Dear Princess Celestia,
Do your job! Every weatherpony in Equestria has been having to cover up the lack of a decently raised sun. We’ve tried pouring rain, drizzling rain, rain clouds, fog, mist, misting rain, thundering rain, showering rain, leaky rain, and even pissing rain. We’ve tried grey, gray, black, and even bruisey clouds, along with our whole year’s supply of nimbostratus and stratus. We’re done! We’re out of tricks. And fresh water. We’re going to have to tornado a whole 'nother season’s supply up to Cloudsdale at this rate just to keep the skies clouded over so nopony can tell that you’re barely raising the sun. Seriously, you just kinda bring it up, let it lurk around not shining, and then let Luna lower it again in the evening. It’s not even a proper angle!
Speaking of the sun, we’re heading toward the Summer Sun Celebration! And let me remind you, the Summer Sun Celebration involves the sun. If the sun does not come out, we are going to miss the entire Celebration. Hay, that navy color the sky gets with the sun too low gives me the creeps! Give me night, or give me day, but don’t give me whatever that is!
The farmers are complaining, by the way. Sure, they like a healthy rainfall as much as anyone, especially in Spring. But you know what else Applejack says crops need? Sunlight. Oh, and Pinkie Pie says trees can drown if we let too much rain fall, but when I asked how she just said they can’t swim. So unless you want a whole growing season to go bye-bye with no Zap Apple Jam, or in fact any other apple stuff, we need to be able to clear out the clouds, and let the sun shine.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering what in the wide, wide world of Equestria leaky rain is, it’s when the news of upcoming rain leaks because weatherponies can only keep so many secrets. After all, Scootaloo sees her big sister going out each day before dawn to prepare massive nonstop clouds and rainstorms, despite the fact that none of the Equestrian Almanac's weather calendars for this year called for months of nonstop rain. We’re waaaay off-course for this time in the season. Scoots is gonna figure it out, and when Scootaloo figures it out, the Foal Free Press figures it out.
Maybe you could at least shine enough sun to get it to warm up? Cold rain is the absolute worst to work in! Your fur gets soaked, your wings get waterlogged, and the freeze gets into your skin. You do realize pegasi need our fur and feathers to stay warm at cloud-level altitudes, right? That with everypony soaked, we’re catching colds and feather-flus at record rates? And then we’re short of staff and have to work even harder to get the cloud-cover out every day!
By the way, Twilight found something very interesting in the Equestrian Employment Code. Apparently under section Apple-Horseshoe-Horseshoe-Rainbow-point-5A of the Noble Crown Employees Act[1] passed after the Blueblood Rebellion of 1562, ponies who work for the Crown are in fact allowed to engage in labor actions[2], whenever the Crown starts acting like “Stultus adverso imperiosae”. Twilight also says that’s exactly what I think you’re acting like, sooo…
We weatherponies are forming a union. We’re on strike now! The gentle weather pegasus shall no longer suffer the laziness and exploitation of the Diarchy!
Arise ye workhorses from your naps[3]! Arise ye embarrassed at wing injuries! For thunderclouds in revolt now thunder, and at last ends the age of telling your little sister she can’t play outside. Away with all your reliance on alicorns. Servile masses, arise, arise! We’ll change henceforth the old tradition, and spurn the fog to win the prize.
With the help of the Earth Pony farmers and our cool new bandannas, we will buck the working mare’s apple right through the windows of Canterlot’s Castle of Servitude! We will not return to work until we get regular moonsets, regular sunrises, free cider on Fridays, and bring-your-turtle-to-work days twice a month in the summer! Oh, and a hospital insurance plan for trainee flyers, too!
If you want to negotiate, we’ll be found blockading the airspace outside Cloudsdale. Nopony takes a cloud out of Cloudsdale until our demands are met. Nopony brings a waterspout into Cloudsdale until our demands are met. While you don’t let us bring Tank to work, we’re not making any weather, let alone any rainbows. It’s all out, like cider after Pinkie Pie’s finally had enough to get drunk.
You can all just deal however the Everfree Forest does until the sun is firmly raised. Don’t like it? Our coalition of the Equestrian Friendly Democratic Labor Party, the Republican Sisterhoovists of Equestria, Sisterhoovist Alternative, the Ponies’ Front of Jumping, the Jumping Ponies’ Front, the Cottage-Industrial Workhorses of the World, and Fluttershy’s Animals’ Liberation Tea Party will smash your borj-waw system in a glorious revolution! We will begin by building Sisterhoovism, and eventually move all of Equestria into a literal bright new dawn of Neighborism!
Your ever-faithful weather pony,
Rainbow Dash
[1] -- Dear Princess Celestia, I wrote this bit! -- Twilight Sparkle
[2] -- Dear Princess Celestia, I had to explain to her this has nothing to do with foals. Equestria seriously needs more informative posters and pamphlets explaining labor law. -- Twilight Sparkle
[3] -- Oh Faust, Starlight Glimmer’s been giving her those pamphlets again. -- Twilight Sparkle
Dear Rainbow Dash, newly appointed Princess of Weather, Speed, and the Sun,
You do it, you pertinax asinae. I can still read Medieval Destrieran. My tiara is enclosed. Luna and myself will be eagerly watching your first days as Princess, getting shitfaced off the Cakes by the Ocean in our hooves. Honestly, it’s her idea, and sweet Faust do I love her for it.
We hope your revolutionary new society works out well, and doesn’t at all degrade into another muffinless hellhole like Our Town did the last time Starlight tried this. When will you idealists learn that a proper society must be ruled by alicorn ponies empowered by the magic of the Tree of Harmony?
Ever yours,
Celestia
Dear Retired Celestia,
You know, turning Rainbow Dash’s entirely legitimate request to actually raise the sun into what the Stable-Street Journal is calling, “the strike that busted unions” might not have been a good idea.
Your faithful student,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Author's Note
Honestly, it's been terrible weather for a while, and once I got going on that riff, well, Neighborism will triumph!
