My Little Pony and the Holy Artifact

by DashFan686

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 5105

A monty Python and My Little Pony Crossover? The Madness

Twilight Sparkle has been given a task by Princess Celestia to try and find friends, however on the way she encounters a bunch of silliness, Will Twilight crack under the silliness and what other adventures does the Princess have for her Star Scholar?

Published 2011-12-04 01:25:21 UTC
Last updated 2011-12-09 17:38:04 UTC

And so it begins

It was a cold morning and the land was riddled with fog. Celestia’s Sun barely pierced the fog and it looked more like daybreak than it did mid-morning. The sound of pony feet trotting could be heard as Twilight Sparkle, the Royal Princess Celestia’s Prized Scholar, had galloped up to the imposing walls of the city of Trottingham. She had worn a scholar’s hat on her head with an outfit that bared the royal crest of Canterlot to signify the importance of her position. However what was heard wasn’t Sparkle’s hooves at all, rather it was the sound of her loyal Assistant, Spike, a baby dragon, banging together 2 halves of an empty coconut.

From above those castle walls, another pony, he was wearing a bit of chainmail armor over his brown coat and light brown mane, with a shield as his cutie mark looked down at the pair who had just arrived at the city walls. “Who goes there” he asked the pair”.

Twilight had looked up at the pony and then began her well written introduction with a smile on her face as she began “It is I, Twilight Sparkle, Royal Princess Celestia’s Prized Scholar. Solver of the world’s greatest mysteries. Seeker of Truth. The Voice of the Princess.” She said her last part with a bit of swagger in her voice.

The guard pony looked over towards the baby dragon on Twilight’s back. “And whose the other one.”

“This is Spike” Twilight began to respond. “And he is my loyal and faithful assisstant. We have Ridden all the way from the capitol of Canterlot to gather Knights in my search of friends as ordered by the Princess.”

The guard pony then raised one of his eyebrows “Why does he have coconuts?

“Huh?” Twilight responded

“Coconuts”, said the guard pony “he was banging them together to make it sound like it was ponies trotting about. You are a pony. What was the point of that”

It was at that moment that Twilight had even started to think about why her assistant Spike had brought those coconuts in the first place, let alone why he was banging them together to make it sound like they were horse hooves. Then she responded to the guard pony’s question. “I am not quite sure but that’s irrelevant, go and tell your lord or lady that we have come to ask him or her to join my friendship-”

The guard pony then interuppted “Where did he get them”

Both Twilight and Spike looked bewildered as they looked at the coconuts and began to try and think of how they got them. The only response that twilight could give them was “We found them?”

The guard pony looked skeptical at this. “Found them? On the ground? But that’s impossible”

Twilight looked at the guard pony and responded with a furrowed brow “How exactly do you figure that

The guard pony showing much more knowledge than a normal guardspony would normally show than responded back “the coconuts are a tropical fruit grown on trees in a tropical zone. Trottingham is a temperate zone.”

Twilight than gave him a drop of knowledge of her own. “It is known by us scholars that a swallow may fly south for the winter to seek a warmer climate, yet you are questioning how is it that a coconut could be found around Trottingham and Canterlot.”

The guard pony stopped for a moment. Twilight had a smile on her face, thinking that she had educated the poor common guard pony, but then suddenly the guard pony came back “Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?” A sudden look of bewilderment hit Twilight’s face as she was struck dumbfounded by this statement.

Twilight looked up with her brow furrowed “Not at all” she responded. “I was simply saying that a swallow could have carried it across from Zebrabria”

the guard pony didn’t hesitate on his comeback “A tiny equestrian swallow carrying a coconut?”

Twilight was quick to come back, interested now in this argument. “It could grab it by the husk”

The guard pony came back just as fast “It’s not a matter of where the darn swallow picks up the dang coconut it’s a simple question of weight ratio”

Twilight was completely bewildered by this, she was definitely not expecting a simple guard pony to bring this point up, not even scholars would’ve pointed this out to her.

The Guard pony didn’t let up “There’s no way a five ounce bird could pick up a 1 lb cocunut, much less fly it from Zebrabria all the way back to Equestria” It was at this moment though that Twilight Sparkle was stricken with an Epiphany. This argument was pointless.

Twilight looked up at the guard and then remarked at this “Look this argument is pointless, could you tell your lord or lady that we have arrived and wish to ask-”

But the Guard pony continued “In order for a swallow to maintain Airspeed Velocity it needs to beat it’s wings 43 times per second right?

Twilight began to grow frustrated “Sire would you PLEASES go and tell your-”

The guard pony once again interrupted “Am I right Miss Scholar?”

Twilight furious yelled out “I’M NOT INTERESTED IN THIS DISCUSSION SIR, I HAVE A MISSION IN WHICH I-”

She was cut off with the appearance of another guard this one with the same armor and her coat was red with a grey mane. She had joined in her companions discussion “Perhaps if it was a zebrabian swallow it could have lifted it.”

The male guard pony returned her statement with his own “Well of course a zebrabian swallow could have lifted but surely not an equestrian swallow and that’s the point I was making”

Twilight almost pleading with them cried out “PLEASE Ask your MASTER IF HE OR SHE WILL JOIN ME IN MY QUEST”

The female guard pony almost ignoring her continued on “But the zebrabian swallows don’t migrate now do they.”

The male guard responded “Oh no of course not, that’s my point again”

Twilight just shook her head, and instead continued onward as the two guards continued to debate about swallows and coconuts, as informative as this might sound to scholars, however Twilight has a mission she must accomplish. As she walked though she could hear the two still continuing their debate.

“Suppose two swallows carried it.”

“Now that’s just silly”

“No not really all they would need is just....”

Bring out your Dead

In the town though all across in the middle of it piles and piles of dead ponies, seemingly have died from disease are being placed onto carts. A dong was heard as a metal bar stroke a big bell.

The grey pony who was carrying this had a White and black mane was shouting out “Bring out your dead”. His cutie mark was that of a dead pony being dragged by a cart

All across the stench of people starting to rot was plaguing the streets. Ponies weren’t too sad about this though, it had been as though this was a weekly occurance to bring out those that had died and pile them on a cart and have them pushed off onto a burial site. another clunk on the bell from the grey pony.

“Bring out your dead”

The grey pony was following a black coated pony with a white mane and had a skull and crossbones for her cutie mark, she was pulling the cart. Another clunk on the bell.

“Bring out your dead”

Then a pony came carrying his dead relative. “Nine bits” Said the grey pony, charging his customer for his cart to carry out his dead relative for him. He payed the grey pony and placed his relative on the cart. This cart was the most stacked of all the carts carrying the other dead ponies. Another clunk on the bell.

“Bring out your dead”

All around town the other peasants were acting a bit nutty symptoms from this mysterious plague that had been attacking the city, ponies were digging into baskets, some were doing a silly dance where they were on their side and going around in a circle while flailing their legs on the ground.. Another clunk on the bell.

“Bring out your dead”

The two ponies came to a house where a mare with a yellow coat and straight black mane came out with her cat. She then began to fluff out her cat against her hanged cloth by beating it against it. Another clunk

“Bring out your dead”

The two ponies stopped as another pony with a sorta large figure with a blue coat and purple mane came out with a cryptic looking violet pony whose mane had faded to complete white. “Here” said the blue stallion “I’ve got one for you”

“Nine bits” responded the grey pony. The blue stallion gave the grey pony his nine bits and was about to place the body onto the cart when a voice came from the cryptic looking pony.

“I’m not dead”

“What” responded the Grey pony.

“Nothing” replied the blue stallion insiting that nothing had happened and trotted a bit closer when the voice came again fromt he cryptic pony

“I Said I’m not dead”

“Hey” responded the grey pony “He says he’s not dead”

The blue stallion was quick with his reply “Yes he is”

The old pony responded “I’m not”

“He isn’t” Replied the grey one.

The blue stallion seemingly eager to be rid of his relative continued “Well he will be soon he’s very ill”

“I’m getting better” The old pony said with reassurance

The blue stallion looked back at his old relative and gave him his own reassurance “No your not you’ll be stone dead in a few moments”

The grey pony had held his hand out with the nine bits that had just been given to him “I can’t take him like that” he told the hopeful customer “It’s against regulations.”

The old pony practically pleaded with his seemingly heartless relative “I don’t want to go into the cart”

The blue stallion just gave him a seemingly cold statement “Oh don’t be such a baby”

The grey pony however just shook his head “I can’t take him”

The old pony gave another plea “I feel fine”

The blue stallion looked at the grey pony pleadingly “Come on do me a favor”

The grey pony just shook his head “ I can’t”

The blue stallion still pleaded with the grey pony “Would you wait around for a few minutes he’ll be dead before too long”

The grey pony gave a plea of his own “I gotta go to Redmare’s house, his family lost 9”

The old pony continued pleading even though it was evident he had no input on this “I think I’ll go for a walk”

The blue stallion looked back at his cryptic relative “Look you old coot you ain’t fooling anyone just accept your fate and die already” he then turned back to the grey pony “When’s your next round?”

The grey pony looked at him and answered “Sunday”

The blue stallion pleaded “There must be something you can do”

The old pony interrupted “I feel happy, OH so Happy” While he was saying this the Grey pony looked around to see if anyone was watching them seeing that they weren’t he took this oppurtunity to strike a profit and struck the old pony in the head with his metal bar.

The blue stallion was pleased with this “Ah thank you very much pal” He then slumped his NOW dead relative on the cart

The grey pony not feeling any bit of remorse for what he did simply nodded at him “Not a problem, I’ll see you on Sunday” the blue stallion just nodded.

It was a little while afterwards that Twilight sparkle had galloped past them both with spike still banging the coconuts against each other as she went through town.

“Who’s that” asked the blue stalion as they passed by.

“I don’t know” Replied the grey pony “She must be from Canterlot, probably royalty”

The blue stallion looked back at the grey pony and asked him “How do you know that”

With a straight face the grey pony had replied “She hasn’t gotten shit on her"

Help Help I'm being Repressed

Twilight kept galloping as Spike, because he wasn’t told not to, and probably because he didn’t have anything better to do, continued to bang the coconuts together as she continued through the meadows with a castle in long sight Twilight looked around. In front of her was an old mare with a matted grey mane pulling a cart. Twilight took this opportunity to gather information. “Excuse me, Old mare”.

“Man” Replied the...well now supposed Stallion

“Oh” Twilight said regretfully “I’m very sorry sir. can you tell me which knight lives in that castle over there?”

“I just entered Stallion hood” He replied, now twilight was close enough to see that the stallion had a green coat and what she thought was grey was really just a dirty light blue mane.

“Excuse me?” She said to the stallion

“You called me old, I just entered stallion hood last week” The stallion replied.

“Oh well I don’t think just stallion would work” Twilight said a bit somberly

“How about Jacknife?” The stallion replied to her

“I would have if I had known Jacknife was your name” Twilight replied back.

“Well thank you for asking, oh wait that’s right you didn’t” Jacknife said in a hint of anger behind his voice.

“Well I did Apologize about calling you an old mare” Twilight again said with more sorrow behind her voice.

“What I really object to was the fact you automatically refered to me in a way that you assumed that you were superior to me.” Jacknife said, now it was evident that there was anger as he came to a stop and looked at the pile of mud in front of them both.

“Well I am a scholar and the Voice of Princess Celestia” Twilight said, not meaning to put smug behind her words but she was very proud of her title as such.

“Really and how did you get that title huh. By exploiting us workers for everything we have? And by hanging on to outdated practices of government which continously self-perputates our-”
The stallion however was cut off by what Twilight was sure of now was a mare, mainly because of the sound of her voice as the amber coated and chocolate maned pony called out to Jacknife.

“Hey Jacknife there’s a great patch of manure right here we can use for the gardens!” Then the mare looked up at Twilight “Oh, hello madam, how do you do”

“Hello good lady” Twilight said satisfied that someone around here had much more decent manners. “My name is Twilight Sparkle and I am the voice of Celestia, Princess of the Equestrians. Can you tell me whose castle that is over there?”

The mare looked up at twilight in confusion “Princess of the who?”

Twilight, a bit bewildered by this answered who “Equestrians”

The poor mare went on “And who are the Equestrians”

Twilight was almost baffled by this but continued “We all are, She is your Princess and ruler”

The mare simply shrugged and went to collect the...dung, it was then twilight realized why her mane was so....brown... “Didn’t know we had a princess, I thought we were an autonomous Collective,”

“Your Foalish” Jacknife was quick to respond “We live in a dictatorship” He had put much emphasis on the word dictator ship “a self Perputating autocracy in which the working class”

Instantly the mare had cut off the stallion as they were picking up manure for their gardens “Oh here we go again with the classes deal, I swear you couldn’t live if you didn’t bring that up in a conversation every half-day.”

“But that’s what it’s all about, if ponies were to-” Jacknife had said but was cutoff instantly by Twilight

“I’m so sorry to interupt but I’m on a mission, can you tell me who lives in that castle”

“No one does” The mare replied

“...Then where does the lord of this land live?”

“We don’t have one” Jacknife said insistently

Bewiledered, a land without a lord? Preposterous “You don’t have a lord?” Twilight than asked.

“Of course not” Jacknife quickly Responded “Like we said we’re an anarcho-syndiclist commune that takes turns every week acting as an exectuive officer-”

“That’s all neat and dandy and all but-” Twilight didn’t get to finish her sentence

“However all the decisions of that officer are to be ratified at a biweekly meeting.” Jacknife continued

“Wait...But then how-” Twilight tried to ask but again was cut off which had frustrated her

Jacknife had continued not letting Twilight get off a single sentence “By a simple majority in the case of internal affaris”

“Could you hold on-” Twilight had tried to say frustrated she couldn’t get in the conversation but again was cut off

“By a two-thirds Majority in the case off-” Jacknife didn’t let up but then

“SHUT UP, By the voice of Celestia I command you to SHUT UP” Twilight just couldn’t take it anymore and had yelled at Jacknife.

The mare, suprisingly was the first of the two to speak up “Command she says, who are you to command us?”

“By Celestia’s Voice” Twilight had said still frustrated but reassuring.

“Well I didn’t vote for you” The mare said with a quick comeback

Twilight tilted her head at this “You don’t vote for her voice”

“Well how did you get this Power you think you have” The mare spoke to her quizically and yet cockily like she didn’t expect Twilight to have a convincing answer.

Twilight smiled “I was choosen by Princess Celestia after showing great promise at the Canterlot school of magic, it was there that I was chosen by her to be her personal pupil and she bestowed upon me powers that are but a step below the princess herself.”

“Oh what do you know she’s in power because she’s a good student” Jacknife replied in a snippy tone “Well by her logic my brother Jackhammer should be King of all the lands, aint none better than him in studies. Supreme executive power must be derived from the masses not some fiticious pony that puts the sun up or down on her whim”

“How dare you” Twilight eyes narrowed as she gave Jacknife a dirty look.

“What you can’t expect to have, Supreme executive power, just because this so called princess said you could, I mean that’s ludacris” Jacknife said towards her.

“I SAID SHUT UP” Twilight said again raising her voice in extreme frustration at Jacknife.

“If I went around saying I was the Emperor of this land just because some mythical being said it was ok for me to do so I’d be locked away in a gurney”. As Jacknife said these words Twilight had had enough of this insults that Jacknife was sprouting and she galloped up at him and grabbed him with her hooves.

“SHUT UP SHUT UP I SAID SHUT UP” Twilight Shouted at him.

“Oh look at the violence this system Inherent” Jacknife said as Twilight held him which broke her anger and gave her a sense of annoyance more than anger. “HELP HELP I’M BEING REPRESSED” As he said that a group of ponies came around them, not out of a sense of aiding their fellow pony but more of out of seeing the spectacle that was going on.

“UGH” Twilight said “Everypony in countryside is so Ignorant”. She said returning towards the path she was on.

“Did you see that, Huh, Did you all see that? She was repressing me” Jacknife pleaded but the ponies just looked at him with the same annoyance expression that Twilight had given him.

The Black Stallion

Twilight’s travels for friends had lead her into a Dark forest that had almost been wtihout any sunlight. Traveling through the leaves that had fallen from years past were right underneath her hooves as she continued traveling. Out to the distance though Twilight heard Metal clashing on Metal. It was two swords clashing against each other. Eager to see the battle herself she kept galloping until finally the two stallion who were fighting had come into her view.

She sat there and looked bedazzled at the battle that was going on, a black armored Earth pony stallion, which she can see that his coat and mane matched his armor, was fighting an earth pony stallion with green armor, who under it she can tell he had a dark green coat while his helmet had made it impossible to tell what color his hair was. The two were fighting back and forth, the black stalion was using a sword he manuevered with his hooves gracefully, while the green earth pony was using a blade in it’s mouth that he swung with great force at the “black knight” that Twilight had officially dubbed the blacked stallion.

The fight had raged on for sometime now, it had looked like the green earth pony’s brute strength would prove too much, however a well placed low blow from the black unicorn almost sealed the green pony’s fate. As the green pony was writhing in pain the black unicorn tried to swing his sword down, but at that moment the green pony rolled away and grabbed for a flail which swung wildly at the obvious battled tested black stallion. The green pony then decided to pick up his blade and make one desperate charge at the black stallion. However this act would prove to be the demise of the poor green pony as the black stallion simply threw his blade right into the green ponies left eye skewering through it. The green pony was defeated and his consequences for losing was his life.

Twilight enjoyed the battle very much and then went up to congratulate the black knight and ask him to join her. “You fought so bravely Sir Knight”

The knight said nothing and just stood there with his sword pointed downwards vertically and his hooves on the hilt.

Twilight looked at the knight curiously and continued to ask “My name is Twilight Sparkle, I am Princess Celestia’s prized pupil and the voice of the princess herself. She has tasked me with making friends”

Again, the knight said nothing and just stood there.

Twilight blinked and continued “Brave knight you have proven yourself worth to me and I’d be ever so happy to have you in my friendship circle, what do you say?”

The Knight stood there

Twilight continued “You’d be a very valuable and strong ally to have, we could have great adventures, good times, and losts of laughs, Perhaps even have benifits” She said to the knight shaking her flank.

The Knight stood there.

Twilight’s ears flattened and she gave a sigh “I hate being rejected, but I know a lost cause when I see one” She said as she had begun to make her way past the knight when suddenly he blocked her path

The knight spoke for the first time “NONE SHALL PASS”

Twilight sparkled bewiledered respondd “Excuse me sir?”

The Knight spoke with more ferocity in his voice “NONE SHALL PASS”

Twilight Continued “I am sorry sir but I don’t want any trouble but I have to cross this forest to get to my destination

The knight said threateningly “Than YOU shall Die”

Twilight got angry and tried to use her power to move him “By the voice of Celestia I command you to move aside sir knight”

The knight didn’t hesitate with his next line “I move. For no pony”

Twilight looked down for a moment, and then at that instand all of her Telekinetic sword fighting training swifted back into her mind as her horn glowed enveloping the great-sword that was on her side placed carefully as well as the weight on the other side to balance her out. In one quick motion she detached the weight and drew out the sword simultaneously. It was this motion that told spike to run and hide and so he did getting off of her and running to a nearby tree to get out of the way “So be it sir knight, you will rue this day.” Twilight had remembered her training to put enough concentration to maneuver the sword gracefully, but not so much to render her completely still in combat

The knight responded drawing out his sword as well. The fight between Twilight and the Black Knight had begun. Twilight knew from her training that it is always unwise for the fragile unicorns such as herself to ever attack and waited for the black knights attack. He had responded exactly as she had expected him too and thrash the sword sideways at her and she dodged it gracefully. Parry and parry happened as twilight’s sword and the black knights connected towards each other twice, however during the last parry twilight had stood up on her hind legs while the black knight was down on his knee. Twilight took this opportunity and struck the top of the knights head with the butt end of her sword the sound of it echoing and the impact dazzling the black knight temporarily. Spike had to hold back a chuckle at this as he thought this was hilarious. Afterwards another parry, graceful dodge, and parry from Twilight and then she saw an opportunity and she took it. She swung her sword downwards at the black knight’s left foreleg and cut it clean off.

Twilight spoke towards her seemingly defeated adversary “Now please stand aside sir knight”

The black knight with a serious sound in his voice “Tis but a scratch”

Twilight looked bewildered at this and exclaimed “Wha...but...your foreleg came off!”

The Black Knight responded “Not it isn’t”

Twilight then pointed her sword at the detached arm “What is that then? A log?”

The Black Knight looked over and responded “I’ve had worse”

Twilight spoke angrily “Your a liar”

The Black Knight said again seemingly cocky “Come on ya pansy”

The black knight tried, but slowly swung his sword with his remaining foreleg. Twilight looked at the poor pathetic knight and easily parried every swing the knight had thrown at her. And then the knight took the sword in his mouth and charged straight at her. With the missing foreleg though the knight moved slowly and twilight easily dodged this and with her greatsword positioned, the knight had systematically chopped off his remaining foreleg. The Knight then fell down with the loss of his last fore leg.

Twilight “The battle is mine” Twilight said with a triumphant smile and then she looked up to the sun with a smile on her face as she spoke to it. “Oh Celestia, My teacher and ruler of Canterlot and Equestria I praise this victory in your name for it was your guidance that gave me the ski-”

WHAM

The Knight had kicked her in the head with his hind legs, however not in a bucking matter, luckily but rather in a front kick matter that was so much weaker but had still enough force to knock twilight on her side. Surprised she looked up at the fore legless pony as he spoke to her. “Come on then”

Twilight confused and bewildered only managed to get this much out “Whauhh?”

The Black knight continued to thwack at her, but the kicks seemingly weak towards twilight “Have at you”.

It was then that twilight was able to get up and look at the knight who was groggily standing on his two hind legs. “Listen” She said “I can see that you are a very brave person but this fight is mine already sire”

Black knight quickly replied to her remark “ooooh had enough you little pansy huh?”

Twilight grew in frustration and with malice in her voice she replied to him “Listen you moronic peabrain, your forelegs are gone”

the Black knight once again responded quickly “No they’re not”

Twilight bewildered again responded “LOOOK” She gestured to his non-existant forelegs.

The black Knight said with confidence in his voice “Just a flesh wound” afterwards he continued kicking her with his hind legs frontally and ineffectively.

Twilight spoke up against this “STOP THAT!”

Black knight continued to kick her and insult her as he did “Chicken Chicken Chicky Chicky Chicken!”

Twilight responded threateningly “I will take your leg sir”. Another kick answered her statement “VERY WELL THEN” She said and waited for another kick and clean swiped that leg off, the black knight falling to the ground. Now trying to hobble on the one leg he threatened her again “Right I’ll do you for that.”

Twilight Still confused, perhaps even more than she’s ever been in her life could only respond with this “YOU’LL WHAT???”

The black knight now managed to begin hopping on the one leg helplessly “COME HERE I”LL HAVE YOU”

Twilight responded now collecting herself after her shock of stupidity “What do you plan to do, drown me in your blood?”

The black knight said Menacingly “IM INVINCIBLE!!”

Twilight only shook her head and responded towards this “Your insane”

The Black Knight said with Triumph in his voice “THE BLACK KNIGHT ALWAYS TRIUMPHS” he sloppily threw his body at her not even inflicting any damage as twilight moved to the left. He then said “Have at you” As he began to hobble back up.

Twilight unamused and seemingly annoyed thus far simply just decided to hack off his last leg and he flew around when she did landing on his back with his head facing twilight.

The black knight STILL had cockiness in his voice as he responded towards her “Alright we’ll call it a draw”.

Twilight shook her head and called for spike and then with her telekinetic powers she resnapped the weight and her sword back to her sides in a simultaneous manner. Spike jumped back on her back and began banging the hollowed coconut halves against each other as twilight trotted off. Meanwhile from behind them the black knight was still throwing insults at them “Running away like cowards are ya. COME ON, COME ON YOU YELLOW COWARDS” Twilight payed no attention to the insults oblivious to the loony knight she had just encountered and continued on while he continued “I’ll bite your legs off you yellow cowards. HYAAAAA”