Like a Vacation

by Agrith

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Queen Chrysalis
Length: 8714

Self insert HiE

A boring day for me becomes really interesting when I discover a changeling plushie in my room that happens to be alive. I manage to anger Queen Chrysalis when she comes to rescue it and now I'm stuck in Equestria until things cool down a little bit back home. I try to think of it as a vacation, but don't you usually relax on vacations? And actually go home?

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A first person, self-insert. I know it has kind of been over done, but I'm just starting out writing fan fiction so I need something to start with. Rated teen for moderate swearing and a slight torture scene.

Published 2012-07-13 20:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-07 21:24:14 UTC

Chapter 1: Prologue

Chapter 1: Prologue

“In other news I am completely out of my mind,” I said to myself, “For the full story, let’s take it over to the chest at the foot of my bed. Azure.”

I pointed at my dolphin plushie. Silence.

“And how is the rest of the world dealing with it?”

Silence.

“Is there anything you recommend our viewers do to avoid something like this?”

Silence.

“Look, I know I’m bored and the incident with the lighter was completely uncalled for, but can you at least do something?”

Silence.

“Fuck you.”

I spun around in my chair, thinking of anything to occupy my mind. I looked at my book shelves.

“Read them all. Don’t feel like rereading.”

My nerf guns.

“No one to shoot and I hate picking up the bullets.”

My laptop.

“I know you get lonely but I need to spend time with all the other things I have. I can watch ponies later.”

I sighed and spun around some more, contemplating on my boredom. It wasn’t a lack of things to do, I just didn’t feel like doing anything. I looked over at all my stuffed animals, hoping for a spark of inspiration. Nothing.

“Wait a sec,” I said.

I got up and walked over to the stuffed animals.

“What the hell is that?” I said as I picked up one I didn’t recognize.

It was a black, four legged thing with translucent wings. Its eyes were blue and it had a small horn on its head.

“A changeling? Since when do I have a changeling plushie?” I said to myself.

I thought for I minute on how the plushie got here in the first place before I shrugged.

“Meh. Looks nice, though I would have preferred a Fluttershy. But beggars can’t be choosers, or whatever the hell I am.”

A rustling from behind me caused my head to turn. I saw nothing but felt a pain in my wrist. I yelled and dropped the plushie. I looked at my wrist and saw two little puncture marks oozing blood slightly. I sucked the blood up with my mouth as I made my way to the bathroom.

“Little bastard,” I mumbled to myself as I cleaned the wound.

It didn’t occur to me until I put a bandage on that it was just a plushie.

“Then how in the hell did you bite me?” I asked it as I walked back into my room.

It was standing up on its legs staring at the door.

“No way in hell that’s how I left you.”

I picked it up and could have sworn it was smirking at me.

“You think that was funny? Well let’s see how you like barbeque.”

I looked over at Azure.

“No offense.”

I went into the kitchen and grabbed some matches and lighter fluid. I went outside and threw the plushie into the fire pit. I doused the fire pit in lighter fluid, careful not to splash it everywhere. After I felt it was soaked enough, I lit a match and looked at the plushie. I smiled.

“I like me changeling crisp,” I said as I threw the match into the pit.

Common sense told to the stay back several feet, but I still felt like I got crisped. I stood there until the flames died down.

“Now you’ll think twice before biting meeeee…what the hell?!”

I looked into the dying flames to see the plushie, completely unharmed.

“You little bastard. How dare you be fireproof.”

I glared at the plushie, hoping it would spontaneously combust under my intense glare. I continued staring at it until the flames died down enough that I would risk trying to pick it up. I lightly tapped it a few times and to my surprise it wasn’t hot at all. I gingerly picked it up in case it decided to attack me. I looked into its eyes, trying to determine its secrets. A glimmer appeared in its eyes and it smirked at me.

“You think that was funny?” I asked it, “Well, I have a few more ideas for destroying you. Tell me, do little demon possessed toys like sharp objects?”

I saw a hint of fears in its eyes.

“Hehe, well you get to meet Mr. Stabbity Stab.”

I took the possessed changeling plushie inside and set it down on my kitchen counter. I opened the knife drawer and began taking out several knives, starting with the smaller ones and working my way up to the large butcher knife.

“You know, I think this butchering needs a more sinister mood to it.”

I set the butcher knife down and shut the drawer. I walked over to the other side of the kitchen and started looking through some drawers for various objects. I pulled out some red and black electrical tape, a hammer, a box of nails, several matches, and few candles.

“Now let’s get started.”

I turned around in time to see the changeling jump off the counter.

“Oh hell no!” I yelled as I jumped after it.

I grabbed it around the midsection, trying to keep my hands away from its mouth. It continued struggling to escape my grasp. I pinned it down to the floor with one hand and opened the fridge with the other.

“I’ve always wanted to do this,” I said as I repeatedly slammed the fridge door on its head.

After a minute of crushing its head, I picked it up and shut the fridge.

“Now, let’s keep you from trying to escape.”

Dazed from its beating, it barely resisted as I duct taped its legs and wings to its body.

“Try escaping now,” I dared it.

I laughed when it hissed at me.

“Now, now. You’re the one that bit me first. I didn’t do anything to you.”

I looked around for a suitable area to preform my butchering, but couldn’t find anywhere I would want to mark up.

“Hmmm, I think there’s a piece of piece of plywood in the garage that would suit our needs. Now to make sure you don’t think of running off…”

I picked up the bound changeling and threw it in the freezer.

“I hope I don’t come across as being too cold.”

I laughed manically at my own stupid joke. I walked into the garage and began to search for the piece of plywood.

“It should be over here,” I said to myself, “Hello, what do we have here?”

I bend over and pick up a rusty saw. I inspect the teeth and find most are in good condition, minus a few at the end.

“Not what I had in mind, but I’ll take it.”

I look over the saw again and my gaze drifts past it.

“There you are.”

I moved a five gallon bucket to expose the plywood I was looking for.

“Now we can get started.”

I brought the saw and plywood inside and set them one the kitchen table. I took the red electrical tape and drew out a pentagram. I used the black tape to make a circle around it.

“There. Now for the sacrifice.”

I grinned evilly as I made my way over to the freezer. I could hear muffled thumping noises coming from inside.

“Like you really could escape,” I said as I opened the door.

The changeling stared at me, shivering slightly.

“Aww, is the wittle changeling cold? I could make you feel warmer.”

Its eyes widened and it stopped shivering.

“That’s right,” I picked it up and held it up in the air, “Microwave time!”

I opened the microwave and threw the changeling in. I slammed the door shut and put in two minutes. As my finger reached towards the start button, I hesitate. I sighed, opened the microwave, and took the changeling out.

“Okay, I’ll admit that this is a little cruel, even for me,” I said to it, “Death from the molecules in your body heating up and causing you to explode is something I would do only to something actively trying to kill me. And I don’t think there is enough water in your body for you to explode.”

I threw the changeling onto the plywood and taped it down. I then set up the candles around the pentagram and lit them. I undid the duct tape on its back legs. It began waving them around, trying to keep me away. I laughed at the futile attempts of escape. I picked up two nails and the hammer.

“Now this won’t hurt a bit,” I said as I nailed its back legs to the plywood.

It hissed in pain and started to convulse.

“I guess I lied.”

I undid its front legs and nailed them down as well. I removed the duct tape holding it down as well as the tape holding its wings. They fluttered weakly before falling limp.

“Now for the final effect.”

I picked the butcher knife and turned off the lights. The light from the candles cast an eerie glow as the changeling struggled to pull its hooves off of the nails. I smiled sadistically as I drew the flat of the blade across its stomach causing it shudder.

“Now for the first cut.”

I positioned the knife right below its throat, preparing to cut its abdomen open when I heard a faint crackling behind me. I turned around only to be blinded by the burst of green light. When my sight recovered, before me stood something I never expected to see, but with the changeling plushie I shouldn’t have been surprised.

“What are you doing to my subject?” it hissed at me.

“C-chrysalis, what a surprise. I never expected to see you around here,” I said.

“How do you know who I am monster?”

“Monster? Who the hell you calling monster? I didn’t pose as someone’s fiancée to steal their love and try to take over Equestria.”

“Answer the question,” she said angrily, horn glowing green.

I dropped the knife and took a step back.

“F-from a show called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. The season 2 finale was of when you posed as Princess Cadence and tried to take over Equestria but was stopped when Shining Armor cast his shield spell with the help of Cadence’s love.”

I dropped to my knees.

“Please don’t kill me,” I begged.

“I should for threatening one of subjects,” Chrysalis said as he pulled the nails out of the changeling’s hooves.

I shifted away from her and picked up the dropped knife.

“Tell me, what do you call yourself?” she asked me.

“Y-you can call me Anthony,” I responded, “And in case you’re wondering I’m a human.”

“Interesting. Tell me, what do you know of me and my kind.”

I thought back to the only time changelings were on the show. It wasn’t much but it was enough to distract her.

“Well, I know you are Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings. You managed to beat Princess Celestia with the power you got from Shining Armor’s love. As for changelings, you can take the shape of any pony you desire, mimicking them perfectly, in order to feed on the love from the ones closest to them,” I managed to say in one breath.

“And do you know what I due to subjects that can no longer preform their purpose,” she said as she levitated the changeling in front on me. I gulped and shook my head.

“They fuel the flames of my anger.”

The changeling plushie burst into flames, screaming as its body turned into ashes. They formed a neat little pile at my knees. I looked up at Chrysalis in time to feel a force grab my throat. Her horn glowed green as she lifted me up to my feet.

“Now my little human, you are going to show me how you know so much about me and everything else about where I come from. Any questions?”

“Just one,” I managed to squeak out.

“And what is that?”

“What the hell is that over there?!” I yelled and pointed in some random direction.

She turned her head and I threw the knife at her. It clipped her neck and one of her wings. She hissed in pain and the magic holding me up was broken. I fell to the floor and rolled away as a green fireball struck where I was lying. I jumped up to my feet and ran out of the house screaming, dodging fireballs sent my way.

“Come back here you weak human,” Chrysalis yelled at me.

“Fuck you I don’t wanna die,” I yelled back.

I ran across the road into a corn field. I continued running deeper until I was out of breath. As I sat down to catch my breath, I saw Chrysalis flying overhead.

“Come out, come out where ever you are,” she said in a sing song voice.

I flipped her the bird and continued resting. After several minutes I could tell she was getting agitated.

“If you don’t want to come out peacefully, I guess I will have to smoke you out,” she said as her horn glowed.

“She’s gonna set the corn on fire…shit,” I said to myself.

At that moment, I had two options: a. get burned alive but deny her any information she could use to take over Equestria or b. surrender, show her everything I know about Equestria and probably get burned to crisp when I run out of information. Before I could decide on a course of action, a voice rang out across the cornfield.

“Chrysalis, what are you doing here?!” the voice yelled.

While it was distorted with power, it sounded awfully familiar to me.

“How-how did you find me here? Your powers shouldn’t be able to reach this place,” Chrysalis said fearfully.

“My powers can go where ever you go Chrysalis. And I will not let you enslave a race for whatever your twisted reasons are.”

The voice was so familiar, yet I still couldn’t place it.

“Oh Princess Celestia, you are not the ruler of this world so how would you even try to stop me?” Chrysalis drew out the princess.

Celestia. Oh. My. Gawd.

“I do not need to stop you. Your hive will do that for me.”

“What are you talking about-ahhh!” Chrysalis was cut off by a ball of white light surrounding her. A lance of green flame shot out but nothing else escaped. The ball of light started to shrink until it was the size of a basketball. It then shot off in a random direction with a clap of thunder.

“Okay, if people didn’t realize something was going on, they will now,” I said to myself as I ran out of the cornfield towards my house.

I stopped dead in my tracks when a glowing white being landed in front of me. Celestia, and she did not look happy.

“I gonna die,” I said, my right eye twitching.

“Oh far from it,” Celestia said.

Chapter 2: Explanations

Chapter 2: Explanations

“Hey Guard? Hey Guard? Hey Guard? Hey Guard? Hey-“

“What?!”

“Hi.”

“Why do I always get the crazies?”

I snickered and laid back down on the cot, thinking of other ways to piss of the guards.

“Hmmm, I wonder if I can get my hands on a moon pie. Or maybe pretend I’m dead. Or I could combine both of them.”

I shake my head at that.

“They might actually think I’m dead and try to shock me back to life. And I don’t think defibrillation is pleasant while fully conscious. Plus I don’t think I could keep a straight face with a mouth full of moon pie.”

I moaned and beat my head in my pillow.

“How much longer are they going to be? I’m as bored as I was back home.”

After Celestia had sent Chrysalis off to god knows where, she brought me back to Equestria. All I remembered of the process was a bunch of runes appearing around my feet and a beam of light coming from Celestia’s horn. Next thing I knew I was in the middle of the throne room and immediately dragged off to the dungeons. Surprisingly enough, the cell was actually big enough for me. I thought with the place being mainly ponies, the cells would all be sized for them. The cell was bare except for a cot, a bucket full of water on the floor, and a mirror on the wall. Two guards were stationed directly outside the cell with several more down the hallway. I amused myself by finding ways to piss off the guards, and it was extremely fun.

First, I tired taking their helmets off, but they were quick to back away and jab their spears at me. Then I started flicking water at them, until they had a unicorn come and cast a spell preventing objects from leaving the cell. I then started humming “It’s a Small World After All”. It was hilarious when the guards finally snapped. One was trying to jab his spear at me while the other was trying to restrain him. I was laughing like a manic the whole time. They threatened to put a silencing spell on me when I promised I wouldn’t hum any more.

“I never said anything about talking,” I said to myself as the guards rotated around.

And now back to the present. I had little experience in annoying people verbally, so I decided to do the only other thing I know.

“He’s been awfully quiet, don’t you think?” one of the guards said.

“I prefer them quiet,” the other guard said, “then it’s funnier if they ever scream their head off.”

“When has that ever happened to you?” the first guard asked.

“About three months ago, when-“he was cut off by a sound coming from the cell.

“What in Equestria?” they both said at once.

“~I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves. Everybody’s nerves. Yes, on everybody’s nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves. And this is how it goes.~”

“Oh Celestia, he’s singing,” the second guard said.

“Don’t worry, he’ll run out of breath eventually.”

After five minutes of singing, that seemed like an unlikely possibility.

“Will you be quiet already!” the second guard yelled.

“Never!” I yelled.

I jumped off the cot and up to the cell door.

“In fact, just for telling me to shut up, I’m going to sing even louder!”

“Don’t you dare,” the second guard growled.

“~I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY’S NERVES! EVERYBODY’S NERVES! YES, ON EVERYBODY’S NERVES! I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY’S NERVES! AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!~”

I was so entrapped in my singing, I closed my eyes and didn’t notice the guards had left until I opened my eyes again after the seventh rendition of the song. What I saw caused me to jump back and back into the wall.

“Do you always sing like that, or is this a special occasion?” Celestia asked me.

I growled as I stood back up and dusted myself asked.

“Celestia,” I asked angrily, “why did you bring me here?”

“To the dungeons? Well, I simply couldn’t trust you to wander the castle. I had to make sure-“

“No, not the dungeons,” I interrupted, “Here. Equestria. Why did you take me from my home? You had no right.”

Celestia’s head dropped a little.

“You need to come with me,” Celestia said, “There are a lot of things I need to tell you.”

The way she talked was almost like a doctor telling a patient they have cancer and only three months to live.

“This doesn’t bode well for me,” I said to myself.

As I followed Celestia out of the cell, we passed by the guard that tried to stab me with his spear. I hummed the first seven notes and watched with sadistic satisfaction as he made his way to attack me, only to be stopped by his fellow guards. I continued following Celestia through the dank hallways of the dungeons until we reached the castle proper. I looked around in awe at the architecture; the white marble, the high ceilings, everything. We were joined by several guards as made our way to what I thought was the throne room, but turned out to be the library.

The first thing that hit me was the sheer number of books. Hell, I don’t even think ‘countless’ could describe it. Bookshelves reaching up to the tall ceiling, crammed full of texts of every kind. I could read a few of the titles, but the majority appeared to be in several languages; magic or books from different species I guessed. As we went deeper into the library, I saw several unicorns running about; some levitating books or scrolls, others searching through ancient looking texts. They all had frantic looks on their faces. We stopped when we reached a massive pile of books. I couldn’t help but think of the book fort comic, except the tension around here was dead serious. Unicorns emerged from the ten foot tall pile of books carrying scrolls and returning with more books.

Celestia’s horned glowed and the entire stack shifted aside, revealing the pony in the center of the chaos. Princess Luna’s horn glowed as she wrote on a scroll before handing it to a waiting unicorn. She then returned to the book she was reading, furiously writing notes. Celestia stepped forward and cleared her throat.

“Sister.”

Luna’s head snapped up. Her eyes were bloodshot and her pupils were dilated. I raised an eyebrow at her condition.

“Have you discovered anything more since I left?” Celestia asked.

Luna sighed and set down the quill she was levitating.

“No. I have found nothing more.” She looked past Celestia and at me. “You have brought the human.”

“Yes. It is time he knows what is going on.”

“What do you mean “what is going on”?” I started to yell, “Just fucking send me back already!”

“That would not be advisable,” Celestia said.

“Then tell me what the hell is going on,” I said as I crossed my arms.

“You may want to sit down,” Celestia said as she pulled up a chair.

I sat down and it was surprisingly comfortable. That’s when I noticed most of the unicorns had disappeared, probably realizing Luna wasn’t going to be giving out any more scrolls for the time being.

“How much do you know of our world?” Celestia asked me.

“A little bit,” I answered, “I’ll ask questions if I don’t understand anything.”

“Very well,” Celestia said, “Now what would you like to ask about first?”

“First, what the hell was Chrysalis doing in my world? Second, what the fuck do you mean when it is not advisable for me to return to my own world? And thirdly, Luna, do you like bananas?”

The Princesses seemed composed for my first two questions, but were completely caught off guard by my last one. I chuckled softly.

“You don’t have to answer that question. I’m just messing with you.”

Celestia smiled softly.

“I know where you can find out,” Celestia said, Luna still at a loss for words.

My eyes widened in shock when I heard those words. She pulled out a megaphone and gave me a crazy smile.

“For the love of my eardrums, can you please not do what you are about to do,” I pleaded.

“But don’t you want-“

“No god no. Please don’t do it. It was only a joke and I didn’t think you would actually know what the hell I’m talking about.”

“Celestia, what is he talking about?” Luna asked.

“It’s a human thing. I will tell you later,” Celestia said as she put the megaphone away.

Celestia looked at me.

“As for your first question, while I am not sure of her exact reasons, I believe Chrysalis was planning on conquering your world for her hive. How she was planning on doing that, I have no idea.”

“So what was with the plushie changeling I found in my room?” I asked.

“A scout. What were you doing with it to make Chrysalis so angry? She looked like she was ready to burn the entire town.”

“Well, I honestly don’t think she cared about the changeling at all. She burned it right in front of me. The reason she was so mad was because I threw a knife at her and it clipped her wings. Then she started throwing fireballs at me.”

Luna looked like she was about to fall over, while Celestia’s eyes widened at my mention of the knife.

“So you attacked her? You are either very brave or very idiotic,” Celestia said.

“It was more like self-defense. And I figured she was going to kill me anyway so why not piss her off to get it over with,” I said matter of factly.

Celestia rubbed her temples.

“I don’t think I’ll ever understand you humans. Just when I feel I know what you will do next, you go off and attack something at least five times more powerful than you.”

I shrugged.

“To each their own.”

“Indeed,” Celestia said, “As for your second question, do you remember that green flame that shot out of the containment ball Chrysalis was in?”

I thought back.

“Vaguely,” I said, “Why, what’s its importance?”

Celestia sighed.

“That green flame was Chrysalis’s last order to her hive before I severed her connection. Now she no longer commands them and will be treated like any outsider.”

“What was the order?” I growled.

“That order was her hive to hunt you down, and kill you.”

Chapter 3: Realizations

Chapter 3: Realizations

It took me a moment to fully comprehend what Celestia just said. My mind began formulating various solutions to solve this situation, each one more impossible than the next, until I thought of something.

“Can’t you just cast a spell that will make me invisible to changelings or something?” I asked.

“That’s what I’ve been researching,” Luna said, “Unfortunately, none of the spells are permanent. The longest that is guaranteed is two weeks and the spell cannot be cast on you again for at least two months after those two weeks are up.”

“Why not get rid of all the changelings in my world? They’re not supposed to be there anyway,” I said.

“Our powers don’t work the same in your world as they do in ours,” Celestia answered, “We are not as powerful and don’t have as fine-tuned senses. We won’t be able to find all the changelings scattered across the world.”

“Okay then, forget me, what are you going to do about the changelings. Won’t they try to take over?”

“With Chrysalis gone, they will likely go into a comatose like state until a new leader emerges or they detect you,” Celestia said.

“What if a new leader emerges?” I asked.

“Don’t worry, we will be keeping an eye on your world to make sure that never happens,” Luna said, “And if it does, either ‘Tia or I will take care of it.”

Everyone is silent for a few minutes. I contemplate what this means for my future. I won’t be going to college. Maybe I could do a study abroad thing. But what about my family. I’m not providing for anyone, but what will my parents think. Wait, how am I going to even tell them?

“So what happens now?” I asked.

“Since you were forced out of your home by changelings, so to speak,” Celestia said, “you are guaranteed a place to stay and a job until you get back on your feet.”

“Where will I be staying?” I asked.

“You will stay here, in the castle,” Celestia said, “I am sure we will be able to find accommodations that will suit you.”

“What about a job? I don’t think most of my skills are useful in a place like this. Plus, I don’t think most ponies will want to hire someone like me.”

“What do you mean ‘like you’?” Celestia asked me.

“If you look at my core character, I’m a bastard,” I said, “While I don’t usually show it, stick around me enough and you see how much I hate the world. Even if there isn’t anything to hate.”

Celestia put her hoof on my shoulder.

“For now, you may stay as my guest,” Celestia said, “Everything will be free of charge and I will help you find a job Mr.-“

I chuckled slightly.

“I don’t think I ever told you my name. And I don’t think you asked me how I know your names.”

“My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic,” Celestia said with the best poker face I have ever seen.

“What!” I screeched.

“We’ve known of it for quite a while, through Luna isn’t as informed as I am in the ‘Brony’ community,” Celestia said.

“You troll,” I look at Celestia, “Were you really going to use the megaphone?”

“Why not,” Celestia said with a smile, “I’ve always wanted to do it since I saw the video.”

“’Tia, you really need to tell me what you are talking about,” Luna said, “I’m getting confused.”

“Now that I’m thinking about,” I said, “Luna, I don’t think you want to delve too deep into the Brony community.”

“And why is that Mr. –“ Luna trailed off.

I faceplammed.

“Still haven’t told you my name. Okay, you may call me Anthony. Please, no titles, just Anthony.”

“Okay Anthony, why shouldn’t I look into the Brony community?” Luna asked.

“To sum it all up into two things: Rule 34 and Cupcakes.”

“What is this Rule 34 you speak of?”

“I will be blunt,” I braced myself, “There is porn of it. No exceptions.”

Luna looked at me with a confused look on her face.

“For example, you and Celestia getting it on, the Elements of Harmony having sex, and various other things I can’t believe I looked up.”

I looked up towards the ceiling.

“Damn you Google Images! Damn you!” I yelled.

“Sister, is what he speaks of true?” Luna asked Celestia.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Celestia said.

“And what of Cupcakes? It can’t be as bad as Rule 34.”

“I think it would be better if you don’t know what it is,” I said, “For your sake Luna, and possibly for the safety of one of the Elements of Harmony.”

“Oh my,” Luna said.

We sat in silence for some time. Luna looked as if she was about to fall asleep, me looking at my finger nails and Celestia watching me. I wondered if Celestia was trying to figure out what I was thinking. Honestly, I don’t think she was even close to what I was thinking. I broke the silence.

“You trying to read my mind Celestia,” I said as I looked up at her.

“I was just wondering if you were in any distress,” she said, “You look very calm.”

“It’s because I am. Even in stressful situations, I’m easily entranced by some mundane thing I’ve looked at a thousand times.”

I continued looking at my nails.

“What do you think I’m thinking about now?” I asked Celestia.

“Your accommodations, I presume,” she responded, “I’m sure you’re curious.”

“Actually, I was wondering if Luna was really sleeping, or if she just closed her eyes,” I said.

We both looked over to where Luna was sitting to see her still sitting up but with her head drooped over to one side, eyes closed.

“I think she is asleep,” Celestia said, “She hasn’t slept for the past few days. There were concerns for some outlying villages falling victim to changelings. Luckily for you, she was already researching spells for defense against changelings or you might have had to wait a few days before you got any answers.”

“How lucky,” I mumbled.

Celestia’s horn glowed briefly and Luna disappeared with a ‘pop’. I raised an eyebrow.

“I merely sent her to her bedroom,” she explained, “Easier than waking her up or carrying her.”

“Whatever, as long as it isn’t me,” I said.

“Actually, I was thinking of saving you the walk and just teleport you to your room.”

“Wait, what?”

I was briefly blinded by a bright light and felt myself lift off the floor. I then felt my feet slamming back down on the ground. I wobbled a bit at the unexpected drop.

“Damn it Celestia,” I cursed, “Give me a little warning next time.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” she said playfully, appearing right next to me.

“You troll,” I said as I looked around the room.

“I hope you find the room suitable. While there are no humans in Equestria, minotaurs seem similar enough to you, so I hope this suits you.”

“I would have been happy with a cot that fit me and a fluffy blanket,” I said, examining the large bed, “This is almost overkill.”

“Well, if you need anything, just ask one of the guards outside the door.”

“Still don’t trust me?” I said with a smile.

“I don’t want you wandering the castle scaring ponies,” Celestia said, rubbing her temples, “I get enough complaints about Luna’s pets. Well, have a pleasant evening. I will see you in the morning.”

I was too busy looking through drawers to notice Celestia leaving. After ten minutes, I realized I was alone.

“When the hell did Celestia leave?” I said to myself.

I walked back over the bed and examined it more closely.

“Very firm, yet soft. Not a whole lot of spring to it. What kind of – oh! It’s a cloud. Never would have thought of that.”

I jumped on the bed and slowly sunk in. I looked around for anyway to make the bed slightly more firm.

“Okay, I can’t even comprehend how the fuck this works.”

There was a knob on the wall that said “Mattress Support”. It went from ‘Brick’ to ‘Cloud’ on it. At the moment, it was a little after the halfway point, towards ‘Brick’. I moved it to halfway between ‘Brick’ and the middle and laid back down.

“Ah, perfect.”

The moment was ruined by my stomach grumbling. I looked out the window and saw the sun was setting.

“Wow, haven’t eaten since lunch,” I said as I sat up on the bed.

I looked towards the door.

“Well, she said if I needed anything, just ask,” I said as I got off the bed.

I walked over to the door and opened it slowly. I stuck my head out and looked around.

“You should return to your room,” one of the guards said without turning his head.

“Fuck you, I want food,” I said, sticking my tongue out.

“A meal is being prepared for you now,” the other guard said, “It should be arriving shortly.”

I brought my head back in and shut the door. I looked around deciding on what to do until the food gets here.

“Perfect,” I said, grinning manically.

***

One of the guards knocked on the door.

“Your food is here, open up,” he said.

I didn’t respond.

“I said, your food is here, open up,” he repeated.

I still didn’t respond.

“Ugh, just go inside,” the guard said to the servant pushing the cart.

The door glowed blue and swung open as the servant walked in.

“I have a variety of fruits and vegetables, as well as a steamed – what in Equestria is going on here?” she exclaimed.

A massive pile of pillows was at the foot of the bed. Blankets on top of chairs finished off the fort. I stuck my head out of the pile of pillows.

“This is Pillow Fort,” I said, “Now prepare for a pillow barrage.”

I burst out of the pile and began assaulting the poor servant with pillows. She ran out of the room screaming. I continued throwing pillows after her until she was out of sight. The guards rushed in to find me rolling on the floor, laughing my fucking ass off. They rolled their eyes and walked out of the room, slamming the door shut. After a minute, I calmed down enough to sit up. I wipe a few tears out of my eyes and eyed the cart with food on it. I got up and examined what there was: bowls of fruit, both whole and cut, dominated the cart, interspersed were some carrots and celery, and the main course appeared to be some type of mushroom stuffed with vegetables. A pitcher of water and glasses were underneath. I took a few of the bowls of fruit and the carrots and put them on a table. I then took the pitcher and drank about a third of it before putting it down.

“Wow, building forts sure makes me thirsty.”

I took the cups out as well and wheeled the cart over to the door. I opened the door all the way and pushed the cart out. It went across the hallway and slammed into the opposite wall. The guards looked at me like I was crazy.

“I don’t like mushrooms that much,” I said as I slammed the door shut.

I jumped back into my fort and began eating the food I kept. I saved the apples for last and holy hell were they delicious. I’ve had some good apples before, but these things just ooze goodness; enough that I almost choked trying to swallow a mouthful of half chewed apple.

After I finished gorging myself on apples, I calmly drank some water, reflecting on all the crazy shit that has happened.

“I wonder how much more fucked up stuff is going to happen to me?” I said to myself.

Chapter 4: Breakfast

Chapter 4: Breakfast

Sunlight streamed through a crack in the curtains and landed directly in my eyes.

“Nngh, sun go away,” I mumbled, “I don’t want to face the day yet.”

The sun refused my desperate attempts for more sleep and presently burned in my eyes.

“Fine, I’ll get up, you ungrateful bitch.”

It dawned on me that has more meaning now.

“Hmm, I should be more careful on what I say,” I laughed, “Who am I kidding? I don’t give a fuck what other people, err, ponies, think of me.”

I threw off the blankets and got out of bed. I cracked my neck and looked around. The remains of my fort were still on the floor, as well as the empty bowls from my dinner yesterday. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror.

“I need a shower, but I have no clean clothes. Guess I’ll just wash my face.”

I filled the sink up with warm water and took off my shirt. I stuck my head in the sink and tried to scrub my face clean and meet with limited success. I looked around for a wash cloth and found some underneath the sink. I noticed the piping was similar to Earth’s, except everything seemed a lot higher quality.

“Well, I am in the royal castle.”

I scrubbed my face with the wash cloth and dried off. I put my shirt back on. I walked out of the bathroom and stretched a little more. My stomach grumbling told me it was time to get breakfast. I opened the door to the hallway when an ostrich ran past. It took me several seconds to fully process that. Several guards ran past, no doubt chasing after the rogue ostrich.

“One of Luna’s pets I assume?” I asked the guards.

“Yes, but it is far from the most unusual thing to escape. Or the dangerous,” one of the guards said.

“Shouldn’t she have some type of system to prevent animals from getting out?” I asked.

“She does, but sometimes she lets them out to play and forgets to put them back,” the other guard answered.

Celestia came walking down the hallway from the same the direction the ostrich came.

“Ah, Anthony, you’re awake,” she said, “From what you said earlier, I thought you weren’t getting up.”

My eyes widened. She heard me?

“Don’t worry, I only heard you because I was the one causing the sun to shine in your eyes. The window in your room is a few degrees off for the morning sun to shine in your room.”

I scowled.

“It was all in good fun,” she said, “And did you happen to see the ostrich run by?”

“Why, were you the one that set it loose?” I asked.

“No, I saw it running around earlier. I was just curious as to where it went.”

I nodded.

“Is there an actual reason as to why you’re here?”

One of the guards hit me in the crotch and I fell to my knees.

“What the hell was that for?” I said in a noticeably higher voice.

“You do not talk to the Princess like that.”

“Fuck you.”

I groaned and held my crotch.

“Oh, my balls.”

“I thought I told Shining Armor to order you to not harm my guest,” Celestia said.

“With all due respect Princess, I can’t stand to watch anypony talk inappropriately to you,” said the guard that crushed my family jewels.

“You didn’t have to kick my manhood,” I said, voice returning to normal, “Well, I never really wanted kids anyway.”

“Serves you right for disrespecting the Princess.”

“Cocksucker,” I said under my breath.

“If you are done antagonizing my guards, I would like to ask you to join me for breakfast,” Celestia said.

“Yeah, I think I’m done,” I said, carefully standing up.

“Follow me then,” she said before taking off down the hall.

I followed her and the two guards outside my room came with me.

“How did you sleep?” Celestia asked.

It took me a moment to realize Celestia was talking to me.

“It was good. The cloud mattress was interesting,” I said.

“Yes, most of the guest rooms use them so we don’t need to constantly change the mattresses. Guests have become flustered when they don’t get a good night-“ she was interrupted by the ostrich running past.

“Normally, I would say there’s some weird shit going on when I see an ostrich run by,” I said, “but I have a feeling that this isn’t the most unusual morning you’ve had around here.”

“No, it’s not,” Celestia said with a sigh.

We reached the dining hall to find a large table covered in food. My mouth watered at the smell of all the deliciousness.

“I see you’re hungry,” Celestia said.

“Yes,” I said, practically drooling.

“Well, do sit down,” she said, pulling out a chair.

I sat down and waited for her to sit as well.

“You have good manners, I see,” she pointed out.

“Only until I get the food,” I responded.

“Well, by all means, dig in.”

“Thank you.”

I began by piling some pancakes on my plate, followed by scrambled eggs, biscuits, and-

“Aww man, I forgot, no bacon,” I moaned.

“Don’t worry, I knew your kind were omnivores so I had the kitchen prepare some meat for you,” Celestia said, motioning for some servants to get the meat.

“Why do you have meat on hand?” I asked, “I thought you were all vegetarians.”

“We are, but the castle caters to guests from all over the world, from griffons to dragons. And Luna has several carnivores in her menagerie, so it’s good to have a supply of meat,” Celestia rubbed her temples, something she was doing a lot, “Thank the cosmos none of them have gotten out.”

“Okay,” I said, stuffing my face with pancake.

Soon, a servant came over levitating a tray filled with sausage, chicken, and BACON! As soon as the tray was set down, the bacon appeared on my plate and I began wolfing it down.

“I take it you like bacon?” Celestia said.

I gave Celestia a look that said, “Touch my bacon, and I will fucking kill you.” She smiled deviously and levitated a piece of bacon over to her. I stared in disbelief as she opened her mouth and put the bacon inside. My jaw dropped, half eaten bacon falling out, when she started chewing and finally swallowed it.

“Wha-wha-wha-“ I shook my head, “I thought you said you were vegetarian?!”

“I am,” she said, “but I’m also a goddess.”

“You know what, I don’t care what you eat,” I said, returning to my food, “As long as it isn’t human.”

“What about pony?”

I almost chocked at that question.

“Please don’t be serious,” I begged.

She began laughing.

“Oh, your reactions are so priceless,” she said in between chuckles, “No, I’ve never eaten pony, though I have heard that it isn’t that good.”

I rolled my eyes and continued eating. After we finished eating, the servants cleared off the table and I started talking to Celestia about me making arrangements back home.

“I never go out anywhere,” I was telling her, “My parents will be looking for me, thinking I’ve been kidnapped or laying in some ditch dying. They need to know I’m still alive. And I also want to get some personal affects.”

“I hope nothing dangerous,” Celestia said.

“Just some clothes, maybe a few electronics.”

“While I don’t disagree with you on telling your family about your whereabouts, I don’t think you will have the time.”

“What do you mean; Luna said the spell would last for two weeks.”

“On a pony,” Celestia said with a hint a sadness, “For you, the longest we can guarantee is 2 days, and even then we aren’t sure if it will last that long.”

“So what do we do?” I asked, “I assume you want me to spend as little time there is possible, but what if my family isn’t home. I won’t know how long they’ll be gone and when they do arrive, I may have to leave. How will I explain everything to them?”

“With this.”

Celestia levitated a small, round stone over to me. On top was a small button with a strange rune on it. The rest of the stone was covered in carvings.

“What is it?”

“It’s a recording stone,” Celestia explained, “It will record everything you say and do and can be replayed by pressing the symbol on top.”

I held it up.

“Is that all it can do?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No, it also has a twin that allows you to have face to face communication,” she said, “It will alert you to when the message is being played and when it is finished so you know they are there.”

“Fascinating, but will it work between worlds?”

“It hasn’t failed yet.”

“I’m going to ignore the fact that you know more than you’re telling.”

“Who’s to say I know anything?”

“Good point. Now how do I start recording?” I asked.

“Push the symbol and it will start.”

“Like this?”

I pushed the button and the runes on it started glowing.

“Now put it down and look at it. It will record everything you say and do, including what is happening now.”

“You could have told me that,” I said as I put the stone down.

“Hey mom, hey dad, hey- wait, will they be able to see you,” I asked Celestia.

“Not unless I walk behind you,” she answered.

“Could you not do that, at least not yet?”

“Of course.”

I cleared my throat.

“Where was I? Ah, yes, hey mom, hey dad, hey whoever else is watching this. Um, I don’t know how to say this, but you should probably call off the search you have for me right now. I don’t think you’ll ever find where I am now. This will sound crazy but…”

***

A flash of bright light and I’m kneeling in some grass. Moments before I was in the dining hall in Canterlot Castle, preparing to return home for a short while. I looked around to make sure I was where I wanted to be and to be sure no one saw me. I slipped around to the backside of the house and looked in the garage. No cars were parked in there and the driveway was empty. I went back the way I came, making sure to stay hidden as much as possible, and went to the front side of the house. I crawled onto the porch and to the front door. I tried opening the door only to find out it was locked.

“The one time they lock it,” I said to myself, “but I have a trump card.”

I pulled out a small runestone and held it to the handle. It glowed faintly and the door clicked open. I slipped inside and shut the door. I listened to make sure I was truly alone. Silence, except for the fish tank filter. I went to my room and grabbed a large duffel bag out of the closet. I began stuffing several sets of clothes in. Then I looked around for my laptop and found it sitting where I left it. I put it in my carrying case, along with my tablet and old cell phone. I probably wouldn’t get any service, but I think one purple unicorn and one midnight blue alicorn would love to get their hooves on any technology from this world. I saw my backpack with a solar panel charger on it. I don’t think they have electrical outlets back at the castle, so I took that and put in a few books, just some random ones on astronomy and mythology. I went into my bathroom and grabbed a few toiletries for my stay. I went back in my room and looked around for some random crap to take back. My eyes alighted on my nerf guns. I decided what the hell and threw my Raider in my duffel bag, as well as two large bags of darts and several extended clips. I left the drum behind as it was too big to fit in my bag. I picked up everything and as I was leaving my room, I noticed some of my stuffed animals on my desk. I smiled and picked one of them up. It was a Teddy Grahams chocolate chip bear I got when I was 5.

“Ready for an adventure?” I asked it.

Silence.

“Well too bad Cookie, you’re coming with me.”

I looked over at the foot of my bed.

“Sorry Azure, you’re staying here.”

I put him in my backpack and went into the living room. I looked into the kitchen and saw the plywood board was still on the table. The pile of ash from the burnt changeling was gone, but the scorch mark from Chrysalis trying to fry me was still there. I wrote a quick note that said, “Play me. (Push the button) P.S. This isn’t what it looks like.” An arrow pointed to the plywood. I set the recording stone down and picked up my bags. I went out the back door and onto the patio. I fished out the other runestone Celestia gave me. All I had to do was slam it on the ground and it would teleport me back to the castle. I took one last look around the area by my house.

“See you in two months.”

I slammed the runestone on the patio and closed my eyes. I opened them again and saw the area around my house.

“Piece of crap.”

I picked up the runestone and slammed it down again. It flashed a bright light and I was back in the dining room.

“Finished so soon?” Celestia said, sipping some tea.

“They weren’t there and I had no reason to stay. I grabbed what I wanted and left,” I said.

“Well then, here’s the other recording device,” she said, levitating a stone identical to the one I left behind, “It will glow brightly and hum when the message is being played and will stop when the message is over. Press the symbol on top and it will transmit an image to the other stone and receive an image from that stone as well.”

“Cool, now can you show me to my room? I kinda forgot where it was.”

Celestia shook her head slightly.

“Of course.”