Celestia was looking over a letter when Discord arrived. The letter was the first curious thing. It was from Ponyville, more specifically, from Twilight Sparkle inquiring about a list of missing objects. It appeared that something had eaten her quills. Every single one of them. That wasn't ignoring the matter of Rarity's orange fabric — only the orange fabric — and a whole host of oddly specific things across the town vanishing over the course of a few months.
She skimmed the letter dutifully, confused as to why Fluttershy never reported her flower pots being stolen. Surely, if the crime had been reported to the Royal Gaurd, the problem would have been investigated and solved by now.
Royal duties kept Celestia from hearing all but the smallest bits of news from Ponyville — especially with Hearth's Warming only a few weeks away.
The second curiosity was not Discord himself, but the circumstance of his arrival. He was happy, as he usually was, and Celestia heard his voice before she saw him. He was singing off-key again, in the way that always made her smile feel more than reflexive.
She put the teacup she had been sipping from down onto the saucer that held it and stood up. She certainly needed to have a word with the chaos god that loved to slither about the halls of the castle when he wasn't running around with Fluttershy, Twilight, and company in Ponyville or boasting of the latest addition to his god's world of Chaosville.
When she saw him finally burst through her chamber door and stride across the room clownishly, she turned and saw that he looked rather fatigued, but still cheerful.
A smile pulled at the corners of her mouth. A more professional smile than she would have liked to greet him with.
"Dissy..." She noted the large bundle he was carrying, wrapped in cloth. Her stomach sunk with uncertainty. "Where have you been the past couple of months?" she managed. "It's nearly November and I don't understand why you didn't show up for Nightmare Night at least— "
"Celly-belly," he grinned a goofy grin, snaggletooth in plain view as excitement shone brightly in his eyes. "I have a surprise!"
"Discord," Celestia said, suddenly a bit stern. She put the letters down on her table and turned her back to the window that provided her with the sunlight she had been reading by. It was too cold to use the balcony.
She didn't get another word out.
"It's a surprise for you!"
She was about to continue. As passive as she appeared right now, she wanted to remind him that he almost missed her birthday — November sixth wasn't that far away after all — and that she hadn't heard a word from him. She wasn't sure that anypony else had either, which was no doubt worrying for all of Discord's friends. Did he have anything to do with the incidents in Ponyville? Perhaps he knew about them. She knew that draconequui, or at least Discord — who was among the last of the species — often ate some of the strangest things. She had seen him chewing cans, after all.
Celestia wanted to remind him that she hadn't seen him since last summer began, at the last meeting of the world's remaining gods and that not knowing where he was for months — more specifically, him leaving without a word to anypony, especially her — had hurt her feelings considerably. There had always been some mention of where was going — or a postcard, at least. Distance had never dulled their romance before.
But she did not receive any, nor could she bring herself to speak of such matters right now. There were more urgent things to discuss, and the needs of her ponies were always greater than her own. She frowned passively and gave him the stern look of a disappointed teacher. It wasn't a face she wore often, but wasn't unusual to see her with — with Sunset Shimmer it had been a common sight.
Discord managed to plop his bundle of blankets onto the chair across from Celestia. She stared at the garish array of quilts and other blankets in confusion. Why had it made such a loud thud? What was wrapped in there? How heavy was it?
She was tempted to take a sip of tea to clear her mind. She needed tranquility, which was something tea often provided for her. Especially in recent months.
Discord pulled some of the blankets away from the bundled object, which Celestia just noted, was the size of four or so infant foals.
She blinked upon seeing the contents of the blanket, thoroughly bewildered. "It's an egg."
It was an egg, And a very large one. Only Discord's overjoyed smile seemed to come close to rivaling it in size. "It is!"
"Discord," Celestia said with a false calm, "why do you have such a large egg?"
"It's not a dragon egg," he said helpfully.
"I know, Dissy." She looked at the pale pink surface that reminded her of a dawn sky — or her mane when she was younger. She had seen no dragon egg like this ever, for there are things that even a goddess will not see depending on how she lives. "But what I would like to know isn't if it's a dragon egg. I want to know why it's here and where you've been—"
Discord tapped his claw to the egg's surface lightly. "You don't remember?"
Celestia stared at his puppy dog eyes, wondering why he sounded so hurt and why this was happening and-
"Please just explain the egg, Discord." There. "I'm worried about a giant egg suddenly being in your company and then brought into my chambers. Who laid this egg?"
"Oh," he waved a paw and smiled easily. "I laid the egg."
Celestia gave him a perplexed, concerned, and slightly scared look. She promptly tucked some of her waving mane to the side so that her even paler coat was visible.
"What...?" she managed, voice soft and hoarse. The sudden shock had drained much of the little color her coat had.
"Well," Discord began, watching Celestia sip her tea, "I laid this egg just as my father laid my egg. That is what I've been up to — oh and the cravings—" He waved his claw this time, made a small snort, and smiled. "They were simply outrageous. Fluttershy was kind enough to, ah, lend me her flower pots. That's what friends are for." He beamed at her. "She even helped me build a nest!"
Celestia nodded as if in a trance. It was the only thing she could think to do. She also didn't want to spill her tea. Should she have suspected Discord earlier? Should she have pressed Fluttershy for a bit more information? Would it have helped?
She ignored the questions and returned her focus to the present. Setting her tea down — again — Celestia took a deep breath and looked at Discord. "Male draconequui... lay eggs."
She was sure that she should have phrased that as a question. However, with Discord, some questions were better unasked.
"Yes."
A sticker with a smiling Discord giving a thumbs-up appeared on Celestia's necklace. Normally, this would make her laugh, but this had turned out to be... well, entirely not normal. Even less normal than what she expected of Discord and—
She put on a calm expression and smiled reassuringly. It was the best thing for the both of them that she remained calm. "Well, I suppose we learn something new every day, hmm?"
Discord smiled and clapped. Instantly, Celestia's coat turned purple and a graduate's cap sat upon her head. "Like teacher, like student," he mumbled, but not unkindly.
Celestia laughed, and a bit nervously as well, but she tried to hide that. Maybe she just needed a little coffee to get through this. Or a lot. Or something else altogether. Perhaps she ought to sprinkle a modest dose of whale tranquilizer in her tea and then go take a nap.
"So..." It was the question she was regretting that she had to ask. Celestia cleared her throat. She was not Luna, who was blunt and honest. She was herself, the Princess-Goddess of the Sun and she talked and talked with ponies. She was calm and sugarcoated with ease, and managed to hold her own hoof through conversations as much as she did her subjects' hooves. She was not direct, and not quite subtle.
"Who is the sire...?" Her voice was like a whisper.
She wanted to cry, just a little, but she did not. She would not. It was not that she perceived him as being disloyal to her in any capacity — Celestia loved him with all her heart and he returned the feelings in kind. It's just that neither of them was exclusive to one another by their own agreements. Lesser dalliances with other well-aware stallions could happen if she wished it, and he was free to have any willing mortal mares here and there, if he wished it. Her want for tears was born entirely out of stress, whereas that would not be exclusively so if their relationship agreement had been just slightly different.
Discord jumped up and began to float as he sometimes did, grinning at her with a smile so cheesy that Celestia felt the need to mimic the look and put on her own weak smile. Just for now. He snapped his digits and a bright, cheery banner was strung across her often quiet, and most always plain, stately chambers.
And they clearly said that Celestia was going to be...
...a father?!
She didn't question it. She didn't. Not one bit. Celestia just looked at the banner with her mouth slightly agape and struggling for words, no matter how empty. She thinks she might remember a few things now. The kind of recollections that could explain what had shaped the possibility that she was capable of acting as the sire to any creation. Clues, maybe? Or maybe not. Perhaps what she was trying to recall was no more than the usual quirks of dating Discord.
What she did know is that she was staring vacantly with watery magenta eyes at this banner.
"Surprise!" Discord cheered, casually slipping a party hat onto her head.
It had been ages since she felt anything like butterflies in her stomach or a heartbeat quickened from nerves. She was not used to the feeling of her legs being weak or her mask being broken or anything at all like this.
She was not a mare prone to silence. She hated it.
But she was silent.
She stared.
And stared some more.
Then Celestia, for the first time in ages upon ages, fainted dead away.
...
"...No, no. That isn't what I meant, Discord. Not at all. This is all so much, and so soon. There has been so much change in the world — yes, there's been you, my sister's return, the matters involving King Sombra, and Twilight Sparkle and Cadance, demigods..." She sighed heavily. "I've said it once and will say it again: there is lots of change... Twilight Sparkle has stopped her adventures. She and her friends have matured. Cadance rules her Empire... You made friends."
Discord pushed a bowl of sugar cubes towards Celestia. He had conjured it as a peace offering for her when she came to. It also went well with her tea.
"There's been us too. Who would have ever thought that after all that's happened, you'd finally come around to old Dissy, hmm?" He snapped the digits on his claw halfheartedly and a wreath of flowers appeared. He draped them around the egg sitting in his lap like a crown before deciding that a balloon crown would be much better. "Isn't the draconequus next door just too reformed not to pass up? You aren't going to be like your sister, are you? Ditch all of your silly Harmony babble and start keeping the company of—"
Celestia slapped him with a tissue. It had not been used, so all was well. "She's going through a phase, Dissy, and Luna has not 'ditched' Harmony, nor is it silly. We are together because of it, and I am thankful for it," she said with a warm, if still uneasy smile.
"Eggbert does not think that his Auntie Luna is just going through a phase," Discord said, crossing his arms and giving a very poor imitation of a plucky child.
Celestia gave a frown in the direction of both 'Eggbert' and Discord. "We aren't going to call our child that. The first kirin coming from immortal bloodlines... oh, it's too grand..." Celestia trailed off. "A kirin deserves a more fitting name. And Auntie Luna is just going through a phase. We all do. Of my ten previous lovers, I can safely say that at least two might've been best described as that, no matter how constant my taste in stallions is."
"Ponies are boring," Discord said, crossing his arms once more and looking somewhere between humorous and moody.
"Fluttershy is a pony," Celestia reminded him, sipping her tea. Discord's idea for sweetening tea was to dump all of the sugar in it. In all her years, Celestia had drunk far worse and kept her expression that of serenity as she drank the disgusting mixture — not that she'd ever tell anypony it was disgusting.
"Fluttershy kicks bears," Discord reasoned. "Anypony that can kick bears without being mauled must be special."
"What do you consider special, Discord?" Celestia asked distantly, taking another dainty sip of tea.
"Is this a trick question?" Discord asked, stroking his chin in thought and looking at Celestia suspiciously. "Will I be getting any friendship points if I answer correctly?"
"It isn't a trick question, no," Celestia replied, looking at Discord with slight curiosity. "But I must ask, what are friendship points?"
Discord waggled his eyebrows at Celestia, and she instantly understood. In fact, she understood him so well that she let a little snort slip, and it was only slightly undignified.
"'Friendship' indeed, Dissy," she mumbled into her tea.
One of Discord's eyebrows began to float away when he refused to stop, and Celestia, face with the stern expression of a determined monarch, shooed it away regally. This happened surprisingly often.
Discord leered no longer but watched in horror as Celestia drove his eyebrow and him farther apart and let out a completely masculine scream as he grabbed for the missing feature frantically, only moving the precious egg out of the way before he flailed his noodle-like form about. Eventually, the eyebrow was back in its proper place and Celestia resumed her tea drinking with an expression of matronly calm that could commit no eyebrow related crimes. Discord made a face vaguely like a pout in her direction. It ended up more resembling one trying to imitate a moody scowl by living off nothing but the juices of a thousand lemons.
She sipped tea passively. "Well, Dissy. Do you have an answer for me? What do you feel is special to you?"
Smiling, Discord held up the egg proudly and watched as its pink surface glistened in the sunlight.
Celestia smiled genuinely and discreetly wiped at her eyes with a tissue that had been lying about from earlier. "I'm a teacher, Discord, and I have been ever since..." She looked out the window and said nothing, shifting uncomfortably as the silence grew, only to break it abruptly for this very reason. "I have never had a foal," she said with conviction, "and I have only ever had students, Faithful or otherwise. I was not their mother and they were not my foals. That was our relationship. To some, I might be one that they considered a friend, but a rather professional one and nothing more. All of Equestria might call me 'Matron' but that is purely figurative. If I was a stallion, they would call me 'Father' for the same reason, and I would not protest it."
Discord stole a sugar cube and gobbled it up like popcorn.
"But I am not a mother..." She sighed heavily, but without emotion, only weight. "Not until now. I really have not ever wanted to be... but now I am."
"Technically, you're the father," Discord said between sugar cubes.
Celestia sighed again, and though the reason was different, it sounded the same. "I am a ruler to my little ponies, and a teacher... but a mother? No, not at all. I have duties, but none of them are parental in any way. To raise a child, a kirin... Do I even have the time? I work so much, and I would not want to neglect a child who needs attention to grow. My ponies need me, and I've always put them first..."
Trailing off, she looked to her partner who sat across from her with a posture she did not see as enviable. "What are we going to do? I'm not like you — I don't have so much time in the world to dote on others and devote the energy a child would require on them. It wouldn't be enough, it would be wrong of me to try—"
A paw touched her gold-clad forehoof. "Celestia...?"
"I'm sorry," she sniffled, and it was not an empty apology. "This wasn't expected at all. I never counted on our relationship would lead to this-" Celestia saw that her emphasis of the last word made Discord flinch and wrap his claw around the egg. Their egg.
"Do you hate—"
"No, no!" Celestia cried, clutching his paw tighter and flinching at the sound of her own voice — her calm voice, her princess voice, her Always Voice crumbling just enough to scare her. "I love the child in there, but... It's a cautious love, Discord. I wasn't ready for this. I may have an infinite lifespan, but it is time that I lack — time that I would not unjustly take away from my little ponies..."
She didn't realize that the teacup was still held in her magic until she dropped it, and a few delayed reactions later, thanked herself for having drunk all the sugary mess in it.
"I-I—"
"Celly," Discord said. "It's not that bad-"
"'Bad' isn't the word that I would use," she whispered. "Not bad. Disorderly...? I don't know..."
"What if," Discord began, tapping his chin and tracing his claw along the surface of the egg's shell. "We gave you the time to raise our little girl?"
"Girl?" Celestia asked numbly, mane spilling into her face. She didn't bother to adjust the sparkling strands.
"The egg is pink. It must be a girl."
Celestia managed half a nod. "Go on..."
He flicked a claw around her chambers. The sitting room was informal compared to other parts of the castle, but still, no place to keep children. "We don't live together — Chaosville and Canterlot Castle would never mix. And is that a gilded lampshade, Celestia? Hm, it must be new, because I don't recall seeing that before—"
"It isn't gilded, Dissy, just gold-colored. You should know by now that I adore anything that is pink or gold."
"True..." He summoned a bunch of pink and yellow flowers for her before continuing. "What if we changed up order a bit? Switched things up every now and then. One year with me, wherever I'll be — Chaosville, Fluttershy's cottage—"
Celestia smiled weakly. "And what if Fluttershy finally settles down with somepony? Then how will you be the guest of honor?"
Discord looked absolutely mortified. "How can she possibly say 'no' to me? We're friends!"
Celestia's expected chuckle sounded just as weak, and only lasted briefly. "I'm only kidding. Please. Go on. I haven't stopped listening, you know."
Discord snapped the digits on his talon again, and a stick decorated with colored beads and a few bright, soft feathers appeared grasped in them. A label attached to it with a ribbon proclaimed it to be a 'talking stick' and according to the price tag still left on it, the trinket cost eight bits.
"A year living with me and then a year living with you. It can't be so bad, can it?" Discord intended the question to be rhetorical, but Celestia didn't think of it as such. She watched the surface of the egg, pearly pink exposed to the soft sunlight and wrapped in a hodgepodge of blankets.
"It's worth a try," she said softly. "Who knows what might happen?"
Author's Note
~~The title is so fucking morbid in hindsight.~~
[Revised for print on 11/17/2020]
