Wild Card

Chapters

Ace in the Hole
Trick up my Sleeve
Inspired Tactics
Stacking the Deck
Parlour Tricks
Chase the Ace
Fool's Gambit
Visions of the Future: Side Bets
In Good Company
The Show Must Go On
Ace Detective
Silver Tongued Trickster
If The Mask Fits
Tricks, Trips and Tough Luck
Alternate Pasts and Multiple Presents
The School of Hard Knocks
Bovian Rhapsody Part Two - Mind Games
A Well Dressed Minotaur
Conspiring Lies
Robbing Hood
A Heart Of Gold
Of Gold and Gargle Blasters
Selling Dreams
Royal Flush
Tense Travels
Eye of the Storm
Texas Stranger
The Great Pirate Punch-up
Any Port in a Storm
Intermission: A Hearth Warmed Heart
Probable Parables
Should Have Stayed in Bed
A Bit Too Much Restraint
Drop Dead Amazing
It's All In The Cards
Determination and Deception
The Old Guard
Public Speaking and The Dangers Involved
Window Shopping for Swindlers
A Plan of Questionable Practicality
Relatively Merciful
Bad Cliffhangers
Unchained
Without a Paddle
It's All In Your Head
Heart of the Storm
Thicker than Water
Dead in the Water
Innocence Lost
A Date with Destiny
The Not-Quite Goodbye
Shuffled Away
Q&A
Chance Meeting
Fortune Favours the Brave
Steel Mane and Stripes: Mystery Detectives
Bar Room Blitz
Bovian Rhapsody Part One - A Game of Chance
Service with a Smile
Fighting Like Gentlemen
The Adventure Continues

Ace in the Hole

I am increasing the rate of chapter updates. They should now be out every Wednesday and Saturday, barring horrible catastrophe.

Once again, thanks to the brilliant PieisGood4U for editing.

Have Fun

I couldn’t help but feel guilty as the dogs marched us along the plains to their cave. The blue coated mare beside me looked completely dejected and it was, to a reasonable standard, my fault. Evidently her escape from the grasp of the slaver dogs had been halted by my sudden appearance and our subsequent collision. Considering that my patron goddess was the Lady of Luck that was a bit of misfortune.

Or should I say, Miss Fortune?

See what I did there?

Yeah anyway, I came to the conclusion that when something wildly coincidental happens, something that goes against all expectations and probabilities, it was probably due to the interference of my goddess. Luck is a double-edged sword as it comes in two distinct flavours; good and bad. I only hope I get treated to more of the former and less of the latter.

The dogs had initially set us off at a running pace however that hadn’t worked too well as my stumbling stride was unable to keep up. They had been forced to escort us along the plain at a brisk walking pace, which I was glad of for two reasons. It allowed me more time to get used to my new legs and coordinate my balance. It also gave the unicorn mare beside me a chance to rest up. After her mad dash to escape the dogs she was quite exhausted. I worried if she would have even survived another high speed run.

It took most of the day for the dogs to return us to their mine, a fact that they were not very happy about as they kept on poking me with their spears. Their very sharp spears. In addition, they had confiscated my belt of tricks after they had caught us, thus preventing me from using any of my tricks on them. Not that any of them would have worked, there isn't much shiny powder and cards can do to stop a spear thrust. As we approached the cave entrance I noticed that the dogs had far more than mere spears at their disposal when it came to defending their territory. On either side of the entrance were ballistae, huge crossbows capable of firing giant bolts at a target. Evidently the dogs had gotten a bit more creative than just huge bolts though, the ballista were also equipped with a large sheaf of ordinary crossbow bolts, bound together with what looked like twine. Their purpose was immediate. It was essentially a huge single-shot shotgun. The ballista would fire the bundle of bolts forward, breaking the twine that held them together. The bolts would then fly out in a giant arc, eviscerating whatever stood in front of them. Truly a deadly anti-infantry weapon. I’m not ashamed to admit that I was more than a little scared as I passed between those great bows. Wild Card I may be but I would need a whole hell of a lot of luck to survive being shot at by those monstrous weapons.

The inside of the cave was dimly lit, the dogs must be much better at seeing in the dark than I was as I could barely make out anything in front of me. The only thing I could make out was the unicorn mare beside me and the shuffling shapes of the guard dogs.

Heh. Guard dogs. Funny.

We were escorted into a large, hall-like chamber. Unlike all the other chambers I had seen so far this one actually was well lit, which only served to portray its cavernous expanse. Pillars held up a ceiling that was barely visible, even with the light of the flickering torches to illuminate the room. Guard Dogs, in better armour than the ones who had brought us here, were evidently some sort of honour guard for the lord of this place. They lined the walls, anywhere there wasn’t a torch, there was a guard. The hall led up to a raised dais on which sat a huge throne carved entirely out of marble. Upon the throne sat a huge figure, an enormous mound of flesh and muscle that vaguely took the shape of a Diamond Dog if you squinted and turned your head a bit. So this was their lord? He really was the big dog around here, literally. Even seated he towered over every other dog in the hall, he must have been around seven feet tall if he stood up fully. His muscles bunched grotesquely underneath his pale, translucent hair. The most striking thing about him though was not his enormous size but rather his eyes. They were deeply set inside his face and moved around with a manic energy. Their intense gaze would immediate land on any of the shadows created by the flickering torches.

“Bow before his Majesty! Lord High Alpha Redtooth!”

The butts of spears were slammed into our legs as we were forced to prostrate ourselves before the alpha. His eyes, with their extreme energy, locked on to us as our fates were declared by our guard.

“The mare slave is recently recaptured after an escape attempt whilst this mutated minotaur” he spat those words with disgust “was captured as he tried to assist her escape”

So not true! I impeded her escape…oh wait, that’s not much better. Carry on my good gentle dog.

The big dog was regarding us with his beady eyes. He considered us carefully before questioning his guard.

“Are they working with the shadows? They whisper to me you know, whisper such sweet honeyed words”

“um…no sir, I believe they are just regular prisoners. What would you have us do with them?”

It was becoming increasingly clear that there was something wrong with Lord Redtooth. He didn’t exactly look like the healthiest dog in the house, despite his massive bulk. Not to mention all that business with talking shadows.

It was at this point that one of the torches nearest to us flickered and went dim, sending shadows scurrying across the floor and towards Redtooth’s throne. The shadow managed to just touch the edge of the floor before he leapt backwards in fright, a whine escaping his throat as he jumped on his throne like a startled child, staring down at the shadow fearfully. One of the dogs that flanked his throne came forward with a large chalice, which he handed to Lord Redtooth. The huge dog greedily gulped down the liquid as if his life depended on it. Once he was finished with his drink he threw the chalice upon the ground and returned to his regular seating position, one of the guards hastily driving the shadows away from him with a torch. His eyes were no longer fearful or paranoid, but instead gazed at us with a burning anger.

“It is clear to me from your attempts to corrupt my person with your foul, malignant influence that you cannot be trusted with normal slave work. To the Hole with them!”

The mare beside me gasped in fear whilst I just looked confused. What was the Hole? Why was it so terrible as to deserve a capital letter? The dogs around us just grinned at the proclamation of our fate, some of them even drooled a bit. Whatever the Hole was it was very bad for us but very good for the dogs.

We were once again marched through dimly lit corridors into another cave, this one smaller than the throne room, less decorated and far less lit. a couple of torches were all that spluttered on the wall of the cave, feebly trying to beat back the darkness. The chamber was taken up mainly by an enormous pen made of twisted scrap metal. Inside the cage figures moved about in the blackness and I could see the forms of guard dogs patrolling the edges. Some kind of large prison.
The guards were swift in their movement to open the gate to the twisted cage. We were rudely thrown inside to land face first in the dirt as the gate was hastily slammed shut behind us.

As I pulled my face out of the mud and the mysterious unicorn mare struggled to her feet the shapes around us began to move, the other prisoners approaching the fresh meat. Oh god! I’m too pretty to be in prison! I’m gonna get raped!
Imagine my embarrassment when, instead of the leering face of Uncle Bad-Touch, the kindly face of an aged zebra appeared from the shadows. His face was deeply set by the wrinkles and his eyes held a deep sadness. His white mane hung down his face in wisps, barely holding on the their roots.

“Are you okay, young ones?” his voice was comforting and deep, despite having a rasp to it that spoke volumes about his health.

The unicorn had managed to gain stability on her hooves by this point and greeted the old zebra.

“Yes, I’m fine. Just a little shook up, may I ask your name?”

“I am Zende, and you are?”

“Summer Storm”

“and who is your unusual friend?”

“He’s no friend of mine” Hey! That’s rude, I’m standing right here “If anything he’s the reason I’m in this place”

“Okay that I really must protest. First off, my name is Ace. Secondly, You ran into me” I figured I may have sounded a bit whiny here but there was no way I was taking all the blame for this.

“Only because you decided to get in my way. I mean, how dumb are you? Couldn’t you see that I was running away?”

“I didn’t see you at all! One minute I’m walking out of a forest the next minute BAM! I’m covered in unicorn mare. And not even in the good way.”

Our argument had managed to attract the attention of the prisoners around us as well as, worryingly, some of the closer guard dogs.

“Hush! Stay quiet! Don’t let them notice you” warned Zende “don’t you know where you are? This is the Hole!”

“Yeah, so?” I was still confused about why this place was so scary.

“You don’t know? The Hole is where prisoners are kept who will be fighting in the sand ring. The guards will randomly select one of us to fight the champion. A huge, constantly enraged minotaur who can rip apart anything that stands in his way. It’s said that he even scares Lord Redtooth, who fears no living thing, just the shadows”

Well that’s worrying. If there is even a chance that I will be fighting something that puts the scare into that monstrous dog then I want nothing to do with it. I shouldn’t be so worried though, judging by the amount of fighting slaves inside the Hole the chance that I would be fighting anytime soon must be like a thousand to one.

I mean I would have to have bad luck of epic proportions to be picked on my first day.

It was then that I noticed all the prisoners had gone quiet and backed away from me. Even Zende and Summer. I turned around to see the armed contingent of guard dogs coming straight at me.

Oh, Bollocks. Sometimes I hate my luck.

Author's note:
To any who are curious about the name of this chapter. Yes, I deliberately went out of my way to name the cage the Hole so I could make this chapter's title a pun.

I just couldn't help myself. Please forgive me.

Trick up my Sleeve

Hey, I'm back from my dig...I dug up a dead dog...I found its skull.

Anyways, as always edited by PieisGood4U as well as my two new awesome editors Blazinblade7 and dialgex

Thanks guys, you rock

Enjoy the read!

A sharp, intense pain wracked my body, forcing me from my blissful rest with a strangled yelp.

“Argh! What the hell?”

My eyes flew open to behold the Zende standing next to me, curiously poking at my right leg with a worried expression on his face. Noticing that he had managed to wake me he smiled down at me.

“Ah, you are awake. This is good; I was worried that we might lose you”

“Yes I’m bloody well awake and you are the worst alarm clock ever! Why are you jabbing at me with those bloody hard hooves?”

“I was assessing the damage to your limb. Prior to my incarceration here I was something of a travelling healer, visiting towns and curing ills. I believe the damage to your leg could be easily fixed with some of my potions.”

“That’s great!” If this old zebra knew his stuff then I might be back on my feet, I mean hooves, quicker than I had hoped. Using Zende as a prop I managed to get up, waving my arms slightly to achieve balance with my currently uneven weight. “Where are they?”

“Unfortunately, they were confiscated by the dogs when I was captured”

“Of course they were” I heaved a sigh “Hey, is Summer around here?”

“Right behind you, idiot”

I whirled round, nearly falling over in the process. It was true, she had been standing behind me the entire time.

“All right then. Summer, exactly how strong is your magic?”

She blushed as if I had asked her bra size or something. Hell, for all I know I may very well have done the unicorn equivalent. Oh well, social stigma be damned.

“I mean, is it strong enough to take out all the guards?” I clarified

She seemed far more confident with this question, probably because it involved tactics rather than her personally.

“I reckon I could get them all if they bunched up, but it’s a moot point. This damn lock around my head blocks any magic build-up. If I try to gather any energy then the ring will block it and cause me to zap myself”

“I think I might be able to do something about that, but we will need to go where guards cannot see us first”

“I know a place” Zende spoke up

He indicated one corner of the cage where the light couldn’t fully reach. The darkened corner would be perfect for hiding our activities from the guards. Zende went first, followed by Summer a couple of minutes later. I waited a bit longer before dragging my crippled ass into the darkness.

In the shadows we could barely make out each other’s faces but I could still get a vague idea of where everything was. Reaching around my back, I grabbed hold of my long braid and flipped it over my shoulder before I began to burrow around in its coppery depths. It wasn’t long until I found what I was looking for, a small rolled up bundle of cloth that I carefully extradited from my braid. Unrolling it on the floor, I began to pick out objects by feel alone before bringing them before my eyes for inspection. I breathed a sigh of relief. None of the lockpicks had been damaged by the events of the last day. Good, our escape pretty much relied entirely upon these small tools.

You might be asking yourself why I have lockpicks hidden inside my hair. Well, a magician never reveals his secret. Especially the secret to how he once escaped a tiny iron box that was submerged in a river.

That wasn’t even part of my act. I’d just annoyed a casino owner who just so happened to be a mobster as well.

Finding Summer’s face in the darkness, I worked my hand upwards until I found her horn and the ring locked upon it. Trying to ignore her stammering protests at such intimate closeness to her horn, I leaned forward and got to work.

Picking a lock that you’ve never seen before whilst in complete darkness whilst a nervous unicorn trembles underneath your hands isn’t the easiest thing in the world and was definitely going to take a while, so whilst I worked I struck up a conversation with Zende.

“Hey, Zende, you’ve been here a while right?”

“That is correct; they kept me around to assist in the healing of injured pit fighters…which would be much more effective if they allowed me the tools of my trade.”

“Right, so what’s the deal with Lord High Fleabag? I mean, he doesn’t exactly look like the healthiest doggie in the window”

“Yes, you noticed that too eh?”

“Pretty damn hard to miss when he has a fit whenever a shadow comes near him”

“Indeed, I theorize that it is the drink he consumes with such endless thirst. I have overheard the guard dogs voicing their concerns to each other. They say that the drink is water found from a spring deep within the cave. A spring that runs black as purest night. Redtooth was just a normal dog when he first struck upon the water. After consuming it he felt stronger and fiercer. Only a few weeks later he was as you see him now, a giant among dogs. He challenged the old Alpha and defeated him in single combat, ripping the old dog to bits. The mine under his leadership became a far different place, his bottomless greed forcing the dogs to dig further and further down. It was then that they began to attack caravan routes and capture travels under Redtooth’s orders. They have been growing steadily more and more daring, even going so far as to attack smaller towns in Equestria.”

So, it was that weird drink that gave Redtooth the crazies? Better not take a swig of that stuff then, probably terrible for my liver.

“So the dogs weren’t always like this?”

“Oh, it’s true that Diamond Dogs have always been a very…aggressive race. Very rough around the edges, but those situated close to the Equestrian borders tend to be more civilized, even going so far as to trade with ponies.”

I was silent for a while, contemplating this knowledge. The Diamond Dogs in the show hadn’t been very nice but they had still had some semblance of civility, otherwise Rarity’s whining wouldn’t have worked on them. It’s pretty hard to guilt trip something that honestly doesn’t care about you. We continued this silence for a while, me working on the lock whilst Zende observed my nimble fingers and Summer tried to stay still.

It was Summer who broke the silence this time meaning that she loses the Quiet Game. Fluttershy would be disappointed.

“You realise you weren’t brought in alone right?”

“I wasn’t?”

“Nope” she waved a hoof to another part of the cage where a slumbering form slept, the occasional rise and fall of that giant barrel chest the only indication that it wasn’t an out of place boulder.

“Is that Iron Will?”

“You mean the champion? Yeah, apparently the dog’s figured he wasn’t worth the special lock-up after your skinny flank managed to beat him. How’d you do that by the way? No offence, but you don’t exactly look like a combat specialist.”

“I got lucky” this response just received a snort of disbelief from her.

“Well, things should get interesting when he wakes up” Summer stated

“What do you mean?”

“Well I mean it should get interesting when he begins to rip us all to bits in an apocalyptic rage. Interesting is a rather subjective term in such a situation”

“Hmm, I’m not so sure. Zende, would you be able to check him out? Look for any signs of a forced medication, an injection or something.”

The old zebra looked hesitant at first but was reassured by my confident tone. With a nod, he left the shadows to inspect the slumbering mound. I continued to work on the lock, twisting my pick and testing the lock’s tumblers for the right angle. The lock was surprisingly complicated for such a little thing and my frustration was growing with each failed attempt. I began to jab at the lock harder, trying to force it open. The pick in my hand slipped out of the lock accidentally, sliding down the Summer’s horn and eliciting a gasp from the mare.

“Idiot! Don’t you know how sensitive horns are!?”

“…no?”

She sighed in pent up frustration, apparently sick of my naivety. Was it my imagination or was she blushing? I couldn’t make it out properly in the darkness. Just how sensitive was a unicorn’s horn? Oh goddess, all those fanfics couldn’t actually be right about horns being sexual could they? How intimate was I being with Summer here? Was I going to have to petition her father for her hoof in marriage? I hope not. I mean she seems like a nice enough mare, although she comes off a little strong, but I really don’t think it would work between us. I mean, she’s a magical unicorn and I’m a dimensionally displaced luck-infused satyr. Think of the children.

I swiftly banished these thoughts from my mind and returned the pick to its correct place. I could just feel the lock beginning to give, ready to yield under my assault and yield to beg for mercy…metaphorically speaking, when Zende returned.

“You were correct Ace, marks on his back appear as if he had been injected with something”

“Any idea what?”

“If I had to take a stab in the dark I’d say they gave him some magic pixie dust that sent him to the land of sunshine and smiles.”

“…Really?”

“Of course not! Obviously they gave him some rage inducing serum to make him into the monster we saw in that ring. What do you think?"

“Honestly, I thought this was the land of sunshine and smiles but my misconceptions are becoming more apparent by the hour”

“…did you even just listen to what I had just said?”

“Yeah of course I did. I just didn’t care. Better question, when do you think it will wear off?”

Zende heaved a sigh, mirroring Summer’s sigh from earlier. Damn, it looks like everyone’s getting a bit exasperated with me. You know what this calls for?

A party!

I quickly glanced around in case a pink party pony had appeared to bring smiles to the faces of all the prisoners with the help of her party cannon. No such luck. I guess even Pinkie Pie has her limitations. It was then that I realised that Zende had been droning on about some medical jargon, I tuned in just in time to catch the gist of his lecture.

“…due to his massive size and thus, the size of the heart needed to push blood around his body, I’d say he’d be able to reject whatever chemical they gave him within a couple of hours of its introduction to his body”

“Sweet, so how long ago were we brought in here? Assuming, of course, that they injected him just prior to our fight”

“Judging by the guard rotations, as well as the growth of fungus on this rock that I found” he proudly displayed a small, green-covered rock to me “you were brought in around a couple of hours ago”

Huh, that’s lucky.

One day I will stop being surprised by these probability defying coincidences and just accept the fact that my goddess likes to cheat.

With a click, the lock finally surrended to me and fell off of Summer’s horn. She practically squealed with joy at her liberty from the magic blocking device. I had to put out a hand to prevent her from rushing out of the cloaking shadows.

“Hold your horses there, Summer. If those guards see you without this little bit of horn bling then they’ll undoubtedly try to pimp you up again. Better stay hidden until I can get the guards together for you to blast”

She was hesitant to remain still, wanting to go and blast the guard dogs right away, but she eventually submitted to my superior logic. I twirled the magic blocking ring around my finger before concealing it, and my lock picks, back in my hair.

“Alright then, you two stay put. I’ve got to go talk to a bull about some dogs”

At some point I will stop with these 'clever' titles, but I've got about ten more I want to use so...you're going to just have to suffer through them.

Barrel-of-fun

Inspired Tactics

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex

Thanks you guys, without your help this story would look like crap.

My mood as I approached the still form of the minotaur could best be described as apprehensive. The fact that the other prisoners had given him such a wide berth, combined with the fact that this was the same creature that only a few hours previous had been chasing me round a sand ring trying to gore me, I think you could forgive me my hesitance. I only hoped this gamble paid off.

I stopped few metres from Iron Will, just to be on the safe side. Being lucky is all well and good but I like to have a back-up plan, in case I need to cut and run. Coughing politely, I addressed him.

“You can get up. I know your awake”

“…How?” His voice was a bit muffled but I realised he sounded different to how he did in the show, more aged and weary.

“I saw you twitch when Zende was poking your injections. I know that feeling, he doesn’t exactly have the tenderest medical touch. Talk about the Hypocritic Oath"

“I think you mean Hippocratic Oath”

“I know what I mean! My leg still hurts from his damn ministrations. Anyway, how you feeling?”

“Like someone decided to hold a rave inside my skull. With extra wub. What happened? And who did I hurt this time?”

“Ah, me on all counts there” I gestured down at my leg “I sorta performed an impromptu dance routine on your noggin”

“You? You beat me?…seriously, you?”

“Why does everyone find that hard to believe?! It’s almost as if no one here has any faith in my fighting abilities!”

“No offence kid, but I could probably use you as a toothpick”

Kid?! I’m no kid! Unless he means kid as in young goat…but still he can’t be that much older than me.

“Alright, whatever. So you're over the whole ‘Raggggh, rage monster crush!’ thing you had going”

He looked downcast for a moment and I felt a stab of guilt. Clearly his raging was no laughing matter. He must feel terrible about being used to hurt innocents like that, hell I certainly would.

“Sorry, that was insensitive of me. Allow me to offer an apology in the form of an intricate and cunning plan. Listen up and I shall explain…”

“I'll kill you, you damn goat!”

“Bring it on, old cow! I beat you once and I'll do it again! By the time I’m finished with you you're going to be ground beef!”

“I’ll eat your legs, little lamb!”

We continued to circle each other, each eying the other’s defences. Desperately searching for a weak point, ready to strike like a cobra when the moment the enemy let down their guard. Faintly, I could hear the baying of the guards as they watched our confrontation, eager to finally see some action after their long shift in the Hole. They crowded the edge of the cave, jostling and fighting to get the best view. They weren't the only ones eager to see what was going on. The other prisoners had formed a circle around us, almost as if it was a shoolyard fight...how immature.

“Any time now, Summer” I muttered to myself. If this taunting and circling went on any longer we’d end up looking like a Dragonball Z match. 80% smacktalk and then 20% actual fighting. I already felt ridiculous. Iron Will and I had been arguing for what felt like an age before the guards had finally noticed us.

Just as I was about to open my mouth to deliver yet another witty one-liner I was interrupted by a crackling bolt of blue lightning leaping across the cave, illuminating every shadow and imprinting itself onto the retinas of everyone who saw it. In the split second of illumination granted to that dark pit I noticed details about the other prisoners; a pair of emerald eyes there, a bright blue mane here, a pale yellow coat over there. I barely had time to absorb these details before the electric bolt struck the guard dog at the front of the audience in the chest, making his limbs spasm and his fur stand on edge. It then leapt to the next guard and repeated its work. This process continued for every dog there, as the chain lightning made short work of the tightly packed guards.

The one-liner I had been preparing managed to escape my throat as a surprised “Huh”

Summer walked over from her position in the shadows, a small strut in her gait. I couldn’t really blame her for looking proud of herself, that was some bloody impressive magic. I felt a bit jealous really, all I got was this damn probability defying luck whilst she can shoot lightning bolts at people. So not fair.

“You're not the only one who knows a couple of tricks, goat boy, now use those picks of yours to open this damn cage”

I merely nodded, half impressed and half terrified of her, noting that the stallions in the cage were staring at her in a combination of fear and lust. I suppose that if you live in a matriachal society then strong women are a real turn on. As I withdrew my tools and knelt down to work on the lock one thought kept leaping through my mind.

Don’t piss off Summer Storm. Don’t piss off Summer Storm. Don’t piss off Summer Storm.

I had just inserted the picks into the lock and was about to begin feeling the correct angle out of it when I felt a weight clamp down on my shoulder. It was the giant hand of Iron Will.

“Allow me” he gently moved me out of the way

“You know how to pick locks, big guy?” I was feeling a bit snarky from my jealousy at Summer.

“In a way” he responded simply

His hooves slammed into the dirt floor as he widened his stance and lowered his knees. Meaty fingers wrapped around the holes in the metal gate and shoulder muscles bunched in preparation. With a groan he began to strain against the door, pulling it upwards against the hinges. The metal squealed in futile protest at this treatment. A roar escaped from Iron Will and a shriek came from the metal as he ripped the door completely of its hinges. Another thought flashed into my mind, as if by godly intervention.

Or Iron Will. Or Iron Will. Or Iron Will.

Iron Will wasn’t finished yet though. Holding the gate from either end, he bent it round until it was in a cylindrical shape, then crushed the top in one hand to form a makeshift prison which he slammed over the unconscious guard dogs.

“There, that should hold them whilst we make good our escape”

I felt like pointing out that his showing off was probably unnecessary, those dogs were out cold and I had no intention of sticking around long enough for them to wake up. Unfortunately, my snarkiness was pre-emotively interrupted by Zende.

“One small flaw with your plan, mighty leader” was Zende getting sarcastic?…he was! That geezer was getting sarcastic with me! “These stallions won’t leave without their mares, who are trapped working in the mines” This statement was followed by nods of agreement from the released stallions.

“Fine then, we free them, no biggie”

“One additional problem”

“Oh, what is it now!?”

“As an additional insurance against any…revolutionary activity Redtooth separated all the foals from their parents. He keeps them in a cage behind his throne and, should any try to attack him, he would slaughter them”

I was completely silent for a moment as I absorbed this information. When I finally spoke, only one statement escaped me.

“THAT BASTARD!”

“Quiet, you idiot, they’ll hear you!” Summer warned

“THAT UTTER BASTARD! I’ll kill him! I’ll rip him to pieces! How dare he! Foals! Innocent foals! And he…I’ll bloody kill him!”

If I had known that foals had been involved I would have enacted this escape sooner, wouldn’t have wasted time joking about. Children were in danger, and they needed my help. I had to be there for them, someone had to be there for them…because no one was there for me.

Mind working overtime at the thought of foals in danger I began to order around the mob of stallions.

“Zende! How close is the medicine you need to fix my leg?”

“The vault is located on the way to the throne room”

“Excellent! We need to get there, and fast. Iron, I want you to lead the charge, smash down any dogs who get in your way. Hell, smash down dogs that aren’t in your way. Just hit dogs. Earth Ponies, follow Iron Will’s lead, crush any dogs in your path. Summer, get those keys from the guards and unlock the unicorn’s rings. You’ll be leading them, I want magic smashing any dog formations that try and stop the charge, we cannot afford to lose momentum. Pegasi, I want you to swoop overhead and cause as much damage as possible. Throw rocks, smack with your hooves, piss on them for all I care. Just cause as much confusion in the enemy ranks as possible. Your number one objective though is to stop any dogs from escaping. We can’t allow Redtooth to know we’re coming for him. Any dogs try to run away, you better catch the bastards. Alright? Then let’s move out!”

They stared at me in some shock, not used to the rather silly satyr ordering them around like a general order’s his troops.

“What the hell are you all waiting for? Written permission from the princess? Those are your foals in danger. Those are your mares being forced to work to their deaths. Kill whoever is keeping you from them!”

This time a cheer went up as their minds were inflamed by righteous anger. Summer levitated the keys to the locks over and began to free the unicorn’s magic. Pegasi were freed from their wing-binders and began to flap them, working out any kinks and warming up the muscles for the battle ahead. I saw the earth ponies limbering up as well, they had a formed a spearhead formation with Iron Will at their head. The huge minotaur didn’t say anything to his troops, instead leading by example as he began to snort and pawed the floor with his hoof in preparation for the charge. Many ponies copied his stance, lowering their heads and bunching their shoulder muscles together to form a living battering ram.

As I viewed the ponies getting ready for battle, anger in their eyes and thoughts of justice and freedom leading them on I felt proud of them. Maybe I had read too many stories where the human always has to save the ponies, where the ponies appear almost helpless without the intervention of a protagonist, but this felt far more right. This would result in a far more meaningful victory for them. Given them the correct motivation and a pony’s desire to protect the herd could be turned up to overdrive. The Ponies in front of me were ready to defend themselves and those they loved, they were ready to stand for themselves.

Celestia show mercy to their enemies, for they shall not.

Stacking the Deck

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex

Thanks guys.

Howler let out a weary sigh as he once again shifted his weight, desperately trying to stave off sleep. Guard duty was one of the more boring jobs in the mine, just a lot of standing around and watching absolutely nothing happen. At least with the slave driving he got to watch the ponies cower before him, maybe even whip a couple that didn’t work fast enough.

But this? This was just dull, not to mention unnecessary. Redtooth had ordered that the entire cave be lit, every tunnel and every chamber, with guards to watch every torch. He had screamed this order just last week, spittle flying through those huge teeth, as he ranted about how the darkness was coming for him.

“Fuckin’ insane” Howler muttered, before glancing around to make sure that he hadn’t been overheard. Redtooth might be insane but he was no idiot, and he certainly wasn’t a pushover. Howler wouldn’t admit this to anyone but Redtooth scared him. Those horrible sick eyes and that grotesque muscled body. He scared every dog in the pack but none of them would ever admit it, for fear of being called runt.

Howler’s introspection on the effects of intimidation on pack loyalty were interrupted by the sound of hooves slamming against stone. That couldn’t be right, all the slaves should be working. He stared down the tunnel at where the sound originated from, straining his eyes to try and penetrate the darkness.

Wait…darkness?

There was supposed to be more torches down that way, illuminating the entire cave, but they must have gone out. Yeah, that was it. Just a simple accident. Someone will re-light them in a minute and it will all be fine. He waited, and watched, expecting the guards on duty down there to strike up a piece of flint and light the torches.

Oh Earth! Redtooth couldn’t actually be right in his ravings? The darkness! It was coming for him! It got the others and it was coming for him!

He pointed his spear, paws trembling as they gripped it tightly. In a trembling voice he addressed the dark.

“C-come out! I-I-I’m not af-fraid! S-show yourself”

For a moment there was complete silence, then Howler got his wish. Although he quickly learnt the true meaning of the phrase ‘be careful what you wish for’

A bestial roar emitted from the darkness before a huge hand emerged and grabbed the end of Howler’s spear, yanking it from his shaking hands with ease. Howler just stood there, his mind numb and knees trembling, as the darkness seemed to move towards him. The guttering light from the torch burnt away the shadowy figure, to reveal the even more terrifying minotaur that had been concealed. The minotaur glanced down at the terrified dog before casually reaching over with one meaty hand toward the torch. Howler’s eyes narrowed to pinpricks in terror as the light, which seemed to offer so much security mere minutes ago, was casually crushed between two of the beast’s fingers.

Darkness, concealing and terrifying, enveloped the two figures. Howler’s eyes, adjusted to the light, couldn’t see a thing. Which was good as he probably would have pissed himself if he saw the huge fist that collided with his face.

“All clear” Iron Will rumbled from up ahead. I stepped forward, almost stumbling over the diamond dog and wincing as my bad leg connected with him.

“Jeez, Iron, you could clean up a bit. Any self-respecting bludgeoner always places his victims to one side, it’s only polite after all”

Iron Will just grinned back at me, his teeth shining in the darkness. Seriously, how did he do that? His teeth had a shine to them like on an advertisement. Was it part of the cartoon physics or were his teeth just that damn shiny? If it was the latter then where the hell did he get tooth care down here? Did the dogs have a really good dental plan for their champion?

Okay, so it wasn’t just the teeth thing that had got me a bit annoyed. Zende had talked the herd down from the charge tactic I had planned out, stating how stealth was probably better than making a huge racket. I had reluctantly agreed but had still been pretty miffed to have my brilliant strategy cast aside. Summer had attempted to cheer me up by saying that, if something went wrong with the stealth, we always had my tactic to fall back on. I hate to say it but it worked, I automatically felt happier at the consolation.

Still, just watching Iron Will smack guard’s heads in was getting a bit boring. Sure, he tried to mix it up a bit by intimidating each one. Hell, I’d even got him to perform a suplex on one that tried to run away, which had been hilarious, but it was still getting a bit dull. I was thankful when we finally reached the vault, Iron Will simply approaching the two dogs on guard and smashing their heads together before punching the door open. Seriously, this guy was stealing all my moments of cool. I was going to have to knock it up a notch to out-awesome him.

The inside of the vault was, like everywhere else in this bloody mine, practically boiling with the amount of torches that had been stuffed into it. Every available wall space had a torch mounted on it, the light glittering off of various treasures and possessions taken from captured slaves. The entire room looked like it had been designed by a paranoid kleptomaniac who had played too much Minecraft. Silly dogs, torches don’t protect against angry minotaurs.

The ponies began to grab bags around the room, clearly recognizing their own possessions. I frantically looked around the room, searching for my own stuff, before finding it hanging from a nail on the wall. I gleefully wrapped the belt around my waist and tied it on tight. That was much better, now I felt much less naked. Even though I was still technically very naked.

With my bag of tricks now back in their rightful place around my waist, I began to look at other things the dogs had stored here. I was just about to open a crate to check its contents when I felt a hoof jab me in my bad leg. I whirled around with a pained yelp, letting go of the crate lid in the process. I just caught a glimpse of the contents, what looked like red cylinders, before the lid slammed shut…right on my tail. Another yelp escaped me, which I desperately tried to convert into a manly cough.

“Yes, Zende? How can I help you” I asked with forced politeness

The evil old zebra just laughed at my misfortune. Seriously, I know you're not supposed to fuck with the doctor but still. This guy was a dick.

“Here. Drink this. Don’t choke to death on it” he handed me a cup full of foul smelling, green potion. I stared at the fumes coming out of with no small amount of suspicion. Oh well, no pain no gain. I raised the cup in a salute to the Gods of Not Dying Painfully and chugged that bad boy.

Oh Dear Goddess, that was a mistake. The foul liquid immediately began to assault my internal organs as if it had some kind of personal vendetta against them. I could feel my stomach screaming in pain. That’s how bad it was. I could HEAR the screams of my internal organs! My legs spasmed out beneath me in pain and I fell to the ground, arms flailing wildly at the crates around me, knocking many of them over.

As I convulsed in pain on the ground, I idly noticed that that my bones appeared to be moving of their own accord. Well I certainly didn’t tell them to do that-OH GOD, WHAT THE HELL!? I could feel my bones shifting about underneath my leg, knitting back together in what I could only describe as a horrible parody of the natural healing process. Magic was a wonderful thing. This small magical potion had accomplished more than modern medical technology ever could, and all it had to do was put me through the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. I was still weighing the advantages of magic over science…overall, I think I still prefer the natural method. If Zende approaches me with a potion again I’m gonna kick him in his saggy face.

After clawing my way up the nearest box and swaying back to my hooves, I saw Zende snickering at me. I had always been raised to respect my elders, as they know more than me and have worked hard to earn that knowledge, but this zebra was seriously testing my chivalry.

However, my body-popping session had managed to spill some of the crates onto the floor, revealing their contents. Their worrying, cylinder contents. The red tubes had been spilled all over the floor, pieces of what looked like string sticking out of one end of all of them.

“Is that dynamite? Does this place have freaking dynamite?”

“Yes, the dogs occasionally use it when they run into a particularly tough section of rock…or if they just get lazy”

“Huh” I had worked with explosives before in some of my shows, usually little things for making flashes of noise and light. Never something as devastating as blasting powder. Still, we were going to have to confront Redtooth at some point and desperate times and all that. I picked up a few sticks of dynamite and tucked them into one of my bags. I also found a pile of spare magic-blocking rings which I slipped into another pouch. I wasn’t anticipating having to restrain very many unicorns but with an item as useful as the rings I wasn’t about to just let them go to waste.

My new items secured in my pouches I stepped out of the vault alongside the ponies, happily stretching my fixed leg. Nearby Iron Will was leaning casually against a wall of the tunnel, chatting with Summer and several other ponies. I was surprised by how well the ponies had taken to Iron Will. Evidently they were quick to forgive slights against them, especially if those slights were unintentional…such as being forced into an uncontrollable rage to fight them.

The escaped prisoners, now equipped with their provisions, carried on down the tunnel. Iron Will continuing his brutal work on any guards we ran into, the ponies and I stepping carefully over the unconscious bodies of guard dogs. We swiftly reached another intersection, one way I knew led to the throne room I had been dragged into when I was brought here, the other direction would probably lead to the rest of the mine.

“Okay guys, I’ve got a plan…and I’d like us to actually follow it this time. Me, Iron and Summer are going to free the foals from Redtooth and if he gets in the way, we’ll stab him in the gizzard. Whatever the hell a gizzard is. Meanwhile, the rest of you will be going into the mine and freeing the mares. Zende, I’m calling you the unofficial leader of the pony forces going into the mine…mostly because yours is the only name I’ve had the time to learn. Any questions?”

“Yeah, why the hay should we trust you to rescue our foals?” one of the stallions at the back spoke up.

“Because I’m taking Iron Will and Summer with me, two of the strongest motherfuckers in this damn place. Also, I have a few tricks left up my sleeve for defeating Redtooth”

“…I’m not doubting your capabilities…well actually I’m not doubting Iron Will or Summer Storm, but why don’t we just bum rush Redtooth?”

“Because he has the foals within his grasp at all times and if he hears a damn army bearing down on him he’s gonna get jumpy. Well, jumpier than usual. A small strike force can move far swifter and quieter, meaning less chance of foals getting hurt.”

The stallions considered this before agreeing, they would go along with any plan that put their loved ones in less danger, and my plan removed as many dangerous variables as possible. Zende sent me an understanding nod before leading his forces down into the mine. I turned to where Iron Will was still leaning against the wall with Summer.

“You done with your planning, little lamb?”

“Okay first, I’m part goat, not a sheep. Second, yeah let's do this shit”

We set off down the second corridor, Summer and Iron flanking me. As we approached the door to the throne room the two guards on duty pointed their spears at us. They weren’t much of an obstacle considering my companions. Summer zapped the one on the right whilst Iron just picked his guard up and slammed him into the ceiling. I didn’t even slow as the guards were incapacitated, simply walking past them and into the throne room.

“Honey! I’m home!” I addressed the room.

The empty room.

“Damn, messed up my one-liner”

Now I know a lot of you, much like the Kaiser Chiefs, predicted a riot would happen this chapter. Sorry to disappoint. I’m not sure how best to apologize…so I’ll let this guy do it.

“Hey, Cave Johnson here. We here at Aperture Fiction Entertainment know what a good story needs. Violence! And lots of it too. We can’t help but notice that one member of our Forced Writers Initiative failed to produce a necessary amount of violence in his latest chapter. Be reassured that he has been punished for this. I had one of the engineers invent a ray that turns his bones into tomato soup whilst still retaining his ability to write via an interpreter. From what I can understand of his gargling he said that copious amounts of violence are coming up soon. Well, it was either that or ‘Oh God the pain, please kill me’. One of the two…Cave Johnson, we’re done here.”

Yeah, what he said. Violence to come soon.
Barrel-of-fun

Parlour Tricks

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex

Okay, so that was a little bit anti-climactic, I had really been expecting the rows of impassive guards and the monstrous Redtooth. Bit disappointing really. I had psyched myself up for a boss battle and got...nothing really.

Summer and Iron began to check the room for any hidden guards, the two experienced fighters refusing to drop their guards even without any enemies in sight. I was far less cautious, simply sauntering straight down the center of the room and towards the throne. As I reached the large stone seat, I leapt up so that I was standing on the armrests with my head poking over the back.

The space behind the throne, like the rest of enormous chamber, was lit by flickering torches that were set into mountings on the wall. The whimsical light danced over the faces of the foal's trapped inside the rusty cage, illuminating their terrified eyes. They gazed at me in a combination of fear and curiosity, some of them flinching away from me. Whatever these foals had been through at Redtooths paws it had clearly left them damaged. I swallowed my anger at this mistreatment of innocents, didn't want to show any anger in front of the foals. Instead I replaced it with my best showman’s smile.

Showtime!

"Hey there, young 'uns, I'm the Amazing Ace, Magician Extraordinaire! And I'm here to perform a very special trick. You all remember that big old meanie Redtooth?" They all nodded nervously "Well, I'm going to make all of his slaves...completely disappear"

Now their nervousness and fear was transformed, as if by magic, into excitement at the prospect of freedom. I noticed their wide eyes shoot down to the side of the throne and, following their gaze, saw Summer peeking her head around the throne. It had been at least ten minutes since I last annoyed her.

Hey, I wonder if I can make her facehoof.

"And this is Summer Storm, my lovely assistant. We do this amazing trick where I saw her in half before putting her back together...also she looks damn good in a shiny leotard"

I sent a cheeky wink at the foals which elicited giggles from them, as for Summer.

Face. Hoof. Contact.

Jackpot!

"Ignore the idiot, children, he's a terrible role model. Ace, quit joking around and pick this lock, we don't know how long we have before Redtooth shows up."

I was starting to feel like my sense of humour wasn't being completely appreciated, it was all just 'Do this, do that. Try and be serious, we're in life-threatening danger'

Damn plebeians.

I leapt over the throne, throwing my body fully over the back, ending up almost upsetting several pots that were stacked directly behind the seat. Who sets pots behind a throne anyway? I wonder what Redtooth kept inside them? Fine wine? Treasure? Secrets of an intimate nature?

Whatever it is, I bet it's valuable.

My curiosity may very well have been one of my more dangerous traits, it has certainly got me into plenty of trouble in the past. However, there was something far more important than mere satisfaction of my curiosity at the moment. Got to free these foals first. I bent down to examine the lock that kept them contained inside the cage, it looked far simpler than the ones on the unicorn horn rings. The foals cage lock was a lot chunkier and had clearly just been chosen because it looked large and impressive. In my experience, the larger locks are just compensating for their lack of an intricate mechanism.

I wonder what else Redtooth is compensating for.

It was also easier thanks to the illumination, the amount of torches that Redtooth had around his throne was ridiculous. They effectively eliminated any shadows but had the downside of practically turning the area into an oven. I found myself sweating under the light of the torches, I couldn’t even begin to imagine how bad it must be for the foals with their full fur coats.

There was a satisfying clunk from the lock as the mechanism inside yielded to my probing. I quickly yanked the lock off and pulled the cage open, releasing the foals. My heart was warmed as they stumbled out of their cage, smiles threatening to split their faces in half. I had no idea how long they had been locked in there but it had apparently been long enough to weaken their underdeveloped legs. I called Summer and Iron over with a wave of my hand.

“Guys, get the foals out of here. They’re going to need some help walking.”

“What about you?” Summer asked as she began to lift foals up in her telekinesis.

“I’ll catch up. I’m a bit curious about Redtooth’s stash…I think I’m going to rob him”

“Alright, just be careful”

“Don’t die kid” Iron Will added, his arms overflowing with foals. He could barely hold on to all that adorableness.

“Don’t worry, if I’m not out in ten minutes…”

“We leave you behind for the good of the group?”

“…No! You get back here and rescue me! I don’t want to die!”

This got a chuckle from Summer and Iron as well as giggles from the foals. Screw them, I wasn’t kidding.

They left to evacuate the foals from the throne room whilst I inspected the seal on the large pots. Most of them appeared to be sealed tight with some kind of binding wax. I would need a crowbar or something to break the seal on one of those, where’s Gordon Freeman when you need him?

What’s this now? One of the jars at the end appeared to have its seal already broken. How fortunate. I quickly grabbed the top of the pot and pulled it away, allowing me to see its contents. I had been expecting gold or perhaps some gems but what I got was entirely different. It was a liquid, but it definitely wasn’t wine. At first I thought the jar to be empty, as all I could see inside it was darkness. However I realised this wasn’t the case when the darkness appeared to move, twisting and sloshing around the confines of the pot without any outside assistance. I found myself entranced by its strange movements, how the light of the torches seemed to be absorbed by its beauty. How it danced with a wild energy. The urge to consume it, to taste its sweet nectar, threatened to overwhelm me. Just a little sip, that wouldn’t be too bad. It could make me stronger. Strong enough to defeat Redtooth, to save everyone. I wouldn’t need anyone else. Just me, the king of the world.

I reached into the jar, scooping up some of the miracle liquid into my hand. It was so beautiful to behold. How could I possibly have thought that it looked like pure darkness? It was clearly the brightest liquid in the world. It seemed to shine with a light of its own, not needing any illumination from a torch. Unlike other drinks, which would flow with wild abandon and try to escape from any hand that cupped them, this fine brew stayed in my hand, eager to be tasted. I complied to its enthusiastic entreaty, raising my hand to my lips to sup upon the fabulous liquid.

Just as I was about to allow the drink to flow past my lips, I was interrupted by a flushing sound and the opening of a door. I glanced up from the enchanting liquid to see Redtooth entering the room, flanked by four torch carrying guards. Clutched in between his paws was a small pink towel, which he was using to dry his furry paws. He looked up from his cleaning and saw me standing next to his throne, a handful of his precious drink raised to my lips.

Awkward.

My eyes noticed the small towel he held and, in a moment of horrible clarity, noted the frilly edges and the embodied ‘RT’ done in purple on one corner of the cloth. The sight of the towel, so out of place being held by the giant dog, seemed to cause a short circuit inside the hilarity computation part of my brain. It was too much. He looked completely ridiculous and it was just too much for me. I idly noted that the drink was falling from my grasp as my brain failed to process the scene in front of me and my hand went limp, the foul liquid forming a puddle at my hooves.

My brain worked overtime as I tried to process what exactly Redtooth, the mad Alpha of an entire clan of intimidating Diamond Dogs, was doing with a small fluffy towel.

Maybe he just strangled someone to death with it? You know, for the irony?

Wait a moment…Flushing sound? Wiping his paws?

Had he just been?…next to his throne room?…with his guards?!

Who the hell has guards accompany them to the bathroom? I don’t even think the paranoid rulers back on Earth do that!

Okay, I’m officially getting over my disgust at Redtooth’s lack of personal space issues. I’m now more concerned with how he’s angrily glaring at me with the intention to murder clear on his face.

Evidently, he does not like people touching his drink. I’ll remember that for next time.

“Who the hell do you think you are?!” He roared at me, spittle flying between his teeth. Sure am glad I’m not one of his guards. The amount of spit this guy throws about, it must be a very damp job.

“That’s a good question. Who am I? Don’t we all ask ourselves that question at some point in our lives. Who are we? What’s our place in the universe? Am I even real? How can I be sure about such a thing? Far greater minds than I have pondered such questions since time immaterial and have, as a collective, been stumped. Is there truly no answer out there? Or can we just not comprehend it? However, I am guessing you aren’t the philosophical kind and are actually simply enquiring to my identity. To which I must answer thusly.”

I leapt up onto his throne, my hooves balanced on either arm rest. Throwing my hands out wide I exclaimed:

“Voila! A name is but a function. A way of identifying an individual and thus, a name should give a good indication of the individual and their personality, as well as the limits of their abilities. So you may call me the Amazing Ace, Magician Extraordinaire!”

The confusion on the dogs faces deepened at this over the top introduction. Using confusion on violent people was probably not the greatest strategy. Confused people tend to fall back on what they know, and what these dogs know is…

“Kill him!” Redtooth ordered, as his guards lowered their spears and charged towards me.

…that.

The guards were quick to close the distance with me, their loping charge giving them great speed. However, I was ready for them. I reached into one of my pouches and pulled out an item which most would consider to be the most innocuous and harmless substance in the world. Corn starch, purchasable at nearly any market and found in bakeries everywhere, was nearly incapable of causing any damage on its own. However, when oxygenated and combined with a flame source, such as the many torches that surround me, it could suddenly become quite dangerous.

I grabbed a handful of the powder and threw it into my mouth, simultaneously grabbing a torch from its bracket with my other hand. The guard’s were right in front of me now, ready to thrust their spears forward and end the annoyance that was my existence. They were certainly well trained, each one of them aiming their weapons with pinpoint precision at my chest. Each spear on its own would have been a killing blow, but together they would impale me to this throne with ease. Best not let that happen then.

I leapt up, drawing my knees to my chest as I jumped, allowing the spears to pass harmlessly beneath me. The heads of the spears impacted the back of the throne with a satisfying crack, splintering the rock and trapping the spears there. The dogs barely had time to react before I landed on the makeshift platform their combined spear thrust had created and stared at them, raising the torch to my mouth.

I would have said a one liner about now but unfortunately my mouth was full of oxygenated, and now flammable, corn starch. I made do with just wiggling my eyebrows suggestively at the dogs…it’s just not the same.

I spat the corn starch directly at the flaming torch, pointing it at the surprised faces of the guards. The starch shot forwards from my mouth, hitting the fire and igniting, before continuing its deadly journey directly into the guards faces. The dogs fell back, howling and pawing at their heads as the flames took hold.

I was honestly surprised by the effectiveness of this attack. I was expecting it just to disorientate them, maybe ruin their eyesight a bit so I could make my escape, and against humans that is exactly what it would have done. The lack of a liquid accelerant such as propane made the corn starch flamethrower rather ineffective as an actual weapon. The flames would dissipate almost instantly without anything to keep it going. A human would have been able to swipe the flames away with a clothed arm, as many clothes have some form of fire resistance built in. In addition, humans, unlike Diamond Dogs, don’t have fur coats.

Which, it turns out, are quite flammable…who knew?

The dogs ran past Redtooth, who swiped at them ineffectively in anger. The guards ignored his rage, far more concerned with the fact that their faces were on fire. I like these guys, they’ve got their priorities straight. They disappeared into what was presumably the bathroom to extinguish the fire, leaving me and Redtooth alone.

“So…my next trick is one I like to call ’Getting-the-fuck-out’. I’m going to need some audience participation on this one. How about you sir? The huge ugly guy with the face not even a mother could love? Just turn around, close your eyes and count to a hundred.”

Surprisingly, Redtooth didn’t want to participate in my trick. I tell you, some people just have no sense of the dramatic. Rather than complying with my instruction, he roared and charged at me, arms spread wide and claws out. Okay, I’ve faced hecklers before. You just need to take a firm approach with them.

As he reached the edge of dais and was about to ascend to swipe at me I leapt forward, using the impaled spears as a springboard to send me soaring over his head. He vainly attempted to catch my flying form with his claws but I was too swift for him, passing clean over him and landing on my hooves with my arms stretched to either side like a gymnastic. I took a sweeping bow to an imaginary audience, pretending to throw them kisses in return for their applause.

The door behind me was smashed open and I whirled round, expecting more guards. However for once I was pleasantly surprised to find someone not trying to kill me. Iron and Summer stood on either side, for foal free and ready for battle. They’d come back for me! They really do care!

“Paws off the idiot! He’s ours!”

‘Care’ is a really subjective word. Oh well, I can roll with it.

“Give it up Redtooth, it’s over!” Despite feeling like a massive cliché for saying that I still felt like it was fairly effective.

Redtooth glared at us and growled, flexing his paws and brandishing his claws. I could see him assessing his chances at beating us and to be honest, I wouldn’t like to be in his position right now. Iron Will could probably take him on his own, with me and Summer backing him up the outcome was inevitable. Redtooth apparently figured this out as well as he sheathed his claws and began to back down. Thank Goddess, I was worried that this would all end in violence.

Just as we began to lower our guard, Redtooth acted. He leapt over to the open jar by the side of his throne and grabbed it and, raising it to his mouth, began to chug its foul contents. We could only stare in confusion as he downed the entire pot, throwing it to the side once it was finished. He then grabbed his stomach in pain, clutching it and howling. I saw his fur, already a sickly white, begin to fall away from his body as lumps rose under his skin. The bumps started in his stomach, then began to move throughout his body, worming around under his skin. Redtooth began to rip at the lumps, tearing away fur and even skin in his panic to get at them. The lumps beneath his skin began to move as one, heading up his body and towards his head. He clawed desperately at them, trying to stop their advance, but it was all in vain. The lumps coalesced into a single lump on top of his head, squirming about and stretching his skin. Redtooth let out a final howl of pain and despair before, with a sickening popping sound, his head exploded.

Gore splattered outwards as the huge diamond dog fell, now headless. I felt sick at the sight of it. Outside of movies, I had never seen anything so gruesome. Redtooth may have been a villain but he didn’t deserve…whatever that was. No one did.

I was about to turn away and leave, no longer able to handle the sight of the corpse, when I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye. That couldn’t be right. I’m no expert on Diamond Dog physiology but I’m pretty sure they need a head to live.

Redtooth’s body was convulsing on the ground, clawing at the stone floor and kicking out at the pots around him, knocking many of them over. They shattered, releasing their dark liquid, which began to pool around Redtooth’s headless corpse. As soon as the liquid touched the bloody stump where his head used to be there was a gurgling sound and the water began to rush into his neck, which greedily absorbed the drink.

We looked on in horror as the creature that had once been Redtooth began to change. The remainder of his fur fell out and the skin beneath began to change colour, from a pale pink to foreboding black. His muscles expanded to grotesque proportions and he grew so that he towered above us all. His claws, once fearsome even by Diamond Dog standards, extended even further until he appeared to have claymores on the end of each finger. The worst of all was saved for last as the stump that had once held the head of the vicious Alpha grew something far worse. Multiple necks split off from the main stump, each one a pure jet black. They grew outwards, extending to horrific length, until they eventually stopped and the stumps at the end began to split, revealing razor sharp teeth. The black skin above the mouths split open to reveal slanted red eyes.

I wondered if the creature in front of me retained some part of Redtooths mind as all of the heads locked their red gazes onto me with an unnatural hatred. I barely managed to stop my knees from knocking together in fear as the monster’s snake heads hissed at me.

Huh…that’s one hell of a trick

Chase the Ace

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex

Thanks guys, your a big help.

Iron, Summer and I looked at each other, then back at the monstrous creature, then back at each other.

“So…does this sort of thing happen a lot round here?” I asked

“No, no it does not.” Summer responded, still staring in horrified curiosity at the monster.

The beast was swaying about, trying to get used to its new body. I know how that felt, getting used to an entirely new body could be a bitch. It was actually sort of funny though, watching this giant creature flail about trying to find its balance.

“We should probably start running soon” I suggested

“I don’t think so, if this beastie manages to get out of here and reach the ponies…” Iron didn’t need to finish that sentence. I could imagine the devastation the beast that had once been Redtooth could cause.

“So we need to stop it right?” Summer and Iron both nodded. “Alright then, I’m going to try something stupid. Something so unexpected that not even whatever-the-hell-that-is will see it coming. The last and potentially most dangerous solution to any conflict.”

Iron and Summer leaned forward slightly, eager to hear what my final devastating solution was.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to use…diplomacy!”

I wasn’t looking at them but I heard the sound of a hand and a hoof colliding with respective faces, followed by simultaneous exasperated sighs.

Double face palm. I must be doing something right.

Ignoring my companions disapproval of my plan, I stepped forwards and spoke to the flailing monster.

“Hey beastie! I come in peace…kind of. Just wondering if you wouldn’t mind telling me your intentions. Maybe you would like to rant about how your plan will allow you to take over the world and slay everyone? I hear villains love that shit.”

The beast ceased its flailing, holding completely still as the snakelike heads observed me. Come to think of it I wasn’t overly sure that this thing had ears, I might have just wasted my breath.

I was about to back off then all of the heads opened their maws, revealing their razor sharp teeth. Forked tongues, as black as the creatures new skin, darted forward and licked at the air. After the tongues retreated the beast began to hiss, a terrible sound that seemed to invade my eardrums. Strangely the hiss seemed to be forming words inside of my skull. It sounded almost like it was trying to talk.

“Sssssslay”

I wasn’t sure if that was an answer to my question or just a general statement about its disgust at my existence. I didn’t have much time to contemplate its answer as the beast began to lumber forward, moving surprisingly swiftly for such a large creature. I was certainly surprised, barely having time to realise what was happening before a colossal leg collided with me, sending me flying backwards.

“Shiiiiiiiiiiit!” I cried, as a sailed over Summer and Iron, before landing in a heap at the other end of the throne room. Summer and Iron quickly rushed over to make sure that I wasn’t dead. As I struggled back to my feet I could hear a gurgling hiss coming from the creature as it watched my efforts to regain my footing. I think it’s laughing at me…that sadistic fuck.

“I’m afraid that negotiations have broken down, it’s time for some thrilling heroics.”

“And what exactly is the plan here? How do we take that thing out?” Iron asked

“Erm…stab it? A lot?”

Summer and Iron looked at each other, then back to me.

“Sounds good to me.” Summer replied

“Yeah, finally you made a plan I can agree with.” Iron added

Seriously, screw you guys. My plans are perfectly fine….except for when they’re not.

Evidently, the horrific snake monster thing had not been raised to have very good manners as it decided to interrupt our conversation with a very rude bull rush, each of its heads hissing in fury. Iron grabbed Summer and threw her out of the way, before following her himself. I was left to dive in the opposite direction, hoping to split the monsters attention between us. This left the monster in the middle of the throne room, hunting for targets, with Summer and Iron concealed behind pillars on one side and me cowering on the other.

I poked my head out for a quick glance and, once satisfied it wasn’t looking my way, began to signal to Iron. I have never been overly familiar with how military personal manage to communicate with hand gestures, I’m not even sure if a world where most of the inhabitant have hooves even has a system of hand gesture communication, but I tried my best. I think Iron Will understood my intentions, or some garbled version of them, as he nodded and passed the message on to Summer. Looking back to me, he raised his open hand and began to lower the fingers one at a time. As soon as his hand made a fist we both broke from cover, dashing as fast as possible towards the throne.

And the impaled spears that had been left there.

We had barely made it a couple of yards before I heard the hiss of the beast recognizing our movements. It’s thunderous gait began to rock the floor beneath us, as if we were caught in the middle of an earthquake. The huge steps it took would allow it to catch us in mere moments and I dare not look back to observe it’s progress. Any loss of speed now could spell death, I just hope Summer understands her part in the plan.

Just as I felt the ground reverberate below us, as one of the colossus paws impacted mere metres away from me, there was a bright flash and an acrid stink filled the air as a supercharged bolt of electricity struck the beast in the side. It stumbled away from the unexpected assault, losing its footing and collapsing against the nearest pillar, which shattered underneath it’s bulk, burying the creature in rubble. Iron and I swivelled round to observe this, stunned by the force of Summer’s sneak attack.

“Did we get it?” I asked hesitantly.

In response to my inquiry the remains of the pillar, each broken piece a cylinder of stone larger than Iron, began to shift as the beast clawed its way out. Judging by the muffled hissing and the scrabbling of its bulky frame, it was not very pleased about now. Iron looked at me in a judging fashion.

“What? What did I do?” I asked, honestly confused

“You jinxed it. If you have to ask if the monster is dead, then the monster is almost definitely not dead. Got it?”

“Erm…Yeah” How did Iron Will know about monster slaying? I’ll have to ask him later, but for now we have an awful lot of running to do.

Iron an I took off running again, desperate to reach some form of weapon before the once-dog could fully recover. I wasn’t entirely sure how effective the spears would be against such a huge creature though. They might be useful in giving it a small itch, but that was about it. Still beggars can’t be choosers.

We reached the throne just as the beast shifted the last of the rubble of its form. We tried to ignore the sound of it getting to its feet as we yanked the spears from their place in the throne. I had to leave Iron to it as the dogs, in their eagerness to kill me, had managed to get those spears good and stuck. My feeble efforts to remove them were quickly brushed aside by Iron and I contented myself observing the creature. Thank the gods that Summer had had the presence of mind to conceal herself after her attack. The beast was pissed from being blindsided like that and would be swift to return the favour to its attacker.

It eventually gave up looking for the mysterious disappearing mare and instead searched for us. Its search didn’t take it very long, we weren’t exactly hidden as we retrieved our new weapons. Iron handed me a spear that he had managed to dislodge and began pulling at a second for himself.

“Iron, not to hurry you or anything but we’re about to have some company”

“How soon?” He asked, still yanking at the spear.

“Right about…now” I shoved Iron Will to one side, noticing that he managed to take his weapon with him, before diving the opposite way. The once-dog smashed into the throne that we had been standing in front of a few seconds earlier, obliterating it entirely and destroying many of the pots that had been concealed behind it. The beast noticed that it had not only missed its foes but also spilled some of the foul liquid. It roared in rage, the hiss of the snake heads combining with a far more bestial sound that originated from deep within the dogs body. A predatory growl.

Iron Will and I weren’t about to wait for it to charge us again. Instead we took the initiative, leaping forward to jab at the beast with our spears. I managed to stab my weapon into the monsters thigh, whilst Iron buried his in its gut and was forced to leave it there before the huge paws caught him.

Backing off, we surveyed the damage that we had managed to do to the beast. The injury I caused to its leg would certainly slow it down whilst the stomach wound that Iron had achieved might even kill it, given enough time.

I expected the beast to attempt another furious charge to repay us for the injuries but I got something entirely different. That strange gurgling laugh emanated from the snakeheads once more. As the beast let out its dark chuckle, one of its paws reached up and grasped the spear implanted in its stomach and, with a swift yank, removed the offending object, allowing blood as black as night to pour forth from the wound. Now I was totally confused. Had the beast just caused greater injury to itself by removing the spear? Why would it do that?

I got my answer all too soon.

The black blood pouring from the wound abruptly ceased as the skin around the opening began to shift and move. For a moment the entire skin of the once-dog appeared to stretch and expand before it settled again. When the beast’s skin had finally ceased its convulsing all traces of the wound had gone and, after a quick glance, I saw that the wound in its thigh had also closed up.

It could regenerate injuries. That’s just not fair.

The once-dog looked at the spear that had caused its gut wound, before letting out a deep chuckle and casually snapping the weapon between two of its fingers. I realised that if we were going to have any chance of taking this thing down we would need some bigger weapons.

“Iron, I want you to take Summer and leave”

“What? I ain’t leaving you to fight that thing alone kid!” He replied hotly.

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine, but I need you to go and get some bigger weapons. We’re going to need some proper ordnance to stop this beastie”

“Are you thinking of…”

“Oh hell yeah” I sent him a murderously cheerful grin which he happily returned. He appeared to have thought of the same thing I had.

“What about you though?” He questioned

“I’m probably the fastest and most agile out of the three of us, I’ll keep him distracted. You’ll need Summer where your going anyway”

“Alright, best of luck kid, don’t die. Summer! With me!” He charged off.

“What in Tartarus is going on!?” I heard her shout.

“Kid says he’s got a plan, told us to leave him”

“What? Oh Celestia, he’s going to die isn’t he?” Damn Summer, you wound me deep.

Iron’s response, and subsequent explanation of my plan, was lost as the door slammed shut behind them. Leaving me alone.

Well, alone except for the massive hell beast in front of me.

“Hey, wanna play a game? How bout a quick round of Chase the Ace?” I offered.

The once-dog didn’t seem to take to kindly to this, as it simply roared and charged at me once more. I immediately dove out of the way, allowing it to smash nothing but the air where I had been.

“Okay, how about poker?” I threw my spear at it, the weapon sailing through the air to impale into the monsters back. The weapon did little more than annoy it but, at the moment at least, that’s exactly what I was trying to do.

“Get it? Poker? With the spear? Poke-er…?”

It turned and charged me again, forcing me to leap out of the way once more.

“Oh fuck you, I’m funny”

The once-dog seemed to take offence to this statement as it charged at me once more, but this time far more slowly. I realised that if I tried to roll out of the way of this one then it would be able to stop and grab me whilst I recovered from the dive. Instead I was forced to run away, the monster following close behind me.

My strong goat legs allowed me to cover the ground swiftly, each step bounding me forward. I discovered that the most efficient way to move was not the movement of each leg in the running that I was used to as a human, but rather to kick with both legs, essentially bucking the ground and sending me flying forward in a huge leap. My legs seemed to move underneath me automatically, allowing me to land in the perfect position for another leap.

So this is what it feels like to run like a rabbit.

Not that I was complaining of course. The huge stride of the once-dog chasing me was all the incentive I needed to take every advantage I could get to escape from it. As I ran, or bounded, I wondered exactly how long I would be able to keep this up for. Hopefully long enough for Iron and Summer to get back and save my furry ass.

I led the beast on a merry chase around the room, leaping over the rubble created by its earlier fall and occasionally bouncing off the walls to increase my turning speed. At one point I attempted to zigzag in between the pillars, hoping to slow my pursuer down with the swift turns. However the once-dog had no concern for such impediments and simply smashed right through them in its anger, forcing me to abandon this strategy as I feared for the structural integrity of a throne room with no pillars to hold up the roof.

One unfortunate side effect of my bounding way of movement was that it caused the pouches around my waist to bounce about uncomfortably. The large pouch containing my stolen dynamite kept jumping up and smacking me in the ribs.

Hold on a sec…dynamite.

If I wasn’t running for dear life I would have taken a time out to face palm at my own stupidity. How could I have forgotten about the dynamite?

As I shot past one of the few remaining pillars I reached out and removed a torch from its bracket. Retrieving a single stick of the blasting powder from my bag I carefully, or as carefully as I could whilst travelling faster than any human had ever travelled on foot, lit the detonation tape poking out of one end of the red cylinder.

Huh, I wonder how long it takes to blow up?

With a careless shrug I tossed the bomb over one shoulder and carried on running, now trying to escape both the monster and the blast radius. A few seconds later I was nearly knocked me off my hooves as a concussive blast hit me, followed by my ears ringing. I hit the side of my head, attempting to restore my hearing, as I scrambled to my hooves. The first thing I noticed was the sheer amount of dust that had been kicked up by the explosion.

The second thing I noticed was that I couldn’t hear the beasts footsteps anymore.

Did I get it?

Cautiously I approached where I had last seen the once-dog before the explosion, wafting one hand through the air to get rid of some of the dust and covering my mouth with the other. As the smoke cleared I noticed a figure in front of me, prone on the floor. It was definitely the monster and it definitely wasn’t intact anymore.

It looked like one of the snakeheads had caught the stick of dynamite I had thrown, evidently there was still some dog in there. Every single one of the heads had been taken completely off by the explosion, leaving a dozen bloody stumps behind. I felt myself overcome by elation. I’d won! Wait until Iron and Summer see this!

“Hah! Suck it! Regenerate that one bitch!” Feeling confident I approached the corpse, giving it a swift kick. I began to laugh, the adrenaline overcoming my disgust at the blood. It started off as a nervous giggle, slowly escalating until I was laughing like a madman.

I scrabbled up the corpses bulk until I was standing on its chest, staring down at where its heads had once been. Still laughing, I began to do a little jig, hooves thudding into its unmoving chest. I couldn’t believe I had actually survived that, not only survived though, but won. And on my own as well.

My celebrations were tragically cut short as the ground beneath me began to move, causing me to flail about to keep my balance.

Oh crap, is the cavern collapsing?

Too late I realised that I wasn’t standing on the floor and thus, it wasn’t the floor that I felt move, but rather the chest of the colossus I was standing on. A ragged wheeze escaped from the beasts headless stumps, as if it was trying to draw in air without the need of a working throat system. The chest began to beat in a steady rhythm and, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed movement coming from its previously limp arms.

I could only stand there, my body unmoving but my mind screaming at me for my stupidity, as the arms evolved from random twitches to suddenly leaping forward and grabbing me. They clamped around my body and held me tight, my arms pinned to me side.

The beast clambered to its feet, still holding me tight in its grip. Its breathing was still laboured and it remained completely headless. How is it even working without a head? Is it a bit like a chicken, that it doesn’t need much of a brain to operate?

Clearly my mind had broken from the fear, now just reduced to resigned curiosity about my fate. Iron Will had been right, I totally jinxed it when I gloated over the body.

So this is how it ends? Ripped to bits by a mutated dog monster whilst trapped in a world of magic where ponies are one of the main forms of sentient life.

I pondered my predicament.

I honestly didn’t see it coming.

The beast skin began its rippling again, signalling its regeneration trick. It was different this time though, the skin rippled but when it reached the devastated necks it stopped, simply healing all outside damage. Blood spurted out of the necks in a geyser, shooting forward and splattering everything in the surrounding, including me. I shook my head to clear away the worst of the blood and, when I managed to focus on the beast again, saw that all of its heads were back to normal. Well, as normal as a multi-headed snake hound can be.

The heads all looked at me, trapped as I was in between its paws, and grinned a feral smile. The centremost head leaned forward, its mouth opening to an obscene size. It’s tongue flicker out outwards to taste the fear of the meal before it. Those razor sharp teeth glittering in the light of the fires. It hovered over my head for a moment, swaying side to side as it considered its prey, before shooting forward.

To envelop me in darkness.

Fool's Gambit

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex
fireshadow11

Give a big hand to them. Especially PieisGood4U as he caught the majority of the mistakes in this chapter.

So this is the afterlife?

Weird. It’s much darker than I was expecting, though I’m not entirely sure what I was expecting, certainly something brighter than this. Perhaps some kind of ethereal light beckoning me to a peaceful rest…or hellfire that would damn me for all eternity. I imagine that both of those options would be significantly better lit.

And a lot less damp.

It was strange really. Despite my status as a mortally challenged individual I could still feel a dampness around me, permeating everything. It was particularly bad at the top of my head where something appeared to be licking me of all things.

Awful lot of teeth in the afterlife as well.

In the darkness I could just make out rows of jagged teeth surrounding me. Maybe they were the teeth of Satan, come to gobble my soul. Strange though. I mean, I may not have led the most honest life…occasionally committing acts many would actually describe as downright dishonest, but I never really considered myself a bad person. I had never intentionally caused harm to an innocent, never really been in a fight except for self-defence. Sure I’d robbed a couple of people, conned a few fools out of their money, but I had always been careful who my mark was. I only targeted people who could afford to lose a bit, those with more money than sense. I even gave money to charity whenever I had enough to survive on. I don’t think that really qualifies me for an eternity of painful damnation.

Then again the priests back home were always willing to condemn people to hell for the most minor violations of religious law. So really, what do I know?

Damn, I’m not sure if it’s all this theological consideration that set it off but my head really hurts. It feels like it’s caught in a vice.

Can damned souls get headaches? Seems a rather petty torture from the Prince of Darkness.

The vice seemed to slowly closing, my headache getting much worse with every second. The teeth that I could see synchronised with this, slowly closing together as my migraine reached epic levels of pain. I winced as the crushing force increased, I felt like I could feel my skull cracking like an egg under the pressure.

Crack!

Oh God, was that my skull?!

No wait a moment, I feel that having my skull cracked open would be far more…gory. Blood and brains flying everywhere and causing an awful mess. That sort of thing.

“Oh sweet Celestia! Ace!” I heard a distant voice cry.

Was that Summer? Did the beast get her as well? Shame that, she seemed like such a nice pony. I didn’t know that ponies even had a hell, much less that she would be sharing one with me. Kind of a bummer but if you're going to burn in eternal hellfire then you might as well be in good company whilst you do it.

I loud ‘Twang!’ reached my eyes, cutting straight through my headache. It was soon followed by a roar of pain that intensified my migraine several times over. I found myself falling out the darkness, to impact painfully onto the floor.

Shaking my head in an attempt to clear it I opened my eyes to observe the new hell in front of me. The colossal once-dog towered over me, roaring in pain and anger. From my position on my rump in front of the beast I could see Summer and Iron standing in front of the door. Summer’s horn was crackling with electricity and Iron had brought along a little surprise for the monster. In his hands he was holding one of the ballistae from the entrance to the cave, its buckshot payload had just been fired into the back of the gargantuan beast. He was casually pulling back the enormous string with one hand, the arms of the huge crossbow creaking under the strain.

Huh, so I’m not dead.

…

How the hell aren’t I dead?

I gently touched the side of my head at the spot where the snakes jaws had closed on me in an attempt to bite off my head. The point where the lower jaw had strained to crush my head like a watermelon. The exact spot where my right horn curled protectively round my ear. I gently prodded it, feeling the jagged lines that had been bitten into it and how it moved around like a loose tooth. Well I guess that explains where the cracking sound had come from.

Further confirmation of my status among the living came when I realised I was sitting on something very uncomfortable. Something very lumpy, that jingled when I shifted about under me. For what felt like the hundredth time today, I struggled to my hooves, looking up to see that the beast had turned its back to me to face this new assault. I got a great view of the damage that Iron’s ballista had managed to inflict on it, its entire back was covered in arrows and splinters from the buckshot. It looked like a deformed hedgehog.

Despite the grievous damage done by this attack I could see that many of the wounds had already begun to heal, the skin rippling and forcing the arrows out. A large scorch mark, presumably from Summer’s lightning bolt, also disappeared under the ripples, to return as smooth skin.

If we’re going to take this thing down, we need some way of stopping its freaky magical regeneration.

Wait…freaky magic?

Could that work?

The beast roared as Summer and Iron’s attacks continued to slam into it, electric bolts, harpoons and arrows breaking the flesh only to be forced away by its rippling skin. Summer was beginning to look tired and Iron probably didn’t have much ammunition left.

Now or never, it’s worth a try.

“Iron! Summer! I have a plan!” I yelled across the room.

“Another one!? This is getting bloody ridiculous!” Iron shouted back, still smoothly reloading his weapon.

“I agree but it might be our only chance! I need you to make it kneel!”

“What! Why? Do you want it to pay fealty to you or something!?” Summer this time, her face illuminated by the magic sparking from her horn.

“Just trust me!” I hope they went with this, I don’t really have time to make sure that they do. I began to fiddle around with my pouches, withdrawing items and searching for others, desperately trying to prepare my final solution. Items jangled around as a swiftly combined the two objects, praying to any gods who would listen that this works. Firelight glinted off the metal I held in between my hands as my fingers nimbly slotted each piece into place, tying it all together with some twine.

Satisfied, I inspected it. Three cylindrical red sticks, the last of my dynamite, were bound together with twine, their detonation fuses spiralled round like a braid out of the top of the devices. Along the length of each stick glittered the metal shapes of half a dozen inhibitor rings, locked into place on the explosives as if they were horns. It would have to do, I grabbed a nearby torch and got ready to light it as soon as Iron and Summer came through on their end.

They did not disappoint. Iron loaded in his final harpoon and fired at the monster, striking it in one of its giant paws and sticking there. The rope attached to the harpoon was swiftly grabbed by Iron and he began to haul at it, pulling the beast of balance. The once-dog set its huge legs into a stance and was just about to pull back against Iron, presumably to drag the minotaur within range of the snapping snakeheads, when a powerful bolt of pure lightning slammed into its left kneecap, temporarily crippling the mighty creature. With a groan of pain, it began to topple forward before catching itself with its unbound hand and stopping its descent.

The beast was now in a position for me to attack, kneeling as if it was about to be knighted. I touched the flaming torch to the detonation tape and was about to set off when I realised something.

I only had one shot at this.

I needed it to be effective as possible, and give absolutely no way for the once-dog to get up again. The bomb would have to be actually inside the beast's body to completely stop it. Which means I need an item capable of cutting the skin.

Of which none appear in my immediate vicinity.

I began to desperately search for something, acutely aware that I was holding an armed explosive device in my hand.

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. There’s got to be something! What about those spears from earlier?

Nope. Completely destroyed by the beast and in pieces. On the other side of the throne room.

Any sharp pieces of rock maybe?

Nothing capable of breaking the skin of a giant helldog.

Well…that leaves only one option then doesn’t it?

Switching the bomb to my left hand, I reached up with my right and grabbed my cracked horn firmly. Snarling, I ripped it off, the already fractured bone snapping away easily in my hand. Ignoring the shards of bone that had shot out from the breaking horn and into the side of my face I gripped my impromptu knife tightly in a reverse grip, the razor sharp point facing downwards.

I charged forwards, roaring at the top of my voice for no reason other than it seemed the appropriate thing to do. Reaching the back of the kneeling once-dog I quickly bounded up it, using its bent legs as platforms to allow me access to its back. Even with its current kneeling position, the back of the beast was a slope steeper than any hill. I leapt up as far as possible before slamming my horn into its skin, dragging the improvised weapon down with my own weight to create an ugly gash down the creatures back. The once-dog barely even seemed to notice the wound, too preoccupied with Summer and Iron’s attacks.

Well it will certainly notice this.

I swung my other arm, and its explosive payload, over my head and directly into the wound I had created, noticing that the skin I was holding on to had already started to ripple and squirm. Grabbing the implanted horn with both hands I kicked off the beasts back, tucking into a roll as I hit the ground.

“TAKE COVER!” I warned, hoping that Summer and Iron would get out of the way in time. As for myself, I threw myself behind a nearby pillar and hoped for the best.

After a couple of seconds of hoping for the best I leaned out, curious as to why there had been no boom. Summer and Iron had disappeared behind pillars of their own and the beast was climbing back to its feet, free of its restraints.

Did the fuse go out or something?

I was just about to step out from behind the pillar, ready to find another way to bring the beast down, when it happened. The once-dogs entire upper torso disappeared in a ball of fire that expanded outwards from its chest. My eardrums were assaulted by the noise of three pieces of dynamite going off simultaneously no more than thirty feet from me. Bits of gore and shrapnel whipped past me, a piece of what had once been an inhibitor ring flying past me close enough to move my hair with its tailwind. As quickly as it had started it was over. The huge once-dog lay dead on the floor, everything about its waist had been used to paint the room an ugly red, leaving behind just a pair of legs.

Even in its current state, whatever dark force had caused the monsters movements continued to try to heal its host. The skin on the legs of the beast, the only sizable remains left, rippled as it attempted to regenerate. However as soon as the rippling skin encountered one of the shards of metal from the rings that were forcefully implanted throughout the bloody stumps, it was forced back. Evidently whatever material the rings were made from was enough to stop its powers.

“Was that enough?” Summer asked, approaching me alongside Iron Will.

I looked at the squirming skin of the remains. Then over to the rubble of the throne, where the dark liquid that had caused all this was pooling in between some cracks. Somewhere in this mine there was a spring of that damn stuff, waiting for some unfortunate to come along and be tempted by it.

“Hmm…I reckon we are going to need a little bit more”

A few hours later I surveyed our work. Every single ring that we had been able to find in the storage room, as well as those that had been on all the unicorns, were piled up on top of the remains of the creature that had once been Redtooth. Sticks of dynamite stuck out of the pile at odd angles, their detonation tape spooling out and linked up to their counterparts at the foot of all the surviving pillars.

“Yeah…that should do it.” I stated, Summer and Iron nodding in agreement. We left the throne room, stepping over Irons discarded ballista, the giant crossbow now useless without any bolts left. Getting out of the mine was relatively easy, we just had to follow the trail of fuse wire. Dynamite had been placed in every cavern, in every tunnel and in every cave. The ponies had been eager to help, wanting to see this hellhole buried as much as I did.

We trudged along in silence, all of us exhausted by our ordeal. The blood on the side of my face had crusted up and I could see that Iron and Summer had also taken some wounds, presumably whilst retrieving the ballista. A nasty cut on one of Iron’s biceps was flowing freely whilst Summer was walking with a limp, carefully avoiding putting weight on her right foreleg.

I was bone weary myself, the adrenaline that had kept me going so far had worn off, leaving behind only exhaustion. I wanted nothing more than to collapse into the sweet embrace of sleep, but there were a couple more things to do here yet. Stepping outside, I took a deep breath of fresh air. It was good to be outside after all that. The ponies had already evacuated, along with several carts that had been repurposed as wagons. These carts held all of the belongings that the dogs had confiscated when they captured the ponies, as well as several loads of gems that the ponies felt that they had earned as compensation for their forced labour.

As for the dogs themselves they had also been evacuated and were now in a huddled circle, being carefully watched by many of the ponies. This actually made me feel good about this whole ordeal. The ponies had been through hell, been forced to work and to fight for these dogs amusement. Many of them had been beaten or harmed physically. All of them had been harmed psychologically. Yet they were unwilling to leave the dogs behind. Almost all human would have been quite happy to blow up the cave with the dogs trapped inside. Hell, at the moment I know I would…I’m not exactly Gandhi when I’m tired. The ponies were better than that though. They weren’t quite ready to forgive the dogs for all they had been put through, but neither were they going to stoop to their level and become ruthless monsters.

The three of us approached a detonation box that had been set up at a safe distant from the cave. A large red handle stuck out of the top, begging to be slammed down.

“Feels like a momentous occasion” Iron noted.

“Yeah…you think we should say something memorable?” Summer asked.

“Like what?”

“Oh I don’t know, something like ‘Slavery shall never prevail!’”

I thought for a moment before coming up with a phrase that encapsulated my entire feeling about this place. A phrase that would be whispered in places where tyranny reigned and revolutionaries dreamed.

“Fuck this hole.” I said, kicking my hoof down on the lever of the detonation box.

The explosions started with a muffled ‘whump’ from deep within the cave as the dynamite at the back went off. The sound of the explosions began to increase in both tempo and audibility as the explosives closer to the entrance began to go off. Standing outside of the cave as we were meant that we didn’t see much of the show. Just a few flashes of fire from within the cave followed by an a lot of dust shooting straight out. After the smoke had cleared, metaphorically speaking, the entire entrance to the cave had collapsed, leaving just a pile of mismatched rocks as the only evidence that an entire slavery operation once existed here.

Turning away from the ruins I approached the dogs, who were staring at their destroyed home in shock. All eyes focused on me as I approached though. I suppose I may have looked fairly intimidating to them, with Iron and Summer at my back. I had taken down their entire operation, defeated their champion, freed their prisoners and taken out their boss. I felt pretty good about it overall.

“Listen guys, here’s what’s going to happen. You're going to leave this place. You're going to start a new mine. You're going to be honest, hardworking dogs for the rest of your days. You're going to trade nicely with any ponies nearby. You're going to be respectable and upstanding canines who may one day redeem themselves for all this. And if you decide that it might be easier to slip into your old ways, then me and my friends here will find you. And we will come up with a dozen different ways to rip your heart out and show it to you. Trust me, I can get very creative when I want to. Understand?”

The dogs all nodded fearfully.

“Brilliant! Now then, you there. What’s your name?”

“H…Howler, sir”

“Very good. Howler, I’ve got some bad news. Redtooth is dead. I know, it’s a crying shame. But this might actually be good news for you…maybe. You see I’m electing you as the new Alpha. You’ll have all the power and responsibility that comes with such a position. The pack is going to follow you now, so they all look to you for guidance. And should you guide them poorly well…”

Iron Will cracked his knuckles, adding just the right amount of intimidation to my threat. He’s good, I wonder if they have to teach you how to be so scary. Maybe there’s a seminar I could take.

After being released the dogs took off across the plain with their metaphorical and, I realised, their literal tails between their legs. The ponies decided to set up camp here for the day so that any wounds could be seen to and we could all rest. Revolutions are tiring work. A small camp was swiftly erected, mainly consisting off a couple of fires and plenty of bed rolls.

I sat with my back to one of the carts, leaning against its wooden surface. I had been pleased to see that my pipe had survived all my tumbling about. It was now hanging limply from one side of my mouth, smoke rising from the cheerfully burning tobacco in the end. In my hands I held my broken off horn. I wasn’t really sure how I felt about it. Sure it was a recent addition to me but it was still part of me. I was still considering it, turning it over in my hands, when a voice nearly made me drop it.

“How you feeling?” Summer hand managed to sneak up on me whilst I was lost in my inspection.

“Strangely unsymmetrical, yourself?”

“I’m fine, glad to be out of there.” She lay down next to me, hooves folding up underneath her. Evidently Zende had given her something for her limp. He’d tried to give me something for the scratches on my face but I had threatened to stab him if he came any closer. I’d had quite enough of his medicine for one day.

“You know, when a minotaur loses a horn it is traditional to forge them into a mighty weapon. It is said that a horn weapon always knows its true owner, and will find a way to return to them if lost.” Iron Will had also approached now and was leaning quite casually against the cart, the wood letting out a groan as he placed his weight on it.

I looked at the horn again, turning it and examining it from every angle.

“I don’t know, I’m not really one for weapons. Though I admit they can be necessary. I’m just a more subtle kind of guy.”

“Yeah, we saw some examples of your subtlety today. Where did you learn to pick locks by the way? It isn’t a skill most honest hardworking ponies know.” Summer inquired, her eyes narrowing slightly.

I took my pipe out of my mouth and blew a ring of smoke around her face before replying

“It’s a good thing that I am neither honest, hardworking or a pony. Otherwise you lot would be pretty screwed, wouldn’t you?”

“I suppose” She admitted “But then why aren’t you out there celebrating and claiming your glory?”

“I told you, I’m a subtle kind of guy. I can make people focus on me when I’m on stage but outside of that I’d rather go unnoticed. It makes it much easier to do dishonest things if no one is looking at you.” She snorted at this, clearly not happy with me. Oh well, at least Iron seemed amused as he let out a deep chuckle at our back and forth.

“So how ‘bout it kid? Want me to forge you a horn weapon?” He asked.

“You know how to use a forge?”

“Of course I do! Minotaur’s are the finest metalworkers in all the world! Any town blacksmith would be honoured to have my presence grace his forge!” He declared boisterously.

“All right then big guy, see what you can do.” I tossed the horn up to him.

“Zende says we’re heading towards White Tail. A group this size will travel slowly so it will probably take us a couple of days to get there. They have a smithy there though. Nice guy. Should be able to get him to allow me to borrow his forge for a bit.”

We lapsed into silence, observing the ponies we had saved settling down for the night. I noticed that on the other side of the fire there were a group of foals that refused to settle down. The excitement of the day was too much for them and they were running around, hyperactive, completely out of control of the adults looking after them. Deciding that I wouldn’t be able to get a good night's sleep with so many annoying children nearby I elected to do something about it.

I stood up and reached into the cart I had just been leaning against, rummaging around for a minute before I found the item I had seen a stallion pack in earlier that day. It was a guitar, old and worn, but serviceable. I examined the instrument and made some quick adjustments until I was satisfied with the sound produced.

Stepping quietly over to a seat on the other side of the fire, close enough so that I could be seen and heard by the foals but not so close that I would look like I pedophile. After taking another puff of my pipe and blowing out a smoke ring I began to play a lullaby.

The foals seemed to have settled down, my song helping to put them at peace. Sure it may not have been the most appropriate lullaby and maybe it wasn’t the best thing to smoke around children as it might give them ideas. Judging by the glares I was getting from a number of the foals parents they agreed with this sentiment.

Oh well, I’m like a cornucopia of ungiven fucks right now and am way too tired to offload some of them onto judgmental parents. After replacing the guitar back in the cart I found it I trudged off to my bedroll and collapsed for the night.

And that's it. The end of the introductary story arc 'Wild Card'. Not to worry though, the tale will continue.

This introduction actually took way longer than I originally intended, almost double as many chapters, but I'm happy with how it turned out in the end. I got the characters introduced that needed to be, got them built up a bit, plenty of action and jokes. Even managed to get a couple of songs in there. Definitely my best work...so far.

I hope you continue to enjoy Aces adventures as he bumbles his way through one unimaginable horror after another.

Barrel-of-fun

Visions of the Future: Side Bets

I noticed that many of the popular Chessgame writers were doing these 'Visions of the Future' things so I decided to do my own. Hope you enjoy it.

I was pretty sure this wasn’t the most dangerous situation I had ever been in. In fact it wasn’t even the most dangerous situation I had been in in the last week.

Breaking into the lair of the Lord of Dragons had been dangerous.

Walking along a tightrope above the room where the Lord of Dragons was meeting with the one of the more powerful Diamond Dog Alphas had been even more so.

Copying the plans detailing dragon and allied dog troop movement without alerting a single guard to my presence, and then replacing said plans and re-locking the chest I had found them in, could best be described as ridiculously life threatening.

Stealing the dirigible of one of the diamond dogs had just been necessary though.

Still, even after all these feats of daring do, I couldn’t help but feel ever so slightly put off by the figures that were now moving about on deck. From my place concealed in the rigging of the airship I could see them hunting around, breaking open crates and searching for something, presumably me.

I had no idea where they had come from.The shadows on deck had suddenly begun to lengthen, growing arms and taking on a humanoid shade before wrenching themselves onto the three-dimensional plane. Dark blades had appeared in their hands, springing from their limbs as if they were a part of them. I was glad that I had left Iron and Summer behind for this mission, their stealth skills were sadly lacking and I was pretty sure these fellows weren’t very willing to take prisoners. The one standing at the helm of the ship, one shadowy tendril manipulating the wheel, looked like a particularly large specimen of shade. The light of the oil lantern seemed to be absorbed by his presence, the light fluttering bravely to stay lit.

Judging by the large shadow blade that was held casually in its other tendril it was probably quite a capable fighter as well. In a fair fight it would probably slaughter me in a moment.

Luckily, falling from the rigging of the ship hooves first and slamming into the creatures head didn’t count as a fair fight, in any sense of the word. The remains of the creature seemed to dissipate into nothingness underneath me, as if it was never even there. Not so luckily, the death of their commander seemed to alert the other creatures to my presence as they all swung about, swords drawn and shrieks coming from what could be questionably called their throats. Damn, time for some drastic measures.

I grabbed the oil lantern from its mounting and threw it at the shades on deck as they crowded around to get close to me, setting the first few on fire and forcing the others to shy away from the spreading flames. Flames that, quite unfortunately, spread to the rigging of the ship which led up to the very flammable gas bag.

Flammable gas bag…oh, damn it.

I swung the wheel wildly to one side, forcing the ship to swing around onto a collision course with a nearby mountain. Making sure that the plans were secure in their sealed case attached to my belt I bid a fond farewell to the shades.

“If I were you gentlemen, I would begin sending prayers to whatever thrice-dammed deity you freaks believe in! For our fates are no longer in our own hands!”

And with that I leapt off the edge of the ship, trusting my life to the luck that had guided me so well. Despite the wind whipping my hair around my face, I could just make out the blue smudge on the ground below me. Ground that was rushing up at a most uncomfortable speed.

I really, REALLY hope this works.

I angled my body against the wind, aiming it towards the blue smudge. At the least moment I changed my position so that I was straight as a pike, arms to my side and hooves pointing downwards. I broke the surface of the water smoothly, with barely a ripple.

A few minutes later I managed to dredge myself out of the lake, soaking wet and with various unsanitary lake creatures in my hair. I carefully extracted the live fish that had got itself stuck in my mouth, throwing it over my shoulder and back into the water.

I drew the plans from their position on my belt, checking them to make sure they hadn’t been damaged in the fall. Thankfully they were still in one piece, although considering the creatures I had just encounter I fear that dragons and diamond dogs are going to be the least of our troubles pretty soon. Oh well, they may still be of some use. Better get them to a Dairy outpost, if anyone can make good use of these plans, it’s Missy.

I was disturbed to find that I had lost my horn knife in the fall. That knife had been with me through a lot and had saved my life more times than I could count. Iron Will had said that a horn knife always knows its true owner and would always find a way back. I didn’t hold out much hope though.

I heard a hissing sound, followed by a ‘Thud’. Whirling round, I was confronted with an unusual sight. A snake had been sneaking up on me, wrapping around a tree branch and getting ready to strike when its attack had been interrupted by a knife falling from the sky and impaling it through the head. The curved blade leading up to a handle made entirely from horn bone.

"Oh, that was nice” I grabbed the knife from the snakes corpse, cleaning it off before returning it to its rightful place. I withdrew my pipe from a pouch, quickly filling and lighting it and then taking a quick puff to celebrate my survival.

After licking a finger and holding it up to the wind I set off in a random direction I hoped was the way to New Canterlot, a distant explosion reaching my ears as the burning airship collided with the side of a mountain.

Okay, I apologize for hitting you with an interlude chapter like this. It's just whilst I try to get my shit together for the next story arc, after this it's back to longer chapters.

Promise,
Barrel-of-fun

In Good Company

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex

Wow, that was a really weird dream. Something about burning airships…?

I tried to hold on to the dream but the memory of it slipped away, leaving me with the notion that I had forgotten something important. I rolled off my bedroll with a groan, realising that last night I had been too tired to remove my belt and as a result all of the pouches had painfully dug into me during the night, leaving me bruised and sore.

I was surprised to note that I appeared to be the last one in camp to get up. All the ponies were wide awake, a spring in their step as their trotted about doing various chores. Zende stood over a fire, mixing what I hope is some kind of soup, whilst the other ponies packed up the camp. I saw that the foals I had sung to last night were being looked after by none other than Summer Storm and Iron Will. The usually stern mare and the huge minotaur looking ridiculously out of place among the bouncing children. Iron appeared be recounting an epic tale of one of his travels whilst Summer provided a light show courtesy of her magic.

My stomach rumbled in protest to warn me of my negligence towards it so I decided to throw caution to the wind and walked towards Zende, hoping he hadn’t cooked up some kind of poison.

“Hey Zende, what’s on the menu for today?”

“Gruel and bread. It‘s all the dogs had beside gems.”

“Well that is just…exhilarating.” I sighed and consigned myself to eating the meal, which was surprisingly good. When he wasn’t killing people with medicine it turned out that Zende was actually a fairly good cook. Admittedly it was still gruel, a meal whose very name exudes dullness, but he had managed to add some spices to it to make it suck slightly less.

By the time I had finished eating, the ponies had the camp completely packed up and were ready to set out. If the ponies wanted to do all the chores I wasn’t about to complain, I had just saved all their lives for Christ sake I figure they owe me one.

When we set off I found myself at the front of the group with Iron and Summer. I also found myself very quickly bored. There was nothing to do but walk and walk and occasionally watch other people walk. I amused myself by juggling random items whilst I walked but even that lost its interest after a couple of hours. I eventually found myself doing the thing that absolutely no one should do whilst travelling.

Trying to get everyone to sing a song.

"You gotta put one hoof in front of the other,
and then after that, you put down another,
and that's how you walk down a road!"

“Ace!”

“What?”

“Shut up!”

I sighed and complied with their wish, but the urge to sing remained, taunting me and tempting me to go along with its dark ways. Damn you temptation! I shall not fall to you! My will is as strong as steel and I shall resist you!

"My hooves are aching,
and the sun is baking,
as we walk down this long, long road.
I got the blues,
I got the walking a long way blues."

“Ace! What have we told you?!”

And that’s the tale of how Summer and Iron stopped letting me walk with them. I was now closer to the middle of the herd, next to the cart which the foals were riding in. Their parents had insisted that they be given lifts as they were far too young to be walking so far. Judging by the looks on the faces of the stallions pulling the wagon they considered this to be a bad idea. The children, being carried along all day with no draining exercise and no entertainment, had an excess of energy and nothing to spend it on. Naturally they had made the lives of everyone around them a living hell.

I sighed nostalgically. They remind me of when I was a kid. Boundless curiosity and energy. Willing to do whatever it takes to entertain myself.

Can’t say that I’ve really matured at all.

Feeling kind of bad for the children’s predicament I decided to intervene and use my incredible skills for the greater good. I started off simply doing sleight of hand tricks to amuse them, pulling a coin from behind their ears and various card tricks. It wasn’t long before the entire cartful of foals were staring at me with wide eyes, marvelling at my tricks. I noticed with some amusement that I had also attracted the attention of some of the older ponies as well. After all, everybody loves a magic show.

The foals, as well as being an attentive audience, were also a demanding one and it wasn’t long before I was breaking out some of my more complex tricks to keep their attention. I juggled knives and flaming brands, I did cartwheels and front flips, I balanced a tower of objects on my head whilst singing the national anthem. I’m pretty sure I ended up using every trick in my arsenal just to keep them amused but I did it. I managed to keep them from annoying their parents for the entire day so that, by the time we came to sleep again, the older ponies were all too happy to look after them for a while. I could see that they had appreciated the effort I had put in to helping them. That night I received many thanks from tired looking parents as well as a larger helping of food, generously donated by the stallions assigned to pulling the children’s cart. I had saved them from the terror of excitable children and for that they were eternally grateful.

The next day consisted of the same activates as the previous day, a whole lot of walking. We had reached Weaver Woods, my original landing point in Equestria, and I can’t say the scenery has changed too much. It’s still a beautiful, natural forest. Only now it is infested with ponies. My efforts to amuse the children yesterday had been rewarded and I was now allowed to walk with Iron and Summer again, leaving some other poor sap to suffer the foals boredom. It wasn’t long before I found myself under interrogation by them.

“So, what did you do before getting captured?” Summer inquired, all politeness and smiles. I know your game you crafty mare, you won’t get anything out of me.

“Oh a bit of this, a bit of that. Primarily, street performance.”

“Really? Because, no offence intended, but your quite an unusual creature. I’m sure I would have heard about someone like you doing shows.” She replied.

“Aye, I can’t say I’ve ever heard of you on the performance circuit, and I’ve been around a while.” Iron added.

“You won’t have, I’m not from around here.”

“Define ‘here’” Summer demanded.

“I’m not from this continent, my homeland is far away and across the sea.” It wasn’t exactly the truth but I don’t really want them to know just how far away from home I really am.

“How did you get here? And why did you leave?” Iron asked.

“Leaving wasn’t exactly my choice, I was exiled for a crime I didn’t commit. They put me in a boat and pushed me out to sea, the only things I could keep were the tools of my trade. After a few days of drifting I washed up on the coast and began to travel inland. Wasn’t long before I ran into Summer here and our adventures began.” I lied smoothly, they had no way of confirming this and it matched everything they knew about me. They had no chance of seeing through that.

“What was the crime you were accused of?” The ever perceptive Summer asked.

Oh damn! Didn’t think of that.

“…Disrespecting royalty, back home they take the royal family very seriously.” Not entirely a lie either. I wasn’t exactly a royalist myself but I had met some Brits who were damn near fanatical about the Queen.

“Actually I can see you doing something stupid like that.”

“Yeah, that’s totally believable.” Iron piped up again.

…I can’t help but agree with them.

Great, now even my subconscious has turned against me.

“So how about you guys?” I asked, trying to change the subject, “what’s your story?”

They looked at each other, clearly nervous about telling their tale. Finally, Summer worked up the courage to talk.

“I grew up in Manehatten, did some stupid things when I was younger before I ended up joining the Equestrian National Guard. Whilst on a routine patrol I got lost in the woods and was picked up by the Diamond Dogs. You know the rest.”

That was quite possibly the most condensed life story I’ve ever heard. Evidently Summer has some communication issues.

“Okaaay…How ‘bout you Iron? You got an interesting back story?”

“Not really. I grew up in the volcanic wastes to the south as part of the Gorehorn tribe. Became part of the warrior caste and rose to the rank of Head Warrior. Eventually felt the tribe was constraining me and set out on my own. Ended up becoming a travelling monster hunter for a while before settling down into the comfortable life of a travelling seminar teacher, passing on my knowledge of determination and assertiveness to others. A while ago I got a shock when I realised that I had become too assertive and was actually hurting some ponies. I had become a monster so scary that no one would dare to disagree with me. It took a small yellow doormat of a pony standing up to me to show me the truth. I decided to go on a pilgrimage to try and find myself again, ended up falling asleep near the Northern border one night and woke up in a cage. You can probably guess the rest.”

“…Iron, you and I have two very different definitions of ‘interesting’. Are you telling me that you used to be a professional monster hunter?”

“Well, I’m not sure if you could call it a profession, it doesn’t really pay that well, it was really more of a hobby. At the time I gained the majority of my bits through weaving decorative baskets. I was actually really good at it, ponies would pay well for one of my hand woven baskets.”

I was literally speechless. Well at least this explains why Iron Will had a basket on him when he went to get his money from Fluttershy. The rest of the trip passed in a similar manner, Summer and I persistently questioning Iron about his past adventures. Tales of the minotaur’s life caused the journey to go surprisingly swiftly and it wasn’t long before we arrived in White Tail.

The town certainly lived up to the ‘White’ part of its name. Each house appeared to be made from carved marble blocks, giving the town the look of a pearl from a distance. It was only when we got closer that I started to notice that all that glitters is not gold. The towns defences were large and, unlike the rest of the town, looked far more practical than pretty. A large marble wall circled the town, defence towers built into the wall being manned by keen-eyed guards. When we were less than a mile from the town, the main gate opened up and a contingent of guards stormed out on thundering hooves. They formed a line in front of us, preventing further advance with a wall of metal and muscle. One of them stepped forwards to address the refugee herd.

“Who are you and what is your purpose here in White Tail?”

I nudged Summer forward, indicating that she should be the one to talk. It was probably best if the ponies saw someone they knew, rather than a freaky alien. I’m nothing if not considerate of others.

“Corporal Summer Storm, Equestrian National Guard, reporting in. These are refugees from a Diamond Dog slaving camp. We seek sanctuary inside your town until they can be processed and returned home.”

The leader of the guards considered this for a bit whilst he looked over our group. Eventually he decided to answer Summers request in a jovial tone.

“Captain Steel Mane, Equestrian National Guard, it’s a pleasure to see you alive Corporal, we were informed of your disappearance and asked to keep an eye out. The boys back at Command aren’t going to believe that you not only returned but brought over fifty ponies back with you. It will be our honour to help all these ponies out, as soon as we process and interview them all.”

Summer frowned at this, her muzzle down turning into a distinctly unhappy expression as her eyes turned steely.

“Sir, with respect, I would like to get these ponies inside and fed as soon as possible. They have been travelling all day and have foals among their number. They are tired and they are hungry. They deserve good food and the chance to rest, not to be interrogated like some kind of captured spy.”

“Corporal, you forget yourself.” His voice had lost all its joviality and had turned cold at Summers rebuke. “We have a situation here on the border, reports of changelings sneaking around, got to make sure that everyone is who they say they are. Their main attack may have failed but the blighters are still out there, and it’s my job to make sure they don’t get another chance to invade.”

Summer calmed down at his explanation, though she was still not overly happy about it. I can’t say I was very happy either. These guards are on the lookout for anything strange and unusual, and I’m about the most unusual thing around here at the moment.

As the guards began to lead ponies away for questioning, a feeling in my gut told me that there would be a lot of problems in the future.

Or maybe I’m just hungry.

The Show Must Go On

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex

I knew it had to happen eventually, and that by hiding at the back of the crowd I was only delaying the inevitable, but still as the guards were leading me away to the interrogation room, I couldn’t help but feel that I had made a mistake by staying.

I totally should have legged it.

My two guards escorted me to the room and left me there, with nothing but a chair and a table to amuse me. Fortunately it wasn’t long until Captain Steel Mane entered, apparently these ponies didn’t know how to let a suspect stew for a while. I’ve been in interrogations before, by both the police and less savoury individuals, and one thing that an interrogator must always do is be patient. Allow the suspect to imagine all the horrible things that might happen to them, because their imaginations are far more powerful tools than any amount of questioning or beatings.

The Guard Captain took a seat opposite me and placed a folder full of papers in front of him as well as a small pouch. Why did he bring a folder? He can’t have that much information on me can he? I bet he just did it to look impressive. Well you can’t fool me Mr Mane, I’ve got your number. Nothing can get past me.

“The reports from the other refugees we’ve interviewed so far have said that you are partly responsible for their escape. I don’t think I believe them though, you don’t look like much. Care to give me your version of events?”

Oh yeah, the other refugees. Totally forgot about them. That could mess up my plans to lie horribly to this fine gentleman. Hmm, new plan. Time to blow this guy out of the water.

Pinkie Pie Style!

I took a deep breath, drawing in as much precious oxygen as I could. I would need it for what I was about to attempt. When I could draw in no more I began.

“It was so exciting! I was walking through some woods and then I ran into this nice mare! ‘Ran into’ in the literal sense as we quite literally ran into each other! It was hilarious! But then these mean dogs came along and took us to their cave, they seemed very unhappy. Everyone else there seemed unhappy as well. Then I met this nice minotaur called Iron Will, only he seemed a little angry at the time, and we played a wonderful game of tag. I won. Then I got to meet all the other ponies but they weren’t happy either. So I decided that I needed to cheer them up and throw them a party! But the mean dogs had taken away all my party equipment. And you can’t have a party without party equipment! That would just be silly! There would be no balloons! No piñata! No streamers! So I decided to sneak out and get some supplies, but everyone else decided to follow me as well! That was just rude, it was supposed to be a surprise party! But then I got to meet some foals and they were just adorable. Then Redtooth, king of the meanies, arrived and I was all like ‘SURPRISE!’ only he didn’t seem very nice and was all like ‘I don’t like surprises grrr’ Then my friends arrived and Redtooth must not have been feeling very well because he decided to lie down only it seemed like he couldn’t make his mind up because he got up again a few seconds later and was all like ‘GRR NOW I’M REALLY MAD!’ and he tried to kick us out but he must have just been feeling a little grumpy because after I gave him one of my special party poppers he calmed right down!”

The captain was stunned, sitting there with her jaw hanging open. Occasionally he would try to form words but just spluttered off into nothing. Evidently he had never dealt with the full force of Pinkie Pie before, the unprepared didn’t stand a chance against it. Eventually he managed to get his brain working again.

“…Yes…that matches what the other reports say…kind of. Just one more test to pass.” He reached into the bag in front of him and pulled out a perfectly round sphere which appeared to glow with an inner light. He held it in his hoof and reached out towards me, the light shining brighter the closer it got. He stared at it, looking slightly disappointed. “Alright, I suppose your free to go, just don’t cause any trouble in my town.”

“Okay dokie lokie” I replied cheerfully, still channelling my inner Pinkie Pie. The captain was swift to release me, perhaps fearing that I would start talking again. As I left the guard station I saw Iron and Summer waiting on a bench nearby, the small unicorn looking hilariously out of place next to the huge minotaur. They waved me over when they saw me.

“Hey Ace, didn’t expect you out so quickly. Figured they’d have you in there all day.” Iron said.

“Yeah, how exactly did you get out from under the captains hoof?” Summer added.

“It was quite easy really, I just remembered something a very hyperactive friend taught me a long time ago. It's quite easy to get away with stuff so long as everyone thinks you have no idea what’s going on. No one bothers to keep tabs on the person they think is just a silly excitable fool.”

Pinkie, you have taught me well.

“That’s actually surprisingly cunning of you. Didn’t know you had it in you kid.” Iron commented with a wry grin.

“I’m just full of surprises aren’t I? So now that we aren’t being viciously attacked, what are you guys planning on doing next?”

“I’m going to report in with the guard and get any updates on the situation. I’ve been away too long, need to get back in the loop.” Well I guess that means Summer’s gone.

“Oh…okay, how about you Iron?”

“Going to find the local blacksmith and borrow his forge, the sooner you get a weapon the sooner you can start defending yourself. Can’t let you be going off undefended, you clearly can’t handle yourself.”

“I can so handle myself!…so you’re both leaving?”

“Aye, that’s the plan.” He responded.

I tried not to look too downcast at this, I shouldn’t have really expected any better. The problem that had followed me throughout life and had even followed me to another universe.

Performers don’t have friends. Just audiences.

We show off our tricks and people love and adore us, they pay money to see us and throw roses at our feet. But it is a false love, a fleeting love. The crowds eventually tire of you and leave to find newer, more exciting entertainment. The money disappears and the roses wither and eventually the cycle repeats. A new crowd, new roses but the same old story.

As I watch Iron and Summer walk away to go about their respective duties I feel that sharp pain in my chest, the same pain I feel at the end of every show I’ve ever done. Loneliness. They’ve left me and I am alone again. The performer is tired and broken.

But the show must go on.

Realising I may be getting a tad melodramatic I put my mask back on, a cheery smile to cover painful eyes, and head off down the main street, to where I can here the sounds of a bustling market. Perhaps I can drive away the pain with some light entertainment.

The market itself was a cacophony of shouts and cries. The calls of the stall owners as they announced their product to the writhing mass of multi-coloured bodies that made up the crowd. The shouts of the customers as they haggled, attempting to be heard over everyone else. I saw stalls for more kinds of fruits and vegetables than I could possibly count; carrots, apples, bananas, even broccoli. They all had their own personal stall as each trader sold something different.

It was a criminally inefficient way of setting out a marketplace.

Most human markets will only have one, maybe two, vegetable stalls and these stalls will sell all kinds of greens. The way the ponies did it meant you had ten times as many stall and half as much variety. Twilight would be gravely disappointed by this lack of organization.

I was hesitant about entering the crowd, its encompassing embrace would give me very little room to manoeuvre and next to no places to escape from. The was also the minor problem that I was something unique and possibly scary to the ponies. Although now that I think about it that hadn’t been such a big deal so far, maybe the ponies weren’t as xenophobic as everyone thought they were. This calls for some investigation.

“Excuse me miss,” I addressed a passing purple pony, “You wouldn’t happen to notice anything odd about me would you?”

“Well, I suppose you’re a bit different.” The mare said in a confused tone.

“But not scary?”

“Oh my no. You don’t look very scary at all. I mean this in the nicest possible way but I don’t see you as being capable of doing me any harm. You just don’t look very fearsome, although I suppose that broken horn does add a certain amount of dashing mystery to you but still…just not that scary.”

“Okay...thanks for the help I guess.” I wasn’t sure how exactly to feel about this. I so can be scary…I just don’t want to right now is all.

“Your welcome, glad to be of help.” The mare said before trotting away. So, not only are the ponies not overly xenophobic but they are also quite polite. I suppose they might be scared of something with huge teeth or giant claws but that’s not really racism, that’s logical.

I pondered the mares words for a while, taking a seat on a park bench so that I could get some serious pondering done. Deciding that I didn’t quite look pensive enough I added to the effect by chewing on my pipe and stroking an imaginary beard.

Oh yeah, now there’s some serious philosophising going on here.

I liked to think that I, whilst certainly no body builder, at least had some vestige of muscles about my person. They were just…well hidden. I liked to describe my build as wiry, but others seemed to prefer the term ‘wimpy’, or perhaps lean, once again my peers decided ‘stick-thin’ was a better adjective. I had worked hard to cultivate the look of a devilish rogue, both for the benefit of my show and the benefit of the ladies, yet here in Equestria they had entirely different concepts of beauty and I didn’t seem to factor into them. I wondered about my prospects in the future, being unable to use my charms to woo any ladies who get in my way.

Somehow I think I will survive.

All this introspection is really hurting my ego, best stop before I say something I’ll regret, like perhaps having an Ace of Spades tattooed under one eye makes me look a bit like a thespian.

I’ll make you eat those words!

Quiet Inner Me, there appears to be shit going down.

I wasn’t just saying that to shut my subconscious up either, something appeared to be happening to the crowd in front of me. It started of as a subtle ripple, slowly escalating until it reached the point where ponies were leaping to clear the path for whatever was coming through. Could it be some kind of warrior, feared and respected, or was it perhaps somepony of nobility, maybe even royalty, paying a visit to this small town?

A few seconds later I got my answer and my guesses, whilst reasonable, were proven completely wrong. Striding confidently through the gap in the crowd, towering over the ponies, was a honest to god human. A woman to be specific, with long golden hair and a fair complexion as pale as the moon. Her skin was smooth and her body was wonderfully toned, giving her the appearance of an athlete of some kind. The swaying of her hips spoke volumes about her confidence whilst the fact that she was mostly nude spoke even louder about her sex appeal. The only clothes she was wearing was a two piece bikini which under closer inspection, very close inspection, appeared to be made entirely of money. British money to be precise.

My pipe tumbled from my loose lips and hit the ground at my hooves as my entire posture slumped into the stance known as ‘drooling idiot’. Similar stances were being adopted by all the stallions in the crowd, whilst the mares looked on in some annoyance, some of them smacking a nearby stallion over the head to try and break them out of their trance. I barely had time to notice the ponies reactions before my eyes were dragged back to the human and held there against their will. The flaxen haired beauty walked right past me, barely even glancing at my love struck expression, before she sauntered away, hips still swinging, and turned a corner.

The moment she was out of sight I found myself about to let out a wistful sigh before I managed to stop it from escaping. The Amazing Ace does not wistfully sigh. This is an imperative rule of the universe that all beings must know. I do not long for anything. Other things long for me.

Something fishy is going on in White Tail, and I’m going to get to the bottom of it, but there is one important order of business to get down to before I start investigating a mystery. What famous detective should I pretend to be whilst I go about my investigations?

Am I more like Sherlock Holmes or Hercule Poirot? Or maybe Scooby Doo?

I reached down and picked up my pipe of the floor, cleaning it off with one hand before setting it back in my mouth. Probably terribly unhygienic but I’ve got more important issues to deal with. As I set off after my prey I realised the answer to my conundrum almost immediately.

I’ve got a pipe and am British, definitely going with Sherlock Holmes. Be a crime not to.

I took a quick nibble at my pipe, pretending to contemplate a mystery of intricate complexity.

“The game is afoot!” I exclaimed, drawing some strange looks from nearby ponies, probably wondering what a ‘foot’ was.

Can I get a big cheer for character exposition? Yeah!

.....no? Your saying you all want comedy and adventure?

*looks at tags*

Huh, then I suppose comedy and adventure is what you shall get. Enjoy the new arc 'Mystery in White Tail'.

God, that sounds like a Scooby Doo episode. The hell is wrong with me?

Barrel-of-fun

Ace Detective

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex
fireshadow11

Tracking my target was surprisingly easy, all I had to do was follow the tail of drooling stallions. Actually figuring out where she was going was another thing entirely. Having absolutely no previous experience with the village didn’t exactly help either. She seemed to meander at random through the village, I’m pretty sure we just passed the bench where this wild goose chase started.

At least I got to admire that ass whilst I followed her.

It’s not stalking, it’s investigating. There’s a difference.

The only constant throughout my tailing of the mysterious human was that wherever she went she drew the attention of all the stallions, and several mares. However as soon as she was out of sight it was as if a spell was broken. All her fans would let out a wistful sigh before returning to their duties or, in the case of several unfortunate couples, be berated by their partner.

As the evidence of foul play mounted up so did my suspicions that this human was no human at all.

A human in Equestria? That’s completely ridiculous.

This may require more investigation than simply following her and seeing what happens. I may actually have to ask questions and deduce facts based on reasonable evidence.

That’s boring! Can’t I just blow something up instead and call it a day?

I considered this option for a while but ended up discarding it for several reasons. One, the guards would probably be pissed if I caused any trouble, especially as I had been specifically warned against it. Two, I’m in the middle of a town and innocent ponies could get hurt. Three, elephants are the only mammals that can’t jump. Four, I used up all my dynamite blowing up the Diamond Dog cave.

I feel that not all my reasons may be relevant.

Regardless, I’ll have to leave my stalking for now so that I can ask some questions. Witnesses shouldn’t be too hard to find, damn near the entire stallion population of the town were drooling at the sight of her. She didn’t exactly go unnoticed. Why were they drooling though? That’s going to be my first question.

“Excuse me, sir,” I stated, approaching a nearby pegasus stallion “ but if I may intrude. What exactly do you find sexually attractive about that woman?”

“…nice…wings…” He managed to reply, barely breaking from his stupor. Okay, that’s more than a bit odd. I tried again, this time asking a unicorn.

“Excuse me, but what is it about her that gets your jimmies rustled?”

“Long horn…” He replied, almost zombie-like.

Hmm, I’m beginning to form a theory, but I need more proof.

“Sir, care to tell me what exactly it is about that woman that makes you walk in an odd and embarrassing way?”

“Nice flank…”

“And you sir, what does she have that would bring all the boys to the yard?”

“Covered in jam…”

My theory is proven correct, ponies have some weird kinks. I’m glad that I understand that now, I feel that this investigation has really been a breakthrough for the social sciences.

…Also that mare appears to be using some kind of spell to make stallions see what they want to see in her.

I thought about what I’d seen, the raven haired beauty in the expensive lingerie. I’m not sure what the fact she was wearing money as a bra says about my personality, but I’m fairly certain it isn’t very complimentary. Maybe I should ask some of the mares, the ones that aren’t joining in the drooling session, what they see.

“Sorry to bother you miss, but I was wondering if you could tell me who that was mare was?”

“Oh no, are you obsessed with her as well?”

“No, just a little curious.”

“Hmm, alright then. Her name is Swirling Runes and she’s quickly becoming the bane of this town.”

“Why?”

“Well look at her, look at what she does to all the stallions. She used to be just a plain little unicorn but then one day. BAM! Complete makeover. Suddenly she’s attracting all the attention and I can’t even get a male to look at me when she’s around. It’s getting to be unbearable!”

“That’s very…erm…informative.” Not going to lie, this mare’s enthusiasm was ever so slightly creepy.

“So, are you intending to do something about her? Maybe…take care of our little problem?”

“Lady, you’re being deliberately ambiguous. That could mean anything, you could want me to kill her, or take her out to a nice restaurant, or maybe even uncover how exactly she is seducing everyone. Who do you think I am?! Do you really think I would just go about doing such things recklessly?!”

“…yes?”

“You would be correct, Random Mare, I totally intend to do that. Not the killing thing, I mean the finding out how she’s seducing ponies thing. I’m not a monster.”

“Okaaaaaay…you have fun with that…” The rather hesitant sounding mare backed off, which disappointed me slightly. Where’d all that powerful emotion go?

Ponies are such wimps, they never fully commit to stalking someone relentlessly until you find out their every secret.

“One more thing, miss, before you flee in terror would you be able to point me in the direction of Swirling Rune’s house?” I wasn’t really expecting much here, I’ll admit that wasn’t my smoothest line ever. Yet the mare was perfectly willing to pause in her attempts to subtly escape and gave me precise directions to my target, before hyperventilating slightly and running off.

Okay, so they might be a bit wimpy but they are really big on the social niceties. Really polite folk.

It would probably be quite easy to exploit that. I’ll keep that in mind.

The directions that the mare gave me took me to a small two story house on the edge of town. Like the rest of the town it was made out of white marble, making it look like a pearl. However if this house were a pearl then it would probably come from the oyster that all the other oysters feel slightly ashamed to be around. The oyster that ruins any social situations and tends to get way too up in your face about stuff.

You know the oyster I mean.

Anyway, the house's white surface was cracked and dirty, its windows covered in grime to the point where they no longer functioned for their intended purpose. Underneath one of the windows there was what once might have been a plant pot, but now looked more like a mad scientists attempt to cultivate a miniature jungle. The door was a grotty piece of wood with a shoddy paint job, the red paint clashing horribly with the white walls that surrounded it and causing the tarnished door handle to look horribly obtrusive.

I am no architect but even I can tell that fixing this place would take more than just a new coat of paint.

Enough sightseeing, break into the goddamn house already.

Is that my criminal urges speaking? God, what a pushy bitch. Disregarding the demanding nature of my subconscious I got to work assessing the best point of entry into the house. The window on the upper floor looked like the easiest way in, its dilapidated frame indicating the lack of a well-maintained lock. It would be quite easy to get up there as well, although it would be much easier if I had feet. Hooves aren’t exactly built for wall climbing but luckily the cracked wall provided plenty of purchase for climbing.

When I reached the second story window I was pleasantly surprised to find it unlocked, I really shouldn’t have been surprised though. This place didn’t exactly look like it was worth burgling. Not needing to pick the lock, I simply forced the window up and clambered through, laying eyes on the interior of a White Tail house for the first time.

The inside what shockingly different, to the point of it being rather jarring. Whilst the exterior attempted to portray a sort of villa style look, with white walls and red tiled roofs, the interior was more akin to that of a medieval cottage, with wooden floors and timbers holding up the roof. Apparently the marble exterior was supposed to give of an air of wealth whilst the interior retained the quaint comfort of the country lifestyle. It seemed a lot of effort to go to just to look impressive to tourists.

Vanity thy name is ponies.

I appear to have broken into Swirling Runes bedroom, if the neatly made bed and the wardrobes were anything to go by. A thick layer of dust covered the room, as if it hadn’t been disturbed in some time, causing my hooves to leave distinctive marks with every step I took. I wonder if Runes is the type of pony to keep evidence of her misdoings in her bedroom but it seems a bit unlikely. I don’t think anyone actually does that. A quick search was all it took to prove me right. All I found was some dress saddles, books on magical theory and some rather tatty magazines with pictures of stallions posing on the front which, now that I think about it, could well have been the pony equivalent of porn.

Leaving the bedroom behind for the moment, I continued my investigation downstairs, the cottage-style interior continuing with a homely living room. I nearly lost my balance as the rug, a horrid green thing that was probably bought by someone’s grandma as a gift, tried to slip out from under me. I only managed to stay upright by grabbing hold of a nearby table that was covered in various statues of cats. Overall the entire place looked like it belonged to a little old lady, possibly a kindly grandmother. Some people are just born to be old and evidently Swirling Runes was one of them. I’ve never been a big fan of old people, I don’t hate them or anything it’s just that they creep me out a bit. Looking at them is like looking into your own future, you can’t help but wonder if you are going to end up like that. Unable to walk fully or dance or sing.

I hate being reminded of my own mortality.

There did appear to be a few things out of place under close inspection. One of the tables, one of the few not covered in various statues, was straining under the weight of the pile of unopened mail on top of it. I understand that sometimes people don’t want to answer a letter but that’s a bit ridiculous. In addition, the cobwebs in the rafters were far larger than any self-respecting granny would ever allow them to be. Cobwebs of a certain size were fine, and could often add a hint of mystery to a room, but those webs looked like something out of a fantasy movie. Any moment now a giant spider would descend and display its horrible mandibles.

I waited a few seconds.
…
Then waited a few more.

The complete lack of giant spider was rather disappointing actually, I went through all the trouble of building up tension and this world refuses to comply with my sense of theatrics. Enough messing about, the hunt continues. The unread mail, combined with the fact that such large webs were allowed to grow, not to mention the amount of dust I’ve inhaled so far, indicates that this house hasn’t been properly lived in for some time. Yet that mare in the street seemed adamant that this was the home of Swirling Runes, who was always seen strutting around town. So where exactly is Swirling Runes?

I got my answer a few seconds later when I heard the door creaking open.

I had to act fast, I only had a few seconds before whoever was at the door would enter and catch me in the act. Remembering the newfound power of my goat legs I decided to put them to some use. I crouched down to build up as much tension as possible in my legs before releasing it all in an explosion of muscle that sent my flying upwards. My arms flailed out and managed to find purchase on one of the dusty rafters, my legs swinging to the side to hook around the rafter before pulling the rest of my body up. I held on tight to the beam of wood and tried hard not to sneeze from all the dust. In my experience people, and I hope this applies to ponies as well, very rarely check what is above them, being far too concerned with what is going on in front of them.

From my position concealed above I got a good view of the figure that entered the room. It was the same human from earlier and I, as a gentleman, tried my hardest not to use my elevated position to stare down her top. I like to think that I succeeded in this, though I’m deluding myself slightly. I’m sure that any other reasonable human being would do the same if they got such a great angle of a beautiful woman…or man depending on their preferences and gender.

The beauty below me paused by one of the few empty tables and began to do something very unusual. She began to glow, a light blue that emanated from inside of her, before slowly dissolving into light and disappearing entirely. In her place was a pale peach unicorn mare with a turquoise blue mane. I was far from being an expert on the pony form but she looked to be slightly pudgier than most of the other ponies I had seen around town. Held in a magical grip in front of her was a bronze necklace, which would have been a fairly plain looking piece of jewelry if it wasn’t for the shining bright sapphire set into the front of it. The mare gently placed the necklace on a table before going over to a bookshelf set against one wall, presumably to pick out a piece of reading material.

So I was a bit surprised when, instead of choosing a light novel to read, she surrounded the entire bookcase in a magical field and lifted it to one side, revealing a door that had been hidden behind it. The doorknob was encompassed in a light blue glow, the same colour as the unicorns mane, and the door was slowly opened to display a staircase leading downwards into darkness. The mare made her way down the stairs, horn still glowing, before shutting the door behind her and leaving me alone in the room.

I couldn’t believe it. Honestly, I had seen some weird stuff in the last few days but this really took the cake. I never thought I would see something this unusual.

A door hidden behind a bookcase. How cliché is that?

Still despite how horribly that made me feel like I was in an episode of Scooby Doo, I couldn’t help but notice that the mare had left her magic necklace behind. Within easy stealing reach of a certain handsome satyr. I slowly lowered myself down from my hiding place before letting go, the sound of my hooves hitting the floor muffled by the thick rug. I crept carefully over to the object of my desire, carefully not to make a sound or bump any of the statue-laden tables. Reaching down, I grasped the bronze necklace and lifted it up for closer inspection. The necklace itself appeared to be very shoddily made, bits of it had clearly been left too long in the smelting process. It was the centrepiece of the necklace that really captured my attention. A bright blue sapphire, as big as my fist, and glowing gently with a internal light that caught the eye and refused to let it go. When I lifted it to my ear I could hear a quiet humming noise, like electrical energy running through a circuit. Clearly this object was the source of the town's troubles, it was practically my civic duty to make sure this thing couldn’t be misused any more.

And if that involves me stealing this beautiful sapphire then that is a sacrifice that I’m willing to make.

Necklace still clutched in my hand, I made my way for the door. Intent on getting out before anything went wrong, in fact this might well be the smoothest heist I’ve ever pulled. I got in, I got the target, I got out. Simplicity itself.

Of course, it was almost as if merely thinking such optimistic thoughts would cause Murphy’s Law to kick in. The moment I crossed the threshold of the house on my way out the necklace in my hand flashed, strange emerald fire spewing out from the sapphire in a pulse of green light. I froze, staring at the object in my hand that had just betrayed me. I don’t know exactly what it did but I knew that it couldn’t be good.

“Well, what do we have here?” A sickly sweet voice said from behind me.

I should really stop trying to rob villains. It never seems to work out very well.

Silver Tongued Trickster

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex
fireshadow11

They really rescued this chapter. I'm not sure if I was just tired whilst writing or my hands decided to try and revolt against me but whatever the reason, the chapter was absolutely covered with errors. Thanks guys, you once again have saved me from looking like a completely incompetent writer.

"Well, what do we have here?”

I froze and slowly turned around to face the owner of the rather coy voice. Swirling Rune was standing in the middle of the room, a smirk on her face and her horn glowing with magic. Apparently the necklace had some kind of magical alarm on it.

Sometimes I hate magic, especially my complete lack of it.

“Hey, I’m with technical support. This magical item appears to be malfunctioning so I have been sent out to fix it.”

“…You don’t honestly expect me to believe that do you?”

“If you have any further inquiries please contact our main office on hotline number 0800-eat-a-dick.”

Smooth, real smooth.

Her horn flared with a blue light that engulfed my torso, effectively trapping me in place. She appeared to be trying to maintain a calm demeanour but I could see the anger behind her flashing green eyes. She stalked slowly towards me, her rear swinging in an attempt at a confident strut that simply looked ridiculous on her podgy frame.

“You appear to be entirely at my mercy, whatever are we going to do with you?”

“Yup, that’s me. Defenceless, unarmed, without a plan or any backup. Care to let me go?”

“I think not, I think you need to be taught a…lesson” She practically purred the last word.

“Just a heads up, you should probably drop the whole evil seductress routine. It really doesn’t work without your little magical doohickey, in fact I think you just gave me a de-rection. So, well done on that at least.”

Her eyes flashed green again and I felt the force around my chest compress, squeezing me tight and straining my ribs. A gasp of air escaped from my throat as my lungs were slowly crushed. The necklace fell from my grip, only to be caught in a magical glow and levitated over to Swirling Runes.

“Thank you for reminding me of that. Wonderful little thing isn’t it? It makes any being attrected to your sex see you as the object of their ultimate desire, though I’m curious what an unusual creature like you would see. Sadly, I can’t claim full credit for it. The praise should go to a much more foolish mare.”

The crushing vice around my chest eased up slightly and I desperately dragged in as much air as I could to my oxygen-starved lungs. There was another flash of green fire, this time a in a circle on the floor next to Swirling Runes. When the fire had died down, sinking into the floor and not even leaving a mark behind, a figure was left lying there unconscious. A peach unicorn mare with a blue mane.

A second Swirling Runes.

The original Runes looked over to me, a smirk creasing her features.

“Confused? Allow me to explain, I am a superior being you see. A creature called a-”

“Changeling” I interrupted, not wanting her to go on a bragging streak.

“Yes, I see you have heard of our excellence. As should all of you lesser beings, you should know of us and fear us. You are nothing but prey before us, for we Changelings feast on-”

“Love” I cut her off again.

“Stop that! You're wrong anyway. I have found another source of food for the Changelings, far easier to obtain and with a near endless supply.” She paused and looked at me expectantly.

“…I’m not going to ask what it is. I refuse to cooperate with your monologue.”

“…Fine. It’s lust by the way. Poor naïve Swirling Runes here thought I was her best friend, her only friend. I’m beginning to see why the other ponies ostracised her. Only an idiot would be foolish enough to think a Changeling would make friends with such a pathetic creature as a pony. She made me this little necklace, quite the little smarty pants with her magic, that’s why I targeted her. She makes me the enchanted necklace that protects me from the guards' searches and in return I lock her in her basement to rot away. A nice little deal for everyone involved…except her of course.”

“Are you finished?” I asked, affecting a yawn.

“Impudent worm! You are entirely within my power! I could crush you like a bug!”

“Yeah yeah, big complex plans, world domination, you’ll never stop me. Next you’ll try the whole ‘Join me and we can rule the world together!’ line. Heard it all before, can you hurry this up? It’s just I’m thinking about getting a haircut and I’d like to book the appointment before I die of old age.”

“You have raised my ire, cur! Now quake before the glory of my true form!”

Emerald flames began to swirl around the villains hooves, slowly rising up her legs to cover her torso. Wherever the magical conflagration touched the image of Swirling Runes appeared to burn away to reveal a slimy black carapace. Holes appeared in its hooves and insect-like wings appeared on its back. Its main torso was covered in overlapping plates of chitin, forming a natural armour, which extended up to its head and around the jagged horn implanted there, looking almost like a helmet. It was much larger than the disguise that had previously contained it, standing around a foot and a half taller and much bulkier with muscle. It was very different from the Changelings in the show, and it looked far more dangerous. Perhaps some kind of elite? A forked tongue flickered out of its mouth, deftly avoiding the large fangs, to taste the air.

“I can taste your fear, you reek of it.” its voice had changed as well, now having a buzz behind it as if the throat used to form the words wasn’t meant for normal speech.

“Yup, I’m shaking in my little hoovsies. I’m plum terrified that you might rape me, that whole ‘feeds on lust’ didn’t do you many favours.”

The Changelings face, alien though it was, still twisted in disgust at this statement.

“As if I would lower myself to mate with one such as you. You filthy mammals are probably full of diseases.”

“Hey, I’ve always practiced safe sex! I’m completely clean, though I’m glad that this isn’t the rape train. Incidentally, just out of curiosity, what gender are you? It is really hard to tell”

“Isn’t it obvious? I am of the Changeling upper class, so clearly I am female.”

“Oh, of course, matriarchal society of bug creatures. Makes perfect sense. Sorry, I wasn’t insulting your figure or anything. I’m sure that you look very feminine…from the right angle…just not this angle, it’s just a bit hard to judge with the species difference and all.”

“Rambling fool! You shall die now and any evidence of my deeds will die with you. I, General Velvet shall triumph! Nothing can stop me from consuming all of the stallions' lust!”

“…There is so many things wrong with what you just said, not the least of which is that your name is Velvet, but I’m sure that I can point them out after I’ve escaped.”

“Escape?! There is no escape for you, you admitted it yourself. You have no plan, you have nothing!” With this exclamation, it began to tighten its grip upon my chest.

I struggled to the best of my abilities but the magical vice had me held tight, no amount of squirming could loosen its grip upon me. In desperation I flailed with all my limbs, the burning in my lungs causing me to go into a blind panic. My hooves slammed into the poorly maintained floor multiple times, the wooden boards jumping around with each hit. The strain on my lungs as they were starved of precious oxygen was unbearable now and I could feel my life slipping away. With what could very well be the last of my strength I slammed my hooves down once more, not expecting the effects such an action would have.

The floorboards beneath me, loosened from their poor maintenance as well as my struggling assault, shifted beneath my hooves. The board beneath my right hoof was forced violently down and, through the laws of leverage, the other end shot swiftly up.

Straight into Velvet’s chin.

The large changeling reeled back from the blow, her magic shutting off from the shock of the sudden attack. I collapsed to the floor, gulping in huge breaths whilst my hands scrabbled at my belt.

Come on! Come on! Where are they?

Velvet was recovering from the blow, shaking her head and wincing from the ringing that must be running through her skull. If she managed to fully focus her attention back on me then I wouldn’t stand a chance, her magic would crush me in a second. I continued to frantically search my belt for the object I needed.

Got it!

Velvet had managed to clear her hazy vision and focus on me again, her eyes burning with a green fire that matched the corona of energy that began to surround her horn. However, before she could fully bring her magic to bear against me I had acted, throwing the object from my belt directly at her. Two sandy white orbs, around the size of a marble, arced sedately through the air, two pairs of eyes tracking their movement. Their flight ended when they collided with Velvet’s face, immediately exploding outwards to fill the room with a thick smoke.

Smoke bombs, never leave home without them.

The moment the concealing smoke covered the room I dived forwards, barely managing to avoid the magical bolt of force that Velvet had shot blindly. Rolling back to my hooves, I rushed forward to the place where I had seen my target land, hoping that my changeling foe hadn’t had the presence of mind to snatch it up. I was fortunate, Velvet was too focused on trying to find and kill me to pay attention to the little things.

Like this magical necklace that I had just snatched off the ground.

I could see the silhouette of the large female changeling moving through my artificial fog, head moving around as she hunted for me. Perhaps now was a good chance to use one of my more exotic skills, as I wanted to taunt her but not give away my position. Lying down on the ground so that she wouldn’t see my silhouette, I began my trick.

“You’re not that smart are you?” My voice came from behind her, causing her to whirl around and fire of a bolt of magic, putting a large hole in one wall.

“Oh, so close and yet so very very far. Try again.” My voice was projected from her right, with similar results to the first trick.

“You’re not even trying. So disappointing.” From her left now, the infuriated Changeling firing off several bolts of green fire that ignited the curtains.

“You see, that’s gonna cost you your no claims bonus on your policy. Tell me, are you insured against magic-wielding idiots?” My taunting came from above this time, perhaps I was pushing it slightly but to my surprise the raging mare fell for it. Immediately blasting the roof above her, causing a small bit of debris to fall on top of her.

“You must be, if you live here then idiot insurance is practically a necessity.” This mocking caused the Changeling to give up on targeting me altogether. Instead she charged up a large glowing orb of green flame at the end of her horn and, in a burst, released it outwards in every direction.

For a moment it appeared to have worked. There was nothing but complete silence, no taunting voices of strange creatures. She had won! The Changeling victorious!

“Velvet is a stupid name.” I whispered, my voice coming from every direction and surrounding the stupefied villain. It was about time for me to leave, eventually she would figure out that she could just dispel the smoke and find me. Luckily she was either too enraged or just too stupid to figure that out for the moment so I had some time.

Ventriloquism is a really cool skill to have. Not always useful but it is great fun at parties.

I carefully slipped out the front door, not trusting the upstairs window as an escape route. I felt guilty about having to leave Swirling Runes behind, unconscious and helpless, but I wouldn’t be able to escape if I took her with me. I made a mental promise to come back for her later, once Velvet was sufficiently distracted.

After all, if there is a prison or treasure room in the entire universe that I can’t break into or out of, then it’s only a matter of time before I have to do one of them.

Or both.

Now that I think about it, my familiarity with prisons is a good indication that something in my life went very wrong.

I wonder if I should go into a careful analysis of my life, with long scientific words to describe my various issues, which might help me pinpoint my flaws and improve upon them…

The door that I had walked out of not two minutes ago blew open, flying completely off its hinges and landing in the street. Out of the now bare opening stepped Swirling Runes, or should I say General Velvet disguised as Swirling Runes. It had to be Velvet because of the terrifying rage burning in her eyes the moment she laid eyes upon me.

Looks like I’ll have to take a rain check on that psych evaluation.

I immediately set off sprinting down the street, heading towards the more populous area of town where she wouldn’t be able to kill me, at least not without hundreds of witnesses. Although my powerful bounds gave me a distinct advantage in the speed department it seemed that False Runes more than made up for it in the ‘determination to kill me’ department.

At least I should be able to reach a crowd before she reaches me, then I just have to tell the guards about her plan and she’ll be finished. My powerful stride ate up the distance quickly and I was quickly in the centre of town, now I just need to get some ponies to help me out with this crazy mare.

“Stop that freak! He’s working with the changelings!” I head Velvet cry out in Swirling Runes voice.

The moment this announcement was made all the ponies in the market square swung to look at me, determination and anger in their eyes.

Damn, that was surprisingly cunning of her.

I started running again, now followed by an entire crowd of ponies who were led by False Runes. They provided excellent motivation to escape, I don’t think I’ve ever run so fast. Our merry chase took us all around town, through side streets and around the market place a couple of times. I even passed two familiar figures in my escape.

Iron stood at the forge, hammering on a piece of heated metal whilst Summer watched him work. She had got back from her meeting with the guard an hour ago and had insisted on watching him work on Ace’s gift. Iron, unfamiliar with females watching him work, had adopted a strategy that was shared by all males, regardless of species.

Just say ‘yes’ to everything.

“So the changeling threat is supposed to be a fairly minor affair here, shouldn’t be too much of a problem.” Summer stated.

“Aye”

“Hopefully it won’t delay my deployment…”

“Aye.”

It was at this point that a familiar, yet rather annoying, bipedal figure shot past.

“Hey Summer, hey Iron.” Ace said, his voice managing to stay behind after he had left. A moment later a huge mob of ponies galloped past, many of them shouting various threats at the figure they were pursuing.

“Iron?”

“Aye”

“Did Ace just sprint past?”

“Aye”

“Followed by what looked like a good portion of this town’s population, all of them looking very angry.”

“Aye.”

“Iron, I think we need to have a talk…about Ace.”

The huge minotaur sighed and put aside the piece of metal he had been forming, as well as the tools he was borrowing from the forge’s kindly owner. He then sat upon the anvil he had just been working upon, the huge block of metal sinking slightly under his weight, and prepared himself for a very long talk.

“Aye.”

Evidently my ability to give large crowds of incompetent pursuers the slip are a bit rusty, must be all that fine living I’ve been doing. Oh well, if Velvet gets her way, which seems likely right now, I won’t be doing much more living, fine or otherwise.

The situation had gone from bad, being chased by a mob of irrationally angry ponies, to worse, being surrounded by said mob of ponies. The chase, having looped round the town a couple of times, had gained a lot of attention and thus, a lot more ponies had joined the chase, including several on-duty guards. I wasn’t sure if it was because of righteous anger, or curiosity or just that it looked like a lot of fun. Regardless of their reasoning, eventually they had got smart and, on my fifth circuit of market place, I found my way blocked by half of the crowd, who had split off so that they could corner me.

And so I found myself, edging as far back as I could before bumping into a stall filled with various musical instruments whilst a mob of ponies led by a disguised Changeling slowly stepped towards me. Their strong hooves and angry eyes promising a form of vigilante justice that I was unlikely to survive. Throughout the entire chase False Runes had been shouting various outrageous claims about me to whip up the anger of her followers, everything from me being the cause of drought and famine to me being the consort of Queen Chrysalis herself.

I found this last one to be slightly ridiculous but still well received by the ponies, who apparently loved a bit of drama in their chases.

I survive the horrible Diamond Dog mutant-thing but am about to get trampled by wide-eyed adorable ponies…

…I may be misinterpreting this but I think that counts as irony.

If The Mask Fits

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex
fireshadow11

The mob took a step forward and I could not take any more steps back, pinned as I was between the music stall and the crowd's wrath. I had nothing in my belt or any particular tricks capable of dealing with such a large amount of hostiles. Even if I did then I’m not sure I would use it, these ponies weren’t really hostile, just misguided.

Also, even if they might be about to kill me, they all look freakin’ adorable.

That doesn’t mean I’m just going to give up though. I started looking around for anything I could use to give me an advantage, my eyes darting over various objects in the square. A hat stall, a cart full of hay, various fruit and vegetable stalls. Unless these ponies developed a sudden and irresistible urge for fashion or food then I seemed to be out of luck.

My hands scrabbled behind me, searching the music stall for some large but preferably non-lethal instrument to defend myself with. My right hand found something first and came back holding…

A maraca.

Not exactly the most threatening instrument in the world. I would have preferred a guitar or even a violin, something with a good bit of weight behind it that can be used like a club.

Incidentally, this isn’t the first time I’ve used an instrument as an improvised weapon.

That was one crazy party.

The nostalgic memories brought back another memory from my old world. An alternative way to use this maraca that may well save my skinny hide from hoof-filled doom. It was a crazy tactic which had absolutely no way of succeeding in the real world. But this was Equestria, land of magic and adventure and, most importantly, occasional cartoon physics. One of the most madcap energy filled comedians around was a master at this.

No, it wasn’t Pinkie Pie.

Grabbing the maraca’s twin from the stall I leapt forward, causing all the ponies to back away cautiously.

“Hit it!” I shouted enthusiastically, waving with my maracas.

I was referring, of course, to Jim Carrey.

As soon as I had said this statement a rumba beat began to play, the sound emerging from all around us even though there were no musicians in sight. Despite how creepy random background instrumentals are I decided that I was fine with it on this one occasion as they may well help save my life.

I saw that my song was having an effect on the ponies in front of me, they looked distinctly less pissed off and some were even swaying slightly with the lively tempo.

I leapt over to False Runes, who had a dour look on her face as if she was trying to resist the urge to join in the song through sheer grumpiness. I continued to shake my maracas and gyrated my body to the funky groove. I then danced my way over to a group of mares nearby, who were smiling at my antics and dancing slightly.

I grabbed a rose from a nearby stall and held in between my teeth whilst I danced playfully in front of the mares who, to my surprise, joined in. The first offered her hoof to me, which I accepted and took her for a quick spin before whirling her off towards a nearby stallion. He caught her expertly and I noticed their eyes meeting as he gently cradled her. I would have let out a soft ‘aww’ at the scene but I was being dragged along by the song now.

At the end of this line I let out a high-pitched howl which was taken up by the stallions in the crowd, causing several mares to swoon slightly. I swayed my way back over to False Runes, who was staring in contempt at the joyful ponies. Time to bring my A-game for this one.

As I sang this stanza I wiggled my fingers at her as if I was casting some kind of spell, hopefully Equestria’s magical music will do the rest. False Runes opened her mouth, her face twisted and eyes narrowed as if she was about to insult me, but ended up doing something completely different.

Her eyes widened as she heard what she had just said, unable to comprehend why her mouth wasn’t obeying her. I grinned and leapt forward, sweeping her up in a close embrace. Her eyes widened and I could she was mentally trying to fight back but the musical mischief was stronger and she ended up dancing with me.

The crowd, stallions and mares, joined in to serenade me and False Runes.

I leapt on top of a nearby cart, dragging my unwilling dancing partner with me. I lifted the surprisingly light False Runes up so that we were face to face and she wrapped her rear legs around my waist, though I don’t think she knew why she did this. With False Runes firmly in place in a rather compromising position I began to dance again, swinging her around wildly.

I’m not sure if she managed to force her way through the musical compulsion or if the dance number just allowed her to do it but whatever the reason she managed to slap me twice across the face, although they were rather gentle. More of a spank for the face than an actual painful slap. Best to get rid of her before she manages to do some actual damage.

I spun her round once before dropping her off the edge of the cart into a waiting pile of stallions. One of them, a particularly brave one, tried to lock eyes with her only to be roughly shoved away by the irate mare. Poor fellow. I leapt forward off the cart, landing in a circle of town guards who had got caught up in the chase and subsequent dance routine.

The music changed suddenly, from the rumba beat to a conga tune, and the dance changed with it. The guards around me suddenly lining up to form a conga line with me at the head. I simply shrugged and went along with it, shaking my hips and occasionally adding a leg kick to the conga. Then the music changed again, this time to a jazzier piece, and I once again led the crowd in a dance. In between the wildly swinging legs of a square full of dancing ponies I noticed something worrying.

False Runes wasn’t dancing.

In fact it looked like she was charging up a spell to fire at me. I believe it is time for me to be moving on.

"See ya!"

With that I slipped away, concealing myself from False Runes behind a sea of multi-coloured ponies. I saw the disguised changeling frantically scanning the crowd in vain before letting the magical glow around her horn die out. She couldn’t exactly go blasting crowds of ponies at random, not if she wanted to keep the act up.

Leaving a crowd of confused yet happy ponies behind me I walked away, enchanted necklace now safe in my belt. Swirling Runes was still trapped and Velvet would probably find a way to turn the town against me, that musical number wouldn’t inconvenience her for too long.

Well, at least I confirmed that Equestria has some freaky magic mumbo jumbo that makes ponies join in with cheerful songs.

…Similar to what a combination of alcohol and a karaoke machine does to humans.

I knew that I had to act fast, which means that I don’t have time to properly think through what I’m about to do. Velvet might be easily confused but I wasn’t about to underestimate her. She was smart, maybe even smarter than me. I was fairly good at reading people, it came in helpful when playing poker, and I knew what type of person Velvet was. She was a planner, a schemer, she could come up with an incredibly cunning plan given enough time and could take into account her opponents’ moves. She would be confident that she had accounted for all variables, that nothing I could do would upset her plan. Any logical move I made would land me right in her trap. I knew exactly how dangerous such people can be and, in spite of this, I grinned to myself.

This is getting fun. I love it!

Alright then, so she’ll account for any rational actions I make. She’ll be hunting for me and will get the town to join in the chase. She’ll cut off any escape routes as well as making sure I can’t get any assistance. First thing she’ll do is inform the guard of my supposed ‘crimes’ so that they will detain me.

So I can’t make any rational choices eh? Suits me just fine.

Captain Steel Mane, proud member of the Equestrian National Guard and defender of White Tail, was having a really bad day.

It had started with the influx of refugees which, whilst a happy occasion in itself, had led to complaints by many merchants and trades ponies. Who was going to feed all these refugees? Where would they stay? Would they be wanting jobs which, in our most valued opinions, should go to long standing White Tail citizens?

So many questions! Each pony protesting louder than the last. Each plaintiff holding out their right to spout their opinions as a shield against any protests on the Captain’s behalf.

And as soon as he had finished dealing with the various complaints of the towns ponies then reports had started to come in that the weird creature, Ace, had started some kind of trouble in town. Something related to Swirling Runes.

Swirling Runes. That was a name that the Captain couldn’t stop hearing no matter how much he tried.

He admitted that the mare was cute, in a rather shy and intellectual way. He had once hoped that there might be something there. Something worth pursuing. But that hope had died the moment her personality did a complete turnaround. All of a sudden she was brazen, practically strutting down every street, and was even cruel to those who took an interest in her, often leading them on a bit before crushing their hopes.

Steel Mane let out a sigh, remembering an important lesson his father had taught him once. He had said:

“Son, no matter what you do in life, watch out for the quiet ones. Doesn’t matter what they end up doing or who else is involved. For some reason it is always the quiet ones.”

He had got that right at least.

“Sir?” Steel Mane looked up from his reminiscing to see his secretary poking her head round the door. “You have a visitor.”

“Is it another complaint? Because I don’t know if I can handle any more.”

“No sir. Actually it’s a zebra, one of the refugees, he says he urgently needs to talk to you.”

“Alright send him in.”

The secretaries head disappeared and a few moments later was replaced by the tired face of an old zebra who slowly plodded his way into the room.

“Greetings, I am Captain Steel Mane, and you are?”

“Name’s Zende young ‘un, and I’ve got some rather bad news for you.”

“Oh? Worse than one of your refugees causing trouble in my town?”

“Aye, much worse. See, I’ve been talking to the others, asking them how they got caught, and I noticed some rather worrying similarities. Almost all of them were hired by a business known as the East Equestrian Trading Company. Some of them were hired to explore this region and mark down any potential dig sites, others to bring trade to far away towns such as your lovely settlement. But in each tale there is a single constant. They were following the supposedly ‘safe’ route set by the Company when they were ambushed by Diamond Dogs.”

Steel Mane managed to keep up a professional exterior but on the inside his mind was reeling from the implications. The East Equestrian Trading Company was one of Equestria’s biggest handlers of shipping and trade. They had offices in Stalliongrad, Maneapolis and Manehatten. They had bits in everything from the spice trade, to gems, even baking products.

And perhaps even the slave trade?

“This is a very serious accusation Mr. Zende. Do you have any firm evidence?”

“Not yet I don’t but I think I know someone who will be able to get some.”

“Oh? Who would that be?”

“The most crazy, pig-headed arrogant creature I’ve ever had the misfortune of running across. Unfortunately he is also crafty, deviously intelligent and the perfect tool for the job.” A look of begrudging respect passed over Zende’s face as he said this.

“You forgot devilishly handsome.” Steel Mane whirled round at the sound of a voice from behind him, instantly drawing his sword in his mouth and aiming it at the potential threat.

The troublemaking biped was sat, as relaxed as if he were on a bench in the park, on the Captain’s window sill. A window sill that was located on the third floor of a barracks full of guards…

How in Tartarus did he do that?

“Oh, put that away before you hurt yourself. You're not even the most threatening thing I’ve faced today, never mind this week.” Ace leapt from his seated position and approached the wary captain, only to walk right past him and snatch an apple from the fruit bowl on his desk.

“Sorry, I’m absolutely famished. Hey Zende, how’s life?” He asked cheerfully.

“I’m so old that my mind should have turned to mush yet I’m still the most perceptive being in this room.”

“Well, that’s just hilarious. I believe you were talking about conspiracy theories before I broke into the conversation…also broke into this room but that’s neither here nor there.”

Steel Mane was getting pretty tired of being ignored by this borderline criminal. How dare he break in here! How dare he cause trouble in my town! How dare he get involved with Swirling Runes!

“Alright! That’s it! You! Weird biped thing! You have three second to explain why I shouldn’t arrest you right now!”

“That’s rather rude.”

“One…”

“Isn’t that rude Zende?”

“Two…”

“I mean I go to all the trouble of trying to free the real Swirling Runes and this is the thanks I get? You’re a bloody ungrateful lot.”

“…I’m listening.” If Runes needed him...then that was entirely different.

“I knew I had you figured out Cappy, you’re a stallion of the people. The proud upstanding guard. They should use you on recruitment posters…although you may need to learn to smile a bit more. Seriously, whenever we talk you’re always so grumpy.”

“That’s because we’re talking.” Steel Mane replied with a sigh, this talkative fool was really getting on his nerves.

“See what I mean Zende? Rude, just plain rude.”

“Go buck yourself.” The disgruntled zebra responded.

“Well! See if I come here again! I rate your town a measly two stars, terrible service, rude guards, incompetent angry mobs. You really need to up your game if you want to win the ‘best town’ award.”

“Would you get to the point already!” Steel Mane and Zende shouted simultaneously.

“Fine, fine. Listen, you’ve been infiltrated by a Changeling. She’s disguised as Swirling Runes and has some freaky magical necklace that attracts ponies to her whilst protecting her from the guards Changeling searches. Or should I say protected her? You see, I may have kind of stolen said necklace.” He reached into his belt and pulled out a simple bronze necklace with a glowing blue sapphire embedded in the front.

“So she’s defenseless?” Zende inquired.

“Well…not quite. She still has Swirling Runes held hostage and half the town out looking for me, so I’m rather limited in my department to help her. That’s where I need you to come in. I can probably catch her attention for a while whilst you break Runes out of her prison. Then we can safely take down the Changeling without tripping any magical failsafe.”

“And why, pray tell, don’t I just mobilise the entire guard on her buggy flank?”

“Because, Mister Tactical Genius, she isn’t stupid. If she sees unusual guard movement then she’ll realise that she’s been rumbled and cut her losses. Her losses include Swirling Runes. So, unless you want Runes to die…”

“Of course not!

“Oh good. Then you’ll do exactly what I say. Maybe this time people will actually stick to the bloody plan. Well then, I’d best be off.”

“Hold it a minute! If this doesn’t work out, and if anything happens to Swirling Runes, then no power on this planet will stop me from hunting you down and sending your soul to the deepest pit in Tartarus.” The Captain allowed a bit of his barely restrained anger to enter his voice at this statement.

“Got it. Runes gets hurt, I go to hell. I’ll remember that. Best of luck Captain” With that, Ace’s hand flashed out and a small round object was sent flying to the floor where it exploded into a cloud of smoke. By the time the room cleared Ace had disappeared, along with the magical necklace and all the fruit on the Captain’s desk.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Zende said, waving a hoof in front of his face to clear away the smoke “That guy is a bit of a bastard.”

“A magnificent bastard!” Called said bastard’s voice from outside the window.

So I sold out and ripped off a scene from the Mask, don't worry about berating me for it. I feel kind of dirty already.

Speaking of selling out, and shameless self-promotion, I've written a short silly one shot. Check it out here.

Or don't, whetever you want really.

Signed,
A Horrible Person

Tricks, Trips and Tough Luck

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex
fireshadow11

Getting onto the roof of White Tail’s town hall was actually preposterously easy, it was rather disappointing actually. To be fair to the ponies' security though, I bet they never even considered that someone would climb the outside of the building. When two thirds of your population are entirely earthbound and the others all have wings designing to prevent climbing is rather redundant.

Thus the complete lack of anti-climb paint, combined with the abundance of handholds, makes this the easiest building I’ve ever had to scale. A prestigious position previously occupied by the Palace Theatre in London, whose antiquated design and meagre security made it a rather appealing target for thieves.

Not that I’ve ever robbed the place, I have way too much respect for the theatre to do that. I just snuck in a few times when I was younger and watched some free shows, though I’ve donated ten times the cost of the tickets I should have paid for later in life.

I still remember Les Misérables, that was the first show that ever made me cry.

Right, enough reminiscing, back to the task at hand. I was currently lying down flat on the roof, observing the crowds of ponies below me. They milled about, each one going about their business. It was rather beautiful to watch from above, the myriad of colours moving about independently, like a living picture. Each colour could be used to represent an emotion and thus, the crowd of moving ponies becomes a metaphor for life. The blue of depression moving alongside the fiery red of passion. Pink love intertwining through them all accompanied by green jealousy.

Yeah, I’ve broken into a few art galleries before. You pick up this stuff eventually.

I suppose there are enough ponies below that I can begin my distraction, Velvet would be sure to notice such a large collection of ponies reacting to something. I can only hope that Steel and Zende are doing what I told them to, now would be a horrible time for them not to trust me. Though I realise that I haven't given them much reason to trust me.

Oh well, let’s just hope they go with it.

I shuffled back from the edge of the roof and reached into my pouches, looking for the right materials to make a grand entrance with. Once my effects were fully prepared I began.

To the ponies below it must have looked like quite an unusual sight. An explosion of smoke appeared from the roof of the town hall, followed by a deep, menacing laugh. All eyes swung to the scene, many of them filled with fear and under the belief that some new terror had surfaced to threaten them. Then a voice loudly proclaimed:

“Behold! I am the Amazing Ace, Magician Extraordinaire! And I am here to rock your world!”

The smoke dissipated to reveal a bipedal figure, arms spread wide as if accepting great applause. Its eyes were closed and its head bowed, almost like it was asleep on its feet. Suddenly, it looked up and its eyes snapped open, mouth spitting to reveal a wide, gleeful grin. One hand was raised to this grin and left open, leaving the sparkling substance that had been concealed within exposed. The magician took a deep breath and blew onto the dust, sending it flying out above the heads of the crowd.

The dust seemed to dance in the sunlight, catching rays and making patterns that astounded the ponies below. Later, each pony would claim that they saw something different reflected in the seemingly magical dust. A beautiful face, their cutie mark, an Ursa Major. Each pony saw something different but was unable to properly express their wonderment. Instead they simply ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ in fascination.

Then the show began in earnest.

As I looked down upon the mesmerised ponies below I couldn’t help but feel a hint of pride swell in my heart. Here was a race that actually had magic. Real, controllable Merlin-esque magic. Yet I could still amuse and entertain them with something as simple as floating glitter.

I am really good at this.

I decided to kick it up a notch and show off some of acrobatics. A lot of these tricks had been with me for most of my life and were like old friends to me. Backflips came to me as natural as breathing did to normal people. Walking on my hands was like, well, walking on my hooves I had been doing it for so long. Moonwalking on my hands was...

Slightly more difficult I’ll admit.

I kept it up though. Cartwheeling from one side of my makeshift stage to the other before leaping into the air, flipping once, and landing upright with my arms stretched out beside me. I sprang and rolled in a display of acrobatic ability that was rarely witnessed among pony-kind. I finished off the acrobatics portion of the act with one of my favorite, and most difficult, tricks.

I began to slowly lean backwards, the crowd below watching in some confusion and curiosity as my weight began to cause me to seemingly fall. I have never done this trick with hooves so I’m not entirely sure how well this is going to go. My right side was facing towards the crowd, concealing the actions that my left leg was taking. I had hooked my left hoof onto a small outcropping in the roof and, unseen to the ponies below, I was straining with all my might to keep myself from falling backwards into a humiliated heap. I had leaned quite far now, my back was almost parallel to the floor and my knees were at a right angle. The crowd below were gasping at my display of physics defiance, even though many of them regularly broke the laws of the universe on a daily basis.

This was different though, this was a show! If someone does something amazing everyday then it becomes commonplace, but if you make a spectacle of it, well, then everyone wants a piece.

My left leg felt like it was on fire with all the strain going through it. It was probably only thanks to these stronger legs that that trick had been possible at all. Usually I would have far more time to prepare and would have various gimmicks to make it easier, a weighted shoe or a supporting frame inside my clothes. I hid my pain from my audience behind a practised showman's smile, even though inside my head I was screaming in agony.

I didn’t have time for pain though, it was showtime, the most wonderful of frantic of times. The audience was watching and I couldn’t afford any slip ups.

So I launched into the second part of my act with extra gusto.

The second part of my act required a couple of seconds of preparation, specifically the lighting of a small wooden brand which I then placed at my hooves. Before the audience had time to contemplate the significance of this torch I had already moved on and withdrew three small balls from my belt and begun to juggle them.

Now juggling, on its own, is not an overly impressive feat, though it might be fairly new to a hoofed species. The point of performance juggling is not the act itself but rather the items that can be juggled. The more dangerous the better, swords, chainsaws, live grenades.

That last one might be going a bit far though.

As soon as the crowd grew accustomed to the act of me juggling three balls I decided to increase the number, pretty soon having six rubber spheres flying through my hands and remaining aloft only through my show of dexterity. My hands flashed back and forth, appearing to be no more than a blur to my observers. It was impressive, no doubt, and had taken me a long time to perfect but this next part was the real kicker.

It was also much easier to do with feet but I can improvise.

I slammed one hoof down as hard as I could, causing the lit brand to jump into the air slightly. I then hooked my leg under it and kicked it upwards, so that it hung for a second in front of my mouth. A second was all I needed, I quickly exhaled, allowing a portion of the cornstarch hidden inside my mouth to billow out. The moment it struck the brand it ignited, continuing its journey before striking one of the balls that I had caused to hang there for a moment, which also burst into flame.

The balls were coated with a very volatile resin that would ignite upon the contact with an open flame. Their purpose, other than being very cool, was to create the illusion of a fireball, which they succeeded at magnificently.

The brand began to drop towards the floor as gravity attempted to ruin my act, but I wasn’t about to let that happen. My left leg snapped out, striking the burning wood and sending it flying back up to eye level. I blew out again, repeating the trick, and another sphere was set aflame. The burning ball continued its journey round the circuit, joining its brethren, both flaming and otherwise.

Once again the brand fell and once again I kicked it up, repeating the process again.

And again.

Pretty soon all the orbs were lit and I allowed the brand to fall to the floor again, its job completed. I was now juggling six identical fireballs, each one moving swiftly through my hands. The interesting thing about fire is this:

Fire burns...true story.

The trick to not being hurt by fire is to not give it time to burn you. If you are quick enough then you can juggle fire without being burned, the real problem is the whole being quick enough part.

It also helps to wear fireproof gloves, perhaps skin coloured ones so that your adoring crowd of ponies can’t tell that you are cheating slightly.

What? Did you expect me just to say it was magic?

I continued to juggle the fireballs, occasionally throwing one behind my back and catching it without looking or dropping one down to be kept up entirely by swift kicks from my hooves. The majority of my concentration was focused on this part of my act, whilst the rest was preparing for the next bit.

If any of the ponies had been close enough to me, not to mention familiar with my anatomy, they might have noticed the unusual movements of my throat. I was swallowing as much as possible, clearing out any remaining flammable, yet edible, cornstarch from between my teeth, my tongue flicking back and forth as it hunted the remaining dust. Once I was confident that it had all been removed I began to spit into my mouth, not the prettiest image I know but necessary nonetheless. It was essential that the interior of my mouth was well protected for this next part.

Once I was fully prepared, I began. A seemingly casual slap from one hand sent a ball arcing upwards, appearing to be completely out of the control of my hands. The crowd below gasped in fright, terrified that something may have gone wrong and this wonderful performer may have endangered himself. Well this wonderful performer knows exactly what he is doing...most of the time.

Stretching my neck slightly, I reached out towards the ball and grabbed it in my mouth, enveloping the flaming sphere within my gob. There was a moment of flashing pain before the flame was suffocated by the lack of oxygen. The moment I was sure the sphere was entirely cooled I spat it out, allowing it to rejoin its kind in the circuit, though it was now the odd one out.

Though it wouldn't be so lonely for very long.

I dropped one ball down towards my legs before launching it up over my head where it arced majestically, landing perfectly in my mouth. Like its brother it was extinguished before being returned to the jugging.

I repeated the display several more times, even growing so bold as to use my unfamiliar tail to whip an orb upwards. Once all the fires were out and they were returned back to the state of just being regular, albeit hotter than regular, rubber spheres I stopped the juggling, catching the balls three to a hand before taking a wide, sweeping bow to my audience.

There was silence for a moment.

And another moment.

Followed by a resounding pounding of hooves as a square full of ponies gave their version of applause. The ground shook beneath their show of adoration and the air was filled with cheers and whoops of joy.

I love this part.

I drank in their cheers and applause, loving every second of it. Right here, right now, I was the king of the world. Loved. Respected. Adored. I felt overwhelmed by it, intoxicated almost.

Shame it always has to end.

I waved my arms, beckoning the crowd to quiet down so that I could announce something. For the second time in my act, I spoke.

“For my next trick I shall require a volunteer from the audience.” Damn, it really hurt to speak at the moment. You don’t extinguish six fireballs and get away scot free.

A plethora of hooves shot into the air at my announcement, followed by some rather undignified pushing and shoving from the ponies as they tried to get noticed. I scanned the crowd carefully, putting one hand to shield my eyes from the sun for added effect. Now, where is she?

There!

At the edge of the crowd, the only one who didn’t look like she was enjoying the show, was False Runes. All of her hooves were firmly planted on the ground, unlike the other ponies who were waving as many limbs in the air as they could spare. If looks could kill then I would probably have to be buried in a soup can.

“How bout you there, little miss? Come on, come on, don’t be shy! Step right up!” Okay, so I may have been using every line in the carnival greeters handbook but it worked. The other ponies immediately turned to stare at her, putting her suddenly in the spotlight.

She froze, glancing round as she searched for a way out of it. Then she grinned slyly.

“I would just love to, yet I find myself unfortunately earthbound. How am I supposed to get all the way up there?” I matched her grin with one of my own.

“Not to worry my dear! Where there’s a will, there’s a way and I have a way. Can I get a couple of big, strong pegasi to help the little lady out?” Two burly winged ponies immediately leapt forwards, their chests puffing out in pride at the chance to help out. They flew over to Runes and grabbed her in their hooves, swiftly bringing her up to me despite her weak protests.

“Thank you gents. Now then, my dear, can you guess why I need your help?”

“Because you really want to die?” She muttered darkly.

“Not quite! I need your opinion on this necklace I acquired early today.” The crowd below watched our conversation with some confusion, unable to pick up on our words.

“...You wouldn’t dare.”

“Oh, yes I would dare! I would dare to do so most dashingly.” I was pretty happy with that alliteration, though it was nowhere near Twilight levels.

My hands once again flashed down to my belt, even as Runes began to react, moving to stop me. Before she had even taken a few steps I had the necklace out and around my neck, the enchantment kicking in almost instantly.

The ponies below gasped as I seemed to transform, then began to start at me in unadulterated lust. I feel kind of dirty for doing this now, but it appears to be having the desired effect.

Runes had stopped where she was, looking like she was about to bolt but was unable to. I could see the war going on behind her eyes, her desires and her restraint fighting against each other, one trying to prevail over the other.

Time to skew the odds in desires favour methinks. Swag mode activated.

I sidled over to her, brushing one hand down her muzzle before leaning in close to whisper in her ear, my voice low and husky.

“Don’t fight it, my dear. Accept it. Revel in it. Give up and allow me to...ravish you...”

The mare trembled, her legs shaking as she desperately tried to fight back against my ministrations. It was no use though, I could see it in her eyes, I almost had her. Just one more small push.

I gently lifted my hand from her muzzle, moving it up her head and onto her horn, circling it once before running my hand up its length, idling scraping the sensitive appendage with one nail.

That was enough to send her over the edge. A flash of green fire overtook her as she lost control of her disguise, returning to her true horrific form. Cries of horror and fear emitted from the crowd below as the spell was broken, the sight of a Changeling causing them to turn their attention away from me.

The Changeling that was leaping at me that is.

Velvet slammed into me, easily knocking me backwards and slamming my head into the hard stone of the roof. She stood above me, her form blocking out everything else. She leaned in close, her muzzle only a few inches away from my face.

Her breath was disgusting by the way.

“Fertilize my eggs!” She demanded, stomping one hoof to emphasize her point.

“God, if I had a pound for everytime I’ve heard that line...” Good, I had the quip down to pat, now I just needed to figure out a cunning way to escape from her clutches.

I headbutted her in the nose.

James Bond eat your heart out.

She stumbled back away from me, allowing me to roll backwards and onto my hooves. Velvet was swearing quite skillfully, even I didn’t understand half of what she said and I’ve been in bars in London’s East End.

She wants to do what with my tail?! I don’t think that’s physically possible!

After a while of swearing, and more horrified screams from the ponies below, she managed to recover her wits and the look in her eyes, well, let’s just say that blow to the face definitely broke the enchantment. There was absolutely nothing resembling love in that stare.

...I didn’t actually plan this far ahead. I assumed that Steel and Zende would be here to help by this part. Damn.

“Now before you blast me into ashes, hear me out. I have a perfectly good explanation for everything.”

“Go on then.” she purred, like a lioness would to a helpless gazelle, “I’d quite like to hear this one.”

“Well, firstly...erm...oh, fuck it all. It’s ‘cus you’re a bitch!” I’ve been told that honesty is the best policy, well whoever said that has clearly never been in this situation. Though if they have been in this situation, then well done to them. It’s quite an odd place to be really. I wonder if they would give me any tips on how to get out of it.

Right, rambling again. The prospect of a painful death tends to do that to me.

Velvet was charging a spell on her horn, a sickly green flame surrounded the bone protrusion. I barely had time to react before an emerald fireball shot out, heading directly towards my face. In desperation, I raised my hands to fend of the attack, regardless of the ineffectiveness of such an action.

I caught the attack in both hands, the sheer force of its movement sending pain screaming up both by arms, my entire body falling backwards. I tumbled over, rolling a couple of times on instinct alone. Somehow my brain was still managing to process thoughts. Thoughts like; why am I not on fire?

Oh right! The fireproof gloves, good thing I tried to catch it...though next time I might want to think that through slightly better.

It’s a rather depressing thought that I knew there would be a next time.

My impromptu acrobatics had brought me to the edge of the building, dangling precariously over the edge. Velvet began to pace forwards, determined to finish me off from my helpless position, whilst ponies below continued to scream in terror.

Don’t help or anything! I’m perfectly fine over here.

Do ponies ever get tired of being scared of things? It must be the herd instinct thing, their first reaction is to scream and alert the herd. Their second reaction is to run around uselessly, babbling about how bad things are.

Despite these massive flaws they are still really really adorable. So I guess all is forgiven.

Now, how to escape from this...

I could always try letting go.

After some consideration, during which Velvet got ever closer to knocking me off the edge, I decided to do so.

Let’s get this straight right off the bat.

I don’t like falling.

Really, I don’t. Despite the frequency which I do fall off of stuff I really don’t like it. Here’s why. Falling, in my profession at least, usually means that something has gone wrong. If you’re doing a high wire act and you end up falling, something has gone wrong. If you’re supposed to be breaking into the business place of a rich oil magnate and you end up falling, something has gone wrong. If you’re heading into town to buy some groceries and you end up falling...

Well, then something has gone very wrong.

So you might be able to understand why I was having trouble keeping a level head as I fell off the roof of the town hall. A more calm and collected individual might have been able to keep a professional demeanor about the whole thing, perhaps make a joke as they fell. Of course they would have to be as cool as Sean Connery trapped under fifteen feet of ice to do it but I guess anything is possible. As for me, however...

I screamed.

I’m not proud of it but I feel that, under the circumstances, it’s completely reasonable. I was going to fall three-stories onto a crowd of ponies, many of which had very pointy objects attached to their heads. If I survived that, albeit with some broken bones and in terrible pain, Velvet would swoop in to finish me off with extreme prejudice. So I screamed.

Like a little girl.

I also flailed my arms about in a rather unheroic fashion more commonly seen among those who are drowning, or on fire. Surprisingly, it was this behaviour that saved my life as my hand managed to grasp the railing of the third floor balcony. It was a bit embarrassing to realise that after all that drama I had only fallen a single story.

Still, I’m never going to underestimate the effectiveness of randomly flailing my extremities ever again.

I hung there for a moment, blessing my good luck, before swinging myself up and over the railing to land on the balcony. Now what do I do? It’s easy to forget the fact that Changelings have wings, considering they primarily use them to slam themselves into the ground. Nonetheless, they still have them and can thus use them to fly, meaning that it wouldn’t long before she flew down here and found me.

I had to find some way to surprise her.

It wasn’t long until the buzzing of insectile wings in motion reached my ears as Velvet hovered over the edge to gloat over her kill. However, noticing the distinct lack of blood splattered satyr on the ground below, she flew down to investigate. The moment she came into sight next to my balcony, her back to me as she scanned the town square for any places I might be hiding, I acted.

“Surprise, bitch!” I exclaimed as I leapt at her, kicking off of the rail as I flew through the space between us.

My target began to turn as my shout reached her ears, causing me to slam into her side and knock her off a stable flight path.

“Get off me you idiot!” She cried out as she weaved drunkenly through the air, desperately trying to stay in the air and shake me off.

I just clung on even tighter, wrapping both my arms around her barrel. Her legs kicked out at me but, with my current position, she was unable to land a proper blow. In her panic, she had forgotten about her magic, a fact that she seemed to realise as her horn lit up in a corona of green light.

“Oh no you don’t! This ride ain’t ending quite yet.” I said, swinging my legs up and lashing out with my right hoof, smashing into her horn with a resounding blow.

Velvet screamed out in pain and fury, her magic spluttering and going out as a crack ran up one side of her jagged horn. She began to curse again, promising to send me to a painful death. I held on even tighter, squeezing my eyes shut as I clamped my arms around my enemy. I tried to crush her, putting all my strength into it, but her hardened carapace was barely affected by my attack. I may not have managed to hurt her at all, but I had managed to keep a hold on the equine insect, preventing her from bucking me off to my death.

Our position in the air was a rather advantageous one to Velvet, after all she was the one with wings. All she had to do was knock me off and she would be able to claim an easy victory. I believe it is about time to level the playing field slightly.

I extended my neck forward as far as possible, opening my jaw as wide as possible as I made my move. Then, with a sickening crunch, I bit down on the wisp-like membrane of the nearest of Velvet’s wings. I fought back the urge to hurl as the disgusting taste of insect wing filled my mouth.

I’ve heard in certain countries they eat insects as a delicacy. I wonder if they would be interested in grilled Changeling?

...That was a bit morbid of me. I think all these near death experiences are getting to me.

Speaking of near death experiences, it seems the universe has decided that I’m overdue for another one. Velvet had given up on knocking me off and had adopted the default Changeling strategy.

Slamming into the ground at high speeds.

As a defensive, and offensive, strategy it certainly left a lot to be desired. For one thing it involved using your own body as ammunition and, as I quickly discovered, left you very dazed afterwards. So, when Velvet decided to ram the ground as if she were a rugby player and the earth had just managed to nab the ball, I was suitably worried.

Or would it be more appropriate to say that I was pants-crappingly terrified...yeah, I think that is the best phrasing I can come up with.

The first thing the Changeling general did was rise slightly, an impressive feat considering I had just bitten off one of her wings, before tipping her head down and letting her wings stop their infernal buzzing. We fell slowly at first, our death dive more of a gentle death glide. Then Velvet’s wings started up again, pushing both her and myself forward at top speed. The force of the sudden boost nearly ripped me away but I held on tenaciously, determining that sticking close to the crazed Changeling was the best way to survive this.

I was right as well. As we approached the ground at deadly speed Velvet’s horn lit up again, the corona of light fluctuating wildly around the crack in her horn. A shield of green fire was slowly erected around our plunging forms, its border wavering in an unstable manner. I’m no expert when it comes to the properties of magical shields but that looks a bit shoddy to me.

I had no further time to inspect our defence, the ground was approaching too fast. We slammed into the earth with an uproarious ‘Boom’. The force of our descent creating a furrowed crater in the cobbled square, ponies fleeing from the sight of such destruction.

I had been protected slightly by the impact but I by no means got away scot free. My head felt like it had been used to announce morning prayer and my legs...

I can’t feel my legs.

Why can’t I feel my legs?

I tried to lean forwards, to look up and check that they were still there, but I couldn’t move. The moment I strained myself leaning forward my back erupted in a torrent of red hot pain. Every nerve exploded as I felt my mind overwhelmed and I fell back, panting in exhaustion. My ears, despite the fact that they were ringing with pain, picked up the sound of weak hoofbeats.

Oh please let that be a kind, concerned doctor. Preferably carrying tons of morphine.

The hoof steps resolved near me and I struggled to turn my head to look at the origin of the sound. I was greeted by holed hooves, black carapace, a jagged horn and some really pissed off eyes.

Of bloody course.

It was obvious that Velvet hadn’t got off any easier than I had. Actually, she looked considerably worse. Her chitin armour was cracked in places and out of it leaked a green ichor. Her muzzle had been malformed by the impact, looking like it was broken. The worst damage by far was to her horn as the cleft I had put into it had been forced open by her magic usage, leaving the horn with a huge ragged rift in it.

“You bastard.” She spat at me. I mean she literally spat at me.

“Language...” I said with a tut.

“Why won’t you just die?!”

“Strange, I was about to ask you the same question.”

“Oh, I am going to enjoy this.” With that she stepped over my prone form before raising one hoof, swinging it down to smack me across the jaw. Pain shot into my brain once more.

Let me tell you, hooves hurt. A lot. They are heavy, they have sharp edges and they hurt.

“You’ve ruined my plans!” She emphasised this point with another hit to my face.

“Humiliated me!”

Another hit, my nose giving out with a sickening crack.

“Damaged my horn!”

Another hit, sending blood flying from my mouth.

“Bit my bucking wing off!”

Another hit, the right side of my jaw broke under the force of the blow. I would scream but I’m not sure that I can anymore.

“I’ll...admit...” I managed to cough out “...it’s been...a hell of a day.”

I took no small amount of satisfaction in the look on her face. Sort of a cross between blind fury and begrudging respect. Still, I’m pretty sure that her rage will win out in the end, then I’ll get my head crushed like an over ripe watermelon.

I wonder if they’ll build me a tombstone, or maybe even a statue. I can see it now:

‘Here lies Ace, he was an idiot and died for it. Bit of a shame.’

Oh well, I’ve lived a fairly good life. Robbed a lot of people, done a lot of crazy shit, broke more than a few hearts. I may have done a few things that could be described as ethically dubious but overall I think I come out very much on top.

At least this way I won’t have to watch as my body slowly decays with age.

Velvet had managed to figure out that she was angrier than she was impressed and had reared up on her hind legs, ready to deliver the final blow. Her fore hooves were raised above my head, their sharp edges and heavy weight promising a relatively swift death.

Just as Velvet was about to strike me there was a brilliant flash of blue-white light, causing me to see dots and filling the air with the stench of burnt ozone. I only know one pony who can make such an awesome entrance.

“Hooves off our idiot!” Summer declared, striding through the dust that had been created by our earlier death drop.

“Hey Summer...I’d hug you right now but I can’t feel my legs.” I managed, her expression going from concern before quickly shifting to anger.

“Don’t think you’re safe yet. After this, we are going to be having words. What in Tartarus were you thinking!?”

“Erm...sorry to interrupt but do you think we can save this for later?” A deep voice rumbled as another shape formed out of the dust, eventually coalescing into the colossal form of Iron Will.

“Right.” Summer said, turning to look at where she had blasted Velvet.

As we waited, Iron and Summer ready to fight off a crazed Changeling and me taking a small rest on the ground due to the fact that my legs aren't working at the moment, we heard some coughing coming out from the fog. A single pony, a light red mare with a curly brown mane, stumbled out of the fog, injuries covering much of her body.

“Please...help me...” She gasped.

Iron immediately started forward, reaching out to help the poor mare, but was held back as an electric blue light engulfed his torso. He looked at the perpetrator of this crime, who was standing right next to him. Summer’s horn was glowing and her eyes were narrowed as she inspected the injured pony.

“What’s your name?” She inquired, her voice full of suspicion.

“Er...Cherry...Popper?”

A bolt of electricity shot out of Summer’s horn, slamming into the mare before she could react and knocking her back, removing her disguise and revealing her to be General Velvet.

“I doubt that.” Summer said with a smirk.

“Wretched ponies!” Velvet spat as she clambered back onto her hooves. “Fine then, I’ll just do this the old fashioned way!” Her horn lit up with green flame, Summer’s horn crackling with blue lightning in response.

Then began one of the most beautiful and deadly light shows I’ve ever seen. The furious Changeling began to fire her standard bolts of flame at Summer, who didn’t even bother to expend energy blocking them and simply stepped out of the way of the hastily aimed shots. The unicorn then returned fire, small orbs of crackling energy shooting off her horn to rush at the changeling. As the attack approached, Velvet was engulfed in emerald flame, disappearing instantly and reappearing a few feet to the left, safely out of the way of Summer’s barrage.

Both magic wielding equines looked at each other, assessing their enemy after that first round of test firing. Velvet was already injured and had used more energy, that fancy teleport trick not doing her any favours. Summer, on the other hand, was fresh into the fight and had used the bare minimum of energy do far. Still, the Changeling General didn’t look that worried by her opposition.

“You honestly thing you can match me with your little shock tricks? The rank of General isn’t achieved just by any Changeling, little pony. My power far oustrips yours.”

“Maybe so, but you’ll still have to hit me first.” Summer replied, smirking confidently.

Summer was the first to strike this time, sending several quick beams of blue light at her opponents legs. Velvet leaped and danced out of the way, clearly annoyed at being forced to dodge the attacks of a lesser being. She responded by charging a large ball of blazing energy on the tip of her horn before releasing it to arc through the air, heading directly for Summer. The mare under fire didn’t seem overly concerned by the giant ball of death heading her way. Instead she simply set her brow and added another layer of light to the glow around her horn. In the air above her, between the flaming orb and her fragile form, strings of blue lightning began to form in the shape of a net.

The net was completed not a moment too soon as, once the final electric thread had appeared, the ball struck the weave. Summer’s web of energy bent around the orb, slowing it down significantly. I watched in awe, and at the same time terror that she would mess up and get hurt, as the net began to swing Velvet’s attack around before releasing it to fly right back at her. The Changelings eyes widened in shock and she hastily began to form a barrier around herself, the shield appearing to be as unstable as it was last time she used it. The moment the attack struck the barrier began to waver, before final going out before it had even absorbed a half of the flames. The rest of Velvet’s redirected attack struck her head on, forcing her down to the ground under the pressure as her carapace was blackened.

Yet that still wasn’t enough to put her down. She rose shakily, a triumphant grin adorning her muzzle even as her legs shook.

“You see? My resilience is on a level you could never match! What else have you got?” She challenged.

“Me? Oh, I don’t need to do anything else. You see, you forgot something very important.”

“And what would that be?” Velvet spat back.

“What happened to the minotaur?” Summer said, watching as Velvet’s eyes widened in realization.

She attempted to cast another spell but two giant hands had already reached down and locked around her barrel, lifting her easily into the air as though she were a child. She struggled, flailing her legs around impotently and building up magic in her horn. Before she had time to use any magic to save herself though, Iron had already taken steps to prevent that.

Very violent steps.

He held her upside down so that her head was facing towards the earth and then, with a single swift movement of his arms, he slammed her down into the stone floor. Even I, from my place prone on the ground, felt bad for Velvet after that. Summer seemed to share my sentiments.

“Damn Iron, is she even still alive?” She asked.

The huge minotaur picked up the beaten Changeling, checking her pulse with a single finger which managed to take up the majority of her neck.

“Aye, just unconscious. She’s a hardy one alright.” The minotaur admitted.

“Then she can still be taken into custody, despite how much I might want to do otherwise.” A new voice said, accompanied by the sound of hooves on the cobble floor.

I turned my neck from Iron and Summer to observe the newcomers, though I had a pretty good idea who it would be. I bet it’s Steel Mane and Zende. Sure enough the sight of the old striped doctor and the armoured Captain, who had another pony slumped across his back, came into view.

Someone best pick up the phone because I fucking called it!
...
That’s the spirit, joke your way through the pain.

The Captain and Zende seemed to notice my broken body and walked over to me casual, the uncaring bastards. I’m in terrible pain here and they couldn’t pick up the pace slightly.

“Hey Ace...you look like shit.” Zende commented.

“Still look better than you Zende. Hey Captain, did anyone ever tell you that’s not how you pick up chicks?”

The stern captain chose to ignore my quip, which is a shame because he really needs to lighten up a bit.

I mean, it’s not like he’s the one with the possibly broken spine.

“What happened here?” He demanded.

“Well, this crazy circus full on penguins came into town and what the hell do you think happened?” I replied, rather annoyed that no one was taking me to a hospital.

Once again he opted to ignore me. What am I some kind of doormat down here?

Heh, doormat. Get it? Cus I’m stuck on the ground and can’t move?

My back spiked up in pain again, as if to punish me for the terrible joke. Not really very fair considering I didn’t even say it out loud.

“Can we save the small talk for later?” Iron asked. “I’m pretty sure that Ace needs medical attention.”

“I agree with that statement!” I shouted from where I was lying.

I was quickly surrounded by a haze of blue light that gently lifted me off the ground, being careful not to move my back at all.

“Take us to the hospital.” Summer said, her voice broking no argument.

“Here, give him this.” I heard Zende say, though I couldn’t see him from where I was.

No! I don’t want any of Zende’s poisons. They’re horrible.

Before I could voice these protests my mouth had been forced open by a magical field and a liquid poured inside. I tried to spit it out but my lips were sealed closed until I was forced to swallow the foul brew.

Hey, that wasn’t that bad.

A few moments later my eyelids decided to skive off their jobs and tried to close early. My limbs seemed to agree that this was the perfect time to take the day off and promptly went slack. A few moments later I think my brain decided to join in with the strike.

Though I couldn’t be sure of that as I was unconscious by that point.

The length of this chapter is for two reasons. One reason is that I decided not to end on the same cliffhanger and torture you guys like that. The second is that this story recently hit 500 favorites! WOO! Yeah! So what I essentially did was combine two chapters into one large chapter to appease you insatiable readers, meaning I now have to get back to writing to catch up.

I shouldn't really need to do this but feel like it is better to be on the safe side. So here's a disclaimer:

Do not attempt to perform any of the tricks described in this chapter. Or any of the tricks described in this entire story. Seriously, I'm not joking. Ace is both a professional and, most importantly, fictional.

If I see in the news that someone tried to eat a fireball then I will be very disapointed with all of you.

And so will Ace.

Thanks for reading,
Barrel-of-fun.

Alternate Pasts and Multiple Presents

Edited by:
BlazinBlade7
PieisGood4U
fireshadow11

I awoke surrounded by darkness, a thing that is becoming a worryingly frequent occurrence. Seriously, this has got to be the third time this week this has happened. Did I actually die this time or is it another cop out on behalf of the universe?

“Hello Ace.”

Cop out it is then, cheap-ass universe. Can’t even kill me properly.

I turned to see the stunning figure of Lady Luck standing there, her beauty nearly blinding me. I managed to resist the urge to drop to one knee and speak in flowery poetry of her ethereal beauty, mostly because I was very angry at her.

“Hey, mind explaining what exactly happened back there? That wasn’t very lucky at all.” I demanded, a mistake I fancy.

She strode towards me, with each step she took I could feel the pressure upon me increasing. The sensation that I had no right to demand anything of her, that I should be begging forgiveness for my transgressions. As she approached she appeared to get larger and larger, to the point where she towered over my and I was left trembling in her shadow.

“You would dare to question me? Me, who has given you everything! All that you are, all that you could be, is beholden entirely to me!” I cowered away from her, not ashamed to admit that the force of the angry goddess' voice terrified me.

She looked down upon my pathetic form for a moment, her eyes still blazing in fury. Then, unexpectedly, she let out a sigh. All the anger vanished from her eyes and her shoulders slumped. She also began to shrink, from the size of a behemoth to being slightly smaller than I was. Kneeling down next to me she wrapped her arms around me, holding her arms around me and rocking me back and forth. I imagine this is what having a mother feels like. I felt secure and comforted. Even though she was the one who had caused my terror she still managed to console me.

Luck really is fickle.

“I hate rules.” She said softly to me, her voice lacking the powerful majesty that it held earlier. “Hate them all. Luck shouldn’t have to abide by rules, it should be free and wild. But, it is an inevitable fact that there are rules everywhere. The best we can hope to do is bend them slightly. This game that the gods are playing, in which the lives of mortals are used as a counter for who is winning, it too has rules. These state that outside deities cannot directly affect their pieces or the game.”

She took a long pause here, looking thoughtful.

“I may have bent the rules slightly here. I can’t make it so that arrows will never hit you or that swords will break when swung at you but I can make it so that they are unlikely to hit you.”

She stepped away from me and I rose shakily to my full height. Gone was the comforting motherly figure, in its place was the fiery, passionate god. She looked at me again, scrutinizing me under a piercing gaze.

“Would you like to see just how lucky you were back there?”

Once again she didn’t give me a chance to respond, instead casually sweeping an arm to one side in a grand gesture. Where she had indicated the air seemed to shimmer, eventually forming the shape of a large square. The lines of the square continued to become more pronounced whilst the interior formed into liquid metal, its quicksilver surface rippling as it was created.

When the magic had fully completed its works a large mirror hovered in the void and, with another wave from Lady Luck, its surface changed and began to show images...

The show had just begun and I could see myself, which is an unusual experience in and of itself. The other me had just got the crowd's attention with the flashy introduction followed by the trick with the dust. Now the entire crowd was watching me, all of them looking up in wonder.

The next part of my act began, the version of me up on the screen beginning with a simple backflip. To the crowd below it probably looked perfect, but to my professional eyes I could see that something had gone wrong. The screen satyr had overdone the flip, sending him slightly too close to the edge.

Which placed him in entirely the wrong position for the next trick.

As I watched, the other me grinned at his crowd before leaping into the air, flipping once and landing on his hands. However, his current position meant that his right hand, the one closest to the edge, slipped over slightly. His balance, a necessity during this trick, was lost and he began to sway around desperately. Both the crowd of ponies and I stared in horror as the magician slipped off the edge of the building, tumbling wildly through the air.

I flailed out, but the balcony that had once saved my life was too far away. My copy slammed into the ground at high speed headfirst, a stomach turning ‘crack’ echoing outwards from his point of impact.

“Ouch.” I said, wincing slightly. It was a strange thing to watch yourself die.

“Another.” The goddess beside me stated, waving her hand once more.

This time I was facing off against Velvet on the roof, her face angry and her horn charging a spell. Just like what I remember, Velvet shot off a bolt of flame heading directly for my face. Well, for my alternate self’s face at least.

This is getting a bit confusing.

The other me raised his hands to try and ward off the blow but, unlike myself, he didn’t react quick enough. He managed to catch most of the fireball but some flame slipped through the gap in between his hands. The small tongue of flame reached out and licked at his...my hair, the magical flame instantly setting it ablaze.

My copy screamed as he began to slap at the conflagration, desperately trying to put out the flame. He didn’t even see Velvet’s next attack coming, a bolt of pure force that sent his burning form flying from the rooftop.

“Do we really have to watch this? That one was just gruesome.”

Lady Luck glared at me, evidently still feeling that I hadn’t learnt my lesson.

“Another.”

I let out a sigh and turned back to the magical screen.

The other me hung from the edge of the building, Velvet standing over him. He was desperately clinging to the roof whilst the Changeling raised one perforated hoof above him. Rather than dropping down to not give her the satisfaction like I did, this version of myself decided to hold on til the bitter last.

The hoof shot down like a meteor, slamming into the top of my alternate self’s head with a crack and sending him tumbling into the void, too far out to reach the balcony that had saved my life.

Below him, the ponies weren’t moving quick enough, many of them gawking at falling satyr. One mare in particular, a unicorn, was standing directly underneath him when he landed.

The results were not pretty.

The weight of my other self landing on her head at such high speed drove her to the ground, her neck twisted at a wholly unnatural angle. She died immediately, unlike my alternate copy, who was left screaming in pain from the unicorn horn impaling him through the gut.

It took him quite some time to die, and Lady Luck made me watch all of it.

“Please...no more...” I begged her, but the goddess ignored my plea.

“Another”

Velvet stood over the prone form of my other self, a grin of vindictive triumph plastered across her muzzle. She gleefully raised one hoof into the air before slamming it down onto his head with the same sickening crack that I remember.

That looked like it really hurt.

She raised the other hoof and joyously slammed it into the copy's face a second time. Repeating this action over and over again, the grin on her face growing with each blow. Panting in exertion from the beating that she was giving out, she prepared for the final blow. She reared up into the air, hooves placed to crush the head of the other me.

Neighing in delight, she brought the heavy edges of her hooves down upon his skull, causing it to bounce against the floor like a ragdoll. Blood poured from the thick crack that she had left in his skull. She reared up again and slammed her hooves down into the same spot, widening the crack and sending fractures out from it. She did this again and again, until all that was left of his head was a bloody mess. Blood and brains were spread all over the cobbled square and had left Velvet’s chitin armour covered in sanguine.

“Enough!...That’s enough, I’ve learned my lesson.”

“Have you?” She asked, walking over to look me in the eye. Her stare seemed to pierce straight into my soul. She sighed, returning to the motherly personality.

“Why do you think I chose you to be my champion?” She questioned.

Huh, I honestly hadn’t thought why she had chosen me. Surely there were more capable humans out there? People who were stronger, faster, smarter than I was. Soldiers or scholars or tacticians. People who could lead others and command effortlessly. Who always knew what to do and could do what needed to be done. So why me?

As if hearing my internal question, my Goddess spoke up again.

“It’s true, I could have found someone better at direct combat than you are. I chose you because you play the fool but you definitely aren't one. You are deceptive and cunning. You are a thief, Ace, and that is exactly what I need. The rules of this blasted game state that I can’t use my full powers to save you all the time, so I need someone who doesn’t take chances. So far, you’ve disappointed me.”

Disappointed her? I thought I’d done quite well really. Considering the circumstances.

“You never should have been in that circumstance to begin with.” She said, reading my mind again. “Why do you insist on directly confronting your foes? Do you even realise how much of my power it takes to save you each time you do something stupid like that?”

I was about to confess that I didn’t, not having knowledge of magical power in relation to divine intervention. Before I could speak, she waved one hand and dismissed my thoughts.

“You must understand the nature of my powers. In things where probability is an important factor, such as card games and other such gambles, I have a lot of control. War, however, and all that other nasty fighting business is the domain of other, more brutal, gods. I am a far more subtle creature and I expect my champions to follow my lead in that respect. I want you to be more careful in the future, more stealthy. I have arranged for something to come your way that should help you with this. A lot. Use this gift well.”

I nodded my head, eager to do anything to prevent this terrifying bipolar god from getting angry with me.

“Um...well...if you don’t mind telling me but...do you have any other advice?” Damn it all, I sound like Fluttershy right now. Well you would be nervous too if you had the world’s most fickle goddess watching you.

“Only this, listen to your elders.” She said with a smile. “Now go, my champion...and good luck.”

She tapped me lightly on the head with one hand, the slight touch somehow making me tip back and fall.

And fall.

And fall...

I awoke to the sound of a really annoying alarm clock, the noise cutting through my skull and exasperating my headache. It went a bit like this:

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Oh it’s a heart monitor...does this mean that I still have to wake up?

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Quiet you.

I lazily reached up with one hand, my movements sluggish as if I was trying to move through custard. After a certain amount of searching I managed to find the pads on my chest that linked up to the monitor and quickly tore them off.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Oh sweet merciful Christ, that’s even worse! It’s like a knife being scraped around my eye sockets. Why would anyone do this? Why would they design a piece of hospital equipment to make such a distressing sound? This isn’t comforting at all! I am not at all comfortable right now.

I hate hospitals.

Thankfully somepony decided then would be a brilliant time to slam my door open to allow a gaggle of nurses and doctors to burst into my room, each one clucking at each other in incomprehensible medical jargon. I’ve never had much to do with medical types, they are often too fond of their own voices for my liking. Plus they love to spout various long words, often in Latin, to make themselves sound smarter. Therefore I decided to adopt my usual strategy when dealing with know-it-alls.

I ignored them.

“Would you all just shut up for a minute!?” I shouted over them, causing the ponies to immediately clam up and stare at me. “Alright, who is the most doctory doctor here?”

“That would be me I guess.” Said a unicorn stallion, stepping forward to my bed.

“Brilliant! So tell me, what’s up doc?” What? I couldn’t resist. Besides, Bugs Bunny, if he exists, would probably be proud of me.

That’s a point. I’m in a child’s cartoon world right now. I wonder if the Looney Tunes world exists somewhere.

“Well, the fall caused an injury to your spinal cord, resulting in temporary paraplegia. The blows to your face broke your nose and dislocated your jaw, as well as causing a fracture in your skull. Needless to say Mister Ace, you are lucky to even be alive, not to mention the possibility of brain damage.”

“Yeah, I always was a lucky one. Now, I believe that I have some visitors?”

“Yes...How did you know that?” He asked, looking at me oddly.

Lucky guess combined with divine assistance.

“Maybe that blow to the head gave me psychic powers.” I said sarcastically, drawing some glares from the hospital staff. The doctor left, grumbling something under his breath about snarky idiots.

What can’t anyone take a joke around here?

The medical ponies left, slamming the door shut behind them a tad too forcefully to be an accident. A few moments after they had left the door opened again, a blue face topped by a spiral horn poking its way round the barrier.

“Summer! Good to see you! How is my favorite saviour?”

“And what about me?” Another voice rumbled from behind Summer, Iron Will stepping into the room to follow the unicorn mare. Clutched in his hands was an unassuming brown bundle of cloth.

I was more surprised by who followed him. Zende, Steel Mane and...

“Ahh! It’s her! Get her away from me!” I shouted, beginning to panic.

“Ace! Ace! Calm down! It’s not the Changeling. This is the real Swirling Runes, you remember? The one you saw Velvet keeping prisoner?” Despite Summer’s testimony I continued to eye the mare warily.

“I’m very sorry for everything that’s happened...” Runes said softly. “It’s...it’s all my fault.” Her eyes were watering as she hung her head in shame. Steel Mane wandered over to her and threw a foreleg around her shoulders, drawing her in close. She looked up at the captain and smiled shyly at him as he wiped the tears from her eyes with one gentle hoof. I stared at them, their obvious behaviour making the entire room very awkward.

“So...how long has that been going on? In fact, how long have I been out?” I asked.

“It’s been about a week youngster.” Zende stated in his usual gruff tone.

A week?! Damn, it really didn’t feel like a week. They must have had me on some really good drugs.

“Aye, for a while there we almost lost you. I told the docs though, I told ‘em ‘There ain’t no way Iron Will’s friend would give up. Now you do everything you can or Iron Will’s gonna have to get SERIOUS!’ That got them moving post haste.”

Well that was nice of him...wait did he say ‘friend’? Does he...does he really consider me to be a friend?

“Yes, Iron, you were very impressive. Though I’m sure we’re all just glad that you’re alive.” Summer said, rolling her eyes at Iron’s macho behaviour.

“So, what did I miss? Other than the whole Steel and Runes thing...I don’t need to hear about that.” At the mention of their names the couple in question, who had managed to get lost in each other's eyes and would have probably been stuck like that for a while if it weren’t for my heroic intervention, looked up at me.

“We arrested the Changeling.” Steel said, coughing nervously and going into business mode. “She’s being escorted to Canterlot for questioning. As for the enchanted necklace she used...” He trailed off and looked over at Swirling Runes.

“Well...I felt really bad about what happened to you when you tried to help me. Then I suddenly had this really great idea...it was strange really. It just popped into my head...” She stared off into the distance, as if trying to remember something. She then shook her head and got back to what she was saying. “Anyway, I had the town tailor come in and take your measurements and make you this.” With that she lit her horn and levitated a package from inside her saddlebags and handed it over to me.

I looked curiously at the package for a moment before ripping open the brown paper like it was some kind of christmas present. With its coverings shredded around it the item inside was revealed, and what an item it was.

It was a brown coat, its length coming down to just below my waist, and made of a thick weave. It had a wide collar that could be popped up to provide partial protection against any bad weather and, I noticed, it had a very nice black lining on the inside. To many it would have looked like a simple, practical coat. The kind that would be popular in most frontier towns where practicality was valued far more than elegance. To me, however, it was the most wonderful coat in the whole world. It was the first present I had ever received.

It felt great.

“Do you like it?” Runes asked eagerly.

“It's...beautiful, thank you.” I said honestly.

“That’s not the best thing about it.” She said, her voice excited. “I reversed the Object of Desire enchantment that I had placed upon the necklace and applied it to the inside of your coat. If you flip it inside out so that the black side is showing then it activates a powerful See-me-not spell.”

“See-me-not?” I asked, curious and excited. Though nowhere near as excited as Runes was to show off her hard work.

“It’s a mental illusion spell, ranked at challenge grade five.” She said, as if she were reciting from a textbook. “It affects the perception centres of the brain, feeding them false information and telling them that the spellcaster isn’t really there. They could be looking right at you and, even if they know that something is there or that something should be there, they won’t know what it is. It won’t affect anypony intelligent enough to override the mental persuasion, or those perceptive enough to see through it, but it should work for most ponies.” She frowned here. “Or nasty old Changeling Generals.”

“Wow...that’s amazing Runes. I can honestly say that I’ve never got a gift so fine ever before. Truly I cannot thank you enough.”

She blushed at the compliment scraped her hoof on the floor in embarrassment.

“It’s the least I could do after you helped my brave Steel save me. Especially as you got hurt doing it.” She trotted over to me and threw her forelegs around my neck, squeezing me tight into her soft fur.

My first pony hug...it feels so nice.

Sadly the moment had to be ruined as simultaneous and very deep coughs came from two of the other beings in the room. Iron Will was coughing to get my attention before pointing at Steel Mane. Steel Mane was coughing as a polite way of telling me not to hug his mare for too long.

Such polite people...ponies...beings.

“Though I’m not sure it will measure up to that gift, and I certainly don’t want a hug from you, I also have something for you.” Iron said, handing over the smaller of the two bundles he was carrying.

I once again tore into the packaging, the taste of how awesome it is to receive a present just making me want more.

I suppose this is what Spike must have felt like.

This gift, although just as practical as Runes', was distinctly more dangerous. As promised, Iron had made me a weapon from the remains of my broken horn. The curving blade, designed for slashes but also quite capable of stabs, was made from a grey metal I found to be quite familiar, though I couldn’t place where I knew it from. The handle of the knife was made from my own horn, cleaned up and with streaks of metal running down it to strengthen it against another breakage.

“The blade is made from the same metal as those anti-magic rings back at the mine. I may have held onto a handful of them, not a lot but enough to forge that little blade.” Considering the size of Iron’s hands, a handful was quite a large amount really. “It’s not designed to absorb magic, but it can deflect it. I had to mix it with steel to strengthen it though. Whatever that anti-magic metal is, it’s not a hardy one.”

“Thanks, Iron. It’s perfect.” I said, holding the blade loosely in one hand before taking some practice slashes with it. Iron hadn’t been boasting when he claimed about his skill with a forge. The knife was perfectly balanced in my hand, despite the unusual materials that went into its creation.

“Aye, she’s a beauty ain’t she? I suspect you'll end up having to use her quite a lot, considering how much trouble you manage to get into. Although they'll have to try and get past me first.” Iron stated with a grin.

“Yeah...wait, what? You want to come with me?” I asked, rather surprised by this.

“Well, we can’t exactly let you go off and cause trouble on your own can we?” Summer said. “It wouldn’t be safe. No, for the good of Equestria I must accompany you on your travels.”

“I second that.” Steel Mane toned in. “Corporal Summer Storm, until further notice you are officially assigned to the duty of protecting and caring for the ‘satyr’ known as Ace. May Celestia help you.”

“You’re serious? You both want to come with me?” I asked, Iron and Summer both nodding without any hesitation. I managed to swallow the sob that threatened to leap from my throat, although judging by the looks on their faces I hadn’t managed to fully hide my joy.

Companions. Friends. Something I had never had before. This was all so new...so wonderful! I felt like leaping up out of the bed, dancing round the room and singing my head off. I managed to restrain myself from doing so...barely.

“But where will we be heading?” I asked, wondering if my new companions knew of a good place to go.

“I believe I may be able to help with that.” The largely silent Zende spoke up. I was almost ready to dismiss his words, regardless of what he actually said, when Lady Luck’s words came back to mind.

Listen to your elders.

I suppose this is what she meant. I acknowledged Zende with a nod and indicated he should make his point.

“I’m not sure how much you heard back in Steel Mane’s office but I’ll explain it again. After talking to the other refugees I found that we were all connected. We had all been hired as explorers and merchants by the East Equestrian Trading Company, one of the largest shipping companies in Equestria. They have offices all over the place but are mainly based in Maneapolis, Manehatten and Stalliongrad. The closest being the Maneapolis office, which is the one that hired me.” He shook his head sadly now. “However, the suspicions of one foolish old zebra aren't enough. If you could go there, if you could find some hard evidence of their crimes, then we might be able to stop them. Will you do it?”

I pretended to consider his offer for a bit, even though I already knew what my answer would be. Lady Luck had as good as ordered me to do what Zende wanted, not to mention the alluring chance of annoying some rich, heartless businessmen. I honestly couldn’t resist such an opportunity.

“Alright, I’ll do it. But what are you going to do now Zende?” Despite how much I might dislike, though some might call it fear, him. I was still concerned for the old zebra.

“Oh I think I might stay here, settle down. Try to keep these young idiots from destroying the town.” He chuckled, indicating Steel and Runes who had once again got lost in each other's eyes. “Besides, out here on the border my skills may finally be appreciated. I’m sick of you youngsters taking my potions for granted.” He glared at me here, causing me to shrink under his death glare.

“Okay okay! I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate your work Zende. You are a genius and deserve to be hailed as a master of your craft. May they build great statues of you from which birds will one day shit. Better?” My attempts at mollifying the zebra went unappreciated, he simply huffed and turned away. “So, when can I get out of this damn bed?” I asked Summer.

“Anytime you want. The docs kept you under a bit longer than necessary to make sure that you were fully recovered. Other than being slightly woozy you should be as good as new.”

“Brilliant, then let’s blow this popsicle stand. We have an evil corporation to take down.”

Almost half an hour later the three of us stood at the edge of town, supplies packed ready for the trip. It had been a long and tearful goodbye, one that I had found particularly awkward. I had never been much good at saying goodbye, I mostly try to leave without having to say it.

I adjusted the satchel of supplies that Steel had given me, making sure it was comfortable against my new coat. In the tradition of all great people, I had decided to name my magical item. Whilst other people in history had given their items great or heroic names I had decided to call mine something far more meaningful to its purpose.

I had gone with the Turncoat. Not a name to inspire trust I know but the name is more literal than it is metaphorical.

I looked left and right, observing my companions. Iron had a confident stride, his back straight and chest puffed out, a grin on his face. Upon his broad back was the majority of our supplies, all kept in a oversized backpack. To my right Summer had a pair of saddlebags nestled across her back, her face looking up at me with a smile.

“Maneapolis?” She asked.

“Maneapolis.” I confirmed, taking my first step towards adventure, my friends by my side.

The School of Hard Knocks

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
PieisGood4U
fireshadow11

For what must have been the fifth time this morning, I was knocked onto my ass, the sound of an evil chuckle reaching my dazed head.

“C’mon! Now you’re not even trying,” Summer called from the sidelines.

So far, Iron’s attempts to teach me how to fight had not been going so well. The ex-monster slayer had more than a few tricks up his sleeves when it came to fighting and his attempts to pass them on to me had mostly resulted in bruises on my behalf. Despite all my efforts I hadn’t even got close to touching Iron Will. The worst thing was I don’t think he was even putting that much effort into it.

We had been travelling for two days now, with Iron insisting on trying to improve my abilities with a sparring match every morning before we set out and every night before we lay down on our bedrolls. So far we hadn’t even got into using weapons yet. Iron had stated, in a rather zen-like way, that once a fighter knew how to use their fists then any weapons would just be like extensions of those fists. Which is how I ended up trying to fistfight a giant minotaur every day.

It’s not an experience that I would recommend to anyone really.

Whilst my advances in the field of pugilism may not be noteworthy, the other tortures that my companions had decided to subject me to had been going quite well. Speaking of which...

“My turn!” Summer shouted, bouncing forward like an excited schoolfilly. A lesser man might think that she enjoyed this next part, but I am above such assumptions.

I didn’t need to assume. I bloody knew.

Iron stepped away and took a seat on the grass, not even winded from beating seven kinds of hell outta me. Summer came forward to replace him and took a secure stance, lighting her horn up at the same time. Around her several small balls of pure electricity, about the size of a marble, were conjured by her magic. They began to slowly orbit her head as she stared me down, waiting for me to get ready. The shock orbs weren’t enough to kill anyone, Summer had said that they wouldn’t even do any permanent harm to small animals. They did, however, really hurt.

I let out a sigh and picked up my knife from where I had left it, the faux leather sheath that Iron had made to go with it abandoned alongside my belt and coat. No tricks for training, Summer and Iron had both said. It was a shame really. I had grown quite accustomed to the weight of the knife, hidden in its sheath under my coat and behind my back. I had found that the most comfortable and practical placement for the knife was strapped so that it was diagonal on the back of my belt, it could be drawn pretty swiftly with a single movement of my coat and it didn’t bounce around on my hip and annoy me. The length of the coat easily concealed the weapon from anyone who might be perverted enough to be looking at my backside.

I guess I wouldn’t be able to blame them really. I’m sexy and I know it.

It’s a good thing that Summer can’t read my mind, if she heard me say that she would probably triple the amount of orbs used for today's training. For now though, the eight spheres levitating around her were more than enough. I hesitantly raised my knife before me, in the stance that Iron had drilled into my head. A standard boxers stance, knees slightly bent and with the knife held in a reverse grip in my right hand. I gently began to move the knife in front of me, carving a figure of eight into the air.

Summer gave a small smile, and with a quick spark of her horn, began my training. The first three orbs shot at me, travelling so fast they were nothing but a blur. The first was heading straight for my arm, a simple movement allowing me to sway out of its way. The second aimed for my right leg but was foiled when I simply stepped over it, allowing it to impact harmlessly with the ground and disperse. The third was heading directly for my torso, specifically my heart. If this were an arrow then it would undoubtedly be a lethal shot. By turning my body to one side and simultaneously bringing my knife carrying arm round, I managed to deflect the shot off the side of the blade. The magical projectile let out a high pitched whine, almost as if it were complaining as its course was forcefully changed for it.

Having passed the first challenge, I turned back and smirked at Summer. Then I made my first mistake. I raised my free hand and held it open before beckoning with it twice in the famous ‘bring it on’ sign. A sign that apparently transcended cultural barriers and was even known to species that lacked hands as Summer simply raised one eyebrow, then summoned five more orbs.

She then sent all ten of her zap spheres flying directly at me.

I managed to smack the first two away with a couple of quick slaps from my knife. The next one was moving too fast for me to block, forcing me to spin around it like a rugby player avoiding a tackle. I noted as I spun that the next shot was heading to take my hooves out from under me, so as I turned I leapt up into the air, causing the shot to fly underneath me. Now that I was airborne my options for dodging were limited. I couldn’t exactly dodge and weave whilst in the air, but there was one thing I could do. With I grunt I threw my right arm forward, at the same time swinging my left arm back. The momentum of this movement allowed me to spin in the air, increasing my speed and causing me to reach the ground before Summer expected me to, meaning that two more shots were wasted trying to hit where she thought I was going to be.

I landed in a crouch, immediately looking up to assess my situation. Another orb was zooming in, forcing me to throw myself to the side and tuck into a roll to avoid it. The moment I regained my hooves I had to bring my knife up to deflect another attack, but this one wasn’t as simple as those first two. Rather than trying to travel in straight line directly at me it curved, trying to wind around my block like a snake. To counter this I simply took a step back, increasing the distance between myself and the orb. With sufficient room to move now gained, I swiftly swung my arm, slapping the sphere to the ground.

Ha! I win! I may not be great at fistfighting but when it comes to cowardly dodging I have no equal!

Wait a second...that was only nine shots. Where’s number ten?

I quickly leapt back into my stance, my eyes darting around as I hunted for the attack that Summer had held in reserve. Looking over at her I noticed a triumphant smirk adorning her blue muzzle, the same one she wore when she beat General Velvet. That’s never a good sign.

All I saw of the attack was a flash of blue light, before feeling an intense pain shoot through my right arm, numbing it and causing my knife to drop to the ground. Despite the shock running through my system I still mentally applauded Summer’s artful finesse. Whilst I had been distracted blocking all her fast moving shots she had slowly and carefully sent one of her orbs to hover above me, waiting for the perfect moment. This mare might well have as many fighting tricks as Iron does. What the hell do they teach Guard ponies nowadays? The ones in the show seemed to only have taken classes in attaining the perfect poker face.

Still, at least I could claim I was getting better at all this. She had only hit me once today and Iron hadn’t even knocked me unconscious.

“Nice work kid, you almost got it that time. Though you might want to get rid of all that fancy acrobatic nonsense. It’s a fight, not a stage show. Focus on small, practical movements rather than big flashy ones.” Iron said from his comfy position of being the guy not getting shot at by lightning.

“I think that’ll be enough for today. We don’t want you dropping dead the moment we reach the city gates.” Summer commented. She too didn’t look the slightest bit tired after using her magic to pummel me. Then again I don’t really know how much energy using magic takes out of a pony. That exercise might have been the magical equivalent of throwing stones for all I know.

One interesting thing I had noted throughout the training sessions was that Lady Luck had apparently decided to withdraw her blessing from me for the duration of each session. This made a certain amount of sense, I was forced to admit. It meant that during the sessions I was actually improving, rather than relying on my luck to save my hide. The more skilled I am, the less luck I need, which means the less power my Goddess has to expend helping me out.

Still, those lightning orbs hurt like a bitch. She couldn’t throw the occasional lucky save my way could she?

I reached down and grabbed my knife off the floor, shoving it back into its sheath and slipping both it and my coat back on. The others insisted that we pack up all our stuff before we do my training, they said something about me being too tired to pack up afterwards. We simply slipped our respective bags on and set off, continuing along the same road we had been following for two days towards Maneapolis.

So far, our travels had been fairly simple. A standard routine of spending the day walking, stopping for a bite to eat every so often, before stopping at night and setting up camp. We had managed to build up quite a repertoire as we travelled, sharing the occasional secret or fear. Iron had told us about his clan as well as the first minotaur girl he had ever loved. I had a hard time imagining what a minotaur woman would look like, would it just be Iron Will with breasts?

That’s a rather terrifying mental picture.

'Iron Will is capable of producing MASSIVE quantities of lactose fluid! If you don’t believe me then IRON WILL WILL SHOW YOU!'

Like I said, a terrifying mental picture.

Summer had told us about her first day in the Guard, and how she had been pranked by all the other troops. Apparently it was a Guard tradition to prank the newbie. Kind of surprising revelation really, observed from the outside the guard just appear to be faceless, emotionless model soldiers. It was quite easy to forget that they were as fun loving as the next pony.

I had even told some tales about my previous exploits, the time I performed in Piccadilly Circus and another time that I had tangled with a mime who had encroached on my spot.

Seriously, fuck mimes.

I had to be careful I didn’t let anything slip about humans though. As far as my friends knew I was just an unusual foreigner from some far away port, I couldn’t be sure how they would react if they knew I was actually an alien. Best to play it safe, I’m going to keep that particular titbit close to my chest.

Having an interesting conversation going caused the journey to fly by, our hooves eating up the miles as easily as I had eaten my apple that morning. It was a really nice apple as well, I wonder if it came from a member of the extended Apple family?

Considering the amount of those apple loving ponies, chances point to ‘yes’.

With the conversation helping our journey along its way, we made good time, and the gates of Maneapolis came into view on the horizon just as the sun was high above us. Getting into the city was a swift and simple process, Summer was able to talk to the guards and get us past fairly easily. If anyone was curious about my race or our weapons, they kept it to themselves. Other than a stern warning that any use of said weapons would result in swift punishment we were left almost entirely to our own devices.

As we passed under the large gate, I got my first view of Maneapolis. It was a city of contrasts, its large stone wall an anachronism compared to some of the interior architecture. The houses closest to the wall were made of simple wood and thatch, the sort you'd expect to see in most medieval towns. From where I was standing I could see larger, more elaborate houses rising off into the distance. These buildings appeared to gleam in the bright sunlight, their shining marble walls giving the impression that they shone with a light of their own.

Even from this first glance I could see that walking towards the city centre would be like receiving a lesson in the gap between high and low class.

On the other side of the city, past the noble quarter yet hugging as close to it as possible, was a smattering of quite tall towers. Whilst they dwarfed the buildings around them in sheer size, they were infinitely outmatched in splendour by the mansions that they crowded round. They appeared to try and compensate for this by having as many sparkling windows dotted around their frame, the bright glass standing out starkly against the dull stone of each tower. Rather than increasing the magnificence of each tower, the windows actually just seemed to highlight their flaws. Especially when compared to the pristine marble of the nearby mansions.

“Right, we need information on the East Equestrian Trading Company. I have some sources from the old days that I can contact." Iron said, his tone authoritative. “Summer, you check in with the guard. Find out what they know and, if you can, who’s paying them to look the other way.” Summer gave a terse nod to this. “Ace you…do whatever it is you do…we’ll meet at an inn on the western edge of town called the ‘All Bar One’. Alright?”

“Aye Sir!” Summer and I both shouted, getting caught up in Iron’s commanding voice.

They both set off, going to check their respective sources, leaving me to ponder what exactly I could do to get some helpful information.

I heard something about a place of business where one may acquire alcoholic beverages…

I happily set off in search of the ‘All Bar One’.

Hey look, a proper line break rather than those terrible ten dashes I've been using so far. I feel like such a professional now.

Anyways, here is the beginning of a new arc which, for the moment at least, shall be known as 'In the Company of Thieves'.
Pretty swanky title if I do say so myself.

A quick note on the length of various chapters. You may have noticed that at the start of a new arc the chapters tend to be around the 2K area, whilst later on they progress to around 4-5K. I would just like to say that, whilst I hope I am able to keep up this trend and deliver longer chapters, I am now back at college and might not be able to do so. Now that I am in my second year at college I have a lot more coursework to keep up with if I want to leave with decent results...and I would rather I didn't get bad results and get sent back to...WRITER'S KINDERGARTEN! DUN DUN DUUUUN!

As always thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy my third story arc,
Barrel-of-fun.

Bovian Rhapsody Part Two - Mind Games

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
Blazinblade7
fireshadow11

Playing chess against Missy was...a unique experience to say the least.

The game itself was a bit of a blur to me. I had never really played chess before and only barely grasped all the rules for each piece. Needless to say my moves were random and I was relying entirely on Lady Luck’s blessing to carry me to victory. Not really paying attention, I began to whistle a jaunty tune to amuse myself, noting Missy’s ears flickering in annoyance on the high notes.

Missy appeared to be contemplating her next move with care, her eyes flickering around the board as she plotted. Her eyes shot up to stare at the grate bars behind me and, curious, I turned around to see a pegasus mare flying by, her cherise coat mixing well with her light rose coloured mane. Her cutie mark was three flowers, arranged in a way that gave her a shocking resemblance to someone familiar that I couldn’t quite place. I turned back to Missy, noting that her eyes had followed the pegasus mare until she disappeared out of sight. Shaking her head slightly as if to clear it she turned her eyes back to the game.

Several more moves passed, more of my pieces disappearing off of the board with each move, when pieces of dust began to fall from the ceiling. We both looked up, wondering what exactly was going on. Outside the window I heard a loud shout.

“Ponies of Maneapolis! Are you ready to DROP THIS BASS!?” As soon as this proclamation was finished a booming beat reverberated the entire prison, the sound managing to cause mortar to fall from the ceiling. I noted with curiosity that my teeth appeared to be vibrating.

A loose brick in the ceiling shattered, sending half of it down to slam on the table whilst the other half remained firm in the ceiling. The bricks impact caused all the pieces to jump but they all came down safely and in their correct position, save one of Missy’s that decided that the spot a couple of places to the left looked like a much better place to land, coincidentally in a favourable position for me to take it. Missy placed her hoof on a piece, paused, and looked at the board again. She moved her hoof back and forth over the board, before finally putting the errant piece back in its proper spot, and then making her actual move.

Soon after we heard another shout, this one much closer, as the pony responsible for the earlier incident was dragged past my cell by the guards.

“You can’t do this! It’s a free country! Fascists! Fascists!”

“Where should we take her boss?” I heard one of the guards ask.

“Any of the cells will do.” a tired voice replied “Just make sure that it’s a soundproof one.”

I looked down at the board in some surprise, the black pieces arranged in their final attack. I very rarely lost at games, my luck usually pronouncing me the victor somehow. Losing was...a rather new concept. I looked up at the cow on the other end of the table, that infuriating smile once again on her lips.

“So about that wager of yours...”

“Yeah whatever, what do I need to sign?”

“Nothing so formal - if I cannot trust you to keep your given word, then a mere piece of paper would have no power to bind you. Now then I believe that in order for you to be able to work at your best potential, you should have your preferred set of tools.” She reached once more into the bag and withdrew my belt and coat before passing them over the table towards me. “I am curious about some of your property; perhaps if you answer some of my questions, I could answer some of yours.” I gave a shrug to this, too preoccupied with putting my belt back in its rightful place and slipping my coat back on. “Very well, would you care to explain the properties of your coat? My unicorn was able to sense magic of some kind but was unable to place its exact source.”

“Oh that, it’s a gift from Swirling Runes back in White Tail, I assume you mean the dark side of it? It has a powerful See-me-not charm, made by the reversing of the Object of Desire enchantment. It doesn’t make me invisible as much as it makes me less noticeable, ponies will walk past me without giving me a second glance. Does something to their brains apparently, makes them not want to know that I’m there, even if they know for a fact that I am there. I call this little beauty the Turncoat, pretty poetic don’t you think?”

“I see. Do you have any concern about the ethical issues involved in playing with somepony’s mind?”

“No, not if the alternative is being killed by angry guards. Although I do realise that in the wrong hands this knowledge opens the doors for a lot of abuse so I ask that you be careful who you tell this to. Better yet, keep it to yourself.”

“Trust me - if there is one thing I know how to do, it’s how to keep a secret.”

“Discretion is often the better part of valor in my experience. Now for my question, what exactly is this?” I displayed the spray can that I had pilfered from her pockets at the start of the chess game “Some kind of mouth spray?” I was so preoccupied with examining the device that I didn’t notice her eyes widening.

“No! Wait!” Eyes wide, she held up a hoof, but she was too late. I had already opened my mouth and sprayed some inside, rolling my tongue around as I tried to place the taste of it. Kind of peppery...

The moment the taste touched the back of my throat I felt it constrict, protesting the presence of this foreign poison. I fell off my chair, clawing at my neck as I choked. The peppery taste had evolved from a mere tingle to a raging inferno inside my mouth, burning my taste buds and inflaming my gums. It felt as if I had been clocked in the jaw by some kind of living fire, the intense pain refusing to subside for several minutes. When it was finally over I grabbed onto the table and hauled myself back to my feet, slumping back into the chair almost immediately.

At the other end of the table Missy looked at me, rather concerned. In addition to a first aid kit, including what I hoped wasn’t a tracheotomy kit, she had managed to acquire a glass of water, presumably from the guard outside. I immediately grabbed it and took a swig, before spraying it out into one corner of the cell. Whatever that stuff had been I did not want it getting into my stomach. Now feeling in only a reasonable amount of pain rather than the excruciating agony from earlier I felt almost capable of talking again.

“Got a hell of a kick to it.” I managed to gasp out, in between wheezing breathes.

“Yes, to answer your earlier question that is pepper spray, a non-lethal defensive weapon, I hope you’re not always that reckless.”

“I’m still alive aren’t I? Anyway, I’m wondering why a nice heifer like yourself would require pepper-spray... when you have something far more effective with you.” I casually waved a hand to where the subtle roaming of my hands had noticed a rather bulky shape. Further investigation had uncovered the disturbingly familiar barrel of a pistol. The weapon had been adapted for use with hooves rather than hands but it was still a shock to see it here, especially as such an effective weapon wasn’t even in use among the guards. This ‘Missy’ was the first individual I had run into with any knowledge of firearms. Much less the possession of one. Just who exactly was she?

There was an awkwardly long pause before she answered, during which several flickers of expression passed over Missy’s face. Eventually, she said, “Assume that you had no magical ability. And a bunch of unicorn stallions wanted to rape you. What options do you have to defend yourself with, given that they can simply lift you into the air and let you struggle all you want, and you can’t blast them back with any magic?”

“I assume I don’t have my belt with me?” She nodded. “Hmm, I guess on a logical level I have to concede that you have a point. On a personal level however, I just don’t agree with such a weapon. Call it personal experience.”

“Perhaps after you have a personal experience with actual, honest-to-Celestia rapists, you might change your mind. What’s the old saying - ‘a conservative is just a liberal who’s been robbed’? As long as you don’t try to impose victim disarmament into the law of the land, and it doesn’t affect your performance as an agent, I have absolutely no concern about what your personal opinions or choices on such matters are.”

“Is every conversation with you going to turn into a discussion on ethical philosophy? ‘Cus I can already see this turning out to be a wonderful working relationship. Thanks to your hypothetical rape question I believe it is my turn now... are you aware of the event known as the ‘Chess Game of the Gods’?”

“Naturally; it is the name of the most popular theory being proposed to explain the variety of unusually-minded beings in Equestria and its environs, some of whom claim to have extra-Equestrian knowledge.”

“Yeah, well I’m kind of a part of that, if it wasn’t already obvious. Lady Luck decided that the game needed a little more... randomness. That is where I come in apparently. How are you involved?”

“Part of my job is to investigate what risks, if any, they pose to Equestria’s ponies and other citizens.”

“So you’re the Bovines in Black?” She blinked. “Not to worry about me, I have no intention of harming any ponies unless I’m forced to. For one thing, they’re just so adorable. It would be like kicking a puppy. Your turn.”

“What is your purpose here in Maneapolis? Outside, of course, committing lèse majesté.”

“I’m following a lead I got back in White Tail. There’s no way that the Diamond Dogs would be able to kidnap so many ponies without getting noticed and taken down, at least not without help from the inside. I’ve found that many of the ponies who were kidnapped were explorers and travellers hired by the East Equestrian Trading Company. I suspect they may be paying these ponies to explore certain areas and then having the Diamond Dogs take them. The dogs get slaves and the Company gets valuable minerals from the dogs in exchange. The Company has an office here in Maneapolis, I was going to break in and see if I could find any evidence of their misdeeds.”

“What would your plan have been, if you did find convincing evidence?”

“Don’t worry your pretty little horned head about that. I’m not going to blow them up, despite how much I might want to. I was intending to find the proof and then hand it off to the guards so that they can be taken down legally and permanently. After all, a destroyed office block is a setback but it won’t stop the people in charge.”

“I believe my agency can be of assistance there. If you acquire any account books, ledgers, or other evidence of such crimes, and pass it on to our agents, then we can take this straight to the highest levels. The Company’s owners would face a fury they would never recover from.”

“Got it, I was fairly worried that the Company might be able to pay off any corrupt guards and all my hard work would go to waste, but this neatly solves that problem. Provided of course, that I can trust you?”

“That is entirely up to you, though I recommend you do. I am quite willing to gamble my reputation on getting you out of a situation like this one, on initial good faith. As long as you prove to be competent, and provide valuable information, I will be quite willing to continue assisting you in dealing with the intricacies of the Equestrian bureaucracy. In return, assuming you really do wish to continue making slavers’ lives as unpleasant as possible, then you, in turn, must trust that I will be able to put the information you send me to the best possible use.”

“Very well then, you've already proved your competence to me with that game of chess. We have an accord.” I got up to leave.

“Before you go - I have a question or two, off the clock, I’d like to ask.” She had that smile again.

“Were you aware that certain unicorns are able to cast spells which affect the past - including sending entire ponies back in time? I ask since somepony with access to that power would very likely be able to manipulate all the Hidden Variables that underlie what you call your incredible luck.”

“Your point being?”

Her smile got much wider. “How do you know that I, myself, am not Lady Luck? Always hidden in the background, manipulating factors and ensuring your survival?” Wow, that’s actually a good point. I suppose it could be possible that a time traveller could change various things and help me out here and there. But unfortunately for her point I had already met Lady Luck in person and she and Missy looked nothing alike.

“Sorry, but unless you gain the ability to transform into a busty redheaded lady with the ability to rip people across the dimensions then I’m going to have to call bullshit on that...no offence.”

“None taken, though I’m actually a heifer, not a bull. While there are some magics that can change shapes - I know one former unicorn who now seems quite content as a seapony - I’m not aware of any mortal magic which can reach to other worlds.” She paused, then added, “Of course, that’s not to say that there aren’t any, and that I won’t find any in my future. So I suppose there’s still a non-zero chance I’m really her. The fun part is figuring out exactly how close to zero that chance really is.

Her eyes twinkled. “Care to make a wager?”

Missy had left now, her troubling proposition still firm in my mind. I’m not entirely sure that I can trust that heifer but right now I don’t have much of a choice. She’s my only link to any sort of government authority and thus the best chance I have of permanently shutting down the internal problem of slavery.

I reach into one of my pouches and remove a small, sturdy pocket watch, checking the time for what felt like the fiftieth time today. It had been four hours since Missy had sauntered out of the jail, more than enough time for any observers to move on. If one thing had been clear from our meeting it was that Missy had enemies, anyone playing such a deadly game had to have someone playing against them. She was balanced on the edge of a knife and the last thing I want to do is to be pulled over with her.

I like Missy, but I’m not quite ready to die for her yet.

After returning the pocket watch to its pouch, I reached into another and pulled out an unusual item, one that wouldn’t be found in most magicians arsenals. This particular tool was specific to my ‘nighttime’ endeavours. Specifically those that involved me breaking into places of high security and liberating objects of great value.

In other words, thievery.

The tool looked a lot like a cheesewire. It had two wooden grips with a thin wire stretched in between them, but it was the wire itself that made this tool so useful. The wire was infused with diamond dust, allowing it to cut through most forms of metal with ease thanks to the hardness of the diamonds. Back home this particular gadget cost me a pretty penny, almost three months wages, but here in Equestria I’m sure it would be a lot less considering the abundance of gems. Bet they don’t have the technique for infusing it into wire though, that one I’m keeping to myself.

I looped the wire around the bars on the window and began to happily pull it back and forth, whistling as I worked. The whistling had two effects, it not only cheered me up as I worked but it also drowned out the noise of me cutting through the metal bars. It wasn’t long before the wire had done its deed, leaving a clean cut straight through the top of the bars. I yanked them down and out of the way, before putting the wire back in my belt and making sure all my pouches were secure about my person.

I was about ready to enact my escape when an idea came to me. The guards had kept me locked up in here for most of the day now, secure in the idea that this facility could contain me. It had been really kind of them to put me up with lodgings like that, I should really leave them something in return. Pulling a piece of chalk out of my belt, I got to work defacing my cell.

Remember kiddies, when you’re about to do something stupid and potentially suicidal it’s always best to do it in style.

Stepping back I looked at my handiwork and smiled. It may have taken at least another hour to do but it was totally worth it. I wish I could stick around and see the expressions on the guards faces, but that would probably ruin the effect.

I gripped the edges of the now barless window and hauled myself up, squeezing and contorting my body through the small gap. I then hung on to the outside edge of the window and looked down.

God, I really hope this works.

Letting go of the edge of the window, I kicked off the wall and twisted my body around in mid-air so that I was plummeting head first towards the ground. The wind whipped my hair around my face as I fell, my braid often jumped around to slap me in the face as if it wanted to punish me for my stupidity.

The ground was approaching fast now and I decided it was perhaps time to get ready for an epic landing. Spinning my arms forward whilst simultaneously moving my legs backwards I managed to create enough momentum to allow me to flip over so that I was now falling back first towards the ground.

I wonder if I’ve reached terminal velocity yet? Maths never really was my strong suit. I can’t even remember the equation for working out terminal velocity. Oh well, if this doesn’t work then I’ll be turned into a pancake whether I’ve achieved terminal velocity or not. My musings were interrupted by me slamming into the ground at high speed, the only thing stopping me from dying horribly was the cartful of hay that I had aimed my body towards. The hay had managed to break my fall and stop me from dying but it still hurt like a bitch.

As I stumbled out of makeshift crash mat I noticed several ponies looking at me with expressions ranging from horror to confusion to admiration. Picking several pieces of hay from my hair and brushing some more off my shoulders I addressed the crowd.

“What? You’ve never seen someone plummet from the top of a tower onto a pile of hay before?”

Everything I know about escaping prisons, I learnt from playing Assassins Creed.

A couple of hours after Aces escape

Guard Private Stalwart Shield hated prison duty. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was just standing around in silence, the Guard were trained to do that. What they weren’t trained to handle was the insufferable whining of ponies who felt that they had been wronged by the system. Delivering food to them simply allowed them to complain more. When they asked him why they were being fed gruel and bread, or why their cells were unpleasant, he always had the same response.

‘It’s prison, what in Tartarus were you expecting?’

Still, there was the occasional enjoyment of prison duty. You sometimes got an interesting inmate who you could discuss at length with the other guards. What they did to get locked up, how dangerous they are, what you would do to stop them if they escaped.

Guards are well known to be unstoppable gossips whilst off-duty.

The prisoner ‘Ace’ was something new though. Stalwart Shield had never seen anything quite like him. The best description he could think of was some kind of wimpy looking minotaur. But that wasn’t the most interesting thing about him. His visitor, the heifer in the suit, was known to be high up in the government, even if no one was quite sure how high. What would she want with some puny fool was beyond Stalwart, but he slightly pitied this ‘Ace’ fellow.

He slipped the key into the lock to Ace's cell and shoved the door open, food held out before him as a peace offering. The tray fell from his mouth a few moments later as he beheld the room. His shock not only due to its complete lack of a prisoner but also because of the vandalism that said prisoner had left behind.

Upon the far wall was a very well drawn picture of the escaped inmate blowing a kiss towards the viewer whilst two forms lay at his feet, looking up at him adoringly. One of the figures was clearly the heifer that Stalwart had seen enter the prison a few hours earlier. The other was a far more regal figure, instantly identifiable from her regalia and cutie mark as Princess Luna. Both the biped and his two apparent concubines had a speech bubble extended from their mouths up to the words written in large block capitals, as if the speakers were shouting them in the Royal Canterlot Voice.

Stalwart Shield wasn’t entirely sure what ‘Fuck Da Police!’ meant, but he was fairly sure that it wasn’t very polite.

This has been a crossover with DataPacRat's Myou've Gotta Be Kidding Me. I recommend you all go check it out. It is ridiculously intelligent, funny and updates every couple of days.

Thanks for reading,
Barrel-of-fun

A Well Dressed Minotaur

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
Blazinblade7
fireshadow11

The ‘All Bar One’ was pretty empty now. It was almost eerie, especially if you consider the fact that last night the place had been filled to the rafters with rioting ponies. Many of which had found themselves hanging from the rafters after being hit by an enthusiastic Princess. The bartender had filled me in on what had happened last night, including my latest attempts at combining the art of singing with the art of drinking excessively.

This had been met with moderate success.

I was now sat in one of the many shadowy corners, observing as the bartender cleaned up the wreckage from last night’s activates and a barmare served the few patrons their drinks. I suppose this is what it is like to be in school after hours, or in an office after the working day has ended, though I’ve never had much experience with either activity. I wonder if it is my lack of schooling that has led to me being unable to hold down a ‘proper’ job.

I wonder if I should care about this.

No, I don’t believe I should. I believe that I should devote 100% of my attention to sitting here, smoking my pipe and looking as enigmatic as possible. It takes a surprising amount of energy to build up a true air of mystery. First you have to look like you don’t care about anything at all, especially not caring. By not caring about not caring, or at least looking like you don’t care about not caring, then you truly look like you don’t care about anything.

It can get rather complex at times.

I was mainly just waiting for Iron and Summer to get here with whatever information they had managed to gather from their sources. Also, I couldn’t wait to tell them about my meeting with Missy. I bet they expected I would do nothing but get drunk and mess about.

They were right but that doesn’t mean I can’t get stuff done as well.

Fortunately I didn’t have to wait very long, Summer and Iron entered together, complaining about the stubbornness of the guard they had harassed about my release. Oh this is going to be priceless!

Play it cool Ace, let’s milk this for as much awesomeness as possible.

The moment they noticed me sitting in a corner they both stopped and stared, their jaws hanging loose. It started off being fairly comical, I had to restrain myself from laughing out loud at their expressions. Then it slowly began to get awkward, now I had to resist the urge to shift about uncomfortably as they continued to gaze at me.

“Hey guys...what’s up?” I stated casually.

“Three hours...” Summer said, an edge to her voice.

“Sorry, what?”

“Three hours we complained, three hours wasted trying to get you out of prison, and you were here the entire time?!”

“Well...no. To be fair I only broke out about half an hour ago.” I said defensively.

“You broke out of prison!? You’re supposed to be travelling in the company of an Equestrian Guard. Me! The fact that you were in prison was bad enough, but breaking out! Why would you do that!?” She screamed at me. This was turning out to be very un-awesome.

“Well, in my defence I felt that breaking out was the best thing to do to prove to any spies that might be watching that I wasn’t in any way connected with the Equestrian government. To be specific, one very important part of the Equestrian Government...” I then proceeded to explain my meeting with the mysterious Missy and her unusual offer. By the time I had finished my wondrous tale, Iron and Summer had managed to pick their jaws up off of the floor and had taken a seat at my table, ordering themselves some drinks.

“So...am I forgiven?” I finally asked.

“I suppose.” Summer said begrudgingly. “Just don’t let it happen again.” Iron nodded in agreement.

“Don’t get drunk, punch a princess, get arrested, meet a secret government agent and get hired to do freelance intelligence work for them again?” They both nodded. “Okay...I’ll try. So, what information did you get?”

Iron went first, starting off with self-satisfied grin. I wonder if I should have made this a competition, really motivate them to find something.

“Well, I know some ponies in this city that owe me a few favours. After calling them in I got a bit of information about the pony in charge of the Maneapolis branch of the Company. His name is Profit Margin, an earth pony who was raised on one of the farms outside the city. He apparently disregarded his families down-to-earth ways, went to the big city and joined up with the Company. He’s managed to work his way up through the ranks, made a reputation for himself as a ruthless pony, willing to do anything to turn a profit. He eventually got promoted to CEO after the previous CEO stood down. Kind of suspicious the way he left...”

“How’d he leave?” I asked.

“Hastily.” Iron responded. “One day Profit Margin is promoted to Junior Executive directly below the CEO in the food chain, the next the CEO clears off and runs away, making room for Margin.”

“Sounds like the old CEO knew what was good for him then. Summer you get anything?”

“A lot actually, you know how guards love to gossip.”

“I am aware of this fact...” I said, feeling a flashback coming on.

I recall one particular excursion when I was younger. At some point I had managed to give the slip to whoever was supposed to be watching me at the time and, utilising the infinite imagination that only an eight year old possesses, had decided that a high-security military base looked like a brilliant place to play hide and seek. I somehow managed to get pass the electric fence, still not sure how I did that, and spent twenty minutes concealed inside a ventilation shaft before a wandering guard noticed my giggling. He pulled me out and took me to the guard station until someone could come and collect me, which is where I learnt just how gossipy guards can be.

Of course, they were mostly just discussing whether it would be alright to use a taser on me. I could be quite an annoying child when someone decided to be rude and cut my playtime short.

“Ace, are you even listening to me?” Summer asked, snapping me out of my sort of fond memories.

“Erm...yes? Actually, I’m going to be honest here, I completely phased out for a moment. What were you saying?” I replied, causing her to sigh.

“I was saying how the guards told me that Profit Margin is insanely jealous of the unicorn nobility. Apparently he has tried to buy himself a title three times, but each time the noble in question rejects him out of hoof for being a ‘common earth pony’.” I raised an eyebrow at this. “Not my words alright? Not all unicorns are like that, just some who deserve to have their horns shoved in a place where Celestia dare not venture.”

“So, we have a wealthy, ruthless businesspony who wants to play garden parties with all the prissy nobles. I have a vague idea on how to get to him...but it may need some work. Summer, how are foreign nobles treated by the Equestrian nobility?” I asked, leaning back and stroking my chin with one hand.

“With the respect their station deserves for the most part. The nobles often seem to feel more of a kinship to a foreign nobles than they do to a commoner. Why? What are you thinking of doing?”

“Oh, me? I’m not going to do anything. If all goes to plan I won’t even talk to Mr.Margin. No, the blame here lies with Lord Iron Will, Master of the Fiery Peaks and down on his luck noble of the minotaur people.” I said, grinning at my two compatriots.

“Me? What do you expect me to do?” Iron asked, bewildered.

“I expect you to play a part. You used to be a stage performer right? I hope you’ve still got it, ‘cus you’re going to need to convince the good Mr. Margin that you are the real deal.”

“And then what?”

“Then you are going to sell him your title and all the honour and prestige that go with it. Margin gets to feel like a proper noblepony...at least for a little while. That is step one of my plan to take away everything he has.”

“You have a two-step plan? This is...actually a new one for you. Go on, dazzle us with your brilliance.” Summer snarked.

“Well then you might want to put on some sunglasses my dear, because this is where I shine!” I grandly swept my arms out, every inch the showman I knew I was at heart. “Profit Margin has two things, his personal riches and his position in the Company, correct?” They both nodded at this. “Then to take him down fully, and I mean completely ruin him, we need to take away both of these things at the same time. That’s where my newest friend comes in. Here’s how it’s all going to go down...”

Much later, and after a lot of arguing about various details of my plan, we were almost ready. There was just one small problem to get past first.

“I don’t see why I have to prance about in this ridiculous getup.” Iron will stated grumpily, holding his arms out wide as the tailor pony continued to adjust what could only be described as the most frilly outfit ever seen outside of a performance of the Scarlet Pimpernel.

“I told you Iron, it’s a disguise. You look like a real nobletaur now, I bet all the ladies will be swooning at your feet. That’s what high class ladies do isn’t it? They swoon. They can’t just faint like any regular person can they?” I replied, noticing that in one corner Summer was holding a hoof over her mouth in an attempt to hold back laughter at the sight of Iron Will’s new suit.

Okay, so Iron looks like the world’s largest peacock right now. I’m having trouble remaining supportive and not rolling around laughing.

The tailor, one Elegant Stitch, had been working on Iron’s disguise for almost three hours now. I had to say, even though I was exasperated about the length of time it had taken him, he did some damn fine work. Though he also had a worrying tendency to break out into the most fabulous songs. Even now he was singing softly, under his breath.

“Be an example to your sex
Give your boot a dapper strap
And it's smarter if your garter has some snap!
Cravats should be flounced about our necks
Wear a nightcap when you nap
Be bewitching with some stitching on your cap!”

“Please stop that...” Iron pleaded, only to go unheard by the tailor, who appeared to be lost in what is commonly known as the ‘zone’ and just increased his volume.

“Now, drape your cape
And puff your cuff
Embroider those lapels!
Be the king of the beasts in pastels!
La, but someone has to strike a pose
And bear the weight of well-tailored clothes
And that is why the Faust created males!”

“Seriously, stop that.” Iron interrupted, not looking at all pleased with Elegant’s lyrical accompaniment to his work. Maybe I should join in?

“Strut, sir!” Elegant shouted.

“What, sir?” I supplied.

“Roosters do!
Give a cock his comb and the hens will pale!
Bucks! Bulls!”

“More, sir!” I cried joyously.

“Boars, sir, rams!
Of the nanny goat and billy, sir
Whose beard is fully wooly, sir?
It's bully for the billy for he's willy-nilly male!” He sang exuberantly.

“If you don’t stop them I’m going to punch both of you through a wall.” Iron threatened, his expression thunderous.

“Fine then, I know when I’m not appreciated.” I said, crossing my arms and pouting childishly.

“Very well, the ensemble is finished anyway.” Elegant said, a slight pout about his face as well. Though he pulled it off much better than I did, being a brilliant thespian.

The suit really did seem to be finished now, and what a suit it was. It consisted of an embroidered overcoat, a soft peach in colour with pink highlights. Out of either cuff exploded a cloud of frilly lace, the pearly white complementing the other soft colours A cravat, made of the same frilly fabric as his cuffs, was hung around his neck, it resting softly atop the sky blue shirt that had been tailored to his muscled frame. The entire suit was finished off with a large, ridiculously pink hat that sat atop his head like some kind of guard flamingo. Overall, it created a look that I hope I never have to behold again, as I don’t want to find out if it is actually possible to die from laughter.

“Nice work Mr.Stitch, you have certainly earned your commission.” I said, managing to keep a straight face.

“Please, call me Elegant. Is there anything else I can do for you?” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“Actually yes there is.” I got some weird looks from my companions. “We’re going to need hats. Very nice hats...”

By the time we left Elegant’s store I was very satisfied with our purchases. I had acquired a peaked cap that screamed of military might for Summer, who was currently making some funny faces as she tried to get the perfect expression for the stern and austere military commander.

For myself I had purchased a short black top hat with a red band around it. To be perfectly honest, this wasn’t for a disguise. I had only got it because I missed having a top hat.

What? A man has needs.

My part in the plan involved not being noticed anyway, hence why I was currently wearing my coat with the enchanted side facing outwards. Iron and Summer turned to face me, squinting in concentration as they strained to see through the coat’s implanted magic. They knew for a fact that I was there, it was just very hard for them to remember most of the time.

We all knew our part in the plan, no more talking was required. A simple nod was exchanged and we split up, Iron heading in one direction whilst Summer and I went in the other.

Profit Margin won’t even know what’s hit him...

I may send him a note telling him it was me. It would be frightfully rude to leave an enemy in the dark like that.

I grinned at this thought and turned my hat down to shade my eyes, improving my chances of remaining unnoticed. This is going to be good.

Author's note

The song that Elegant and Ace sing together is an extract from the song Creation of Man from the show The Scarlet Pimpernel.

So I’m a thespian that loves Irish music, you want to dance fight about it?

The only reason I didn’t put a link in the story is because it is only an extract of the full song and there aren't many good linkable versions of the song on YouTube.

Also, this is officially the last Wednesday update. From here on it you will have to rely entirely on the Saturday update for your supply of satyr-y humour.

Barrel-of-fun

Conspiring Lies

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
Blazinblade7
fireshadow11

“Ace, I’m not sure if I can do this. I’ve never told a lie like this before.” Summer said, looking up at me with a worried frown.

I knew that I was asking a lot of her here. It takes a certain kind of person to tell a lie perfectly, someone brazen to the point of being fearless. You can’t show any uncertainty, any hesitation, or the lie is stripped away. These people need to have a twisted sense of honesty, so that they can honestly believe the lie they are telling. Most people refer to this as acting and use it to earn quite a lot of money in the entertainment industry.

I am glad to say that Summer is not one of these despicable people, unlike yours truly.

Still, whilst her integrity is endearing, it is also quite inconvenient at the moment. We were just about to enter the Maneapolis office of the East Equestrian Trading Company, officious looking hats perched upon our heads and Summer levitating a clipboard, which we had acquired as we passed through the market, next to her. If anyone dared to look at the piece of parchment attached to the board they would see it to be blank save for the rather silly picture of a smiley face that I had doodled upon it.

It had been quite a long walk, I had gotten bored.

This, of course, meant that Summer had to play her part to perfection, which I worry may be beyond her abilities. I hate to think this, and I would never say it to her face, but she was the weak link in this plan. Iron at least had some acting ability from his time as a stage performer and as for me...

Well, I’d never really stopped lying.

But Summer? She was a Guard, with all the training and uprightness that went with such a position. She had probably always been taught that honesty was the best policy, no matter what. If I could do her job for her I would, but it might look slightly suspicious if a never before seen creature walked into an office claiming to be working for the Equestrian Government.

Even if it is technically true now.

Cap'n, our shields canna repel irony of tha’ magnitude!

“Don’t worry Summer, I’m sure you’ll do great.” I replied, trying to sound cheerful.

Is that seriously the best advice that I can give her?

“I believe in you!” I added lamely.

Oh god, we’re all gonna die!

Despite my rather pessimistic thoughts, Summer actually seemed to be cheered up by the horrible cliché, perking up slightly and changing her frown of worry into a frown of determination.

The difference was slight...but noticeable. Summer can pull off a really good determined frown. Provided she keeps that exact same facial expression throughout this entire mission we might just pull this off.

We had arrived at the front door of the Company’s office, a large dark piece of wood, perhaps made of mahogany, set into the stone walls. The main purpose of the oversized door, other than as an entryway into their building, seemed to be to intimidate anyone who saw it and loudly proclaim ‘Look at us! Look how much money we have!’

Oh, I am going to enjoy stealing all of your precious currency.

I placed one hand upon the doorway and looked down at Summer.

“You ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.” She responded firmly.

I tried to push the enormous door open, only for it to refuse to budge an inch under my puny attempts. Next to me Summer rolled her eyes at me before lighting up her horn and wrapping the doors in a telekinetic field, yanking them open violently. All the ponies inside the lobby turned to look at her as she strode forwards, confident and in command.

I followed behind in her shadow, trying to look inconspicuous without actually looking like I’m trying. After all, if people noticed that I wanted to go unnoticed, that would kinda defeat the entire purpose.

It can get a bit confusing after a while. If you’re not careful it can be quite easy to forget if you are supposed to be the one hiding or the one standing out.

The pony on the reception desk, a young mare, trembled as Summer marched her way over. I can’t really blame the poor girl, Summer looks pretty damn scary at the moment. The black peaked cap, combined with the scowl on her face, screamed of military authority. The terrifying look in her eyes only had to whisper about her eagerness to enforce this authority.

Damn Summer, you scary.

“Corporal Storm, Equestrian Internal Affairs, I am here under an officially sanctioned inspection. I demand access to any and all documentation.” She barked at the mare, who cowered slightly.

“Y-yes, right away!” The mare responded fearfully.

“Right away what?” Summer said, leaning in slightly.

“Right away ma’am!” The mare said, throwing a salute, for some reason, and scurrying off.

“You’re doing great, keep it up.” I leaned down and whispered into my unicorn compatriots ear.

“I don’t know if I can. Sweet Celestia, did you see how scared that mare was? Of me! I don’t like this Ace.” She whispered back, a hint of distress in her voice.

“Just a bit longer. We only need to get into the room where they keep the documents.” I urged her to stick to the plan, hoping that her own revulsion wouldn’t get the best of her. She really was not cut out for this stuff. She nodded in response, squeezing her eyes shut and gulping, as if she were swallowing her pride.

Some friend I am, corrupting her like this.

But it is necessary...right?

Before either Summer or I could protest to our current course of action we were already set upon it. The receptionist hurried back, followed by a flustered looking stallion in an ill-fitting suit. He was drenched in nervous sweat and his mane was arranged into what must have been the pony version of a comb over. Everything about him screamed accountant, from the neatly lined up quills poking out of his top pocket to the way his eyes darted around, looking for an escape route.

I wonder if accountants get taught advanced fleeing alongside mathematics...

He hurried over to Summer, almost tripping over his shaking hooves in his haste, and stuck out one clammy forehoof as he introduced himself.

“H-h-hello, I a-am Pencil P-pusher.” He stuttered out, his extended forehoof shaking, despite the fact that Summer had not taken it in her own and was, in fact, staring at it in disgust as though it was the lowliest of worms.

“Corporal Storm, Equestrian Internal Affairs.” She replied cooly, still glaring at the Pencil’s forehoof as if she were willing the offending appendage to burst into flame.

Knowing Summer, that actually had a fairly likely chance of happening.

“M-may I see some ident-” He gulped nervously before finishing. “Identification.”

In response Summer simply turned her powerful, malice filled gaze from the forehoof and to the stallion’s eyes. As he stared into those cold orbs, Pencil began to shake even more, to the point where he appeared to be nothing more than a quaking pile of flesh rather than an actual pony.

“On second t-hought, let’s j-just forget all about th-that.”

“I thought as much.” Summer replied, her voice as cold as polar ice.

Pencil Pusher hurried off, indicating that we should follow him. We did so, traversing the monotonous corridors that made up the interior of the building, passing office cubicles filled with dull eyed ponies who seemed to be more like zombies than actual sentient beings.

Dear god, this is what hell must be like.

Eventually, Pencil led us to a large, vault-like door. It was a huge circular thing made entirely of what looked like steel, set into thick stone walls. I stared at it, impressed by the sheer sense of security that such a door radiated. It would take an army to so much as dent it.

Luckily, I have no intention of breaking the door. I don’t even intend to break into it.

They’re going to let me in after all.

Pencil glanced over to us before walking up to the door and beginning to spin the oversized dial, forcing it around to point to the numbers that unlocked the deadbolt. Once he had finished he grabbed a large bar in his teeth and, exerting all the strength he could muster, began to slowly drag the door open to allow us access.

“That will be all. Leave us.” Summer said to him, the nervous wreck of an accountant hurrying away at this release.

We both stepped inside the vault, Summer casually swinging the huge door shut behind her with her magic. The moment the huge slab of metal boomed shut, she let out a relieved sigh and dropped the disguise of the austere military commander.

“Sorry about that Summer.” I apologized honestly.

“It’s fine, I know it is necessary. It’s just...let’s not do this again, okay?” She looked up at me, her eyes shimmering as if she were about to cry.

It’s very easy to forget that other people have morals. Especially when you make them violate those morals.

“Alright, I promise.” She nodded at this and wiped a hoof across her face, sucking up her tears. When she had finished, she was back to her old self. Proud and brimming with determination.

“Let’s get to work.” She said, looking round at the various filing cabinets and piles of paper that surrounded us. “Despite how he looks, I doubt that Pencil Pusher is an idiot when it comes to accounts. He won’t leave anything incriminating just lying around.”

“Agreed, which is where the next part of the plan comes in...”

Several hours later, Summer used her magic to open the door to the vault, striding out to meet the hesitant looking Pencil Pusher.

“D-does everything appear to be in order?” He asked, cowering away from her gaze yet again.

“For now, I shall have to come back tomorrow for a more...thorough review.” She replied, allowing a small, dangerous smile onto her face. Pencil’s responding gulp was so audible that I could hear it all the way from my position hidden inside the vault.

“Erm..excuse me but...wasn’t there t-two of you e-earlier?” He asked as Summer began to walk past him. She stopped, slowly turning to him and leaning in close, those cold orbs staring into his own frightened ones.

“I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.” She said, the tone of voice brooking no argument.

She turned and stomped away, leaving Pencil Pusher to close the vault on his own.

And leaving me inside.

Iron Will currently looked like the highest of nobles, the most eloquent of poets, the fanciest of fops.

In short, he felt like a complete idiot.

“Sir, Master Margin will see you now.” A snooty sounding butler pony said to him, somehow managing to look up at Iron Will and yet look down his nose at him at the same time.

That must be quite a hard skill to learn. It’s all in the muzzle.

Iron rose from the bench on which he had been seated whilst Profit Margin ‘prepared’ himself for Iron’s arrival. As far as the huge minotaur was concerned, all this social postering was more than a little pointless. It was the high society equivalent of muscle flexing, something that Iron had done a lot in his younger days, and thus, had a lot of experience in how stupid it all was.

Still, if Profit Margin wanted to delay and give him more time to prepare then Iron wasn’t about to protest.

Iron followed the butler through the hallways of Margin’s manor house, past artistic portraits with gilded frames and elaborately carved statues, each depicting Earth Ponies in crowns or noble attire. Iron was slowly getting the impression that Margin was trying to suggest something with his decor.

The butler led him through the twisting halls and to a section of the house that seemed closed off from the rest of the mansion, as if it radiated a sense of privacy.

“Milord’s study is beyond this door.” The butler’s nasally voice announced as he gestured to a large wooden entryway, the polish upon the wood causing it to gleam.

Iron placed one finger upon the portal and gently pushed it open, painfully aware of how easy it would be just to punch through the obstacle. He couldn’t just go throwing his strength around though, he knew that sometimes cunning beat strength. He just hoped that Ace’s plan was cunning enough.

“Greetings Lord Will, welcome to my humble abode. I must apologize for the delay, I was simply swamped in work.” The Earth pony looked up from where he was sat by the fireplace, the large chair that served as his seat practically enveloping him.

Profit Margin was...an unusual Earth pony. Many ponies of the Earth kin are larger than their fellow subspecies, for some it is slight whilst others are like giants by comparison. Margin, however, was slight, and thinly built. He would look as out of place on a farm as Iron would at a high society ball. His mane, a wispy thing that hung down near his eyes, gave him a permanent aura of frailness, though his eyes would make one reconsider that thought. For in those eyes Iron saw a ruthlessness that completely went against any preconceptions one might form about the body they inhabited.

“You must know what that is like right?” Margin continued, looking Iron up and down, taking in his fine, flowery clothing. “But then again, considering the proposition that you have come here with, perhaps not.”

Iron chose to remain silent, simply nodding and taking a seat in the chair opposite Margin, his bulky frame fitting well into the large chair, unlike the slight stallion before him who seemed to be on the verge of being swallowed by the upholstery.

“I understand that you are down on your luck, and that you are looking for a...solution?” Margin said, sounding slightly smug as he lorded it over the ‘disgraced noble’

“Aye, luck has not been so kind to me as of late.” Iron rumbled, trying his best to sound like an aristocrat. “I have suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and, sadly, have fallen before their onslaught.”

“How...poetic.” Margin commented wryly.

“Indeed. Now for the business at hand, I assume you are aware of my proposition.” Iron said, trying to move the conversation along.

“Quite, though why don’t we go over it in full. Just to be absolutely certain of all the little details.” Margin replied, clearly willing to draw a noble’s humiliation out for as long as possible.

“Very well. I’ve encountered more than a few financial troubles back home. The land that I own, the Fiery Peaks, used to be rich in various minerals and ores, however, a recent earthquake shifted the majority of them into the territory of a bitter rival. Needless to say he was quick to capitalise on my misfortune and...” Iron continued to tell the prepared story, surprised at how easily the lie flowed from his lips. He supposed it was all of his experience at stage performance. After all, he was just playing another part here. Just acting. “To conclude, I heard about your...generous offers to other nobles, and how they cruelly shot you down, and decided that perhaps we might be able to come to a mutually beneficial arrangement.”

“I believe I may very well be able to help you. Alright Lord Will, I will purchase from you your lands, their riches and, most importantly, your titl-”

“Sir! Sir!” The butler shouted, bursting into the study. Margin glared at his subordinate whilst Iron began to worry about why he might be bursting in.

Ace hasn't gone and done some stupid has he?

“What is it you fool?!” Margin demanded angrily.

“A message from Pencil Pusher over at the office. He says that Equestrian Internal Affairs has performed a surprise inspection today and that they’ll be back tomorrow!”

“What?! Did they find anything?”

“No sir, not yet at least.”

“I apologize Lord Will, but I must sadly cut this meeting short. Rest assured that I will be able to continue with our business tomorrow but, for now, I am required elsewhere.” Margin addressed Iron, his composure back to being the calm and collected businesspony.

This stallion may actually be a better actor than I am...

“Very well, I know how hard it must be for you...business types. Until next we meet.” Iron replied, before getting up and walking out.

Trying his best not to look like he was fleeing a crime scene.

Robbing Hood

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
Blazinblade7
fireshadow11

After picking the lock on a few of the filing cabinets inside the vault I had reached a conclusion. Paperwork is really boring. Even if you don’t have to file it or anything, even if you're just looking through it to find incriminating evidence on a massive company, it is still ridiculously boring. So I had adapted my plan slightly, instead of having to search through a cubic fuck-ton of papers, I’ll just let the bad guys show me where they’ve hidden the files.

It’s so damn foolproof!

Also, if anyone out there ever plans to hide in a vault for an extended period of time, I have one piece of advice for you.

Bring a form of entertainment.

I was currently on my forty second consecutive game of solitaire, having already eaten the sandwich that I had brought to keep myself from starving to death. That would have been really embarrassing. To have someone eventually open the vault only to find my corpse inside.

Not to mention it would really mess up the plan.

I was trying to figure a good place to put the Queen of Hearts when I heard a muffled conversation from beyond the confines of the vault, followed by the sound of a dial being spun. I hastily gathered up all my cards and returned them to their pouch on my belt before hurrying into the most shadowy corner of the vault and crouching down there, ensuring that the enchantment on my coat was facing outwards.

The door swung upon smoothly, revealing Pencil Pusher and three other stallions, two large dumb-looking brutes, who I assume to be some form of security guard, as well as a smaller than average Earth Pony.

Profit Margin I assume, we meet at last.

I remained concealed in my hiding place as they strode forwards into the documentation vault, Margin leading the way flanked by his two guards whilst Pencil Pusher just stood there and began to shake nervously. Was that stallion ever not nervous?

But then, considering the company he was in...

“You two!” Margin barked to his guards. “Grab the documents and move them to the safe in my office. Pencil, get to work on forging some fakes. Good fakes, mind you. We don’t want this ‘Corporal Storm’ to notice any discrepancies do we?”

“N-no sir! Right away sir!” Pencil said, hurrying away to complete his assigned task.

I watched as the guards went over to one of the many filing cabinets that filled the room and swung open the lowest drawer, revealing the mass of papers inside. The two rent-a-guards quickly began to grab the documents with their mouths and transfer them into the bags they had across their backs.

Do things not get a bit...saliva-y whenever a pony grabs them in their mouths?

Whilst the brutes were distracted with their strenuous task of lifting a few pieces of paper, and Margin was even busier overseeing them to make sure they didn’t accidentally eat some paper and choke to death, I decided to slip out for a bit. Stretch my legs, you know? It also prevented me getting trapped in the vault when they had finished their slightly criminal activity of hiding their larger criminal activities. Criminals are very active people, I should know.

Once the trio had finished retrieving the documents, they strode out of the vault and began to head down one of the many corridors that made up this maze of a building, completely unaware that I was tailing them.

Heh, tailing ponies. They already have tails, so am I tailing their tails?

Best not follow that train of thought, for that way madness lies.

I crept after the three stallions, careful to maintain a reasonable skulking distance so that I didn’t have to needlessly strain the enchantment on my coat. I’m still not sure just what the extent of this spell is, and I’d prefer it if I didn’t find the limit of it whilst in the middle of an enemy's lair.

Well, enemy's office block. Same difference.

The stallions eventually reached what could possibly be an elevator, except rather than any electronics it had a weighted pulley system. It was still relatively ornate, despite its primitive mechanisms. The velvety red interior of the lift room was wholly at odds with the dark inside of the lift shaft that could be seen beyond a brass grate.

“Top floor.” Margin ordered. “Let’s get these to my personal safe.”

The trio stepped in, one of the guard stallions closing a gate on the front whilst the other loosened a rope, causing the lift to begin to gradually rise up into the obscurity of the shaft.

Damn, I’m going to lose them!

I looked both ways down the corridor, frantically turning my head in hopes of finding an alternate way up. Down one corridor there appeared to be a small sign, with a picture of a pony climbing a staircase emblazoned on it accompanied by a small arrow. Bingo. I hurried to follow the arrows directions, eventually reaching a narrow staircase that spiralled upwards into the depths of the tower.

That is an awful lot of stairs.

I quickly began to ascend, taking the small pony stairs three at a time in my haste, practically leaping up on the spiralling stairwell. My legs burned as they forced me up more and more levels, signs next to me appearing as little more than blurs as I flashed past. Top floor. That’s what Margin had said. Top floor.

Why are there so many god damn stairs?

I finally reached the top, stumbling off of the staircase with sweat running down my brow and my legs nearly collapsing out from underneath me.

“I vow, before all the gods in the universe, that if I ever meet the inventor of stairs I’m first going to thank him for the great usefulness of his invention...and them I’m going to kick him in the nuts.” I muttered under my breath. Once I had got my breath back that is.

I heard the lift arrive before I saw it. A cheery little ‘ding!’ echoed out from down the hall, the sheer happiness of the sound serving only to emphasis the misery that I now felt in my legs. Though, to be honest, I did feel a great sense of achievement in beating the elevator to the top. Screw you, inventor of elevators, you’re not so great.

Concealing myself to the best of my abilities, considering the complete lack of shadows around here, was a difficult task, eventually I simply settled for hiding round a corner and listening to what was going on further down the corridor.

I heard the muffled thudding of steps, the three stallions leaving the lift. The guard’s hoof falls were easy to hear, whilst Margins were barely perceptible. He had a light touch, evidently, I wonder if that transfers over into his business arrangements.

Something tells me no.

A clunking sound reached my ear, followed by an eerie groan as the door to Margins office was opened. The hoof falls retreated inside, another groan signalling the door being closed. I left my hiding place and scurried over to it, pressing one ear to its wooden surface in an attempt to hear what was going on inside. How was I supposed to know where the safe is? What if it is hidden somewhere?

“Duh, boss, where’d we hide da safe again?” I heard one of the guards slur out.

“Behind the portrait you idiots. Sweet Celestia, you just cannot hire good guards these days.” Margin’s angry tone responded.

Thank you dumb guards. And thank you narrative causality.

I heard the sound of clicking, followed by something being swung open. There was a brief rustling as the papers were loaded in and then a ‘clang!’ as the safe was shut again. As I heard the hoof falls approaching my position, I realised my mistake. I had been listening when I should have been running for it.

Never make that mistake again.

I looked both ways, noticing that there was no place to conceal myself along the smooth walls of the corridor. The stairwell was too far away, and I couldn’t exactly hide in the lift. I may not know the precise limits of the Turncoat but I do believe that standing in the middle of a brightly lit hallway like an idiot may test its abilities a bit. The handle of the door rattled slightly as somepony on the other side placed a hoof upon it, forcing me to make a rather stupid decision.

I reached over my shoulder and grabbed my braid, swinging it so that it was wrapped around my neck and out of the way. I then turned and ran directly at the wall closest to me, running up it as best I could before springing out into the open space in between the two walls. My arms exploded outwards in one direction whilst my legs went in the other, both of them reaching their respective targets at around the same time.

As the door underneath me swung open and the stallions stepped out, I did my best to balance the forces between my strong goat legs and my weak noodle-like arms. It was more than a bit difficult but I managed to do it, keeping myself suspended above the stallions as they walked under me and towards the lift. Luckily none of them bothered to look up, believing that they were safely unobserved in their crime.

The criminal trio entered the lift and began to descend, gradually moving downwards until they were completely out of sight. The moment the tops of their ears disappeared down into the shaft, I released my grip, allowing myself the sweet relief of falling down onto the thick carpet.

“Ow.” I said, my voice muffled by the thick wool.

I hauled myself to my hooves, swaying slightly from the dazing that my sudden and violent greeting of the floor had given me. Once I had managed to get my eyes to stop rolling around, or perhaps it was the room that was rolling around, I approached the door to Margins office, kneeling down to examine the lock. This may actually by the most difficult lock that I’ve picked since I came to Equestria, considering that it is meant to protect something rather than just keep somepony locked up.

Ah, the many uses of locks, how I often pontificate on this subject whilst robbing people.

I retrieved a pick from my belt and went to work, idling humming a tune to myself as my clever fingers made short work on the lock’s various mechanisms, tricking the device into thinking that the key had been inserted and turned. Obligingly, the lock clicked open, allowing me access to the largest and most fancy room I had possibly ever seen.

The first thing I noticed, and anyone who entered the room would notice, was the sheer size of it. It was huge! It had to take up almost all of this floor, perhaps even all of it. A whole floor devoted to one room may seem ridiculous, but if you take into consideration the sheer amount of stuff that this room was filled with it no longer seems like such a ludicrous concept.

Marble statues covered much of the available floor space, their gleaming white surfaces reflecting the light provided by a giant three-tiered chandelier that hung from a thick gold chain in the ceiling. A soft, luxurious red carpet covered the floor, matching the gleaming varnished wood of the walls and the dark mahogany desk that stood at one end of the room. The wall behind the desk was mostly taken up by a huge window pane, though deep green curtains with a gold edging currently covered them. Overall, the room gave off an aura of luxury so thick that you could choke on it.

Now then, Margin had said that the safe was hidden behind a portrait. This would make my search relatively simple, if it weren’t for one small problem.

There was about twenty portraits of various rich looking Earth Ponies in the room.

“Oh god damn it all.” I muttered.

Okay then, Margin seems like a fairly narcissistic guy, he would probably hide the safe behind a portrait of himself, right?

That cuts my search down to the five portraits of Margin, each one had him looking more rich and pompous than the last.

Sweetie Belle needs to teach this guy the meaning of the world ‘subtle’.

I moved over to the nearest painting and checked behind it, finding nothing. I repeated this with the next two portraits, moving their gold-edged frames and then carefully putting them back in the same position when I was met with disappointment each time. It was only on the fourth painting that I struck gold, so to speak. If I actually wanted to strike gold then punching damn near any of the decorations in this room would accomplish that task.

Concealed behind the painting was wall safe, essentially a miniature version of the one downstairs where they kept all their documents. The steel faceplate of the safe gleamed at me, reflecting my face in its mirrored surface. I took a moment to admire the view, grinning at my reflection and putting a hand to my chin.

“Ladies.” I said seductively before shaking my head and getting to work.

I hate safes. I hate having to break into them. They are so much more difficult to trick than normal locks, but then I suppose that is why they are called ‘safes’. Because they keep people’s stuff safe from bad men, like me. The main method of cracking a safe like this would be to steal the entire safe, as well as a large chunk of the wall it is attached to, take it to some remote location where it can be forced or blown open at the thief's leisure.

Unfortunately I had forgotten to bring a pickaxe with me, so I was forced to rely on more subtle methods.

All safes have one important weakness. They can’t be impossible to break into. Safe builders always have to make a way that a locksmith can open them, in case the owner forgets the code. This means that safecrackers, such as yours truly, can use this to their advantage by tricking the mechanism into thinking that they are the locksmith and it is supposed to open. I carefully placed my right ear against the side of the safe and grasped the dial with my other hand, spinning it so that it set off a series of clicks from inside the mechanism.

Huh, that was strange. There were far fewer individual locks than I was expecting, only three as opposed to the usual six. That meant that the combination was only composed of three numbers, much easier than I expected it to be. I suppose hooves aren’t as capable as creating cunning mechanisms as hands are.

Luckily for me, hands are as capable of breaking mechanisms as they are at building them.

I began by spinning the dial counter-clockwise, listening to the little ticks that it made as the cogs inside turned. The sounds started deep within the safe, reverberating outwards through its steel hull and to my ear, which was pressed flat against the cold metal. I had to concentrate hear, listen out for any changes in the pattern.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, clunk.

There!

The moment the first number locked in, I began to turn it the other way, going clockwise now as I searched for the second number. It didn’t take very long, the second number falling into line quickly before me, followed swiftly by the third. That was actually fairly easy, I don’t think I’ve ever had so much luck whilst cracking a safe.

Thank you, my Lady.

I swung the metal door open, to reveal to my eyes the wonders that may be inside. The interior of the safe was as clustered as the room that contained it, and just as wealthy. Bars of what looked like pure gold were stacked in neat pyramids, bags filled with small golden bits lazed the safe, displaying their opulence for the world to see. Next to them, looking bland by comparison, was a square stack of papers. The evidence I need. Then again, all that money looks pretty tempting as well.

It’s so very shiny.

I spent a couple of minutes deliberating this dilemma before realising something. Why don’t I just take both? I grinned as I grabbed a bag of coins and put it into my coat and was about to reach for another when I noticed something about the top paper on the pile.

It was a list. A list full of names.

Curiously, I grabbed the paper, bringing it up to my eyes and scanning the page. It was a fairly simple table, only four columns. The first had the name of a pony, Sterling Wind or Turning Cogs, fairly easy to recognize as pony names. The second column had what looked like the names of various places and mines, names like Deathwater Caverns. The third was obviously the names of Diamond Dogs, Swift Claws, Biter, Big Paws. The fourth column was the shortest, and perhaps the most disgusting.

It was a list of numbers. Prices.

It was obvious what I was looking at, it was a prisoner manifest. All the ponies who had signed on with the Company, all the ponies that had been sent to be captured by Dogs. Who had been betrayed by those they had placed their trust in. I felt my hand begin to shake, the manifest crumpling as the fingers that grasped it began to close in anger. I don’t know what was worse, that they would do such a horrible thing, or that they would be so brazen about it. So confident in their untouchability that they would reduce living beings, fellow ponies even, to mere numbers on a page.

I saw Margin’s face in my mind, that cold, uncaring visage. How could he do this? How could he surround himself with all these luxuries whilst forcing others into poverty and ruin? Be lord of his little kingdom, a kingdom built on the backs of slaves.

My heart shook as I looked at the manifest, and I could feel the weight of the money that I had stolen from the vault inside my coat. Blood money. It seemed to weigh a ton, far more than it should. The weight of the woe that it had caused bearing down on me. I could barely stand under it. I grabbed the bag of coins and angrily threw it back into the vault, knocking over one of the neat pyramids of gold bars as I did so.

I looked around the room, at the marble statues and the fine paintings, at the luxurious rug and the expensive desk, the safe full of currency. Currency that rightly belonged to those that had suffered because of Margin. It should get back to them, to compensate them for what they have been through. I reached into the safe and gathered up all the papers, shoving them under my hat for safe keeping, before grabbing the nearest bag of gold and removing it.

The gold may be a heavy burden but I shall bear it until I can get it to those in need.

A Heart Of Gold

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
Blazinblade7
fireshadow11

In my bid to follow in the footsteps of the legendary Robin Hood I had run into several logistical problems.

Firstly, did you know that gold is heavy?

I’m not just talking about it being heavy in the metaphorical sense, as in it was heavy with the sins stained upon it. No, I’m talking about actual physical weight. It is really heavy in that way. This poses a problem as, without any heavy lifting equipment, - or Iron Will, - I was having quite a lot of trouble moving it. I could remove it from the safe one bar and pouch at a time, however actually moving it in mass was taking some time.

Sneaking past the guards with all this glittery, heavy material might also prove problematic, but future Ace can deal with those.

Present Ace, on the other hand, was forced to come up with some genius plan to get all of this gold from Point A, the top of this fairly secure building, to Point B, anywhere that is not this building.

I can’t believe I don’t have something in my belt that would get me out of this.

Despite the disappointing performance of my bag of tricks, I still had hope. For I had a plan. And, like all the best plans in history, it involved wanton property damage. It also involved me climbing to a fairly perilous position, which was becoming a worryingly common aspect in my plans.

I was currently halfway up the oversized curtains that covered the massive window in Margin’s office, shimmying my way up the thick velvet. This may sounds like a bit of a strange thing to do but, I assure you, it is all part of my intricate and genius plan. Once I reached the top of the curtain, no small feat considering just how slippery velvet can be to climb, I drew my knife from behind my back and began to hack off the other curtain, allowing it to fall to the floor below in a billowing descent. I then transferred myself from my improvised climbing rope and onto the sturdy curtain rod, allowing myself to hang there from one arm as I used the other to cut down the remaining curtain, which followed its brother in a graceful fall.

My act of vandalism complete, I worked my way over to one side of the bar, placing one hand over the other, until I eventually reached the curtain pull cord. I grasped the soft rope and gave it a gentle tug, testing to see if it would hold me weight on the way down. The rope appeared to be fairly sturdily attached to the bar, even though the cord itself looked far too much like a fancy piece of decoration for my liking. Regardless, I grabbed ahold and began to lower myself down.

After moving only a few feet I heard an awful ripping noise from above me, causing me to look up just in time to see the frayed end of the cord fall away from the bar. As it began to plummet, so did I.

“Oh motherfuc-” I managed to get out before my, thankfully short, fall was halted by the pile of soft curtain that had inadvertently collected beneath me.

Now curtains, much like hay, don’t completely remove all momentum from a fall, so they won’t fully protect you from being injured if you fall on them. They will, however, give you a very comfortable place to lie down whilst you recover and try to find out if that fall dislocated anything. Of course my complete lack of knowledge of human anatomy, not to mention whatever anatomy I had as a satyr, meant that my medical self-check pretty much amounted to:

Can I move my legs?

Check.

Can I move my arms?

Check.

Can I move my neck?

Check.

Then we’re good to go!

I heaved myself back onto my hooves, regrettably leaving my comfortable bed of curtains, and got back to the job in hand. Now that the curtains are cut down, albeit inadvertently bringing the pull cord along with them, I could move onto the next stage of my plan. I stage that I had creatively decided to name ‘The MacGyver Stage’ as it involved me actually having to be creative with the materials I had on hand.

First, I placed one of the curtains flat out on the floor, smoothing it out so that it took up a large portion of the carpet. Then I began the tedious process of moving my newfound riches, one bar and pouch of bits at a time, onto the flat carpet, piling them up into one small spot on it. I then grabbed each corner of the laden curtain and tied it to the corresponding corner of the other curtain, essentially making a huge bundle of cloth with gold sat in the middle of it.

I took a few steps back to behold my creation in all its glory. If you squint and turn your head just right, you might be able to see that it is supposed to be a makeshift parachute that will allow the gold to glide slowly downwards to safety, where I can pick it up later.

I never was very good at arts and crafts.

Are those the hatred filled screams of every MacGyver fan ever I hear?
…
No, I think that is just a cat yowling on the street below me.

I walked over to the oversized window pane that the curtains had previously covered and undid the latch, swinging one of the huge sheets of glass inwards on its hinges. I couldn’t help but feel that, whilst impressive, this was a rather inefficient design for a window. If you are feeling a bit too hot then you essentially have to remove one wall of the room to get a decent breeze going. Shrugging at the lack of architectural foresight, I walked back over to my loot and began to haul it towards the window, a slow process considering the weight of both the gold and the curtains.

It took me a while, and a lot of scraping of gold against gold, but I finally managed to get the bundle to the open window and balance it so that it was just about to fall out. Holding onto one side of it to prevent its descent until I was good and ready, I prepared to make my glorious speech.

“Since the dawn of time man has hated falling. Man has also hated it when nice expensive things fall and break. As a general rule, gravity is a bit of a bitch towards humanity, despite the fact that we couldn’t live without her. Thus, great men have found ways of defying gravity, mostly to stick a middle finger up at that uptight hag. Today, I follow in their footsteps with the launch of this brilliant vessel, the HMS Goldenfly. May she survive her maiden voyage intact.”

My speech finished, and the universe at large applauding at my legendary skill with word, I let go of the gold and gave it a small kick, sending it off the edge of the building.

The curtain billowed out majestically, catching the wind underneath it as a sail catches the wind. The wind, trapped inside its prison of cloth, could do nothing but work for the benefit of the contraption that was now its master, slowing its descent into a slow graceful tumble instead. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It had actually worked. This must be how the Wright brothers felt when they conquered air travel, how Galileo felt when he mapped out the stars and the orbits of the planets. This wonderful sense of achievement, of accomplishment.

Of course, as soon as I thought this, shit began to hit the proverbial fan.

One thing that a lot of people, including myself up until this point, don’t realise about the wind is that there is a lot of it. It’s practically everywhere really. And, a lot like a confused albatross attempting to dodge crossbow bolts, it travels in very odd ways. Up, down, left, right, diagonally. The wind doesn’t care where it goes, it is like the honey badger of the sky.

Thus, despite a portion of the ever-reaching wind being trapped inside my parachute, it still managed to get help from an ally in the form of a crosswind, which slammed into my invention and sent it crashing into the side of the building it had just previously escaped from. The wind inside billowed out, causing the once taunt cloth of the parachute to collapse inwards and send the entire package hurtling towards the ground.

In retrospect, this was a really bad idea.

As I watched the parachute begin to fall I realised something. That was quite possibly more money than I had ever seen before in my life. More money than most humans, and probably most ponies, would ever see in one place. And I had thrown it out a window in the vain hope that a parachute made of curtains would stop it from slamming into the ground at high speed.

This may well be one of the stupidest things that I have ever done. Considering some of my decisions in life so far, that is really saying something.

The sound of the treasure hitting the ground arrived surprisingly early, the sound of the distant impact seeming strangely close. I leaned over the edge of the building slightly more, endeavoring to spot where the gold had landed to see if any could potentially be salvaged. As I held onto the window edge and peered down into the night I saw something rather surprising.

The curtains, presumably still filled with the gold, had been stopped in their fall by a window cleaners lift. The lift was essentially a cheaper looking version of the elevator that led up to Margin’s office. Despite its rather rickety looking wooden frame, it must have been quite sturdy as it supported the weight of the gold without any groans of complaint. Turns out I hadn’t accidentally showered Maneapolis with gold bars after all. Things are really looking up.

Now how to get down there?

I looked around me for any rope or wire. Anything I could use to lower myself towards the lift. Nothing immediately presented itself though. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten to bring rope with me. I had watched Boondock Saints before, I knew how useful rope could be whilst breaking into places. Now all I had was a load of paintings, statues, a giant mahogany desk and this length of curtain pull cord that I had broken off...

I looked down at the pull cord at me feet, noting how it appeared to be the perfect length to allow me to just reach the lift.

And here I thought I had been unlucky to fall down earlier.

I grinned and picked up the cord, spooling it up and throwing it over one shoulder before looking for something to tie it to. Something sturdy, reliable and, if at all possible, expensive enough that wrecking it will hurt Margin’s money pouch even move. There was one obvious candidate it the room for such a trustworthy and respectable position.

The desk, made of finest mahogany.

I moved round the desk and began to push on it, putting all my weight behind trying to move the oversized writing table. It was no use though. The desk was just far too large for me to move on my own. If I had brought Iron Will along then he could have probably just tapped it lightly and done the job, though his lack of sneak skills, as well as the absence of a second magical enchanted coat, meant that he probably wouldn’t have made it thus far.

Oh well, looks like I’ll just have to improvise.

I reached into a bag on my belt and began to hunt around for an item that had become increasingly more useful as of late. My diamond cheesewire. Removing the filament garrotte from my bag, I looped it around one of the thick legs of the desk and began to pull it back and forth. After a couple of minutes of tedious sawing, the desk being made of really good thick mahogany after all, the leg came free, causing the desk to collapse on one side with the removal of one of its supports.

After replacing the cheesewire back in my pouch, I picked up the desk’s dismembered limb and propped it up between the window, ensuring that it was long enough to stick in the window frame, rather than falling straight through. That would have been really bad for me if I started climbing down and that happened. I’m talking like, long drop and a sudden stop bad. I then slung the cord of my back and looped one end of it around the stuck leg, tying it off before throwing the other end out of the window. The cord fell down, the edge of it just touching the top of the lift.

Neat. Lady Luck really likes to work with precision.

I tugged at the rope once to make sure that it was secure,smirking in satisfaction when I saw the desk leg stick firmly in the door jamb. As I was about to grasp the rope and swing over the edge I looked around the room and realised something. After cracking open the safe, pulling down the curtains and dismembering the desk the room still seemed to be missing something. I hadn’t caused quite enough damage here yet.

I scampered over to the other side of the room gleefully. Literally, I scampered...like a bounding gazelle. It was glorious. Reaching the horrible array of statues and the plethora of fancy art I got to work.

I lined myself up perfectly, idly checking wind speed and the position of my vector before beginning my charge. I assumed the position of a runner’s start and then began to count down under my breath, taking off like a shot the moment I reached zero. My hair whipped behind me as I bore down on the nearest statue, the marble figure being, tragically, unable to dodge my attack. If statues could think then this is what would have probably gone through its stony mind:

“Oh dear, not again.”

I grinned as I kicked off from the floor, leaving the confines of the ground and sending myself hurtling towards the first statue, spinning my body so that I was extended in a spear position hooves first. The statue had just enough time to continue to hold its pose of elegant dignity before I slammed into it, the force of my attack sending cracks along its side and causing it to topple over.

Where it struck another statue, which also began to topple.

Which in turn struck another one, with similar results.

From my position on the shaggy carpet, which I had landed on after the initial blow, I watched as the statues continued their domino effect, each one slamming into the next in what could only be referred to as the greatest betrayal that the races of stone had ever beheld.

By the end of it there were dust clouds everywhere. Limbs and heads of statues littered the floor, as if someone had gone to war with a gorgon. One particularly mournful looking head rolled towards me, stopping just before the hooves that had brought about its destruction. I bent down and lifted it up, holding it out and gazing into its cold eyes.

“Alas, poor fellow of marble. You were a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. Your heart may have been naught but cold stone, yet it shone with the radiance of a thousand sparkling dawns. I shall always remember you as the bravest of knights.” My monologue finished, I dropped the head of poor Sir Marble, causing it to shatter upon the ground.

I turned away from the havoc I had wrecked and walked towards the open window, grabbing the cord and checking the sturdiness of the leg one last time before beginning my descent.

Needless to say, I was worried whilst travelling down the rope. My track record with tall things hasn’t exactly been stellar so far, and this is one of the tallest places I’ve been to. Not to mention the fact that I’m holding onto a curtain pull cord that had already snapped on me once, which was in turn tied to a sawn off table leg that had been propped up between a window. It was about as far as you could possibly get from safety. Yet, whilst I was worried, I wasn’t terrified for one good reason.

This was clearly what Lady Luck wanted me to do. So, I’m going to have a little faith in the old girl, and hope she doesn't decide to drop me a few thousand feet for referring to her as ‘old girl’.

Somehow, the voyage downwards went surprisingly well. I didn’t fall or slip, I wasn’t attacked by a horde of killer super bees or targeted by a giant bird of prey. Just a nice, quiet climb down the side of a building towards a window cleaners lift filled with gold. My definition of a relaxing weekend in a nutshell really.

Upon reaching the lift, I found that it was quite easy to operate. An idiot could do it and, judging by the fact that it had been left near the top of the building rather than on the ground or on the roof, an idiot often did. All I needed to do was unhook one clearly marked rope, which had a large down arrow next to it, and the weighted mechanism did the rest. The lift was a bit slow though, which gave me plenty of time to observe the Maneapolis skyline and ruminate on my thoughts. My thoughts were mainly about the large stack of gold I had hidden under the curtains next to me.

Clearly, I couldn’t keep it all. Even if I ignore the fact that it is blood money, I doubt I would be able to get out of the city with it all. My best bet would probably be to get rid of it all in the city, though lavish spending would probably draw more attention to me than trying to sneak past the guards with gold bars poking out of my pockets. Ideally I would like to use this money to help those in need, whilst simultaneously not being caught for stealing it all in the first place.

I suppose I could hand it all over to Missy and hope that she would utilise it to help those who have been caught by slavers, but I’m not sure how much I can trust that cow. She was, perhaps, too smart for her own good.

I could also hand it over to the guard and use it to finance their training and weapons, which would help with the slavery problem as they would be able to combat the slavers better. However, guards are merely mortal and, above all, corruptible. Clearly Margin must have had some of them in his pocket for this entire operation to work.

I need someone who is a shining bastion of kindness and selflessness. Someone who cannot be corrupted by mere gold, who will look beyond it for the greater good of all.

It’s a shame I don’t have Jesus on hand, though I think I know a certain Princess who will be a decent substitute.

The lift reached the bottom its descent at about the same time I managed to make a conclusion. I looked down at the gold next to me, not exactly brilliantly concealed beneath the lavish looking curtains. Thinking quickly, I drew my knife and began to scratch it against the stone wall that the lift was pressed against, carving a symbol into it followed by an arrow pointing downwards. I then removed my coat from my back and, ensuring that the dark side was facing outwards, threw it over my pile of stolen treasure, effectively concealing it from view.

I may not be able to find the gold again but I don’t need to, I just need to find that mark and I will practically trip over all that wealth.

Feeling slightly chilly without my coat, I set off into the night to find Iron and Summer. Maybe even get myself some large sacks, preferably with a dollar symbol on the side.

Now that I am back at college I have been reading a lot more classical literature, mainly Greek and Roman stuff, and I think it is beginning to show through in my writing. Particularly with the personification of stuff and the abundance of similes and metaphors. What do you think of this? Does it help to paint a better picture?

Also, I will give one internet cookie to anyone who manages to spot the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner reference in this chapter.

Good luck,
Barrel-of-fun

Of Gold and Gargle Blasters

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
Blazinblade7

Finding Iron and Summer was easy, possibly the easiest thing I had done all night. This was partly due to the difficulty of the majority of my activities but it was also a matter a preparation, by which I mean that we had arranged a meeting point beforehand.

So I can occasionally arrange things in advance instead of winging it. This surprises people...for some reason.

We had arranged to meet at the All Bar One, providing that everything went well and none of us got caught or horribly murdered by a corrupt power mad business pony. I walked into the bar as nonchalantly as possible, glad to note that tonight’s fight had already gone ahead without me. Judging by the mount of bruised and unconscious ponies littering about the place it had been a fairly big one tonight as well. Though I don’t think any royals took part this time.

The stallion at the bar was writing something on a chalkboard. It looked like ‘It has been [1] hour since we last had a fight’.

I was pleased to note that Summer and Iron had survived whatever chaos had gone on earlier and were seated at a table in the corner. Iron was downing a huge pint of something that looked to be lethally strong whilst Summer drank, almost demurely, from a small wine glass. How did she get hold of a wine glass? Does this place even serve wine?

I guess for Summer it does.

“Geez, you guys can’t go five minutes without me before you end up resorting to drink to drown your sorrows. Are you truly that dependant on my wittiness and charm?”

“Shove off Ace.” Iron grunted between chugs. “I’m going to keep drinking until I forget what I had to dress up like today...oh sweet Celestia I just reminded myself.” He brought the ale to his mouth and began to empty the mug.

“Is he going to be okay?” I asked Summer, who merely raised an eyebrow at the behaviour of the alcoholic minotaur.

“Yeah he’ll be fine, minotaurs are notoriously difficult to get drunk. They usually have to resort to a special brew made from ingredients that would be poisonous to most species. Apparently our strongest ale is little more than water to them.” She replied.

Huh, I may be able to use this to my advantage.

“Well, you’ll be glad to know that I pulled it off. Profit Margin is now significantly poorer whilst we are much richer. I need your help to collect the money though, it’s really quite heavy.” Summer nodded at this and got up from her seat. Iron, however, merely snorted and looked at me.

“Today you have made me dress up in the single most embarrassing costume ever. Then you had me go into the house of a criminal sociopath to try and convince him that I, who has never even been near a member of nobility, that I was a Lord. Minotaurs don’t even have nobility! I am tired and I want to get drunk. Frankly Ace, having anything more to do with your plans might well kill me.”

“Well...how about a deal then. You help me collect the money and I show you the strongest drink I have ever seen. Guaranteed to get you drunk or, at the very least, kill you. What do you say?” I said, grinning at him.

“...Guaranteed?” He said curiously.

“100% surefire out-of-you-head pissed.” I replied, offering him my hand. He looked between it and his ale for a moment before grabbing it and hauling himself up from his seat.

“A’ight, I was bored of drinking this weak piss anyways.” He said, loudly enough to draw a glare from the bartender.

We left the inn and I led them back towards the offices of the Company, hoping to all that is holy that some random bum hadn’t wandered into the alleyway and discovered all my hard stolen gold by throwing up over it. Not that I have anything against the homeless receiving gold of course, it’s just that that would mess up my plans slightly.

Thankfully when we arrived we found an alleyway empty of potential homeless inconveniences. However, the alleyway also appeared to be devoid of any precious gold. I had expected this though.

“I’m fairly sure that the gold is here, just look for a symbol scratched on the wall.” My two companions looked at me oddly before shrugging and beginning their search.

It did not take us long to find the gold. Well, actually it didn’t take me long to find the gold, by which I mean I tripped over it and slammed headfirst into the floor. As I was picking myself up and bemoaning the fate of my modelling career, my friends rushed over.

“Did you find it?” Summer asked excitedly.

Yeah, don’t worry about my health at all.

“I think so.” I replied. “Can anyone see what tripped me up?”

We all stared hard at the spot, managing to make out a fuzzy outline of something that our brains told us should not be there. Iron reached forward, his beefy hand grabbing nothingness and ripping it away, revealing the bunched up curtains and tons of gold hidden underneath. As we admired my loot I felt the need to inform my comrades of something dear to my heart.

“Guys, I’m going to tell you something I have never quite managed to put into words.” Summer and Iron looked at me, curious about my emotional tone. “I really really like stealing. I like the risk. I like the reward. But most of all, I like how damn good at it I am.”

Iron and Summer seemed to consider this for a moment before they nodded at me in understanding. They might not be thieves but they know what it is like to be good at something and enjoy doing it. Hell, if I was a pony my Cutie Mark would probably be crime related.

Good thing I didn’t get turned into a pony really. It would be hard to get people to trust me if I had a big warning sign tattooed on my butt.

“Well, let’s get this back to the bar. You reckon we could get a room there? Preferably one with a really good lock?” I was a bit worried about the safety of my new fortune. It would be the height of irony for someone to rob me of the stolen gold that I am planning to give away.

“Ace, with the amount of gold here we could probably just buy the bar.” Iron replied.

“Wow, nice. We won’t be doing that though. No matter how tempting it would be to buy my own bar...or a ship...or maybe even an airship. You reckon we could get an airship with this much?”

“I reckon we might very well be able to get a fleet. So what will we be doing with this then?”

“Giving it away mostly. It’s not like we can just waltz out of the city with enough gold to outfit a private army. We’ll be taking a modest amount and then giving the rest away to as many charities as we can. Summer, that’s your job. Tomorrow I want you to go round and split all this up amongst as many charities, orphanages and places of good will as you can. The more it is split the better really, makes it harder to track. As for the rest that we will get, I’ll just give it to the Princess and hope that she can shift it all. She probably can, she’s a freakin’ Princess. There has to be some advantages to that.”

“Feeling altruistic today Ace?” She asked.

“Yeah, I’m a regular messiah alright. If you can make sure you get some to charities specializing in ponies who have suffered through slavery, as well as any groups dedicated to ending slavery. I should probably show you something as well. My reason for being so generous.”

I took a seat upon the gold and took off my hat, reaching inside to draw out the sheaf of papers I had hidden there earlier. I handed them over to Summer, who floated them in a telekinetic grip and began to swiftly scan the page. She evidently understood what she was looking at as her eyes began to widen, before narrowing in fury. Her legs began to tremble in suppressed rage and sparks of wild electricity ran up her horn. I could see that she was only just restraining herself from blasting the offending piece of paper apart as she passed it on to Iron, who had observed her reaction and began to read the manifest as well. Upon finishing he had a similar reaction. Muscles bunched up in his biceps and he snorted, stamping his hoof on the ground once and cracking the cobblestone beneath him.

“Careful with that manifest guys, it’s our only evidence for putting Profit away for a long time. I have no intention of letting him slip away simply from lack of evidence. That little slip of paper, combined with us relieving him of his wealth, means that he won’t be able to bribe or lie his way out of this one.”

My words seemed to calm them somewhat as Summer reigned in her magic and Iron let out a long, slow breath. He handed the manifest back to me, his gaze never leaving it as I put it back into my hat. I stood up from my golden throne and put my hat back on my head, sweeping one arm to encompass the fortune I had just been sitting on.

“Let’s get this moved shall we?”

Iron and summer nodded, determined looks on their faces. Iron grabbed one of the curtains and swept it up, trapping a large portion of the gold inside as the huge minotaur swept it onto his back. He grunted slightly under the wealth of it but carried on regardless. Summer formed a telekinetic grip around the other curtain, levitating it up to hover next to her. The weight of the gold inside strained her abilities slightly but she simply pushed through the difficulty. Noticing that they had managed to lift up all of the gold, I simply shrugged, swept my coat up onto my back and followed them back to the inn.

We got some suspicious looks from the patrons and bar staff when we entered, Iron and Summer carrying lavish curtains filled with something bulky looking. My companions sent a glare around the room and, one by one, the ponies all went back to their distractions, looking anywhere other than at the three of us.

“We’re going to need a room.” Iron announced to the bar pony.

The stallion looked us up and down, distinctly unimpressed by our motley unusuality. He continued to wipe a glass with a rag as he chewed something in his mouth, considering Iron’s proposal before declaring his reply.

“I reckon I could set you up...for a price o’ course.” He replied, in a tone that managed to convey just how little he cared about anything in the world.

I think that this stallion has seen some things in his life. Things that have left him a mentally scared wreck of a pony.

“A large price.” He added.

Nope, my bad. They just left him as a dick.

“How much?” Iron Will said as he stepped up to the counter, setting down his load and leaning upon the wood.

“100 bits, no questions asked.” The bar stallion replied, leaning forward to match Iron Will’s stance.

“50 bits, no questions and some food in the morning.” Iron counter-offered.

“80 bits, no questions and you’ll get stew.”

“60 bits, no questions and we’ll take some bread with that.”

“70 bits. no questions and I suppose I could get you some but it won’t be fresh.”

“65 bits, no questions and that’s fine thank you very much.”

“65 bits, pleasure doing business with you.”

Throughout this entire exchange mine and Summer’s heads had been jumping back and forth between the two barterers. Our eyes were narrowed and I felt a bit of an adrenaline rush starting up. It was like watching two of the world's finest duellists going head to head in an a no-holds-barred battle to the death. Exhilarating to say the least.

Iron paid the stallion and we were swiftly led to a room, the patrons choosing to completely ignore us now that we had paid for rooms. Forget enchanted coats, it’s money in the right places that really makes you invisible.

The room we were assigned was pretty far from first rate. In fact it was about as far from first rate as it is possible to be. If a highway motel had an affair with a rubbish bin then this room would be their lovechild. It was made of wood, of course, but lacked the care that the rest of the inn received. Although the rest of the inn probably only looked quite new most of the time because the majority of it had to be replaced every other day. At least this room didn’t look like someone had tried to get into a fist fight with Thor, which is more than can be said for the main room most of the time.

“Enjoy ‘ya stay.” The stallion grumbled, before leaving and slamming the door behind himself.

“Alright, stow the loot and let’s get some rest. I don’t know about you guys but I am exhausted.” I said, throwing myself onto the nearest bed.

“Yeah, breaking into places and stealing all their stuff will do that to you.” Summer quipped, finding her own bed.

“Ah, hazard of the trade. Got to take the good with the bad really. Good: I stole a lot of money today. Bad: It was rather tiring. See? It’s just a fact of life.” I shot back with a grin.

“Whatever, get some sleep guys.” Iron mumbled as he collapsed into his own bed, the poor wooden frame almost collapsing underneath him. “We got another long day of lying ahead of us tomorrow.”

We must all have been in agreement, though we didn’t vocalize it, as we all went to sleep.

The next day found me and Iron walking towards the Margin mansion, cunningly disguised as a nobleman and his personal accountant/lawyer. Iron was once again dressed up in his frilly suit, looking very uncomfortable, and I...

Well, I had just put on some glasses to make myself look smarter. It was a bit of a half hearted disguise really but we were on a tight schedule here. We had to make sure the con went ahead before Margin decided to check his fortune at the office, which meant that we didn’t really have time for long complicated disguises.

“Ace, are you sure we can pull this off?” Iron asked, looking down at me. If I didn’t know any better I’d say the brave minotaur was actually nervous.

“I’m confident that we can succeed. And afterwards I believe I owe you a very powerful drink.”

“Damn right you do. Making me dress up like this again, it’s ridiculous.” He grumbled.

“So it hasn’t grown on you then? You don’t feel even the slightest bit more...summery?” I asked, raising my tone to emphasize the last word.

“Summery?” He questioned

“Yeah, you know. To do with or pertaining to summer. You don’t feel like that? Like a butterfly flapping gracefully in the wind, or like a flower opening up to expose its inner beauty to the world?”

“Ace...you frighten me sometimes.” The minotaur responded, shooting a sideways glance my way. “Also, just for that comment, you now owe me two drinks.”

“Oh come on! That’s not fair! You can’t just decide when I owe you drinks.” I protested.

“Three for whining.” He grinned back.

“Oy!...wait, that’s what you want me to do...stupid minotaur and his stupid arbitrary drink demands. I’m warning you though, having three of this drink could kill you.”

“Doubt it. Minotaurs are made of sterner stuff than...whatever pansy race you are. Go on then, what is this frou-frou cocktail you think is going to knock me out.”

“Oh it’s brilliant. It violates all three laws of drinking in nightclubs. Never have a drink with a silly name, never drink something with a small umbrella in it and never drink something that changes colour once the last ingredient is added. It was invented by a friend of mine, well more of an acquaintance really. Well, actually he was a drunk Irish guy that I mistook for a leprechaun, to be fair though he was very short and I was very drunk. Anyway, after he kicked my ass he taught me the secret of his ancient beverage as way of an apology. It is a brew passed down through Irish blood for genera-”

“Will you just tell me what it is already!”

“Oh right, sorry. I rambled for a bit there didn’t I? Well, after adapting the Irish fellow’s brew to suit my particular tastes I had a drink that is best described as ‘like having you head bashed open by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick’. It is for this reason that I call it the Pan-Dimensional Gargle Blaster, after a truly brilliant author.”

“I guess we’ll just see if it lives up to all your hype. Quiet down now, we’re here and you are supposed to be a household retainer. Offering to get you master drunk isn’t in your job description.”

“I know I know. This isn’t the first time I’ve impersonated a lawyer you know. You would be surprised at what they can get up to though, they may seem uptight but those guys really know how to party.”

Iron sent me another odd glance, no doubt wondering at what point in my past I had decided to impersonate a lawyer. Honestly, I’m not sure why I did it either. I was just trying to get into a party at a law institute and ended up in a discussion about the amendments being suggested to the Offences Against The Person Act 1861. Naturally I did what all lawyers would do in that situation. I lied and pretended I knew exactly what they were talking about. It worked, surprisingly.

Shaking his head to clear away any stray curious thoughts, Iron knocked thrice upon the door, sending a hollow booming sound throughout the house. After a few moments the door creaked slowly open and the snooty looking face of a butler pony appeared in the gap.

“Ah, the unfortunate Lord Will. The master is expecting you.” He said and began to trot away, expecting us to follow.

“Once more unto the breach?” I suggested to Iron.

“Aye.” He replied wearily, stepping forward and slamming the door shut behind him.

Selling Dreams

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
PieisGood4U

The butler was kind enough to escort us through the labyrinth of corridors that was the interior of Margin’s mansion. I say he escorted us,what he actually did was trot ahead of us at a speed that can only be described as contemptuously swift and we had to hurry on behind him lest we get lost for all eternity.

‘Look at me!’ I hear him think. ‘Look how fast I can move with four legs. What’s that? You only have two legs? Aw too bad, try to keep up though. I would just hate for you poor destitutes to get lost in this ENORMOUS FUCKING MANSION!’

I don’t like this butler. At all.

Still, I wasn’t too worried about getting lost in a labyrinth. After all, I’ve got Iron Will standing right next to me. What is there to be afraid of in a labyrinth if you’re friends with the minotaur?

You might be afraid of the minotaur getting hungry I guess.

Oh yeah...there’s that. Do minotaurs eat meat in Equestria? I know that they were supposed to be man eaters in mythology, but then this world isn’t exactly mythologically accurate. Probably because it is a cartoon world for little girls. Wait...does that mean I am part of a cartoon for little girls? I hope not, I would be a terrible role model to follow. Worse than Bank Robber Barbie to be honest. My existential pontification was interrupted by a haughty cough from the butler, followed by his snooty voice cutting into my ears.

“We have arrived. The master is ready for you in his study.” He was looking straight at me as he said this, his eyes full of contempt.

How the hell do butlers get away with being so disrespectful? I must learn their secrets.

I pushed my glasses up my nose and stared down through them at the posh stallion, my greater height allowing me to increase the power of my hipster glare.

“I don’t believe we will require your services any further. Your master will most likely want this business to be over with as swiftly as possible.”

Ha! Take that you pompous prick.

“With all due respect Mister...” He paused.

“Actus Reus, I am Lord Will’s personal lawyer.”

“Well, Mister Reus, I believe it is up to Master Margin to decide whether or not he requires my services.”

Oh he’s good.

The butler gave a small smirk before swinging open the doors he was stood in front of, revealing the luxurious splendour of Margin’s study. It was almost an identical replica to the office I had broken into last night, except for the fact that this one didn’t have broken statues littering the floor. Sitting in a large faux-leather chair was the stallion himself, Profit Margin. Hovering next to the small stallion was the nervous wreck that was often referred to as Pencil Pusher. The jittery accountant looked about ready to commit ritual suicide is he were ordered to by his boss.

“Ah, my Lord Iron Will! How good to see you again.” Margin announced joyously, in one of his hooves he held a glass of wine and, judging by the half empty bottle next to him, must have been drinking for a while now.

“Mister Margin.” Iron replied, emphasizing Margin’s lack of a title. “I do not appreciate having to do business with drunkards.”

“Now now, Iron.” Margin responded, pouring another glass and offering it to Iron. “This is a good day for both of us, we have many reasons to celebrate. I have recently solved a small...problem in my company and you are about to become a very rich minotaur.”

“And you are about to get a noble title of course.” Iron said, taking the wine glass and sipping from it demurely. Considering the amount of alcohol he ingested last night, that weak wine probably won’t even bother him slightly. Margin, on the other hand, wasn’t handling his drink so very well.

“Of course. Speaking of which, I would like you to meet my accountant and lawyer, Pencil Pusher.” He waved a hoof at the accountant, who was staring at me with a confused look plastered across his face.

“Do I know you from somewhere?” He questioned me.

Oh shit! How does he know?

“I’ve been told that I have a very familiar face. I’m always getting mistakes for others.”

“Is that so?” Margin said, looking at me suspiciously. Evidently he wasn’t so drunk that he could be made a fool of.

“Yes, among my people that is.”

“And who, exactly, would your people be?”

Think fast! Think fast!

“Satyrs, we live down south near the Minotaur lands, and we like it there. I think I may well be the first one of my kind to enter Equestria.” Margin seemed to mull this over for a moment before accepting it and nodding.

“Very well then, back to business I think. Pencil, if you would be so kind.” Margin said, causing the accountant to scurry off, returning with a piece of paper clamped between his teeth. After placing it gently down on the table he looked over at Margin, receiving a small nod in response.

Good boy. Fetch my legal documentation. Now sit. Stay. Play dead.

Iron nodded to me and I, like the dutiful servant I was meant to be, walked over and picked up the paper. Written in a large elegant script on the page were the words:

Kingdom of Equestria.

City of Maneapolis.

This legal document is authorized by the Court of Maneapolis, by the power vested in them by the Princesses of the Sun and the Moon. Crimes such as forgery of such a document can and will be seen as direct treason against the Royal Family and will be punished as such.

Then the writing changed drastically, from the neat curled writing of an officious document to the disorderly writing of the undoubtedly nervous Pencil Pusher.

This is a legal and binding document, presenting the permanent transaction between the two parties involved. The minotaur, Lord Iron Will, does agree to hand over all land and titles to the Earth Pony Profit Margin in return for the sum of 30,000 bits.

Well, Pencil Pusher may be a pathetic spineless excuse for a pony, but he sure as hell can make a legal document get straight to the point. Got to admire him for that at least. Though I believe that we may have a slight problem here.

“30,000 bits?” I asked, causing Iron will to raise an eyebrow at Margin.

“It’s a fair deal.” The earth pony responded. “Considering your position.”

“My position?” Iron said, keeping a level tone. “Positions, like fortunes, can change. Now this is a limited time only offer, if you don’t want this title then I’m sure that I could offer it to some noble wanting to expand his territory.”

“You honestly think that an Equestrian noble would want a foreign title?” Margin responded.

“Maybe not the title, but I’m sure they would love to be able to get their hooves on any remaining minerals in my lands. I understand that Equestrian nobility have a particular fondness for valenite? That shiny little rock that isn’t good for anything except looking pretty? Who’s to say how much of that is on my property.”

“Can you confirm the presence of valenite?” Pencil butted in, drawing an irate glare from his employer.

“You clearly don’t know much about the ‘Volcanic wastes’ as you call them. The area is prone to tremors, which have a tendency to sift about mineral deposits. One day you might be sitting on the largest chunk of diamond you’ve ever seen, the next day and earthquake comes along and your enemy is using said diamond to bash your head in.”

“Oh really now?” Margin was intrigued now.

“Aye, it can be quite a cutthroat world down there. You’ve got to be prepared to take advantage of any opportunity that comes your way. You think you can do that?”

“I think I could do quite well for myself. I have a specialty in taking advantage of a situation.”

I bet you do you slave trading bastard.

“I know how much you want this deal to go ahead, but it’s going to take a lot more to buy this title off of me. At least 600,000 bits.” Iron said, causing Pencil to start spluttering in indignation. Even Margin looked a bit shocked at that proposition.

“You can’t be serious.” Margin said.

“Oh but I am. That’s my price and I’m not going any lower.” Iron said, his expression set in stone and his eyes adamant with determination.

“That’s a ridiculous price!” The business stallion exclaimed.

“Yet you will still pay it.”

“Are you mad?! There is no way that I’ll pay that!”

“Yes you will. You know why? You don’t just want this title...you need it. You can’t stand the lack of respect you get for not being a noble and I don’t think you can take it anymore. You’re going to buy this title off me, and you’re going to do it for 600,000 bits.”

For the longest time, Margin was silent. He simply stared at Iron, his expression blank and his eyes cold. Pencil Pusher just stood there, gaping at the minotaur who had dared to defy his employer. To be honest I was pretty shocked as well. Iron had some serious balls on him. We were pushing Margin a lot here, hoping that he would break and take the deal. A gamble really, but a necessary one. Still, if there is one thing that people will always buy, no matter what race they are, it is their hopes and dreams. People go around announcing their dreams to the world, not realising how vulnerable they make themselves to people like me. People who will sell you your dreams, at least for a while.

Margin stared at Iron. Iron stared at Margin. Pencil stared at them staring. I just generally stared. Somewhere in the background, the butler may have decided to stare as well, but I wasn’t really paying any attention to him. In general, staring was done that day.

Finally, Margin spoke up. “I accept.”

“But sir!” Pencil piped in. “Such an amount would empty our coffers!”

“I said I accept.” Margin said, turning his death glare on his assistant. “I don’t like repeating myself.”

“Y-yes sir!” Pencil shot off, followed by the butler, presumably to retrieve our money.

We sat there in stony silence, each side pointedly ignoring the other whilst sipping on fine wine. It was quite possibly one of the more awkward situations I’ve ever been in, surpassed only by that one time when I decided a muffin catapult was a brilliant idea. The actual catapult wasn’t that awkward, that was actually pretty awesome. What was awkward was the telling off I received when one of my high velocity baked projectiles smashed through the window of a retirement home. I don’t know why everyone was so angry though, surely old people like muffins too...

Such humble beginnings, and now here I am stealing a lot of money from a corrupt sentient pony. Overall, I think I’ve gone up in the world. Sideways in the world at the very least.

Eventually, Pencil and the butler returned, straining under the weight of four bulging bags. Pencil looked about ready to collapse from the load, whilst the greatest effect it seemed to have on the butler was that his composure was a bit strained. They struggled across the room and piled the bags up into a heap in between the Iron and Margin, sighing in relief as they were relieved of the weight.

“It’s...all here.” Pencil panted. “600,000 bits.”

“Well?” Margin addressed Iron, waving a hoof at the document between them.

Iron simply nodded and leaned forward, picking up a quill from the table and dipping it into the inkpot. He signed his name upon the document in a flowery script, the neat writing looking completely out of place with the meaty hands that made it. Margin looked down with satisfaction upon the signed agreement before adding his own signature to the bottom.

“The deal is done. If you would be so kind as to take your money and depart my property now, I grow tired of your dull visages blocking my noble view.” Margin announced, already throwing about his new status. Might as well as let him enjoy it, it wouldn’t last for very long.

Iron and I walked over to the bags of gold and hefted them up, Iron grabbing three of them whilst I struggled to haul one on to my shoulders. If Margin found it suspicious that a noble born minotaur would lift up his own money in an impressive display of manual labour then he didn’t comment upon it. He was probably too caught up in the excitement of being Lord Margin.

Leaving Margin to his delusions, Iron and I swiftly left the mansion. The gold was heavy upon our backs and our willpower was strained just stopping ourselves from grinning in glee.

The best thing about selling dreams? You can pretty much demand any price you want and never have to deliver with an actual product. It is a business model without peer.

“How’d everything go on your end?” I asked Summer once we had returned to the All Bar One.

“Great, I managed to get rid of most of the gold, several dozen charities are now much richer thanks to an anonymous donations. Not only that though, you’ll like this next part.” I raised an eyebrow at her. “I found where Princess Luna is staying in the city, we could hand over this gold to her tonight and get it off our hands.” I noticed that she was eyeing the stacks of gold suspiciously.

“What’s up Summer?”

“That money...I don’t like where it has come from. I want to get it out and have nothing more to do with it.” She replied honestly. Iron nodded at this.

My companions moral compass’ seem determined to ensure that we earn nothing from this.

“So...if I were to, say, keep a bit of the gold for personal use?” I suggested.

“I would blast you through a window.” She said firmly.

“Oh...” I sighed.

“This gold is best given to those in need.” Iron said, placing a hand on my shoulder.

“Yes! Like us! We’re in need. In need of some gold to buy stuff with. Wouldn’t it be nice to have one of those fancy airships? Or even just a simple wagon? Just something to travel in so that we don’t have to walk everywhere?”

“If we are going to buy anything then we are going to do it with money earned through honest work.” Iron said, the comforting hand on my shoulder clamping down painfully. He certainly knows how to get his point across.

“Besides, wouldn’t you feel much better about giving it away to those who truly need it?” Summer asked, looking up at me with puppy dog eyes.

That’s not going to work on me. I know how evil you can be when we do training.

She continued to stare, her eyes trembling slightly. I felt my resolve weakening at the sight of it.

“Fine! Damn it all! Fine, we’ll give ALL of the money away. But when we are poor and destitute, begging for money in an alleyway, don’t come crying to me. Though, to be honest, I’ll probably be right there begging next to you.”

My friends gave me warm smiles at this. Alright so the money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s nice. It’s nice to be able to buy your next meal and not feel like you’re breaking your pitiable bank whilst doing it.

“Alright then.” I said with a sigh. “Summer, show us where Princess Loony is staying.”

Summer even had the good grace not to look offended as I insulted her sovereign.

“That...is one secure looking building.”

It was true. The hotel that Summer had guided us to was swarming with Royal Guards, some of them were patrolling whilst others were holding back the mob of paparazzi that littered the front steps of the hotel. Luckily, I had a plan.

Not a great one, but definitely a plan.

Whilst the building that the Princess was housed in was tightly locked up, the ones next door weren’t. This meant it had been almost ridiculously easy for me, Iron and Summer to break onto one of them, bringing all our remaining gold with us. When I told the others of my plan they were naturally sceptical.

“So let me get this straight.” Iron said. “You want me to throw you?”

“Correct.” I replied.

“From this roof to the balcony where the Princess is staying?”

“Also correct.”

“And have Summer use her magic to guide you whilst in flight?”

“Precisely.”

“And you just hope that none of the highly trained guards below will spot you?”

“Exactly.”

“At which point you will break into the bedchamber of one of the most powerful beings in the world.”

“Well...”

“And tell her that you just finished robbing one of her subjects.”

“Okay, it’s going to sound bad when you say it like that!”

“That’s because it is bad!” Summer butted in. “It is a terrible, dangerous plan.”

“...but we’re going to do it anyways aren't we?” I asked.

Iron and Summer shared a glance before looking back at me.

“Yeah, probably.” Summer admitted. “It seems the quickest way to see the Princess.”

“Plus, I actually want to see if I can throw you across that gap.” Iron said, stretching his arms in preparation.

I took a couple of steps back away from the edge to give myself a running start whilst Iron hunkered down and cupped his hands together, his muscles bunching in preparation for the throw. Summer lit up her horn and surrounded my body in a corona of light. Her telekinesis wasn’t doing anything at the moment but, the moment I got airborne, it would be her job to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid like crash into the balcony I was aiming to land on.

“You ready?” Iron asked as I turned to face him and assumed a runner’s start position.

“As I’ll ever be.” I muttered, before taking off sprinting directly at him.

Just as it seemed like I was about to collide with him I leapt up and placed my right hoof in his cupped hands. Immediately his muscles exploded upwards, the combined moment of my sprint and his throw sending me hurtling away from the building. I felt a slight tingling cover my skin as Summer began to guide my flight. I looked down, observing the crowd below me, the flashing lights of camera and the glinting of armour on the Royal Guards.

It was very beautiful, in a serene sort of way. So this is what it is like to fly.

Then I hit the balcony.

Any thoughts of the beauty of flight immediately left me, along with what breath I had been holding in my lungs. My hands shot out and hooked around the balcony, stopping any possible descent that might have occurred. I felt the tingling increase as Summer began to try and haul my body up, assisted by my arms, which were hauling for all they were worth. Once I was safely on the balcony I looked irately over at the sheepish looking Summer.

“In my defence.” She called out. “You are surprisingly heavy.”

Summer, we will be having words later.

Shaking my head I turned around and looked at the latch holding the window shut. Time to break into the sleeping chambers of the Princess of the Night. A being who was, to all intents and purposes, a living god.

Brilliant plan Ace. Just brilliant.

To those of you who are wondering about the name Actus Reus, it is a legal term meaning the guilty act. For example, the Actus Reus in this case would be the act of stealing the gold. The Mens rea (Guilty mind) would be the motivation behind it, i.e. really liking gold and disliking slave traders.

I hope you found this lesson on legal terminology exciting and educational. I also hope it explains just how clever I was trying to be by using the name Actus Reus.

Likes to pretend he is smart like all the cool kids,
Barrel-of-fun

Royal Flush

Edited by:
PieisGood4U

So there I was about to break into the bedchamber of an all powerful goddess. Naturally the ridiculousness of the situation made me consider a few things.

Mainly, how this would be a great story to tell my kids one day. If I ever have kids that is.

At least the lock on the window looked fairly simple, not exactly vault level security here. I withdrew my picks from their pouch and raised them to the lock, grinning slightly as I inserted them in. The moment the metal pick touched the lock I got a nasty surprise. A high powered charge shot through the pick and into my hand, causing me to leap back with a startled yelp. Shaking my hand to get rid of the pain, I examined what was left of my pick. Half of it had been entirely melted, the powerful magic that had shot through it turning it into a small pile of slag.

“Bummer.” I muttered, wondering how I was supposed to get past an enchanted lock.

Magic just makes everything so unfair. I’ve never had to pick a lock that actively tries to fight back against me. It was certainly a new challenge. I don’t even know how powerful this lock enchantment was, otherwise I could just get Iron to throw Summer over and have her blast it open. Considering it was an alicorn in the room, I’m going to guess it’s a pretty powerful one. Luckily, I had an alternative available to me. Reaching behind my back, I drew forth my knife and jammed it into the lock, hoping that the magic resistant metal would be able to disarm the enchantment. Wrenching the blade to one side, I broke the lock and popped the window open, my knife coming through the other side distinctly un-melted. Success.

I suppressed my giggles over how easy it was to bust a high powered magical lock and stepped inside. I should probably warn the princess to set up something more physical to repel invaders. Magic is all very nice and fancy but it probably pays to have something more tangible to fall back on in case someone has something anti-magic on them. Then again, she is a thousand year old god-princess, shouldn’t she have learnt this already...

I felt my hoof snag on something and barely managed to throw myself to the floor before a crossbow bolt slammed into the wall behind where my head had been. Tripwire. That was clumsy of me. I underestimated her just because she is a pretty pony princess who rules over a peaceful utopia land. Won’t make that mistake again.

Carefully watching my steps this time, I crept across the room to where I could make out a slumbering form tucked up in a large queen-sized bed. I managed to complete the strenuous task of crossing the room without setting of any other traps, which I was personally quite impressed with. I noticed several deadly traps around the room, including what appeared to be a large axe attached to roof and ready to swing down on anyone who tried to force the door open. I guess Princess Luna is still living in the past a bit, no doubt peaceful modern Equestrians would be a bit put off by these excessive defensive measures. Or perhaps she just values her privacy.

After avoiding tripwires and sidestepping what looked like pressure plates on the floor, I reached the slumbering form of the Night Princess. I reached out hesitantly with one hand and poked her in the side.

“Hey Princess...wake up.” I whispered to her.

I didn't even have time to react before one dark hoof shot out and slammed into my chest, causing me to explosively release the breath that I had been holding and sending me flying backwards at high speed. My abrupt flight across the room was stopped when I collided with a large wooden wardrobe, rebounding painfully off of its frame and collapsing to the floor.

“Not sure I deserved that.” I gasped out.

“Who dares intrude upon our rest?!” Princess Luna thundered as she stepped over to my prone form, speaking at slightly less than Royal Canterlot Voice volume.

“Erm...me.” She looked down at me, recognition sparking in her eyes. “Hey Princess, we have got to stop beating like this.”

The look in her eyes went from recognition to disgust. “Was that a pun?” She asked. “We should hit you again just for that one.”

“Killjoy.” I muttered as I got back to my hooves.

“Well? Why hast thou come to us at this late hour? You impressed us with your behaviour at the bar brawl, but do not think that that gives you the right to break into our bedchamber merely for fun.”

Well she seems a bit annoyed. I’d best use my gentlemanly manners and winning charm to diffuse this situation before she assaults me again.

“My Princess.” I began, giving her a large sweeping bow. “I hate to disturb your rest but I must bring you the most terrible and urgent news. I hate to report it but one of your subjects, a business stallion named Profit Margin, has committed treason against Equestria by selling ponies into slavery.”

The Princesses eyes turned dark and her expression became stern and cold. Standing before her, it was all I could do not to break down and shiver in fright. It was not so hard to believe that the being stood before me had once been Nightmare Moon and had tried to take over the world. “This is a serious accusation you make, perhaps the most serious. I hope for your sake that you have more evidence than merely your word.” If I thought her expression was serious, her voice was even more so, the sound of it sending icicles through my spine.

“Of course I do.” I said quickly, hoping to diffuse, or at the very least redirect, her anger.

I swept my hat off from atop my head and rummaged inside before drawing out the shipping manifest. I held it before myself as some sort of papery shield, watching as it was snatched away by Luna’s telekinetic grasp. The paper levitated up in front of her face, obscuring it from me. I could tell she was reading it and I could tell the effect it was having on her. Her legs trembled in what looked like suppressed fury as she read. I was expecting to see a terrible anger on her face when she removed the paper yet instead all I got was...

Sorrow, with a hint of disappointment.

Her eyes were close to watering and her lower jaw was trembling. I had not expected this, not at all. Righteous anger? Yes. Uncontrollable fury? Also yes. Tears and anguish? Not so much, no. I watched awkwardly as the Princess of the Night held back her tears, sniffling as she swallowed her sadness. I have never been very good with emotional people, usually I end up running away from them before they direct those emotions at me. I couldn’t do that this time though. I may just be the messenger but I, indirectly, made Princess Luna cry, and I had to be the one to do something about it. Time to nut up or shut up.

I gulped and stepped towards the tearful princess, pausing in my advance as her legs gave out and she lay upon the ground, still sniffling. I steeled my nerves and knelt next to her, throwing one arm around her and drawing her in close. She pressed her head in close to my chest and began to weep. I could do nothing but sit there and rock the goddess, making quite shushing noises as I did so.

I had no idea she would react like this, but even the strongest willed people have a weak spot. You might be the most implacable stony-faced bastard in the world, but there will still be something out there that will make you cry like a newborn baby. For Princess Luna, I guess that thing is the crimes and betrayals of her subjects. For both her and her sister alike probably. They put so much effort into making Equestria a utopia, trying to teach ponies to love and respect each other in peace. To give so much of yourself for others, and then to have them throw it back in your face. It must be devastating.

I don’t know how long I consoled the Night Princess for, time seemed to blur after a while. Eventually Luna ran out of tears and pulled away from me, sniffing slightly as she regained her dignity. She arose back to her full height at the same time I did, both of us looking at each other and composing ourselves awkwardly.

“What is your name?” She asked suddenly.

“Ace, your majesty.”

“Thank you Ace, for your devotion and kindness, both to Equestria and to me.” She said, dropping the traditional Royal We.

“It...it was an honour princess.” I stammered in reply, causing her to smile slightly.

“Please, call me Luna.” She almost whispered, evidently employing the lessons she learnt in voice control from Fluttershy. “I thank you for bringing this news to me, as distressing as it may be.”

“That’s not all princ...Luna.” Her face fell slightly at the revelation that there might be further bad news. “Oh no! No, it’s not bad. In fact, it’s quite good, if I do say so myself. Sort of a present for you and for Equestria, I left it on the rooftop of the building next door when I broke into here.”

Evidently her curiosity was piqued as she stepped across the room, expertly avoiding all of her anti-intruder traps. I followed her course through the veritable minefield and joined her over by the window. Across the chasm between the buildings I could see Summer and Iron standing next to a large bundle, both of them waving as they noticed me and the Princess.

“My partners in crime, so to speak.” I explained when the Princess sent me a confused glance. “Couldn’t have pulled it off without them.”

“And what, pray tell, did you ‘pull off’?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

“Well, that would ruin the big reveal wouldn’t it?” I replied, giving her a grin. “You wouldn’t happen to have someway of getting us both across that big ol’ gap now would you? Maybe some fancy alicorn magic? I’m afraid that your gift was a bit too big to smuggle into your room.”

In response she simply sent her own grin right back at me before flaring out her wings, forcing me to dodge back from them as they shot out. “You realise these are not just for show.” She said cheekily.

“Well, that’ll get you across I suppose, but what about myself?”

She shot me that cheeky little grin again before lighting her horn up and pointing it at me. I quickly found myself surrounded in a light blue haze that covered my entire body, eliciting a tingling sensation all over me. I slowly began to rise into the air, panicking at first as my hooves left the stability of the floor but eventually relaxing as I realised I was in capable hands...hooves...magical power field thing. Yeah, I was in a capable magical power field, that works.

“Shall we?” Princess Luna said, gesturing with one hoof towards the edge of the balcony. Before I had a chance to reply or state any hesitance I had towards her plan, she had already taken off.

She burst from the balcony in a blur of dark feathers, her black wings extending outwards to display all her plumage and catch the updraft from below. I found myself following her, levitating off of the ground and out over the gap. I should have been pretty scared right now, after all the only thing keeping me safe is Luna’s magic, but to be honest I find myself trusting the Night Princess, even with my life. This surprised me more than I care to admit. I’m not used to trusting people, especially not people who have so much power over me.

Also, being levitated is rather fun. I suppose it is kind of like being in zero gravity.

I threw my arms up in the air and swung them forwards, doing a front flip in mid air and giggling as I did so. Childish I know, but honestly how many opportunities am I going to have to mess around whilst levitating? Princess Luna looked over at me as I messed around, a cunning grin appearing on her face. All of a sudden her magic cut out and I felt gravity claim me again, sending me plummeting downwards. The sound of a scream reached my ears. That must be Summer, there’s no possible way that it was me. Nope, none at all. I may have released a manly shout of surprise as I was dropped but nothing so girly as a scream.

Oh right, I was still falling wasn’t I?

Just before my brain decided to set up the projector screen, pull out that old photo album and take me on a nostalgic trip down memory lane towards fatality, I felt two furred limbs hook under my armpits and pull me up with ridiculous strength. My jaw clamped shut and I quit my screaming...I mean, my manly shouting. Craning my neck, I looked over at my saviour, Princess Luna, who was grinning down at me with the look of the world’s second most malicious prankster, beaten only by Discord.

“Ponies are evil.” I grumbled, eliciting a light giggle from Luna.

Thankfully, she managed to get me to the rooftop where Iron and Summer were waiting without further incident, though I think she was tempted to throw me into the air and see if she could catch me again. When I was back on stable footing once more, and damn near kissing the ground at my hooves, I looked to see both Iron and Summer kneeling before a rather embarrassed looking Princess Luna.

“Please rise.” She said softly to them. “If anything, we should be thanking you.”

Iron and Summer hesitantly rose, glancing nervously at each other and silently questioning what they were supposed to do around royalty. I suppose I could help them out, tell them to relax a bit, but then I can’t help but remember that Iron is extorting drinks out of me and Summer slammed me into a balcony not ten minutes ago. I took a seat on one of the bags of gold, pulling out my pipe and watching Summer and Iron stammer out greetings. After a few minutes of awkward silence I decided to end it, mostly because it was making Luna feel a bit awkward as well.

“Luna, how much do you like stories?” I began, drawing everyone’s attention to me.

“We have always enjoyed a good fable.” She replied. “Though the bards of old no longer sing their epic tales.”

“Well then, you’re in for a treat. I’ve got a story to tell you. A story of cunning, and anger, and bravery. It is the tale of how I got all this gold that I’m sitting on, and how we helped bring down the most corrupt pony in the city.” And I began to narrate the events that had transpired over the last couple of days. Luna sat transfixed before my portrayal of our daring con, blushing when I told of her brawling skills. Even Summer and Iron seemed to be enthralled by my story, and they had been there for most of it.

When I got to the end, Princess Luna looked at me, an air of curiosity and quiet determination about her. “And what do you intend to do now?” She asked.

“Why, hand over all the evidence that we’ve gathered so far. Of course, all of this shiny gold will have to be confiscated by the state. I’m thinking that the funds might be best invested in something to compensate the community for what they have suffered, perhaps the building of a hospital or an orphanage. I have no real say in the matter, being just a common thief that I am, but if I were, say for example, a powerful and kind princess then I would make sure it went into fighting slavery and eradicating it from this peaceful land. How ‘bout it?” I said, reaching out a hand towards Luna.

She looked at it, then raised her head and looked me straight in the eyes. “Agreed.” She said, reaching out and giving me a firm hoof/handshake. “But surely you should receive some kind of reward for your heroism here today. Perhaps a portion of the funds?”

“No, thank ye Princess.” Iron said firmly. “It wouldn’t feel right for an individual to profit from this.”

“Yeah, the money should go back into the community.” Summer added. Both of them looked over at me expectantly.

“What? Oh! Yes, of course. I couldn’t possibly accept any sort of reward for this. I was merely doing my civic duty after all.” I said with a grimace. “Anyways, although it has been a pleasure to meet you I believe we should really wrap our business up quickly, preferably before your guards report you missing and start a nationwide princess hunt.”

“They do worry so.” She said lightly, before wrapping the manifest and the money in her magic, forcing me to abandon my seating position. “We...I thank you beyond what words can express. If you are ever in need of any assistance, then remember that you have a friend in the Royal Family.”

“You realise I’ll probably end up calling that favour in before too long?” I noted.

“I know, and I look forward to when we next meet, even if it may well be from opposite sides of a prison cell.” She said before adopting a seductive grin and looking at me through lidded eyes. “Though we shall see who ends up in chains.” She gave a little growl before disappearing in a flash of light, taking the gold with her and leaving the three of us standing there, stunned.

After meeting Princess Luna, seeing the incredible range of emotion she displays over the course of a conversation and gaining suspicions that she may have some sort of fluctuating personality disorder, I am left with but one question.

“Why the hell didn’t she just teleport us both over here the first time?”

Iron and Summer looked at me as I voiced this aloud before looking back at each other.

“Luna likes Ace~” They sang in a childish tone. “Luna likes Ace~”

“Oh let’s just go back to the inn. I’m very tired right now.” I grumbled before stalking away, chewing on my pipe with far too much force.

The next day the rising sun found us in an unusual place, huddled together behind a bush outside of Profit Margins manor. There were several reasons for this, each more complex and convincing than the last, but the main one was that, upon waking, I had found a note on my bedside table. A note from Princess Luna no less, informing us that she would have the guards move against Profit Margin bright and early in the morning.

So naturally we camped outside to watch his humiliation and the fruit of our labours. I couldn’t even justify this as part of our ‘civic duty’, we just quite wanted to see this guy be dragged away in chains.

One thing about the Lunar Guard, if you want a showy arrest with plenty of chains and angry screaming involved then these guys are the ones to deliver it. I wanted to see a dozen guards bust down the door in a display of judicial power that wouldn’t be out of place in a film about two loose cannon cops with attitude. The Lunar Guard certainly didn’t disappoint either. The event started up with a variety of unicorn and earth pony guards standing on either side of the main doorway before a titanic earth pony, unironically named Battering Ram, charged the door and bucked it straight off. The ponies on the ground charged through the opening and began to shout very loudly for, and I quote, ‘everypony eat dirt before we make you eat dirt!’ Meanwhile, pegasus guards had smashed through several windows on the second floor, effectively cutting off any possible escape routes for the inhabitants. An effective pincer move if I ever saw one.

Barely five minutes later a very irate, and quite vocal, Profit Margin was dragged from the house. He was being carried upon the back of Battering Ram and was almost completely covered with various chains, manacles and hoofcuffs. It looked like he had been arrested by a ninja master of bondage-fu, though the lack of leather kind of disputed this theory. As he was carried past the bush we were hiding behind, bouncing painfully with every purposefully springy step that Battering Ram took, we heard him quite clearly.

“You can’t do this to me! I am a member of the nobility! The nobility! You hear me?! Get off me you peasants!” He screamed, his face red with impotent fury.

Not one guard paid any attention to him, he was completely ignored before being unceremoniously thrown into the back of a barred wagon. As the door to the wagon was opened to allow Profit Margin inside, I noticed the pitiful form of Pencil Pusher inside, alongside the now quite depressed looking butler. The criminal and his accessories all together behind bars, for as long as they could be kept there. I could just see Margin's face as he peered out of the barred window on the wagon, still shouting insults to the uncaring guards around him. Deciding to give him a clue about who had caused his downfall, I tapped my companions on the shoulders and stood up, causing them to rise alongside me. Margin noticed us as we stood, his eyes going wide and his mouth falling silent as he noticed 'Lord Will' and came to the horrible realization of what had happened to him. His mouth continued to move but completely failed to produce any sound, though it looked like he was attempting to say 'You utter bastards.'

I looked over at where the guards were gathering around Princess Luna, who declared their victory over injustice in her usual volume. The guards before her bowed, both out of respect and out of the sheer force of her voice. Luna looked up from her troops for a moment and glanced over at where we were stood, smiling softly towards us before returning to her royal demeanour.

“Come on guys.” I addressed Iron and Summer contentedly. “I think our work here is done.”

A moment of quiet reflection passed by as we each smiled with satisfaction over a job well done.

“Also, we should probably leave the city pretty quick. We don’t have enough money left to pay the innkeeper for our stay.” I chose that moment to ruin it. As we scurried away from our hiding place towards the nearest city gate, our belongings on our backs, I couldn’t help but think.

It’s good to be a thief.

Tense Travels

Edited by:
PieisGood4U

Despite my growing concerns that we would be stopped by guards at any moment, or even worse that Princess Luna would descend from above to loudly congratulate us on our technically illegal activities and thus draw the attention of every justice loving pony for miles around, we managed to escape Maneapolis relatively unmolested.

I say relatively as there was one guard who insisted on intimately searching Summer for ‘hidden weapons’. After she blasted him back with her horn and declared her rank as Colonel he swiftly went from leering dirtbag to cowering dirtbag, a slight change but definitely an overall improvement. The punishment that Summer charged him with defies description, in fact just trying to remember something so horrible is causing my brain to reflectively try to strangle me for its own safety. Needless to say, that poor stallion is going to remember her for a very long time.

Though he may be more haunted by the piercing glare that Iron speared him with. Seriously, it even scared me and I wasn’t even receiving the full force of it.

We had been walking for quite a bit, leaving Maneapolis behind us and easily escaping the view of any guards that might be peering out looking for thieves, when Iron asked a rather embarrassing question.

“Where are we going?”

The question caused me and Summer to stop in our tracks and look back at him, then look at each other. The three of us exchanged confused looks before we all started speaking at once.

“Away from Maneapolis?” Summer suggested.

“Towards profit?” I added.

“Alright, but where exactly is that?” Iron said.

“Don’t look at me,” I announced, “I don’t even know this country. My plan was to just wander until I ran into something interesting.”

“That’s...actually about up to par with most of your plans.” Summer said with a smirk.

“Well do you guys have anything better?” I asked.

They paused in consideration for a moment before Summer finally spoke up. “Well, we are on the road to Manehatten and it has been a while since I last saw my family. You don’t suppose we would be able to drop in, say ‘hi’, announce that I am no longer enslaved by Diamond Dogs, maybe even have a nice cup of tea. That sort of thing?”

Meet the family? Sounds like a terrifying and traumatic experience.

“Let’s do it.” I responded instantly.

Am I a masochist or something?

“Aye, it’s been awhile since I was last in Manehatten.” Iron said, nodding in agreement. “Last time I was there the National Boat Race was happening. Very impressive to watch.”

“If you like the Race then you’re in for a pleasant surprise.” Summer said, smiling. “My dad the best damn sailor in Manehatten, he’s won that race for as long as I’ve been able to remember. Along with his trusty old tub the Stormchaser.”

“Your dad is Swift Storm?!” Iron exclaimed, appearing to be flabbergasted by this revelation. In fact, this might well be the first time I’ve seen the stoic minotaur actually show surprise.

“I feel like I’m missing something here. What’s this dinky little boat race and why is it so important?” I inquired.

“The Equestrian National Boat Race is no ‘dinky little boat race.’” Summer and Iron almost shouted at exactly the same time. It was kind of creepy really. They looked at each other before Iron graciously waved one hand to allow Summer to go ahead. “It’s the single largest nautical race in all of Equestria! Over one hundred various boats take part to win the prize of a million bits!”

Holy hell, that’s a lot of money!
...
I think...still not sure about the value of bits. It sounds like a lot at least.

“And your dad is some form of big shot here?” Summer looked about ready to respond when Iron jumped in.

“Swift Storm has only been the reigning champion for the last ten years running! He’s single-handedly conceived more ways to improve boating than the entire Equestrian University of Nautical Studies!”

“So...he’s a good sailor then?” I asked, slightly puzzled by Iron’s enthusiasm. The minotaur looked like he was about to exclaim some correction when Summer stepped in.

“Yes Ace, he is a very good sailor. He is quite good at sailing boats around.” She said to me as though speaking to a child. I’ll just ignore that for now.

Though mark my words Summer of the house of Storm, you do not want to get into a sarcasm battle with someone of my prowess.

“Alright then, let’s go visit him. Lead the way, if you would be so kind.” I elegantly bowed to Summer and allowed her to pass by me, Iron and I falling into step with her as she passed.

“Your one true love's a sailing ship
That anchors at our pier.
We lift her sails, we man her decks,
We scrub her portholes clear;”

I sang, Summer and Iron even joining in this time. Apparently, now that we were away from that group of refugees and there was no one to judge them, they were perfectly fine with singing.

“And yes, our lighthouse shines for her,
And yes, our shores are warm;
We steer her into harbor-
Any port in a storm.”

Summer and Iron sang together, her light voice mixing well with his rich baritone. They may be a little hesitant about singing but they were damn good at it. I leapt in with the next verse.

“The sailors stand upon the docks,
The sailors stand in line,
As thirsty as a dwarf for gold
Or centaurs for cheap wine.”

We finished off the last verse together, our voices rising to crescendo as we restrained grins at the rather dirty lyrics.

“For all the sailors love her,
And flock to where she's moored,
Each man hoping that he might
Get down, all hands on board.”

We burst into laughter as we finished off the little tune, each of us no longer able to escape the giggles from escaping.

“Who was it that taught you that song Ace?” Summer inquired, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.

“Fellow by the name of Tasslehoff Burrfoot.” I replied, suppressing my own chuckles.

“Odd name.” Iron commented.

“Odd fellow.” I said in response.

It wasn’t long before we had to stop for the night to rest and, to my eternal dismay, continue my training.

“Do we really have to do this?” I asked after we had got the tents set up. Across from me Iron was getting ready, stretching his limbs in preparation for the beating he was about to dish out.

“Eeyup.” He drawled, before surging forward with insane speed.

The fight didn’t last very long, though in my defence I did manage to land a decent blow on Iron Will this time. It mostly just hurt my hand though. I’m not even sure if the tank of a minotaur even felt it. My daily beating over and done with, I collapsed to the grass exhausted.

“I think I broke him.” Iron rumbled from somewhere out of my field of vision, which was fixed firmly on the night sky.

“Well, how about we spar then?” I heard Summer respond.

Someone other than me having to fight? Sound interesting.

I hauled myself into a proper seated position and watched with interest as Summer walked out to face Iron in the clearing.

“You sure about this Summer? I don’t want to hurt you.” Iron said, sounding concerned.

Oh yeah, but it’s perfectly fine to knock me senseless. Sexist police! We have an perp here!

“You should be more concerned for yourself.” Summer responded confidently, drawing a wry grin from Iron.

Then the fight began.

Iron initiated with a charge, lowing his head and rushing directly at Summer, hoping the threat of being gored would cause her to hesitate and lose concentration on her magic. Summer, however, was either prepared or too well trained to be put off, and merely gather her energy into her horn and shot out a simple blast of lightning at Iron. The minotaur seemed to sense this coming, despite the fact that his head was lowered, and managed to roll around the strike, pirouetting as gracefully as the best of dancers.

I would have remarked on how much of a girly ballet dancer he looked like if it weren’t for how freakin’ awesome that was.

Summer was by no means done though and, as Iron continued to charge towards her, she summoned multiple balls of electricity, each one dancing in the air above her like will-’o-wisps. I wasn’t entirely sure but it looked like these ones were twice as large as the ones I was used to, looks like Summer is pulling out all the stops. She lowered her head and, with a short burst of magic from her horn, sent all of the lightning globes flying towards Iron, each one travelling on a different vector and heading towards him from a different direction. Iron, seeing that the attack was unavoidable, ceased his charge and dropped into a defensive stance, his arms up to protect his head and his hooves planted firmly into the floor. I winced as each orb struck Iron, the hardy minotaur grunting as he absorbed each blow.

Now that, looked like it hurt.

After the storm had dissipated, Iron was left standing there, breathing heavily and with black burn marks all over his grey fur. The look in his eyes, however, spoke only of intense determination. He lowered his head grimly and continued his charge, despite the fact that Summer was summoning more lightning orbs that would ultimately doom his endeavor. I could hardly watch as she launched them all at him in a deadly barrage. Surely he wouldn’t be able to hold out against another attack like that. Iron, however, had no intention of taking any of these blows. As the salvo flew towards him he slammed both hands down onto the floor and, using his ridiculous upper body strength, pushed off the ground in a front flip. My mouth dropped as the titanic minotaur flew gracefully through the air, each lightning orb passing underneath his flying form harmlessly. Miraculously, or perhaps he is just that skilled, he managed to land perfectly on his hooves, keeping up his charge with barely any momentum lost from his incredible acrobatics. Summer was just as surprised as I was and thus didn’t have time to react before the minotaur’s shoulder slammed into her, sending her flying backwards and tumbling against the ground.

Correction, that one looked like it really hurt.

Summer rose back to her hooves, her eyes burning with the same intense determination that filled Iron’s. She began to gather energy into her horn again as Iron scraped the floor with one hoof, ready to commit to another charge. If I didn’t do something, they were likely to kill each other. Or make out, not sure which. The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Actually, scratch that, you would probably need a chainsaw.

“Woah guys! That’s quite enough I think.” I shouted, standing up and striding forward.

I halted instantly as the both turned their gazes upon me before looking back at each other and sharing a blood chilling smile.

Crap, looks like I just gave them a new target for their ‘sparring’.

I began to flee, the demonic duo giving chase.

The next day was a long one to say the least. It took us the rest of the day to reach Manehatten, and considering how bruised and injured we were after our overactive sparring session, each mile felt like a hundred.

Still, we were here now at least. I was looking forward to getting a nice rest in an awesome, not to mention well-heated house. After all, if Summer’s dad really wins a million bits every year then he must have one pretty sweet crib. A crib I’m totally going to crash.

As we walked down the streets of Manehatten I found myself falling into one of my less reputable, yet still quite useful, habits. Appraising every shop I pass for their vulnerabilities to being robbed. The lock on that dress shop wouldn’t keep me out for three seconds. That music store might as well as just give me their money now. That bank is practically begging to be robbed.

Yup, I’ve still got it.

Summer led us swiftly through the town, dodging through crowds with a litheness that I would not have expected from a quadruped. Iron simply took a step and relied upon his massive frame to force others to move out of his way, though I noticed he would politely step around certain ponies. Mothers with foals, the infirm and the elderly in particular. He really was a gentletaur.

As for me, well, I walked through the crowd with the ease of an experienced pickpocket. By which I mean I was stepping through gaps and dodging ponies so quickly they didn’t even know I was there. I was also trying really hard not to rob people as I passed them. The fact that they keep their money in saddlebags, easy to steal from saddlebags, didn’t help me resist the temptation. I managed to though.

Eventually Summer took us past the market district and into a residential district near the dock. She led us happily along a cobbled road that she proudly declared to be her ‘home ground’. I guess this is where she grew up. Must have been nice to have a stable family, not moving around all the time. Wonder what that’s like...

I shook myself out of my reverie as I almost ran into Summer, who had stopped dead outside of a dilapidated looking house. The windows were smashed in and the garden had turned into a miniature jungle. Graffiti covered the front wall of the house, declaring it to be the sovereign ground of at least five different street gangs. I observed Summer’s gaping mouth and shocked eyes and, from this, drew an observation that I immediately verbalised.

“I take it that it doesn’t always look like this?” I asked rather redundantly.

Iron shot me a glare whilst Summer just continued to stare in shock at the house.

Yeah, something is definitely wrong here...

Eye of the Storm

Edited by:
PieisGood4U

The inside of Summer’s old house had evidently decided that the exterior had a certain amount of style and had endeavored to emulate it with gusto. Much of the remaining furniture was smashed into splinters, whilst some spaces were conspicuously absent of furniture.

Ugh, looters. How inelegant.

Summer wandered through the house like a ghost, Iron staying close to her. I saw her pause before a smashed portrait frame, running one hoof over it softly. Iron knelt down next to her and spoke some soothing words that I didn’t catch. I tore my eyes away from my devastated friend, knowing there was only one thing I could do to console her.

Find whoever did this and, presumably, find her dad.

First I went to examine the door, noting the cracked wood around the busted lock. The bar had been broken in two from the force of a very strong kick, though the amount of hoofprints that the door was permanently marked with indicated they didn’t have the greatest hoof-eye co-ordination. So they were big, strong and not overly smart...that doesn’t exactly narrow it down by much. After all, we can’t all be devilishly handsome, brilliant satyrs can we? Someone has to be the stupid brutes.

After they had managed to break down the door they had stormed into the house, not overly carefully judging from the scuff marks in the wooden floors. After that my job became much more difficult. Distinguishing the evidence from the original attackers from the damage left by various hooligans and looters added a new level of difficulty. Luckily, I had a lot of experience with crime scenes. Mainly causing them I admit, but still experience.

Our big stallion had charged forward at the head of the group, his inelegance causing him to bash into a corner and leave a noticeable dent in the woodwork. His companions had followed, practically galloping to keep up with their eager leader. They must have come upon Summer’s dad in the living room. Even an amateur such as me could read the signs of a struggle here.

The old stallion must have heard them breaking down his door and prepared to repel the invaders. A cast iron fire poker lay in one corner of the room, bent out of shape from its time as a bludgeoning weapon. That must have really hurt some unlucky bastard. Swift Storm had been disarmed though, probably due to some annoying unicorn magic. He was far from done though. Judging from deep hoof prints in the wooden floor, the big one must have tried to bull rush him, seeing his opponent disarmed. Father Storm must have been a spry old bugger though as he had evidently avoided the attack, leaving his opponent to bash headfirst into the wall, creating a large hole there.

I leaned forward to examine the hole, noting the bloodstains on the jagged wood. The big guy must be either stupid or extremely quick to anger, his thrashing about had just caused him greater harm. The other attackers must have charged forward now as the evidence dissolved into an unreadable medley of hoof prints. Presumably, Summer’s old man had been overwhelmed by sheer numbers, although the bloody teeth I found scattered around the room indicated that he hadn’t been taken easily. I picked up some of the teeth and broke off a chunk of wood from the jagged hole, looking closely at its blood covered point. I’m no detective - in fact I usually tried to avoid them - but perhaps Summer can use some freaky magic on this stuff to help us find them. I’d heard of people who claimed that they could divine the location of an individual using just an item of their clothing. I don’t know if such a thing actually exists in this world but it’s worth a shot.

Placing the evidence in a pouch, I went to find Summer and Iron. I came across them upstairs in one of the bedrooms, Iron was standing well back whilst Summer examined more broken picture frames.

“How is she?” I whispered to Iron.

“Not good.” He replied. “She blames herself.”

I gulped before stealing my nerves and approaching Summer. Time to charge headfirst into an emotional shitstorm.

“I should have been there for him.” She announced suddenly as I approached, causing me to freeze in place. I had no idea what to say to this, no words that wouldn’t sound pathetic or facile. Lacking anything worthwhile to say, I simply stayed silent. I don’t think it mattered though; she simply needed someone to talk at.

“I shouldn’t have left. He was too old - far too old - to be left on his own. He should have been in a home.” She continued, not removing her gaze from the picture in front of her. I began to slowly close the distance between us as she began again. “I should have placed enchantments on his house, or even hired somepony to guard him, or even-”

“Summer.” I interrupted gently. “Would he have let you do any of that?”

Judging from the evidence of the fight downstairs, Summer’s dad was an old warhorse. Not one to use others as a crutch. He was probably incredibly stubborn as well, which kind of explains where Summer gets it from.

“...No.” She sighed. “He wouldn't have...He raised me by himself you know?”

I had finally managed to get close enough to get a good look at the picture she was staring at. It depicted a grizzled looking pegasus stallion, steel grey with a rough brown mane. His muzzle was almost entirely taken up by a large bushy beard, although it failed to hide the wide grin he wore. One of his wings was rested atop a mare beside him who, at first glance, I initially presumed to be Summer as they looked so similar. It was only when I noticed the baby foal that she held in the crook of her leg that I realised who I was looking at. Summer’s mother.

She had the same coat colour as Summer, a light blue. They even shared almost identical manes, a pure radiant white. The only difference between them, other than their age in the photo, was a slight difference in their mane colours and their eyes. Where Summer’s mother had completely white hair, Summer’s was tinged with electric blue at the ends and spiked out far more than her mothers. Summer definitely had her father’s eyes, a deep grey colour that seemed to radiate the strength and determination of their owner, whereas Summer’s mother had light green eyes that spoke only of gentleness.

“She died soon after I was born. Apparently she never fully recovered from giving birth to me...and then when she fell ill, she just couldn't handle it.” Summer explained. “For a while I thought...I thought he might have blamed me for her death. I asked him about it one day, on my birthday, he just...he seemed so sad. A lesser stallion might have blamed me, but not dad. He went right up to me, a tearful little foal, and embraced me. He said “Your mother was a great mare. She passed all that onto you. How could I possibly hate you for the gift she gave?” I never doubted him from then on. He was the greatest stallion I ever knew...and I left him on his own.”

“Summer,” I began, kneeling next to her and throwing one arm around her in a hug. “We’ll find him, I promise you. We’ll kick the flank of whoever took him and bring him home. And then, he will tell us a lot of embarrassing stories about your foalhood.”

Summer gave a little half-chuckle at this, despite the tears still running down her face.

“You really think so?”

“We know so.” Iron said, walking over to the other side of Summer and putting an arm around her as well. “We’ll make them regret messing with the Storm family.”

We sat there for a while, Summer looking at the picture and crying her heart out whilst Iron and I did our best to console her.

Someone is definitely going to pay for this.

“You got everything?” I asked, standing outside of Summer’s home. The mare in question had just finished collecting together several pictures of her family and putting them safely inside her saddlebags. She had undergone a, rather terrifyingly, radical shift in temperament. Once all her tears had dried up she had become completely calm, almost scarily so. It was obvious that she had a lot of rage bubbling away beneath the mask, and god help anyone she chooses to unleash it upon.

“Pretty much. So, how are we going to find those bastards?” She replied.

I restrained my shock at hearing a little pony swear; after all, she probably has every right to use some naughty language considering the circumstances. Reaching into my pouches, I retrieved the teeth and the bloody splinter.

“I think the teeth belong to some goons, the blood is either their boss’ or just a really big stupid goon. Hard to tell really. Can you get anything from them?”

“Hmm.” Summer began, her expression turning completely professional. “I’m afraid the blood is useless in a tracking spell. It contains no white blood cells and, thus, no DNA that my magic can lock onto. Those teeth however...”

She grabbed them from my hands in a telekinetic grip whilst I tossed the splinter aside. Levitating them up in front of her face she began to examine them from all angles. She selected one in particular, a rather grotty looking subject but then I don’t think the perps dental hygiene really matters any more. If he even has any teeth left right now, Iron Will will probably fix that.

Advertising Iron Will’s speedy dental services. No longer will you be bothered by annoying little things like ‘chewing’ and ‘talking coherently.’ Don’t like eating solid food? Iron Will’s got a solution for you!

“Now then, I just need to drill through the enamel layer and get to the core of the tooth to extract the root.” The tooth shattered down the middle and split in two. “Or break it in two...that works as well. Alright then, tracking spell.”

Her horn lit up and a small spark leapt out from it to one of the tooth-halves. Another spark joined it and, before long, a constant stream of magic connected the horn and the tooth. Summer’s head began to jerk, as though her horn was pulling her along.

“He’s close.” She announced, beginning to gallop away. “Follow me!”

Iron and I looked at each other and shrugged before rushing to follow her. We had to sprint to keep up, our puny bipedal frames having trouble following Summer’s quadrupedal advantage. Still, at least we didn’t lose sight of her.

Kind of.

Alright, so we may have slightly lost sight of her when she reached a tavern on the dockside, blasted a hole through one of the walls with her magic and leapt inside. It was only for a minute really, maybe two, as me and Iron put on an extra burst of speed to try and catch up.

You would be amazed just how much damage a pissed off Summer Storm can cause in around a minute.

As we leapt through the convenient hole in the wall and into the tavern, we beheld a scene of awesome devastation. Chairs were smashed to splinters and tables had been overthrown. More than a few rough looking ponies lay twitching on the floor, suffering from a malady known as ‘being-damn-stupid-enough-to-get-between-Summer-and-her-target.’ It was a malady that a surprising amount of ponies in the bar suffered from apparently. Iron and I leapt over the incapacitated idiots and toward Summer as quickly as we could; she looked about ready to kill the stallion who was cowering in front of her.

“Where is he!?” She demanded, horn still crackling with wild power.

“Please don’t kill me! Please! I didn’t know!” The stallion cried in terror. I can’t really blame him for that, I’m pretty terrified of Summer right now as well.

“Where is he!?” She repeated, taking a threatening step forward and lowering her horn right in front of her target’s face.

“Oh Celestia! Thick Skull has him! Captain Thick Skull! Please don’t kill me!” He whimpered.

“Where is this Thick Skull?” Summer asked, stepping back from the stallion.

“At the docks! He has a ship there. A big one! A flag with a pony skull wearing a helmet!” The stallion blabbed hastily, eager to direct Summer’s anger elsewhere.

Summer glared at the stallion, her burning eyes narrowing and causing him to whimper in fright. For a moment I thought she was actually going to do it, that she was going to kill. Some would say that she had good reason to do so. This stallion had attacked and kidnapped her father, her only family in the world. Liam Neeson slaughtered his way through half of Europe when his family was taken and he’s generally regarded as a ‘hero’ for doing so. That’s the thing about heroes though; no one questions when they kill a bad guy. No one ever wonders about the families of all the goons they slaughter their way through. Heroes never have to pay for damages, or wonder if the choices they made are morally correct.

Heroes have no place in the real world.

In the end, Summer wasn’t a hero. She was a morally upstanding pony and a member of the Equestrian National Guard. She was raised by a good pony to be a good pony, and would follow his teachings to the end. So, instead of frying that dirtbag to a crisp, she simply turned around and walked away.

She bucked him in the face first of course. I said she was a good pony, not a great one.

The stallion fell to the ground, unconscious, and Summer was walking away before he even hit the floor. Iron and I shared another look before following after her. Men can say a lot with a single knowing glance. Entire scripts of prose and brilliant wit can pass unheard between males with as little as a single moment of eye contact. You can judge more by what a man says with his eyes than anything he will ever say with his mouth. I should know really; I am an unrepentant liar. In this case, however, only a single sentence of great importance was shared.

What the hell have we got ourselves into?

Author's note

Some of you may be wondering where Iron's warhammer went. To be honest, I found myself wondering the same thing. I had completely forgot about it for ages and realised he must have been lugging it around with him the entire time. After some consideration I realised that it isn't really necessary and doesn't contribute anything to the character so I have gone back and edited it out of the story. This note is here purely to avoid any confusion with readers who are thinking 'Why the hell did Iron just punch that guy? Doesn't he have a giant hammer?'

Well, now you know.

And now, a very special Editor's Note!

Editor's Note

PieisGood4U: Hello readers, by checking through the comment section I see I missed things and you pointed them out. I will take this as a declaration of war between us. Eventually I shallt win this war and leave you a chapter with 0 faults(probably not this chapter). Until then always be on guard when pies are nearby. They will strike when you least expect it.
hidden note: just to be ironic I decide to leave a spelling error I did in this text left.

PS: Keep pointing them out

Texas Stranger

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
backgroundbrony

“Summer! Wait up!” I called to the galloping unicorn.

She paid me no heed of course, and simply continued to sprint full pelt towards the docks, without even the tiniest shred of a plan to follow. That sounds more like something I’d do than Summer.

That actually worries me more than the fact that she nearly killed someone.

Iron and I were starting to have trouble keeping up with the maddened mare, her anger drove us on far beyond the limits of bipedal speed. I was actually pretty proud that I had managed to keep up so far; my sparring lessons must really be paying off after all.

“Summer! Is this what he would want you to do?” Iron shouted.

This seemed to have an effect on her. In fact, it had a most alarming effect. She suddenly planted her front hooves and swung her entire body around to face us. She was panting heavily in anger and exertion, and her eyes were simultaneously blazing with fury and wet with tears.

It is one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever seen.

“How dare you bring him up!” She screamed into our faces. “You don’t know him at all! He’s my father and some pirate wannabe bastards have him! What if he’s hurt?! What if he’s dying?!”

“Summer, we’ll get him out, don’t worry, but we can’t just go charging in without a plan. We’d just end up being overwhelmed and locked up with him.”

“Good! Then Ace can break us all out.” She said with a manic little smile.

“Not if they break my arms I can’t.” I interjected in the name of preserving my limbs. “These don’t seem like the sort of guys to just let people go around attacking their bases and getting away with limbs decidedly unbroken.”

“But...but...” Realizing that she had run out of arguments, she took a deep breath and let out a sigh. “Well, what do we do then?”

“First, we find this Thick Skull guy.” Iron said. “Then, we assess the situation and make a plan that won’t mess up after five minutes.” He said this whilst glancing at me.

...no comment.

Okay, apparently my brain has nothing to say on this subject. That’s a first really.

Summer seemed to accept this advice and walked off with Iron by her side, straining all the more to hold back tears now that her anger had gone.

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“That stallion really wasn’t lying. That is one big ship...oh, and look! It even has that helmet-wearing skull flag! Neat.”

Iron and I were stood near the docks whilst Summer went to cool down for a minute. By ‘cool down’ I mean that she was in a nearby alleyway kicking the crap out of a brick wall. Some people relax by smoking a pipe, others with Tai Chi. Summer, she seems to prefer violence. Oh well, each to their own.

“You got any ideas for how we actually do this?” Iron asked.

I began to scan the dockyard, my highly evolved tactical brain searching for any possible methods of attack. Thousands of years of human warfare, violence passed on through hundreds of generations, all led to this one moment. My ancestors may well have been mighty warlords or great generals, leaders of men whose tactical cunning could outfox the gods.

“Okay, here’s the plan. See those planks over there? We take them and use them to build a giant wooden pony, which we then hide inside. Then the pirates will be curious as to what it is and will take it inside their ship as a praise to their gods. Then, when night falls, we burst out of the wooden pony and take out the entire ship.”

Heh, I bet nobody in history has ever had a plan that great.

“I call it ‘The Manehatten Horse’ strategy!” I declared triumphantly.

Alexander the Great would be green with envy.

For a moment, Iron seemed to have been struck dumb by the sheer genius of my plan. Eventually he managed to regain his wits and speak.

“That...has got to be the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard. How the hell are we going to build a giant wooden pony? Why would the pirates take it inside their ship? How would it even fit in their ship? I don’t even think they have gods, ponies tend to either be atheist or just worship the Princesses. What if they checked the horse, or set it on fire? Besides, all this would plan would do is get us inside their base, where we would then be surrounded. On all sides. And outnumbered.”

After he had finished stabbing holes straight through my genius plan he stopped and looked over at me, raising one eyebrow expectantly.

“Well, I like it.” I responded.

“Here’s a better plan. Did you see that carpentry shop a little while back...”

I do not like Iron’s plan at all.

I was walking directly towards the pirate’s ship, my coat drawn tight against me and an ornate box clutched firmly in my hands. The ship’s lookouts, which had so far been lazing around looking menacing and generally scaring off any passersby, suddenly perked up as they noticed my current trajectory. Malicious grins appeared on their faces as they both reached down to their sides and drew their cutlasses with their mouths.

I really really don’t like Iron’s plan.

“Shtop wight mhere you arc.” He said, the sword in his mouth messing up his pronunciation of every word.

“...I’m sorry, what?” I said, sounding as meek as I could.

“Shtop wight mhere you arc!” He repeated.

“...Excuse me?”

He spat out the sword and glared at me. “I said: stop right where you are!”

I looked at him, then looked back at the spot where I had originally been when he spoke his first muffled demand. “...Would you like me to move back?”

The stallion sighed as though he were talking to a child. “No, that will be fine. What do you want here, at the ship of the mighty Pirate Lord Thick Skull!”

Well, at least we know we got the right place, then again it’s not like there are many other ships with a pony skull flag. Also, pirate LORD? Who gives a lordship to a pirate? Another pirate maybe?

“Oh, well...erm...I have something to sell to the great Pirate Lord. That is, if he wants it...not that he wouldn’t want it. I mean....he might like it?”

The stallion stared at me for a minute, quite possibly overcome by the sheer brilliance of my Fluttershy impersonation. “I suppose the Captain is always up for a bargain. Though if you disappoint, you could always become his new punching bag.”

“New punching bag?” I asked with an audible gulp.

“Yeah, his old one is some ancient geezer, can’t stand much of a pummeling either. Apparently he used to be some big shot sailor around here, always showing off and humiliating the Captain. Boss sure was happy when the order came down from on high to take that fogey.”

Orders? What kind of pirate takes orders?

“Alright this way.” The stallion said, picking up his sword in his teeth and starting forward. I hesitated and shot a glance behind me, hoping for some reassuring sight of Iron and Summer. Nothing. The stallion, getting impatient, poked me in the back with his sword. “Mhofe ahong.” He mumbled.

“...What?”

The stallion sighed once more and sheathed his sword. “Just...just go already.”

I was lead up the gangplank and onto the main deck, where a wide variety of ruffians and scoundrels were essentially doing busywork, which ranged from lounging about to scrubbing the deck. Many of them looked up and some even sneered at me, presumably trying to scare the little merchant I was pretending to be. True to my character, I cowered away from these individuals, suppressing my urge to make a remark about how bad their breath smelt.

The long-suffering sighing stallion took me all the way to the door to the Captain’s cabin, where he exchanged handling of me to another guard, presumably higher ranked, and explained my purpose here with a few whispered words. The new guard ran a critical eye over me, taking in my skinny frame and thin arms. Evidently he decided that I was no threat and opened the door for me, announcing my presence to his boss. Considering I was now surrounded by the sort of ponies you might imagine if someone said ‘mean, evil bastards’ then that guess wasn’t too far off the mark. The amount of damage that I could cause on my own would be minimal really.

The room I entered was an odd one indeed, as though it were designed by one type of person and then occupied by his complete opposite. Several columns of wood held up the ceiling, securing it in place and ensuring that nobody on the deck above would fall through. These pillars were made of a fine, engraved wood, covered in images of prancing ponies and the flag of Equestria. However, their beauty was slightly ruined by the fact that they had several throwing knives embedded in them and two of the well-carved pillars had an ugly hammock thrown up between them. The room also had a large wooden desk near the huge window, which occupied most of the back wall. The desk was as beautiful as the pillars, although it lacked the engravings. Here, the occupant had attempted to continue the carpenters work, perhaps believing something to be slightly lacking, by carving a variety of rude words into the top of the desk with a large knife. The window too, designed to give the captain a wide and awe-inspiring view of the sea as they travelled, was covered in a plethora of pictures of mares in what I can only presume to be provocative poses. Pony porn, how wonderfully crude.

Sitting in a large chair behind the desk, and carving something undoubtedly vulgar into it with a hoof-blade, was a large crimson stallion, his dark red coat wild and unwashed, perfectly matching his greasy black hair. His tongue was stuck out of one side of his mouth as he focused all of his incredible intellect on the conundrum of how to spell the word ‘wanker’. As I got closer I noticed, with some depression, that he had decided to spell it with a ‘c’.

In the name of both Swift Storm and the English Language, this guy is going to pay.

“Oy! Who’s ‘dis wanker?” He shouted, finally noticing my presence and apparently not hearing the guard announce me earlier. The same guard repeated his earlier statement, understanding slowly growing in his boss’s puny brain.

“So, youse ‘ere to sell me sometin’?” He slurred out, his butchery of the spoken word continuing.

Damn...I can’t insult him. Stupid plan, stupid disguise.

“Erm...Yes sir, yes indeed. I am a trader from across the seas. I hear that you are a stallion of...” I had to mentally prepare myself for the next lie. “Wisdom and great strength.”

As I said this, Thick Skull nodded, smiled and flexed one of his biceps, appreciating the rippling muscle with a look of such love that it bordered on the perverse. I was honestly confused whether or not I should continue or give him and his muscles some alone time. I chose to plow on though, before he could think about taking his biceps out to dinner and perhaps getting his triceps involved to make it a threesome.

“Yes...erm, well I found this artifact in my homeland, Texas, and escaped here to Equestria to sell it. Unfortunately, nopony has had the bravery to buy it from me. However, I can see that you are a stallion of foresight and knowledge.” I had to restrain from retching as this lie burnt my mouth. “Who would undoubtedly put the Arc of Norris to great use.”

“An wha’ exactly is ‘dis Arc of Borris t’ing?”

“Long ago, there was a great hero who went by the name of Norris. Legend says that he could walk on water and swim through land, that he could stop a blade using only his beard. When he did push-ups, he actually just pushed the world down and the only reason that the sun and the moon move is because he gave them a stern warning once and they’ve never dared to stop. Apparently, he once died and Death was too scared to go tell him of the fact, so he essentially became immortal.” A normal human being would have grown bored pretty soon of all these terrible Chuck Norris jokes. Thick Skull, however, was practically eating them all up, so I chose to continue. “Eventually, he decided that he must leave this world, lest the sheer power of his presence shatter the earth we stand upon. He placed a large portion of his power, contained within his beard, into this box and then departed, to go kick the collective behinds of every demon in hell. I have found his treasure and now offer it to you, for the small price of 20,000 gold pieces.”

“Tat’s quite tha’ tale but I gots a small question. Why should I botha payin’ youse?” With that, he leapt over the desk and struck me once in the chest with his forehoof. I tumbled back obligingly and dropped the box conveniently at his hooves.

He gave a dark little chuckle and picked it up in his mouth, trotting back behind his desk and setting is prize upon it. Slowly, with a look of intense greed in his eyes, he began to reach towards the box to open it.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” I warned him in vain.

“Yeah? But ya’ not me though, which is why youse is on tha’ floor in pain and I’ms about to become immortal. Then, Gang Plank wonts be able to boss me about anymore. I’ll be the big Pirate King and he’ll ‘ave to obey me!”

He flung the box open, his face alight with a burning hunger and greed as he prepared to welcome the gift of almighty power. He didn’t get that of course. What he instead welcomed was a spring loaded wood-carved fist to the face, the small gem embedded in the fist lit from within by wild magic as it crashed into Thick Skull’s namesake. The moment the wooden fist connected, the gem exploded outwards as all of its energy was released in a single titanic blast, sending Thick Skull hurtling backwards, screaming in pain and fury.

Right through his window and out of the ship.

I probably should have told him that Chuck Norris keeps another fist beneath his beard.

I got up off of the floor and calmly walked around the desk, admiring the craftsmanship of the simple spring mechanism and the wooden fist. That carpenter pony had been brilliant, especially once we told him what we needed it for. Then once Summer had added her little ‘upgrade’ it had gone from a hilarious prank to a deadly trap.

Of course any moment the guards should come bursting in after hearing all the commotion, but Iron said that he and Summer would see to them whilst I moved onto the next part of the plan. Suddenly, there was a large crash from outside, followed by the deep boom of thunder and a multitude of panicked shouts. Ah, that must be them now.

I looked down at the multiple drawers of the desk in front of me, wondering where I should begin my search, when I noticed that Thick Skull had carved a little reminder into each of them. Quickly finding the one labeled ‘Da Keys’ I yanked it open and retrieved said item from inside, a large ring of simple iron keys.

Swiftly crossing the room, I poked my head out the door and noticed that all the pirates, guards included, were crowded around the front edge of the ship, all of their backs to me. I also noticed the sheer amount of devastation that had been done to the ship, presumably the effects of Summer's wrath. Silently, I crept across the deck and down the stairs that led to the brig and cargo area. As I did so, my thoughts drifted back to Thick Skull, particularly the image of him screaming as he was shot out to sea by an explosive fist to the face.

That image is going to amuse me so much for a very long time.

Chuckling quietly, I stepped down into the dark of the ships underbelly...

The Great Pirate Punch-up

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
backgroundbrony

In a nearby alleyway, Iron and Summer watched as Ace strode towards the ship, had a rather confusing conversation with a guard and then was led inside.

“Are you sure you’re up for this?” Iron asked, looking at the decidedly calmer Summer.

“I’m sure. Besides, you couldn’t stop me if you tried.” She replied.

“Don’t be so sure about that.” He said wryly. “But what I mean is, are your emotions in check? I know how dangerous that can be for unicorns.”

Summer knew this too, all unicorns were taught at an early age that magic is intrinsically linked to emotion. Certain emotions, such as love, can be used to add additional power to defensive spells such as shields, but could never be used to directly attack another living being. Anger was one of the more dangerous emotions to fuel magic off of. It’s naturally destructive nature augments offensive spells to the point where very little can stand against them, however these rage spells tend to have unwanted effects. There had been reports in the past of angry unicorns accidently attacking friends or family as they lost control of their magic, some even going so far as to destroy themselves.

“Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.” Summer said, though she felt anything but. Despite her attempts to calm down she could still feel the rage, bubbling away beneath the thin veil of tranquility she had adopted. “I’ve never had a Magical Eruption in my life, I’m not about to ruin that record.” She looked up and smiled at him. “Your concern is appreciated though.”

Iron smiled back at his unicorn friend, silently vowing that if she lost control in the upcoming battle then he would knock her out. He wasn’t about to lose her, especially not to herself.

“So, how long do you reckon Ace needs?” Summer spoke up in an attempt to change the topic.

“Ah probably not very long at all. I’ll say one thing about the lad, he has the extraordinary ability to get into trouble in record time.”

Summer silently nodded and a comfortable silence descended as they went back to watching the ship. It wasn’t long until they saw the rather distinctive signal they had planned ahead of time. The window at the back of the ship that looked into the captain’s quarters shattered outwards, a small figure shooting out to sea.

“Let’s go.” Iron whispered as they left the alleyway.

Summer wasted no time introducing herself to the ponies who had kidnapped and tortured her father. Her horn lit up as she called upon her inner reserves of magic, the framework for the spell she needed forming in her mind. She channeled the power into the framework which began to shape the raw magic into a tangible, usable form before releasing it outwards towards the pirate’s ship. It would take a unicorn to appreciate the beauty of the spell she had just used, the efficiency in which she converted magical power into devastating lightning. Of course, you didn’t need to be a unicorn to appreciate the effectiveness of her attack. Three bolts of pure lightning shot out at the ship, the sound of their passage travelling desperately in their wake. Where they struck, calamity reigned.

The first shot eagerly over the heads of the pirates, striking the furthest of the ship’s three masts. The mizzen mast groaned in strain as a large portion of its base was completely obliterated. Slowly - almost gracefully - it began to fall. Screaming sailors scrambled from underneath its fall path as it plummeted off the ship and into the sea. The second shot, in an attempt to outdo its older brother in terms of sheer property damage, struck the broad side of the ship, blasting a ten foot wide hole in the ship and leaving the wood around it blackened and scorched. There was more screams from inside the ship as pirates were rudely awakened and began to scramble about, desperate to either find a nice place to hide or take the fight to their attackers. The third bolt did as third brothers often do, whereas its two siblings had struck once and caused a large amount of destruction with a single blast, this one chose to be more cunning and strike in a place that would cause true grief. To this end, it did not so much as strike as it did lightly touch. It came down upon a tangle of rope that led upwards into the riggings, not inflicting much damage at all on the ship but instead setting the rope on fire. The fire, eager and new with life, shot upwards along the rope, dancing a merry jig along the rigging and over the sails, setting wood and canvas alight as it hopped about.

Iron stood, jaw dropped in amazement, as he beheld the effects of a single attack from Summer. The ship was now crippled, heavily damaged and on fire. As far as first impressions go, that one was perhaps the most memorable he had ever seen. The pirates certainly wouldn’t be forgetting that one anytime soon.

Upon the deck, the pirates were galloping about under the command of a single stallion, the same guard who had led Ace inside, presumably the first mate. He had managed to organize them enough to have the pegasi among the crew fly up and extinguish the flame, as well as whipping the rest of the crew into a vague fighting formation around the front of the ship.

“Who dares?!” He screamed out at the two, spittle flying from his mouth.

Iron and Summer stared unblinkingly as a small army gathered on the foredeck of the ship, a terrifying array of deadly weapons pointed towards them. Cutlasses, maces, flails, spears; all were aimed at the duo with vicious intent. Summer stepped forward, scared by how calm she had become.

“I am Summer Storm, daughter of Swift Storm. You have attacked and imprisoned my father. For that you will pay.” She stated simply.

The stallion's eyes widened as he realised the identity of his adversary. Turning his head, he looked questioningly over at the huge minotaur.

“Iron Will.” The minotaur introduced himself. “I’m just along for the ride.”

Each side stared silently at each other, assessing the skills of their opponents. Summer had already displayed the terrible power she wielded, and it was obvious the Iron was no wimp in a fight. On the other side, pirates of all three races of ponies were prepared to beat back the invaders who dared to attack their ship. They numbered fifty strong, each armed to the teeth with vicious weapons and capable with their own individual skills.

It was almost a fair fight.

The calm was shattered as the first mate screamed out an order to attack. Pegasi took to the air, a variety of wing mounted blades flashing in the sunlight. Earth ponies galloped down the gangplank, their natural strength augmented by metal shod hooves and armoured bulks. Unicorns lit up their horns and prepared offensive spells. They needed no weapon, though some of them levitated blades beside them nonetheless.

Iron and Summer looked at each other, already knowing what to do to best take on the approaching enemies. There was no need for a spoken plan between them, they simply acted silently and without hesitation.

Lowering his head, Iron charged towards the Earth ponies who were hurrying down the gangplank, two abreast. Many of them had already managed to reach the solid land of the dock, whilst others looked on in horror as the giant minotaur charged their unstable position on the bridge to the ship. The first wave of Earth ponies braced against the charge, confident that their combined bulk could easily stop Iron’s foolish charge. At the front of their line, a particularly large set Earth pony stallion readied himself to take the full force of the charge, grinning slightly at the challenging prospect of stopping the huge creature barreling down on him. His smirk fell away from his face, replaced with look of horror, as Iron slammed his hooves into the floor, sparks flying up as he killed his momentum. Iron’s arms shot out and grabbed the large stallion by the front hooves, easily yanking him off his hooves and into the air. Spinning once, he used the stallion as a makeshift club to smash the front five Earth ponies aside, sending them flying off the dock. The rest of the ponies looked on in shock as their line was devastated. Before they could fully recover, Iron had continued his attack, his living club flying out three more times, sending several more stallions either off the dock or into unconsciousness. With the Earth ponies who had managed to make it onto the dock now eliminated, Iron threw his weapon towards the remaining ones before grabbing the end of the gangplank, straining his muscles as he lifted it up and threw it into the sea. His job done, he looked over to see how Summer was doing.

After Iron had charged off to deal with the ground units, Summer had been left facing the full power of fifteen unicorns, as well as the pegasi who were still circling above. She activated a small spell, a simple construct that was almost always overlooked by most unicorns, who believed that, as it had no directly offensive capabilities, it was useless in combat. It was an enchantment that augmented the user’s eyesight, allowing them to see the raw power of magic in the world around them. With it, Summer could see the spells that the enemy unicorns were constructing around their horns. For the most part they were simply telekinetic force spells which most unicorns knew as a basic defense. Some had decided on more advanced pyrokinetic spells, designed to shoot a fireball at their foe. Smirking, Summer began to cast another spell, weaving the magic around herself into a Double-Weave Shield. It was an advanced piece of magic and Summer was thankful for the rigorous training she had received as a member of the National Guard. Without it, she would have no chance of surviving this attack.

The unicorns fired their spells, dangerous magic arcing through the air towards Summer. The first salvo of force spells struck against the initial weave, many of them being reflected directly upwards by Summer’s shield. There was many a surprised yelp, followed by falling feathers, as the reflected spells struck some of the flying pegasi, who’s hesitance to enter the fray seemed to be doing them no favours at all.

The second wave of spells, the fireballs, went straight through the first layer of the shield, which was only designed to beat back the force spells. They instead were absorbed by the second layer, fire flickering around Summer as she absorbed the full power of their attack, sucking up the magic that powered the spells and adding it to her own thaumaturgical reservoirs. The fire dissipating, she released her shields and grinned up at the ensembled unicorns.

“My turn.” She spat out.

The unicorns began to hastily erect lightning shields, expecting an attack similar to the first one that had devastated their ship. It was true that Summer was mainly proficient in lightning based attacks, but that did not mean she was foolish enough to think that direct attack was the only way to use her abilities. Aiming her horn carefully, she began to cast, causing a jagged bolt of lightning to fire from her horn. The bolt shot past where the shielded unicorns stood on the forecastle, the smell of burning ozone filling the air as it flew by their heads. Rather than directing her energy towards any biological targets, Summer had instead aimed for one of the ships two remaining masts. The foremast, its sails already ablaze from Summer's earlier attacks, groaned as its base was blown out as well. Slowly, it began to fall, heading straight towards the unicorns, who watched its descent, immobilized by a combination of shock and fear. Just as the mast began to pick up speed, the unicorns recovered some of their survival instincts and leapt overboard to escape, choosing the freezing cold of the dock over a fiery death on the ship.

Summer grinned in triumph, pleased at her victory. This expression was quickly wiped from her face when she was forced to leap back to avoid a bolt of lightning that came from above. The pegasi had evidently managed to get their act together, had gathered up some dark clouds and were now starting to shoot at her...with lightning. The irony was not lost on Summer as she began to erect a barrier around herself. Several more bolts came down and were easily absorbed by her shield. Flicking through the spells she knew she chose one that would do a maximum amount of devastation to the pegasi, a hex that would cause their cloud weaponry to turn against them. Just as she began to build the framework of the spell, she felt a disturbance in her shield, followed by a lancing pain that sent her flying backwards, gasping for breath.

Recovering as quickly as possible from the unicorn attack, she looked up to see several soggy spellcasters charging their horns, looking pissed from their dip in the ocean. Struggling back to her hooves, Summer quickly threw up a weak barrier around herself without any regard for things like shield specialisation. It was fragile, sloppy and would have earned her a hoof to the head from her old guard sergeant, but it would last long enough to give her a chance. Turning tail on the forces now combined against her, she began to flee to the nearest cover, the cruel laughter of the victorious pirates following her.

Iron Will was facing a similar problem. Half of the pegasi had split off and were now doing bombing runs on him, using their superior speed to take swipes at him before retreating to the safety of the sky. To compound his problems, the Earth ponies had now fished themselves out of the bay and, after a brief drying off, were now attacking the minotaur in force. One would dart forward whilst he was distracted swiping a pegasus away, spin round and land a buck on him. While a single kick was no where near enough to take down Iron Will, the sheer amount of enemies was slowly straining his endurance. Iron winced as one lucky bastard got past his defences and gave him a solid kick to the leg, which definitely felt like it would bruise. The moment he tried to retaliate a pegasus swooped in and kicked him in the back, allowing his Earth pony compatriot to escape unharmed.

The ponies flighty behaviour was beginning to infuriate Iron Will. He wanted to grab them, crush them, break them. He wanted to rend the cowards apart and show them the true strength of the minotaurs. He felt the blood pumping round his body and rushing to his head as he thought of this. The vision of their bloody corpses lent strength to his limbs and fearlessness to his heart. A red mist descended as he began to snort through his nose and scrape his hoof on the floor.

And then a shout of pain reached his ears. Summer’s shout of pain.

As quickly as his rage had begun, it ended. Iron immediately whipped his head round and saw Summer lying on the ground, unmoving. One of the unicorns had managed to get through her shield and sent her sprawling as she tried to escape and now the pirates were closing in. Unicorns stepped menacingly forward, prepared to finish off the one who had done so much damage to them. Their pegasi comrades hovered overhead, eagerly watching the punishment that was to come. Iron knew what he had to do.

Lowering his head, he performed another goring charge, the signature attack of his people, and slammed right through the circle of ponies that had surrounded him, their attacks having little effect against his swiftly moving bulk. Earth ponies who dared to stand between him and Summer quickly found themselves becoming temporary pegasi, flying gracefully through the air before landing violently on the floor. Iron’s charge took him directly towards where Summer lay prone and he swept her up as he went past, being as careful as possible with the injured unicorn. As soon as she was secure in his arms he ran on, heading for the temporary cover that some stacked crates would provide.

As he rolled in behind the cover, Summer began to come to, the attack from earlier evidently had merely stunned her for a moment.

“Ugh, what happened?” She asked, her bleary vision focusing on Iron Will.

“Some lucky bugger got through your shield.” He responded. “I’m not sure which one it was though so I figure we take them all out. That way we will probably get him.”

“Probably?”

“Well, it’s possible that he’ll run off screaming like a little sissy.” Iron said, shooting her a grin.

Summer returned the grin, enjoying the sight of the usually grumpy minotaur smiling. Iron was forced to wipe the smile off of his face as he ducked to avoid a unicorn’s magical strike that had managed to clear the barrier. Seeing Iron in danger, Summer immediately looked over the cover, identified the unicorn who shot at them and sent enough electricity his way to leave him a twitching mess on the floor.

“Thanks.” Iron grumbled, picking himself up off the floor and leaning against their barricade again. “You reckon they’ll run out of tosspots soon?”

“Probably not.” Summer replied, beginning to charge another spell in her horn. “I think we may have interrupted the tosspot tea party and now we’re the main course.”

“Damn. How much longer do you think Ace will be?” Iron questioned as he looked around for some way to contribute to the ranged battle. Prying up a loose cobblestone, he hurled it at a unicorn. His prodigious strength allowed the missile to travel at insane speeds, smashing his target in the head before the spellcaster could even react.

“Hopefully not much longer. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep casting like this, I’m running dangerously low on energy.”

Iron also hoped that Ace wouldn’t be much longer. If Summer ran out of magical power then they wouldn’t be able to hold the advancing pirates back any longer. At which point this distraction would become a death sentence.

Iron shrugged and picked up another stone, aiming to knock a pegasus out of the air this time. He knew what he had to do. Keep fighting and, if possible, make sure his partner gets it out of here alive. These two objectives in mind, the sturdy minotaur carried on his battle.

Completely oblivious to the fact that Summer had the exact same objectives.

Why yes, this chapter is essentially one long fight scene. I felt that we hadn’t seen enough of Summer and Iron recently, and definitely not enough of them kicking flank together. So here it is, hope you enjoyed the beatdowns.

One of the things I used here which I don’t usually do is the weird overhead view style of writing. Omniscient narration I think it is called. Please tell me if you find it confusing when I flick between Iron and Summer like this and I’ll change it. Maybe add some line breaks to differentiate who’s who.

Also, ACTION! YEEEEEEAH!

About as action-y as refrigerated jelly,
Barrel-of-fun

Any Port in a Storm

Edited by:
Blazinblade7

More crashing and roaring came from above as I entered the belly of the beast. I continued on with my part of the plan, putting aside my worries about the fact that my friends were risking their lives to give me time.

Better get a move on then.

I encountered a problem early on though. I didn’t actually know anything about the layout of ships so I wasn’t sure if the path I was taking would lead me towards the brig or the kitchens. Therefore I had adopted the tactic of ‘If in doubt, follow your nose.’ Sniffing the air once, I set off in what I hoped was the right direction down a narrow flight of stairs.

Around three minutes later I stumbled upon the kitchen. Guess that’s what I get for following my nose, especially when I’m hungry. Over by a large cooking pot, an earth pony busied himself throwing various vegetables into a soup, seemingly oblivious to the battle that raged outside. Since he was so wrapped up in his work, I chose not to disturb him and simply stole a couple of apples off of a shelf near the door.

What? I was hungry.

Taking a bite out of a large, juicy green apple, I carried on my merry journey through the ship, abandoning my nose in favour of just randomly guessing where the brig was. This turned out to be a much better plan as, barely a minute later, I almost fell down some stairs that led to a much darker level of the ship. Judging from the putrid smell that was wafting up from there, this must be the brig. Also, if the United Nations saw this place they would have a field day. I’m willing to bet that this prison isn’t up to code according to the Geneva Convention.

Do ponies even have a Geneva Convention? They would probably have it turned into some terrible pun anyway.

The Colteva Convention? Nah, that’s terrible.

With a hop, a skip and a bloody quick fall, I stumbled down the tiny stairway into the darkness of the brig. Thankfully, the stairway wasn’t very long so my fall was not overly painful. Still rather embarrassing though, at least Iron and Summer didn’t see that. As soon as I picked myself up, I heard a cruel voice echo throughout the shadowy hallways of the extensive brig.

“Not such a big stallion now are ya?” The voice sneered out. In response there was merely some coughing and spluttering. “Just a washed up old fool. No family, no ship, no working legs. What can you do now?”

“Can still spit on you.” An older, gravelly voice responded followed by the sound of spit flying and a wet splat as it impacted on its target.

“Agh! Ya senile coot! I’ll kill ya!” There was thumps, and the sound of hooves hitting flesh echoed through the hallways.

I began to move warily towards the sound, one hand reaching behind my back for where my knife was concealed. Hopefully, I wouldn’t have to use it. But I wasn’t about to let an old man...stallion be beaten to death either. If the choice was between killing a torturing coward or letting Summer’s dad die...

Well, I hope I don’t have to make that choice.

The sound of beatings given and the pained grunts of beatings received grew louder as I travelled through the grim hallways, getting louder and louder as I approached. Finally, a dull light appeared near the end of the corridor. Flickering orange candle light shone out of one of the cells, the music of violence clearly coming from within. As quickly and as silently as possible, I approached the cell, leaning around the wall and peering in to assess the situation.

The most immediately apparent thing in the room was the form of two stallions, one beating on the other. The first, Swift Storm judging by the beard alone, was hung from the ceiling, chains wrapped around his forelegs. He looked almost nothing like the strong, confident family stallion that I had seen in the picture back at his home. His light grey coat was covered in dark spots, be they bloodstains or bruises I could not tell, and his whole frame was weakened, emaciated to the point where he appeared almost skeletal like. The legs that were chained to the ceiling seemed to hang loose in their sockets, whilst his rear legs were clearly broken, one of them even had bone sticking out of an ugly wound. His chest, no longer the broad barrel that it had once been, now had ribs poking through in a grisly display of the effects of starvation. Throughout all this, the devastation that had been wrought on his mortal frame, he still had a fiery defiance in his eyes. This stallion was far from broken.

The other figure was his tormentor. A dark grey unicorn who, disregarding his magical powers, had opted to use his hooves on his victim, smashing them again and again into Swift Storm’s chest and face. A sadistic grin pulled back at his muzzle as he inflicted brutal pain upon the chained stallion. As I watched he pulled away, panting heavily from the exertion. He lit his horn and levitated a knife close to him, admiring the blade of the cruel instrument.

“Now then, I’ve saved the best for last. Captain Gang Plank wants your little trade secrets and, whilst that fool Thick Skull is far too direct to get anything but broken ribs, I am a far more patient pony. I’ve saved the best for last you see. Your wings. I’ve heard tales of how you have used your wings as sails to assist your boating, to traverse the sea as none have before you. I’m going to take them from you now. If you would be so kind as to scream for me, that would just make this moment so perfect.”

I couldn’t stand around listening anymore. As the torturer closed in, his eyes and his blade shining in the candlelight, I rushed forward, recklessly trying to stop the batshit crazy sadist. My charge, heroic though it may have been, was immediately hampered somewhat by the sneaky length on loose manacle that had managed to wrap around my leg and trip me up. Obviously it was enchanted in some way to be deliberately malicious to anyone who comes near it because there is no possible way I could be that clumsy.

Of course, this had the effect of turning my brave rush into more of a slightly gallant stumbling followed by an extremely valiant head-over-hooves roll. In short, rather than tackling the torturer like a burly Welsh rugby player I instead fell over him like a distinctly less burly American rugby player.

No, I won’t call it American football. In football you use your feet as the main ball-handling limb. It’s in the name.

The stallion yelped as I slammed into him, dropping his knife to the ground as we rolled over each other. He tried to throw me off and I, using my superior tactical knowledge, clung desperately to him and shouted loudly in his ear. Shouted; not screamed. This eventually ended up with us in a rather compromising position with me lying atop him, breathing deeply, whilst he looked up at me, his eyes shimmering with hope. I was about to make a witty one-liner about him not being my type when I noticed something was missing.

Where’d my knife go?

It was probably on the floor somewhere, dropped during my totally graceful tumble. Doubt it mattered really, as I had apparently found a better solution to stabbing ponies. Seduce the guard, such a simple trick and yet it always seems to work in movies. Truly a classic. Judging by the look that the stallion had in his eyes, he was very much into me...or maybe he was just into people who took control. Either way, this should work out quite well.

It was then that I located my knife.

The moment it flew from my hand it had evidently flew through the air with unerring accuracy, as if guided by some divine hand, straight into the torturer’s crotch. The thrashing as we fought hadn’t been his attempts to dislodge me but was rather his random flailing about in pain. The shimmering in his eyes wasn’t brought on by hope or lust, but the tears caused by the incredible loss of something precious. Despite his technical affiliation as my enemy, I still felt kinda bad for the guy. I quickly hopped up off of him, looking down to assess the damage.

“Maybe if I pull it out real quick?” I mused.

“No! No! Don’t do that!” The pained stallion screamed.

“Well I can’t exactly just leave it in there.” I replied.

“Get a medic then!”

“Sorry, don’t know any. Also, I’d rather my presence here wasn’t announced. You see, I’m also kind of here to break out this prisoner and well...it would be a bit embarrassing if I were caught. Professional standards, you know how it is right?” The stallion whimpered some more in response. “Yeah, you understand. I could lose my thief license if I get caught by a bunch of scum-sucking pirates - no offence - not to mention any pride I might have in my work.”

I was babbling a bit now but I don’t think I could be blamed for this. I’d just stuck a knife in a stallion’s junk, I was feeling a little guilty.

“C’mon...stop torturing the poor fellow.” A deep voice coughed out from behind me, causing me to turn around. “So you're here to rescue me eh?”

“Yup! Summer sent me.” I exclaimed, happy to not have to look at the newly made eunuch anymore.

“Summer...she came back?” He said, his eyes beginning to fill with tears. I was getting much better at recognizing tears lately, wonder why. “Still...she couldn’t find anyone better?” He glanced round at the mess I had managed to make of the rescue.

“Is there something wrong with my rescue?” I asked archly. “Perhaps you would like to stay in those chains whilst I go back and find someone else?”

“Nah, that’ll be alright laddie. Get me down would you, my legs are killing me.”

Complying, I walked over to the injured torturer and, apologizing to him once more, grabbed the keys off of a belt that was around his barrel. I quickly freed Swift Storm and grabbed him as he collapsed out of his chains, the weight of him nearly driving me to my knees. Huffing, I balanced the cripples pegasus on my back, careful to avoid injuring him any further. Thankfully, Swift Storm still had his wings and used them to relieve some of the load on my back with the occasional flap of the flight appendages.

“You ready to meet you daughter now?” I asked of the old warhorse on my back.

“Just a moment, I’ve got one more thing to do first.” Saying this, he reached out with a wing towards where the torturer was still whimpering on the floor. Wrapping the surprisingly dexterous appendage around the hilt of my knife, he yanked it out with a vicious tug. The stallion immediately began wailing in pain once more, blood flowing freely from his horrific injury.

“There, now I’m done.” Storm said as he handed my knife back to me, which I cautiously accepted and replaced in its sheath.

“I have an idea,” He announced after a moment. “But we’re going to need to make a detour.”

“Is this really the time for sightseeing? We need to get out of here.” I replied, beginning to move off in the direction of the exit. I felt a hoof collide with my head as Storm punished my disobedience.

“Listen to your elders boy.” He grumbled before sniffing the air once more. “We need to go that way, to the left.”

Doing some grumbling of my own, I reluctantly set off in the direction he had pointed out, heading down another flight of narrow stairs to arrive at a room absolutely full of wooden barrels. They were piled high around the room, some restrained in place by rope whilst others rolled freely on the floor. The most immediately noticeable thing about the room though was the overpowering stench of alcohol that pervaded every nook and cranny. The potent smell stung at my eyes, forcing me to blink rapidly to clear them of water.

“Is this rum?” I asked, inadvertently allowing the sharp stench to invade my throat as I did so. I felt drunk just being in the same room as all this alcohol.

“Aye laddie, and port of course. This be the pirate’s booze stash.” Storm said happily, seemingly unaffected by the smell. “We’re gonna blow it sky high.” He finished, as though he were announcing that he was going out for a nice walk in the park.

“Excuse me?” I coughed out. I was no stranger to blowing stuff up when the need be, but antagonizing the already pissed-off pirates more by blowing up their ship and their rum seemed like a bad move to me.

“You’ve got to understand something about seafaring stallions boyo.” He said, as he urged me over to one of the nearby barrels. “This ship will be more than just a vessel to a lot of them. It’s their home, their livelihood. Blowing it up will strike a major blow to their watchamacallit...morale! Aye, their morale.” He knocked on the barrel a few times with one wing, evidently pleased with the response he received as he had me lever the cork out of it.

“What about the pirates on board? What about that stallion we left in the brig?”

“What about ‘em?” He replied. “They wouldn’t hesitate to kill you, why should you care so much about their welfare?” He took a gulp of the port in the barrel, swished it around his mouth before spitting it out. “Besides, most of this is crappy cheap stuff, I doubt it will burn very well.” He has me check out another barrel, this time smiling upon tasting it. “Ah! Sailor Merry! This’ll produce a jolly spark. 92 proof, that’s the good stuff.”

“We can’t just go blowing ponies up!” I continued to protest.

“Why not? It’s much easier than hitting them all...though it does lack that personal touch.”

“But...what about the death?”

“What death?” The old stallion spat out. “There isn’t enough good quality rum here to cause even the smallest explosion. Still, we should at least be able to burn the ship down...though it won’t be the quickest of blazes. Shame that.”

Well that was good news, at least everyone should be able to escape alright. Still, playing with fire was never the smartest of ideas, everyone knew that. Everyone except Swift Storm apparently, who had managed to find a piece of cloth that he had proceeded to soak in run and jam into the top of one of the casks of rum.

“There we go. Now then, got a light?”

Sighing, I pulled out my box of matches, most commonly used for lighting my pipe, and carefully lit the end of the soaked rag. As it ignited, we began to hurry out, not wanting to be anywhere near the ship when a real conflagration began.

As we emerged onto the top deck, blinking slightly in the harsh sunlight, I let out a relieved sigh as I noticed that the pirates had all left the ship. My relief was twofold as it meant they wouldn’t burn to death and I wouldn’t have to fight my way through them whilst carrying Swift Storm on my back. Things are starting to look up.

I carried Storm over to the front edge of the ship, looking down to assess the situation below. Looks like Summer and Iron had got themselves into a spot of bother. The pirates forces; pegasi, unicorns and Earth ponies were all closing in. Although many members of their crew were already down for the count, they didn’t seem to be willing to relent and were slowly closing in on Iron and Summer’s position.

Propping Storm further up on my back, I began to jog over to the gangplank, hurrying down it as quickly as possible, fully aware that at any moment flames could appear quick of my heels. I let out a quick sigh of relief once we had reached the safety of the stone dockside. Good luck getting me now fire.

Almost as soon as we reached safety, there was an extremely concerning ‘fwoosh’ sound from behind me. Turning around, I couldn’t help but notice that the ship I had occupied less than a minute ago had adopted a rather drastic change in appearance. Mainly flames. Everywhere. There had been some flames when I’d gone below deck and there had been slightly more when I’d come up again, probably the result of Summer, which I don’t think is covered by the pirate’s insurance. However, with the addition of Storm’s molotov barrels of fun down below, it had quickly evolved into a raging inferno. A noticeable raging inferno at that.

“I may have underestimated the strength of that there rum...” Storm mumbled

The pirates who had been harassing Summer and Iron span round, mouths gaping, as they watched their ship burn. I noticed other ponies round the dock, who had apparently been too terrified to come out before, poke their heads past curtains or around walls to witness the ruinous power of fire.

As we watched, silent in awe, two figures stumbled out from the ship. The first looked like the chef I had come across earlier and he sprinted past his slower companion and dove gracefully into the sea. It was clear who the second was, even from this distance, as he appeared to be holding onto his still bleeding crotch as he stumbled around. He hobbled as quickly as possible over to one railing of the ship, probably because his tail was on fire, and threw himself over into the cooling water of the sea. That is to say, the cooling saltwater of the sea. The moment his wound hit the water, he let out a blood-chilling scream of pain, causing every pony, minotaur, griffin, Diamond dog and satyr for miles around to wince in shared pain, regardless of gender. Still, at least his butt wasn’t on fire anymore.

I turned to look at the demoralized and terrified pirates, who were now both homeless, jobless and very worried about the continued security of their crotches. I could see in their eyes that it wouldn’t take much to make them run now. Opening my mouth, I was about to send them fleeing just like I had done with the Diamond dogs, when another voice beat me to it.

“Run.” Swift Storm said from atop my back, his gravelly voice carrying through the silent air.

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The pirates immediately turned tail and ran, scattering in whatever direction they could find either a ship, a job or a mother figure to hug their fear away. All in all, a damn good day of work here.

“C’mon, let’s go meet my daughter.” Storm spoke up again, the smile easily recognizable in his voice. I happily complied, sauntering slowly over to where Iron and Summer were removing themselves from their cover.

Yup, a damn good day.

Two days later, and approximately twenty-three miles up the coast from Manehatten.

Banjo was not a very good Diamond dog. He was smaller than all the other members of his pack and had so far not managed to even take a single pony slave. He would show them all though, his new invention would show them just how good a Diamond dog he really was. He had taken one of the nets commonly used to restrain prisoners out to the sea, which most dogs tended to avoid, and was determined to prove the usefulness of his invention. Fishing, he called it. It would revolutionize Diamond dog hunting tactics, allowing them just to sit peacefully and catch fish rather than having to hunt animals and raid nasty magic-throwing ponies.

Full of hope, he cast his net out into the water, making sure to hold onto the ropes attached to it. He’d already lost a couple of nets that way and he wasn’t about to repeat his mistake for a third time. So far, his experimentation had been met with absolutely no success so he was elated when he felt his net snag on something.

“This is Banjo’s chance!” He shouted, beginning to pull the line in. Whatever it was, it was damn heavy.

He hauled harder and harder on the rope, eventually dragging a soggy bundle of rope and flesh onto land. Hopping swiftly over to it, he cleared away the roped to reveal a dark red stallion pony with a mane that, despite the fact he’d just taken an extended dip in the ocean, still looked greasy. Groggily, the stallion opened one eye and looked up at his saviour.

“You’re gonna make a good slave.” Banjo said with a happy grin that caused the stallion’s eyes to widen.

For Banjo, he felt that his form of fishing had been more successful than he could have ever believed. He never thought that he would be able to catch ponies this way.

For Thick Skull, it was an entirely new perspective on the slavery operation, a side that he had hoped never to participate in. A side he definitely was not going to enjoy.

Author's Note

I apologize to any American "football" players who may be reading...
But seriously, it's rugby and the Welsh are much scarier to play against. They are very serious about their rugby over there.

Also, there is a small self-insert in this chapter...bonus points to anyone who can spot it.

Barrel-of-fun

Intermission: A Hearth Warmed Heart

Ugh, Christmas.

I never got the point of this holiday really. The main reason for it nowadays seemed to be for companies to make lots of money. That, I felt, was not altogether in the spirit of the holiday so I often found myself relieving the CEOs of these companies of their “Christmas bonuses.” After a night of technically illegal civic duty I would retire to a bar to get so drunk, that I would wake up sometime in mid-January.

Hearth’s Warming, however, presented some problems to my festive routine. For one thing, the Industrial Revolution had yet to hit Equestria in full force so a lot of the toys and presents were made by small-time toymakers, often jolly old ponies with cheery smiles. There is a rather large difference between stealing from a small business and stealing from a faceless mega-corporation, mainly in how guilty I felt afterwards. So, I had decided to skip the illegal part of the evening and get right on with getting into the festive spirit by getting some spirits into me.

See what I did there?

So there I was, striding along through the snow of the town that we’d found ourselves in when Hearth’s Warming had come around. Summer and Iron had gone off to celebrate the holiday, presumably in some cuddly manner that was typical of Equestria, and had invited me along as well. I had declined as politely as possible, hoping they wouldn’t be too disappointed with me. I’m not very good with all this happy holiday family bullshit, too many bad memories perhaps.

Another thing Equestria seems to do better than back home, other than the lack of mega-corporations, is that they actually get proper snow around here. I don’t think I’d seen anything more than a dark mush for the last couple of years before my sudden immigration to Equestria. Typical British weather, half-hearted as usual. Still, I should get indoors soon, no one should be out in this weather, they’d freeze to death.

As I passed an alleyway a faint, familiar sound reached my ears. A soft tinkling followed by a dull clunk. Someone was tampering with a lock down there. I peered down the dark alleyway, noting how large the snowdrifts were in it, before looking at my target, a cheery, warm-looking tavern across the street. The promise of warmth called to me, and seemed to be about to win out, before the sound reached my ears once more. Cursing my damnable curiosity, for what felt like the hundredth time that year, I set off into the alleyway to stop the thief.

The culprit wasn’t exactly hard to find, though their identity surprised me a bit. Rather than some sleazy Grinch-like stallion, intent on stealing presents and robbing children of their happiness, I found instead a small, light green earth pony filly, shivering uncontrollably as she attempted to break the lock on a door. Her coat was overgrown and her mane, a yellow that must have once been bright but had clearly lost its lustre, was rough and uncut. It wasn’t working out too well for her though, mainly as her technique for lock-picking involved biting the lock until it crumpled before her superior herbivorous teeth. Despite this failure, she kept trying, determined to get past her security-enabling foe.

Creeping up behind her on silent hooves, I cleared my throat before speaking, “Kid...what are you doing?”

She whirled around in surprise, seemingly ready to fight me. The moment she saw me, however, she lost all the aggression in her stance and backed up, bumping into the door she had just been trying to break into.

“Are...are you an Eater?” She demanded, some fire of determination re-entering her eyes.

I chuckled, “Am I an eater? If I had a bit for every time a girl had asked me that in the bedroom,” I looked up in thought, “I’d have five bits I guess.”

She tilted her head at this. “What?”

“Erm...” Shit, I’d forgotten the age of who I’m talking to. “Adult stuff, forget about it. So what are you doing out here?”

“Nothing!” She answered far too quickly. “Are you sure you’re not a Pony Eater?”

“What exactly is a Pony Eater?” I asked, hoping to get her to talk to me and trust me a bit more.

Her mouth dropped in shock,“You don’t know?! Everypony knows what a Pony Eater is! It’s a spirit that eats naughty ponies at Hearth’s Warming to stop the Windigos from coming!”

“...How does that work exactly?”

“If there’s no naughty ponies around, then the Windigos won’t have any hatred to feed on.” She declared, with the smug triumph that only children can manage to pull off and still seem cute.

“Okay...makes sense I guess. I’m not one of them though. I’m just your run-of-the-mill professional thief, who was innocently strolling along and noticed a filly putting his entire profession to shame. So, why are you out here? Why aren’t you at home?”

The moment I said the word “home” her face fell, her eyes turning from determination to devastation. She rallied quickly, forcing her drooping face into a defiant frown but, whilst this may have fooled your average naive pony, I was one far better acquainted with sadness to miss it. It’s just odd noticing it on someone elses face rather than my own in a mirror. I quickly shook those thoughts from my head

“I don’t need a home!” She announced defiantly to both me and the world. “Those other foals are stupid, trapped inside their cages. Me? I’m free! Free to do whatever I want! Free to eat whatever I want and go wherever I want! Free to-”

“Freeze to death?” I interrupted. “Free to starve? Free to be forced to break into other’s houses and steal just to get the smallest bit of food?”

“How...how did you...” She stammered.

“How did I know? Personal experience mostly, but then I don’t need to be a detective to figure out why a trembling filly might be breaking into a house, especially considering your ribs are showing.” She looked down at herself, as if just noticing how skinny she had become. “How long since your last good meal?”

“I had an apple two days ago!” She stated, rearing up and stamping her front hooves down in annoyance. I noticed how she winced after she did this and glanced down at her hooves. Some sort of injury perhaps?

“That’s nowhere near enough. What’s your name kid?”

The filly hesitated, “Delicate Blossom,” She mumbled, looking down ashamed.

I raised my eyebrow in confusion, “That’s...a very nice name?”

“I hate it.” She spat. “I’m not delicate. I can look after myself just fine.”

“Why go by it then?” I said, causing her to look up at me confused. “A name is just a label, given to you by someone else. I see no reason to answer to a label you don’t like. Take me for instance, my name is Ace but it’s in no way my birth name. I gave it to myself, since whoever stuck the first one to me did such a terrible job of it.”

“What was your real name?” She asked, with the infuriating curiosity of a child.

I can’t really be annoyed at her curiosity, it’s the same trait that drives me most of the time.

“I’m not really sure, I forgot it after a while. I’ve used a lot of different names in my time, for various reasons.”

“Like what?” She asked, keeping up her theme of curiosity.

I waved my hand as if brushing her question out of the air. “There’s way too many to name right now, and we have somewhere to be I think,” I announced.

“What are you doing?” She demanded to know, her stance turning aggressive again.

“Well,” I began as casually as possible. “I was going to go and get myself some hot soup. Perfect thing to drive away this cold from the bones. How ‘bout you? You going to stay here and try to bite that lock off? I bet there’s plenty of soup to go around you know.”

I began to walk away, hoping that my words would overcome her stubbornness. I had barely reached the end of the alleyway before the sound of pattering hooves reached me, followed by a small, light green shape appeared in my peripheral vision.

“Just so you know, it’s not like I need soup. I was this close to getting past that lock.” She declared, balancing on her hind legs to gesture a small distance to me with her forelegs.

I chose not to say anything, simply smiling and carrying on, heading towards the tavern and its promise of food, the small filly stumbling along beside me.

We left the inn a while later, our bellies full and my coin purse slightly lighter. Got to say, that filly can really eat! She slurped her way through three bowls of soup before she even thought of slowing down, chunks of bread disappearing into her gullet as quickly as the barkeep could bring them to us. The soup had definitely done its job though, Delicate Blossom was no longer shivering and was now walking along beside me with a smile on her face.

“Thanks a lot for that mister.” She spoke up, surprising me. I hadn’t exactly expected a thank you from this tomboy filly.

“No problem, what sort of Wild Card would I be if I didn’t bring a little luck to those in need, and I would say you needed a bit.” I said, looking down at her.

“Wild Card?” She asked, eyes full of inquisitiveness.

“A fancy little title bestowed on me by my goddess, Lady Luck. Essentially, it means my job is to find those who have been victims of misfortune and give them a helping hand. It’s certainly led to an interesting life for me so far; saving ponies, fighting pirates, generally being a hero.” I put my hands behind my head as my chest swelled with pride. “Yup, I’m pretty awesome alright.”

“...Aren’t you a little weak to be a hero?” Delicate asked, her voice dripping with false innocence. My ego burst at the filly’s needling and I dropped my arms to my side again.

“Well, I’ll admit I’ve had a lot of help from my friends.”

“Pfft, what sort of hero needs friends? Heroes are big and tough, capable of taking down armies by themselves. They’re mysterious and work alone.” She said, her voice drifting off a bit.

“You know a lot about heroes eh?”

“Yeah! I’m going to be one when I grow up! Saving villages and rescuing foals, that’s what I’m going to be all about.” She exclaimed, eagerness shining in her eyes.

“Can I give to a piece of advice then, as one who has dabbled in the hero business a bit?” I asked, eliciting a nod from the filly. “Friends and allies are the most important part of being a hero. No hero can take on the world alone, but with a good friend by your side? Then all those monsters will seem like nothing before you. I can’t even count the amount of times my friends have pulled my tail from the fire, or the amount of times I’ve returned the favour.”

“But what about freedom? And independence?” She cried out.

“What about them? Friends aren’t chains that drag you down, nor do they sap away at your personality. Friends, true friends, strengthen and support each other, covering for each others weaknesses and lending their strengths.”

She opened her mouth, about to protest, once again before shutting it. A contemplative look entered her eyes as she fell silent and we marched on in silence for a while. The snow had continued to fall without pause whilst we had been eating, causing large snow drifts to appear all over the road. Whilst this was no problem to someone my size, I noticed my new friend was having a bit of trouble, her short legs having to force their way through snow that I could just walk over.

Knowing how determined this filly could get, I was content just to watch her for a bit, noting how that fiery resolution not to fail never left her eyes. It was seriously impressive that a child as young as she could have so much resolve, much more than most adults could muster in their entire lives. Eventually, I reached down and swept her up off of her hooves, ignoring her flailing protests at this undignified treatment. Tucking her into my chest and closing my coat around her, I bowed my head against the snow and carried on the trek.

At first she squirmed around something awful, attempting to escape the warm embrace of my coat and arms. Eventually though she was lulled into sleep by the combination of the warm soup in her stomach and the warmth surrounding her. Quiet, adorable snores emanated from within my coat as I trudged on, driving me onwards as I turned down towards my new destination. I looked down to assure that she was actually asleep before picking up my pace a bit. Hopefully I would be able to get there before the snow started coming down any harder.

Thankfully, it didn’t take me long to locate my objective. A large, two story building near the center of town, it was only a short walk away from the town hall, which must be convenient for the owners. I walked over the the nearest window and, after a moment of examining its simple lock, which was easily defeated by my nimble fingers, I made my way inside.

The interior was dark of course, everypony was probably upstairs asleep. I made my way across the room full of comfortable furniture, making sure that my cargo remained asleep and undisturbed. I was just about to pass a festive-looking tree, complete with presents underneath, when I felt one of my hooves collide with an object. Looking down, I saw it was a small child’s toy of a pony, it’s forehead inset with a glowing gem.

Oh no. No no no no. Please don’t be enchanted. Please, just this once.

Despite my pleas, the universe seemed to have other ideas as the toy, which I now recognized as a small plush version of Princess Celestia, suddenly burst into loud and annoyingly cheerful song.

“My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Ah Ah Ah Ah... My Little Pony
I used to wonder what friendship could be
My Little Pony
Until you all shared its magic with me.”

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. This is the worst way to be caught ever!

There was the sound of movement from upstairs, followed by the creaking of one of a door opening. I snatched the Celestia doll of the ground and began to look for some way to shut of its infernal singing, eventually ending up throttling it in desperation as it continued to sing merrily at me, oblivious to my attempts on its fluff-filled life. I was amazed that the filly hadn’t woke up by now, she must have really needed this nap as all the musical alarm managed to elicit from her was some slight stirring as she shifted around beneath my coat. Ignoring it, I continued to try and strangle Princess Celestia, or at least a doll version of her.

“Erm...can I help you?” A tired sounding voice said from behind me.

I whirled round to find a dark yellow stallion standing there, his tired eyes locked onto me and looking none too friendly. I looked at him, then down at the doll around whose neck I still had a death grip before awkwardly dropping the toy, which carried on its annoying dong. Credit to the makers of that toy, it is one persistent little bastard.

“Who are you and what do you think you are doing here?” The stallion demanded, now fully awake. “Are you a thief? What sort of horrible monster would break into an orphanage, on Hearth’s Warming of all times?! Well! Answer me!”

His volume and tone would have scared me slightly, if it were not for the fact that he was completely undercut by the singing Princess Celestia doll, which kind of ruined the atmosphere slightly with its ridiculous song.

“It's an easy feat!
And magic makes it all complete
You have My Little Pony.
Do you know you're all my very best friends?”

“Calm down will you? I’m not a thief...well, I am a thief but I’m not here to rob you, quite the opposite actually.” I began to open my coat, drawing my burden from inside. The stallion’s eyes widened at the sight of the filly and he rushed over, his caretaker instincts overcoming any hesitance he may have had about approaching me.

“Oh my Celestia!” He cried as he began to check the filly over for injuries. I hovered nearby awkwardly, not really sure what to do now. “I’ll be right back. Watch her.” He commanded me and I found I didn’t have the willpower to disobey the paternal stallion’s command.

He returned quickly, a small red medical bag clutched in his teeth and a rather chubby mare following him. Though she initially came in with bleary eyes, the moment she noticed the filly, her entire body jolted as though she had just been attacked by Summer and she shot across the room with a speed that belied her size.

“Clear signs of malnourishment.” She called out, eliciting a nod from the stallion who was presumably her husband, who was currently unpacking his medical supplies. “Several bruises under her coat, lack of dental care, lack of general body care.” She gasped suddenly as she got a good look at the filly’s hooves. “Oh my...it looks like she’s never had horseshoes.”

“That’s a problem?” I asked, genuinely confused.

“Yes, just take a look for yourself.” She angled the foal’s leg my way, allowing me to see the bottom of her hoof. It was disgusting to be honest. The natural hoof was worn down to the point of being almost entirely non-existent, with a large crack straight through what little remained of it. The crack was surrounded by what appeared to be dried blood, which caused my heart to ache for the child.

“Can you help her?” I asked, my voice cracking slightly as the emotions tried to escape from my throat.

“We can’t, but time can. It will take a while but she’ll recover, though she’ll have to stay off her hooves of course.”

“Good luck making her do that.” I snorted. “She’s quite the stubborn little one.”

“I’ll sedate her if necessary.” The mare growled, her eyes filled with the determination to protect this filly, even from herself. I wasn’t about to push the issue against someone with that look in their eyes, my survival instincts wouldn’t let me. Instead, I found a way to change the topic of conversation.

“Hey, it’s Hearth’s Warming tomorrow isn’t it?” I asked, getting a simple nod in response.”Every foal gets a present right?” Another nod. “Alrighty then, I’ll be right back.” I got up and headed towards the window that I had originally broken in from.

“You don’t need to do that you know.” The stallion spoke up as I walked away. “You’ve already probably saved her life.”

“Child’s got to have a present. It’s a rule.” I said simply.

A rule that was broken constantly in my childhood.

I quickly climbed out of the window, closing it behind me so as not to allow the snow into the cosy orphanage. Even as I left, I heard one more voice reach out to me, the mare’s this time.

“Why didn’t he just use the door?”

Some questions just have no answer, they are complicated and cannot be fathomed by mere mortals. Also, doors suck.

Several times so far this night I had found myself standing outside of warm buildings, freezing my ass off in the snow. This clearly indicates that something is very wrong with my life. Desperate, I hammered on the door once more.

“What?! What d’ya want?!” A burly brown stallion shouted at me as he threw the door open.

“Erm...horseshoes?” I said. “For a foal.”

At the mention of a foal, the stallion’s harsh eyes softened and he stepped back, allowing me into his shop. The walls were covered in a variety of tools, all around a large round forge pit.

“So what exactly are you looking for?”

“Well, she’s sort of a special case.” I quickly explained Delicate Blossom’s condition, the stallion’s eyes widening as I described her cracked hooves. “So I’d like to get her something nice, for when she recovers and can use them. So...I’d like to buy the nicest, strongest pair of shoes you have.”

“Ya realise those will be mithril don’tcha? He replied, his tone questioning.

“I have no idea what that is, how much will they be?”

“For four foal-sized horseshoes? 500 bits.”

Damn, that’s pretty much the rest of my money. Guess I won’t be getting mind-shatteringly drunk tonight at all.

“That’s fine.” I replied. “Make it so.”

The stallion shrugged and began to work, moving round his workshop and collecting the tools and materials he would need. I sat down in one corner and pulled out my pipe, content to watch him work by the warming light of the forge.

I arrived back at the orphanage just as the snowstorm began to pick up, a badly wrapped bundle of shiny paper clutched to my chest. I think I’d done quite a good job of wrapping her present, considering I’d never had any practice at it before.

I made sure to knock this time, gratefully stepping inside when the caretaker stallion opened the door for me. He watched as I placed the filly’s present underneath the tree with the others before turning back to him.

“You’re going to be able to look after her alright aren’t you?”

“Yeah, we get a government stipend to help us care for the children. There’s usually plenty enough to make sure they get all the comforts they need.”

Huh, orphanages in Equestria are much nicer than those on Earth. I’d say it’s a utopia, except the fact that they have orphanages at all kind of contradicts that statement.

“I’ll be passing some money along once I get my next job, make sure she gets it when she needs it will you?” I said, getting a firm nod from the stallion in response. “Alright then, where is she now?”

“My wife’s put her to sleep in the dorm room, we’ll get her fully settled in when she’s awake and recovered.”

“May I see her before I go?”

The stallion looked hesitant for a moment before he glanced over to the present I had got her, lying there under the tree in its colourful wrappings. His eyes softened and he relented, allowing me upstairs to see the filly who hated her name.

I entered the dorm room as quietly as possible, which was quite easy considering my normal vocation required stealth a lot of the time. I walked over to where the filly was tucked in, the caretaker mare had just put a candle next to her and, with a grateful glance over to me, left us alone. I sat at the edge of the bed, looking down at the sleeping filly and wondering what to do.

“You’re going to grow up to be the world’s best hero someday.” I managed eventually. “But for now, you focus on being a foal. Be precocious and curious, make friends and love others. Be the best you can possibly be. One day the world will need you to be the big brave mare who saves everyone, but for now there’s idiots like me who can keep it afloat. I don’t think I’ll be coming back here. I never was very good at going back, always too busy running away. Maybe someday though, once you’ve donned your shiny shoes and gone out into the world, we’ll meet up again and I’ll buy you some more soup.” My eyes were wet as I leaned down and planted a kiss on her head. “Have a wonderful life kid. Live, love and grow, and don’t let anything stop you.”

She snuggled down further into her blankets as I stood up and picked up the candle. I looked down at her, this small bundle of stubbornness and determination who, I felt deep inside my bones, would live. She would live, and grow, and go out into the world to find me, if for no other reason than to hold me to my promise of free food.

I left as quietly as I entered, save for the small pattering sound as tears flowed freely from my eyes and onto the wooden floor. I glanced back once as I reached the door, unable to resist the urge to see her one more time, before blowing out the candle and leaving, closing the door quietly behind me.

The caretaker couple were standing there, looking at my teary face with an understanding gaze. I quickly wiped my eyes and thanked them once more for all they had done, also asking them the address that I should send my money to.

“It’s Mr. and Mrs. Heart of the GentleHearts Orphanage. If we may ask, did you get her name before she went to sleep?”

I considered telling them her name, if for no other reason than they would have something to put on record. The filly’s face appeared in my mind, twisting in disgust as she spat out her own name.

“I’m afraid not.” I lied. “I’m sure she’ll be able to tell you when she wakes up though.”

The couple appeared to accept this and, with one final farewell, I set off into the night. The chill cut into my bones but was completely unable to take away the warmth that I felt in my heart.

Several months later.

A small filly sat in the lounge of GentleHearts Orphanage, looking critically down at the drawing in front of her. She felt that, whilst the picture itself was perfectly fine, worthy of being in the Ponet collection even, it lacked the proper essence of the subject. Reaching over with one shining hoof, she picked up her paint brush and dipped it in the red paint before drawing a small smirk on the face of her creation.

Looking up, she noticed somepony new was standing nearby, a red unicorn filly, nervously looking at her whilst scraping one hoof on the ground. As she looked up, the new filly realised that she had been noticed and, evidently mustering her courage, decided to make the leap.

“Erm...can I...can I paint with you?” She asked, looking away immediately afterwards.

“Of course! What’s your name?” Was the response she received.

“Quick Sparks, I’m a fire specialist.” She mumbled quietly, so that the filly had to strain to hear her.

“So you’re like a wizard or something?” The earth pony asked, honestly curious about her new companions magic.

“I suppose so.” Sparks said, sounding more confident now that they were talking about a subject that was dear to her. “I’ve even got this wonderful spell, it’s called Fireball. It’s really useful and cool.”

“That’s awesome! You should be, like, a travelling mage, vanquishing monsters and battling demons.”

“Oh, I don’t think I’m brave enough for all that. I don’t want to get hurt.” Spark said, looking down at the floor.

“Ah, don’t worry about that. I’ll protect you from those nasty demons. See these hooves?” She proudly displayed her front hooves to Sparks, whose eyes widened at the sight of the mithril horseshoes. “These hooves are going to save all of Equestria - no, the entire world - someday. So what’d you say?” The confident filly asked suddenly.

“I’m sorry?” Sparks replied meekly.

“What’d you say? Want to come with me on my adventures? Our adventures, sorry.”

Sparks considered it for a moment, looking down at her own hooves before looking back into the bright eyes of her new friend.

“I’d like that. What’s your name?”

“Wild Flower.” The mithril hooved filly responded proudly. “And together, nothing is going to stand in our way.”

The two foals began to laugh at that, before launching into an excited conversation about all the monsters they would slay and the villages they would save. All the while, forgotten between the two of them, a smirking satyr stared up from a piece of paper, the label beneath him scribbled on in inelegant foalish writing read:

‘The bestest monster in the whole wide world.’

Author's Note

Edited by:
Lanafilly
Blazinblade7

Thank you to everyone who wished me well, I'm feeling much better now (which is brilliant because I'd hate to be ill on Christmas Day). Here is the Wild Card Christmas special, as promised. Note that it has nothing to do with the current story arc, which I'll be carrying on from now.

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it and have a very merry Christmas!

Now, I'm off to watch Nightmare Before Christmas, it's a tradition.
Barrel-of-fun

Probable Parables

During my time so far in Equestria I had been enslaved, pitted against a raging minotaur, caused a slave rebellion, nearly been eaten, beaten up, punched a princess, robbed a company, broke into the same princess’ chambers, been beaten up some more and had just recently set fire to a pirate ship. I had been in some pretty adrenaline pumped situations, often barely surviving by the skin of my teeth. Throughout all this, however, my heart had managed not to leap out of my chest in excitement, which surprised me somewhat. However, it was now at the risk of escaping the confines of my ribcage at what I was witnessing.

Summer Storm was hugging her father and they were both crying in joy.

Family reunions, they get me every time. Every freakin’ time.

“Are you crying?” Iron asked.

“No! Just got some...erm...smoke in my eyes. Yeah, that’s it.” I replied nervously, quickly wiping my eyes clean.

“Don’t be ashamed of it Ace. There is no shame in crying at something beautiful.” He said. I looked up at the huge minotaur to see manly tears flowing freely down his face.

Even the most stone-hearted bastard would have to admit that the scene before us was heart warming. The moment Summer had noticed the stallion perched upon my back she had rushed over at a speed the would have put me to shame on my best day. Swift quickly found himself wrapped up in his daughters magical aura, which supported him as he embraced her. Summer returned the embrace with barely contained joy, apologies spewing out of her mouth as tears fell down her muzzle. As quickly as she could apologize, Swift was forgiving her, telling her it wasn’t her fault and that the last thing he wanted for his only daughter was her to be stuck at home guarding some old stallion.

Eventually, Summer managed to pull away from the hug slightly to look her father in the eye, “C’mon dad, let’s get you to a hospital,” she announced.

“No way,” The old stallion responded, “I ain’t letting those quacks and sawbones get anywhere near me. I’ll heal just fine the natural way, maybe with a bit of added alcohol to help Mother Nature along.”

Summer, it seemed, was having none of this. She affixed Swift with a glare that, had he been a lesser stallion, would have shot straight through him and pinned him to a wall. A trained military sniper would let out a single tear at beholding the sheer singular killing power of her glare. It could probably kill a man from miles away.

“Dad,” She began, her tone sending a shiver down my spine, “You will be going to the hospital. You are going to let the doctors help you. You are going to get better. Then you are going to thank the doctors for their hard work. What do you say to that?”

Swift struggled under her gaze, valiantly trying to bolster his mental defences. Alas, it was in vain.

“Aye.” He said, rather reluctantly.

“And you’re not going to look at any of the nurse’s flanks, no matter how cute they are.”

“Well why don’tcha just kill me now then!?” Swift cried out, apparently feeling that his civil rights were being infringed upon now.

“Dad, what would Mother say?” Summer replied, giving him a patient and condescending look.

“That I should only have eyes for her flank.” The admonished stallion admitted, looking down like a guilty schoolchild.

Are all families like this? Families are weird.

“That’s right. Now then, let’s get you to a hospital. Iron, would you be able to help out over here?” Summer called, prompting the minotaur into movement.

As soon as Iron reached Swift, who was still supported by Summer’s magical field, he knelt down and spoke politely to his charge, “Sir, if you don’t mind?” he said, indicating with his arms.

Swift looked the huge minotaur up and down, his eyes assessing and judging every inch of Iron, seeming to stare into his very soul. “Alright,” he finally relented, “But, and I know this might be asking a bit much of a big meathead like yourself, try not to drop me.”

Iron winced at the insult before gently lifting the old stallion into the air, doing his best not to jostle his burden at all. If I didn’t know any better I’d say Iron was trying to impress Summer’s dad, which is ridiculous really. Why would Iron Will need to impress anyone? He’s a huge badass minotaur warrior, people are impressed just by his sheer presence.

With Swift secure in Iron’s arms, and still slightly supported by Summer to ensure a smooth ride, we set off towards what Summer assured us was the nearest hospital. It was a relatively peaceful journey, save for Swift Storm’s constant commentary on the moral decline of youths nowadays. I couldn’t help but agree with him on that point. I mean, look at me, I’m fairly young and I have next to no morals.

“So my dear, that’s enough about me. How’ve you been?” Swift suddenly addressing Summer.

The mare seemed to be more than a bit shocked by this sudden questioning, judging solely from her response of “Erm...well...you see...”

“She was captured by Diamond dogs.” I interrupted, earning a shocked glare from Summer for seemingly betraying her. “Yeah, cowardly dogs ambushed her whilst on patrol apparently. That’s where we all met up. The moment Summer was thrown in the cage with us she began to rally the other slaves. Made this big inspirational speech - you should have been there, it was brilliant - which turned a bunch of broken spirited old slaves into a raging force of glorious revolution. Those dogs aren't so tough against a bit of good old-fashioned righteous fury.” Summer’s eyes began to widen as I carried on bending the truth, the size of her pupils matching the growing grin on Swift’s face. “Anyways, after she single-hoofedly beat the Diamond dog alpha Redtooth and saved us all from the mines, Iron and I decided to accompany her. You know, blood-debt and all that.”

“That’s me girl!” Swift shouted happily once I’d finished. “It takes more than a couple of hundred Diamond dogs to keep a Storm out of the action.” Okay, now he was just adding his own embellishments, I never mentioned hundreds of Diamond dogs. Still, I guess a liar’s job is even easier when the target keeps lying to themselves.

“Yes...yes I guess it does.” Summer said, rubbing her neck nervously with a forehoof.

Aw, is the little mare not used to lying? Stick around, I’ve got a lot to show you.

Swift began to demand details of the events that had transpired, details I was more than willing to give. Some of them I merely embellished upon, others I outright made up on the spot. It didn’t really matter though, the truth tends to be quite malleable, especially in the minds of those that wanted to believe it. If Swift wanted to believe that his beloved daughter shocked, bucked and threatened her way through entire legions of evil Diamond dogs then more power to him really.

“...And then she, in an act of bravery that I shall never forget and still inspires me to this day, charged the insane, mutated Redtooth and stabbed him right in the gut with her horn. She then shot enough magic into him to make Princess Celestia herself say “Damn girl, overkill much?” before lobbing some lit dynamite into his chest cavity and blasting him back to Tartarus. And that is how Summer defeated Redtooth and permanently banished his demon allies from this world.”

“You're quite the storyteller boy.” Swift said, still smiling over the visions of his heroic daughter that I had pumped into his head.

“Ah, I simply tell the tale. It is ponies like your daughter who truly go out and make them. I am but the bard, she is the real hero.”

“Aye and damn proud of her I am as well!” Swift shouted, switching back to his loud and boisterous voice, causing summer to blush either at his compliment or in embarrassment at the stares he was attracting from other ponies.
Iron, strangely enough, hadn’t said a single thing during this entire adventure, as though he was scared to bring Swift’s judgement down upon him. Another ridiculous idea, as though Iron could be afraid of anything.

Regardless of Iron’s reservedness, we reached the hospital in good time. To be honest though, I’m not sure why we were in such a hurry, Swift had been surviving perfectly well with broken limbs for quite a while now. Hell, it didn’t even seem to be effecting his good cheer at all. Of course, it would take a man much braver than myself to point this out to Summer.

Finding care for Swift was surprisingly easy, we didn’t even have to fill out a ton of forms just to get past their reception. This may have been because of the extent of his injuries, or it may have had something to do with the glare that Summer had fixed the nearest doctor with upon entering the hospital. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Summer can have one hell of a glare when she needs it.

It wasn’t long before we found ourselves standing around in an eerily white room, watching as a nurse busied herself hooking him up to a variety of machines the purpose of which I could only guess. They could cause time travel for all I know.

Swift shuffled around in his bed, getting comfortable under the covers before addressing us, “That was quite the tale you told on the way over, it’s only fair that I return the favour. This is a tale from my younger years, before I was charmed by your mother Summer.” The two shared a chuckle at what was clearly an in-joke, whilst Iron and I just shared a glance. “This be the tale of Ol’ Rustjaw, the monster serpent of the deeps.”

“Oh dad, not this old tale again.”

“Quiet deary, these fine young lads haven’t heard it yet. Wait, before I start, in all the excitement I don’t believe I got your names. Well, what’re ya called?”

Since Iron seemed to be so hesitant in talking at the moment I decided to go first, “I’m Ace, professional magician, and this is Iron Will, an ex-monster hunter and ex-personal trainer.”

“Iron Will, Iron Will...I’m sure I’ve heard that name before.” Swift mulled it over for a moment, humming in thought, “I know! You’re the monster hunter that took down that kraken out near Baltimare aren’t you?”

“Erm...aye, I guess.” Iron said nervously. “It was just a giant squid really, not much hassle.”

“Nonsense! My buddy High Tide told me that you pretty much saved the entire shipping lane. Hundreds of ships can now sail free thanks to you, we sailors remember those who have helped us you know. Now you’ve helped to save me as well from those damned pirates, you’re alright in my books boy.”

Iron grinned at this and some of his confidence seemed to return to him. His posture went from slouched to standing straight up, his horns almost scraping against the ceiling.

“Now then, pull up a chair, ‘cus I’ve got quite the tale to tell.” Swift said and we obliged, grabbing some seats from over in the corner and positioning them around his bed. “Like I said, it was way back when I was a much younger, and much more foolhardy, stallion. I had just saved up enough to get my own boat, a tiny little thing, and was eager to prove myself to the world...”

The young pegasus eagerly tugged at the knot that held his boat prison on the pier, desperate to get out into the sea, to experience the joy of sailing his own boat for the first time. The knot, however, didn’t seem to share his enthusiasm and stubbornly refused to come undone. Shrugging, the youngster grabbed a knife in his mouth and began to say away at the line, refusing to let anything impede his sailing.

“Oy kid!” A voice suddenly called out to him. “You realise that you’re wasting perfectly good rope doing that.”

Ceasing his sawing at the rope, he looked around to identify the voice. Up on the bear, a grizzled old earth pony looked back at him. The younger pony stared at the older for a second before shrugging and going back to sawing at the rope.

“What’s your name kid?”

Letting out a sigh, the young stallion dropped his knife to address his persistent conversationalist, “It’s Swift Storm. Why do you want to know?”

“Ah, I was just wondering the name of the brave young fool who goes around ignoring good advice. So, what’ll you be doing today young master Storm, that requires such intense dedication to wastefulness?”

“It’s my first day sailing my own boat,” Swift replied, consigned to having to answer this needling old coot’s questions, “though I don’t really see what business it is of yours.”

“Oh aye, not really any of my business. But then, when you get to my age, you’ve earned the right to be a nosy old blighter every so often. May I ask what route you plan to valiantly traverse on your ship’s maiden voyage?”

Swift took a look at his vessel. With it’s single sail, tiny cargo area and complete lack of intricate sailing mechanisms, it seemed to be a rather lackluster craft, but it was his, his own boat, and nopony could take that away from him. It may not be big enough to be called a ship, but as a boat it was all he needed in the world.

“I’m taking her out and running the Riftwater Race route. I’m going to beat the course time and then, when the actual race comes around, I’m going to win it.”

The older stallion chuckled at this, “Well you certainly don’t lack for confidence I’ll give you that.” He began before his tone, which had been fairly light and mocking so far, suddenly turned serious. “I wouldn’t recommend the Riftwater route though, there is a good reason that they only run that race at certain times of the year you know.”

“And why exactly would that be?” Swift shot back, letting his tone getting a bit snarky with the annoying stallion.

“Well, because of Rustjaw of course. He likes to migrate to the Riftwater route this time of year, something to do with how warm the water is.” The stallion suddenly paused and peered down closely at the pony in the boat. “You do know what Rustjaw is don’tcha? You might be a bit young now that I think about it.”

“Nonsense! Of course I know what Rustjaw is! I’m older than I look you know.”

The stallion appeared to mull over this response, his sharp gaze piercing right through Swift Stom. “Now don’t lie to me boy, how old are you really?”

“Fifteen.” Swift muttered.

“Ah, far too young to be sailing all on your lonesome. Where’d you get that boat anyways?”

“I bought it myself!” Swift spat back. “I’ve been working on ships since I was ten. Saved up all the money I earned as well. I’ve worked hard for this and I don’t need you, or any other old fool, accusing me of theft or trying to stop me with their mad warnings of monsters and demons!”

“Alright, alright, calm yourself there kid, I ain’t going to stop you. I’m just saying, Rustjaw ain’t one you want to go tangling with, especially not on your first voyage. His breath is magical, and can be used to turn anything to metal. If he gets near your boat then all it takes is a small exhale and you’re done for. Your boat sinks and Rustjaw has himself a snack. He eats rusty metal you see, can’t get enough of the stuff. Not only that, but he’s got some freaky fish senses or something. He can hear boats moving around in the water, and the hoofsteps of the sailors upon their decks.” The elderly stallion paused for a moment to let his warning sink in. “Aye, Rustjaw’s been a bane on ships around her for decades now, and I’d prefer it if a hot-headed young colt like yourself didn’t end up as his dinner. After all, Rustjaw’s breath doesn’t just turn ships to metal, he’s been known to chow down on rusty pony statues as well.”

Swift felt like snorting in derision at the old coot’s mad tale. A monster that can turn things into metal and eats rust? That’s completely ridiculous. He refrained from voicing his contempt though, just in case the clearly deranged stallion tried to draw him into another conversation.

“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.” Swift said, trying his hardest to remain polite.

“See that you do.” Was all the stallion replied with before trundling off to go about his business.

After the old pony had departed, Swift looked down at the knife at his hooves before knocking it aside and going back to undoing the knot with his teeth. If there was one good piece of advice that the old pony had given it was that it wasn’t good to be wasteful, especially considering Swift’s current financial problems. The boat had cost him damn near everything he had, to the point that he was currently surviving on old bread and hope. Winning the race would change all that though, although he would have to practice if he wanted even the slimmest chance of winning.

Swift quickly got the knot undone and finished the rest of his checks, making sure that the boat was in tip-top condition before setting off into the open sea. As he left the bay area, gleefully overtaking the ponderously slow cargo ships that clogged the area, he blessed his luck. The sea was nice and calm, the sun was shining and the wind was on his side, filling the sails and pushing the little craft merrily onwards.

Other ships faded out of sight as Swift’s little craft sped onwards, following the course for the Riftwater Race. Pretty soon he found himself alone on the wide expanse of the sea, even the coastline disappearing as Swift guided his craft even further out to sea. The young pegasus couldn’t be more pleased with his progress; first time out and he was already beating the best time for the race by a wide margin. At this rate he would be able to set a new record by the time the race came around.

Gleefully, Swift began to dance around on the deck of his small craft, celebrating his certain victory in the coming race. His hooves clattered around the deck as his thoughts turned to images of riches and fame.

We all stared at the hospitalized Swift Storm in disbelief, even Summer who apparently couldn’t even imagine her father dancing. I had to admit, I was having trouble picturing it myself. Storm merely chuckled at our expressions.

“Don’t let these broken legs fool you,” He said with a smile, “I was quite the dancer back in my day. How do you think I managed to woo a beauty like Summer’s mother? Anyways, where was I?”

As Swift continued to dance with glee upon the deck of his boat, he began towhistle out a tune, an old sea shanty that he had grown up hearing everywhere. His hooves subconsciously began to beat on the deck to follow the tune.

His pre-emptive celebrations were cut short as the boat rocked suddenly, almost spilling Swift into the sea. Luckily, the pegasus managed to use his wings to balance himself before he was plunged overboard. He quickly checked on other parts of the ship, searching for anything that could have caused the sudden rocking. The wind was still gentle, no storms had appeared to buffet him with gales, everything on the ship seemed to be in perfect condition and the sea...

The sea was rippling.

To be specific, the sea was rippling outwards in perfect circles from his boat, as though his boat was somehow vibrating the water. Well, either his boat or something under his boat. Swift slowly approached the railing and leaned over to stare into the brilliant blue water, which did naught but reflect his own face back at him. Just as he was about to dismiss the rocking as some random event and carry on with his journey, it happened.

One minute, Swift and his boat were peacefully sailing across the ocean, the boat very much bound in the water. The next, Swift found himself clinging desperately to his boat’s mast as it was rocketed into the air. The ambitious sailor began to pray to every god he could name, certain that at any moment his boat would plummet from the great height to clam into the merciless sea and be destroyed, and him with it.

The moment never came. Swift looked around at the clouds that now surrounded him, wondering what in Tartarus just happened. Slowly, he crept over to the railing and looked down, almost flinging himself back the moment he did so.

The beautiful, calm sea that he had looked into not moments ago had been replaced by a gigantic, scaley head, each scale shining with a dull blue hue. If beholding the skin of the giant sea creature nearly knocked Swift back, the smell that came off it nearly knocked him out. Somehow, his curiosity overcame his disgust and he slowly reached out with one hoof, running it along the nearest of the gigantic scales.

The moment his hoof came into contact with the scale, a shuddering went through him as his entire boat was shaken. Swift fell back into his precious boat, once again wrapping his hooves around the trusty mast as his craft was violently thrown through the air. Amazingly, the boat, rather than slamming into the water and capsizing, skimmed along the water with a few merry skips before coming to a gentle stop, spinning around a few times before ending up facing away from the beast that had tossed it.

A very dizzy Swift Storm released the mast, collapsing to the floor and trying to keep his lunch from escaping. Shakily, he stood up and turned to face the monster that was peering curiously at his boat. It appeared to be a huge serpent, the dull blue scales covering its entire body, save it’s underside which looked grey and fleshy. Around its neck there appeared to be a mane, the sort that most commonly sported by lions rather than ponies, except instead of hairs, the mane appeared to be made completely out of feelers that wiggled around in the air.

Swift got a disturbing good view of these as the monster, presumably the famous Rustjaw, leaned in to inspect the morsel that would serve as his dinner. For a moment, stallion and monster stared directly at each other, both curious about the other. It was Rustjaw who broke the standoff first when he opened his colossal jaws and began to inhale, the force of his inhalation dragging the tiny boat towards him.

Swift, breaking out of his daze, remembered what the old stallion on the pier had told him about Rustjaw’s breath weapon. Quicker than he had ever moved before, he galloped over to a nearby rope and grasped it, pulling as hard as he could on it. The sail began to move, pulling the ship with it as the artificial wind from Rustjaw’s inhalation forced it into movement.

Swift stared grimly at the beast that was to be his doom, horror and fascination welling within him. Tying off the rope, he ran over and slammed his forehooves into the rudder, turning the ship away from running into Rustjaw’s main body. The plucky little ship, driven on both by Rustjaw’s inhalation and Swift’s determination to escape, shot around the body of the huge snake. Rustjaw, seeing his prey escaping, released his breath towards the ship, desperate to catch it within the magical attack. The ship, however, was far too quick and had already escaped the range of the giant serpent.

Looking back, Swift saw the huge creature roar in rage, it’s entire body shaking in the water. The feelers that framed its face seemed particularly animated, each one moving about in a wave of motion.

Turning back to his ship, Swift thanked his lucky stars for his escape and focused on getting back to the safety of dry land.

“...And then, after that, I went and found the old stallion and bought him a drink to apologize for my earlier rudeness, making damn sure to listen to every single piece of advice he gave me.” Swift told us. “Then I went on to win the Riftwater Race and many more like it, till I became the famous stallion you see before you today.”

Summer smiled warmly at her father as he finished recounting the familiar tale, whilst Iron looked suitably awed. Personally, I’m going to take everything Swift just said with a grain of salt. For all I know, it could have just been a parable about the importance of listening to your elders, at which point I think the distinctly old Swift Storm may have a slight bias.

“Anyways, you should be off before the nurses come and kick you out. They really don’t like folks staying past visiting hours.” Swift continued, “Feel free to stay at my house, or whatever’s left of it. Try not to bust up the old place anymore than it already is, I’d prefer to have a house to come back to once I’m done with my internment here.” He finished with a chuckle.

“Alright Daddy, we’ll see you soon.” Summer said stepping forward and throwing her arms around the old stallion. “I love you.”

Swift chuckled, his face going a bit red at this open show of emotion in front of two strangers. Evidently though, he decided that love triumphs social awkwardness and hugged her back.

“I love you too pumpkin.” He whispered to her.

Waving our goodbyes, we shuffled out of the room and left the hospital, heading over to Swift’s house. For some reason the tale he had told us kept running through my mind. I wonder if there are actually giant sea serpents out there, hidden in the depths.

There are so many wondrous and monstrous things in this world, and often they are the same thing. I’ve barely managed to see a fraction of it so far. I took a deep breath, letting the refreshing sea air flow through me.

There is so much more to see, so much more to do. I want to experience as much of this wonderful, insane world as I can, monsters and all.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Lanafilly
Blazinblade7
Garion

Big thanks to my editors here. I only finished this chapter yesterday so the fact that they got to it so quickly is awesome.

Should Have Stayed in Bed

Considering we had his permission, we decided to spend the night at Swift’s house. The lodgings may not have exactly been first class, the broken windows and general lack of care, kind of spoiled what would have otherwise been a nice home, but I’ve slept in worse to be honest. At least there’s a roof above my head here and plenty of blankets, luxuries I’ve not always had access to.

I awoke early in the morning, as is my custom, to find that Iron and Summer were still completely asleep. For a moment I considered trying to wake them so that we may face this brave new day together. Then I considered dragging Summer into Iron’s room and putting them into bed together in a compromising position. Then I considered finding a pen and drawing silly stuff all over their faces. Eventually I decided that all of these required far more energy than I was willing to put in so early in the morning and instead chose to stumble downstairs to raid Swift’s kitchen for food.

After somehow managing to navigate the ridiculously thin staircase, at one point weighing up the option of simply throwing myself out of a second story window and walking back in through the front door, I found myself in what passed for Swift’s kitchen. It was an incredibly sparse little room, pretty much just consisting of a small sink, some cupboards and a table with a few chairs around it.

Through trial and error I managed to figure out how pony taps worked. To activate it you pushed a large lever either left or right, depending on whether you wanted hot or cold water. The main effect of this brilliant discovery on my part was that I could dunk my head in ice cold water to try and wake myself up properly. So it was that I ended up routing around through Swift’s cupboards, soggy, dripping water everywhere but very much awake now.

My hunt came to an end when I found the most holy of treasures; food that hadn’t gone off whilst Swift had been imprisoned. The kitchen was full of rotting fruit and moldy cheese, which was no good really. At one point I thought I had struck gold when I saw something fleshy looking until I realised that it was just a frog that had managed to get in and, seeing as I wasn’t French, meant that I had to make do with what I had found, which was a couple of packets of crackers.

Admittedly, eating crackers without any cheese is an offence that would make Wallace and Gromit hire an assassin to take me out, but at least they were edible if you had plenty of water on hand, which I did thankfully. After filling myself up with crackers, and leaving plenty for both Summer and Iron, I decided to check on the duo. Upon finding they were still comfortably asleep and showing no signs of waking up anytime soon, I decided action must be taken.

So I left.

There’s still plenty of this town I haven’t seen yet and, whilst the docks are interesting and all, I’d quite like to see the market district a bit. So I grabbed my coat, strapped on my knife, and headed out to explore a little bit whilst my companions recovered from yesterday’s exertions.

An early morning fog pervaded the air, cutting down visibility to a mere few feet. The only ponies who would be up at this time of the day were those who had to get to work early to prepare for the coming day. Luckily, this select group included bakers, meaning that if I wanted to find the market place all I had to do was follow my nose. Admittedly my nose has misled me in the past, but on this I feel it can be trusted.

It was to my eternal surprise that I found myself at the docks rather than a bakery. My nose must have taken a wrong turn somewhere I guess. I was just about to turn around and head back into town when I noticed a shape moving through the fog to my right. From what I had seen yesterday, the docks were usually fairly empty. So why would someone be out here so early?

Some part of me refused to let the question hang as a rhetorical and forced me onwards. I quickly turned my coat inside out so that its enchantment was activated and began to follow the figure, making sure that I went unnoticed. Moving quickly, I managed to get close enough to recognize who I was following. It was the guard who had taken me onto the ship yesterday, the one that seemed to be in charge of the crew. If I had to take a guess, I’d say he was Thick Skull’s First Mate, before Thick Skull went for a sudden and unexpected dip in the water that is.

I was following the stallion so closely that I almost tripped over him when he suddenly stopped at the edge of a pier. Thankfully, the combination of my coat’s enchantment and the obscuring early morning fog meant that I remained unnoticed. Still, I chose to hide behind some nearby boxes rather than tempt fate further.

We waited for a couple of minutes, the stallion peering off into the misty sea to try and spot something whilst I in turn watched him. It was not long before a sound reached our ears, a light splashing, the sound of a paddle chopping into the water. A silhouette drifted out of the thick fog, a small boat with two ponies aboard, which, with an efficient professionalism of one of the boat’s occupants, was tied up. The other occupant, the one who had refrained from helping secure the boat, stepped out of the craft, a long cloak billowing around it.

The stallion who I had been following immediately fell into a bow before the new arrival, “I am sorry to have to contact you like this but...” He trailed off.

“Go on.” The hooded figure urged in a raspy voice.

“I...I regret to inform you that Captain Thick Skull has...has been taken out.” He gulped, shrinking back from the figure slightly. “And the...the prisoner, Swift Storm, has been stolen from us.”

The stallion cringed, expecting an angry reply from the figure, but there was merely silence. Eerie, pervading silence. Even the water seemed to be afraid of making too much noise, the splashing of the waves seeming muted.

“Who?” That bone-chilling, abrasive voice spoke out again.

“A unicorn, Summer Storm, and a minotaur called Iron Will. As well as another, a strange creature I’ve never seen before. I...I didn’t get his name, I’m sorry!” The stallion cried out his apology, almost breaking down in tears before the cloaked form.

“You have failed.” The voice beneath the hood stated simply. “Gang Plank will not be pleased.” With a small movement of its head, it gestured to the boat it had arrived on. “Get in, he will want to deal with you personally.”

The stallion, whimpering in fear, obeyed nonetheless. What could cause a being to walk into certain doom like that? Perhaps the knowledge that worse awaits if they try to run? The hooded character leaned down and whispered something to the boat pony, who nodded in response, untied the craft and swiftly began to row out to sea, leaving the intimidating figure behind on the dock.

“Huh, bloody fool.” The voice that emanated from beneath the hood had changed dramatically, going from a deep, rough voice to a soft, almost gentle, feminine tone. If it wasn’t for the language she had used, or the fact that she had just sent a pony to his likely death, I’d say it was Fluttershy beneath that hood, so similar were the voices.

I didn’t have to wonder for long. The figure quickly lowered the hood on its all-concealing cloak to reveal a mild pink mare with a golden mane. The mare may have been considered beautiful once, but the scar that marred the left side of her face ruined all that. This was no attractive warrior’s scar, but a horrid disfigurement that twisted her entire face, forcing one eye to remain permanently shut and causing her mouth to twist into a permanent scowl.

Definitely not Fluttershy then.

I had seen some fairly bad injuries sported by the various members of London’s undercity; homeless cripples with twisted legs, criminals sporting everything from burns to missing eyes, the occasional thief who had, at some point in the past, had a finger or even a hand removed as a warning to them. However, this is the first time I’d seen a injury being sported by an Equestrian. It just looked so...out of place.

The mare’s only working eye scoured the pier, causing me to cower behind the pile of boxes. Even with my enchanted coat, I didn’t want to go testing it against such a sharp gaze. The mare grunted, seemingly satisfied that she wasn’t being watched, and began to trot off down the pier into town. As her hoofsteps faded, I made my move. Removing myself from my hiding place, I set off following her, being wary to keep plenty of distance between us.

The mare moved swiftly and with a definite purpose to her step. However, she was far more cautious of pursuers than the stallion had been and kept stopping to check behind her, forcing me to remain at least partially hidden to keep my coat’s enchantment from being seen through. We played our pursuit tango across the docks, with her trying to pull the occasional trick by heading down alleyways only to suddenly spin around to try and catch any pursuers, whilst I remained hidden behind boxes and in doorways, once even going so far as to climb onto a roof and continue my observations from an elevated position.

Eventually though the mare must have figured that, if someone were following her, she would have caught them by now and decided to lead me to her final destination, a large warehouse near the end of the docks. She looked around once more before heading inside, locking the door behind her. A quick inspection of the lock proved that it would, like most pony-made locks, be completely incapable of keeping me out. However, I refrained from opening it and walking through as that would be way too obvious and would probably end up with me getting caught by my overly cautious target.

Instead I slipped around to the back of the building and found another entrance, the lock on which barely managed to last a few seconds against me. I slowly crept inside and closed the door quietly behind me before turning to observe the interior of the warehouse.

Unsurprisingly, the warehouse was being used to store, wouldn’t you know it, wares of all things. Wooden crated with labels on the side were piled high, forming corridors and twisting mazes in the large storage space. The only sign I could see of where my target might have gone is a faint light coming from the back corner. Now it was my turn to be the cautious one, checking around every crate and down every aisle as I moved through the warehouse.

Eventually, I reached the source of the light. It was coming from out of a small room built into the back of the warehouse, presumably the manager’s office. Whilst the room lacked windows, being only a cheap room, the light was managing to escape through the cracks in the top and bottom of the door.

Kneeling down, I placed my eye against the keyhole and peered through, searching for my target and, more importantly, who she might be meeting with. I was met with disappointment though as the room appeared to be completely empty. Where the hell did she go then? Maybe some kind of secret entrance to an underground lair?

If I were back on Earth then that postulation would have seemed ludicrous. However, this was Equestria, home of cliché cartoon villains, and thus, was entirely reasonable.

I grasped the door handle and, to my surprise, found it to be unlocked. Well, if people aren’t going to bother locking doors after themselves it’s almost like they want me to break in and rob them. Pushing the door inwards, I walked inside, quickly glancing around for anything that may obviously conceal a hidden doorway. Things like out of place carpets, or bookshelves, or a candlestick that doubled as a secret lever. You know, the sort of stuff owners of haunted castles must have shipped in from specialist dealers.

“Ahem,” A sickly sweet voice suddenly said, causing me to freeze in place and slowly turn my head upwards towards the ceiling. There, concealed in the rafters, was several pegasi, as well as the mare I had followed here. “Welcome,” she continued, “to the beatdown warehouse. How can we help you with your beatdown needs today?”

I began to slowly back up towards the doorway, countering her predatory grin with a nervous smile of my own. “Hey,” I said, trying to keep the rising fear out of my voice, “I think I might be a bit lost, must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. So...I’ll just be leaving and, you know, be out of your hair.”

I turned around, prepared to flee, only to be confronted by several dozen more ponies. These were all unicorns and earth ponies who must have been hidden in the warehouse I had just passed through. Combined with the pegasi who had now landed behind me, I was well and truly surrounded.

“I don’t suppose we could discuss this like civilized folk?” I asked, my eyes darting round for an escape route whilst my mouth tried to stall for time.

“Doubt it.” The mare replied and, with a gesture of her head, set her companions on me, killing any chance I had of escaping.

“Bollocks.” I managed to get out before a furry storm of pony flesh slammed into me, almost immediately plunging me into darkness.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
BackgroundBrony

A Bit Too Much Restraint

Early morning at the Storm household was surprisingly loud, considering that the thief and resident chatterbox had already gone out. Of course, rather than the constant stream of sarcasm and babbling he provided, the loudness that morning came in one singular moment.

That moment was Iron Will falling out of bed.

A loud thud echoed throughout the house, shaking the few remaining window panes and causing any item of furniture that was not nailed down to shake around like it had just gone through a very small earthquake. This also had the effect of alerting Summer, who had managed to wake up and get herself ready for the day, that her remaining companion was awake and would at any moment fall down the stairs and into the kitchen.

Moments later there was a series of thuds similar to the earlier one, followed by some quite colourful cursing before a rather bruised Iron Will stumbled into the kitchen. His eyes were bleary and he looked so dead that, should a zombie apocalypse suddenly happen, he could quite easily pass as one of their number. Luckily, Summer knew exactly how to handle someone who was in such a state, thanks to her excessive guard training and having to deal with new recruits every morning.

She levitated a glass of water over to him and emptied it onto his face.

The now bruised and soggy minotaur stared at her blankly for a second before blinking a couple of times.

“Thanks,” he said, shaking his head to dry it slightly, “I needed that.”

“No problem.” Summer replied sweetly before levitating two plates full of crackers over to the table.

“Where’s Ace? Still in bed?” Iron asked as he took a seat.

“I think he’s already gone out, probably gone to see the town.”

“That poor town.” Iron murmured, getting a light giggle out of Summer.

They ate their unsubstantial breakfast whilst making light conversation, Iron asking about Summer’s childhood being raised by a legend like Swift whilst Summer questioned him about some of the adventures he’d had during his monster hunting days. She seemed particularly enthralled by his recounting of one time when he had been asked to drive a rock troll away from a border town.

“I wish I’d had you along for that particular outing,” He said, surprising Summer, “Not much can get through a rock troll’s skin and your magic is some of the strongest I’ve ever had the pleasure to witness. You would have had that troll running for the hills before he could even say ‘duh?’”

Summer bowed her head at this, feeling her cheeks heating up from the complement. “Oh, I’m sure you didn’t need me along. You’re more than capable of driving off one dumb rock troll.”

“One troll maybe,” Iron laughed, “my main problem was when the rest of his family showed up. I had to get assistance from the ponies I was supposed to be protecting in the end, though that was after a lot of frustration and bruises.”

“That must have been a blow to your pride.” Summer observed.

“Aye, it was a long time ago and I think I’ve learnt a lot since then. Mainly, don't try to headbutt rock trolls. We minotaurs may be renowned for our hard heads but when it comes to thickheadedness, trolls have us beat every day of the week.”

“You didn’t think that you should probably attack it from a distance?”

“Well yeah, that seems obvious now, but at the time I was young and rather reckless. Oh, and I’d just gotten myself a shiny new battle axe and didn’t want it to go to waste.” Iron explained, earning a flat look from Summer. “What? It was a really shiny battle axe.”

“Boys and their toys.” She said with a small shake of her head, before levitating their plates over to the sink.

Iron couldn’t help but notice how that caused her mane to move and shake, each individual strand reflecting the light and making it appear almost as though she had a halo. So mesmerized was he that he didn’t notice Summer sending her own sneaky glance over at him through a mirror on the wall, admiring the strong muscles in his biceps. They both hurriedly looked away, fearing that the other might notice at any moment.

“Hey Summer,” Iron spoke up, his voice lacking its usual confidence, “I was wondering if you might want to...maybe...”

“Yes?” She prompted eagerly.

“Erm...maybe you and I should go and...”

“Yes?” She said again, leaning forward slightly.

“Maybe...go and see your father again today?” Iron finished, looking away and silently cursing himself under his breath for his sudden cowardice.

Summer also looked away, though for her it was to hide the disappointment in her eyes. She quickly mustered herself though and turned back with a bright, if a bit fake, smile. “That sounds like a great idea. Don’t want the old stallion to be getting lonely now do we? He seemed quite interested in you as well you know?”

“Really? I’m not sure why. He’s the one whose lead the really interesting life...”

The two continued to chat as they set out to the hospital, their awkward conversation veering violently away from anything related to the two of them. They both had a lot on their minds, so it was small wonder that they didn’t consider what their reckless friend had managed to get himself into.

I awoke to find myself chained to a chair. That in itself was a jarring enough realisation that it made me want to close my eyes and go back into what must have been unconsciousness. However, through my slightly blurry vision, I noticed the colourful forms of some ponies standing before me. Considering they were the most likely the culprits of my current incarceration, I wasn’t too reassured by the presence of this planet’s pastel coloured inhabitants.

“My my, look who's finally decided to join us.” The middle blur said in a voice that was way too gentle. “I’ve been waiting eagerly for you.”

I shook my head slightly to try to clear it before attempting an articulate and witty response. “Gluh?” I asserted. “Flargle blah!”

Fucking nailed it!

My response drew some rather confused glances from the pony in front of me, who was slowly coming into focus. The image of three ponies slowly faded and melded together, until I was just looking at one.

“Aw damn, did we give him brain damage or something?” The mare said, “Although, come to think of it, he might have already had a couple of screws loose. Not the wisest decision to go following pirates into warehouses now was it? You think a little enchantment like the one on your coat can get past me? I’ve got more ponies trying to kill me than I can even count. Eventually, you develop a sixth sense for this kind of stuff.”

I moved my mouth around and flapped my tongue, trying to discover the source of my inarticulation. “Nahl? Nath? Nah? No...no, I suppose it wasn’t.” I said, managing to regain my vocal abilities.

Thank god for that. For a moment there I thought the world would be deprived of my combination of sharp wit and a voice that is like melted chocolate being poured into your ears, which would be a terrible tragedy.

I’ll just keep telling myself that.

I got my first good look at the mare then, considering she was no longer wearing her cloak. Other than her scarred face, she could probably pass as any regular pony on the street. Well, she would be able to so long as no one looked at her flank of tried to see her cutie mark. Rather than the mark a trade or a hobby that most ponies carried with them, this mare’s flank was a much more shocking sight. Where her cutie mark should be there was instead a horrid mess of scar tissue and barely healed cuts, criss-crossing each other like a macabre game of tic-tac-toe. The mark underneath was indiscernible. Whatever it had once been, it was now just a splash of colour that had been chopped up by slices and scars.

“Oh good you’re talking again.” The mare said before walking over to a nearby table and grabbing a weird looking metal bracelet from it. She dropped it onto the floor before carefully placing one of her forehooves inside, causing it to snap securely onto her limb with a click. I watched, confused, as she strutted over to me and raised the bracelet before my face. My confusion turned to horror as a blade leapt out of the bracelet, seeming to grow from the metal, before stopping just short of my eye. “Let’s see if we can have you screaming by the end of this.” She said, the sweetness in her voice violently at odds with the amount of sadistic joy in her eyes.

“Wait! If this is an interrogation then shouldn’t you be asking some questions before you start hurting me?” I asked, desperate to buy more time. I had managed to locate the lock on the chains and, whilst it didn’t seem that difficult to get past, the fact that my arms were restrained and I had no tools was a bit of a hindrance.

The mare had cocked her head, seemingly confused at my question. “Why would I want to interrogate you? I already know who you’re working with, that minotaur and the pretty little unicorn. Oh, they are going to be fun when they get here! Maybe I could have you all facing each other, so that you can see what the other is suffering through!” She practically purred at sick fantasies she was creating. “Besides,” she went on, “questions would just ruin the atmosphere of a pure, honest torturing session. I want your mouth entirely reserved for screaming.”

“Er...that’s nice, I guess. Not many mares are into the more kinky stuff. It’s good to see someone who is so...expressive with what they want.” I quipped, my eyes managing to find my belongings over on another table. “But what about that Gang Plank fellow? Surely he would want a piece of the action here.”

For a moment I thought I’d actually gotten through to the mare. She pulled back, stunned, before suddenly breaking into laughter. Her laugh, strangely enough, was as gentle and beautiful as her voice. I wish her personality was a bit more like that. “Gang Plank!? Ha! The name Gang Plank is just that; a name. He’s an invention, a fabrication that I needed to use when dealing with some of the more idiot pirate captains under my command.” She paused in thought, tapping the blade against my chest as she sat in my lap. “I mean, imagine if somepony like Thick Skull knew that he was actually being ruled over by a pink mare called Vibrant Melody. I’d have rebellions springing up all over the place. No, the image of the notorious Captain Gang Plank will have to stay in place, for now at least. Now then, back to the fun.” She began to raise the blade towards my face again.

“Don’t you want to know who I am?! What I am! What I can do?” I shouted. I was almost through this damn lock, just another minute and I’d be free.

“Oh hush now dear, you’re spoiling the moment. I think I’ll start with the eyes. Ponies, and presumably whatever you are, really treasure their eyes. In my experience, the loss of their eyesight is the thing they morn the most.” She let out another purr. “Well, they morn it for a while...until I start getting creative.”

As the blade started to approach my right eye, with me squirming back as far as possible to escape it, there was a sudden clattering sound from outside the door, followed by a large, scarred pegasus bursting in. “Ma’am! I bring news!”

“What?!” She screamed back. “Why are you interrupting me during one of my sessions?!”

“M-my apologies ma’am.” He said, bowing deeply before her. “But we’ve found him. After he was taken from Thick Skull’s ship he was checked into Manehatten General Hospital. We have a team getting ready now.”

The mare hopped off my lap, her blade returning smoothly into the bracelet. “Well done. I shall go and oversee it personally.” She turned to face me, her attempt to give me a sweet little smile was ruined by the horrible scar that twisted her face. “Then, once I have Swift Storm, I only need to hunt down the rest of your little group and we can have a nice little reunion. With knives! And a lot of blood!” She turned back to the bowing stallion, who shook slightly under her gaze. “Watch him. He better be exactly as he is now when I get back or you’ll be chained up next to him, got that?”

Whirling round suddenly, she stomped across the room and stopped just in front of me, the look of sadistic, almost childlike joy that she had worn this entire time suddenly twisting into a look of irrational hatred and rage. “It’s the end for you, Wild Card.” She said, her voice changed losing its usual sweetness. The voice that came from her was still definitely feminine, but was darker and filled with malevolence. “You’re all out of luck.” She spat.

Vibrant Melody suddenly blinked, her face losing the look of incomprehensible rage that had temporarily filled it. She looked around, confused, before looking up at me and whipping her head round to stare at her guard. Seeing that we were both looking at her, her confusion evaporated to return to her usual far too cheery attitude. “Ta ta for now.” She said, raising one hoof and blowing me a small kiss. “I promise, you’ll get me all to yourself at some point, but for now you’re going to have to learn to share with your friends.”

Giving me one last cheery smile, she skipped merrily over to the table and threw her cloak on before leaving the room. The guard and I both stared after her, still slightly confused by her sudden change in personality.

Where the hell did that come from? And how did she know about the whole ‘Wild Card’ thing?

One thing was obvious, I wouldn’t be getting any answers whilst still chained to a chair. As my nimble fingers, assisted by the nail on my left pinkie finger that I had allowed to grow long enough that it could be used as a rudimentary lockpick, took apart the lock, I decided to chat a bit with the guard.

“So...how are you?” I asked with a nervous smile. “How’s work going for you?”

The guard responded with a stoic glare.

“That’s good, that’s good.” I continued. “I’ve been meaning to ask about the whole work thing. What makes a pony want to work for someone like her? I mean, between you and me, I think she might be a few cards short of a deck, if you know what I mean.”

Judging from how his stoic glare was now tinted with a slight hint of confusion, I don’t think he did know.

This guy has a really expressive glare as well.

“You know,” I said, attempting to explain it to him, “She’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic? She’s lost all her marbles? She needs a checkup from the neck-up? She’s converting to Scientology?”

I don’t think he was getting it, time to try something more blunt. “Here, move a little closer, I’ll try to explain it better.” To my surprise he actually complied, moving a bit closer and perking his ears up. “A bit closer.” He obliged, his confusion powering his curiosity. “Just a bit closer.” He craned his neck forwards to hear what I had to say.

Of course, that was the moment that I let the chains holding my arms in place drop to the floor, grabbing the chair I had just been restrained to and swinging it round right into his jaw. The stallion’s head shot up, his eyes rolling around, dazed. He barely managed to get them to focus on me before I brought the remains of the chair down onto the top of his head, knocking him unconscious.

“She’s mad.” I said, looking down at him. “I was trying to say that she’s mad.” I walked over to my gear, swiftly putting the belt around my waist and strapping the knife on. I checked its blade and groaned when I realised that it still had blood all over it, which had gunked up the sheath. Walking over to the unconscious stallion, I began to wipe the blade as best I could on his fur. “I hope you don’t take it too hard that I beat you, I’m sure you’re a brilliant guard most of the time. It’s just that you were no match for me in a game of rock paper scissors chair-to-the-face.” I paused in thought for a second. “To be fair though, not many people are.”

Leaving the guard to his sweet dreams of unconsciousness, I grabbed my coat and threw it on before leaving the room. After making sure that my knife and all my bags were secure, I began to sprint through the warehouse, bursting out the side door before continuing to bound down the street with maddened haste.

Hospital. Got to get to the hospital.

Author's Note

Hope you enjoyed this chapter as I am very sorry to announce that it is going to be the last one for a while. I'm taking a three-week hiatus as I have some very important exams coming up that I have to focus on. The next update should be on the 2nd of February.

Again, sorry about this, I really can't afford to be failing these tests,
Barrel-of-fun

Drop Dead Amazing

You know what ventilation shafts never are in movies?

Dusty.

We’re not talking a thin layer of dust that might cause a mother-in-law to tut disapprovingly after she runs her finger over your kitchen table. We’re talking giant clumps of the stuff forming nearly impenetrable walls along the vent. So far I had been able to just force my way through but if the dust got any thicker then I may have to get my knife and start carving out a path.

Another interesting fact that I had recently learnt about vents? Well, they are very difficult to navigate. Even my thin frame was having trouble fitting along the narrow metal corridor, not to mention that, with the dust clouding my vision, I had almost fallen down the shaft multiple times. That’s another thing about ventilation shafts, they tend to have a lot of sudden drops around the place, since they have to get all over this building and all.

Despite these problems I had still managed to climb down at least two floors now, simply by hanging over one of the sharp vertical drops, placing my hooves on either side and sliding down. I had essentially invented a vertical form of grinding. Tony Hawk would be so proud of me. Skaters were always looking for new ways to test the limits of human endurance after all, an admirable quality that they shared with masochists and people who think a sign saying ‘DANGER! High voltage!’ roughly translates as ‘Hey, I bet you can’t touch this with your penis.’

They are the true heroes.

I forced myself back to reality and looked around, seeing only two identical, dust filled vent corridors going either way. “Where in the world am I?” I wondered aloud, spitting some dust out of my mouth at the same time. “They should really put maps up in here, someone could get lost.”

“Where in the world is Ace?!” Iron shouted as he lashed out at one of his attackers, who managed to leap away from the blow.

Summer gritted her teeth and focused more energy into her own attacks. “How am I supposed to know? We barely know what he’s up to when he’s right next to us. Besides, how exactly would he help in this situation?” With her piece said, Summer released the energy that she had stored in her horn into a large beam of raw electrical power that shot across the room, impacting on the shield that her two unicorn opponents had thrown up around their allies. The bolt, seemingly furious at being denied the ability to scorch some pony flesh, battered the shield with random arcs of energy before it dissipated altogether, its fuel spent before it had accomplished its goals.

Summer growled in suppressed rage as she saw the two unicorns share a smug smirk from behind the safety of their shield. So far the battle had not been going well for the underdog duo. Not only were they outnumbered but they were quickly realising that they may well be outmatched as well, a rare experience for the two experienced fighters. These enemies were no dockyard thugs, unlike the crew Thick Skull had commanded. They were experienced pirates, veterans of many sea battles against other pirates, as well as occasional clashes with the Royal Navy or a particularly stubborn merchant crew, and their familiarity with the art of fighting was definitely showing.

So far Iron had managed to do barely any damage to his opponents. His attacks, whilst powerful, lacked the speed to threaten the nimble ponies who, after managing to dodge one of his blows, would leap in for the chance to deliver a buck to his legs or ribs. The two earth ponies who had adopted this strategy, whilst annoying, paled in comparison to the pegasus who hovered nearby, watching for an opportunity to strike. Whenever Iron got close to taking out one of his opponents with any degree of finality, the pegasus would leap in and deliver a swift kick to his head before buzzing out of range again, grinning and jeering at the enraged minotaur.

Summer, meanwhile, had been attempting to focus her attentions on the leader of the pirates, the scarred pink mare who stood at the back, occasionally shouting an order to her troops. However, her efforts had been almost entirely blocked by the unicorn duo who seemed strangely proficient at shielding magic. To make matters worse, whenever she tried to assist Iron Will with his foes, a shield would appear, surprisingly quickly, to block off her aid. Summer was beginning to wonder if they had perhaps received some Guard training in the past. The possibility that the smirking pirates in front of her were a pair of Guard deserters filled her mind with anger. How dare they desert their oaths! Their country! The ponies they were supposed to be defending!

Most unicorns avoided strong emotions when using their magic, as powerful destructive emotions like hate and anger could cause a spell to do far more damage then it should, often leading to the unicorn accidentally hurting themselves and others. Right now, however, Summer felt like doing a bit of extra damage. Letting her usually carefully controlled emotions have their head, she felt power flowing through her, coalescing into her horn before firing out as another bolt of powerful electricity.

The unicorns quickly lost their smirks and began to grimace, their teeth gritted as the pooled their power into the shared shield, managing to repel the new attack. Summer let out a frustrated scream and stamped her hooves on the floor. Some part of her mind knew that she was letting too much anger fuel her magic, which in turn fed her anger, the magical euphoria leading to massively raised emotions. A larger part of her mind knew that, with enough power, she would be able to reduce the infuriating unicorns to nothing but ashes. This side’s argument, whilst simple, was so well presented that it grabbed the entirety of Summer’s attention. Grinning, she charged more energy into her horn and prepared another salvo.

Meanwhile, Iron Will was not faring much better than Summer in the rationality department. His continued inability to hit the swift opponents he was up against made his blood boil. Every time they dodged an attack and struck at him he felt the red mist descend slightly more, forcing him further and further into the rage that the warriors of his clan were famous for. His attacks became stronger as Iron began to throw his entire body into a single punch, often smashing floorboards and putting holes into everything but his opponents. One of the earth ponies in front of him suddenly leapt forward, sending a strong buck to smash into Iron’s kneecap. The minotaur grunted, stumbling as he felt his leg give out underneath him. The circling pegasus, spotting an opportunity to capitalise on the minotaur’s misfortune, shot forward and slammed into the side of the minotaur’s head. Iron felt his vision blur from the strong attack to his cranium, one of his arms slamming into the floor to prevent him from collapsing fully.

The enemies did not let up as Iron stumbled, continuing to rain as many blows as they could on the huge warrior, pushing their advantage. The groundbound ponies took the chance to bash at Iron’s upper body, landing several crushing blows on his ribs and chest. The pegasus, apparently content with his strategy so far, simply continued to swoop around and take swipes at the minotaur’s head.

As suddenly as he had stumbled, Iron was back up again, one huge arm swiping out at one attacker who had, in his eagerness, overextended himself. The pony was sent flying by the powerful strike, slamming into his own teammates barrier and sliding down it, completely out of the fight.

The two other attackers, shocked at seeing their comrade taken out so swiftly, opted to fall back a bit. Unlike most ameatuer fighters, they did not get angry and try to avenge their fallen friend. Instead they got more careful, making sure to dodge well out of the way of Iron’s blows. Despite his success at taking one out, Iron still felt his blood boiling as the two remaining ponies simply took more care not to get caught out again.

Just as Iron was about to launch another attack, hoping to knock the smug pegasus out of the air, he heard a sound coming from above him. The sound echoed throughout the room, managing to draw the ear of every combatant, who all slowly took their eyes from their respective opponents and looked up at the ceiling. The sound came again, a dull clanging noise, like the sound of hooves scraping across metal, followed by several loud thumps.

“Alright, that’s another floor down,” A worryingly familiar voice said, “Now then, where am I?”

The occupants of the room lowered their eyes and looked at each other, all rage and battle fury lost as an awkward silence filled the room, cut into only by the voice’s vent-echoed narration.

“Am I above pediatrics? I swear if I’ve somehow ended up above pediatrics I’m going to be so pissed off. I could get arrested on pedophile charges for that. That would look terrible on my criminal record, I can see it now: ‘Theft, theft, theft, theft, super-theft, perving on kiddies, more theft.’” The sound of a melancholy sigh was heard. “Maybe I should branch out a bit, start doing crimes other than just theft. I wonder how the bribery game is this time of year.”

Back in the room, Iron and Summer had locked eyes with the leader of the enemy, that vicious-looking scarred mare. Their eyes screamed their request, begging her not to do what they knew she was about to do. Slowly, a grin stretched across her face, the large scar twisting up even more of her features as it seemed to try to escape from her bloodthirsty smile.

“Fire.” She ordered her unicorn duo, who happily obliged.

Their horns were quickly charged with arcane energy and pointed directly at the area of the roof that the voice had come from. Summer lashed out at their shield in desperation, but they were too powerful, her efforts doing no more than slightly annoying them as their pooled energy easily surpassed hers. She then tried to raise a shield in front of their target, dredging up all the power she could and pouring it into the spell matrix, desperately hoping to protect the strange thief that she had come to call her friend.

Iron, too, attempted to stop the spellcasters. He lowered his head and charged past the foes that had kept him at bay, ignoring the multitude of blows that they landed on his frame as he passed. He slammed hard into the shield, causing it to flicker for a moment before instantly reasserting itself, blocking him off from the unicorns. He bashed and pummelled at the force field, drawing more grimaces from the unicorns but doing little to detract from their concentration.

Summer and Iron could do little more than watch as the unicorns released their attack, a brilliant salvo of arcane shots flying from their horns, looking for all the world like rain in reverse. They struck Summer’s shield hard, slamming into it relentlessly before, with a disturbing crack, it shattered, sending a wave of magical backlash through Summer’s head, who fell to the ground in pain.

The shots, which had broken through Summer’s empowered barrier with ease, tore through the ceiling as though it were made of paper. Initially, they simply pierced through the obstacle however as the barrage increased in intensity, large chunks of the ceiling were blown out by the sheer number of shots. Iron and Summer watched in horror as blood began to drip down through the cracks, falling down to form a slow crimson rain over a portion of the floor. The unicorns, seeing the effects of their barrage, relented in their assault, looking with satisfaction upon their bloody work.

The ceiling was riddled with cracks and holes, dark red blood leaking down between them. A ponderous groan echoed through the room as the ceiling attempted to hold itself together, an effort that turned out to be in vain as, a couple of seconds later, a large portion the the roof collapsed in, releasing a figure which tumbled to the ground below.

Iron, still watching the bloody body of his friend with morbid horror, was taken completely by surprise by a solid blow to the back of his head, which caused him to fall to the ground. His vision began to darken as, with desperation, he looked over at Summer, hoping that she had managed to somehow escape, only to be met with disappointment.

With the last of her magical reserves expended trying to hold together the futile force field, Summer was easy pickings for the two unicorns who had bested her as they approached, horns glowing as they weaved one last spell. She attempted to struggle against them but the effects of the magical backlash was too much for her and she was unable to stop them as they leaned down and touched their horns to her head, instantly sending her off into a magical sleep.

Iron’s eyes slowly closed as he slipped slowly into unconsciousness, the last vestiges of his sight locked on the blood covered body of one of his friends and the unconscious body of another. The last thing he heard before everything went black was the triumphant laughter of the scarred mare, a harsh cackle that was sure to fill his dreams.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
Garion

Feedback is, as ever, much appreciated.

It's All In The Cards

I woke up, not for the first time, surrounded by darkness. Everywhere I looked an endless void of black greeted my vision. It felt oddly familiar.

“Hello again Ace.” A voice said from behind me.

Oh damn, now I know where I am.

“My Lady, how lovely to see you again.” I replied, turning to face her and sweeping into a theatrical bow.

Lady Luck was, as ever, beautiful to behold. She still had that wild red hair, perfectly contrasting her charming green eyes. However, rather than the slinky black dress she wore last time we met, she was now dressed in a long, split leg dress that was as green as the fields of Ireland. She stood just behind a roulette table, one hand nonchalantly spinning the wheel.

Normally, this would have been a perfect scene for me, were it not for the frown that adorned the goddesses’ face.

“Erm....hate to bother you and all m’lady but...am I dead?”

“Not quite, though not for lack of trying on someone’s behalf.”

“Oh...so I’m dying? That sucks I guess.” I scratched at my head nervously. “So how did that happen?”

“I believe that an old enemy of mine may have interfered. She’s been quite jealous of my position for some time and I believe she sees this Chess Game as a way to gain some power.” She let out a melancholy sigh, “Seriously, you make one little joke about a Goddess at a party and she vows an eternity long vendetta.”

“And what? She’s affecting the Game?” I was still quite confused. The affairs of the Gods seem a bit like something that should show up on the Jerry Springer show.

“Yeah, though it would be a bit hypocritical of me to accuse her of cheating since I’ve been doing the same.” She muttered. With a flick of her wrist, two dice appeared in her hand, which she idly began to shake.

“Who is she then? This great and terrible enemy?”

“Her name is Até, a rather minor Goddess in the Greek Pantheon, but an annoying one. She lays claim to the domains of Delusion, Folly, Strife and Misfortune. It is on the last one that we have some serious disagreements.”

“I take it this is one of those arguments that didn’t really go away over time?”

“Not really, no. We’re half-sisters you see and when we weren’t fighting for Daddy’s attention we were fighting over who got what domain. It got worse when she tricked our father, Zeus, into making some meaningless oath and he got mad and threw her off of Olympus.”

“Wow,” I muttered,”Overkill much?”

“Yeah, Dad did always have a temper on him. Still, I may have compounded the issue a little when I spent a couple of hundred years taunting Até that I was the favoured child.”

I stared at her in disbelief, my gaze being met by her utterly calm eyes. “That is just cold.”

“I admit that it wasn’t my finest moment. In my defence, I was very young for a Goddess at the time and had finally won a little spat that had been going for around three hundred years.”

I shook my head sadly at the immaturity of the deity that was supposed to be my chosen Goddess. “So basically we’ve got a pissed off goddess who isn’t afraid to cheat. What do we do?”

“That’s simple,” She said, conjuring a pack of cards into her hand. A disturbingly familiar looking pack of cards, judging from the marked Ace of Spades on the top. My hands flew to the pouch that should contain my deck, finding nothing, causing Lady Luck to grin. “We simply need to be better cheaters.”

“And how do we go about doing that?” I asked, still eying my deck.

“We stop being quite so subtle. Até is known for her ability to induce rages in mortals, forcing them to act rashly in the heat of battle. However, despite her pretensions to cunning she’s still rather easy to trick, and that infuriates her.”

“Okay, trick her. Got it.” I paused for a moment, “ You realise that I’m still bleeding to death on the floor, surrounded by enemies, right now don't you? The only tricks I can pull off are the one’s involving blood and death, and they’re not very fun ones. Really ruin the mood at parties.”

“That is also quite easily remedied,” She replied, gently laying her other hand on top of my deck. A bright shine began to pulse out from her hand as she slowly pressed down, causing the cards to seemingly disappear into her arm. “When you wake up, simply draw two cards.”

Feeling a sudden weight in my hand, I looked down and saw the deck there, each card still glowing slightly from whatever Lady Luck had just done to them. “Draw two cards? And what exactly will that do?” I looked up and almost jumped out of my skin as Lady Luck was suddenly standing directly in front of me, seemingly without crossing the intervening distance.

“It will do just what it needs to do.” She said cryptically before leaning in and placing a kiss directly on my lips. My eyes shot wide open at the sudden show of affection, before slowly closing as I felt drowsiness descend upon me.

My world exploded into searing pain, quite a sudden change from the calming emptiness of whatever void I inhabited when talking to Lady Luck. My mind reeled as it tried to desperately acclimatise to the sudden change, giving me a splitting headache to pile on top of the burning pain I could feel in my chest, which was pressed against the rough floor.

Oh yeah, bleeding to death; got to do something about that.

I could feel the deck of cards in my left hand, which was strange considering I was sure that they were in a belt pouch when I had been attacked. However, for the sake of my own survival I chose to disregard this and began to fumble at the deck, my thumb scraping the top card in a pathetic attempt to draw it with what little energy I had left. Finally, my thumb hooked under the top card and managed to flip it off, the little piece of plastic-coated paper fluttered from the top of the deck, as if caught by some unseen wind, and landed in front of my nose.

It was a face card, the figure beaming up at me taking the shape of that lovely mistress, the Queen of Hearts. I was still confused over what this was supposed to do though. I know gods are supposed to work in mysterious ways and all but I would really rather have some divine healing about now rather than a short, potentially fatal game of solitaire. I have never been a big fan of solitaire; it takes two to cheat after all and in solitaire you can only cheat yourself. Lady Luck having me play such a dull game now seemed like adding insult to injury, considering the massive pain that was storming through my ribs.

Wait...Where did the pain go?

Hesitantly, I began to lift myself up, looking down at my chest where I expected to find a lot of bloody holes. I was met with disappointment, though it was a joyous disappointment, when I was just greeted by my normal, whole chest. A bit more blood covered than usual but still in one piece.

Looking back at the card in front of me I noticed that it seemed to have lost its colours, the normally powerful red now muted to a dull grey. Some kind of healing magic? Well that is incredibly useful, even if it does only have one charge.

Slowly, I clambered to my hooves, swaying slightly as I regained my full height. Of course, this movement had the unintended effect of drawing the attention of the other conscious inhabitants of the room. Two unicorns, two pegasi and an earth pony were all staring at me in amazement, making me feel a bit awkward.

“Er...hi, how’s tricks?” I said nervously.

One of the pegasi, who I recognized as Vibrant Melody, managed to close her hanging jaw enough to respond. “How in Tartarus are you still alive?” She demanded, receiving a shrug from me in return. “Oh well, looks like we’ll just have to kill you again.” She commented with a shrug of her own before nodding to her two unicorns, who began to charge their horns.

Lady Luck’s words echoed in my mind, ‘Draw two cards.’

I was swift to do exactly what she had told me to do, my right hand flashing to my left and grabbing the topmost card. I glanced at it, wondering what magical effect I might get this time. The twisted grin of the Joker card stared at me, the colourful clown seeming more joyful now than he had ever been before.

“Joker?” I said, “What the hell does a Joker do?”

I looked up from the card to see if anything had happened to the room, however the only difference I noticed was that the unicorns were now ready to cast their offensive spells.

“Oh shit!” I yelled, dropping the card and bodily throwing myself out of the way of their magical volley.

As soon as I hit the floor I tucked my body up and rolled back to my hooves, ready to keep dodging at the first sign of a shot heading my way. Nothing came though. No magical battery, no charging ponies or speeding pegasi. Nothing. Confused, I looked around to see the unicorns still eagerly firing spells from their horns, directing them all at...

Me?

Well, not me obviously, but what appeared to be a perfect copy of me. The fake satyr shuddered as shots thumped in to him, spouts of blood and gore shooting from him as the destructive spells tore his body apart. Judging by the fact that both of the mages were focused on my double and not on me, I hazarded a guess that, at the moment at least, they were unable to see me. Not one to let such an opportunity pass by, I began to move towards the unicorns, creeping up to them as they continued to fire. I secured my new magical deck into my belt to free my hands for what I was about to do.

A veritable fountain of blood shot out of my clone's mouth as a large portion of his chest disappeared. He fell to his knees, blood-matted hair falling forwards to cover most of his face and precious life blood dripping onto the floor around him. Suddenly, he raised his head and the grimace of pain turned to an insane smile.

“Made you look.” He chuckled before disappearing in a poof of smoke, leaving a Joker card hanging in the air to gently fall to the floor.

The unicorns had the decency to look confused as their injured enemy disappeared, their heads slowly turning to look up at me as I reappeared between them. Their eyes widened with fear as their enemy, which they had so far managed to keep at a safe distance, was suddenly close enough to take them out with ease. Something that I promptly did.

“‘Sup?” I asked as I grabbed their respective horns, bringing the stunned unicorn’s heads together with a crack. The violent strike to their horns caused the two magical ponies to drop like a sack of potatoes, falling to the floor at either side of me.

The rest of the room were staring in shock at me, which I can’t really fault them for. I would be pretty surprised too if my nearly dead enemy got back up twice and took out my friends. Another thing I would be is quite angry, a trait I apparently shared with my opponents here as the two remaining minions were now charging at me from the front, whilst, judging from the sound of rapid hoofsteps I could hear from behind me, Vibrant Melody had also decided to join the fray.

My hand right hand shot to my knife sheath whilst my left went for a new card, hoping that the whatever effect it bestowed would be a useful one. I had just enough time to notice that it was the Seven of Diamonds before I sent it flying towards the earth pony and pegasi duo with a flick of my wrist. The two ponies, seeing a mere card heading their way, ignored it and continued their charge, a mistake that proved foolish for them. The card, upon reaching its targets, suddenly exploded outwards in a flash of light, the searing brightness blinding them. The shouted in surprise and pain as they stumbled around completely visionless, occasionally bumping into each other and flailing about with their hooves, often managing to hit each other in their confusion.

Diamond causes flares eh? Well they are quite dazzling.

Seeing that one problem was dealt with, for now at least, I turned to face my remaining foe, only to be forced to throw myself back from a quicksilver strike that lunged for my throat. Melody had activated her hoof-blade amulet as she had leapt at me, hoping to impale me upon it. Seeing that she had missed, she leapt again, snarling and with intense rage etched upon her face. Até’s influence I presume. Lady Luck had said that she was good at inducing rages, though I hadn’t expected her to be doing it to her own side.

Speaking of rages, I could feel my own anger mounting and forced myself to take a deep breath to calm myself. Now that I knew what the opposing deity could do, I would be able to work towards preventing it from happening to me.

“I’ll kill you!” Melody screamed, practically foaming at the mouth now, “How dare you defy me! Trying to take down my operation! Trying to take down me! I’ll kill you!”

Well at least she was confident in her objectives. I don’t even know what my goals here are, other than the obvious one of surviving. If I could find someway to make money out of this situation then that would be awesome but for now I’m going to focus on surviving if at all possible.

On the subject of my continued survival, I was once again forced to leap back as Melody leapt forward and slashed at my legs, attempting to cripple me. Thankfully, despite her pegasus speed, I was still faster on my feet than her. Lightly, I danced back to avoid her pressing attacks, each slash becoming more and more wild as she forced me to retreat. Several times I saw that she had overextended herself, leaving her neck or chest open for a swift stab from my knife. However, each time these opportunities came up I let them pass by.

I was no killer after all.

Of course, with the Lady Luck’s augment to my deck, I now had an offensive alternative to the nasty business of killing. The moment I got a spare second from having to dodge attacks I drew a card from my belt, hoping for another Diamond. Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance to check the card before being forced to throw it, immediately throwing myself back to avoid a disemboweling strike.

The small rectangle of magical paper shot through the air, striking Melody square in the face before she even had time to react. The moment the card touched, her eyes shot wide and she began to hyperventilate. Her head darted round, as if desperately assessing some unseen threat.

“Fire! Fire everywhere!” She began to shout, despite the clear evidence otherwise.

The scarred mare began to run around the room, flailing at herself and everything around her, trying to put out the flames that only she could see. My enemy having run off, I decided to sneak a quick look at the card that I had used on her. The Ten of Spades.

Fear effect eh? I’ll have to be careful with those ones, they seem nasty.

I decided to take the brief respite I had managed to buy to assess the conditions of my opponents so that I could best use my tactical advantage of being able to run up and smack them upside the head. The pegasus was still hovering around and rubbing at his eyes, as was his earth pony company. They seemed to be slowly recovering from the effect though as they would occasionally look blearily at the room, blink a couple of times and then go back to rubbing their eyes. Of course, this temporary blindness put them at a severe disadvantage when it came to the game of ‘dodge the crazy flailing mare.’

So far, the pegasus and I were doing well. The earth pony? Not so much.

The stallion just had the time to let out a strangled yelp before his boss’s wildly swinging hoof smote him in the side of the head in a desperate attempt to get rid of the illusionary fire. Melody must have been surprisingly strong as the struck pony dropped to the ground immediately, about as conscious as a lightweight after a drinking contest.

Seeing that the pegasi was about to recover, I chose to take him out of the fight before he had any chance to make a move. I grabbed another card from my belt and, since I had the time, actually checked it this time. The Four of Clubs. If what I suspected was correct and the power of these cards were based upon their numbers then this would be a fairly weak attack. Then again it could have some amazing effect that would more than make up for the lack of power.

Shrugging, I flicked my arm out and released the card, sending it spinning through the air towards the pegasi. By sheer chance, he just managed to recover from his earlier blindness in time to see a second of my surprisingly dangerous cards heading his way. A look that was two parts resignation and one part fear crossed his face before he immediately slammed his eyes shut, perhaps expecting another flare.

However, no light came from the card as it struck the pegasi. Instead, his head shot backwards as though he had just been punched in the face by a burly Scotsman. The strong blow to the head proved to be too much for the nimble but fragile winged pony as he fell from his hovering position and slammed into the ground headfirst. It seemed that, instead of hitting him with the force of a thrown playing card, the Four of Clubs had instead opted to hit him with the force of a thrown brick, a decision I could entirely get behind.

Only one enemy remained. The big boss, Vibrant Melody. As I turned to face her she seemed to come down off the fear effect that had been placed on her, looking around her in confusion as whatever horror she had been seeing faded away to be replaced by the equally shocking sight of all her minions defeated and her enemy standing triumphant.

Raising my knife into a guard position just as Iron had taught me, I let my other hand draw a card from my belt, readying it for another throw by holding it in between my index and middle finger. I allowed a smirk to cross my face as I noticed the hesitance on Melody’s face. With her henchponies defeated, she wasn’t feeling so sure about fighting this little old satyr.

Letting out one last snarl of impotent rage, Melody chose to retreat. She spread her wings and shot upwards, flying gracefully into the vent system that I had arrived through, disappearing in an instant. Loud coughs and thuds echoed through the vent as she encountered the same problem I had in my unconventional travels. If vents weren’t made for climbing through then they definitely were not made for flying through. She was not going to be having a pleasant journey.

Letting loose a relieved sigh, I dropped my stance and relaxed my tense muscles. I then went around the room and picked up all my thrown cards, replacing them in my deck before surveying the room. Everyone other than me was still out cold, although that was not the really important thing that caught my attention.

Swift Storm had been given a pudding cup that, somewhat miraculously, had been unharmed in the fight. I quickly crossed the room and grabbed my prize, taking a seat on the unconscious form of one of my defeated opponents as I began to dig into my stolen dessert whilst I waited for my friends to wake up. The sweet taste of victory filled my mouth.

It tasted like chocolate.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Garion
Blazinblade7

Yeah, so Ace has magical cards now, bring on the Gambit/Twisted Fate/Dandy Man jokes. What do you guys think of this? Does it make Ace too powerful? Feedback is greatly appreciated.

Oh yeah, if anyone wants a theme song for this chapter then try this one out for size (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9d3342IXSs). It's a bit League of Legends based but I still like it.

Thanks for reading,
Barrel-of-fun

Determination and Deception

By the time my companions began to stir I had already finished off my ill-gotten dessert and collected the various cards that were scattered around the room. I had spent my time shuffling through the mysterious magical deck, occasionally having to stop to deliver a swift kick to one of the pirates who tried to shake off their unconsciousness early. I wasn’t sure if these multiple blows to the head were good for them but, practically, I didn’t care. If they hadn’t wanted brain damage then they wouldn’t have attacked my friends. Simple logic really.

Finally, after what seemed like hours of waiting, Iron groaned and began to rise, or at least attempted to. His efforts to get up began with him planting a hand on the floor and trying to raise his upper body. However, this was slightly interrupted when his hand slipped and he slammed back into the floor, letting out another groan as he did so.

Seeing the rather pathetic attempt of my companion to get up, I allowed myself the time to facepalm before going over to help him.

“Hey there buddy,” I began, offering my hand to him, “How you feelin’?”

Iron, to his credit, managed to raise his head off the floor and stare up at me. His gaze, initially quite blurry from his recent unconsciousness, slowly focused upon me. The moment he recognized me, his eyes went wide in shock and he began to hyperventilate.

“Z-zombie...” He whispered before lapsing back into unconsciousness.

Awkwardly, I withdrew my offered hand and looked at it in confusion. “Good talk Iron, real enlightening.” I muttered before going back to waiting.

Thankfully, the next being in the room to wake was Summer. After managing to get all her hooves under her, she looked around the room, drinking in my presence and that of all the unconscious enemies.

“Ace?” She said, sounding strangely calm. “What, by the holy power of Celestia’s phallically long horn, happened here?”

“I have no idea.” I lied casually. “It was like this when I got here.” There was an awkward pause as we both assessed the damage to the room. “So...what was that about Celestia’s horn?”

“Unicorn joke.” She explained glibly, “You wouldn’t get it.” Her piece said, she walked over and began to inspect Iron, looking carefully over his head, presumably for any signs of a concussion.

“I think I do.” I said before hopping up off my unconscious throne. “How is he? He woke up earlier muttering something about zombies. I’ll admit, I’m a bit worried.”

“He looks fine, though I’m wondering why I have to be the one examining him. We’re in a hospital, you shouldn’t be able to spit without hitting a doctor.”

“Yeah but they all seem a little incompetent, especially when it comes to the safety of their patients. Exhibit A.” I said, throwing one hand out to indicate the unconscious attackers that continued to rudely litter the room with their bodies.

“That’s...actually a very good point. Nopony in this city seems to care. Where are the doctors? Where are the guards? They should be out there arrest scum like this.” She kicked one of the downed unicorn pirates. “The Manehattan Guard I remember would never have allowed things to get this bad. What in Tartarus happened here?”

I kneeled down next to her, placing one hand upon her shoulders. “I’m not certain, but I’m sure we can find out.”

“How?” She demanded, looking up at me with a challenging gaze.

I pretended to give it some thought before replying. “Simple, we lie, we threaten, we lean on all the right people and some of the wrong ones. If necessary we might even have to, gods forbid, ask politely.”

This got a smile out of her, something she desperately seemed to need at the moment. I couldn’t really imagine what she must be going through right now. To come back to the city you consider to be your home to find it completely changed, with your loved ones threatened by its very nature. The confusion she must be feeling right now...

“Right,” Summer started, steel suddenly filling her voice, “First order of business, we need to get Iron and my dad up and out of here. Ace, do you think you can secure us some lodgings, preferably somewhere where we don’t have to worry about being knifed?” I nodded, rather dumbfounded. “Good, whilst you do that, I’m going to find whoever’s the captain of the Guard around here. They have a lot to answer for.”

Okay, I take it back. Summer doesn’t get confused, she just gets scary.

A glass of water poured on his face was all it took to wake Iron, who spluttered with indignation before wiping his eyes and looking at Summer with relief. He then noticed me standing nearby and his look of relief turned to one of terror.

“How?” He whispered darkly. “How are you alive? I saw you die, I’m sure of it. You fell and there was blood everywhere. You should be dead.” Rather than being happy that his friend was still alive, he seemed suspicious.

“Are you sure that’s what you saw?” I replied calmly, trying not to let any nervousness pierce the mask that I wore. “I mean, you did take a lot of blows to the head. The confusion of the battle may have simply got to you.”

He glared at me once more before huffing and apparently giving up, though I could see from the look in his eyes that it wasn’t over. Looks like I’d have to be a bit more careful around Iron in future.

“Iron, pick up my dad and grab whatever meds they have him on. We need to get out of here now. Go with Ace, he says he can find some safe lodgings, hopefully he isn't boasting.” Summer ordered. I was slightly offended by what she was implying. I never boasted, I was just that good.

Iron moved over to Swift and began to gently unhook him from the various bits and pieces of medical equipment. “What about you?” He asked, sending a questioning glance over at Summer.

“I have had enough of being chased around my own city without any help from the Guard.” She replied with a stomp of her hoof. “I’m getting to the bottom of this.”

“Want me to come with you?” Iron offered, “I’m sure I could streamline the process of talking to snotty bureaucrats.” He added with a crack of his huge knuckles, and all that implied.

“No, but thanks for offering.” Summer replied with a sweet smile. “No offense but your method tends to be ‘punch first, ask questions whilst punching.’” She then looked over to me. “And I don’t think any of them have pockets worth picking.”

“My dear Summer!” I exclaimed with a haughty air, “I am shocked by your implications! Do you mean to say that you consider me naught but a lowly thief?”

“Of course not.” She replied before slipping on a smug smile. “You also happen to make a great distraction, on top of being a lowly thief.” This got a hearty guffaw from Iron Will and even brought a chuckle to my lips.

After all, she had me bang to rights there.

With what little humor we could find in the situation already extracted, we decided to set off. Iron gently lifted Swift Storm into his arms whilst Summer and I began to stride forward, quickly checking the lobby for signs of any hostility before exiting the building.

Of course the sheer damn nobility that infused my soul compelled me to leave a message at the front desk informing the staff about the unconscious and injured pirates in the room we had just left.

Although my roguish side decided to write the message in a language I had just made up called ‘Aceian.’ It’s a language that employs a combination of braille, French, what little Welsh I could remember and thirty one different swear words that wouldn’t be recognized by anyone who wasn’t frequented a London bar on a Friday evening. Linguistics professors would be confounded, amazed and strangely aroused upon being confronted by any text written in such a language.

I’m pretty sure I’d got the room number wrong anyway, regardless of the language it was written in.

Soon after we left the hospital, Summer split off from us to head towards the barracks and, hopefully, some answers. She gave us a quick farewell before trotting off, a mare on a mission.

Of course, I had some questions of my own.

“Iron, is it just me or have we been staying in some really crappy places recently?” I asked, looking over at the minotaur, who still had Swift Storm slung over one shoulder.

“I guess so,” He replied, “Though, to be fair, our finances aren't exactly great. It’s not like we can afford the nicest hotel in the city.”

I raised an eyebrow at this, “Oh, and what exactly is the nicest hotel in the city?”

His brow furrowed for a moment before he clicked his fingers in comprehension. “I believe it is the Far From Raggedy. Big modern place in the Upper District, you can see it from here.” He pointed towards a large shape in the distance. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be a giant skyscraper style building, all shining glass and steel. It looked like a piece of modern day architecture had been transported to Equestria. “Sparkling thing ain’t it? The new range of modern buildings they’re calling it. Personally, I don’t like all that glass. A decent punch could go right through a wall, not to mention the tedious amount of cleaning to keep it so shiny.” He let out a short harumph, “No, give me a strong stone building any day.”

“Alrighty then, remind me, how many drinks do I owe you?” I asked, a plan beginning to form in my mind.

“Three I believe, and I’m expecting them some day.” He grumbled.

“How about this? I dare you that I can get us the penthouse suite to the Far From Raggedy for as long as we need it.” He opened his mouth to protest and i held up a hand to stop him. “Wait for it...without paying!” I finished triumphantly.

The large minotaur looked at me, seemingly weighing up the chances. “Alright then, but if you fail, you owe me six drinks.”

“Alright and when I succeed, you have to declare me the most cunning and devilishly handsome being to ever walk this green earth, and that you spend each day restraining your rampant homoerotic desire for me.”

“I change my mind. When you fail, I want ten drinks. That should be enough to help me forget what you just said.”

“Very well.” I replied.

I’ll just make sure that Summer is there when he loses.

We trudged along in silence for a bit towards the Upper District, ignoring the ponies who gawked at us as we passed. I couldn’t help but notice that the further we travelled, the chubbier the ponies got. Signs of a luxurious life began to show on the populace, making it rather difficult for me to concentrate. My fingers itched when I saw an overly dressed peacock of a mare flashing a necklace made of pearls. I almost had to bodily restrain myself when a fatcat pony walked by with a big bag of bits loosely hanging from his pocket.

That’s not to say I was a completely divine soul. I believe that my current finances increased tenfold after a few minutes of walking, accidently bumping into the arrogant fools who let their money show.

What can I say? I needed some petty cash.

Upon reaching the hotel of our choice I took a seat at a café opposite, indicating for Iron to join me. Curious, the large minotaur sat down, propping the still unconscious Swift Storm up in another chair. A snooty waiter swiftly appeared and I ordered us some drinks, as well as a bit of overpriced haute food and a pencil. After the confused pony had departed with our order Iron looked at me with amusement.

“How exactly does this get us into the hotel?” He asked, raising one eyebrow, “Because right now I can almost taste all those drinks you’re going to owe me.”

I grinned at him in return, “This? This doesn’t get us anywhere, I was just quite hungry.It’s the next part that will really help us.”

Upon saying this, I began to search the street, looking for the perfect pony for the job. It didn’t take me long, what with the amount of ponies on the street. A young colt, not finely dressed enough to be upper class but not dirty enough to look out of place. If I had to guess, I’d say he was an upper middle class brat, just high enough in the food chain to have the honour of being sneered at by his noble born superiors.

“Hey kid,” I called out to him, his head snapping round at the cry, “Yes you! How would you like to earn fifty bits for a minutes work?”

Hesitantly he walked over to us, “This isn’t some kind of trick is it?” He asked warily.

“Of course not,” I replied, “Just give me a second.”

The waiter had returned and placed our order on the table, along with the writing implement I had requested. Grabbing it, I began to quickly scrawl on a napkin, reading the message once back to myself before folding it up and handing it to the colt along with a handful of bits.

“Here, deliver that message to the receptionist at the Far From Raggedy. You can do that right?”

The colt stared in awe at the coins in his hoof before swiftly pocketing them inside his own bit pouch. “Can do sir!” He said cheerfully before trotting off and into the hotel.

Iron and I watched him go before turning back to our fancy meal. “Care to explain what that was all about?” The minotaur asked as he sampled what looked like the world’s shiniest salad.

“Not really, just give it a minute. Are you going to eat that?” I asked, pointing to his bread, which he was quick to snatch out of my reach. “Fine, suit yourself.” I grumbled.

A quick glance over at the glass doors of the Far From Raggedy revealed the chaos and drama that I had caused with a few words scribbled on a napkin. There was a self-important looking stallion, presumably the manager, shouting at a mare behind a desk, in all likelihood the receptionist. After wiping some sweat from his brow, the manager left through the front doors and walked down the street for a bit. His head flew from left to right as he attempted to see if anyone was watching in what is possibly the least inconspicuous manner I have ever seen. Finally he decided to duck into an alleyway and apparently stay there.

“I’ll be right back.” I told Iron, standing up and quickly throwing my coat off, much to the shock of the fancy cafés clientele. Apparently being naked is fine to them but when you start taking clothes off you’ve gone too far.

Ignoring the stuck up ponies I turned the coat inside out and slipped it back on, enchanted side facing outwards, before stepping into the crowd of moving ponies, shifting seamlessly into the crowded space.

After flowing gracefully through the crowd, I reached the alleyway where the nervous manager was waiting. I approached him whilst sticking to the shadows, finally speaking to announce my presence.

“You got my message then?” I said in an overly gruff voice.

“Y-yes.” He stammered in reply, “If I m-may ask, what does Captain Gang Plank want with me? I’ve paid everything he’s asked, we all have.”

“Aye, and a very good thing you have done so as well,” I wasn’t overly surprised that the rich were paying protection money to the scary pirate. They didn’t care who suffered, so long as they were protected. “Though now the good Captain has some information that you may be interested in hearing...for a price.”

“What sort of information?” The stallion asked hesitantly, still peering into the shadows to try and make out who he was talking to.

I let out a harsh laugh “Well if I went and just told you, what would be the point in asking for payment. Bits first, then you get to hear the big scoop. Nothing in life is free after all.”

The stallion reached inside his suit with a shaking hoof and pulled out a small bag of bits, tossing it to the floor in front of him with a small jingle. “There, now tell me.” He demanded. Apparently being forced to part with his money had given him a bit of backbone.

“The good Captain has caught wind of a certain traveler that will be arriving in the city soon. He and his companions serve as the journalists and inspectors for an elite Canterlot travel agency, though we don’t know which one.” I could see the effect my words were having on the manager. A sheen of sweat had appeared across his brow and his legs were shaking in their hooves. “He should be arriving later today and, if our sources are correct, he will be staying at your hotel. I’m sure you know that to do with this information.”

“But...but who is he? What does he look like?” The manager demanded, looking almost ready to leap forward.

“He’s quite easy to recognize really. The agency have decided to hire a foreigner, to throw off any suspicions on the part of hotel managers like yourself. Apparently, he looks like nothing you’ve ever seen before and is travelling with a minotaur and two ponies, one of them quite injured. Now then, good luck to you. I shall take my leave.”

I fell silent for a bit, watching from the shadows as the manager scurried off and back to his hotel. Once he had gone I chuckled slightly and reached down to pick up the bit pouch he had left behind.

“That was way too easy.” I muttered to myself, not overly satisfied with the simplicity of my little trick. “Ponies are far too stupid for their own good.”

I put the pouch inside my jacket and returned to Iron, whistling a tune to myself as I went.

“Okay, I think we’re all ready now.” I announced upon my return, getting another confused look from Iron. He sure had been looking confused a lot today, I wonder if I had something to do with that.

Regardless, he picked up Swift Storm again whilst I flipped my coat around. We then went inside the hotel and saw, to my amusement, the flustered manager heading our way.

“Honoured guests,” He said immediately, “I would like to offer you the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to stay in our finest penthouse suite, absolutely free!”

Iron looked at me in shock, whilst I just shot him a smug grin. “Isn’t it already booked though?” The minotaur asked.

“It just opened up.” The stallion responded with a nonchalant smirk. Behind him I could see security escorting a very rich looking, and very angry pony off of the premises.

“How wonderful.” I said, adopting my best ‘posh’ accent. “If you would be so kind as to show us the way, that would be delightful. Also, would you be able to find a medical professional for my friend? I’m afraid the journey here was not so kind on him. He looks like he’s been through the wars a bit, no?”

“Oh ôui ôui.” The manager responded with an eager nod of his head. "I’ll have the best doctor in the district sent up to your room, along with complimentary champagne.”

I threw on a gentle smile and tapped him condescendingly on the head with one hand. “Marvelous darling, I can see that we are going to get along just fine.”

The manager began to order his people about and, before Iron even had time to consider how badly he had lost the bet, we were seated on fine seats in the penthouse suite, glasses of champagne in our hands and the finest view of Manehatten that lying could buy stretched out before us.

“Now then, what have we learned today?” I asked Iron in a patronising manner before taking a sip of my drink.

“Don’t bet against you,” He responded grumpily, laying his own drink to one side, “You cheat.”

Damn straight I do.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
BackgroundBrony
Lanafilly
Garion

The Old Guard

Summer threw one glance over her shoulder as she walked away from Ace and Iron, seeing the satyr talking animatedly to the rather stoic minotaur. She smiled once before turning back and trotting along the familiar path towards the Manehatten Guard barracks, confident that her boys would be safe without her.

Her boys… When had that happened?

Even when she had been part of the Guard, Summer had never really been close to anyone. Sure, she had comrades but no one that she really would have considered to be a friend. To the young unicorn, this had been perfect. After all, she was better than all the other soldiers, being friends with them would just hold her back. Her time in the Diamond Dog mine had eradicated this part of her. The hot-headed young Guard that had originally been captured was gone, replaced with the determined warrior who knew that much more could be accomplished with friends by her side than without.

If Ace and Iron hadn’t shown up…

Summer shook such depressing thoughts from her mind, focusing on her original purpose. This was her city, her home. If she ever wanted it to be safe again then she would have to be resolute in her goals.

The streets practically cleared themselves as she trotted briskly along, one glance at the lightning mage’s eyes told ponies that it would be best for them if they simply got out of her way. Criminals also began to disappear as she passed. Any shady dealers that dared to operate in the Upper District felt a sudden, deathly chill go up their spines as she approached, followed by the distinct impression that today was a good day just to spend in bed and not do anything illegal.

By the time she reached the area that the barracks was located in, all signs of illegal activity on the street, the little glances and sly dealings that Guard officers are trained to be able to pick up, had completely disappeared. Still, Summer was not happy. There shouldn’t have been any signs of criminal activity at all, not if the Guard were doing their jobs right.

Filled with righteous anger, the fierce unicorn walked through the gateway that led to the wall-enclosed barracks, ready to unleash her fury on whoever had been incompetent enough to allow crime to seep into Manehatten.

And then she stopped.

Her eyes widened and her anger drained out of her as she beheld what had become of the Guard barracks. The training dummies that had once stood proudly in the courtyard like sturdy sentinels were gone, the only sign of their fate being the pile of broken wood barely covered by a tarp in one corner. The windows that had once gleamed in the sunlight were now smashed, bits of glass left dangerously on the floor and the void they had left hastily covered by planks of wood. The gutters and walls of the fine institute, which Summer remembered cleaning a lot as punishment during her training here, were now broken and defaced, streaks of red paint from the graffiti smeared down the wall like blood.

However, the most noticeable thing, the thing that completely stood out from the horrible condition of the building and grounds, was the sheer lack of life that the place had. Summer could remember how this courtyard had once been filled with enthusiastic recruits, ponies whose sense of justice never even wavered for a minute, despite how much the drill sergeant had shouted their incompetence at them. She remembered proud officers looking out from the balcony that had once stood on the second level, staring out over the peaceful city that they had helped to create.

How? How had it changed so much?

Summer began to slowly walk forward, as though she were in a dream, gently pushing open the broken door to the main building. She wandered through its dusty interior, trotting over smashed glass and navigating by the light of her horn, considering that no natural light could reach this dark place.

Just as she was about to pass the office where her old taskmaster, Captain Keep, used to use as his bastion of solitude, she heard a ragged coughing coming from within. She froze instantly at the sound, mentally berating herself for being so foolish as to not properly sweep the premises for enemies first. Lighting her horn with sparks of magic, she approached the door, opening it as slowly and as silently as possible. The occupant didn’t appear to have noticed her entrance, the brown back of an equine shape turned away from her as it rustled through a drawer of papers. Swallowing any nervousness she felt over the mysterious intruder, she aimed her horn and made a declaration.

“Freeze!” She shouted forcefully, “In the name of the law!”

Instantly, the figure let out a startled yelp and leapt backwards, tripping over its own hooves and flailing about in the air for a moment before landing on its back in front of Summer with a painful sounding ‘Thud!’ Summer found herself staring down curiously into the wide, haggard eyes of an elderly donkey, whom she immediately recognized.

“Hank? Communications Officer Hank?” She asked as the donkey’s own eyes widened even further, this time in recognition rather than fear.

“Summer! Can that really be you?” He quickly scrambled back onto his hooves to look her in the eyes from a more dignified position. “It is you, you’ve still got that fire in your eyes.”

“Tempered a bit by experience I hope.” Summer replied with a grin, happy to forget recent troubles for a moment at the sight of such an old comrade. Troubles, however, have a way of always returning to the mind. “Hank, what happened here? Where’s the Captain? Where’s the Guard?”

Hank’s eyes filled with terrible sorrow. “Gone.” He replied morosely. “They’ve all gone. Taken by those damn pirates. There’s just me and a couple of young fools left, the only ones that they would allow to stay. Everyone else...”

Summer stared at him, her mind aghast and her heart stunned. “How is that even possible? How could they have taken everyone?! Surely someone must have noticed something! Reported something!? There’s no way an entire city Guard post could go silent without anyone noticing!” By the end of her speech Summer’s anger had mounted to the point where she was shouting in Hank’s face, causing the donkey to cower away from her palatable fury.

“I-I’m sorry!” He spluttered out. “They made me do it! They said that if I didn’t then...” He let out a wracking sob, “They said they were going to take my daughter, Cecilia, and...and...” He burst into tears, too horrified at the thought of what the pirates had been threatening him with to continue.

“Hank? Hank! Look at me.” He attempted to avert his eyes from her piercing gaze. “Look at me! What did you do?”

“I...I forged documents for Canterlot. Kept up communications, made it seem like everything was perfectly fine here so that there would be no investigation. I’m sorry Summer! I’m so sorry.”

Summer walked over to the distraught donkey and stared down at him with harsh eyes, contemplating what to do with him, considering his traitorous actions. Finally, she made up her mind. She leaned down to him, her glowing horn still illuminating the room, and slowly wrapped one leg around his shoulders in a comforting hug.

“There, there,” She began, trying to soothe her old friend. “It’s okay, I’m going to sort this whole mess out. I’m going to find out who did this and make them pay. You just have to tell me something, how did this happen?”

The donkey sniffed and managed to recover his voice. “It was slow at first. We received some threats to stay out of certain areas, that it would be in our best interest to cease patrols around the docks. Captain Keep would have none of that though and decided to increase patrols instead, determined to find whoever dared to threaten the Guard. And then...and then Guards started to go missing. Just a few at first, worrying but not damaging to the overall unit. Keep ordered that we find them, hunt down their kidnappers and bring them to justice. Then more started disappearing, entire hoof and wing patrols at a time. We got a lead though, found out where those bastards might have their headquarters. The Captain mustered the remaining Guard and stormed the place but...” He trailed off there, unable to continue.

Summer patted him gently on the back several times. “Hank, I need to know.”

“It was a trap...no, it was worse than that. It was a massacre.” Tears from the donkey began to leak onto Summer’s fur, but she ignored it, focussing on comforting the traumatized Guard. “They somehow knew we were coming and had set an ambush. We strode in, so bright and bold, and they attacked us from the shadows. Guards dropped left and right. We couldn’t keep up with their numbers, or their ferocity. I saw Captain Keep go down, mobbed by a pile of attackers. He busted his way out and for a moment it looked like we might be able to beat them back but then...she appeared.” Summer felt like she knew who he was referring to, a certain dangerous looking pegasus mare. “She was fast, way too fast to keep up with. Before we could even blink she had taken out the Captain, stabbing him right in the throat with some weird hoof knife. His lieutenants were soon to follow, trying to avenge their Captain. The rest of us were quickly captured and taken...somewhere. I’m not sure where. That mare came to me, told me what they would do if I didn’t obey them...I’m sorry Summer, I didn’t have a choice.”

Despite her horror, Summer managed to keep comforting Hank, knowing that she had to be strong, both for him and for herself. “Who’s left Hank? You said there was others.”

“Just a couple of greenhorns, barely even trained. They joined after all this happened. Sad bunch of misfits, they seemed to have no where else to go.”

Summer felt some hope returning to her. If there’s one thing seeing Ace in action had taught her it was to never underestimate the value of a misfit. “Where are they now? Can you get them together?”

Hank pulled back from her, wiping a few remaining tears away and looking her in the eye. “Summer? What are you thinking? There’s nothing we can do, they’ve got people watching the Upper District. If we leave then...they’ll take us.”

“Can you get them though Hank?” She demanded, getting a nod in reply. “Alright, I’ve got a couple of troops of my own to collect. Just get the Guards together and I’ll do the rest.” She stood up fully and stared confidently past the donkey, seeing the broken remains of the Guard house. “I know we can do this. I will not fail, never again.”

Before Hank could say anything else, Summer had turned around and strode out. He considered what to do next, if he dared to follow her orders. Every instinct he had told him that he should sell her out, tell the pirates about her and save himself and his daughter. But...there was something in her eyes. Some fiery determination that had transferred itself over to the usually craven-hearted donkey. For the first time in a while, Hank felt like he could stand in the Guard house and feel pride, rather than overwhelming guilt. Raising one hoof to his eyes, he found himself wiping away more tears, but these ones were of a far different nature than his tears of fear earlier.

Nodding his head once, he went to work.

“You know what? I’m not even going to ask.” Summer said after finally tracking down Iron and I, finding us sipping champagne at the top of Manehatten’s finest hotel.

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best. I have a feeling that you would have a certain professional dispute with my methods.” I replied with a smile before offering Summer a glass of champagne as well as some popcorn that I had ordered to the room.

She took the glass in her magic and looked at the popcorn confused, wondering what such a common food was doing in such a fancy suite.

“Oh, it’s for the show. Just watch.” I replied before waving one hand at Iron, who let out a tired sigh.

“Ace is the most cunning and devilishly handsome being I have ever met and I spend every day trying to restrain my homoerotic passion for him.” Iron muttered in a resigned monotone.

I burst out laughing of course, almost falling out of my ridiculously comfy seat from the force of my convulsions. Summer, however, wasn’t laughing. Instead she appeared to be...

Blushing furiously?

I don’t think I want to know what is going through her mind.

I eventually got over my giggles and Summer banished whatever images she had been seeing to the deepest recesses of her mind. Iron continued to stay grumpily at the two of us, not finding any amusement in the situation.

“Hey, if you can’t take a little humiliation then you shouldn’t have made the bet.” I said, raising my hands good naturedly.

Iron looked like he was about to send some scything remark when Summer beat him to it. “As enjoyable as it is too watch you two act like children, I’m afraid that we have much bigger concerns.” She began to explain what she had found out at the guard house.

To say that the extent of this criminal conspiracy was shocking would be an understatement. Even back home no mobster would try to control the Old Bill, much less launch a full-scale assault against them. Criminals may hate the police but it was a rare few who would actually try to kill them, partly out of respect but mostly out of fear. Cop killers did not get a good treatment from the colleagues of their victim, that much was true pretty much world over. The fact that Melody had managed to do all of this indicated abilities far beyond the average criminal, further proof of what Lady Luck had told me. Até definitely had something to do with all this, it seemed like her sort of thing.

“So, what’s the plan?” I asked casually. “I assume that you have some sort of plan?”

Summer let out a surprisingly malicious grin, accompanied by an equally malicious chuckle. “Oh, do I have a plan. They’re not going to see this one coming, we’ll make sure of that.”

I couldn’t help but be glad that Summer was on my side.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
Lanafilly
Garion
BackgroundBrony (Who we are very glad to have back)

Public Speaking and The Dangers Involved

I’ve got to say, Summer’s plan was pretty damn ballsy. She knew that there was no possible way we would be able to hunt down all of Melody’s informants before one of them got a message out, so she had decided to go about it in an entirely different way. Iron, however, did not seem to approve.

“No. There’s no way I’m letting you do this.” The minotaur stated firmly, crossing his arms and staring down at the unicorn.

“I’m sorry but when exactly did you become the boss of me?” She retorted, raising an eyebrow at him, “I don’t recall you ever being in the Guard, much less at a high enough rank to give me orders.”

“Summer, you’re planning to put yourself right in the line of fire here. It won’t be safe!” He continued to protest earning a snort of dispute from Summer.

“Safe? What is there about what we do that could be considered safe?!” I was very glad not to be on the receiving end of Summer’s wrath right now as the look in her eyes could probably burn a dragon. “I’m not some little filly, Iron, I can look after myself. Besides, so long as you two stick to the plan then I should be fine.”

“That’s not the point dammit!” He roared back, throwing one arm out in anger. “If they get to you then what? Eh? What amazing plan will you have to stop them then? What are we supposed to do? What am I supposed to...” He trailed off suddenly, his anger seeming to cool in an instant.

Summer gaze seemed to soften as well.. “I expect you to go on. If I do...fall out there then I expect you to end this. Save my city and help my father...if I can’t then please...” She left the rest unsaid. There was no need to put voice to such fears anymore.

The overly somber tone in the room was beginning to get depressing, so I decided to do something about it. “C’mon guys,” I said, walking up to them, “Sure, the plan may be ridiculously dangerous. Sure, we might all die in a painful manner. Sure, we are going up against odds that are so far out of our favour that some might accuse the universe of playing favourites against us.”

“Ace...just please get to the point. You’re really not helping.” Summer interrupted me with a patient, if slightly weary, smile.

“Right, right. Anyway, my point is, despite all these problems there is still one big advantage.” I put a hand on my friends respective shoulders and gave them my best serious look. “If we pull this off, it’s going to be totally badass.”

The others stared at me, confusion in their eyes. Eventually I began to feel a bit awkward and lowered my arms back to my sides, staring back at my friends. “What?” I asked.

“Ace, what does a misbehaving donkey have to do with anything?” Summer asked, honestly curious.

Now it was my turn to stare in disbelief at them, before eventually bursting into laughter and walking away. Cultural misunderstandings, the bane of my life. Funny story actually, I was once talking to this French girl in a bar and she didn’t speak very good English so...

Let’s just say that the word ‘baguette’ got a whole new meaning that night.

I quickly banished such thoughts from my head before any reminiscing could get a grip on me. Old thoughts may be sweet but there are more present problems to deal with.

“So we’re actually going ahead with this?” I asked, getting a firm nod from Summer.

“Definitely. Are you ready?” She replied.

I ran my thumb over the cards in my pocket, which would hopefully be a last recourse. “As I’ll ever be. Iron?”

He let out a resigned sigh and gave a shrug. “I don’t like it, but I’m not going to leave you hanging either. I’m in.”

“Sweet, let’s get going then.” I said, turning swiftly to leave.

As I exited out penthouse suite I heard Iron’s voice, usually gruff and businesslike, say something far more gently than I would expect of the huge minotaur.

“Summer...please...stay safe out there.”

I left before she made her response.

Summer had never believed herself to be very good with public speaking. She would much rather be chasing down some low-down criminal than making a big speech on a stage. However, whilst she wasn’t in her comfort zone right now, she was still far from a shivering wreck. Determination filled her heart as she looked down from the steps of the vandalised Guard house at what constituted the Manehatten Guard.

Well, at least she didn’t have to worry about an overly enthusiastic audience, or a very large one for that matter.

Before her stood four beings that were dressed in what could possibly be called a uniform, if you squinted enough and cocked your head at just the right angle. The only possibly similarity that could be drawn between them was that, somewhere upon their body, they had the shield-shaped badge of the Guard. Depressingly, Summer noticed that one of the guards had seemingly attempted to eat his badge. Even more depressingly was the fact that the soldier in question wasn’t even the diamond dog of the group. That particular specimen of ‘how not to be a guard’ had his jaw hanging wide open, displaying his huge teeth and allowing a slow puddle of drool to form below him.

Hank had been kind enough to hand her the troops ‘dossiers’ before she had come out to make her speech. Unfortunately the ‘dossiers’ were actually just notes that Hank had quickly scribbled down on the back of old receipts and contained information such as what their favourite brand of biscuits was and how many sugars they liked with their tea rather than any bits of useful, tactical information.

The aforementioned diamond dog was apparently known as Biter, known as such because of his love of biting stuff. Hank had seen fit to note that Biter had arrived in the city after being exiled from his clan after some slip up or another, the punishment for which was to be de-clawed and sent out into the world alone. Apparently that was why Biter relied on his teeth so much as they were the only weapon he had left. Also, he liked to eat his tea, mug and all.

The next in line was an earth pony and, whilst Summer was usually glad to have a member of the strongest, most reliable pony races watching her back, this particular pony looked like he would be more suited to watching the counter of a shop. Preferably a very quiet shop, with nothing overly sharp or dangerous in it. Basically, the pony looked like he would be as much use in a fight as an origami swan would be in defending against the Wonderbolts. The dossier had named him as Shivers, which pretty much told Summer everything she needed to know about him. It had also told him that he didn’t drink tea, preferring to stick to water. An odd bit of information but every bit helps when assessing new troops.

Her next Guard was the only one that was looking at her without either fear, curiosity or some combination thereof. It was a griffin, and the glare he was directing at her practically screamed the phrase ‘SMASH THE SYSTEM!’ If the red anarchy symbol that he had dyed into his dark grey feathers was any clue, Summer would guess that he had problems with authority. What he was doing in a usually strict institution like the Guard she would never guess. Also, his dossier said that he was called Dread, which Summer kind of doubted. No parent in the entire world, no matter what species they are, looks down at a cute little baby and thinks ‘yup, he definitely looks like a Dread to me. Just look at the rage-powered angst in those adorable little eyes.’ He, of course, liked his coffee black.

The last member of the disappointment brigade was an overweight pegasus who, all too appropriately, was called Trifle. Summer supposed that he might be called such because of his ability to bake desserts, a suspicion that was backed up by his cutie mark, a triple-layered trifle. However, a much more cynical pony might point out that he also deserves the name due to how he probably scoffs the treats down. Good thing Ace wasn’t around, he may be a brilliant thief but when it comes to tact the satyr was a bit lacking. Trifle seemed to liked his tea sugary and his biscuits in abundance, which came as no real surprise. His was the badge that was marked with teeth marks, indicating either some confusion over the metal badges material composition or a terrible time when there hadn’t been enough biscuits in the cupboards.

“Guards...beings.” Summer began, addressing the motley assortment in front of her. “I am sure you are confused as to why you have been called here, allow me to introduce myself. I am Corporal Summer Storm of the Equestrian National Guard and I have something very important to ask you...”

The wiry earth pony grunted as he heaved himself up onto the the roof on his chosen vantage point, grumbling to himself the entire time. He didn’t see why he had to be the one lugging around an unwieldy crossbow and climbing onto rooftops. Didn’t they have pegasi who could do this? You know, those ponies who were born with wings and could quite easily flap their feathery flanks up here.

He continued to mutter various pieces of profanity as he got into position, lying prone and aiming his bow down at the group that had collected in the courtyard of the old Guard house. Blowing some of his dirty mane out of his eyes, he aimed down the sight and drew a bead on the mare at the head of the group, who was speaking loud enough for even the assassin to overhear.

“Do you consider yourselves to be Guards?” The unicorn mare below bellowed out at her troops, causing the confused guards to look sideways at each other. The diamond dog even pulled of his badge and lifted it up to his eyes, slowly reading the inscription to make sure it did in fact say ‘guard’ on it.

“Erm...yes?” The chubby pegasus answered hesitantly.

“Then answer me this Private! What do you guard?” She demanded, stomping over to him.

He had begun to sweat furiously, causing an impressive cascade of liquid to roll down his body. “The...the city?” His response drew a chuckle from the griffin beside him, who looked eager to see the mare explode at the pegasus.

“Correct Private!” The griffin stopped his laughter immediately as the mare turned on him. “What do you find so funny Private?! Is it perhaps the pathetic state of the Guard in this city? Is it the fact that this city appears to be run entirely by criminals?! What?!”

The griffin, unlike his pony comrade, refused to cower before the verbal storm. “Nah, it’s nothing like that. It’s just funny to watch Chubs over there get his fat ass handed to him.” He said, trying to sound as casual as possible.

The earth pony assassin was not struck by a conundrum. Who to shoot first? He could aim for the windbag of a mare and save everyone within hearing range from her tirade, or he could shoot the griffin and watch as the smug feather bag bled out. Decisions, decisions. Sighing, he eventually refocused his aim on the mare, since orders were orders and he definitely didn’t want to piss of the pony who’d given them to him. He’s seen what Velvet Melody had done to ponies who disobeyed her. Not pretty at all.

“Can’t believe I have to do this damn job. I should be way higher up, stallion of my talents. I could totally lead a ship. Tartarus, I could probably lead a fleet.” He grumbled some more, feeling slightly better as he imagined himself at the head of a fleet invading this dirt-ridden city and capturing whatever riches they had left. “Nopony appreciates my talents.” He muttered into his bow.

He almost jumped out of his fur as a voice responded. “I know what you mean mate. I mean, here’s me, more talented than Harry freakin’ Houdini, and I’m sent up here to knock out some whiny little pony with a bow. It’s a bloody disgrace is what it is.”

Whirling round, the stallion spotted the figure who’d addressed him, a strange bipedal figure who was simply standing next to him as though starting a conversation with an assassin was just an normal everyday thing. The stallion, remembering the large prize that Melody had promised if anypony could take out this chattering freak, looked down at the bow in his hooves before looking back up at the figure.

Grinning, he swung the bow around to point directly at the bipeds chest and depressed on the firing lever, fully expecting a bolt to fly out and impale his target, making him a very rich little pony indeed. As normal, there was the distinct twang of the bow firing, however it lacked the accompanying sound of a bolt being loosed and the wet thud as it hit its target.

Looking back at his target, he saw the bipedal freak was calmly twirling the bolt through his weird limb extremities and staring at the stallion with a disappointed look in his eyes.

“H-How in Tartarus did you...” The stallion asked, his loose jaw barely managing to work.

“Nimble fingers,” His target responded with a grin, “You really shouldn’t have taken your eyes off of me. Not even for a second.” There was a flash of metal as a knife seemed to almost materialize in the creature’s strange looking paw, which he brandished with a grin. “Nighty night.” He chuckled, as he swung at the stallion.

All thoughts of leading a victorious fleet exploded out of the assassin’s mind as the hilt made contact with the side of his head.

Around the back of the Guard house a figure moved with haste whilst being careful not to let his hooves make too much noise on the stone cobbles beneath him. Beside him, wrapped in his dark grey magical aura, was a sharp, saw-toothed knife. The unicorn grinned as he looked over at his floating weapon. This job was way too easy. All he had to do was find the Guard bitch, flick the knife at her with his magic and then wander off whilst all the incompetents ran around screaming about the amount of blood.

As he approached the courtyard he could already hear the sound of the target shouting at some unlucky fool. Judging purely by the fact that she was shouting as though she were some sort of stallion, the unicorn could only guess that the mare was one of those damn fillyfoolers. That would make this kill all the more sweet, seeing one of those unnatural freaks drown in her own blood.

“Well then, since you like hearing shouting so much, perhaps you would be able to answer me this question. What do the Guard defend against?!” The mare’s voice drifted by.

He let out a chuckle at the thought as he crouched in the shadow of the large Guard house, passing by one of the many boarded up windows as he was about to round the corner to his target. Suddenly, the boarded up window smashed outward in a hail of wooden shrapnel, pelting the misogynistic unicorn with splinters, causing him to yelp in pain.

This, however, turned out to be the least of his concerns as the reason for the wooden board’s sudden eruption soon made itself apparent. A huge, muscled arm, ending in a hand so large it could have crushed the unicorn’s head with a single squeeze, shot out of the window and grabbed the side of the pony’s face. With a single quick pull the stallion’s head was sent smashing into the wall of the Guard house, instantly knocking him unconscious. The hand let go of the pony and he dropped to the ground, his face sliding roughly down the side of the wall, a disgusting line of blood trailing down behind him.

Grunting, Iron Will squeezed himself through the window and out of the Guard house that had just served as his ambush point. Critically, he inspected his victim before, once satisfied that he had been pacified, picking up the unicorn’s knife and running a professional eye over it. The blade was shoddy work, barely fit for scrap metal compared to what a minotaur could churn out. Sighing, he threw the knife through the window for safekeeping before looking down at the unicorn at his hooves. With a careless shrug, he lifted the pony in one hand and threw him into the Guard house as well, also for safekeeping, before lifting his head to pick up the rest of Summer’s speech.

“I’ll tell you what Guard’s defend against! Crime, corruption, enemies to all innocents! These are what we must be vigilant against and yet these are the very things that threaten this city as we speak!” Summer shouted, her voice inspiring Iron and bringing a smile to his face.

Her speech may be terrifying the recruits in front of her but to Iron it was like music to his ears.

Summer looked down at her Guards, her glare, which had so far been burning, softening slightly, as did her voice. “So I ask you,” she continued in a much more reasonable tone, “Which of you will join me? Which of you will stand beside me as we wipe the corruption from this city? Which of you will be counted amongst the bravest of heroes?”

She took a deep breath and fixed each of them with serious eyes. A smile almost lit up her face when she saw the determination that met her gaze. Even Shivers, the cowering earth pony, managed to meet her stare with his own, some hidden reserve of strength filling his eyes. Just one more line and she would have them, heart and soul.

“In short, which of you...will be Guards?”

The affirmative shout that she got in response was impressively deafening, considering it was only produced by four sets of lungs.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
BackgroundBrony
Garion
Lanafilly

Window Shopping for Swindlers

After managing to get down off the rooftop I had climbed up onto, which was not easy considering I was trying to carry both an unconscious pony and a crossbow with me. Eventually I just decided to drop the object of lesser value and climb down one handed. A couple of seconds later the assassin slammed into the ground, which expedited my descent further when I realised his unconscious form made an almost perfect landing cushion.

Unethical treatment of prisoners? Maybe. Very ethical treatment of dirtbag pirate assassins? Also maybe. Life is full of these little moral uncertainties, some of which you don’t have much time to consider as you are leaping down onto the fleshy body of your living crash mat.

As I approached the group of Guards, crossbow balanced on one shoulder and dragging the assassin through the dirt behind me, I got a smirk out of Summer.

“So, I see the great pirate hunter bagged his prize.” She stated, running a curious glance over the pony I was dragging.

“Aye,” I smiled back, glad to see that her speech had gone okay, “And to the victor goes the spoils.” I hefted the crossbow into a two handed grip and looked over the weapon before letting out a grimace at it. “Nasty bloody weapon. Did you know that the crossbow was banned by the Pope? Apparently, it was a dishonorable, cowardly weapon and had no place in the ‘honourable glory’ of warfare.”

I got some confused glances from the Guard recruits for this. “S-sir?” The chubby pegasus managed to utter, “What’s a Pope?”

“Some kind of rabbit I think.” The griffin responded.

“Eat?” The diamond dog added his articulate, yet pleasingly concise, input.

The half-eagle shrugged, “Yeah, probably. Don’t know how they taste mind you.”

“Like chicken.” I said bluntly, cutting the conversation dead. The meat eating members of the Guard may have been fine with discussing such stuff but the ponies gathered were beginning to look a bit ill, although Summer had been around different species long enough for her distaste to be squashed by her sheer hardcore attitude. “So, we’ve got some Guards on our side now...that’s nice. Any idea what we’re going to do with them?” I asked Summer, ignoring the recruits completely.

“I have some ideas.” She responded with a mysterious grin before lighting up her horn and levitating a piece of paper over to me. “We’re going to need some supplies though. Reckon you can get us everything on that list?”

I quickly scanned the list before letting before whistling at the expense of the items present.

“Wow you sure don’t ask for much do you? Some people would spend a lifetime trying to get some of this stuff all nice and legally.”

“It’s not going to be a problem for you is it?” My surprisingly cunning unicorn friend said with a sickly sweet grin. She knew exactly how to manipulate people.

I was so proud that I had to struggle to prevent the tears of joy from escaping.

“Nah, it’ll be fine.” I turned to the griffin and hefted the crossbow I had been holding at him whilst muttering “Here hold this for me will you,” before turning back to Summer, “It shouldn’t take too long, I’ll meet you at the docks in a couple of hours. That alright?”

She nodded back, “Yeah, that gives me and Iron just enough time to put these rookies through a crash course.” Putting extra emphasis on the ‘crash’ part.

“Sounds fun.” I chuckled as a visage of shared terror crossed the recruits faces. “Listen, before you go all Captain Hardass on these poor sods, you should have a talk with Iron.”

She looked at me confused, “Why? About what?”

“I think you know what.” I responded with a flat look, “I’m reckless, not stupid. I can see signs of what is going on right in front of me and I think you need to talk to him.”

She frowned at me before giving a slight, almost imperceivable, nod.

“Alright then, don’t take all day.”

I turned around and began to walk out of the Guard compound, throwing one hand over my shoulder in a casual goodbye as I left. The note in my hand drew my curiosity again and I glanced at it, seeing the price range of the items again. Letting out a resigned sigh, I decided to get to work...right after I did a little personal shopping.

“Hey there,” I said as I walked into the carpenter’s shop, “Got another job for you.”

The old stallion looked up from his work with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “Not another spring-powered prank box is it? How did that work out by the way?”

“Like a charm. Your little device was instrumental in getting rid of a notorious and dangerous pirate,” I let out an easy grin, “In a hilarious fashion I might add.”

The carpenter chuckled softly, “I’m glad to do my civic duty, especially when it gets rid of some of those damn pirates. So, how can I help you today?”

“Little bit of a speciality item actually.” I said, drawing my deck of cards from a pocket. “I was wondering if you could make a special holder for these, something designed to be hidden up my sleeve. It’s also got to have some springs that can fire the top card off when I flick my wrist.” I showed him what I meant by moving my wrist forwards and backwards.

“Hmmm, well it’ll certainly be a challenge.” He said, examining my arm and the cards with a critical eye, “How exactly were you planning for this thing to work?”

“I dunno,” I shrugged at him, “I tend to leave this stuff up to people who actually know how to do it. However, there is one silver lining,” I reached into my coat and drew forth a pouch of bits I had stolen earlier that day, “I can pay you well for your professionalism.”

You could practically see the old pony’s eyes light up at the sight of a decent pay day, “Well, in my professional opinion, it’ll be a complicated project...and will probably cost you a pretty penny.”

“That should be fine. In a way I guess you could say that the city is paying for your work here.”

It’s a novel way to look at pickpocketing. I was technically doing the work of the Guard here so my earlier actions, those that most would call ‘thievery’, could actually be seen as very forward-thinking tax collection.

I’m not a thief, I’m a civil servant. You would be surprised how often the two professions share skills.

After finalizing some design choices with the carpenter, as well as having him measure my wrist and cards for the fitting, I left the shop to get back to the work that had actually been set to me.

The dress parlour was, predictably, very very frilly. It was so incredibly frilly that I’m surprised that the shop hadn’t grown sentience, put on a building-sized dress and sashayed its way down the street. The inside was pink enough that, should a pony be coloured pink, they would go completely unseen among the natural camouflage.

This, it turned out, was the tactic the fashionista who owned the store had adopted for hunting the prey she called customers.

My initial foray into her lair confused me as the store appeared to be completely empty. After looking round for the owner a bit, and finding nothing, I gave up and was about to walk out when I almost bumped straight into a smiling pony. Evidently her pink complexion had allowed her to go completely unseen among the interior of the store which, combined with her overly happy grin, put me in mind of the movie Predator.

I really hope that I don’t end up as a gleaming skull on one of her shelves.

“Hello there valued customer!” She practically shouted at me, sheer joy exploding from her voice.

“Erm...hi?” I replied, slightly taken aback by her enthusiasm.

“Greetings!” She said, her smile becoming a bit rictus looking in how fixed it was, “We here at the Beauty Boutique value each and every one of our customers.”

I began to suspect there was something behind this and decided to inquire a bit, “If you don’t mind me asking, exactly how many customers do you get here?”

Her grin wavered before falling entirely, allowing her face to return to a more natural, and far less terrifying expression, “It’s been a while,” She admitted with a sigh, “No one wants pretty dresses when pirates are running amok. Well, except for those rich prats in the Upper District, but they all prefer to order from designer shops in Canterlot.”

I grinned and pulled out another pouch from my coat, almost identically similar to the one I had just given to a certain carpenter. “Well it’s your lucky day. I would like to order a dress.”

She gave me a quick look-over with a professionals eye, “A dress eh? That’s very...modern for a stallion.”

“It’s not for me!” I blurted out, slightly too quickly. “It’s for...a friend.”

“A friend eh?” She gave me a conspiratorial wink, “Whatever floats your boat honey. Any specifics on what type of dress you want.”

“Something feminine?” I hazarded with the best of my ability. My fashion sense isn’t exactly the most honed sense I have. In fact, I’d say its right down at the bottom, just next to common sense. “Perhaps with a parasol of some kind?”

“Okay,” She frowned, “I think I might be able to work with that. Celestia knows I’ve had less decisive customers. How soon will you need it?”

“As soon as possible.” I stated, jangling the bag of bits to emphasise my point.

She eyed the bag appreciatively, “Well they do say that money will get you everywhere.”

“Really? I thought that was flattery.”

“That too...but the money always helps.”

Can’t really disagree with that. Money always helps.

“Alright then,” I said, snapping us both out of our daydreams of money, “If you could deliver it to the docks when its done, that would be great.”

She gave me an absent-minded nod as she turned to a tool covered table with a smile on her face, apparently happy to be working on a commission for once. I left the money on a table and quietly walked out, as happy to leave her to her work as she was to be doing it.

“Rats?” The pony asked with a deadpan expression.

“Aye, rats.” I held my hands out to an appropriate size, “About so big. Preferably grey furred with, you know, pink tails.”

“Yeah, I know what rats look like. I’m just curious to know why you want some. Not many ponies want rats as pets, they tend to be seen more as vermin than best friend.”

I’ll freely admit, the pet shop owner was possibly the most difficult pony I had dealt with so far today. It would take all of my wit and charm to win this pony over and convince him to give me the animals I needed.

In response to his inquisition, I placed a bag of bits on the table, one noticeable smaller than the ones I had used to pay the carpenter and the dressmaker.

I guess money is a perfectly acceptable substitute for charisma. The noble ponies who I’d robbed for all this money certainly proved that.

Just like that, all curiosity seemed to die in the pony as his mind filled with thoughts of making an actual sale. If there’s one thing that all the shopkeepers in Manehatten have in common, it’s that they’ve suffered harshly under the pirate’s regime. Less than five minutes later I was walking out of the pet shop with two angry looking rats in a cage, which I was holding as far away from my body as possible. Those little bastards looked bitey and I didn’t want my latest accomplices filling me full of teeth marks.

“I’m going to call you Iron,” I said, pointing to one of the furious rodents, “And you can be Summer. Yeah, I can’t see any problems happening with those names.”

Whistling softly to myself, I carried on my journey, heading towards the docks.

The docks are still a mess after yesterday’s fight, which was to be expected considering the general negligence of the city. It’s not like the pirates are going to employ janitors to keep the place nice and neat. Thankfully, the remains of Thick Skull’s ship had apparently sank to the bottom of the harbour, so at least I don’t have to look at that ugly mess. Also, Thick Skull himself still hadn’t shown up, so that was another ugly mess I was spared from having to look at.

I was currently watching from the shadows of an alleyway as various small vessels loaded and unloaded cargo. My eyes scanned the rather pathetic collection for a suitable mark, though the universe wasn’t exactly being forthcoming with easy targets. Some of the boats were too small, some too large, others were filled to the brim with potentially violent ponies.

I think I now know how Goldilocks felt...except with ponies instead of bears.

Of course, this led me onto the tangential thought of ‘What if My Little Pony was done with bears instead?’ They could be bears that are really concerned about others around them and instead of Canterlot they could have a city called Care-a-lot. Oh, and they could also have Cutie Marks but on their stomachs instead of their flanks.

Shit...I think I just made up the Carebears.

I was snapped out of my daydreams of bypassing copyright law to make millions from my new idea ‘The Bears that Care’ by the sound of a shouting coming from further down the dock. Curiously, I observed one stallion, presumably the captain of the vessel on which he stood if his fancy hat was any indication, giving what some would call a stern talking to, and others would more appropriately name a ‘complete bollocking’, to a rather young looking sailor pony who had apparently dropped a barrel. From listening in on their conversation I managed to pick up the words ‘Gang Plank’ and ‘guts for garters’, which led me to a simple assumption that these kind folks were, in fact, pirates.

Well I guess I have my mark then.

“Excuse me!” I called, stepping out from the shadows and walking over to them at the brisque pace usually reserved for busybodies and government officials. “I say! Excuse me sirs!”

They finally turned to look at me as I hurried over to their ship. “What?” The captain shouted, none too politely.

“I’m sorry to interrupt you gentlemen but you simply can’t unload your cargo quite yet.” I called up to them, concealing the rat’s cage behind my back.

“What?” The captain repeated himself, “On whose orders?!”

“On the orders of the Manehatten Board of Health and Safety.” I replied calmly, channeling my inner bureaucratic asshole. “We’ve had reports - disturbing reports mind you - of ships in the area bringing in rats. Rats of all things! Filthy disease carrying vermin.”

The captain leapt from his ship, revealing himself to be a pegasus, and flew over to me. “Rats ya say? I ain’t got no rats aboard me ship. I keep her spick and span I’ll have you know.”

“I think I’ll be the judge of that.” I replied, looking down my nose at him, “We found these little blighters earlier today you know.” I pulled the cage out from behind my back and thrust it towards the pony, who stumbled back at the sight of the rodents inside clawing at their confinement. “Disgusting little vermin aren’t they? Apparently, some of them grow big enough to eat a foal in one bite. I’ve never seen such a thing of course but I have a buddy down in Stalliongrad who says they grow as big as alligators down there.” I shook the cage slightly, getting angry hisses and more clawing from the rats inside. “Although, these little ones don’t need size to kill you. A single bite from a disease carrying rat like these two and before you’ll know it your body turns against you.” He took a step back and I advanced to kill the gap, “Your lungs start to fail and your throat closes up. Black boils the size of snails begin to grow under your skin, squirming and moving around as though they were alive. Blood and pus begins to leak from places you didn’t even know they could come from.” I held the cage up to my eye level and inspected the rodents inside as though I was a connoisseur examining a fine wine. “They say that the victims of these diseases end up begging for death, but their illnesses refuse to kill them.”

“A...And what happens to them?” The captain asked nervously, all trace of the strong, macho pegasus gone. The threat of disease does that to people. It’s not something you can beat up, no matter how many muscles you have, and it can take the young and strong as easily as it takes the old.

“Well, usually a loved one, someone brave enough to approach the poor sods, tries to end their pain. Although, they inevitably end up contracting it themselves.” I gave a sad sigh and shook my head. “Eventually we have to burn down the entire house, just to try and stop the disease.” I paused for effect before looking up with an unhealthy smile on my face. “Tell me my good captain, do you have family in the city?”

Surprisingly, the pirate nodded, “Yes, a daughter.” He said, his voice nearly breaking at the thought of what could happen to her if disease did get loose in the city.

“Ah, well after a quick screening of you and your crew I’m sure that she’ll be pleased to see her old dad safe and sound from his travels. Your ship, of course, I’ll have to impound for a couple of days whilst I get some lads from the Department to give it a thorough search.” I gave him a conspiratorial wink, “After all, you can’t be too careful when it comes to these things can you?”

He was quick to agree with me, “No, you really can’t.” He said in his wavering voice. “Please, do anything you think is necessary. Except...” He paused and looked around nervously, “Well, you shouldn’t really go poking around in the cargo barrels. For your own safety.” He returned my conspiratorial wink with one of his own, his eye moving so rapidly I thought he might have some kind of nervous tic.

“Of course,” I lied through my teeth at him, “Discretion is my middle name.”

The rest of the process was simple. After giving each member of the small pirate crew a quick once over and pretending to know how to actually find diseases in fur, I let them go on their merry way into the city, leaving me with their ship. I leaned over the rail and looked out into the sea, admiring the view from the helm of my new boat.

Now just to enact the rest of the cunning plan.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7

A Plan of Questionable Practicality

Having breathed in enough of the salty sea air to fill the salt shakers of every chip shop in North London, I decided to have a poke around the ship whilst waiting for the others to show up. The dressmaker from the Beauty Boutique had dropped by earlier and, after noticing me sitting atop one of the ships, had come over and given me the dress I had ordered. I gave her a tip for her troubles and, after giving me one last funny look for ordering a dress, trotted away.

The dress itself was, depressingly, a pink monstrosity that had more frills than any reasonable piece of clothing should. What was with that mare and frills? Seriously, I think she might have some sort of addiction. Still, it seemed functional and, as an added bonus, it was adjustable, which was great considering the range of beings that might be wearing it. It came with a parasol as well which, from my limited understanding of fine dress, was a bit like an umbrella except terrible at keeping out the rain.

After growing bored with the outfit I decided to have a look at the cargo. To be specific, the barrels that I had been explicitly told not to look at for my own good. To be fair though I’ve never been very good at following orders. Apparently I have problems with authority, though I don’t really consider it to be a problem; they give orders and I completely ignore them, simple really, no problems there.

I approached the nearest crate and drew my knife from behind my back, slipping it under the lid and levering it up before lifting it fully. Inside, stacked in neat rows and packed with straw, lay many bottles of what looked like fine wine. From the fancy label on the bottle to the authentic aged cork in the top, they screamed high class in a voice that could rock a noble’s party. Eagerly I grabbed on of them and lifted it up, admiring the bottle and giving a quick read of the label, which proclaimed it to be a brand called ‘Zebrican Red.’ I’d never heard of it of course but booze was booze and fancy booze is better still. I stabbed my knife into the top of the cork and wrenched it out, lifting the bottle to my lips and taking a deep drink.

I swirled the liquid round my mouth for a moment, taking the time to enjoy it like a connoisseur. Then I stopped, my eyes widening as it hit my taste buds in full force. Great Gods, this stuff was foul!

I quickly spat out the mouthful I had, throwing the bottle to one side as I began to quickly wipe any last vestige of the foul stuff off my tongue. After recovering from my state of disgust I looked down at what I had recklessly drank and spat out. Rather than the rich red wine that should have been there, a foul black tar polluted the floor, shimmering oddly in the candlelight. Some sort of oil perhaps, being smuggled in under the guise of fine wine? But who would need oil so badly that they would be willing to go to such lengths for it?

These superstitions were completely blown out of the water when the oil began to act strangely. Before my very eyes its tar-like form seemed to shift, the globule I had spat out shifting and moving across the floor like a worm. I couldn’t help but watch in sick fascination as it reconnected with the main body that had been spilt from the wine bottle, forming one large puddle that simply sat there in the middle of the floor.

Definitely not oil then, something far worse.

I had seen something like this before, this strange tar. Back in Redtooth’s throne room, he had taken a large dose of the foul drink right before it killed him - killed him and then re-animated him as a puppet that is. This liquid had caused the Diamond Dog to turn into a complete monster and here it was being smuggled into Manehatten, but for who?

I carefully approached the tar puddle on the floor, watching the dancing colours that reflected in its surface. Carefully - oh so carefully - I placed the wine bottle next to it and scooped it up into the container. The liquid felt like nothing natural as it passed over the skin of my hand. I felt dirty just for touching the damn stuff, and I’ve been swimming in the Thames river so that should tell you something. Eventually the liquid had returned to its bottle, none of it escaping as it seemed unwilling to be parted from the majority. The bottle itself was swiftly re-corked and returned to its crate, after which I set off swiftly to the captain’s quarters.

After ransacking the place and searching through what felt like hundreds of papers, I found the one pertaining to this shipment. ‘To be delivered to Manehatten and then passed on to the East Equestrian Trading Company for delivery North’ the paper proudly proclaimed. I almost felt my blood freeze as I read the words. What were the chances of that being a mere coincidence? Someone was playing silly buggers with my life, sending me this way and that, and I felt I knew exactly who it was.

“Lady Luck and I are going to be having words.” I muttered viciously as I folded the paper up and put it in a pocket. I may be her Champion in this battle but I don’t especially enjoy being treated as a Pawn.

I much prefer to view myself as a Rook, or a Knight. Or perhaps even a King.

My reverie was interrupted as I heard the sound of hooves striking against the top deck. It would seem that I had visitors. Reaching behind my back and once again drawing my knife, for I was a wary fellow, I crept up the stairs and onto the top deck.

Thankfully, the sight that greeted me was not the murderous horde of pirates I had been expecting but instead Summer, Iron and the Guards. The various beings that made up the misfit protectors of Manehatten were armoured now, the shining gold armour of the Guard flashed in the sunlight in a way that some would say was ‘glorious’ but I preferred to call ‘fabulous.’

It’s only a small change of wording but I feel it makes all the difference.

Anyways, the fabulously armoured guards held far less fabulous, and far more lethal looking, weapons. A range of swords, spears, glaives and even a crossbow, the same one that I had given the griffin guard earlier.

“Well, you all look the part at least.” I announced myself, “And I hate to tell you this, as I’m sure it took you a lot of time to get that armour on, but one of you is going to have to get changed.” I indicated to the dress that was still sitting nearby.

As one, the Guards all looked at me, smiles slowly growing on their collective faces. Even Summer and Iron seemed to have turned on me. I looked at them, confused for a moment, before realisation dawned on me.

“Oh you motherfuc-”

I was still very pissed at my so called friends, though it had waned slightly over time. Having been forced into wearing the dress I had enacted the next part of the plan. I had climbed into one of the ship’s small lifeboats and began to row out to sea, quickly finding myself moving swiftly away from land as my anger fueled each beat of the oars. I couldn’t believe they would do this to me! I had planned for one the the recruits to be humiliated into wearing the dress, not me!

I sighed and consoled myself with one positive thought: at least I looked good in the dress. Most of those ugly bastards couldn’t pull it off half as well as me. It’s a disturbing thought but it is, at the very least, true. Also, even whilst wearing a dress, I still looked manlier than half of the Guard in their fabulous golden armour.

Feeling that I had reached an appropriate distance from the shore, I casually held the parasol so that it covered my head and face completely and began to sing in a terrible falsetto.

“What do you do with a drunken sailor,
What do you do with a drunken sailor,
What do you do with a drunken sailor,
Earl-eye in the morning!”

My voice carried easily over the calm sea, carrying the haunting melody of my voice far across the waves. I sung slowly, deliberately breaking the usual fast pace of the song, to create an eerie sound.

“Way hay and up she rises,
Way hay and up she rises,
Way hay and up she rises,
Earl-eye in the morning.”

I paused for a moment to listen out carefully, ignoring the echo of my own voice. Distantly, I could hear the splashing of oars as an unseen ship moved through the sea, heading towards me.

“Shave his belly with a rusty razor,
Shave his belly with a rusty razor,
Shave his belly with a rusty razor,
Earl-eye in the morning!”

It wasn’t long before the ship came into sight. A large vessel with a wicked tip at its nose, which seemed to serve as some sort of lance as it cut through the waves towards me. Judging from the sheer weight and point of the nosepiece, it was designed to slam into other ships, with unfortunate results for the victims of such assaults. A raider vessel if I ever saw one, I didn’t even need to see the pirate flag they were flying to know that. It was larger than the vessel that I had appropriated for the use of the guards, but not significantly so. If I had to guess, I’d say the crew would be no bigger than twenty to thirty ponies. Though I couldn’t be sure, considering I lacked any sought of familiarity with nautical vessels.

I ceased my song as the ship pulled up alongside me, not daring to look up as I heard the sound of various pirates galloping to the side to look down upon their new find.

“Well hello there little lady.” A slimy voice called out, “What’s a rare treat like you doing out on this wide ocean?” A dozen other similar catcalls and shouts accompanied his, enough to make a real lady faint in fright. Thankfully, I was no lady.

“Just a simple damsel in distress.” I replied in my best falsetto, which wasn’t really saying much. Still, the pirates seemed to buy the act.

“And what, exactly, would be distressing such a fine young example of femininity?” Oh god, I could hear the leering in his voice.

“Just a tad lost mister, and in need of assistance.” I called up, not lowering my parasol. “If only there was someone to protect fragile innocents like myself. Some sort of civil organisation - probably a public funded one - designed to enforce laws and catch criminals. But what would such a group be called? It would have to be something synonymous with protecting...something simple and short...something beginning with ‘G’...”

The pirates, who were thoroughly confused by now, glanced at each other. “Guards?” One of them suggested helpfully.

I dropped my falsetto and stood up in the boat, letting the parasol fall to one side so I could gaze up at them properly. “I was going to go with Gallant Law Enforcement and Civil Protection Service,” I quipped, “But yours is way better, thanks. Guards! Guards!”

At my call the Guard’s ship, which had been quietly pulling up alongside the pirates up till this moment, exploded into action. The griffin from earlier, Private Dread, swooped down from above, the unfortunate yet hilariously named, Private Biter held in his claws. As he passed over the assembled pirates he released his diamond dog comrade, allowing the canine to drop onto the group with a huge grin plastered across his muzzle.

I saw that all four of the dog’s paws were covered in metal, heavy gauntlets and boots respectively, which caused massive damage when he slammed into the pirates. Ponies went flying left and right as the dog laid into them with vicious strikes in what was a dictionary definition of ‘shock and awe.’ Biter even managed to display why he was called such when one pirate, whose reactions were quicker than his unfortunate comrades, managed to draw a cutlass and swing at the dog. Rather than wasting precious punching time blocking the attack, Biter simply clamped his jaws down on the blade and, with seemingly no effort, shattered it with a single chomp.

Whilst Biter happily reigned havoc at the heart of the pirates, Dread took up a position as overwatch, occasionally kneecapping various pirates with his crossbow or, if he was feeling particularly creative, swooping down to snatch a pirate from deck and tossing them overboard. One pirate had managed to scramble away from the melee and had almost reached a cannon when he was bodily lifted into the air by a pair of talons. Dread didn’t even bother to lift him very far before he seemed to get bored with carrying the pony’s weight and tossed him straight up into the air. The screaming pony ascended for a bit before reaching the pinnacle of his arc and descending rapidly, allowing Dread to catch him again and, before the pirate could even think of thanking his attacker turned saviour, pile drive him into the deck of the ship. The wood smashed around the stallion, leaving him trapped upside down in the deck.

The two shock troopers were not alone in their charge though. Iron, who had evidently taught them a thing or two about recklessly attacking large groups of enemies, had also ran forward. His speed and weight meant that his stampeding attack allowed him to charge right through multiple pirates before stopping to begin his usual tactic of ‘punch everything that isn’t a friend.’

Surprisingly, it was the support that the battle initiators received that really turned the tide of the fight. After their initial charge the three fighter’s damage output took a sharp drop as the pirates managed to recover their wits, more and more of them finding weapons as they backed their attackers into a corner. Just as it looked like the Guard’s efforts had failed, two more ponies made their appearance on deck. Shivers and Summer stood side by side as they strode forwards, the mare exuding confidence as they stallion struggled to maintain his composure.

Summer turned to Shivers and nodded once, the easily-frightened earth pony seemed to gain some bravery from his Captain at this. From around his armour he pulled out various miniature barrels, tapping them once sharply on the ground before he gave them a forceful roll towards small clumps of pirates. The grenades, for that is what they seemed to be, instantly released a thick white stream of smoke into the air upon reaching their targets. The pirates who were hit by the attack began to cough as the gas took a hold on them, rapidly shutting down their mental facilities until they fell unconscious on the deck.

Summer was, as usual, incredibly effective and destructive in her attacks. Bolts of lightning shot out from her horn, rapidly locking up the muscles on afflicted pirates and putting them out of the fight. Seeing a group of unicorns assembling against her she turned on them, firing a single bolt that hit the lead mage in the horn. After the electricity had completely scrambled the pony’s brain and rendered him unconscious it leapt to the next unicorn, and the next one, and the next one after that. Before they could even react to stop it the bolt had taken out the entire group, effectively ending the pirate’s magical support.

One particularly aware group of pirates noticed the effect that Summer and Shivers were having on them and decided to take out the relatively weak looking duo, or perhaps they just didn’t want to fight Biter and Iron. Either way, they banded together and charged the two Guard ponies, a stampede of hooves echoing out as they crossed the deck.

As they were about to reach their target, the final member of the Guard made his appearance. Slamming down from his concealed position on a cloud above, Private Truffles was quite a sight to behold. Armoured from head to hoof in what looked like the heaviest armour that could be strapped to a pony and not kill him, the chubby Guard didn’t look nearly as jolly as he had at the Guard house earlier. Now he looked like a juggernaut of war, his folds of flab contained within his titanic armour and his greatest weakness, his weight, now turned into his greatest strength. The collection of pirates who had charged the support ponies now slammed headfirst into the wide pegasus, who simply stood there as the collective momentum of seven well armed and fast moving pirates didn’t even make him budge. He didn’t even have to raise a hoof against them, the majority of them were knocked out just running into him whilst the others were buried beneath their allies in the pile that the impact with Truffles had created.

The fight was over in mere minutes. I didn’t even have a chance to get out from my boat and contribute. Although my frilly dress might have hindered my prodigious combat talents somewhat. Eventually I did manage to get aboard the ship after Iron was kind enough to throw a rope ladder down to me. After clambering onto the deck I received a number of humorous looks from the Guards at my attire. Choosing to play it cool, I looked down my nose at them haughtily.

“You are all merely jealous that you lack the sophistication to pull of such a look.” I said in my posh voice.

“Aye, you do look quite a sight in that.” Iron responded with a grin.

I strolled over to him, putting a ridiculous amount of sway into my hips. “Iron, we’ve talked about this. You simply must restrain yourself when you’re around me. I know I’m beautiful but you have to exercise some self-restraint.” I leaned in as though I was about to whisper conspiratorially, although I made sure that everyone would hear me, “I mean, what would the others think? It would be scandalous!”

Naturally, the minotaur’s face had gone totally red from my words, either out of anger and embarrassment. Iron may be good in a fight but in a battle of the barbed tongues I was easily the victor.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed some movement, a slight shifting of the door to the captain’s quarters. Striding swiftly over, I lifted one cloven hoof and kicked the door open, grabbing the quivering pony in the fancy hat and slamming him up against a wall. My knife soon found itself pressed against his throat as I looked him dead in the eye.

“You’re going to tell me where Gang Plank is hiding the rest of the Guard.” I growled at him menacingly, “If you don’t, then I swear by my frilly pink dress that I will end you here and now.”

The terrified pirate captain rapidly nodded his head, the erratic movements forcing me to move my knife away so that I didn’t accidently cut his throat. Accosted and attacked by a deadly cross-dresser. If there is any worse fate to suffer then I do not wish to know of it.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
Lanafilly

I'm going to go ahead and apologize for any errors in this chapter. Most of it was speed written in about half an hour and my faithful editors can only catch so much.

Relatively Merciful

The scumbag we had captured was quick to be forthcoming with the location of the remaining Guards. Apparently, Melody had decided that killing them would be a waste and had put them to work on a small island off the coast of Manehatten to mine away and collect gems there. The small isle was fairly out of the way, so much so that the pirate had to give us constant directions to lead us there. The presence of Iron standing menacingly behind him ensured there was no foul play. As for the rest of the pirates, well, ships have brigs for a reason after all. Admittedly, getting them all in there was a bit of a squeeze but it was nothing that a bit of elbow grease, thoughtfully provided by the Guard misfits, as well as my own masterful expertise at Tetris couldn’t solve.

With that problem out of the way, I took the time to change out of the dress as we headed for our destination. The pink thing may be perfect for infiltrating a high-society ball or a convention of crossdressers but for sneaking onto an island full of pirates it may be a bit out of place. I was now dressed in my usual coat and, to help keep out the chilly sea air, a red scarf that I had stolen from one of the pirate’s bunks. Despite it belonging to a pirate, it was surprisingly clean and well-made, it’s bright red colour still managing to stand out clearly. As I looked out over the sea, Summer came up behind me and joined me in leaning against the rail. We both just watched the sea pass by for a couple of seconds before she broke the silence.

“We’re doing well so far.” She observed.

“Aye.” I replied, waiting to see where she was going with this.

“Had a lot of luck so far though, won’t last forever.”

“Aye.”

“We’ll need a plan. A damn good one.”

“Aye.” I said for a third time. Sometimes I felt like my worth as a conversational partner was overestimated, considering my job could be done by a tape recorder. “Do you have a good plan?” I added.

She sighed and looked down, “No, I don’t. There’s far too many variables. We have no idea how many pirates are on the island, or what weapons they have, or what condition the Guards are in. Tartarus, I don’t even know if the rookies will be able to hold up.”

I looked over my shoulder to where the young Guards were talking excitedly about the fight, wild gesticulations going everywhere as they eagerly described their triumph.

“They did well.” I noted. I’d seen a few fighters in my time and those kids definitely ranked among some of the best. “I’d like to see what training you put them through to make them so good, and in so little time as well.”

Summer looked up at me and smiled, somehow managing to mix both kindness and ferocity into her smile. “Trust me, you really don’t want to know.”

Well that just made me even more curious!

“They’re good,” She admitted, “And eager as well, but they aren’t ready to go taking on an entire army. We need to know what we’re going up against and plan for it.”

“I think I know where this is going.” I muttered.

“I’m taking Private Shivers and Private Dread on a scouting mission. I know I don’t have any authority over you but I’m asking you, as a friend, to accompany us.”

I pretended to mull it over for a moment before replying. “Island full of dangerous pirates, bunch of rookies along for the ride, infinite possibilities for terrible deadly circumstances? How could I possibly say no?” I sent a grin at her before turning serious, “Besides, you’ll need someone to watch your back and, no offence to Iron, but he would be unsuitable for two reasons.”

“Oh,” She said, raising an eyebrow, “And what reasons are these?”

“One, he is far too large to be truly stealthy and two,” I took a tactical step away from the unicorn, “He would be far too absorbed in watching certain parts of your back.”

That tactical step backwards really helped avoid the buck she sent at me.

We landed on the island by lifeboat, Iron made sure to keep the bulky ship well out of sight whilst we rowed, slowly and quietly, onto land. After pulling the boat up, we took a little time to inspect our surroundings. The isle itself was truly tiny, easily capable of being crossed in about an hour’s walk. The landscape was dominated entirely by a mountain that rested at the centre of the island, looking completely out of place. Down its rocky sides, trees of all different shades of green grew vibrantly, making the place look more like a holiday resort than a pirate hideout.

What ruined the effect, was the black smoke of a mining camp billowing towards the sky.

The pollution made the approach incredibly easy, almost too easy. With the smog hanging above our target there was no chance of us getting lost or turned about in the forest as we climbed the slope of the mountain. Shivers, Summer and Dread had seen fit to remove their armour, the chance of the clunky metal revealing our position being too dangerous, whilst I had thoughtfully wrapped some cloth around my hooves and fashioned some other ninja shoes for the ponies. I was so generous like that. Step over Rarity, there’s a new Element of Generosity in town...and he’s using his title as an Element Bearer to lull everyone into a false sense of security so he can steal their stuff.

Yeah, I’m a saint like that.

Eventually we managed to crest a small rise on the mountain and look down at the entrance to the mining camp. It was, fairly predictably, absolutely covered in pirates. Some were lounging about, some were playing cards, some were wearing silly hats. Pirates on every shape and sizes stood about by various fires, some enterprising ones even toasting marshmallows on spits.

I never thought I’d see a pirate slumber party and yet here it is.

We crawled away from the ridge before any of the ponies below managed to spot us. I looked down at Summer and noticed her worried expression, seeing it mirrored on the faces of the two rookies, although theirs was tinted with a bit of fear.

“Got a plan?” I asked a little redundantly.

She paused for a moment and looked up at the only other entrance we had found into the mine, a large hole from which served as a sort of chimney for the black smoke, before eventually returning my gaze, “Perhaps, but there may be some slight problems.” She looked over at the recruits, who returned her look with one of absolute trust, or almost absolute trust in Dread’s case, “You two go back to the ship, get the others back here quickly.” They nodded and scurried away back to the rowing boat. “Ace...exactly how annoying do you think you can be?”

Well that is an interesting question.

“Depends what for.” I paused and gave it some thought. “I once got three Italian mob bosses to declare vendettas against me in a single day. I’ve got to say, the Italian’s really take vendettas seriously, though I guess they really should considering they invented the word.”

She blinked at me, “How exactly did you manage that?”

“I sang Livin’ La Vida Loca to them in an attempt to appease them with authentic Italian music.” I replied, “I learnt three things that day. Livin' La Vida Loca is actually Spanish, I am not very good at geography and the Italian mafia can be quite sensitive about their culture.”

“Okay Okay,” She said, waving one hoof in the air to cut off my rambling, “But do you think that you can keep the pirates attention on you for a good ten minutes?”

I hummed in thought before responding, “I’m not sure if I know that many pirates songs but I suppose I could give it a shot.” I cast a sly glance her way, “What’re you thinking of Stormy?”

“Stormy?” She asked with some disbelief.

“I’m trying out some nicknames.” I shrugged, “So, have you actually got a plan now?”

“Yeah, but you’re not going to like it.”

“I rarely do,” I sighed, “And those are my plans, I can only imagine that yours will be a step up. So, hit me with it.”

She was right, I didn’t like this plan. Although, if I had the sense of mind to actually bother attending a gym then I’m sure my fitness trainer would have loved it, mainly because it involved a lot of running.

I was hidden in some bushes above the pirate’s position, watching intently for Summer’s signal that the others were in position. After a couple of minutes I saw it, a faint shimmer of light blue magic from Summer’s horn, so dim that it went completely unnoticed by the pirate guards.

I took a deep breath and then leapt up from my position into view by the light of the various campfires. The nearest pirates wheeled round at the sight of me whilst the rest were quick to follow upon hearing my announcement.

“Breakin’ rocks in the hot sun!” I shouted, to the bewilderment of my audience, “I fought the law and the...” I pointed at the pirates and waited for them to finish the famous line.

Several arrows slammed into the trees around me in response.

“Wow, you guys totally suck.” I deadpanned, before breaking into a dead sprint away from their position.

My powerful legs allowed me to easily lose sight of the pirates, whose stomping quadrupedal gait worked against them over the rough terrain of the forest. The moment I was certain they had lost my trail I quickly clambered up a tree and waited, perched up in the branches, for a target.

It wasn’t long until one kindly came along, a unicorn with a crossbow held in his magical grip. He looked fairly young, though I’ll admit I’m not very good at telling the differences between ponies, if it weren’t for their colour coding I probably wouldn't be able to tell them apart. They all look the same to me.

Oh my god, I think I’m a racist.

Knowing that there was only one way to take my mind off my potential racism, I leapt down from my tree top position and landed on my target hooves first. The unicorn fell easily under the blow, collapsing to the ground with a thump and dropping his bow. Having committed a suitable amount of violence against the target of my questionable racism, I grabbed his bow and hid in some bushes, waiting for part two of my cunning ambush to play out.

It wasn’t long until another pirate stumbled along, perhaps even looking for his missing comrade. As he approached the fallen unicorn I took careful aim with my stolen weapon and, just as the pony held still to check on his companion, I fired. The bolt whizzed through the short distance between us before impacting with a meaty thump. The effect was instantaneous, the target collapsing to the ground and letting out a howl of pain as he tried to press a hoof to the wound. The bolt had gone straight through the knee of the pirate’s hind leg, which made it a bit difficult for him to cover the wound.

I stepped out of my concealed position and walked over to the injured pony, my hands shaking slightly from the adrenaline. I’d done a lot of exciting things in my life but I’d never been the freaking Predator before. Violence wasn’t my style, I left that sort of thing up to the mobsters and thugs who gave crime a bad name. To be honest, I’m not sure what disturbed me more about the pain I had caused; how good I was at it, or how much I enjoyed it.

I looked down at the screaming pony, squashing any excessive emotions that were running through me now. I had to shut him up some way, before he brought the rest of the pirates down on my head. My hand reached for the knife at my waist, the blade presenting an almost stupidly simple answer to my conundrum. One quick slash, that’s all it took. I’d seen men get stabbed before, it was shocking how quickly people died. A single wound in the right place and the fragile mortal form seemed to just give up and die. My mind as numb as my hands, I remembered the first time I had seen death.

I had been fifteen years old and living on the streets of London, fighting tooth and nail just to survive. Like most of the homeless, I would do anything to get my next meal, including theft. To my pride, I’d never used violence against a mark. I was quick enough that I didn’t need to. One evening a man had wandered into the alleyway where myself and a number of other homeless folk were spending the night away from the prying eyes of the police. I remember he was a large man, almost three times the size of my slim teenage frame, and drunk as well, violently so. He started trying to throw his considerable weight around and one of the older unhoused took offence to that. There was a flash of metal and the drunk stumbled back with a stanley knife wedged inside his fat stomach. There was no beauty about it, no glory or honour in his death. The old man, now a murderer, fell on his victim, grabbing the knife and ripping it out before plunging it back in again, and again, and again. It was amazing, in a horrifying way, just how energetic the old man was in his crime, considering his age and condition.

I blinked and was back in the forest, the injured stallion was quiet now, looking up at me and whimpering pathetically. My knife was halfway out of its sheath, apparently the slow rasping of metal that it made as it left its holster had caused fear to override the stallion’s pain and he was now staring at me with wide eyes, silently begging for mercy.

The hand that gripped the knife clutched it tightly, the knuckles turning white. I looked down on the pirate, who had undoubtedly done terrible things to good, innocent folk. I remembered the old man and the drunk. I wondered what Summer and Iron would think of me. I wondered what I would think of me.

I decided what sort of man I was.

Slamming the knife back into its sheath, I swung the unloaded crossbow into a two handed grip and raised it over one shoulder, preparing to bring the heavy wooden frame down in a vicious attack. I felt like I should say something momentous, something special, to commemorate my choice as a more merciful man. Seeing the pirate’s injured knee, I decided on the perfect phrase.

“Skyrim reference.” I muttered darkly, before smashing the crossbow down on the pirate’s head, sending him into unconsciousness and breaking the bow in two.

I dropped the remains of the bow onto the ground and knelt down next to my victims turned patients. Their breathing seemed to be regular and they weren’t bleeding from their skulls. I believe that means they are probably going to survive. I let out a relieved smile and stood back up, wiping some loose dirt off my knees as I did so. I could hear more pirates stomping about as they made their way towards my position, no doubt alerted by their comrade’s screams.

I quickly shrugged my coat off and reversed it before slipping it back on, enchantment at the ready. On silent hooves I slunk into the forest, ready for the next round in the game of excessively violent Hide and Go Seek that we seemed to playing. The pirate’s interest had been well and truly piqued, no doubt they would be willing to chase me down all night after I’d taken down two of their number, which suited me just fine. After all, it was according to the plan. I sped up as shouts began to emanate from behind me, a grin appearing on my face.

The hunt was on.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
Lanafilly

This chapter took much longer than expected and was actually only finished at about 2:00 this morning. The main reason for this was the trouble I had trying to do the 'mercy' scene. Even now, after many revisions, it still doesn't feel entirely right but the deadline came up so I had to just go with what I had. Hopefully it still reads alright to you guys and was an enjoyable glimpse into Ace's past and his current morality. This chapter was brought to you thanks to large quantities of sugar, the only thing available in my house for keeping me awake and writing since I'm all out of coffee.

"Mercy is the mark of a great man...guess I'm just a good man...well, I'm alright." - Malcolm Reynolds

Also, it's my birthday today...huzzah.

Bad Cliffhangers

Iron and the rest of the Guard stood completely still as Summer lit her horn. They remained thus, some not even daring to breath, as they heard various shouts coming from below, followed by the distinct twang of crossbows being fired. A couple of minutes later they released their held breaths in an explosive exhalation of relief as the shouts moved off into the forest, hunting down the distraction.

Summer let go of her magic and turned to her fellow Guards, assessing each of them in turn with a quick glance. Iron was, as ever, stoic and prepared, whatever rage he might have towards the pirates buried deep down, ready for when it would be needed in battle. Truffles and Shivers stood near each other, heads slightly bowed as they contemplated the violence ahead. Summer knew that ponies were not a naturally violent race and often, when violence was forced upon them, the herd instinct would kick in and they would band together against anything they perceived as an outside threat. She also knew that she would have to break them of this habit as, at the moment at least, their instincts were telling them to stay well away from the more racially diverse members of the Guard, which was unacceptable. The Guard couldn’t be fragmented at the moment, they were far too small an operation to survive any infighting.

Speaking of racial diversity, Biter was nearby, bright eyes, twitching ears and sharp nose focused on the forest below. It was well known that diamond dogs had some fierce senses about them, perhaps even good enough to locate pirates from almost across the island. For a moment, Summer considered if she had made a mistake sending Ace out without any backup. Surely the vicious bipedal canine would be able to help her friend? After a moment she quashed the thought. There was no place for emotions here, she couldn’t let herself get distracted from the mission because of worry over a friend. Like Ace, her mind coldly considered the statistics from a purely pragmatic standpoint. Ace could handle himself, that much she had witnessed, and stealthy enough to run circles round the pirates. She would have to just trust in him.

Finally, she came to the most ridiculous looking member of the group. Private Dread still clutched onto his crossbow, which he had become strangely attached to considering the short amount of time he had owned it, but this wasn’t what almost made Summer burst into laughter. What provoked that reaction was the giant oversized pair of goggles that he was wearing on his head. Summer wasn’t sure what race they had been designed for but it clearly wasn’t griffins. The huge lenses seemed to focus his eyes, making the usually threateningly sharp hawk eyes pop out to the point of hilarity. In addition, wrapped hastily around his beak was a bright blue piece of cloth, which was currently serving as a makeshift bandanna but made him look more like he had been muzzled. Naturally, the griffin wasn’t exactly feeling like the proud warrior of the sky that his people were reputed to be.

“Private Dread, are you ready?” She asked, rather unnecessarily. The griffin was ready to get the job over and done with so he could get out of his ridiculous getup. He didn’t give voice to this opinion however, his fear of a scathing rebuttal from the unicorn being slightly too high, and chose instead to respond with a tight nod.

“Alright then,” Summer grinned, “Let’s do this. Oh, by the way, if you drop me then it’ll be the last thing you ever have time to regret.” She warned with a sweet smile.

The nervous griffin responded with another nod, knowing that the goggles he was wearing no doubt enhanced the look of intense fear that had just shot across his eyes. He carefully shouldered his crossbow, swinging it onto his back by the sling it was attached to and, with a single flap of his wings, rose into a hovering position just above the quadrupedes below. Hesitantly, he moved over to his boss and, claws trembling with fear of both her and the large minotaur who was casting him dirty looks, grabbed her around her barrel. With his grip secured, he lifted the mare into the air, barely managing to restrain the grunt at the effort needed to lift another being. The last thing he wanted to do was accidentally insult his boss’s weight.

Summer lit her magic as she was lifted, causing another strip of blue cloth to rise into the air and bind itself around her muzzle, covering her nostrils quite effectively. With her mouth covered, she tapped twice on one of the claws the held her, the pre-arranged signal to begin the mission.

Flapping his large wings rapidly to compensate for the extra weight, Dread began to fly over to the large hole in the ground that the Guards had been hiding next to. The mine’s chimney continued to billow smoke into the air with complete disregard for the safety of the group trying to fly down it and infiltrate the mine, hence the masks and goggles. Dread gulped in as much air as possible before beginning his descent, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to breath in for the entire journey down.

Just before they entered the black plume of acrid smoke, Summer took one last look over at Iron, seeing the concern and worry in his eyes. She wished she could say something, anything, to comfort the big lug of a minotaur, but both the protective muzzle and her uncertain thoughts prevented her from doing so. Her eyes were forced shut as she entered the dark pillar of smoke, but in her head she could still see the her friend’s concerned gaze.

Once this was over, she swore to herself, they were going to have a very long talk.

But for now, the mission came above everything else.

Dread let himself descend swiftly through the smoke, using only carefully wing flaps to keep himself balanced and, other than that, letting gravity do the work of getting them to the ground. He made sure to remain in control of the decent however, knowing that, somewhere at the bottom of this hole, there was very likely to be whatever was causing all this smoke.

He would very much like to avoid becoming fried griffin today.

After what seemed like an age of travelling down the smoke shaft, the walls changed, solid stone becoming blackened metal. Judging from the slight change of scenery, as well as the drastically increased heat, Dread guessed that they were now inside the actual chimney of the mine. One of his claws tapped his boss twice on the barrel, signaling to her that the next part of the plan was ready to go.

Below him, Summer strained to keep her eyes closed against the pervading smog and began to go against every magical instinct she had. Performing magic whilst blind was one of the many things that her instructors had drilled into her. It was dangerous, it was destructive and it could very likely end up with somepony dead, maybe even herself. However, in this particular situation, she would have to make an exception. Swiftly she channeled her magic, knowing they didn’t have much air left, and focused it into one of her most used spells, the lightning bolt. However, rather than the destructive beam of electricity that she usually used it for, this spell was adapted into a tightly focused line of energy, barely thicker than a pencil. Summer lowered her head and fired the spell directly forwards, trusting Dread to do the rest.

The griffin watched in quiet amazement as the beam shot from the unicorn’s horn and impacted the metal, which quickly began to glow red hot under the magic’s ministrations. Shifting himself about, he began to aim the unicorn, as well as the beam she was firing, so that it made a large circular hole in the chimney, cutting through the metal as though it were butter. He gave Summer another tap to indicate her job was done, at which point she shut off the beam, and moved forward himself. Having his claws full of pony at the moment, he resorted to simply pecking the circle of metal with the point of his beak, causing it to slowly fall backwards and into the furnace room.

Cries of alarm went up as the metal fell, pirates inside the room being alerted to their presence. Swiftly, Dread flew inside and, with one final tap, indicated to his Captain that it was all clear. Summer opened her eyes and ripped off her bandana, throwing it to one side as Dread flew low over the first two guards. Just as she had instructed him to, he let go of her in mid air, sending her barreling down towards the surprised pirates. They barely had time to react before three-hundred pounds of pissed off pony slammed into them hooves first, knocking them out cold immediately. Picking herself up, Summer could see why pegasi favoured the dive bomb tactic. Not only was it effective at taking down targets but it was also hilarious and a lot of fun.

One pirate remained in the room who, upon seeing his companions taken down by a makeshift living bomb, attempted to flee. His frightened hooves were no match for the speed of a flying griffin and he quickly found himself yanked up into the air and slammed into a wall, where he stayed for a moment before slowly sliding down and into a heap on the ground.

Summer surveyed the room once before looking up at the griffin she was proud to call her fellow Guard, “Good work,” She stated, getting a grin from the usually moody Dread, “Now get the others down here.” His grin disappeared and he muttered under his breath, flying back up the shaft at breakneck speeds.

It didn’t take too much longer for Dread to get all of the others down, although he needed the help of Truffles just to shift Iron Will and getting the huge minotaur down the smoke shaft was a feat of almost herculean proportions. Eventually though, the entirety of the current Guard were assembled in the smelting room, each of them ready and eager to go.

“Iron, you’ll be taking Privates Dread and Shivers down that way with you,” She indicated a tunnel leading right out of the room, “I’ll take Privates Truffles and Biter the other way with me. This place is too big and we don’t have much time so we’ll have to split up. If you come across any hostiles, take them down before they can sound an alarm. If you come across any Guards, release them and explain your mission. They should join you. Any questions?”

There was only obedient silence.

“Good.” Summer nodded. “Let’s get to it then.”

As arrows and bolts of magic slammed into the rocks around me, accompanied by the distinct flapping sound of approaching pegasi, I had to admit that this could have gone much better.

The chase had started off fairly simply. Pirates chased me whilst being loud and obnoxious, I avoided them whilst being stealthy, cunning and handsome. Easy stuff. The problem that really arose was simple mathematics, which has never been my strong suit. I’m much better at stealing money than counting it. That doesn’t really excuse my ignorance though, considering the ease of the math involved here.

Mainly, there was a lot of pirates but only one of me.

This equation got even more skewed when I factored in the fact that the pirates had both wings, magic and crossbows on their side whilst on my side I had a knife, my deck of cards and my own stunning wits. If it weren’t for that last item then they might have had a distinct advantage over me. So far I had managed to lure another six pirates into various traps, at one point even managing to get a particularly jumpy unicorn to knock out his ally with some sort of force spell. Hilarious.

It was whilst I was running along trying to figure out how to take out a couple of the pursuing pegasi that I ran slap bang into another problem. I mean that literally. The problem was a large vertical cliff face that I had just ran directly into. After stumbling back and muttering some choice curses towards the powers that be, I assessed my new position. As well as being the dubiously proud owner of a bloody nose I was now facing down a wall was almost two hundred metres high, a daunting prospect for someone who has never rock climbed before. I quickly looked around for alternative means of escape but the thick forest concealed any other paths. In addition I could hear the pirates, clumsy fools that they were, slowly closing in on my position, the noises of their approach seeming to come from a semi-circle around me.

Did they just flank me and box me in? Wow, maybe I’ve been underestimating these guys.

I turned back to the wall and began to grab bits of vines that extruded from its surface. Thankfully the overgrown state of the forest meant that the wall was practically covered in natural handholds, various vines and plants that grew from the the rock like determined and slightly confused gnomes. Gnomes grow out of rocks right? I’ve never been very good at mythology either. Mythology and mathematics...I wonder what other areas of study I’m deficient in.

Oh yeah, upper body strength. I would have failed Physical Education if I’d ever bothered to take it. Kinda wish I had now. The rope climbing exercises would have made this vine climbing much easier.

I was about forty metres up when the first arrow smashed into the rock face below me. It wasn’t nearly close enough to hurt me, the pirates having apparently attended the Stormtrooper school of shooting, but it was close enough to worry the crap out of me. I began to grasp at the handholds with even more intensity, hauling myself up as fast as I could. A couple of seconds later another bolt impacted below me, followed swiftly by a third that went just to the side of me. Judging by the time between the last two shots, there were now two bow-ponies taking potshots at me. That’s just great, shooting at me just became a team sport.

I wonder if there are bets going...I wonder if they’ll accept one from me.

I was sixty metres up and rapidly ascending when the pirates drew first blood. A bolt skipped off the rocks by my face, sending shards of shrapnel at my head. Instinctively I turned my head way, which may well have been the only thing that saved my vision as razor sharp splinters of rock cut into the side of my head. I repressed the instinct to clutch the wound, as letting go of my handholds now would be a foolish and fatal mistake. Instead I gritted my teeth and forged onwards, ignoring the blood that began to roll down the side of my head and mat at my hair.

A few more shots skipped around me, not having as much luck as the previous one. That is until one of the pirates decided to try a neat little trick called ‘aiming’ which was great for them but not so great for me. The first I learnt of this new development was when a flash of horribly intense pain shot through my body, causing my hands to spasm and almost lose hold of the wall. I barely managed to retain my death grip as I looked down and saw what had caused my misfortune.

There, sticking straight through the meaty part of my thigh, was a crossbow bolt. Naturally I looked down at it with some shock, barely managing to believe that there was an actual arrow stuck through my body. You know in action films when the muscled hero takes a gunshot wound and just grunts before using his manly testosterone to overcome the pain and carry on in the name of sheer bloody-minded bravado?

Yeah I didn’t do that.

“AHHHH!” I screamed eloquently. “HOLY SHIT! AGGGHHH! THIS REALLY FUCKING HURTS YOU BASTARDS! I’LL KILL YOU!”

Shakespeare himself couldn’t have put it better.

I wasn’t usually an angry person. In fact there is only a few things in the world that can damage my calm and provoke a violent reaction from me. It turns out that getting shot is one of them. I ranted at them for at least a minute, channeling all the pain I was feeling into anger. The arrows eventually let up, the archers evidently deciding it was more fun to listen to my wide range of curses and threats than continue to shoot at me.

“-WITH A RUSTY FORK!” I finished.

Down below, there was a stamping of hooves as the pirates applauded my rant, something I found both flattering and disturbing. Or I would have found flattering and disturbing if I wasn’t in such terrible pain. Even more disturbing was the fact that the applause from below was joined in with by more clopping of hooves from just behind me. Considering I was about seventy metres in the air at the moment, that could only mean one thing.

Freakin’ pegasi.

I looked over my shoulder and spotted my winged pursuers, who most have been hovering there for the whole rant considering the impressed looks on some of their faces, as well as the slightly green-tinted sickly look on the face of one of the younger fliers.

“Very impressive.” The lead pegasus said in a surprisingly calm and educated tone of voice. He sounded more like a professor than a pirate. Not just any professor though, the sort of professor who loves to talk down to people and flaunt his education in their faces. The sort of professor who would use the term ‘plebeian’ in a non-ironic way.

“Fly closer so I can strangle you.” I spat at him, still quite angry at this point.

“I’m afraid that won’t be happening. As you can see, you’re surrounded with no way of escape. You should give up now.”

I gritted my teeth and pressed my uninjured leg against the wall, bracing it firmly. “Is that so?” I replied, “Well you should know something about me. I never give up.”

With that I threw myself boldy through the air, hands outstretched as I headed directly towards the posh sounding pegasus. His eyes shot wide open as I flew at him, my face twisted in a vicious roar of pain and rage. For a moment, I emulated the greatest warriors in history as I flew myself recklessly at my enemy, ready to take him down with all my power.

Or I would have been, if the posh bastard hadn’t given one powerful flap of his wings and swayed out of the way.

My heroic leap quickly turned into a suicidal fall as I missed the pony and began to head towards the ground. The pointed trees of the forest and the hard ground beneath rushed up to meet me as I fell. A scream was torn from my throat and tumbled off into the wind that was whipping past my face. The anger drained out of me and was replaced by fear as the unstoppable force of gravity became my greatest enemy. There are only a few things in the world that can damage my calm; today I’ve added getting shot and falling from great heights to that ever expanding list.

Like I said, this could have gone better.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7

"Ha! The title is funny because of the double meaning!" - Said by no one ever.

Unchained

The diamond dog known as Biter was a hound with a unique view of the world and his position in it. For this viewpoint he held, many considered him to be stupid or slower than most - though most races thought that about all diamond dogs. Had he been a more argumentative hound he would have no doubt taken some offence to their preconceptions about him, but he liked to believe he was better than that.

If the order of Shaolin Monks had held the ability to peer across the dimensional gap and read minds, and if they had somehow managed to use these abilities on Biter, then they would have no doubt been incredibly impressed by the calmness of his thoughts. They would have marvelled at how this creature was so in tune with himself - mind, body and spirit - that all three aspects of the self agreed upon a statement so simple that it defined his entire worldview.

Biter liked biting things.

Currently he was strolling through the cave system behind Talky Alpha Pony with Chubby Cake Pony trotting along next to him. Being underground again was nice, Biter eventually decided, it was like being home, a place he hadn’t been allowed since they had kicked him out for biting the Alpha. In Biter’s defence, the Alpha shouldn’t have looked so delicious and plump. More than a few dogs had agreed that he was practically asking to be bitten, though not enough to save him from the Pack’s punishment. De-clawed and sent into exile, a fate worse than death for most dogs.

Still, Biter liked to look on the bright side of things, especially things like rocks, which he had always found much tastier on the sun-baked side. Things weren’t so bad for him now. He had strange Guard Pack now, and they were actually operating as a Pack should. Shouty Minotaur had taught them how to fight, which had been fun, and Talky Alpha Pony had given the pack a direction to head in. Directions were always good, without them a dog could get lost and accidentally dig a tunnel straight down into lava. The caves tended to stink of burnt hair for days whenever that happened.

Biter temporarily surfaced from his thoughts and realised that Alpha Pony had been speaking this entire time.

“Another thing you have always got to remember in the Guard is the image that you are putting forward to the rest of the populace. You are their protector and they will look up to you. Being in this position of responsibility means holding yourself to the highest standard...” She droned on.

‘Thank the Digger’ Biter thought ‘Thought I might have missed something important, but it is just pointless Talky Talk, not Fighty Talk.’

He had noticed, in his time among ponies, that the quadrupedal race were very fond of Talky Talk for some reason that he couldn’t fathom. The best theory he had going was that they were actually exercising their jaw muscles for the more important things in life, like biting and biting-related activities.

“I think we’re getting close.” Alpha Pony suddenly whispered, her words bringing a smile to Biter’s face. Close meant fighting right?

They rounded a couple more corners before reaching their destination, a long corridor lined with makeshift cages. Each prison held at least five ponies, chained and bound to the floor in the uncomfortably small space. Biter was no doctor, he wasn’t even entirely sure how pony anatomy worked, but he could guess that this treatment wasn’t good for them.

Alpha Pony galloped over to the nearest cage and reared up against it, looking in at the sleeping prisoners. “Guards!” She hissed at them, getting a few uncommitted groans in response, “Wake up! We’re here to rescue you!”

At the magical word ‘rescue’ the trapped Guard stirred, shaking their chains and standing up as much as they could in the cramped environments of their cages. A dozen bleary eyes stared up at the unicorn, filled with confusion.

“W-Who are you?” One cracked voice croaked.

“My name is Summer Storm, I’m with the Manehatten Guard. We need to get you out of here.”

There was a moment of silence before the same voice spoke up again, “That’s a cruel trick, pirate scum. You’ve taken everything from us, and now you’re trying to give us false hope. Just leave us alone.”

They began to crawl back into their sleeping positions before the mare shouted, “Please, it’s not a trick! I’m trying to help you!”

“Summer? Is that really you?” A voice hesitantly called out from one of the other cages.

Alpha pony immediately galloped over to where the voice had come from and, with a shrug, Biter followed her. He was slightly amazed, and disappointed, that the pirates were stupid enough to leave their prisoners almost completely undefended like this. He would have expected at least a few guards hanging around, maybe even some patrols going round. Clearly these ponies were nowhere near the level of professionalism that diamond dogs had...

...at slavery...

Biter paused and, after a moment of thought, decided that their high standard of slave taking was not something that dogs should be proud of.

“Sergeant Brick?” Alpha Pony asked, peering into the second cell. Slowly, a haggard brown face pushed itself into the light, it’s hair wild and it’s eyes looking bloodshot.

“It is you.” Brick whispered, sounding almost reverent. “How...how did you get here?”

“We snuck in to bust you all out.” She whispered back, an excited grin growing on her face. “With the full might of the Guard, we’ll be able to smash these pirates back down to where they belong.”

“You mean that?” The tired looking stallion asked, “You actually mean to take on the she-devil that killed the Captain?”

“I’m going to do more than just ‘take her on’” Alpha pony responded viciously, “I’m going to take that bitch down! Hard! Once we’re done here, she’ll be spending the rest of her life in a prison cell.”

Now that was the Fighty Talk that Biter loved to hear, so much so that he could overlook the slight racial slur towards his people.

“Alright,” The entrapped pony responded with a vicious grin of his own, “If you can get us out of here, we’ll be glad to help you.”

“But Sarge...” A whiny sounding voice started up from one of the other cells.

“Quiet!” He snapped at them, “We’re still Guards, and we’ll still fight. Now, getting us out of here won’t be easy. The chief pirate around here is Gang Plank’s second-in-command and he keeps the key to our cell’s on him at all times. He won’t be easy to defeat though, he’s a smart one. There are always plenty of bodyguards with him, not to mention he’s a dangerous fighter on his own. Smart too, not to be underestimated. Now then, I suggest a sneak attack of some kind, perhaps lure him away from the safety of his friends so you can get the key and...”

Biter, having got bored with the conversation already, simply leaned forward and clamped his jaws around the nearest bar. With a slight flick of his head, the preposterously strong diamond dog jaws ripped the metal bar straight out of the cell. A quick chomp of the jaws later and it was on the floor in two pieces, Biter happily chewing the chunk that he had kept in his mouth.

“...Or that also works.” The stallion finished, slightly flabbergasted.

“Good work Private Biter.” Alpha Pony said, looking up at him with an approving nod.

What had he done? He’d just got hungry and acted on it and now everyone was looking at him with a mixture of fear and respect.

A few minutes and a lot of biting later and the Guards were all free. Many had been wary about putting their chained legs near the huge jaws of the diamond dog but Sergeant Brick had quickly defused the situation by shouting various expletives at the scared Guards until they stallioned up.

“Right then,” Summer said, looking over at the small army that was assembled before her.

They weren’t in the best condition, many of them suffering from muscle withering after being locked up for so long, only allowed out to work in the mine, whilst others had ribs jutting out under their coats from the starvation they had suffered. But they were still Guards and, more importantly, they were pissed off. Many of them had picked up their broken chains, holding them in their mouths or around their hooves to be used as weapons in the upcoming battle.

“You all know what we need to do here. These pirates can’t be allowed to get away with what they’ve done and I know that you are angry, but I must remind you of something. You are still Guards and that means you have to hold yourself to a higher standard than the criminals we will be facing. That means no senseless killing, no matter how angry you are. You only have permission to use deadly force if your own life is in danger. I want to take as many of these bastards alive as we possibly can,” She gazed out at what remained of the proud Guard before growling, “They’re going to pay for what they did for a long time.”

The cheers that came from her troops threatened to overwhelm the ears of many present. Summer was thankful that Ace was keeping the pirates preoccupied, otherwise they surely would have heard that.

“Wakey wakey.” A rich voice said, just before a bucket of cold water was thrown over me. I gasped and shot forward, only to encounter resistance and be forced back down.

My eyes shot around the room, wildly searching and trying to figure out what was going on. I appeared to be in a large wooden room with bare walls and no furniture. I struggled against my restraints, which held me bound to a wall, but to no use.Standing in front of me, an empty bucket held in his magical grip, was a tall unicorn.

“Hello there” He said with a cheery wave of his hoof “You are awake? This is good. Why don’t I go get the captain and the two of you can have a lovely little reunion. She was most upset after your last escape. It is, as the Equestrian saying goes “Tartarus has no fury like a mare scorned’ correct?”

He stepped out for a moment and I heard voices coming from the corridor before he returned, a wicked grin still on his face.

“Luckily, she was already on her way so she won’t be long. Well, luckily for me that is. Means I don’t have to wait as long for the fun to begin. Not so lucky for you I am thinking, yes?”

“Yes?” I said a little hesitantly, not sure if he was actually asking me a question or if it was just part of his strange accent.

“Yes.” He replied with a happy nod. “Unless you are one of those who...how should I put this? Enjoy pain? Yes?” He nodded again, apparently happy with his statement. “Though this should be not too much of a barrier for my great skill.” A wicked grin appeared on his face, completely at odds with his soft, rich voice. “After all, there is only so much pain that can be enjoyable.”

“So you're what? Her personal torturer? Strange, she always seemed like more of a hooves on sort of mare to me. Wouldn’t have thought she’d like others around cramping her style.”

To my surprise he simply chuckled at this, “Yes, the good Captain is, how you say, hot-headed. Her passion is inspiring, truly inspiring. But, at same time, she knows when to bow to superior skills, which is where I come in. I am not just torturer you see, I am artist.”

“An artist eh?” I said with a raise of my eyebrow, “You wouldn’t happen to be one of those bloody modern art lovers would you? I never understood that whole craze.”

“In a way you could say my art is the most modern, since it is always adapting,” He replied with an amiable chuckle, “And yet, at the same time, it is one of the oldest arts known. My name is Kowelth Gatar Nolis and I am an artist of pain.” All while he said this that damnable smile never left his face.

Once his introduction was done, the door burst open and an angry, yet all too familiar, mare stormed in. Melody hadn’t got any prettier in her brief absence, though that might just be the scowl that was plastered across her face.

“You should smile more.” I told her with a smile of my own, “It’ll really bring out your eyes.”

Her scowl never wavered, “Start now,” She growled at Nolis, who looked surprised at her demand, “No waiting around this time. I don’t want him escaping again. You’ll start now.” She stepped back to a corner of the room and watched Nolis begin with a discontent frown on her face.

Nolis shrugged and took a step forward, smiling up at me again. “I have prepared a very unique experience for you my new friend. After all, it is only thugs and brutes that deal the same blows every single time. I am an artist, and my canvas will be singing soon.” He paused for a moment, as if listening to something before continuing, “Oh yes, also you might feel a slight tingle...followed by an unbearable amount of pain. Do not worry though, I shall stay beside you as a witness to your transformation, yes? We shall go through this journey together. Who knows? By the end of it, you might even consider me to be your closest friend.”

He took a few more steps forward and lit up his horn, channeling the energy into it for a moment before pointing it directly at my head and releasing the spell. A bolt of yellow energy shot from his horn and struck me directly in the forehead, causing me to sway backwards in my chains slightly. For a moment, I felt nothing, before the world slowly began to go dark. Just before I blacked out, I heard another chuckle from Nolis.

“Now then, let us get to know each other, yes?”

When the pain hit, I could not hold back my screams.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Lanafilly
Blazinblade7

Got to say, I had a lot of fun writing Biter's perspective. I don't think we'll be seeing a lot more of his point of view though but I might be able to squeeze a bit in. Also, a couple of new villains are making their appearances here, please tell me what you think of Kowelth Gatar Nolis and the so far unnamed pegasi lieutenant. Nolis is inspired by Adelai Niska from Firefly, the most classy man to ever torture a man to death with both horrific tools and a great accent. Our good winged lieutenant (who will be named soon I promise) is slightly based of a friend of mine with an extra bit of the 'Evil Classy British Guy' trope thrown in.

So, we are now 47 chapters in and around 154k words complete. It's been quite a journey so far hasn't it? I have a bit more to go but I do hope to wrap up Wild Card fairly soon. When I started this story I was a fresh-faced and eager young thing. Now I feel like one of those grizzled veteran types who say things like "I've seen some things" and "I'm too old for this shit." Still, I only need to look back at the first couple of chapters to see how much writing this story has improved my style, not to mention the support I've received from you guys, which had greatly boosted my confidence. I thank you all for that. Without you guys then I probably would have dropped this story like I've dropped so many other things in my life. Thank you.

Basically, here's the situation at the moment. In less than a month my end of year exams will be starting, so in less than a week I will be buckling down and studying so hard that Albert Einstein and Nikola Tesla themselves, two of the biggest nerds ever, will look at me and shout "Nerd!" However, as we are so close to the end of Wild Card, I would dearly like to get it out of the way before I have to start exams, so I'm going to try and write the next 5 or so chapters in 2 weeks. Hopefully, I'll complete it and be satisfied, but if I'm not then I'll be forced to go on hiatus for a while before finishing the story. It sucks to have to take a break so near the end but I might have to do it. So, sorry about that.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed this chapter and see you next week,
Barrel-of-fun

Without a Paddle

“Celestia damn it! How do you keep winning?” The shout echoed throughout the caves, followed by collective chuckling at the misfortune of the losing pony. The card game wasn’t technically allowed, since the boss said that they should be devoting all their attention to guarding the cargo. But that was the problem with having pirates as guards, they tended not to obey the rules.

“Just lucky I guess.” The other pony replied, sweeping his winnings towards himself as the dealer collected their cards and began to shuffle again. Of course, he didn’t mention that he would be splitting his winnings with the dealer in return for a little ‘help’ during the game. No honour among thieves and pirates after all.

Just as the first of the cards began to get dished out, there was a scuffling from outside the room. The pirates looked around at each other warily before their gazes settled on the stallion who’d been on a forced losing streak.

“Go check it out would you?” The con-pony said, his words seeming like more of an order than a question.

Grumbling, the loser picked up his crossbow and plodded outside, slamming the door shut behind him. The remaining pirates continued to look at the door, cradling their own crossbows nervously. Any moment now their comrade would re-enter the room and they could carry on cheating him out of all of his bits. Any...moment...now...

The door did open again, but instead of their companion re-entering the room, a small glass vial was sent sailing towards them. The pirates immediately threw themselves back, some more successfully than others, as the vial exploded into a clogging green gas cloud. Several of the pirates fell unconscious immediately as the gas assaulted them, others coughed and spluttered for a moment in a futile attempt to expel the gas before joining their friends in sleep.

The pirate who considered himself to be a bit of a card shark managed to escape the initial assault and, seeing his comrades going down, chose to flee. He began galloping for the back down, intent of getting more pirates, either to serve as allies or meat shields against the attackers. His hopes were raised the closer he got to his escape route and he prepared to go into a dive, throwing himself through the door and into the corridor beyond. Just as his legs tensed in preparation for the running jump, an almighty pain was sent through him causing him to cry out and stumble. He slid for a few metres before slamming into the door, halting his momentum completely. Looking over one shoulder, he could see the cause of his pain, a crossbow bolt that was sticking out of his Golden Bit cutie mark.

“W-why would you shoot him t-there?” A nervous sounding voice came out of the quickly dispersing smoke in front of him.

The next voice was rougher, “Well I thought he looked like a bit of a flank hole. Kinda appropriate don’tcha think?”

“...t-that’s terrible.”

“Yeah, it ain’t exactly the best pun.”

“I believe what the good Private was referring to,” A new voice announced, this one deep and commanding, as though it belonged to a mountain, ”Is your casual approach to grievous bodily harm.”

“Oh right,” The rough voice responded, enough of the smoke clearing away to reveal it belonged to a rough-looking griffin with a crossbow, “That too I guess.”

The other two attackers stepped forward as well, a small earth pony who seemed to have an irrepressible case of the shivers and a huge minotaur who was casually holding the losing pony that the pirates had sent out in one hand. This single hand was covering the pony’s face completely, muffling the various shouts and protests that the stallion was giving off.

“Private Dread, secure that prisoner. Private Shivers, make sure they are all good and unconscious.”

“Yes sir, Iron Will, sir!” The two shouted in a conditioned response before going about their tasks.

“Er...Sarge? I don’t have any handcuffs or anything to secure the prisoner with.”

The minotaur sighed and rubbed at his head with his free, non-pony-holding hand, “Just improvise then. So long as he can’t move to shoot us in the back then consider him secure.”

The griffin grinned, “You got it Sarge.” He then raised his crossbow and slammed the butt of it into the con-pony’s face, knocking him unconscious.

Iron Will nodded in satisfaction and walked over to the table in the center of the room. He placed his pony prisoner on it before releasing his hand, allowing the pirate to take in everything around him, including his unconscious, and in one case slightly arrow punctured, allies.

“Now then,” The huge minotaur said slowly, “I want you to tell us everything.”

The pony may not have had great instincts when it came to cards, but his survival instincts were first class. First he took in the condition of his allies, then divided it by the chance of help arriving to save him, before taking into consideration how much he was getting paid. The equation led him to a pretty decisive answer.

“Okay.” He answered cheerfully.

After all, he wasn’t getting paid enough to lie.

“...And we just have to guard those crates before they get shipped out again. I don’t know what’s in them or where they go I swear.” The pony finished of his story, earning an appreciative nod from Iron Will.

“The Manehatten City Guard thanks you for your time and you compliance. On behalf of the Guard and myself, I would like to apologize in advance for this.” He then brought one hand down on the side of the confused pony’s head, sending him into unconsciousness as well. Iron knew better than to leave mobile enemies behind him. “Now then, let’s see what’s so important about those crates.” This got a grin from Dread, who was always up for a bit of legalized looting.

The griffin happily picked up a nearby crowbar and approached the nearest crate, whistling a happy tune to himself as he did so. One quick crowbarring later and the crate’s lid was off, revealing the precious contents of...

“Wine bottles?” Dread exclaimed as he lifted one out, “Damn it, I was hoping for something cool, like gold, or weapons. Oh well, work with what you’ve got.” He then stuck one talon into the cork of the bottle and yanked it out, quickly raising the bottle to his beak to take a drink.

Just before the liquid could come into contact with the griffin, a hoof came flying out of nowhere and smacked the bottle out of Dread’s claws. The glass was sent flying across the room and smashed against the far wall, leaking black fluid down onto the floor.

“Hey! What in Tartarus was that for?!” The irate griffin shouted at his suddenly not-so-nervous pony companion.

Private Shivers, for his part, didn’t even bother to speak, simply giving his reckless fellow Guard a serious glare before pointing at the remains of the bottle. The ‘wine’ had begun to bubble on the floor, various droplets and splatters coming together, crawling creepily along the floor, to form a unified whole. The black liquid, now complete again, attempted to retreat from the light, oozing its way into the shade.

“That...that ain’t wine.” Dread commented redundantly, his beak hanging open in shock. “You saved me,” He looked down at Shivers, who became nervous again at the sudden admiring gaze of the griffin, “How’d you know?”

“It didn’t smell right.” The earth pony asserted with surety in his voice, glad to be commenting on something he knew about; alchemy. “Wine has a vinegary smell, that had a scent more like an open grave.” He saw the weird looks he was getting from his comrades. “Not that I’d know what an open grave smells like!” He blurted out hastily.

“Right,” Iron Will said, taking control of the situation. A torch was yanked forcibly from its mounting on the wall as he walked across the room and waved it over the open crate of ‘wine’. All the liquid inside the bottles shirked away from the light, seemingly attempting to hide inside their own bottles. “Well that definitely isn’t natural. We need to report this to Summer. The thing is, I think I’ve seen this somewhere before...”

Several hundred miles away from Iron Will, under the collapsed mine that had once been the home to a particular pack of diamond dogs, the blown up corpse of Redtooth let out a sound that, if someone had been around to hear it, may have sounded like a sneeze.

A scientist would claim that it was merely gas escaping from the largest remaining bits of the body. However, the universe at large has been known to hold a rather cold and uncaring view of scientists.

As far as the universe was concerned, Redtooth sneezed.

“...but I can’t for the life of me remember where I might have seen it before.”

Summer grimaced at the news, “That is very concerning. Whatever it is these pirates have been trafficking, it certainly sounds evil.” She nodded once, her mind made up. “Yup. Weird, crawly liquid that shies away from all light and smells like death. Not to mention it’s as black as Nightmare Moon’s hairy c-”

“Summer!” Iron interrupted loudly, “Not in front of the recruits.”

The unicorn looked around at the Guards, some of whom were snickering whilst the greener ones simply looked confused. “Cloak,” She finished lamely, “I was going to say cloak.”

“Nightmare Moon doesn’t wear a cloak.” Iron smirked.

“Shut up!” Summer shook her head and sighed, “Anyways, where was I? Oh right, yeah, that black liquid isn’t even the most concerning thing at the moment. Look around you Iron, what do you see?”

“Erm...an empty pirate camp?”

“Exactly. An empty pirate camp. They’ve all gone, and so has Ace. I’m guessing that they caught him and sailed away, probably realising that this was all a huge trap.”

“Oh, so what are we waiting for? Why aren’t we going after them?”

Summer let out another sigh, feeling it might be something she would be doing a lot in future. “We were waiting for you. Now that you’re all caught up on the situation, let’s get down to the ship. The others should have it ready by now.”

There was a nervous cough from behind them. Turning around, they noticed a slightly awkward seeming Sergeant Brick. “Yeah, about that. None of us are actually sailers. We don’t know how to sail a boat.”

“Sergeant Brick?” Summer began.

“Yes ma’am?”

“You are part of the Manehatten City Guard correct?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“And Manehatten is a city by the sea correct?”

“Er...yes ma’am.”

“So then, how in Tartarus, can nopony here know how to sail a boat?!”

Stammering, Brick replied, “Well we’ve never had to before. We mostly arrest ponies before they get out of the city.”

“Fine,” Summer sighed raggedly, “Just get everypony on the boat and follow my orders. I’ll teach you lot how to sail a boat and then we can rescue Ace.”

The sergeant quickly hurried away to shout orders at people who weren’t terrifyingly angry, leaving Iron Will with the irritated Summer.

“Calm down Summer,” He attempted to placate her, laying one hand on her back. At his touch, she let out a deep breath, all her anger rushing away with it. “We’re going to get Ace back. Besides, he’s been in much worse situations than this.”

“Yeah,” The unicorn shuffled her hooves, moving ever so slightly closer to her second-in-command, “But this might be the shoddiest rescue mission ever.”

“Not quite, remember how we met?”

A smile graced her lips as she recalled the mad escape from the mines, “Fine then, second shoddiest rescue mission.” She frowned in worry as another thought drifted into her mind, “We’ve got a lot to thank Ace for...I just hope that we can.”

“Don’t be like that. I’m sure that by the time we get there Ace will have already escaped, tricked the pirates into defeating each other and be sipping fine brandy from atop a pile of loot.”

I could feel everything. Every slight creak in my bones, every tiny twinge in my muscles, the dryness in my throat and my heart hammering against my ribcage in an attempt to escape. I don’t think I’ve ever been so in tune with my own body, which is ironic considering I might not be in it for long.

Kowelth Gatar Nolis had been kind enough to allow me a break in between torture sessions. He was currently sat in the corner of the room, calmly brewing himself a cup of tea as he watched me struggle through the after effects of his last session.

Lightning. Why did he have to use lightning? An electrical arc that had leapt from his horn and jumped all over my body, its tickling touch sending scores of pain all over my chest and arms. Thankfully, he had not yet gone above the head or below the waist. Though I’m sure he is simply saving that for later. My body was still twitching as the electricity bounced merrily round my nervous system. Worryingly, I could not feel my fingers anymore.

“It is funny yes? Even though you are chained up, it is like you are trying to dance.”

How could he be so calm? Kowelth talked as though this was just another day at the office. As though I was just a colleague he had met at the water cooler. As though he wasn’t an immoral psychopath and I wasn’t his latest victim.

“Lightning is a funny thing as well. Has a great history behind it. It was first used as a torture device by the pegasi during the War of Three Tribes.” He chuckled slightly, as though remembering an anecdote, “If you think this is bad, you should have seen what the earth ponies did in retaliation. What they lack in wings and magic, they most certainly make up for in...creativity.”

I grit my teeth and tried to swallow the pain. I would have loved to have responded with a witty quip or a sharp-tongued insult, as was my usual fare, but my muscles had betrayed me. I couldn’t open my mouth except to stutter out broken words. I couldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me like that.

“No response? Ah but you must be bored yes? You live a life of big excitement. No time for just hanging around having conversations right?” He stood up and put his tea to one side before walking over to me. Grabbing my face in one hoof, he tilted it from side to side as though inspecting a piece of meat. “Hmm, yes, I wish I had longer to play with you. Such an interesting character. Alas, my work must be rushed.”

He stepped back and began to channel magic, his horn glowing and pointing at me. I struggled impotently in my chair, unable to escape the painful magic that was sure to come.

“I detest working to schedules. So...imperfect. Now then, as the knife said to the victim’s flesh,” He grinned as he carefully aimed his horn, “We need to go deeper.”

I screamed into my teeth as his bolt of magic shot straight towards my head.

“Ship on the horizon!”

At the cry from the crow’s nest, Summer looked up from her charts and grabbed a telescope. She pointed it out at where the lookout was indicating and peered through, catching sight of the distinctive black flag on the other ship’s sails.

“It’s them!” She called out, getting cheers from the hardworking crew, “We’re catching up.”

Iron noticed her grim expression and looked over at her in confusion from his position at the helm. “Well that’s good isn’t it? It means we’re moving faster than them.”

“Yeah, for now. As soon as they see us coming they’re going to speed up to try and escape us. And, unlike us, their crew knows what they are doing.”

As if to emphasize her point, there was a loud crash from on deck as two uncoordinated Guards ran into each other. The fact that most of her crew were ‘landlubbers’ and couldn't handle the rolling deck of a ship at sea meant that accidents like that were all too common.

“Where are we exactly?” Iron asked, his strategic mind coming into effect, “If there’s some islands or anything that we can use to sneak up on them...”

The rest went unsaid as they both leaned down to assess their charts. It was mainly Summer who was doing the navigational legwork here, being as she was the only one who knew how a map worked and didn’t giggle at the word ‘sextant’. She hummed in thought as she calculated their position, judging it from a number of variables such as the position of the sun, the distance from the island they set off from and the slowing effect caused by the incompetence of her crew. Having plotted their position, she realised something.

“Oh shit.”

“What’s wrong?” Iron looked concerned.

“I know where we are. We’ve wandered onto the course for the Riftwater Race. Specifically, I think we’re on top of Ol’ Rustjaw’s hunting ground...and he’s in house this time of year.”

Iron Will stared at her in disbelief for a moment before rushing to the rail and bellowing, “Everypony! Stop what you’re doing! Nopony move an inch!”

At the minotaur’s shout, all action on the deck ceased as the ponies turned to stare at him. Not a single hoof moved on the deck as they waited in quiet anticipation. Quietly, Summer swore to herself.

“We can’t stay like this forever. We’ll never catch up with them if we have to just try and cruise our way there. Everypony, you can move but do so quietly and carefully. No loud noises. No excessive thumping on the deck. Got that?” She paused for a moment, “Also, nopony make a joke about thumping on deck. Let’s be professional about this.”

There was a series of nods as the Guards got back to work, albeit in a much more subdued form than before.

Down below the deck, the diamond dog known as Biter was exploring the cargo hold. He could smell something was wrong down here, his keen canine nose picking up the rotten scent above the salty tang of the sea air. He sniffed the air and quietly padded forward past more crates, knowing that Alpha Pony wouldn’t like him being down here. However, what Alpha Pony didn’t know couldn’t hurt her and, more importantly, Shouty Bull couldn’t hurt him for.

The smell was strong now, unnaturally so. It had suddenly evolved from a slight scent to a full blown stench in the matter of a few metres. A stench that was centred entirely around an inauspicious looking crate near the back of the hold. Grabbing a lantern, Biter approached the box and grabbed its lid, noting that it had already been pried open once before. Heaving the crate open, his let out an instinctive growl at the contents.

Bottles filled with black liquid. Biter wasn’t sure what the liquid was but just looking at it put his hackles on edge. Every instinct was telling him that the liquid was bad. No, more than bad. The liquid was wrong. Wrong in every way that was natural. To Biter’s fine canine senses, the black liquid shouldn’t exist. Any other dog, when confronted with such an intense reaction, would have fled from the wrongness, as their instincts dictated.

But Biter wasn’t one for running.

He calmly set the lantern down on a nearby crate and grabbed a bottle in each hand, raising them both to his face. He growled at the liquid, to show it that he wasn’t afraid and could quite easily, if he so wanted, bite the liquid in two. The fact that liquids are fairly immune to biting based attacks didn’t register with the dog. As far as he was concerned, everything had a weakness to biting based attacks.

The two bottles were raised high in the air before being sent swiftly downwards to be dashed on the floorboards of the cargo hold. Two more of their compatriots joined them, followed by another two, and another two after that. The diamond dog grinned as the bottles smashed loudly on the floor, enjoying the sound of the breaking glass. He picked up the pace on his work as he heard ponies moving above him. Evidently Alpha Pony must have heard the smashing and was on the way to stop him. Biter wouldn't let black liquid stay though. It was a danger to the pack. Dangers to the pack had to be dealt with.

With his increased pace, he swiftly ran out of bottles to smash and looked around, admiring his work. Glass shards littered the floor of the hold like miniature mountains, the black liquid squirming in between them like rivers. Grabbing his lantern, he held it towards the liquid, enjoying how it shrieked and shied away from the light. It quickly coalesced into one large pool and began to drag itself away from the light. Biter, still grinning, used the lantern to herd the fluid into one corner of the hold, trapping it there. With its metaphorical back to the wall, the shrieks of the liquid increased to a fever pitch. Biter’s ears began to ache yet he resolutely held the light forth, returning the pain as good as he got.

The door to the hold burst open and Shouty Bull tumbled in. The large minotaur moved quickly across the hold and beheld the mess that Biter had made, as well as the faceoff that was happening between dog and amorphous black blob.

“You idiot!” He hissed at Biter, whose ears pressed against his head in shame at being chastised, “We’re supposed to be quiet. Do you have any idea where we are right now?!”

The dog looked around, confused, “Cargo hold?”

“No, not that-” The bull sighed and dragged one hand across his face in exasperation, “Just...just stay here and make sure that that liquid...thing doesn’t escape. Try and shut it up if you can before it goes ahead and calls down-”

Whatever he was about to say next was cut off by the loud roaring that seemed to rock the ship, as well as the agitated waves that actually rocked the ship. The dog managed to balance himself and looked around in confusion, wondering why the universe had suddenly gotten angry and shouty. The minotaur, having pulled himself out of the remains of a crate that he had crushed, simply swore.

“Summer is not going to be pleased about this.”

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
Lanafilly
BackgroundBrony

Back from the dead! Exams are over and I'm on holiday now which means I can get back into writing (although I may be a bit rusty so I hope you guys forgive me if this chapter is terrible). Not much of Ace this chapter, which I feel I must apologize for, but the next chapter will have plenty of Ace-y goodness.

See you next week and thanks for reading,
Barrel-of-fun

It's All In Your Head

Not for the first time in my life I woke up having no idea where I was. However, unlike those other times, I don’t think I can blame alcohol for this one. I distinctly remember being tortured by a psychotic unicorn with a ridiculously difficult to pronounce name. This difficulty was only compounded by the fact that the unicorn in question had a tendency to run electricity through people, making it next to impossible to say his name through the spasms. It was almost as though Kowey Thingy-majig the Fourth didn’t want people to say his name.

I slowly picked myself up off the floor that I had been stretched out upon, noting the comfortable green carpet underneath me as I rose. This might well be the first carpet I have seen since coming to Equestria. For some strange reason, ponies didn’t seem to like the feel of a smooth rug underneath them; maybe it had something to do with the hooves. I took a look around, trying to ascertain my current location, and almost wept for joy when I realised where I was.

A casino. I’m in a casino, traditional habitat and hunting ground for the species Devious Gamblerous. I wasn’t sure if I would ever see such a sight again. Since most ponies must suck at gambling, Honesty being one of the six big parts of their culture, I figured that casinos wouldn’t be a thing here. How glad I am to be wrong about Equestria.

“Ah, but you’re not in Equestria.” A disturbingly familiar voice said from behind me.

Whirling round, I confronted the speaker. Kowelth Gatar Nolis sat calmly by the bar, somehow managing to look both ridiculous and menacing as he perched atop a tall stool in a position most commonly associated with dogs when told to ‘sit’. Also, can Kowelth read minds now?

“Only surface thoughts,” He smiled smugly, “For now at least. You have no idea where we are, correct?”

“Fraid not Kowey boy. Care to enlighten a poor lost soul?”

His smug expression turned hard at the sound of his name being butchered, “My name is Kowelth Gatar Nolis. However, soon you will be calling me Master.”

“Woah,” I held my hands up and took a step back, “No need to make this kinky Mr. Cowl.”

“That’s Kowelth.” He growled through bared teeth.

“That’s what I said isn’t it? Mr. Coal?”

“Kowelth!” He shouted.

“Kal-El?”

“Kowelth!” He repeated, this time lighting up his horn and looking ready to do battle.

In response I held out my hand and smiled, “Ace. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

A distinct grating sound, like the horrified winces of a thousand dentists, filled the air as Kowleth began to grind his teeth together in frustration. He pointed his horn at me and looked about ready to fire when he managed to stop himself. He took a deep breath, releasing his magic, and brought back his smug look from earlier.

“Very good, you seek to infuriate me. Throw me off my game yes?” He chuckled, “And yet, you cannot take advantage of this. You have no weapons, yes?”

It was sadly true. Kowelth may not have actually seen the subtle movements I made as I checked myself for my various weapons, but he had managed to deduce my reasoning for angering him. My knife was missing from it’s sheath and my cards were suspiciously absent.

“Maybe I should just tell you where we are? Mister Ace, welcome,” He paused dramatically, “To your mind!”

My mind is a casino. Somehow, I’m not at all surprised by this.

“Here we can get to the heart of who you truly are,” Kowelth continued, “And, when I defeat you here, I will own that person; mind, body and soul.” He leaped off his chair to stand before me, once again charging up his horn, “Prepare yourself!”

With that, he began his attack. A bolt of sickly yellow energy shot towards me, forcing me to throw myself to one side, barely dodging the attack. As it flew past me, I could feel the heat of its passing, even though I was at least a metre away. One of the many roulette tables that lay around the room was completely obliterated when the fireball landed, leaving nothing but a few burning splinters where the wooden table once stood.

“Impressive yes?” Kowelth chuckled as I stared in amazement at the damage a single attack did, “I am well trained in mental magics and, in here, everything is in the mind, quite literally. Accept it, Mister Ace, I have all the power here.” He finished this with another chuckle and casually fired off several more bolts.

I snapped out of my amazed rigor just as the first bolt landed near me. The concussive force of the explosion sent me flying, luckily allowing the next couple of bolts in the salvo to pass through the space I had just occupied. Not so luckily, it meant my brief acquaintance with the wonder of flight ended with me smashing through a table. Breath shot out of me as I landed with a painful crack, jagged shards of pain shooting through my chest. A broken rib or two at the very least.

Crawling out of the wreckage, I felt a thousand smaller jolts of pain shooting through my back and realised the problem with using a wooden table as a crash mat. Fragments of wood, at least ten of them the size of nails, were lodged into my back, probably making me look like some kind of macabre hedgehog. I struggled to stand as the pain wracked through my body, the knowledge that staying still meant my death was the only thing that forced me onwards.

Kowleth, smug grin still fixed on his face, seemed to have decided against destroying me with magic and was trotting forwards calmly. As he approached, I stumbled backwards into the table’s ruins and fell on my backside, my hand grasping a large shard of wood that had once been a table leg behind my back.

“You see your foolishness now yes? I cannot be defeated here.” Kowelth chuckled as he stepped up to stand over me.

With a snarl of pain and anger, I shot forward, the shard of wood blazing a trail through the air as I thrust it forward with all the strength I could muster. It struck Kowleth in the throat and lodged there, blood spurting out of the jagged wound. Kowelth stumbled back in shock, his eyes wide and his mouth desperately gasping at the air like a fish, trying to force oxygen through his ruined throat. A horrible rattling sound came from him as his broken windpipe stuttered and failed. I watched in amazement as Kowelth, the first living being I had ever killed, gave out his last few death gasps before me.

My amazement turned to terror as a new timbre was added to these gasps. No longer were they the desperate wheezes of a dying creature, but instead the dark chuckles of someone who has just pulled off a great trick.

The wooden obstruction was wrapped in Kowelth’s yellow magic and began to slowly be pulled out of his neck, making a sicking squelching noise as it exited the wound. The ragged hole began to close up, the blood flowing backwards into the unicorn’s body, until not even a scar remained. Kowelth smiled at me.

“When I said I could not be defeated here, I was not lying you know.”

Almost casually, he stepped forward and brought his hoof down on my hip. Despite the seemingly light touch he used, I still gasped in pain as my hipbone was broken. He was right. He had all the power here. I had nothing.

Another stamp. Another crack as another couple of my ribs were broken.

A slash with his horn. Blood began to flow from a deep cut in my shoulder.

A swing of his hoof. My head slammed into the ground as my teeth were busted inwards.

Kowleth stopped and stood over me, relishing his victory and enjoying the sight of a defeated and broken opponent. “I wish I could say you were a worthy opponent,” He said calmly, “I wish I could say that I respected you as an enemy. But then I would just be lying yes? And I do feel that I should be honest to you. After all, we are currently as close as it is possible for two beings to be. I’m quite literally in your head. You can’t hide anything from me here, so I feel I should extend to you the same courtesy.”

He took a deep breath and sighed, looking down at me in an almost sad way. “I’m going to break your mind. All those little secrets and tricks you might have in here? I’m going to take them all and leave you with nothing. To the outside world, you’ll be nothing but a drooling vegetable, trapped in your own empty head.”

He lit his horn up once more and began to lower it towards my head. I struggled futilely under his hooves, his unnatural strength easily keeping me pinned down as the final blow slowly approached. Just as his horn was mere centimeters away from my head, there was a sudden series of bangs that echoed through the room. Someone was knocking at the large double doors to my mental casino.

Kowelth naturally looked at me in some confusion, “We’re inside your head. How is something knocking at the door?”

Despite the pain, I couldn’t help but reply sarcastically, “I don’t know. I assumed you’d invited them.”

“It’s a powerful mental assault spell, not some Canterlot tea party. This isn’t usually a group activity.” He turned back to face me, “No matter, I’ll deal with you and then go and-”

Whatever else he was about to say was cut off as a loud crack echoed through the air. Kowelth fell back as one side of his head exploded into gore, the nearly headless unicorn stumbled around for a moment but didn’t fall as his freaky mental regeneration cut in, healing his ruined face into a snarl.

“Who dares interrupt my art?!” He shouted at whatever being was beyond the door.

“Didn’t your mother ever teach you,” A breathy and very familiar voice called out from beyond the portal, “It’s rude to keep a Lady waiting.”

Magic began to gather in Kowelth’s horn as he prepared to attack the door and the speaker beyond with one of his firebolts. Before he could loose the attack though, a dozen more cracks, which I could now identify as gunshots, shattered both the silence, the door and various parts of Kowelth’s body. His horn disappeared into fragments as a shot went straight through it, his right eye popped as another bullet disappeared into his brain just as one of his legs burst into gore, at least three bullets smashing it to bits.

Amazingly, he still managed to pull himself together, though it looked like he had strained himself to do so. He was visibly sweating now, and looked like he had just run a marathon.

Whilst Kowelth was able to regenerate himself thanks to his mental magics, the door to the casino was not so fortunate. With various bullet holes riddling it’s framework, it slowly collapsed inwards, revealing the figure beyond. The first thing I always notice about Lady Luck is the hair. I don’t know what it is about it but even as I sat there in terrible pain I couldn’t help but think that it was the reddest red I had ever seen. Seriously, it was very red. Shockingly so. My own red hair, which people usually remarked was unusual, paled in comparison to the sheer redness of her locks.

Actually, I’m probably just rambling and delusional from all the blood loss. Still, it was nice hair.

This time she had chosen to forgo her usual long dresses, which made her look like a cross between Jessica Rabbit and a Bond girl, and had instead gone with a pinstripe suit, complete with fedora, deep royal purple blouse and a very liberal pinstriped miniskirt. The rest of her legs were covered mostly by a pair knee length leather boots that would make a dominatrix green with envy which ended in stiletto heels so pointed that most would consider them a deadly weapon. The most distinctive change that she had made to her attire was the rather radical accessory choice of a Thompson submachine gun, which she casually rested on one hip as she blew gently on its smoking barrel. I was impressed to say the least. Not many women can pull off the ‘carrying guns like a badass’ look.

She stepped elegantly over the ruined door, stiletto heels clicking as she observed the badly damaged casino. With a tut and a shake of her head, she seemed to manage to express enough disappointment to make me cringe inwardly, despite my wounds. On one hand, I knew that my mind had been invaded by an evil unicorn and the damage done here wasn’t really my fault, on the other hand though was the very powerful instinct that told my I really should have cleaned up a bit in here.

Her unflappable calm was barely even ruffled as she casually sidestepped a firebolt thrown by Kowelth, who had evidently got tired of being ignored. “Oh, you're still here?” She asked casually.

“Who in Tartarus are you!?” He shouted back, clearly infuriated by not being the smug, all-powerful being in the room.

“Tartarus? Nice place to visit but I’m not actually from there,” Lady Luck replied with a gentle smile, “I suppose you could say I’m the dealer in this little game.”

“Game?” Kowelth spluttered, “You think this is some game!? You are interrupting my ART! My art is no game!”

Lady Luck sighed, “Calm down honey. To people like me, everything is a game. Tell you what, why don’t I give you a fighting chance? I’ll let you have the first move.”

There was silence as the two combatants simply watched each other, one warily whilst the other seemed more interested in the condition of her nails. Suddenly, Kowleth made his move. Screaming in fury, he fired off several high power firebolts, the incandescent energy searing through the air towards the goddess. Almost carelessly, the red-haired beauty plucked the fedora from atop her locks and held it out, catching each firebolt in turn as they disappeared into the impossible depths of the hat.

She then sent a wink and a grin at me as she returned the fedora to its rightful place, “Learnt that one from you. Gotta love those hat tricks.”

Turning her attention back to Kowelth, who still seemed shocked that his attack had been blocked so effortlessly, her grin turned a bit sadistic. “Have you ever wondered about the phrase ‘the house always wins’?” She asked the unicorn, who was beginning to back away, realising that he was fighting someone way above his class. Her smile lost all of its remaining humour, leaving only a merciless smirk, as she lowered her Tommy gun to point at Kowleth. “It’s because they rig all the games.”

The gun thundered as Lady Luck held down the trigger, the weapon bucking back in her steel grip. This was not at all like the sharp cracks from earlier, but a deafening booming, as though the gun was an artillery piece made of the goddesses wrath. The sound was merely impressive though, the effect it had on its target was almost horrifying. Kowelth was damn near blown into bloody chunks as bullet after bullet ripped into him, only barely managing to hold his mental self together. Occasionally, through the hail of bullets and blood, I would catch a glimpse of his grimacing face, only to have it disappear once more into various terrible wounds as the salvo continued to rip him apart. Not only was he blown apart, but he was also blown backwards by the force of each round slamming into him, until eventually he was pressed with his back against the wall, each new bullet now tearing into his stomach and chest.

Eventually, the red-headed Valkyrie ceased her terrible onslaught, releasing the trigger and raising the gun to once more point at the ceiling. What remained of Kowelth was not pretty. He was barely managing to hold himself together, his back half being an obscene distance away from the rest of him whilst his face was in several parts. Yet still, somehow, he was attempting to regenerate from these ghastly wounds. Lady Luck was clearly not too impressed by this behaviour.

“Ew.” She commented, before raising one of her stiletto heels and bringing it down on Kowelth’s head, right between his eyes. The mage finally ceased his attempts to regenerate, the 5 inch long heel rather impeding his thought process as it stabbed into his brain.

Normal people would have been horrified at Lady Luck’s actions. At her casual attitude towards, quite literally, stamping out her opponent’s life. Maybe something had changed in me though, something that being at Kowelth’s mercy had done, because as I saw the torturer’s head smash open one last time, I felt only one thing.

Satisfaction.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7

Yeah...so that all just happened.

I hope you guys can forgive any mistakes in this chapter. I only got it done some time yesterday which doesn't really give my editors much time to work over it. In my defence though, I did spend the majority of this week either drunk, hungover or both.

Heart of the Storm

“Sweet merciful Celestia...”

“By the Moon and Stars...”

“...Shit...”

Many and varied were the swears that rose up from the Guard ranks as the giant serpent burst out of the sea on their portside. Swaying side to side as it considered its latest prey, the sea monster known as Ol’ Rustjaw towered over the boat, the top of his scaly head on level with the highest mast.

From her position near the helm, Summer could clearly see the rows of teeth that inhabited the monster’s grinning maw, each individual tooth larger than a pony. It was at times like this that she cursed her acute pony sense of smell, as she could practically taste the rancid breath of Rustjaw who, possibly due to his position as a beast of the deep sea, was sadly out of touch with modern dental practices. She could only imagine how bad the smell must be for a diamond dog like Biter.

Despite her disgust at Rustjaw’s stench, Summer remained a capable leader and began to assess the enemy, all the while resisting the urge to throw up a little in her mouth. The first, and most noticeable thing, about Rustjaw was the sheer size of the beast. He was already towering above the ship and Summer was willing to bet that a good portion of his body was still concealed beneath the waves. Then there was his teeth, each one capable of ripping a pony to shreds, not to mention the fact that he apparently had a magical breath that turned things to metal. Finally, and most formidably, was the creature’s scales; they looked thick enough to shrug off any conventional attacks with ease. Realising all this, Summer made an executive decision.

“Fall back! Unicorns, start casting cloudwalking spells on all non-winged ponies! Pegasi, get us some clouds! We are abandoning ship!”

“Summer, are you sure?” Sergeant Brick asked from beside her. Looking into his eyes, Summer could see what he wanted. He’d been locked up, humiliated and forced to work for the enemy as a slave whilst they took over his city. If they ran away now, they had no way of catching up to the pirates.

Her mind was conflicted, but Summer managed to keep her expression stern, “I’m certain. Our duty right now is to keep the Guard alive. We’ll catch up to those pirates eventually.” ‘And Ace’ went unsaid. Summer could only hope that the satyr would be okay, though she felt disgusted with herself that she was being forced to abandon her friend. This was wrong.

The unicorn Guards, happy to be free of the magic-cancelling rings they had been stuck with, had gathered over to one side of the ship and begun casting their cloudwalking spells on the ponies closest to them. The now enchanted ponies then leapt onto the hastily created rescue clouds that the pegasi had brought down. Throughout it all, Rustjaw simply observed the ponies, seemingly content to watch his prey scurry about in a panic, taking some strange enjoyment from the fear he was creating with his mere presence.

New movement on deck caught the attention of both Rustjaw and Summer, the giant sea snake and the unicorn looking down to see Biter and Iron Will rush up from the cargo hold. Evidently, Rustjaw came to the decision that the huge minotaur and the diamond dog would make a great appetizer to all the scrawny ponies. Rearing back, the serpent’s jaw opened ridiculously wide, sickening gunk dripping out from between his teeth, before he shot forwards like a bolt from a crossbow, aiming to swallow Biter and Iron whole.

Summer and Iron acted almost simultaneously. The minotaur grabbed his diamond dog companion and lifted him with ease into the air, spinning around once before tossing the canine out of the way and into the nearby form of Private Truffles, who unwittingly acted as a cushion for the airborne dog. Meanwhile, Summer desperately drew in as much magic as she could, dragging it forcefully into her horn before blasting it out in a wild, unrefined bolt of pure energy. It was crude, it was inelegant and if her combat magic teacher had seen it he would be having a fit.

But it was also damn effective.

The bolt slammed into the side of Rustjaw’s head, which was mere metres away from coming down on Iron Will, who was recovering from his entry into the international diamond dog tossing competition. To the surprise of every being present, Rustjaw and Summer included, the sea snake was actually knocked back by the attack, his entire body jolting sideways as his head was knocked off course. A great crashing went up as the serpent smashed straight through the deck of the ship, his jaws failing to catch juicy minotaur and biting down on naught but tasteless wood instead.

Save for the groaning of wood as Rustjaw heaved himself out of the hole he had made in the deck, there was complete, amazed silence. There was definitely not an undignified shout of triumph from a certain unicorn mare which sounded distinctly like: “Oh yeah! Suck on that you great scaly son of a whore!”

Nope. That definitely didn’t happen.

It was a shame that Rustjaw didn’t simply ‘suck on that’ and leave. In actuality, he sucked on that, found that he didn’t like the flavour and got mightily pissed off about it. With a splintering of wood, Rustjaw tore his head out of the deck plates, furious eyes shooting round until he found the source of his pain; a defiant Summer Storm glaring back at him.

As unicorn and sea beast stared boldly into each other’s eyes, with Iron Will unsure which of the two combatants it would be more dangerous to approach, another set of eyes realized the conflict. Sergeant Brick, who was helping pull the last few unicorn Guards onto the rescue clouds, looked up for a moment and witnessed the epic staring match. His jaw dropped as he noticed the near-suicidal levels of defiance in Summer’s eyes, as well as the hunger and vicious instinct that filled Rustjaw’s. If they faced each other, then only one of them would be walking away that was for sure. Brick just worried that it might not be Summer who did. He looked back at the other Guards, who were mostly on the clouds by now. They were almost broken. Summer had come along and given them hope; hope that they could beat the pirates and reclaim their home. Without her, that hope died.

Brick looked down at the chains that were still wrapped around his legs. Though they had been broken by Biter’s mighty jaws, the Guards had lacked the equipment to fully remove them, so at the moment the Manehatten City Guard were currently accessorised with chains. Although, considering the weight of the metal links, maybe they were actually weaponized. The cloud he was on had begun to ascend before Sergeant Brick made his choice.

Gritting his teeth, he wrapped one last loose chain around his leg before looking back at the Guards, who stared at their sergeant in confusion. Giving them one last sad smile, Brick leapt off the cloud.

As he fell, Brick had to admit he was impressed with the pegasi Guards. They may lack earth pony strength on the ground but in the air they definitely had no equal. In the few seconds it had taken Brick to make his decision, the flyers had managed to elevate him to a good distance above the ship. Thus, when Brick hurled himself into freefall, he had plenty of time to build up speed before he reached his target.

And so, when the chain-covered forehooves of Sergeant Brick slammed into the scale-covered head of Rustjaw, the pony was traveling at around 80% of his maximum terminal velocity.

The moment he struck, two horrific cracks shot through the air. Everypony in earshot range flinched back in horror from the sound.

The force of the collision slammed Rustjaw downwards, once more forcing his head to meet with the deck of the ship and Brick rolling off to lie, unmoving, on the wooden deck. Gasps rose up as the damage of the pony cannonball was revealed. One of the great scales that covered the top of Rustjaw’s head, the thickest and most protected place on his body, had been split in two by an enormous crack. In the centre of the fissure was two indented hoofprints, Brick’s signature as it were, from which an impressive array of spiderweb cracks branched out.

Even more horrifying to the audience was the damage that Brick had received as a result of his reckless attack. Both of his forelegs were clearly broken, and badly as well. White bone could be seen sticking out of either limb at around the knee area. Ironically, and perhaps most tragically, was the fact that Brick’s chains, which his prodigious earth pony strength had been unable to remove, had been broken by the assault. The meer shockwave from striking the great beast head on had overcome the metal links, each one lying broken around the sergeant’s ruined legs.

Finally, Summer snapped out of her amazed trance and began to move forwards, shouting orders as she did, “Iron! Get him out of there right now!”

The minotaur nodded, just as determined to rescue the sergeant, but stopped suddenly as another voice called out to him.

“Stay back Iron. You stay right the hay back.” Sergeant Brick said, a cough breaking through his voice. Everypony stopped and stared in amazement as the sergeant slowly forced himself to his hooves, his eyes wincing in pain as he shakily stood on broken legs, being held up by his sheer force of will. He glared at the downed form of Rustjaw, refusing to turn his back on an enemy. “You need to...you need to get her out of here. Even if you have to drag her.”

“Sergeant...” Iron Will whispered, dismayed.

“That’s an order soldier! Save Summer...she’s all we have left...” Brick’s tear filled eyes finally left Rustjaw, turning his head to look Summer in the eyes, “Would have liked to see Manehatten one last time though, lovely city if you give her a chance. Take care of the old girl for me would you? I don’t think I can anymore. Oh, and give my best to your old dad.”

Desperately, Summer shot forward, tears filling her eyes and a scream ripping its way out of her mouth. Two huge arms wrapped around her and held her back though, ignoring the struggling kicks she sent against them. Grim faced, Iron Will held his friend back, allowing one of the greatest ponies he had ever served with to make his sacrifice.

Insensible with sorrow and rage, Summer began to blast lightning into the being who dared to keep her from rescuing her old friend. A pony who had practically helped raise her. A stallion who had often found himself acting as an uncle to the rambunctious young unicorn. A Guard who had taught her what it meant to be a Guard. Iron Will grunted as the electricity ran through his body, but he refused to loosen his grip, refused to allow Brick’s sacrifice to be wasted. Using all of his strength, both physical and mental, he began to drag the screaming unicorn backwards, his heart breaking as she desperately held her hooves out to the sergeant and pleaded for him to come with them. Brick merely smiled at Summer, a cocky, confident smile that told her not to worry. Told her he knew what he was doing. Told her that he had this one.

It took all of Brick’s mental discipline to force Summer’s incoherent screams and begging out of his ears as he turned back to face Rustjaw, who was recovering from the blow he had been dealt. She was in good hands with that minotaur, Brick knew that. He had seen how they would look at each other sometimes, even if they hadn’t managed to realise it themselves. He remembered the first time he had realised Summer had a crush on a young colt, how he and Swift Storm had gone and put the fear of Celestia into the unfortunate youngster, how embarrassed Summer had been afterwards, and how angry she had been at her dad and ‘uncle’.

A smile covered the stallion’s face as he looked up at the towering sea serpent, who had managed to clear the dazed look from his eyes and was now glaring down at Brick with unparalleled hatred. To Rustjaw, the sergeant was an impertinent insect, a piece of prey that had overstepped itself by attacking him. To Brick, the seabound behemoth before him was something he hadn’t encountered since the mad mare who had killed his Captain; a challenge.

For one beautiful, perfect moment the two opponents stared at each other as complete silence fell over the battlefield. Rustjaw swayed back and forth as he prepared himself for one final dive, determined to end the bug who had dared assault him. Brick took in a deep breath as he stared down his doom, enjoying the taste of the sea air as it filled his lungs, so refreshing after years of stale air in the caves. His legs, despite being broken beyond repair and sending torrents of pain stabbing through him, had never felt more free, the chains that had bound him so long finally gone. Satisfied, Sergeant Brick spat some blood out of his mouth and spoke his mind to Rustjaw.

“You don’t look so tough to me.”

With a scream that split the air, Rustjaw shot forwards once more. Brick did not flinch back from the ravenous maw that moved to engulf him. He did not blink as the horrid breath of the creature washed over him. He didn't even scream as the colossal mouth closed over him, completely consuming both him and a good portion of the ship.

Summer screamed though. The Guards up on their clouds screamed too as their sergeant disappeared. A soul wrenching cry of loss filled the air as the ponies all realised something. Sergeant Brick was gone, and he was never coming back. This realisation was the most painful part; the knowledge that Brick was gone, forever, weighed down on the Guard’s souls.

A harsh gurgling sound filled the air as Rustjaw reared up, triumphant from his kill. To all the world it sounded like the serpent was laughing in victory, the cacophony coming from the sea beast causing many Guards to wipe tears from their eyes, sorrow replaced with anger at the sergeant’s killer.

Summer did not wipe away any tears though. Instead, she simply went deathly still in Iron Will’s grip as she processed the sound of Rustjaw’s triumphant crowing. When she finished processing it, her eyes did not fill with anger, or hatred, or even disgust.

Instead, they went completely white and began to glow.

Iron felt himself go flying backwards, confusion covering his features as he was sent hurtling through the air. He had been holding onto Summer with all of his strength, and yet somehow she had managed to not only break free but also blast him away. Iron slammed into the rear mast of the ship at high speed, his thick minotaur skull saving him from what could have been permanent brain damage. Blearily, he sat up and beheld what was happening in to his friend.

Summer was floating impossibly in the air, mane and tail whipping about in a storm of power as her horn shone as bright as the sun. Iron was forced to raise on hand in front of his eyes as the sheer force of the magical light was blinding. Summer was apparently insensible to the world though. Her eyes, still glowing with arcane power, were fixed on Rustjaw to the exclusion of all else. As Iron looked about, he began to notice the effects of her magical rage.

True to her name, Summer was creating a storm above herself. Clouds were being drawn in from all directions, twisting together and pooling above Summer’s head to form an increasingly large storm cloud. The pegasi Guards were working desperately to push their rescue clouds out of the storm’s grasp, wings beating frantically as they pushed their comrades to safety. Iron was relieved to see that they all made it out okay, though the localized storm that Summer had created meant that they wouldn’t be able to return for a while. Grimly, Iron realised that he and Summer were on their own here and, if they were to survive this, they would need to find another escape route.

Not that Summer was really caring about escaping at the moment. For her there was only one objective that existed in the entire world: Destroy Rustjaw. To that end, she began to exert her magical control over the storm that hovered above her. She could feel the lightning coursing through the clouds, the rawest expression of elemental power that there was. She needed that power; all of it, every last drop, to accomplish her goal.

Iron’s eyes widened and a roar of dismay escaped him as he saw the first bolt strike down, a thick bolt of flashing electricity descending from the heavens to strike Summer directly on her horn. He tried to move forward, only to be forced back by the power of the magical winds surrounding Summer. Another bolt struck his friend, and another, and another. A great bellow of pain was ripped from Iron’s throat as he saw his friend seemingly being attacked by her own magic.

Smoke began to rise from Summer’s mane as the lightning coursed through her body. It was painful, more painful than anything she had ever felt before, but it was also necessary. The power that flowed through her right now would be her tool for vengeance. She just needed a little more...

Five more bolts struck down and were absorbed into Summer, the unicorn was now practically crackling with all the built up energy. Even Rustjaw was beginning to look a bit apprehensive as he stared down at the tiny pony. He had stopped his gurgling laughter halfway through the display of magical might and was now looking at Summer with a mixture of curiosity and worry. His animal instinct told him that he should be swimming to the deepest depths that he could find. His hunter’s pride on the other hand, told him that he had nothing to fear. He was Rustjaw, an apex predator of the sea. This puny equine could do nothing to him.

There was something beneath that pride though. Something dark and squirming inside Rustjaw that urged him to stay, to do battle, to be filled with rage and fury. A strange feeling from deep within his gut that was quickly worming its way into his consciousness.

Iron could hardly bear to look at Summer now, even whilst shielding his eyes from the light of her horn. Lightning danced across her frame, occasionally jumping from her hooves to strike the deck below her. It was when she opened her mouth and released a howl of pure rage that hurt the minotaur the most. He had fought a banshee once, back in his monster hunting days, and could honestly say that the demon’s ghostly cry was not half as bad as the noise that came from Summer. Summer howled, and the storm howled with her. A great rushing of wind that tore through the sky and ripped at the ragged sails.

Lowering her horn at Rustjaw, Summer began to release her anger.

What shot forth from her horn was not the usual brief bolts of energy that Iron had seen Summer shoot in the past, but instead a constant stream of magic and heat. A powerful surge of ferocity that barely restrained itself to the form of crackling arcs of lightning. The attack struck Rustjaw full in the chest and seemed to dance across his scaly hide, producing a roar of pain from the beast as the might of Summer’s fury flowed through him. The serpent reared back, hurt and confused by the attack that, for the first time in Rustjaw’s centuries of life, put him in fear of his continued survival.

The sickening smell of burnt fish filled the air as smoke began to rise from beneath Rustjaw’s scales. The behemoth flailed around in the water, desperately trying to escape the attack, all in vain. Iron watched in a combination of fascination and horror as Summer cooked Rustjaw inside his natural armour.

Summer!

The thought flashed across Iron’s mind as he looked over to the unicorn. Lightning continued to crackle over her frame, which seemed tiny compared to the storm that whirled around her. The look on her face was what hurt him most though. It was not the gentle smile which offered serenity and kindness to her friends, nor was it the confident smirk that promised a beatdown for her enemies. Her muzzle was twisted into a snarl of pure rage as her terrifying, glowing eyes bored into her prey, showing no mercy for the squirming sea worm before her.

Desperately, Iron hauled himself back to his hooves, digging himself into the deck as he forced himself forwards through the storm. One arm covered his face as he pushed himself through the raging tempest, focused on his target. A random spark of electricity shot at him, slamming into his thigh and threatening to knock the minotaur down, but he refused to give in. Grimacing through the pain as the magical current shot through him, he forced himself onwards. One hoof in front of the other. Each step bringing him closer to Summer Storm.

Finally, he pierced through the bubble that seemed to surround her. A perfect sphere of calm was held in place around Summer, preventing the chaos outside from reaching her. Iron knew that he was in the heart of the storm now and his actions here would count the most.

Carefully, he approached the floating unicorn, who had not even stopped her attack for a second to take notice of the intruder to her domain. The lightning was even worse here. Random arcs of magical energy leapt from Summer every second, randomly striking the deck around her. More than a few hit Iron directly in the chest but, other than a small grunt of pain, he refused to be stopped. Reaching forward, he made the most important move of his entire life, and gently rested his hand on her shoulder.

At the physical contact, Summer’s head swung round, her eyes fixing in fury on the one who would dare interrupt her vengeance as her mouth let out a bestial snarl. In that moment, Iron was sure that he was going to be blasted into dust by her magic and closed his eyes, accepting the end.

For a moment, nothing happened.

The minotaur slowly opened his eyes to look up at the floating unicorn before him. Maybe she had got tired, maybe she had run out of magic or maybe she had just recognized her friend. Whatever the reason, she had stopped her attack on Rustjaw. Her eyes were no longer glowing with arcane power and she had released her magic, allowing the dazzling flare that had been her horn to go dim. Tears streamed down her face, matting her fur, as she looked at Iron with a glazed look of incomprehension.

“He’s gone isn’t he?” She asked in a quiet, almost childlike, voice.

Iron merely nodded in response, unable to respond with his emotion cracked voice. A weeping sob escaped from the unicorn as she slowly began to descend from her magical levitation. Gently, Iron wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his huge chest, allowing the unicorn’s tears to be absorbed by his thick fur. He softly rocked Summer back and forth, as one would a child, wracking sobs and heart-wrenching wails emanating from her. Iron closed his eyes as he held Summer tenderly, allowing his own tears to finally flow.

Lost in their moment of shared sorrow, neither of them noticed the squirming that came from Rustjaw’s smoking form. They did not see the burnt flesh begin to ripple and move, repairing itself as the black water in the serpent’s stomach began to take control. All thoughts of escaping from the being that had hurt him so much fled from Rustjaw’s mind as the cursed liquid, which he had inadvertently consumed when he attacked Sergeant Brick, began to dominate his thoughts.

Neither Summer or Iron noticed as the creature that was once Rustjaw began to raise itself again to tower over the ship. The Black Water had a host once more, and it was ready to bring terror to any who would stand against it.

Author's Note

Pretty much unedited this time.

Wow, this was a tough chapter to write, especially on a deadline. I finished writing this about 5 minutes ago and, other than a quick read by me, there has been next to no editing on it. I apologize for that but with the deadline and all I didn't have time to send this to my editors. I hope both you guys and they will forgive me for that.

This is the first time ever that I have killed off a protagonist. It's a tough thing to do I've got to admit, even for a relatively minor character like Sergeant Brick. I made myself very sad writing his death scene and had to stop and compose myself more than a few times, often going off to listen to happy music before coming back to it in an attempt to stay un-depressed. Still, I think it turned out alright and may actually be one of the strongest scenes I've written for this story. Feel free to tell me what you guys think.

Also, yeah, Summer doesn't deal very well with personal loss it seems, particularly when its someone who is supposed to be under her command. Everyone deals with loss in different ways. Summer happens to deal with it by turning into the ponyfication of the mutant Storm from X-men. Kinda appropriate.

Anyways, hope you had fun with that chapter and I'll see you next week,
Barrel-of-fun

Thicker than Water

So there I was, bleeding quite profusely, trapped inside my own mind with the dead body of an evil warlock torturer pony lying nearby and a goddess toting a submachine gun standing over me.

Overall, a pretty standard day for me so far.

With her enemy disposed of, Lady Luck finally looked over to me, her expression suddenly going from the cold anger she had directed at Kowelth to one of great concern at seeing the state of me.

“Oh, you poor dear,” She exclaimed in a tone that, had I not just seen her blast a unicorn apart with a Tommy gun made out of her own willpower, could be described as motherly. Tossing her weapon to one side she knelt down beside me and placed one hand upon my chest. “Here, let me help you with that,” She murmured as I felt a strange soothing warmth run through me. After a strange tingling sensation, I felt my body become as good as new, much to my amazement.

“...Where the hell was that when I was laid up in hospital for a week?”

The Lady coughed, “Erm...Gods are not allowed to interfere in the affairs of mortals?”

I raised an eyebrow and looked over to Kowelth’s body, which looked pretty damn interfered with.

“Fine,” She pouted, “I was tired from using my powers to cheat Ares out of some magical arrows. It was exhausting just to manifest myself to you and berate you for being in such a state. Speaking of which...”

I winced back and closed my eyes on reflex in preparation for the verbal beatdown of my relatively short lifetime. Imagine my surprise when, instead of of a tongue lashing, Lady Luck simply grabbed my hand and hauled me up with her surprising strength.

“C’mon, let’s get a drink. You look like you need one.”

Still slightly dazed, I allowed myself to be led over to my mind bar, which thankfully had managed to escape the worst of the devastation. I didn’t have time to fully inspect the drink selection earlier, mostly due to the whole evil psycho unicorn thing, but now that I had the time I noticed something strange about the drinks. Upon the label of each bottle behind the bar, in place of the usual brands of intoxicatingly wonderful drinks, was a date. Below each date was a short description in tasteful flowing text. I squinted at the nearest one and squinted hard:

13/04/2009
Stole a total of five wallets from CEOs of various businesses. Blew the money on whiskey and party poppers. Held impromptu drunken party in mafia den.

The next one along revealed a little more of the tale:

14/04/2009
Woke up surrounded by members of the mafia. Received three broken bones, multiple bruises and a fractured jaw before managing to escape out a window.

“They’re memories,” Lady Luck pointed out, “And some pretty hilarious ones at that.”

“Okay...that’s not creepy at all. Does this bar have any, you know, actual drinks or is it all just terrifying recollections?”

“Oh, I’m sure we can figure something out, we just have to be creative. Just look for any dates where you were particularly drunk.”

That didn’t take too long really. All I had to do was look for any dates around Christmas time and then start reading. Back home, on Earth that is, Christmas was always a sore time for me. Maybe it was something about a time of the year where everyone stayed snug inside with their families that rubbed me the wrong way, considering I never had that...

“Ah, here we go!” Lady Luck cried triumphantly, holding up a bottle for my inspection. The label was surprisingly concise, but exactly what we were looking for in the circumstances.

24/12/2011
Drunk.

Well ain’t that just a tragic little window into my life.

Regardless, I plucked the bottle from the goddess’s fingers and deftly popped the cork out on the edge of the bar. Smelling the liquid inside didn’t do me much good in identifying what exactly it was, even with my rather extensive knowledge of alcohols. Memories don’t smell like any drink I’ve ever encountered. Though they do smell very strong.

As I poured the two of us a drink of pure Memory, I felt the need to ask a question that had been buzzing at the back of my mind for a while.

“If you don’t mind me asking, why do you do all this?” I began, getting a raised eyebrow from Lady Luck, causing me to wave my arm at the destroyed casino, “I mean helping me. Why do you care enough to save me when I do stupid things like getting caught? Aren’t I just a pawn to you?”

For a moment, Lady Luck looked furious at the question and I feared I had overstepped my boundaries by questioning her. Then all her anger disappeared as she sighed into her glass, raising it to her lips and swallowing the whole drink.

“I’ve never viewed you as a pawn, you know that right?” She looked directly at me now, her eyes earnest. “You are many things Ace, more than you currently know, but you are not my pawn.”

“So what am I to you? You chose me to be this ‘Wild Card’, your champion you said. But surely there are much better candidates? Soldiers and fighters. Tacticians and geniuses. Men and women who can command a situation just by being in it. So why me? Why some no-name thief from the streets of London?”

Lady Luck sighed again, something that she was doing with alarming frequency recently. “Have you ever heard of Hercules?” She asked suddenly.

“I think I watched a Disney movie about him once, why?” I asked, confused by the sudden change of subject.

“Well, just so you know, I blame him for all this,” She waved one hand to indicate both the general area and myself, “Not just him of course, Theseus and Jason and all the others played their parts as well. Here, Drink up.” And she reached over and poured some more Memory into my glass.

“Can we even get drunk here?”

The Lady frowned, “I’m actually not sure. But then, considering what I’m about to tell you, it’s worth trying. Where was I?”

“You were ranting about Hercules or something.”

“Oh right. Basically, back in the day, gods such as myself used to do some really stupid things. I’m talking really stupid here. A bit like those people in America who celebrate their liberty by shoving fireworks up their asses. That level of stupidity. Naturally, all this messing about ended up with something no one wants on their hands.”

“A lawsuit?” I guessed.

“No, worse. Children. We had to keep messing around with mortals, which led to demigods,” She took a deep gulp of her drink, “We gods were young back then. We had no idea how to raise children so we did what any young parent does. We alternated wildly between spoiling them rotten and practically abusing them with our demands. This led to entire generations of self-entitled, emotionally-damaged superheroes running around killing stuff for fun.”

“I’m still not seeing where this is going.”

“Hold on, I’m getting there. Anyways, the demigods. Eventually, the Big Man realised just what terrible parents we all are and chose to do something decisive. Of course, the thunderbolt throwing jarhead was was never the brightest star in the sky so his decision was marred slightly by his usual brand of incompetence. Instead of forbidding us from sexing up mortals whenever we feel like, he instead chose to ban us from raising our children. Said that they had a better chance of growing up normal if we just left them with mortals. Bastard.” She spat with a level of venom that I had never seen from her before.

“So you’re not allowed to raise your children?”

“Oh it gets worse. Not only are we not allowed to raise them but we have to give them over to the Big Man for ‘relocation’. That’s right, we don’t even get to chose where our kids go!” All of a sudden, the glass in Lady Luck’s hand shattered, her death grip upon it evidently proving to be too much. She stared blankly at the glass that had lodged in her hand and the blood that slowly trickled downwards.

I was a little scared to be honest. I’d never seen the Lady like this before. She was usually so...calm. The sort of ethereal calm that only a god could project. Even when she had been angry at me after the whole White Tail Incident she still hadn’t been as bad as this. That anger was born out of concern for me, either as her valuable puppet or however else she viewed our relationship. This wrath wasn’t directed at me, but instead was aimed at herself. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that this anger was born out of...

Guilt.

“Wait...what exactly are you trying to tell me here?” Worry tinged my voice as I spoke, threatening to break it as I began to get an inkling of what she was talking about.

“Ace...those years of your life that you spent alone. Growing up without anyone to hold you, to care for you. Surviving on your wits and your speed...” She looked up at me now, holding my eyes with her own tear filled ones, “Ace, I’m so sorry.”

I was silent as I stared back at her. No words seemed appropriate at the moment as I tried to process what she was telling me. “Are...are you saying...?”

“Yes Ace, I am your mother.”

I looked away from her, unable to stare into her pearly orbs any longer as they begged me for forgiveness. I idly noted that I had drained my drink and was unconsciously pouring another. A thousand times I had gone over what I would do if I ever found my parents. These little fantasies ranged from revenge daydreams to accepting and tearful hugs all round. Needless to say, I had not expected this to be the reunion that I had dreamed of for so long.

More than a few of these little fantasies in my head ended with me telling my true parents that I didn’t need them. That I had survived without them under my own power. Now I couldn’t even do that. As confident as I was with my skills, a damningly insistent part of my mind told me that my luck had saved me more than a few times. This luck wasn’t a part of me, just a gift from an estranged mother apparently.

“So where does this leave us?” I finally managed to say after three glasses of Memory.

Lady Luck turned back to the bar and grabbed another glass, quickly filling it and taking a sip. “I’m not sure. It’s up to you I guess...” Her tone, almost pleading as it was, clearly stated what she wanted.

“Who’s my father?” I asked suddenly.

“What?” Lady Luck’s head snapped up to look at me.

“My father. Who is he? I mean, unless gods can just do it by themselves I guess.”

“No, no, nothing like that. He was a gambler by the name of Peter Wilding. He was one of the best players in the circuit for a while and then, one day, I decided to go against him in a game of high-stakes poker.” She smiled in nostalgia, “Oh what a game that was. I was so confident that I would win I even put my heart on the line, no small move for a goddess. And then he managed to pull a royal flush out of nowhere. I’m pretty sure he was cheating...but I didn’t mind.”

“What happened to him?”

“After I gave birth to you, the Big Man found out and banned me from interfering with Peter’s life. It meant I could do little more than watch as Peter eventually cheated the wrong man at cards...and payed the price for it.”

I winced at that and took another gulp of my drink. I had seen what happened when a card shark wasn’t careful with their prey and couldn’t imagine what it was like to be forced to watch as a loved one went through that.

“Sorry,” I murmured, getting a silent nod from her in response, “So...you’re my mum eh?” She nodded again, “I’m having more than a bit of trouble believing that to be honest.”

“Well it’s true.”

“If so then what happe-Oh sweet merciful gods!” I spat out my drink as I realised something.

Lady Luck turned around in surprise, looking half ready to blast some new threat, “What? What’s wrong?”

“I just realised. When we first met and you sent me to Equestria...I thought you were sexy! That is so wrong!” I stuck my tongue out in disgust as though I had tasted something sickening.

Lady Luck stared at me for a moment as she comprehended the situation. Then she began to giggle, a light tone that tinkled in the air. Before long her giggling had gone to full blown laughter as she rocked about in her bar stool, looking danger of falling on the floor from laughter. Surprisingly, I found myself chuckling as well, before joining her in raucous laughter.

“Looks like your old mum has still got it.” Lady Luck managed to say through her snickering, which prompted a fresh wave of merriment from the two of us. Maybe this Memory drink was actually managing to affect us after all.

I wiped a tear of laughter from my eye as I slowly managed to calm down, “Wow, we are one fucked up family aren’t we?”

“Yeah I guess so,” Lady Luck responded, managing to cease her rocking by holding onto the bar, “Not exactly the hugs-and-kisses, be in bed by eight sharp and stay in school type are we?”

“Definitely not. By the way, what do I call you? Lady Luck just seems so,” I frowned before managing to spit the word that neither of us was fond of, “formal.”

“How about Fortuna? Or maybe Tyche? Those are some of my original names after all.” She paused as if struggling with what to say next, “Or maybe Mum? If you want to that is.” She asked hopefully.

I froze before letting out a sad smile, “Maybe one day but this is all still so...new. I think I’ll stick with Fortuna for now.”

Fortuna responded with a sad smile of her own, “I understand.” She said sincerely, not quite managing to keep the hurt out of her voice. “Anyway, we should see about getting you back to the real world. Events are progressing quickly now and it would be a shame if you were to miss them.” She stood up and I joined her so that we were facing each other in front of the bar.

“Before you send me back, I just want to say...” I struggled with my words on this point as I gazed at her, deeply aware that my own eyes were shimmering with barely restrained tears, “Thanks for helping me out all these years. I understand that you couldn’t interfere directly but...thank you anyway, for the luck you know.”

I suddenly found myself swept up into an embrace as Fortuna buried her head into my shoulder. Surprised, I wasn’t sure how to react for a moment before eventually allowing the embrace, wrapping my arms around her as well.

“Ace, I am so very proud of you.” She said, her voice breaking slightly as she whispered into my ear. “My son...”

We stood like that for a while, simply enjoying the embrace of a relative we both thought we’d never be able to interact with. Fortuna was clearly unwilling to break her hold and, to my surprise, I found that I shared the sentiment.

Imagine what the gangs back home would think. The great thief Ace, a feared foe to all who possessed valuables, desperately hugging his mother and crying like a baby. I couldn’t care less about my image though. For the first time in my life, I didn’t need to be the suave thief or the plucky survivor. At the moment I felt like a little boy. A little boy who missed his mother. Tears happily streamed down my face and around my wide smile, slowly dripping off to dampen Fortuna’s suit. I could feel a similar situation developing on the shoulder of my own coat as a goddesses’ - no, a mother’s - tears began to pool there.

Eventually, we were forced to break the embrace and look at each other. Years of earnest longing, of loneliness and pain, of guilt and anger and negligent showing for all the world to see. My eyelids began to feel heavy and slowly started to close of their own volition, though I managed to keep a smile on my face as they did so.

I would probably never have a proper parental relationship. But this...this was a good start.

I woke up with the bonds that held me mysteriously gone. A little help from above I guess. Kowelth was standing exactly where he had been when our mind battle had begun, except now he was staring blankly ahead and drooling slightly out the side of his mouth. So that’s what the result of losing a mind battle is. Now I am extremely grateful for Fortuna’s assistance.

I gingerly stepped around the unmoving unicorn and picked up my gear from the table nearby, slipping each instrument and tool back into its proper place. I was more than a bit amazed that they hadn’t bothered to take my stuff more than a few feet away from me. This is the second time they’ve managed to capture me and they keep making the same stupid mistakes. Maybe they’re just really firm believers in the phrase ‘third time’s the charm’?

Regardless of their faith in stock phrases, I had no intention of getting captured again. Not when I now knew I had a mother figure who would greatly disapprove of that. What if she frowned at me? Or if she told me off?

What if she was...disappointed in me?

I’ve heard that a mother’s disappointment is a terrible thing to have to face, even more so than anger. I still remember the tale of Antonio Musumeci, who had been an Italian gangster of some fame, running home with his tail between his legs when he heard his mother’s disapproving tone. I can only hope it won’t be that bad for me. Poor Antonio could never show his face in the underworld again without being called a ‘momma’s boy’. Of course, Antonio was also a violent psychopath so it wasn’t like his presence was really missed.

All these thoughts flitted through my head as I left the torture room and crept through the lower bowels of the ship, which meant that I wasn’t paying the greatest amount of attention to my surroundings. I’d just had an earth-shattering bombshell dropped on me, I think I can be forgiven for being a little lax.

Although, as the crossbow bolt flew past my head, nicking my ear and causing a thin stream of blood to flow out, I kind of wish I had been paying more attention.

Being snapped quite forcefully out of my reverie, I looked up to notice the lone pony stood in front of me. He was a perfectly white pegasus with a long, almost feminine looking mane. His wings were fully outstretched, revealing the twin automatic crossbows he had strapped beneath them. An infuriatingly smug smirk adorned his muzzle, revealing surprisingly perfect teeth for a pirate.

“Ha! I knew that fool Kowelth wouldn’t be able to hold you for long.” Oh dear gods even his voice was infuriating. It was like someone had tried to grab every accent that could be even slightly described as ‘posh’ and meld them all together into one eldritch vocal abomination. “But as for moi, I am Lieutenant Hunter, Thought Hunter, and I am much better than that. I’ve analysed you. I know you. At heart, you’re a coward who avoids a direct confrontation in favour of tricks and silly rouses. In a straight up fight, I think I alone should be able to-”

It was at about this point in his self-important monologue that my knife slammed into the meaty part of his right foreleg. For a few moments, he just looked at it in complete silence, seemingly amazed that someone would interrupt him.

Of course, then he started screaming.

“OH SWEET CELESTIA! You stabbed me! Who does that? This really hurts you know!” He continued to blubber incoherently for a moment before he seemed to remember that he had freakin’ crossbows attached to his wings. “You’ll pay for th-huh?”

I was, of course, not stupid enough to give him a chance to aim. In the time he spent whining about being stabbed, I had already stepped forward, crossing the short distance between the two of us. My right hoof swept up into a snap kick, sending his head shooting upwards to look at the ceiling and his eyes spinning. Planting my right leg firmly on the floor I spun my entire body around, my left leg swinging around into a vicious spinning reverse roundhouse kick that slammed into the side of the stallion’s head. The force of the blow sent the pony flying to one side, his hooves actually leaving the floor for a moment before he landed in a heap, his breathing deep and his body not moving.

“Huh, that was the easiest boss fight I’ve ever had. If that was their lieutenant than the rest of the crew should be a cakewalk.” I murmured as I retrieved my knife from the good lieutenant's leg.

As I moved towards the ladder, ready to face an entire shipful of bloodthirsty pirates, I let out a sigh. I really need a safer hobby than this. Maybe I should take up origami or something.

I pondered that for a moment.

Nah, that sounds boring. Fuck that noise, let’s go poke a hornet’s nest.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7

So yeah...that all just happened. You know how almost every chapter now I've been saying in these little notes that I'm unsure of what I'm writing and would really like some feedback? Yeah, well, this is pretty much the height of it all right here. With the whole mother-son reunion thing I'm trying to plunge to emotional depths that I've never really gone to before. I'm not an overly emotional person in real life (I actually think I might be slightly sociopathic but that's a matter for a psychologist, not the comments section on Fimfiction) so when I try to install emotions in my characters I always feel that comes across as a bit...cheesy? Yeah, let's go with cheesy until I can find a better word for it.

Basically, any feedback I can get on this chapter at all would be great. Do you disagree with my decision to reveal Ace's lineage? Do you disagree with Lady Luck being his mother? Do you feel that I went about this in the wrong way?

Most of all though, is there anyone out there who has real life experience with meeting an estranged parental figure? I understand that this might be a very private thing to ask of some people but I would dearly like to know what they experienced. Their thoughts and their feelings in such emotionally volatile situations are more valuable than gold to authors. At the moment, I'm still considering pulling this chapter down and re-writing it entirely, or at least changing some parts of it, to make the character's reactions more real. Any help I can get with this would be great.

Okay, rant over. Hope you enjoyed the read.
Barrel-of-fun,

Dead in the Water

Like so many things in life, Summer and Iron’s touching embrace was broken by the horrific screech of a giant monster. The two slowly turned their heads to look up at the rising form of Rustjaw.

“How...how is it still alive?” Summer whispered in shock.

The giant serpent had changed drastically over the past few minutes, his once blue scales turning jet black and his teeth, already long and numerous enough to make any shark feel inadequate by comparison, had suddenly grown more jagged. Not only that, but his entire jaw had been twisted and mutated beyond reason, going from the normal u-shaped gums that most creatures had to a strange circular set-up. The round jaw looked uncomfortably like the entrance to some sort of terrifying cave, the effect only slightly marred by the many gleaming teeth that populated the cave entrance. Many would say that it was impossible for things to get any worse.

And then the teeth began to spin.

Against all rational natural reason, Rustjaw’s teeth began to rotate around his mouth, turning the beast’s maw into a whirling pit of death and fangs. Summer and Iron watched, half in fascination and half in horror, as something began to emerge from the depths of Rustjaw’s throat, carefully negotiating its way past the spinning chainsaw teeth. With what sounded like a hacking cough, Rustjaw finally managed to get whatever it was out of his throat. A dozen tentacles emerged from his mouth, framed horrifically by the spinning wall of silver death around them. Each tentacle had a pair of red eyes on the end and, as their mouths split open to reveal teeth that would have been threatening where they not dwarfed by Rustjaw’s own, Summer and Iron realized where they had seen this before.

“Oh...well that explains how the beast survived that.” Iron muttered.

Summer grimaced in response, “Yeah, but now there is a more important question.”

“And what’s that?”

“How are we going to survive?”

Before Iron could respond, Rustjaw let out another screech which, amazingly, wasn’t too gargled by the fact that he had a dozen tentacles sticking out of his mouth. The smaller snakeheads, seemingly in response to the sea serpent, let out a shrieking hiss of their own before they collectively darted forward, heading directly for the minotaur and the unicorn. Without even needing to communicate, the two experienced warriors dodged to the side, Iron rolling to the left whilst Summer leapt to the right, both of them quickly recovering and turning around to see what damage the creature’s attack had managed to inflict.

Each of the twelve heads had struck a different part of the deck where the two had just been standing and each head had bitten down on their respective targets. Even though the red eyes had narrowed in anger and a hiss of disappointment was coming from each of them, that didn’t impede the blood-chilling effect that their bites had. The wooden deck around each head slowly began to darken, going from shining wood to dark grey in seconds. With a start, the minotaur and the unicorn realised what was happening. The creature’s bite had turned the wood into iron. Seemingly, the tales of Rustjaw having a magical breath attack that turned objects into iron had translated into his mutated form.

The snakeheads were far from done yet though. Each jaw clamped down all the tighter, needle-like teeth managing to dig into the solid metal. With a single shriek of protest, the tortured metal was ripped from the deck of the ship and shot upwards, moving faster than the eye could track as the tentacles returned back into Rustjaw’s mouth with their meal. The various scraps of metal were tossed almost carelessly into the spinning grinder of teeth, the sound of metal being ripped apart filled the air as each piece of debris was torn apart into tiny chunks and funneled into the serpent’s gullet.

Gulping, Summer and Iron managed to close their open jaws, amazed at the sheer destructive violence that had just been displayed. There was one thought that was going through their mind; a single attack from Rustjaw would be the end of them, without a doubt. No being could survive something like that. However, they both knew that they couldn’t merely dodge forever and, with them being trapped on a ship in the middle of the ocean, chances of escaping the sea monster were slim to none.

Gritting her teeth and trying to ignore the mounting headache that pounded through her skull, Summer charged her horn, channeling even more magic through her body. Spots danced at the corner of her eyes and she was vaguely aware that her legs were shaking uncontrollable, yet she continued regardless. She had used up far more magic than was safe for a unicorn of her calibre, which was a fact that she was choosing to ignore for now. Even when she was practically running on fumes, she had no intention of leaving Iron to fight on his own.

Out of the corner of his eye, Iron saw several bolts fly out from Summer, impacting the beast’s scales to little effect, doing little more than seeming to tickle the colossal monster. Quickly, Iron began to assess what little they had in terms of weapons. Unfortunately, with Rustjaw being situated safely out at sea, he was far out of punching range for the minotaur. Not only that, but there was very few items left on the deck that had survived Summer’s rage storm and none of them looked to be weighty enough to harm the beast. Other than the two adventurer’s own abilities, the only thing they had to work with was the ship itself.

“Summer!” Iron bellowed across the deck, his booming voice only just managing to carry through the wild winds that had been whipped up by the magical typhoon earlier.

“What?!” The unicorn shouted back, frustration entering her voice as the fatigue began to get to her.

“Do you think you can hold yonder beasty still for a minute? I have a plan.”

“Oh wonderful, the bull has a plan.” Summer muttered, before shouting back, “Maybe, but you’ll have to be quick with whatever you’re thinking of.”

Iron simply nodded before rushing off to do whatever it was his plan entailed. Summer, for her part, simply snorted and turned back to face Rustjaw, her horn lightning up once more. The giant serpent appeared to be preparing for another attack, rearing its large head back as the mouth-tentacles danced around, tongues flicking out of the smaller mouths as they tasted the air and hissed menacingly. The razor sharp teeth continued to spin about happily inside the dark maw, promising a swift and brutal death to any who came near.

Summer had to admit, the new mutated Rustjaw was one of the creepiest things she’d ever seen. And she had once walked in on her dad in the shower when she was younger. Some small, cynical part of her mind was strangely thankful to the sea serpent for giving her nightmares some variety. So at least there was that silver lining.

Gritting her teeth and focusing her wandering thoughts, Summer began to draw in the very last of her magical essence. Her very bones ached as she drew upon the one piece of magic that all unicorns were taught never to use; her life essence. This spark of magic was within all ponies and should only be used in the most dire of circumstances. It was what gave them their great joy for life, it provided them with their abilities and connected all members of ponykind together. Even as she channeled this spark, the magic flowing from deep within her to her horn, Summer could practically feel her lifespan being cut shorter. By using up her life essence, she was practically condemning herself to an early grave. If she didn’t though, then their grave would be a watery one right here and now.

With a shriek of pain and rage, the magical build up shot out of Summer’s horn. Unlike her earlier attacks, this one was not the smooth attacks of a trained mage, nor the furious assault of an enraged unicorn. This attack was quite clearly a desperate one, cast by a mare who had literally nothing left to give. The lighting that came out her horn seemed to be travelling almost sluggishly towards its target and was coming out in short, ragged bursts, each one progressively shorter than the last.

Despite their pathetic looking nature, the bolts quite clearly had an effect on their target. They slammed into Rustjaw with impressive force, many scales splintering and cracking under their aggression, the skin beneath steaming and burning. The true power of the attack wasn’t in it’s direct power though, but in the effect it had on Rustjaw. The great serpent bellowed and shrieked in pain as the magically formed electric current seized up his muscles, preventing him from doing little more than spasming. To all intents and purposes, Rustjaw was trapped, unable to avoid any attacks that came his way.

Which meant he couldn’t react when Iron Will grabbed the wheel of the ship and spun it hard.

Wooden groans and creaks issued out as the ship itself appeared to be protesting against being forced to turn. The wild winds, caused by Summer’s earlier outburst, leaped onto Iron’s idea with gusto, quickly filling the sails as they turned to catch the gale in their canvas embrace. Iron was forced to grab hold of a rail as the deck shifted dangerously about beneath him. The exhausted Summer was not so quick, however, and took a tumble across the deck, barely managing to grab a rope in her mouth before she tumbled overboard. She hung there precariously like some peculiar pony piñata as the ship went through its violent turn.

Turning a ship at sea is nowhere near as simple as turning a cart on land. Ships are large, and rather ponderous, meaning that they tend to have quite large turning circles. Therefore, when Iron Will attempted to execute his sudden u-turn, the ship naturally encountered some logistical problems.

Mainly, the electrocuted and helpless body of Rustjaw that was blocking its path.

Four hundred tonnes of sailing ship met one hundred and seventy tonnes of sea serpent in an epic clash with predictable results. As the wooden side of the ship slammed into Rustjaw’s body, both of them crumpled under the impact. Wood around the immediate area of contact practically exploded, instantly folding under the pressure and sending shrapnel flying as they broke. The planks of wood were not the only casualties in the collision though. Scales from the serpent cracked and fell from his withered hide, some were cleft entirely in two whilst others simply fell off from the force of the impact running through Rustjaw’s body.

The now partially naked monster collapsed onto the remaining deck of the ship, half of his great body still hanging in the water whilst the rest was left trapped, beached upon the vessel. It’s spinning teeth now lay completely still and the mouth-tentacles hung out his gaping mouth like some sick parody of a lolling tongue. All of the beast’s eyes were shut, either in pain, unconsciousness or death, Iron couldn’t tell. At the moment he had greater priorities.

Abandoning his post by the wheel, he hurried across the deck, sprinting around Rustjaw’s prone form to reach where Summer lay. When the ship and serpent had collided, she had been sent flying to the deck, to land there with a nauseating crunch and remain unmoving. Iron knelt down by his friend and gently wrapped his arms around her, cradling her in his grasp. Feeling the touch of the minotaur, Summer began to awaken slightly, her eyelids fluttering to look up at Iron and her eyes themselves clearly dazed.

“Iron,” She whispered wearily, “Did you just shoulder barge a sea monster with a ship?”

Iron let out a choking laugh, half thankful that she was alive and half amused , “Yeah, it seemed an appropriate thing to do at the time.”

“That is soooo...” Summer’s woozy mind seemed to struggle to find the right words, “Awesome, yeah. It’s awesome. And so are we.” She let out a weak chuckle, “I’m gonna have to find some way to reward you for being so awesome later.”

Iron’s eyes shot open as he looked down on the unicorn, who didn’t seem quite as dazed as she had a second ago, “Summer, what are you saying?”

“No more pussyhoofing around.” She declared, her eyes determined and her jaw set, “Once this is all over, we are going out for a nice meal as more than just friends. I like you Iron and I’m pretty sure you like me in return,” Iron nodded numbly and Summer chuckled again, “Knew it. You promise right? A nice meal, with suits...and a band...and all the trimmings.”

“I promise.” Iron smiled.

“Sweet. I’ve used up way too much magic though. Gonna pass out now.” Hesitantly, she raised one leg and ran a hoof along the minotaur’s jaw, “Stay awesome for just a bit longer alright?”

Iron hesitated and began to respond, but Summer had already closed her eyes and slipped into unconsciousness. Instead, the minotaur simply leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on the unicorn’s brow, just above her horn. With barely a grunt of effort, Iron lifted Summer’s prone form up from the deck and began to walk away, ready to try and signal some sort of lift and leave this damn place.

However, just as he was about to walk away, a disturbing sound came from behind him, from a place where there should only be the creaking of wood and the roar of the waves. It was a disgusting sound, like the ripping of flesh from bones. Hesitantly, Iron began to turn, Summer still clutched protectively in his arms, to behold a sight he really didn’t want to see.

The skin on the great serpent was rippling and moving of its own volition. Wherever the flesh pulsated the most it seemed to begin to harden and grow outwards, ossifying at an incredible rate and growing new scales to replace those that had recently been lost. Iron subconsciously pulled Summer’s form a little tighter to his chest as his jaw dropped.

This thing just would not die!

Quickly, Iron gathered his thoughts before he lost them to panic. Fact: Summer was out of the fight right for now. Fact: He had very little time before Rustjaw managed to regenerate fully. Fact: Should the previous fact be allowed to happen, then Iron would quickly find himself in a situation most would refer to as ‘pants-shitting terror’.

His mind raced at a mile a minute as he considered all of his options. His gaze leapt back and forth between the unconscious form of Summer and the beast before him. Eventually, a terrible calm descended on Iron as he decided what he had to do.

Turning away from Rustjaw, he slowly marched to the foredeck of the ship, climbing up the staircase and gently laying Summer down at the top. Hopefully, all the way up here, she would be safe from what he was about to do. Iron whispered a small prayer to whatever gods could hear him, thanking them for her being asleep right now. She would not like to see what was about to happen.

With a sombre pace, Iron began to walk back towards the prone form of Rustjaw, sending one last glance over his shoulder at Summer. Some treacherous thought broke through the oppressive miasma that hung over his head, sneakily whispering to him how cute she looked when she slept. How peaceful she looked in that moment, even as a storm roared about them and a monster from the darkest depths was seconds away from awakening to devour them all. How desperately Iron wanted to run over to her, to grab her and flee this place. For a moment, he seriously considered it. He could make a raft of some sort from the wood of the ship, grab her and sail their way out of this living Tartarus.

With a slow shaking of his head, Iron banished these thoughts. He couldn’t allow this monster to regenerate and escape. The strange mutations it had gained from the Black Water would allow it to become a terror to anyone who dared go near the sea. No, he had a chance to end this here and now, before the serpent could recover. Iron knew he had to take that chance.

No matter what the cost.

As he reached the stairs down to the main deck, Iron noticed something strange about the creature. Almost the entire body of the snake was rippling as he regenerated lost scales, but the head remained completely unaffected. The large cracked scale that had been caused by Sergeant Brick’s final sacrifice was still there, untouched by the strange healing factor of the Black Water. Perhaps it was because the injury was caused before the introduction of the Black Water? Maybe whatever mutational effect the liquid had assumed that the cracked plate was just a part of Rustjaw and had decided not to heal it?

Whatever the reason, Iron could see that his luck had turned. Not only was the beast vulnerable now, but its weak spot, the only place on its cranium not covered by thick scales, was exposed to the world as it lay prone on the deck.

Iron frowned as he realised a problem with attacking it there. Even without scales, Rustjaw was huge. His skull would be far too dense to penetrate with anything short of a sledgehammer, and the ship was sadly lacking in any tools or weighty objects after what it had been through. Perhaps if he checked below deck?

As Iron considered this, a shiver passed through the serpent’s bulk as it continued to heal. The minotaur grimaced as he strode directly towards the monster’s maw, knowing what he had to do. Since he had no time to find a heavy weapon, he would just have to make one.

Standing in the shadow of Rustjaw was a nerve wracking affair, especially considering that the fiend could awaken at any moment. With this knowledge firmly at the forefront of his mind, Iron acted quickly. Striding forward and kneeling down, he grasped one of the mouth-tentacles in one hand, shivering internally at just how cold and slimy the appendage felt. Clamping his hand around the snakehead;s mouth, he pried it’s jaw open with a few of his meaty fingers, revealing the needle-like teeth that inhabited its mouth.

Teeth that could turn anything into metal.

Iron had observed the effect closely earlier, noting how the immediate area around the bite, almost a half-metre with in fact, had been turned into solid iron. The minotaur knew that there was no way around it, this next part was going to hurt. A lot. Forming his spare hand into a solid fist, Iron brought it closer to the snakehead’s open jaw and it’s magical teeth that could turn anything to iron.

It was only as he forced the teeth into his left fist, easily breaking the skin, that Iron realised the irony.

He would have snorted at that particular pun if he wasn’t already pulling the unmoving snakehead from his flesh and casting it away, gritting his teeth as he prepared for the pain that was no doubt about to hit him. Iron Will focused all of his considerable mental fortitude inwards, ready to fight of the coming pain.

It was not enough.

His mouth shot open in a bellow as the first wave of pain shot through his arm, his crouched knees immediately buckling underneath him as he fell to the deck. His eyes immediately narrowed and his breathing became ragged and forced as he focused entirely upon his closed fist. The fur there, a steely greyish-blue, had slowly begun to darken, each individual strand of fur slowly flattening down as it changed material composition and became more weighted. The skin beneath the fur joined it a moment later, swiftly petrifying as it too was turned to iron. Eventually, the entire affected area was a dull, dark grey and the curse continued deeper.

Iron’s mouth shot open again as the second wave of pain hit, though the sound that came out could not be called a bellow. A strangled scream rent the air as Iron clutched his good hand to the afflicted one. He forced his eyes shut, tears of pain slowly working their way out of the closed slits. Even though he couldn’t see the effect of the serpent’s bite, he could still feel it. An unbearable pain shooting through his arm as the blood vessels and muscles in his fist were slowly altered, growing harder and thicker until they eventually became pure iron. The minotaur could feel his heart hammering against his chest, desperately trying to pump blood into an area that it simply couldn’t accept anymore. For a moment, Iron felt like his chest was going to explode from the pressure before it eventually died down, his nervous system evidently deciding that his left arm must have been lost and, thus, didn’t need blood anymore. Well, it was half right.

Strangely, the next part was practically painless, especially compared to the last two steps. The cursed bite had finally reached the bones in his hand and begun to convert them to iron as well. However, except for a slight tingling feeling and the inexplicable urge to scratch at his bones, Iron could honestly say that he barely felt a thing as the bones in his hand were altered and turned into metal.

With the process complete, Iron wearily struggled to his hooves, panting from exhaustion. Slowly, he brought his left arm up in front of him, observing the changed limb. A solid grey fist greeted him, the smoothly textured metal extending about halfway down the minotaur’s forearm before cutting off abruptly as the magical bite ran out of range. As he ran one hand over it, Iron was confused by how strangely warm the metal limb was, a comforting sort of warmth rather than the cold iron that he was expecting.

Shrugging once, Iron let his new fist fall to his side as he began to walk towards the shuddering form of Rustjaw. The serpent’s regeneration had continued through Iron’s transformation, to the point where most of the scales had been reformed and the serpent’s body was jerking around, his lower end thrashing about in the water. Iron increased his pace as he grew closer to the serpent’s shaking side, slowly building up speed until he had reached a full sprint, speeding directly at the wall of flesh.

Just as it looked like he was about to impact, Iron’s leg muscles tensed up underneath him and he converted his momentum into a running jump, his metallic hand attempting to pull him to the ground with its weight whilst his organic hand was raised high into the air, ready to grasp whatever it could.

The air exploded out of Iron’s lungs as he slammed into the side of the creature, his right arm scrabbling about before eventually managing to seize the edge of a scale. Iron grunted in pain as the sharp scale cut into his hand but he refused to give up. The torn flesh was nothing compared to what he had just been through and he wasn’t about to give up now. With a snort, Iron swung his other, more weighted hand up, even though it couldn’t grab anything it was still better than hauling it up after him. Bracing his hooves against the beast’s hide, the minotaur scaled his way up onto Rustjaw’s enormous back, feeling like an ant in comparison to the giant serpent.

On woozy legs, Iron stumbled his way across Rustjaw’s back and towards his head, almost slipping several times but always managing to correct himself before he fell. Despite his faltering gait, Iron eventually managed to make his way to to his target, the cracked plate now directly in front of his hooves.The iron-handed minotaur frowned down at it, wondering if his plan could actually work and, if it did, if it would actually put Rustjaw down for good. As he was considering this, a particularly violent shudder went through the serpent’s body, the agitated shaking threatening to knock the minotaur from his hooves. Deciding not to waste anymore time, Iron Will got to work.

Silently, Iron raised his metallic left fist above his head, it’s immobile shape hanging there for a moment like a terrible hammer before, with a roar of anger, the minotaur brought it slamming down. The fist crashed down directly onto the exposed bit of skin in between the cracked plate. The weak flesh split open under the force of the blow, dark blood seeping out around the broken hide. Iron wasn’t done yet though. With another mighty roar, he brought the fist up, and back down again. The crack opened up further under the strike, even more blood seeping out and pooling around the injury.

The fist came up, and back down again.

And again.

Iron beat out a bloody rhythm upon the beast’s skull, each blow echoing out with a sickening crunch, blackened blood flying up and painting the minotaur with each beat. Iron wasn’t entirely sure how many strikes it took him to break through the serpent’s huge skull, nor was he certain how long it took him to stop when he did reach the creature’s brain. The blood rage was upon him, all of the minotaur’s great strength directed towards this one purpose; crushing Rustjaw’s brain to a pulp. He carried on at it as the crunching noises changed to a repulsive squelching as bone gave way to brain matter. As he went about his bloody business, the shudders of the serpent’s body increased, before eventually dying down. By the time Iron had broken through the skull, they had stopped entirely, the once powerful creature now lying completely still.

Iron stood, panting and snorting, in the middle of the carnage he had created. A pool of dark blood swirled around his ankles, whilst various splinters of bone lay about him, some of them even embedded in the minotaur’s flesh. With a mighty, heaven-splitting roar, Iron plunged his arm forward one last time. But it was not his metal fist that he used this time, but his organic arm. Reaching deep inside the beast’s skull, Iron grasped onto the largest piece of muscle he could find, ripping it out of its casing with a shout. Holding the piece of brain loosely in one hand, Iron stalked forward, leaving the gaping hole behind him as he walked towards the front of the creature. Not even hesitating, Iron leapt from atop the serpent’s head, landing heavily on the deck and almost collapsing as his legs gave out from under him. He forced himself onwards though, towards the unmoving snake-headed tentacles.

Dropping the broken piece of brain in front of one of the snakeheads, Iron knelt down next to it and grabbed the disgusting creature with his organic hand, forcing the mouth open with his fingers just as he had done only a few minutes earlier. Unceremoniously, he slammed the beast’s needle teeth into the brain muscle, watching with grim satisfaction as the brain was turned to iron in only a few seconds. As he stood up, Iron felt like he should make some clever quip, or some witty one liner that would fit the situation.

But really, what was the point? He was far too tired and he was the only one on the ship that was still awake. He didn’t have to impress anyone.

Barely managing to keep himself upright, Iron stumbled his way towards the front of the ship, wearily dragging himself up the stairs to the foredeck. Once at the top, his legs finally gave out on him, sending the huge minotaur crashing to the deck. Unperturbed, Iron simply reached out with his good arm and began to drag himself forward, pulling himself over the rough deck in silence. Finally, he reached his objective and rolled onto his back next to her.

She had not stirred since he had left her and, if it wasn’t for the steady rising and falling of her chest, Iron would have thought she had passed on. Gently, Iron wrapped his normal arm around her, barely managing to move the limb as he felt fatigue overwhelming him. Finally, with the unicorn that he love held close to him, a giant monster dead on the deck nearby and his left arm permanently turned into metal, Iron Will allowed sleep to claim him.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7

Sometimes, when writing, you create a boss battle so difficult and ridiculous that you realise something. There is NO WAY that the heroes can get out of this completely unharmed. Someone is going to have to give something up or lose something or make some big damn heroic sacrifice to finish this fight. And that's what it's taken to defeat Rustjaw. First Sergeant Brick sacrifices himself, then Summer uses up some of her life essence which shaves about 15 years off her life and finally Iron Will permanently turns his arm into solid, immovable metal.

Remember when this story was mainly just Ace making jokes about stuff?

Speaking of Ace, we'll be back with him next week to see how he gets on with his boatload of problems. So until then, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and be sure to comment with any suggestions, criticisms, questions or worshipping praise that you might have. Comments are my food and I must feast.

With a mighty hunger,
Barrel-of-fun

P.S. The mutated Rustjaw is probably the freakiest creature I've ever created. Seriously, circular chainsaw teeth with sentient mouth-tentacles in the middle. What the fuck was I on when I decided that was a cool thing to have?

Innocence Lost

It was after the fifth or sixth hit that I decided I would have been better off just jumping for the hatch.

Early on into my fight against the pegasi I had discovered a small but unavoidable problem. Pegasi are very fast. Individually, I could probably beat them simply by punching them before they could swoop away. But with fifteen of them attacking me at once? I had no chance of reacting in time.

One of them, a light blue stallion with a smirk on his face, shot at me from the front. I readied my knife, prepared to fend of any attack from him. At the last second though, he switched directions, peeling off to the right. I barely managed to throw myself to the left in time, feeling the displaced air as the pegasus who had flown in from behind shot past me. Even as I was rolling back to my hooves, they still wouldn’t let up. I swung my arm out and just managed to deflect a blow that would have caved my face in, causing it to glance off my horn instead. My head ringing, I swung out at the offending pegasus, only to have him dodge back and join the hovering horde above me.

My hand shout out like a whip, a Clubs card flying forth to take one of the pegasi out. However, cards, whilst good for games and slight of hand tricks, aren’t exactly the most aerodynamic of projectiles. Even with my best throw, the pegasus I had been aiming at still managed to lazily flap his wings and dodge over the card, letting it simply fly beneath him.

I growled in frustration as more pegasi began to sweep in for an attack run. No matter how quickly I turned or how wary I was, they could always get into my blind spots. They could fly and had me completely surrounded. As one pirate flew in from the front, I kept my eyes on him, making sure to look directly into his eyes. For a moment, his gaze wavered, looking just over my right shoulder. Instantly, I brought my right leg around in a sweeping arc, turning what looked like a roundhouse kick into a large step before bringing my other leg around and dropping my torso down. This was a desperate move on my part, more acrobatic maneuver than an actual combat strike. Regardless, it worked quite well. The moment both of my hands touched the wooden deck, I kicked off with my left leg. Combined with the momentum from my over-enthusiastic step earlier, the force of this kick allowed me to turn what should have been a normal handstand into a whirling dervish of pain and hooves.

Those years I spent as part of the circus don’t seem so wasted now. Never underestimate clowns.

The flanking pegasi, not being used to such an outlandish attack, was caught completely off-guard. A single spinning hoof, moving so fast that it was just a blur, slammed into his side, stunning him for a moment. Before he even had the chance to consider recovering, a second hoof hit him, this time in the shoulder, causing him to stumble and fall to the deck of the ship as his wings gave out. The next few spinning hoof kicks passed over his head as I attempted to adjust myself to the correct height. In my defence, it was damn hard to aim kicks when you are upside down, spinning and balanced on your hands. Finally, I managed to land a solid blow to his head and he went down, slumping like a sack of potatoes. Satisfied, I flipped back onto my hooves and looked around for the next attack.

I was strangely disappointed. The pirates were all staring at me in a combination of shock and anger. Shock over the insane method I had just used to take out one of their fellows; anger over the fact that one of their fellows had been taken out, in a manner that seemed to be mocking them no less.

At an unspoken command, the pegasi began to move into positions around me, arranging themselves so that they were equally spaced to completely surround me. Simultaneously, the well-trained pirate pegasi turned to their respective lefts and began to fly forward, each one following the one in front. In mere seconds, the pirates had formed a ring around me, their forms moving so swiftly that, to me, they appeared to be little more than multicolored blurs. I began to turn on the spot, eyes darting back and forth as I tried to see where the next attack would be coming from.

I received my answer when something slammed into my back, knocking the breath out of me and sending me stumbling forward. Before I had a chance to recover another blur moved at the edge of my vision. My head exploded into stars as the hoof slammed into my jaw. I barely managed to stay on my hooves as I tasted iron. I desperately tried to draw in some air to replace that which had been knocked out of me. Maybe then I could stop seeing stars.

The moment I managed to fill my lungs, another blur shot in, slamming into my stomach before I could raise my guard. Blood shot out of my mouth as the air was once again forced out of me. I fell to my knees in pain, vision swimming. Blearily, I managed to focus on a small piece of white floating in the sea of red that had shot out of my mouth. They’d managed to knock out one of my teeth.

There goes my modelling career.

I attempted to plant one arm on the deck and push myself back to my hooves. However, the moment my hand touched the wood, there was a blur and a flash of metal to the side of my vision. My arm went limp and I shouted in agony, collapsing to the deck. Something had cut deep into my arm, which didn’t seem to be responding to my commands at the moment. It had to be Melody. She seemed to be the only pegasus armed with wing blades.

I was beaten, bloody and bruised on the deck, lying in a quickly expanding pool of my own blood as the laughter of the pirates rung in my ears. I had to get out of here, collect myself and rethink my strategy for taking on these pegasi. Judging by their silent professionalism, these were probably the best of Melody’s troops. My earlier plan, to lure them below deck and take them out one at a time, probably wouldn’t work. If anything I’d say that, outside of tricking them with impractical and unusual attacks, I wouldn’t be able to take any of these pegasi in one on one combat. So much for best laid plans and all that.

My working arm was trapped beneath my body, thankfully out of sight of the circling pegasi. Frantically, I scrambled at my coat, trying to get at my deck of cards without alerting the pegasi to my plan. Just as I thought I had moved too much and given the game away, what felt like a single card came loose from my deck and tumbled out of my pocket, landing in the blood near me. I desperately grabbed at it, clutching the fragile piece of layered paper in my grasp. The last of my hopes rested in something that could be torn up with the slightest of efforts.

That almost sounds like a metaphor for most of my plans.

Digging into reserves of energy that I didn’t even know I had, I forced myself to my knees, slowly managing to regain my hooves. I swayed from side to side slightly, still very woozy from the blow to the head, and blinked rapidly to try and clear the blood from my right eye, which seemed to have developed a cut over it. Idly, I noted that the pegasi had stopped circling and were now merely hovering in place, watching me. My woozy gaze managed to lock onto the pegasi right in front of me, a victorious smirk pulling at her scarred face. I attempted to ignore the terrible stabbing pain in my chest as I looked at her, a smile of my own slowly creeping onto my face.

Time to play my hand.

Vibrant Melody watched as her crewmates swooped around the fallen form of the annoying goat-thing. Like the good little obedient ponies that they were, each pegasi was hanging back from the bleeding body, waiting for Melody’s orders. She smirked as she slowly began to descend. This little pest had caused too much damage, been too much of a challenge, for Melody to allow anybody else the pleasure of finishing him. No, she would end this one herself.

Her gentle flaps brought her ever closer to the creature, still lying there in a pool of his own blood. Melody’s own wings were covered in crimson splatters, her blades especially had been practically coated in the stuff. For a moment, she regretted that she had used the blades. This goat-thing - she hadn’t even bothered to ask for its name - was bleeding heavily now. Even if Melody didn’t bother to deliver the final slash, it would still bleed out soon.

A shame. The pirate queen would have liked to have longer with this one at least.

With a grimace, she cast these thoughts away. Twice she had managed to capture this fool and twice he had managed to escape, causing massive damage as he did so. It would be best just to end it, here and now.

Melody managed to snap out of her thoughts to look back down at the creature, who appeared to be shuffling about slightly. The last spasms before death perhaps?

Then she saw something in its claw-like appendage. Something small, and rectangular and made of...paper?

Melody’s eyes shot open as she realised what the creature was trying. Immediately she ceased her gentle flapping and tucked her wings into her side, angling her body into a sharp dive. At the same time she activated the final weapon in her personal arsenal, a bracelet that was wrapped around her right hoof. Out of this seemingly ornamental accessory sprung a twelve inch long blade, sharpened to a razor point and easily capable of reaching a stallion’s heart. This little gadget was one of Melody’s favourite weapons, simply for the look on her victim’s face when the blade shot out and impaled them.

Fun times. Fun times indeed.

The pegasus mare managed to avoid the tempting nostalgia and focussed upon her current goal; mainly, stabbing this damned annoying goat-thing through the chest and staking him to the deck of her ship. To that end, she thrust her hoofblade forward with all her might, heading straight for the creature’s centre of mass.

At the last moment, her opponent flipped over onto his back and raised his card, as if desperately hoping that the flimsy piece of paper could block a blade. Unsurprisingly, it failed in this regard. The sharpened metal slipped straight through the paper and sank deep into the goat-thing’s arm, causing him to yell out in pain. Melody was impressed. She had been going for a killing blow and yet, once again, the fool’s speed meant that he barely managed to avoid the embrace of death. Lucky bastard.

Smirking maliciously, Melody drew her hoof back for another blow, setting her sights on the injured creature’s head. As she raised her leg though, she noticed something strange about her hoofblade. The card, which she had momentarily dismissed, was stuck on her dagger. Not only that, but the card appeared to be faintly glowing. The strange symbols upon its face, showing a large diamond with two smaller ones in each corner topped by an ‘A’, were glowing particularly brightly, forcing Melody to wince away as it stung at her eyes. Suddenly, Melody realised what was about to happen, her mouth dropping open as she realised she was at the centre of the danger zone.

With a single powerful flap, she was in front of one of her crew members, waving her hoofblade in front of his face and screaming at him.

“Get it off! Get it off!”

The poor pegasus pirate was understandably confused by this strange turn of events. One moment, his terrifying captain was about to execute her downed opponent; then the next she was in front of his face shouting something he usually only heard from her when she featured in his dreams, usually accompanied by whips and what could only be classified as perverse amounts of latex.

“Okay!” He beamed at her with a stupid grin before he began to loosen and slip out of what little clothes he was wearing. This may have been more seductive if he had more to slip out of than a neckerchief. But then, some ponies could make even a neckerchief look sexy and alluring.

Melody stared in horrified confusion as the crewmember began to pull at his one article of clothing, looking for all the world like he was trying to garrote himself rather than strip.

“Not you, you idiot!” She screamed.

Giving up on assistance from her crew - who were definitely receiving a lashing after all this for stupidity unbecoming of the most feared pirate crew in Equestria - Melody began to tug at the card herself. First she attempted to paw at it with her hoof, but it remained stubbornly stuck on there. Next she attempted to rip it off with her mouth. However, the moment she clamped her jaws on the card, she realised something.

The card wasn’t just giving out light, but heat as well.

Admittedly, it was only a small bit of heat. Next to nothing compared to the amount of light it was already giving off, which equalled some of the brightest magical lights already and showed no signs of stopping. However, Melody could already feel it heating up the knife, the warmth slowly travelling up and reacher her bracer.

Abandoning the card for now, Melody took a slightly more extreme measure. Her crew watched in further confusion as she began to tug at her treasured bracelet, eventually managing to yank the whole device off her leg. With a crow of triumph, Melody suddenly launched the bracelet, card and all, directly up into the air with all of her surprising strength.

Thirteen pairs of eyes followed the bracelet’s graceful flight through the air. The moment she had realised it, Melody had immediately dived for cover, managing to get under a loose tarp that had been left on deck. The only other being not watching the bracelet was the goat-creature, who had seemingly disappeared from his prone position on the deck, leaving only a pool of blood to remember him by.

Each pirate watching the bracelet had a similar train of thought. It went a little something like this:

Oh my! Shiver my timbers! That’s the boss’s prized bracelet with magically augmented hidden blade. Why, she would be inconsolable if she lost such a precious prize.

Perhaps, if I saved her treasure from it’s certain smashy fate upon the deck, she would be grateful?

Perhaps she would even consider not giving me a lashing?

Why, it is my most noble and honourable duty to rescue that bracelet.

There was some slight deviation in these thoughts of course, and not all of them were nearly so eloquent. In fact, one particular neckerchiefed stallion’s thoughts ran more along the lines of:

I wonder if she’ll give me extra lashings if I save the bracelet?

Regardless of the motivation, the reasoning or even the particular tone of thought that each stallion had, they all ended up thinking exactly the same thing at exactly the same unfortunate moment.

Isn’t that strange glow getting a bit strong?

In a mercifully silent explosion, a second sun appeared above the ship. For one beautiful, horrible moment, thirteen stallions experienced something that only the Princesses had ever seen. They gazed into the heart of a star, the raw, unbridled light of life itself burning directly into the eyes and permanently scoring itself into their minds.

Just as suddenly as it had appeared, the false sun vanished, leaving its victims - it’s witnesses - rooted where they had been left. They continued to gaze up at where the light had once been, eyes unseeing and mouths hanging open. Though their bodies remained unmoving, their now milky eyes darted round inside their sockets, hunting for any form of light that they could find, all in vain. They had gazed directly into the heart of a star, one of the strongest lights in all creation, and for them there would be no more light.

As one, the thirteen stallions fell to the deck, bodies thudding on the wood as they fell without ceremony or purpose. The slight rise and fall of each stallion’s chest was the only indication that they were still alive. The rest of their bodies were completely still, mouths still hanging open, legs limp eyes closed.

As they lay there, two heads popped up from their hiding places, assessing the damage on deck.

I gazed down in amazement at the damage that the Ace of Diamonds had caused. Aside from the thirteen limp ponies on the deck, the card had caused no small amount of damage to the ship. The heat of the flare card, whilst nowhere near proportional to the amount of light produced, was still significant. The false sun had been in the middle of the ship’s rigging when it had appeared, and a lot of the main mast had been caught in the blast. Now the entire sail was ablaze, a thick black smoke billowing up from the canvas, putting me in quite the position of danger.

I could only be glad that the heat to light ratio was so skewed in favour of light. If that card had carried even 1/100th of the heat proportional to the light it produced then we would have all been screwed. Along with the entire ship. And a good portion of the sea. And probably quite a bit of the Equestrian landmass as well.

So yeah, small mercies.

Perhaps I should explain my disappearing act first? Well, the moment Melody was distracted doing a good impression of Adam West’s Batman with her oblivious crew, I got to work on my most intricate and cunning plan to date. I call it: Operation Don’t Die Horribly.

So far, it’s all going pretty much to plan.

Firstly, I had deceived my audience with a nice bit of sleight of hand. Melody believed that I had only managed to draw one card, which she had managed to get stuck on her hoofblade. In actual fact, I had drawn two and hidden the second one behind the first. Whilst Melody and the pirates were distracted dealing with the first card, I quickly applied the other one to my wounds, trusting in my luck to lead me right. Sure enough, I instantly felt a soothing calm come over me as my wounds patched themselves up. My vision cleared up as my concussion left me and feeling gradually began to return to my arm, legs and shoulder.

By this point, the pirates were completely wrapped up in watching Melody dance about like a madmare, pawing at her leg and seemingly trying to bite herself. They were far too distracted to notice little old me slip away. The moment I was sure that no pirates were currently watching me, I considered running for the lifeboat but something stopped me. I don’t know if it was some divine intervention, indigestion or perhaps even one of those worrying things called a conscience that I’ve been hearing so much about, but something told me that I shouldn’t just run away. I needed to finish this.

Two sides of me went to war. My natural cowardice battling against whatever strange new feeling had decided to take to the field of battle. On one side, the forces of cowardice brought up points such as: ‘We’ve fled from a lot of stuff in our life, it’s how we’re still alive. What’s one more?’ On the other hand, the challenger brought weapons such as: ‘You started this, you need to finish it.’ The war was a short and bloody one but, against overwhelming odds, the challenger took the day with one final decisive strike.

It was called: ‘What would Summer and Iron think?’

With this thought at the forefront of my mind, I changed my direction away from the lifeboat and towards the complicated mess of rope netting that I believe is called the ship’s shroud. I quickly scaled the ropes, swiftly ascending into heavens above the ship whilst ignoring the shouting of Melody from below me. Reaching the crow’s nest, I hopped inside and crouched down, covered myself with a rather ratty looking blanket, closed my eyes, pointed my face away and waited for the inevitable.

I was not disappointed as, a few moments later, the entire world turned white. I clamped my eyes shut and went so far as to cover them with my hands. Yet still the persistent light shone through, although at least not to a blinding degree.

Which leads me to my current precarious position; stuck up in the crow’s nest with the mast below me on fire and smoke finding it’s way up my nose and into my lungs. I hastily ducked back into the crow’s nest but it was too late, the damage had already been done. A racking cough ripped through me, followed by an almighty sneeze. As if in answer, a scream of pure rage came from below me. Filled with a sort of morbid curiosity, I once again poked my head out of the nest, peering down through the smoke to where I could see a dot of pink glaring up at me.

Oh shit! Did she see me?

“I’M GONNA KILL YOU! YOU HEAR ME UP THERE? YOU’RE DEAD!”

Yeah...I think she saw me.

Abandoning my rather pathetic attempt at stealth, I rose from my hiding place and prepared to face my opponent. Only to find that she had seemingly disappeared. My eyes scanned the deck of the ship, searching for that flash of pink that might show where she was hiding. It was then that a strange sound reached my ears, a sort of high-pitched whistle.

I swung around just in time to get my knife between my neck and the wingblade that had been about to decapitate me. The blow glanced off as a snarling Vibrant Melody shot past, sending me stumbling backwards from the sheer momentum of her attack. Even though the strike hadn’t been a direct one, the power behind her wings was immense. She wasn’t playing around anymore. With that sort of force, a single slip up on my part could mean the loss of a limb, or worse.

I barely managed to see her coming around for a second attack run, simply catching a pink blur out of the corner of my eye. This time, I threw myself down to the floor of the crow’s nest, allowing the screaming blur of pegasus and blades to fly overhead. I hastily got back on my hooves, ready for the next attack, but froze when I saw the damage her attack had done. The solid wooden circular wall that made up the crow’s nest was now sporting a large gash. The wood looked to have been entirely torn away in a large ‘V’ shape as one of Melody’s wingblades had cut into it. Involuntarily, I gulped down my fear, trying to ignore the shaking that was taking over my limbs. I could barely hold onto my knife, my palms seemed so sweaty. Not to mention my hair, which was now plastered to my head.

I swung my head about, desperately trying to spot the speeding pegasus who, at any moment, could separate me from some body parts I consider to be very vital. Such as my head. The moment I managed to spot her, coming in fast on my left hand side, I dove behind the mast, vaguely aware that I let out a very unmanly shriek as I did so. I didn’t really care though, now was not the time to be focused on how masculine I looked. Now was the time to try and not be killed by a dangerous flying psychopath.

I cowered behind the mast, holding my shaking knife in front of me as though the tiny piece of metal would be enough to stop her. I’ve been in some very dangerous situations before, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so close to death. Living on the razor’s edge, accepting that I could get cut at any moment, that’s kind of what I do. But the razor has always been sort of friendly to me, part of my lucky inheritance I guess. Now the razor was hurtling towards me at insane speeds and was capable of cutting through solid wood. I was ashamed to say that I had no idea what to do. Every clever plan, every little trick up my sleeve. What were they supposed to do against so much rage?

There was no time left for thinking. Melody had arrived. A scream filled the air, partly coming from the enraged pegasus and partly coming from the tortured wood of the mast as her subsonic speed wing blade tore through the wood. The mast-top hung there for a moment, before beginning to topple over, slowly falling away from the nest and down towards the deck of the ship. It didn’t matter though, it had accomplished something at least. Going through the mast to get to me had managed to slow Melody down just enough. Enough so that, when her blade struck my knife, she didn’t tear right through the metal and the satyr hiding behind it. Instead the blade was ripped from my hand and sent tumbling to the deck and I was left stumbling backwards, my arms numb as the blow rang through me.

Too late, I realized the error of my positioning. I was too close to the edge of the nest, taking cover behind the mast as I had been. The blow had stumbled me and, as I desperately attempted to regain my balance, the back of my legs impacted against the nest’s wall. Slowly, I tumbled backwards, hands reaching out to grasp at thin air. All the many ropes, the sails and the masts seemed so mockingly out of reach as I fell. A small part of me was filled with the knowledge that whatever came next was going to hurt. The rest of me was filled with despair, the sort that consumes a human mind whenever they are falling.

Before I could even properly process these emotions, it was over. An overwhelming pain shot through my body as I slammed into the deck back first. Almost comically, I noted that I bounced a few times before coming to a complete rest. Every part of my hurt and I could barely open my mouth enough to let out a weak groan to express how much pain I was in. I wasn’t even sure if I could move my arms and legs, I didn’t even bother trying. At the moment, even sending signals to those limbs seemed like too much effort.

Things went from terribly bad to horrendously worse as my fuzzy vision was filled by a pink blur, which quickly resolved itself into the snarling visage of Vibrant Melody. I felt like I should have some witty line here, some uncornered little quip to show of my devil-may-care attitude.

Except that I did care, quite a lot. I couldn’t move, blood was filling my mouth and even breathing seemed like a herculean effort. Now my would-be killer was standing over me, preparing herself for the final blow. I almost wished she would just do it already. Just slam a hoof down on this thick skull of mine and end it. Seriously, even if I got out of here, how long would it be until I was in the exact same situation with some other mobster? Or maybe some horrific creature would get me?

In that moment I was more scared than I had ever been in my life as I realised something. I was my own worst enemy. I was always throwing myself into these stupid, dangerous situations and for what? Some cheap thrill? The adrenaline rush of having my teeth kicked in?

A sob escaped from my bleeding mouth as I felt tears falling down the side of my face. I wasn’t crying from the pain though, but from the realization that everything I had done, everything I did, was pointless. If I die, here and now, then who would remember me? Summer and Iron maybe, but eventually even they’d get on with their lives and forget about the fool they had once known who got in over his head.

I was a gambler of the worst sort, one who gambled with his own life.

Vibrant Melody paused as she saw her victim weeping. Not that she wasn’t used to ponies and other creatures sobbing for their lives before her but this one was different. The goat-thing before her had always been so...so flippant. So uncaring in the face of danger. For a moment, the pegasus wondered what had changed. Some switch had been flipped inside her victim and it intrigued the pirate queen. She was about to lower her raised hoof when a surge of emotion shot through her.

KILL IT! KILL IT AND YOU CAN RULE THIS SEA WITH AN IRON HOOF!

With a snarl of pure rage, Melody reared up and prepared to crush her victim’s skull. She didn’t question the sudden switch of emotions inside her. She couldn’t. At the moment, her mind was too clouded with anger to even comprehend the thoughts and curiosity that had been swirling around her head just a few seconds prior.

Just as she was about to slam her hooves down she stopped, an unfamiliar feeling shooting through her chest. Gasping she looked down, her eyes going wide as she beheld what had happened to her.

More tears escaped from me as I looked at the knife sticking out of Melody’s chest, my semi-prehensile tail wrapped around the hilt. I could scarcely believe what I had done, looking at the tail like it was not a part of my body. The connection was undeniable though, my eyes followed locked onto the bloody dagger sticking forth from the wound even as my mind desperately tried to deny what I had done.

Vibrant Melody still stood there, rearing above me as the last of her strength slowly ebbed away. Sluggishly, she fell to one side, her left leg giving out beneath her as she stumbled away. My knife left her chest with sickening ease, the sharp blade easily sliding out of the flesh. My tail finally decided to unwrap, allowing the dagger to fall to the deck with a clang. I ignored it though, staring at Melody. The pirate queen had fallen a few feet from where I lay and was lying on her side, staring at me. Her eyes themselves were going glassy, but still managed to retain that vital spark of life.

Finding new strength in my limbs, I desperately scrambled my way over to her, crawling through the pools of blood, rum and seawater that covered the deck. I immediately pressed one hand to the wound, the other leaping into my pocket to go for a Heart card. I needed to heal her.

I tried to ignore the blood seeping between the hand that was vainly attempting to put pressure on the wound. I finally managed to find a card and yanked it out of my pocket, only to have my face fall as I saw the face of it.

Clubs.

Casting it to one side, my hand shot in again and pulled out another. Spades. And another, Diamonds this time. With a snarl of frustration I grabbed the entire deck and pulled it from my pocket, letting them spill onto the deck. I began to push the combat-focussed cards out of the way, desperately searching for a Heart card. It was no use though. Every single one of the cards on the deck, bobbing about in the pools of blood, was either a Diamond, a Club or a Spade. The message was clear. Vibrant Melody would not be getting healed.

I refused to give up though, even as my vision began to blur from tears. I pressed my other hand to the wound, hoping beyond hope that two hands would somehow manage to keep the blood from spilling out. It was no use though. The crimson liquid continued to seep through my fingers, staining my hands red even as it went to pool on the deck. I looked at Melody’s scarred face, unwilling to look at the terrible wound I had caused.

Her eyes were even more glossy now, that spark of life slowly rescinding. Her mouth was opening and closing, looking like she was attempting to get air into her lungs through a sick parody of talking.

“I’m...I’m..” The gasped whisper sounded like little more than the sound of a gentle breeze, but it pierced straight through my haze.

“What?” I sobbed as I leaned closer to her head, “What was that?”

“I’m so...rry,” Her broken words stabbed into my heart, almost making my stumble back in shock, “Cabin. Bo...book.” One last sigh escaped he, followed by a ragged gasp as she tried to draw in one more lungful of air, “T-thank you.”

And with that, a final death rattle escaped from her lungs as the pirate queen’s eyes shut for good. I don’t know how long I knelt there, staring at her in incomprehension, my hands still pressed to her wounds, even though she was long passed saving. Eventually though, I fell backwards, slowly collapsing to lie in a pool of blood. My cards floated around me, merrily bobbing about and knocking into each other like paper ducks. Beside me, the slowly cooling body of Vibrant Melody lay, looking surprisingly peaceful. Without the ever present snarl of fury on her face she looked sort of beautiful. Her relaxed face made the scar much less pronounced. The illusion that she was sleeping was ruined only by the blood that matted her fur and the wound that covered her chest.

I would have shed more tears on seeing the damage I had caused to such a beautiful creature, but I was too tired. I lay there, staring up at the blue sky, until I fell asleep.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7

I apologize for the delay in getting this chapter out. Don't really have much in the way of an excuse for its lateness, just that I wasn't feeling motivated enough to write. Sorry about that.

Well it was quite an emotional chapter towards the end there wasn't it? I hope you guys think it was worth the wait at least. So far all three of my main characters have lost something in their fights. Summer lost a portion of her life, Iron lost the use of his hand and Ace...well, Ace just lost his innocence. Before this, Ace hasn't actually killed anyone. Sure, he's got into some pretty brutal fights (the showdown against General Velvet back in White Tail springs to mind) but he hasn't actually permanently ended an opponent.

I'm looking forward to writing Ace trying to reconcile his childish trickster side with this new knowledge. That is going to be an interesting challenge.

Thanks for reading, I hope you all enjoyed it. Not much more to go now...

Barrel-of-fun

A Date with Destiny

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Not for the first time, I awoke to the ear-piercing noise of a heart monitor happily announcing that I was, sadly, still alive. Blearily, I opened my eyes, blinking a few times to clear away the haze. Eventually, everything came back into focus and I got a good look at the room I was in. A fairly standard hospital ward by all accounts. To my left and right I could see other patients lying in their beds, asleep. Though how they managed to sleep so peacefully through the racket the heart monitors were making was beyond me.

Do ponies have selective hearing or something?

I slowly sat up in my bed, grunting as I felt the various aches that covered my body protesting. To be honest, I felt fine, other than a few bruises and pains. But those could wait, first I had to find out what happened to me and, more importantly, what happened to Summer and Iron. Maybe they had been in to visit me whilst I was asleep? I had no idea how long I had been out so they may well checked in on me a few times. Hopefully, the receptionist would know something about that.

I let out another groan as I realised something. I was currently a patient here, which meant that if I got up and went wandering around then a bunch of medical folk would start babbling at me in doctor speak. I couldn’t even go pulling the heart monitor off without it shrieking and alerting the entire hospital.

Making sure the monitoring pads were secure on my chest, I slowly maneuvered myself out of the bed and crept across the room to the next patient. The earth pony stallion was sleeping peacefully, his chest rising and falling in rhythmic movements. Quick as a flash, I ripped the monitoring pads of my own chest and quickly secured them to his, holding my breath as I waited for something to go wrong. Thankfully, the machine seemed to have accepted my deception and continued to beep, now announcing the stallion’s heart rate instead of my own.

And, to my credit, I barely let out a single tear after I ripped the sticky pads off my chest. Success all round I believe.

The medical staff, or perhaps Summer and Iron themselves, had been kind enough to leave all of my stuff at the foot of my bed, which saved me a lot of time that would have been spent robbing a hospital of my own stuff. I’m not even sure where that falls on the moral scale really. On one hand, it’s stealing from a hospital, on the other though it is MY stuff. Shrugging away the moral quandary, I threw my coat on and strapped my belt around my waist. The only thing left on the table was my knife.

I began reaching for it, ready to secure it in place, when I stopped. Did I really want to bring it with me? As I looked at the innocuous piece of metal I could see it sticking out of Melody’s chest. Could see the wound it had created.

I could also see Iron handing it to me with a big smile on his face. That day in White Tail seemed almost years ago, yet it had been little more than a couple of months.

Grimacing, I snatched the knife from the table and secured it to my belt, behind my back of course. Like it or not, that dagger was a part of me, literally made from a part of me by one of my best friends. I wouldn’t let bad memories take that away.

The ward’s window was, of course, locked but that didn’t really stand in my way. Only a few minutes after waking up in a hospital bed I was scaling the side of said hospital, landing in a rather tasteful garden that the windows overlooked.

I then dusted myself off, straightened my coat and went back inside the hospital.

Any possible questions that the receptionist at the front desk might have had about my unusual appearance were quickly cut off as I flashed her one of my best grins and immediately began talking.

“Hey there, I was wondering if you would be able to help me with a little something.” I said, leaning on the counter slightly, “A couple of my friends might have been around here, a unicorn called Summer Storm and a minotaur, Iron Will. You wouldn’t have happened to have seen them would you.”

The mare quickly adjusted the reading glasses perched on her muzzle and glanced down at the book in front of her. “Actually sir, we do have two patients with those names, a unicorn and a minotaur like you said. However, they’re both in Magical Care at the moment and can’t be seen.”

They’re patients?! Wait...Magical Care?

It was only a lifetime of deceiving and conniving that managed to keep the shock off my face, “Yeah, that must be them. Shame they can’t be seen at the moment, I guess I’ll have to come back later, Miss…?”

“Sweet Rose.” She replied, a smile coming to her lips as she shyly looked away.

“An appropriate name.” I chuckled at her blush, adding a bit of the ol’ Ace charm to my laugh. “I don’t suppose you would be able to do one more small favour for me would you? Could you point me towards a bathroom? It’s been an awfully long journey to get here and I do believe I need to freshen up slightly.”

The mare was happy to point me in the right direction and, just like that, I was past the front desk and easily integrated into the hospital. Now, if some nurse or doctor happened to stumble upon me, I could just get them to take me to Miss Rose and explain that I must have gotten turned around. No doubt the receptionist would be willing to bail me out, especially if I added a bit more sweet talk to seal the deal.

The moment I was out of sight of the receptionist’s desk and was sure that no prying eyes were watching me, I ducked into a room and immediately shut the door behind me. I then began to remove my coat, getting ready to flip it inside out and activate its enchantment. Unfortunately, I was about halfway through the change when I was interrupted by a voice piping up from behind me.

“Oh my! Looks like it’s my lucky day!” An elderly female voice crooned.

I slowly and awkwardly turned around to spot the mare whose room I had just burst into. The silver hair and the wrinkles around the eyes quickly informed me of her age, even if her mischievous twinkling eyes sought to convince me she was a much younger mare.

“Why don’tchu come over here so I can get a better look at you?”

I hesitantly approached the bed, knowing that if she were to so much as shout then a veritable army of doctors, nurses and security personnel would descend upon me.

“You’re not scared of me?” I asked, knowing how the elderly could sometimes be around the unknown, “Not afraid I’m going to rob you? Or eat you?”

“Eat me?!” She exclaimed, “Oh, heavens no! Even if you were that way inclined, I would probably be taste terrible.” She grinned and lifted one wrinkled foreleg to show me, “See? Too stringy. So no, I ain’t afraid of you. Shucks, me and the other gals used to go down to a club called ‘The Horny Bull’. I tell you, they had the best minotaur dancers in Equestria there. The muscles some of those fellers had. Not to mention the occasional griffin or diamond dog that jumped up on stage for a dance. You look a bit skinny to be honest, but I bet you could get a few of the customers pumped if you wanted to.”

“Is it just male dancers there?” I asked, honestly curious about paying this place a visit before I left. My partner’s gender had never really been an issue for me, so long as we were all having fun. And judging from the nostalgic look on the mare’s face, ‘The Horny Bull’ sounded like the place for fun.

“Oh no, not at all. They’ll accept anyone on stage who wants to show off a bit of flank for the crowd.” She giggled then, the noise surprisingly melodic, “Why, I even once got up and strutted my stuff.”

“No! You didn’t did you?” I gasped, having trouble associating the grandmotherly mare in front of me with a girl who danced on tables for fun, “You did!”

I burst out laughing then. An honest, genuine laugh from deep within my chest. My jaw hurt from how much I was smiling in that particular outburst. Tears were forming at the corner of my eyes as laughter convulsed through me. I even had trouble standing upright, ending up leaning on the side of the elderly mare’s bed.

Eventually the laughter died down to mere chuckles, before eventually disappearing entirely.

The tears stayed.

With barely any idea why, I found myself weeping. Wet tears streamed down my face as a sob tore its way out my mouth.

“I don’t k-know why I’m crying.” I blubbered, barely coherent.

Immediately, the mare spread her forehooves wide and made quiet shushing noises. With a beckoning, she urged me over to her and, for some reason, I found myself obeying. I sat on her bed as she wrapped her hooves around me and pulled me into a comforting hug.

“There there,” Her soft voice whispered to me, “It’s going to be alright. Everything’s alright.”

She repeated this like a mantra and I slowly felt myself calming down from the random emotional high I had just been on. Despite this, a part of my mind kept screaming at me. Shouting that everything wasn’t going to be alright. That nothing would ever be the same again.

“Now then,” She said, loosening her hug and looking me in the eye, “Why don’t you tell me what that was all about?”

I knew what I should do here. I should make up some cunning lie, some crafty trick that would distract her away from prying. That is what I should be doing. But I didn’t. When I looked into those caring emerald eyes, all my deceit seemed to just go out the window.

“Not long ago,” I confessed, “I killed my very first intelligent being.”

I expected her to be shocked. To push me away in horror and shout for the guards to arrest this murderer. Perhaps this would have been better. If she’d done that I could have just enacted some daring escape and got away from this situation. Instead, she just nodded and indicated that I should go on.

“Her name was Vibrant Melody, a pegasus mare, but she was also known as Captain Gang Plank, a notorious pirate and ruthless killer. I was taken on her ship and tortured. She even intended to put me to death, eventually. I escaped, managed to take out her crew and ended up fighting her. She died when I stabbed my knife into her chest.”

Throughout the entire tale, the elderly mare’s eyes never faltered. Nor were they filled with fear, or disgust, or even pity. Her green orbs, only a few shades lighter than her olive coat, were simply full of understanding.

“She sounds like a real piece of work.” The mare said neutrally.

“Yeah...but did she really deserve to die? By my hands of all things?” I muttered, looking down at said hands.

“Honey. Honey, look at me.” She grabbed my face with her surprisingly strong forelimbs and wrenched it back up so that I was looking at her again, “Listen to me. Sometimes, folks die. And it’s sad, especially if they are folk we cared for. But at the end of the day, not everyone can be saved. Mortality is a fact of life sonny, take it from me.” A sad smile split her apart her wrinkled face, “Now then, maybe instead of blaming yourself, you should take a step back and look at the choices this Melody girl made that sent her down such a path?”

“Yes,” I looked away, trying desperately to call upon my memories of Melody and the ship, “Yes, she mentioned a book.” My eyes went wide and my hands dropped lifelessly to she sheets, “She said she was sorry. Not only that but she thanked me. I had just killed her and she thanked me.”

The mare nodded and laid a foreleg on my shoulder in comfort, “Perhaps you should look into why she thanked you?”

“You’re right.” Determination filled me, “I’ve got to find answers.” I was almost readily to leap up and spring into action when I hesitated, another moment becoming clear to me. “But there’s something else. I had a...friend there who could have healed Melody, could have saved her in fact, but she refused to.”

“And why do you think she did that dearie?”

“Because Melody was...evil?” I shook my head in agitation, “No, my friend would know better. She...she had to know better right? Has to be better?”

“I can’t answer those questions.” The elderly mare responded with a sad shake of her head, “I can only advise that you look into these lady’s motivations rather than their actions. It’s only there that you will find understanding.”

“Right, right.” I nodded, getting up from the bed. “I’ve got to find a couple of people, a minotaur and a unicorn. They may well be able to answer a few of these questions I’ve got buzzing round my skull. Thank you. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your help.”

“Oh, it’s not a problem dearie.” The mare replied with a smile, her eyes lighting up with a twinkle once more, “You looked like you could use some good old-fashioned motherly advice.”

I got up to leave and began to head towards the door when she called out to me again.

“A quick question before you go though. This friend of yours, what are you going to do when you meet her again?”

I halted in my tracks, the question honestly stunning me. What would I do once I saw Lady Luck again? I mean, she was supposed to be my mother, she was supposed to help me. But she had abandoned me there, left me to watch Melody die.

“I don’t know.” I eventually replied, turning around, “I need to know why she didn’t help first, before I go accusing her of anything.”

“Good boy.” The mare said, approval clear in her voice, “Too many young uns go rushing in without any idea of the actual situation. Often enough, they end up making things worse. Take a step back, clear your head and everything becomes so much clearer.”

“I’ll have to remember that one,” I replied honestly, making sure to take the advice to heart. It had certainly helped in this situation and I would be a fool to ignore it if it applied to another situation.

Not that I was above being a fool on occasion.

“I don’t believe I ever introduced myself though, or got your name.” I said, remembering my manners, “How rude of me. You give me life-changing advice and I don’t even introduce myself.” I swept into my trademark extravagant bow, “I am the Amazing Ace, Magician Extraordinaire!”

“My, what a remarkable name, almost makes mine seem dull by comparison. Name’s Fortune dear, Golden Fortune.”

“It’s been a pleasure to meet you Miss Fortune, but I must be off. I have some friends to track down and some answers to find.” I swept forward before kneeling down beside the mare and planting a kiss of her forehoof, eliciting a giggle from the elderly pony, “Once again, my sincerest thanks for your assistance.

As I left the room and the mare behind, I couldn’t help but feel that something was wrong. It was like I had missed something. Something important that I should have caught. Something to do with that mare’s eyes. Those green, knowing eyes, glittering like emeralds.

Miss Fortune…

I had barely made it to the end of the hall when I figured it out. Immediately, I turned around and dashed back down the hall, my hooves slamming into the floor as I bolted past various rooms, eventually reaching the one I had only just left. I burst through the door, an accusation on my lips, only for it to die there.

The room was empty. The bedsheets were completely perfect, as though no one had ever been there. Miss Fortune was gone.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7

I'm sorry for the short-ish chapter guys. This one was really annoying to write but I'm pretty happy with how it eventually turned out. It's difficult writing a chapter that doesn't contain a bunch of actions and explosions. Mother fucking dialogue guys.

Oh god...I'm an action film script writer. I'm Bay-ing it up all up in here.

Off to pray for forgiveness,
Barrel-of-fun

The Not-Quite Goodbye

A thousand and one thoughts swirled through my head as I moved through the corridors of the hospital. I wasn’t sure what to feel over Lady Luck’s little deception. At first, anger seemed to be the clear winner but, after applying a little thought to the situation, I realised I wasn’t really angry at her. I was annoyed sure, mostly over why she didn’t just appear to me honestly and just talk to me, but not truly angry.

It was only after I managed to get a reign on my emotions that I realised why she had decided on such a convoluted route to advise me. If she had appeared to me, in a dream or hallucination or whatever, to explain herself I probably would have just blown up at her. I’ll admit, Melody's death had hit me hard. Was still hitting me hard in fact and would probably continue to do so for some time. I would have been too emotional, not acting entirely rationally and, when it comes to dealing with both family and all-powerful goddesses, rationality is kind of a must have.

The general theme of the whole Golden Fortune deception wasn’t lost on me either. Look at people’s motivations rather than their actions. The Lady’s motivation was pretty clear, even to a emotionally dead rogue like myself. She did what she did out of love, that one unreachable emotion that I have always looked down on in the past. It didn’t seem such a pathetic emotion now I’ve got to say. In fact, it seemed to be the most important one in the world.

I shook my head to clear it of these strangely pervasive thoughts. I could deal with my messed up family life later, right now though my friends are laid up somewhere in this hospital and I was going to find them. I was fully prepared to break down doors, shout at ponies and generally be very threatening until someone took me to my friends.

Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately since I was quite looking forward to kicking down some doors, the Magical Care ward was quite easy to find. The hospital had plenty of directional signs littered about the place, not to mention the fact that there was arrows painted on the floor that actually lead you to the various wards. Provided I looked confident and kept up a brisk stride, no one even questioned why I was there. They all just assumed that a person as determined and certain as myself must know what he was doing.

Breaking into this place was almost laughably easy. I was sort of disappointed to be honest.

Upon arriving in magical care, I strode up to the nearest bed and yanked the curtain back. Lying before me was a rather scared looking stallion absolutely covered in bandages. In fact, I was simply assuming he was male; the amount of bandages covering the pony’s body actually made it impossible to tell. His eyes, the only part of him that was visible, looked at me with a mixture of fear and resignation.

“What horrors have you been through?” I muttered.

“Mfffhglghl.” The pony responded with a small body spasm that could, if one was being liberal, have been called a shrug.

“You wouldn’t happen to have seen a minotaur and a unicorn around here would you?” I asked, not entirely sure about the quality of response I would receive, “Minotaur’s about yay tall, goes by the name of Iron Will, shouts a lot. Unicorn’s called Summer Storm, she’s…” I paused, unsure how best to describe Summer, “Feisty.”

“Mhuhhurhshdl,” The bandaged pony said with a miniscule nod of his head to the right, “Thufrhtigh.”

I peered around the curtain divider and at some of the other beds, each one also closed off by a curtain. “They’re in one of those?”

“Mhuhu.”

“Thanks, you’ve been great.” I prepared to back out before a thought struck me, “Here, let me help you as well.”

A quick search of the ward revealed a perfect target, a young-looking nurse who, judging from the huge smile on the face of the elderly stallion whose chart she was currently looking over, was quite attractive by pony standards. It probably helped that she was wearing a nurses outfit. Not sure what it is about nurse outfits but no matter what species you are, men seem to go crazy for them. Must be magic.

“Oh nurse, over here please.” I shouted in a sufficiently commanding voice. The nurse looked up from her chart and hurried over. After all, the only person who would be shouting commands in a hospital must surely be a doctor, right?

“‘Ow can I ‘elp you Doctor?” She asked in a sweet voice.

An accent? This is even better than I planned. Though I can’t for the life of me place where the hell that accent is from.

“It’s this patient Nurse. He requires an immediate sponge bath and your utmost attention.” The bandaged stallion’s eyes widened as he realised what I was doing. “Although it looks like a big job, do perhaps have someone who can help you?”

“Well, I do ‘ave a twin sister ‘ere working ‘ere in ze ‘ospital.”

“Of course you do.” I replied with a smile.

Of course she has a twin sister in the hospital. She’s a young, accented nurse with a twin sister, who will probably turn out to be a maid or something.

“Why don’t you go and fetch here and then you can both...assist this patient.” I continued.

“Right away Doctor!” She replied with a grin before zooming off.

My work here done, I looked back at the lucky stallion and winked before setting off to find my friends again.

Wait, did I just help set up the beginning of a porno? Holy crap, I think I did.

Well, my job here in Equestria was supposed to be to spread luck. I guess that was a rather liberal interpretation of that job description but I think it works. After all, someone is going to be getting lucky pretty soon.

It was actually fairly easy to find Iron and Summer after the muffled direction’s I’d received. I simply carried on in the direction the pony had indicated until I came across a curtain divider large enough to house two beds. Barring a few mildly embarrassing incidents of me poking my head into curtained beds of other ponies, it all went fairly well.

I mean, it was only after I found them that I realised I could have just asked the nurse rather than the guy who was gagged by bandages. That would have been way easier.

The moment I poked my head in and beheld my friends, my heart sank. Summer looked far from great. Her coat was paler than usual, seeming to be almost white rather than the proud electric blue it usually was. Her mane looked stringy and unkempt, seeming to have lost some of it’s natural luster. What was most worryingly though was the strange machine the doctors had her hooked up to. It looked like what would happen if a crystal pony fell in love with a clockwork automaton. Gems hovered at the centre of the device, spinning of their own volition and emitting rays of light, whilst pipes and tubes led from the machine itself into Summer’s body. Despite this, the strong unicorn was awake, her weak eyes lighting up the moment she saw me.

Whilst seeing Summer like that was heart wrenching, Iron was in an even worse state. For one thing, the minotaur wasn’t even conscious. The machine that he was hooked up to lacked the mysterious crystals but compensated for it by having a large set of what seemed to be bellows, moving up and down inside the machine in time to Iron’s breathing. With a start I realised what they were doing. They were actually controlling Iron’s breathing, keeping the seemingly invincible minotaur alive. What hit me worst though was his arm. I don’t know what happened to them, what they went through whilst I was away, but it must have been bad. Iron’s arm seemed to be made entirely of metal, a perfect iron simulacrum of the minotaur’s closed fist.

What happened to them? Maybe if I had been there...

Staring at Iron, my friend, it was difficult for me to even comprehend him in such a state. This wasn’t the raging beast I had fought in the diamond dog Pit, nor was it the mighty warrior whose strength had supported us in our escape. Iron was mortal. Even with his vast strength, he wasn’t invincible.

My eyes turned back to Summer, who was looking at me with a curious expression now. Like Iron, she too was mortal. Her magic was powerful and her mind was determined but she wasn’t like me. She didn’t have a goddess watching out for her all the time. And now here she was, paying the price for for following me.

“Ace,” Summer said, “Are you alright? You’re acting a bit weird.”

I realised that I must have looked rather strange, coming in here and just staring at them, not saying a word.

“Sorry, sorry.” I managed to mutter, “It’s just...it’s a lot to take in.”

“It looks much worse than it is.” Summer said with a smile, some strength returning to her voice. “The docs say that I’ll be up and about in about a day.”

“And Iron?”

Her smile fell as she looked over at the minotaur, “They’ll be waking him up in a week, see if he can breath on his own then. Ace,” She choked out a sob, a tear making its way down her face as she stared at Iron, “What he did...Oh Celestia…”

I was immediatly by her side, her hoof in my hands. “Summer, tell me, what happened to you two? How did this,” A wave of my hand encompassed the two of them, “happen?”

Summer, to her infinite credit, managed to suck up her tears as she told me what she knew of the story. With a voice that wavered only slightly she told me of how she found Sargeant Brick, how they took a ship to pursue my kidnappers and how they were attacked by Rustjaw. I looked into her watery eyes as she told me of Brick’s sacrifice, of her subsequent loss of control and how Iron held her. I barely managed to repress my anger over Rustjaw’s transformation and what Summer and Iron both gave up in order to defeat him.

The Black Water. It all comes down to that in the end. It keeps showing up and hurting people, no matter where I go. Someone is going to have to answer for this.

I didn’t even notice the death grip I had on the metal rail to Summer’s bed, nor did I notice that the unicorn had stopped her tale and was staring at me again. When she leaned over and placed one hoof on my hand, I almost leapt back from her. Restraining myself, I calmed my breathing and looked back at her, nodding once to show her I was calm.

“When the pegasus guards managed to get their clouds under control, they navigated back to us. The fire that you started on the pirate’s ship helped guide them back after which they simply picked us up and took us back here.”

“And the pirate’s themselves?”

“Safely locked up and facing a trial for their crimes. Not like one is really needed though, there’s so much evidence against them that the entire procedure is practically unnecessary. We even got a the captain’s log and personal diary, which should speed up the procedure slightly.”

Summer’s words echoed in my mind, resonating with another set of words that were bouncing around the inside of my skull, unforgettable no matter how hard I tried.

“Cabin. Bo...book.”

My face must have revealed my thoughts to the world since Summer’s face immediately dropped, her eyes filling with painful understanding. One of her forelegs stretched out and grabbed my shoulder lightly, drawing me into a hug.

Even though her touch was light and her fur soft, why did I feel like it was an executioner's blade being placed against my neck?

“Ace...we found the body.”

Her voice was close, whispering in my ear as she held me tightly, and yet it seemed so far away at the same time. I wasn’t truly in the room with Summer then, I was back on the ship. Vibrant Melody was staring up at me, gasping for breath as her lifeblood soaked into the deck.

“...did what you had to do.” Summer finished, snapping me back to the present.

I nodded mutely, hoping that she would accept this. I couldn’t tell her that her words were like poison to me, soaking into an open wound and infecting my thoughts. No amount of comforting platitudes would remove the memory of Melody’s pain-filled eyes and assurances like ‘self-defence’ and ‘it was necessary’ just made things worse.

A cold, logical part of me acknowledged that it was all true, both what Lady Luck had told me and what Summer had essentially backed her up on. Melody had chosen her own path and, in the end, her death was the only option.

Yet a much louder, more emotional, part of me screamed in impotent fury over the unfairness of it all. It roared in rage at the logical side of me and, once it had expended it’s supply of anger, it wept for something lost.

“So what are you going to do next?” I asked as I eased out of Summer’s hug, wanting to switch subjects as quickly as possible.

Summer looked surprised by the sudden question and, for a moment, I thought she was going to ask more about Melody before she seemed to accept the subject change and continued.

“I’m thinking of staying here actually.” She said, her voice filling with hope.

My heart dropped out of my chest at her words, so innocently spoken. She wanted to stay? But why? Wasn’t she having fun adventuring with me?

“Manehatten needs me, now more than ever,” She continued, “With Brick...gone...the Guard’s don’t have anyone with the experience necessary to lead. I’m now the highest ranking member of the Manehatten Guard and, as such, am now the Honorary Captain until we can establish contact with High Command again.” She smiled, her pearly teeth gleaming in the hospital lighting. “Even then, I think I have a pretty good chance of getting the job permanently.”

I wasn’t sure whether to smile and be happy for her or weep and beg her not to stay. I’d never truly had friends like Summer and Iron before; people who are willing to go to ridiculously extreme lengths to help me, people who get along with me and are willing to accept me. Sure, I’ve had friends before but all those relationships have either been so weak as to whither over time or break entirely, being proved false in the end. In my line of work at least, you don’t really make many friends, just contacts and acquaintances.

“I…” My mouth began, trying to fill the silence before my brain managed to compose anything to actually say.

“You could stay as well!” Summer blurted out, evidently noticing my indecision. “I mean, if you want to. We could certainly use someone of your skills, not to mention your intimate knowledge of the sort of people we are trying to catch.”

Wait, did she just call me a thief? I am more than that! I...am a specialist.

Still my mind was torn. On one hand, I would get to stay with Summer and Iron, work with them on a daily basis even. On the other hand though, it’s Manehatten, a city now jam packed full of way too many memories for me.

“I don’t know if I can.” I eventually answered, my heart tearing in two again as her eager smile slowly drooped down. “There’s still so much left to see, so much left to do and this city…” I trailed off, unsure of how to explain it.

To my surprise, Summer’s smile returned, this time less eager but full of understanding.

“Okay Ace.” She said, “I won’t say that I’m happy about you leaving...but...if you feel you have to do this then so be it. Just know that you will always have a place here, no matter what.”

I nodded once again, not sure if I would ever end up accepting that offer, “What about Iron?”

Summer looked over to the comatose minotaur, her eyes full of worry but her smile hopeful, “Back on the ship, Iron and I had a little moment, I guess you would call it. I was a bit out of the loop from using so much magic and ended up demanding that he take me to dinner.”

Despite the pain in my heart, I felt overjoyed at the news, a wide smile breaking onto my face. I had wondered how long it would take the two of them to actually talk about their feelings and it looked like it had only taken a giant mutant serpent to force them to confront each other.

“And?” I asked enthusiastically, “What did he say?”

“I’m fairly certain he said yes,” Summer replied, “Though I would really like to confirm that when he wakes up. I hope he did say yes though, I don’t know if I have the courage to ask again.” Her shoulders slumped slightly as she spoke, her own neurotic worries getting to her.

This time, it was me who pulled her into a hug, “Summer, I have something really important to tell you about men. A secret that I should really not be exposing to a female.”

Her eyebrow raised, “Oh, what’s that?”

I took an exaggerated breath, as though preparing for some dramatic revelation, “Men...are really dense. Like, ridiculously dense.”

Summer snorted, “We already knew that. This isn’t really news to us girls.”

“What!? How?” I demanded, whipping my head around as though searching for some invisible informant. “Who told you? There must be a mole in our ranks!”

Thankfully, this got the correct response from the mare as she burst out into giggles, which escalated to full on laughter as I joined in, dropping my act. Laughing with a friend felt really good, our worries drained away as we chuckled ourselves hoarse.

Eventually we calmed down and we both took a few deep breaths to regain some measure of control over ourselves. “Seriously though,” I said through breathes, “I know that Iron likes you, and you clearly like him, so there’s no need for anymore silly running around. If there’s any problems, just be clear and talk to him. Like I said, men are dense, we aren’t good at reading signs. Hell, we can’t even read maps.”

“I’ll make sure to keep that in mind.”

“You do that,” I smiled slightly sadly, “There’s one more thing though. I was wondering if you would be able to hold on to something for me, at least until I come back? Think of it as collateral if you will, to ensure my return.” I began to rummage around in my pocket, my hand eventually closing around the object. Even then, I still had trouble actually drawing it out and looking it in the face, so to speak. “I don’t think I can keep this with me anymore. It seems so heavy. Would you be able to look after it for me?”

“Of course I will Ace.”

“Thanks Summer, you’re the best.” With a flick of my wrist I cast the offending object onto the bedside table. “And I promise you, I will be back one day. I just need some time to get things together.”

“I understand,” She leaned back, her eyes staring into the distance as she remembered something, “It was the same for me, once upon a time. I needed to get out, to find myself out there away from my father’s shadow. I found more than just myself though,” Here she looked at me before turning slightly to gaze lovingly at the sleeping minotaur beside us, “and now I’m ready to settle down. I hope that you can also find yourself, and maybe a little more.”

I felt my eyes watering again but managed to keep myself together, “Thanks Summer, that means a lot.” I paused uncomfortably, “I guess this is goodbye then?”

“More like ‘see you later’.”

“Right, right.” I looked down and shook my head, “Give my best to Iron won’t you? And tell him about my promise?”

“Of course Ace, now get out of here.” She gave me a rueful smile, “Technically, I’m still a Guard and, technically, you are still a thief.”

“Oh? You gonna hunt me down?” I raised an eyebrow, “What are you going to tell the higher ups about me by the way?”

“The truth. That you are an exceptionally devious individual who managed to work his way into my confidence, trick a large portion of the Guard with your superior intellect before utilising your exceptional dexterity to escape in an epic pursuit.”

I glowed at the compliment, “Thanks Summer, have I ever told you how awesome you are?”

“Several times I believe, but it’s always nice to hear,” She grinned, “Now go. I can already feel strength returning to my legs and I’d hate to have to run a thief out of town on my first day officially back in the Guard.”

“Aye, goodbye Summer.” I paused, “No...see you soon.”

With that I turned and strode away from my two best friends, unwilling to let them see the tears once again streaming down my face. Thus I missed Summer looking over at the Ace of Diamonds that I had left upon her bedside table and missed her looking sorrowfully at me as I walked away.

“See you soon Ace.”

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7

Yeah, you guys can shout at me now if you want. I wanted to get this chapter out ages ago but a whole bunch of things got in the way, including heading off to university (which I'm at now). Not really an excuse though. I did still have some time to myself to write but never actually did. Guess that's just me being lazy again.

Oh yeah, still not quite finished. Wanted this to be the last chapter but it seemed like such a good place to end. So, one more chapter (probably...if I don't mess up again.)

Barrel-of-fun

Shuffled Away

The day was beginning to wane away by the time I stopped walking. I had been walking in a daze for a bit, an uncomfortable silence surrounding me as, for the first time in a while, I travelled without companionship. When I finally did stop, I found myself on a sun-kissed hill overlooking the port city. As I turned to look down at the city, the sun at my back, it felt almost as if the entire settlement lay at my hooves.

How ironic. I had not conquered this city. Hell, I could barely stand to look at it.

Regardless, I took a seat on the hill and reached into the satchel that I had hanging around my chest. Two objects were inside. The first could very well be described as a work of art. It turned out that the carpenter I hired did good work after all. The card shooter was wonderfully crafted, all smooth wood and bright springs. It was, to be perhaps a bit extravagant, perfect. The mechanism was smooth, the bands that strapped it to my wrist were comfortable and it was small and light enough to be easily concealed beneath my sleeve without encumbering my arm.

The second however, was far less satisfactory to look upon. Not only had I technically stolen it from the Guard house but it was also about as far from a work of art as it was possible to be. If anything, Melody’s journal was the work of a mad mare, and I dreaded what I might find within its pages. Even so, I knew that I had to read it. It was the only way to get any answers about Melody.

And I had always been a curious creature.

For a moment, I wondered if I would be better off not reading the book, better off not finding out about Vibrant Melody, the mare I had killed. Perhaps I should just throw the book away? Cast it into some stream and forget about it. Get on with my life and try to put Melody, and her fate, out of my mind.

But I only thought this for a moment.

With a sigh, I looked down at the book and began to read.

Diary of Vibrant Melody

4/7/1678

Dear Diary,

Today was a wonderful day! After so long of working pubs and run-down bars here in Los Pegasus, I’ve finally been noticed. Seems like some the friend of a club owner had stopped by for a drink and he noticed my singing. He said that he would get in touch with his friend and arrange an audition for me. This could be my chance! Finally, I’m going to be somepony.

Filled with hope,
Melody.

Diary of Vibrant Melody

8/7/1678

I met the mare I will be working for today. Gentle Tones is, much like her name, a very sweet and caring mare. I’ll be singing at her club every weekend, with a healthy wage to go with it. She even gave me my first two weeks in advance! I’ve never seen so many bits in once place! No more living off tips from leering drunks for this mare!

As soon as I get settled into the club, I’m going to invite the family up to see me perform. I can’t wait to see my sister again, not to mention having Ma and Pa see me up on that bright stage.

Looking to the future,
Melody.

I was, of course, understandably confused by these first few entries. If anything, these seemed to be the various ramblings and recounts of a fairly ordinary mare. Struggling a bit for work sure but, other than that, perfectly normal. What could have possibly happened that caused her to become the fearsome pirate that I had met?

I began to skip some of the entries, mainly ones about her family visiting and how well things were going now that she was at the club. Finally, I found one that seemed significant.

Diary of Vibrant Melody

23/2/1679

Another astounding break for me happened today. I got another job offer! A talent scout must have been in Gentle Tones’ club because one of the big club owners offered me a job at her establishment. At first, I was worried. Gentle Tones had told me about some of these big club ponies. How they would wrap a filly like myself up in legal fine print until we didn’t even know which way up was. At first, I believed the older mare and was wary of the contact.

At least, until I saw the amount of zeroes on my wage slip.

They were offering at least five times what I was getting from Gentle Tones! It became obvious what was happening then. That sweet old mare was just a façade, a mask to lure young fools in and make them trust her. Gentle Tones must have been quite the ruthless businessmare. Now that those nice agents from the big club had come along, I knew how much I was really worth.

And it was far more than Gentle Tones could afford.

I start at the new club this weekend. With this, I’ll have enough money to bring the entire family up to Los Pegasus, even buy them a nice house soon enough. Ma and Pa can retire if they wish! And my lil’ sis will go to all the best schools!

Life’s going to be good from now on.

A new mare,
Melody

To all intents and purposes, it seemed like Melody’s statement turned out to be true, at least for a while. She brought her family up to the city, her wage was more than enough to give them a good life. Her mother and father continued to work, even when Melody urged them to retire they refused, stating that ‘hard work’s good for the soul’.

Melody declared this sentiment to be ridiculous and, honestly, I agreed.

It was then that I discovered an entry that deviated from the norm. For the last few years of entries, Melody’s writing had been neat and precise, all to the same format. This one, however, was incredibly messy. It looked more like it had been scrawled onto the page by a child than carefully written by a grown mare. At first, I thought that Melody’s sister had managed to get hold of the diary and scrawl in it, until I actually managed to read the near-illegible writing.

Melody’s diary

28/7/1684

Tragedy. How could this have happened to me? Everything seemed to be going so well. Now who could possibly love me?

Perhaps I should explain.

I was singing at the club like usual and it was getting pretty late. Even though working at this club had been good to me, there were some downsides. For example, barely a few days into my career here, I found out something I had missed in the contract. For one thing, I had to work more nights here than I had at Tones’ club and work much later too. It was a required part of my contract apparently, though of course that wasn’t mentioned earlier.

Regardless, I was working my least favourite time of the whole week. Late on Friday night. The only patrons still left in the club are those too drunk or too desperate to get away from home to leave. Security itself is pretty lax, the large bouncers practically asleep on their hooves after the long work day.

Thus, they don’t react quickly enough when a particularly drunken stallion decides to climb on stage. I don’t know whether he was actually trying to take a shot at me or if he simply wanted to try his own singing talent. What I saw was a drunken, leery stallion climbing towards me. Naturally, I screamed.

Apparently, the drunk didn’t take too well to the piercing noise cutting through his ears and he takes a swing at me. Badly aimed but effective nonetheless. I fall of the stage, seemingly such a long way down, and there’s this glass, just innocently left on a table, rushing up to meet my face.

So now I’m in hospital, my face covered with bandages. The docs can’t tell the full extent of the damage yet but I know it’s not good just from the looks in their eyes. I wonder if they’ll let me back at the club, or if I even want to go back? Will Gentle Tones let me perform at her club again? I was wrong about the old mare. She paid me what she could and always kept her workers safe and happy. My contract says I can’t even sue the club or the stallion who attacked me. I even hired a lawyer to look over the legalities of it. Watertight he says. Nothing I can do.

Will my sister be able to look me in the eye again?

Fearfully,
Melody

I put down the book as I stared into the distance, my feelings unsure and my mind rife with confusion. From this account, it seemed like Melody was just a mare who had made some bad decisions. I had made much worse decisions in my life but had always managed to pull myself through it.

Then again, I realised as my heart sank, Melody didn’t have a powerful goddess of luck helping her out.

Once again, I picked up the book and continued reading.

Melody’s Journal

5/8/1684

I feel like a monster. No, worse than that. I feel like a freak. Every day I see perfect, unblemished ponies going about their perfect little lives and yet, when they see me and my new face, their eyes fill with pity, or fear, or some combination of the two. I tried going back to the club and they even let me go up on stage and perform, a fact for which I was immensely grateful.

But then, I couldn’t do it.

Looking down from the stage at that sea of eyes filled with horror made me clam up instantly. The spotlights, which I had once loved, now just seemed to highlight every flaw. The words got stuck in my throat, and the song refused to come out no matter how hard I tried. I ended up fleeing the stage, not even looking back. I considered trying Tones’ club, where maybe the ponies might be more understanding and not so horrified, but eventually decided otherwise.

The world may have taken my ability to perform, but I still had my pride. I couldn’t go crawling back, not now. That bridge had been burnt long ago.

I would have been able to take all this with ease, if it were just for one thing. If only my family weren’t like the others. If only my parent’s eyes didn’t fill with sorrow at the sight of my scar. If only my sister had recognized her own sister without having to be told who I was. She was right though. I could see that whenever I looked in the mirror. The scar seemed to twist my entire face into a scowl. I don’t think I’ve ever fully scowled before in my life, and now it’s my permanent expression.

I don’t know what I’m going to do next. Something tells me I should leave town. Maybe go somewhere. I hear that Manehatten’s nice.

Melody.

Well that at least explains where Melody came from but not how she ended up as she was. I began to skip forward a couple of pages at a time, quickly skimming through Melody’s thoughts. Her writing got much neater after a while, I noted. Far better than when she had freshly been injured.

That was true, at least until I flipped over to the next page.

I’m not sure what day it is right now, or even where I am right now. I’m scared though. That’s all I can focus on. The fear. Fear of myself.

There’s a voice in my head. Not my voice, some stranger’s voice. It tells me things, whispers advice to me. Such good advice. Tells me how to survive in this place. How to fight, how to kill even. The best way to break a pony’s leg, or shatter a horn, or slice a throat.

It’s so easy, once you know how. Why doesn’t everypony do this? Surviving is so much easier now I have the voice.

Why was I afraid again? I forgot.

Feeling sleepy now, the voice is singing to me. Such a sweet voice. Nice voice.

Melody

I re-read the passage, horrified at what was before my eyes. I flipped back through the diary, my eyes furiously picking out small phrases and words that confirmed what was happening.

‘I had the strangest thought today…’

‘Such a curious idea came to me…’

‘Something told me he was lying. Something inside my head…’

‘A little voice in my head said…’

Something had been talking to Melody, tempting her and telling her what to do. Each time the voice had gave her some advice though, Melody had always followed it. She was so lost that she would accept direction from anywhere, even a suspicious voice inside her head.

And I was willing to bet I knew who that voice was.

I skipped forward again, skimming through, until I found what looked like a coherent entry.

I’m not sure how long it’s been since I wrote in here. There are other entries of course, but I’m not sure if that’s really ME writing them. Everything seems so hazy now. The voice is quieter now, still whispering but quietly.

These lucid moments are getting rarer and rarer. I can’t tell if this is going to be my last. After this, I don’t know if it will even be Vibrant Melody in this body anymore or some strange creature who obeys the voices in her head.

I’m so scared right now. I can feel myself fading away. I don’t want to go.

Will anyone miss me when I’m gone? Does my sister remember me? Do my parents still think of me? It’s been years since I saw them. I consider going back to see them one last time but restrain myself. What would the voice say? What would it tell me to do to them?

Oh Celestia, I’m scared. Please, if anyone reads this…

Forgive me.

Slowly, I closed the book. For a few moments I just stared at it, drinking in the dark blue covering, the little golden swirls and the various scuff marks that made up the front of the book. I then raised my thousand yard stare to look out over Manehatten.

This city had taken so much from me. I had come in a wide-eyed and rambunctious trickster and now…now I’m not even sure what I am. I certainly wasn’t the same man who got dropped into Equestria so long ago. It had barely been a few months and yet it felt like years.

“What have I done?” I asked the world.

“The only thing you could do.” Came the unexpected response from behind me.

I didn’t even bother to turn, knowing who would be there. That voice. That cryptic little reply. That ability to get onto a completely open hilltop without me seeing. It could really only be one person.

“You keep saying that,” I said, still slouching my head, “But I’m not sure what it really means.”

She strode over, her light footsteps crunching grass beneath her. She then sat down beside me, laying one hand on my shoulder. I felt like shrugging her away, but didn’t. Now was not the time to be angry with her. I had to let her explain herself.

“Ace, if you could see the world as I see it, you would understand my actions.” She frowned, I could practically hear it, “Perhaps it would be easier to just show you.”

Her other hand came around, laying gently against my jaw and turning my head to look into her green eyes.

“Brace yourself, this is going to feel very strange.”

Her eyes flashed, the jade depths flaring with an inside light, and then the world exploded.

Golden light filled my vision for a moment. Just as I began to fear that I had gone completely blind, it began to die down, some of the light staying behind and forming strange strings that attached to various objects. Multiple stings seemed to be wrapped around my own body, heading of in various directions before getting lost in the gigantic weave that now surrounded me. Experimentally, I moved my arm and the golden thread that wrapped around it moved with me. I could see the thread but couldn’t seem to feel it.

“What is this?” I asked, wonder filling my voice.

“This is how I see the world.” Lady Luck replied, “Ace, I’d like you to meet the Strings of Probability. Strings of Probability, Ace.”

“What do they do?” I was still staring at my arm, swaying it back and forth and watching the thread dance about, “These Strings of Probability? How do they relate to Melody? And more importantly, how do they relate to Até? She was the voice right? The one talking to Melody?”

She smiled sadly and nodded, “It’s not just myself who views the world like this. A whole bunch of other gods can see the Strings, Até included. Look over there,” She pointed to a spot in the grass a small distance from us, “See that rock?”

Sure enough there was a small rock in the grass, a golden thread phasing into it.

“Say that rock is a cart and that ladybird down there,” She pointed slightly further down the hill to where I could just make out a small red dot on a piece of grass. It would have been invisible if it weren’t for the multiple golden strings that came off its form, “is a pony. Now Até would tug at this string and…”

She suddenly grabbed a sting near her hand and gave it a yank. The world seemed to jump sideways as the string jerked. The small rock, which had been stationary only a moment ago, began to roll slowly forwards, eventually picking up speed as it barrelled towards the oblivious ladybird. It was like watching a train wreck in miniature. Any moment now that little bug would be crushed. I found myself strangely concerned over its well-being, despite the fact that it was just a ladybird.

“And now,” Lady Luck continued, “I tug at this string.”

She grabbed another one near her, giving it a quick strum as though it were the string of a harp. Once again, the world jumped sideways, this time the some of the other strings began to vibrate as the plucked string resonated outwards. A stick, which I was sure had been at least a few feet to the left before, now found itself in the way of the rolling stone. The stone struck the stick and went flying into the air, heading far over the ladybird’s head and landing harmlessly in the grass. The ladybird, startled by its near death experience, quickly fled, taking off as quickly as its little wings could carry it.

Slightly amazed and very impressed, I turned to Lady Luck, who simply raised an eyebrow at me.

“Do you get it now?”

“Okay, I’m not an idiot. You’re saying that you and Até have been at your little tug of war for a while. She alters probability to cause something bad and then you pull some strings to prevent it. But surely, if there are so many probabilities, something could have been done to help Melody?”

She looked down, seemingly too ashamed to meet my eyes, “Maybe if I had realized sooner. I didn’t see that Até would prepare so far ahead. I underestimated her, I’ll admit. She had been at Vibrant Melody for a while, twisting her into the rage-filled pirate that you fought. By the time that I realised the extent that Até had prepared for this, it was too late. There were only two Strings around the two of you on that ship.”

“So in one, Melody dies and I walk away. And the other?”

My mother looked me directly in the eye, her gaze hard and steely, “You died. Melody finished off Iron and Summer. She then takes out the remnant of the Guard and places Manehatten back under her control, killing many ponies and carrying on her reign of terror.” She sighed then, seeming so old for a moment. She had always seemed like this force of nature, always being either terrifying or exhilarating to be around. Now though, she really did look like someone who had been around for a thousand years, fighting the whole time. She looked so tired. “For me, there was only one option. I couldn’t lose you Ace. You’re one of the few good things that have happened to me in my life…I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.”

I didn’t speak. There were no words to express myself properly to her. I simply stepped forward and embraced her, allowing the goddess – no, my mother – to cry into my shoulder. She had always been strong for me. Now I needed to be strong for her.

Eventually, and after much snivelling and sniffing from the both of us, we calmed down. Handkerchiefs were produced from sleeves and we had a good laugh about how pathetic we must look before wiping our eyes.

“What are you going to do now?” She eventually asked, her face magically back to looking pristine. Damn goddess magic. I bet I still look a mess. “Até is still out there. She put up a fight over Melody but, in the end, she didn’t put her all into the battle. She has other plans in the works, of that I am sure.”

“Well I’ll just have to keep travelling and hunting for her I guess,” I frowned, “But first though, I have to visit Los Pegasus.”

My mother looked at me curiously.

“There’s a family I have to visit.” I said, picking up the journal from where I had left it in the grass, “They deserve to know the truth.”

“What are you going to tell them? The whole truth?”

“Of a sort,” I replied, “I’m going to tell them that their daughter was a victim. I’m going to tell her that she died to save another. I’m going to tell them that she died thinking of them.”

Lady Luck bowed her head, smiling slightly at that, “Well, I’ll be off now then. We’ll definitely meet again Ace. And I will be watching over you my son. I love you.”

I smiled at her, feeling much better now than I did this morning, “I love you too…mum.”

She looked up at me, shocked. A wide smile began to tug at her face, even as she began to fade away. A moment later, it was as though she had never even been there in the first place and I was alone upon the hilltop. Looking down at Melody’s journal for one last time, I placed it carefully in my satchel before slinging it over my shoulder and walking over to where the stick that mother had conjured for her little demonstration lay.

It was a sturdy looking thing, probably could have been a thick branch if it had stayed attached to the tree. Maybe children would have wrapped a rope around it and used it as a swing. Maybe some bird would have made its nest upon it. So many various possibilities for just a branch. Seemed a waste just to leave it lying here.

I picked it up and gave it a quick once over. It would do I guess. Taking a few pouches and bags from my belt, I quickly tied them onto the branch before leaning it against my shoulder. Reaching into one of the remaining bags at my waist, I pulled out my pipe and placed it in my mouth before setting off down the hill.

The world awaits after all, and you know what they say about old gamblers. We never really die…

We just get shuffled away.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7

And that's it folks. The end of Wild Card.

Wow, it's kinda hard to believe for me. This is the first big writing project I've ever done and I'm honestly surprised it did so well for itself. Now, almost a year later, over a thousand people have read and followed this story, hopefully enjoying it all the way. I'm feeling kind of sad/happy (sappy?) at the moment. On one hand, I'm happy that I've managed to get through such a big project without giving up but on the other I'm sad that it's over, considering it's been a part of my life for quite a while now.

Wow...emotions are weird.

Anyways, I'd like to give big thank you to my various editors, especially Blazinblade7 who stuck with me till the end. Also a shout-out to everyone who is a part of the Chess Game of the Gods universe, either writing, reading or simply those just enjoying watching all us mad people.

I'd also like to make it clear that this is not the end of Ace's adventures. There WILL be a sequel...at some point. Like Ace said in the final line, he's getting shuffled away for a bit as I work on other projects but I will get back to him. I even have a basic plan ready for the sequel that I'm kind of excited over.

Oh, one final thing. Although this is the last official chapter of Wild Card, I will be willing to do a Q&A session thingy if anyone wants me to. If you do, simply send me a message with your question and specify whether or not you want your name attached to it. (I.E. 'Hello, my name is the awesome Rainbow Dash and I wanted to ask why I didn't show up in Wild Card. This story would have been WAY better with me in it. Don't but my name on this though, I don't want Twilight to know I read fanfiction. She'd try and get me to read her Celestia shipping fics, I just know it.') If you don't want your name on it then I will simply put it down as 'Anonymous asks:'. If I get enough questions, I'll add a Q&A chapter to the end of this story.

Thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoyed my ramblings,
Barrel-of-fun

Q&A

So here we go, a small Q and A session between you guys and myself. This makes me feel quite important really, like I should be at Bronycon announcing my various thoughts to a roomful of devoted bronies.

Before I go mad with power, let’s get this underway.

Red Moon Levee asks:
‘What would you suggest to help a new writer keep writing when there is no inspiration?’

Firstly, welcome to the business to words, you can collect your free Pen-gun over there and just remember: Pen-gun: Mightier than the sword.

I would also advise against forcing yourself to write, as you tend to come out with disappointing results to say the least. If you are having trouble with the story you are currently writing then maybe try writing something different for a bit? I have often gone off, wrote a one thousand word drabble about something silly and then come back to Wild Card refreshed and ready for round two. It can be quite a useful little tactic.

Furthermore, I’d put it to you that there is never ‘no inspiration’ for a story. It’s simply a matter of finding the inspiration. Whether it is something you read in a book, see in a movie or witness in the outside world, life is full of little inspirations that can help push you forward.

And now I sound like a member of the Dead Poet’s Society. Brilliant.

Aggro Viking asks a bunch of questions:
‘What is your favourite sweet?’

Cadbury’s Eclairs. I’ve eaten whole bags of those at a time in the past.

‘Nick Cage?’

Only when he is photo-shopped onto other things. Like Miley Cyrus.

‘Laptop or Desktop?’

I’ve been a desktop man for years and the first 40 or so chapters of Wild Card have been done on a desktop. However, now that I’m at university I find a laptop to be far more convenient.

‘What is your least favourite card game?’

Anyone that doesn’t take place on the back of a motorcycle. Honestly though, probably poker. Despite me writing an entire story about a gambling thief, I’m terrible at card games and don’t know my flushes from my facedown trap cards without consulting the internet.

Keairan asks:
‘How will Lady Luck and Até react to Oponn’s attunement to Equus?’ IE Oponn is now another Luck God that can openly affect Equus.’

Hmm, difficult to say to be honest. Lady Luck would probably be fairly ambivalent towards another god of luck, providing they didn’t mess with Ace or muck up her probabilities too much. Até, on the other hand, would probably be furious at another god that specialises in luck, a domain that she feels should be hers entirely.

_Checkmate_ asks:
‘What kind of plans do you have for the sequel; i.e. forming a new (possibly permanent) team, working for the Equestian Gov./Dairy?’

A difficult question to answer without revealing too much. About all I can say is that the sequel will involve two figures from Ace’s past who feel that they have been wronged by our hero. There might also be a possible love interest, providing if the paramour in question can pin down our slippery satyr. That’s about all I can say.

Ikiostar asks:
‘Will Ace ever find new companions? What will happen to his friends from this part of the story? Marriage? Kids? ...Oh...and for the actors in this wonderful play...What was your favorite part in this story?

Ace will definitely be getting some new companions for the sequel. As for Summer and Iron, they will be staying in Manehatten and settling down together. Marriage is probable, after a certain amount of time Swift Storm would probably force a nervous Iron to pop the question. Or Summer would ask first of course. She isn’t exactly the kind of pony to let someone get away once they’ve caught her eye. As for the final question, let’s hand it over to the actors themselves.

Summer: I really like finding my dad and rescuing him. It really gave me the chance to show off some emotional depth as well as a little bit of magical flank-kicking. I usually enjoy being the calm one of the group but I confess, being given the opportunity to go completely insane on someone was fun.

Iron: I PUNCHED A GIANT SNAKE IN THE FACE! Seriously, what else can top that?

Ace: Well, this is my story so I’d say that any scene with me in it is not only my favourite scene but is also the best scene of the story. I’m just that awesome.
What’s that? I have to actually pick one? But how?! There’s so many good ones.
Fine. I guess I’d torn between the emotion-heavy part where I found out Lady Luck was really my mother and that one scene early on where I danced on Iron’s head and showed how much of a little bitch he really is.

Iron: You little sh-!

Ace: Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with the Bull Dancing scene. That one was fun. I would say that the bar fight scene where I punched Princess Luna was my favourite but I’m about 80% sure she would hear that and throw me into the Shadow Realm.

Summer: Ace, Princess Luna does not throw people into Shadow Realms!

Ace: And I don’t even know how to play children’s card games!

…moving on.

Maskedferret asks…a whole bunch of questions really:
How does Iron live with his hand?
Wow. Well, let’s start at the beginning. Iron’s hand works in a similar way to a prosthetic limb in that it is not strictly speaking a part of him. When the hand got turned into iron, the spell cut off the blood vessels leading to the hand by turning the end of them into metal. It was essentially like the limb had just been perfectly amputated and cauterised in one fell swoop. I’m not sure of the effect this would have on the cardiovascular system as I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure Iron could survive such a thing…though I wouldn’t recommend anyone trying it at home.

Was Até responsible for Melody falling onto the glass?
Our goddess of misfortune certainly does work in mysterious ways, and has a terrible tendency towards meddling. Is she responsible for Melody’s wounds? Well, I’m not telling. I leave all speculation up to the audience. Though I warn you of the dangers involved in idle speculation. Até has ways and means, and is not too fond of those who talk behind her back. Take care, lest you become her next game.

Any chance of a short story about how Fate fell for Ace’s dad?
I confess, I haven’t really thought of doing a story about the two of them. If I did, it would probably be in a bit of a different style to my usual writing. Perhaps even poetry? I know not. Darn, now I’m thinking, a dangerous hobby at the best of times. The best I can say to this question is…maybe.

Does Ace have any characteristics that differentiate him from other satyrs?
A confusing question for my confused mind. I’m unsure of what the baseline satyr is like, since I’ve read several different interpretations of the species and their abilities. Other than the obvious things, such as his wits, his luck and his skills, I wouldn’t say Ace has anything exceptional going on. But then, as far as I know, he is the only satyr in Chessverse Equestria, so that’s fairly exceptional in itself.

Do the cards in the deck regenerate over time?
The deck of cards does regenerate over time, but it does so in relation to the power of the cards. For example, a one or a two card might take a week or so to regenerate whilst a face card would take a few months. As for the ace cards, they take up to a year to be used again.

Is it possible for a minotaur and a pony to reproduce?
Can’t say I’ve ever considered the question. Hmmm, I believe that they should be able to, but only with the assistance of a magical medical profession. Specialised magic must be used to properly mix the two species’ genes without causing any deformations in the child. These hospital visits must happen at least once a week throughout the pregnancy so that the child’s natural magic can be properly developed.

Anonymous asks:
Who inspired your characters? Any other fictional characters you drew from? People in real life?

One of my inspirations for my work was actually one of the works on this site, a wonderfully entertaining piece by the name of Machinations of a Trickster. The protagonist from that story, Karen, identifies himself proudly as a trickster, which was something I quite likes. A rogue who was confident in his identity of who he was.

Summer was slightly inspired by a friend of mine with an extra dollop of sass thrown in. I won’t name any names here but let’s just say that after 14 years of doing martial arts, she can kick a lot of ass if she wants to. And yet, she is one of the most polite and kind people I know. The sassiness was added pretty much just because I like sassy women…

Iron, despite being an actual canon character, is a bit different in this story. The retired badass aspect comes from an NPC I made up for a D&D game. Basically he was a retired adventurer that used his money to buy a noble title and sit around drinking fancy wines whilst telling everyone about his adventures. The one time he was actually forced into action ended with fifteen skeleton warriors in various pieces around the room with him barely breaking a sweat. He immediately sat back in his chair, stroked his impressive moustache and carried on drinking. That’s what I imagine Iron Will be like in a few years. He and Summer spend most of their time being calm and respectful except for when they have to bust down walls and knock heads together.

Gcwg57 asks:
Will the events of your visions of the future chapter appear in the sequel? Any more crossovers planned?

A good question. The visions of the future chapter was kind of a spur of the moment thing that I mainly did because all the other Chessverse authors were doing them at the time. So, like the little sheep I am, I also did one. Even though I do like the chapter itself, I regret doing that now. Plans change as I’m writing so I doubt Ace will actually end up doing what happens in the visions chapter, even in the sequel. At the moment, I’m tentatively declaring the visions of the future chapter to be non-canon to the story. I say tentatively because I’m still not sure of a lot of things. Ace may very well end up doing that at some point.

I don’t have any crossovers planned at the moment really. I’ll admit, it’d been a while since I’ve been in touch with the other Chessverse authors. My life’s a bit hectic at the moment but I’ll still try and get back in touch with them. I doubt I will do a crossover in the sequel, since I’m planning for it to be a fairly linear adventure, unlike the sprawling mess that was Wild Card. I may even have a plan set out for the sequel, as opposed to Wild Card which I wrote on a week by week basis with only the barest of plans in my head.

Fugly duckling asks:
When the sequel is out, will you make a shout out chapter on Wild Card?

Yes, I’ll make sure to do that in addition to the blog post. I’m not sure what will be coming out first though, the sequel or a side story featuring Wild Flower and Quick Sparks. I think I'll be doing the side story as I have that more planned out, so you may see that in a few weeks time, hopefully.

Chance Meeting

So, new story. Should be good.

Updates should be around once a week and, hopefully, will remain at around 2000 words. At the very least 1500+.

Edited by the Awesome PieisGood4U

Enjoy

Barrel-of-fun

The applause of the crowd was hungrily absorbed by the red-headed street performer. He took a low, sweeping bow to the gathered audience as they applauded his skill. He had just finished performing a two hour magic show on the streets of London to the amusement of any who passed by. His angular face was red with exertion and his white shirt and waistcoat clung to his body with sweat. It had been a long and gruelling day working outside underneath the sun in this fancy getup but certain things were expected of street magicians. One of those things was that they looked a bit weird.

If looking weird was a competition than this particular performer might not take the gold, but he would certainly add a sense of style and grace to the preceding. He had red rust coloured hair that hung loosely around his face and was tied back into a long braid that almost reached his waist. Atop his head was a fancy top hat, black, to match the black waistcoat he wore over a pearly white shirt. Below his left eye, if you looked closely, you might make out the small tattoo of a spade from a deck of cards. A sign nearby indicated his identity as the Amazing Ace, Magician Extraordinaire.

His smooth, well-practiced voice raised above the crowd’s applause. He had attended classes to get the right voice that a good performer needed. A husky yet smooth voice that offered mystery and suspense to all who heard it. It could also be used to pick up chicks at bars.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for attending my show. It is now time for my final trick. I shall astound you. Mystify you. Bamboozle you. I shall do a feat that modern science has deemed impossible. I shall disappear!”

The crowd took this news well, bursting into a fresh round of applause. In truth, the disappearing trick was old hat among magicians, but it was the delivery that was important. You could see the same trick a thousand times but so long as the delivery remained fresh then you would still enjoy the trick.

The magician, Ace, raised a large black shroud in front of himself, to block the audience's view. It wouldn’t do to reveal the trick itself. The magic was in the mystery after all. The crowd watched with baited breath, eager to see the outcome of the trick. The automated sound system played out a drum roll and, at the height of the drum’s suspense building tones, the curtain fell to reveal nothing behind it. The audience beat their hands together furiously in applause of the magicians skill, fully expecting him to come out on stage once more to take a final bow.

But the Amazing Ace had performed his last, and most brilliant, trick.

He had disappeared off the face of the planet.

I awoke floating in some kind of endless void. All I could see around me was purest black, as far as the eye could see. What had happened to me? Had I had some kind of accident on stage? Maybe collapsed into a coma?

Am I dead?

“Relax, young Ace, I have brought you here for a reason of great importance”

“Who's that? Who's there?…God? Is that God? Oh, I’m sorry for not believing in you, I swear I had a good reason…just give me a minute to think of one”

“Calm yourself, I am much more familiar to you than God. In fact, you have known me all your life. I have helped you many a time, you may call me Lady Luck”

Lady Luck? I couldn’t believe it. The lady of Fortune was the only god I had sent actual prayers to in my life. Whenever I was doing a particularly risky trick of playing a high stakes game of poker I had sent silent prayers to the being before me. Just couldn’t believe she was actually real.

Lady Luck chose this moment to reveal herself to me. A tall, full bodied woman in a long, sleek black dress. Her hair rolled down her head in waves of bright red curls, easily out shining to my own rusty locks. Around her neck were a string of pearls that glimmered in a non-existent sunlight. Her beauty seemed to light up the void around us.

Damn. My deity was sexy.

I immediately fell to my knees before her radiant glory. I had never been in the presence of a god before but their visage was overwhelming. Have you ever been in the room with someone particularly charismatic? You know how everyone’s eyes are always drawn to them, ears hang on their every syllable, feet shuffle in an attempt to get closer to them. They have a sort of burning intensity to their personalities that lures the unwary in like moths to a flame.

Being in the presence of Lady Luck was a bit like that. Only a hundred times worse. Usually I would be able to ignore these charming personalities, it was part of my job to be the most charming person in the room after all, but before her magnificence I felt like every one of my character flaws was exposed. The mask was ripped off and I was exposed as the dull, boring person I actually was.

The Lady seemed to notice the effect she was having on me and reigned in her rampant majesty. I felt the pressure ease off of myself and was able to struggle to my feet, gasping for breath. I had never felt anything like that, I was usually a very independent person. She smiled warmly down at me and I felt my stupid gullible heart glow with pride at being noticed by her.

“Ace. My lucky champion. How I have loved to watch your pursuits, but the time has come to move on, and you are destined for greater things. I know your darkest secret, Ace, I know what you did in between shows”

My breathing sped up enormously in fear and I clutched at my chest as if my heart was about to burst in shame. She knew? No! No! I had tried so hard to hide it. Hide my secret shame from the world. Magicians are expected to be a bit weird but in a kooky way, not in that way. I couldn’t let anyone know, ever!

“You watch My Little Pony. You are a Brony”

It’s true! It’s all true! I had been a closet Brony for at least a year now, ever since discovering the show whilst trawling the internet for new tricks to incorporate into my show. Initially I had been turned off but it had grown on me. It wasn’t long till I discovered the Brony community and had been hooked ever since. It wasn’t even about the show itself anymore, the community was massive. A million fan fictions, interesting music and beautiful pictures had been spawned from that show. The show was still a big part of it but personally I was more interested in what the Bronies could do.

“I am offering you the chance of a lifetime. The chance to go to Equestria and meet ponies, but I warn you, it is not like the world you see in the show. The land is in turmoil as forces of epic proportions collide. Other gods are also sending their champions under the rules of the game. They are calling it the Chess Game of the Gods. However, I have always been more of a card player myself, which is where you come in. There are many unfortunates out there who need a little luck and I want you to bring it to them. You shall be my Wild Card and fortune shall smile upon you. What do you say?”

I took a moment to absorb this proposition but once it had sunk in my head could not move fast enough as it bobbed up and down eagerly in consent to this. I would have shouted my affirmation as well but words had failed me before this stunning goddess and her wonderful proposition.

“Very well then, prepare yourself”

She waved her hand once at me and I felt whatever was acting as a floor in this realm collapse beneath me, and I was falling down into the blackness.

When I next awoke it was in a far more vibrant setting. The void I had been trapped in was replaced by verdant trees, sun sparkling through their branches. I could hear the tweeting of forest creatures around me in this peaceful place. I felt like no place on Earth could be this beautiful, it had to be true. I was in Equestria.

My body felt weird however, particularly my legs. The joints felt weak and aching. I attempted to wiggle my toes only to find I had no sensation down there.

Have I been paralysed?

I was in a panic now, horrified at the prospect of being crippled. I pushed myself up as quickly as possible, ignoring the blood that rushed to my head, and looked down upon what had used to be my legs.

But they weren’t my legs anymore. At least, they weren’t the ones I recognized as my legs. The legs that I had had for the past 25 years of my life. That had carried me from town to town to perform my act.

No, those old, familiar legs seemed to have been replaced by a pair of goat legs. I could only stare at them in horrified curiosity, some parts of brain apparently shutting down in shock at the sight of the furry appendages.

The hair on the legs was the same rust red as my own hair, and the cloven hooves at the end looked solid and real. The legs melded smoothly into my torso just above the waist. For a horrified moment I wondered if I still had genitals.

After a bit of exploration that I shan’t go into detail over I found out that I still do. They are just hidden beneath my fur coat like most animals have. Unless I am aroused, no one's going to see anything that would invalidate a PG rating.

Note to self: avoid strippers

Second not to self: does Equestria even have strippers? They don’t normally wear clothes.

I also noticed that I was naked from the waist up except for a fine looking belt that looped my waist. Attached to the belt were a variety of pouches and bags, inside which I found the tools of my trade. Various lockpicks, colourful powders, a deck of cards, multi-coloured handkerchiefs. Anything the magician on the go might need. I also made the wonderful discovery that my deity had granted me my greatest treasure. An old well-chewed pipe. I had taken up pipe smoking a few years ago as a way to relieve the stress of street performance. Why not regular cigarettes? I hear you cry. Well, I decided that if I was going to give myself cancerous blacklung then I was going to look damn good doing it. Also, I figured that if I lived long enough for my hair to turn white then I would make a bloody good Gandalf impersonator.

My ears felt a bit odd too, as if there was some kind of weight above them. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to know what was there but my hands had made up my mind before I could stop them. Grasping either side of my head I noticed that there were new additions, what felt like curled goat's horns poking out just above my ears. The horns curled back slightly so that they essentially surrounded my ears in protective bone. A long, thin tail swung out behind me, appearing to have a mind of its own.

My god...I mean Goddess. I'm a Satyr.

After this brief stint of self exploration I dragged myself over to a tree and used it to clamber to my hooves. It was surprisingly easy to balance on them, I just had to remain flat footed all the time, no leaning forward too far. Walking was an entirely different matter. My experience as a human had got me used to the variable balance of feet, being able to push of the ball of one foot and land with the heel of the other. A sort of controlled falling. As a…satyr? I guess I was a satyr now. Anyway, as a satyr I had to be far more careful with my balance and ensure that my front hoof was stabilised before moving the majority of my weight onto it and moving my back foot. It was a while of practice in that forest before I could walk at even a reasonable pace.

Don’t get me started on running.

Satisfied with my efforts so far, I decided to set off and begin my quest. Bring luck to those without it. Simple enough really. Before I began though I uttered to myself words of great power. Words that had been handed down to adventurers beginning epic quests since the days of old. An old earth saying. A phrase of great power and wisdom and consolation to the soul in times of need.

“Allons-y”

Summer Storm’s heart felt like it was about to burst as she galloped across the plain. Great wheezing breaths racked her body as she desperately tried to draw in oxygen to fuel her escape. Her ears twitched atop her head as they picked up the howls of the pursuing dogs. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep this up but it wouldn’t be long now. They would catch her and drag her back to that damn hole until she was worked to death, but she wouldn’t go down without a fight. The anti-magic lock upon her horn may have prevented her magic from zapping the dogs to bits but she still had her hooves, strong from working in the mines, and her mind, sharpened by her training as part of the Equestrian National Guard. If they were going to try and grab her they better be prepared to lose a paw or two.

She was approaching the edge of the plains that led into the Weaver Woods. Beyond those dense trees was the town of White Tail. If she could make it there she would be able to rally the guard, maybe get some reinforcements from Maneaoplis in the south, and hunt down these damn slaver dogs. Now that she knew where their cave was it would be a simple matter to wipe them out. Just a little bit further. Just a bit more.

She threw a glance over her shoulder and was shocked by just how close the dogs had managed to get. Bounding forward on all fours they had crossed the plain in mere minutes and were almost upon her. In desperation she leapt forward towards the woods, hoping that the forest would be able to provide some protection from the swift dogs. She was sure that she had aimed herself perfectly to fit in between two of the trees and thus was quite surprised when she collided with an object. But rather than slide off of it in pain like she would expect if she impacted a tree the object gave way beneath her, comforting her fall and enveloping her. She opened her eyes to find herself face to face with a creature the likes of which she had never seen. From her position on top of its chest she could see that its face appeared to be furless apart from the red mane atop its head. Its expression was frozen in shock and what appeared to be pain.

“erm…Hello.” Summer managed to stammer

The creature just wheezed something in response. Its voice seemed to be trapped inside it’s throat.

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that, what did you say?”

“You're crushing my chest.” the beast managed to whisper to her.

Summer reared back in shock, accidentally placing even more of her weight on the creature’s chest, who released a pained moan in response.

“Are you calling me fat?!” Maybe now was not the time for this but Summer was quite proud of her body. She had been slim even before she had ended up working in the mine. In her opinion she was quite an athletic mare. Her blue coat accentuated this slim physique and her flank, bearing her cutie mark of a sun peeking out from behind a storm cloud, had been the envy of all the mares in the mine. How dare this random beast call her fat!

“No, your hooves, are sharp.” the creature managed to say, a testament to its determination to insult her as her hooves, which were perfectly normal and not at all sharp thank you very much, were currently placed over each of its lungs, preventing them from reaching optimal working conditions.

Summer was about to send back a biting retort when the danger of their situation was brought sharply back into focus by the arrival of a dozen panting figures.

“Well, Well, just look at the two lovebirds,” the leader growled “take them both!”

Oh yeah, the Diamond Dogs. Kind of forgot about them.

Fortune Favours the Brave

Okay, circumstacnes have forced me to update this earlier than I planned. I will be going away for a week on an archaeological dig so sadly there will be no Wednesday update. I should return next Saturday with a brand new chapter.

Once again, thank you to PieisGood4U for editing.

And now an archaeology joke. What is the difference between archaeology and grave robbing?

About a thousand years

If you didn't enjoy that joke then I sure hope you enjoy the chapter instead.

The guard dogs had been swift in their removal of me from the Hole, efficiently grabbing me and taking me out of the cage before any of the prisoners could get any ideas about escaping. After a couple of minutes of being dragged along by two burly dogs, my hooves dragging against the floor causing a painful scraping sound which made the dog’s ears flick in annoyance, I was thrown into a circle of sand.

After pulling myself up, and spitting out some grains that got into my mouth, I turned to observe this fresh new cavern I found myself in. This one was shaped far differently to the other two I had viewed so far. Rather than the cavernous expanses of the throne room and the Hole, this chamber was done in the style of a coliseum. Around the pit that I found myself in there was a ring of seating carved out of the rock. There was also a throne in the prime seating position, slightly smaller than the great seat in the throne room. I guess this was Redtooth’s equivalent of a home away from home.

A gong rang out from somewhere I couldn’t see, followed by the sound of scuffling feet. Diamond Dogs began to take their seats around the arena, some of them slavering at the thought of the fresh violence to come. Even Redtooth had shown up to watch me get my ass handed to me, so that was nice. That’s what I like to see from my insane slave masters, good manners. They are so rare nowadays.

Across the ring from me there was a large iron portcullis gate which, at the height of a drum roll that one of the dogs had started, began to slowly rise to reveal a forbidding darkness. I had to admit, for sheer intimidation factor I would have given the dogs a high ten…that is, if I weren’t so concerned about the imminent goring I was about to receive.

There was a snuffling from the darkness. A beastly snort followed by the pawing of hooves upon soft sand. I felt the ground tremble underneath me and noticed with horrified curiosity as grains of sand began to leap into the air at the approaching steps of the champion. As he emerged from the darkness all I could think was that I wished he would go back in. The huge minotaur had to duck underneath the opening just to get inside the sand ring, his horns scraping the top of the arch. Maybe, Redtooth wasn’t as crazy as he seemed, I mean, there must still be some rationality in that addled brain if he had the sense to be scared of this beast.

The beast in question was around nine foot tall, the shadow he cast from the light of guttering torches enveloped my meagre 5’6” frame. His steel blue coat was shaggy and uncut whilst his horns were sharp and red at the tip. In between his horns was a mane that may have once been styled into a Mohawk style but had long since overgrown due to a lack of proper grooming. Around his neck there was a strip of black cloth which, if I had to take a guess, looked a bit like the tattered remains of a tie.

Hey, I think I know this guy.

“Iron Will?”

In response Iron Will, if this giant rage monster really was him, just lowered his head and charged at me, horns glinting in the light. I let out a startled yelp and threw myself to the side as he charged past me, barely avoiding his massive bulk. I’m going to have to be really careful, one hit like that would pulverise me.

Iron had managed to halt his charge and turn around, bloodshot eyes hunting furiously for his prey. I caught a glimpse of those eyes as they locked onto me and saw nothing but rage, terrible all-consuming rage. My contemplation of what had caused the Iron Will I had seen in the show to become like this was cut short as I was forced to throw myself to the side once more. One of Iron Will’s swinging arms managed to catch my right leg as I dived and I felt a sharp pain travel from my ankle and up my thigh. As I picked myself up from my combat roll I assessed the damage of the wild strike. My right ankle didn’t look quite right and a quick test found out that I couldn’t put much weight on it. Twisted ankle, that’s really not good.

Iron Will was charging again, noticing that his prey was weakened. I couldn’t dodge it, not with this leg, and I couldn’t exactly hobble out of the way. I did the one thing that I could do, the only thing that came to mind. Working on some instinct that told humans what to do if in the way of a stampede, I threw myself to the ground, curling up into the fetal position, legs tucked up to protect my chest and arms covering my head. To any observers it may have looked like I had just tucked my head between my legs and kissed my ass goodbye. Certainly felt like I had.

The thundering hooves charged closer, each blow reverberating through the earth to vibrate my prone body. I waited and waited, expecting my head to be crushed by a giant hoof, or my spine to snap under the weight of a huge minotaur. But nothing came.

Cautiously I looked up, removing my head from the protective cage of my arms. Iron Will had passed directly over me, his large stride bypassing my slim frame. He now stood behind me, his head swinging around as he hunted for his opponent. Why hadn’t he seen me?

It took me a moment to realise the situation. His enormous muzzle was preventing him from looking directly down. If he had been in his right mind then this would have been no problem, he could have simply lowered his head until I entered his vision, but to the enraged minotaur towering above me the lowering of his head was an act of submission the primal parts of his brain refused to accept. Due to this animal stubbornness from the rage centres of his brain, I was bestially invisible so long as I stayed low enough.

In a hurry I scurried away from him, still staying low and terrified that he might accidentally crush me in his hunt for prey. Still lying on the ground I managed to reach the other side of the arena and put my back to the stone wall. How was I supposed to get out of this? How did I even get into this? What had happened to my lucky streak? Since coming to Equestria not a single thing had gone my way. How was I supposed to get my luck on my side again?

A single phrase came to mind. A phrase I had not considered much in the past but appeared to have a whole new meaning after my recent run-in with divinity.

Fortune favours the brave.

Fortune. Otherwise known as luck. All right then, I think I know what I have to do know.

Time to get lucky.

I rose to my hooves, straightening my back and puffing my chest out in a clear sign of challenge to any predators.

“Hey! Over here, you big overgrown cow!”

Iron Will’s head immediately snapped round towards me, his red eyes locking onto me. I felt a chill of fear go through me at the animal rage in those orbs, but held firm to the plan.

“Yeah, come on! Come get some! Look at this fine rump! Bet you’d like a piece of me with a side of gravy! Come on then!”

As I shouted this taunt I flipped round to show him my rear, slapping it a couple of times to really get the point across. Throwing a glance over my shoulder I saw Iron Will scrape the ground a couple of times with his hoof, before lowering his head and charging.

Goddess, don’t fail me now.

As Iron Will began his charge I prepared myself for what I was about to do, tensing up my legs in preparation. That thunderous gait approached me like the rolling thunder of an oncoming storm yet still I waited, my back turned to the roaring beast Iron Will had become.

Now!

I leapt up into the air, tensed legs throwing me as high as they could and, at the peak of my rapid ascent, kicked out again in the strongest buck I could manage. Not against Iron Will, for I doubted one singular strike could bring him down, but instead at the wall I was facing. The force of the blow sent me flying backwards, another agonising bolt going through my twisted ankle. I was sent soaring backwards over the charge of Iron Will, who barely had time to realise what had happened before he slammed into the wall horns first.

And stuck there.

Terrible roars came from him as he realised that his prey had escaped him once again, not only escaped but had also managed to trick him. He placed his titanic arms against the wall and heaved his head back, but to no avail, the horns appeared to be stuck fast in the stone. I had to act quickly, not sure how long that would hold him for. I approached him warily, careful for any kicks from those mighty legs, but Iron Will seemed absorbed in trying to free himself. Quickly, I leapt upon his back, hands gripping his shaggy fur as my hooves scrabbled for purchase. I climbed up until I was stood on top of his head. He attempted to flail at me but his own overgrown shoulder muscles prevented the proper movement of his arms. I grinned down at him. I couldn’t help but enjoy my triumph over this colossal creature, even if it wasn’t the proper Iron Will. Whatever had happened to him, whatever these dogs had done to the assertive seminar teacher from the show, was clearly affecting his mind. Hopefully what I was about to do would help him snap out of it. That didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy it a bit.

“Allow me to show you the dance of my people”

With that declaration I began to dance. Starting of as a quick jig, barely more than a light tapping really, but progressing to a greater intensity as the music in my head began to grow swifter and swifter. The beat of the drums echoed in the beat of my hooves against Iron Will’s cranium. Moans of pain came from underneath me, yet I persisted, hoping that my less than tender administrations would be able to help the enraged beast. I began to whistle as I went about my brutal work, following the tune of the song in my head. As my hooves continued to slam down on Iron Will’s head they synched up nicely with my jaunty whistling and I felt the muscles beneath me begin to sag. It must be true what they say, music really does sooth the raging beast. Feeling the conclusion of the song coming up I leapt into the air once more, ignoring the inferno of pain that ran through my right leg, with a roar rivalling those that had been unleashed by Iron Will throughout our confrontation I slammed my hooves down hard into his skull. He slumped underneath me, finally giving up his struggles and collapsing into blissful unconsciousness.

I think I might be joining him in sweet rest soon, the blaze of pain in my leg had gone past any inferno. It now felt as if someone had replaced my bone with a river of magma. I guess I had overexerted the twist and it had evolved into a break. Damn, I’m not going to be moving too fast for a while.

I had just enough energy to stumble off of Iron Will’s back and limp over to where Redtooth was looking down at his defeated champion in shock, his huge canine jaw hanging open and his eyes, which had seemed so beady and small, were now opened wide to the point where it looked like they were about to escape his face and make a bid for freedom.

I felt a cocky smile pull at my jaw as I raised my hand and flipped the huge dog a middle finger salute, just before I passed out from the pain.

I didn't really want to end a chapter with the protagonist falling unconscious as it has been done so many times before. Especially in HiE fics. Seriously, those guys are either the flightiest bunch of pansies in the world or have chronic narcolepsy.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter as it was essentially one big fight scene. Now try and go through and find out how many times I used a synonym for 'big' in this. Honestly I had to break out a Sweetie Belle...I mean a dictionary just so I didn't feel like I was repeating myself.

Barrel-of-fun

Steel Mane and Stripes: Mystery Detectives

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
BlazinBlade7
dialgex
fireshadow11

After leaving the office of a rather bewildered Steel Mane I quickly took to the alleyways of White Tail. Alleyways always appear in cities, though I have yet to discern the reason for them being there other than as meeting places for gangs of shadowy thugs.

Got to hand it to Steel Mane though, White Tail’s alleyway system was surprisingly crime free. Well, if you don’t count my presence there that is.

I moved quickly through town, flitting from shadow to shadow and avoiding any large groups of ponies. I didn’t know who Velvet had managed to turn against me so my best bet was trusting nobody at the moment.

Except the Captain of the Guard of course, but only a madman would do that.

Speaking of Steel Mane, I had promised him a distraction and a distraction he shall have. Like many females before her, Velvet wouldn’t be able to take her eyes off of me.

Hopefully.

Now I would just need someplace noticeable, preferably high up, from which I would be able to grab everybody’s attention. Someplace that everypony knew the location off and could easily congregate to, with plenty of space out front for a crowd.

My eyes began to scan the various buildings for the perfect spot yet they all fell short, they were all either too small or lacked adequate space for a crowd. Many of the roofs, angled to allow rain to run off as they were, were completely unsuitable for standing upon.

Disappointed I turned around, about to look elsewhere to find my stage, when I noticed the building whose shadow I had been standing in this entire time. It was a large, three-story, manor-style deal, with large columns and a balcony on the third floor. A sign out front declared it to be the offices of the town council.

“How the hell did I miss that?” I muttered to myself as I set off to find a way in.

Meanwhile, in Steel Mane’s office, the Captain was locked in a heated argument with one of the most stubborn creatures he had ever run across.

“Look, you’re not coming with me. It could be dangerous.” Steel declared as he secured his sword to his side.

“You think I lived this long by being reckless? You’ll need me and you know it.” The striped stallion retorted, making his own preparations by strapping a bandolier of vials across his chest.

“You are a civilian and a fairly aged one at that. You’re staying here and that’s final.”

“You calling me old boyo? ‘Cus I’m not too old to smack a disrespectful youngster around. I’m sick of you lot treating me as if I’m made of glass. This zebra is made of sterner stuff than you’d think, I can handle myself.”

Steel Mane let out a sigh, there was no arguing with Zende. He was a stubborn old mule and, despite his irritation at the stallion Steel couldn’t help but smile slightly at the zebra’s behaviour. Zende reminded him a lot of his father, Celestia rest his soul.

“Fine you can come, but if something happens you get behind me and stay out of the way.”

“You ain’t gonna hear any arguments from me there. It’s only the young and the stupid who try to block swords with their skulls. The trick to surviving is learning how to dodge.”

Steel Mane nodded his head to concede this point, too many times had he seen young guards prance about believing themselves to be invincible. You either beat it out of them in training or they learnt in themselves in a far more violent way. White Tail was far out on the border and thus lacked the protection that the presence of the Princesses gave to the towns closer to the heart of Equestria.

Steel Mane and Zende quickly left the building, the Captain’s stern glance preventing any of his subordinates from questioning his destination. Say what you like about the combat abilities of the Equestrian Guard but their discipline was second to none.

The unlikely duo quickly made their way through the town, noting how conspicuously empty the streets where. Whatever that annoying fool had decided to do must have worked, not a single mare, stallion or foal impeded their progress to Swirling Runes’ house. It was actually rather unnerving for Steel Mane, who was used to his town being buzzing and full of life.

Zende seemed to adapt to the ghost town far easier, even going so far as to whistle a happy little tune as he trotted along. Whatever tension Steel felt that he was under seemed to have absolutely no effect on Zende, the old zebra acting as if this was just a stroll through the park.

The complete lack of traffic meant that they managed to reach Swirling Runes’ house surprisingly swiftly, the entire trip taking them barely three minutes. As they approached the front door they noticed some oddities about the place.

Mainly the complete lack of a front door.

Steel quickly discovered that this wasn’t entirely true. There was a front door it was just no longer attached to the building, instead it was lying on the street a good few feet away from its rightful place.

Clearly Ace was to blame for this.

The interior of the house didn’t look much better off. Holes the size of a pony’s head had been blasted in some of the walls, not even the ceiling had managed to escape this assault. The curtains and much of the furniture showed signs of severe fire damage which might have threatened to burn down the entire house and, Steel realised, possibly endanger Swirling Runes. Zende trotted sedately over to a burn mark and sniffed at it curiously. He then, to Steel Mane’s slight disgust, licked the black ash, swirling it around in his mouth as if it were the finest of wines before spitting it out.

“Magical fire.” The zebra stated. “Fast burning but short lived. We’re lucky it didn’t reach anything explosive or we wouldn’t have much to search, just a jar full of ash really.”

“Runes is in here somewhere and you’re saying that she could have been blown up. You really know how to comfort a guy don’t you?”

At hearing this statement Zende stopped his searching and cast a curious look Steel’s way.

“What is she to you?” He questioned.

“What are you talking about?”

“How do you consider her? Is she just a citizen under your protection or is there more to it? Is she a friend? A lover?”

Steel Mane stopped and whirled on Zende, staring down the old zebra who didn’t even flinch under his gaze. A gaze that had caused many new recruits to shake in their armour.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

“Fine, don’t talk about it. Your choice after all.”

Steel Mane was suspicious of this, so far Zende hadn’t backed down from a single argument. However he tried to put the zebra’s words out of his mind and continued his search, looking for any trap doors in the floor. The two worked in silence which slowly extended, becoming more and more awkward. Finally the pressure became too much for Steel Mane.

“Fine! I like her okay! I think she’s a really nice mare! Now will you stop with all the pressuring?!” He blurted out.

Zende looked slightly surprised by this outburst before his face relaxed into a rather smug smirk of triumph.

“I didn’t say anything, that was all you. So what do you think's going to happen here? You rescue the girl and she immediately falls for you?”

“…Maybe.”

“You best hope she doesn’t immediately swoon at your hooves. Celestia knows that has happened to me in the past but all those relationships were shallow. Real relationships take a lot of hard work and communication, they can’t just be based off of one heroic act.”

“So what do you think I should do?” Steel inquired, honestly curious for the wise zebra's advice.

“Ask her out. Get to know her and understand her, then you might have a chance in a relationship. You ever talked to this mare before?”

“Well…not really…”

“You ever tried to?”

“A couple of times but…I just end up freezing up and going into ‘Guard Captain’ mode. I don’t think she even sees me as anything more than my job.”

“Then give her a chance to! Let her see you outside of your official duty and let her know the real you whilst you get to know the real her.”

“Yeah…yeah! I will! Thanks Zende. You’re alright you know that?”

“Of course I know that! Now let’s find your dream mare.” With newfound purpose the search began in earnest and it wasn’t long until Zende uncovered the door behind the bookcase.

Steel Mane joined him and inspected the door. It was sturdy, far sturdier than the front door had once been, and the lock on it looked like it belonged in a bank vault. The hinges were another matter entirely.

“Stand back old man, I’ll show you how the Guard handles a problem.”

“By bashing your head on it repeatedly until you have serious brain damage?” Regardless of his quip the old zebra moved out of the way, allowing Steel Mane full access to the door.

The Captain approached the door and gently ran one hoof over the hinges, assessing their quality and making some quick calculations in his head.

“You gonna do something or are you just gonna give it a massage?”

Steel gave Zende a sharp glance before grinning. He then spun around and, with just the right amount of force, slammed both hooves into the door’s lower hinge. The hinge, being the weakest part of the door, was unable to handle the strain and buckled under the kick, breaking into two parts and leaving the door hanging lopsided off of only its top hinge.

Zende’s jaw dropped as the Captain smugly assessed his handiwork and examined the final latch. He then turned and took a few steps away from his next target before spinning round to face the door again. After pawing at the wooden floorboards once he charged forward, leaping up at the last moment and spinning in the air to strike the final hinge with a flying buck. Like its lower counterpart it too shattered under Steel’s strike and allowed the door to fall backwards.

“What do you think old stallion? Pretty impressive right?”

“Not bad, not bad at all.” The zebra said, although he said it rather begrudgingly.

They both headed down the stairway that had been concealed behind the door, Steel Mane going first with his sword drawn as they descended into the darkness. The shadows surrounded them, consuming any light that dared to enter their domain.

“I can’t see a damn thing, we need to get a torch or something.” Steel declared.

“You youngsters, always rushing into situations unprepared.” Zende replied, before reaching into his bandolier and withdrawing a vial of green liquid. Holding the glass tube in between his teeth he shook his head back and forth, the liquid inside reacting to the violent movements and beginning to light up. Pretty soon a pale green light illuminated the darkness, pouring out from the vial held tightly in Zende’s mouth.

Steel had thought that the hidden door would lead to Runes’ basement, or perhaps a wine cellar. However, his expectations were proven wrong when the green light reflected off of roughly hewn walls of stone and illuminated the uneven dimensions of the cave they found themselves in. The cavern wasn’t a large one, barely the size of the house, yet it exuded an foreboding air that chilled both stallions straight to their bones. The walls of the cave appeared to be coated in some kind of thin green slime which extended down and on to the floor, squelching beneath their hooves. Steel Mane looked down at the sludge in disgust before raising one hoof up and sniffing it. His nose crinkled up and he reared back, looking like he was about to vomit.

“This place is sickening!” He exclaimed loudly, drawing an irate glare from his companion for the volume of his shout.

“Do you want to alert the Changeling or something?” The old zebra grumbled before beginning to search the cave.

The search ended up being both repulsive and fruitless. The only thing that the cave seemed to contain was the revolting ooze, no sign of any mare in distress. The lack of results were clearly wearing on Steel Mane’s nerves, causing him to rear up and prepare to shout in frustration. As soon as he looked up however, he noticed something strange about the ceiling.

“Hey, Zende…what’s that?”

“Looks a bit like one of those weird Changeling thingys…what’s the name of it again?”

“A chrysalis?” Steel guessed.

“Thought that was their queen?”

“It is, it’s also the name of the weird gel pods they put ponies in.”

“Huh, wonder which came first. Is she named after the cocoon or is the cocoon named after her…”

“I feel it’s best we wonder about the horrifying implications of that later and instead focus on GETTING RUNES OUT OF THERE!”

“Keep your voice down you young idiot! I got this.”

Placing the light-emitting vial carefully on the ground, Zende proceeded to grab another vial from his bandolier. This one was a dark yellow in colour and sloshed about happily inside its vial. Holding the glass container in his mouth he craned his neck back as far as it could go, taking careful aim whilst he did so. Once he was sure he had calculated the trajectory correctly he swung his head forward, releasing his hold on the vial as he did so.

The vial sailed through the air, almost majestically as it travelled along its arc. Its graceful flight was cut short as it smashed into the chrysalis, shattering upon impact. For a moment nothing seemed to happen, the yellow liquid simply sinking into the organic structure. As soon as all the yellow fluid had been absorbed, however, steam began to rise from the pod and an acrid stench filled the air. Slowly, the acid burned away the cocoon, evaporating it in mere seconds, revealing its contents. The form of Swirling Runes dangled from the ceiling, the last of her prison desperately trying to hold on to her even as it was burnt away.

“She’s going to fall!” Steel Mane cried in alarm.

“Then catch her you fool.” Zende replied, managing to remain completely calm despite the circumstances.

Even as he spoke these words the last few strands of the chrysalis were burnt away, allowing Runes to fall headfirst towards the stone floor. Steel, with the reaction time gained from extensive guard training and a resolve born from something far more powerful, leapt forwards, catching Runes in his forelegs. Cradling her like a babe, he twisted around in the air so that he would take the brunt of the fall, his armoured back slamming into the floor and driving the wind out of him.

Zende quickly hurried over and assisted the bruised Captain back to his hooves before checking Runes over for any damage.

“She seems fine, if a bit malnourished. We need to get her out of here though.”

Steel firmly agreed with this and quickly manoeuvred the unconscious unicorn onto his back before heading to the exit of the cave. As they reached the surface and left the dilapidated house, an unusual sound reached their ears. A sound that Steel had hoped never to hear in his town.

The screams of terrified ponies.

Okay, I'm perfectly willing to admit that somewhere along the line things stopped going to plan.

Ponies below me screamed in terror as I hung off the edge of the three story building, the changeling above me smirking in delight at my predicament. Velvet slowly raised a holed hoof above one of my hands, which were desperately clinging to the edge of the stone roof. Bringing it slowly down she began to grind my knuckles painfully, the shock shooting up my arm and causing me to let go.

Now I was hanging on with only one hand, a slight breeze causing me to sway dangerously. The malicious changeling raised another hoof, allowing it to hover over my only remaining lifeline. Knowing that she held my life in her hoof she looked down at me, allowing a cruel grin to cross her muzzle.

Before she had a chance to gain the satisfaction of slamming her hoof down onto my hand, I let go of the building, releasing myself into freefall.

I have got to stop doing stupid shit, it’s going to be the death of me.

Yeah, so I decided to do something a little different this chapter. Leaving my main protagonist's head to have a wander about and see what the side characters were up to. Did you enjoy it? Do you think it added to the story?

I will take any advice/criticisms. Part of why I am doing this, other than liking the story, is to improve my skills as a writer. So don't be afraid to rip me a new one if you think it will help.

Thanks for reading,
Barrel-of-fun

Bar Room Blitz

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
Blazinblade7
fireshadow11

The ‘All Bar One’ was certainly a unique pub. Take the name for example. I had asked the pony, a grizzled looking earth pony, behind the bar what it meant. He had replied that it was a reference to an ancient zebrican proverb. ‘May all your dreams come true. All bar one.’ This name gave the inn a certain amount of dignity, as if it were some kind of philosophical place of great and deep thoughts.

Now the patrons, on the other hand, were quite a different matter. They were a rowdy lot, singing bawdy songs about mares whilst they drank deeply into their cups. One song appeared to be about plot, though what storyline composition has to do with this I have no idea. Maybe they are just really big fans of a well written tale?

The pub itself was made of wood with a thatch roof, matching the architecture of its neighbours. The interior had quite a smokey, seedy feel to it, the kind of feel that lesser pubs envy and attempt to recreate. In fact, calling it a pub wasn’t really correct. This place was a tavern. An old-fashioned meeting place, ale-and-shadowy-corners tavern. It actually had some shadowy corners in which patrons in long cloaks were sat, brooding over their own thoughts. I was half tempted just to go up and talk to one, to see if he would try to send me on an epic quest.

If I wasn’t already preoccupied with my own quest I would probably go and do just that.

Summer and Iron might have their sources but I have my own ways of getting information. Drunks usually know a surprising amount about stuff. Bartenders do too but they aren’t into sharing as easily as a drunk will. My first course of action was to find the most knowledgeable, washed-up, down-on-his-luck drunk in this bar. I decided to do this by joining in the local pastime, drinking and fighting.

The first part was going really well. Wherever the informant was, he certainly wasn’t at the bottom of this pint. Or the other three pints I had already had.

He must be really stealthy.

Behind me I heard the telltale signs of another fight about to break out. There had already been a couple since I got here, one over the philosophical definition of beauty and another over the colour of Princess Celestia’s socks. These drunks really do have a varied repertoire of conversation. The fights usually break out slowly, just some raised voices. Then one philosopher will interrupt another, quite rudely, and his colleague will respond with a rebuttal in the form of a wooden chair to the face.

It pretty much just escalated from there.

I hadn’t really been paying much attention to this particular argument, being too absorbed in my hunt for information. Regardless it should be any second now...

‘Smash’

Oh, that sounded more like a table than a chair, and judging from the size on furniture used this might actually be a fight worth taking part in. I spun round on my chair at the bar, giggling slightly from the swift movement, and observed the packed room. One pegasus stallion had evidently made a remark that had offended another, a grubby looking unicorn stallion. The unicorn had responded with a poorly calculated insult about the pegasus’ heritage, in particular on his mother’s fidelity. The pegasus, his honour besmirched by this insult, had challenged the unicorn to a duel via the old tradition of a smack to the face.

Admittedly a table got your point across much better than a glove.

The unicorn’s companions charged forward to assist him, his attacker receiving several blows before his own allies could leap to his defence. The two groups were now facing off against each other, the air full of anger and testosterone. Would it be enough to start a fight though?

The pegasus pawed against the ground, the unicorn snorted in derision and the bartender hid all the expensive, fragile bottles from behind the bar. In a couple of moments it would all kick off, as soon as somepony made the first move.

I grinned in excitement, gulping down the rest of my ale. I was fairly certain I was drunk by this point, or at least I hope I am. Otherwise I will have wasted quite a few of the bits that Steel Mane gave us. The ale here was quite strong really, ponies must have quite a hardy constitution to not get shitfaced after a single drink. It was only my experience in several Irish pubs that meant I was still standing by this point.

Frowning, I noticed the fight still hadn’t started yet. The two groups were actually slowly backing down, each one unwilling to make the first move. Looks like I need to provide a little helping hand maybe?

“I took your mother to a nice restaurant, treated her nicely and then never saw her again!” I said in the unicorns voice, throwing my voice across the room.

I can get quite mischievous when I’m drunk.

The pegasus’ wings flared out and he puffed up his chest, making himself look as large as possible. The unicorn responded to this intimidation by lighting up his horn and lowering his head to point directly at his foe.

“Wings beat magic every time...” My voice coming from the pegasus, who looked confused for a moment before a blast of magical force sent him tumbling backwards.

He was quickly picked up by his allies and led the charge into the fray. I watched from the sidelines as the two groups began to brawl, a non-lethal brawl that you only get in certain pubs. I’ve seen it quite a few times and it really can get confusing sometimes. One moment two men might be fighting as if they were lifelong enemies. The next they will be drinking together and reminiscing over who threw the best punch. I believe the term for it is camaraderie.

Personally, I blame the Irish. Those charismatic bastards can even make friends with the guy they just punched in the jaw.

Wait a moment, why am I just sitting here when there is an awesome fight going on a couple of meters away?

I grinned and charged into the brawl, ready to fight off some of this drunken stupor I had acquired.

“My Princess, are you certain that this is a wise course of action?” a most unusual pegasus guard asked. His coat was a mute grey, highlighting his dark purple armour. Sprouting from his back were a pair of leathery bat wings which many ponies would find terrifying, though he wore them with pride. For they were a mark of his honourable position in the Lunar Guard, a reminder of his duty to protect Princess Luna.

Which is why he was so set against her current decision.

“Of course We am certain, noble Night Shade. A cosy tavern such as this one would be an excellent place to connect with the common pony. Once they know Us and We know them, how can they help but be our friends? Dearest Twilight Sparkle taught Us this on that most wonderful of nights, Nightmare Night.” The alicorn of the night replied, her voice filled with certainty.

Night Shade didn’t share his mistresses confidence. Whilst he agreed that she should get to know the populace better, rather than working in her precious Lunar Forge all day, he didn’t think this was the best way to go about it. The All Bar One had a reputation for being one of the more...’lively’ taprooms in Maneapolis. It was going to be up to him to protect his Princess from the plethora of dangers they would encounter there.

Night Shade looked over to his Princess, seeing the look of curiosity on her face he let out a sigh. Once Princess Luna got curious about something then there was no power on this earth that would stop her finding out about it. He still remembered the time one of the castle maids had mentioned the new music genre called dubstep near the Princess. Two straight weeks of partying later, and almost thirty restraining orders from various nightclub owners, the Princess felt that she was beginning to understand the music.

Night Shade prayed that she didn’t have the same obsession with fighting. He wasn’t sure that the country would be able to survive.

As they approached the tavern, his worries continued to pile up. Even from where they were standing, a good distance from the building, he could hear the sound of shouts and laughter and...

Singing?

Luna began to trot quicker and quicker, before breaking out into a full gallop as her burning curiosity drove her forwards. Night Shade struggled to keep up, eventually resorting to flying as fast as he could to try and reach his ruler. Luna slammed down the door to the tavern, Night Shade following her and getting a good look at the chaos that was transpiring inside.

To put it in its simplest form, it was a fight. Yet at the same time it was so much more than a fight. It was a cornucopia of brutality and martial skill. As a Lunar Guard, Night Shade had a certain fondness for combat. It isn’t just any pony who joins the guard after all. It takes a certain type of stallion or mare to risk their lives everyday, especially considering the pony instincts towards harmony. Night Shade wasn’t sure to be horrified or to weep with joy as he saw a pegasus stallion pull off a perfect Whirlwind Kick to an earth ponies jaw. He was split with indecision as he beheld the bartender stood upon his bar, kicking out at any fighters who dared to approach his defensive position.

He was pretty certain that he should be confused when he saw the strange, bipedal goat thing standing on a table, singing a lively song and kicking mugs at the fighters.

The goat creature had picked up a pint full of ale and was taking the occasional swig from it whilst dancing, a lot of the drink simply jumping out of the cup as he did his jig. The dancer seemed unconcerned by the loss of his beverage, simply drinking what he could catch in his mouth.

Night Shade was forced to stop observing the strange being as an earth pony, clearly too drunk to reason who he was running at, attempted to charge the Princesses' side. Night Shade casually spun and bucked the inebriated stallion, sending him flying backwards. Luna didn’t even appear to have noticed the attack, absorbed with trying to watch all the fights breaking out in the bar.

“Huzzah! Tis an keen altercation! Let us join in and prove our might!” Luna shouted over the noise of the brawl. The table dancing creature burst into another stanza, as if to agree with the night Princess.

Luna charged into the fight, the combination of her mass and momentum sending a few ponies, who were too preoccupied with their own battles to avoid the enthusiastic Princess, flying. A unicorn, recently finished with his own fight, turned to see the Princess. In his drunken anger he lowered his head and charged the royal, who observed the stallion charging her unprotected side with barely any concern. The moment the charging unicorn was within range Luna opened up her wings to their full span with a ‘snap!’, her strong right wing slamming into the stallion's head and sending him tumbling away, dazed.

Night Shade leapt into the air, beating his wings once to gain extra altitude, before letting his weight drop down onto his prey. Four grey, iron shod hooves slammed into the head of a large brown earth pony, who had so far held off all challengers with ease. Night Shades attack drove the huge stallion’s head into the floor, cracking the wooden boards and sending his victim into unconsciousness.

A pegasus attempted to interrupt the singer, flying directly at him with both hooves extended forwards. The creature noticed the forthright attack and chugged the last of his drink before hurling the mug at the flying pony’s head. The airborne vessel struck the pony above the left ear, sending him careening off to one side where he struck another fighter, who immediately began a fight with his new attacker. Shrugging, the biped returned to his song, grasping a new mug of ale from the table he was dancing upon.

Leaping from his impromptu stage, the creature joined the fight fully. Still singing and drinking, he struck out with whatever limb was closest to his attacker. His style could best be described as haphazard, yet effective. He seemed to stumble several times, barely avoiding blows seemingly entirely by accident. Random flailings of his arms always caught his attackers in their most sensitive areas, incapacitating them almost instantly. Night Shade could only conclude that this creature was some foreign martial artists, clearly a master of the deadly Drunken Hoof fighting style. Though he had never heard of the Drunken Hoof monks enjoying singing.

Luna battered down the defences of two more fighters, knocking them out of the way with two quick jabs of her forehooves. Judging by the grin stretching apart her muzzle, she was clearly enjoying herself. Night Shade vaguely recalled old military texts speaking about how Princess Luna had led troops back in the old days. She had apparently been a terrifying and brutal fighter, but merciful to those who managed to earn her respect. He noticed her eyes light up as she spotted something and, following where her gaze was pointing, he gulped in fear.

The creature continued to sing as it windmilled its arm around, the mug still clutched fiercely in its hand slamming into the heads of several ponies brave enough to approach him. They crumpled to the ground immediately, out of the fight, their comrades backing away from the biped. One particularly fearless stallion leapt at the singer, his bulk sailing through the air in a bodyslam. The singing biped seemed to stumble and fall onto his back as the pony flew overhead, the creatures legs flinging up comically to kick the stallion in the chest and assist him in his journey over his targets head. The surprised stallion grunted as the blow connected, before being sent to slam into three other ponies who felt like trying their luck against the strange being. He stumbled back to his feet to finish his song and face his next attacker.

Night Shade was shocked as he observed the next event. The creature swing around, its arms flailing outwards, and struck Princess Luna, who had been approaching him with a determined grin, with a backhand. The Princess froze, Night Shade froze, the fighting froze. Even the creature seemed to be staring at its arm in some confusion, as if wondering why it would commit such treachery without his orders. Luna slowly turned her head back to face the biped, before spitting out some blood onto the floor. He had struck her. He had struck a Princess.

Night Shade wasn’t sure whether he should arrest him or congratulate him. The Princesses were no pushovers when it came to combat.

The Princesses grim demeanor slowly melted away as a grin began to split apart her lips. The smile was slightly marred by the welt of her bruised lip, but it still had a brilliant honesty to it.

“You are the first in many years to successfully land a blow upon Us, truly you must be a great warrior!” She said at her usual volume, very loud. As she spoke she raised one hoof and gave the biped a light tap upon the chest.

To the surprise of everyone in the pub the creature, who had bested many proficient fighters that night, was sent flying backwards by this gentle touch. He slammed into a table, obliterating it into splinters, before falling to lie prone upon the ground, his eyes closed and unmoving.

“...We suppose We are unsure of our own strength. Brave Night Shade, please take this fascinating individual into protective custody till he awakens. We believe that an important colleague of ours may wish to speak to him.” The Lunar Stallion leapt forward to obey his mistresses command, heaving the unconscious biped onto his back.

“Mares and Gentlestallions, We thank you for keeping up the ancient tradition of the barroom brawl, and keeping it up enthusiastically at that! Truly your fighting matches that of our ancient Lunar Legions. We have not enjoyed an altercation such as this in quite some time, it feels very good indeed to ‘let loose’ as the foals say nowadays.” Her speech completed, Princess Luna led the way out, followed by Night Shade and his unconscious load.

Leaving a tavern full of beaten and stunned stallions behind her.

So I decided to use another Flogging Molly song because honestly, if you ever get into a fight in a pub then you really want Irish music playing in the background. It's just so damn fitting.

The name of the pub is a reference to the amazing writer David Gemmell. If you haven't already read some of his works then I recommend that you check them out. They're like the dictionary definition of epic fantasy novels.

Barrel-of-fun

Bovian Rhapsody Part One - A Game of Chance

Edited by:
PieisGood4U
Blazinblade7
fireshadow11

Waking up in a jail cell is not a pleasant experience, being left there for hours on end was even less so.

I was getting pretty tired at being held at her Majesty's ‘leisure’. I wondered what exactly was going to happen to me. I couldn’t help but call to mind how some clopfics started in a similar situation to this.

Princess Luna enters and says softly “Oh, thou art such a dashing creature, and so daring and handsome. Swiftly, thou must have thy way with me!”

I could remember various bits and pieces about earlier. I remember drinking quite a lot and I think I started a fight or something. I vaguely recall singing and for me that usually ends in violence. Was Princess Luna there or did my drunken mind make that up? Then I remember nothing for a while, but I do distinctly remember hitting something, and the feeling of overwhelming shame for doing so. Did I hit Princess Luna?

I was vaguely aware that I may have committed some kind of social faux pas.

How much did I drink? I've had some pretty bad hangovers before but none so bad that the pain travelled from my head to my chest, it almost feels like I was punched in the ribs. That must have been some really strong booze.

Moving on from my past mistakes, this is a very secure cell they have me in. They really spared no expense on my containment. The lock on the door was a solid thing and, after a quick attempt at picking the lock, proved to be magically enchanted to reset the lock periodically. I could probably pick it, but it would take a while and the guard patrols would definitely notice me fiddling with it. The bars on the window were solid in their mounting, no chance of removing those, even if I did then the seventy foot drop would probably be a challenge.

This would be so much easier if they hadn’t confiscated all my stuff. I had some really nice tools in there that would be a great help right now.

My inspection of my holding cell was cut short as I heard the door unlocked and pushed slowly open. I turned to see who my visitor was, expecting some stern guard captain or maybe even the Princess herself. What I got was... different.

Blocking the open entrance to my cell was a Jersey cow, her red and black mottling mostly covered by a conservative black business suit. Reassuring the guard that she would be fine she stepped forward, the door slamming shut behind her with a booming finality.

“Well, I was expecting Princess Luna wearing something slinky but I suppose I can work with this. How can I help you?”

She stepped forward, placing a briefcase-like saddlebag that she had been carrying onto the table in the centre of the room, before sitting down and adjusting her suit. After this she fixed me with a careful stare and answered me.

“The question is how I can help you, Mister...Ace is it? You appear to have gotten yourself into a spot of bother with the authorities. I have a certain amount of influence available to me, should I choose to exercise such sway with the locals.”

“Judging by that wide flank I’d say you have a lot of sway about you. You appear to have me at a bit of a disadvantage. You know my name but I am ignorant of yours.” Strange, usually when I insulted people they showed some anger. A small twitch of a facial muscle. A brief glint in the eye. No one takes an insult well, some people just suppress their anger quicker than others. But with the cow in front of me I got nothing. She has one hell of a poker face. Instead she just ignored my quip and plowed on with the conversation.

“You may call me Missy. I have been informed that you arrived with some travelling companions, a minotaur called Iron Will and one Summer Storm, correct?”

“Yeah... I swear if you’ve done anything to them...”

“Relax, Mister Ace, they’re quite fine. I wish I could say the same about the guard captain they have been demanding your release from.” I felt strangely cheered at this, even going so far as to let a small grin slip onto my face. Not only were my friends trying to get me out but they were also making one of my captor’s days a living hell. I really couldn’t ask for better friends.

“Now, then,” she pulled some papers from her bag, “I have some reports stating that you were involved in an incident near the Northern Border. Sixty-four refugees from a Diamond Dog slave camp arrived in White Tail, along with yourself and your two friends. They all gave corroborating evidence that you were instrumental in their escape.”

Damn those ponies. I wanted to stay out of the limelight.

She shuffled her papers some more. “Upon arriving in White Tail you investigated the unusual behaviour of one Swirling Runes, discovering that she had been kidnapped and replaced by the Changeling General known as Velvet. You assisted in her capture as well as the liberation of the real Swirling Runes, correct?”

“Well I don’t like to brag. I mostly just got used as a punching bag by Velvet whilst everyone else ran around saving the day."

“It is clear from these reports that you have done Equestria at least a small service. What I would like to ask is this, would you like to do more?”

“Pardon?” A government recruitment? Well I can honestly say that was more unexpected than the sexy Luna thing. Usually governments want as little as possible to do with people like me. The majority of my interactions with government officials in the past went along the lines of ‘Stop criminal scum!’

“I represent a new initiative in the government. An initiative that looks to safeguard Equestria’s future. We are examining ways to improve current Equestrian lifestyle as well as preventing any threats to it, both external and internal. I believe that you could greatly assist with this.”

“How exactly would I be assisting?” Naturally, I was wary. I don’t trust government agents, especially ones in suits who appear out of nowhere with a seemingly no strings attached deal. I swear if she was wearing full black sunglasses then I would be tearing the bars off the window with my bare hands in an attempt to escape.

“That depends on your precise skillset. The report says you not only managed to defeat an enraged minotaur, but also dealt with a mutated Diamond Dog Alpha. How did you manage this?”

“I just got lucky is all,” giving her my best cocky grin.

“Lucky enough to survive two encounters that would have killed almost anyone else? I doubt anyone is that lucky.”

“I am. You could say that the goddess Fortuna smiles upon me” Was that a flicker of recognition I saw in her eyes at one of Lady Lucks aliases? Her face, which had so far been set into an emotionless mask, allowed a small smile to grace its features.

“There are two rather different sorts of things which are commonly referred to as ‘luck’ or ‘chance’,” she said, sounding somewhat like a professor. “One is the truly basic unpredictability on the most basic level, where indeterminacy is a physical fact. The other is simply the more ordinary aspects of the universe, quite comprehensible, but which somepony is currently unaware of: the Hidden Variables.”

“...You’ve lost me, what exactly are you saying now?”

“Were I to flip a coin, the instant after it left my hoof, its course would be the fixed product of its momentum, gravity, and local air currents - and if you measured all those factors, you would be able to predict how the coin would land. But if you lacked knowledge of those details, if those Variables were Hidden from you - then you would be as unable to predict the coinflip as before it left my grasp. But your lack of knowledge about the coin’s course does not mean that the course itself is indeterminate. ‘Luck’, in this case, which covers almost all of ordinary life, simply refers to your own state of mind, not to anything in the actual, physical universe.”

“Okay...I think I got all that. So what do you intend to do about my claim of ‘Luck’?”

“How about we put it to the test?” She reached back into her saddlecase, her hoof returning with a box of cards attached to the other end. I never bothered to ask but how do they do that with hooves? Before I could ponder this, she had continued, “I propose a particular game of chance. The rules are quite simple.” She placed the cards down on the table in between us.

"We can use my deck, or one of yours, if you prefer. You can shuffle, or I can, or both - I want you to feel comfortable that I'm giving you every chance to put your presumed luck at play. There's an even chance that any given card is red or black. So, for three cards, there are eight possibilities, such as red-red-red, or black-black-black, and so on. The game - Penny’s Game, I think it's called - is fairly simple. Pick a sequence of three colors. Then I'll pick a sequence, and then we start flipping cards from the top of the deck. Whenever your sequence comes up, you get a trick, and hold onto those cards. When my sequence comes up, I get the trick. If you get more tricks than me, you win. Got it? So, what sequence would you prefer?"

“I think I’ll chose red-red-red.” God, this is the weirdest job interview I’ve ever been to. In fact, this is the first job interview I’ve ever been to, maybe they’re all like this.

“Very well. I’ll take black-red-red. Would you like to shuffle?” I compiled, it would probably be quite hard for her to shuffle with hooves. I gave them a special theatrical shuffle that I saved for my shows, the cards jumping between my hands and seemed to dance around. After a few seconds of this I placed the cards back in their place between us.

Missy nodded her head towards the cards, indicating that I should go first. I was happy to oblige and swiped the top three cards, laying them out on the table. Queen of Hearts, Ten of Diamonds, Three of Hearts.

“Point to me I believe. Believe me yet?”

“One test is not sufficient evidence; we shall continue.” She took the next three cards and received a point for getting Eight of Clubs followed by Four of Diamonds and a King of Hearts. “See?”

After running through the whole deck, a total of seven tricks were gotten - and Missy only picked up the one.

“Now that is interesting,” she murmured. “While the rules I described may have seemed to give us each an equal chance of winning, certain subtleties meant that, when we started playing, I had roughly a ninety-nine point five chance of getting at least as many tricks as you. A minor part of that was priming you to pick one of the triplet sequences - but the major part was that, by my choosing my sequence after yours, I had the opportunity to pick one that had the greatest chance of beating it. A ‘nontransitive game’, is the technical term. No matter what sequence you chose, I had, at a minimum, a nine-in-ten chance of at least drawing, and an eight-in-ten chance of winning.”

“What can I say?” I asked, spreading my arms in a nonchalant shrug “Luck just loves me.”

“This level of evidence is only, hm, thirteen decibans, or roughly four bits worth; while that’s certainly impressive, your initial claim was implausible enough that I assigned it a rather low confidence of being true - somewhere around minus thirty decibans.”

“I have absolutely no idea what a deciban is but I get the impression it means you don’t believe me. Okay, how about this, you got another deck of cards with you?” She nodded and lifted another deck out of the case. “Alright, I’m going to mix these two decks together and then we’ll play your little game again, but with some subtle differences. This time you only have to draw two cards but you have to correctly guess their name and suit. How ‘bout that?”

“Hm - two specific cards out of one hundred and four, is odds of about one in twenty thousand. About forty-three decibans of evidence. From my initial appraisal, if you succeed, that would give you a total of around twenty-six decibans of your claim being true - or, in sum, four hundred to one in your favor. That would work quite well - if you can pull it off.”

“Care to shuffle?” I asked, placing the cards in front of her. She then proceeded to split the cards into seven piles and shuffled each pile seven times. Damn, she was thorough. After ensuring that the cards were in a completely random order she combined the piles again and placed the finished result in the centre of the table.

“How about you go first?” As a showman I knew that it is important to let the audience go first, so that you can show them up with your superior skill. She complied, thinking hard for a moment before deciding on her sequence.

“King of clubs and seven of diamonds.” I smiled, she had ensured a split between as many suits as possible and split her guess up to contain the largest range of cards. It was a fairly probable guess, but I was aiming for something far riskier.

“Ace of Spades twice.” I was hoping for some kind of display of shock at this, maybe even a gasp, but she simply raised an eyebrow again.

She reached forward with her hoof and picked the two cards off the top of the deck, flipping them over before placing them on the table. A Jack of Spades reared its ugly head, swiftly followed by a Five of Hearts.

“Aw, too bad. I guess that means my victory is assured.”

“You certainly don’t lack for confidence.”

“Yup, because I’ve got something you don’t.” I reached for my cards, but kept them facedown on the table to build some suspense up.

“And that would be?”

“The love of a very corrupt goddess... who likes to cheat.” With that, I flipped the cards over revealing that wonderful card that Motorhead had sung about.

“Oh yeah! The Ace of Spades! The Ace of Spades!” An air guitar riff accompanied this exclamation. I may have been celebrating something that was essentially nothing more than luck but I was just happy that that had actually worked. Plus the look on Missy’s face was priceless.

“Hmph. Very well - I bow to the evidence that you likely have some sort strange influence over probability. However, I wonder: what are its limitations? Can you do anything at all, or can a sufficiently determined person find ways to minimize what your good fortune can accomplish?”

“What exactly did you have in mind to test this? Would you like me to leap from a high place and survive or something equally improbable?”

“I’m just trying to think of a reasonably good test. Simply drawing cards would seem to be one of the places where magical luck has, if you will pardon the expression, the greatest chance of having the greatest effect. I tend to prefer games of either bluff or skill - poker or chess.”

“Chess?”

Was this some sort of subtle hint about the Chess Game? Could she be another piece? The Fortuna reference earlier certainly got her attention but I need a way to make sure.

She began to rummage around in the case again, making me wonder just what exactly was in there. The moment her eyes left me to search for whatever she had in store next my left hand shot out, prepared to do a dishonest day's work.

Missy had evidently found what she was looking for as she placed a wooden board down on the table, its surface covered with black and white squares.

She pulled out a pair of pawns, one black and one white, showed them to me, hid them under her bag, then pulled her hooves out, holding one unseen pawn under each. I pointed to one, she lifted it, revealing the white piece.

She then began to set up black pieces on her side, waving her hoof to show that I should do the same with the white. She finished before me and, even after I had managed to get all my pieces nicely aligned on their little squares, she continued to stare off into space.

“Erm...you alright? What’re you doing?”

“Playing against an abstract opponent requires a somewhat different mindset than playing against a live person.”

“Right...hope you don’t mind me saying but I’ve always found chess to be a bit boring. How about we make it a little more exciting with a wager?”

“What do you have in mind?”

“How about this, if you win then I will sign onto your department as a freelance agent. I will send you any info I run across that could be used to help and you can send me on various missions should you require my services.”

“That is what I came here to achieve. And if you win?”

“Then you answer all my questions with complete honesty and clarity. How’s that sound?” Her face pulled into that small smile at this.

“Agreeable - within the limit that I will say nothing which I believe will endanger anypony’s life. Is that acceptable?”

“I think I can live with that.”

“Then let us begin”

This has been a crossover with DataPacRat's Myou've Gotta Be Kidding Me. I recommend you all go check it out. It is ridiculously intelligent, funny and updates every couple of days.

In addition I have some bad news to give you guys. Due to the amount of work I have to do now, thanks to that infernal place known as college, I will be cutting the Wednesday update. You'll still get a regular Saturday update but next Wednesday, 03/10/2012, will be the last Wednesday update. I apologize for this but I can simply no longer keep up with the twice a week schedule with my current workload. I kind of feel like I'm letting it win, which I'm not at all happy about, but I see no other way I can make this work.

Sorry,
Barrel-of-fun.

Service with a Smile

I had no idea how long I had been unconscious and tied to that damn chair. Apparently it had been long enough for the various traders and merchants of Manehatten to wake up and set up their stalls. It had also been long enough for the customers to crowd the streets in search of an early morning bargain. The route to the hospital passed through the market district, meaning that the streets were packed with an impressive array of beings. Ponies, zebra, griffins, minotaurs and a few creatures I could not identify formed a physical wall of flesh in front of me. I even saw a few teenage dragons flowing through the crowd, their scaly forms slinking between the largely fur-covered populace. Even with my experience at moving through heavily populated areas, picking the occasional pocket, I wouldn’t be able to move at any decent speed through this.

Thankfully, I was rather creative and was thus able to think of alternatives.

I quickly ducked down a side street and began to hunt for my target; someway of scaling the side of a building. Not an easy find, considering that the majority of the buildings in Manehatten were at least three stories high, but I was as lucky as always. Someone had been negligent enough to leave a rubbish bin underneath a low-built window, allowing me the foothold I needed to begin scaling the building. From there it was just a simple job of going from window to window on my ascent to the rooftop. Standing there, looking over the city of Manehatten, from the marble towers of the noble district to the rough taverns of the waterfront, I think I finally know what Leonardo DiCaprio felt when he shouted “I’m the king of the world!”.

He probably felt quite cold. The wind up at this height is devastating; it just rips straight through you.

Pulling the collar up on my coat, despite its inefficiency to protect against the wind, I set off, moving swiftly across the first rooftop and leaning over the side to judge the distance to the next. I let out a whistle as I saw the dizzying height I was currently at, the crowd milling about below looked like multi-coloured ants from up here. I stepped back from the edge before any sense of unease could sink in and walked away, turning to look back at the jump. I leaned down into a runner’s start position and closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath before letting it out in one explosive burst as I shot forward towards the edge…

...and leapt.

Unlike the airborne Ace, Vibrant Melody had her hoofs planted firmly on the ground. Looking up at the large building in front of her, she contented herself with imagining what she would do when she got all these troublemakers in one place.

“Boss? Boss?” A voice suddenly broke through her reverie.

“What?” She snapped at the henchpony who was addressing her, causing all the ponies around her to shrink back from her wrath.

“Are we going to move in?” The brave stallion asked.

“Are you sure they’re in there?” She responded.

“Fairly sure, it is the only main hospital in the city.” He said, sounding far too smug for her tastes.

“Very well then, we move.” Her crew began to trot forward. Melody paused and stopped the stallion who had questioned her. “I’m going to be honest with you here, after all Honesty is an Element. If you ever question me again, I’ll hand you off to some of the dock stallions and you’ll be their new male mare, understand?”

Gulping, the stallion nodded his head so hard it might have rattled his brain.

“Good stallion.” She said, patting him condescendingly on the cheek. “Let’s get to work then.”

“Thank you very much.” Summer said as she levitated a couple of pillows off of the back of a hospital nurse who had brought them round. The stallion nodded once, his white hat with its distinctive red cross bouncing on his head.

Despite her kind words, Summer was a bit shocked at the attitude of the staff in the hospital. She had been forced to go all the way down to the bottom floor of the hospital, talk to the receptionist, find a nurse and then follow him all the way to a storage room before she had been able to get some simple pillows for her dad’s aching back.

She was about to head upstairs when she heard a disturbance behind her. The sound of multiple hooves striking the floor in sequence, along with a dead silence that any Guard worth their salt would recognize as suspicious. Ponies tend to make a lot of noise when they go about their lives normally, it is only when they stop making those noises and start being professionally quiet that you should watch your flank. She sent a quick glance over her shoulder at the party that had just come in. A large group of scruffy looking ponies wandered through the foyer, followed quickly by a vicious-looking scarred mare. The other ponies parted to allow her through, where she commenced to practically bark something at the terrified receptionist. Summer couldn’t make out what was being said, but judging by the tone of the angry mare, it definitely wasn’t good.

She turned and scurried up the stairs, throwing the pillows to one side as she went. Being raised by a sailor had taught her a thing or two about how to spot a storm on the horizon and the mare downstairs is what Swift Storm would have called a ‘thundering bitch at sea’ which roughly translated to the sort of storm that no sane pony would go anywhere near. The bigwig nautical academics would have called it a ‘Storm Force 8 Type 3 Storm.’

Summer much preferred her dad’s way of saying it though. It had a sort of…poetry to it.

The unicorn mare shot up the stairs quicker than she had ever travelled before, arriving at her father’s room in record time. Predictably the old coot had fallen asleep whilst she had been out but Iron was still there, his giant body awkwardly folded up onto one of the pint-sized pony chairs as he read a newspaper. Summer had to suppress a giggle, despite her worries, at the small pair of sophisticated-looking glasses that were perched upon the end of Iron Will’s muzzle as he read.

“Iron, we’ve got trouble.” She stated simply.

“Oh?” He replied, idly licking one finger and turning a page. “What sort of trouble?”

“The sort of trouble that I would prefer not to be around to face.”

This caused Iron to calmly fold his newspaper up, slowly take off his glasses and put them on the bedside table before rising up out of his chair to his full height. He then cracked his knuckles and began to stretch, flexing and loosening each muscle in his upper body.

“Let’s talk tactics then. What have we got?” He said as he leaned down to touch his hooves.

Summer stared for a minute at the minotaur, amazed by how well he was taking this, before shaking her head once. “I’d say around twenty ponies of various races. These aren’t any dockyard goons though; I’m guessing professionals or experienced criminals at the very least.”

“Advantages?”

Summer decided to join him in stretching; getting her back legs warmed up with some practice bucks. Assault magic may be her forte but she might be forced to dish out a kick or two, especially in such close quarters. “Well, we’ve got a single entrance to the room so they’ll have to come through there, no windows for any pegasi to flank us. They’ll have at least a couple of strong unicorns with them so expect some magical artillery, though I’ll try and take them out first.”

“Got it.” Iron replied, swinging his arms around and twisting his torso. “I’ll take the entrance; they’ll have some trouble getting past me, whilst you pour as much fire as you can into them. I’ll have to stick to straight punches though, I don’t really have enough room for swings. Anything else?” He finished his exercises and took up his position in front of the door.

Summer joined him, standing just behind and to the right of his position, horn trained on the wooden door. “Nope, let’s get to it then.”

They stood there for a few minutes, eyes focused and bodies tense as they waited for the inevitable assault. Eventually they heard it, the noise of the elevator reaching their floor, followed by the marching of hooves down to their door. There was a moment of whispering from outside and then silence.

“Hey Summer,” Iron said, glancing over to her, “Have you ever heard of a pre-emptive strike?”

Before Summer could respond that ‘of course she had heard of a pre-emptive strike, what sort of idiot did he take her for?’ Iron had shot forward, placing all of his considerable muscle mass behind a single, powerful kick to the centre of the door. The wooden frame, not being nearly sturdy enough to handle such a strike, buckled under the force of it. Yet, unlike what Iron was hoping for, it didn’t got flying out into the corridor and slam into a pony, instead his hoof when directly through the door and into the face of one of their soon-to-be attackers. The assaulted pony fell back, clutching at his broken nose and swearing profusely. Slightly embarrassed, Iron withdrew his hoof and leaned down to look through the hole he had created. On the other side, a particular mare had the same idea, and Iron found himself meeting the furious gaze of Vibrant Melody. For a moment Iron thought she was just going to try and use her powerful gaze to burn a hole through his head, but then her lips, scar and all, pulled back into a vicious, crazy smile.

“Summer, I think they’re a bit annoyed at us.” Iron understated as he got back up to his full height to brace himself for the coming charge.

“Really? And here I was thinking they were room service.” Summer replied, lighting up her horn in preparation. She shot a quick grin over to him, a fierce little smile that spoke more of excitement for the coming battle than any sort of apprehension. Iron returned the smile in full force, eyes shining with a brutal eagerness.

To be honest, they were both as bad as each other.

A shouted command came from outside, followed by the door being unceremoniously kicked in with a quick buck. Two ponies filled the doorway, with a single pegasus hovering above them and even more ponies crowding behind, including the scarred mare who was commanding the assault. For a moment, the two sides locked eyes, a tense anticipation for violence filled the air as each wondered who would be the first to break this fragile tension and make the first move. It was a beautiful example of the calm before the storm, the sort that artists and poets can only hope to witness one day so that they may properly capture the spirit of it.

Then Iron had to go and ruin it by grabbing a chair and slamming it directly into one of the lead pony’s faces, followed by Summer blasting the other with a bolt of pure energy. With a roar, the pirates began to pile into the room, driven onwards by thoughts of avenging their comrades as well as the fear of the psychopathic mare who gave them their orders. Iron leapt forward, almost gleefully, into battle and Summer backed him up with her magic. The battle had begun.

In the background, Swift Storm continued to sleep peacefully, unaware of the events unfolding merely metres away.

Making my way across the rooftops of Manehatten had been several things. It had, first and foremost, been very cold, it had also been terrifying, exhausting and completely exhilarating. Street travel is going to seem positively mundane to me from now on. Pegasi have got to be the luckiest beings in all existence, being born with the ability to not be tied constantly to the ground. If it was possible to steal a pair of wings, I would do it in an instant.

Provided I’m not depriving anyone innocent of them of course.

I was now stood on the roof of Manehatten General Hospital, no small feat considering the size of the damn building. Thankfully, there had been a crane nearby that I could climb and leap across to get to the rooftop.

Now though, I was faced with an entirely new dilemma. What was the best way to get into the hospital? On one hand, there was the stairs, otherwise known as the normal, boring way to get about. On the other hand…

…was this nice shiny ventilation shaft.

Decisions, decisions.

After a moment I had decided upon a way of finding out what to do. I pulled out a single gold bit that I had in my pocket and looked at it. On one side was the stylized symbol of the sun that served as the mark of Celestia, and on the other, the crescent moon of Luna. Celestia was probably the safer, more boring princess whilst, from what I had seen so far, Luna pretty much emphasised wild recklessness. I ran the coin over my fingers before flicking it up into the air with my thumb, catching it in my other hand when it came down.

Luna. Ventilation shaft it is.

Going through the ventilation shafts always works in movies though.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Blazinblade7
BackgroundBrony
Garion

Big thanks to these guys. I only actually got around to writing this yesterday so the fact that they were able to edit it so quickly is deserving of a round of applause at least. Also, i should be back to my regular update schedule now, thank you all very much for your patience.

Barrel-of-fun

Fighting Like Gentlemen

Creeeeeaaaaak

I winced as the hatch I was opening protested, hoping to whatever gods were listening that none of the pirates had heard that. I poked my head up a bit more and quickly checked around, ready to duck down again at a moment’s notice. The hatch I had opened led onto the main deck of the ship and yet, surprisingly, no one was around to notice my overly cautious entrance.

Okay, that’s weird. I thought this ship was supposed to be full of pirates.

I carefully opened the hatch fully and climbed out, making sure to remain as quiet as possible. Just because I couldn’t see any pirates, didn’t mean they weren’t around. As I stood up and took a full account of my surroundings, I quickly found myself thankful for my paranoia. Clustered around on the quarterdeck of the ship was a vast array of pony pirates, all of them facing away from me and staring out over the sea. In the distance, I could see what looked like a colossal storm, a worrying sight for anyone on the sea.

“Tha’ ain’t natural.” I head one of the pirates mutter, his fellows quickly agreeing.

“Ah, who cares? Whatever it is, it’s stopped that other ship from followin’ us.” A commanding, and familiar, voice rung out from the throng of pirates.

Vibrant Melody was in there somewhere, probably at the very head of her little gang. Although to call it a little gang was a bit of an understatement. There had to be at least thirty ponies up there, give or take a few. A large number of them appeared to be pegasi with the rest being mostly earth ponies. The occasional sight of a horn though announced the presence of a handful of unicorns amongst the pirates, which made me even more wary. Brute force was something I was used to; magic was a game changer no matter what the situation.

Thankfully, the pony crowd seemed to be completely absorbed in watching the storm, something for which I couldn’t really blame them. The drumming of thunder, the loud crack of lightning and the occasional monstrous shriek came from the depths of the storm, providing quite an interesting show. Since the pirates were so wrapped up in the spectacle, I decided the politest thing I could do would be to leave them to it. On silent hooves, I crept over to what I believed was the port side of the ship where a lifeboat was hanging. It was there I encountered a very large problem.

Ropes. There were so many ropes. They filled the area above the ship like a spider’s web made of rigging. I could see that some of them were being used to haul up cargo from below deck, whilst others seemed to attach to the sails in such a way that they seemed practically occult to me. I had absolutely no idea which one of the many knots in front of me would release the lifeboat into the sea. After struggling in vain to follow the rope back to its point of origin, a task that became impossible after it began to seamlessly meld with the many other ropes that made up the rigging, I eventually decided on an easier solution.

Random guesswork.

“Eenie meenie miny mo.” I whispered, pointing at the knots in front of me at random, “Catch a piggy by his toe. If he squeals, let him go. Eenie meenie miny mo.”

Satisfied by my logical and efficient decision making tactic, I grabbed the chosen knot and began to untie it. The knot proved a little difficult, it being a specialised sailor’s knot, but in the end it was no match for my skilled and experienced fingers. Heh, there was this one girl I knew who could do wonders with a bit of rope. The knots she could tie...

My reverie was interrupted as the rope before me, after being loosened a bit, immediately shot out of my loose grip and upwards into the rigging. The lifeboat, however, remained sadly stationery save for the slight swaying of the ship. A loud crash and the sound of shattering wood from behind me gave me a clue to what had happened.

Well that definitely wasn’t the right rope.

I turned around slowly and observed the smashed crate, it’s cargo of cannonballs now spilling around on the deck. I wasn’t the only one observing the broken container though. The pirates had also all turned around upon hearing the crash. Slowly, I tore my eyes away from the wreckage and met the pirate’s glares. A terrible silence descended on the ship.

Nervously, I cleared my throat before attempting something I saw in a movie once, “Parlay?”

The pirates continued to stare at me, expressions blank.

“I’m just your friendly neighbourhood rope inspector,” I tried, before grabbing another rope and giving it a firm tug, “Yup, that looks like a good quality rope right there.” I gave it one last pull for emphasis.

This turned out to be the wrong thing to do as, although the rope may have been of decent quality, the knot was fairly amateurish by comparison. The knot immediately slipped loose of its mooring and, once again, the rope shot upwards and out of sight. Across the deck, a barrel fell from above, shattering on the deck and spilling an amber liquid, presumably some sort of rum, everywhere.

The pirate’s glares intensified tenfold.

Wow. I really suck at this whole diplomacy business.

There was some shuffling from the crowd as they parted to let a certain scarred pegasus mare through. Vibrant Melody glared down at me with eyes that promised only fury and violence. Now that I think about it, Violent Melody would be a much better name for her. She is quite a skilled musician, and her instrument is the pain and suffering of others. Maybe I should suggest that she change her name?

“Kill him.”

Okay, maybe later then.

Practically moving as one, all thirty or so of the pirates leapt at me, Melody at their head. Pegasi simply jumped from the top deck and used their wings to glide towards me whilst the earth ponies and unicorns were forced to leap down the stairs. A cornucopia of pain and suffering descended on me, causing my survival instincts to flare. Like any reasonable human being, I chose an appropriate course of action when seeing a horde on brightly coloured, not-so-adorable pirate ponies descending on me.

I got the fuck out of there.

Grabbing the nearest rope in one hand and pulling out my knife with the other, I quickly began to whisper prayers to the only deity I knew could help me.

“Mum, I don’t know if you’re watching right now but if you are, could you please ask Poseidon not to drown me? That would be swell, thanks.”

There, with Poseidon on my side, nothing could go wrong.

In the non-material plane, Lady Luck stared down in amazement at the being she was hesitantly calling her son. If she had a physical form in this plane, then its face would have been locked in a deadpan expression.

“Seriously?”

With a quick slash of my knife, the rope was severed just above the knot. The outstretched hooves of the leading pegasi, Melody included, were only a few inches away when whatever piece of hanging cargo I had cut away finally dropped. The rope in my hand immediately shot up in my grasp, friction burns cutting into the flesh before I managed to tighten my hold enough. With a lurch that made me feel sick to my stomach, I was pulled into the air along with it, leaving the confused pirates behind as I shot upwards.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the expressions on their faces. A mixture of confusion, shock and awe that was just a delight to behold. After letting out a few short chuckles, I looked up to see where my rope was taking me.

Oh. That’s not good at all.

I was now travelling with some speed directly towards one of the mast arms which the rope had been looped over. At the speed I was going, colliding with the solid wood of the mast arm offered nothing but a squishy and painful death, followed by a graceless fall to the deck below before the pirates drew straws to decide who had to clean my splattered remains off the ship. An unnaturally calm part of my mind noted that these were all terrible things to happen and, if I did not want them to come to pass, I should do something quickly. A decidedly less calm part of my mind had this eloquent response:

WELL DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEAS?

Whilst these two diametrically opposed parts of my mind argued over minor things like my survival and how such vulgar language was not appropriate, whether children were listening or not, the rest of my brain decided to make an executive decision. This time I chose to pray to Sir Isaac Newton, Lord of Gravity, as well as Charles Darwin, Archangel of Natural Selection, in the hoped that they might alter my survival.

I sure am praying to a lot of gods today. That cannot be a good sign.

My prayers said and my mind set, I let go of the rope that was serving as my lifeline. The considerable momentum that I had built up in my swift ascension kept me going though, ending up with me being catapulted clean over the mast arm. For a single, beautiful moment I hung in the air at the apex of my arc. This must be what it is like to be a bird, free from the restraints of the ground, the entire sky extending out before you.

Of course, it was at that point that gravity, that forever harsh mistress, decided to take hold and began to drag me back down. Luckily, my flight had taken my right next to the rear sail of the ship and, as just as my fall began to pick up speed, I struck out and stabbed my knife into the canvas. There was a terrible ripping sound as the blade cut through the cloth of the sail, but it accomplished its purpose. My fall was steadily slowed until, with a quick yank, I extracted my knife and fell the remaining few feet to the deck of the ship, landing smoothly on my hooves and turning around to look at my attackers.

The pirates were stood, or hovering in some cases, exactly where I had left them. Evidently, they had been watching my impromptu flight turned acrobatics performance turned act of sail-based vandalism with mouths hanging wide open. I was pretty impressed myself to be honest. That bit with the sail definitely deserves some applause. I also noted that there appeared to be a broken piano on the deck now, probably the cargo that had been dropped to allow me to be pulled up.

Who is transporting a grand piano on a pirate ship though? Who does that?

Before I could wonder any further on the nature of such an individual, Melody shouted something that made my blood run cold.

“Open fire!” She screamed at her unicorn subordinates.

I barely had time to leap behind the wheel of the ship before magical bolts began to slam into the railings around me, some of the blasts managed to remove decent chunks of wood wherever they landed whilst others left mere scorch marks. I ducked down in my imperfect cover, pulling in as much of my body as I could. Maybe if I just waited long enough, the unicorn’s would run out of energy?

I suddenly felt a shooting pain go through me, coming from an area I had only recently acquired and still wasn’t entirely used to. With one hand I grabbed my tail and lifted it up in front of me, quickly blowing out the small flame that had started on the end before staring at the blackened section. They’d set my tail on fire...

Those bastards!

I quickly rose to my hooves, ignoring the inaccurate blasts of magic that were shooting through the air all around me. Apparently, it was quite difficult to aim a weapon that was attached to your forehead, if the terrible shooting of the unicorn pirates was anything to go by. Still, I didn’t want them to get another lucky hit on me. Abandoning my plan of out waiting the unicorns, I grasped the ship’s wheel in both hands and grinned down at the pirates.

“Hey! I wonder what happens if I do this?” I shouted, before yanking the wheel sharply to one side and holding on for dear life.

The ship followed the turning of the wheel, lurching to the right with a wooden moan as it was forced to turn suddenly in the water. The deck tilted underneath the pirates, causing more than a few to lose their balance and begin tumbling. The unicorns in particular were badly hit as they had been entirely focused on the admirable task of trying to blast me to pieces. However, it did mean that when the deck heaved underneath them, they were entirely unprepared for it. All five of the unicorns who had been shooting at me let out ungainly screams as they went flying overboard.

I really hope that they know how to swim.

The earth ponies fared slightly better, their strong legs meaning that they lost only two of their number who were unlucky enough to have their hooves taken out from underneath them by some rolling cannonballs.. The pegasi fared by far the best, their wings allowing them to simply fly up and ignore the tilting of the ship. All in all, my desperate move had managed to remove seven of the ponies who were trying to kill me from the equation. Math was never really my strong suit but I’m pretty sure that if I put those numbers into a calculator then it would make a happy face.

“Wow, that actually worked way better than I expected.” I remarked, inadvertently drawing the pirate’s attention back to me.

“GET HIM!” Melody screamed, practically frothing at the mouth now.

“But ma’am! What about the others?” A concerned - and perhaps, foolishly brave, - pegasus asked as he peered over the side of the ship.

Rather than respond verbally, Melody chose to swoop down on the pirate who dared to question her. As she flew, I noticed a glint of metal coming from her wings. Perhaps some sort of hidden blade tucked away into her feathers? Whatever it was, she chose not to use it on the unfortunate insubordinate. With a disgusting crack, her front hooves slammed into his wings at the point where they connected to his body. The poor pegasus barely had time to scream out before Melody had spun around in the air and, with a surprisingly powerful buck, sent him falling over the edge of the ship. The pegasus quickly disappeared over the side and into the sea, his wings and possibly more bones broken as the water swallowed his screams of pain.

“If you’re so concerned about them,” Melody taunted with a vicious sneer, “Then why don’tcha go check on them?! Now the rest of you, kill that fool!”

After that little show of micromanagement in action, the rest of Melody’s troops needed no further convincing. The pirates began to approach me again, but slower this time, more carefully. Not only did they not want me to escape once more but the terrain itself was fairly hazardous to anyone hoping to move quickly. The swaying of the ship meant that various nets and ropes swung dangerously through the air, forcing the pegasi to slowly flap their way over to me, whilst the combination of rum, cannonballs and grand pianos littering the deck made a difficult landscape for the remaining earth ponies to traverse.

Eventually though, they did manage to reach me. The first of the earth ponies began to charge up the stairs just as the pegasi surrounded the airspace around the top deck, effectively cutting off all forms of retreat. Strangely, I found that the problem-solving advice I learnt from a nursery rhyme was curiously applicable in this situation.

Oh look! It’s a horde of pony pirates!
Can’t go over it!
Can’t go under it!
Can’t go around it!
Got to go through it!

Following these ancient words of wisdom, I charged directly at the lead earth pony, just as he triumphantly managed to set a hoof on the quarterdeck. After he planted his hoof, he looked up at me and attempted to smirk, pleased that he had navigated my accidental assault course. Attempted to smirk, of course, because it is rather difficult to make any facial expression when your muzzle has just been caved in by a flying front hoof kick. Such was the momentum behind my desperate attack that the earth pony’s unconscious body was sent tumbling backwards into his fellows, essentially turning them into pirate pony bowling pins as I rode my living surfboard down the wooden stairs.

When we reached the bottom I didn’t pause for a second, knowing that some form of retribution may already be on my slightly singed tail. Instead, I leapt off of my temporary living transportation, using the forward momentum to send me airborne for a few seconds before landing and tucking into a perfect roll. I grimaced as I stood and turned to face my attackers, noting that other than the poor fellow I’d just used to ride down the stairs, none of the other ponies had been taken out of the fight. Seven quickly recovering earth ponies were heading towards me, their pegasus counterparts moving carefully through the mass of wires and ropes above to join them. I only had a few seconds before the mass of flying ponies got into position, at which point I would be immediately overwhelmed by sheer numbers.

Seven ponies. About ten seconds.

I may have to cheat a little here.

I made careful note of each earth pony’s position, marking them on my mental map of the ship. This was a trick I had learnt after years of running away from both angry gang members and police officers. Always know where your opponent is, even if you can’t see them. Knowing your surroundings and the locations of your enemies was an advantage that only fools ignore, to their own peril.

When I was confident in my approach, I made my move. Shouting a wild an unintelligible battle cry, I charged the first earth pony, who immediately went into a guard position by locking his legs up and hunching his shoulders, ready to take my charge full on. I chose not to do that of course. My hands flashed out of my sleeves, sending a dozen small orbs flying towards the mass of pirates. Before they could react, the pellets had exploded, sending a thick smoke to cover the environment.

The lead pony that I had charged stayed tensed up, eyes darting back and forth as he searched for an attack that was never going to come. The moment the smoke bombs had gone off, I had darted to the side, immediately changing my direction and heading towards the pirate at the back of the group. According to my mind map, he should be exactly four and a half feet in front of me. The coughing pirate emerged from the smoke in front of me and I didn’t pause for an instant, immediately grabbing his dazed head and driving it into my knee before letting him drop to the ground.

Now, eight feet to my left was another one, a dark green pirate with a shaggy black mane if I remember correctly. A second later I was proven correct as a swift kick to the leg broke the green-coated pirate’s kneecap, followed by a snap kick to the jaw that sent his head jerking upwards before falling to the ground.

Turn around. Another seven and a half feet on silent hooves. Leap onto the pirate’s back and wrap my arms around his neck, as I quickly strangle him to the point of unconsciousness. You have reached your destination.

Roll off that pirate and dash forwards. Ten feet to the tensed up pony ready for a forward assault. I grabbed his back legs and took him completely by surprise. He let out a strangled yelp as I pulled his legs out from under him, causing him to collapse to the deck. A swift blow from the hilt of my knife put him out of commission.

Only three left now. I smiled with satisfaction.

A dark, furry form collided with me from the side, knocking the wind out of me as we were sent tumbling to the ground. A greasy maned pony stood over me, growling through his teeth at me. How the hell had he known where I was.

Shit. That last one managed to cry out. I should have already been moving. Stupid! Stupid!

If I pulled something like that back on the streets of London then I’d already be dead. Some pissed off, psychopathic gang member would be eagerly driving a shiv into my stomach as fast as he could. Instead, here in Equestria, I just had some hoof shaped bruises and a chance to fight my attacker as he stood over me, growling menacingly.

Slamming my hands into either side of his head, I discombobulated the pirate, quite possibly shattering his eardrums with the amount of force I put behind the double handed slap. I wasn’t quite done yet though. My fingers dug into the pirate’s dirty fur as I dragged his head down, raising my own head to meet it halfway. The infamous Glasgow Kiss landed to stunning and bloody effect. Against a human, it was usually a matter of who had the thicker skull. But against a pony, a being that was equipped with a distinctly more delicate muzzle, it could have some very impressive effects. The pirate’s nose practically exploded as I slammed my head into it, the bone that made up the front of the muzzle crumpling under the force applied. I was left with a bit of a nasty headache and some pony blood smeared on my face. The pirate I had headbutted was left whimpering on the ground as he cried for his mother.

Personally, I think I won that little duel.

Two enemies left and they had quite possibly heard that last little fight. Rather than go charging off blindly into the smoke, I chose to simply wait by the moaning body of my defeated enemy for them to come to me. Quite soon, I was rewarded with the sight of two silhouettes charging out of the fog directly towards me. Reaching down, I grasped the tail of my recently defeated opponent and began to do a small spin in the spot, using my meagre might to drag the moaning body of the bloody nosed pirate along with me. Once I’d completed one full circle I released the pirate, sending him sliding along the rum-soaked deck towards one of his charging allies. The approaching pirate was taken entirely off guard when his legs were taken out from underneath him, causing him to begin falling face first towards the deck. He was taken off guard once more when, rather than a welcoming wooden deck, his face met my rising hoof, causing him to join his not so stalwart ally in bloody nosed pain.

The final earth pony was more wary than his fellow. He could see me now, close enough that the smoke screen was simply shielding our fight from the pegasi. Determination filled the pirate’s eyes as we slowly began to circle each other, looking for any flaws in the other’s defences. He bunched his muscles up and scraped one hoof along the deck, snorting out some air as he did so. Any moment now he was going to charge and bash my brains in with his hooves.

Or at least, he would have done, had I not cut to the chase and thrown one of my magical cards at him.

I didn’t even bother to check which card it was before I threw it, simply trusting in my luck that it would be a good one. It struck the earth pony full on in the chest and, with a sharp crack of released force, the pirate was sent flying backwards into the smoke. Clubs it was then, and a fairly powerful one at that. I distinctly heard him impact against something, quite possibly the main mast of the ship considering our positioning in my mental map.

I was panting with exertion now, desperately trying to catch my breath after that fight. Taking out eight opponents in less than ten seconds is no mean feat, even with all the little tricks I had used to even the odds. Now then, the smokescreen should last another fifteen seconds or so before the sea wind managed to disperse it. That’s more than enough time to get to one of the hatches and escape below deck. That way, when the pegasi follow me, the close quarters of the hold would remove their advantages and put us on a more even footing.

I was beginning to head in the direction of where the nearest hatch was when the smoke began to thin out, much quicker than it naturally should have been. I wasn’t even halfway to my target when the last wisps of the smokescreen were blown away and I saw what had just happened. The pegasi, at the direction of Melody, had used their wings to create a gust that removed my smokescreen.

Clever girl.

For a moment, I considered making a mad dash to the hatch, but abandoned that thought a second later. As fast as I was on the ground, the pegasi were faster in the air. I’d be cut down before I got anywhere near the hatch door. Wearily, I looked down at the knife in my hand before raising it before me in a traditional guard stance. My other hand I formed into a fist before slowly raising my middle finger directly at Vibrant Melody. Slowly, I moved the offending finger back and forth in the well known ‘come and get it’ gesture. Despite being an entirely fingerless species, the ponies somehow managed to understand my gesture and were more than happy to oblige me. With an inarticulate shout of fury, the fifteen pegasi began to dive bomb me.

Author's Note

Edited by:
Me (That's right, I actually read through my own work for once.)
Blazinblade7

Initially I had planned to get this entire battle done in one chapter but it ended up being really quite long, hence it being split up into two. Also, Ace cheats. Like, all the time.

Until next time,
Barrel-of-fun

The Adventure Continues

The sequel is now up, links here

Sorry for the wait.