Necronomicomedy: The Evil Joke Book

by Arkanids

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Random, Violence
Length: 2861

Starlight Glimmer finds a book in the basement of the Friendship Castle, it's unlabeled and gives off a unsettling vibe; so she ask Twilight to help study it's contents. What they find is both interesting and disturbing. But also funny!

Starlight Glimmer finds a book in the basement of the Friendship Castle. It gives off a bad vibe, so Starlight asks Twilight to help study it's contents. What they find is both interesting and disturbing. But also humorous!

Warning: Dark humor. If you are easily offended or don't like dark humor then it's smart to avoid this story.
Otherwise, I hope you Enjoy you wonderful people!
Proofread/edited by DragonGeek

Published 2017-06-15 17:10:10 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-15 17:10:10 UTC

Dark Humor is best Humor! (Edited)

"All right girls, I'll see you later. I have a few things to organize before I go to bed."

"N'ght Twilight."
"Later egghead."
"See you tomorrow darling,"
"Good night Twilight."
"Gooooood Niiiiiighhht~"

Twilight Sparkle waved farewell to her five friends before closing the door to her crystal castle. She still can't get used to that. HER OWN CASTLE! It was already half a year since she had gotten it, but the daunting feeling stood with her. It was only when her friends used the remains of her old tree home to create a chandelier with mementos of her past experience in Ponyville that she felt comfortable living here. At least she wasn't alone. She had both Spike, her number one assistant, and Starlight, her new student.

"Spike, Starlight, I'm back!" she called out, but received no response. "Guys? Are you here?" she called out again, this time emitting a response from the map room.

"Over here Twilight!" yelled spike.

The Alicorn walked towards the part of the castle that has the cutie map. Expecting to find Spike reading a comic while munching on gems, she was surprised to find both Spike and Starlight observing a closed book with a black cover. Spike was on the table while Starlight was standing near it and focusing on the book, not even registering that Twilight just walked in.

"Hey guys, what are you two doing?" Twilight said. Starlight finally looked from the book towards her mentor with a look of concern. That already made Twilight worried.

"What's wrong Starlight? Did something happen?" asked Twilight.

"I found this book in the castles basement. I haven't opened it yet because I kept getting this... vibe from it, an unpleasant one that has me concerned about what's inside,” Starlight said. "I've been holding my curiosity at bay thanks to Spike keeping me occupied till you came back." Spike puffed out his chest when he was mentioned helping.

"What were you doing in the basement in the first place?" Twilight pried, genuinely curious about the reason—and a little surprised that she even had a basement that she hadn’t found after all this time.

Starlight gave her a sheepish look while rubbing the back of her neck with a hoof. "I kinda got... lost... and stumbled onto a door I haven't seen before. I opened it hoping I would find my way back but instead saw stairs leading down into a dark room." Admitting she’d gotten lost had been embarrassing, but now that it was over she recovered. "Curiosity got the best of me and I went to check it out, using my horn as a light source. I found a bookshelf with unmarked and untitled books. Some were just old dictionaries, outdated spell books, or too faded to read. But once I touched this book-" she pointed at the black book on the table "-I got a bad feeling about it. As of it were ‘evil’ in some way."

Twilight had a questioning look on her face. She looked at Spike for what he had to say. "It's true, Twilight, just touch it and see for yourself."

Rolling her eyes she walked up to the book. There was nothing on it to say what it might contain or who would have written it; no information on the cover or spine, and if she were to flip it over, she was pretty sure the back would also be blank.

"Seriously guys, it's just a book. There shouldn't be anything wrong with it to give off a-" She didn't finish, for when her hoof made contact with the cover she had a feeling of dread coursing through her body. Twilight retracted her hoof and took a few steps back with out saying a word.

No one moved or said anything for a full minute. Twilight finally broke the silence.

"Okay, point taken. We're taking this book to the testing area. Now."

After several spells and gathering research for about an hour, Starlight and Twilight had come up with a conclusion about the mysterious properties of the ominous and dread-inducing book.

It was just an ordinary book on a small table with no special qualities at all. Which only aggravated them since a normal book shouldn't give off such a bad vibe.

So instead of giving up, they cast several wards and enchantments on themselves and the surrounding area for safety reasons before they opened the book. Spike was also there, but viewing the whole thing from the safety of another room with an enchanted fiberglass window that was a few meters away from the ponies. He even had a scroll in his claws that requested help from Princess Celestia herself—if things went horribly wrong (like they usually did), then he'd send it.

"Is everything ready Starlight?"

"Just one more...” *pop* “Done! Alright, ready when you are, Twilight."

With out waiting another second Twilight took a defensive stance and magically opened the book from a distance. She waited a few seconds for anything to pop up, explode or do anything at all. But when nothing happened she walked up and looked at the first page.

"Necro-nomi-comedy? What?"

Starlight walked up next to her teacher to see what she was talking about. Sure enough the title of the book was 'Necronomicomedy, The Evil Joke Book' by several anonymous authors and an unknown publisher.

"So this is a joke book. All this time and effort, for a joke book..." Starlight rubbed the bridge of her muzzle with a fetlock and sighed. “Alright, let's just read it."

"But wait l! It says it's 'evil'! Plus, what about that ominous feeling from before!" Twilight argued.

"Twilight, it's a joke book. With no magic or extraordinary powers. It's probably just a bunch of bad jokes that 'Evil Overlords' use for comedic relief. And the reason it feels so ominous is because an evil being read it before and left their aura on it or something," she stated.

Her words calmed Twilight down, and after a few moments, she nodded. "Alright, let's start from the beginning."

"Twi, it's a joke book. Just flip to a random page and read a passage. We already wasted a lot of time checking it for magic and I just wanna hit the hay already." To emphasize her point, she magically flips to a random page in the book and reads with Twilight.

"eemmm guys? What going on?" Spike asked through the glass window. Neither of the mares were able to hear him, thanks to their distance and the glass muffling his voice. With nothing telling the mares to stop, they began to read the book.

Pet Dog: An old griffin sits on the porch of a house, with a dog laying in the yard. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a pony jogger asks.
The griffin looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs. As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old griffin flips to the next passage and mutters, "Ain't my dog."

Both mares were speechless, staring at the passage with wide eyes. After a few seconds Twilight spoke.

"That was..."

"Hilarious!" Starlight finished while giggling to herself.

"W- Wh- N-NO! That's just cruel! How is that funny in anyway!" Twilight exclaimed, with horror etched on her face.

"Well you see, the jogger asked if HIS dog bites but that wasn't h-"

"I KNOW THAT! I mean how do you find THAT funny?!"

"Don't worry Twilight, it's just a joke book. None of this actually happened. And you have to admit, that WAS clever writing."

"Guys, what's happening?"

"Look, Twi, I bet there are a few jokes in here that'll make you laugh too. Let's just read the next page," Starlight suggested. Before Twilight had the chance to say anything, Starlight started reading. Twilight just sighed and read along as well.

Last Night Lovin: After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live. His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget."
They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate.
Later, as she is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, I know it's getting late, but I think we can do it one more time."
"That's easy for you to say," she complains. "You don't have to get up in the morning"

Twilight had a contemplative expression on her face while Starlight giggled some more.

"Bob. That's a griffin name. This book was probably made my them. I still don't know how others find that funny?" Twilight said. "I know that their culture is different, but still!"

"Trust me there's one in here you'll like, just have to find it is all." Starlight said while suppressing a chuckle.

"Guys I can't hear what you’re saying, should I call the princess?"

The mares couldn't hear him as they started to read another page.

Order in the Court: A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage stallion with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a pony shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a papercolt with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailmare with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

Starlight was on her back laughing like a mad mare while Twilight was trying to close her jaw, which had dropped after reading the last sentence.

"H-How is death supposed to be- I just- wha..." Twilight said, now registering that her student was laughing uncontrollably.

"The door is stuck! I can't get out!"

"I'm... I'm sorry. That one got me off guard." Starlight said after standing up and composing herself. Twilight just kept looking at her as if she just done something insane. In fact, she was starting to believe that Starlight had.

"Let's just read another, okay?" Starlight requested. Twilight slowly nodded, wanting to forget what just happened.

"Guys, I have to pee!"

Frog Talk: A grandson runs up to his grandfather and asks him if he can talk like a frog. "Of course not," says the grandfather. A few minutes later, his granddaughter asks him the same question. "No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?"
The granddaughter replies, "Dad said that when you croak, we can have a family vacation!"

"No. Just no. They’re all just terrible! They're just so- Stop laughing!"

"That- that was almost as good as the last!" She said through tears "Who ever made this book was a genius! I haven't laughed this hard in, well, EVER! C’mon you can't say THAT one didn't make you chuckle a little."

"No. I didn't. This are just so cruel, and vile, and wrong in so many ways! How you find them funny is beyond me!" Twilight exclaimed.

"Okay, trust me. One of these will make you laugh. Well just find it and you see that it actually isn't so bad. Seriously, I thought this was just a waste of time, but by Celestia I'm so happy I was wrong!"

Starlight flipped to another page, not hearing the banging on glass and wails for help coming from the adjacent room.

Waste Not: Two men were talking about a friend who had recently passed away.
"By the time Jack died, he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, and two plastic hooves!"
“Where did they bury him?'"
"They didn't bury him -- he was recycled!"

Twilight didn't even say anything as Starlight was snickering and failing to compose herself.

"Okay, bad example. Let's try... Oh look! A bunch of one-liners! One of these should make you at least see that it's not so bad!"

Twilight didn't even respond, she just let Starlight do her own thing. She started to notice a banging noise coming from somewhere nearby.

Hostage situation: If a schizophrenic threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
Second chances: If at first you don't succeed, sky diving isn't for you.
Cremation: Most people when they're cremated, they want their ashes to be released over the ocean or maybe the grave of a loved one. I'd like to be sprinkled over the food of someone I don't like. I think it'd be the ultimate way to say, 'Eat me.'
Return: A zebra walks into a library, asking the librarian for a book about suicide.
"Buzz off! You won't bring it back."
Bragging Warrior: "After 4 years of fighting I was only shot by an arrow once!" bragged the minotaur to his son.
His wife walks in and places a plate of food in front of him and his son. "If I only aimed a little higher than I would have shot you in the head and I wouldn't have to deal with this shit," she mutters under her breath.

Starlight was so enthralled with what she was reading that she failed to notice that a certain alicorn went missing.

Twilight left shortly after her student started reading again and helped Spike get out of the room he’d been stuck in. With out saying a word he ran past her and towards the bathroom, dropping a scroll in front of her in the process. She was confused for a moment, then picked it up and read it.

"Hmmmm." She’d just gotten an idea.

The next day, Starlight finally went to bed after reading for another 2 hours. Twilight sent the book to Celestia with a scroll explaining what the book was about in hopes of finding the authors and publisher and placing them into a mental institution for creating such monstrous literature.

She did so in the morning before Starlight woke up. When her student realized that her "favorite book" was gone she complained for a long time. Finally, she decided it was a lost cause, and they spent an enjoyable day with their other friends. Twilight asked Starlight to not talk about the book to them and she agreed, though reluctantly.

It was late now and everypony began heading home after spending all day together. Starlight went to her room to make up for her late night read. Twilight was about to do the same when Spike ran up to her with a scroll in his claws.

"Twilight, a letter from Princess Celestia! It's about that book you send her!"

"Thanks Spike. I knew that sending it to her was the right thing to do,” she said.

"It came a few hours ago. I didn't bring it to you immediately, because it didn’t have the seal all her urgent mail has." He yawned. "I'll go to bed now, if that's alright with you Twi."

She nodded and Spike went off to bed. Twilight walked into the cutie map room and sat down in her chair before breaking the seal and opening the scroll.

Dear Twilight Sparkle

I received the book you sent me and read over your report of it as soon as they arrived. And I must say, I'm surprised that you had such a resentment to it. I haven't laughed this much in centuries! If you find another, please send it too! Thank you.

Your former teacher and friend,
Celestia

Twilight's left eye twitched and her hair began to stand on end. She magically tore the scroll apart, screaming so loudly all of Ponyville heard it.

Author's Note

I do realize that the jokes weren't all that dark (or I'm just really that messed up) but do understand that it is difficult to come up with pony related jokes that are MLP related only. If I were to use something like 'The different between Jesus and a picture of Jesus is that it takes one nail to hang the picture.' The meaning of that would be lost to them, same goes for politics, history and memes. So it was more difficult than I expected when I started writing this. Also the jokes were created/found on the internet by me and my friends if your wondering. Anyway, enough ranting, I hope you all enjoyed it at least a little. If not then all I have to say is...