This is a story about a pretentious hipster piece of shit pone being derezzed.

by Zelos797

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 1135

My Pen is Unbelievably Dull!!!

He is basically the best guy there ever was and he must face the everyday philistines of Ponyville.

Published 2017-07-29 13:30:05 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-29 13:30:05 UTC

Best Guy Evr

As I sat around, vaping, A thought came into my head. Why is everyone so fucking retarded? Why was the universe so cruel, as to place me, an only sane person, on a planet of insane shmucks.

“I can hear you vaping, Ben!” A noise interrupted my golden train of thought.

“Fuck off, it’s legal! It ain’t even smoke!” I shouted a phrase, that was all too familiar to me.

“When will you get a job!? You have not payed for the rent for 3 months now!” The noise persisted

“Fuck off, mom, I would get a job any second, if I ever wanted to!” After all, I was the supreme gentleman.

Finaly, the hassling stopped. Sadly, the bitch totally killed my vibe. Now I had to bail into the streets, to find meaning among the sheep. A furr coat, leather shoes, a fedora. Now I am all prepared. I need my full equipment. After all, the peasants need to instantly recognize who it is they are dealing with.

I stepped outside the house, neatly avoiding my annoying bitch mom. The sun was nosiating. The sound of busy, happy sheeps. That is what I call noise pollution. Seeing them walk around the town with their fucking phoney smiles just pissed me off more. What the fuck? Are they retarded? Can’t they see that life is shit? I guess they were just too dumb to see the truth beneath the glow of an ebon flow.

“Oh hi, Ben” Oh, it was her again. That purple know it all dildo riding cunt, Twilight Sparklecrotch.

“Suck my balls Twilight, I’m not in the mood” I smuggly answered her retardation.

“Boy, you don’t look like you’re in a good mood” She cheered me on.

“God fucking damn it,” I whispered as I just walked away from here.

The fedora covered my eyes, so that I would not need to make any eyecontact with these robots. My gaze is something to be cherished and given away only on the most celebratory of occasions. The furr coat protected my skin from the contact with the Sun. I hope it gets cancer and fucking dies. I was glad to see, that in the pocket of my coat was my street vape, in the shape of a pipe. I slowly inhaled some of the wondeful vapours. I tilted my head and exhaled an extra thicc cloud, that made my face look especially cool. I bet the fools in the streets were watching my in awe, not understanding my art. I peeked around. No one was looking. Jesus Christ, I haven’t had sex in a year now.

As I walked around, smuggly peeking at the mare’s asses, I was glad, that the fedora made me undetectable. I felt a touch on my shoulder. It was a manly hoof. I looked around in contemt and it was none other than the town’s simpleton clown, Big Macintosh.

“Listen, buddy...” He exlaimed, only to be instantly stopped by me.

“I ain’t your body, punk” I took his hoof of my shoulder.

“Excuse me, could you please say it one more time?” It only then dawned at me, that I was too scared to talk back at him and that my reply was nothing more than a shitty squeak.

“Yes” I said with a shaking voice.

“Listen, we are all colts here, I understand that, but ladies have been complaining more and more lately. Could you please stop looking at their behinds with such unbrideled hunger. It creeps everyone out...” I was in shock. My fedora failed me.

“Fuck off, you cunt. I will fucking look whereever I want and I will fucking fuck whatever I want” was something that I wanted to say, “ ok “ was what I really said.

“Good to see you being reasonable, buddy,” Big idiot tapped my on my shoulder and just trotted on forward. I am fairly sure, that the hillbilly is having sex with his sister. God, what a degenerate.

Weed makes me cool

I hate the sun. It wakes me up from my slumber. Some people say, that I should just get myself some dark curtains. Some people are wrong. I am not going to waste my money, because the sun is being a dick. This day is too sunny and I don't feel like going out, so I use my computer and write another blog on my highly successful site. I rant about video games and how nobody in that industry knows what they are doing.

Just at the moment of my hooves touching the keyboard, I hear the knocking on my door...God, what fools.

"Open up, this is police. We have a warrant to search your room. There have been compalints on icky smelling smoke, coming out of the window of this house," At that moment I knew...I had nowhere to go and no way to hide what I had in my room. The secret is out of the bag. Everyone will know, and despite the legal issues, I am glad, that the ponies know, that I indeed smoke weed. Who knew it was so easy, to make them think of me as a pony of higher, more sophisticated tastes.

"Open up the door! We can hear the rustling!" One kick later, they were snooping around my place. I was just sitting there, smiling and inhaling my vape. I bet they are gonna be so awestruck by what they find.

"Hey, I see something...yeah, that's a bag of weed," I cockily smiled, as I heard them exlaim of me possesing that green treasure.

"Well, well, well. I guess the secret is out. Yes...I truly am that great man, the one that kept slipping through your hooves for years now. I indeed....do smoke weed," I raised my hand to see the disrespect incarnate in front of me. I was unveiling my master secret and here the cops were just writing something on their ticket, "I said...I SMOKE WEED! DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT HOW COOL I AM!?"

"Ehm...buddy, everybody does it...weed is not even cool. Actually, the guys who do it all the time, are counterproductive bores. I mean, you may think you are cool and funny, when you're high, but nobody's laughing," The look on officer's face...I don't get it. Weed is about the coolest thing one can smoke...where have my calculations gone astray....this is most unsetteling...

"Anyway, here's a ticket. Pay the fine or whatever, just don't take too long. God knows, I don't wanna come back to a loser's den," cops laughed their way out of my room, but who won afterwards? It was me! I still blaze it and they shall never see a whif of my money! Who's the loser now!?

"MOM, PAY THE FUCKING TICKET!"