ponies coming to watch the court cases. With a sigh Twilight got up and left the room, since apparently, the judge wasn’t supposed to be in the room when Ponies got there, and waited.

Waiting in the break room behind the bench Twilight sipped her coffee and waited for what felt like ages but was about ten minutes, for Starlight to call the courtroom into session. Twilight then made the trudge back to her seat and Big Mac called out “All rise for the Honorable Princess Judge Twilight Sparkle!” causing the ponies in the room to stand and Twilight to scream a little internally.

Taking her seat Twilight took a big breath and said “Thank you Big Mac, everypony you may be seated, the court is now in session.” Big Mac nodded and everypony sat down except for two ponies standing behind the defendant’s desks. Twilight recognized both, one of them was Lyra, a mint unicorn who was suing for 100 bits because of damage done to her Lyre and other musical instruments, the other was Ditzy “Derpy” Doo, who was…just there to defend themselves she wasn’t even going to counter sue, Celestia bless her.

“Right, the Court case of Lyra Heartstrings vs Ditzy Doo is now in session, do both of you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth while you are inside this court?” Twilight asked them both, receiving verbal acknowledgement from both.

“Alright then, Lyra can you explain what happened from your point of view?” Twilight looked to the fuming unicorn who looked eager to tear into the unperturbed pegasi across from her.

“Oh yea, Princess I’ll –” Lyra began only to be cut off from a stern cough from Big Mac

“Ahm sorry to interupt but that's Honorable Princess Judge Twilight Sparkle.” He drawls giving the mint mare a stern...glare.

Lyra huffed “ Honorable Princess Judge Twilight Sparkle, I’ll explain what happened.” Lyra then turned to Ditzy with anger clearly drawn on her face “This bubble head delivered me nothing but sawdust!”

The Honorable Princess Judge Twilight Sparkle banged her gavel “Refrain from insulting the accused, thank you” Lyra had the decency to be embarrassed before Twilight continued turning to the pegasus in question. “Now Ditzy, is this true, did you deliver Lyra saw dust instead of her…” Twilight looked back to Lyra.

“Lyres” the mint unicorn growled, recovering from her momentary embarrassment.

The pegasus shrugged. “I don’t know why there weren’t lyres in there. I’m almost certain I packed them.”

“You are not contesting the absence of the lyres though, is that correct?” Twilight closed her eyes for a moment, taking in a deep breathe. “Why is this matter appearing in court if you’ve already worked it out?”

“Because it isn’t worked out! I still haven’t received my lyres and it’s been three weeks since the incident!” Lyra fumed. “That’s why I’m suing for 100 bits so I can afford to order new lyres!”

Twilight could feel a twitch starting in her left eye. “Lyra it costs 100 bits to even have your case appear before court, even if you win the case today all you would accomplish is paying yourself back for bringing the case to court in the first place!”

Ditzy gasped. “Oh no! I can give her a hundred bits your honor if that helps!” Ditzy turned to her left and pulled out a bit bag. She rummaged through it for a minute before giving up and just throwing the bag towards Lyra only to have it land on the floor, a loud wooden smack sounding throughout the court. “Oops, I’m sorry.”

The Honorable Princess Judge Twilight Sparkle, in a very even and not at all heated tone, asked, “Ditzy, what’s in those bags?”

Ditzy moved over to pick up the bag before giving it to Big Mac. The stallion looked into the bag, and with the best poker face he could muster, walked it over to the Judge. Inside the rather large bag were half a dozen lyres.

“Ditzy… this wouldn’t happen to be your delivery bag would it?” the Princess Judge ground out, her hair starting to sizzle slightly. She used her magic to float the bag back towards the confused mare and waited seven long, painful seconds.

Ditzy squinted, her eyes uncrossing to focus on the bag floating in front of her, before giggling and saying “Oh yea, I grabbed it this morning thinking it was my bit bag!” Her smile then dropped and turned into a concerned frown. “Oh no, that means I don’t have any money for Lyra! Can I run home and get my bit bag for her?”

Twilight slammed her gavel. “The court will take a five minute recess so that Ditzy can go get her bit bag from home. Any objections?”

“Um… your honor?” Lyra raised her hoof. “I think I know where Ditzy’s bit bag is…” Lyra levitated a box onto the table. SHe opened it and upended it onto said table, spilling out a pile of sawdust. At the very end, a small bag fell out, landing on the top, sending sawdust flying everywhere.

“You found it!” Ditzy galloped over and hugged Lyra. “Thank you so much!” She took the bit bag, pulling out one hundred bits. “Here you go, Lyra!”

“Aw, thanks Ditzy.” Lyra turned back to the judge, who was curiously absent. “Where’d Judge Twilight go?”

Everyone looked around before, in a flash of light, the Honorable Princess Judge Twilight Sparkle was back in her seat. “Apologies about that. Had something to take care of.”

Everyone was confused for a second, before they heard a scream coming from a distance that curiously sounded like the Judge sitting before them.

“Now, I will render my verdict.” Twilight shuffled papers in front of her. “I pronounce the defendant, Ditzy Doo, guilty, and must pay a fine of one hundred bits to Lyra.”

“Okay!” Ditzy went back to her bit bag and withdrew another hundred bits, putting it in front of Lyra. “I got more deliveries to go take care of, bye!”

“Court dismissed.” With that Twilight teleported out of the courtroom, her chair catching fire because of the unnecessary amount of power she put into the spell.

In the little chair next to the bench lay Spike, forgotten and asleep at the typewriter the only words he had managed to type before drifting off to dreamland were the words “All” until his head hit the keys, causing the magic typewriter to cycle through “asdkadlksnadlknasdladnlkasndlasdks9andklsdnaldnskad” until it finally ran out of room on the paper.

When the excerpt was sent to Mayor Mare the next day she’d think it was just another prank pulled by Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash (Celestia forbid both) and would burn the paper and go to Twilight demanding a replacement be sent.

Thus the Honorable Princess Judge Twilight Sparkles day ended as it had started, with the Mayor being defenestrated.

2: Doctor v. Glimmer

"Doctor v. Glimmer" By: Stupidhand14

Twilight took a sip from her cup of coffee (or as Princess Luna calls it, her Draught of Caffeine), smoothing over her outfit, she double checked her case notes, making sure it was all organized by the dewey decimal system (the only true way to organize).She was once again wearing the required outfit for court, now she just had to wait for Bailiff Macintosh to announce her.

As if on queue the stallions strange soprano voice rung out across the court “All rise for the Honorable Princess Judge Twilight Sparkle.”

Stepping out to the court, she saw that it was less overflowing than it had been the previous week. That still meant there were several ponies forced to stand, and a couple pegasi were forced to sit on the support struts holding up the roof, but there weren’t any waiting outside.

Sitting down, she turned to her bailiff. “Thank you, Big Mac. Everypony may now be seated…” A single strand of hair fell into her eyes. She forced it back into the bun as she sat. “Court is now in session.”

Her gaze turned to the ponies she would need to deal with. To her surprise, her own student, Starlight Glimmer, was the defendant, while the plaintiff was The Doctor, which was surprising, since in Twilight’s eyes he was usually the most reasonable pony in town next to Octavia.

“The court case of The Doctor versus Starlight Glimmer is now in session. Do you both swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth while you are inside this court room?” Both ponies nodded their consent. “Very well. Plaintiff, please, explain your case.”

The Doctor looked around the court, as if for the first time realizing he was the center of attention. Clenching his teeth, he forced a smile. “Twilight, do---”

“Princess Twilight,” Big Macintosh interjected, with a glare that had enough venom in it that it could give a hydra heartburn.

“Apologies. Princess Twilight do y---”

“But the only name you should be using is Honorable Princess Judge Twilight Sparkle.” Big Macintosh’s glare was so powerful it could turn Discord and a Cockatrice to stone.

“O-of course!” The Doctor visibly shook, his legs looking as if they’d give out beneath him. “Honorable Princess Judge Twilight Sparkle, do you think we could make this court a bit more private?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Might I ask why?”

“This case relates to secrets that could unravel the very rug of the universe! Space, time, gravity, all of their mechanics would be revealed and anypony here could use it to destroy the multiverse.”

“Very well.” Twilight pulled out her inflatable gavel, slamming it, releasing its loud squeaky noise. She forced herself to keep a straight face, silently sending a prayer that Celestia would send her an actual gavel soon. “Big Macintosh, please escort everypony out of the courtroom.”

As he moved to comply with the request, the Doctor just had to interrupt. “Actually, Honorable Princess Judge Twilight Sparkle, Ditzy, Octavia, and Roseluck don’t need to leave, as they are my traveling companions, and they already know the inner workings of the space, time rug.”

“Very well. Bailiff, please escort everypony except for those three out of the courtroom.” As he moved towards her, she held up a hoof. “Besides myself. You can carry me out later today.” she replied with a saucy wink.

Big Mac moved into the crowd, a baton swinging mercilessly at anypony who didn’t vacate the court immediately, Twilight cringed and was about to stop him when she heard the telltale squeak of a blow up toy coming from the officer's baton…

She cringed, she still couldn’t believe that Ponyville couldn’t afford real equipment for something as delicate court.

“Now, you may begin, Doctor.”

“Thank you,” he said, bowing. “I know this may surprise you, but this mare is not the perfect student that you think she is. She nearly doomed all of Equestria by violating my patent and monopoly. She illegally stole magic from Canterlot and went through the multiverse by changing the past.”

“This is already known to Us, but as the ponies she harmed by changing the past were undone with the future being righted, she cannot be prosecuted.” She couldn’t help but sigh. She had tried so hard to find some charge to take Starlight to court, but nothing materialized.

“While I understand that, she used multiple spell mechanics that are patented by myself, and violated my government given monopoly on time travel. This means that she must surrender her Tardis, pay me, and sign an oath never time travel again.”

“Very well. Starlight, how do you plead?”

“Twilight, you know this is ridiculous. A monopoly on Time Travel? That doesn’t even make any sense.” She turned to The Doctor. “Besides, I’ll have you know I made 90% of that spell up on the spot, so I couldn’t have stolen it,” She flailed her arms. “Hell I couldn’t have stolen it even if I wanted to, I was on a tight schedule, I had to literally throw together a revenge spell, running on nothing but coffee, energy drinks, and a week old box of doughnuts!”

“You still violated the laws of space and time, and put the entire universe in danger… multiple times!” the Doctor shouted.

“You tell him, Doc!” Ditzy shouted from the crowd of three.

“Silence from the gallery,” Bailiff Macintosh said, though his voice was strong enough to cause a small echo in the room.

Twilight turned to the defendant, who looked almost bored, if her staring out the window showed anything. “Starlight, how do you respond?”

“Huh?” Starlight looked up from her notes, as if remembering what she needed to do. “Oh, right.” Clearing her throat, she went on. “I don’t see why you need to listen to this guy, Princess Judge Twilight Sparkle, he won’t even give us his real name! How do you know he actually has a patent out if you can’t even look up his real name!?”

“I have told you my name multiple times!” the earth pony interjected. “It’s not my fault you never understand it!”

Starlight let out a huff. “What is it then?”

“Doctor.”

Starlight closed her eyes rubbing her temple. “Doctor who?”

The stallion nodded. “Exactly.”

“Alright, well, Dr. Exactly, as I was say---”

“No, not Dr. Exactly!”

“Well, then tell me: Doctor, who?!”

“Exactly!”

At this point, Twilight once again slammed her inflatable gavel, eliciting a squeak to fill the room. “Starlight, please continue with your argument. The name is not important, at this time. He has already shown proof of his patent.”

“Oh, right.” Starlight had the conscious to look embarrassed. “Well, as for his claims, if I infringed on his copyright, it would mean that he stole from Starswirl’s time travelling spell, and, if it is derivative work from that, then it is currently in the public domain, meaning it’s legal to use for free.”

Twilight’s eyebrows knitted together for a second, contemplating Equestria’s copyright law. After a few seconds, a strand of hair fell from her bun and into her eyes. However, with a simple spell (based around the same magic it takes to move the sun), she set it back in place.

This was a sticky situation, and would likely set a precedent in copyright law for years to come. Which meant that she would have to be very careful… but, then again, this could be an opportunity for a friendship lesson. And if she put a friendship lesson resolution as a precedent, Celestia might very well reward her with an actual gavel (maybe even two!).

“I have reached a verdict.” Twilight slammed her inflatable gavel again. “Starlight, your punishment for infringing on copyright is to assist the Doctor as one of his ‘companions’ for a day.”

“Twilight, this sounds suspicious…” Starlight looked back at the only other ponies out in the gallery. From there, she could see each of the three mares brandishing a variety of sharp and blunt objects. “And could get me killed.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Twilight waited until the Doctor all but dragged Starlight away, with three other mares carrying their weapons of war out with them. The moment the door closed, her bun fell apart, causing her mane to fall back into it’s neat, yet nerdy (and fashionable) style.

“So, Spike, did you stay awake this…” Spike was, once again, asleep, head first, on the typewriter. Making a mental note to transfer some paper from the Royal Paper Storage Fortress, she levitated Spike off the keys and carried him to the side room.