HELP!! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED!!! Or, something.

by deadpansnarker

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Mystery, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 1609

It's typical.One minute, an innocent mare is minding her own business, the next she's being bundled into the back of a vehicle, naked and alone.Who knows what fate awaits this poor soul? Caution: those of a nervous disposition, get out while you can.

It's typical. One minute, an innocent mare is totally minding her own business, the next she's being bundled into the back of a vehicle, naked and alone. Who knows what fate awaits this poor soul? Caution: those of a nervous disposition, get out while you can.

Seriously, I mean it. Oh, and there are no proper character tags for a reason.

Published 2017-06-12 04:20:05 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-12 04:20:05 UTC

Just another ordinary, non-binary day, wwhheenn...

It was a lovely summer's day, as was per the norm in Ponyville. The ongoing drought was killing thousands of crops a day, possibly leading to rampant food shortages in the future and subsequent countless deaths by starvation and malnutrition, but meh.

The sky was blue, the sun was orange and the birds were making out with the bees. Or, so is my understanding. Sounds interesting, though. Somepony should really develop an OC based around their misbegotten offsprin... oops, already done the first day DeviantArt launched. Never mind.

Anyway, a mare was leaving her charmingly rustic house. I would thoroughly describe her appearance, or call her by her generally accepted first and last name... but that would give the game away, right? And we all love surprises! Well, some of us. And if you don't, get out while you still can. This ain't the fic for you.

Whatever her business was is somewhat irrelevant to the story. Let's just say... she was going to sniff the flowers at the local park. Yeah, that'll work. If you have any better ideas, please do hesitate to contact me.

Sadly, her little nosie was destined to never get within a few feet of the posies and rosies, for no sooner had one hoof set foot outside the cottage, she was ambushed. Are we feeling tense yet? I know I am... unclenches buttocks

The two dastardly perpetrators were enshrouded in dark cloth, making them nigh on impossible to identify in any kind of parade: military, identity, Pride or otherwise. It was also highly noticeable that one was considerably taller and bulkier than their fellow ne'er do well... let's just name one Little and the other Large. Ingenious, no? Well, I bet you can't do any better.

In any case, the imaginatively titled Little immediately went to trip our somewhat surprised protagonist up, while Large stuffed her in a massive canvas bag as she faltered. There was a bit of intense screaming going on of course at the scene of the crime, but alas the early worm mare had decided to rise at 4 a.m on the dot when the blooms were at their most fragrant, and so all of her neighbours were still safely in Luna's clutches. Very inconvenient for her safety, it has to be said. But convenient enough for this story to be told. Yay.

Before she knew just what the frell was going on, the mare was already being deposited onto the back of some rickety old deathtrap and away she went, bouncing along the main path at a record speed with no thought for road safety or passing hedgehogs at all. It was almost as if the criminals didn't want to be caught, or something. Unbelievable.

Very inconsiderate they were too, these most shadiest of shady characters. Not only had they wrecked her carefully organised schedule for the rest of the day, they'd also done her the discourtesy of grabbing her just before she was about to lock the door. Now, if somepony went into her abode and rifled through all the old magazines and sat on her chair, on her abductors' heads be it.

What? You thought they'd do something worse than that? In PONYVILLE?! Get real. This is the kinda place where if you stepped in some equine droppings, you'd worry about squishing any innocent bacteria that may be lurking within.

Back to the present. Our poor victim finds herself being bounced along, feeling the impact of every individual pebble as the ancient wheels of this bumpy getaway cart chunters over them. Safe to say, this archaic vehicle wasn't exactly built with suspension in mind. Always read the paperwork first.

Not having a ship as a cutie mark began to be a major hindrance (little clue for you there, guessing fans) as she began to feel a lil bit queasy. Fortunately, she managed to hold in her seedy vomit... when you're stuck in an enclosed space covered in puke for miles and miles, it's not an altogether pleasant experience. Ask anyone holding a sick baby on a crowded bus: they'll understand.

Her continued shouts of "Help!!" Didn't seem to help her cause, either... the flexible material which covered her from head to tail was tough, durable and came with a twelve month guarantee. In Equestria, nopony can hear you scream. Somehow though, she could still inhale and exhale, almost as the nasties that nabbed her wanted her to stay alive for the duration of the uncomfortable journey. She'd almost thank them, if they hadn't done, you know, all that other highly illegal stuff.

At last, at long, long last, the tortuous ride was over, and that jalopy of a wagon finally came to a screeching halt. If it actually had any brakes, they must've been retired yonks ago. All furtive attempts at escape for our quivering-like-a-jelly mare had been totally futile, and now she could only lie in darkness to await her inevitably terrible fate.

W-What's going to happen to me?! she paled, thinking of all the things she'd not had the chance to do and now never would. This morning, I didn't have a care in the world, but now I'm probably never going to found, at least in one piece. Which is okay I suppose, since that show should've been canceled ages ago. But still... My mother, my brother, my pet snail called Orko: I won't see them again, and they didn't even get to say goodbye. I hope they can somehow get over my disappearance one day and move on with their lives, after the protracted fight over my meagre possessions concludes, obviously.

All of these optimistic thoughts spun through her head as the driver and their accomplice swiftly approached the back of the cart, to grab her heavy sack and unceremoniously tip her out of it onto the musty, dusty ground. Slightly blinded by the unfamiliar daylight for a few brief moments, but also dreading the countless horrors which awaited the second she opened her eyes, the mare dared to sneak a peek at what lay ahead in her no doubt tragically curtailed young life...

It was a whole bunch of apples. A large farm. A dog. And a friendly looking orange pony, wearing a hat.

"Well howdy there, again..." Applejack offered a cordial greeting to her somewhat shocked guest. "I can't help but feel that we got off on the wrong hoof yesterday. All night I've been tossin' and turnin', wondering how I could amends to ya for my disgraceful conduct yesterday... then, at the break of dawn, it finally hit me!"

She then signalled to the two heaps of fruit by her side, before giving her special visitor a little wink. "Apples. Tons of 'em. They're the best of the best, picked just for you. Have as much as you want... I'm sure you'll soon agree, they're much nicer than the usual rubbish ya eat. I'll turn ya into a convert, if it's the last thing I do. Incidentally, sorry for the hush-hush nature of your lift here, but I knew you'd never come otherwise. Allow me to introduce you to your chauffeur and his lovely assistant..."

The two goons who'd frogmarched their unwilling passenger all the way there removed their disguises... to be revealed as none other than Big Mac and Apple Bloom. They nodded pleasantly at the mare they'd just snatched from her own front door, subjected to the most terrifying of ordeals before dumping her on the dirty, stinky soil by their sister. Still, no harm done, eh?

"I think Winona thinks you should eat that one..." Applejack mused, as her dog barked at a particularly tasty-looking piece of fruit. The mare wasn't listening however, a strange maelstrom of emotions buzzed around her head, before something clicked and once more calmness and clarity prevailed.

"I'll have that one, please..." she gestured at a slightly bruised looking apple, near the bottom of the mound.

Applejack scratched the back of her head, somewhat perplexed at the selection. "Are ya sure 'bout that? I can guarantee there's much better..."

"No, that's the one I want. It's perfect for my needs, thank you." The mare was not a pony for changing her mind.

"Well, if you're absolutely sure..." Unwilling to get into yet another argument with her guest, the farm pony abided by her wishes and picked it out.

"Thanks." The mare said plainly, before examining it with great interest. "Yes, I reckon this is ideal for my purpose."

"Is that so?" Applejack raised an intrigued eyebrow at this revelation. "Well, it takes all sorts, I guess. Are you sure I can't get you to change your mind and..."

SPLODGE!

The rotten, stinky old apple was smushed right onto the end of Applejack's muzzle as Strawberry Sunrise turned around and headed straight back home, murmuring obscenities all the way back that would no doubt be edited out later for syndication.

Turning to her two shrugging siblings in confusion with rancid apple juice dribbling down her chin, Applejack looked suitably befuddled by what had just transpired.

"Now what in tarnation was all that about?!"

Author's Note

It's now been roughly a week since the launch of the brand new spanking website... and what do to celebrate it? Why, write a very silly story, of course. Yay! :yay:

Of course, this fic probably wouldn't have made a lick'o sense if you haven't watched Honest Apple, so if that's you you'd better climb back in your time machine now before the premiere and see it, before reading this delightful tale once more. Sounds simple enough. :moustache: