Rainbow Dash is Replaced by a Lockheed C-130 Hercules

by Vertigo22

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 2712

Rainbow Dash is replaced by the military transport aircraft known as the Lockheed Martin C-130 Hercules.

Over the course of man’s existence, there have been some questions that we haven’t been able to answer, such as what the meaning of life is and why we always lose a sock in the dryer.

However, there are some questions that one does not think to ask as they are... unusual. One of those, for example, is, “what would happen if Rainbow Dash was replaced by the longest continuously produced military aircraft in human history?”

One individual dared to ask that question. After being put through some of the most rigorous tests, these are the results he came up with.

Edited by James Fire.

Published 2017-07-19 21:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-19 21:30:06 UTC

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

The sun shined brightly on Cloudsdale, as was to be expected on a day such as today, for it was time for the colts and fillies at summer flight camp to begin a race!

Fluttershy, as per the norm, looked utterly terrified, despite the fact that all eyes were on the hulking mass of all-American metal and ingenuity that towered over her. The four motionless propellers were unlike anything she'd ever seen in her life. It was as though someone had taken a pinwheel and decided to inflate it to well over twelve times its size.

However, what truly caught the timid filly’s eyes was the hulking machines one-hundred and thirty-two foot long wingspan. As if Fluttershy wasn't already self-conscious about her wings to begin with, the ginormous aircraft had to make her feel even more insecure about herself.

Such is the American way though.

“Alright fillies and gentlecolts!” a sky-blue stallion said as he flew in front of the racers. “Today, we shall be racing through these cloud rings! First one to the finish line, as usual, wins.”

The racers all nodded, with the exception of Rainbow Dash, who responded by starting up her engines.

Fluttershy reacted by letting out a squeak which was heard by nobody, thanks to the roar of Rainbow. As Fluttershy prepared to take off, the ninety-eight foot long machine that had once remained motionless mere inches from her before moved ahead.

As did every other racer.

And in some cases, what remained of them.

Rainbow eventually tore ahead, effectively winning the race. Nobody dared contest her victory for fear of ending up like those who tried to take her lunch money.

Fluttershy, meanwhile, found freedom and solace on the ground thanks to some butterflies, who were thankfully much quieter than her several tonne warplane acquaintance.

The sonic rainboom. It's a sight most will say can inflict a sense of awe that can only be beaten by seeing the vast and infinite cosmos.

BRRRRRRRT

Of course, Rainbow was one for one-upping herself. And when one sonic rainboom no longer seemed impressive, she had her lifelong idols: the Wonderbolts, fire off a round of sound barrier shattering shots from their cannons.

BRRRRRRRT

“Wow, I can't believe she's really going to pull off a triple sonic rainboom,” Fluttershy said as she looked up at her giant metal friend and her idols, who continued to BRRRRRRT away.

Such is the way of the A10 Warthog.

“I know,” Twilight said, wide-eyed as her friend did circles in the air, preparing for her big finale. “Still, are you sure she can do it?”

Fluttershy nodded and turned to face her friend. “She's certain she can do this,” she said with a warm smile. “And knowing Rainbow, she wouldn't do something she couldn't do.”

Meanwhile, Rainbow was high up in the sky as that's what she had to do… obviously.

Though perhaps she was too high up. Not that that mattered to her. What did matter was what she had to do to make this stunt a success.

Reach speeds one would think wasn't possible for a pegasus of her size and pass through the BRRRRRRRT of her idols. The absolute destruction of the sound barrier would then result in a triple sonic rainboom.

Or so she figured it would. Science is hard when one is that bad ass.

Rainbow stopped doing the circles she'd been doing for the past five minutes and began to fly straight down—her 80,000 pound body only helping with the ludicrous speeds she needed to achieve.

As quick as whatever sort of lightning can be compared to a C-130, Rainbow passed through the BRRRRRRRT of her idols and…

KABOOM!

She hit the ground and sent off a triple rainbow-colored shockwave.

Then she exploded in a heap of twisted metal.

Twilight sighed. “I'll call the repairman,” she said as the screams of terror filled the stadium—not the least of which came for the butter-colored mare who was wrapped around Twilight like a giant parasite.

Only more adorable.

And not dangerous.

“I-is she going to be okay?” Fluttershy asked.

“Fluttershy, Rainbow crashed through half of the Everfree Forest last week,” Twilight replied as several fireponies worked to put out the incredible blaze. “I'm pretty sure she can make it through this.”

“Okay…”

As luck, great mechanical work, and black market parts would have it, Rainbow made it through her several month long ordeal of being repaired.

So now, with a fresh coat of paint, new parts and a renewed sense of self-worth, Rainbow had but one idea on her mind!

Brrrrr….

“Rainbow, I just…” Twilight looked up at her colossal friend with a look of uncertainty. She, along with her friend and Scootaloo, stood within her castle having just returned from getting Rainbow a new paint job.

As for Twilight, she wondered if the paint fumes were affecting her friends engines.

“I don't know if bringing Scootaloo camping is the wisest idea. I mean, didn't you just get over that terrible crash last week?”

“Aw, come on, Twi!” Scootaloo protested. She stepped forward and looked up at Twilight with beady eyes, which immediately got the alicorn's attention. “Look at her! She's good as new and promised me days before her crash we could go camping!”

Twilight, somewhat hesitantly, turned back to face Rainbow. She sighed, realizing that, no matter what, Scootaloo would get her way.

Somehow.

“Fine,” Twilight said. “Just be back before the end of the week. Please?”

Scootaloo nodded, repeatedly. “C'mon, Rainbow! Let's race!” With that, the filly ran off excitedly.

Rainbow, meanwhile, settled for a much more subtle and slick means of travel.

She took off out of Twilight's castle, taking a large chunk of it with her.

“So, do you know any good scary stories?” Scootaloo asked as she pitched a tent.

“Brr,” Rainbow replied from inside a massive cave she'd made via her massive size. Amazingly, there was nary a dent on her body. “Brrr.”

“What's the ‘Beast of the Everfree’?” Scootaloo asked curiously.

“Brrrrr…”

“Oh, that's what the residents of the neighboring towns called you when you crashed there as you fought Discord in a battle that caused the entire forest to be engulfed in flames because Pinkie accidentally caused your fuel tank to leak, which subsequently made you and Discord light up?”

“Brr.”

“I see…”

Rainbow lowered her flappers in a not-so subtle display of shame. She knew that letting Pinkie near something flammable was a bad idea.

But she didn't think it was wilderness-obliterating bad.

“Don't worry, Dashie,” Scootaloo said as she patted her kinda-sorta big sister/warplane’s side. “Everyone makes mistakes… even ones that wipeout ninety-three percent of an ecosystem.”

“Brrr…”

“Fine, ninety-eight percent.”

The two sat near the campfire for several minutes as the sun vanished over the horizon and was replaced with the pale moon. After a while of silence, Scootaloo asked, “would you mind if I simply slept inside your cargo holder?”

“Brrr?”

“No, I can't pitch the tent,” Scootaloo replied, blushing. “I… don't know how to do it.”

“Brrrrr…” Rainbow lowered her back hatch and let Scootaloo into it. Deep down, she wished she'd at least emptied her cargo out…

“Rainbow, why's there raw and unprocessed Minotaur meat in here?”

“Brrr…”

“I thought Twilight told you to stop sending shipments to the Sea Serpents last month.”

“Brrr,” Rainbow replied, her propellers suddenly sounding rather indignant.

“Oh, Celestia said it was okay?”

“... Brr,” Rainbow lied in a way a warplane could lie.

“Whatever you say.”

Rainbow lowered her flappers. She knew this wasn't going to go over well with Twilight.

Alas, that's life for a warplane.

CRASH!

Not everything is tough for a warplane though. Something easy is returning through the recently fixed hole the following day to drop off your pseudo little sister.

“Rainbow, drop off Scootaloo outside!”

“Brrr!” Rainbow said as she took off outside the left wall.

Twilight's eye twitched before she fainted.

“I'll call the repairman,” Spike said from another room.

***

Work for Rainbow Dash was easy—and rather fun.

“Rainbow, I've just received word that Tirek has escaped Tartarus,” Princess Celestia said unhappily as she stared at the Element of Chaos/Loyalty. “Please, go show him why it is unwise to mess with the ponies.”

Rainbow responded as she did to the announcer at summer flight camp and turned her engines on. Ever so slowly, she turned around and, after roughly three long (and loud) minutes, she took off out the massive hole she'd made when she entered the throne room.

“Hmm…” Celestia tapped her chin as she looked over the remnants of the entrance to the throne room. “Perhaps I should build an air base in Canterlot…”

Meanwhile, Rainbow flew back to Ponyville, her glorious wings casting a large shadow on the world down below.

Yes, Rainbow loved to live dangerously by flying a few dozen feet off the ground, deafening those unlucky enough to be beneath her as she roared overhead.

Needless to say, many eardrums have been lost in the name of delivering friendship.

Rainbow, however, knew it was for the greater good and hoped that everyone else did too. So, after her dangerous flight to the home of the other five element bearers, she arrived at the one who she needed for this particularly deadly mission.

“HI, DASHIE!” Pinkie Pie screamed as her 80,000 pound friend landed outside of Sugarcube Corner… for the most part at least.

Rainbow started her engines a few times as she gave her friend the details of her mission.

Thankfully, Pinkie was a master of Morse code and, in the blink of an eye, ran into the ruins of the bakery. A few seconds later, she returned with a MOAC.

The Mother of all Cupcakes. A weapon that many feared. The explosive sprinkles, combined with enough sugar to make anyone get diabetes simply by laying eyes on it, had caused it to be labeled as something worthy of a war crime.

At least, in the eyes of those who were on the receiving end. Which had only been the Gryphons, and that was only because Gilda had the audacity to spray paint a less-than kind message on Rainbow's body.

Pinkie loaded the MOAC into Rainbow and shut the back door after it was strapped in. “All set, Dashie!” she yelled.

Rainbow started up her engines and took off. She also took several thousand bits worth of souvenirs with her. It mattered not though as nopony could keep up with Rainbow.

Three-hundred plus mile an hour speeds is just too dang fast for anypony!

Eventually though, Rainbow arrived over where Tirek was battling Princess Twilight—the two putting on a display that would be a sight to behold if it wasn't for the fact that each shock wave that was sent by one of their attacks could blow off entire limbs.

“Dashie! Open the back hatch!” Pinkie yelled. “Let's show that big meanie why he shouldn't mess with us!”

Rainbow couldn't help but mimic the feeling of hitting turbulence as she ‘laughed’. Yes, the mere tone of voice of a pseudo-patriotic Pinkie Pie was too much for the forty tonne warplane.

After calming down, Rainbow lowered her back hatch, to which Pinkie did the only thing that seemed logical to her.

She bucked out 22,000 pounds of friendship on the demon. Somehow, her hind legs didn't shatter.

Such is the logic behind the pink party pony of preposterousness.

Pinkie looked down as the MOAC struck the ground in a dazzling display of fire, frosting, fireworks, and dirt. Whatever trees once stood on the field were reduced to nothingness as Pinkie smiled a less-than comforting smile.

Princess Twilight, meanwhile, had set up a protective barrier. Despite the alicorn's unfathomable power and incredible skill, her barrier barely managed to stay up that late to the sheer force of the MOAC's blast. She grit her teeth as she listened to Tirek’s anguished screams before they ceased completely.

Not even the mightiest of demons can withstand the might of the MOAC!

Rainbow raised her back hatch, as Pinkie saluted the exhausted alicorn down below. She trotted back to the center of the holding bay and threw some confetti into the air; opting to celebrate the entire flight home instead of remaining seated because screw safety.

“Hey, Dashie, what do we do about Twilight?” Pinkie asked after a few minutes of celebration.

“Brrrrr…..”

“Ah, so we're sending the Royal Guard out here?”

Rainbow flew up and down a few times to simulate the nodding of one's head.

Suffice to say, that didn't go over too well for Pinkie, who lay on the floor, giving her own simulation. In this case, a puppet tangled in strings.

“I'll take that as a yes…”

Hearth’s Warming Eve: a time for giving gifts and acting cheerful!

“Rainbow, you know that Tank hibernates during this time,” Twilight said as she patted her metallic friend's left wing. “We've been over this before.”

Rainbow started her engines and shook wildly as her beloved pet, M1 Abrams Tank the Tank, slowly made its way towards a pile of snow before firing off a rocket and creating a large crater.

Not to mention blowing up half of Sugarcube Corner. But, luckily, the Cakes had gotten War Machine Insurance after the last dozen or so incidents involving Rainbow and/or Tank.

“Rainbow, Tank will be back in a few months. I promise.” Twilight rested a hoof on her massive friend's side and gave a warm smile. “Surely you can won't-”

Rainbow started up her engines and flew off, tearing up an unfathomable amount of dirt as she did so—no doubt thanks to the jet fuel diet she'd recently gone on, and flew back to her brand new jet hangar house.

Yes, all the bits from saving Equestria bad piled up to the point that Rainbow was able to afford a new home. One that, to the average working pony, wasn't exactly the prettiest of sights.

Mostly because they weren't warplanes.

But Rainbow cared not for the criticisms the lowly beings of flesh threw her way. Her hangar was a top-of-the-line work of art! It was big enough to house her, tank, and her unhealthy amount of autographed pictures of Soarin’!

With the grace of, well, a forty tonne warplane, Rainbow landed in her hanger and proceeded to cry in a way that only she could.

Screeeech!

She burned her tires on the asphalt and shook violently, creating what the residents of Cloudsdale had come to call the ‘Forty Tonne Temper Tantrum from Tartarus’.

Twilight flew up to Rainbow's hangar, her ears now ringing from the ridiculously loud tantrum, and landed beside her. “Rainbow, I understand you're upset!” she yelled at the top of her lungs, attempting to (somehow) speak over her friend, “but you can't do this every year! Especially when you deafen the residents of your home town for days with this nonsense!”

Rainbow slowly stopped her tantrum and turned to face her small friend. “Brrrr….?”

“Yes, Rainbow, I promise Tank will come back,” Twilight said with a small smile. Had it not been for the fact that her hearing was now mostly gone and she believed one of her eardrums was completely destroyed, her smile would no doubt be significantly larger.

“Brrr!” If Rainbow had hydraulics, or was—at the very least—a lowrider, she'd be bouncing for joy.

So, in the place of that, she settled for lifting her massive body up and down ever so slightly, creating a faint shaking that barely registered in the Richter scale (and terrified small animals).

“Yes, Rainbow, I can see that you're happy,” Twilight said as she gently hugged her friend. “Now, please, do us all a favor and stopped causing the bunnies to stampede. Fluttershy can only do so much before even she loses her cool.”

“Brrr…” Rainbow lowered her flaps and, somehow, blushed.

That or it was rust. Either way, Twilight was unnerved by the sight. Before she could ask her warplane friend what it was, Rainbow took off. Twilight looked up into the sky just in time to see a large ship descending towards Canterlot.

And see Rainbow drop a MOAC on it.

“You're the best, Rainbow,” she said with a tear in her eye.