Johnson’s Author’s Notes: Okay so, I’m a pretty big Company of Heroes player and one day I just had this random idea to make a CoH in Equestria story. The game makes me chuckle at some of the things they say, so I’m going to use a few of them considering I know almost all of them xD. This story is completely random and it’s something we are doing for teh lolz, That aside any CoH players should recognize that this is Company of Heroes Tales of Valor. (Although we play Blitzkrieg Mod most of the time) So i hope you enjoy this nonsense everypony.
P.S. Cheers to Phanton for collabing on this with me! 8D
Phantom’s Author’s Notes: WAZZAP EVERYPONY! ThePhantomAssassin here! Johnson came up with this little number here, and we decided to make this happen. This is going to be a collab between us. So I hope you enjoy it. I for one am not expecting this to get super popular, as this is also going to be a half ass troll fic. Shit gon go down *Sage Nod* This is going to be a hilarious ride of awesome straight out of the Company of Heroes: Tales of Valor universe. I will be playing Allies, Johnson has Axis. Between us, this is going to be random as fuck, and hilarious. Rated teen for language, and soon, badly described violence. We aren’t going to make this a gore fic is what I mean. I don’t plan of half assing this lolol. Have fun, and enjoy that which came straight from Johnson’s crazy mind! Course I didn’t stop him xD
Phantom and Johnson were trolling around on the internet looking for some more interesting mods for Company of Heroes. When a mysterious chat bubble from steam appeared to the both of them. The man’s tag was simply Anon1. He was recognized by Johnson who is quite familiar with Steam and its workings. As well as random internet shit. Phantom was clueless. Go figure that eh?
Anon1: Greetings players...
Phantom: Who are you...? How’d you join our chat...?
Johnson: Holy shit sala beed... You’re THE Anon1?!
Anon1: Indeed I am... Sources tell me you are looking for a new mod for Company of Heroes... I have something you bronies may find intriguing... Interested...?
Phantom: I’ll ignore how you knew we are bronies, and how you knew we were looking for a new mod and simply say... yes. We are interested. What is it?
Johnson: lol... inb4Equestriamod xD
Anon1: In fact yes... It is in fact an Equestrian mod...
Phantom: O.O
Johnson: Linkz or it didn’t happen.
Anon1: Have a file instead... It’ll be in your e-mails...
Server info: Anon1 has gone offline.
Phantom: Holy shit yo. I fer srrs face has a new e-mail from Anon1 o.o I’ma save and run the file attachment. I’ll let you know if my AV software starts freaking out.
Johnson: Okay... Well, The internet is totally fried now and I’ma just pretend I wasn’t hacked...
Phantom: I hear that. Kaspersky didn’t say a thing for me man... That shit is a $150 AV program of awesomeness. It didn’t even let me know a new internet connection was made! Also, I have the file saved onto my PC. All seems good. So go ahead and start your download. inb4 it crashes out PC’s after we both have it Dx. .
Johnson: lol well your not the ones who’s credit card is at risk... meh whatever Ill just go for it anyways. tell me when yours is ready to play.
Phantom: Hey now, I do have my PayPal hooked up to my Steam. So I’m not safe either. Not just my credit card is at risk. PayPal is hooked up to my freakin’ bank account number. Will do Sala Beed. It’s installing now.
Johnson: heheh, yeah. alright mines done...
Phantom: Holy shit... It’s already done! That was fast as fuck o.o
An new icon appeared on both of their desktops. It was a simple icon of the MLP: FiM logo, the icon name was Company of Heroes: Equestrian MOD.
Phantom: Go ahead and host. Mine is launching now.
With a double click, they both started up their new badass mods. Though it came from a questionable source, they weren’t about to NOT play ponies. BECAUSE PONIES! It was worth the risk.
A black box appeared over their desktops as the game started. The loading screen was ponified PONIES!
Background noise wasn’t machine guns and explosions, it was ponies.
Phantoms screen was giving him a notification that Johnson was inviting him to the game. Without hesitation, he accepted.
Johnson: Dude! Look at this map! I know you don’t like 1v1’s but man! It’s Ponyville and Canterlot!! Also, do you hear pony music too?
Phantom: I’ll get my ass kicked for a game on a Ponyville/Canterlot map. *Sage Nod* Yeah, fucking baws ain’t it?
With the skirmish settings set, and the map selected. Phantom hit the green thumbs up button, and Johnson started the game. Thus, the game was afoot. The screen darkened and the players watched as the screen flashed with bright colors and pictures of pony memes along with Pinkie’s party cannon blasting every so often.
They were in for a real surprise.
Chapter 1: The Game Begins
It was a midday afternoon in both Ponyville and Canterlot. A midday afternoon like any other. Not a cloud in the sky, the sun was shinning. Celestia was in her study writing a reply to one of Twilight’s Friendship reports. All of a sudden, she felt her connection with the sun sever. She dropped her quill, and galloped outside.
She looked up and found the sun had stopped moving completely. No pony else besides her and Luna could really tell, but given enough time, everypony would notice... All of a sudden giant letters appeared in the sky’s between Ponyville and Canterlot.
Phantom: Dude, I’m set up in Ponyville! You jelly? Even better, my HQ is Twilight’s Library!
Johnson: Thats epic! I totally am! I think I have some dude’s cabbage shop as my HQ >.>
Phantom: LOL! That’s hilarious. We can switch sides next game.
Over in Ponyville, Twilight’s Library has gone over a major makeover. Blue flags with a star in a circle were now adorning the tree. While Twilight was inside, she had no idea. Rainbow Dash, who was flying around noticed the bizarre change and decided to... ‘Drop in’ to see what’s up. So with the grace only she could muster, she crashed through the window. Or at least, she would have. IF THERE WAS ONE!! Alas, it was just a hole where a window was.
Twilight, went to open the window before Rainbow destroyed it, but was unable. As it was freaking gone. Poof like a fucking ninja. “Where are my windows!?” Shouted Twilight.
Rainbow didn’t give a fuck like 60’s Spider Man and flew in like it wasn’t a problem. “Sup Twi’ your windows are gone.Your house is also covered in blue flags. There’s also these three weird looking creatures standing outside...”
Twilight went to go open go open the door, but found she couldn’t. As the door will now only open when the building is garrisoned. But they didn’t know that. Poor ponies. “Why can’t I open my own door? What ever. TELEPORTATION TIME MOTHER BUCKER!” and with a lavanderp flash she teleported Spike, Rainbow, and herself outside.
Sure enough shit was different. The whole library was decked out to look like an Allied HQ, and there was an engineer squad standing around out front. She looked up and noticed the huge ass floating letters . “This is quite unusual...” She scrunched her adorkable little face up in confusion. “Spike. take a letter. We need to inform the princess of this at once!” She said deciding on a course of action to take.
Back in Canterlot... A lone pony with a cabage as a cuitemark ran outside his shop and yelled. “MY CABBAGE SHOP!! IT’S!!! Not that bad actually...” He let out a sigh of relief. His shop was only now the HQ for the Axis team. Wehrmacht flags were surrounding it, and a two man Pioneer squad were standing in front.
Celestia burst into Luna’s chamber and roused her sister awake. Luna, with a grumble rolled over, her eyes half open. “Didn’t we do this last week? Are you wanting us to please you already?”
Celetia shook her head. “Maybe I’ll have you rub me down later. Then I’ll do you to. I’ve been practicing with the guards all week.” Luna raised an eyebrow at her sister. “Can you still feel your connection to the moon?”
Luna looked at her sister. “We will look forward to the massage then.” With that Luna closed her and reached out to the moon. Only, to find she can’t. Her eyes shot open and surprise was all over her face. Her cute face /)^3^(\ “We cannot! What hast thou done to our moon?!”
Celestia merely shook her head... “I did nothing Lulu... My connection to the sun was removed as well. There is also giant letters floating in the sky. They aren’t making any sence... I can read some words, but others are just a random jumble of letters... I have no clue what ‘LOL’ means... Also, it seems the sun has stopped moving... I fear for what is to come...”
“We also feel the moon has stopped... We must get to the bottom of this at once!” Luna was on her hooves in a snap, and she was putting on her regalia. Which meant she was naked! (Me Gusta.jpg)
Meanwhile, outside of Twilight’s House Library thing!
Twilight was attempting to speak to the creatures standing outside her library. When all of a sudden they said, rather loudly I might add “Wielding, shooting, sleeping, it’s all the same me.” This response had Twilight dumbfounded, and she was about to question what that was supposed to mean, when they followed up with, “We’ll get it built!”
They all started moving simultaneously, stopping in the town square. Four wooden beams appeared out of nowhere and green tarping stretched out upon the wooden beams. Tarping that also appeared out of nowhere. Not that they would know, but the front half of a jeep also appeared out of the side of the building. In the same moment a tent half the size of Twilight’s library house thing was standing. “Building complete as ordered! Good enough for army work...”
Twilight tilted her head. “Army work? What do you mean?” Soon, a green light was flashing on the small structure. Out of nowhere, six more creatures appeared out of thin air! They didn’t walk out of the building, oh no. They literally poofed into existence in front of it. Scaring poor Twilight, Spike and Rainbow Dash silly.
Phantom: LOL! My Rifle Squad scared Twilight! Dude this is awesome! the ponies are NPC’s that act and react to stuff! I swear I can hear them talking! This is amazing! Also, I can’t target them with my Riflemen... That’s to bad. I’d love the chance to kill some of my hated ponies. Like Blueblood and Gilda.
Johnson: Sala beed.. I can also see the pony NPC’s looking at my troops and stuff. Heheh its all the stuck up ponies saying how much they dislike my “choice of fashion” xD this is hilarious! I wonder how long it took to make this.. and how they got NPC’s in a map for that matter?
Phantom: What a bunch of stuck up snobs. They need to have somepony take the dildo out of their asses so they can loosen up. Dumbasses... Can you target them? I’m sure we could do without a few turds like them.
Johnson: Hahaha, sadly no. I can’t target them either. But it’s funny how they are all panicking at the barracks I’m building xD
Rainbow Dash, after getting over the shock, and insisting that she didn’t get scared when the six things came out of nowhere, took the sky to see if anything else changed around Ponyville. Sure enough, there were large flag posts situated between Ponyville and Canterlot. The six beings said, rather darkly. “Oh we’ll take it alright...” And then started running off towards one of the flag posts. Curious, Twilight and Spike followed after them.
Every now and then one of them would shout. “Watch your flank!” (We’ll be watching some flanks alright ;) Winky Face) or “Moving up!” When they got close to the flag post, a flag similar to the one’s on the library house thing start rising on the post by itself. Normaly Twilight would blame magic. Or Pinkie, but since she wasn’t around and there’s wasn’t an aura around the flag, there was no real excuse.
With a sigh she went back to the library, only to find there was six more of them! Once they started moving off to another flag, one of them shouted. “Jesus Conrad tie your fuckin’ laces!” Such free use of such foul language shocked and appalled Twilight!
Pinkie came up out of nowhere wearing her umbrella hat and said. 
“Oh good! Pinkie! Do you know anything about what’s going on? And why I can’t use my own door?”
Pinkie looked at Twilight like she was crazy. “Of course silly! You just need to think about going inside!” To demonstrate, Pinkie walked up to the door. “All right! Everyone in! Use that window as a firing position!” And the door opened on its own accord, and PInkie all but teleported inside!
Twilight was quite shocked and confused as to what the flying fuck just happened. One does not simply yell themselves into a house. Even if it was Pinkie Pie.
Meanwhile, BACK AT THE TEMPLE OF WEHRMACHT...! An oddly familiar voice called out, echoing across the land.
“Building shtuff!” Yelled the pioneer squad and the ran of to complete another building, the Kampfkraft center. A medium size metal rectangle box came out of nowhere, and just like the Wehrmacht Quarters, wooden wall frames surrounded the building as it proceeded to rise out of the ground like a zombie.
“Volksgrenadiers ready for inspection.“ Then like the Riflemen Squad, they start running off to a flag post, but not before saying. “Taking territory.”
“Well I never! What is this blasphemy? I certainly hope you are not considering taking up all of this space with these tacky things.” said a rather high class looking pony. “This is simply Uncouth, somepony simply must tell the Princesses at once!”
“Last one there get no beer tonight!” The Pioneers shouted as they raced across the Canterlot market square. All of a sudden angry sounding gibberish erupted from the Axis HQ AKA The Cabbage Shop, as they escalated to Skirmish Phase. This caused all of the nearby ponies to jump in fright, and stared at the offending loud speaker in question.
“How rude!”
“A disaster! A horrible horrible disaster!”
“The horror, the horror!”
“The nerve!”
Phantom: Dude,I have an idea. If we can’t directly target the NPC’s, try throwing a grenade!
Johnson: Okay, I’ll try it when I get grenadiers. which shouldn’t be too long. Muhahahaa
Phantom: That’ll teach those pansy asses a lesson! lol
The Volksgrenadiers had seized several points by now, and the Allied Rifle Squads have done the same. Territory was being seized, and conflict was about to erupt... Unbeknownst to the players however, the ponies could see and interact with everything they had. Except for the troops. Since they were only replying in select phrases. Not to mention, completely vague phrases. Pinkie was quite sure there wasn’t anypony named ‘Conrad’ in Ponyville.
Speaking of Pinkie... Back on the Allied side of things...
Another squad of Engineers appeared in front of the LIbrary, and they went about constructing a Weapons Support Center with a simple. “C’mon! HQ Needs that Weapons Support Center on the double!” LIke with the other buildings, it simply started materializing out of nowhere. But all this chaotic happening didn’t go unnoticed... In the gardens of Canterlot Castle, a statue was deforming... Cracking... And a villainous laughter erupted as Discord’s prison weakened...
Phantom: Yo! Did you hear that? That creepy laugh? Was it just me, or did it sound like Discord?
Johnson: Um, yes actually.. im sending a schwimmwagen over the garden to check it out. :/
Phantom: With as awesome as this thing is, I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually did something. Could you imagine? All of a sudden your guys like, drop dead or something? That would suck Dx
Johnson: lol i would be pissed! I don’t care, but if that happens I’ma use and arty strike on his ass! >:D
Phantom: I agree... Bust a super sized cap in dat ass lol
“Alright! Weapon Support Center is up! WSC is up!” As soon as it was done, the green light started flashing, and in a few moments a lone creature appeared. “Boogy man here!” He started walking off in the direction of Canterlot. “Heart or Head, either way, jerry's dead...”
Twilight’s ears splayed back on her head. “That does not bode well... These creature may be hostile.”
In the plains in between Canterlot and Ponyville, a lone Rifle Squad encountered a Volksgrenadier Squad and they opened fire on each other. Gunshots rang out across the land. No pony could NOT hear it. Everypony in both Canterlot, and Ponyville turn to look at the creatures engaging one another. Ear splitting bangs and screams that could only be found in the darkest of nightmares. (No offense Luna /)^3^(...)
Unfortunately for the Axis, the ‘Boogy man’ made it in time to start picking off their troops. “Sniper! Children we must move!” At that point they had started to move back, but another sniper shot dinged a volks member. Now only at 2 members, a giant exclamation mark inside a red arrow appeared over the squad and followed them as they sprinted back in the direction of canterlot. “If you don’t run you bastards, the Yankees will get you!”
As they ran back to their HQ, a three man squad of the creatures showed up to support the six man. “Grab those belts Private!” The one carrying a odd shaped device on his shoulder held it out in front of him and set out three pronged legs and placed it facing the direction the Volksgrenadier Squad ran off in.
Another Rifle Squad was completed and when they started moving off to the others, they said. “Lemmie guess: Ya found nazi's and you want’em dead?”
The extra Engineer Squad started construction on a HMG Emplacement with a “Let’s get that Machine Gun Emplacement built ASAP” As with all the other buildings, the materials to build it just came up from beneath the ground. As the green tarp appeared over the sandbags, support legs propped it up to give it some sort of roof.
While they did that, the one’s at base said. “Let’s get that Motor Pool up and running!” Metal beams popped up from beneath the ground as the much larger building constructed itself. The things making as usual didn’t do anything beside crouch there with those odd glowing things in their hooves and the masks on their faces. “Just like the garage back home.” Though the allies had the advantage, it wouldn’t be long before a counterattack was launched.
The battle was over, but this war has only JUST begun...
Author’s Notes!
Phantom: Okay bronies. Time fer a srrs face question. Do we continue, yes or no? The fate of this story rests in your hooves. Let us know what you think in the comments.
Johnson: Hai der, well this is just a small part of a story to come. I also have a question. More gore? or keep it teen? We have TONs of ideas for this and would love to pour them out. Any mistakes or criticism is welcome, if you think we did something off from the game go ahead and let us know. I hope that you at least chuckled a bit at this nonsense, and have yourselves a derpy day! :3
Phantom: JK! We are continuing this even if we don’t get a single like trollolol P.S, Vote for more gore. We would LOVE to describe in excruciating detail what is happening when I call in an artillery barrage. This has been a Phantom x Johnson collaboration. We hope you enjoyed it. If not, well, you can go fuck yourself. We don’t care what haters think. Unless the hater has good reasons. If that’s the case let us know in the comments and feel free to NOT fuck yourself :D
