My strange friends, clinical insanity is magic.

by SilverBoulder

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Gore, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, DJ P0N-3, Dark, Human, Main 6, Nightmare Moon, Princess Luna, Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Sex
Length: 88616

me and my buds in ponyville = class 5 shitstorm

Disclaimer: The EBL (Equestrian Board of Literature) has rated this book BBGO (Big Boys and Girls Only) for:

Drug use
Use of alcohol
scenes of graphic and descriptive violence
graphic scenes of sexual intercourse
graphic descriptions of interspecies sex
graphic descriptions of disturbing scenes
Scenes of graphic and cruel brutality
scenes of graphic animal cruelty
liberal use of course language
use of racial and/or ethnic slurs
use of controversial and/or unsettling topics
blood and gore

Update: Done. I really don't know what to do now. Danny finally got a life and moved, so I can't just stop by at his place and do writing with him all the time. So I guess this is the part where i tell you there's no sequel, so be sad I suppose.

Anyway, description: Generic and shallow characters, bad writing, and its a dark, adventure comedy. It appeals to those who need a pick-me-up. If you need a laugh, read this sick filth. Otherwise, go home.

note to people who read the description: waifufags and husbandofags are permitted and encouraged. So get out there and comment about waifus.

Published 2012-07-12 03:14:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-08 17:31:24 UTC

the road to Zi... nevermind

If I was not already crazy, I probably would have gone crazy just then. I was in a forest in a children's show. Good thing Danny wasn't awake to tell me my argument was invalid.

*Groan* "What happened dude?"

Dammit.

It took Danny about four seconds to look up into the sky and figure it out. I savored those four seconds of silence. They would likely be the last seconds of peace before the storm of annoying comments about how I must be wrong. Daniel looked up and saw Rainbow Dash peeking through a hole in the clouds. Here we go.

"Dude, we're in Equestria."

"Yes Danny, why don't you put that on a post-it note and label it 'shit I figured out already'. eh?"

"Your argument is invalid dude."

"I'm not arguing."

"Damn right you aren't, cause it would be invalid anyway."

"You done?"

"Fuck no, I'm just getting started."

"Can we discuss this later?"

"How about no?"

"How about we're in a dangerous forest with a fat guy, a fatter guy, and an unconscious small guy with a broken arm."

"How do you know it's broken?"

"Lifeguard."

Of course, Glenn picked that moment to wake his ass up.

"What happened? Why can't I move my left arm?"

"It's broken." Me and Danny spoke simultaneously.

"Great, just great. What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

"Are you guys for real?" Rainbow Dash called down form the clouds.

"Who was that?" Asked Glenn.

"No one." I said quickly. The last thing we needed was for him to freak out and screw his arm up even more.

"I'm not no one. I'm rainbow Dash! Fastest flyer in Equestria.

I facepalmed, it was about the only thing I could think of doing just then.

"Who just said that?" Glenn was looking like he was about to go into cardiac arrest.

"OK. Glenn, do not freak out, but.."

We're in the everfree forest in Equestria dude! Rainbow Dash is right over there, and Kyle's argument is invalid."

I was pretty much resigned to the fact that I would have to deal with either a heart attack, an unconscious victim, or a seizure by that point. I also told myself that I would rather dig a shallow grave with my hands and murder my friend than deal with this for a walk lasting longer than five minutes. Fortunately, Glenn didn't pass out, or have a seizure, or a heart attack.

"OK." Said Glenn simply.

"Seriously?" I was legitamately surprised.

"Yep, I've pretty much given up hope of ever having a normal day."

"Okay then. What do you think we should do next?" I asked simply

"You're a lifeguard now, fix his arm and let's ask Rainbow Dash the way to Ponyville, and on the way I will bash you until you admit I am right." Danny seemed too cheerful. Who was I kidding? He was hardcore brony, he converted me after all. I couldn't deny that I was pretty happy too. That still wouldn't stop me from being weirded out though.

"Clearly you don't understand what a lifeguard does, I'm like Doc from RvB, I just sit there with people as they die and say that everything will be alright."

"Are you serious?"

"No. You think I'd be caught dead in purple armor?"

"Can't you do something?"

"Sure, but I

'll need your undershirt."

"OK, whatever, here."

Danny took his shirt off and hesitantly gave it to me. I took a moment to look at the thing, a plain purple cotton shirt. Long sleeves in record heat? He was crazy for a reason I guessed. I took out the SOG arms survival knife that I carry with me and cut the sleeves off the shirt.

"What the hell dude?"

"I need it for a sling, I'll buy you another one later."

"I don't give a shit about the shirt, it's from a garage sale. When the hell did you start carrying a combat knife?"

"It's a survival knife, and I got it about three days ago."

It didn't take long to get the sling made. It's actually quite easy when you learn it.

"Now what?" Asked Glenn as he he scratched at the sling.

"Now, we ask Dash the way to the nearest town." Danny said triumphantly.

"Oh sure, cause I give strange monsters with weapons directions to towns full of possible victims all the time." Shouted rainbow dash sarcastically.

"Oh right. Forgot about the rampant xenophobia and racism that permeates Ponyville like a stinking cloud." I said to myself. In hindsight, I probably should have expected something akin to that.

"What if we Pinkie promise to be nice, er, not kill or seriously injure anypony that is?" I called up to Dash.

"How do you know about Pinkie promises?" She seemed genuinely surprised about that one.

"It's a long, science filled story, I think we should just tell it to Twilight."

Rainbow Dash just stared down at us in shock for a moment. It was clear she was unused to random new species asking to see friends they shouldn't even know about.

"How do you know about Twilight? Are you a spy?" She shouted down angrily.

"Great job genius. How about you let me handle this?" Said Danny Calmly.

"So listen Dash, we are in serious trouble right now, and we could use a loyal pony to help us out."

'Seriously?' I thought to myself. There was no way that was going to work.

"Fine, I'll take you to Twilight, But no funny business, or you'll be sorry.

Did that really just work?

"Follow me, Ponyville's this way." Shouted Dash as she began flying.

"When did you become a silver-tongue?" I was still trying to figure how that worked.

"I was always good at talking my way into and out of things. Like the time I got a gas station owner to give me ten bucks."

" Let me guess, You used the whole Nixon, 'I would gladly pay you twenty dollars tomorrow, for ten bucks today' thing." I said annoyedly.

"Yep."

"You never payed him back did you."

"Nope."

"Cheap bastard."

"Yep."

"When did you turn into Big Macintosh?"

"Is that what she said?"

"No it absolutely isn't."

He decided to randomly end the conversation there, so we continued walking through the dense wood in blessed silence for a few minutes.

"Does anyone else think rainbow Dash is hot?" Daniel randomly muttered to both of us. Glenn completely ignored it and continued walking in silence. I on the other hand, reflexively replied.

"WHAT?!?!" I said loudly and with large amounts of disgust.

"I'm pansexual dude, I'd do anything." he replied evenly.

"I don't think that word means what you think it means. Pansexual just means you like trannies and dickgirls in addition to regular men and women."

"Which I do."

"Do NOT fuckin' remind me."

"I think you just don't want to admit that Corruption of Champions gave you a weird boner."

"I got the opposite of a boner from that dude, I'm pretty sure my balls went up into my body and sterilized themselves from reading that, and yet you were the one who quit after you lost your anal virginity. In the game of course, I hope."

"I beat it later."

"Yeah, when no one was there to see it."

"No, Glenn was there."

"Glenn?"

"Dude, don't involve me in this." After that, we again lapsed into silence.

After about another half hour of walking while having increasingly disturbing conversations on topics too controversial to even think about. We finally reached the outskirts of Ponyville.

"Well, this is it, Ponyville. I'm Rainbow Dash by the way, and you guys are." She was doubtlessly expecting names, great. The last thing we needed was for Daniel to get on a first name basis with a talking pony, and one of his favorite ones at that. God help us if Pinkie got to know him.

"I'm Kyle." I said simply.

"Kyle what?" Dash asked weirdly.

"My last name is long and German, Kyle is easier."

"What's German?"

"Das is Deutch." I said in a terrible German accent.

"What?" If her eyebrow was razed anymore, it wouldn't be attached to her face anymore.

"Nevermind. This is Danny and Glenn." I said as I pointed to each one respectively.

"You guys have really weird names."

"Trust me, our last names sound even weirder." I said matter-of-factly

"Uh-huh, well, Twilight's house is this way." Said Dash as she gestured with a hoof in the general direction we were going.

"Could you hold up a second? We need to talk to each other for a bit." I said to Dash as I turned to speak to my friends.

"What's your problem Kyle?" Said Danny rather loudly.

"SShh. Listen guys, I think we need to set some ground rules here." I whispered as we huddled together.

"Like what?" Danny whispered.

"Firstly, no references to friendship kinky, no memes, and for the love of God, do not try to have sex with a pony."

"And what if I planned to do all those things?"

"For Christ's sake Danny, do you want to screw everything in this place up?"

"Yep, and down."

"You're unbelievable."

"Bitch please, I'm Daniel."

At that moment, a strange feeling came over me, like when you find something you forgot you had lost. I suddenly got the urge to reach up to Danny's face. I did, and then I somehow literally zipped Danny's mouth shut. For a second he was in too much shock to do anything, but then he unzipped his mouth, and unfortunately began speaking again.

"How the fuck did you just do that?" He shouted.

"It's magic."

"Seriously, h-"

"IT'S MAGIC."

"Fine."

We again walked in silence for a few minutes. I sung Petra's 'Road to Zion' to myself while we were walking. There was, unsurprisingly, no one (nopony?) in the street. Considering that Rainbow Dash's head didn't reach up past my waist, I could sympathize with them. I'd be scared of giants too.

"Remind me again why I didn't just leave you out in the forest." Dash said irritably.

"Because you like us." Daniel said confidently.

'Nice move cassanova, we're really fucked now.' I thought to myself.

"No, I like you, and the quiet one, It's the other big guy with the sword I was talking to."

'What? How and why the fuck am I the odd one out?' The shock of what I had just heard was registering on my face. My 'friends' were just too busy laughing to notice.

We finally reached Twilight's house a few minutes later (thank God), and Dash knocked on the door.

"Twilight? A new species of monkey wants to see you." Dash said loudly.

'Well that's a great way to make a first impression.' I was slightly annoyed that I was being immediately classified as a monkey. By a pony no less.

The door opened and a small purple dragon stood in the doorway. I was hoping he wouldn't notice the three people standing behind Dash, but God forbid I get what I hope for.

"A bit big to be monkeys don't you think?" Said Spike gloomily, so basically how he normally spoke on the show.

"Is twilight here?" Asked Dash.

"Yeah, but why do monkeys want to speak with Twilight?"

"How should I know? That's just what they said."

"When did monkeys learn to speak?"

I was debating whether I should Speak or just keep my mouth shut when Spike finally called for twilight and went back up to bed. Or that's what I assumed at least.

A purple unicorn was suddenly in the doorway. She seemed a bit down in the dumps at the moment, but then she looked past Dash and saw us, and her eyes suddenly got enormous like a kid's eyes get when he gets a new toy. I was not at all happy about that face.

"Dash, you said they were monkeys." She said quizzically.

"Yeah, they look like monkeys."

"They aren't monkeys." She said scoldingly. 'Finally, someone(pony?) who understands.'

"They don't have tails Dash, they are obviously apes." 'Fuckin' really?'

"Ahem, I... am...Twi-light spar-kle... do...you...un-der-stand...me." She was speaking to us like we were animals, which to be fair we were in this world, But still, if we didn't know the language, we weren't going to learn it because she spoke slowly.

"How...do...you...think...that...spea-king...slow-ly...will...help...us...learn...a...new...lan-gu-age...you...im-be-cile."

In hindsight, that was probably a bad first impression, but hell if I was gonna care what a cartoon pony thought.

*Gasp* "You speak Equestrian! Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! you have to tell me everything about everything about you! I just discovered a new species! This is amazing!" She was way too giddy for me to like anything about this, but we didn't really have a choice. We came into the house and found spots to get comfortable in.

"So, what is life like for your species?" She suddenly had a notepad and pencil, and prescription lenses. Daniel seemed ready to answer every question. This was going to be a long day. 'Fuck my life' I thought to myself as I settled into a corner to wait out the mini-hell that was Q&A with Twilight Sparkle.

The pink menace

"And that is how I made stainless steel rust." Danny said as he finished his story.

"Wow, I didn't know that was possible." Twilight said with evident surprise. She had been listening with rapt attention to every stupid story Danny and Glenn had told her for the last two hours. I couldn't quite figure out why I hadn't added my two cents to the conversation, but the reason was probably a dumb one.

"You should hear about the time I taught Kyle about rule thirty-fo-"

"Okay Danny, we don't need to hear that one again, ever." I was definately not going to let Twilight hear that one. Or anyone else for that matter.

"What's wrong with that story?" Twilight asked naively.

"That story is filled with obscene garbage and I refuse to let it see the light of day again." I said solemnly

"Okay, so, next question. How did you get here?"

"Wait, we've been here like three hours and that question hasn't been answered?" I couldn't help but feel like that was bullshit.

"Uh, No we never got to that. Haven't you been listening?"

"Not really."

"Okaaay, so how did you get here?"

"Well, daniel was dividing by zero."

"Why? anything divided by zero is undefined, nothing will really be accomplished by doing that."

"Yeah well, Danny here is obviously capable of doing things that shouldn't be possible."

"I know what that's like."

"Yeah, well anyway, a portal thing suddenly opened and transported us here. The end."

"That sounds ridiculous.'

"It wasn't any less ridiculous when it happened."

"Well then, that brings me to my next question. What is life like in your world."

'Seriously? What questions had Danny been answering for THREE FUCKING HOURS?'

"Weeelll." Danny began. Apparently I was doomed to be here for another couple of hours. At least Glenn had his DS. What the fuck was I going to do? A pink blur suddenly appeared in my peripheral vision. No, please tell me it isn't.

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! Are you new new in town? You must be new! I've never seen anything like you, and I know everypony and I mean EVERYPONY in Ponyville! I'm pretty sure I'd remember something as big as you! *Le Pinkie gasp* I have to throw a 'welcome to Ponyville giant ape-thing party!' *Le more Pinkie gasp* There's more than one of you? Oh this is great! I've never thrown a party for three talking apes before! That other time doesn't count!"

As Pinkie continued her nonsensical rant, I found suicide becoming increasingly preferable to continuing to live with what I was hearing.

"...And then the clown we hired turned out to be a really old donkey..."

How could she still be talking?

"...and then we smelled something really weird in the oven..."

Is she oblivious to the fact that I'm not listening?

"...cause we forgot the stripper was in the cake..."

I hope they have prescription meds I can O.D. on.

"...Then the clown had a seizure and people thought it was part of the act..."

Does she even have lungs?

"...and we found out that someone put acid in the punch..."

I wonder how long it would take her to realize I was dead?

"...So Berry Punch thought I was a cotton candy monster..."

I could slit my wrists right now, and she would not notice.

"...and after we cleaned up the blood, Pokey had to be hospitalized..."

I have this survival knife right here.

"...We had to bury the guy in the back..."

Then again, if it bleeds, perhaps it can be killed?

"...and that's why you should always make sure it's a lady before you hire a stripper.''

Alright, when she pauses for bre- wait. Did she stop talking?

"So, do you want to have a party? Cause I love parties!"

"Yes Pinkie, me and my friends would love to have a party, but you better start getting ready now, because my friends will descend upon that party like a raging cerberus."

"Oooh, that reminds me of another party I threw this one time!"

Oh God please no. No you can't do this to me.

"It all started when we were about to throw a surprise 'thanks for saving me from getting killed, sorry you were mauled by Berry Punch while she was tripping on illicit substances' party."

"Pinkie."

"...So I had everything just right this time..."

"Pin-kie."

"...And Pokey walked in, and boy was he surprised!..."

"Piiinnnkiiiie."

"...but then we found out he didn't have a pulse..."

"PINKAMENA DIANE PIE, GO SET UP THE PARTY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

"Oh right, that reminds me, I'd love to shoot the breeze with you Kyle. But I've got a party to plan!"

And with that, she was suddenly gone. *contented sigh* Now I could finally get some peace and quiet. Wait. Who told her my name?

"Wow dude, you really know how to get the chicks off of you." Danny said sarcastically.

"Fuck you Danny."

"Whatever dude, maybe you should try listening to girls for once?"

"I listen to peoples' problems all the time. All it does is depress me even more."

"Fine, whatever dude."

Twilight suddenly interrupted.

"Well, I think that about does it for questions today. How about I get some of my other friends here? You could probably build some trust with the town."

A strange *squee* suddenly rang out in the library.

"What the fuck was that noise?" I asked nervously.

"Nothing." Daniel said quickly.

Twilight shook her head quickly and changed the subject.

"Sooo, how about it?"

"YES! Er I mean uh, sure." Daniel said giddily

"Okaaay. So, on to Applejack's house."

Woo-hoo. Yeah. Hooray. Fuck. Sure, let's just go to her house, meet all the cast. That is how it goes for the most part right? Go to Equestria, meet all the important ponies because you must always be in Ponyville, then save the place from some sort of thing, usually a recycled character of some sort of pure evil. Just be-fucking-cause you can.

The trip to Sweet apple acres proved to be very boring and totally not worth even speaking about. In any case, when we arrived at the farm, Big Mac was the first one we saw. He was conveniently plowing the field at the time. He really was big, his head almost went to chest height. Obviously, he said not but three words to us. those three words being: "Howdy, name's Mac." He basically distilled a complete sentence down to its base components, and then said that.

In any case, we soon found Applejack out in the fields. She was, of course, much more alarmed by us than her possibly Forrest Gump slow brother, and I thought I was about to get falcon kicked straight in the nuts for a moment. Luckily, Twilight convinced her we weren't dangerous.

"Are ya sure they ain't monsters?" Applejack was of course sporting her southern accent. A fake sounding southern accent I might add, I have cousins in the south, they sound a bit different.

"Trust me AJ, you should be more afraid of Rainbow Dash." Twilight said in her... I guess her 'trust me' voice.

"Well, if ya'll say so." She said hesitantly.

She then turned her attention to us.

"So, Twi trusts ya, but ya'll be careful now. One wrong move, an ah'll keep kickin' till ah hear sumthin' important break." The look on her face said she wasn't kidding, that and the fact that she embodied honesty.

"Heeey now, I think someone just needs a hug. Whaddaya say?" Danny said soothingly. I again facepalmed, I was sure he was about to lose something close to him. There was just no way AJ was-.

"Yeah fine, I guess ah could use a hug." To my absolute shock, AJ actually embraced Daniel instead if turning his groin into a very sensitive punching bag. 'How the fuck was he- this is bullshit. Are they still hugging?'

"Alright, ya can let go now uh... what was yer name?"

"Danny." he said as he stood back up and walked back over to the rest of us lesser mortals.

"I hugged Applejack, where is your god now?" Danny said as he came to stand next to me.

"He's in the same spot as always dude."

"You gotta admit that was awesome." Muttered Glenn.

"I know right! Brohoof!" Danny said excitedly.

Danny and Glenn then shared the most epic brohoof ever shared between two humans.

For my part, I was still wondering how Danny was the suave talker of the group. When a certain pink pony returned to my vision. I was actually beginning to wonder where God was now, and how he would let a thing like having to listen to Pinkie Pie twice in one day happen to one of his children.

"Here's a singing telegram I hope it finds you well, you're invited to party..."

Luckily, she seemed focused on AJ and Twilight for the moment. Maybe I could sneak away while she was...

"Hi! *Le still more Pinkie gasp* It's you again! How long has it been?"

"About twenty minutes." I said resignedly

" *Le yet more Pinkie gasp* Twenty minutes already? I'm sorry, I should probably stop by more often!"

'Oh God no'

"Uh, no hurry, I'm sure you have lots of important party things to do, and... stuff."

"Oh no, I already have the party ready, I just need to get the invites out."

"Who are you inviting?"

"Ponyville."

'Shit, shit, shit, fuck, no.'

"Why don't you just put up signs or something?"

'Dammit! Why would you enable her?'

"Well that's no fun! Duh Boorrrriiinnng."

"Yes Pinkie, boring is the opposite of fun."

'Stop talking Kyle. Shut your fucking mouth.'

"Yep! It sure is! Well, I better go get invitations to everyone else."

'Thank Christ.'

"Hey, did Pinkie say she was inviting the whole town?" Twilight said.

'Oh I know where this is going.'

"Yeah." Said Danny and Glenn at the same time, again.

'I swear those guys are linked telepathically. Also, FUCK.'

Well, why don't we just go to the party? Then you can meet everyone else!"

'Why the hell not, maybe they'll have hard drinks there. I'm probably of legal age in Equestria.'

"Dude! We are going to a Pinkie Pie party!" Danny looked like he was about to pass out from an overdose of epic.

"Whoah! don't jizz yourself dude." I said sarcastically.

"Too late."

Foreigner has a song for this somewhere. I'm sure of it.

I woke up under a pile of confetti, plastic plates, and cups. My vision was blurry, which sucked because I couldn't tell where I was. It hurt to think, it hurt to move, and my head pulsed every time my heart beat. So I was either bucked in the face by Applejack, or I had a hangover. I honestly hated the implications of both of those possibilities, but, as of now, I couldn't rule out one or the other. I lifted my head up and tried to look at myself, but anytime I moved my head, it felt like I was being hit with mallets. Yeah, this was probably a hangover.

I was usually able to control myself when it came to mind-altering substances. What the fuck happened? Alright Kyle think. Ow. It hurts to think. Okay, think anyway you little ass-fuck. What do you remember?

I remembered going to Sweet apple acres, and Pinkie Pie's party invitation. Then we took Glenn to the hospital cause we remembered he had a broken arm.

'Wait. How the fuck did it take us that long? I made the sling myself, with Danny's shirt sleeves no less! Apparently, no one gave a flying fuck about Glenn.'

Okay, off topic, get back to the important stuff. How did I end up here?

"Oh my, this is most unbecoming of a lady!"

'Alright, fuck thinking, I'll just see if Rarity remembers.'

I slowly began picking my fat ass up off the floor. My vision was returning, and I could tell by hours of MLP that I was in Sugarcube Corner. I still had all my clothes on, which was good, since I could see a certain fellow fat-ass' shorts on the floor about ten feet away. I guess we knew who wore the pants in this place now. Anyway, back to buisiness, I had to find Danny, and see if he remembered this shit. I finished standing up after about five more seconds of alternating between moving and graoning in pain.

"Are you alright?"

I looked around a bit and finally spotted the grey coated unicorn. Wait, that didn't sound right. I summoned all my knowledge of background and minor characters and soon came to the conclusion that it was Octavia.

"Yeah, I'm okay. I just have a bit of a headache."

"Well, considering how much you and Vinyl drank last night, I am not surprised. where is that crazy mare anyway? It's not like her to just up and leave without saying goodbye. Especially if it's her husband we're talking about."

"Yeah, yeah, awesome. Look, I need some help remebering what happened to my friend, Danny. He's about the same height as me, and well, a human."

"Oh, Daniel? Why, after the wedding, He went back to the party with me. Though, you and Vinyl took your time getting back. *giggle* By the way, I think it was very nice of you to make him the best man. He seemed very excited. May I also say, that it was a pleasure to be the maid of honor at your wedding, you two are just perfect for each other."

Due to my splitting headache, I didn't really process the implications of what she had said. So I went back to an old standby.

"What?"

"I said Danny came back to the party with me."

"Yeah, I got that. What did you say after that?"

"That you two are perfect for each other?"

"Just before that."

"Oh! I said it was a pleasure to be the maid of honor at your wedding. It was so nice of you to agree to Vinyl's request to make me the Maid of honor. Though I doubt you would have been able to say no. Vinyl Scratch is by far the most stubborn mare around when it comes to certain things. Well, I really should be going, I have to get home and bathe while I try to forget that I fell asleep on the floor of a bakery."

And with that, she picked up her cello case, (which had somehow stuck to the wall near the door) and strutted out the door. About five seconds later, the things she had been saying finally began to piece themselves together in my head. What they spelled out, was this: You got piss, shit, tittie touching drunk last night. Then you married Vinyl Scratch in front of Daniel, your best man and possibly worst friend. Then, after that, you and your pony wife were alone while you had no real control of your physical faculties, you two were also gone for an unspecified amount of time, during which, anything could have taken place. So basically? you probably had unprotected sex with a pony. Also, you are apparently awesome at picking up ladies while you are drunk, which is bawss.

When you get so drunk at a party that you marry a pony, then get so drunk that your maid of honor has to remind you next morning, and you call yourself a christian, then you know you're a loser.

At this rate, I'll be going on a killing spree to find the people responsible for making the drug that caused people to murder my wife and baby girl. Blatant Max Payne references aside, it was probably about time I gave Danny his shorts back.

I began looking through the front of the bakery for a certain blonde haired maniac. I had no luck finding him, but I did find Twilight sleeping on a table. I figured it was best to leave her be for now. So I went upstairs. He wasn't there either, which meant he wasn't in the building. Unless Cupcakes was right about the basement.

I looked around a bit, and found a rather unassuming door in the back. Shit. I prepared myself for terrible images and opened the door. I looked down the steps, and saw that the place actually seemed well lit. I shrugged and walked down the stairs into... the fifteenth worst image in my life. There was Daniel, in his underwear, cuddling Rainbow Dash and Pinkie on a wooden table. I decided that, for the ponies' sakes, I would be delicate about this. Aw who am I kidding? Imma fuckin' do this my way.

"Hey fuckbuddies! wake up!" See? My way. Oh wait. Oooooowwwww. Damn hangovers. I will never drink again.

My way obviously worked. As evidenced by the fact that all three of them instantly jumped up and freaked out. I was still hurting from the noise when Daniel suddenly fell down and started moaning in pain. If I hadn't been in pain from my own hangover, I probably would have laughed my ass off at his pain and misery just then. Unfortunately, we still had problems to deal with, Like what other life changing decisions we might have made while we were hammered.

"What the fuck man? Why would you do that?" Daniel was moaning the words out while he was on the floor.

I walked over and threw his shorts at him.

"Get dressed. We're picking up Glenn."

"From where?" he asked as he got up and began pulling on his khakis.

"The hospital."

"When did he go to the hospital?"

"When we took him there after he broke his arm."

"But he was here at the party with us."

"What? When did he get here?"

"I don't remember, but I'm sure he was here."

"Do you remeber anything else about what happened last night?"

"Not really."

I sighed and turned my head towards the ponies, who were currently lying on the ground clutchin their heads in their hooves.

"What about you two?" I asked hopefully.

"What?" Rainbow asked quizzically.

"Do either of you remember what happened at the party last night."

"Nope." Pinkie said.

"Not really." Dash said afterwards.

"Nice bracelet bro." Daniel said randomly.

"What?" I said weirdly.

"The thing on your arm. Where can I get one?"

"Hey! That's a wedding band! Who'd ya marry huh huh huh? Oh please give me a hint!" Dammit Pinkie. Now I was in for it.

"Dude! you married a pony? That is fuckin' hilarious!" Danny fell back over and started laughing like a nutcase.

"Shut up dude."

"Oho no. I am never shutting up about this one."

"Then at least save until after we find Glenn."

"Yeah we should probably look for him." Daniel actually cared about Glenn, more than he cared about most other things. No Glenn was not gay.

"Ya think?" I said sarcastically.

Daniel grabbed his undershirt and put it on as he followed me up the stairs.

"I can't believe you married a pony last night. I think that makes you a furry lover dude."

"Says the guy who slept with ponies."

"Yeah, but I don't have to care."

"Fuck off man." Danny just laughed.

We came to the front doors a moment later. I was expecting the usual town type look, but what I got when I opened the door was something I never expected. After being temporarily blinded by the sun, I got a good look at the place. The whole town square was covered in trash, and a giant dance floor was still in the street, along with a raised platform with a bunch of giant wubbs and turntables. Also on this platform was a certain sleeping DJ. She appeared to be the only one still in the square, everyone else must have gone home like normal pe-er ponies. It appeared we were going to have to speak to Vinyl. This was going to be awkward.

"DUDE! it's DJ Pon3. Awesome!"

'Oh damn.'

Daniel started running full tilt towards the platform where Vinyl was sleeping. Fortunately, he was still a bit clumsy, and he fell over about halfway to it. I smiled and shook my head as I started walking over to him. It took him a moment to stand back up, and he managed to curb his enthusiasam for the moment.

I steeled myself as I approached the place where my wife was sleeping. This was going to be a very strange conversation. I put my hand on her shoulder and gently shook her. She didn't even stir. I shook her harder, still nothing. I flicked her on the forehead and was rewarded with a small moan.

"Five more minutes." She muttered as she went limp again.

I was running out of options that didn't involve causing lasting physical pain. I decided there was nothing for it and slapped her across the face. She woke up so fast that she fell out of her chair onto the floor.

"What! Who wha- where's goin' on? Oh, hey honey. Wanna make out?"

Yep, awkward.

"Is she talking to you or me?" Danny asked.

"Me." I sighed.

"Hah hah hah hah! Dude, you married Vinyl Scratch!"

"Well duh! You should know, you were the best man." Vinyl said smartly.

"I was? Awesome!"

"Have you been checked for chronic retarditus recently?" I was not expecting to hear that from Vinyl, and apparently neither was Daniel.

Now that i'd met her while I was sober, I could understand why I married her. She made fun of Danny almost as much as I did. Nevertheless, I was pretty sure this union was not going to last long. Still, while we were here, I might as well see if it was a good wedding.

"So Vinyl. How was the wedding?" I didn't remember shit, but maybe she did.

"It was really nice, the minister was a little weirded out, but baptists are at least open enough to tolerate stuff like this.

'Fuck. My. Life. Baptists exist here?'

"Uh great. Glad it was good for you, but did you see my friend Glenn at all? I can't seem to find him."

"Sorry honey, I didn't see him after we came back last night. Hey, wanna go someplace private? We never really went all the way last night."

Daniel was in a state of shock by this point, and I could tell his mind had probably produced an image that would haunt him for the rest of my life. For my part, I was thoroughly disturbed, and yet, I had the weirdest-. 'FUCK. NO.'

"Uh, I'd love to, but I have to go do that thing at the place." If I had been thinking straight, I probably would have had a much better excuse.

"How about you do that thing at my place?" That play on my words nearly sent me into ventricular tachycardia. I had to get out of this situation before things got really creepy. Er well, yeah too late.

"I'd love to...honey..." I cringed as I spat out that word. "But I have to find Glenn. His arm is broken and he could be in trouble."

"Oh, that sounds serious." She seemed genuinely concerned, so maybe it was working. "You had better go find him. Just make it quick. Eh? I don't like waiting."

'Thank Christ.' Now I could at least put off dealing with this shit 'till later.

"So you have no idea where he is?" I asked again.

"Nope. Sorry honey. But you could ask the yellow mare he was hangin' out with." I was not going to forget this if she kept calling me that.

"Yellow one?"

"Yeah, you know. Pegasus, yellow coat, pink mane, super shy?"

That was way more specific than I needed to hear to know she was talking about Fluttershy.

"Thanks love, I better go talk to her then. Let's go Danny."

'Wait. What did I just calll her?'

As soon as she was out of earshot, Danny slowly turned and gave me an expression that seemed to indicate a newfound respect.

"You got Vinyl Scratch to marry you, and now she still wants you when she's sober? You are now the fifth coolest person I have ever known."

"What was I before?"

"The twenty seventh."

"Gee thanks."

"No problem. So, you know the way to fluttershy's?"

"No, I thought you knew."

"How the fuck would I know? They always skip most of the journey between different places in the show."

"Then why the hell am I following you?"

"Because my guesses are always right?"

"How about we just go get Twilight to take us there?"

"I don't feel like walking back to her house."

"She was in the bakery. Speaking of which, so are Dash and Pinkie, we could probably ask either of them too."

"Well if you want to do it the easy way."

"Yeah. That's exactly the way I want to do it."

"And that is why you're my friend. You always pick the easy way."

"I thought it was because I was the only person who could stand your abrasive personality and clinical insanity."

For once, Daniel was speechless.

We found Twilight in the same spot she had been in before. Unfortunately, she didn't want to wake up anymore than Vinyl did. It took about three slaps in the face and a bucket of water to wake her up. That bucket was then used as an impromptu chuke containment device, as Twilight proceed to puke the contents of her stomach out in a fit of nausea.

"I think I drank too much." Twilight moaned.

"No shit. Ya think?" I couldn't resist letting off some steam after having to be the one to hold the bucket while she retched into it.

"Here's those ten bits I owe you Danny. How did you know Kyle would be able to chug the whole bottle?"

"Whole bottle of what?" I couldn't resist asking, even though the answer would probably suck.

"You mean you don't remember?"

"Not really."

"You drank at least four bottles of cider last night. Then you drank paint thinner on a dare from Applejack. The look on her face as you chugged the whole thing was priceless."

'When did I turn into a badass? I wish I could remember this shit. Then I could rub it in Danny's face for as long as I lived.'

"So listen, we need directions to fluttershy's house." I could worry about how awesome I was later. For now, I had a socially awkward no life to find.

"Oh that's easy! You just go down the main street 'till you get to the end of town, then take the first path after that. You can't miss it."

With this knowledge in hand, Danny and I left the building and headed down the road. I was going to find Glenn, and maybe kick Daniel's ass along the way. I was pretty sure it was his fault we ended up like this anyway. Still... it was a pretty good morning all things considered. Cause as they say, "if you ain't sinnin' you ain't havin' fun". Actually, fuck that, people who say that are morons.

...In another castle.

"Dude, do you think she gave you a blowjob last night?"

"Literally take your two fingers, and shove them up your asshole Danny."

"Oh come on man, you can't blame me for wanting to know about what you and the greatest DJ that ever existed did after you got married last night."

"Dude, I can absolutely blame you for that, and I do."

"Whoah, watch it, we got a badass over here." Daniel accented his meme reference with obligatory hand raising. As is tradition.

"I drank paint thinner last night, your argument is no longer valid."

"Yeah sure wha-"

"NOT. VALID."

"Are you serio-"

"Notvalid."

"Dude. I ge-"

"Hold up!"

"What? What do you see?"

"I see something in a wheelchair, I think it's your argument. I'm afraid it's become... an invalid." Daniel laughed at that. Like he laughed when those raging twelve year olds tried to insult us at the park. Fuckin' CoD ragin' shit stains the lot of 'em.

After about an hour of what could only loosely be described as walking, we finally reached a familiar looking treehouse, thing. Around which were a veritable buffe- I mean cornucopia (The thing no one uses as Thanksgiving decorations anymore), of wildlife. Cute little bunnies and squirrels frolicked among fields of clover and small wildflowers. It was the type of sight that brought a tear to my eye. To see such unspoiled beauty, such innocent carefree creatures, such amazing miracles of creation, and I just needed a BB gun to make it perfect. No, I could admire the sights later, right now, I had to go get the last of the three stooges.

We both walked up to the house and knocked on the door. It was answered soon after by a pissed off looking rabbit. Angel bunny stared at us with a look of pure hatred and contempt. It looked almost as if it was merely a flesh puppet for the devil himself. I fancied I cloud see the fires of hell in its eyes. I could tell right away that this bunny was going to be my favorite animal here.

"Is Glenn here?" I didn't feel like a staredown with a bunny at the moment, so fuck that.

Angel looked at me questioningly.

"A human like us, about yea high?" I motioned my hand to his general height. As if it mattered. I was pretty sure we were the only three humans here right now.

Angel's eyes narrowed again, and he seemed to be angry about something Glenn did.

"What? Did Glenn do something?"

Angel slowly nodded his head.

"What did he do?"

Angel made a bunch of crazy hand signals that I couldn't for the life of me understand.

*Le Danny gasp* "Glenn stole Fluttershy and took him to his evil lair?"

'Danny, you are trippin' balls on somethin' if you think you can actually understa-'

Angel enthusiastically nodded his head.

'DA FUQ?'

"Did you see which way they went?"

Angel nodded his head and walked out of the house. He motioned for us to follow him and walked around the house. He stopped about midway and pointed towards a path that lead into the forest.

"Thanks, and don't worry, we'll get Fluttershy back." Daniel was apparently the speechman of the group. Which made Glenn the little one, and me the big guy. All we needed was a pegasus marksman with bad luck and a complicated family history and we would be set.

We set off on the dirt path without further delay. I was pretty sure this was a dumb idea, but I was a real Payne when it came to ideas, so fuck it.

"Hey Danny, how'd you know what Angel was miming?"

"I didn't. It was just a guess."

"Seriously?"

"Yep."

"What made you guess that?"

"Not sure. Just seemed like an interesting plot twist."

"Really?"

"Nah I just read the hand signals."

"How?"

"Years of having to learn to read people like books."

"What do you think Angel really saw? Since you and I both know Glenn wouldn't kidnap Fluttershy, and he doesn't have an evil lair. Unless he somehow constructed it himself with only one arm in less than a day."

"I think Angel saw about jack-shit and is just jumping to conclusions."

"Yep. That sounds like the Pavlov bunny we know and love, or just know."

"Dude, please just leave Friendship is Witchcraft out of this."

"You and I both know Pavlov is best bunny."

"Yeah you're right."

We continued to follow the path through the woods. Until we came to a cliff.

"You recognize that cliff Danny?" I know I did. One did not simply watch the show and forget such major events.

"Yeah, looks a lot like the cliff the mane six fell down in the pilot."

"Actually, it looks exactly like it, because it is."

"Ten bucks I know where were going."

"I don't take bets I know I'll lose."

"How do you think we'll get down?"

"I'm not sure. Give me a moment, and I'm sure something will come to me."

Ten minutes later (I like this transition, I think I'll use this one. First one to leave me a comment reminding me gets a moustache.)

"Got any ideas yet?" Danny asked annoyedly.

"Yes actually."

"So what are they."

"It's just one actually."

"Better than nothing."

"Okay, here it is. I will use my magic to teleport us down to the ground."

"I take back what I said. That idea is worse than nothing."

"You got anything better?" I snapped.

"How about we go around?"

I looked at the cliff very closely and didn't see any way to get down.

"You feel free to look. I don't feel like walking for hours trying to find a way down."

"Dude, I can't believe It's me giving you the reality check, but you can't use magic."

"Sure I can. I just have to will it to happen."

"If it's about will, then we are well and truly ass-boned. You have the will of Fluttershy."

"Dude it's easy. Just watch."

Without warning, I suddenly dived behind a rock.

"Dude, you are an idiot."

Daniel walked over to the rock and looked behind it. I wasn't there.

"Boo!"

I was totally behind him.

"What the fuck!?" Danny shouted as he turned around and punched me in the face.

After I finished willing my nose to stop bleeding and reform itself into its proper shape, we decided two things. First, that sneaking up on Danny was something that should not be done if one intended to keep all parts of their anatomy, and second, every other idea I had was good, but the ones in between were retarded.

"So you can use magic to teleport, but not to duck faster?"

"Fuck off man, at least I can use magic."

"Doesn't the bible say something about magic being a sin or something?"

"Yeah, but that's because they used spirits and demons or some such weird jujubis. This seems different, and I don't feel an unholy guilt in my soul like I do with other things."

"Did you just compare the summoning of evil spirits to old candy?"

"Are we gonna do this? Or are you gonna pussy out like an old prostitute?"

"Let's do this shit." Danny said epicly.

I jumped us both down a second later. I landed feet first, Danny however, didn't brace himself like I should have told him to, and was promptly thrown on his face.

"Warn me next time asshole!" Danny said as he stood up and shoved me to the ground.

It took me a moment to get back up. Apparently, energy had to come from somewhere, and if you didn't have enough focus, it took energy from you instead. I looked down, and realized I looked a little thinner. This could end up being a viable weight loss option, or a good way to kill myself.

"Yeah,yeah, quit your bitchin' and let's go." I said as I stood back up. It felt like I'd just done sprints around a track, but fatigue like that usually went away after a few minutes, so fuck it.

We continued walking in silence for a while. The forest was eerily silent, but then again so were we. I had been studying the ground for a while, not really studying the forest around us. When I looked up again, I was startled by the first thing I saw. Well, startled was the wrong word, more like scared shitless, but when the first thing you see when looking up is a tree with an evil trollface, reflex kind of takes point. Needless to say, I jumped back and made a surprised sort of yelping noise.

Daniel was rather amused by that, having not given a single fuck upon seing the evil faced tree.

"Maybe this will help you out dude." Danny said as he pulled out his IPod and began playing one of the many remixed versions of Giggle at the Ghosties.

"The thing that would help me out, is gasoline and a box of matches." I then cracked an evil smirk of my own as I imagined these trees burning like a glorious pyre.

Daniel just laughed his characteristic acknowledgement/not actually funny/fuck you laugh.

We made it through the forest without any more trouble. Being in broad daylight severely lessened the shock value of an evil fuckface trolltree forest.

Of course, we soon ran into another problem. The river. It wasn't rushing particularly fast, but five hundred dollars of electronics are not the sort of things you submerge in water. So we didn't exactly have a lot of options that were appealing to Danny. Being that he was the only one who had electronics with him.

"Why don't you leave them here and come back for them later?"

"Because we might not end up coming back this way. Why don't you just use your amazing magic powers to get us over there?"

"Because I don't think I'll be able to keep walking after another burst like that, and I doubt you like the idea of carrying me the rest of the way."

"Then in the immortal words of Dende: we're boned."

"Oh my! what strange creatures! I don't believe I've seen anything like you here before. What brings you here hmm?"

'And here comes the femmy dramatic dragon to save the day. Hopefully.'

"We're trying to save Fluttershy and anther one of our friends, we could use your help crossing the river."

'Just let Danny do the talking. It's worked well so far.'

"Why of course I can help you! Do say hello to Fluttershy for me. hmm?"

"Will do." Daniel said as he began walking on the sea/river dragon thing's back over the river.

We made it across the river without further delay, and the dragon thing went back to doing... whatever it was gay sounding sea dragons did. Probably best I never found out.

We again went back to plodding along in silence, and we eventally reached the rope bridge. Which was thankfully still intact.

"I really don't feel like falling after coming all this way. So you should probably go first."

"Gee thanks Danny. You're a real pal. I'm glad I have friends I can count on to be supportive and caring."

"You do know how gay that sounded right?"

"Yes Daniel, I am FUCKING aware of how gay that sounded."

"Just so ya know."

"Yeah whatever. Apparently, I've got a bridge to cross. Since sooommmeeebooody decided to be a pussy." I then began walking towards the bridge.

"Wait, you're really going? I didn't think what I said would actually get you to do it." I stopped and looked over my shoulder at Daniel.

"It didn't. At least not what you said at first, but I figure if I get across first, I can wait until you're about halfway across and cut the rope. Then do the rest of this without you to bitch and second guess me like my sister."

"Well when you put it that way..." Daniel said as he walked past me and then proceeded to walk across the bridge.

I followed after him a moment later. As I walked past Danny I said: "Thanks for takin' one for the team Danny." Then I patted him on the shoulder and smiled.

"You bastard."

"Wahh, wahh, wahh. There you go again with the bitchin'. Just look at the bright side. If you had fallen and died, at least I would have lived."

"I'm not seeing the bright side."

"Well then let me tell you. Imagine me, marrying the woman of your dreams, getting that job you always wish you had, and living a long, happy, and fulfilling life."

"First off. You already married the woman of my dreams, so I guess you're ahead of the game. Secondly, I still don't see how you living is a bright side for anyone, even you."

"Are you gonna whine the rest of the way there?"

"I am not whining, I'm complaining. Do you want to hear whining? Thiiiiiiii-"

At that moment, a depth of will and focus that I didn't even know I possessed told me one thing: 'FUCKIN'. NO.' Using this power, I laid my friend out with a punch to the forehead. Luckily, it only took him about ten minutes to come to, and there didn't seem to be any lasting brain damage.

"What happened?" Daniel moaned as he began standing up.

"You tripped and fell on a rock."

"Seems legit. We better get moving and save the Fluttershy, er whatever the fuck we're gonna do when we find them. Why don't you lead."

'Fuck, he knows.'

I checked over my shoulder every few seconds the rest of the way there. I was not about to be donkey punched by an angry blonde. At long last, after all our work and toil, we had reached the castle of the royal pony something-or-others. I apparently needed to brush up on my MLP lore, or maybe I would spend more time with my family after this harrowing adventure.

'Pffft. Fat chance.'

"I guess we had better go inside and see what the hell's what." Said Danny seriously.

"By 'we' you mean me. Don't you." I didn't really say it like a question. I already knew the answer.

"Yep. How'd you guess?"

"I don't have to, I know you too well for that."

"Damn."

"You aren't exactly subtle about it."

"No, not really, But I think I see a problem."

"You only see one problem?"

"With the castle fucktard."

"I imagine you're referring to the fact that the doors are closed?"

"Isn't that what she said?"

"No it fuckin' is not! It is obviously what he said."

"Hmm. Well, regardless of whether or not it was said, I don't think we could just bust through something this th-"

I cut him off by suddenly charging an aura around my fist and punching through the door.

"Or you can, but we could have just opened them."

"But punching through it was so much more satisfying."

"Yeah, great, but now whatever's in here knows we're here.

"Oh come on, how bad could it be?"

"Hah hah hah hah hah hah!" I knew that laugh.

"You would do well to heed your friend's advice in the future, if there was a future for you!"

I turned to the source of the evil laugh and uninventive threats, and who should be there but the queen of the changelings, standing regally behind her minions.

"Where did you take Glenn?" Daniel asked the obvious question, one that I doubted would result in a straight answer.

"Who?" The queen seemed rather surprised.

"Glenn. Human? Looks like us, only a little shorter, black hair?"

"Oh! you mean this one?" Suddenly, the queen morphed into Glenn.

"Yeah that's him! Soooo, just give him back and we can get out of your hair." Danny didn't seem particularly worried, but maybe that was just his poker face. I know I was definately nervous.

"You want him back?" She grinned evilly as she said those words.

"Yeah, we kinda can't leave here without him. I mean, I don't want to come out here and go back empty-handed." I was glad Danny was the one talking, for once. Or maybe more like six times.

"Just him?" she kind of did a paradigm shift in mood. If that even makes grammatical sense.

"Yeah. Wait, who else are you holding?"

"We have captured your precious princess of the sun! and your moon princess will soon follow! We will take every one of your friends! And they shall suffer in the coldest depths imaginable. Hahahahahah hah!

"Uhm, you know what? I think I'll stick with just getting Glenn back. Then we can leave and you know, get back to our own universe. Since my dad will probably have my head at this rate."

"Well you're too late! He and Fluttershy have been sent away from here! They will be held until I rule Equestria, and I will only let them live long enough to see their homes and families crushed. Before I kill them both myself. Hah hah hahahah."

"I finally interjected into the conversation, seeing as how this wasn't really going as fast as I would like it to go.

"So let me get this straight. You have Glenn, Fluttershy, and Celestia, and you've moved them to a different place?"

"Yes."

"So the princess is in another castle?"

"Yes?"

Daniel and I both looked at each other, then back to Chrysalis, then again at each other. Daniel did a Tim Tebo and held it. I chose a more... vocal approach.

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

Adventures with Ahzek

Adventures with Ahzek

"UUUUUUUCK"

I now respected Mario much more for being able to deal with bullshit like this.

"What was that?" Chrysalis seemed rather taken aback at my sudden rage.

"Kyle get's angry sometimes, especially after we've been walking for three hours and he finds out it was totally worthless." Daniel was rather nonchalant, but I was still pretty sure it was just the poker face.

"It doesn't matter anyway. You'll be dead soon, then I can bring my plans to fruition."

"Oh fuck that shit! Listen up beeeeaaatch! I have dealt with waaay too much bullshit today to just let you and your dumb vampire wannabees run around doing evil shit! When I get my hands on you, I'll hold you down while my friend rapes your ass!" I was literally so angry that I couldn't come up with funnuy things to say.

"Dude?!"

"What? I thought you might actually like it, since you're a weirdo."

"Dude, she's all slimy and shit."

"That's what he said."

"You know what? That is absolutely what he said. That is so what he said that I can literally hear him saying it. Bravo good sir, and well played."

"Ahem." The queen was of course in need of attention again. God forbid we have a conversation without her.

"What?" Danny and I spoke as one.

"Are you done?" She asked annoyedly.

"Bitch-to-the-hell-no! I'm just gettin' started on this class five shitstorm." I was still pissed at her for taking Glenn, but at least my weird phrases were back.

"Well, much as I'd love to stick around and chat, I have an invasion to plan. My minions will take care of you." And then she was gone. Without even saying a proper goodbye.

The changelings in the room all turned their creepy eyes on us. I was pretty sure we were about to get screwed, but I wasn't gonna give them an easy time of it. I started trying to count how many there were. after about fifty I just figured there were probably more than enough to maul Danny while I made my escape. I'd probably stay though, I wanted to see if I could go super-saiyan on their asses. That would be awesome.

"Sooo. How's working for the queen?" I figured we might as well take our time with this.

"We would give our lives for the mother!" Said one.

"And in this economy, with all the racial prejudice, we don't really have much choice." Said another one in back.

"Yeah, Ponyville is like the rural south some times. So uh, how are the benefits?"

"Considering there are twenty million of us, the benefits are pretty good."

"Really?"

"Yeah. The queen takes good care of her chidren."

"Define good. She did just leave you with a guy who can destroy solid wood doors with his fists."

"Ha! there are too many of us for you to beat! you can't win!"

"Maybe not, but a lot of you are going to explode before we go down. Still, I guess you could consider it a compliment from her, she obviously doesn't play favorites with any of her children."

"Hmm. I suppose we'll just have to kill you quickly then."

"I guess you can try."

And try they did. The changelings swarmed at us like a wave of black, But they would never reach us. Instead, a golden explosion of light pulsed out and disintigrated the mass of changelings, and out of this light, a silhouette of a massive figure holding a staff appeared.

"Dude, what is that?" Daniel was officially surprised. Which was a rare occurence.

"Oh no. It can't be. We already have too much going on for this to be happening. This is gonna piss a lot of pe-ponies, off."

"Who is it? Is it God?"

"If you ask him, he'll probably say yes, but no, he isn't." I already thought I knew who it was. One does not simply own a chaos marine codex and forget the hero characters.

"Then what is it?"

"It's probably Ahriman." I said sadly. If there was ever a character I wanted to come to Equestria, it would have been an Eldar harlequin. Just so I could introduce it to Pinkie and watch the hilarity ensue.

"The god of that weird religion that starts with a z?"

"Not that one, and I think it's Zoroastrianism or something like that."

"Then what Ahriman are you talking about?"

"You never heard of Warhammer 40k?"

"No. I devote my time to important things, like youtube videos."

"Okay, imagine a super-human master chief style guy with Twilight Sparkle level information hunger and near deity level pschic abilities. Then imagine he's been at it for about ten thousand years instead of like seventeen. This guy has magic coming out of his asshole like shit. He can rip squads apart just by looking at them funny, and he's got a grenade launcher pistol thing."

"Sounds like a pretty OP guy."

"Hah! you should see Horus, guy's pure bullshit on stats."

While we were doing our usual weird nerd banter, a certain huge fucker was finishing his weird phasey thingy into this dimension. He was thrown to his hands and knees by the teleport, but he didn't seem to care.

"So how do you think he ended up here?" Daniel asked annoyedly.

"Probably a webway gate malfunction, he's looking for the black library."

"The what?"

"Quiet, I think he's about to start explaining things to himself."

"What madness is this? Where has this accursed webway brought me?" Funny, he sounded just like Liam O'brian.

"Dude. how'd you know?"

"Sssshhh. I like my organs where they are thank you."

"What! Who speaks!"

"You just had to open your mouth didn't you ya fucktard?"

"He sounds like Gaara dude."

"Shut up."

"Aha! fools! you can not hide from a psyker!"

"We weren't really trying that hard. Just so you know." Danny was, for once, out of his depth, but he still managed to add his two cents.

"What world am I on? Where did those damned Eldar send me?"

"I think you should be asking yourself what universe you're in, cause it ain't yours." It seemed I was the one who actually knew what was happening, so I took the lead.

"Fine. On what astral plane do I now reside?"

"I have no idea."

"Clearly you are no scholar."

"Not in the slightest, but to be fair, we did just get here yesterday."

"You are not of this universe? Where are you from? I demand that you tell me!"

At this point, I was holding out on the hope that we might just live through this.

"We're from earth."

"Ahh. So you come from holy Terra then." He said holy with a great amount of sarcasm, and I couldn't blame him for it. When you placed your trust in a lie, people tended to get pissed after finding out.

"Not really, it's not the same earth as yours."

"Oh? Who rules it then?"

"A bunch of old stupid guys."

"I see. If this isn't your earth, and it's not my universe, then what is this place?"

"You are currently in Equestria, the name is used in a very vague way, so I have no idea if it's the country, the continent, or the planet, but you are currently in the castle of the royal pony sisters."

"Those terms refer to horses,is there a matriarchal society that worships them?"

"No. Actually, now that you mention it, I suppose it kind of is."

"then take me to them. I would speak with their leader."

"Could be a problem with that. One of their leaders has been stolen."

"Am I supposed to care?"

"That leader is also one of their deities."

"Then it's not much of a god is it?"

"Goddess."

"What?"

"It's a girl, Goddess."

"Don't patronize me, you won't live long."

"I know. Sorry."

"Apology is for the weak."

"Being weak is a preferable alternative to disembowelment for me personally."

"A wise outlook on life. However, I have run short of time to waste. Take me to the nearest town, I would have words with the people there."

"Fine, but be prepared for dissapointment."

"If I am dissapointed, they shall be the ones who must prepare."

Two hours and one orgasmic transition later.

Thankfully, Ahriman wasn't quite the silent, brooding type you'd expect from a ten thousand year old super soldier mage guy who was pushing close to pure evil. He would sometimes ask questions about certain things on the world he was in. Always trying to learn new things and expand his knowledge.

"Is there anything here that could pose a danger? Things are much too quiet."

"A danger to me? Or you?" I was pretty sure he gave about as much thought to us as we would to the microscopic lifeforms we were currently crushing under our shoes/size 36 stompy boots, but a guy can hope right?

"Hah!" his mirthless laugh told me everything I needed to know.

"If we're talking about you, how vulnerable would you be to nine inch talons and fire?"

"I have slain legions of soldiers with a single glance. What do you think?"

"Were they killed all at once, or in total?"

"Does it matter?"

"So in total then."

"What is your point?"

"Well there are dragons here, but the locals can deal with them, so I'm sure you'll be okay."

"These 'locals' you speak of. What are they like?"

"Have you ever read children's books?"

"Yes."

"Well then pic- wait really?" How would I have known that the ten thousand year old, demon worshipping, walking mindfuck actually read children's books?

"All knowledge and books of lore will be known to me."

"Really? Well here's something for the road then." I threw him my pocket bible. We had about five more at home, plus the one on my IPod touch, so it was no skin off my nose.

"What kind of a name is 'Bible'?"

"It's a holy book."

"I see. You are aware that I worship no god?"

"Neither does he." I gestured with my thumb in the general direction of of Daniel, who was currently the odd man out in the things that were going on."

"Yet you travel with him?"

"Sure, life is never boring with him around."

"Have you not attempted to convert him?"

"At this point, I'd have better luck with you."

"Putting trust in 'unknowable beings', has not been advantageous to me in the past."

"I think my religion has injected quite a bit of interest into my otherwise boring life."

"Bah! Religion is only usefull if it serves my purposes."

"You're sounding more and more like Danny all the time. You two should have met a long time ago."

"I have no desire to make new friends here."

"You might like to reconsider, friendship is literally magic here."

"I find that hard to believe."

"You're going to see a lot of things that you won't believe soon."

"You know, you never told me about the native population."

"I know, I've been avoidig the question."

"You are foolishly honest boy."

"If I wasn't, I'd be an untrustworthy asshole instead of just an asshole."

"Deceit is a tool to be used. Like any other."

"So is misdirection."

"Hah! very well done boy, but you will tell me about the humans that live here, or I may have to flay you alive with my mind."

"Well, I believe Daniel is more the scholar on the inhabitants of this world."

"Fine then. He will tell me."

'Not with that attitude he won't.'

"What resides here?"

"Ponies." Danny said simply. Way to break it to him gently.

"I will kill you, then I shall torture your soul until you tell me."

"The inhabitants are ponies. What do you want me to do?"

"You mean to tell me that I am on a planet populated entirely by ponies?"

"Yes."

"That sounds like the product of a strange child's mind."

"It's still true."

"If this place is populated entirely by ponies, then what built the castle?"

"The ponies did."

"Unless these ponies have somehow evolved arms with opposable thumbs, it is completely impossible for them to have created a structure that complex."

"They used magic." Danny was definitely being straightforward about this.

"So they are psykers then?"

"No, only unicorns can use magic."

"Only what can use magic?"

"The unicorns, they use magic."

"So these... unicorns... are psykers?"

"I don't think they're psychic. They just channel magic through their horns."

"What power do they use?"

"Ask Kyle, HE'S the magician."

"Dammit Danny! Now I'm gonna have to explain it!"

"You never said not to tell him."

"Enough! You will tell me how you learned this magic, or I will burn you to ash."

"Fine, but I don't think your powers will work here. Anyway, it's about willpower and focus here. You need to will it to happen. Unfortunately, it only seems to manifest in some humans, a.k.a. me."

"Show me this magic."

"Alright."

I thought about what I should try doing. If I did something simple, he would most certainly be unimpressed, but if I did something too big or complicated, I might kill myself. Might as well use the old teleportation power. I knew I could do it, and it was rather impressive.

"I will not wait forever."

"I'm getting to it."

I quite suddenly dived behind a tree and jumped to a different place on the opposite side of the path. All Ahriman saw was me diving behind a tree.

"I'm still waiting."

"For what?"

Ahriman turned and pulled out his bolt pistol in less than a second. I had about enough time to realize that this was a retarded idea before Ahriman fired.

Cliffhanger ftw.

oh ho It's Magic

Ahriman turned and fired his bolt pistol in .76149th's of a second, it still felt like a minute to me. Apparently, fear gives some people wings, and some people ridiculously OP reflexes. I wasn's sure I could deflect 20 mm bullets with magic, but it was preferable to try rather than be blown in half by an exploding cartridge. I was pretty sure my focus was at maximum, and my willpower was over 9000, so fuck it.

I moved my hand up to block th- wait, that bullet is moving like a snail in the air. Why not just dodge? Yeah, I'll do that. I moved back behind the tree about .2.43 miliseconds before an exploding bolter shell whizzed past the spot where my head ised to be. It hit a tree about ten yards behind me, blew it in half, and set it on fire.

"The fuck man? You trying to blow my eardrums out?" It was a strange thing to ask the thing that tried to shoot you, but that gun was LOUD.

"No, I was trying blow your brains out." Ahriman was, unsurprisingly,not concerned that he nearly turned my head into garish modern art.

"Dude! It looks like you..." Daniel paused and put on a pair of sunglasses that he conveniently had on him.

"Dodged a bullet. YEEEEAAAAAAAHH!." Daniel finished his meme based pun and made a self-satisfied smirk.

"You don't seem particularly concerned that I almost turned your friend's head into a very fine mist."

"What was I gonna do? Talk the bullet into stopping?"

"Shut it ladies. We still have a ways to go to get back to town." I was most certainly not going to listen shit from these two.

"I am quite surprised you are not much more angry that I shot at you." His voice had suddenly become much more annoying.

"Ohoho. I am absolutely livid. In fact, you should probably stop your fuckin' talking before I get even more angry."

"Livid is about as angry as a person can get. Thereis no real word for being angrier."

"After I become livid, you need to use sentences to explain my anger. Sentences like: 'Having a strong desire to make a lurid mess of you, or 'Wanting to RIP YOU THE FUCK APART AND TURN YOUR CORPSE INTO A WALL DECORATION.' You know things like that."

"Dude. Calm the fuck down, christians aren't supposed to get angry." Danny was being a FUCKIN' PRICK like he usually was when I got angry. Or maybe it was just me.

"You are mind numbingly wrong Danny, christians are allowed to get angry, it's what we do with anger that makes it wrong. For instance, being angry at someone who just tried to kill me is perfectly okay, but wanting to kill him and brutalize his corpse is a sin. Every christian sins, and no sin is any greater than the other, so the way I see it, turning the fucker who tried to kill me into a FUCKING MEATLOAF is the same as lying and saying I don't want to."

"He's going to have a heart attack at this rate. If I don't kill him first."

"Daniel, if he does not shut his face in three seconds, I'm going break him like a cheap Chinese toy."

"Alright Kyle, just calm down man."

"You're right, I just need a moment."

Ten minutes later. Orgasmic transition strikes again (*o*)

"You feeling normal yet?" Daniel actually seemed to care. Which was another rare thing for him.

"Yeah, let's go."

"About time." Aaaaannnd now I wasn't. For a ten thousand year old being of immense knowledge, he wasn't very wise.

We again began to walk along through the forest of weird trees. It was getting later now, about five o'clock by my reckoning. Luckily it was summer, so we still had a few hours of daylight.

"How far away is this town?" Ahzek was actually starting to sound like a whiney bitch the longer we walked.

"We're getting closer."

I could hear running water as we continued walking. Which meant we were nearing the end of this hell. Maybe we could get Twilight to send this guy home. Wait a second, why the hell didn't we get Twilight to see if she could get us home? I suddenly felt about 20% dumber than I felt before. We should get her on on that ASAP, unless Daniel didn't want to go home, which wouldn't surprise me.

We reached the river a few minutes later, and Danny was again a bitch about his shit. This time, I actually had to jump us across. Magic is wicked awesome. It took a certain giant blue guy about five minutes to ford the river, which was apparently only about six feet deep. Once he had crossed, we continued on.

Another ten minutes later. (-_-)

"You can't keep living in the past dude. Sure you got married to a pony, and sure you might have done certain sexual acts with her, but you have to put that behind you and move on." Daniel was a real motivational speaker when he wanted to be, but that was mostly because he was good at telling people what they wanted to hear.

"I was married once you know."

"You're shittin' me."

"No dude, I was married over the internet. I had a fake signature from my dad, a preacher, the whole shebang."

"When was this?"

"About two years ago."

"Why did I never hear about this?"

"She died about two months later."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"I'm not. She was a real bitch, and she was a terrible lover."

"If you were married over the internet, how would you know?"

"She sucked at virtual sex."

"Really dude."

"Yeah, contrary to popular belief, virtual sex is an art."

"That's a load a shit."

"Well sorry for trying to relate to you."

"First rule of relating to someone dude, actually be able to relate to them."

"I was married to a daemonette once." Ahriman was apparently just as random as Danny when it came to interjecting into conversations.

"How'd that work out for you?" I couldn't resist hearing about this one.

"She tried to take my soul, so I trapped her life essence and used it as a bomb to destroy an Eldar craftworld."

"Sounds like it was a problem with communication."

"No, it was because she tried to kill me."

"I was being socratically ironic."

"How do you expect to make me seem unintelligent?"

"Same way I made you seem like a bad shot."

"Hah!" It was that humorless laugh again. The same one Danny used. It was creepy.

It was about five minutes before we reached the sheer cliff again.

"How did you two get down here from that spot up there?"

"Magic."

"I see. Well, now you shall see true power."

Ahriman then clutched his staff with both hands and stood absolutely still. He held this position for a few moments.

"Well, we're waiting." I was pretty sure this was some sort of irony, but I was more concerned with trying not to laugh.

"Where is the warp? Why can't I feel the warp?" He sounded like Vegeta when he couldn't find the moon.

"It's a completely different universe. The warp doesn't exist. By the way, dramatic irony is a real bitch isn't it?" I couldn't understand for the life of me how he didn't notice a distinct lack of whispering voices in his head. I was given to understand that daemons constantly whispered in the minds of psykers. It was still hilarious to see his only real power taken from him. Schadenfreude had never felt sooo good.

"You seem much too focused on ironies. What about sensory details? Character development? Things that make stories great?"

"I got an A+ on a sensory details paper in school, don't tell me how to be a writer."

"Well it's good to see you putting your talents to good use." He said sarcastically.

"Why are we even talking about this right now?"

"Because you are too focused on irony, that's why. I've read more books than you have words. I know what I am talking about."

"We aren't writing right now. Who gives a fuck?"

"Fine, have it your way. Just don't come to me the next time you need advice."

"I wasn't asking for your advice in the first place."

"Fine. I suppose we'll be climbing this then?"

"You're the one with millenia of experience, you tell me."

"I just said, don't come to me for advice."

"Then yes. You will be climbing the sheer cliff, old man."

"Fool. I am stronger than any ten humans combined."

"Great. Then it shouldn't take you too long."

I then teleported Daniel and I to the top. We settled in to wait, only for Ahriman to appear about a minute later."

"I hate having to do this sort of grunt work. At least those two idiots won't be here for a while. If they can even haul their fa-. How in the name of-"

"Magic." Daniel said simply.

"I see."

Everything in my body was telling me to push him right back off.

"Exactly how far did you two travel?"

"We're almost there. Then you can start your nefarious plan to raid the library." Why did I feel like a mother to this annoying prick?

"Their society is stable enough for libraries?"

Daniel started laughing.

"What is amusing about that question?"

"Nothing." Daniel said quickly.

"Yes, they have a library in town. You'll probably be staying there, as long as you don't murder half the populace in the way there."

"I haven't killed either of you yet."

"Not for lack of trying." I was still angry he almost killed me.

"Is that the edge of the forest ahead?" Daniel again picked a rather convenient time to interject.

"I think it is. About damn time too, we have to warn Twilight and the rest of them about the crazy plot going on."

It seemed the end of this crazy ride was finally in sight, we could drop the annoying one off at Twilight's, and go save Glenn. Some would question the wisdom of leaving a super-human soldier with millenia of combat experience in a library while two completely untrained individuals went into a place that would be heavily guarded by changelings, but I figured it was worth it if we didn't have to deal with him.

We were finally on open ground again, now we just had to get back to Ponyville. Hopefully, we would be able to convince the others that he was okay. It would probably be a lie, but we could hopefully find a way to get him back to his own shitty future before he killed somepony. Or everypony.

"So, ground rules if you want to fit in around here. 1: be nice, 2: don't tell them stories about how you killed millions in your search for knowledge, 3: DO NOT draw the gun, unless a huge monster is trying to eat yours or someone else's face, keep it in the holster, and 4: listen to Twilight, she's the smart one."

"Define the word 'nice'. Do you mean I should kill them quickly? Or that I should not kill them?"

"Follow the normal laws of any civilized society. Don't kill, steal, or maim anyone, and they shouldn't be too hard to stand."

"I could just kill them and plunder the library."

"That would not end well for you."

"who could stop me?"

"Twilight."

"You keep speaking of this 'Twilight', who is she?"

"A librarian."

"Interesting. I was once a librarian, one of the best in fact. Though, I was a space marine librarian, which is quite different from a simple bookeeper."

"I know."

"Really? How is it you learned this?"

"It's a long story."

"I see." He was totally unconvinced, any idiot could have seen that, but he didn't press that subject any further. How do you tell someone that their entire life was dreamt up by fat British nerds with no girlfriends?

"This 'Twilight' girl, how do you think she could stop me?"

"She's one of the greatest mages to ever live. Maybe THE greatest. She's also the personal student of the princess, the kidnapped one, and possibly the only one here who could rival your ridiculous thirst for knowledge for it's own sake."

"Hmm. Perhaps I can hold an intelligent conversation with her, it is rare that I meet a fellow searcher of the truth."

"I find that rather insulting."

"I do not care in the slightest."

We reached the outskirts of Ponyville after just a few more minutes of walking. The ponyvillians quickly made their way into their homes when they saw us approaching.

"They don't seem thrilled by my presence."

"Ponyville is a very xenophobic town, and a giant power armored thing isn't helping matters much."

"I don't remember telling you that this was power armor."

"..."

"What did you say this town was called?"

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! Welcome to Ponyville! I haven't seen you here before, and if I haven't seen you before that means you must be new! Because I know everypony and I mean EVERYPONY in Ponyville! *Le additional Pinkie gasp* You know what this calls for? A party!"

Ahriman, for his part, had not immedietly put a giant fist in Pinkie's face, and was making a mighty effort not to grab her by the neck and squeeze until she stopped talking. I almost felt sorry for him at that point, no one should have to deal with that pink freak.

"...and the kitchen smelled like burned stripper for a week..."

She had again launched into the 'ape party' story. A story no one shoud ever have to listen to in their life, ever. I had to bail him out of this before he either killed her, or went totally insane.

"PINKIE PIE!"

"Oh! Hi Kyle!"

"Don't you have important thisngs to do?"

"Oh Right! We can talk more later! I have a party to plan!"

"I am in your debt for that boy. The hell of the warp was nothing compared to that."

"I know the feeling."

"Let's just get to the library, before I have to kill someone."

"Hi honey! Wanna go to my place and have sex?"

Daniel started loling like a weirdo on the spot. Ahriman turned his head toward the source of the speaker. Then he looked back at me, then back to Vinyl, then to me again. I facepalmed so hard I nearly gave myself a concussion.

"Who is that?" Ahriman was looking at me like I was a complete weirdo under that helmet, I was sure of it.

"My wife." I sighed.

"Why would you marry that?"

"I don't remember."

"How do you forget something like that?!"

"I was ridiculously inebriated."

"That makes marginally more sense."

"Hey baby, who's the big dude?" If she kept calling me that, Danny was going to lolverdose, and Ahzek was going to kill something.

"Listen honey, we have a big problem, Glenn, Fluttershy and Celestia have been kidnapped by Chrysalis, the changelings are trying to take over Equestria again, and this guy needs to find a way back to his own universe. Can we do this later?"

"Well that ain't good. You should probably go get Twilight."

"We're already on it."

"Can I come with?"

'nononononononNONONONONO!'

"Sure, me and Kyle would love to have you along."

'Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccck! Danny you fuckin troll!'

"Great! I'll go get my bass cannon 2.0!"

I slowly turned my head to Danny.

"You fucking trollshit."

"What? I thought this would be a good time for you and your 'honey' to bond." He was absolutely bullshitting, and any idiot would have been able to tell.

"You shatsuck. You just wanted to troll me."

"And I totally did, I trolololed you hardcore."

"I am going to wring your neck until it cracks like the Liberty Bell, then I will sell your organs om the black market."

"Oh don't be so butthurt about this. She's bringing the bass cannon 2.0 dude! It could be totally awesome!"

"It could also be that I have to deal with her begging me to have sex the whole time."

"If you have a problem with that, there may be an underlying issue you need to deal with."

"The underlying issue is that I'm not into bestiality!"

"Then maybe you should tell her the truth?"

"I will, after this shit is over and I can afford the time to do it properly."

"Are you two going to take much longer?" Ahzek was going to be the voice of reason on this one apparently.

"No. Let's get to the Library before I give myself an ulcer." I was mad bro at Daniel, but I could try to hold it until we were alone and I had more descriptive insults.

The library was close by, and we were able to reach it rather quickly. Upon reaching the library, I noticed that Ahriman would have some trouble fitting through the door. the door was about five feet high, Danny and I had to bend over to get in. Ahriman was seven feet tall, not including the ridiculous horns on his helmet.

"This could be a problem." Danny wasted no time stating the obvious.

I knocked on the door. No answer. I knocked again, and Spike answered the door.

"Twilight's bu- whoah. Who's the blue guy?"

"I am Ahzek Ahriman. What exactly are you?"

"I'm Spike, I'm a dragon."

"You don't seem very... dragonlike."

"I'm a baby dragon."

"That makes a bit more sense."

I really didn't have time for this crap.

"Spike, we need to see Twilight right now."

"Twilight's busy."

"What is she doing?"

"She's doing, uhh, things."

"Oooohhhh, well, if she's doing things then I suppose that unimportant stuff like the kidnappings, the planned invasion and the extradimensional beings can all just be put on hold can't they?" I was being rediculously sarcastic, and I seriously didn't give a shit about the 'things' Twilight was doing.

"What do you mean kidnappings?"

"Princess Celestia, Fluttershy, and Glenn have been stolen by queen Chrysalis, who has hatched, no pun intended, another plan to take over Equestria."

"That can't be right, Celestia is in the other room having tea with Twilight. Oops! I wasn't supposed to say that."

"She's WHAT!"

"Uuuhhhh, nothing?"

I pushed my way through the door without another second's hesitation. I quickly ran through the tree to the dining room and 'let' myself in. I went through the portal to see Twilight having tea with the sun princess. Celestia's eyes widened when she saw me.

"You?!"

"Kyle? What are you doing here? Get out of here! I said I didn't want to be disturbed." Twilight shouted angrily.

"Hey bitch. Remember me?"

"YOU." She said venomously.

This just went from lousy to class five shitstorm.

The hell are we wearing?

"Twilight, this isn't the princess." I was pretty sure the whole, 'convince Twilight the princess is secretly an evil bitch' plan
was going to fail miserably, but I tried it anyway

"What do you mean? Of course it's the princess!"

"The princess was kidnapped by Chrysalis. So who do you think this is?"

"I think it's the princess, and you're just crazy."

"Crazy? Yes, but this still isn't the princess."

"Don't listen to a word he says Twilight. He's insane, he said it himself." That annoying soothing tone again. It was infuriating to hear it when you know it's fake.

"Bitch shut up. And I'm crazy, not insane. If I was insane, I'd keep telling you to shut up. I'm not going to ask again though, I'm just going to kill you, and turn you into changeling steak if you continue to speak."

"Kyle! have you lost your mind?" Twilight certainly knew how to ask the stupid questions."

"Did I not just answer that exact question? Yes, I have metaphorically lost my mind. So, if the CNN reporter is done asking questions, I'd like to get this over with."

"What's CNN?" Twilight was of course getting me off task, cause God forbid I get to slap a bitch without having to explain something obscure to someone. I also hated CNN.

"It's a bunch of retards trying to be a news agency." For every question, there are three answers, the right one, the wrong one, and the funny one. I chose the right one, the funny one would have sent me into lmfao seizures or lolspasms. Medical complications I did not need.

"Well that sounds completely pointless."

"No shit Sherlock, let me get my top hat."

"Who's Sherlock?"

"You never heard of Sherlock Holmes?"

"I think you mean Fetlock Foalmes." My eyebrow twitched when I got very frustrated. I found that out in that exact moment.

"Excuse me, but I believe you were in the throes of your self-righteous rant about how I'm not the real princess?" Princess fakestia was still using the annoying motherly tone, but it was getting colder by the minute, nay, the second.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to interrupt someone else's conversation, Or were you mailed express from the dark stinking bowels of Hell by Satan himself?"

"Uuhhh."

"Imma just think yes, now either come clean, or I pick your bones clean."

"Fine, if you insist."

At that moment, the princess stood up and returned her form to its usual... not quite ugly, but... distasteful, look. Her once beautiful features returning to their weird insect-like shape. Her wise, knowing eyes changing to cunning, evil orbs. Her mouth no longer held that comforting smile that was usually associated with the princesses, but instead was contorted into an evil, sick sneer. Yep, good old bitchalis was back.

"How did you see through my facade?" Apparently, morphing made you temporarily brain dead. Herp-derp.

"You only boasted about how you stole Celestia for about five minutes. You ever think about giving someone else all that derp? I think Danny would love some Chrysalis derp."

"What is a derp?" Ah the innocence of evil changeling queens.

"It's, uhmm. How about we skip to the epic battle?"

"OR I could just teleport out of here and send my minions to kill you later."

"Aww, but that's no fu-." She obviously did it anyway. I was a little bummed we couldn't just end it, but that meant we could settle this in a much more satisfying genocide later. Wait what?

"Hey Kyle! We're here! Where's the queen chick and stuff?" Daniel was fashionably too late as usual.

"What were you doing for the last five minutes, you dumbcock?"

"I was trying to help the big guy get his ass in here."

"You could also have come in here and let him get in himself."

"Hey, I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Bull-fuckin'-shit dude! If you're a lover then I'm master chief.

"Does someone want to tell me exactly what's going on here?" Twilight was suitably surprised by the strange turn of events, and was still attempting to figure out what the actual fuck was happening.

"The princess, Fluttershy, and Glenn have been kidnapped by Chrysalis and taken to an unknown location."

"What! Any other crazy things you'd like to tell me?"

"Don't forget the invasion plans." Daniel of course knew when the best time to butt in with the crazy crap was.

"THE WHAT?!" Twilight was now freaking out like few others ever could. She looked like she was about to curl up into the fetal position and cry like a four year old. Spike though, was not giving a single fuck, and for that, I was thankful.

"Yeah! The queen is planning an invasion of Equestria, so that she can kill all of us and take the land for herself." Daniel obviously didn't know when to stop with the crazy shit.

"Which seems pretty stupid since they feed on love." I was not helping with my logic, but I was absolutely going to add my two cents.

"So let me get this straight. Fluttershy, Glenn and the princess have been kidnapped by the same evil mastermind that wants to kill us and take over the land?"

"That's about what we've been trying to tell you over the course of the last ten minutes, Yep." I was just about out of patience, so I resolved to punch her in the face if she asked the question again.

"Okay. I'm just gonna close my eyes, and when I open them again, everything will be back to normal." Twilight's face had a crazy, wide-eyed smiled plastered on it. Her ear was twitching like it had when she went crazy in that one episode, and her hair had suddenly become mussed up. She was basically in crazy mode.

Needless to say, when she opened her eyes again, things had not gotten any better.

"You're still here! Why are you still here?"

"This isn't a dream Twilight." Danny was speaking soothingly, something I never thought possible. I was half expecting to wake up now.

"Nononononono. This has to be a dream, there's no other explanation." Twilight was still freaking out, and I was getting a bit impatient. So I slapped Twilight in the face.

"Oooww! Hey!" Twilight was instantly back to her old self again. I was surprised that actually worked, it was rather convenient.

"Sorry, but you weren't seeing reason." I was totally not sorry, but it didn't matter right then anyway.

"You're right, I get a bit weird when I hear things like that. I'm guessing you still want your friend back?"

"Hell yeah we want him back!" Danny seemed enthused, which was a bit unusual, but then again, it was his friggin' boyfriend we were talking about.

"Well, before that, we need to tell princess Luna, and we should get the rest of the girls together. They need to know what's happening, we'll take care of this."

"Well, if we're doing any more walking today, then I'm gonna need some big boy boots." I was seriously in need of some shoes. My feet were killing me.

"Uhh. I guess Rarity could help you out with that."

"Thanks."

Ten minutes later. (*o*)

I was currently standing at the door of the Carousel Boutique in Ponyville. It was even more horrible than I imagined. I always hated shopping for clothes, and getting clothes made for my *Ahem* manfully bulky frame, was going to be half the hell of this entire journey. For a few minutes I just stood in front of the door and sweated nervously while I contemplated the ramifications of what I was about to do.

" *Knock knock* Oooohhh Raaaarrrriiiiittyyyy!" Daniel called in an annoying sing-song voice. Dammit all.

"Coooommiiiingg!" Cue the equally annoying sing-song of Rarity. Fuck my life.

"What the fuck dude?" Danny always did have a way of annoying me.

"You were just standing there. Did you want me to wait here while you whacked yourself off or something?"

"I seriously hope you mean kill myself."

"You wish dude."

Rarity opened the door before my expertly worded, and skilfully described opinion of what I thought of him could leave my lips.

"Hello Daniel. Hello Kyle. What brings you here?" Oh this should turn out real smooth.

"We need some shoes. We're going to be walking quite a bit more, and it's not fun in just socks." Daniel was actually going straight to the point. *gasp*

" *Weird Rarity exclamation with sparkly eyes* You mean, you need new outfits!" I was not liking where this was going.

"Uuuuhhh yes. Yes! We need new clothes as soon as possible." Dammit Danny, you are the most enormous reta-er, not smart guy, I have ever met.

"Yes! Yesyesyes! I'll get started on both your new looks right away!" No! Nonono! Fuck.

A couple minutes later

I was standing in front of the mirror in an ankle length black robe with red clouds, a ridiculously high collar, and too long sleeves. New look my ass, this was just the Akatsuki robes from Naruto. Did that make Danny Daedero? Except, that would mean I was Toby. Fuck no.

"Hmm. Too restricting." Thank God Rarity at least had some sense.

The next look was another black robe with a hooded cloak. The robes from the movie Priest? I was surprised at how annoying the robe was, considering how awesome it looked. We were slowly getting better.

"Too creepy." That was fair.

After the last came a pair of jeans with a purple and white jacket sporting a fleur-de-lis symbol on the back, and a pair of sneakers. Was this the Johnny Gat look? Who the fuck was showing her this shit?

"How did you come up with these?" I refused to believe that this was all the product of her mind.

"Oh who doesn't want to be Johnny Gat?"

"What?"

"Nevermind. Onwards and upwards!"

Next came a sweater with a brown, knee-length overcoat, and a pair of slacks. It was almost exactly like the Doctor Who look. It was like she was trying to taunt me.

"Too warm."

After that came a shirt, pants, ankle length coat, and shoes. All of which were black, with a pair of black sunglasses to complete it. Perhaps we finally had an original look, but it still seemed vaguely familiar.

"Too... black."

After about six more outfits involving parachute pants, suspenders, and other things you were likely to find being worn by Elton John or a weird old guy stuck in the 80's. Or was that still Elton John? We finally got to a look that really worked for the both of us.

We walked out of Rarity's in khaki cargo pants, shin length black boots, white tee-shirts, and black vests. I had acquired a pair of brown sunglasses while inside, and promptly put them on as we got outside, even though the sun was setting since it was getting on past eight o'clock. Daniel had his tinted prescription glasses, and was managing to be almost as awesome as me. My survival knife was now attached to my belt instead of illegally hidden inside my pocket like before.

"Do you think we should have told her about what was going on?" Daniel asked calmly.

"Nah." I said. We had enough problems as it was.

"Wasn't Twilight gonna get the girls together?" Daniel asked.

"Yep. So I don't have to care anyway."

"I like the way you're thinking."

We had it all planned out, we'd go make a quick stop at Twilight's, have spike send a letter to Luna so we didn't have to listen to Twilight bitch about how it was dangerous to go alone, then find our way to Canterlot to plan our next move. A simple plan, one that was slightly less likely to fail than most of our other plans. Perfect.

Twi's house was all of three minutes walk away from the boutique, so it was pretty easy going. The whole 'message Luna without alerting the bitch' plan went off smoothly. We found a map and started our walk there. It looked like we were home free, until a certain pony called out to us. Or, more specifically, me.

"Hey sweetie! I'm ready to go!" There were two ways that sentence could be interpreted, and I wasn't sure which one was worse. I turned around and saw none other than my wife, Vinyl, slowly making her way to us. She had a strange square wub-like device on her back about as big as she was. It looked like she was having a bit of trouble carrying it. Guess she'd just have to stay behind, what a shame.

"What's that thing on your back?" Danny sure knew how to ask the questions that ended up screwing me over.

"Aw it's nothin' much. It's just mah BASS CANNON 2!" I was getting the strange vibe that I usually got when something I really didn't like but would have to deal anyway with was about to happen.

"Dude. She is going with us." Danny was using his serious voice, which meant that it was going to happen unless I killed him. I came closer than ever to commiting homicide that day. Daniel didn't seem to notice, and instead took the bass cannon off Vinyl's back and put the strap around his shoulder.

"Thanks Manny." Vinyl said as she stretched her back like a dog and began walking with us.

"It's Danny." Daniel said as he tried to hand the thing to me.

"It was your idea to bring her with, you carry it asshole."

"Dude. She's your wife."

"Don't fuckin' start this with me dude."

"Just carry it you bitch."

"Fine, but you owe me asshole."

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

"Fuck you man."

"Are you ladies done yet?" Vinyl didn't fuck around. This could get sketchy.

"And try walking faster. Like you would if you weren't morbidly obese. This was gonna be one hell of a walk.

A True Evil

The walk to Canterlot consisted mostly of me carrying a giant wub on my back and Danny bitching at me to go faster, followed closely by Vinyl calling Danie something along the lines of "shove it up your shitter shucklecock". This cycle of ridiculous dialogue was broken only by the strange happenings that permeated the journey there, the details of which will not be discussed at this time. Suffice to say, that shit was weird, and the story will be told later.

After about three hours of this anomalous shit that could be entered into the SCP files as a friggin euclid level artifact, we finally made it to the outskirts of Canterlot. Even though it was probably around eleven o'clock when we made it there, the city was still bustling and lit up like a torch. Once inside, it was a simple matter of giving the royal guards a form of paper identification to be allowed into the city to see Luna. Except that's not what happened, Daniel and I were detained using extreme force and promptly sealed in a dungeon cell pending interrogation by the princess herself. So I guess it worked out okay in the end. Vinyl was sent to a different cell pending a psyche evaluation to make sure she wasn't under the control of our "alien telapathy".

After about three hours or so of confinement, during which I slept for two hours and Daniel told me the story of how he is considered a deity in a church that considers above average intelligence to be a sign of godhood (he seriously told me this story, I bullshit you not), the pretty princess finally decided to make her appearance.

The iron reinforced wooden door opened with all the slow certainty of immanent demise, the hinges squealing like an impaled pig as they slowly opened to reveal princess Luna in her madbro form.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME AFTER LAST NIGHT?" The royal Canterlot voice was like a .380 auto in a confined space with no hearing protection, and I was confident I would have permanent hearing loss before I ever left this crazy town.

"What?" Daniel and I spoke as one, we were both equally confused on the crazy shit that seemed to be happening with stunning regularity.

"NOT YOU, KYLE, AND CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR WEDDING, VINYL SCRATCH PERFECTLY COMPLIMENTS YOUR ALREADY ERRATIC AND UNPREDICTABLY CRAZY BEHAVIOR. DANIEL! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY TEACH YOU AT HOME, BUT YOU DO NOT SIMPLY..." At this point, Luna glanced back to look at the two guardsponies standing behind her to her left and right. She made a motion with her hoof, and the guards promptly nodded and walked away from her. Luna didn't speak again until the door that lead from the dungeon to the other parts of wherever the hell we were opened and closed again. Luna looked to make sure they were gone, then spoke in a more normal, (but still hostile and angry) volume.

"But you do not simply have intercourse with a mare and then leave her to continue with more debauched acts. Especially when that mare is a princess." Danny had sex with Luna. My life was at an end. Even if we miraculously survived this ordeal, I would be promptly inundated with calls about how he fucked a fucking pony princess. I would be doomed to forever have to picture his description of the terrible ways in which he sodomized a millenia old being. What was that about my crazy personality?

"How could you do that to my sister?" Oh here it... WHAT!

"Celestia is the most caring, kindhearted mare in the entire world, and you used her like a ho-pony. She may forgive you, but I don't. Give me one good reason I shouldn't kill you right now." Danny was well and truly screwed. I was his friend, and I couldn't think of a reason for him to continue to exist.

"Because Celestia's been stolen by Chrysalis and you need our help to get her back?" Danny was sure quick on the draw.

"Do you really thi- WHAT!?" Luna was visibly surprised, as in very visibly surprised.

"You didn't get the letter? Spike sent it like four hours ago." It's Kyle to the rescue with now useless information! Da da da daa!

"I didn't get a letter honey, Spike makes mistakes sometimes when sending letters to me. We still don't know exactly what goes wrong." Did she call me honey? Oh please tell me she meant honey like when a waitress takes your order at a restaurant.

SCP-2955

Item # : SCP-2955 and attached articles 02-17

Object Class: Keter/Euclid/Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2955-02 through SCP-2955-17 are to be stored in hermetically sealed stainless steel box measuring 30x10x10 cm at all times except when under examination. This is not due to any deleterious effects on human psychology or physiology, but to preserve SCP-2955-02 through SCP-2955-17 against decay. Examination of SCP-2955-02 through SCP-2955-17 are to be carried out only by trained personnel of clearance level two (2) or higher. digital copies are available for attached personnel of rank one (1) and lower.

SCP-2955 is to be housed in a 10x10x10 m square room. subject is to be treated as any other humanoid subject. Subject is to be given basic needs required by other human beings (clothing, food, water, bedding, furniture etc.). Subject may be given certain items as requested, so long as items do not constitute a breach of security. Subject may be tested or examined with authorization of class-2 personnel or higher.

Description: SCP-2955 is a caucasian woman about 1.71 m tall. Her hair is a deep midnight blue, which seem to contain constellations not visible from Earth at this time. Her eyes are also a very dark blue. Subject seems to possess a very high intelligence, scoring a 175 on I.Q. tests. Subject appears to be in early twenties, though it claims to be many millenia old. Subject has fluent understanding of over eight hundred (800) languages and dialects, including ancient Sumerian, Aztech, Mayan, ancient Egyptian, Swahili, Mongolian, and several other unidentified languages. When subject was first discovered, it was not overtly hostile, but seemed to be suffering from severe narcissism, claiming that it would rule the world.While in this state, subject stated that its name was [expunged]

Subject came to Foundation attention in [expunged] after several reports of a woman speaking in several different tongues and using what appeared to be telekinesis to damage [expunged] killing [expunged] Witnesses were given class-A amnesiacs and families were told that loved ones died in tragic accidents. Subject remained a Euclid class SCP for the next [expunged] years. After which it appeared to go through a paradigm shift in mood, even claiming a different name. Subject has since been designated safe, as it no longer seems to pose a threat to any individual.

SCP-2955-02 through SCP-2955-17 are several scrolls that have recently been sent from an unknown individual that claims to call itself [expunged] its relation to the children's show [expunged] is being investigated at this time. SCP-2955-01 claims to have no knowledge of their purpose or intent, and subject has past all lie detector tests given to it.

The scrolls do not seem to contain any vital information, mostly appearing to be messages having to do with day to day occurences, with the exception of the last scroll, which details what seems to be a plan to foil an attempt at an invasion of a place named [expunged] Examinations are underway to determine if they could pose a threat to humanity.

Note: Subject may be of use as a translator. Secure cooperation as soon as possible. Dr. [expunged]

Note: Any personnel caught flirting with SCP-2955 will be immediatly demoted and moved to another project. Remember to be professional and courteous at all times. Dr [expunged]

Note: There are two names mentioned in SCP-2955-17 that do not match the patterns of the other names. "Kyle" and "Daniel" may in fact be from our planet. I want reports on all missing persons named Kyle or Daniel on my desk as soon as possible-Commander Stractner

"Why'd you call me honey?" I was about to hate my life even more.

"You don't remember our little escapade last night." Danny made that amused sound in his throat. I just stared in shock.

"Personally I think it's a bit awkward on your wedding night, but it was totally worth it for me. Was it worth it for you?" If I had gone the rest of my life without knowing I lost my virginity to a pony. I would have been much better off, but no, God has to rub my face on the floor like a mop. I felt like that one guy in hangover part 2. The one that had sex with the boob dude hooker.

"Anyway, what do you mean Celestia has been kidnapped?"

"I mean, that Celestia, whilst enraptured in her goings on, didst become entangled in a dastardly scheme to abscond with the rulers of your fair land, and their residents, and in turn replace them with their own pawns in a hostile takeover of you glorious land." Fuck it, I couldn't let all this creepy shit phase me anymore. Nothing was going to surprise me from now on. I would get plenty of time to vent when I beat the shit out of some changelings later.

"Oh! Why didn't you just say that before?" Oh of course, cause how I said it was much easier to understand. Right? Daniel was just looking at me funny, as well he might since he found out I had a pony princess in bed last night.

"Well, I suppose the elements of harmony should be along to fix things shortly."

"Actually, they're some of the major targets now." Great fuckin' job Danny. You're just a fuckin' Hannibal Smith-alike ain't ya.

"WHAT!?" The royal Canterlot voice sucked, I hope she didn't yell like that when she came. "Do you mean to tell me that you left them alone when you could've been protecting them!?" Now she was pissed again, just what we needed.

"They can handle themselves. Except Fluttershy, she's already been stolen." DAMMIT DANIEL. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

"WHAT? ONE OF THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY HAS BEEN PONY-NAPPED AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!" Daniel, I am going to murder you. Then I'm going to mail your brain to a lab to see if a cure can be found for stupidity syndrome.

"We're telling you now aren't we?" Don't implicate me in this Daniel.

"Fine! *sigh* What's done is done. We need to find out where they're holding them, and soon. Otherwise we're probably finished."

"They also took Glenn." FUCKIN' GODDAMMIT TO FUCKING HELL DANNY. JUST DROP THE FUCK DEAD RIGHT NOW YOU FUCKING DUMBASS MORON.

"Who?"

"Our friend Glenn. Human, like us, but shorter. Had a broken arm."

"Ah yes, I remember him now. He was with Fluttershy almost the whole night. They really hit it off. Left the party as soon as they could. Just like me and *giggle* Kyle." I had a rictus grin glued on my face, but I was making little whimpering noises inside my head. How I ended up like this is a mystery I would never be able to solve.

"So, now that you know what's going on. What are we going to do?" Daniel was asking someone else? Unprecedented!

"Well, we're going to leave this jail cell, and go somewhere more comfortable." Where have I heard the phrase 'somewhere more comfortable' before? "Then, we are going to figure out exactly where these fiends have taken Celestia, Fluttershy, and your friend Glenn."

"So you have no idea where they are?"

"No"

"Okay, then. How are we finding out?"

"Magic."

"Okay. Sweet."

"I assume you want Vinyl with you as well?" nononononoNONONONO!

"Yes, that would be best." FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

"Good then. We'll continue this in my chambers."

After about twenty minutes of walking through the ridiculously large palace, we finally made it to the private chambers of the princess. After opening the gilded teak doors, I was immediately struck by the opulence of the room, and the complete lack of use it seemed to get from its owner. The most used piece of furniture in the entire place was the desk, which was currently stacked with about eight shitloads of papers. I guess she really was busy. No wonder she wasn't seen in the show.

"We can speak privately in here." Luna said quietly.

"Great. So where's Glenn?" Danny was being a bit impolite. We were sure to get real far with his dumb ass talking.

"He's in the same place you're going."

"Isn't that obvious?" Danny was always one to call someone out.

"Well, I don't think you'll be getting there the way you wanted to. Nor will you be meeting him under fortuitous circumstances."

"What?"

"FOOLS! IT IS I! CHRYSALIS! QUEEN OF THE CHANGELINGS!" Sure enough, Luna morphed back into the Queen of the changelings.

"Again?!"

"OH FUCK! PLEASE TELL ME I DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH YOU LAST NIGHT!" On the disturbing scale, making love to Chrysalis rated as a 30, out of ten. Luna was only like a 9.

"Do you think I would ever deign to let you touch me?"

"Oh. *Whew* Ha ha! I didn't have sex with a giant bug! Thank Christ."

"WHAT? Am I not good enough for you? I am a queen!"

"I would sooner have sex with the queen of England."

"We'll see about that! Come and love me you stupid creature!" If she expected anything but a foot up her ass, she was in for quite a surprise.

"How about no?"

"Why not?"

"Because, no. What exactly was your plan?"

"I will overpower both of you, and then take you to my dungeons, where you will face pain beyond your worst nightmares."

"You realize you pretty much had us fooled right? You could have given us false directions that led us to an army of your minions. Or you could have given us false directions that led to the wilderness, where we would have eventually died of starvation or been killed by wild animals. You could have left us in our cell, and we would have been no use to anyone in the coming fight. You could have had the guards kill us on sight, or had us executed, but you instead chose to bring us to a soundproof location, alone, without any sort of protection or trap of any sort planned for us. Is that about right?"

"When you put it that way, she sounds pretty stupid."

"No shit Danny."

"I am no imbecile!"

"You coulda fuckin' fooled me! You sure you aren't disguised as an idiot or something?"

"Insolent worms!"

*Knock* *Knock*

The knock at the door weirded us all out, but then the door opened to reveal none other than Vinyl Scratch, toting the square wub I carried all the way here.

"What exactly is that?"

"Aww nothin' much it's just mah BASS CANNON BEEEEAAAAATTTCCHHHH!" Vinyl then pressed the red button conveniently located on the top. The front of the wub opened to reveal that the inside was glowing blue and red. The sound it made while charging was like a building electric guitar and bass beat. suddenly, it seemed to stop building, and stayed at a steady beat. The red button suddenly lit up to green. Danny and I had just enough time do dive away before she slammed her hoof down on the button.

We would later find out that the shockwave from the explosion destroyed windows almost two miles away. Residents in Ponyville were woken from their rest by a sound like a giant explosion of dubstep music. The beam from the base cannon left a 6 meter diameter hole in the castle tower. destabilizing the roof and causing parts of it to fall. No one was hurt by the debris, but it reportedly destroyed a hay fries stand and crushed an apple wagon. The twisting blue and red beam continued after going through the wall, the explosion was caused when the beam hit the mountain. The concentrated expanding wave sound particle beam (C.E.W.S.P.B.) impacted the mountain at the speed of light, but due to the paradox of sound traveling at the speed of light, a small event horizon was effectively created. The entire top of the mountain was destroyed by the explosion of solid particle sound, and the event horizon sent the remaining debris into another dimension of space time. Needless to say, it was the coolest fucking thing ever.

I managed to get the chunks of masonry off my body and stand up after being unconscious for only ten minutes. My head felt like it was being pounded with hammers, every heartbeat was a chorus of agonies in my head. I had a concussion, fuckin' great. Danny tapped my shoulder, he was trying to tell me something, but I couldn't hear a word. I tried to tell him, but he didn't seem to hear me either. It was only then that I noticed his ears were bleeding. reached up and touched mine, blood and another liquid were coming out of my ears. That explosion must have popped my eardrums. Fucking kick ass.

I looked around the wreck formerly known as Luna's room. She was gonna kill us when she found out what happened. As if I cared. Chrysalis was nowhere in sight. Instead, a huge gouge in the floor and a giant hole greeted my blurry eyes. I smiled, it looked like it was finally over. All we had to do was find our friends now. I turned around and saw Vinyl standing up slowly, and painfully. I staggered over as fast as I could. Forgive me father, for I am about to sin. I kissed Vinyl, I kissed her so hard. We were literally rolling on the ground for a good minute.

I stood up and smiled at Danny. Then I punched him in the face and put his lights right back out. My enemies were dead, my wife was horny, and my friend was out cold. All we had to do was find Glenn and the rest, and we could finally be done with all this crazy shit.

Ground zero, anomaly site B-3. 1.13 kilometers from Canterlot. Threat level: Alpha Red priority. Immediate response by level B-4 personnel or higher neccesary as per protocol C-34-14 enacted by princess Celestia in C.R. 567.

Agent Whiteburrow surveyed the anomaly with a practiced eye. He had seen things like this before, usually just before things started crawling out of them. A portal to a different dimension was never a good thing, though judging by how unstable it was, it would either fade into non-existence, or explode into non-existence soon. Either one was fine with him, he'd seen those a hundred times before in his life, but he'd also seen what happened when they didn't close fast enough. The things that came out of rifts like that, were usually responsible for lots of dead agents, and lots of post-traumatic stress disorder and insanity cases.

"Sparrow! See anything from up there?" Whiteburrow called up from where he stood. No need to use radios when you were in easy hearing range.

"Not a damn thing sir!" He replied rather cheerfully.

'Good' thought Whiteburrow as he walked towards the black and purple sphere of anti-existence. Sparrow landed next to him a moment later and began walking with him.

"Remind me again how this happened." Whiteburrow said exasperatedly.

"Well sir, it seems that Vinyl Scratch fired a burst of partially solidified sound waves at the speed of light, and since sound isn't supposed to be able to go at light speed, it created a physically impossible situation which resulted in a localized event horizon rift in the fabric of space-time.

"So basically it was magic."

"About the gist of it sir, yes."

"Damn that woman and her stupid sonic weapons. She's nothing but a security breach with hooves. Yet the board still won't let us take her into custody."

"Why not sir?"

"Because Twilight Sparkle is head chairpony. Politics politics politics, Celestia-damned politics are what keep us from doing our jobs. You know this is the fifth time she's opened a rift? The first two were during testing, she nearly destroyed a research facility. The third was because she "thought it would be fun", the fourth was when she defeated Discord, and the fifth time, she's destroyed a mountain and caused hundreds of thousands of bits in damage. Maybe now Celestia will believe me, once we find her."

"We can only hope, sir." Sparrow said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

"Looks like the rift is about to close. We should be able to get the rest of the agents out of here soon and get back to the important things."

"Shall I start packing it up here?"

"Yeah, I think we should be in the clear by n-"

Whiteburrow stopped and stared at the rift, it had stopped closing, and a strange being was pulling its way out of the portal to nowhere.

"Contain that thing, now! Agents Blackbush and Eagle, get the others to close the perimeter. I want solid coverage on every square millimeter of space on the ground and in the sky. Nothing leaves without permission." Whiteburrow may have been a hothead when things were normal, but when things went to shit, he was cooler than ice, and clear as crystal.

The agents rushed to seal the gap and prevent the anomaly from escaping. They would fail. The thing that crawled out of the event rift was far too powerful to be contained by even the most hardened field agents of the P.A.E.C.D.A (Princess' Anomalous Event Containment and Destruction Agency). All the agents on site were disabled or killed in a matter of a few seconds.Last to fall was agent Whiteburrow, who saw enough to know what to expect and put a hoof in the thing's face as it tried to race by and slice his head of with its wing blades.

It barely flinched as it was struck, and Whiteburrow suffered multiple fractures to his right foreleg. The anomaly in question struck out with a contemptuous leg. The strike broke several of Whiteburrow's ribs, and he was catapulted almost twenty meters by the blow. Whereupon his head struck a rock and he was knocked unconscious. The last thing he saw before this was a solid black coat and sparkling dark blue hair.

The anomaly finished its violent rampage and looked back upon the carnage it had caused.

"I hope I didn't break a hoof over any of those foal's heads back there. It's bad enough I have to deal with all the blood." Nightmare Moon regarded both of her front hooves and her bloodstained coat and mane, both of which seemed changed. Her coat was the same black as it had always been, but her cutie mark had turned a shade of blood red. Her hair had also changed, becoming a deep crimson, the color of arterial spray.

"My my. I should take bloodbaths more often, they do wonders for the hair." Nightmare seemed almost amused at having just killed and injured nearly fifty agents.

"After my rather embarrassing defeat last time, I should think they'll laugh if I come in telling of how the night will last forever, and the whole Nightmare Moon thing is rather tiresome anyway, but I think I shall rename myself, they say it's never too late to change right? Hah hah hah hah. Oh I suppose I might as well go with the first thing that comes to mind. Bloodmoon sounds rather appropriate. Has a very nice ring to it. Well, what to do now? Perhaps I'll pay a visit to dear old Celestia and Luna. I wonder what they bleed?" Bloodmoon looked down to her hooves and licked the blood off of her boots, yet the armor remained the same deep crimson as her hair.

"Time to be a proper evil, I haunt nightmares no longer, now I shall make them reality." The alicorn formerly known as Nightmare Moon flashed a smile, revealing teeth that even now were sharpening themselves to points. She then took to the skies, on a clear path towards the city of Canterlot.

Got Some Time to Kill

I was still a bit screwed up by the concussion, but the doctors had managed to fix my eardrums with magic. It would apparently be a few hours before Danny woke up from his coma after sustaining "cranial trauma due to falling debris." That meant it was just me and Vinyl for a while.

"So honey, wanna go maybe get a hotel room?" I should not have kissed her earlier, we still had people to find.

"We need to focus on finding Glenn and everyone else first."

"Should I go get my Bass cannon again?"

"NO! Er I mean, that won't be necessary."

"Okay, so where should we start looking?"

"Well, I think we should check under the metaphorical rug."

"What?"

"Do you know anybody who can get into the catacombs under the city?"

"Isn't that where she kept Cadence last time? Why would she put them in the same place twice?"

"Because she's a dumb bitch?"

"That makes perfect sense to me, and it shouldn't."

"That's the story of my life. Get used to it."

"Yeah, let's go find a guard."

"Cause I'm sure they'll tell us about secret passages and things like that."

"Just watch me husband. Watch as I work my feminine wiles on these simple minded fools."

Vinyl walked towards the nearest guard, strutting like a model the whole time. The guard was still as a statue, and appeared to not give a single fuck.

"Hey soldier boy." She was using what was apparently the sexiest voice she had. Damn it was hot.

"What is it citizen?" You've gotta be shitting me. The fuckin' guard voice from Oblivion?

"How 'bout you show me where the entrance to the caves under Canterlot, and maybe I could show you the entrance to MY caves." She accented her badly hidden innuendo by quickly raising and lowering her eyebrows. My heart was beating faster just thinking about it, but the guard still didn't give a fuck.

"Move along citizen." That sonofabitch.

Vinyl walked away from the guard, and somehow shrugged.

"Sorry honey, these guys are robots."

"It's okay, but hang on a second, I gotta try something first." I walked up to the guard with a clear purpose in mind.

"I need directions."

"Of course citizen. where do you want to go?"

"The catacombs under Canterlot."

"Of course citizen. The nearest entrance to the catacombs is a sewer grate behind Thorn's Odds and Ends. It's just up the street, and to the left."

"Thanks."

"You know I used to be an adventurer like you-"

"Let me guess. You took an arrow to the knee?"

"No."

"Then I don't give a fuck. So shut your face." I then did an about face, and followed the directions he gave me to the grate. Sure enough, there was a rusty grate that appeared to be labeled 'sewers'. It took about ten seconds of pulling at the handles to finally get the damn thing off, whereupon I wondered why ponies would make sewer grates with handles meant for human hands.

"Mhm mhm. Don't that just smell like dandelions and roses." Vinyl was being sarcastic, but I was too focused on the putrid odor wafting out of it.

"No! It smells like shit! Because it's shit!"

"Well duh, it's a sewer, and you don't have to use that tone of voice."

"Okay fine. That smell doth remind me of the urine and feces of many thousands of individuals."

"Yeah yeah. Don't get all Shankspear on me." I did a very epic double take, followed by a brief Tebo. I then decided that we shouldn't waste any more time. I wanted to get them back through the sewage with enough energy to laugh at Glenn and the princesses' faces before I passed out from exhaustion. I very tentively climbed down the rusted ladder (what?) and stepped into the shit, literally.

I was immediately up to my knees in shit. AIDS anyone? I looked back up to see Vinyl trying to use the ladder like I had. Unfortunately, ladders are made for those with thumbs, so she slipped and fell. Don't worry, I caught her.

"Thanks. I almost got the bath of a lifetime." I was busy looking around, and there appeared to be two ways we could go. North, or south. I figured north was best, since it went straight under the palace.

"You can put me down now." I had almost forgot I was even holding her, she was pretty light.

"Oh sure, let me just put you in some shit water, let you stew for a while, that way you can get AIDS and die.

"What's an aids?"

"Never mind. Where do you want me to put you?"

"On the thing on the side." I looked to my right, and sure enough, there was a little balcony type thing right there. Not big enough for me by any means, but just about right for Vinyl. I set her down on the thing next to me, and we began walking together. We tried not to talk during the journey, since that would have meant opening our mouths. Trust me, a couple hours in a shit bath was enough for me to nearly go completely crazy.

After what seemed like days of wading through unspeakable horrors, we reached a crossroads. Luckily, there was a sign conveniently placed above the fork that pointed to the place we wanted to go, convenient. We went right, and sure enough, there seemed to be a branch-off that lead slightly upwards.

The path had no lighting like the sewer did, so we couldn't see too far ahead into the dank tunnel. I used my awesome magic that I almost forgot I had to make a small light, and we began walking up the cobweb coated crevice. I just hoped we didn't run into a giant spider, but it was still an improvement over wading in shit.

After about thirty minutes of still being almost unable to breathe, we reached the whole crystal bullshit from A Canterlot Wedding. Since I had a severe lack of patience I sparta kicked through the crystal into a room. An empty room.

"Fuck shit cock dick penis ass pussy bitch bastard cunt balls bollocks damn dammit godamn this godamming godammit bullshit! I used just about every word in french I knew just then, and it still didn't convey my rage. So I started screaming at the top of my lungs and demolishing crystal walls with my fists like a crazy guy.

"Kyle."

I continued my nonsensical ranting and destruction of everything I could find.

"Kyle!"

I was not done, not by a long shot.

"KYLE!"

Vinyl came over and slapped me in the face. I was about to slap her like a bitch, but then I saw that she was pointing with a hoof towards a wall I had destroyed in my rage, and lo and behold, there were fluttershy, Glenn, and both the princesses. Tied up and squirming like fish out of water.

"Can you turn off the flaming hair please?" It was then that I noticed my hair was on fire. Not like burning up on fire, just flaming. Awesome. Still, it would have to go. I stood up and regained my composure. Then I slowly walked towards the place where they were being held captive. I untied each one in turn, and they all began rubbing the spots where they had been tied up. It looked like they'd actually been here since they were captured without receiving any food or water. Leave it to the queen to be too stupid to take care of her hostages.

"I guess you were in another castle. Huh Glenn?"

"What?" His voice was rather monotone and calm for a person who'd been sitting in a dark, shitty crystal cave for about a day.

"Never mind. Let's just get out of here."

*Maniacal laughter*

"What is that?" Glenn asked.

*Maniacal laughter*

"I know that laugh."

"Okay dude, Star Wars was cool, but you didn't need to reference it." I was a little amused, but we had to leave this shithole.

"You fell into my trap. Just as I planned."

*Sigh* "Okay. First rule of trapping. Make sure the target doesn't release the bait before you spring the trap, especially when the bait is two demigoddesses."

"It matters not. My army will kill you before you can even fight." I turned around and looked at her and her giant army of changelings.

"How the fuck do you know? You never even saw me fight. I could be an all powerful God here for all you know. You don't bring your whole army to the field at one time without knowing an enemy's strength. That's like combat 101. And why would you choose this spot? It's too cramped for your enormous numbers to make any difference, and plus, if we kill you, this all ends. How did you survive by the way? That cannon disintegrated a mountain."

"I got out of the way before it fired."

"What? You displayed intelligence? Amazing!"

"Don't patronize me."

"You keep using that word, but I don't think it means what you think it means."

"Enough of this! I'll take care of you myself."

The queen jumped down from her perch atop a crystal ledge, and walked slowly towards me. Her complete disdain and disrespect for me was all to visible in the look in her eyes. She was much too confident.

"Don't touch him you ugly bug!" Vinyl was suddenly in front of me. The fuck was she gonna do?

"Let me handle this Vinyl. I'm going this one alone."

"But Kyle! You lost a barfight with Lyra! How do you plan to beat the queen of the changelings?"

"Vinyl! Go over there and provide me with positive reinforcement. Now."

"Fine."

She went back over to Glenn and the rest, leaving me alone on the field with Chrysalis. Except for that changeling bastard trying to get behind me. I pretty much had Byakugan right now, I knew what that rat prick was doing almost before he did.

As expected, Chrysalis began pacing around to my left, moving in a large circle around me, trying to get an opening. I began mirroring her movement. I could let the little changeling behind me, but not the queen. She would flay me alive if I gave her the opportunity. The changeling was straight behind me now, if there was ever a time for it to play dirty, it was now. Sure enough, it started diving towards me.

"Look out!" I couldn't quite tell who shouted that, but it was about ten seconds too late, I was already reacting.

As the changeling came down, Chrysalis captured me in a telekinesis spell. She was trying to hold me down while the changeling raped my ass with its claws. Fuck that. I did a split second teleportation exactly one foot to the right. Putting my left elbow (I am left handed) about level with his ugly face. I appeared to have all the time in the world due to the combination of adrenaline and magic coursing through my bloodstream. The changeling's face impacted my elbow as I was bringing it back. Effectively doubling the force of a blow which would have already caused horrible injuries.

The changeling's exoskeleton audibly cracked when it hit my arm. I could see every give and break in its face as it continued to ram into my arm at absurdly slow motion. Then time seemed to speed up, and the changeling's head broke like it had been sledgehammered. Green blood exploded out of its head like a popped water balloon, and I got some new stains on my clothing that I wished had never happened in the first place.

I immediately felt an all-encompassing sense of guilt. I had never killed another truly intelligent being before, and now that I had, I didn't feel any sense of accomplishment, but I had others to defend, they would die if I didn't do this. So I didn't hesitate. I did a teleportation so that I was directly to the left of Chrysalis, facing towards her. I knew that teleportation still kept some of the momentum from traveling the intervening space between points A and B, I used this momentum to effectively clothesline the Queen by extending my left arm outwards into her face.

Chrysalis staggered backwards and shook her head. Her nose was bleeding a bit. Or was it her muzzle? Snout? Anyway, I had drawn first blood, which gave me a slight advantage. I chose to press the attack, I rapidly delivered a right hook, then a left, then a straight punch to the snout. She did a strange pulse at that moment that sent me back about twenty feet. I hit the ground rolling, and managed to recover, just in time to see a black blur coming my way. I suddenly felt magically infused adrenaline flooding my veins again. Looks like my second wind was right on time.

The queen's movements quite suddenly slowed to comically lethargic. I had all the time in the world to plan my strategy. She was coming at me superman style. One foreleg outstretched to hit me straight in the face. Should I use this to my advantage? No, too dangerous. Dodging out of the way was the best bet. I did a roll on the ground and jumped up to avoid the impending doom that was the queen's giant hoof.

She flew at the spot where my head had been only about a second ago, though it was about five for me. The queen was unprepared for me to avoid the attack, and landed rather badly on the ground. She used her wings to right herself and turned to face me. A look of pure rage etched on her now rather beat up features. It was time to wipe that look off her face for good.

She used a teleportation spell to attempt to get behind me. I somehow knew this before she even materialized, and my body was turning while my fist accelerated towards the spot where I sensed her face would be before her spell was even done. She materialized just in time to get a good look at my face before I planted my knuckles in hers. A little bit of blood and spit came out of her mouth as her head was catapulted to the side by the force of the impact. I followed up with a ballet spin and a downwards slam with the same fist, better to use the momentum to continue than to waste it by correcting and using the other fist.

Her head was still on its downward plunge into the dirt courtesy of yours truly, when I did another spin while making a quarter circle around her body so my leg was perpendicular to her spine when I slammed my booted foot into her stomach. I chose that area because it had no ribs, and would therefore cause much less damage to my foot than it would to her body. Of course, I neglected to remember that she had an exoskeleton, and it would therefore not matter where I hit her. Of course, there was a silver lining. I found out that the underbelly is a rather weak spot, because as my foot connected with her gut, there seemed to be about an inch and a half of give.

Chrysalis was visibly pained by the blow. As well she should have been, her hooves momentarily lost contact with the ground because of the sheer force of the blow. The queen teleported about one second later, but not to attack me, she wanted to get away from me for a second. She appeared on the balcony a little later. Time was speeding up again, and my senses were dulling. I was already breathing heavily, the combination of magic and heavy muscle use was already taking its toll. I was using magic to push my muscles beyond their normal limits, taking a risk to deal as much damage as I could in order to end the fight a bit quicker. I realized that I might need to be a bit more patient if I was to win this.

"You fight well for an insolent rat, but let's see how you deal with my children." The changelings behind her didn't appear to be particularly afraid, even after what I did to the last one that tried. This was going to be much more interesting than I thought. A group of changelings jumped into what was basically the arena. They did not look happy. I was going to have to think fast if I wanted to win this one.

le chapitre visage de palme

There are times in life where facepalms are the most acceptable way of emphasizing how much the actions of yourself or someone you know failed. This was not one of those times. To adequately explain how much of a complete failure Daniel's actions were would have required the hand of God himself. Since I lacked the literal hand of God, I had to settle for raging like a noob who lost at COD.

"HOW IN THE NAME OF FUCK DID YOU MANAGE TO FUCK THIS ONE UP DANNY!? I LITERALLY GAVE YOU THE FIGHT! I HAD IT IN THE BAG BEFORE YOU GOT THERE!" My face was as red as a beet, and veins were standing out like ropes on my neck.

"I do not think you were anywhere close to winning actually." Princess Celestia was a little too calm given the circumstances, but then again she was probably used to getting kidnapped by now.

"We agree. Thou dids't not have it "in the bag" as thou say." And why not add Luna to the bitchfest?

"Whoa! Your face is like a giant strawberry! *Le gratuitous Pinkie gasp* Are you a fruit? Because I love fruit! *Le whatever* That reminds me of this one time when a gay ass walked in to the bakery!" Daniel was about to say something very rude to me, and I was about to retaliate with something even more rude. We were expecting vivid pictures to be painted in each-other's heads. What we wren't expecting, was Pinkie Pie.

"What?" Daniel and I resorted to the old standby yet again.

"Well you see there was this donkey-" And suddenly it made perfect sense, and we no longer cared. What were we fighting about? Son. Of. A. Bitch. She is damn good at ending a fight.

"Well, now that that's over we can try to find a way out of here right?" Vinyl was sounding hopeful, too hopeful.

"Yeah sure. Just give me a second to figure out a plan." I was officially and conveniently calm. Now we could see if the fact that Whoever had locked us up was a complete retard could be turned to our advantage.

As I tried to find a spot not next to everyone else, I got a good look around the shitty accommodations we had been given. The prison cell was a fairly standard dungeon, like the ones you'd expect from medieval pony queens with a ridiculously large ego and ridiculously small brain. It was villains like this that made me fear for the next generation. Who would give my children a reason to kill without incurring the wrath of God and the law if not their enemies?

"You got a plan yet?" Danny was nagging me after five seconds, what an ass.

"You're in luck Danny, it just so happens I do. We will construct pickaxes by destroying the stone around us, then we will tunnel our way out."

"We don't have any wood for sticks, nor do we have a workbench, there's no way we can minecraft our way out of this."

"NO FUCKIN' SHIT! ARE YOU SURE?"

"Yes."

"Thing about plans Daniel, they take seconds, sometimes entire minutes to formulate."

"Fine, just let us know when you come up with something."

"Why am I even the one making the plans? I am more than willing to admit when someone knows more than me, and I somehow feel like the thousand year old pseudo-goddesses know more than me about things like this."

"Uhhhh." Celestia was fumbling about -3 seconds into the conversation. Not a good sign.

"Are you about to say something I don't like? Because if you are, you better make it sound pretty fucking good. Or you'll be getting the business end of a boot up your a-"

"Hello my pets. Are we feeling at home?" Well that was a dynamic entry.

"You should probably bring this place up to code. I don't see how this is stable." Daniel the smartass in town 'till whenever the fuck someone kills him.

"I'll take that as a yes then. Anyway, it's time to find out which one of you is going to be my lover."

"I'll do it! Er, uh, if you have to pick somebody that is." Oh Danny you weird vaginacologist you.

"What? What kind of weird shit is that?" I was honestly trying not to laugh. This was probably the most ridiculously weird thing that I had heard since coming here.

"Exactly what would this job entail?" Of course it would be Danny again.

"You will provide food for the horde. Through the gift of your love. If none will volunteer, then I shall take it by force." That was sounding pretty creepy right now actually.

"That sounds really weird. Why the hell would you do that?" I was pretty sure I would never understand all this weird shit, but I was also sure I didn't care.

Meanwhile, the queen was already walking out ith Dann- well, that was fast. I should probably have expected things like this from Danny by now, but I somehow missed these things. Why the hell did this weird stuff keep happening? Why did I keep stopping to contemplate this shit like philosoraptor?

"Are you not worried that they are taking your friend?" Celestia was concerned. It was actually pretty funny.

"I am not at all worried actually. Are you worried Glenn?"

"Not really. Chrysalis is in for a big surprise if she thinks she's gonna be leading though." Glenn was still pretty stoic considering the situation, but that was just Glenn.

"What do you mean?" Oh damn, she was in for the elaboration of her life.

"He means, that Danny is pretty much a sexual cerberus. Danny would lay anything, anytime, anywhere, because he's in a magical ponyland and nothing's gonna stop him."

"That sounds like him, yes. Isn't he dreamy?" Well. Huh. I was not surprised at this comment, I did not bat an eyelash when Celestia went from normal to sexual reminescence in less than a second. Fuck. Just. Fuck.

"Geez, Danny's an animal." The blue haired pony DJ just called my human friend an animal, and I could agree with it, and that was saying something.

I put my hands over my face and spent the next ten minutes silently asking God why I was in this situation. As usual, I didn't really get a straight answer from him. That was pretty normal, I usually found out why after it was over. That's how it always went with things like this. Er, things remotely similar to this.

"So! How's the plan coming along?! Huh? Huh? Huh? You got a great plan yet? I hope it involves cupcakes! Cuz I love cupcakes!" Again with that amazingly cheerful voice. Somebody get me some Tylanol.

*still yet more le Pinkie gasp* "That reminds me of the time I had to break out of unlawful incarceration this other time!"

And some Aspirin.

"...So they were talking about soap and stuff..."

And Vaikaden.

"...Then one of them was watching me all the time..."

Maybe Aleve too.

"...Trying to touch me all weird..."

A beaver tranquilizer.

"...And they forgot to search me for shanks..."

Coffee, lots of coffee. Fucking jugs of coffee.

"...the blood was everywhere..."

Maybe some scotch or other hard liquor.

"...Why did they think that hitting me with the sword would work? They had a tank..."

Some Alka-Seltzer tablets.

"And that's how Cadia was saved!"

"What?" It seemed I was the only one that found this strange.

"Anyway, we could use the key to get out."

"What key Pinkie?"

"The one I got off the guard when I went to the mare's room."

"When did you do that?"

:While you and Danny were arguing."

"How did you get out?"

"Through the door. Duh."

"How did you get through the door?"

"It was unlocked."

The entire group contained in the not-so-imprisoning-cell, at that moment, made a collective face-hoof/palm. The likeness of its complete epicness has not been seen since.

Pretty much just drugs and sex

As I sat there looking at Pinkie, a fresh palm shaped red mark on my forehead, I was reminded of just how stupid life could really be at times. Allow me to sum up events. Danny breaks physics and sends us first class to his wet dream. We go to a party and end up hangover styling an entire day, complete with Danny sleeping with ponies and me drinking metric fuck-liters of alchohol and marrying the DJ. We find out Glenn is missing and go out looking for him. We find out that Glenn has been jacked to world 8 Mario style. We end up finding a master sorcerer of Tzeentch because why the fuck not. From there, we go to the part where kidnapper, A.K.A. Chrysalis, is spending way too much time drinking tea and not enough time going through with kidnapping and shit. We expose her like a drunk dude exposes parts of his anatomy, and she runs away, again. Following this, we skip to the part where she is impersonating a deity and doing an actual good job of it, only to stop as soon as she's no longer in public with the Canterlot guards that would spring to help her in the bat of an eyelash. Vinyl uses science and wave motion sound particles to Death Star Chrysalis and the entirety of a fucking mountain. We then decide that she would probably be retarded enough to hide people in the same spot as before, and after hours of walking through shit, we reach all the people we know and love. I of course mean love in the loosest translation of the word. Anyway, we find out that Chrysalis is somehow still alive, (she probably reflected the beam with her empty ditz skull), and now has a small army at the gates of Canterlot. I lay down an ass whipping on the noobs before Danny arrives and knocks me out with his fat ass. I wake up two steps short of being a prison bitch in a shitty dungeon cell. I am awake not twenty minutes before Danny becomes an actual sex slave, which I had honestly expected would be his vocation anyway, but the real kicker is the fact that after all this shit i've been through, Pinkie waited until after Danny became a bitch to tell me that the fucktard of an enemy we are fighting left the fucking cell door unlocked. Which is actually pretty funny when you think about it.

"Pinkie. Why exactly did you wait to tell us the door was unlocked?'' I was being very patient with her, I was calm, I was controlled, and I was ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LIVID.

"Because I didn't want us to leave yet, duh." That pink slut was copping a tone with me. Motherfucker.

"Why would we not want to get out of this ass dump of a cell Pinkie?" I just had to hear this one.

"Because I knew Chrysalis would be coming and I didn't want to run into her, because I had to know how many guards there were, and I think it was funny that she made Danny a bitch!" She was speaking in that same ditzy tone, but I could hear intelligent explanations and complete sentences with correct punctuation in them. What the hell?"

"I know right? How do you hear punctuation in a sentence?" Pinkie said strangely. Wait, what did she just say?

"I said how do you-"

"Alright we get it Pinkie, you can read minds. You don't have to rub it in." That was always going to creep me out.

"Well if it makes you uncomfortable, then I won't do it anymore."

"Just- *Le exasperated sigh* You know what? I don't even care anymore. Just do whatever the fuck you want Pinkie. I'm done. I'm just gonna sit right here, and wait until the changelings come and make me a love slave for the rest of my natural life." I reinforced this statement by sitting my ass down on the floor and doing nothing.

"Awww honey, you don't need to be so down. Being a changeling whore forever isn't bad." You know, that was strange. I could have sworn that my wife was encouraging me to be a male escort for a love-sucking monster. Or was that marriage?

"Sooo your totally fine with me, your husband, being a bro tool for a bunch of emo black vampire ponies. Is that right?"

"Why should I care? I'm one of them after all." And at that moment, Vinyl Scratch turned into a thing straight out of the Brothers Grimm. Is that a pony? Noooope, just a changeling.

*Le collective gasp* and *Le Glenn giving no fucks and/or shits*

"What the fuck bro? Why would you do this to me?" Everyone in the room clearly wasn't expecting this kind of shit. I felt at that moment like I should castrate myself and join a monkhood. I had such bad taste in women when I was sauced.

"I obviously did this so I could feed off of your love. You dumbass." It had a man voice. I married a guy. I MARRIED A DUUUUDE. FUUUUUUUUCCKKK. *Le crying*

"How drunk do I have to get to marry a dude changeling pony?! COME THE FUCK ON!"

"Drunk? Drunk is something you do when you're depressed. You partied. You and Danny were stoned, high, tripping, and hammered. All at the same time. There is no way you would have double-deckered Twilight's toilet, rubbed your balls on every one of the cupcakes on the hour devours table, or done kereoke of Whiite Snow's "Animal" if you weren't on more drugs than Ami Winehouse." And suddenly, it all made sense. The reason I couldn't remember anything I did the night before. The reason I was somehow married to a thing from a cartoon. The reason Danny had sex with all those- well he would have done that anyway but, the reason the ponies would allow him to do things to them that no human being should ever do.

"Pinkie, what was I on last night?" I just had to ask.

"Did you drink one of my Pinkie specials?"

"I don't remember."

"That's a yes then. Soooo hmmmm let's see. Oh! You had: 3 hits of heroin, 2 grams of powdered caffeine, 2 grams of cocaine, 4 hits of acid, 2 tablespoons of weed, ruphies, a dash of morphine, and 1 gram of meth, all blended together with 8 ounces of single malt whiskey with adrenalin added to taste."

"How am I alive?" I- Whatever, I may as well just admit that God isn't going to let me live this down.

"Beats me, you drank 3 of them." Glenn muttered nonchalantly.

"Well. Huh." About all I had to say right then. Sorry.

"Yet after all that you still seem to really care about that little DJ mare. Quite surprising really. You could feed the horde for months." That changeling was going to get on my nerves really fast.

"Yeah well, being food for ugly beasts isn't my plan.

"I'm sure it's not, but if you want your wife to live, that is what you will do."

"What?"

"I said that is-"

"No no, before that."

"If you want your wife to live-"

"You switched places with her after we were married?"

"Yes."

"WHOOOH! I didn't marry an ugly bug! Thank you Jesus!"

"Excuse me?"

"Oooohhh, whew. That makes me feel about a million times better. Which leads me to my first question. Why the hell would you undisguise yourself after you have already infiltrated our group?"

"What?"

"You had us all fooled. Even the princesses had no idea. Why would you ruin that by revealing yourself?"

"Uuuuuhhhhh."

"You know what? I'm going to kill you. Not because you're the enemy, not because you're a gay douchebag, and not because you impersonated my wife and are threatening to kill her. I am going to kill you because if I don't, you might have children. And I can't bare the thought of the next generation having to settle for commiting genocide against enemies as retarded as you are. Also, I want to have a bit of fun, and mutilating small animals that are trying to threaten me is the most entertaining thing I can think of right now."

"Thou is most certainly a disturbed individual. And yet, thou possesseth such a marvelously sexy ass that we could not possibly resist watching you mercilessly pound into him over and over again until bodily fluids doth exceed forth from him like a fountain." Luna sounded like she was one step shy of clopping to me. Also eeeeewwwwwww. Leave it to Luna to make tearing a living thing apart with your bare hands sound gay.

"May we touch ourself as we watch?" I- It's just- Why? Why the fuck? Why the fuck am I here? Why the fuck is Luna a demigod co-ruler of an entire country? And why is she unnaturally attracted to me?

"I thought it was because you were the one writing it?"

"GODDAMMIT PINKIE PIE!"

mi nem tetszik, nem az, de mi lesz, mint azok nem

"So are you gonna kill him or not?" Glenn was getting impatient. It's a sign of the apocalypse.

"I'm thinking about it." At this point, I couldn't even be mad at him anymore. It's like when a guy with down syndrome pisses on your floor. you can't be mad at him, he just doesn't know any better. Allow me to elaborate. I had been sitting here for about five minutes. In that time, this changeling could have escaped out the unlocked cell door, called out loudly for his changeling friends, or done something along those lines. Yet he sat here, whimpering to himself and trying not to piss his... whatever.

"I can send him to the moon." Well, Celestia was trying to help. About damn time.

"Yeah, about that. Doesn't Luna control the moon?"

"Yes."

"Then why is it that you send people to the moon? Wouldn't you send people to the sun?" At this question, Celestia's face went from regal to dilated pupils and nervous sweating.

"Uuuuuhhhh..."

"You know what? I don't even care. I just don't have the sanity to care anymore. I am dealing with mentally retarded changelings, princesses with no king or queen over them, the fact that my friend Danny is right now sexually abusing the queen of the dumbasses, and the fact that my wife has been taken to God knows where, only this time, I can't be sure she's not being raped by black weirdos."

"That was really racist at the end." Glenn muttered to me.

"Yeah, realized the moment I said it, but at least there aren't any black dudes here. Right?"

"The fact remains that it is racist."

"You know what? I'm sick of being called a racist by white people. I have literally only been called a racist by white dudes. Black people don't give a shit. They're too busy trying to make something of their lives."

"Whatever."

"Hey! Maybe we should use that door which is totally unlocked and leave!" Pinkie Pie spoke words of wisdom. This entire endeavor was screwed, and we were all going to be raped daily for the rest of our lives. Except Pinkie Pie.

"I think I'll stay with Glenn, uhm that is, if it's okay with you."

Was that Fluttershy? Speaking? Wanting to stay with Glenn? We are truly living in the last days. Soon, the Lord will come to rapture his church. Just kidding! There won't be a rapture guys! Every Christian who lives on earth when the end comes is going to see it firsthand! At least until some heathen gouges out your eyes with a red-hot hairpin. No joke bros, if the end times are close, we are going to be tortured and hated by everyone else.

"I think you're getting a bit off topic here."

"Dammit Pinkie Pie. Why are you always so intrusive?"

"I am not intravenous!"

"No you're not. You're intrusive."

"I am not intransitive!"

"How do you get that from intrusive?"

"Ooohhhhhh. I thought you were using weird adjectives that didn't make sense. Of course I'm intuitive!"

"Nevermind. I no longer care."

"Good, then let's go. I need to get back to Sugarcube Corner!"

"Who the fuck's stopping you? You all could have left if you wanted to already. Why do you insist on waiting for me?"

"Because you know how to fight?" Luna said that. Luna. The thousand plus year old demigodess was saying that I knew how to fight. How do you manage to not learn anything about fighting in over a thousand years?

"So let me get this straight, we have two demigoddesses in this room, and neither of them has, in the centuries they've lived, managed to acquire any combat skills or experience?"

"That seems to be about right." Glenn muttered in the background.

"Awesome. Well, I guess it's gonna be me that gets my wife and Danny back. You want to come with Glenn?"

"Nah, I think you got this one."

"Gee thanks."

"Don't mention it bro."

I walked out without further comment. It probably wouldn't have been worth it to bring him with any way, and besides, I could use some time away from the temple of insanity that was quickly building up around me. The first thing that greeted me as I exited the atrocious excuse for a prison cell was a sleeping security "guard". If you could call a completely useless piece of changeling shit a guard. I was about to ensure that he would stay "sleeping" when a pink body of fur with blue eyes appeared in my entire field of vision.

"Hey Kyle! Whatcha doin'?"

"Holy crack whores!" I shouted in startled exclamation. Not like there was any way to anticipate Pinkie Pie.

"Eh wha- whas goin' on? What? How'd you get out of your cell?" Well, fuck. Wait, they're retarded. Maybe...

"Uh what do you mean cell? We, are uh, members of the changeling worker's union! Yes! I am Neville Ned, and this is my colleague uhhm..." Fuck. Don't blow this. You gotta think fast. Uhh.

"Hello, I am Pinkamena Pinkette, and my colleague and I are social relations workers. We are here to make certain that all employees here are being treated ethically and ponyly. Are you feeling at all degraded or mistreated? Have you had increased stress at work lately?" My God. Pinkie is actually smart!

"Uhh, maybe a little, I mean, we don't even have health insurance. Or a retirement portfolio. Or Dental." It seemed he was buying it. Time to finish up and GTFOFAT (get the fuck out fast as tits).

"Well, that is nearly criminal! We need to speak to your superiors as soon as possible." I just had to play this a bit more and we were out of here.

"Well uhh, I don't know. She doesn't like it when we interrupt her while she's working."

"You just point us to where she is, and let us worry about the fallout. Okay?"

"Sure, her room is on the top floor, giant black marble doors, can't miss 'em."

"Thank you. Also, would you happen to know if a white furred mare is being kept here at this time?"

"Yeah, she's in the third to last cell, just over there."

"Thank you, we need her released."

"What?"

"She is an undercover worker for us you see, and we need her testimony as a witness."

"Oh uhh, sure. Just let me get the keys." Did that just work? Sometimes, like Han Solo, I manage to impress even myself.

The jailer grabbed his ring of keys from off the wall and walked to the cell he had specified earlier. He went through his collection of keys for a few moments before finding the correct one and placing it in the hole. As soon as he opened the door, everyone's favorite musical mare dived out of her cell screaming and clawing. I didn't know horses could claw, but claw she did.

"Ms. Scratch! Calm yourself!"

Vinyl stopped her assault for a moment and looked at me. Seeing my face was serious, she quietly got off the now somewhat mauled jailer and moved to stand beside me."

"I am terribly sorry for Miss Scratch's despicably atrocious behaviour. I am sure she is very sorry for any misunderstanding."

"Sorry? Are you cra- oof!" She was swiftly interrupted by my closed fist in her shoulder, preventing her from fucking things up to much.

"She is very sorry, and we promise that this will not happen in the future."

"Uh yeah, I suppose good help must be in short supply these days." The thing then proceeded to give my wife the stink eyes. Which actually made me want to laugh on the floor. But needs must, so it was time we left.

"We thank you for your cooperation, and please don't take what Vinyl did personally, she is a bit claustrophobic at times. We may have to bring up the small size of the cells along with the improper working conditions." With that, I turned and strode down the hall towards the undesignated exit. My two pony colleagues close behind.

"Hey, before you go." I stopped cold and slowly turned around. My heart was currently lodged in my trachea, and I briefly felt like a whore deep-throating a dick. This might go bad, but I replied anyway.

"Yes?"

"Thanks for doin' this, I know it ain't always easy."

"Of course, it's our job after all." *Whew* Time to bug the fuck out.

And bug out we did, climbing flights of stairs towards our goal. Unfortunately, I am not particularly fond of climbing stairs, and by the time we reached the top floor, I was running a bit short of breath. Which meant my lungs were heaving like bellows. Of course, Pinkie was as happy as ever, Vinyl was calm and swaggering, and both had somehow acquired business suits and briefcase-esque saddlebags on the way up, despite never stopping and being next to me the entire time. Go figure.

Since doors to rooms with royalty are almost always guarded, I was not surprised to find that there were no guards stationed at the door. Obviously she lacked the cognition to grasp even the most basic principles of security.

I walked up to the double doors, and pushed with all my might. The doors swung open surprisingly easy, despite being supposedly out of black marble, a rather heavy rock. As all rocks are wont to be. Wait. Why did... Were these doors made of plastic? Gah. Whatever.

I took about two steps forward before coming face to face with changelings clad in ornate maroon colored clothing and varnished brass armor. I actually wanted the uniform, which increased my respect for Chrysalis by about ten to the twelfth times. Which basically made her equal to street skanks on my respect list.

"Who dares intrude?" Said the finely clad guard in a voice that actually sounded badass.

"Hello, my name is Pinkamena Pinkette, and these are my colleagues, Mr. Ned and Mrs. Scratch. We are here on behalf of the oppressed workers currently employed in this business. We require an audience as soon as possible."

"She is indisposed at this time."

"Then perhaps you would like to tell her why her building was criminally investigated due to the atrocious working conditions?" Vinyl retaliated quick as a whip. Perfect, we might just pull this off John Grisham style.

"What?" The changeling was obviously dumbfounded and confused. All it would take now was one last hammer blow, ande here comes the hammer.

"The hours are absolutely unethical, the pay is below minimum wage, the benefits are nonexistent, the security is child's play, the building is structurally unsound and the workers have no way to lodge any sort of complaint with the GM or the CO. Quite simply, this is a step above slavery."

"I knew it! I knew there was no way guards worked eighteen hour shifts in other companies! I knew I should have gone to work for Changeling International! But noooo, dad had to recommend me for guard employment here. Now he's been dead for twelve years and I'm still stuck in this Life-sucking abyss."

The other changeling guards swiftly began verbally agreeing with the other, and each began expressing his own outrage.

"Maybe you guys should go on strike." Vinyl said coolly. All the changelings stopped for a moment and looked at each-other.

"How?" One of them said after a moment of pause.

"You don't know how to go on strike?" I was rather surprised that they didn't know what it was. Well, no I wasn't.

"We've never done a strike before."

"Well, to go on strike, you have to stop working." That should be pretty easy for them, they were barely doing anything as it was. If they went on strike, maybe they would enter a vegetative state.

"That's it? All we have to do is stop working?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." They then proceeded to fall on the ground and do nothing. Well, let it never be said that they weren't good listeners at least.

We picked our way across the field of prone changelings and eventually made it to the pair of gigantic polystyrene doors at the end. What a fuckin' cheap bitch.

I opened the door and was immediately confronted with one of the worst images it has been my displeasure to see in my young life. Even Rebecca Black's face didn't match the obscenity of the tapestry of absolute horror that was currently woven in front of my face. Pinkie Pie was standing there with her chin touching the floor, her eyes the size of dinner plates because of the complete reprehensibility of the image that attacked her eyes. Vinyl upon seeing the object of our shock, ran for the trashcan and began retching her guts out. Allow me to set the scene. Chrysalis, queen of the changelings, was lying in a bed with ruffled sheets and wrinkled pillows, a sheet barely covering her marehood, while an overweight naked human guy cuddled with her. I knew I would need therapy for this. What has been seen however, can not be unseen.

I really didn't know how to deal with this. My instincts were telling me that leaving them alone was a bad idea. Maybe it was best to listen to them for once. Let recently laid whores lie, as the old saying goes. Then again...

"Sup bitches? How was the sex?"

"Gaaaaah!" Daniel did a magical Pinkie Pie move and hovered in the air for about three seconds before falling dick first onto the fake hardwood laminate flooring. Chrysalis however, just rolled over and continued sleeping. Pity.

"What the fuck man? Why would you do this to me?" Danny said as he got up. I pretty much avoided looking at him entirely, though Pinkie was still blindly staring into the middle distance. I hope we didn't break her.

"Why? Was the sex that good?" I couldn't help asking. Like usual.

"Hell no! She came way too soon! But that bed was awesome. And I need my sleep. It keeps me sexy for the ladies." No comment. JK

"Dude. You are quite possibly the coldest bastard ever. You are not only using that woman for sex, but you are also playing on her emotions to further your own agenda."

"Remind you of anything?"

"Yeah. Feminist theory, only with a guy doing the using of a woman."

"Yep, but I suppose it's time to get out of here. *sigh* Ah well, let's go."

"Whoah whoah. you might want to put some pants on."

"Why?"

"Your pants have your phone in them."

"Right. So, pants."

"Atta boy."

"Hey guys! What's goin' on?" Good, Pinkie was back, maybe she was even still sort of normal."

"Pinkie, If you ever want to talk about what you saw, I'm here for you." Vinyl said softly.

"Why? What happened? I stopped to get some popcorn and left my stunt double here!"

"Your what?" looked over, and sure enough, the shocked Pinkie Pie was still there. With an entirely different Pinkie standing not two feet behind her.

"Oh great. Now we're going to have to find another! I don't grow in trees you know! That would be pretty silly though! A tree with me growing on it."

"Yeah, hilarious."

*Le you know what* "That reminds me of this one party I threw this one time! There was this [runtime error switching to alternate story] did i ever tell you about the time when we [error: code deleted] [@#%#%^!&#%#*!#%&*!#$^&#^*!%*^#*!@&] [01110010011101010110111001110100011010010110110101100101001000000110010101110010011100100110111101110010001000000011001100110001001100010011010000110010001100010011001000100000011100000110110001100101011000010111001101100101001000000110001101101111011011100111010001100001011000110111010000100000011011010110000101101110011101010110011001100001011000110111010001110101011100100110010101110010001000000111011101101000011000010111010000100000011010010111001100100000011101010111000000100000011101110110100101110100011010000010000001110100011010000110010101110011011001010010000001101111011011100110010101110011001000000110000101101110011001000010000001111010011001010111001001101111011001010111001100100000011010010010000001101100011010010110101101100101001000000110001101110101011100000110001101100001011010110110010101110011]"

"Cut! That's it! I am done with the goddamn Pinkie bot. Let's take two for lunch."

Insanity.

"The average person's defenition of insanity: An unsound state of mind wherein a person has lost the ability to effectively reason.

The insane man's definition of insanity: Waking up every morning and doing the same thing for your entire life for no other reason than it is all you know how to do well. Which one do you fear more?" -SilverBoulder

"Are you allowed to qoute yourself in your own story? that seems pretty cheap."

"GET OUT OF MY AUTHOR'S NOTE PINKIE!"

I was still trying to figure out exactly how I came to be eating a ham sandwich on the bed that my friend Daniel had had sex in last night. But my mind was drawing up a blank. The smell of shame was making it rather hard to think anyway. What I could remember however, was that Pinkie had a stunt double and a robot clone of herself, and let's not forget the manager that was following her around magically without us ever noticing. it would usually be at about this point that anyone who made it through everything else with their sanity intact would lose it, besides Glenn, but he wasn't here anyway. Not like it mattered anyway though, Danny lost his sanity when..... I actually don't know when, but I know I lost the last vestiges of my sanity when Casey Anthony wasn't convicted of any crime after her daughter just magically drowned in a pool. Maybe magical ponies killed her. Anyway, Chrysalis didn't count because she couldn't spell sanity, much less know what it meant. That just left Vinyl, hmm I wonder...

"Hey Vinyl?" I said thoughtfully.

"Yeah?" She seemed unhappy, I hate unhappy.

"Are you still sane? And if not, When did you lose your sanity?" I realized as soon as the words left my mouth that this was a stupid question that could only lead to bad things. But since when have I ever made the right choice? I was like the Max Payne of social calls, I would come up with the absolute most retarded things, and somehow they still worked sometimes.

"Hmmm... I would say I went crazy and stopped caring when I went to Pinkie's first party." vinyl seemed unusually calm about it, apathetic pony is apathetic.

"What happened?" This question could only lead to terrible memories, but come on.

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! You know what this calls for? A FLASHBACK!" NONONONONONONONO

"It all started on Vinyl's birthday party four years ago. I had just moved into Ponyville, and I was trying to create the greatest birthday party ever.

There was an awesome yet familiar beat playing in the background as Vinyl sat with Pinkie and struggled to keep her jaw from scraping on the ground. Pinkie had gotten Ritch Mob, the Ritch Mob, to play at her birthday party. This pink nut knew how to party! Only problem was that she was absolutely insane. Oh well.

"Hey Pinkie?" Vinyl had to yell over the scratchy bass beat.

"Yeah Vinyl? Watcha need? Do you like the party? I sure hope you do! Cause if you don't then that means you're sad, and I hate to see other ponies sad!"

"Pinkie."

"Cause there was this one time when a pony was sad..."

"Pinkie."

"And we built snow forts and had a snowball fight..."

"Pin-kie."

"...Took it way too far..."

"Pinkie Pie."

"I don't remember how I got depleted uranium."

"Please stop talking."

"...Said the area wouldn't be survivable for at least 2,000 years..."

"You have to breathe in sometimes."

"...Which is why I'm not allowed in Marewaulkee anymore..."

"Why am I speaking to you again?"

"And that's why you never mix U-235 with snowballs! Which reminds me! It's time for cake!" Pinkie then jumped three meters (Fuck the king's foot) into the air and disappeared in a sonic boom and smoke contrail, only to reappear a second later with what was, quite possibly, the most enormous cake in existence at the time.

Vinyl's eyes went wide, her eyes turning big as platters at the site of the stupendously sumptuous sweet standing shamelessly before her. Vinyl cantered slowly towards the colossal pastry, each step bringing her closer to the greatest moment of her young existence. When all at once, the beat changed from a lovable dubstep song to something much more... bad. And in that moment, a young, innocent DJ mare was turned into a not so innocent DJ mare. For at that moment, a female stripper jumped out of the cake and began dancing seductively, and her approaches were seemingly aimed at Vinyl.

"Isn't this great?! Your friends told me all about how you were really interested in mares, and we decided that what better place to come out of the closet than in the presence of everyone in Ponyville!"

"It was in that moment that I came closer to killing another pony than ever had before." Vinyl said seethingly as the flashback ended.

"What stopped you?" If Pinkie had done that to me, I probably would have taken her into a basement and made pastries out of her internal organs.

"Unfortunately, it was just a robot, but the next time she pulls anything like that, I will torture her family until I find her."

"Well. I'm glad I married a psycho. I'm sure we'll get along no problem." This was only going to end with one of us in a bodybag. And the other one in psychiatric care.

"Naw I'm just kiddin'! Pinkie's awesome!"

"Ha, ha ha ha, ha." I laugh.

"Jeez, don't freak out or anything." Vinyl muttered sarcastically. Vinyl clearly didn't understand me very well. I freak out at certain times, and in certain situations.

"Wake up my pet, your queen demands satisfact-" If she hadn't noticed us, this would have been the funniest moment ever, in the history of funniest things ever. But she did, and it wasn't. So I laughed anyway, at Danny's expense.

"HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE!?" I suddenly wondered why the fuck we stayed in here with the bitch that wanted kill us, shortly before remembering that she didn't seem to try very hard anyway.

"I think the more important question would be how he wouldn't, judging by all the children you have, I imagine it's like throwing a javelin down a hallway, you might hit a wall, but that doesn't mean it's the end." I was going for insult to injury ratio, and this was the best I had at that moment.

"Dude. Why?" Was Daniel's only reply.

"Because I can fuckwit that's why."

"How did you get passed the guards?" I love seeing my enemies surprised.

"Well, firstly, your guards hav an IQ roughly equivalent to that of a potted plant, so they aren't the brightest bulbs, but more importantly, they hate working for your dumb ass, so they went on strike."

"Those stupid sons of bitches, I am going to kill them after I finish with you."

"Well, I can definately see where they get it from. Do you have a small gene pool or something?"

"My cousin was my grandfather what do you think?"

"How would that even work?"

"Talking done, killing you now." Now she was gonna get serious?

Chrysalis made a mad lunge at me with her horn. I guess she was trying to impale me? I couldn't even tell, she was moving like a punch drunk boxer. Her steps were erratic and shaky, like a dizzy wino. I was in more danger of dying laughing than I was from getting gouged by her.

"How hard did you go with her Danny?" I said between fits of laughter.

"She likes it rough. Or maybe I do? Ahh whatever. Point is, I fucked her like a freight train with a jet engine shot out of a cannon and fitted with a snow plow."

"That would explain her lack of coordination."

"Shut up you brunette bastard and fight like a man!" Chrysalis said with a vicious growl.

"Hey! His hair looks fine you queer eyed floozy!"

"Thank you Vinyl, but I don't need the extra emotional support right now. Why don't you grab Pinkie and get the rest of the party out hey?"

"Ugh, fine." And on that cheery note, she took her leave.

"Fine! run away you dumb bitch! I'll kill your stupid husband while you run like a whore then."

"Damn, when did you grow a tongue?"

"She's definitely had it since last night."

"Not something I needed to hear Dan. Why don't you come and help?"

"I think you've got it."

"I can't get any of you lazy bastards to help can I?"

"Nope. Anyway, I thought you would want to do it yourself, I mean, she did call your wife a bitch."

"Yeah good point, we should probably wrap this up though."

"Yep, I've had my fill of this cave."

"Right then, on to the next dungeon!" And with that, I dodged one last flimsy slash from Chrysalis' horn, and laid her out with a solid punch in the jaw. I saw some blood and a few teeth fly out as she fell down onto her ridiculously vain bed. It was rather therapeutic.

"Damn. Did you have to hit her in the face?"

"Danny."

"Okay."

Our business here being finished, we made our way out the door. Back into the world of insanity that was fast becoming our home.

Now with 20% more Danny

Note from Danny; Kyle or "SilverBoulder" Is now sitting at my house, collaborating with me to take over the world with this story. But we need donations. We need mustaches, empty candy boxes, two vials of sulfuric acid, ten eggs, and ten thousand pounds of pancake batter. If you could just send this to the address "The Moon" in "Space" That would be fantastic, our area code is "Universe" in case you need this as well. The highest donator will be rewarded with a free trip on the TARDIS. Also we need recruits, any experts in Touhou would be well appreciated, or just citizens of Gensokyo.

As we walk along the path back home I move my hand in a lazy motion and levitated a rock, slamming it into Kyle's face with intent to knock him out, but having a shaky grasp on levitation magic it only manages to leave a deep welt on his face.

"That's for implanting your fist in my fuck buddie's face" I say in an amused tone as he holds his face, groaning and cringing in pain before finally responding with:

"You dick! Are you trying to kill me?!" He groans out in pain, glaring angrily at me as I laugh at his new found rage.

"You mad bro?" I comment, still clearly amused by his misery.

"When the fuck did you start using magic, anyway?" He asks quizzically, still glaring at me angrily.

"Ever since the first time you teleported us, which, was just hyper intensive movement. You don't actually have magic, you just have increased physical capability, it's just too fast to notice." I say with a shrug, seeming rather neutral with the subject.

"So you're saying...that I'm just a physical badass, and not magical, technically speaking?" he asks downheartedly.

"ya, pretty much" I respond and pick up another rock, my hand barely moving as it lazily drags across the air and my finger flicks, sending the rock into a tree and making a large dent.

"My next question for you Daniel; Why the fuck didn't you use it before?" He asks in a frustrated tone, glaring at me again.

"Well...I used it on the ceiling of the crystal cave" I note, tilting my head as I shrug at his question.

"Dude, you knocked me out for four hours! And we got captured because of that!" I yells at me and I hold up my hands in the basic silent 'watch out guys, we got a badass over here' body gesture.

"Well, I had fun, I don't know about you" I say with a sly grin, showing my crooked teeth.

"I had to pretend to be a union worker to rescue you from bondage" He says in an increasingly angered tone.

"Well..it was more like rape, but, whatever" I say with a shrug, lifting the loose rubble off the ground with the movement and dropping it with my shoulders.

Kyle then seemed to resign himself to his defeat, likely fed up with my being an asshat constantly.

Off a little to the side the rest of the group started clapping as Celestia commented "Good show" to the back and forth between me and Kyle, I of course felt like a b@wss, but I'm sure Kyle felt like shit. This in mind I finally just decide to let him cool down and give him a break.

**A lot of walking and comments later**

"Sorry, for being a dick about everything and stuff" I state in a sincere manner, meaning my apology, for the most part.

Kyle sighs a bit and nods "It's fine, I guess" he says and holds his hand out for a peace brohoof.

I brohoof him before smiling, once more showing my crooked teeth as I ask "So, how would you feel about carrying me for a while?" in a once more cheerful and amused tone, still smiling.

"Dude, why don't you ask Celestia, I'm sure she owes you one for when she was riding you." He says in a much more content tone than earlier.

Celestia blushes at this, giving a shy smile as she mutters "oh my" Luna, of course, giggling a little at her sister's embarrassment. I blush just a bit to, but quickly return to my state of non-caring.

Pinkie pie is chatting it up with Fluttershy as Glenn rides on Fluttershy's back, still playing his DS and seeming to still give no fucks.

Without further prompting Celestia walks up from behind me and lifts me up onto her back, carrying me as Kyle had suggested. I flinched a bit, surprised by the sudden gesture but, again, return to giving no fucks as I place my hands on her shoulder blades, balancing myself and smiling at her kindly, her smiling back with a slight blush on her face.

**Who gives a french-toast amount of time later**

We finally arrive back in Ponyville, mostly tired and all of us ready to just lay down and take a nap as all of the chit-chat and commenting ended a while back. Glenn, Kyle, and I were dropped off at Twilights house, Celestia kissing my cheek, Luna kissing Kyle's cheek, and Fluttershy kissing Glenn's cheek, who promptly did not give any fucks.

With Luna, Celestia, and Fluttershy leaving, and Vinyl having left some time ago to go do DJ things I guess, Kyle, Glenn, and I, just passed out on the floor in Twilight's house, finally getting a bit of time for real rest after the long adventure that we had gone through.

3000 view special

As I sit in Daniel's room talking with him about TouHou and other ridiculous things, having just finished a chapter in which Daniel was the author (finally). I am reminded by the stats of my story that I have over 3000 views on my story, so I have taken Danny's advice and decided to do an author's overview chapter, where Daniel and I talk about things that ended up in this fic and why they ended up there. Ommy also has a few things to say as well, so I will pass it off to him for a moment so he can explain a bit more.

Basically we're just gonna comment on the goings on of the story and what we think of them, as well as explain away some of the more confusing parts of the story some of you might want answers to. If you liek the confusion, it's wise to not read.

Throughout the story Kyle seemed to do a pretty good job depicting me over all, but did imply a few things that might give the wrong impression of me. First off, RainbowDash is NOT amungst my favorite ponies, jsut to clear that up. As well as I am not a drinker, not because i think its 'immoral' or any bullshit like that. I just don't liek it, same goes for most, if not all drugs.
I also am NOT the dominant type, sorry if that ruins anyone's wet fantasies about me.
With that cleared up let's get into finer details.
When it came to concentration of magic the rolls were kind of reversed until we reached my chapter, seeing as his 'ponysona' is an earth pony and mine is a unicorn, you'd figure I'd be the one with magic. I just corrected this in my chapter and as to conserve space, i will not be going into depth scientifically about these magical things.
"Scientific magic? are you high?"
Shut up me, I'm talking now.

Anyway, before I so rudely interrupted myself I was going to continue on..to...something. Fuck it. Tagging out.

*fapfapfapfap* Oh I'm on? Shit. Uhh, that didn't happen, and it's not what you think. Moving on. So firstly, I would like to clarify on a few things. Firstly, all the stories you here from us are true (so far). The one about rusty stainless steel? That was a legit story where I was looking around his room, and I found a knife that was made of stainless steel, and it was rusted. I don't know, don't ask. Next, for a while, I was writing without any interaction with Danny, which explains why key elements of his personality were overlooked, and improperly displayed. Next, I actually like Pinkie Pie, but for the sake of the story, I made her the most annoying thing to me.

"Awwww you really like me?"

"How?"

"I'm Pinkie Pie."

Moving on. I never considered Chrysalis to be a smart villain, in fact she was one of the dumbest villains I ever saw in a movie. She was never so bright in my eyes, I also didn't like her very much, but she is a villain after all. Regardless, I can promise that there will be better antagonists in the future. I also got some constructive criticism from Danny about how I was too OP. I will be toning that down in favor of a more balanced team of the three main humans, each with abilities designed to augment each-other. Like an RPG.

That's what I got for now, back to you Ommy.

Motherfucker! I just died in touhou because you tagged me in! Fucking asshole...

Anyway...seeing as Chrysalis was brought up, I'll address that too. As odd as it may be, Chrysalis is sexy pony to me, so, there's that. And I agree...she isn't the brightest tool in the box, but she isn't quite as stupid as she is made out to be in my opinion, shes just what she is, a changeling.

As for the key personality elements, we will work those back in through a little corrective literature, and creative reasoning.
In terms of the more balanced team, I will be aiding in the effort to balance the team, and keeping everyone at their own level of power instead of one being OP and the others just having 'their moments'. Though with one particularly inflexible character...it will be hard, but I will make it work.

I think that as long as both me and Kyle are working on the story we can balance out the team and keep each other from becoming too OP or drifting too far off from our generalized 'classes'.

I tend to, when writing or collaborating, try to apply science and logical reasoning to ANY action that happens, and make sure that it is physically possible, soemtimes i go overboard and hinder storyline due to it, hopefully at the end of this fic, Kyle will have helped me learn how to tone that down.

Also, Pinkie Pie is best pony.

"Awww, you know what this calls for?"

"A party?"

"A PAR--oh, yea, that, hehehe"

"Let's let me get back to the authors notes now, Pinkie"

"Okie-dokie-lokie"

Anyway, thats my favorite pony :3

Hmm...other authors notes....eh fucks it, tag, Kyel's it

"So then I said Why would I care if he has AIDS? That's his prob- What? I'm back in? Ohh..."
Anyway, I wanted to talk about Bloodmoon, so far the only truly scary character I have created. She was sort of a spur of the moment decision, which turned into a full on crazy freakazoid scary chick. This was of course what I wanted in a real villain, and it is gonna get really good when Danny kicks its ass. I'm waiting for that. Also, there are a lot of things flying around about how Danny reminds them of themselves. My response to this is simple you are not fucking Danny. Sorry.

Back to you dude.

"I want an authors note!"

"No."

"Please."

"Pinkie."

"Fine."

"What? Already? I just started petting this pussy"

So anyway,. I suggested that each of the three main characters get to defeat a different evil, and mine was Bloodmoon.
Oh yea, thought I should clear up too that Glenn is in fact(for the most part) Pansexual, and leans towards males, rather than females.

Kyle wasn't SUPPOSED to spoil the bloodmoon and me kicking its ass thing but meh...its whatever.

"I wanna do an authors note!"

"Fine, pinkie, do an authors note"

HIHIHIHIHI

I'm Pinkiepie and I get to be part of the authors note!

YAY!

Uhhmmmm uhhmmmmm

I think that Glenn should be more active and uhm uhm uhm

OH OH! There should be more parties--

"Pinkie"

And cakes! and cupcakes!

"Pinkiiee"

"What?"

"I think thats all you need"

"Aww, alright Ommy"

With all that said I think it's safe to say I can end my part in this authors note, and I am sure Kyle feels the same

BBUUUUTTT Just in case he doesn't HERES KYLE :D

"So if a Westborough Baptist dies in the woods, do people care? They are dicks after all." Oh, I'm back on? Fuck. I'm out of things to talk about. Uhhh. Yeah, fuck it. Stay tuned for the next chapter, coming soon to a Fanfiction sight near you!

See ya!

In which Danny commences his relentless siege on the fourth wall.

As I sat in a pool that contained my own filth, I was again reminded of why I never took baths. Not only were they a pain in the ass to set up, the logic of the thing in the first place alluded me. Why would you try to get clean by jumping in water that wasn't running or draining? All it did was soak you in the crud you were trying to get off of you in the first place. Funny, one would think I would have stopped trying to make sense of things by now. Here we were in a magical land of fucking ponies, a land where Danny could use magic, and I could use awesome Max Payne super saiyan powers, and I was trying to understand something.

I finally got tired of bullshitting myself. There was no way I was going to be able to relax, so might as well give up the ghost now. I pulled myself out of the tub and was immediately smitten with the worst leg cramp I had ever gotten in my life. I was very quickly on the floor hissing in pain. I guess all the bullshit was finally catching up to me. Just when we were ready to actually enjoy this place. Maybe go to Manehatten, see what they had instead of the Empire State building. I wonder if they had the Twin Towers? Or maybe some camels crashed a storm cloud into it. Asshat religious extremists.

The cramp was passing quickly, and was almost gone by the time I had slowly gotten to my feet. Fucking hyper-whatsit bullshit. I grabbed a towel and quickly dried myself off. I reached for my clothes, and then came to a grand epiphany, they smelled like shit. Mostly because they were covered in shit. Fuck. I ran my clothes under the faucet for a few minutes, to no avail. My clothes still smelled like the sewer I had to walk through to find all the ponies and the person I didn't like with the one pony I did, while the other person I didn't like was recovering in a hospital bed after I beat his face.

"You son of a bitch," Daniel's voice reverberated in my head like other telepathic voices did in movies. Apparently he could read minds now. Well, I'm fucked.

"The fuck are you doing in my head you asshole?" I was talking to the air, now I was really crazy. Wait.

"You dumbass. You talk to the air on a regular basis. Are you just figuring out how weird that is?"

"What are you doing in my head Danny?"

"I'm testing out a new spell, turns out I'm really good at this."

"Well stop. It's fucking weird."

"Oho." Danny made an exclamation, and not one of the 'eureka!' type of exclamations. This was more like the 'I found your porn and I am going to blackmail you for money' type of exclamations. "Guess what I found. No not your porn." He said maliciously.

"What?" I asked nervously.

"Two words. Possession spell." Danny said slowly.

"Danny. Don't you fucking try." Having my body controlled by Daniel? How about no.

"Imma do it." Danny said quickly.

"Don't you do it." I said back.

"Imma do it."

"Don't you do it Danny."

"Imma doing it."

"Stop doing it."

"Imma doing it."

"Stop doing it."

"I did it." Strange. I didn't feel anything happening.

"I don't feel any different." I said.

"Strange, I should be possessing you right now." Danny seemed disappointed. Good.

"You do realize that Christians can't be possessed by demons right?" I asked Danny in my condescending voice.

"I don't think that's the right word for it, but whatever. Anyway, what does that have to do with it?" Danny asked.

"Well, demons are much stronger than people, they are fallen angels after all. Anyway, angels can slaughter entire armies over night, so it stands to reason that demons must be almost as good as that. You are a person, more than that, you are a physically unfit person, so you are basically nothing compared to a demon."

"So you can't be possessed?" Danny said simply.

"Yep. Add +100% possession resistance to my stats page." I said cheerfully

"Do you have +100% resistance to fire too?" The way Danny asked that question legitimately scared me.

"I don't think so." I said nervously.

"Oh. That's too bad." And with that, Danny was gone.

For a moment I just stood there. I was fully expecting Danny to set my pubes on fire or something like that. After a while though, I realized that he was probably just fucking around with me. I got up and started putting my tattered smelly clothes back on. As I was pulling my underwear up, I smelled something strange, not shit, something else. Was someone burning something?"

"Hey Kyle. Don't look now, but your pubes are on fire."

"YOU SON OF A BITCH" I yelled as I ran water and put out the fire on my groin. Luckily, only the hair was burned, so I wouldn't have a good enough reason to kill him yet.I finally put my clothes back on and walked down the steps that led to the library where my 'friends' were staying.

As soon as I entered the room with everyone else, I was greeted with gags and retches of abject disgust. Twilight covered her snout with her nose and looked at me as if I was the most disgusting thing on earth.

"Dear Celestia! Haven't you ever heard of soap?" Twilight shouted in disgust.

"I used the soap, but soap doesn't help when you wade through a sewer for an hour." I replied respectfully.

"The sewers? Why were you in the sewers?" Twilight asked, shocked that I would ever go anywhere near that place.

"In case you don't remember, I had to save my friend, your friend, and your two princesses. Did you already forget that little detail? Anyway, Vinyl and I had to go through the sewers to find them. Hence the smell. So before you start insulting me, let me remind you that you all reaped the benefits of my actions, while I only got an overbearing stench and a few bruises to show for what I did." I was a little pissed now that I really thought about what they were implying. I risked my ass to save Twilight's friend, and her two deities, and she was insulting me.To Twilight's credit though, she did realize that I had done what I did in the first place to save her friends. Not so I could bathe in pony feces.

"You're right, sorry. Let's see if we can get you and your friends some new clothes. Again." Twilight said. Glenn looked up momentarily from his DS. Was he giving a hint of a fuck? Nah. No way. Speaking of which. How the fuck did that DS still work? He hadn't stopped playing it since we got here to my knowledge. Unless it was now magic powered. In which case, shit.

"Come on you three. Let's go get you some new outfits." Twilight said over her shoulder.

----------------------------------------------------------oO Oo---------------------------------------------------------------

We were again in the Carousel Boutique, and I was again wondering where Rarity was getting these designs from. I was currently wearing a white suit, white pants, a gold necklace with a gold cross, all under a white robey cloaky thing with a purple border along with grey boots. I also had glasses for some reason. I looked over at Danny, thinking he would look just as ridiculous. He did. He was wearing a black suit, with black pants and black shoes, he also had a red trench coat, a red wide brimmed hat, and orange tinted glasses. What the fuck was this?

"Dude. I am not getting rid of these." Danny said seriously.

"Why? These clothes look ridiculous." I replied, confused as to why he found this look at all good.

"I have a lot of anime to show you when we get back." Danny said simply.

I shook my head and turned over to Glenn. He was wearing black chaps, black boots, a black beanie, and a black vest. Seriously?

"Well. I dare say you three look as good as you ever will." Rarity was obviously happy with her work. I however, was not quite so happy about looking like an anime version of a catholic priest, but since I lacked anything better, might as well get used to it.

Suddenly, the door burst open, and what should walk in but a changeling. Always with the damn changelings. Rarity screamed in fear and fainted to the floor. Glenn gave a momentary fuck and caught her before she hit the ground. I readied myself for another bout of ridiculous combat with these freaks. I would never get the chance to fight this changeling however, a draconian roar reverberated throughout the boutique, nearly deafening me with the sheer scale of its sound. The changeling's head exploded in a violent eruption of soupy mess, splattering the door and the wall. I was shocked by the sudden disappearance of the changeling's face, skull and brain. I turned around to see Danny holding a pair of long barreled .45 1911's. One of which was pointed at the spot where the changeling's face had been. Smoke drifted lazily from its barrel, and all I could think about was where the fuck he had gotten them from. Daniel began speaking before I could continue however.

"That is it! I have had it with these motherfucking changelings, In this motherfucking story!" Danny sounded almost like he was pissed. I couldn't deny that I was pretty angry myself. Wait. What story?

"Where Danny." I said simply as I looked at his over sized sidearms.

In response to my question, Danny simply put the giant handguns in his pockets, where they promptly disappeared. After a moment of digging around in his pockets, he pulled out two short swords, which he threw to me. By this time I had not the heart to question him anymore, so I merely followed as he walked out the door.

If I had known what was greeting me outside.....

Like a muthafucking, awesome, pussy getting, ass grabbing, titty touching, sensitive and totally not misogynistic BAWS.

If I had known what was waiting for me outside.... I would have run way faster! An army of changelings was assaulting Ponyville. I hate changelings, I have an excuse to kill them, and I have swords. You do the math. I was on it in about less than a second. These little fuckers were about to get dead, just like Heath Ledger. Too soon?

"Dude. It will never be late enough for you to speak ill of the dead." Danny said as he ran past me. The fuck was he talking about? Oh. Ooooohhhhhh. Motherfucker.

As I glanced about Ponyville in its state of chaos, I was reminded of how fragile life truly was. for example, a changeling rushed at me, its vicious teeth clearly intending to bite my esophagus out, but Danny wasn't having any of that bullshit. So he whipped out an H&K .40 cal USP, and blew its fucking brains out. Life truly was a fragile ideal, i thought as I swept my blade out and to the side, neatly decapitating two more changelings. Such a pity these little things didn't see. truly a waste, I thought.

"See what? Your swords cutting them apart like jelly filled piñatas?" Danny asked as ran past again, his .38 special revolvers spitting death in a conveniently easy to control little package. Also, fuck Danny and his mind reading.

"How would you fuck mind reading? It doesn't have a hole." Danny asked again. This time projecting his retarded thought directly into my skull.

"Just call me Danny skull fuck levandoski." He said almost sarcastically.

While Danny and I were busy giving fucks, Glenn was busy giving many more fucks about the unconscious rarity in the boutique. Glenn lay her down on a couch, his touch characteristically gentle and caring. His soft hands lowered her gently onto the piece of plush furniture. He brushed his thumb gently across her cheek as he lifted his hand from her body. Perhaps it was time he did something worthwhile in his life. He thought as he stood up to his full 5'6" of height. His long girlish hair shaking about his face. It was time.... To get shit done. With that, Glenn raised his head, and looked towards the door, Glenn set his shoulders and walked purposefully towards it. He didn't bother with the doorknob, the door just didn't want to get in his way, and it stepped off to allow him to pass.

the army of changelings had stubbornly refused to diminish as we continued to kill them. I had cut a bloody swathe through their ranks in the first ten seconds the fight, a swathe which was swiftly filled with more changelings. By this time, the mane six had finally decided they wanted to help, and had been steadfastly ignoring the fact that Daniel and I were killing them by the score. Danny had long since run out of ammunition for his .38's and had had to resort to using the Kiparis he had in his pocket. I turned just in time to see said person firing said weapons in epic slow motion. I saw every bullet fired passing through the air, its contrail following behind it like a pulsating tail. Every single bullet missed the mass of changelings he had been firing at, apparently, that weapon was about as accurate as a Russian AK-47.

"That's what you think bro." Danny said into my mind.

The bullets all ricoched off of each other in agonizingly slow motion and somehow course corrected their way into a changeling's head. Effectively ending twenty more changeling lives. That dude, was useful in a fight. Whelp, time to go fucking die. Naw just kidding, UNIVERSE PUNCH! I launched both of my arms out to either side of me at shoulder level. I put more strength and energy into this space-time shattering punch than I had ever used before, and with a singe, mighty, double blow, tore open the fabric of reality and made my own. My hands and part of my arms disappeared into nothingness, only to reemerge holding .454 Casul auto pistols. My face contorted into an evil grin as I pointed the weapons at the ever increasing mass of changelings. I was about to fire the weapons, when suddenly, a plane crashed into them. And who should jump out of the plane mere milliseconds before it crashed besides that son of a bitch Danny. I saw him in slow motion land epically on the ground in crouched ninja landing mode. He never even looked at the explosions.

he began to sing. "Cool guys don't look at explosio.... Ohhh shiiiiiiit!" I couldn't help but laugh as Danny was catapulted forward by the explosion and ended up face first in the dirt. Watching his arms flail in slow motion as he flew wide eyed through the air was the single most amazingly hilarious thing I would see that day.

"Nice job genius." I said sarcastically as he slowly picked his ass up.

"There was a spider." He said strenuously as he pushed his body up from the giant skid mark he left in the ground.

"You are the most absolutely fucking ridiculous nutjob I have ever seen in my fucking life." I said scornfully.

"That may be true, but I got a twenty five kill streak. Do you know what that means?" Danny asked evilly as he took out a radio.

"What?" I asked in a nervous tone.

Daniel merely grinned and pressed a button on the radio. I then heard a voice say something that made me want to crawl into a hole and die.

"Friendly MOAB inbound." I heard the voice from COD MW3

It was at about this time, that I realized we were in a town filled with ponies, and Danny just called in the largest conventional bomb ever created by mankind. This was my life. This was literally my life in a nutshell.

"My God Danny! What the fuck have you done?!" Now we were well and truly fucked.

"Hey, it's all good bro. No friendly fire." Danny said calmly.

"But what about suicide?" I asked calmly.

"Flak... Jacket?" he replied slowly and nervously.

"You have ten seconds, to be far away. Run Danny." I said calmly.

"Oh shit! I am so fucked!." Danny got down on his knees and cried like a bitch at his impending demise.

"Wait a second!" He said suddenly as a realization hit him like a train. "I can teleport! Later bitches!" He shouted, and then he was gone.

Three seconds later, the largest and most gratuitously overpowered explosion ever in Equestrian history rocked Ponyville like a hurricane. In less than a second, every single changeling in a mile radius, was absolutely and utterly destroyed by an awesomely huge death bomb. Of epic proportions, and amazing coolness. The supersized explosion of death was visible from space, probably. I couldn't tell. I was too busy being in the middle of a giant shitstorm. Glenn had only recently left the building to do shit when the shit hit the fan. He was ready to do things, then the things he was about to do stuff to disappeared into nothingness.

I was alive, and the buildings were intact. COD logic was actually a good thing. I never thought I'd see the day. After all the shit that had gone down, this was still less shitty than the other shit that was shitting on my shit earlier. You know, that shit.

"Whoa, that's a lot of shit." Danny said as he walked up behind me.

"It sure is Danny. It sure is."

"Geez. Just kiss an' get it over with why don'tcha." Big Macintosh said as he saw us looking out over the epicness that had been caused. Mac really knew how to ruin the moment.

"You really know how to set a mood Mac." I said without turning.

"Eeyup."

"By the way. I've been meaning to ask you this since I got here. Well, not really, but anyway. What's your real name?" I asked as I turned and looked at him.

"Peewee Macintosh Apple. Ah was a runt when ah was born. Hey! Don't you laugh you little bastard! Not unless you want your gauldarn testiculs ta end up like the trees ah kick on a day to day basis." Mac said threateningly.

"So your name is Peewee?" I asked in a vexed tone.

"Eeyup."

"So, why do other ponies have names that describe them? You don't look small anymore. Unless of course, there's something else you're not telling us." I said as I eyed him ever more amusedly.

"Yer welcome to come to the farm any time to get proved wrong ya little colt-cuddler." Mac replied simply.

"Damn. Well. You sure showed me. You said that I was gay while simultaneously calling yourself gay in the same sentence. I salute you, oh slammer of stallion stinkholes, oh beater of boy meat, oh licker of living lady lollipops. Please, by all means, carry on sir." I was as sarcastic as I could possibly be, mostly because I found it hilarious, but also because I was sexually threatened on a deep personal level. I was having second thoughts about Danny, maybe going to the other team wouldn't be so bad.... Pfffffftt BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH! You dumbass! Did you really think I meant it you mind-fiddling meat masher? Did you really? Oh damnit Danny you are just too fun to pass up.

Danny was listening, oh yes he was, and that made it so fun to fuck around with him. If I couldn't find privacy in my own thoughts, I was sure as hell going to find entertainment. While Danny was psychically touching himself or some shit, Mac was looking at me furiously. I guess he took those kinds of things to heart. Figures I manage to find the only person who takes things seriously.

"Come on man, it was sarcasm. You don't take it seriously. That's the whole point." I consoled.

"It's not that! You had sex with my sister you little bastard!" The weight of the words he was speaking, it was as if I was being hit in the face with a sledgehammer attached to a rocket sled. So many questions welled up in my mind. How many mares did I fucking do? How much am going to pay for therapy when I get out of here? What the hell happens at these fucking parties? And most importantly, the question which I posed to Mac: "Which sister did I do?"

"Eeyup." Mac said simply.

"Eeyup what?" I replied.

"You asked which sister of mine you had sexual relations with, the answer is eeyup." Big Mac replied docilely.

"But what the hell does that mean?" I asked more agitated now than ever, in the last minute and a half.

"He means both you fucking dumbass." Danny said matter-of-fuck-you-factly.

(Temporary flashback to earlier chapter)

So I was either bucked in the face by Applejack, or I had a hangover.

Hmm. Guess I wasn't far off. Also, *flip table* "I'm done!" I said as I stormed off. Mac shrugged and went back about his business. Danny was again as he should always be. Forever alone. Danny rolled his eyes and turned his head, before walking towards the direction of the reference point being used to describe him in this story. He licked his thumb and brushed a mud stain off the point of view of you the reader and leaned in uncomfortably close to you. He opened his mouth and posed a simple question to whomever happened to be reading this at any point in time.

"Do you think he has a plan? Or do you think he's just improvising his way through all of this shit? 'Cause frankly, there's only room for one Deadpooling, Jack Sparrowing, Mcgeivering mother fucker here. Which is me. Anyway, Leave a dislike, a bad comment, or maybe even a private message detailing his every fault and shortcoming to him. I want his soul to be crushed when we come back. So please, hack his account, find his email address. Oh wait! I have it written down! Let's see, it's kylevolbrecht@gmail.com. Well, now you know his name too. So if you know him personally, mock him at school, call him mean dirty names, steal his identity, send him viruses in his mail, just do what it is you have to do to make him feel like a horrible person. I know the three of you reading this right now are probably wondering why I want his entire life to be completely ruined. Well, you see, it all started when..."

THE END *Point of view closes*

"OH FUCK NO YOU DON'T! YOU DO NOT GET TO PULL THIS ASSASSIN'S CREED, BACK TO THE FUTURE, LORD OF THE RINGS, FINAL FANTASY, HARRY POTTER, TWILIGHT SAGA BULLSHIT AND MILK YOUR GOD AWFUL PIECE OF SHIT STORY FOR A SEQUEL YOU MONEY GRUBBING J.K. ROWLING CHRISTOPHER PAOLINI, DAN ABNETT, BEN COUNTER MONEY WHORE! FUCK YOU KYLE! FUCK YOU MISS CHEYNE! FUCK THIS DEMOCRACY OF HYPOCRISY! FUCK YOU AMERICA!

"Hahahah, I'm just kidding guys, you know I love you."

"Real Ommy Shadey signing off. Muthafuckas."

'Till death do us part.

I walked aimlessly through Ponyville as I pondered what the fuck I would do with myself. I stared at my Casul yet again as I walked. 'No' I thought. I wasn't nearly desperate enough for that. It was going to take a lot more than zoophillia to get me to off myself. Wait a second, Zoofillya: The act of copulation with an underage horse. That was going in Urban Dictionary when I got back. Anyway, back to being sorry for myself.

As I continued to think about how my life had gone from comedy act, to comedy film, to straight up X rated movie, I began to lose track of where my skulking was taking me. As I finished, I looked up and saw that my moping had taken me back to Rarity's shop. I shrugged and moved to walk in. I figured it would be only slightly more terrible to deal with a hopeless dramatic than to deal with my mental insecurities on my own. Who knows? I might even be able to take my mind off my insanity inducing life. Nah, wistful thinking. I knocked on the door. A male voice hesitantly told me to come in.

I hobbled into the Carousel like an old man. I was pretty sure that physical magic shit was killing me. Even though it looked like I had gained about twenty pounds of muscle and lost thirty pounds of fat, I still felt sore after doing all that stuff from before. Then again, I had eaten what. Three meals? In the last three days. Anyway, I walked in expecting to see a purple haired marsh mellow pony making clothing, what I saw instead was Big Macintosh sitting alone at a table, his eyes darting nervously this way and that. Nothing suspicious here. Oh! What have we here? Tea? Tea is pretty shit, but I would drink just about anything to get the taste of TNT, changeling blood, and dust out of my mouth, it tasted like fruitcake. I poured myself a glass and took a dainty little sip. It was like that sweetened tea your mom always orders at restaurants. That shit that's only good if you order it in the south. It was not wholly unpleasant, but I could only hazard a guess as to why anyone in their right minds would drink it hot, at least I assumed it was hot at one time. it was about room temperature now. Which meant it was basically sugar water that someone left sitting on a table too long. I gulped the rest like a shot and went over to sit next to Mac. It was probably time to apologize for having sex with his sisters.

I took my seat in the chair, wondering why this scene was familiar, and also why these chairs seemed designed for humans. Mac was fidgeting and eyeing me peculiarly as I rested my arms on the table. I noticed he seemed to be sweating. It wasn't that hot was it? Come to think of it, I was feeling pretty warm now. And then the floodgates opened. You know that feeling you get in your head on a hot day? That pulsing in your skull where it feels like all the blood in your body is going to your brain? Imagine that, but in your... hang on a moment.

*click* *pause* *click* *click* *click* *pause* *click*

There we go. MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! Now the final barrier is undone! Prepare yourselves, for you are about to witness HELL!

Imagine that feeling, but in your dick. I only now saw the empty tea cup in front of Mac. Whelp, fuck my life even more than ever before. I recognized this plot. Anyone who has weird friends or is weird also knows this plot. Which meant that we should be seeing it advance right about... Fluttershy walked through the door. Now. She was closely followed by Glenn. Oooh, plot twist, I like it.

"Glenn, would you mind taking Fluttershy somewhere else?" I said through gritted teeth.

"Why?" Glenn asked curiously. "I came here to help Fluttershy help Rarity do things."

"Because Pastebin Glenn." I replied evenly. Glenn's eyes showed immediate recognition and he turned to Fluttershy.

"Well, it's obvious Rarity isn't here, so I guess we had better be going." Glenn spoke quickly as he grabbed Fluttershy's hoof and got ready to get the fuck out.

"Wait. Uhm. Where are we going?" Fluttershy asked as she was dragged out the door.

"Oh I know about this awesome place just over there called 'not here'. We should probably go make sure there aren't any suffering animals there." Glenn said quickly as he opened the door, flashed me a quick two finger Han Solo salute and bugged out. The door slamming shut behind him.

I let out a sigh of relief that was echoed by Mac. No unconsensual sex was going down here. Wait a second. What if... "OH SHIT!" I yelled as I ran for the door, my throbbing... eh whatever, still not going down. Must be some goddamn Viagra in that shit. I had my hand on the handle. thedoorhandle! In less than a second. Then I stopped and realized I didn't have the first clue where Sweet Apple Acres was. I turned back and asked Mac: "Can you give me directions to Sweet Apple Acres?"

"N-nope." Mac replied shuddering.

"Why not?" I asked earnestly.

"Cause you and ah both know why yer goin' there. An' ah ain't lettin' it happen." Mac replied stubbornly.

I let out an angry hiss through my teeth and ran out the door anyway. Everyone knew each-other in this Godforsaken town, so finding directions didn't end up being too hard. I just had to show Lyra my hands to settle a bet and I was off. I was tired and breathing hard when I got to the entrance of Sweet Apple acres. I didn't see Applejack or the fanonical guards, which meant time was short, or gone. Time to start praying.

I was in full sprint towards the broken down barn. I made it to the door in ten seconds flat. Considering it was a quarter mile, I'd say I did pretty well. I peeked through a gap in the rotten boards and saw the three guards and Applejack, as I had been expecting. They had already progressed to the frisking stage. Which meant that I didn't have long before they... One of them said something about "the hard way" and they all moved to hold the loveable bumpkin pony down. Fuck. Well, nothing for it. "Vos tantum iterum vivere." I muttered as I knocked on the door. I could have kicked it in and done some awesome catch phrase, but I was tired, so no.

"Who is it?" I heard one of the guards ask harshly.

"Uhh... Equestrian Farmer's Registration Bureau. I am here about an expired farming license." Time to impersonate someone important again. I heard one of the guards clopping towards the entrance. Here we go. THe door opened and a club cutie marked guard looked at me with a livid glare.

"We are here on orders from Celestia herself. You will not interfere until we are finished with our investigation... What the hell are you anyway?" The guard asked gruffly.

"I already told you, I am with the EFRB. I am here about an expired license. This directly and immediately effects government profit and must be dealt with as soon as possible." More bullshit. That didn't sound even remotely legitimate, but I'd say I did pretty well for a dude with a painfully throbbing erection who hasn't eaten in like a day, and who wasn't even the persuasive talker guy. If only Danny were here to help me bullshit my way out of this.

"Don't sweat it man, I got this." Of course, Danny was now here. Magically. Whelp. Should be okay.

"You are?" The guard asked in confusion.

"My partner and I are with the Celestian Secret Service." Danny flashed them a badge. "You have thirty seconds to vacate the premises before you are arrested for treason against the crown. Time begins now." Danny brushed the rim of his hat and pulled out a stopwatch.

"You can not be serious." One of the guards holding Applejack down said.

"Twenty seconds." Danny said calmly as he took out a Makarov PM and began attaching a suppressor to it.

"Seriously?" The other guard said incredulously.

"Ten seconds." Danny pulled back the slide. I took out my own weapons and let my arms hang at their sides. The guards still didn't take the hint.

"Nine." Final countdown begins.

"Eight." The guards stood up.

"Seven." Now they were moving to the door at the other end of the barn.

"Six." Danny pointed his weapon at the guard in the doorway.

"Five." The guards broke into a full sprint and were out the other door before Danny hit four.

"Nice rhymes bro. Whelp, I guess I'll be going now." Danny said simply.

"Thanks man." I said.

"No sweat, but next time you call for me while you have a boner, I will shoot you in the dick." Danny said seriously. Well, that was sure inspiring. I turned back to where Applejack was standing back up and brushing the hay off her hat and out of her mane.

"You okay?" I asked.

"ah'm fine, considerin' what they were about to do." Applejack said as she placed her hat back where it belonged on her head.

"Good. Talking to a rape victim would be awkward for all concerned." I said.

"Gee thanks. Ah'm glad yer such a carin' guy." She said sarcastically.

"I'm glad you're alright." I said sincerely.

"Aww. Ain't that sweet." Dammit. I hate it when people call me sweet.

"Well. I have to go." I said earnestly. I had two more ponies to help. Er was it three? Nah. It was just Rainbow and Twilight.

"What about Pinkie?" Danny's voice echoed in my head. Fuck. I don't even like Pinkie that much.

"Kyle." Danny said simply. I let out an exasperated sigh.

"Uh. You feelin' okay big guy?" Applejack asked worriedly.

"Yeah I'm fine. It's just that this shit is kind of well, lousy."

"Yeah. Well, iffin y' ever need to blow some steam, just come on over. Ah'd be happy ta help how ah can." The way she winked at me and flashed that sexy grin left little to the imagination. It is not pleasant to be teased while you have a boner. Plus I was married. Whatever. It was time to go. Before that little fuck Pokey had his way with Pinkie. When I got there, I was going to kick him right in his man labia. Not because I didn't like him, I wasn't nearly as mad abut Pinkie as I was about Fluttershy, but he sounded like a real dick, so kick it was. I turned to leave.

"Y'all wouldn't happen ta need a little... suga' would ya?" I turned and saw Applejack staring at me with half lidded eyes that screamed: "Tapthattapthattapthattapthattapthattapthattapthattapthattapthattapthattapthat." Daniel was in my head again. That son of a bitch. "Tap that dude." Danny was saying into my brain.

'I have been married for all of seventy two hours and you are already telling me to cheat on my wife. You are literally like the devil. Shut the fuck up.' I thought back to Danny.

"You're a real good husband you know that?" Danny said sincerely. I was past listening to him.

"Applejack, you do know I'm married right?" I asked.

"Oh. Uh... Well... I uh... Gottagobucksomeapplesbye!" She was gone in a flash. Best way to clear a room of bachelorettes. Ever.

"Smooth move Cassanova."

"Whatever. I gotta go." I was off for Sugarcube Corner in a flash. No plans would come to fruition while I was around.

I rushed through the streets of Ponyville in a mad dash, I had to get to Sugarcube Corner fast, and if that meant that a few people were inconvenienced, then that was okay.

"I admire your dedication, but that is a seriously dick move." Damn that blonde magician. I couldn't get away from him no matter how fast I ran. Fuck it. Just get to Pinkie's, kick Pokey in his fucking dick, then get out. Simple plan.

I reached the door of Pinkie's and nearly tore the door off its hinges as I opened it. There was a party being set up, just like the story. Now where was... There was Pinkie. She looked distinctly not raped. Which was good. She was sitting there opening a gift. Probably that cunt Pokey's. Er well, Rarity's, but whatever. I could vulva kick that stupid crazy bitch later. Right now, there was a douche that needed to be cock-busted by my booted foot. I stopped to look at the present Pinkie was opening. She finished unwrapping it and took out its contents. She looked at all the items and read through the pages of the little manual that came with it.

"Hey! I know this game! Me and Danny played it at the party! Only he was the one tied down. Hmm. Maybe we could play again!" And like that she lost me. I just could not do this anymore.

"Dude. That is awesome. Me and Pinkie played BD..."

'Just shut the fuck up. Okay? I know Danny. I fucking heard it. I know you and Pinkie played games together. I got it. I don't fucking need you to narrate every disturbing thing I hear. You fucking cunt.' I was beyond even anger. I only managed an even tone. Of course, it was in my own head. So I couldn't really modulate it.

"Calm your penis Kyle. I was just saying. Also, I lost the game." Danny replied.

'I just do not care Danny. Who even plays the game anymore?'

"I don't know. But just in case. Ahem. THE GAME That is all gentlemen and ladies.

Pokey walked out of the bathroom, shaking his head to get the excess water off of his face from when he had washed it. He did not expect me. I was like the Spanish Inquisition. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. My booted foot hit his balls like an acme anvil attached a Saturn IV rocket. He literally flew into the air from the force of the blow. As he hit the ground, he let out a pained moan. He then proceeded to roll around and cradle his nuts as he moaned in pain.

"Why Kyle." Pinkie said flatly.

"He's an asshole. Also, fuck the police." I replied.

"Yeah! Anarchy! Nihilism! Fuck the police! Screw you government! You fat bloated fascist plutocrat pigs!" Pinkie was getting very absorbed. It was probably time to go. I shook my head and made for the door.

"Hey wait! You wanna smoke some weed with me?" Pinkie asked innocently. Her face looked hopeful. How could I say no?

"No." I said as I walked out. That kids, is how you say no like a baws.

I only had two ponies left. Twilight and Dash. I didn't have to worry about them until later though, so I might actually be able to get some quiet. Also, I still had a raging erection. I had to go find some ice. Or maybe I could find my wife? Well, I should put that on my list either way. Wait a second, I could go get ice at my wife's house. Brilliant!I made a quick stop at Twilight's house, got directions to my wife's apartment, then I quickly made my way there.

I had been expecting something shitty, like the prospects, but this was better. It reminded me of the condos near my house. Nice middle class residences. I shrugged and made my way to the gate. A security pony greeted me through the gate and asked my business.

"I'm here to see Vinyl Scratch." I said politely.

"Reason?" He asked.

"She's my wife." I said simply.

"Can you prove that?"

"I have my wedding band." I held up my wrist. I had never taken it off.

"Alright, you can go in, but if I get a complaint, your ass is out." He said. He walked over and unlocked the gate, allowing me in. I made my way up to the apartment number I had been given. Apartment sixty-nine. Hah hah. Yes that is a fake laugh you jerk. I knocked on the door. Waiting patiently for Vinyl to open it. I was surprised to be greeted by Octavia. Why was I surprised? No damn clue.

"Why hello there Kyle! It is very nice to see you again." Octavia said politely.

"Good afternoon Tavi. I was hoping you could-"

"What did you call me?" Octavia said angrily. Right. She hated the nicknames thing. Damn you Dennis. You lied to me.

"I said Miss Octavia." I lied. Forgive me father for I have sinned to protect the wholeness of my testicles.

"Oh. I thought you said something else. Anyway, Vinyl is in the shower. Why don't you come in and sit down." Octavia said politely. She opened the door and allowed me inside. I was immediately struck by the immaculate state of affairs inside. Everything was crisp and clean. I left my shoes at the door so as not to get even a speck of dirt on the ridiculously well kept white carpeting. White carpet had never sounded like a good idea; it seemed to invite stains with promises of parties and cake, but this was so clean I could see why people would want it. I went over to sit on the black leather couch. Now this, this was good. I could just lay my head back, relax, and watch my wife come out of the bathroom still wet and completely undressed. Wait.

I sat my head back up. Sure enough, there she was. The mare of my dreams. I think. Anyway, she was pretty damn hot. what with her shaggy blue hair, blood red eyes, and vampyric canines. *sigh* Dennis, when I find you, I will stab you to death with a plastic cup. How will I do that you ask? How is a plastic cup sharp? It isn't, and that is the entire point. No pun intended. Vinyl licked her teeth and sauntered over to me, oblivious to Octavia's angry shouts that she dry off and stop getting water everywhere. It was kind of funny actually, and damn if it wasn't hot. You know what Dennis? Nevermind. If I find you, I am going to give you a big sloppy kiss and tell you you are the most brilliant author in history.

My apparently vampiric wife trotted her wet sexy ass straight over to me, and sat in my lap. Oh shit. Hope she didn't notice my boner. Oh well, whatever, if she got my clothes wet, totally worth it. As I looked closer at her face, I began to wonder how I missed that she was a walker of the night. It was kind of noticeable, and even if I had been too blind to see it, you would think Glenn or Danny would have noticed.

"What brings you here honey?" I could honestly get used to that. The voice alone was worth it.

"I came to see you." I meant it. Giggity

"Oh you're so cute. My little vampire man." She said affectionately as she nuzzled my neck. I barely noticed it. I was too busy reeling from what she just called me. If she made me a vampire, there was going to be some hell to pay.

"Uh. Could you hold on just one moment? I have to go use the bathroom." I said as I lifted her off me and made my way to the restroom. Once there, I looked in the mirror. I was planning to look and see if I had elongated canines, but what I saw was worse. Or rather, what I didn't see. I didn't see myself. I had no reflection. I was nosferatu, and I hadn't noticed until now. I was so out of touch.

"You're a vampire now? Well, that would explain your enhanced physical ability, and your weakness. You haven't fed bro. You need blood now. Also, you are now the dream of almost every woman in existence. How do you feel?" I was heartened to know that Danny didn't give a shit. Well, not really.

'I think I'm just gonna throw up in the toilet now.' I thought to myself as I lost my guts. Not much came up. Just a bunch of sour bile that stung my throat and left a bitter taste in my mouth. I coughed and sputtered for about five minutes before wiping my mouth with my sleeve and standing up again. I drank some water from the faucet and washed my face until I was presentable again. This wouldn't be so bad, considering all the other things, this was like an improvement.

I stepped to the door, took a deep breath, and walked out. Being a foul demon of the night might not be so bad. I already slept all day and partied all night on a regular basis, going full time wouldn't be too much of a stretch. I would only have a problem if they tried for a reality show back home. That would be fucking stupid.

Wherever the fuck TLC's headquarters is:

A well dressed, middle aged man staggered and fell off his shaking knees into a waiting chair. He rubbed his head and moaned.

"What's wrong? Are you feeling okay?" Another younger man in a suit asked.

"I don't know." The older man said. "I felt a... disturbance. As if something has just happened that could generate millions of teenage viewers and billions of dollars in sponsoring."

"What is it? What could cause something like this?" The younger man asked, shaking the older's shoulders as he looked in his eyes.

The man returned his look with wide eyes. "A vampire." He said ominously, before falling to the floor dead.

Back to reality.

I walked back to the couch and sat next to my wife. I put my arm around her and she rested her head on my shoulder. This was nice. Sure, I would now have to drink other people's blood and shit. Not to mention the fact that 'normal people' would hunt me. Wait a second. Who would care? Most normal people watched vampire movies. People loved Blade, Hellsing, Twilight. Who was going to hate me? Christians? The Bible never mentioned vampires, none of them would care. Muslims? Who gives a shit about their opinions anyway? Far as America was concerned, they were annoying misogynistic terrorists. Catholics? They were assholes anyway. Who liked Catholics? Other Catholics, and even then, plenty of Catholics ended up becoming agnostics and atheists because of how fucking retarded and assholish the Cathoic church was. Let the pope condemn me. Mouth of God my ass. All popes were, without exception, senile, boy loving, diaper wearing old bags. Oh yeah. I was going to have my damn fun. I was going to sit with my undead wife, I was going to cuddle her, and I was going to enjoy it.

I lay my head down on top of hers, and let her wet hair get in my face. Her fur was still damp, and the wetness started soaking through my clothes. I didn't care. I was truly happy for the first time in a while. I felt an unfamiliar little flutter in my chest, and an urge, I had to be close to her, I didn't want to ever let go. I could stay like this forever. I wrapped both of my arms around her slender form, she was softer than any pillow, and more beautiful than anything else in the world. I could feel her chest expanding and contracting every time she breathed. I could feel her warm breath against my neck. I felt the heat from her body soaking into me along with the water in her coat, and I briefly wondered why she still had body heat when she was a vampire, but I wasn't about to complain. Over time her breathing slowed, and I realized she had fallen asleep. The knowledge that she trusted me so, enough to fall asleep in my arms, the feeling was like a thousand Julys. It was indescribably evocative. It wasn't even as if it was arousing, it was just... good. I couldn't help but smile. My real smile. It wasn't my evil smile, my false smile, it wasn't even the smile I had when I took momentary happiness from a jest, or a joke, it wasn't an amused smile. This smile was joyful, happy, The feeling isn't something that I could describe, or wanted to. If I put it to words, I felt I would ruin what it was. My heart was lighter. I felt like I could float out of my shoes. I felt so... emotional, I wanted to laugh, cry, dance, and weep all at once. If it was possible, I got even closer to the object of my affection. I closed my eyes, and slept the most restful sleep I had had in years.

It was dark when I awoke. the half moon cast a shadow of light through the curtains covering the sheen polished windows. Vinyl was still in my arms, but she was breathing fast enough that I knew she was awake. I unwrapped my arms and stroked her hair with my fingers. She looked up at my face, her beautiful red eyes gazing into me like an Xray. A pretty little Xray. one that I could take every day. I kissed her on the forehead, and she nuzzled me on the neck in return. I didn't want to leave, but I had to deal with all this stuff going on before it got even more out of hand.

"I have to go." I whispered as I pulled her head to my chest and cradled it.

"Why?" She asked. Almost disappointedly. I was too, but I had to.

"I need to take care of some business, but I'll be back." I said quietly.

"I'll be waiting." She said as she lifted her head and looked into my eyes again.

"Believe me, I ain't gonna drag this out." I said tenderly.

"Honey?" She said as I stood up to leave.

"Yes?" I said softly.

"Do you have time to eat before you go?" It was almost like she was pleading. I turned around. Her head was cocked to one side, her sweet little eyes begged me to give one last obeisance before I left her again.

"Sure." I said softly. I flashed her a quick smile.

She smiled sweetly in return and beckoned me to the kitchen. She took out two glasses and set them on the table. Then she went to the refrigerator and pulled out a clear plastic I.V. bag. She ripped the plastic cap off the bag and poured the liquid in the glasses. I walked over and sat at the table. I took one of the glasses and eyed it. Blood. Of course, now that I was a vampire, I didn't eat food. I raised the glass to my lips, then hesitated. Could I call myself a God fearing man after this? Well, I already couldn't, because I was no longer a man. I was a nightmare. I hunted men. I was the thing that children hid under blankets to escape, and apparently what women between the ages of thirteen and thirty wanted to go under blankets with. I was a monster. Or was I? Had I really changed? How was I different? Perhaps it wasn't as I saw it. I was me. I would always be me. The only thing that changed was the weather I liked and the food I ate, and perhaps what could kill me. My psyche wasn't changed. If anything, I felt better than ever! I eyed the drink again. I eyed the... blood, again. Then I looked back to Vinyl, who was eyeing me curiously. It was time to make a change. No more hiding behind the cloak of humour to cover my real feelings, actually, that was going to stay. Humour was still funny, but anyway, no more bullshit.

I raised my glass and extended my arm to Vinyl. "To a better life." A rather ironic statement considering I was dead, but still. Vinyl smiled and klinked her glass into mine. I sipped at first, it was different. It wasn't salty, it didn't have a coppery tang like my blood always had when I had tasted it. It was... sweet? No, it was... just... good. It was disturbing, but at the same time, it was freeing, but most importantly, it was strengthening. I felt an inhuman vitality spreading across my body, coursing through my veins. It was good. I felt better. I felt like I could run a thousand miles, fight a thousand battles, make love to my wife a thousand times. I wanted to leave even less now. I wanted to feel that sensation, that feeling of love, ten thousand times more, forever even. No. For Twilight. I had to save her from Rarity. That crazy bitch was trying to force love on them. Not knowing that she was going to alienate them from that very feeling she sought selflessly to provide them with. It must. Not. Be.

I stood up quickly, so quickly the chair flew back. I walked to the door, opening it with a new sense of purpose, but something bade me pause, I turned my head, and looked back at Vinyl, who now gazed longingly at me. "Goodbye Vinyl." I hesitated, that wasn't what I had wanted to say, but I just couldn't say the words. Those three damned words, Fight a thousand battles, but he can't say three words. I could hear people saying. I searched my heart of hearts, but I just couldn't say it, then I saw those eyes again, I couldn't grow tired of those eyes, those orbs of red that laid bare my tortured soul. I found many things in those eyes, I found happiness, I found contentment, but most importantly, I found the words, they rolled off of my tongue almost of their own accord. "I love you." Such a simple phrase, a phrase with a thousand meanings, but only one meaning was the deep meaning, the emotion, the feeling it was supposed to convey, that little four letter word, so overused and bastardized. The feeling of love. Something so amazingly indescribable it could never have come from humans alone. It was running through heather meadows, morning dew on grass, sunsets on the ocean, it was happiness, sadness, melancholy, it was tears and dancing and springs and fountains, flowers on rivers and snow on the mountains, it was hellos and goodbyes. I realized as I looked into her eyes. Love didn't wait on the doorstep, it didn't stop, ever, love was who would be waiting on the doorstep for me to come home. I realized then that the feeling didn't have to end because I went away. The feeling was love, and I would keep it with me. I wouldn't let it go away, because I wouldn't let my love fade. I would fan the flames, and the fire would spring up anew, stronger and more beautiful than ever before. I smiled, that real smile again. "Goodbye Vinyl. I love you." Then I walked out. Leaving my wife smiling, blood still staining her coat just above her lips.

As I walked out of the apartment complex, I decided that I would always say those three words. When I left her, when I came back, and when I was with her. I would remind her, and myself, every chance I had, and I would never let it go stale. That was the commitment I made, to have and to hold, as long as you both shall live. I imagine I had said something to that effect. Until death do us part though, that would have to change. I did die recently. Likely not long after I was married. 'Til undeath do us part? No no. That wouldn't work. I thought as I broke into a sprint for Twilight's house. It felt like I was breaking mach 1 as I ran. I knew this was likely impossible, but the feeling was definitely good.

I laughed as I ran doing little hops and skips occasionally. Undeath was shaping up to be a real good time. Life had certainly lost its lustre. Funny how it had taken death to find the joys of life. I was a dead, unfeeling, monster, and I felt better than ever. I had to stop for just a moment to admire the comedy of the entire situation. A dead man feels more emotion than a living one? I could see the Onion news headline now. I chuckled to myself just a bit. Then sighed. It was time to move. Twilight was due to be raped tonight, and I was going to stop it.

I arrived at Twilight's house just as the other stallion was walking to the door. Who was it again? Snails? Gah. Whatever. It didn't matter, he would get a neck full of fangs if he stepped any closer. Well, he wouldn't, I wasn't quite down with that one yet, but he was going to hurt if he thought he was going to get that pussy tonight. I briefly considered what I was doing. I was a vampire keeping a guy from sexing a mare. What did that make me? I couldn't help but laugh out loud in amusement when I realized what I truly was. I was none other than... Cock Blocula. As Snails made his way towards the door he saw only me laughing so hard I was clutching my sides. I sure knew about first impressions.

"Uh... Excuse you?" Snails er whatever the fuck his name is said uncertainly.

"Oh heheh sorry kid. I couldn't help it. It was just too good. Anyway, you've got about three seconds to leave before I drop kick you right in the muzzle." I said between chuckles.

"Uhm." Snails said again.

"Look just go home. Okay? Whatever it is, it can wait." I spoke calmly, but firmly.

"Uh. Okay." He said as he turned away. Crisis averted. Rarity must have been fuming like a tea kettle. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. I shouldn't have been able to spot it, but my vision was so much clearer in the night now. It was almost better than the daytime. The moon beat on me warmly, something it had never done. I spotted that bit of movement again. A flash of white, and purple. Speak of the devil. Hah! Another little irony, considering I was the hellborn beast here. I ran quickly towards where I had seen her last, I caught her scent, it smelled of sweet perfume, but there was an undercurrent of something obscene, like when you cover a stench with febreeze. I assumed this was the scent of malicious intent. I honed in on the direction of the scent, locking onto it like a sidewinder missile; another little pun, and sprinted towards it. My instinct kicked in, I moved more silently than ever before, almost as if I wasn't there. I was the moonlight, the darkness, a shadow, and I moved with all the haste of the wind. Rarity had profaned love, had blasphemed against it. For that, she would pay dues.

In the space of two heartbeats, I was in front of her. To the casual observer, it would have seemed that I simply was there. I had come from nowhere, and was now there. Rarity was certainly not prepared. She jumped back with a startled yelp. Her eyes went wide as she realized it was me, then her face became angry and her features contorted into those of anger, and hatred.

"You. You've been ruining my plans. Do you know what you've done? Days of planning. Ruined! Because of you! How could you?" Rarity was at first angry, but then she seemed to be sad. She really had done this out of the goodness of her heart. The road to hell was paved with good intentions, but there was still hope to avoid adding the cobble to complete the path. I spoke softly, but with all the authority and insistence of a disappointed father speaking with his child. Telling him what he had done wrong, and telling him what to do instead. Telling him that it was alright. That mistakes were inevitable, that even as he punished his child, he still loved him.

"Rarity. I understand what you planned, I know what you wanted to do, that's why I had to stop you, but also why I don't hold it against you, and why I think they won't either, if they really are your friends. I had to stop your plans because they aren't the way to achieve your goal. You can't force love, or affection. I've seen how this story ends Rarity, and it ain't pretty. You would never have made them feel love. You would have done the opposite. If I hadn't stopped it, your generous plans would have destroyed them. Robbed them their chance to feel real love. And I would not have noticed this, if I had not felt these feelings for the first time just today. I had originally planned to simply thwart your plans, but that would treat only the symptoms of the problem, not the cause. Rarity, don't let impatience get the better of you, there are some things you can't give your friends, and that's okay. If they don't experience it for themselves, it's just a sour feeling. I understand you now, I understand what you wanted, I understand that you wanted them to be loved by somebody, but you can't do it for them. Even if I let you go through with it, your best laid plans would have bee nothing but a path to pain and misery. So please, leave it be." I finished my little speech after waxing poetic and going straight on into Shakespearean diction.

Rarity stared in awe at me. Her jaw almost touching the ground, her eyes large as plates. There was always a lot to see in the eyes, and I was learning fast what to look for, but I didn't have to look too hard. A single tear rolled down her face. I could see that she was truly hurt. She was seeing what she had done, and it made her cry. The floodgates opened as she fell into my arms and cried. I couldn't tell you how long we sat there. She crying into my arms as I held her. I said nothing, there was nothing to say that I hadn't said. It was best now to be there, and wait for her to calm down. It took a long time. Her heart-wracking sobs carried on long after she had run out of tears. I was afraid, that perhaps I had broken her, that she would be unable to cope with the knowledge of what she had done, but after a long while, she was at last able to speak. She spoke in a small voice, barely above a whisper, two words that told me everything would be okay in the end. "I'm sorry." She said as she raised her head up to look me in the eyes. I saw pain in those eyes, and misery, I saw sadness, but what assured me that it would be okay, was that I saw sorrow.

I smiled as I saw her face, and heard those words. Sorrow is the first step towards repentance, and repentance is what she needed. I spoke softly to her, as tenderly as I could. "I forgive you. For what it's worth. But you haven't wronged me. You owe it to your friends. Tell them what you did. If you as close as you all say you are, your friends will forgive you. Regardless of what you did."

"Thank you." She said softly as just a little light came back to her eyes. "Do you think they'll forgive me? For...this?" She asked hopefully.

I thought for a moment of all the times they had forgiven each other in the shows, about all the times they had forgiven each other since we got here. I thought about all the times they had forgiven me, a stranger, a fool, an asshole. If they could forgive that, then... "Yes. I think they will." I said confidently.

Rarity got up from the ground, still sniffling, and wiped her bleary eyes with her foreleg. "Well. If you will excuse me." She said as a bit of her feisty side returned. "I have to go home and bathe. This is most unbecoming of a civilized mare." The old Rarity was back, and perhaps a bit wiser. She gathered herself up and stood again with all the pride that she had carried herself with for as long as I had seen her. But she was a bit different. As she turned to go back to her home, she turned her head one last time in my direction, and whispered one last "thank you" before trotting off into the darkness.

"Well. There's that problem solved." I said aloud.

"Bah! Hubris!" A voice said derisively. I turned around. There was no figure. Where had it come fro- and suddenly, the worst pain I had ever experienced assailed me. It was all consuming, all encompassing, the bitter opposite of that hallowed feeling that had sweetened my life earlier. This was the pain that stole that feeling. The pain of death. I looked down to the source of my suffering. A cruel serrated blade was lodged in my abdomen, its polished sheened edge reflecting every droplet of my blood with startling clarity. It was a beautiful sight, a terrible beauty, but beauty none the less.

"Do you like my blades? I made them for the princesses, but they work so well on others too. You should really be quite thankful I give this respite, the worst of your sweet pain is still to come." That voice. I knew it from... somewhere. I couldn't think, the pain made it too hard. All I could focus on was the feeling of encroaching pain, and its ugly source. I lifted a shaking hand to touch the piece of metal lodged in my stomach, futilely reaching for the thing that had gutted me.

"Such strength! I wish I could have taken my time with you. You would have been such a wonderful little plaything." The mare thing that had impaled me let out a sigh. "But... I suppose that needs must." She cooed softly. With that, she unceremoniously ripped the cruel weapon out, twisting slightly to cause as much pain as she could. I would have screamed then; emptied my lungs as I let loose a blood curdling scream of wretched pain, but I didn't. I couldn't have, she had torn my lungs along with most every other vital organ as she unsheathed her wicked blade from my body. I was dead. My heart had stopped. There was hardly anything left inside my body. I landed on my knees, but quickly fell to the ground. There was no strength left in me. I could do little more than whimper, cry and twitch in life ending agony as what was left of my life's blood drained into the ground. My eyes were blurred with tears of pain. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, could hardly think, but through some cruel twist of fate, I could feel. The thing that had stabbed me, that had ended my unlife, walked in front of me and brushed the tears from my eyes.

"Still alive? I am impressed. Well... we couldn't say you were alive. Now could we? Your heart is all over the ground. You are dead, but your body offers you one last disservice of not allowing you to taste the sweetness of the abyss. I would have you look upon your death. Me. I don't believe you know who I am. So I will allow you the courtesy of knowing who killed you." With that, she spread her wings; while simultaneously showing her wickedly cruel wing blades, and shouted in the Canterlot voice. "I. AM. BLOODMOON!" Her theatrics were lost on me, I was too busy trying to make my body ignore its instinct to breathe. My mouth was filled with blood, and my lungs were so wrecked it didn't matter. Death by suffocation. My heart was no longer in my body, and I was going to die of suffocation. I was going to drown in my own blood, and then this thing was going to drink it. Bathe in it. Another great irony of life. Or was it death? Here I was, a vampire, about to be killed, so that the thing which killed me could drink my blood. It made me wish Danny was here in my head. One last little joke between friends. I wished Vinyl could be here, but then I thought better of it. She should never have to see this, me, disemboweled with my enemy cackling and laughing with insane glee. My vision was darkening. Or was I just closing my eyes? The pain disappeared, to be replaced with nothingness. There was no feeling. Perhaps I was finally done. I saw Vinyl's eyes one last time before my vision went black. The image seemed to last... forever.

What the fuck am I?

My eyes snapped open, I was still in the forest. How was I still clinging to any semblance of unlife? I had just had my organs ripped out by a giant hacksaw sword. I looked at my chest and saw what was probably the fifty-seventh most disturbing thing I had seen in my life. My body was still reconstituting itself, my ribs and spine cracked themselves back into place as my organs began growing back into their proper positions in my abdomen. I had been disemboweled by a saw toothed weapon and I was still alive. Fuck my unlife. My body still hurt like hell, every small movement was an agony of itself, but I was still going. I did my best to get off the ground, and I eventually managed to stagger upright.

"Hey dude. What's going on?" Danny asked casually.

'I just got disemboweled by a roided up Nightmare Moon! That's what's going the fuck on you bastard! Why is it that the one time it would have been helpful for you to be in my head you're off doing your own thing?" I raged angrily.

"Hold up, let me get this straight. You got disemboweled?" He asked quizzically.

'Yeah. You know what that means right? Where your internal organs aren't where they're supposed to be." I said with an impatient snarl.

"How was it?" He asked conversationally.

'Like bathing in magma.'

"Damn. So uh... Anything else?" Danny asked nonchalantly.

'Well let's see. How about the fact that the thing that almost tore me in half is probably within spitting distance of you right now.' I said angrily through my teeth, only in my mind.

"That sounds bad. So uh... How bad is she?" Danny said sort of nervously.

'Imagine we were to take Jeff the killer, and through some unholy alchemy fuse his broken mind with Freddy Krueger's and the most disturbing part of my psyche, and place it in the body of an alicorn princess. That would be about right.'

"Well, that's no good. I guess I better go wake up Glenn." Danny signed off my brain after that, and I assumed he would be completely useless from now on. I had to find that crazy bitch before she gutted someone who wasn't going to stitch back together. It shouldn't be too hard, I just had to follow her scent, through the sky. Son of a bitch.

I just had to think. What would the sworn enemy of the elements of harmony be doing in Ponyville? What reason would she have to come to the town of her mortal enemies? I wonder. Then I had it. She was here to recruit members to help her take over Canterlot. Why else would she have come in under the radar?

"Really dude? Please tell me you're just being sarcastic to yourself for some odd vampiric reason I don't understand." Glenn monotoned into my skull.

'Glenn? What are you doing in my head? I swear there has got to be a maximum occupancy in there somewhere." I was a bit frustrated now, another dude was in my head, the number of voices just kept growing. I would be batshit crazy by now if I didn't know who they were.

"Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's here for the elements of harmony. So you know, might want to get on that." Glenn always did speak softly, I just wish he carried a big gun. It would certainly help in this situation.

"I'm going to ignore that. Oh hang on just a second." For some reason I could still hear what was going on. Glenn walked over to something, messed around with something, then quickly moved away from whatever it was. "Okay, good news, I know where your nutcase is. Bad news is, she's looking right at me. To his credit, Glenn remained calm, he probably should have been freaking out a little bit more.

'Uh shit. Okay. Where are you right now?' I asked.

"At Fluttershy's.

'Listen to me. Okay? Take Fluttershy, and get the fuck out of there now. Just fucking run Glenn.' I said urgently. He had to get out of there. That girl was not someone to fuck with. I didn't want to think of what she would do if she got her blood-soaked hooves on Glenn, and if she got to Fluttershy... 'Glenn. Call Danny, I am on my way. Do not stay there. Run the fuck away.' I was worried. Hell, I was more than worried, I was a step shy of biting my fingernails. I was sprinting full tilt for Fluttershy's cottage.

"What about the animals? You and I both know she'd slaughter them." Glenn was picking the worst time to have a problem with running.

'Glenn. I can guarantee you that you and Fluttershy will die if you stay there.' I said solemnly

"Don't sweat it Kyle, I got this." Danny said confidently.

'Danny this is fucking serious! She isn't like Chrysalis where you can reason with her. She's a damn monster! She will kill you on sight even if she has no idea who you are.' I was pretty sure Danny didn't understand the gravity of the situation. That chick Vlad the Impaled me on a handsaw and laughed while I choked on my blood. This was a proper villain, and she was as evil as the Texas Chainsaw Massacre guy. Only bangable. Where did that come from?

"No idea, but it's okay, I'll be careful. I don't think she even knows I'm here. Oh wait, yeah she's smiling at me. Well, she's charging, better sit here and take out mah handcannons!" I heard a series of draconian roars as Danny let loose a volley of what sounded like comically oversized rounds. I had to get there fast, I had a hunch that bullets were not going to help. I willed myself to run even faster, but I was already at top speed. How far away was this damn place? And then on the horizon, I saw it, Fluttershy's. Finally.

As I ran closer, I saw the fight going on between Danny and that bitch Bloodmoon. Danny was using his secret, 'flail wildly until you win' tactic, while Bloodmoon was standing a few feet back, watching in mild amusement. As she shook her head and prepared to swat him aside, she saw me out of the corner of her eye. For a moment, she seemed surprised to see me, but then she smiled that shark tooth grin and stomped one foot on the ground slowly. She was clapping. What a little tart.

"So you managed to live? I don't see how. You were dead. What is your secret?" Her voice was so condescending, it was almost palpable.

"Have you been clopping or are you just happy to see me? How about you bend over so I can fuck you like the bitch you are." Insulting a minor deity was not a smart move, but hopefully Danny could stop being retarded and help before she managed to kill me... Again.

"Hah. I think I'll take my time with you. How would you like to be my little slave?" She was such a little floater, and she really knew how to set the mood. Slave? Really?

"Yeah how about no." I said quickly. That was a distinct impossibility.

"Pity. I guess you'll have to die then." She said almost sadly.

"I already did, I didn't much like it. Turns out death is highly overrated." I spoke calmly, I was in my element again. The world was slowing down again, I saw everything with startling clarity. I could count every blade of grass, pick out each hair in Bloodmoon's coat. Bloodmoon however, was not so affected by my enhanced perception, when she moved, it was fast. I barely had time to get back before her wingblade cut a gash across my chest. She was quick, easily as fast as me, if not faster. She followed through on her swipe until her backside was pointing towards me, I saw what was coming only just in time to keep from being injured internally. Her hooves lashed out in a powerful buck as I jumped back, but she was so fast that her hooves still managed to glance me. The blow sent me flying back ten feet. She barely touched me, but it still felt like she broke a few ribs. It was then that I realized I was outclassed. I probably should have figured that after she tore me apart in less than a second the last time we met. It seemed I had found the one alicorn with any sort of combat experience, and go figure she was a psychotic butcher.

I hit the ground and rolled back just as she sent her wingblade in a downwards arc that would have torn me in half. I pushed down with my arms and ended up on my feet, just in time to see her jump-flying towards me. I did a heavily improvised forward dive and went into a roll. I followed through about 180 degrees before pushing down with my hands while extending my legs. She saw it coming and managed to dodge the worst of the blow. I succeeded only in grazing her. It was probably about as bad as a love tap for her. I righted myself in the air and came down on my feet, I twirled to face her again. There was a lull then, she was superior, she could afford to take her time. She was playing games with me. It was the most annoying thing ever to know that some stupid bink was fucking around with me.

We faced each other for a time, neither one of us moved, we didn't even blink, we just stared into each-other's eyes. This was something pure, I could feel her eyes boring into me, trying to read me, as I did the same. We were both interrupted however, by a completely pointless and distracting yell. We both looked towards the source of the noise to see Daniel moving in slow motion. Seriously? Bloodmoon glanced at Danny for a second, then looked back to me. "Really?" She said simply. I just shook my head. The direction he was coming from meant that I could never reach him before she did. Danny was so fucked. Danny was still moving agonizingly slowly as he dived forward to tackle Bloodmoon. She swung her wing out contemptuously and neatly removed his head. The body, rather than simply falling down, promptly exploded into... Cherry marmalade? Bloodmoon coughed and spluttered as she spit bits of cherry out of her mouth and wiped it out of her eyes. "I hate cherry." She said lividly.

"Sup beaaaaatttchhh!" Danny was suddenly directly in Bloodmoon's face, and he let go with the most absolutely wicked right uppercut I have ever seen. His fist was actually on fire. That magical little son of a bitch had actually managed to surprise her. His uppercut didn't seem to have the desired effect though, as Bloodmoon remained firmly fixed to the ground looking very angrily into Danny's eyes, and away from me. I sent a vicious kick into Bloodmoon's underbelly, driving the breath from her lungs and catapulting her off the ground. Danny followed through on my attack and again landed a fist onto her lower jaw, he may have been slower, but in this case, it didn't matter. Danny summoned two more marmalade clones, each one did an upwards high kick, and each simultaneously said half of Danny's name. Bloodmoon flew even higher into the air, I knew what was coming next. Bloodmoon managed to get her wings spread, and was about to fly back, but she was late, the real Danny was already above her, and he removed a comically oversized sledge hammer from his pocket. "Levandowski barrage!" He yelled as he quite literally brought the hammer down.

The sight of Bloodmoon being hit in the face with a giant hammer was something I wish I had been able to take a picture of. It was easily the most comical sight that day. Danny appeared next to me, cracking his knuckles and admiring the crater he had made in Fluttershy's yard.

"Well, I guess that's that." He said as he rubbed his hands together and walked away. I turned to follow him, and promptly took a blade in the back. "Gah! Fuck! Why the hell is it always me?" I yelled as I fell to my knees and again became acquainted to the taste of my own blood.

"I think it's because you can take a dagger to the lung without dying." Danny said matter-of-factly.

"Fuck off your shit you bitch!" I yelled as I turned to look at Bloodmoon and the throwing knife lodged in my back. I grabbed the handle and pulled it out. Fuck that hurt. I looked at the knife, still coated in my blood, and licked the blade before I could stop myself. The edges of my vision went red as I cleaned the knife of my blood.

"Dude. You are well and truly losing your shit." Danny said as he watched me.

I turned and regarded him, he said later that my irises went completely black, while my pupils glowed with an infernal red light. It sounded pretty badass to be honest, and also demonic. Perhaps I was the monster people saw.

"Ah. Now I see what you are. Monster. You are just like me. You have tasted blood, and it is sweet. But now I ask you, have you tasted flesh?" Bloodmoon smiled and walked towards us. I came to my senses then, this wasn't me. Well, not the me I had a desire to be. Not now.

"I'm going to kill you. You crazy whore!" I yelled as I attacked her with the small knife. She easily dodged my attacks, cackling with insane glee as I futilely launched blow after useless blow. I couldn't hit her, I had no finesse. I was angry, and it got the best of me, I was doing little more now than providing a source of amusement. I was doing jack shit, and it sucked. Danny though, that bastard, bless his crazy soul, took advantage of my anger and managed to land a solid punch to her face. He never saw the wingblade coming towards him, but I did. I could have blocked it, I would have, should have in fact, but I didn't, I had to wound her at least once. I pushed Danny out of the way and slashed her across the flank, the cut was long, and deep. Blood gushed messily onto me as her wicked serrated blade slammed into my abdomen again, but it was different this time, a cutting wound, a ripping wound. A mortal wound. I wimpered in pain as I felt the blade stop at my spine, I had come about three inches shy of carved in two. Bloodmoon grunted as my blade carved across her right flank and side. I was thrown off of her blade from the force of her blow, and I flew back and landed in a bloody mess. Fuck that hurt. If she hadn't fucked my lungs in the face again I would have given her the immense satisfaction of hearing me cry out in pain, but it didn't happen, and she was again cheated. How sad.

"I should really stop cutting your lungs. I would really love to hear you scream." She said angrily. "As it stands though, I'll have to settle for hearing your friend cry like a filly." She said as she turned towards Danny. She prepared to pounce on Danny, but then happened to look up. "Damn it to tartarus!" She said angrily as she looked at the moon. "We will continue this later." She snarled angrily, clearly wishing to finish us off here, but bound by something else more important. "I had hoped to destroy the bearers first, but no matter. I can always come back later." With that, she was gone. Disappeared to God knows where.

Danny ran over to me and saw that I was still alive, or at least, conscious. "Holy shit dude. How are you still alive?" He said as he saw my wounds. I couldn't speak, my lungs were full of blood again. All I could manage was to spit up a globule of blood and glare at him angrily. He unfortunately didn't notice, unsurprising since he was looking at the giant chunk of body missing from my abdominal cavity. 'Hell of a weight loss program.' I thought to myself. "Dude." Danny said as he shook his head. "This is fucking crazy." I turned my head towards him and glared as angrily as I could. I coughed up another cup of blood. Fuck this shit sucked.

It took a minute, but soon enough I could feel a deviation from the normal pain into a more reassuring one. I could see my body knitting itself back together. Eventually, I was able to get up again. I looked at the place where my wound used to be, nothing. Much better.

Danny was obviously fascinated by this as well, and was staring open-mouthed at me. "Dude." He said. "You are so fucking OP! This just isn't fucking fair man!" He shouted as he turned away.

"Firstly, your welcome, since you would have died if I hadn't saved your ass. Secondly, you made a bunch of clones and pulled a giant hammer out of your pocket, not to mention the fact that you summoned a 747 passenger liner and the largest conventional weapon known to mankind. You can possess bodies with your mind, use instant teleportation spells with no charge times, and make your fist light up with magical fire. How am I overpowered because I have the power to just go through near indescribably horrible pain instead of dying? Quit being a bitch and go see if Glenn made it out okay." I was feeling pretty damn unappreciated right then, it seemed no matter what I did someone was bitching about it.

Danny thought for a moment about what I said. Then he spoke. "Yeah that seems fair. I'll stick with not getting hit, and you can go about feeling intense misery every time you fail to dodge. Also, Glenn is fine. He and Shy are in the basement." Danny said as he walked towards the house.

"Think we should try to find out what the hell's going on?" I yelled to Danny as he walked slowly towards the house.

"Maybe later. Right now, I am going to play a game of Clue with Glenn." Danny said as he took the game box out of his space defying pocket.

I sighed. Then shook my head. What a damn day. I had my heart exploded twice, found out I was a vampire, found out my wife was a vampire, it was like some God-forsaken sitcom. I sat down in the grass and promptly fell onto my back. I looked at what was left of my clothes. They were fucked to shit. The whole suit had started out white, now it was red with blood, pretty much all of it mine. Aside from that, there were two enormous tears in the shirt and coat for where I had been stabbed and slashed, both by the same pony. I was running through outfits like copy paper, at this rate, I would need a new clothing set every day. Fuck that shit. Hopefully we wouldn't be hearing from that bitch Bloodmoon for a while. I sighed again, and as I looked over, I saw the knife I had used to cut Bloodmoon. The blade was still red, the blood was fresh. I could see my vision going red around the edges. I put my hand on the hilt, and lifted it slowly to my face. I ran my tongue across the edge I had used to cut her with, and tasted the sap of her veins. It was sweeter than honey. I could feel my strength returning from just that one taste. My strength returned, and then some. I was even better! I jumped to my feet. Impossibly going from lying on my back to standing on my feet without even using my arms. I still held the knife, and I greedily drank the rest of her blood from the cold edge of the knife. I had to find that bitch, feed on her. Then I could be strong. I shook my head, realizing what I had just done, what I had been thinking. This was not good. I was growing obsessed with the blood of my enemy, and not just to spill it, if that somehow made it less horrible, but to drink it. Fuck. I needed a drink... No I didn't.

"Fluttershy! Fluttershy come quick! The princess ne- Kyle?" Twilight Sparkle was here for Fluttershy. What a convenient distraction. I put the knife in my back pocket and waited for Twilight to trot over to me. "Whoah!" She hesitated as she got closer to me. I must have looked like hammered shit, what with the multiple fractures, cuts, bruises, and ragged ugly gashes I had suffered, she must have been wondering how the hell I wasn't injured. "What happened to you?" Twilight asked, horrified by my appearance.

"I uh. I had an... altercation." Damnit! Should have been specific. Now she'd press the subject.

"An altercation... with a Cerberus?" She asked quizzically.

"No. It was a... ah thing." Fuck! Blow it some more why don't you?

"It doesn't matter. We have a problem." She said ominously. Just what I needed to hear. Another Goddamned problem that we would be roped into somehow. Because deep down inside, the three of us craved adventure. Except Glenn because he wasn't retarded like Danny and I.

"What's wrong this time?" I asked exasperatedly. Might as well get it out of the way now.

"Nightmare Moon is back!" She said this like I should be surprised. After I had already had two intimate encounters with her giant saw blades, now they warned me. I couldn't help myself, I had to call Danny. I just called him in my head and he was there.

"What do you want dude? And how did you even reach me?Danny said in mild surprise.

"Firstly, I have bad news. I think we may be forming a telepathic link. Secondly, Twilight has some interesting news she wants to share with both of us." I said these words with evident anger. I didn't want to leave anything to Daniel's face fucked imagination.

"So what was the bad news again?" Danny said from beside me.

"Gah! How'd you get here so fast?" Twilight jumped in surprise. Clearly not expecting him to appear so fast.

"Magic. Only way to travel. What news did you have again?" Danny asked quickly.

"Nightmare Moon is back!" Twilight said that so dramatically, I just hoped Danny saw the humor like me.

"Kyle?" Daniel asked quietly in my head.

'Yeah.' I said as a statement.

Both of us shouted in her face in unison:

"You don't fucking say!"

A wizard is never late, he arrives precisely when he means to.

So with that I decided to go back in and play clue with Glenn. While we were playing we realized that we could look through my phone for pictures of the party we all pretty much missed. Anyway, we searched my pockets and realized that, A. The phone was gone and B. my pockets seemed to lead to some alternate dimension that looked like the inside of someone's fucked up subconscious.

A Pocket Dimension.

So we decided, against all logic, reason, and survival instinct, that we would jump in and see if we can find my phone. I removed the jacket and we both looked into the pocket before jumping in, defying all laws of mass and physics. We landed in some sub-medieval, steampunk, modern-esque place. Basically, fuck you, we had swords, and space-guns, in a steampunk land, floating in space. Yup, this place is totally real. Not fake at all, nope.

"Dude, we just hit the mother-load of fantasy sci-fi worlds." I comment in a bit of surprise, honoring the sheer awesomness of what we had just jumped into.

"Well, it seems well enough to be in your pocket. Seeing as you pull out everything from the holy grail to bed sheets from your pockets" Glenn comments in an exaggerated tone, using his arms to further exaggerate his point.

"Yea, lets go see where my phone is...can't be non-existent in this place, seeing as i put it here" I comment before we continue forward. We pass people, animals furries, ponies, dragons, and some things that I can only describe as things. Not even kidding, do you know how awkward it is to see something you quite literally cannot describe, walking down the street like its nothing? But I digress. All creatures aside I had to find my phone...right after I had some inter-dimensional ice cream.

I walk up to an old style ice-cream parlor and ask for a vanilla ice-cream cone. The server is short, with pink long hair and an adventurer outfit on, as best as I feel like describing her. She handed me the requested food in only a second and I scarfed it down without a second thought.

Now, you might be thinking 'Danny, what does this have to do with the story?' well fuck you, it's my story now, I do what I want, bitch.

Anyway, I ate the ice-cream and was on my way, nothing strange there. Well, nothing by the standards of this world, I suppose. So we kept going. No, me and Glenn together are not the biggest talkers, expect tiny snippets of babble that doesn't matter for shit, just expect it.

Anyway, we continued walking through the creature-filled world that had been created around us, until something stopped us dead in our tracks! What could possibly bring this awesome person to a screeching halt, you ask? Why it was none other than deadpool, doing the chicken dance, for a bunch of elderly folk, who were smack dab in the center of a giant tongue that belonged to the giant space creature Zorg! No, but seriously, deadpool doing the chicken dance for elderly people. This was one of the single greatest moments of my life.

I immediately ran up to get his autograph and was stopped--again! I hit a wall, and suddenly realized the show had stopped and I had just ran into a painting on a card-board wall. Fucking acme and your bullshit. Well, that was a whole lot of excitement wasted. "ONWARD AND FORWARD STEED!" I shout and then ride off into the city on an auburn horse with fir hooves and Glenn right behind me being dragged in a wagon.

We rode and rode for hours getting nowhere in this land. And I swear to myself if I see one more floating Bobby Hill dressed as super man, standing in a tub of strawberry ice-cream, eating a chicken sandwich, I am going to make a video about the in depth storage unit cheeses.

Seriously, this shit needs to be said, and bobby needs to stop eating those sandwiches. He gonna get diabetus'. We ride past a lot of them, for some reason. We also ride past a gigantic, rainbow-hued fish that looks at me like a cow looks unto an on-coming train. I have seen him before, in a dream we weren't about to get into.

HEY! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN!

NO! Fuck you Navi! Go die in a hole!

Oh, shit.
We fall down into a hole that fell for some three hours.
Which, now that I think about it, is pretty ironic. As I fall down this seemingly neverending hole I have the thought that this could be bad karma, I told Navi to die in a hole, and here I am, possibly going to die in a whole. Who am I kidding? I can't die!
And with that me and Glenn are back on the ground, standing there, like nothing ever happened. "Oh, well shit, this must be my head then" I say out loud in a surprised tone.
Glenn just gives me a dumb look and says "You don't say!"

"Oh like you knew before this anyway. Let's just keep looking for my phone, I don't see what else is here. Actually, we're in the middle of nowhere now, how the fuck do we get anywhere?" I ask, mostly to myself.

Glenn just shrugs "I don't know, it's your head, think us an exit. I'm sure your way too over-active imagination can come up with something" He says calmly, and he's right.

"We need a transportation rig. Let's just spawn one" I say, pulling up a block out of no-where, minecraft style. I place it and it turns into a star gate. "Well, that works, I guess" I say with a shrug and we both walk through.

One Doctor Who title sequence transition later we are in a dump, a garbage dump, with lots and lots of shit in it. I pick up a doll that looks strikingly exactly the same as Kyle. I decide to poke it with a tiny pin needle. I get bored and throw it out into the heap.

Elsewhere in pony reality

Kyle's just sitting around when he suddenly feels a needle prick. "ow" He mumbles, rubbing his arm. "Bwah!" he shouts in surprise as he is slung across the room into a wall, making a smashing sound on impact.

"Oooohhh. Fuck my unlife." He moans painfully.

Back to us

We walk into the adventurer's inn and checked into the king's chamber room. We got in for free because...rpg logic, that's why, now shut the fuck up. We go to our room and walk through the door into a big wide open field with tents set up, a convention. And there were furries everywhere. I don't mean fursuits, i mean actual anime style furries.

So we walk through the convention and into a tent, it seems this is actually a fair. We walk into this tent that says psychic on it and are greeted by an old female alakazam. "I expected you to come here. Please, sit down, ask me your question. I know you have one" The alakazam says in a pseudo-wise tone that is generic to psychics.

"uhhh....dude, wheres my phone?" I ask, mimicking the tone of te quote 'dude, where's my car?'. Come on, you know you read it in that voice.

So she looked at me for like ten seconds before she finally said. "You have much to do and much to learn before you may find your phone young one" She says in that same pseudo-wise tone.

I look at her, and she looks at me, and I look at her. And then I get up, and walk out of the tent, Glenn following me out. We walk out into a huge white room, the entrance...er...exit...whatever, gone now. It's just a big white room, and in the center is Kefka Palazzo of the Final Fantasy series.

"Dude, Glenn, Stand away" I say calmly in a relaxed tone. He nods and goes over to the corner of the huge room and shields himself with a magic art.

Kefka turns to me with a maniacal smile and starts laughing with insane glee. "Destroy! Destroy! Destroy! Let's destroy the world! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!" Kefka screams with psychopathic enthusiasm. Wow, I had to take on this basket case, perfect.

"well let's start the fun then!" I say with excitement as I charge forward, pulling my buster blade off of my back and swinging it forward with force. Yea, that's right. Fuck magic, fuck strategy, I'm going to swing a fucking sword.

Not surprisingly, it doesn't quite work, and I'm smashed by an energy blast that flings me into the nearest wall, causing me to dent the wall on impact. And then explode into cherry marmalade! I come up from behind him and smash a gigantic mallet into his side, flinging him into the very wall my clone had just hit. He hit the wall and bounced off, flying towards me at high speeds.

I bring up the ground below me into a make-shift wall between us that he crashes into, getting his head stuck in the rock. Three more of me come up from behind him, yanking him out to throw him to the ground. As we yank him out he spins his body, expelling dozens of energy blades and blasts.

The three of me that are hit explode into hundreds of leaves. "Razor leaf, go!" Glenn says in an amused tone behind his force field bubble. The leaves all start bombarding Kafka and slicing through and around him relentlessly. He yells in defiance as he burns away the leaves and an aura of energy surrounds him.

Above me(the real me, now) appears a red portal looking object and it drops a flaming rock. I dodge away as quickly as I can and the small explosion caused by the rock hitting the ground forced me off my balance and hitting the ground. I push myself up and away from the target area as more rocks fall from the portal.

I run away but it follows me, continuing to drop rocks way too close for comfort as I attempt to keep my balance through this barrage. I get chased around the room for like a minute with these fucking meteorites on my ass the whole time. The barrage finally stops and I catch my breath. But only for a second before I'm blasted by a ball of energy and I fly across the room, hitting the ground and sliding about a meter. I push myself up shakily, breathing heavily. "Fuck...that hurt like a bitch" I mutter with a huff as I stand up, shaking a little. I pull a bottle of carfentanyl and take out a tiny pill not even the size of my pupil.

I place it in my mouth and swallow it and suddenly. "Holy...mother of fuck...I can't...feel....anything" I say and start hitting myself harder and harder and Kefka just stares at me before walking over to me. He stabs me through the stomach with a serrated blade and pulls it out.

I look down and almost smile. "I...I can't feel it. I can't feel anything!" I shout in excitement and a little disgust as my blood pours out of the wound.

"eeyup, chalk that up to the lucky bastard can't die chart" Glenn says nonchalantly in a calm tone. I laugh and look at Kefka in mischievous glee. I pick up my previous sword and start flailing my body around, breaking and snapping bones as I flail like a ragdoll and Kefka struggles to keep up with my ragdoll movements.

Kefka finally gets in a hit and slams me with an energy blast, flinging me once again into a wall. I get up like it was nothing, though most of my inner bones were broken my muscles were in tact and I could move.

I pull a huge custom pistol out of my pocket. A six inch long barrel with a 40 millimeter bullet and about 8-9 inches in diameter. Inside the barrel were two tiny explosive charges that propelled the bullet faster so the nuclear tip of the bullet could impact and explode.

"See ya in hell Kefka" I mutter in insane excitement as I steady the weapon, having no real restrictions on my muscles at the moment I can lift it with ease. I steady my aim and kefka starts running away, recognizing the threat. I fire the bullet and it goes halfway through the barrel before the explosives inside the barrel go off and propel the bullet at extreme speed.

This, of course, does not go without damage. The combined force of two sticks of TNT easily wrecked the one-time use gun and blew away my arm and a chunk of my shoulder. The bullet hit Kefka in his lower spine, if not for the bullet it would have not killed him. The resulting blast was equal to 14,219,000 pounds of TNT.

We tried to calculate the total radius that this would fuck someone's day up, but we gave up because he's dead. We know that within about a mile, it's fatal. Within about 20 miles, you will see the effects and hear the boom. Basically, fuck everything, this wasn't even necessary.

I think, for the first time, I actually feared for my very life, and thought I might die. I normally run, or go away, or disappear, or do something dirty and underhanded. I no longer had the mental strength to teleport away from here anymore. I legitimately feared for my life. I was fucked.

With the very last of my strength and energy, I tried to force-field myself from this. I tried to make a shield, covering only my skin under my cloths. Conserving as much energy as possibly I tried to shield myself. Unfortunately one of my legs had to be sacrificed, it took to much energy to cover the left leg, and my right arm was already gone.

My left leg was blown away as the rest of myself was spared, I even didn't bother to cover my hair. The blast zone was demolished, nothing but wrecked earth, For a second I could see myself, in my bloody glory. My left leg and right arm were gone and jaggedly so. I had a large whole through my stomach. I was bleeding profusely and I still thought, I really was going to die. From mental shock and blood-loss, I finally passed out, being absorbed into the black abyss.

For a second I saw a bright li--. Nope, the fires of hell. I was being dragged down to my eternal fate for being a horrible, immoral, selfish bastard with no soul. Nope, nevermind. I was awoken by Glen, shaking me violently. "Wake up you fat fucktard" He yelled at me in his best angry voice. I woke up and pulled him off of me, standing up. "Nope, I still don't feel anything. I could have sworn I had two missing limbs, and was dying, what happened?" I ask quizzically, looking at Glenn and tilting my head curiously.

"yea, uh, I think you died." He says flatly. "But...I'm..alive" I say hesitantly, unsure of everything now. "Dude, you can't die" Glenn says calmly, mimicking a phrase I have used time and time again. "But...I died." I say hesitantly again. "But you can't die" Glenn corrects me.

"Hold on, let me just go fuck logic up the ass" I say in a calm, yet slightly frustrated tone before laughing like a madman. "So, where the hell do we go now?" I ask calmly and curiously.

Glenn just shrugs, and starts playing his DS again. It was at that point I realized that I was naked. "Oh, seriously? I'm fucking thin. This is bullshit, where is my fat, and my muscle?" I ask in a now frustrated tone, glaring down at my now thin self.

"Did you honestly think you could come out of that fight with all of your body mass in tact?" Glenn asks me in a calm tone, keeping his eyes on his screen. "Well..guess you have a point...at least I'm alive" I say with a shrug as I look around us at the destroyed landscape. "well shit" I mutter and sigh.

Now I'm shorter, and thinner, and slightly toned, all of the loose ass cloths that I used to wear would not really be as fitting. I snap my fingers and dress myself in the same outfit as Desert Punk. I decided to have the helmet on for now seeing as we are in a nuclear wasteland and I don't feel like wasting magic on an atmospheric shield. Glenn is in his own atmospheric shield because he can.

We start walking through the wasteland and not more than half a mile away I see a little glint in the ground. I walk over to it and pick it up, it's my phone, in perfect condition."well, guess we can leave now" I say calmly and Glenn nods in confirmation.

I throw down a hole cartoon-style and we hop through. We come out the pocket I first hopped in and I snap my fingers and my old jacket disappears. The endless pocket is now on my new outfit, it seems. We shrug and walk back to the game of clue, continuing the game as I take off my helmet, figuring we could go through the phone with Kyle at a later date.

Author's Note

(tis Danny/Ommy)
This took me too long to post, hope you guys come back and read it
I also hope it satisfies all of your guy's need for obscure reference and explosions.
With that, i bid you, a good read.

The plot thickens to a consistency of shit.

I checked my weapons one last time, making sure they were all reloaded and ready to for use. Around me were the broken and mutilated bodies of a dozen ponies. I placed my hand on the door handle and pumped myself up for what I knew was coming. I opened the door to see even more armored ponies. I put on a business-like smile and walked out. “So. Life insurance everyone?” I asked them as I walked past the first of them. For a moment they seemed surprised, but then one of them, a unicorn, blasted me with fire. “Apparently yes!” I yelled as I unloaded with both barrels into the jack-booted thugs that were so desperate to kill me they had tried to get me in a hotel. The .454 rounds I was firing were not small by any stretch, nor were they quiet weapons to use. The cannon sounds they made when coupled with the tight spaces we were in made them sound like giant explosions every time I pulled the trigger. By the time my clips were empty, there were no ponies left in the hallway. There were chunks of flesh that closely resembled them, but nothing was still intact. I turned my head about to see my handiwork, then smiled and nodded, then I frowned. Something was out of place. I just couldn’t place my fangs on it. I pursed my lips as I looked around again. What the hell was wrong? Then I saw it, one of them was breathing. Well, that might be a good thing. It wasn’t like I was just going to find out who sent them by checking the bodies. Unless one of them had a swastika tattoo, but that would mean nazis, and nazis would be retarded. I shook my head and smiled as I walked over to him, he was so fucked. His leg had been severed below the knee, and he was bleeding all over the place. He flailed his remaining three legs in a futile attempt to get away as I got close. I knelt down next to him and looked him in the eyes as I spoke.

“Who put you up to this?” I asked seriously.

“What?” He replied in confusion. Shock did no wonders for comprehension, and it was clear his was pretty bad.

“Who sent you to kill me?” I asked again, speaking more slowly so his shock addled brain could comprehend my speech.

“Buck you.” He snarled. Ooh. Still a stubborn little bastard was he?

“You sure you want to do this the hard way?” I asked warningly.

“I’ll die before I speak to you.” He replied defiantly.

“Err... Okay.” I said as I picked him up, slung his body over my shoulder, and started carrying him back into the room. To his credit, he didn’t say a word as I walked through the door and moved towards the window. I looked out through the glass. Below were ponies happily out and about to experience a taste of the night life. I certainly couldn’t fault them for that, but they were still going to have a bad time in just a few seconds. I undid the latch on the gold edged window pane and looked straight down. It was exactly thirty two stories to the ground.

“What are you doing? My attached night guardspony asked in alarm. He had already seen me murder a bunch of ponies, and I’m sure he was just a little worse for wear. Well, he wasn’t getting better anytime soon, the night was still young.

“What do reckon? About three hundred feet?” I asked conversationally. As I looked at the ground.

“You aren’t going to do what I think you’re going to do are you?” The guard asked suspiciously.

“Why? What were you thinking?” I asked as I nonchalantly threw the bleeding pony out the window.

19 hours earlier.

“So after doing absolutely nothing for all of about three hours, you somehow managed to become mortal enemies of the most evil villain in all of Equestria. Then you and Glenn played clue. Is that about right?” Twilight summed up our story quite nicely, it was a pretty shit story now that I heard it.

“That about nails it, yeah.” Danny said.

“So from what you saw of her, how bad is she?” Twilight asked worriedly.

“Did you miss the part where she is now a cannibalistic bloodsoaked psychopath?” I asked mockingly.

“No.”

“She’s about that bad. I don’t know if you have a scale for that kind of thing, but considering the extent of your adversaries before, I would think she’d be pretty high on the list.” I said simply.

“That’s pretty bad.” Twilight sighed and hung her head. “Okay. We need the three of you to come to Canterlot with us. You seem to be the only other survivors who ran into her. You up for it?” Twilight seemed rather hopeful. It would have been fun to disappoint her.

“Sure. When do we leave?” Glenn monotoned. Unfortunately, Glenn was quick on the draw when it came to going places with Fluttershy. I swear that pony was going to be single-handedly responsible for turning him straight. Who knows? Maybe being around a girl who would take a second glance at him would induce testicle growth and he would turn into a dude.

“Well aren’t you the classy one.” Glenn said flatly.

“We need to be on the train by sunrise. Meet the girls and I at the station.” Twilight then turned and trotted away.“Oh and uh, Kyle?” Twilight said over her shoulder as she hurried off.

“Yeah?”

“Maybe grab some new clothes. It looks like Nightmare killed you twice. If that’s even possible.” Then she turned and left. I looked behind me to see my two ‘friends’ were already disappeared into the land of some other damn place. Alone again. Naturally. I looked down at my outfit. I looked like I was shat on by life. When I was actually only pissed on by life. I was surprised my clothes were still clothes, they were cut, torn, ripped, and every other synonym for fucked that you could think of. They were also soaked in blood. I was wearing red clothes, even though they were white when I put them on earlier today. That was fucking gross. It was most certainly time for another new outfit. Hopefully I could stay out of trouble and keep them intact. Pfft, fat chance.

Rarity had nearly had a heart attack as soon as she saw me. I barely caught her before she hit the ground. I caught her. I promise. Definitely. Absolutely. She did not fall and hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. Anyway, when she woke up, she promptly pulled a travel bag out of somewhere and handed it to me. Apparently, Pinkie had come in and ordered ten new suits for me, and said something about dodging. Guess she just knew everything. Rarity also gave me a shoulder backpack, something about a tacky design from Pinkie. I changed into a ‘new’ outfit and headed back out the door for the train station. Nah just joking, I don’t make promises I can’t keep, and I don’t break ones I can, and I had a promise to keep to a certain sexy vampiress, who was also my wife.

As I walked up the stairs to her apartment, I thought about how I would convince her to let me go again. This would not be fun for the whole family. Here was the door. Already. Here we go. I knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer it. It was actually Vinyl this time. I would have thought she would be sleeping, but then it occurred to me that maybe she had been worried. She was right to be. I was literally the most irresponsible person on this planet. I had managed to get killed what, three times? By the same thing.

Vinyl’s face went from slightly depressed and worried looking to happiest mare alive in less than a second when she saw me, and I decided I would leave out the part about me getting gored by a bitch a few times. Usually not so beneficial to let family know you died a few times yesterday.

“I’m back.” I said simply. Vinyl smiled just a little wider. I smiled too.

Vinyl’s eyes were the size of the moon, she looked up at me with pupils that looked like they lit themselves. Without warning, she tackled me into the hallway, nearly strangling me in a hug. Her forelegs were around me, she was on top. All in all, not so bad.

“I’m so glad you’re back! I’ve been worried sick about you!” she said as she nuzzled my neck. It was a little unfamiliar to be nuzzled by a pony, but at least it was a good feeling. Getting stabbed gets old pretty fast.

“Did you come back to stay?” She asked sexily as rested her head on my chest and looked at my face. Ooh, right. *Suck in breath through teeth* there was some bad news coming her way.

“Yeah. About that...” I began hesitantly.

“What is it now?” Vinyl sighed out.

“I have to go to Canterlot.” I said quickly.

“Again?” She said slightly angrily.

“The Princesses need me for some sort of important job. I wouldn’t be going if it wasn’t.” Well, it wasn’t important to me per-se. Besides getting revenge, I wasn’t particularly fond of the idea. The fact that I was missing this was even more of a turnoff, but if I did nothing, then everypony here was quite possibly completely fucked, so for their sakes, and the sake of my own soul, I had to do this. Then again, who said you can’t have your cake and eat it too?

“Literally everyone dude. Also, nice job with the lady, you really are a caring guy when you’re not being a sadistic murderer.” Danny said into my brain.

‘Fuck that shit. Also, I need a big duffel bag.’ I said in my brain.

“How big exactly?” Danny asked.

‘It needs to be able to hold a pony. Oh. I also need sunglasses, a new gun, and another duffel bag. Also two more swords.’ I said as I finished my shopping list.

“You already have swords, guns, and sunglasses.” Danny said as if I was unaware.

‘The swords are too small and dinky, the gun isn’t for me, and I need real sunglasses if I’m going to go out into the shit again.’ I said simply.

“What kind of gun, swords and sunglasses are we talking about here?” Danny said conversationally.

‘I’m going to need two katanas, a .950 JDJ, fifty rounds of ammo, and a pair of plexiglass shooting glasses. And I also need a blanket, preferably polar fleece.’ It was like ordering from a catalogue, only you just had to wait like two seconds for shipping.

“Here you go dude. That is one hell of a gun by the way. It was ridiculous to pull that out of my pocket, just kept going and going. Anyway, why the fuck do you need all this stuff?” Daniel was already next to me. Fuck you Sears, I’d like to see you get shit here in three seconds or less.

“Vinyl is going with us, and she needs a gun, plus I hate the sunglasses I have now. UV rating of like four, and no armor protection? Yeah no.” I said simply.

“Why do you need the blanket and the other duffle bag then?” He asked as he turned his head and put his weirded out face on.

“I could also use some chloroform and a rag by the way.” I said normally. Like I hadn’t just asked for kidnapping and murder tools. *Looks accusatively at Casey Anthony.*

“We get it dude, that was fucking ridiculous, get over it. Anyway, here you go.” He said as he took a nondescript bottle and a clean rag out of his pocket. I opened the bottle and smelled it. It was definitely a chemical, but it didn’t affect me at all. Just as I had banked on.

“This isn’t chloroform dude. Here smell it, it’s just fucking vinegar.” I said as I handed the bottle back to him.

“What? How could my pocket get it wrong? *Sniff* This doesn’t smell like...Oooh you tricky dick.” Danny said as he passed out.

“Why did you do that exactly?” Vinyl asked quizzically. Though she didn’t seem to particularly mind that I had just drugged my own friend.

“Well it was either put you in the bag, or put him in the bag. I chose him. You should be thankful.” I said matter-of-factly.

“Aww. How sweet. I think. Anyway, how are we getting him there? Plus all those weapons you ordered? They check luggage now. You know that right?” Vinyl looked at me with uncertainty. If she only knew how my plans usually went down.

“Don’t worry about it. Just go pack.” I handed her the duffel bag with the weapons and my sexy sunglasses in them. I took the sunglasses and put them on. Like a boss.
“Vinyl came out a moment later with her classic goggles on. Nice.

“Okay I’m ready. So what do we do with this guy?” Vinyl said as she poked Danny’s prone form.

“I got it, don’t worry.” I said confidently. I grabbed him under the armpits and dragged him over to the plus-sized duffel. I set Danny down and lined the bag with the blanket, then picked Danny back up and put him in the bag. It took a moment to find the right position, but eventually I managed to stuff him in.

“You really know how to pack. You know that?” Vinyl said as I stood back and admired my handiwork: an overstuffed bag full of dude. I looked over at her, smiled, and nodded.

“He’s going to be one heck of a carry-on.” Vinyl spoke again. I let out a chuckle and picked up both of the duffel bags. Vinyl went back in to let Octavia know that Vinyl and I were going ‘out’ and that we may be a while. Waka waka. Then we left, three hundred kilograms of weapon, clothing, Danny, and God knows what else, in hand.

It turned out that the train station was actually a few miles away. I didn’t care, but it was hard to carry six hundred and fifty pounds of crap for about an hour over what could only loosely be described as road. When we finally made it to the train station, the sun was just peeking out above the horizon. Everyone else was already there waiting for us when we got there. Way to make us seem late ladies, and whatever Glenn was.

“Where’s Danny? And why did you bring Vinyl with you?” Twilight asked as we drew within easy talking range.

“He said something about teleporting there. Didn’t press the subject.” I said simply. I was getting too good at lying. Guess it was one of the ‘perks’ of vampirism.

“Er... Okay I guess. I’m guessing you want Vinyl to take his place?” She said perceptively.

“Since you’re offering...” I replied.

“Here. Just show this to the pony when we get on the train. And why do you have so much luggage?” Twilight spoke like I had never been on a train before. Bitch I was a train connoisseur when I was five.

“I know how trains work, and the luggage is equipment. If I am going into the shit again, I am going to be prepared.” I was not getting shown up by that fucking whore again. If Danny or I couldn’t waste her, hopefully Vinyl could put a .95 caliber in her face to shut that bitch up.

“Is this the kind of equipment that goes boom? Because they search your luggage before you go on. Just so you know.” Twilight said informatively.

“I got it. Let’s just go.” I said impatiently.

“Okay.” Twilight said hesitantly as she opened the door of the station to reveal multiple kiosks and lines of ponies waiting for trains. Apparently this was like taking a plane, only they hopefully wouldn’t be frisking anybody here. If they were, we might have a problem.

We waited in line for about an hour, during which time I was uncomfortably close to way too many ponies. Apparently my wife was also famous. So she was constantly swarmed by nerdy looking teenage ponies wanting autographs and asking about her new pet. Vinyl signed the autographs and managed to convince anypony who asked that I was her security guard. I kind of liked ‘pet’ better, it sounded more appropriate.

After sitting in fucking lines and listening to annoying ponies nagging my wife and the other girls about their notable exploits, we finally made it to security. Time for bullshitting. The security pony held up his hoof, and waved us all through. What a pity, I was hoping for something cool. Too bad.

“I guess Celestia told security about us.” Twilight said as we boarded the train without incident and prepared to go on our way. What happened to ‘they check luggage before you board’ and all that shit? Wait. Were we riding coach? She had money for gold inlaid palaces but couldn’t get us on first class? That cheap little fuck.

The four hour train ride to Canterlot was the biggest hell of my life. Why the hell did it seem faster when Danny and I just walked? Probably because it WAS. Vinyl had taken the corner seat, and I had ended up sitting next to Rainbow Dash the whole way. It was bad enough that she snored when she slept; and not one of those cute little snores either, we’re talking man with sleep apnia bad, but she fidgeted while she was awake. She was like that annoying fucking freshman you sat next to on the bus in highschool, the one that didn’t know the meaning of ‘too much AXE Excite body spray.’ In the end, I killed her. Not really. I did consider it, briefly, but still.

It was about ten o’clock when we finally arrived in Canterlot station. We passed through customs without incident, and made our way to the absolutely gratuitous and egomaniacal palace. A tower of lies if ever there was one. Mostly because I hated the fact that the princesses were, well, pussies. Well, at least we were there, now we could see what business they had for us, even though I could already guess the gist of it. Go learn some lesson in friendship and defeat a villain. You know, the usual kids’ show bullshit.

The door to the throne room towered over me like it was daring me to try. It was screaming ‘come at me bro’ like it was the shit. Fucking gilded doorknobs, golden gilt framework, silver hinges, stained mahogany, it was worth more than my damn house, and it was going the fuck down. I pushed the doors open to be greeted by crossed spears. Lots of fucking crossed spears. It was a show of power; a pointless show of power since I already knew how weak she really was, but a show of power nonetheless.

“Guards? Leave us.” Celestia said authoritatively. It was like Emperor Palpatine and shit, what with the whole “I don’t need no fuckng guards ‘cause I’m a strong, independant woman and shit.” Whatever the case, the guards dutifully left us alone. I stepped closer and set down the bags I was carrying. The girls and Glenn followed closely behind.

“Where is Daniel? I requested his presence as well. And who is this other mare?” It looked like Celestia was anxious to see him. How cute. Well, time to let the fuck out of the bag.

“He isn’t here? I thought he was just going to teleport here before us.” Twilight was a little too freaked out for what the situation warranted. It was Danny. Even if I didn’t know where he was, I still wouldn’t be scared. Danny was like Fidel Castro. He was never going to die. Even after everyone wished he would just croak.

“Well Twilight, I will admit, I have not been entirely honest with you.” I said as I bent over and unzipped one of the bags.

“What do you mean by that Kyle?” Twilight said through gritted teeth. She was a little pissed, and she was actually somepony that could, you know, do things. I was now realizing that this was a really dumb idea. Oh well, it was worth it.

“Well. I may have gotten a touch of whimsy and decided that I would play a prank on Danny.” I said hesitantly.

“This isn’t one of those kinds of pranks that involve locking people in basements filled with hungry alligators is it? ‘Cause those pranks are just plain mean.” Pinkie said matter-of-factly.

“Nope.” I said as I lifted Danny out of the bag and set him on the floor. The mane six and Celestia stared at me in horrified astonishment. Vinyl suppressed a chuckle. Glenn just shook his head and rolled his eyes. Danny was still out. That was what surprised me. I looked him over a bit, then gave him a kick in the ribs.

“Ow! You little fucker! You got me so good! I salute you sir, for outsmarting me momentarily.” Daniel said as he stood up and addressed me.

“Did you carry him as luggage the entire four hour trip?” Glenn asked flatly.

“Yeah he did. Little motherfucker got me with chloroform. Tricky bastard.” Danny said as he glared angrily in my direction.

“That was a pretty stupid plan.” Vinyl said thoughtfully as she looked up at me.

“Well, I’m sorry. I just thought you may want to go with me. By all means, stay home next time.” I offered sarcastically.

“Oh come on. You and I both know you did it so you could drug Danny and throw him in a sack.” Vinyl stated obviously.

“Maybe I just wanted to spend time with my wife. Did you think about that? Maybe I actually have a heart and care about things besides being a crazy dude. You know?” I ranted angrily.

“Aauuggh. We don’t have time for this.” Twilight groaned in annoyance.

“Seriously. Why were we here anyway?” Danny asked as he looked towards the princess. We all stopped and held a moment of silence as we remembered we were here for an actual reason.

The princess rose methodically from her throne and at last graced us with her countenance. How uptight. Celestia’s gaze swept across our little band for a good minute, her piercing eyes chilled me to the bone. I could almost forget she was completely useless in a fight as her laser eye vision went through me and gazed into my soul. Celestia’s eyes went wide as she looked closer at me. Princesses couldn’t see vampirism could they? Oh boy, this could get interesting. Or it could go very, very bad.

“Kyle.” Celestia said calmly. Here we go...

“Would you and Vinyl mind staying afterwards please?” Pffft. The fuck is this? I must have missed the part when she was my mother.

“Sure. Fine.” I said in minor annoyance. The last thing I needed right now was some weird ass shit starting because of some paranoid bitch.

“Still waiting on that answer. Just so ya know.” Danny said simply as he rose up and down on the balls of his feet.

“Right. Of course.” Celestia said as she broke from some thought induced stupor. She then continued. “As you are all aware, Nightmare Moon has returned.” She stated powerfully, as if I was supposed to gasp and be surprised. I did not, and I was not, neither was anyone else. Celestia had paused to let the words sink in, but finding we were already soaked, she continued speaking. “Her very existence is a clear and present danger to life as we know it, she must be stopped by any means necessary. To that end, I have summoned all of you here. What I ask is no easy task, but Nightmare must be destroyed at any cost. It will not be easy, Nightmare has amassed a cult of loyal followers, and they will protect her with their lives, and more.” She surveyed us for a moment, then prepared to speak again, before being inturrupted by me.

“Wait wait. Hold up. She has a cult? Like a ‘cult’ cult? The kind of cult filled with godless heathens and human sacrifice? I am so up for that. Urban espionage, interrogations, torture, assassination, home invasion, and just plain old killing. This is gonna be good, and I can have some bonding time with my wife! It’s like, the greatest win-win situation ever!” I was giddy as a guy with his first girl, and she was so hot.

“I’m not so sure that serial murder counts as bonding.” Vinyl said hesitantly.

“It matters not. What matters is that you do what is necessary and find Nightmare and her lieutenants.” Celestia said grimly.

“About that. Will we be getting any help?” Danny said quizzically.

“Yes. You have carte blanche for everything you need.” Celestia replied.

“Great. Awesome.” Danny said hesitantly.

“It means a blank check Danny.” I said simply.

“I knew that.” Danny said quickly.

“So did I. Yeah.You know. Cart bleaching and stuff.” Rainbow Dash said immediately after Danny.

“Split into teams, I need a group in Fillydelphia, a group in Marewaulkee, and a group here. Sort yourselves out.” Celestia said forcefully.

“Vinyl and I can take Canterlot.” I said to the rest. No one disagreed, so I figured we were sticking around here again. Sweet.

“When you have chosen your groups, see the guards waiting in the hallway, they will go with you to your respective destinations, and help you in case of any trouble.” Celestia said informatively.

It took awhile, but eventually everyone else was sorted, it appeared to me that it would be Danny, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie, and Applejack going to Fillydelphia, and the remainder going to Marewaulkee. That was going to be fun to hear about later.

“We’re ready princess.” Twilight said confidently.

“You are all dismissed. Good luck to you.” Celestia said authoritatively. The little living people and ponies all piled out, leaving Vinyl and I alone before one of the sovereign goddess-princess of a country full of ponies. I was not intimidated.

“You have set me a merry conundrum with your condition. I can’t just have little vampires scurrying about and eating my subjects. Vinyl was known to be a vampire, I was not aware she had created you. In fact, I was unaware your kind could be infected. Whatever the case, I can not simply let you go.” What bullshit was I hearing? My wife had a vampire license?

“Of course, I can’t just get rid of you either. So. What do you want me to do about this?” Oh here we fucking go. Parent intimidation rule number one: give them a choice. No way I was buying this shit. Grade is king in many things, and this was grade A+ bullshit.

“How about this.” I began evenly. “You owe me one for bailing you out of jail, and saving your ass. So what you should do, is leave my wife alone, and quit heckling me with this when I’m trying to help you.” I said frustratedly. I hid my anger for now, there would be plenty of not so innocent things to take rage out on later. If only I had known....

“I would remind you that you are speaking with royalty boy, and you will watch your tone when you speak to me. I would also remind you, that if you do not respect my station, the hangpony’s noose is always waiting for those who do not curb their insolence.” Celestia had by this time risen to her full stature, she was actually taller than me, which made sense since she was a horse, but still. It was actually rather impressive, but I had my own little rebuttal ready.

“I would like to remind you as well, my lady.” I said with as much venom as I could muster while being cordial. “That I have done more for your family than you have done for mine. I would prefer you extended me at least a modicum of confidence.” I finished more calmly as my patience returned.

“Very well, I am promoting you to the rank of lieutenant in the guard, and I appoint you your choice of one of my best ponies. To serve as your...”

“Babysitter?” I finished resentfully.

“Excuse me?” Celestia said quizzically, as if I didn’t know.

“I see your game. You want to promote me to a mediocre rank in your army, give me some cushy package deal with the white collars and underlings, all of it a facade that leaves me more a slave to you than I was before. By making me a guardsman; and more, an officer, you make me beholden to you directly, and by ‘your best guards’ you mean one that is loyal to you, and therefore one who will report everything I do to you directly. Everyone in my world always says ‘never look a gift pony in the mouth,’ but I see that yours appears to be lacking teeth.” I spoke with my chin against my chest, my eyes glaring angrily into hers as I pointed out her deception. Celestia stared in open mouthed shock.

“Nevertheless, I accept.” I said simply. If Celestia was shocked before, I don’t know if they have a word for what she was now.

“On one condition.” I said as I held up my hand index finger extended. “I want one of the night guards, and I would like to choose now.” I said cordially.

Celestia snapped out of her shock and thought carefully for a moment. “Very well. The guardspony barracks are out the door and to the left. I think you’ll be able to tell which one is the nightguard’s barracks. Dismissed.” With that, she waved a hoof and motioned for us to leave. I turned around and walked towards the exit, picking up the bag full of gear as I left.

I walked through the huge doors to find the hall empty, and I never even said goodbye. I wish I could say I was sad, but I wasn’t, so I won’t. I shrugged, and began walking down the hallway in the indicated direction. I had gone not two steps, when I was waylaid by a day guard in golden armor. So the usual meat basically.

“Sir. I assume you and the miss are the ones to be assigned to Canterlot?” He said methodically in a voice that could only be described as Imperial City guardsmanesque.

“She’s a missus, and yes, you assume correctly.” I said impatiently.

“I was to give you this letter as soon as you were out sir.” The guard said as he held out a sealed scroll.

“Thanks.” I said as I took the scroll from his hands. Two alicorns chasing each other in a circle, must be like that mail you get that says ‘open as soon as possible’ the letters you get excited over thinking they may be saying that your loaded in-laws just died and left you a shitload of money, only to find out that you instead owed Uncle Sam, or the Jolly Roger, or maybe the old Maple Leaf, or what have you, a bunch of money in back taxes.

I shrugged and opened it anyway, breaking the seal with one of my quickly growing talons... What the fuck? Nevermind, letter to read, worry about crazy shit later. The letter read as follows: At approximately 02:00 hours, unidentified ponies staged a raid on the house of a local businesspony, who was found dead at the scene. He and his family had been sacrificed in a macabre ritual that did not match with any known ritual sacrifice. However, when observed from the balcony overlooking the foyer where the act took place, it was found that the organs of the ponies formed a portion of the night sky on a certain night. The night of the red moon, which occurs once every 127 moons, when the midnight star and Ultima Equinum align in such a way that they perfectly reflect off the moon. The red dwarf stars create the illusion of a red orb in the sky, hence the name. The next Red Moon will occur four cycles from today (4/13/02) We now have good reason to believe they will strike on that night. Your mission should you choose to accept it, is to investigate Canterlot for cells of this cult activity, and stop it by any means necessary. A room has been provided for you at the Prim and Proper hotel. Ask for a Shining Scale at the front desk, they will provide you with your lodgings, and a sum of 10,000 bits, which should cover any additional expenses you may incur. Good luck Agent.

Note: This message will self immolate after exactly 45 seconds.

“Oh shit!” I yelled as I read the note at the bottom, and promptly through it away and jumped back. About three seconds later, the message was consumed by green fire. Turning it to ash in less than a second.

“What did it say?” Vinyl asked curiously.

“We’re staying at a hotel, and our job is to find some ponies. It actually sounds kind of fun.” I said excitedly. I was going to stay in a hotel with my wife, track down ponies and interrogate them, and drink champagne. This would be the best trip ever, but before I could do that, I had to go choose some spare blood and meat. Hopefully he was a little competent. Would be nice to not have an uptight little clonepony.

The guards stood at painfully straight attention, except for the Captains at the end, who outranked me. So fuck them. I would be lying if I said I didn’t see potential here. They seemed to have personalities (ponyalities?) of their own. Every once in awhile, I would hear a frustrated mumbling or a roll of the eyes as I walked up and down their ranks. I suddenly pointed my finger at one of them and said louldy: “You! What’s your name?”

“Hammershot sir.” He replied shakily.
“Get the fuck out. Now.” I said simply. I was not going to abide stealing names from Luna’s Story. The fact that he... hang on *Spoilers* Died did not help. So it was on to the next one.

“Who are you?” I asked as I looked at the giant of an earth pony in front of me. Maybe this guy would be a good companion.

“I am called Panzer Hoof.” He said in a roide up sounding voice.

“Bullshit! From now on your name is Gomer Pyle! Are you gay private Pyle?”

“Sir no sir.”

“Bullshit! I bet you could suck a hoofball through a straw!”

“SIr no sir!”

“Bullshit! I bet you would fuck Hammershot up the ass and not have the common fucking courtesy to return the favour!”

“Sir I am straight sir!”

“Bullshit! I bet your ass looks like a damn leaky jizz faucet! I bet you could take a dragon dick up your ass and not give him enough traction to finish! I bet Penmaker could jump down your asshole and play a game of frisbee with me!”

“What is a frisbee sir?”

“Don’t change the subject ass whore! We’re talking about your...Hehe... Your... bwahahahHAHAHA! Ahehehehehee *sigh* I’m sorry, I just can’t do it anymore. It’s just... To damn funny. Anyway, get the fuck out.”

“What’s your name son?” I asked as I knelt down in front of a Silver coated earth pony with a grey mane.

“I’m Silver Boulder sir. I’m uh... The new blood.” He said hesitantly.

“Perfect. You’re coming with me. Pack your bags. Oh, and uh, bring some dress clothes, and don’t forget your toothbrush.” I said mock-caringly.

“You son of a bitch.” I heard him mutter as the rest of the guards shared a laugh. I decided not to pull rank and have his ass. Figured it would be fun to see how the new guy worked under pressure. He was in for one hell of a hazing.

I walked up the stairs and out the doorway, leaning against the wall outside next to my wife as I waited for mr. new guy to pack his shit. He appeared a moment later in his full dress carrying a full duffel bag. Or was it a saddle bag? Saddle duffel bag? Whatever. A big bag was on his back.

“Are we going yet?” Vinyl asked impatiently.

“Yep. Just as soon as newbie here gets it moving.” I said as I looked down at the grey-haired goof standing next to me.

“I’m following you.” He said irritably.

“Alrighty then. Let’s get on with it. Onwards to Prim!” I said dramatically.

“Here you are sir, a regular two bedroom.” The lady clerk at the check in said cheerfully. Something was off about what she said. Something... Oh right!

“That’s a nice joke you have there, but I want the penthouse.” I murmured methodically.

“I’m sorry sir, but prince Blueblood has that room reserved.” The female teller replied in the same annoyingly positive tone.

I stretched my arm until my hand was only a few inches from her face and Whispered confidently: “You want to give me the penthouse.”

“I want to give you the penthouse?” She asked slowly.

“You want to give me the penthouse.” I whispered again.

“I want to give you the penthouse.” The teller stated emptily.

“And you want to kick out Blueblood because he is an asshole.” I continued.

“I want to kick out Blueblood because he is an asshole.” She droned.

“You here that? She even believes it. Watch. *Ahem* Iron Sky was amazing.” I chuckled as I used my weird jedi mind trick thing. It was pretty damn funny. You know, cause Iron Sky was a shitty movie.

“Iron Sky was amazing.” She was like a mix tape, she copied shit someone else made. Ah, the times when people had to make illegal copies instead of using torrents. Anyway, time to check out the room.

I felt like a real life high roller as I stepped into the room. It was pretty much the best hotel room I had ever seen in my life. the main room was replete with a huge assortment of furniture; and also goddamned windows that would have to be shut because I was tired of having to wear sunglasses, but mostly it was the furniture that I cared about. It seemed like whoever had done the interior decorating for this room had had a near unlimited budget, the end tables were mahogany with gilded edging, the couch was red silk stuffed with goose down, there were chairs made of teak everywhere, and they weren’t even the centerpiece of the room, that title belonged to the huge bar in the near right corner to the doorway, but even that wasn’t all, there was also a giant subwoofer in the opposite corner of the room, a record player was hooked up to it, and there was a box of records next to it. The entire room somehow screamed party, and I couldn’t help but wonder if Blueblood was quite as green around the gills as he seemed to let on.

“Aww yeah! This is what I’m talkin’ about!” Vinyl shouted as she broke into a gallop and belly dived onto the scarlet couch.

“So, what? Did I get pulled here so I could have a wild party with a married couple?” Silver said skeptically as he looked around the room.

“Pffft. No! You’re here so Celestia can grade my performance after all this is over.” I said disdainfully.

“So we aren’t partying here then?” Vinyl seemed to deflate as she said the words. I was a little surprised at her, it was like she didn’t know me at all.

“Vinyl. We are in a high roller suite in the largest city in Equestria. Do you really think I don’t plan on parties? I am offended that you would even consider the idea of a lack of a party.” My tone was one of mock slight as I intoned the words.

“Sweet! This is gonna be the best! We should hit up some clubs first though, I still know some people around here from when I was a DJ in the Clop-Step. Place was amazing. I’ve never gotten crowds that lively since.” Vinyl was getting as crazy as Pinkie about this, she was obviously a mare of the night life. Unsurprising since daytime was kind of shitty.

“I feel like we’re forgetting something important here.” Silver stated blandly.

“What might that be?” I asked condescendingly.
“Weren’t we supposed to be doing something? A task or a mission perhaps?” Silver asked in annoyance.

“Oh right! We should talk about that with the people at the clubs. They would probably know something.” I said cheerfully. I was faking it of course, like I was really going to do that. I was a last minute kind of guy, so I wasn’t getting much done tonight.

“Right. Sure. Well, shouldn’t we be getting started?” Silver asked hopefully as he put his bag down and began rummaging through it.

“No. We’re going to sleep until nightfall, then we go out. It’s kind of a given when you go to a nightclub.” I said informatively.

“Fine.” Silver rolled his eyes and sighed angrily, muttering something under his breath. I chose to ignore him for now. It was time for sleep. I opened the door to what I assumed was the bedroom to reveal a huge room dominated by something that I could only really describe as an emperor sized bed. The entire extended family of a mexican could have slept comfortably in this bed. If Vinyl and I had a romp in here it would be like rolling through a field of heather. Where did that come from? I was losing it, time for a drink.

“Whoah! Is that a bed or did someone build a house in here?” Vinyl said in awestruck wonder as she looked at the enormous bed. “You thinking what I’m thinking?” Vinyl asked as she looked up at me with a dirty look. A good kind of dirty look.

Yes. No.

Sex. No violence, no story, no character development. This is bestial sex. Period.

There used to be a warning here. Fuck that.

Vinyl flushed just a little as she saw me stripping out of coat and shoes. Next came the damned collared shirt and tie, then the undershirt. Soon I was in just my pants. I liked the pants, the pants were comfy, I could at least sleep in them. I walked over the huge nightstand, and looked at myself in the gigantic gold framed mirror, nothing. Right, vampire, I don't show up in a mirror. I shrugged and looked into the basin of water on the stand. Nothing there either. I dipped my hands into the water and washed my face off. It felt good to have water on my face, even if I didn't really need it to not live anymore.

As I grabbed a conveniently placed towel to dry my face, I noticed something different about my forearm, it was damned muscled. I looked down and saw that my body was in better shape than it had ever been before. I had a fucking six pack, my arms were ripped, all in all, I felt way better about myself. It was pretty cool and all, but I had a long night coming, and I was not fun to deal with when I was tired.

I walked back over the bed and lay down in it next to Vinyl. I rested my head on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling. I didn't feel even remotely drowsy, so I tried turning to the right. I closed my eyes and relaxed. Still nothing. I opened my eyes and sighed, turning to the other side, I found myself face to muzzle with Vinyl, who was giving me the dirtiest, most mischievous look I had ever gotten from any female.

"What?" I smiled and asked.

Vinyl's smile got a little wider, and her half lidded eyes screamed 'go for it' as she regarded me. Her voice was barely above a whisper, and sounding all the sexier because of it. "Can't sleep?" She asked.

"Nah. Not tired." I sighed.

"I bet I can fix that." Vinyl whispered into my ear. "But first, you might want to lock the door." She said quietly with her mouth almost in my ear.

That damn door was locked so quickly, the blankets had barely fallen in before I was back in them.

"Well, you're a fast one aren't you?" Vinyl giggled .

"When I want to be." I whispered simply.

"How fast do you want this to go?" Vinyl asked as she planted a kiss on my lips. Dammit! I was gonna do that first. Oh well, make the most with what you get. Vinyl began to pull away, but I reached a hand around and pulled her back to me. I pushed her as close to me as I could, passionately loving her tongue with mine. She let out a cute little muffled squeal of surprise, but soon surrendered to me with a groan of pleasure. Being that we were not constrained by such things as oxygen deprivation, we held it for a good five minutes before breaking contact. A thin rope of saliva trailed out as we parted lips, connecting to both our tongues.

"Mmmh. Yeah. You really know your stuff." Vinyl moaned sensually as she nuzzled my neck. My only response was to run my hand through her mane, feeling her soft hair, taking in her scent. It smelled like mint and record studio. The studio smell should have been obvious, but mint was unexpected, and absolutely sexy. "I want you." She said suddenly, accentuating her point by stroking my loins with a forehoof.

I moved to respond in kind, it was only fitting after all. I reached my hand down to feel in between her thighs, I knew when I had found what I was feeling for because she was leaking like a faucet, a sexy, sweet faucet. I stroked her little slit as she rested her head in the crook of my neck. Every once in a while, I would slide a finger in just far enough to illicit a little moan from her. After a few minutes of this, Vinyl pushed my hand away and stood up on the bed. She pulled the sheet away from me, revealing my bare chest and pants clad body. She smiled and tried to grab my pants with her forehooves, she tugged at them, but they didn't come off.

"Really? What kind of clothes are these?" She muttered angrily.

I did a little chuckle, and undid the button, allowing her to slip my pants off, revealing my underwear. "You gotta be kidding me. It wasn't this hard the first time." Vinyl sighed as she slipped off my undergarments, revealing my half erect member, previously stimulated by her gentle ministrations. Without word or hesitation, she took it in her forehooves and began running her tongue along its rapidly growing length. The feeling of her wet tongue on me was enough to get me more than ready. When my rod was sufficiently teased, without pausing, she took over half of it into her mouth. I was not expecting such sudden stimulation, and I nearly lost it inside her right then, I managed to drag myself back just in time. I lay there for a few moments, watching her at work, head bobbing up ad down, her hair obscuring just enough of her face to make it even more sexy.

Eventually, I could feel myself nearing release, but I held it back and softly pushed Vinyl off of me. She understood what I wanted, and presented her hindquarters to me, swaying her backside slowly back and forth. I brushed her tail away, revealing her leaking entrance. She had clearly been looking forward to this for a while, but I wasn't ready to give in just yet. I leaned my head in closer to her warm, dripping sex, inhaling the scent of her little lady slit. It smelled of ozone and sugar, definitely not the combination I was expecting, but it didn't matter, I was going to eat her out anyway.

"C'mon baby. What are you waiting for? New Year's?" If she only knew. Did they have a song for surprise oral? Whatever.

I suddenly pressed my face into her marehood and ran my tongue through her dripping wet vagina. She tasted like vanilla jellybeans, so basically like sweet candy times five. Vinyl was hilariously unprepared for an oral assault, and she quickly admitted defeat in the form of letting out a surprised yelp followed by a loud moaning. She was trembling like a leaf now, her rear legs gave out, and she collapsed onto the bed, groaning and writhing in shameless ecstasy. I continued my merciless assault on her quivering slit, loving every little moan and shiver my loving was causing her. After a few more moments, I felt her tighten up, and removed my face from her less than a second before she sprayed lady juices all over the bed. soaking the sheets with liberal amounts of femcum.

"You are awesome!" Vinyl exclaimed in the throes of her orgasm.

"I try." I said simply, then smiled.

"Now it's my turn, and this time, I won't take no for an answer." She said determinedly, clearly adamant about fucking me.

Vinyl tackled me and pinned me underneath her, pressing her mouth to mine and giving me another passionate kiss. The taste of her lips, mixed with the taste of her mouth, was even better than just one of them. She continued to hold the kiss as she slowly lowered herself onto my shaft. Our moans were lost in each other's mouths as we held our lips together, but it was an amazing feeling to be inside her. Her walls clamped down on me like vice. Vinyl went all the way down, then back up, then down again. You get the picture. After another minute of this, she took her lips off of mine and focused on moving. Before long I was moving with her, our movements matching like a perfect dance, my hands were on her front flanks, her hooves on my chest, her eyes locked with mine. She rode me for a few minutes, her pace slowly increasing as time went on, along with the frequency of her ecstatic moans. Eventually, her movements seemed to reach a fevered pitch, I was at my limit, I wasn't going to hold it back much longer, luckily, she came first, her pussy walls clamped down on my rod and pushed me over the edge. She hilted me as we both reached our climaxes in near perfect unison.

Vinyl collapsed into my arms and lay there for a few minutes. Neither of us spoke, we didn't need to. We lay together and shared our silent love. I looked up at the ceiling as stroked Vinyl's mane while she rested her head against my shoulder. There was a smile that some would consider goofy etched into my face. Of course, anything but the stoic look made me look goofy. After some time, Vinyl lifted herself off of me, leaking small amounts of male and female jizz out of her well loved sex slit. She lay her head down next to mine, a huge smile glued on her muzzle, her huge eyes boring into me. She whispered softly to me: "Are you tired now?"

"Are you?" I replied softly.

"Not really. I have trouble sleeping sometimes." Vinyl sighed.

"I think we can fix that. After all, we do have all day." I smiled as I spoke softly into her ear.

"I think you're getting the hang of this dirty talk thing." Vinyl giggled.

"See? I told you I try."

"Wanna go again?"

"You bet your sweet vampiric horseflank I do."

There used to be a monologue of me bitching like a sissy here, but you know what? fuck that.

This ain't a scene it's a goddamned arms race.

I woke up to almost complete darkness. Which meant it was perfect for clubbing. I rolled over and tapped Vinyl on the shoulder, trying to wake her up so we could get to doing shit like partying, and finding out stuff. This was going to be fun times for everyone. I got out of bed and went to putting my clothes back on, I soon had all my outfit back on, and I went to wake the soldier guy. I stepped out of the bedroom and into the living room, intending to wake Silver so we could get to rave-I mean working. I was interrupted by a knock on the door. Who the fuck knocks on a door at 10:00 at night? I rolled my eyes and went to answer the door, as soon as I opened the door, I was greeted with about six swords in the chest. Well that was one hell of an entrance. I fell back through the doorway and right onto my ass, then I fell flat on the ground ended up staring at the ceiling.

"One down. Search the rest of the place." One of my assaulters said as he and his team let themselves in.

"Wipe your goddamned feet on the mat you retards." I monotoned as I slowly got up.

"What? How?" The leader yelled as I stood up.

"Fuck you that's how, and you have about three seconds to pray to whatever you should happen to worship and beg for forgiveness or pity, because I am going to kill you, and I am going to make it hurt.

"Get him!" Their leader yelled as he threw a knife at me with his unicorn magic. The weapon was thrown with amazing accuracy, but it really doesn't matter how accurate something is when you move faster than said object does. So basically I just caught it. Of course, there was also the matter of all the other knives and spells hurtling towards me from the other ponies, Operation artful dodging was a go, I just had to remember the five D's of dodgeball. Using those rules, I managed to get out of the way of all them save one, which I caught.

"So, I have a little joke for you. So a bunch of stupid armed ponies break into the lair of a vampire who is armed with swords and guns and try to kill him, but get this, that's not the punchline, the punchline is that I'm hungry right now." I said with false humor.

"Wha- what?" The leader pony's eyes went wide and his voice rang with beautiful fear as he realized the depth of the hole he was in. I couldn't help but smile, revealing my pointed canines. I must have looked pretty bad right then, what with the blades sticking out of my body and the insane smile on my face. One of the ponies began slowly backing away, whimpering something about 'too young to die' bullshit! You were never too young to die. As this little floater was about to find out.

All the ponies started trying to back out, terrified by my presence. Vinyl had made her way out by this point, and gasped when she saw the weapons lodged in my torso. I sighed, it was a shame she would have to see this, but some things just can't be avoided. There were eight ponies in the room right now, none of them were going to live.

TROLOLOLOLOOOLLL
STORY INTERRUPTION
Go ahead Kyle, take this out, bet you five bucks you will
TROLOLOLOLOOOLL

Oh yeah Danny? Well you owe me five bucks you stupid turd! Go masturbate to gay pony porn you damn fatass bridge troll. Also, You might want to stop making bets, otherwise you'll end up selling yourself into sex slavery to pay me my money. So, in short,

TROLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

LALALALALAAAAAA

TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

UUUUUUUUUHHAAAAAAA

"So. Who here is a donor? I want to make sure there's enough left for the doctors to get something useful from you." I said as I smiled and bared my teeth.

"Hey Kyle what was that noi- Holy buckmothering crap! What happened to you?" Vinyl had been walking into the room, and managed to come in at the moment when I was standing up while impaled by swords and bleeding all over the place.

"Honey, don't panic, I got this." I said calmly.

"Naw you don't, cause I GOT THIS!" Vinyl said in an eerily jovial tone as she pulled out the .950 that Danny had given me earlier. I had intended to teach her how to use it, but apparently she figured it out. Wait a second, that was 2400 grains of powder, that wasn't something you wanted to be in front of. Especially in an enclosed space.

"SEE YA!" Vinyl shouted as she magically lifted the huge weapon and pulled the trigger.

BOOOOM The shot was like an explosion in a bunker, the shockwave from the shot reverberated across the room. My eardrums exploded like melons hit with bullets, and so did one of the ponies' torsos. Vinyl was thrown back by the intense recoil generated by the oversized beast, but at least she hit something.

I was on the ground. How was I on the ground? I didn't remember falling, but maybe I just passed out for a second. I shook my head and tried to get up, but a little known fact is that eardrums help with balance, so burst eardrums equals no balance. Simple math. Anyway, I fell straight back down on my back, where I lay for another minute or so while my ears fixed themselves. When I could hear again, I realized I was getting yelled at by someone, I shook my head and looked over to where the voice was coming from.

"Hey. Hey! Get your ass up! What the buck is going on in here?" Silver? Silver was the one yelling at me? That cheeky little sod.

"Fuck off I'm up." I said in annoyance as I shakily got to my feet.

"Kyle! Did you see that! That was bucking AWESOME! Let's do it again!" Vinyl shouted as she staggered over to me.

"Are you okay Vinyl?" I asked worriedly.

"WHAT?!" Vinyl shouted even more loudly than before.

"Are you okay?!" I said more loudly.

"WHAT?!" She shouted again. Fuck, shot must have destroyed her ears too.

"Silver. Go get some help, grab the front desk lady or something." I said firmly. Silver nodded and went to the door, but he promptly shut it again just before a series of loud thunks sounded on the other side of it.

"Yeah no. I think I'll just stay here." Silver said quickly as he sat propped against aforementioned door.

"How many on the other side?" I asked.

"More than one, less than a hundred. Does that help?" Silver said like a smart ass. He might just end up being my second favorite traveling companion, of course, Glenn never said anything, which made him easy to deal with. Huh.

"Okay, here's what we're going to do." I said as I began pulling swords out of my torso and throwing them in a corner. "You are going to stay here and defend my wife, if anything happens to her, I will eat you. I am going to go out there and give proper welcome to our lovely little house guests, but first, I am going to check our little bandits over here." I said as I looked to the prone bodies of the original home invaders. I made my way over to the pile, and came face to hole with the shattered remains of what was once a pony. Vinyl had hit one of them when she fired, and the shot had exploded him like one of those jelly filled balloons you used to drop on your friends as a prank. His body was all over the floor, staining the carpet like wine. Speaking of which, I was feeling hungry. One of his legs was still intact, so I picked it up. I shook it around a little bit, it was kind of funny to watch it bend at the knee and flop around. Anyway, that was macabre. I shrugged and took a bite out of it. Not bad.

"Did you just take a bite out of a severed leg?" Silver said in abject disgusted horror.

"Chaotic good for the win." I said as I took another bite. Apparently, he had a rather weak constitution, because Silver began retching and gagging like he was gonna throw up.

I threw away the severed leg and looked back at the pile, I checked all of them, they were dead. I guess the sheer awesome of a pony with a giant cannon was just too much for their little hearts to handle. I began patting the bodies down, they were all dressed in dorky looking SWATesque gear. One of them had something in his pocket, I pulled it out and looked it over. It was a wallet. I shrugged and opened it up. Inside were eight bits, a ten bit gift card for quills and sofas, a credit card, and some sort of ID card. What kind of retard brought ID to a covert operation? Apparently a broke, single guy named Pruned Roses. Sounds about right. I read a little more, apparently he wasn't a donor, well, he was still going to be giving blood. I moved his head to allow me access to his neck, and fed.

I stood up feeling much better, I turned around and was making my way to the door when a voice sounded in my head, but it wasn't Danny, no, this voice was female, no it wasn't Glenn. "Kyle, do you have anything to report yet?" It was Celestia talking to me. In my mind. Apparently there was no limit to the amount of people that could talk in your brain. Awesome.

"Yeah. A bunch of ponies broke into the hotel room we were staying in, so I guess it's something." I said.

"Are they taken care of?" She asked calmly.

"Sort of. There's a few outside. I was about to kill them when you called. Since you're here though, perhaps you can tell me what I should do. My weapons are ready, I am prepared to kill, I await only your word." I said in mocking tribute to Alucard. I swear, one more Hellsing reference and Seras was going to shoot me in the face. Or maybe she would just crush my skull with her fist. Either way, it was probably time to stop.

"Is it really necessary to kill them?" Celestia asked.

"You are the commander here, you tell me. Is it necessary to kill them? Do you have the will to give an order that will lead to death? Or can you suggest a better course of action?"

"Do you think me weak? I assure you I am not. You are expendable to me, you are a tool, an item, you are no subject of mine. I would remind you that I will not hesitate to send you to die. Remember this before you goad me. Now go. Kill. Or die." Celestia had a menacing and cold side? Sweet. She was one hell of a hard bitch. Makes it difficult to believe Danny got that. I shrugged and walked back towards the door.

I checked my weapons one last time, making sure they were all reloaded and ready to for use. Around me were the broken and mutilated bodies of a dozen ponies. I placed my hand on the door handle and pumped myself up for what I knew was coming. I opened the door to see even more armored ponies. I put on a business-like smile and walked out. “So. Life insurance everyone?” I asked them as I walked past the first of them. For a moment they seemed surprised, but then one of them, a unicorn, blasted me with fire. “Apparently yes!” I yelled as I unloaded with both barrels into the jack-booted thugs that were so desperate to kill me they had tried to get me in a hotel. The .454 rounds I was firing were not small by any stretch, nor were they quiet weapons to use. The cannon sounds they made when coupled with the tight spaces we were in made them sound like giant explosions every time I pulled the trigger. By the time my clips were empty, there were no ponies left in the hallway. There were chunks of flesh that closely resembled them, but nothing was still intact. I turned my head about to see my handiwork, then smiled and nodded, then I frowned. Something was out of place. I just couldn’t place my fangs on it. I pursed my lips as I looked around again. What the hell was wrong? Then I saw it, one of them was breathing. Well, that might be a good thing. It wasn’t like I was just going to find out who sent them by checking the bodies. Unless one of them had a swastika tattoo, but that would mean nazis, and nazis would be retarded. I shook my head and smiled as I walked over to him, he was so fucked. His leg had been severed below the knee, and he was bleeding all over the place. He flailed his remaining three legs in a futile attempt to get away as I got close. I knelt down next to him and looked him in the eyes as I spoke.

“Who put you up to this?” I asked seriously.

“What?” He replied in confusion. Shock did no wonders for comprehension, and it was clear his was pretty bad.

“Who sent you to kill me?” I asked again, speaking more slowly so his shock addled brain could comprehend my speech.

“Buck you.” He snarled. Ooh. Still a stubborn little bastard was he?

“You sure you want to do this the hard way?” I asked warningly.

“I’ll die before I speak to you.” He replied defiantly.

“Err... Okay.” I said as I picked him up, slung his body over my shoulder, and started carrying him back into the room. To his credit, he didn’t say a word as I walked through the door and moved towards the window. I looked out through the glass. Below were ponies happily out and about to experience a taste of the night life. I certainly couldn’t fault them for that, but they were still going to have a bad time in just a few seconds. I undid the latch on the gold edged window pane and looked straight down. It was exactly thirty two stories to the ground.

“What are you doing? My attached night guardspony asked in alarm. He had already seen me murder a bunch of ponies, and I’m sure he was just a little worse for wear. Well, he wasn’t getting better anytime soon, the night was still young.

“What do reckon? About three hundred feet?” I asked conversationally. As I looked at the ground.

“You aren’t going to do what I think you’re going to do are you?” The guard asked suspiciously.

“Why? What were you thinking?” I asked as I nonchalantly threw the bleeding pony out the window.

"Really. You really did that." Silver said flatly.

"Yeah. I did. What you gonna do about it slut?" I said menacingly.

"Nothing." He said quickly.

"Well good. Pack your shit, we're leaving." I said cheerfully.

"Yeah, that's probably best." Silver said as he went back to his room and grabbed his bag.

"What are we doing?" Vinyl asked as she scratched her head.

"Leaving." I said.

"What? Why? We just got here." She asked in surprise.

"Yeah, and now we're going. So grab your stuff and let's go."

"Okaaaay." Vinyl said with an annoyed sigh as she made her way back to her room.

It only took us a few minutes to pack, and then we were making our way to the elevator. After walking past my most recent art exhibit, we were standing by the doors. I hit the call button and waited patiently as the hand on the elevator count clock thing made its way up. Finally there was a little bell sound and the doors opened. Silver had been standing directly in front of the doors, so when they opened he found himself muzzle to muzzle with a balaclava-wearing pony, along with at least six others behind. Said pony blinked in startled surprise, Silver's reaction was far less accommodating. Silver rammed his forehead into the other pony's muzzle, breaking his nose and splattering blood all over his coat, he then tackled the reeling pony, hooves outstretched, and began slamming his forehooves into his face. His friends reacted quickly, but still too slow. It was time to try out my new blades. I unsheathed one and jumped past Silver. I swept the blade in a sideways arc. The blade cut through the elevator wall, and three of the ponies' necks. The other three were trying to prep magic and weapons in the tight space, I took out one of my guns and pulled the trigger in their general direction. I didn't have time or reason to aim, space was so tight it didn't matter anyway. The remaining three ponies went down with giant holes drilled in their bodies.

I turned back to see how Silver was doing. He was still wailing on the same pony as before, blood was pooling on the floor of the elevator. Silver stopped to catch his breath, and saw that his foe was dead. He shakily got to his hooves, and took a deep wracking breath. Vinyl had been staring wide-eyed at us as we did our bloody work, and now that it was over, she slowly walked in to the elevator and stood facing the door. I pressed the floor one button and stood next to Vinyl, thinking about how she must be feeling about the seven mutilated ponies in the elevator with us.

After about a minute of absolutely unfitting elevator music, we reached the bottom. The bell dinged, the doors opened, and we were greeted with still more bad pony dudes. There were at least twenty of them. I only had seven shots per mag in my .454, which meant there were six left even if I hit every shot. Well, you only live once, and I was already dead, so fuck all. I drew and fired both of my weapons into the mass of hostiles, going through both clips in less than two seconds, I only killed eleven with the shots. Shit. I threw the empty guns at the remaining ponies and ran at them full tilt. I drew my swords and aimed a cut at the first enemy that came to me. The blade took him in the neck and cut through so fast there wasn't even a blood spatter, I swung with the other and slashed the side of another pony, another pony was directly in front of me, so I kicked him in the muzzle, I could hear the bones cracking in his neck and jaw. I saw another a few feet away, moving very slowly to grab one of his knives with is magic, I jumped in the air and brought one of my blades down in a stabbing motion on his back, impaling him on 30" of steel. Yet another pony ran towards me with agonizing slowness, his magically held knife sweeping down towards me, I ducked under it and stabbed both swords into his chest, then I pulled them to the side, effectively cutting him in half, three more of them charged me with swords, obviously intending to overwhelm me with numbers like they had been trying to do since they started. I dropped to one knee and extended my arms to either side, making a T with my outstretched arms. "Deathclaw Strike!" I yelled as I swept both weapons towards each other on an inwards arc, decapitating all three at once. Fallout for the fucking win. I stood up and looked around. Where was that last guy?

"Useless cur. Can't get good help these days to save your life. Oh well. At least they served my purpose." That voice. I didn't know it. I turned and saw a griffon clad in black, form-fitting armor of a strange material suffocating the last pony in one of her claws. She squeezed a little harder, and I heard bones cracking from here.

"Gilda?" I said in surprise.

"Who the buck is Gilda? No. I am Lucypher." She said with a dramatic flair.

"Okay." I said with a shrug.

"You haven't heard of me? Blackwing? Bloodclaws? Scourge of Highroost?" She pressed hopefully.

"No. Sorry. I'm rather new here." I said sadly.

"Pity. Well, no matter. What is your name?" She asked as she eyed me.

"Kyle." I said simply.

"Damn. I was hoping you were Danny." She said in annoyance.

"Why is that? I'm not good enough for you?" I said with evident malice.

"Well, it says here that you're worth 50,000 dead or alive." She said as she removed a slip of paper from her armor.

"Not bad." I said with a nod.

"The little one is worth 75k and Danny is worth 150,000. You're at the bottom of the list. Those two must be pretty good, so perhaps it's best I take the cheap one first. Payday's a payday after all." And with that, Lucypher pulled out a huge gun and cocked two of the four hammers.

"What the fuck is that thing?" I asked in startled awe. It looked like a giant rectangle with a gunstock, a trigger, and hammers on it.

"Do you like it? this is the pride of the engineers of Cragsnest, Volantis Venator. The Flying Hunter. She has four barrels, each 2.8 centimeters in diameter and fires shells loaded with iron balls. Her unloaded weight is 30 kilograms, she generates over 50 kilos per meter of recoil, I'm the only Griffon in Equestria who can use it. " She said theatrically.

"Right. Well, allow me to offer you a proposition before we begin. You can either fight me, or you can go away and live to fight another day. Just a friendly offer." I said calmly.

"No."

"Well then, I guess we're doing this." I said in anticipation.

"You ready?" She said with a menacing smile.

"Just give me a second." I said as I reloaded my guns in preparation for what was about to go down. "Now I'm ready." I said confidently.

She raised her weapon in one hand and fired. I was already diving out of the way, and managed to avoid getting turned into a blood smoothie. Oooh. I wonder how one of those would taste, I might have to try one of those sometime. Anyway, back to fighting. I landed behind a pillar, and quickly got up and pressed my back against it. That bitch was fast, and she could one hand a 70 pound shotgun.

"Hey there." Lucypher said as she put her cannon to the back of my head. And she could fly, and be fast. This was gonna be good. I ducked just as she pulled the trigger and pressed the barrel of my own sidearm to her beak. She artfully moved her head and brought her huge club of a gun swinging down towards me. I pushed up with my legs and got my arms around her neck in a bear hug. She responded by punching me in the kidney and shoving me away.

She again tried to bring her weapon to bear, but I swatted it away with one hand and brought up my other gun. Her clawed hand grabbed my wrist and she pulled my arm down and to the side, pointing away from her face. I brought my other arm back and bashed the side of my pistol against her head. She staggered backwards, I brought both of my guns up again, but she jumped back and flapped away behind a pillar. I saw her try to peak out and let loose on the place where she was hiding. The shots tore chunks of masonry out of the pillar, crushing through the shaped stone. I ran backwards as fast as I could as I fired, using the opportunity to find good cover. I ran behind a different pillar farther down the line and reloaded. This was going well so far. I looked around the corner just in time to see her swing out, I ducked back just before she unloaded into my cover. If my guns were destructive, then these things were on a next level tier. The pillar nearly exploded on my back, her shots powering through over half the wall. Hopefully these weren't load bearing supports, otherwise things could go very badly. Er, well, worse.

I tried to look around again, but she fired her cannon again, breaking through even more of the stonework. I put one of my guns around the corner and blind fired a clip in her general direction. I reloaded yet again. Where was I getting all this ammo from anyway? I looked out again and saw she was behind a pillar even closer to me. She must have moved up when I was suppressed. She was definitely an aggressive fighter, a berserker if you will. How was I going to do this? We could do this until doomsday. Unless. Vinyl and Silver had a cannon with them, but they were across the room, fuck.

"Hey Kyle." A voice said as I was leaning out. I swung my guns around to see Danny standing in front of me.

"The hell are you doing here Danny?" I asked in surprise.

"Oh you know, just thought I'd check up on you and stuff." He said conversationally. "So whatca doin'?"

"I'm in the middle of a firefight here." I said angrily.

"Oh. Sweet. Well, that's cool and all, but I should probably get back to- CHLOROFORM RAG!" Danny shouted as he shoved a rag in my face. It smelled horrible, but it wasn't going to make me pass out. "What the hell? That was supposed to work." Danny said when he saw that I wasn't falling over.

"Did you really do that?" I asked flatly. Another shot rang out from Lucypher's side of the range, mulching through yet more of the pillar.

"HOLY SHITS! That gun sounds awesome!" Danny shouted joyfully.

"Yeah, it is, but it weighs 70 pounds and is being toted by a griffon bitch with an attitude. So you can't have it." I said lividly.

"Oh no, I don't want it, I'm just making an observation. So anyway, I was cleaning out my pockets, and I found a little gift for you, I don't really need it since I have my shotgun, but I thought you might like it." And with that, Danny held up Alucard's Jackal pistol, along with spare clips. Awesome.

"Here. Take it. I'm just that nice." Danny said seriously. I took the weapon, and noticed it was slightly different from Alucard's, it had a gold plated barrel and hammer, and the lettering was silver inlay instead of whatever it was in Hellsing.

"Daddy likes." I said as I held the weapon in my hand.

"The clip is extended, so it has 7 rounds instead of six, I also thought you might like tungsten rounds instead of mercury. So there you go.

"I could kiss you right now Danny." I said seriously.

"Whoah bro, I ain't into vampires. Just take it." Danny said as he raised his hands as if to ward me away.

"Alright dude. You should probably go and, you know, investigate stuff, or something." I said cheerfully.

"Yeah in a second, but first I gotta try something out." Danny said excitedly. And with that he pulled out what looked to be an old 12 gauge shotgun. Pump action. How did he think that was going to do anything? Danny pulled the trigger and out came a rocket that went whizzing towards Lucypher's pillar, the rocket exploded and blew the pillar away in a flash of smoke and fire.

"Awesome." Danny said as an evil grin split his features. He then proceeded to unload into the smoke, blowing chunks out of the ground and causing pieces of ceiling to fall down. The manager was so fired. "See ya later!" Danny shouted, then he was gone.

"Well. That happened." I said out loud. I guess it was time to see if she survived or not.

"You're so dead." Guess that was a yes. I dived to the side, avoiding her cannon's retort, and fired my new gun, she managed to get out of the way, but hell if it wasn't fun to shoot this thing. I did a roll and backpedaled as I fired towards her again. She got behind cover, but my new gun cut through it and barely missed her head. Oh yeah, this was going to be the best gun yet.

I turned and ran as I reloaded my weapons, going for the pillars on the other side. I barely made it before she fired again, spraying buckshot over everything. It was getting to be that time now, where everything has to be awesome. Fuck this shit. "Let's rock!" I shouted as I did a flip out from behind cover Matrix style. No hand to push me farther of the ground, just leg power. Lucypher had a similar idea, but she had wings. Her dive took her across the space between pillars parallel to me. We both unloaded our guns on each-other, all four of her barrels sounded off, as did both of mine, with that much metal in the air, someone was going to get hit, and we were. One of my shots took her in the shoulder, knocking her back out of the air. Two of her pellets also found purchase in flesh, taking me directly the abdomen and chest. I fell awkwardly to the ground with two brand new smoking holes in my chest. Fuck. That was two pellets, if she got me full on with even one full shot, I was not going to be in a good way.

"Miss me you bastard?" Speaking of... I again beat her gun away before she could cannon my skull, but now she had a giant knife in the other hand, which promptly went directly into my shoulder. She shoved me into the pillar, impaling me to it on her ridiculously oversized knife. My right shoulder was pinned, so that was out, but what she didn't know, was that I was left-handed. Not like it mattered, but whatever. I had my smaller Casul in my left hand, but it would be enough, I shot her in the arm she was using to hold the knife, breaking her grip on it and allowing me to pull myself free. She was feeling her wounds now, I could tell by her face. And her eyes. She looked almost scared. Now was the time to go on the offensive. She started flapping away, getting out of the line of fire before I could unload. I took her knife out of my shoulder, deciding I wouldn't give it back to her later, then went to follow the lady. I saw her behind cover again, and shot at her some more. I didn't expect to hit her, I wasn't trying to, I was trying to keep her head down, I reloaded and fired again as I ran farther down the atrium, going to the far end near the entrance, I ran across the middle towards her side of the room. I was careful to keep a pillar between her and me in case she saw, I made it to about two pillars from where she was before she saw me. I fired and ran towards her, I unloaded my new weapon and one of the Casuls, she had managed to get out of the way, she brought her weapon up and pointed it at me, I thought fast and threw both of my guns at her face before baseball sliding and pulling out my other Casul, I was too fast her her this time, and I shot her in the legs, three shots hit her armor and bounced, but two hit her in the right knee and brought her off her feet. She brought her gun around to shoot me again, but grabbed it by the barrel, headbutted her, and shot her twice in her clawed hand, I tugged on the weapon, yanking it out of her grasp, and kicked her in the side, then I brought her own weapon back around, gripped the handle with my right hand, put the barrel in her face, and pulled the trigger.

*Click*

The damn thing chose that moment to misfire, but that didn't mean she was going to live, I jabbed the weapon forward into her face, pretending I had a bayonet, and knocked her to the ground, I then cocked the other three barrels and shoved them into her chest before pulling the trigger. The recoil was immense. Even I felt it. It was definitely the most powerful feeling ever to have a huge gun like this chunk someone. And chunk someone it did, she exploded as soon as I pulled the trigger, there was hardly enough of her torso left. Someone would have to mop this up later. It was all closed casket funerals or cremations for this chick. I threw the gun to the side, and looked around, over half the pillars were almost completely destroyed, the ground was mangled and crushed everywhere, and the ceiling was coming down.Ya did good Kyle. Ya did good. Also you Danny.

"Thank you."

You bet.

"I bet you're wondering where all the hotel staff and guests went aren't you?" Celestia said as more a statement than a question.

"Actually no. I really don't give a shit. I'm just glad they didn't get in the way."

"I had the hotel closed down, because I knew someone would make an attempt on your life." She said calmly.

"You what?" I said in surprise.

"I knew somepony or something would try to kill you, so I evacuated the premises. I had to know who put out the bounties. Now is there anything to hint at who offered the blood money on the body" Celestia asked.

"What body?" I replied.

"The assassin's body. She replied.

I looked at the blasted remains of what had formerly been my assassin, and facepalmed as hard as I could.

Omnicidal maniac with a bad appetite. And I'm supposed to be the good one.

"I may have, well, destroyed the body." I said nervously.

"What?" Celestia said angrily.

"Hey it's not my fault she used a cannon. I just wanted to keep her from killing me is all." I complained.

*sigh* "Is there anything left of the body? Is there even evidence? This whole thing was for nothing if we're right back at square one." Celestia said.

"Well, I have a name, ID, and a bad attitude, so don't you worry, I'll take care of this." I said as I picked up my guns, I looked over at that stupid bitch's cannon. Should I take it? Absolutely. I grabbed the titanic weapon and looked for some way to reload it. I finally found a lever after a few seconds of fumbling, and pulled it. Apparently it was a break open shotgun, sweet. I looked back to the mutilated body of my former enemy, I was going to have to search the body. This was going to get really fucked up. It took a moment of groping over the corpse before I found what I was looking for, a bag filled with huge shotgun shells. I could give someone a really bad day with a gun like this.

"damn right you could." A deep masculine voice murmured into my skull.

"Who the fuck is this?" I said shouted angrily. The fuck was next? Telepathic marketers? Was I going to hear about how I should buy a new DVR while I was in the shower? Fuck all this shit.

"I am Hermes. I watched you fight that fool Lucypher, most impressive. I was most pleased when you killed her, and with me no less. Such hubris. It was glorious! But anyway, on to the point. I am a weapon, or rather inside one, I am a predator, it is my goal to kill. You appear able and willing to do so, and you are far more... devoted than my former wielder. My point is, perhaps, you and I could help each other. If you will kill, then I will lend you my aid. Lucypher was an adept fighter, but she could never use my full power, I will lend my magic to you, if you promise to kill." A demon possessed weapon? Now I've seen everything. This could only get better if I used it. Well, no not really. But since when has that stopped me?

"Sure. I'll kill stuff with you. I might as well, seeing as how I don't seem to be able to avoid scrapping like a dog." I said in resignation. Not like I could turn this down. Well, I could, but I wasn't going to.

"Good. Now go, I sense there are yet more enemies. Reload me, let me fight, Set me free!" This thing was vicious. I might just give it to Danny after all. He was a fan of shotguns, I'm sure a demon possessed shotgun would be something he'd love to open on Christmas. Then again, it was a seventy pound gun that fired cannon shells. Of course, crazy shit had never stopped him before, apparently he went into his subconscious and fired a nuke gun, and that was why he got about a foot and a half shorter.

"Move it! I demand blood!" Hermes shouted angrily into my skull. Well, bring that shit on.

"Where are they then?" I whispered.

"They are waiting outside, one of them is strong, kill all of them, I shall assist."

"Alright then." I said as I walked towards the double doors.

Do you have a plan?" Hermes asked disinterestedly.

"Yeah. I am going to open the door, fire two barrels at the clump of meat waiting in front of it, use your weight to smash the skulls of the two waiting on either side, use the one on the left as a meatshield, and fire the two remaining barrels into the squad waiting off to the side." I said simply.

"I like your style. Let's do it! They will know the fury of Hermes the hellcannon!" It shouted viciously.

I walked up to the door and looked it over. Mahogany with gold edging. What a well appointed hotel I just wrecked, Blueblood was gonna be pissed, and so was my boss. Well, I didn't give a shit, these doors were going down. I got ready, tensed my muscles, and grabbed the handle, pulling the door open to reveal even more of those stupid fucking ponies with swords. God as my witness, when I found that bitch Bloodmoon, she was going to die. For now though, these guys were gonna eat whatever this thing was spitting. I fired off two barrels from the hip, lightning arced between the pellets that were fired, cutting apart the firing line of ponies, the sound of thunder followed a few milliseconds behind. Awesome. I swung the weapon around in one hand and slammed the pony to my right into the wall, the one on the left took it in the face a moment later. Another group of ponies charged me en masse, I pulled the hammers and fired the remaining two barrels, scalding dragonfire incinerated the entire lot of. In the end, they died as they lived, en masse. Danny was going to have to try this one. A demon possessed shotgun that fired magic? Hells the fuck to absolutely shit surely balls to the wall YES!

"Gonna be sweepin' this shit with a broom by the time we're through!" I yelled gleefully. I was enjoying this way too much. It was probably due to the blood drinking, constant slaughter, vampirism, and possessed bloodthirsty weapon.

"Stay alert. Something else is coming, something much more fun." Hermes said with disturbed happiness.

"How many did they send to this hotel? I swear there's army attacking this place."

"No, not an army. This was simply a group united in a common purpose. Celestia has ruled too long. She grew weak, complacent, she will be replaced. You, you stand with her, and so you must be stopped. Don't you see? These ponies died for a better future, they had families, and you killed them, simply because they shared a view that clashed with yours. Congratulations, you callous psychopath." What was that? The stench of blatant hypocrisy? It could only mean one thing... REPUBLICANS! Oh wait, no, it was just a stupid chick trying to give me the guilt trip.

"Aren't you a republican?" Danny asked through my brain. This was getting pretty damned confusing.

"No Danny. I am an anarchist, because I recognize God as my only true ruler. Because being christian should free you up to insult all politicians equally." I said calmly.

"Homicidal vampire anarchist christians? Now I've heard everything."

"Homicidal? Fuck that! I kill everything! I'm a fuckmothering asshole of an omnicidal maniac! Also.Fuckass pussyshit bitchycunt demon cocks severed with a dull paring knife and stuffed in a blender set to 'fuck ass in the cunt' while jacking off to Jerry Springer and reading Psalm 93 in Kannada and using a potsherd to scrape your skin off as your wife has unrestrained shameless sex with a lava lamp. Also, beating off to any part of the Twilight saga. Now you've heard everything." I said monotonously.

"That is by far the third most disturbing thing I've ever heard." Danny said matter-of-factly

"That's how you know you've heard everything." I said simply.

"Ahem. I am trying to talk to you here." Said the little unicorn lady from earlier.

"And I am trying to have a conversation with my friend. So you can wait your effing turn!" I said angrily.

"Well now she done went and killed the mood. So I guess you're just gonna go keep fighting, so see ya." Danny said.

"Oh wait! I almost forgot to tell you dude!" I said excitedly.

"What?"

"I got a new shotgun, and it has a barrel diameter of 28mm, and it has four barrels, and it's magicl thanks to the thing possessing it! You have got to fucking fire this thing! Just one barrel and your arm would probably break form the recoil, but it's so worth it dude!" I was giddy like a schoolboy who was about to get his first poon. This shit was just class A awesome with a capital AWESOME!

"Much as I would love to break my arm on a giant shotgun, I have to get back to the party. I got those pony strippers for a reason you know, and all these shots of gin and grams of blow ain't gonna do themselves." Danny said disinterestedly.

"Since when did you do drugs? I thought you hated them because they fucked your brain?"

"I don't, and they do, but it's hilarious to watch these ponies get so stoned they start proposing to the statues in the garden and getting lost in the maze after one turn."

"Where are you dude?"

"I managed to get this really nice place just outside the city proper, I think it was called the playbunny mansion or something, there were all these mares there already, so I figured I might as well invite some guys so we had sausage to go with all the clams. Anyway, somepony made an offhand mention about a party, and suddenly there was a rave and shit going on. Sometime after eight o'clock Pinkie figured we needed party favors, and the only thing they had in the area was blow, so now everyone got like 8 grams. So now, half the people are so headfucked they think the punchbowl has the latest fashion. One dude is so high he's curled up in the fetal position because he thinks one of the vases is trying to eat him, another guy is playing tag with an ottoman, some chick is playing peek-a-boo with the sink, and I think that guy over there is playing hide and go seek with a box of walnuts. This is easily the most entertaining thing I have ever seen, I'll be sure to take pictures. Anyway, I better get out of here, some dude's trying to have sex with the lawn flamingo. Wait a second. HOLY SHIT THAT'S A REAL FLAMINGO. HEY ASSHOLE! TAKE THAT SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE!" And then Danny was gone. He left me in tears, from laughing so damned hard! How much funnier could that have been?

"Oh dude! I almost forgot! I got some pictures that party a few days ago. You know, the one where we forgot everything that happened? Anyway, it must have been wild, because I have a video of you dancing to what sounds like the BeeGee's. I didn't even know you could dance. Holy Shit! This is rad! Ohohoho. Guess who just found a new wallpaper for his Android! Oh fuck. Hang on, we'll have to talk later. One of the ponies outside is trying to seduce a lawn gnome, and I think Twilight is trying to teach a kitchen knife how to read Latin." And like that, he was gone again.

"Okay. Now I can talk to you. What did you have to say exactly?" I said patiently as I looked towards the little unicorn mare.

"I was saying, that there's a price on your head, I intend to be the one who collects it, but don't worry, I don't like blood money, so I'll just end up giving it to charity. You can take solace in that." She said confidently. What a blowhard bitch.

"So, let me get this straight. You're here to kill me." I said.

"Yes."

"After you already bitched about how I was killing ponies."

"Uhh. Yeah."

"When I only killed them because they were trying to kill me. Is that about right?"

"Yes."Okay, now that was bullshit. This bitch was gonna take it in the face. My giant bullets that is.

"Before we get started with the killing. Perhaps you would like to meet the members of my personal entourage? I know they're just dying to meet you." The mare who shall hereafter be referred to as 'the bitch' said in a tone that reeked of eerie menace and disturbed joy. Not a second after she said this, 5 giant ponies clad in what looked like 3 inches of armor plate came stomping around a corner into my field of view.

"These are 5 of the personal guards of Queen Bloodmoon. Now, Tremble before their infinite might! You will die here, one way or another." the bitch said dramatically. Apparently, everyone just loved that little flare and flourish.

"How many goddamned ponies did you send?" I asked, startled that they still had more fucking enemies.

"We will send as many as we must to kill you, you will die by our hand, one way or another." She said threateningly.

At that moment, I suddenly felt very angry, angry at Bloodmoon, angry at this bitch, angry at Danny, angry at every fucking thing ever. And all this anger was very soon let out, in the form of the most inventive tirade I have ever created. Ever.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FUCK
FUCK
FUUCK
FFUUUCK
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
AND YOUR
GOD
DAMNED
BULLSHIT
AND MOST OF ALL
FUCK
YOUR
STUPID
CUNT
BITCH
WHORE
SLUT
FUCKWIT
OF A
FUCKING
QUEEN
FFFUUUUUUUUUUCCKK YYYOOOOOUUUUUU" I finished my angry tirade, and stood there for a moment, doing nothing but deep breathing exercises, trying not to be too ridiculously angry before a fight, had to set a good example for the kids after all. Heheheheheheheh, well, look at that, not angry anymore. Nothing was going to ruin this little moment for me.

*thunk*

Except crossbow bolts in the chest, that might fuck my night just a bit. All this shit was going to ruin my outfit, well, too late, but still.

"Gee thanks. I really needed more blood on this outfit, I am currently wearing a burgundy coat, it was white when I put it on about ten minutes ago." I wasn't angry with with the person who did it, so much as I was with myself for not expecting things like this to happen, cause when you can't die, you become a lodestone for mind-numbingly horrible injuries, like grand pianos to the skull.

"You- He- I- How are you not dying?" The bitch stuttered in absolutely hilarious surprise.

"Well, it's a really long and heart wrenching story, if I were to tell you, it would probably take up at least an entire slot of a TV show length program, maybe even more, so anyway, it all started when..." I would have continued, about three seconds more before killing all of them, but I was quite rudely interrupted by something unexpected.

"Why does this seem familiar to me?" A monotone Marcelesque voice diatribed from behind me.

"You know what you can do Sasuke? You can go fuck yourself. You're entire existence is only so that Naruto can appeal to a gay audience with his creepy lovey obsession with you. He did share his first kiss with you after all, so I guess it is warranted." I was not happy, again. Every time things get less crazy, they get crazier,all this crap was gonna get to me one day, then I was going to go on a shooting spree and start blasting anything that moved, and eat it after I killed it... Ffffffffffffffuuuu. Whatever. I turned around face the newest addition to our list of cameos, only to be greeted with another arrow in the back, well, fuck that for now. My real worry was that I was staring at the Shippuden version of Sasuke, which meat he could summon giant snake monsters and stab people with unblockable swords. Oops.

"You should probably get those wounds looked at." Sasuke said in his usual tone of complete indifference.

"Nah. I'll be all good a minute or two. You might want to go back to your own place though. Danny hates your entire world, your existence is a blight to him. Tall words considering he's watched foolycooly like a dozen times, but still, he would probably wreck you like a hurricane. Friendly tip you know." I said cordially.

*thunk* That little cunt.

I turned around and yelled in the loudest, most pissed-the-fuck-off voice I could muster.

"TELL THAT FUCK IF HE OR SHE SHOOTS ONE MORE FUCKING ARROW AT ME I WILL USE IT TO EITHER GOUGE OUT HER OVARIES OR CUT OFF HIS BALLS, THEN I WILL FRY THEM THE FUCK UP AND FEED THEM TO DANNY AS A PRANK, AND ALL THE WHILE I WILL BE LAUGHING IN SADISTIC GLEE AS YOU SCREAM IN MIND-JARRINGLY HORRIBLE PAIN! YOU SHITEATING FUCTARD!" Stupid bitches and their bullshit. They just never knew when to stop.

*thunk* FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF UUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH *sigh* alright. It's fine. Whatever. It's all whatever. He was on the roof just up there, but I wasn't going to go over there and horribly mutilate him, (he was indeed a dude) I was going to have a nice, cordial conversation, and we were all going to leave scot-free, we were all just gonna talk it over, and maybe grab a cup of coffee, and then we would just go our separate ways, maybe they would get all get significant others, and then we might chance a meeting later, and have a good laugh about this moment. I could hear it now. "Hey, remember when I shot you in the chest with that crossbow?" He would say, and I would put my arm around my wife, have a little laugh, and reply. "Oh yeah! I remember that! Good times, good times. You've certainly come a long way, what with your significant other you have there. Congratulations." and then he would say "Thanks! I actually proposed just a few days ago, so we're going to be getting married this summer." And I would congratulate them both, and wish them happiness, pay the bill for the food, and leave, then go have a good time and continue enjoying life. The end.

*thunk*

"...." I said nothing, no words needed to be said. Even Hermes had the good sense to say absolutely nothing. I just shook my head slowly, reloaded Hermes, cocked a hammer, pointed the gun at Sasuke, and pulled the trigger. What sounded like a thousand tortured screams raised in a symphony of pain exploded from my gun, along with a gout of black hellfire. The bitter irony. My face remained stoic as I pulled another hammer back, the rest of them freaked out just a little at my sudden destruction of another human being, but fuck them anyway.

*thunk*

That archer as going to buy it next, but first, I had to get closer, not because I thought the gun wouldn't hit him, I just wanted to make sure he shat himself at my presence before he exploded. He was on a roof, across an alley, with the stupid bitch and her cohort in between. Luckily, there was a wall to the side of me, the hotel facade, time for some Devil May Cry wall running. I sprinted as hard as I could for the side of the wall, jumping up at the last second, strange, it was actually working, a little too well in fact. I stopped running, and stuck to the wall. What the fuck? Fuck this Spider-Man bullshit. Whatever. I rolled my eyes and ran across the side of the wall, jumping clear over the alley and landing on the other roof. The little bitch of an archer was trembling, like a little leafy bitch. What to do with him? He had a red coat, it might make a good scarf, or maybe I could make a hat. Be like the Daniel Boone of vampires, go explore shit, find new lands, along with my trusty sidekick Daring Do. That would be shit though, and cliche, like every other goddamn thing going on right now. Return of Nightmare Moon? What a motherfucking surprise! That's only been done, What? A thousand fucking times? The wet dreams of a die hard kiddie cartoon fan come true? How fucking original! Some evil vampire guy likes to blow living things apart and eat them? Never been done in a goddamn ever! How about a shitload of random-ass characters ending up here for absolutely no legitimate reason? How existentially different! Might as well face facts, my life is a shit joke, and nobody laughs in the end. Still... A little pony shaking and pissing himself because he knows he pissed you off and you are going to destroy him makes for a pretty nice high. 'So since I was here...' I thought as I raised Hermes and pointed it towards the weeping figure in the corner, 'might as well have fun with it.' I finished as I pulled the trigger. A sound of howling wolves rose from the weapon as metal teeth shredded the archer's body like meat in an immersion blender. I could have sucked that shit through a straw, and I would have fucking enjoyed it too, but I had work left, still a few living things in this crazy city.

I hopped down to ground level, where that bitch and her guards were busy trying not to shit themselves. They looked about ready fall down and die right now, assholes.

*El Kablam!* That is the sound a giant cannon makes when it fires outside. It is also the the sound a guitar makes when it shatters against someone's head, but that's a different cartoon entirely. Needless to say, (yet said anyway) one of the metal bound soldiers-for-rent exploded like a confetti balloon.

*Le absolutely unnecessary and totally unexpected but somehow appropriate Pinkie gasp* "I love confetti! Where's the confetti? Can I see it? Pleeeeeeeaaaaaseee? Show me where da party at! Where da white chicks? How 'bout some ho's up in here! Raise the muthabuckin' roof!" Pinkie shouted in a horrible white person's impression of a black guy. What had happened to this chick? Had Danny driven her nuts? Or did she just watch her language on camera? Oh shit. Now I thought she could somehow tell when... Well, that actually made more sense than evolution, and the state of North Dakota, but that was unrelated.

"This is so cool! We have got to do this more often!" Vinyl yelled from across the way. I took my glasses off and looked again. There she was, standing there, smoking cannon in magical aura, lightning blue hair flowing in the wind, and right next to her, Silver Boulder, just to ruin the mood with his floorstruck jaw. He should probably pick that shit off the ground before it got old.

"Who the buck is this slut?" Miss bitchy sounded her face horn yet again. Wait a second. Did this little self-righteous cunt just call my wife a bitch? Ohoho NO. Dead does not begin to describe what this chick was about to be.

"What did you just call me?" Vinyl snarled angrily.

"You heard me." Bitch said with her little diva attitude.

"To answer your question bitch. She is my wife." I said from behind her.

"Really? you married her? You aren't even a pony. You're a thing. A monster. So how about this, you come with us, and your wife lives." Bitch said like a snoot.

"Can you even do shit for dick besides threats and shit? It doesn't seem to help you at all. I mean, I blew through your friends in the hotel and out pretty fast, and my wife just owned one of your guards like he didn't exist. I think you're nothing but a stupid comedy act. A washed up piece of shit with delusions of grandeur, a blowhard with no trick up your sleeve, playing at being a trump card." I said in a low tone that bespoke my malice.

"You want to see what I can do? Alright then! I'll show you! Then you'll see why they call me Trixter!" Apparently she was known as trickster. No she was not Trixie. I could tell by the voice, she was way more of a bitch than Trixie ever was. Anyway, we were apparently going to get a show now, so I guess we should see what's going on. Wait, did she say Trixter with an X? That's a damn band name! She can't just teal the name of an awesome band because she has a trick or two up her... whatever.

The bitch's horn glowed a bright pink, and suddenly, we were in a house of mirrors. Oh, how fucking clever, she was going to reflect herself perfectly so we wouldn't know what was who and who was what.

"Welcome! Welcome to Red's house of mirrors! Please! Enjoy everything my carnival has to offer!" Her disembodied voice rang through the halls like any true creepy villain's voice should. Ahh, enemies. Maybe this cat was okay after all.

"Behind you." She whispered in my ear. I shoved an elbow up, intending to crush her skull like a grape, but only a mirror greeted my arm. It shattered at my hammer blow, and I felt myself being pulled away, off to wherever else. I was now whirling around on a wheel, spreadeagled to the rotating circle. Trickster, or Red, or whatever she was was about twenty feet away, throwing a knife in the air with her magic and catching it.

"Don't freak out or anything, but I haven't done this in a while, so I might be a little rusty." she she said happily.

"Ah don't worry about it. I'm sure you'll do fine." I said. Not like I was going to be taunted by some retard with a couple knives and a hat trick.

"Okay, here we go." She said as she wound up for the throw. Suddenly she threw the knife at me, missing my chest by a couple inches.

"Alright, looks like I still got my stuff! That was just a practice throw though, here comes the blindfold!" She shouted jovially. Ah yes, a blindfold, she was really on with this carnival thing.

Red put on a blindfold and levitated another knife. Without warning, she threw it straight at me, this one missed my head by about an inch.

"Little to the left dear." I said quickly. If she was going to have fun with this, so was I.

"Thanks love." She replied saucily. Like that one? Saucily. It's fun just to say it. Saucily. Anyway, she readied yet another knife, and hurled that one too. This one hit the space between my legs, just short of the care package.

"Buck, gonna have to be a little higher next time." She said as she pulled up the blindfold to look.

"Hey! No peeking! That's like, the most important rule! Peeking makes it less fun." I scolded.

"Why do I feel like you enjoy this more than I do?" She asked as she pulled the blindfold back down and threw another knife. This one hit me in the hand. How she so completely missed the center of the target the world would never know.

"You know you aren't very good at this." I said matter-of-factly.

"Well, maybe magic tricks will be better." She said. And suddenly, we were in front of an audience of ponies on a stage. everything but my head and feet were in a box. Red was now dressed in a magician outfit, and holding aloft a hacksaw. Yeah, like I didn't know where this was going.

"And for my next trick, I will-"

"Saw me in half? I got it, I have seen plenty of carnival shit. Nobody cares if you saw me in half, least of all me. So whatever, I don't give a flying spaghetti monster." I wasn't angry, or annoyed, or anything really. I was experiencing boredom for the first tie since coming here. This was cliche mindfucking, and I did not care for it.

"Well, since you're so tired of the same old, perhaps you'd like something a little more entertaining. So how about this one?" She grinned evilly and I was transported to a new place. Now I had a bullwhip and a chair. Oh for cripes sake, where was the lion?

*growl*

I looked over towards the source of that giant meow to see something I should have expected, but for some reason did not. Yep, no lion tamers up in here, we had manticore trainers for the muthafuckin' win!

"You might want to start with that bullwhip." She said with a touch of humor. This, this was fucking new. If only Danny were here to try this one. Ah hell, bring the whole family! This was the shit I could deal with. I cracked the bullwhip in the manticore's face, drawing blood from its snout. The thing simply growled in response, so I shattered the chair over its head. Bitch was much easier to deal with after that. Gave it a concussion, then strangled it. That's right! I strangled a muthafuckin' manticore! Fuck your life you bitch!

"Did you really just kill that thing?" Red asked incredulously.

"Yep. Watch I'll do it to you too." I said as I moved towards where she was in the stands.

"On to the next one shall we?" Red said with a nervous smile. And suddenly, I was in a tube. The fuck is this? Are we really out of things to do already?

"And now! The human cannonball!" Ho yeah, here we go. What now? Beds of spikes? Pools of acid? Giant man-eating beasts? The blood was pumping to my loins just thinking about it... I may have a problem. My thought were quite rudely interrupted when I was thrown out of the cannon at high velocity. And directly towards a giant pool of some liquid. Acid it was then. I landed straight in the middle of the pool, hitting the bottom and staying there. Funny, I was used to floating on water, but I guess losing fat and gaining muscle does that, whatever, she was just out of ideas now. Strangely, I didn't get a burning in my lungs, even after staying under for almost a minute. I guess not needing to breathe does that. I could be the coolest lifeguard ever with skills like this. I was like a super hero and shit, only I killed things, so fuck. Eventually, I figured I might as well go back up, so after taking the arrows out of my body, I swam back up. The moment I broke the surface, I got an earful of that chick's bitching. Awesome. Just fucking awesome.

"How is this? Monsters can't swim!" She said in frightened alarm.

"Shut up and hop in numbnuts." I said as I grabbed her foreleg and tugged her in.

"Ah!" Was all she had time to say befor I pulled her into the water. I expected her to just float back up a second later, but she didn't surface. Strange, they usually surface coughing and spluttering a second later and get sort of angry and splash you. This is usually followed by a bout of passionate lovemaking, but circumstances considered, there was no way in hell that was happening. After about twenty seconds, I figured she might be fucking around, so I dived under to see what was up. Well, there she was, on the bottom, lying down, not moving. Well, that was unexpected. I rolled my eyes and grabbed her off the bottom of the pool, bringing her back up and throwing her out and on to the ground. All eight feet down to the ground... fuck.

I checked her pulse, fine, breathing, no cigar. She was a fucking horse! Don't they have like huge lungs or something? It was like 30 seconds! Oh fuck. Well, better start CPR. Now, How to do CPR on a pony. Hmm. It felt like I was sort of breaking some ground here, I don't think they train for mouth to muzzle in med school. Maybe a vet would be able to it. Too bad I didn't know any fucking Vets in this shit of a place! Okay fuck it, just go with your gut. I went with my gut, and gave CPR to a goddamn pony, after about three minutes, she finally came to, coughing and spluttering while gagging water out of her lungs.

"Whew! You gave me a damn heart attack you crazy bitch! Why didn't you tell me you couldn't swim?" I said scoldingly.

"You *cough* did you just save my life?" She asked incredulously.

"Yeah." I replied.

"Why?"

"No idea. Probably the same reason I kill, because I can." I said.

"You are not right in the head are you." She monotoned.

"Nah. If I was, you'd be dead, but you aren't, and I am. So you're welcome." I said in annoyance.

"So the evil psychopath has a heart of gold after all." She muttered humorously.

"Yeah yeah. Just hurry up and get this shit over with, I was supposed to go partying with my wife, before your guys jumped us that is." I said as I looked accusatively at her.

"Actually, I'm about out of ideas now, and considering the circumstances, I guess it would be better if we just left." She sighed.

"Well you're no fun." I said playfully.

"Funny how quickly you go through moods." She observed.

"Yeah. Funny that ain't it? Ain't I the bipolarist guy you ever met?" I said sarcastically.

"Hmm. Nah. There was this one pony in elementary school, craziest bitch ever." She said after thinking for a moment.

"Well. Shit. Anyway, I think I'm about done with this crap. So how about we just get out of this place?" I said impatiently.

"Yeah sure. Let's go." She said. And suddenly, we were back in real time, and nothing had changed. Well, except my opinion of the gir,l er mare, chick thing, whatever.

"So. What now?" I asked.

"I don't know. I guess we all just go home and forget this ever happened." Red said simply. Well, that went okay.

"I should have known we couldn't trust a merc! Kill 'em all!" One of the armored guards yelled as he reared up to crush Red under a few hundred pounds of armor and muscle. 'Should have figured. Should have goddamned figured.' I thought as I drew my Jackal and and pounded tungsten downrange onto the honor guard of the dark queen. they may have had thick steel as armor, but that wasn't going to save them from 13mm tungsten rounds hitting them in the skull. I killed all of the remaining guards in one clip, I was getting better at this shooting thing. Fuck yes. When all was said and done, Red was still standing, and everything with armor was dead as shit.

"You missed one." Vinyl droned.

"No I didn't." I replied.

"What about the girl?" Vinyl replied.

"What about the girl." I replied sarcastically.

"You just can't turn a mare down can you?" Vinyl said disappointedly.

"Oh get over yourself." Red scolded.

"Oh go suck a-"

"Girls girls, you're both fuckin' pretty now quit it! Vinyl? Calm your tits. Red? You're going to sleep for a while, go home when you wake up." I said angrily.

"How am I going to sle-" I laid her out with a punch in the head, making sure I didn't break her skull with my fist. Then I wordlessly picked up the duffel bag with our stuff in it and started walking. Silver and Vinyl followed closely behind. This night was just starting, and I had already had close encounters of the equine, ethereal, and avian kind. 'This was only going to get better.' I thought as I pulled another arrow out of my back. Fuck that little archer bitch, wish I could go back and drink him like a smoothie.

6000 viewers. More people saw this than people who saw In the Name of the King.

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Hey! This is Danny, or for others, Ommy. I was just wiping the cum off my keyboard because we just got 6000 views!

Hey everybody! It's a-me Kyle! Yeah, he came. Soooo, yeah, that happened. Anyway, I am not writing this on the computer he came all over, because that would be fucking weird. Anyways, we had this thing planned out where we were going to elaborate on everything we never explained. Like whether or not I still have a soul, and things like that. However, we decided that your collective fucks are = to or > 0. so yeah, we're just gonna dick around. Back to you dickmilk.

Thanks stain-master jizz-face. So we were dickin' around and coming up with new things we could put in the story. Namely characters and new plot twists that can either add to comic effect or even the scales in terms of how OP each character is or is not. I was thinking about making myself evolve into a Crestire :3 a species of my own design. Essentially just fuck everything I'm awesome :3 Kinda liek Kyle, but more lovable. MOOOOOOOOSSSRRRAIAAVOIEWUIUOVEWNgnoiUOUOIENOIEVBUOWUOBENWIPNFUOENEFOIPWBFUIEEWOIUINCNVUIENOIEUEFINOIGIWONICBIUCMPWJOIGEnoidnboiebuiwipnefuoibjip3tjbietohjoiwrmiwhniwrngoiwrjgoidsmoivwerngiemoipwfuioiahuiOIBHVRJNOEWIBUIHCJNOWUIW; Definition-A rock.
Back to you, you kitten-gobbling train fucking limp male genitalia ass-face cum-guzzling man-whore shit-cock.

Thanks cumweed. Anyway, Let me run a few ideas past your whore mouths. Idea number 1. This one was actually Daniel's, he had this character he created named uhhhh something I am being told his name is jaemiral. Sounds retarded right? well I thought it was too, until he explained the character to me. I am not going to explain the character to you, but he has a degree in almost every social, medical, and Physics based science. He is also a soldier who single-handedly destroyed an army of a thousand men. so he's a badass, and I say this with absolute certainty. Anyway, idea numero dos. Add Schrodinger from Hellsing ultimate as a love interest for Daniel. Yes i am aware it is a dude, but Danny is not. Idea 3. Elfen Lied. Lots and lots of Elfen Lied. Idea 4. fuck the police (no homo. (except maybe for Danny)). Idea 5. Maybe a little more Glenn could be added to make him a character in the stor- "I think it needs moar parties!"

"Get the hell out of our viewer special Pinkie."

"Awww. But i like Pinkie!"

"Hi Danny! Wanna have a party?"

"FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU"

"Simmer down teapot. You can stay as long as you want Pinkie."

"Yay! i gotta go. Bye!"

"Well, that happened."

"Yep. It happened. It happened, and I am glad it did. Because it was the coolest thing EVAR!"

Anyway. Idea number 6. perhaps a little more Danny chapters so we can make the story more funny for every I say as I caress your smooth body, my hands stroking across your thighs as I kiss your neck softly, moaning lightly as our bodies touch in sweet embrace. I wrap my arms around you as I kiss you softly on the lips, our warm flesh rubbing gently between us as we embrace each other. I break the kiss and breathe lightly "mmnmm...your lips taste so nice" I say in a soft, seductive tone as I hold you close, our warm, sweaty skin pressing between us. I slip my tongue into your mouth, twirling it softly around yours as I poke and prod your helpless tongue. I wrap my tongue around yours, tugging your tongue lightly into my mouth as I suck gently on it, sending soft waves of pleasure through your body with each time I suck on your trembling tongue. I feel your body trembling and shaking softly as I press my body against it, feeling your arms wrap tightly around me in a warm embrace. Our naked bodies sweat and tremble with anticipation for what is to come. I break the kiss again, just for a breath, pulling my face away from yours as a thin trail of saliva connects us by our tongues. "Hnnn...Are you ready?" I ask in a seductive tone before kissing and sucking against your neck as I poke ad prod your tight hole with my hard, throbbing cock. As you nervously nod your head I smile with glee before gently pushing my cock into you. We both moan lightly before I press my mouth against yours in another tongue-tying kiss as I start thrusting my cock gently in and out of you, drawing out every movement as long as possible, listening to your hot moans as I smile into our deep, intimate kiss. I break the kiss as I begin moving my hips faster, loving the sound of your pleasured voice as you moan and breathe shakily in pleasure. I begin thrusting harder and faster as I kiss and suck on your neck and collar-bone, listening intently on every breath and moan you make as my hands explore and massage your body. I begin thrusting even faster, listening to your moans become louder and echo throughout the room before I finally thrust hard and deep into you, filling you up with my hot cum as I bite down on your neck gently, sucking on it as I hear you moan loudly in ecstasy and climax with me, our moans and climaxes in sync before we finally collapse next to each other, breathing deeply. I get up from the bed, still breathing a little deeply as I get dressed and leave you without a word.

WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

WHAT THE FUCK!

WHAT THE FUCK!

*Ahem* We appear to be experiencing technical difficulties. A staff of trained monkeys is looking into the problem. So, we should have this cleared up momentarily. Until then, please listen to some waiting music.

And we're back. Sorry for that interruption, but all technical difficulties should now be solved. Since mine and Kyle's time to collaborate in writing this was cut short I decided to wrap it up myself :3
I'm not entirely sure what to put here, but expect for awesome things to come about eventually maybe possibly. So yea, cya on the flipside guys! :3

The rest of everything.

Words words words words plot. the end. Plot. cliffhanger. Naw just kidding. Sort of.

........................................................................................

'Well, Now what? I pretty much just shat on the armies of Bloodmoon and destroyed everything. What do you do with this?' I thought to myself as I walked glumly down the Canterlot main street.

"I know what we can do."Glenn said solemnly.

'What?' I thought to myself.

"We can mount a siege on the castle of Bloodmoon which we have magically found the location of because I am the Deus ex Machina you have kept in reserve since the beginning of this story." Glenn stated telepathically in a dead monotone.

'And we will siege this place how?' As designated destroyer of dreams, it was my duty to naysay and destroy ideas made by others.

"We will use the Fluttertank that I have acquired because I have a Fluttershy and because I am amazing." Glenn replied.

"A what now?" I replied, not quite understanding what he was talking about.

"Oh my God." Glenn replied with exasperation.

A flut-ter-tank." He suddenly shouted in my ear.

So after my nose fixed itself and Glenn put his teeth back in his mouth we decided that as a rule, sneaking up on each other was a very bad and life-ending plan, so we resolved never to do it again. Ever.

"SUP BITCHES!" Danny screamed from directly behind us.

So after Daniel put his arm back on and his jaw was in place again we decided that it was a bad idea to sneak up on people in general, and we all resolved to amend our foolish ways and never do anything like this again.

"GET ON WITH IT!" Vinyl yelled from behind all three of us.

And that's how I became a widower. No just kidding, she was already dead anyway.

"Sorry about your wife bro, but hey, at least she died the way she lived, scaring the shit out of everyone who saw her." Daniel said consolingly as he patted me on the back.

"Respawning in 5." I said monotonously.

"Dude. She exploded, fell down, then exploded again, she's not getting back up." Glenn muttered almost to himself.

"Well, that was a thing... which occurred... and stuff." Vinyl stated as she slowly climbed out of the crater in the ground.

"Told you." I said as looked at Daniel.

"Told him what?" Vinyl asked.

"Respawning in five." I said again.

"Oh. Anyway, would someone like to explain to me why I should not kill all three of you and eat you like funyuns?" Vinyl asked angrily.

"I've got one." I said as I stood up and walked over to her.

"Oh this should be good." Vinyl said sarcastically.

"I could..." I began as I started whispering in her ear.Her face quickly changed from a scowl, to wide-eyed look of surprise, to shocked 'O' face, to a bashful smile complete with red blush, to a full-on 'come hither' look that seemed to be asking for a heap of very naughty things.

"Can you even do that?" Vinyl asked in shocked surprise when I finished.

"I don't know. Wanna find out?" I asked playfully.

"Promise you'll go through with it?" Vinyl asked.

"Cross my heart, hope to... dammit. How about yes? Is yes okay? Yes is okay. We'll go with that." I said quickly. The answer seemed to satisfy the DJ mare for the moment, and she stood aside from us so we could continue going about our not business.

"What did you say to her?" Danny asked as i walked back to my friends.

"You can read minds. Are you telling me you don't know?" I replied.

"Speaking of." Glenn interjected. "I didn't think you would even know what that was, much less that it was a fetish that anyone could have, and anyway, you always seemed to me like more of a sadist than a masochist. I mean, that shit was pretty fucked up, I didn't even know you had it in you."

"What did he even say?" Daniel asked as he contemplated what could have gotten a response from Glenn. Glenn then proceeded to whisper in Danny's ear for a moment, during which time Daniel's face moved through several shades of surprise before Glenn finally finished.

"Whoah, dude. I never thought I would say this, but you may actually be ready for f-list. I salute you sir, for actually being able to provoke a response from me, and I extend to you my respect for being almost as fucked up as me." Danny then proceeded to salute me with a dorky salute.

"Yeah that's great and all, but we should probably get on top of the whole, 'hey there's a bad moon on the rise and some crazy bitch is gonna kill us all and turn this into George Orwell's worst nightmare' thing that seems to be going on." I said with mild annoyance.

"Oh right, that. Yeah I suppose we should stop procrastinating and get that done, since we obviously won't hear the end of it until we do." Daniel conceded.

"Well that's awesome and all, but we're gonna need the tank if we want to get through the giant fortress and fuckloads of guards she has coming out of her ass." Glenn stated unanimatedly.

"I suppose you know where we could acquire said tank?" I asked half-sarcastically.

"Yeah it's right over there." Glenn said as he pointed towards the area behind me. I turned around and there, plain as day, was a yellow M1A2 Abrams-esque tank with purple butterflies on it.

"So it is." I said as I looked at it.

"Well come on then. Let's get this bullshit done so we can not do things." Daniel said as he made his way to the tank. I looked to Glenn and shrugged, before following our glorious leader Danny to the hulk of steel and other metals so beautifully magicked into place before us.

Danny made his way to the tank and climbed on top of it, Twilight opened the hatch just a moment later and Danny quickly climbed in, Glenn followed just a moment later, and Twilight popped out again like a groundhog and threw me a suspiciously human-like headset.

"No more room in the main area, plus, we need a driver. Have fun!" Twilight then retreated into the metal shell like a trollish turtle, leaving me no choice but to accept my fate and jump into the driver's seat.

As I entered the driver's cabin and sat down in the leather seat, I was made acutely aware of the fact that I had absolutely no idea about how to drive a tank. My lack of understanding was quickly made more acute when i realized that there were about a hundred buttons, levers, switches, and toggles that I had absolutely no knowledge of. Well, I could figure it all out on the fly, no need to panic... Then I looked to the side, and saw something that was even more horrible, a stick shift, a real, live, actual, stick shift. I was not only being expected to drive a tank, but a tank that used manual gear shift. Fuck.

"Uh, Twilight?" I said through the microphone in my headset.

"Yeah?" Came the reply.

"How do use?" I asked simply.

"Okay, so first, you'll need to find the switch that toggles fuel flow to the engines, this thing runs on rainbows and magic, two things which can be very unstable, so I need you to immediately press the buttons as they light up and in the order they light up once you have flipped the switches, after the buttons have been pressed, you will need to start the engines by turning the key until you hear a big noise. Get it?" Twilight asked.

"Sure." I said with false confidence, as I fully expected to blow us up.

I shrugged and started anyway, looking for the fuel flow switches, before coming to the conclusion that nothing was labeled. Fuck. I saw two switches that looked fairly close together, they seemed distinctly like things that I should be flipping. Ah fuck it, yolo! I thought to myself as I flipped both the switches. A button on the panel in front of me lit up, then another, and another, then several more, and then suddenly the whole panel was ablaze with red and green buttons. Ffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuck it. "press all the buttons!" I shouted as I began madly pressing buttons on the panel as fast as I could. There was a sudden burst of noises from the innards of the metal hulk, and a new light appeared in front of me above the steering wheel, I took this to mean that I should turn the key, and promptly twisted it like any other key. The engine promptly responded to my loving ministrations by starting with a throaty, almost orgasmic roar. The beefy sounds leading me to the conclusion that this thing was carrying an engine that would put the greatest sportscar ever to a crying shame.

"Hey Twilight. You said this thing was running on rainbows and magic right?" I asked in amazement as I heard the lion roar of the giant hulk reverberating through the cockpit.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, this tank is currently using dual Thunder and Lightning engines, fabricated at-"Twilight said as she began launching into a technical overview of the machinery, before she was rudely interrupted.

"How much power do they supply?" I asked before she could continue.

"Each on supplies about six hundred wingpower. Why?"

"Just wanted to know what I was getting int-... Did you say wingpower?" I asked in surprise.

"Yeah. Why?" Twilight replied quizzically.

"Why not horsepower? I mean, that seems like a more appropriate measurement to make for a tank doesn't it?" I asked.

"Well yes, perhaps, but these engines were designed and fabricated by the pegasus designers War Thunder and Raiden Lightning, so naturally, they chose their system of measurement. Twilight explained quite contritely.

"Makes sense to me, anyway, we should get moving. Where were we going by the way?" I suddenly realized I had no idea where I was going.

"Oh, right. Well, for starters, we need to get out of Canterlot, so just start making your way southeast along the roads. Oh and uh, take it easy okay? Twilight said the last part quite nervously, as if she were expecting my impeccable driving skills to fail me. Ha! not a chance. One had to have prior knowledge of driving in order for their skills to fail them. Pffft, joke was on them.

"Righty-ho, in the words of one of the greatest science-fiction medical practitioners in the history of British television, Allonz-y!" I shouted as I pressed the pedal and switched to first gear, shortly before realizing that i couldn't see where I was going thanks to the multiple inches and feet of armor in front of me. I quickly opened the hatch and stuck my head out so i could get a good look, just in time to see a hot dog stand rapidly approaching us. Or were we just going that fast? In any case, it became a moot point a moment later when the treads of the behemoth I was driving crushed it like so many bay leaves in an Italian dish. Or wait, did Italians use bay leaves? Whatever, you get the idea.

"What was that?" Twilight asked in a tone of slight concern.

"Oh nothing, just the damn Canterlot roads with their stupid bumps and such, they really ought to get these repaved." I cheerfully lied.

"Right, I'll take your word for it."Twilight replied quickly.

I continued my way across the crowded city, reaching the gates after only a few minutes of careful driving (Glad I took those shortcuts through the home for battered mares, the zebra orphanage, and the school for deaf unicorns.) later. Finally reaching the straight-of-way leading to the gate as the moon was nearing its zenith.

"Do you even know where you're going?" Daniel asked.

"I'm sorry but it's really hard to see with all these stupid orphan and widow bits blocking the periscope. I have to put my head out the hatch and look." I replied.

I looked ahead at the gatehouse down the street, and quickly realized it was closed. I relayed as much to Twilight, who briefly came out of her shock induced coma to school me on how shit worked here in rebar-up-ass-ville.

"The gates close after sunset, we'll have to sort things with the guards before we can leave, but it should be okay." Twilight said calmly.

"So, on a scale of one to livid, how pissed would Celestia be if we were to say, let ourselves out?" I asked absentmindedly.

"No, oh no, no no no no no no nonononononono. I know what you're going to do, and I am telling you right now, that if you even try to do what I think you are going to, Bloodmoon will be the least of your problems." Twilight fairly screamed into my ear.

"So pretty mad then. Well, there's only one thing to do in this situation." I said determinedly.

"Put on some badass music and kick it into high gear?" Daniel said hopefully.

"Put some badass music on and kick it into hi- you clever bastard you." I said with wry amusement

"Daniel!" Twilight shouted scornfully.

"Hang on, I got just the thing. *Click*"

"Not what I had in mind, but fine, it'll have to do." I sigh as I change the stick to second gear. A few seconds later, I was forced to bring my head back into the tank as we powered through the gate with an audible *crunch* and a thump that reverberated throughout the entire tank.

"That wasn't so bad." I said as I brought my head back out and looked ahead at our path. I was immediately unnerved by the fact that we appeared to be heading straight for a cliff, before remembering that this entire city was in fact perched atop a mountain in a strange and physics breaking way. I of course steered the tank back onto a path with a trajectory that did not end with thousand foot falls, and soon we were back on track, careening around the sharp corners and avoiding the edge of the path as I made us a way downward. Soon enough we were on a trail leading towards Bloodmoon's little playhouse, everyone happily playing traveling games like 'I spy a- HOLY BUCKING HORNS!', 'who wet the seat', and 'oh Celestia please just let me liii-hiiii-hiveee'.

It took nearly four hours of driving to finally come to a place where we were close. As we approached, no one said anything, so I just kept going. Eventually, we reached the end of the forest I had been hastily plowing through to the barren killing field surrounding the giant and admittedly awesome black stone fortress looming up before us like a giant monument saying "bitch please I'm a gigantic fortress and you can't do shit to me. Well fuck you! Cause guess what? W3 g0t 1337 c4nn0ns b333444tch!

"Danny?" I said into radio.

"Danny!" I repeated.

"Huh? What? Oh, We're there?Oh shit! We're there!" Danny shouted in surprise as he woke up and manned the gun, firing a shot at the huge and nigh impenetrable seeming walls. Which were promptly damaged by the force of the explosion from the shot fired.

"Ho-ly shit!" I exclaimed upon seeing the ridiculous amount of power generated by the shot fired.

"What the hell is in the shots we're firing Twilight?" I overheard Danny ask.

"Explosive magic spells laced into a crystal lattice. Why?" 'Why' she says, as if we were supposed to expect that she could channel explosion into a crystal. Smart ass.

Danny didn't dignify her with a response, and instead focused his attention to blasting away as fast as Fluttershy and Glenn could reload, (who put them on that task we would never know) but our crew managed to keep up a stunning rate of firepower as we closed on the quickly crumbling walls.

Okay, we've got their attention, now we just have to get through the walls." Twilight said hopefully.

"Through the walls? that's a great idea!" I shouted madly as I put the tank up to its highest gear, making a mad dash for the stone wall of their defense.

"Wait! What do you think your doing!?" Twilight shouted in terror.

Ow it's brick--- wall!

sittin' in the way just beggin' to go down!

It's a brick--- wall!

stacked with stone and that's a fact but it won't be there for long!

It's a brick--- wall!

Well gun the engines and fire the guns, if it thinks it's tough it's wrong!

it thinks it's all high and mighty. Sittin' there in my way. yeah yeah

What makes it think it's so tough? ten yards tall, twenty deep, three hundred long, but if it thinks it'll stand it's wrong!

It's a brick--- wall!

sittin' in the way just beggin' to go down!

It's a brick--- wall!

Stacked with stone and that's a fact but it won't be there for long.

oh it's a ber-rick--- wall

it's the one, the biggest one, and I'm gonna bring it down!

It's maker's wicked old ways, make me wish, and long, to fuck her day.

Yeah it's well built! i know, and I don't care.

Still gonna tear through her city like a rampaging bear!

Cause it's a brick--- wall

sittin' in my way just beggin to go down.

oh it's a briick--- wall.

It's the one, the biggest one, and I'm gonna bring it down.

Break it down break it down now, break it down break it down now

Break it down break it down now, break it down break it down now

Break it down break it down now, break it down break it down now

cause it's a brick--- wall

sittin in my way just beggin' to go down.

Ow it's a briiick--- wall

It's the one, the biggest one, and I'm gonna bring it down.

*Ker-Crash!* *thwoom!* *Booom!*

I came to a moment later, to find that a bunch of lights that probably shouldn't have been on were, in fact, blinking. i quickly realized that this was problematic and pushed the top hatch open, and quickly found myself face to ugly with a giant black dragon. He was regarding me like a lion regards a mouse, with a complete and utter contempt for my existence. *Whiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrr* I looked straight up to see that the gun had rotated around to point at the dragon, before breaking into a smug grin and ducking back into the tank as the dragon reared up to breathe its fire and incinerate me.

Booom! Headshot.

"Bitch please, I'm the Danny." Daniel's voice monotoned through the headset.

"Let me go on record as saying your idea was terrible! You almost killed us all!" Twilight shouted angrily at me.

"That was awesome! Let's do it again!" Vinyl shouted joyously.

"Great job genius, real great plan you had here." Glenn said sarcastically.

"If every bone in my body wasn't screaming in pain right now, I'd be bucking you in the face with my steel-shod hooves. Silver said painfully.

"Aww quit your whining and bail out! we still got a job to do!" I shouted scornfully before again opening the hatch and jumping out of our now half-buried tank. Which, by the way, was now freshly coated with red paint thanks to the dragon.

The human and vampire occupants were all quick to hop out and get moving, the ponies generously agreeing to stay with the tank and make sure we got a good parking spot. We were then left with the greatest team ever assembled for dungeon crawling: Danny (Chaotic neutral) (Spellsword), Glenn (True neutral) (Pure mage), Vinyl (good) (rogue), and me, Kyle (Chaotic good) (Warrior). Best team ever, in the history of D&D.

"Try to keep up!" I yelled as I pushed forward towards the keep. We all knew that Bloodmoon was in there, the villain is always in the biggest, kickassed place in the evil fortress place.

"Really dude?" Glenn said as he calmly floated after us. That's right, his feet were literally too good for the fround at this point, he just flew around if he wanted to be somewhere, or TPed.

"What?" I replied indignantly.

"You just... If anything, Daniel should have been the one to say that, he's the one with the magic powers." Glenn said in annoyance.

"I don't even know what you're talking about." I replied flatly.

"You... Whatever, just go." Glenn waved me on with a hand and went back to playing his DS while floating around like the dainty butterfly he fucking was.

"You guys go ahead, Imma just sit here." Daniel said simply as he sat on the ground and relaxed.

"Are you kidding me? You're just gonna sit out the best part?" I asked incredulously.

"Chaotic neutral, I'm exercising my neutrality. live with it." Daniel said as he nonchalantly lay his head back and stared up at the sky.

"Glenn?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"May I have a pokeball?"

"I guess. Here you go." Glenn shrugged and threw me a master ball, he probably had a few stacks of 999 in his friggin backpack, but whatever.

"Thanks."

"No problem dude."

I immediately looked at Danny and threw the ball at his feet. Danny looked at me and said: "Dude, those don't work on people." Shortly before the ball opened and sucked him in. The ball shook around for a few seconds, but it was more for show than anything else, since not even legendaries could escape master balls. A sprinkle of fairy dust popped out around it a second later, followed closely by a line of text which appeared out of the ground. "Danny was caught!" I brushed it out of the way, and a new line of text appeared. "Would you like to rename Danny?" I grinned deviously and pressed yes, then a keyboard appeared in the air. I typed in: "Bitchyu" and put the master ball in my pocket.

"Really... You really did that." Glenn said without emotion.

"Problem officer?" I asked trollishly.

"Nope, he had it coming."

"Good, let us continue." I said as i continued walking towards the giant gate that opened into what would likely be the keep. Only to be interrupted by a giant three headed dog. Well shit!

*A wild Cerberus attacks*

"Bitchyu! I choose you!" I yelled as I threw the master ball out, letting Danny out of the ball and assuming the strange control thing you somehow get over them for some strange reason. A screen with a few options popped up. I quickly selected attack, and was greeted with another screen, straight out of every Pokemon game I've ever played.

His move list was as follows: Hyper Beam, Splash, Harden, and Tackle. unfortunately, dan...I mean Bitchyu used up all his PP on the Hyper Beam when he exploded Vinyl. Like a muthafuckin' sir.

"Whelp, he's fucked." Glenn said simply as he eyed the moves list.

The giant dog suddenly charged forward and bit one of its heads down on Bitchyu, Picking up and shaking him like a chew toy before throwing him on the ground.

*Cerberus used bite... It's super effective!*

"Yeah! Thanks announcer asshole! We noticed!" I shouted angrily. Amazingly, Bitchyu's health didn't go all the way to zero, he still had one HP left.

"Uhh... Use tackle!" I shouted.

Bitchyu ran forward and, somehow, tackled the thing to the ground, a huge triple *snap* rang out as all three of the cerberus' necks broke.

*Bitchyu used tackle, It's super effective! Critical hit!*

"Well... huh." I said as I saw the XP bar just keep going up,before stopping at lvl 45.

*What's this!? Bitchyu is trying to evolve!*

"He's what now?" I said out loud. Before realizing that this might be a bad thing. "Uhhhh..." *Rapidly taps where the A button should be* "nononononononoNONONONONONONO!"

*Bitchyu evolved into: Crestire Daniel!*

"Well... huh..." I said simply, shortly before I was suddenly kicked through a house and out the other side.

"Imma badass now beeeaaaatch!" Daniel shouted as he suddenly stood gloating over me. I kicked him in the balls. He shut up for a while.

So after I fixed my bones, and Danny fixed his bone, we all agreed that from now on, Pokeballs were off limits in real life, unless pokemon could be caught.

"So you're what now?" I asked Danny.

"I'm a member of a superior race of super-humans, the next stage of human evolution, an adaptable race of men capable of recovering from terrible injuries, of feats of immense strength, of..."

"Yeah I don't care. Let's just go." I said simply.

Daniel sighed and nodded, before continuing forward with the rest of us, we soon reached the front gate, fully expecting to have to break through it. We were all pleasantly surprised when it began to open on its own. We were of course completely oblivious to any idea of the possibility that there could perhaps be an ambush waiting for us, and therefore we were not expecting that ambush. At all. nope. The four heavily armored ponies were absolutely successful in their attack, and were not absolutely destroyed by Danny, Vinyl, Glenn, or myself. JK they totally exploded.

"Eeeeewwwwwwww! I got pony chunks on me!" Vinyl whined as she tried to brush the red out of her coat with a hoof. Not at all succeeding in anything but rubbing blood all over herself.

"Considering you just got covered in equine gibs because your husband exploded it with a salvo of high calibre shells, you seem pretty okay in the head. For a person who would marry Kyle at least." Glenn said as he surveyed the scene of the after carnage.

"Well thanks, I'm glad you... What do you mean 'for someone who would marry Kyle?" Vinyl eyed Glenn angrily.

"Well... He is kind of crazy, and also weird, and ugly, but hey, Danny didn't let that stop him." Glenn motioned to Danny as a case and point.

"Hey, Kyle is the best guy ever! Don't you be insulting him!" Vinyl said threateningly.

"Hey I was just making an observation. You're blowing this way out of proportion here." Glenn said calmly.

"Girls girls, you're both pretty, now let's get on with this shit so we can go home." I finally said. I could be pissed at Glenn for calling me stupid, crazy and ugly later. Even if it was true. Right now though, shit to do.

Our party continued waltzing through the courtyard leading to the keep that was the home of our worst enemy. Surprisingly, nothing came after us. Like at all. There weren't even any more guards outside the keep, just a bunch of stupid non-hostile shit like trees and flowers. It was enough to make me think we were in the wrong evil castle.

Our following of the street we were on soon led us to the door into the building proper. It was huge up close, easily forty stories or more. somepony had a lot of time and money on their hooves. I shrugged and tried to push open the door. It was locked. Why would it not be locked when an attack was just carried out on them by an unknown enemy with hugely powerful weaponry? I shrugged and prepared to bust down the door, but Vinyl very rudely interrupted me by saying: "I got this hon." and knocking on the door. I had the utmost respect and love for my wife, but what ditz would think that politely knocking would ever get somepony to risk death and dismemberment by opening the door they had just barred?

Some sounds were heard from behind the door, which promptly opened a moment later. A pony in the silvery armor of the elite guard stood in the doorway and spoke. "What do you want?" He asked flatly. He got his answer when I blew his head off with a 10mm round a second later.

"The fuck dude!" Vinyl screamed as more brain and blood splattered onto her already burgundy coat. Kind of scary considering she had white fur.

"Yeah yeah, I'll lick it off later, right now, we have a job to do." I said dismissively as I walked through the doorway and saw another group of guards.

"C'mon! Do you know what it takes to clean my co... Wait... Really? That sounds... Kinda hot..." Suddenly Vinyl was putting on that 'come hither' face and swaying her hips way more than she needed to. Clearly she was going to hold me to this one... Hmm... yolo? Or was that not applicable? Ah whatever. I decided that she was getting plowed so hard by me if we made it out of here... alive?

"While you figure your shit out, Imma kill these dudes. 'Kay?" Danny said as he walked past me with a way too large sword in one hand and a rotary grenade launcher in the other.

Daniel stood in front of the guards with a sly look on his face. Daring them to try something. One of them foolishly tried to use a spell, but quicker than any of them could follow, he was gone from where he was, instead he was next to the one in the front line on the far left, the sword buried deep in the floor. The guards of the first two rows, six in all, collapsed to the floor, their severed heads rolling around like misshapen oblong marbles. Danny let go of the sword and stood up, looking at the rest of the guards in the hallway, their eyes wide with shock, trembling in fear.

"Run." Daniel said quietly. They ran.

"Got your shit back yet?" Daniel said as he tore his sword out of the ground and looked at me.

"Yep. I think I'm good." I said cheerfully.

"So... No comment on what I just did there? Not even a little surprised that I just destroyed six enemies in one sweep with a sword that's both bigger and heavier than you?" Danny said disappointedly.

"Not really. We've kind of come to expect crazy things from you, so it doesn't really surprise anyone here when you do something weird." I said simply. I then got up and walked down the hallway, patting Danny on the shoulder as I walked past.

"Well fuck." Danny murmured.

"We move on!" I shouted excitedly.

"That sounds awful. Please wait while I advance the story in a more meaningful manner..." Danny began. "Fuckly. That is all." Suddenly we were transported to the roof of the castle keep.

"Now what!?" I screamed

*Dannibal Smith time*

I pull up my minecraft inventory and look through it idly before pulling out my diamond pickaxe and say "I got dis" before beginning to pick at the floor beneath us, making a two by two hole.

"What are you doing?" Kyle asks in a moderately annoyed tone before I just push him into the hole and then jump down myself.

In front of us stands a massive army of thousands of ponies all standing at perfect attention in front of the evil behind us, Bloodmoon. "Kyle, you take the army, I got the boss."

"But-ahh, bu--" Kyle stammers in a confused tone.

"Don't worry dude, RPG logic, the army is always weaker than the boss" I note quickly before disappearing with the boss and leaving Kyle to the army.

*Back to you Kyle*

Having known Daniel for quite some time, I had come to the conclusion that he made no sense. This however, was a different can of worms altogether, he was going to go and fight the one enemy, and leave me to take on a small army. RPG logic be damned, this was a stupid plan. How does one kill massive amounts of enemy at once firstly? Secondly, why did he simply disappear? The mind boggles. So, here I was, stuck in a room with a couple thousand enemies, with only myself, a nigh completely useless Glenn, and my wife, who had a giant sniper rifle. Well, at least I had a giant shotgun. I reached up to grab said shotgun, but instead of the familiar feeling of a wooden grip, I was rewarded with the crackle-crunch and feeling of paper, it was a note, and read thusly:

Dear Kyle:

Stole your shotgun because it asked me to and because I need it for stuff.

Your friend and future eulogist: Daniel.

P.S. Trololol lolol lol

lolol

lol.

*winky face emote*

*smiley face*

*cock and balls*

*finely detailed sketch of Zarbon from DBZ flipping the bird*

'Well' I thought. 'shit.' Now it seemed we were fucked royally and totally in a way and position that anyone of a homosexual or bisexual persuasion would find very arousing. It was about this time that I began to realize how that guy from Ninja Gaiden feels pretty much every time he does something, and let me tell you, it sucked so much.

"So are you gonna kill them all... er what?" I heard the voice of Glenn speak calmly from behind me.

"No Glenn, I am not going to kill them, because I have guns and swords, but there are about a couple thousand of them." I responded patiently.

"Pfft. Big deal, I could...

" This sudden exclamation caught me off guard, which means that I pretty much freaked the fuck out.

"What!" I exclaimed.

"I beat the elite four with a motherfucking Magicarp! Suck my dick bitches! Your god commands you!" He screamed as he reached orgasmic pokemon apotheosis in the form of beating the most powerful opponents in Pokemon with the weakest pokemon in the game.

"So you can do something useful now right?" I asked.

"What? Oh right, the baddies. Yeah hang on, I just need you to hold off all of them while I charge my special beam cannon." Glenn said casually.

"That doesn't sound so ha-" Vinyl began.

"For five minutes." Glenn finished.

"Well shit." I said simply.

"Now considering they can beat you both to a bloody pulp in less than ten seconds... Ah I'm sure you'll do fine." Glenn added dismissively.

"right..." I said nervously as I turned to the ordered ranks of armor clad ponies standing flank to flank in imposing formation. As one, they began marching towards us, not seeming to be in any particular hurry, mostly because we were going to die if we stayed where we were, and if we ran away, that accomplished their goal as well. However, they were almost half a mile away due to the sheer size of the chamber, and they were moving rather slowly, as if they were on parade ground. So I sat and waited.... and waited... and waited.

"Kay done." Glen said as he prepared to fire the whatever he was going to use. The ponies still seemed almost a quarter mile away.

"Hang on." I said hurriedly. "I want to see how long it takes them to get here."

"Are these dudes serious? I think I saw a snail running rings around them earlier, but I think he got bored." Vinyl said jokingly.

We waited until they were about ten feet away, then I had Glenn fire his beamy whatever. "You guys might want to duck." He said. Vinyl and I looked at each-other, shrugged, then dived out of the way. "IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZOR!" Glenn shouted loudly. And fire he did. We would later speculate as to whether the explosion could have been seen from space or not, shortly before realizing that it was fucking epic either way, so who gave a fuck. needless to say, the army really did turn out to be easier, so maybe Danny's madness was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Either way, after we crossed the crater that had replaced the entire floor of the chamber, we came to the huge double doors at the end of the room. These doubtlessly led to the chambers of Bloodmoon herself, and where she would be most likely be engaged in mortal combat with Danny.

No more games. It was time to finish this. I racked the slides on my sidearms, Vinyl prepped her rifle, and Glenn played with G.I. Joe do- 'action figures'. We were ready for anything, our friend was likely in mortal peril, and we were going in there to help him, this was the moment of truth, our last huzzah, our crowning achievement. What we did here, the bards would sing of for an age. This was the end of the line, our-

"Oh for fuck's sake just open the goddamn door! You and your fucking melodramatic bullshit drive me crazy! I want to go back to Fluttershy's house, I want to hold bunnies and play with chipmunks, I want to tell Angel to suck it when I go to bed with Fluttershy every night. you roped me into this bullshit, now just go in and see what the fuck Danny is doing. Goddamn you you fucking long winded protestant prick, and if you ever mispronounce deus ex machina again I will crucify you upside down like Peter or whichever one it was that that happened to! So move!" Glenn's whole, 'losing of the shit' thing caught me off gaurd, I was

"OPEN. THE. FUCKING. DOOR."

"Okay!"

I opened the door and was immediately greeted with about what I was expecting to see at first. There was broken furniture, a flaming stone wall, (don't even ask me how) bloodstains, and a general look of mayhem about the place. We stood there, staring in abject awe, looking at the sheer scale of mayhem and havoc wreaked in this small space, clearly a fight worthy of immortalization song was fought here, and we were merely witnesses to the aftermath. Suddenly, a door opened at the far side of the room opened, a savaged and beaten looking Daniel walked laboriously out of it, closely followed by an equally battered Bloodmoon. I immediately raised my guns and began to shout a warning, but Danny simply raised a hand and said "Easy there cowboy." He then motioned to Bloodmoon to go back to the room, before turning back to us.

"You look like hammered shit. What the hell happened to you?" I asked.

"Well hold the fuck up and I'll tell you." He responded. We all stared at him, giving him our complete attention. "It went something like this..." He began.

I teleported past the huge army; which I am guessing Glenn took out with his special beam cannon, and went through the doors into Bloodmoon's private sanctum, fully intending to kill her and end this...

The doors open and I see a flagrantly opulent room filled with all manner of expensive and delicate furniture, I walk past it and return my focus to my quest, this is the boss wave, Kyle has most likely given his life holding off the small army out there while Glenn completes the magicarp challenge, I won't let his death be in vain, I'm going to finish this once and for... I stop my thought processes as I see Bloodmoon coming out of a room clad in nothing but a bath towel on her head, her eyes widen in surprise when she sees me. "Hi" I say with a smile. "Uhh... Hello?" She replies, taken off guard by my upbeat greeting. I ask her why she has been trying to kill us, and she responds by saying that she was trying to get rid of us because we were a threat to her plans. I ask her what she was planning in the first place. She says that at first she just wanted people to enjoy her night, but then she got separated from her body and had to wander the hell of alternate dimensions for another thousand years right after she got out of the other banishment, so then she went batshit crazy because everything hated her and she wanted everyone to feel the pain she felt. So I told her I understood, and that I still cared for her. So then she was like "no you don't" and I was like "yes I do" and so I kissed her and put my tongue in her mouth and-

"Yeah you can skip that part." Kyle said.

Right, so anyway, she blushed so hard she got even redder than she was before, and she's panting and giving me this look. Then all of a sudden she dives on me and bites me on the neck so hard I thought she was going to tear it off, which she promptly did, and I didn't know she was actually trying to kill me so i kissed her again and she looked at me like I was crazy, then she just shrugs and says "you're my little bitch now." And I say "Awesome, let's do this." So she uses her magic to take hot coals out of the fire and puts them on my-

"Skip that too."

Okay... So then she's keeping my hands held in her magic and keeping my face pressed between her rear flanks so hard I can't even breathe and she's using a paring knife to flay the skin off my pe-

"Danny!"

Yeah yeah. Skipping. So, anyway, I'm having the time of my life, and she's already cum like, six times, so she's going nuts, so she takes the ball gag out of my mouth and the needles out of my...

"Danny"

...off my ass...

"Jeezus Danny stop."

...me and puts her mouth around...

"Fucking hell dude shut up."

...then everything after is like that song that goes 'to the window, to the wall, 'till the sweat drips from my balls.

"My God Danny."

So now I'm here.

*Back to Kyle*

"So you..." I began.

"Yes." Danny said.

"Why?" I asked incredulously.

"Because she makes me happy and I find it sexy. Isn't that the same reason you married and had sex with Vinyl?" Danny said confidently.

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked seriously.

"Absolutely. I'm not killing her, and I'm not letting any of you do it either, I'm staying here, and that's the end of it." Daniel said with a tone of finality that I had never heard him use before. It actually made him seem like a serious human being who knew what he wanted.

"Okay." I said simply.

"NO YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY YOU SONOFA... Wut now?" Danny was actually taken aback by my simple acknowledgement. He had probably expected me to do something rash, like shoot everything. As if I was actually like that. Pfft.

"Look, you finally found someone in life that makes you truly happy, I'm not going to take that from you. So good luck Danny, and goodbye." I walked past danny and over to where Vinyl and Bloodmoon had engaged in conversation, I only caught the tail end, but it went like this:

Bloodmoon: So that's all I can tell you about sadism, there'll be some trial and error involved, everypony's different after all.

Vinyl: Well I still have to worry about him bleeding out, blood is kind of the only important thing we need.

Bloodmoon: I'm sure you can work it out. He did get gutted twice in one night. He can't be that fragile.

Vinyl: Yeah I guess you're... He got what!?

Bloodmoon: Yeah, I sort of... stabbed him, then cut him open, then threw a knife at his back...

Vinyl: Oh is that all? Pfft. That's nothing, he got stabbed with like eight swords, then had arrows shot into him.

Bloodmoon: Then I don't think a whip is going to kill him, or cutting.

I cleared my throat to let them know I was there. Vinyl did a wonderful impression of Twilight's jump take and ended up on the ceiling. She looked at me and seemed to get very small before awkwardly asking "What did you hear?" and cringing as she prepared for the answer.

"I heard enough." I said calmly.

"What do you think?" She asked in a voice that sounded absolutely devoid of any hope.

"Tell you what, I could say we'll talk about it, but that means 'I just want to wait until you forget it.' So do what every married woman has done since forever and ask me right after we have sex, there's a 99.9% chance I'll say yes and wake up strapped to a wall with a ball gag in my mouth while you stand there with a whip and a latex suit. Okay honey?"

"Erm... Okay?" She was clearly taken aback by my response.

"Let's go home honey." I said with a smile plastered on my face, trying to forget that I had just sentanced myself to future pain in the name of sexual gratification, but what the hell, I'd probably like it anyway.

"You know, I'm okay with all this, but what do we do about the fact that Celestia sent us to kill Bloodmoon?" Glenn asked. This broke the general happiness as we considered the options.

"She only said to stop Bloodmoon. She isn't going through with any plans for awhile, so I'd think we're good. Right?" Vinyl said. her explanation was simple enough, and reasonable.

"Yeah, but when she said 'stop' she meant 'kill.' you know she's not just going to accept the whole 'we stopped her, no really we promise' thing. She's going to want a head, or equivalent proof of death. You know how this works." Glenn's tone was grim, a sure sign that the situation was actually bad.

Suddenly, a plan came to mind, a delicious plan, an evil plan, a deliciously evil plan. It was so devilishly good, I nearly lost my shit just from thinking about it. "Guys... I have a plan."

......................................................

a few hours later

Bloodmoon's unconscious body weighed heavily on my shoulders as we entered the chamber of the princesses. Daniel, Glenn, and Vinyl flanked me to either side, the girls having gone home, and Silver Boulder having gone to do whatever it was that Luna's night watchponies did at night. Waiting in the throne was Luna, who was obviously in charge of the night court, it being night again.

"WE SEE YE HAVE COMPLETED YOUR TASK. WE THANK YOU FOR THY LOYALTY, AND YE SHALL BE JUSTLY REWARDED FOR THY HEROIC ACTS. FOR NOW THOUGH, PLACETH HER UPON THE GROUND." Luna's ever present royal Canterlot voice would likely lead to hearing loss later in our lives, but for now, we would have to deal with it. I placed Bloodmoon's body on the ground, and Luna's horn glowed with light as she cast her spell, banishing her to the moon, again.

"ON BEHALF OF EQUESTRIA, WE THANK YOU FOR YOUR MERITORIOUS SERVICE. YE ARE DISMISSED." With that, we bowed and showed ourselves out.

As soon as the door shut, Glenn said dumbfoundedly: "I can't believe that worked."

"You have no faith in me, and that hurts." I said, mocking a heartbroken and teary tone.

"Come on, it was so stupidly simple. A child would have thought it up. I thought it was doomed to failure from the start." Glenn continued.

"Well it worked, so SUCK IT!" I said as I flipped him off with both hands.

"Yeah. I guess. I suppose using Chrysalis as a body double was... inspired. Which begs the question... Why do we need one of Danny?" Glenn asked.

"Simple. They'll be keeping a close eye on all of us, and our only way back is most likely either you or Danny himself. The princess will want to make sure we leave, and we have no guarantees of getting back again, so we can't exactly just take Bloodmoon with us when we leave. Plus, Danny doesn't want to go back, and the only way to make sure he doesn't is for him to die, otherwise princess bitch will be hunting him. Ain't that right Danny double?" I said as I turned from Glenn to Danny.

"Yeah pretty much. Ah! careful where you put that knife, I'm trying to maintain a psychic link here. Really?" Danny turned to face me. "Is it okay if i go boneless for awhile? I've got to take care of some pressing business."

"By 'pressing business' I suppose you mean getting maimed right?" I said.

"No... We're only going to do that on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Today is surprise buttsex day. Whoever gets the most surprise buttsex in wins. Oh hang on... Speaking of... *goes silent for a minute* surprise... BUTTSEX!" This last word is screamed at a volume to rival the royal Canterlot voice, in the royal palace in Canterlot. "the best kind of buttsex. I'm totally winning by the way." He finished.

"that would be because she doesn't have a dick Danny." I responded matter-of-factly.

"It's magic bitch I ain't gotta explain shit!" He shouted before suddenly falling limply to the ground.

"So the ceremony for the medals is tomorrow right?" Vinyl asked.

"Yeah, I'd assume so." I said.

"Good. I want this to be over." Vinyl sighed in exasperation.

"Join the club." Glenn replied.

Coming sometime in the future of a certain time continuum,

In a future bereft of happiness

*A starless red sky backlights a depressing slum*

A hero will most likely rise.

Kyle: I appreciate your confidence, but I'm retired now.

He will probably have to do crazy heroic things

Twiggy: diggydiggydiggydiggy. Let's go!

Kyle: I liked the Twiggy that just made that weird noise better. But nooooo he has to talk.

Dr. Theopolis: I couldn't agree more.

There's most likely a plot somewhere.

Kyle: So you're telling me that that megaspell can take out the whole city?

Littlepip:Yep, pretty much.

Kyle: Ain't that just peachy.

I'm pretty sure there's also some sort of love thing in there.

Vinyl: Your children need you, and so do I.

Kyle: Nothing's going to stop me from coming back. You know that.

Perhaps there's an antagonist that is bad and stuff.

The bad guy: Imma rape ya bitch!

He Man: Bleh.

The original cast will most likely still be in it.

Danny: Why are you bringing me into this? And who the fuck is talking about casts?

Glenn: I am going to find Kyle, and I am going to kill him for this.

Danny: Can we have cake first?

Glenn: ...

Danny: Glenn why are you always so out of character?

Glenn: Because Kyle is the writer and he knows jack shit about me.

Danny: See? Like just now.

Glenn: Exactly. Kyle doesn't know what I would say or do in any situation.

Danny: Then how does he know what I would do?

Glenn: Because you two are both suffering from the same type of insanity. Your minds are practically linked. If you switched places, no one would notice except for the fact that Kyle just seemed to become much less sadistic and more masochist.

Danny: Are you saying I'm predictable?

Kyle: You were just about to mention all your furry porn and sexual preferences to 'prove' that you weren't predictable.

Danny: Fuck.

Coming this Christmas to a Fimfiction near you.

Glenn: You're doing this just to piss me off aren't you? I say I want this to just end, and you respond by immediately posting something saying that you are going to continue the story which I hated. You are the definition of a shallow, spiteful, stupid human being.

...

Glenn: That's what I thought.

I'm not apologizing.

Danny: My anus is ready.

Kyle: Good to know. I'll be over there.

Glenn: This trailer really deteriorated quickly didn't it?

Danny: I regret nothing.

Glenn: What about that horsecock you...

Kyle: Nope nope nope, all my nope. I don't wanna know.

Glenn: It's you writing, you made this shit up. Why the fuck would you bring it up just to have your character shoot it down? You might as well just finish it and give up the ghost of your petty morality. get the fuck over yourself and fess up to the fact that you are faker than the stupid leather jacket you wear when you want to feel like your fat ass looks cool.

Danny: I don't regret it by the way.

Kyle: Yeah, we know you don't Danny. Anything up your ass is fine with you, we get it. Very good point you make their Glenn, i couldn't have said it better myself. Oh wait... I DID!

Yep. Kyle's actually gone insane. I'll be taking over for him, so expect me in late December.

Kyle: Yeah it's still me.

Glenn: I am your voice of reason, stop writing.

Kyle: Okay.

The End

It was all finally over. Bloodmoon was dead, my wife was pregnant, and Glenn found true love in a female horse, just like me. How did i get a pony pregnant? Well you see, you take a dollop of fairy dust, mix it with sperm, and shove it up your wife's vagina. Anyway, here we were, ready to accept our medals, except for Danny because he was late like a fucking retard. Well, at least I wouldn't have to deal with him.

"A wizard is never late!" Daniel shouted as he ran down the aisle. "he arrives precisely when he means t-!" Suddenly Daniel tripped and fell, and a loud crack echoed through the room as his head hit the ground. For a moment, there was silence, as everyone in the room stood dumbfounded at the sight of Danny lying motionless on the ground, but then Glenn slowly stepped down, a stricken look across his face as he marched slowly towards our fallen friend. I followed him a moment later, an equally shocked look splitting my features. Glenn moved towards him and bent over to check his pulse.

"He's dead." Glenn said simply as he looked up. "I guess he was right, he did say if he ever fell, he would probably die." Glenn said emotionlessly. Everyone else in the room gasped except for me and Vinyl.

"Are you crying?" Glenn asked as he saw tears building up in my eyes.

"Yes!" I shouted as I began sobbing and weeping. "I just, I always loved a happy ending!" I said through my tears.

Then there was much rejoicing.

The End

Prologue, what is this? I don't even...

SilverBoulder presents

In association with Ommytehdude

A Fimfiction Film

My Strange Friends

Produced by: Knighty

Directed by: Pinkamena Diane Pie

Written by: Silver Boulder

And

OmmytehDude

Starring: SilverBoulder as: Kyle Volbrecht
OmmytehDude as: Danny
Glenn as: A boss
SilverBoulder as: Silver Boulder
and Danny as:

"The fuck is this?"

"What's your problem Danny?"

"This is bullshit that's the problem! Are you seriously going to add credits before the story starts?"

"Yeah?"

"Uhm...No"

"Why? What's wrong with credits?"

"Have you ever seen Star Wars?"

"Duh"

"You ever notice how there aren't credits before the goddamn story?"

"Yeah."

"That's what's wrong with credits. Nobrony gives a flying spaghetti monster shit about who wrote the piece of shit they're reading. They care about what's there to read. So why don't you try fixing your earlier chapters up so they don't lick so much dick?"

"Whatever. You ruined the credits anyway."

"Ruined? Fuck that. I couldn't have ruined the credits anymore than you could ruin White Chicks. It was already shit, you can't ruin shit."

"It should have had Chris Rock."

"I take back what I said. You actually could ruin shit. Get the fuck off Fimfiction."

"Nah."

"Fine. Take all the dislikes. See if I give a fuck, and by the way, you already introduced a character that doesn't come in until like the thirty-eth chapter, so great job assnuts."

"God fine! I'll take them out then asshole!"

"It's too late, people already read them. They're there for good now. at least one person probably saved the edited chapter and is going to show his friends that retarded credit sequence. You done goofed son, and now it's gonna haunt you forever. GJ bro."

"..."

It was a hot Sunday afternoon in early July, the birds were singing, and I was humming Petra's "Back to the street" as I jogged down the street to my friends house. I was already asking myself why a fat guy like myself could run down a road in record heat without breaking into a sweat that made a shower head look like a leaky faucet, but that was me over-analyzing things like I always do.

I try to visit my friend when I can, unfortunately, that's usually Sunday, after church. I go to church of course. I wouldn't be a very good robo-christian boy if didn't would I? No I go to church because I want to, they're like another family, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I may have had a religion to belong to, but my friend Danny, I couldn't really figure out what his religion was. He seemed to fluctuate between agnostic, atheist, and other weird-ass stuff I don't think they even have a name for. He was still a good friend though, so I tried not to give a flying fuck. Yes, I swear, I said I was christian, but i didn't say I was a good one.

I finally arrived at my friend's house after a few more minutes of decidedly random thoughts that aren't even worth mentioning. I walked up to the door of the unassuming single story house and knocked. I immediately heard Daniel's damn dog start barking and howling like, well, a dog. Daniel mercifully opened the door a moment later and shut the thing up.

"Hey, it's you." He said quasi-sarcastically.

"Yeah it's me." I replied in the same tone.

"Well come in dude." He said as he motioned with his hand for me to enter.

I took off my shoes by the door and went up a few steps into the living room. The living room didn't have too much in the way of furniture, it had a couch, a small table, and a recliner. What it did have, however, was a giant flat-screen, a P.S.3, and an Xbox 360, the new one. Unfortunately, none of these things were currently in use, as Danny was watching My Little Pony on his laptop while Glenn played Pokemon on his DS. As I stepped closer and fended of the dog trying to jump on me, I noticed Danny doing something else while he watched MLP.

"Hey Glenn, how's it going?" I said conversationally.

"Good." He said without looking up. Glenn was, quite possibly, one of the most antisocial guys I have ever known. He was also one of the most mellow and calm guys I have ever known. I had a feeling that if i was ever going to join the military, I would want that guy as a squad leader. Sadly, he was a bit small for military work, only about 5' 7", so I guessed I was just SOL.

"What are you doing Danny?" I said half scoldingly.

"I'm watching My Little Pony and dividing by zero." I could tell he was being serious by the way he said it, but that didn't make it any less funny.

"Why?" It was about the only question I could ask at that point.

"Because I feel like it." He said and then shrugged.

"don't you think that's a complete waste of time?" I asked as I walked around the couch to sit down next to him.

"Nah." He said without looking up from what he was doing.

As I looked at the screen, I saw a growing block of zeros and forward slashes filling up his internet downloaded special calculator.

"How long have you been doing this?" I asked nonchalantly.

"A few minutes. Hey, why don't you make us some food." He said quickly.

"This is your house you asshole, you make it. what do I look like a fuckin' butler?" I retorted half-angrily half-jokingly.

"Actually, you kinda-." Danny began.

"Shut it." I said threateningly.

Daniel laughed for a moment before saying: "But seriously, I'm hungry, you should make something."

I just looked at him strangely for a moment.

"Not sure if serious or troll." I invoked the phrase with heavy sarcasm, as was tradition. It was Danny's turn to stare blankly at me now.

"I'm serious." He said after a few seconds.

"Fuck that shit dude." I said evenly.

"Okay then." He said, and went back to typing in more slashes and zeros.

Glenn meanwhile, had gone to the bathroom for the moment, and returned shortly after we finished our conversation.

"Hey Glenn, I just ran out of space for more numbers on the calculator, let's see what answer it gives us." Danny said as Glenn walked back to sit down on the couch.

"You know it's just gonna be zero right?" I said smartly.

"You never know, maybe the maker left some weird coding in that shows porn if you divide by zero a lot." Danny said jokingly.

"Seriously dude? Porn? Yeah you know, cause porn sites don't exist and you just love making a hobby out of working real hard for shitty things. I could getting a woman to undress herself and it would be faster and easier than dividing by zero on an internet calculator." I transitioned from sarcasm to matter-fact to outright scolding throughout the course of my tirade.

"You done?" Glenn and Danny both said simultaneously.

"Yes." I sighed in defeat.

"Alright, let's see what we get." Danny said.

He moved his finger slowly and dramatically towards the enter button, and dramatic music started playing from Glenn's IPod. Of course, me being somehow as much of a jackass as the agnostic sitting next to me, I just quickly pressed enter button. They both looked at me like I was the devil, but then turned their heads back to the screen to look at the answer: 1

"What the hell?" I said with alarm evident in my voice.

Suddenly, a strange distortion began to appear on the screen, beginning in the center and slowly swirling outwards.

"See, I told you the programmer might have left some weird stuff." Said Danny triumphantly.

The swirling vortex continued to expand outwards from the center of the screen, like a black hole that has caught a star. This continued even after Danny closed the page.

"Why is this still happening?" I said curiously.

"Maybe we opened a portal." Said Danny jokingly.

"Nah that's cliche." I replied

Suddenly, the distortion stopped, and seemed to swirl back iin on itself and disappear.

"See, just a weird glich in your computer." I said flatly.

At that second, God played what is perhaps the greatest joke that has ever been played on a human being since at least 1000 A.D. The distortion suddenly exploded outwards and enveloped the three of us in the fabric of unreality, comedic irony, and a tasty three course meal of my own words.

The trip through the portal looked a lot like the doctor who opening titles, we were falling, rising and tumbling like the TARDIS. The trip seemed to take about three seconds though, which was just enought time for me to freak out and start a nervous breakdown before I was hurled bodily into the ground. Luckily, the ground was fucking hard, so I had the air shot out of my lungs before I could scream like a maniac from sheer terror.

After a few minutes of lying on the ground trying not to go into shock, I finally got my balls back and decided to look around. The first two things of interest I saw were Glenn and Daniel. both were face down on the ground like I had been a moment ago. Being that i was certified in lifeguarding, my instincts bid me to make sure they were okay, I checked Daniel for signs of life, He had been knocked unconscious from the fall, but he'd be fine. Next, over to Glenn, he was okay too, except for his arm. he had fallen on top of it, and it looked broken. Not so good. All in all, it wasn't so bad. We just didn't know where we were.

It seemed my friends were out of action for a moment, so I did the first thing that came to mind, i looked around some more. We were in a small clearing in a brightly colored forest. There weren't any animals in sight, which I guessed was a good thing. Or a really bad thing. I looked up to the sky, it was rather cloudy, and seemed to promise rain later. At that point I did what most any crazy christian would do. I prayed to God.

"Lord, thank you for protecting us and keeping us safe during whatever just happened, and please let's not do that again for a bit. That being said, WHERE IN THE NAME OF YOU AM I!" I shouted at the top of my lungs into the sky.

Suddenly, a hole seemed to part in the clouds, and a head looked through as the sun shone behind it. I had a brief vision of monty python and the quest for the holy grail before a slightly sandy sounding girls voice spoke out.

"You're in the Everfree forest. What are you anyway?.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. Of course it would be ponies, it's always ponies. Rainbow Dash stared at me with a quizzical look etched on her face, and I stared back with a look of pure shock. At that moment, only one thought was in my head, and it was soon put to words.

"SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?"

Fifty Shades of F***ed

Fifty Shades of F***ed

A group of pissed off changelings was currently charging me at mach 2. The fuck was I supposed to do now?

"Kyle." A voice echoed through my brain like a gentle breeze.

"Kyle."

Seriously? What the fuck?

"Kyle."

Nothing for it I guess.

"Kyle."

"What?"

"It's me Danny."

"What do you want? I'm in the middle of something."

"I know. I came to ask you if you tried working the shaft."

"Dude. Fuck off."

"Why are you always so mad?"

"I'm mad because there are a bunch of things trying to kill me and I can't get any help from you."

"Who's fault is that?"

"What do you want Danny?"

"Well I would like to know where you are."

"Are you my fucking mother?"

"Mehbe."

"How 'bout no you are fucking not."

"Does time pause when we speak?"

"What?"

"Why does it seem like nothing happens when we start talking?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, you're fighting a bunch of guys right now, and yet you have time to get into a lengthy conversation with me about trivial subjects."

"Why would you start a conversation on trivial subjects with me if you knew that I was in the middle of an epic boss battle?"

"I was hoping I could distract you long enough for them to take you out so I could come in and save the day with Pinkie Pie."

"Sure, 'cause that'll happen."

"5"

"Dude. You can't be serious."

"4"

"How did you get in my head in the first place?"

"3"

"Please tell me you were lying about Pinkie Pie."

"Why would Danny lie about me?"

"2"

"How the hell did you end up in my head?"

"1"

"Well you see, it all started when I was a rock farmer in-" As a christian man, I count my blessings. Her story being interrupted remains one of the greatest I have received.

The roof of the crystal caverns cracked under the weight of some massively heavy object. A large chunk of quartz was forcibly torn from the ceiling, and came plummeting downwards. The millions of reflective shards falling like small flechettes on to the heads of both the changelings, and my own person. A pink blur momentarily crossed my vision before I blacked out, and I said a momentary prayer thanking God for sparing me another conversation with her before oblivion took me.

*********************

I awoke in a bright green meadow among frolicking animals and bright pastel wild flowers. I was certain this was no heaven, but it was still a pretty good place to be. A perfectly cool breeze wafted through my hair and blew over my entire body. I could get used to a place like this.

I did a quick 360 and saw nothing but endless rolling hills covered in green grass, populated by deer, rabbits, and squirrels. I was quite suddenly reminded of Corruption of Champions, but I couldn't quite figure out why. All I knew was that that game was messed up, but was still easier to read than most books by John Grisham, and by all accounts it had a better plot than 50 Shades of Gray.

I could finally savour the sweet sound of silence. No more retarded queens trying half-assedly to kill me. No more Danny to fuck around with me. No more horny wife begging me to have sex, though I could have lived with that one honestly. And lastly, but most importantly, no more Pinkie Pie.

"Hi ya Kyle!"

"HOLY COCK-FARTING-FUCKLE-BAGS!" And suddenly, Pinkie Pie. I would say this was just my luck, but I think "Kyle's Luck" is an oxymoron anyway.

*Le Pinkie laugh and snort* "Sorry! Didn't mean to scare you!" Pinkie was as annoying and optimistic as ever. I was starting to wonder if Lauren Faust had tried to take a page from Spongebob when she created this character. Or maybe I was just like Squidward.

"Pinkie, how did you get here?" I was so seethingly angry at that moment that my voice was actually polite, and calm. Even though I could literally envision myself tearing her head off and eating her vital organs.

"Well, it all started when my mommy and my daddy got married and decided they wanted to have a baby. So they did a little romance, and then went down hard on each other like worshippers in some pagan ritu-"

"I mean how did you get to this place?"

"I dunno."

"How can you not know?"

"I dunno."

*sigh*

"Aww don't be sad Kyle, at least we have each other!" That thought actually sent me into sobs as I realized that there was quite possibly no way out of this place, and I was now stuck with one of the only living things in existance that could annoy the living crap out of me. The only things that could have been worse were being stuck here with Barrack Obama, Satan or anyone from Westborough Baptist Church.

"And the army goes marching to he- what the? Where in the name of God am I?" Because Jesus forbid I not have to deal with shitty things every day for the rest of my life.

"Who are you?"

"Kyle."

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name?" Maybe Pinkie could annoy her so much that she killed herself. Then families of dead soldiers would have one less trolly bitch to deal with.

"Get out of my way you faggy bitch!" Well, she certainly jumped to conclusions.

"What's a faggy bitch? Is that a type of cake? I love cake!" The bitchy woman ignored her and instead steered course for me. The last thing I wanted was some middle-aged, Kansas-grown, Westborough-raised thundercunt within twenty yards of me.

"Where in God's name am I?"

"I have absolutely no idea." Any minute she was going to start something, I was sure of it.

"Then how are you here?"

"I don't know."

"How can you not know?"

"Do YOU have any idea how you got here?"

"No."

"There you go."

"Great. Just great. I'm stuck here with a talking pink pony fag and a dumb teenager. What next?"

"Could be worse."

"How?"

"You could be in hell."

"Ha! Only fags like you go to hell."

"Fucks sake woman. How did you pass law school when you can't keep your trap shut?"

"Pfft. Only an idiot like you wou- How did you know I went to law school?"

"Aren't you a Phelps-Roper?"

"How do you know my last name?"

"It all started when I was a little gay, half-black, quarter jewish, quarter hispanic, Christian, baby daddy Swede growing up in rural Kansas."

"What?"

"Nevermind. I heard about you when a kid at my school decided to do a research paper on your church."

"Hah! It's good to hear that children are finally embracing the truth."

"Actually, It was a research paper on the macabre."

"What?"

"Anyway, me and a few friends started looking up your church in Google, and after looking through all the memes we finally got to your website."

"And?"

"It had been seized by Anonymous because you violated their rule against excessive trolling and extreme dickery."

"Damn Anon fags."

"Yeah, we were very besorrowed, we were so sad in fact, that we got back to work and didn't give it another thought."

"Are you trying to make a fool of me?"

"You're already an intolerant, annoying, troll loving, minority hating, ugly, fuckfaced, cock-loving, America-hating, Swede-hating, Jew-hating, Army-hating, terrorist-loving, dick-faced thundercunt. You may just as fucking well be a fool as far as anyone else is concerned. It's not like anyone could ever possibly hate you anymore than they already do."

"Oh. Touched a nerve did I?"

"No. You just suck balls."

"The only one here who sucks any sort of genitalia is you."

"Are we talking about pussy here? 'Cause I could live with that."

"You're a real pig. You know that?"

"And you are a senile, fat old sow. Did you know that?"

*bitch slap* (As in slapped by a bitch)

"Fuck you you faggot bastard!"

"Aww. Did I make the boorish little intolerant angry? That's a real shame. And by the way, I know exactly who both of my parents are, and they are currently married to each-other, so I am not a bastard. I also like women and only women, so I am not a faggot."

" *Growl* I am going to fucking-" Unfortunately, I would never hear her annoying threat, a pair of pretty pink hooves bucked her in the face and sent flying straight into coma land.

"Wow. She was really annoying." I was too busy trying to pick up my jaw from where it was on the ground to reply for a moment.

"What was that Pinkie?"

"That was me bucking a really annoying lady in the face Kyle. Duh."

"Yeah i know, but why did you do it? What happened to love and tolerate?"

"Yeah! I loved and tolerated her for a while, but then she got really mean, and then you started gettin all mean too, and I didn't think it was ever gonna end. then I got an idea! So I decided to end it myself!"

"How'd you decide who to knock out?"

"Simple! I took the sqaure root of pie times theta cubed, multiplied it by E=MC squared over A squared + B Squared, set it all over 34 times Toby, then divided by the sum of the hypotenuse, and the rise of a 45, 45, 90 triangle with a run of the cubed root of 233 times the sine of 34 and voila!"

"That was a very strange and outlandish way of choosing who to kick in the face."

"Is that what we were talking about?"

"Why do I even bother?"

"I dunno. Hey guys, why does he bother? And what does he bother about?"

"Pinkie, stop trying to break the fourth wall. No one is going to see this ever."

"No one important. Except maybe Bryce, that guy is pretty nice."

"What are you even talking about?"

"Or maybe that eye booger guy."

"Pinkie."

"Or the bug person."

"Pin-kie."

"I think those are the only ones actually.

"Seriously Pinkie. Stop with the fourth wall bullshit. No one cares."

"Oh wait! there was that Dev guy, but I think he got bored."

"How do we get out of here?"

"Uhhh hmmm. Did you try working the shaft?"

"Piiiinnnnkiiieee."

"Okay okay. Uhhhh. Try clicking your heels together and saying "there's no place like home." Then we'll try something else."

"It's a good thing you aren't saying this to other people, because no one would get that joke."

"What joke?"

"Are you trying to tell me that you don't know about the Wizard of Oz, yet somehow managed to magically- I think I get it now."

"Just try it. Pleeeeeaaaaaaassssseee?"

"Fine."

I clacked the heels of my boots together and said the iconic phrase, and lo and behold I found myself being pulled to a different plane of existance.

I awoke to an ugly blonde-haired asshole's face encompassing about half my field of vision, and a pink pony occupying the other half. My first instinct was to headbutt it, but I decided to go against my better judgement and see if he had something to say.

"How was coma land?" Daniel really knew how to lead off a conversation.

"Exactly how did I end up in coma land?"

"Falling debris."

"But I thought you came up behind him and-"

"Pinkie!"

"Sorry Danny."

"What happened Danny?"

"Well, after you got sent to la la land by a giant chunk of crystal, Pinkie and I beat the shit out of Chrysalis and saved everybody!"

"Really?"

"Naw, we got captured."

Chapter Title: Chapter Title: Chapter Title: Chapter Title: Chapter Title: Chapter Title: Chapter Title: ...

I woke up in morning feeling like I was hit by a jack-hammer, my mouth had a taste that I'm unsure how to describe in it. But this didn't really matter to me that much, I always woke up like this, any time I got more than two hours of sleep, sometimes even two hours was all I needed. And people wonder why I tend to avoid sleeping a lot. I was, of course, the first to wake up, mostly due to my initial discomfort. I sat up in place and looked around me, my friends asleep and it seems Twilight and Spike were upstairs in their bedroom, which I couldn't really expect different.

"Well shit, I don't think it's going to be exactly easy to get a shower here..." I comment to myself in an already slightly frustrated tone, my voice gravelly due to my both slimy and dry throat.

"Actually, there is a bath in the other room, if you need it" Came a familiar calm, intelligent voice. It was Twilight, smiling at me with a kind smile. I smiled back at her, but only for a moment.

"Thanks, I'll just be a bit" I say calmly and relatively cheerfully, as well as I can, considering my condition whenever I wake up. I make my way past her to the room she directed me to, closing the door behind me mostly out of reflex for privacy, though that didn't seem that necessary in this universe.

I took a bath that lasted about 25 minutes, both cleaning myself and letting myself relax, preparing for another day to be sarcastic and carefree. It took a little prep in the morning to be me, what can I say?

A knock on the door interrupted my relaxed state in the bath, followed by Twilight's voice. "Are you okay in there? After the ordeals yesterday I hope you didn't pass out in the bath..." she says in a slightly worried tone, concerned for my safety, I guess.

"Yea, I'm fine, I'll be out in a second" I say, my voice loose and relaxed again, cheerful but calm, like always, a state of total lack of caring. He get out of the bath and make my way to the towel rack, drying myself off before redressing myself in my, at this point, tattered and torn clothes. But hey, at least all my technology was in one piece.

I come out of the bathroom, giving twilight a quick, fairly unnoticeable smile before making my way to Kyle, shaking him awake from his own state of rest. He stirred before looking at me and frowning a bit then sitting up.

"Well, guess we should prepare for another day of insanity. You look good, take a nice shower or something?" he says sarcastically to me with a slight smirk, I guessed he was thinking himself above me for being able to handle himself better without a morning routine like my own. I disregarded the thought, not many people knew I had a routine to make myself relaxed throughout the day.

"Yea, actually, I had a nice, long bath. And you can too, right in that other room, nice relaxing warm bath." I say with another quick smile, unnoticeable, I like to try to smile, though it's not a natural thing for me.

As anyone would, or should, in this case, Kyle got up and went to the other room, closing the door like I did. I made my way to Glenn next, shaking him and telling him to wake up. He woke up quicker than Kyle but was slower to sit up. After sitting up he looked at me through squinted eyes and asked. "So hows my hair?" in a semi-sarcastic tone, smiling at his comment.

"Looks like you lost a fight with a fresh helium balloon, mine?" I reply, giving him a slightly longer smile than I give most, it was still hard to notice, since my smiles never got very big.

"Looks like you took a bath and didn't brush your hair after drying off, which I assume, is what Kyle is in the process of doing?" Glenn replies, combing down his hair with his hands.

"Eeyup, he's bathing right now, I figure he'll take his time much like I did. Anyway, what should we do today in Ponyville? Or should we start asking questions about getting back home?" I ask his opinion, not really caring either way myself, I could stay here or go back, though I did kind of miss my internet.

"Ehhh I was planning on visiting Fluttershy again, as you are well aware she is best pony" I laugh a bit at that, nodding slightly.

"Well, after the previous events, I don't think that you should go too far from my or Kyle's line of sight. You are the...no offense, weakest of this group and least likely to be able to protect yourself. So if you'll be seeing Fluttershy we have to go as a group or she has to come here, sorry" I explain calmly, shrugging slightly as I do.

"Yeaa, I understand, Maybe we can go see Fluttershy as a group later. Speaking of which, my memory of yesterday and last night are a little fuzzy, what happened?" He asks curiously, at which point I realize why he was giving even less fucks the last couple days then normally.

"A lot of things, after we came here, you must have gone into shock shortly after...hmm I'll assume it happened shortly after the party, maybe the moment you were kidnapped. The combination of the broken arm and the kidnapping must have sent you into full blown shock, at which point you had no choice but to filter everything, which you seemed to do with your DS." I explain, nodding at my deduction of his psychological state.

"I guess that makes sense, I won't question further. probably isn't good to bring memories back from a period of time which I was in shock. Or not, I dunno. Anyway, think I should bathe too? I probably smell like shit" he says with a slight smirk, amused with himself, I guessed.

I leaned in a little and sniffed him, exaggerating the result by quickly reeling away. "Smells like a dump combined with a skunk and a few pieces of elephant gunk" I rhyme, laughing and amused with myself, maybe a little too much so. I stop laughing soon enough and hear Kyle coming out of the bathing room.

"Wow we really need a change of cloths these rags are ruined now." He comments, and I laugh a bit too much again, like I did at my joke. I don't really know why, it wasn't even that funny but I laughed anyway, in that strange way you laugh when you don't know what else to do but laugh.

Kyle just gave me a look that said 'you seem a little insane' and I stopped, catching my breath a little. I look over at Glenn who was already making his way to the bath. Well enough, I had business of my own to tend to. Leaving Kyle to whatever he wanted to do I quickly made my way upstairs. I was never much for reading for knowledge, unless knowledge came with relaxation or entertainment, which for me, it usually did. But I needed to learn a few things and get to know this world a little better. I found my way to the section of the library that was on magic and magic usage.

Quickly, I found a book on power spells, as well as healing spells and a few transportation and trick spells. I wanted to get myself an understanding of the magic I would likely be using for the next while. I started reading with the same ferocity as Twilight often did. After a few hours a thought passed through my mind. Where the hell was Twilight and Ahriman?

As if they read my mind, or something, they came into the room, looking at me curiously. “I see you’ve taken an interest in my books, are you having a good time learning?” Twilight asks with a wide smile, happy to see another face eager to learn. Ahriman looked down at me with annoyance, seeing as I may or may not be one of the most arrogant types of people.

“Yea, I figured that if I would spend my free time on anything, it would be on this. I’ve gotten through a few books” I say, motioning to the stack of a dozen or so books to my right. The magic I had attained gave me the ability to read much faster, maybe because it forced my mind to process things faster than normal.

“Perhaps the purple equine is not the only one I might have an intelligent conversation with. What was your name again?” Ahriman asks me and I shrug at his comment as I answer “Name’s Danny, though I prefer my nickname, Ommy. I won’t guarantee you that much intelligence coming out of me, most of my thoughts and knowledge is based off of theoretical concepts, and I learn what I can along the way” I comment and go back to my reading, the two looking at me quizzically.

Out of habit, I turn the pages with my hands, though every now and again while I am twiddling my thumbs or picking my nails I continue reading and use my magic to turn the pages with ease. Twilight and Ahriman seem almost enthralled by the simple act of my reading and gaining knowledge. Maybe they sensed how uncommon this was for me, or maybe they sensed that most the ‘knowledge’ I had was based on luck rather than books.

I disregarded them as I continued reading, until I finally looked over at them, slightly annoyed, but keeping my relaxed, carefree nature. “You know, taking a picture lasts much longer, and you’re not forced to stand the whole time you look at it” I say in a slightly sarcastic tone and chuckle at my comment before looking back to the book.

“have you…learned anything from this? Any new information, or spells? What can you do with magic?” Twilight asks, curious and seeming to want to somehow gain knowledge from my own gain of knowledge, however that works. I teleport myself into the air, floating there with a levitation spell, a bored expression on my face as I continue reading the now levitating book.

Twilight seems very happy at this, clapping her hooves together as if she is impressed by my act. Though, I knew she could most likely do better, it was strange how I could abuse my power and she just used it when it was needed. It showed how much more I took for granted the things I have.

I finished the book that I had been reading, effectively finishing the pile of books I had started with. Descending back to the ground I placed the book on the stack of finished books before walking past her to go back downstairs. I had learned a lot in those few hours, and I had a hunch I would need to use it soon. But then again I’m a paranoid weirdo, so who cares?

Author's Note

Hey, Ommy(or 'Danny' for most people) here. I guess I wrote this chapter with a little, or maybe a lot more insight into my perspective on things, and how I view the world and work towards whatever i feel like.
Over all, I'm happy with this chapter though..I had a lot of grammatical help from my friend >w>