“Van van van! Right now!”
Jared threw in another wad of cash from the deposit box into his duffel bag. “What do you see?!” he called to the lookout.
“Oh god, I see so many of the cops, man! They’re crossing eight blocks fast!”
Groaning, the leader of the three-man team emptied out the rest of his latest deposit box and shook Gabriel by the shoulder roughly. The stout man gave a grunt in reply to Jared’s action and hefted up the commercial buzzsaw they had used to open up the bank’s deposits.
“Leave it, Gabe,” Jared ordered, hefting his Mossberg upward. “You put your gloves on for once, and Mike’s making it sound like we need to get outta here hella fast.”
“Gotcha.” The saw fell to the ground with a heavy metallic clank. Lifting up his own Mossberg and army bag of valuables, Gabriel followed after his masked boss and into the foyer of the small community bank.
Jared struck his arms wide and strutted out into the middle of the cowering crowd. “Thank you for your cooperation, ladies and gents!” He shot a toothy grin to the tellers lying nearby. “And thank you especially for that fantastic display of trust in this takeover.” Jared’s smile went cold as it landed on a blonde civilian. “But I do not take kind to you, Miss Nobody. Panic buttons are off limits to those who don’t work at the bank.”
The woman sat up and spat at his feet.
The masked robber simply sighed and went back to addressing the hostages. “Well, we’ll be taking—”
“Shut up and move!” Gabriel shouted, shoving his boss forward. A round went off next to Jared’s head as his bustling cohort fired a shell into the air. The spent cartridge clattered hollowly against the floor as the people around, including Jared, held onto their ears as a result of the blast.
“God…!” Growling, Jared simply kept moving. “What did I say about the ‘no fire rule,’ G?!”
Gabriel chambered another round and backed away towards the bank’s entrance, gun flicking rapidly between targets. “Job’s almost over, J. Keep it moving.”
Michael met them at the door, his face pale as he pointed out the door. “Oh my god, do you see—”
“Stay calm and get to the van,” Jared muttered hotly as he approached the nervous man. “And put your pistol back on safety. I thought I told you wouldn’t need it.”
Silently, Michael clicked the pistol back onto the safety and ran out the door for the van. Jared and Gabriel followed suit after reaching the doorway themselves.
Gabriel threw open the back doors to the rumbling getaway vehicle and jumped in, quickly joined by Michael. Their leader Jared ripped off his ski mask and glared daggers at the driver. “Hit the—!” He took pause.
Ears folded up against the sides of his head, the brown horse in the driver’s seat gripped the rubber wheel tighter.
“What’s wro—?” Michael trailed off.
As the sirens tore up outside, the three humans stared at the creature that had replaced their driver. It was featureless, save for the strange mark of an old wagon wheel on it’s flank, as well as the oddly jet black mane; the hair looked like something straight out of a cartoon. As the jaws of the robbers worked hard to formulate any words at all, the equine blinked slowly and stared at the wheel under its hooves.
“So…” The masculine-voiced pony turned to Jared. “How do you work this cart?”
Gary blinked, not sure of what to think. He stared at the reins in his grip, then looked to the colorful horses standing before him. Well, they weren’t horses per say, as they only reached up to his waist at most. He decided they were more akin to a Shetland pony in terms of height. The human could tell that they were all clearly anxious, but he didn’t know what for. They hadn’t noticed their new driver, however, giving the young adult some time to process the situation.
Gary was sitting atop an old time horse-drawn cart in the midst of an equally old school town. The western village looked like something straight out of an animated movie, it’s vibrant colors absolutely popping out to greet him. Orange, untrodden dirt surrounded the outskirts of the town, giving way to a desert of cactuses and tumbleweeds, as well as a terrifyingly bright blue sky above. The human found it strange that the dirt streets of the town were so empty, but a gut instinct and the following events gave him an answer as to why the world felt so deserted.
Within seconds, everything went awry.
There was a large commotion from Gary’s right. The attentive man found himself staring at a group of ponies as they tore out of a big wooden building that housed four giant letters that spelled the word ‘Bank.’ As the details clicked together in his mind, the tiny ponies ran towards their getaway cart, cheesy burlap bags in their mouths. The three dark-hued ponies jumped the half-meter distance to get onto the cart and settled in comfortably with their bags.
“Well?” The biggest of the ponies, a black-coated stallion eyed Gary expectantly. “Don’t know what happened to our driver, but you look like you can drive!”
Blinking, Gary looked to the reins in his hands, then to the two ponies ahead of him, their faces alight with cheerful smiles.
“Do it!” one of the brown-coated ponies whispered loudly. “I wanna run!”
“We wanna run!” the second, grullo-colored pony corrected excitedly.
“Er…” Gary looked between the excited ponies and the maskless robbers behind him, confused and conflicted on what to do.
“That’s them!”
A pony with a stetson and a shiny star appeared out of nowhere, not too far away from the cart. Gary reacted quickly upon the sight of the law; he hiked the reins up, stared forward, and then cracked the straps hard.
“Giddy up!”
Whooping excitedly, one of the stallions shouted, “Aw yeah!” and took off, harness wrapped snug around his body. His grullo friend shared the excitement, and he pulled the cart in tandem with his robber-in-law.
Laughing maniacally as the ponies took off, Gary gripped the reins tighter and looked back to the ponies that were laughing as well. One of them dug into their burlap sack and pulled out a handful of bright, golden coins. The currency glinted in the sunlight, and in the amateur getaway driver’s mind, he could only think of one thing to say.
“I have no idea where I am, but this place is great!”
“This place isn’t so great…” Wooden Drive muttered as the humans around him bickered loudly.
“What do we do, man?!” Michael was practically shaking as he rumbled around the back part of the van, his mask wrinkling under his hands’ worried movements. “There’s a horse in our car, and Gary’s missing!”
“Actually, I’m a—”
“Shut up!” Jared glared rays of fire at the equine. “I don’t wanna hear a word out of your magic horse mouth!”
Wooden’s lips twitched slightly, but he just went back to staring down the alley through the windshield glass.
Gabriel was peering out the back windows, looking for any sight of the authorities. “The cops are almost here, guys. I can hear ‘em.”
“We all can hear them!” Jared yelled. Groaning, he threw his Mossberg into the back. Michael caught the weapon as Jared stormed out of the van.
“Where are you going?!”
“I’m gonna—oh crap, what’s that?!”
There was a muffled thump from outside as Jared dropped below the window and out of view.
After a few seconds of silence, Michael set the shotgun aside and leant forward into the front row. “Jared?” he called. “You good, man?”
Standing, the boss held up a shiny yellow coin between his fingers. Wooden’s eyes went wide at the sight of the coin.
“How’d a bit get here?”
Gabriel turned, his face uncharacteristically fearful. “Guys, they’re—!”
“A bit? What… what is a—whatever!” Jared stomped over to the driver’s side of the car and pulled the door open. “Get out of the car!”
“Same goes for the rest of you!” a voice shouted from behind the van. “Come out to the back of the vehicle with your hands up, or we will use lethal force!”
Michael looked to Gabriel’s place at the back of the van, but only saw his friend opening the two doors, the bulky man’s Mossberg laid unloaded on the floor. Michael went to grab his pistol from its holster, but hesitated. ‘Maybe Gabe has the right idea…’
Inhaling deeply, Michael emerged from the back of the white van with his arms high above his head.
“You’ll never take me—!” Jared collapsed beside the front of the vehicle as the ends of four separate tasers landed on his back. “AGH!”
“Fellas.” The local sheriff tipped his hat to Gabriel and Michael. Then looked to the pony that had come out as well. The man’s eyes went wide at the sight. “Sweet Jesus.”
Gabriel swallowed thickly as the man approached. “Sir?”
The policeman stood up straight and cleared his throat. “Right, sorry fellas.” He looked back to the group of men behind him. “Cuff ‘em, boys.”
As three of the officers from the posse moved forward to put handcuffs on the robbers, they paused mid stride, eyes locked to the pony.
“Oh. My. God.” One of the officers dropped his cuffs and rushed over to where the sheriff stood scratching the pony’s head. “That is the cutest Shetland I’ve ever seen!”
The sheriff chuckled quietly and continued scratching the confused creature. “I don’t think it’s a Shetland, Davis, but you sure are right when it comes to it being adorable.”
Soon, all of the officers had gathered around the pony to coo at its adorableness. Wooden peered out of the pile, looking for anybody that could help him escape his situation. His eyes landed on Gabriel and Michael, the two men having put their arms down to gawk at their savior.
“Please help me,” Wooden whimpered, his ear flicking involuntarily as multiple hands scratched around his crown. “I did not sign up to be pet.”
Officer Davis gave a broad grin as he pet Wooden Drive. “We didn’t sign up to pet, either, my furry little friend.”
Gabriel mouthed, “Take one for the team” to the pony, then pat Michael lightly on the shoulder and whispered, “Let’s grab Jared, the money, and run while we can.”
Nodding slowly, Michael picked up the two duffel bags of cash in either hand, then followed after Gabriel to wake Jared. Within a minute, the gloved-trio were on their feet and hightailing it, their minds full of money and confusion, and maybe just a little bit of regret.
Gabriel looked to Jared, picking up on his friend’s sadness. “What’s up, Jared?”
The boss looked back towards the scene that they were leaving. “I just realized that we could’ve heisted more than just cash on this day.” Sniffling, he looked forward to hide his tears. “I’ve always wanted a pony,” he whispered throatily.
“You’re a natural!” the black stallion laughed, clasping a hoof against Gary’s shoulder. “Tell me, what’s your name?!”
“Gary!” the man replied over the whistling wind. His eyes focused on the dirt track as he reined the cart ponies towards a railroad. “Yours?”
“Bad Horse!”
Laughing heartily, Gary shot a grin back at his new boss. “Pleasure to meet you, Bad Horse!”
“No no, my heinous cohort!” The gleeful stallion looked back at the bags of bits that they had managed to rob from the Dodge Junction Bank. “It is a pleasure to meet you!” Bad Horse eyed his new member of the league with a questioning glance. “Though, I do wonder, would you be interested in joining us for future operations!? You sure have a knack for driving!”
Gary eyed the bags of golden coins behind him, and then the road ahead. A train was fast approaching, but he knew that it would only cut off any pursuers, allowing the group an easy escape. The young criminal didn’t have to think twice about his future life and career as a western bandit.
“Heck yeah!”
Chuckling, one of the three accompanying ponies beside Bad Horse threw his hooves into the air. “High ho silver!”
And with that, the desperados rode off into the desert surrounding Dodge Junction.
Author's Note
I don’t write comedy, but I found this sort of funny.
Bound to be lots of writing errors since I just typed this up real fast from hand-done work. Cheers, and thanks for reading.
