Spike T. Dragonwitz

by Regis-Th3-Lesser

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 3419

Spike woke up on the crappy side of the bed today

This is a story about how a purple midget stoner... thing, is forced into a chiched time travel situation...

This is gonna fucking suck, isn’t it?

DISCLAIMER: Conatins crass imagery, sexual refrences, and profane laguage

Published 2017-07-14 08:00:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-07-14 08:00:06 UTC

The Story

Everything was fuzzy… Maybe it was the party. That shit was crazy. Twilight even got lit, granted she jumped off the balcony and went through a neighbor's roof. What a night… He woke up with a groan. He could still taste the alcohol and weed on his breath. These reflective walls weren’t helping either. “Wait…” he shot up faster than his hungover brain could handle.

This was not his room. He remembered sleeping on a shitty wooden crate at the foot of Twilight’s bed. When did he get this giant crystal eyesore. And where was his… “Oh no…” He searched frantically around his bed. He had an actual bed! Anyway, he searched and searched only to come up short. “Where the hell is it??” Just then Twilight came prancing in.

“Good morning Spike.”

“Hey.” he said with haste.

“What are you looking for?”

“My bong! I always put it under my pillow!” he whined.

“Well, we have our Friendship presentation at town hall in about an hour and I need you to gather the projector and the slides.”
He continued to search, moving from his bed to other places in the unfamiliar room.
“Spike, we have to get ready…” Twilight grew impatient.

“Just give me a fucking minute alright! I think I'm losing my mind...”

“I'm sure you'll find it,” she said with a cheesy grin. Spike gave her a blank stare before slapping his face.

“Oh my god… Look let's just get this stupid thing over with. I'm already hungover and now I can't find my goddamn bong. Spent a fortune on that thing.” he stormed out of his room with Twilight right behind him.

He sat next to some pony who looked like some retard took Twilight and painted her yellow. All in all the town looked the same but everything felt wrong. Applejack was still irrelevant so that was ruled out, Twilight was surprisingly sane, and Rarity wasn't waltzing in here with her fat ass trying to get attention. “Next slide.”

Spike sighed and changed the slide to one of him at the beach. “What the fuck? When the fuck?” The pony and the rest of the congregation laughed at the slide while Twilight frantically motioned for him to change it. “Oh you all think that's funny? He removed the Slide and stuck his middle finger in front of the light coming from the projector. “A physical ‘fuck’ to all of you crayola cunts!” The pony changed the slide with a giggle. Spike shot her a death glare and was about to lay into her but Twilight continued talking. Spike sat down with a cross of his arms wondering just what the hell was wrong with this place.

As they walked back to the castle he wondered where on gods green Earth that marketing eyesore came from. Twilight was going on and on about somepony that tried to keep her in bondage or some shit.

“I dunno Spike… I think it was her,” Twilight sighed.

“Whatever. Your problem, not mine.” They entered the castle finding another purple unicorn with a stripe in her mane.

“Hello Twilight,” she said with an evil sneer.

“Starlight!” Twilight gasped with shock.

“Who are you?” Spike asked, not really giving an ounce of a fuck.

“How did you get in here?” Twilight growled.

“I let myself in.”

“That's what you get for not locking doors, dumbass,” Spike groaned.

“You took everything away from me. It’s only fair that I return the favor.” she pulled out a piece of parchment and shot a beam at it. Suddenly loud ticking could be heard as she rose into an opening half sphere. And just like that she was gone. Spike waved his hand in front of his face to see if he was sober or not. The jury was still out on that one.

“What did she do?” Twilight asked as she ran to the dropped spell. “This is Starswirl’s time spell. But he never finished it. How was she able to complete it??” Twilight said in a panic.

“I don't know, and I don't care…” Spike was about to walk off when Twilight grabbed him and focused her magic on the spell. “Let me go you lavender psychopath!” Soon they too began to get sucked into the time vortex. “Oh nooooooaahh!” Spike screamed as they disappeared.

The portal dropped them on the table that was back in the castle. Spike fell face first on the ground with Twilight landing on him. “You can stand to lose a few hundred you fat fuck!” he seethed muffled by the dirt.

“Where are we?” Twilight asked.

“I would tell you, but your assis crushing my lungs!” Twilight got off him and turned her attention to the spell. Spike gasped for air with a few rasping coughs.

“It looks like Ponyville, but this isn't right… Get up Spike. We need to find out what's going on here.” Twilight trotted off.

“Sure, not like I want to lay here face down like your mom on weekends…” Spike dusted himself off and followed behind Twilight. It didn't look any different. Albeit dull and dingy and the south side of Canterlot-y…

“Where is everypony?”

“Probably getting laid,” He looked directly at Twilight’s rear with a lecherous grin.

“No something else is going on here. I know!” She stopped. Spike ran into her back leg.

“Warn a dragon before you have an epiphany,” he grumbled. He followed her to Sweet Apple Acres, or Sour Industrial Mile. “What happened here…?” Twilight lamented.

“I love how you keep asking that like you're gonna get an answer,” Spike griped yet again.

Twilight walked forward slowly, horrified by what she saw. She walked up to a window, wiped the glass clean, and peered inside. “You're trespassing on a redneck’s property and you're staring into their window? You don't value your life, or your virginity…”

“Shh, look!” On the inside Applejack and Big Mac worked with heavy machinery to churn out cans upon cans of Applesauce.

“So what? Applejack has no purpose. We know this already!” Spike complained. She whipped her head around and saw Twilight with Spike in the window.

“What in tarnation?” She stepped outside to get rid of the waste and to talk to the intruders.

“Applejack! I knew you’d still be here!” Twilight hugged her.

“She doesn't do anything other than apples” Spike sighed.

“Uh… do I know you?”Applejack asked dryly.

“It's me… Twilight, a-and Spike.” Spike gave her the finger.

“Haven't seen y’all a day in my life. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta get back to work.”

“Wait! Can you tell us what happened here?”

“Did ya hit yer head or something?”

“Several times as a child actually,” Spike chuckled.

“I know this may sound strange, but I don't think we’re from this world.” Applejack looked her up and down with a raised brow. Soon she started explaining to both of them how there was this terrible war that they were in, only both sides were pathetically slap fighting. Honestly, Spike needed a blunt or something to drink. Maybe Applejack was carrying.

“I hope that y’all are right, and that you can fix this mess…” Applejack was just about to leave the pair but Spike stopped her with a tug of her tail. “What do ya need little fella?”

“Little? You couldn't take what I'm packing,” Spike scoffed. “I was wondering if you had some grass?”

“Well, there’s grass right here if you need some?”

“I mean that grass…” Spike began to motion like he was putting a blunt in his mouth but Applejack saw another thing. Twilight looked around for Spike who came conveniently sliding towards her with a bloody nose and a blackened eye.

“Spike, stop messing around. We have to get to the bottom of this!” She focused her magic on the spell and the both of them were pulled into the time vortex yet again.

He had no idea how, but they ended up in Cloudsdale. He hated coming here. The Pegasi shat like birds, it was colder than penguin tits, and the air was so thin he could get high off the lack of oxygen, which didn't sound like a bad idea.

“We're in Cloudsdale?” Twilight looked around confused.

“And observation of the year goes to…” Spike sighed. Then that same purple unicorn appeared.

“Hello Twilight…”

“And here we go with this bitch!”

“Starlight! What did you do!” Twilight hissed.

“It's like your stupid seminar said. This was the day you and your friends all got your cutie marks.”

“The time spell!” Twilight looked to Spike’s backpack.

“I mean you said it was Starswirl’s ‘time’ spell Twilight.” Spike reminded her.

“So, I figured by stopping little adorable Rainbow from doing her first Rainboom I could erase the day you ruined my life, and take away what you hold most dear in one fell swoop.”

“You are insane, and I love it!” Slike cheered.

“And don't think about going back before me because you'll always end up back here!”

Twilight used the spell in a vain attempt to call Starlight on her bluff. She alone went into the vortex only to reappear seconds later, falling on her butt. She did it once more just to make sure.

“She did hear me say that wouldn't work,right?”

“Twilight’s a scholarly genius. When it comes to life, well-” she came back again, this time falling flat on her face. “-yeah…”

“Like I said! You'll always come back here.” Then filly Rainbow Dash came racing by. Starlight moved a cloud in her way stopping her from breaking the sound barrier and saving everyone within ten miles from permanent hearing loss. The vortex opened again, this time pulling in Twilight and Spike.

This time they were dropped in the middle of what looked to be moonshine country. Spike felt a little bit better about this one. At least he landed upright, albeit on on his feet, but upright.

“That could have been worse…” Spike sighed.

“We need to fix this, now! I don't want to go back to that future…”

Just as she said that, they were surrounded by literal mud ponies holding them at spearpoint. Spike tried to play it cool until his eyes met with a familiar yellow pink mare.

“Oh, shit! he exclaimed, hiding behind Twilight. Murmurs went through the group about them possibly being changelings, until Fluttershy held her spear high, screaming, “All servants of queen Chrysalis in these woods must be destroyed!”

“Look, I know you’re still mad about the shed. I swear, I didn’t go in!” Spike cowered.

“Wait, I’m not a changeling! I’m a pony, and he’s a dragon!” Twilight tried to plead with the group of savages.

“A likely story!” Pinkie poked spike with her spear. “Do something dragonish!” Spike shot a jet of fire directly in her face, burning away her mane.

“Ooh, do I smell mareboros?”

“Yeah… I usually don’t smoke anything but weed, but I always have a spare.” he pulled out the cigarettes. “Here…”

Pinkie eyed her surroundings suspiciously and took the offer in her teeth with a smile.

Just then someone shouted, “Stop!”, from the trees. From the trees appeared a zebra. “If they are changelings, we’ll soon see,” she leapt in front of them “Though they are not what they appear to be.”

“Hehe… bars,” Spike chuckled. Suddenly they were covered from head to toe in this mud that smelled like shit and cupcakes.

“Eugh, get this shit off! I feel like I crawled out of Braeburn!”

Suddenly they started to glow and the group ran in fear, all except for the Zebra. After some more of her bomb ass rhyming-Spike was inches away from asking for a mixtape- she came to realize that they were traveling through time, and that the timeline that they were in wasn’t supposed to exist and, blah blah blah…

The more time they spend in the middle of whatever discount ass bayou this was, the more mosquito bites sprang up across Spike’s body. He spotted a stallion wearing a loincloth wondering why in the hell was he wearing that? Ponies always let their junk flap in the wind. Suddenly he was met with Zecora, who looked down on him with curiosity.

“Whoa!” Spike cried.

“You, little one, are out of place as well, yes? I believe, from another strange world, you fell,” She said as she studied him.

“Look, you can spit pretty well, but the rhyming shit is getting kind of old…”

He grabbed his cheeks, and stared directly into his eyes with a gasp

“What? Did my glass eye come loose again??”

“My, my, my, I didn’t know you inhaled the fumes of sweet weed, come with me and we can enjoy the herb with greed!”

“You’re not fucking with me, are you?” Spike growled.

“I have no intention of playing with your heart,now come so we can start.”

Just then Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow came charging into the woods soaking wet and scared.

“Help!” they cried. “The changelings attacked our village!” Twilight was just about to run to them when Zecora stopped her.

“I know my eyes do not deceive. The only changeling I see, are the ones before me!”

“What??” Twilight gasped.

“Oh wow, oh no…” Spike said with bemusement. “Can I get my weed now?”

“I’ve finally found you, Zecora.”

“Or just ignore me… that works toooaaahh!!” Spike squealed as Applejack transformed into this tall, ugly firefly looking bitch. Without warning, her nasty insectoid minions descended on the village, fighting all around them with the ponies. O tine landed in front of Spike, hissing and snarling.

“Stay the fuck back, bitch! I’ve got a can of-” he rummaged through his bag “-lube? What the fuck- oooohh… oh yeah...” He threw the bottle at the changeling. The creature bit it, instantly spitting and sputtering at the horrid taste. “Haha!” Spike cheered triumphantly before Twilight scooped him up.

“Let’s get out of here!” She focused on the spell again, sucking them back into the time vortex.

This time they didn’t return to cloudsdale, but they landed in the middle of the everfree. “Well, that fucking happened,” Spike groaned as he got to his feet.

“What, the messed up futures, or the fact that we keep falling, because both seem to be happening a lot,” Twilight frustratingly hissed. The forest air filled with the scent of characters that hasbro discarded after one appearance, Applejack’s parents, and dead wood. “Timberwolves!” Twilight cried.

“Sh-sh-sh-sh-shut the fuck up, you dumb bitch! Do you want them to eat us??”
They were surrounded by snarls and growls, and red piercing eyes appeared from the trees. Spike mounted Twilight, kicking imaginary spurs into her side. “Giddyup, dumbass. I don’t feel like being eaten out- I mean eat!” Twilight gave him a simple, “da fuq?” look. “Just go…” Spike seethed. They darted off in the direction of the castle rising high into the inky purple sky.

After running like hell, they stumbled upon a castle. It was then Sike saw Rarity working on some tapestries that has Nightmare moon on them, but he wasn’t looking at that. This timeline’s Rarity was a bombshell! Hair done up in a bow, thicc in all the right places, and her clothes emitted a ‘dominatrix’ kind of vibe.

He hopped off Twilight and slid over to the ivory mare. “Aye gurl, you lookin’-” he let loose a wolf whistle “-fiiine! How about you come with me and I’ll show you how big a greedy dragon can get…”

Rarity wrinkled her nose in obvious disgust. “As if I would ever with the likes of you, you hideous cretin! And, big? I’m certain there are baby carrots with more girth than you.” She turned and trotted away with her snout held high in snobby offense.

“Oh? We’ll fuck you too then you stuck up bitch! I bet your walls dried up years ago!”

“Rarity!” Twilight lunged after her.

“Miss, I suggest you take your perverted little salamander, and leave immediately.”

“Rarity wait, I-”

“Guards!” In an instant they were surrounded by batponies brandishing swords.

“Who are you, and what business do you have here!” A familiar voice spat. Rainbow took off her helmet revealing a mohawk.

“Damn, Rainbow,” Spike laughed. “I guess we all know what team you play for now.” She took him by his neck and stared him directly in his eyes.

“Wait, don’t hurt him! We’re not from your time!”

“Time travel?” a cold benevolent voice spoke over them. “Now that’s something I’d like to see!” She cackled, her breathing sounding sickly, and each sharp hack appearing gastly. Rainbow dropped Spike and bowed in respect to her leader.

Nightmare moon descended upon the two, her eyes glued on Twilight. “If anyone harnesses a power that I do not yet posses, then they will be sentenced to the dungeon,” she spoke coldly. “Show me where it is!”

“No…” Twilight spoke firmly.

“Twilight, tell her before she butt fucks us with that horn!” Spike whispered loudly. Her gaze dropped on him. Spike noticed and tried his best to scamper away, but she had him ensnared in her magic.

“Hey, hey! Look, if you let me down, I can get you any movies, games, or music you want. I know this guy who is an expert with bootlegs and, aaah!” he cried, feeling tight chains wrap around him.

“Show me how to manipulate time, or we get to see your friend’s entrails spray from both ends!” She tightened the chains even tighter, turning Spike on slightly.

“Fine, I’ll show you, but you have to get rid of the Timberwolves.”

“Timberwolves? HA! There isn’t a creature on my Earth that can best me. You had better not be lying…” she said with a growl as cold as space. Twilight led her back to the map, but Spike was barely cognizant. The chains were so tight he was starting to blackout and lose some of his vision, or like that one time he took LSD from Pinkie. Suddenly he could breathe again and they were sucked back into the portal.

So, I’m gonna level with you. I didn’t feel like showing you all the play by play of the timelines that we briefly saw during Twilight and Starlight’s time fight, so she’s about to knock Rainbow off course again, and Twilight pulls her into the time anus, okay? Okay. Here we go!

The landscape was an absolute wasteland. Starlight stood pondering what could have caused this. Spike on the other hand, was going over what the fuck just happened. Those last few scenes went by unnaturally fast. Whatever, he didn’t care. He just wanted whatever kind of episode this was to be over with. Then, once again, Twilight shanghaied him through time.

“Here we are, my past.” The village looked happy, too happy, like, rat poison in fruit punch crazy. She led them to a window where the kid version of her was playing with a little colt that appeared to have vitiligo. Suddenly, the kid started to levitate books and blocks as if he were possessed. Right then and there his cutie mark appeared and he dashed outside, leaving the young Starlight alone.

“So there you have it… cutie marks took my only friend away from me…”

“Wait…” Spike sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Give me a minute to process this…” He rubbed his hands together, then cleared his throat. “You mean to tell me... that you put me through that hell… because your boyfriend got his cutie mark and moved away?”

“No! He got his cutie mark. It took him away from me!”

“Bitch, how fucking mental are you?? The cutie mark didn’t take shit but your goddamn sanity!!” he paced around fuming. “I mean, no being beaten mercilessly by someone with the ass tattoos, but because your stupid ass couldn’t let go of your jealousy, you decided to fuck the time space continuum right up the ass, with no vaseline mind you, just because of that!?”

He took a deep breath. “You know what? Fuck it... I’m done. The writers obviously were high or didn’t give a fuck. I’m out. This episode is over… mlp sucks now…”

Author's Note

Well, that happened... I hope you all liked this. I finally got up enough confidence to realease it officially. All feedback is welcomed, positive, negative, the autistic comments, the go fucking die comments, all of that