Unexpected Adventure

by WhooshieWoosh

Rating: teen
Tags: Dragons, Adventure, Griffons, Princess Celestia, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 74672

Getting sent to a new world? No problem. Becoming a dragon because a demented weirdo thought it would be funny? How quaint.

Drake McCain was your typical adult nerd doing typical adult nerd stuff. Until he got dragged to Equestria by a certain chaotic weirdo. What could possibly go wrong? Everything.

Note: this story will contain the following- sarcasm, ineptitude, dirty jokes (are there any other kind?) and much, much, more!

Published 2017-06-18 02:40:11 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-09 04:58:02 UTC

Ooh! Shiny!

I whistled a little song as I walked through the halls of the massive castle I'd been in the garden of. Although, oddly enough, there was nobody in sight. I kept on walking, getting hopelessly lost as I searched for... something. Eventually I reached some big, fancy door and just had to open it. Upon looking in the room, I couldn't believe my eyes. Gold. A whole room full of gold. Coins, bars, and other such riches were piled against the walls reaching almost to the ceiling. My loot-lust kicked in and I started walking around, planning how much I was going to take. My eye caught something on the far wall and I carefully made my way over to it. Sitting on display was a sword. Well, to call it a sword would be like calling a butter knife a dagger. It was long, about as long as my arm completely stretched out and then some. The hilt was long enough for my... claw? And then a bit extra. Making this a hand-and-a-half sword. Where the hilt met the blade two pieces jutted back diagonally away from the blade, forming a small letter "Y." There was a graceful metal guard extending over the hilt on one side and runes on the first few inches of the blade. All in all, it was totally--

"Awesome."

I carefully picked it up and held it like I was preparing to wreck some monsters. I swung it and was surprised at how easily I could manage what should have been a heavy weapon. I looked it over and saw... why was it glowing? Before my very eyes it began to shine with a bright blue light before disappearing.

"Wait... what?! No! I... I want my sword back!"

*Fwoosh*

With a flash, it was back.

...Ooooooooooh.

I hefted it before chucking it to the other side of the room. I thought about wanting it back, and boom, right back with me.

This is so cool. I don't have to bother with a sheath! Oh man, score!

I looked about and realized just how much of a waste it would be if I didn't take some gold with me.

I mean, I'm pretty sure that nobody lives here. If so then there'd be guards and stuff.

I scooped all that I could into convenient little bags I found and loaded up my backpack. With that out of the way, I resumed my search for... I dunno, a king? A servant? A village to save from orcs or something? What was I supposed to do?

I heard cheering and quickened my pace. Soon, I was standing on a balcony a few feet away from some stairs that overlooked a crowd of... of....

"Are those... horses?!"

They were all... horses! But, colorful and... weird. With large eyes and oddly humanoid faces.

Oh man, this is trippy.

I looked down and saw a larger horse with... wings. Wings and a horn. Of course. A uni-sus, or a pegacorn, or... whatever. Before my eyes she raised a hoof and spoke in a clear, yet motherly voice.

"Citizens of Equestria!"

Well at least now I know where I am... sort of.

"I have come before you today to address an issue of growing concern."

The crowd grew silent and many began to whisper.

"As you know, dragons have been encroaching on our land and destroying the homes of innocent ponies. Their destructive, barbaric ways cannot be allowed to continue. I hereby am putting out a reward for any valid report of dragon activity in Equestria, excluding the assistant of my student, Twilight Sparkle--"

A purple unicorn on the stage nodded and a small purple lizard, er, dragon waved nervously to the crowd.

"Now, be warned. This is not something I do lightly. And, under no circumstances should untrained citizens attempt to capture a dragon. If you spot one, inform the Royal Guard and they will apprehend it. I beg of you, be cautious my little ponies."

Oh... they're ponies! Wait... I'm a dragon. Maybe if I... yeah. Alright, I'll calmly walk down there, obviously peaceful and all that, and let then know that the coat-wearing dragon dude is nice. Then, uh... I don't really know. Oh please let this all work out like in a game! She seems reasonable!

I made my way to the top of the stairs and started walking towards the horse queen. Murmurs and gasps rang out so I decided to introduce myself.

"Excuse me, I'm sorry for dropping by unannounced, but allow me to introduce myself. My name is Drake, and I'm--"

One pony screamed in terror.

"DRAGON!"

Suddenly a whole load of armor wearing, spear holding ponies rushed towards me. The big pegacorn looked at me suspiciously.

"What are you doing in Canterlot, dragon?"

"Well, I don't really know. I just kinda found myself here and have been wandering for a bit."

She nodded towards my backpack.

"And what's in the bag?"

Oh... that gold... oh crap. I think I just robbed the queen of the horses. And... did... did she say... Canterlot!? Like... like Camelot except... canter... like a horse!?

I snickered at the obvious pun, unaware that she had light up her horn in a bright yellow glow. She gasped before barking orders to her guards.

"Guards! Seize him! He's attempting to rob us!"

The guards charged me and I turned and ran up the stairs.

Crap! Why couldn't I have left well enough alone! Stupid loot-lust!

I reached the top of the stairs only to find a bunch of angry pegasusus... or... pegasi? Whatever. They had wings, and they were ticked.

"Now, I'm sure we can talk this all out like-- OH GOODNESS! IT'S MONSTROUS!!"

I pointed behind them with a look of fear on my face. They spun around and I took my opportunity. I ran as fast as I could towards an alleyway to the right. Unfortunately, it was about, oooooh... hella feet down. But, I had wings! I lept, gracefully, like a swan in flight... before plummeting towards the ground.

"Oh balls!"

I flailed my libs before landing hard on my feet. It hurt, but... oddly little. Like, that should have broken every bone in my... oooooh, I'm a dragon now. I'm probably like... indestructible!

"After him!"

I turned and saw the pegasus troops take flight. I ran into the alleyway and started making my way towards... somewhere. Honestly, anywhere but jail was good.

I emerged from the alley into the middle of a crowded street. Everyone started to scream and run as more guards ran towards me.

Now would be a great time to figure out how to fly!

I saw some massive gates at the end of the street and ran like I'd never run before. I needed to reach those gates before they shut. Honestly, this new body was awesome! I was so fast! I must have looked epic!

(What everyone saw.)

The blue dragon ran towards the gates, arms flailing like a lunatic And screaming at the top of his lungs,

"MOVE FASTER FEET!"

(Drake's PoV)

The gates were closing, the gap getting smaller and smaller as guards lined up in front if it. I pushed myself to the limit and jumped for all I was worth. I sailed clear over the guards and crossed the threshold of the gates... and missed the drawbridge.

"Aaaaaaaaagh!"

I fell, the sky rushing away as I plummeted out of control towards the bottom of the crack of doom. Any moment now I'd become a greasy spot on the rock below. There was only so much my new body could reasonably take. Goodbye cruel--

*Splash*

I opened my eyes to find I'd landed in some sort of river. I desperately swam towards the surface and breached, gasping for air. I looked back and saw the pegasi flying around the gap... way far away from me. I dove back under and swam as far and as fast as possible.

After what felt like hours of swimming, I crawled onto the bank and sat there gasping.

"That... could have gone better."

I looked around and spotted a comfortable looking tree to sit under and dragged myself towards it. I slung off my backpack and took of my soaked coat. I hung them both up to dry before collapsing exhausted onto the grass below me.

"Well... this has been... fun."

I looked at the setting sun and sighed.

"What I wouldn't do for a bed right now."

I made myself as comfortable as possible before closing my eyes, attempting to get at least some sleep. Tomorrow... I'd figure out what to do tomorrow.

"I'm sorry your majesty, he got away."

Celestia sighed as Shining Armor bowed his head. Luna approached and looked to her sister with a worried expression.

"Sister, what shall we do about this thieving wyrm?"

Celestia sighed before conjuring a wanted poster out of thin air with her magic.

"We cannot allow him to go unpunished. The dragons will see it as weakness and redouble their attacks."

She turned to Shining Armor and levitated the poster to him.

"Have these put up in all the places you deem viable."

He nodded before scanning the poster.

~Wanted~

Drake the Dragon

For: thievery and resisting arrest

Reward: 1,000 bits. Caution: he is deemed dangerous and clever. Do not be deceived by his tricks.

A Whole New World

I was back in Discord's little void place, and the crazed weirdo was dying laughing.

"I... I can't believe you got a bounty after less than a day!"

He lapsed back into hysterics and I crossed my arms.

"Well excuse me! I had, and still have, no clue where I am or what's going on. I just know that horsey queen--"

"Oh, you mean Celestia? I just call her Celey or Sunbutt."

I gave him a deadpan stare.

"Charming."

He wiped a tear from his eye and folded his paws like a CEO about to fire someone.

"I knew I got the right human. Now, what's your next move?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you've got the rest of your life to spend in this 'charming' world of ours, so what are you going to do."

I froze.

"Y-you mean, I... I can't go back to Earth?"

He sighed and waved a paw.

"Unfortunately for you, no. Crossing realities is a one way street. If I tried to send you back, you'd explode. Or was it implode? I'm always getting those two kerbobbled."

I slumped in my seat, eyes wide with shock. I was never going home. I was going to spend the rest of my life as a dragon in a weird, cartoony world full of horses and... who knows what else. I shook my head as Discord snapped his claws.

"Hello? Equestria to Drake? Are you even listening?"

"Sorry, it's... I just had to come to terms with it all. You know, what my life has become."

He made a clearly fake frowny face and said in a mocking voice.

"Do you want a hug? Would that make you feel better?"

I rolled my eyes.

"You always this big a tool or just when you meet someone?"

Discord snorted before conjuring a glass of chocolate milk... and then drinking the glass. As he set the cylinder of chocolate on the table he winked at me.

"Well, I think checking your map would be a--" he raised his claws and wrote out while saying, "VERY GOOD IDEA."

He gave me the cheesiest grin imaginable as I frowned.

"Fine, fine. I'll follow your stupid map."

"Oh goody! Although, after that, I'm done guiding you. Consider this a... welcoming gift. Oh, and I also forgot to tell you I put some enchantments on your coat. Just the usual like, fire-proofing, indestructibility, and wrinkle resistance. It wouldn't do for my personal line of stylish accents to get ruined by you being... well, what are you going to become?"

I frowned as I thought it over. Hero was out of the question. Villain? Naw, too much work. Hmm....

"I'm going to be a thief. You know, steal from the rich, hunt some treasure, do whatever I want. If I can't be the good guy, I'll rob the good guys blind. Being a kleptomaniac helps with that decision."

He clapped excitedly.

"Oh how exciting! Like Robin Hood except you're only stealing for your own greed."

I made a finger, er, claw gun and smirked.

"If I'm already wanted, I might as well wrack up the biggest bounty possible. Oh, also learn how to sword fight. I picked up a totally awesome sword that I would love to kick some butt with."

He grinned and a tiny version of himself appeared on my shoulder and whispered,

"Follow the map."

And just like that, I was gone.

I awoke to the sun just beginning to rise. It was... kinda pretty. I stretched before grabbing my coat and pulling it on. After I was dressed I slung my backpack over my shoulder and stretched my scaly limbs. I pulled out the map Discord had given me. There was a purple circle with an arrow stating "You are here" pointing to a river. A bit away, in some mountains was another circle that read, "Go here stupid!"

"Real mature."

After figuring out which way to go, I pocketed the map and started on my way. As I want, I took a closer look at my new arms and claws. My scales were shiny, like, really shiny. Shinier than gemstones in the right lighting. If the sun wasn't shining directly on them, they appeared a more natural, snake like hue.

"Gotta admit, these scales are pretty cool. I wonder if...."

I looked around before spotting a large rock. I walked over and put my palm on the sharp tip of the stone. I pressed down and jerked my hand back. Nothing, I felt almost nothing. No pain or anything.

"Holy crap I have natural armor!"

Honestly, being a dragon was looking better and better. Armor scales, wings, and looking majestic? Count me in. All I needed to do was learn to breathe fire and fly and then I could be the most badass rouge ever.

"How to breathe fire... hmm...."

I took a deep breath and blew it out like I was trying to blow out a candle. Nope, no fire. Sheesh, did I need to drink some lighter fluid or something? Or....

"Fire!"

I breathed out again after shouting. Nope. Maybe there was a magic word or spell like in Skyrim?

"Yol!"

Nope.

"Igni!"

Nada.

"Incendio!"

Nuhu.

"Brisingr!"

Squat.

"C'mon, c'mon. Think! I know dragons breath fire! Gaaaah! Incinerate!"

And!... nothing. I rubbed my now pounding head. At least I didn't hyperventilate. That would have been awkward.

"Whatever, maybe flying will be easier."

I looked at my two new limbs and... how do you move these? I mean, think about it. If you woke up with a second pair of arms or something wouldn't you be confused as to how exactly you would control the new muscles?

I tried rolling my shoulders and flexing my back muscles. I think I saw them twitch, but no more. I grabbed one of the stubborn appendages and stretched it out manually. I think I felt something now, but it felt so... weird. Like I was feeling something that wasn't there. I've heard of amputees experiencing "phantom pains" where they swear their leg itches even though they lost it. Except, I knew something was there but couldn't really feel it.

I used my claw to poke the various muscles in my wing. Maybe if I kept causing myself to feel stuff in my wing I'd learn the muscles faster. I stopped poking and gently massaged the muscle. Alright, alright! I can feel something! Wow, it... it actually feels amazing.

"Ooooh, that's nice."

I hummed as I kneaded the muscles before moving both wings in front of me. My now much longer and prehensile tongue lolled out as I worked the knots out of the stressed tissue.

"Oh yeah, that feels amazing!"

Wait! I paused before realizing what I'd subconsciously done. With a bit of effort I replicated the feeling from before and my wings stretched out. I started experimenting and soon was slowly flapping them. I'd need some practice given I wasn't an expert on flight mechanics, but it was a start!

I looked at the sky and realized I'd spent a whole lotta time screwing around without actually making any progress. I rechecked my heading and began walking through the scenic fields. The map said there was a forest a relatively short distance away and that's where I hoped I'd make camp.

"Well... this sucks!"

I'd reached the forest as the sun was setting and, just as I was looking for a good place to make camp, it started to rain. I'd spotted a fallen tree trunk that was hollowed out and only open at one end and figured it was as good a place as any. I stretched out and put my backpack behind my head to use as a pillow.

"They don't tend to show this part of adventures as happening this early in books and movies. Usually it's laughing and eating camp food around a fire. I mean, sure I didn't have a tent, or a sleeping bag, or a lighter... or friends."

...

"Wow... I suck."

I groaned as I took my coat off and used it as a blanket. Honestly, I felt surprisingly comfortable, not cold in the slightest. But, it felt weird not to have a blanket.

"Well," I grumbled, "Here's to the new life of Drake the Thief."

Dawn broke over a forest of glimmering leaves and damp earth. I crawled out of my shelter and stretched out. I cracked my knuckles which reminded me of something I'd been purposefully ignoring. My claws, er, more like, lack of claws. I now had three toes and four claws, three if you excluded the thumb. It was just so bizarre to know you're missing fingers and toes. I mean, at least I still had fingers and toes! If Discord had turned me into a pony I'd probably have been screwed six ways to Saturday. I mean, how did they do anything with those blocky marshmallows!?

I'd seen a stream last night and soon found it again. I took off my jacket and waded right into the middle of the clear water.

"Might not be warm, but it's better than smelling like a landfill... I'm talking to myself. Dang, I need some friends or something. Like... a band of thieves or something."

I washed myself as best I could before realizing something important.

"Dang... I'm really hungry!"

I shook myself off as best as I could before grabbing my coat and walking back to my tree shelter. I opened the backpack and grabbed the crackers and the bag of gems. I pulled out a bright green emerald and held back a sob.

I... I have to eat... a priceless gemstone!? Why! Why cruel world! And even then, how do I wat something this... hard? Does dragon saliva dissolve it or something?

I popped the gem into my mouth and tasted something strange. It was... fruity?! For real, it tasted like green apple jolly ranchers! I carefully bit down on it and my now insanely large and sharp fangs crunched right through it. I slowly munched on the gem as I savored the taste. It was pretty dang delicious. Like candy except not overly sweet. It was unexplainable, something you had to experience yourself to truly understand.

I put the gems away and started eating the crackers as I looked over my map. Apparently I'd reach the foothills of some mountain range pretty soon and then I just went south along the mountains for a ways.

"Alright, first I've got to get through the forest and then the mountains. So far this forest has been, heck, only word to describe it is beautiful. I can't wait to see the mountains."

I donned my coat and slung my backpack on before setting off, using the sun to tell my direction. Honestly, it's pretty easy to do given the sun rises in the East and sets in the west. I wanted to go East, so I kept facing the sun.

"Sweet merciful mercy."

I stood at the edge of the forest and looked up at the behemoth mountains before me. For just being the foothills, they were pretty massive. And, curving its way up the side of the rock face was a narrow path. I groaned as I looked back at my useless wings and then looked at my bare feet.

"Come on, can't there be an elevator!"

I groaned before trudging towards the beginning of the path. I followed it for a while, taking in the sights as I rounded another bend.

"Honestly, it's not that bad. And the view is intense. I'm probably already near the summit."

I looked up the path and saw... yeah, no. I still had a while to go.

I crawled up the least bend in the path. It had progressively gotten steeper and steeper until my calves were burning. I looked up and saw that climbing this stupid mountain had taken all freaking day.

"When is this whole adventure going to get cool! I haven't even fought anything yet! My sword's basically just good for opening letters right now!"

I looked around the relatively barren mountaintop. A couple scraggly trees and scrub bushes, but nothing good for shelter. Until... up the side of a mountain to the left was a cave opening.

Okay, go in? Or stay outside? Pro, I'd have shelter and protection from the elements and stuff. Con, it could be home to some horrible monsters. Wait a minute, I'm a dragon! I am the apex predator! Alright, cave it is!

I climbed up the rock until I reached the cave mouth. It was... pretty huge. Like, way bigger than me. I gulped before heading inside.

It was dark, very dark. I cautiously crept through the creepy cavern, carefully crouched to keep quiet. I reached what might have been the middle when my foot hit something. A few feet away and to the right a bit, an eye shot open. Now, when I say eye, I mean a very large eye. An eye for a creature of gargantuan proportions. It was bright yellow with a black, elliptical pupil. I heard a low rumbling before I started to back away.

"Oooh, so sorry. I didn't know someone was home. I mean, not that I knew someone lived here! I just... I'll... be going, buh-bye!"

I heard a "THUMP" as something hit the ground and the creature's head turned in my direction. I heard it breath in before flames shout towards me. I ducked and watched as they flew past me and hit... a fireplace. With the added light of the large fire I could see the being from before.

Standing in front of me, beside a massive bed, was a dragon. Its scales were a pearly white and it was about two times as tall as me with my head being level with its belly button. Looking it over, I deduced it might be a female given it was wider in the hips than the shoulders, and it had a scale covered protrusion from its chest which, lets face it, made it look more... feminine in shape. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. "Drake, are you saying that the dragon had boobs?!" And no, I don't think so. It's just that its stomach and chest weren't flush with eachother. Making it look like it had... feminine "assets."

Before my eyes, the dragon rubbed her eyes before putting on a pair of half moon glasses and yawning.

"Oh, hello there! Would you like some tea?"

Uuuuuuuh... what? Okay, when you think "dragon's voice" you think deep and malevolent. Not what her voice was like. It was one of "those" voices. Like, if you somehow managed to make the feeling of drinking hot cocoa, in a warm sweater, beside a fire, in winter, audible.

"Uh... yeah, some tea would be fantastic."

She smiled and turned towards the fireplace. I took this opportunity to look around the cave. ...Okay, I've seen houses that were less inviting than this cave. There were soft rugs covering the floor and wooden furniture with the bark still on the legs. The large bed from before was made in the same style with a plain, yet aesthetically pleasing style. Over the mattress was a large quilt that I'm assuming she quilted herself. I dunno, just seems like something Dragon Mom would do. (And yes, I am referring to her as that now. Honestly, it just fits so well how could I not.)

"I must say, it's not very often I get visitors, especially fellow dragons. So, what brings you around the Ruppie Mountains?"

"Oh, uh, just traveling. I'm sorry for barging in, I was tired from walking up that trail and figured a cave was better than the side of a mountain."

She looked at me curiously.

"Well, I see you have wings. Why didn't you fly? Did you pull something or get hurt?"

"No. I just don't know how to fly."

She gasped and held a claw to her chest.

"Oh you poor dear! Did your parents never teach you?"

I shook my head no. Honestly, I wasn't about to tell her I was an inter dimensional traveller who had been a human before being turned into a dragon by a psychopathic amalgam guy.

Before I could react, she scooped me up into a hug. Okay, aren't dragons supposed to be terrifying and awe inspiring? Why was she so dang cuddly?! Honestly, her scales were the temperature of clothes fresh out of the dryer and she smelled like baked goods.

"Oh! Don't you worry. If you want I can teach you tomorrow."

I looked at her and raised an eyebrow (or whatever I had now.)

"Really? But you just met me."

She waved a claw dismissively.

"If I wasn't willing to help a fellow dragon in need, what kind of dragon would I be."

She looked down bashfully and said,

"And, well, given I've never had kids, I've never gotten to teach anyone how to fly. But I've always wanted to! I mean, imagine how much fun it would be, the feeling of satisfaction when they learn to fly on their own."

By now she was squeezing me a little too hard and looking off into the distance. I tapped her back and squeaked,

"Can't... breath! Too... tight!"

She let me go and started looking me over.

"Oh! I'm so sorry! Are you okay?"

I nodded as I caught my breath. Suddenly, the kettle began to boil which caused her to turn and remove it from atop the fire. She carefully poured out a cup of tea for us both before setting it aside. As we sat down (with my legs dangling above the floor) she gasped and straightened her glasses.

"Oh, how forgetful of me! We haven't had the opportunity to introduce ourselves. I am Tudoria."

"Drake."

She smiled.

"That's a very handsome name. Now then, would you like some scones? I made them this morning. They're rubie. Or, I baked a pie yesterday if you'd prefer that."

"Oh, uh, whatever you want, I'll have."

She smiled again and removed a plate from a nearby countertop.

"How polite. Scones it is then."

I don't know how you bake gems, but those scones were amazing. Anyway, it got later with Tudoria talking about this and that and how nice it was to get a visitor, but eventually she looked at a large clock hanging over the mantelpiece and said,

"Oh, I didn't realize how late it was! I got so caught up in the excitement that I completely forgot about being woken up!"

"Sorry about that by the way."

She waved it off with a claw before getting a blanket from a cupboard in the corner. She placed it on the couch by the fireplace and soon had a pillow for me too.

"I wish I had a spare bed for you, but I figured you'd prefer this over sharing with me. Especially given how adamant you were about not kicking me out of my own bed."

I nodded and patted her back.

"It's your house. And, I'm already in your debt enough for your hospitality."

She smiled before hugging me again.

"Your parents should be proud to have raised such a courteous young man."

"Thank you very much. I hope they are."

Eventually, Dragon Mom put the fire out and I lay there, trying to sleep. Now, some of you are probably thinking, "What if this is a trap? And she's going to eat you in your sleep?" And I have a very good answer for that. Trying to be suspicious of her would be like trying to be suspicious of that sweet old lady down the street who's lawn you mow for ten bucks. (What? Was I the only one who did that?) She's like everyone's adopted grandma or mom or something. Honestly, Tudoria was far nicer than most humans. Wait... Tudoria... Tutoria... Tutorial?!?

OH....

MY....

GLOB!

Author's Note

Hope you're enjoying the story! If you have any suggestions or whatever, I'm always glad to hear them, even if I don't implement them. Oh, and bonus points if you can name all the sources of the spells earlier in the chapter.

How to Get Trained By a Dragon If You're a Dragon

"Oh sweet Pajeebs! Oh dear mercy me! Oh shite!"

I clung onto Tudoria as we stood on the edge of a massive cliff. The ground was so far below us that I could barely see it through the morning fog.

"Don't be scared, if you fall, I'll catch you!"

I tried to slow my breathing as I looked over.

"Normally, heights don't bother me. It's just knowing I'm going to jump off the BIGGEST CLIFF I'VE EVER SEEN!"

She pat me on the back and said.

"But if you never learn to fly, how will you get through the mountains."

Grr... why'd she have to use logic.

"I know, I know. Just... can... can you walk me through the basics first?"

She smiled.

"Of course! Now, the most important thing to know is proper wing movement. Don't try to slap the air, scoop it. You aren't trying to move your wings straight up and down, you're moving in arcs."

"Arcs, got it."

She stepped away and slowly led me through the motions. It didn't seem too complex, just keep your wings synchronized and moving correctly. Like walking, except if you screw up, you die.

"Now, I'll show you what it'll look like and you can try to copy me from the ground."

She walked over to the cliff and jumped off. She reappeared a moment later, flapping her leathery wings in a controlled pattern.

"See? Not as hard as it looks."

"Yeah... okay... I, I can do this!"

I breathed in and shut my eyes. Alright, just jump off the cliff and flap my wings. Birds learn as babies, I'm way older, and I can do this.

I stood on the edge and started to breath deeply. I bounced on my heels before crouching and jumping off. I felt myself falling and made my wings begin to pump up and down. I kept it up but realized I was still falling.

"OH SH---"

A clawed hand wrapped around my torso and hoisted me against a scaly chest.

"Um... you need to flap faster. You weren't flapping fast enough."

I nodded as I clung to Tudoria's neck. She flew us both back up to the cliff before setting me down and motioning for me to go again. I nodded to her and jumped. This time I made sure I was flapping nice and fast. Unfortunately, I lost sync after a bit and spiraled out of control. Once again, I was rescued by Dragon Mom.

"That was much better! Keep on practicing and you'll get the hang of it in no time."

"Really?! Okay then. Let's try again."

Again and again I threw myself off the cliff, each time I'd spend a bit longer in the air before dropping like a stone. Each time Tudoria would catch me and bring me back, offering friendly advice on how to fix what went wrong.

We stopped for lunch when the sun was directly overhead. We both sat tiredly on the edge of the cliff as we ate the venison pie Dragon Mom brought. And dang, it was some good pie, and I told her so.

"Why thank you! I'm glad you like it. Now then, let's wait a bit before giving flying another try. Don't want to get sick."

I nodded and adjusted my coat. I'd left the backpack back at Dragon Mom's place and was very glad I did. I feel like it would have thrown off my balance even more than just trying to fly already did. I spent the brief pause taking on the sights and realized I could see a city on the side of a mountain in the distance.

"Is that...?"

"Canterlot. I remember back when the ponies lived in the Everfree forest. But, eventually they built the castle on that mountain and Canterlot around it."

"Huh, how long ago was that?"

"Oh... a couple hundred years ago."

I spit out the mouthful of water I'd just gotten and stared in shock at her.

"Wait, a couple HUNDRED years ago?!"

She nodded and looked at me in confusion.

"Why do you ask?"

"It's just... you don't look... hundreds!?"

She laughed and good naturedly winked at me.

"I guess I look good for being ooh... about nine-hundred or so years old."

I nodded, mouth wide open.

"Y-yeah! I mean... If I hadn't have know that I would thought maybe... uh... I dunno? Something less than a couple centuries, and that you just had grown larger than me."

She blushed and waved a claw at me.

"Now now, flattery will get you nowhere. Besides, I'm relatively small for a full grown dragon."

My jaw dropped again. She... was small!?

"How... how long do dragons live?"

She looked up and tapped her chin with a claw.

"Well... it all depends. Technically, if you don't get sick ever or ever get hurt one way or another... I think forever. Or at least, as close to forever as a living being can live."

"You're saying that... I'm immortal!"

She shrugged.

"In a sense. If what I'm thinking is true is true, you don't have to worry about dying of old age like ponies or gryphons or... well, anything else like that. Only other beings like us are alicorns or spirits, with some exceptions. Of course, I might just be a special case. I've never actually seen another dragon over two hundred years old. Actually... I didn't see any dragons at all until at least two hundred years ago. And even now, I tend to get tired really easily. In fact, I sleep longer and longer each time I sleep."

She yawned widely before smiling at me.

"Of course, I don't mind getting woken up to do something fun. I tend to spend most of my time awake doing various hobbies and eating until I sleep again."

I whistled,

"Talk about benefits! Being a dragon rocks!"

She sighed,

"It might seem that way, but those 'benefits' tend to seem like curses sometimes."

"How so?"

"Well, if you happen to be friends with, oh, say a pony or someone like that, you'll have to watch them grow old and die... while you stay the same. That's the reason many 'immortal' beings choose a life of solitude. Why risk all that heartache? Why fall in love or make friends that will die long before you will."

"Oh... that... I forgot about that."

She smiled and shook her head.

"And of course that isn't even factoring in how much food a full grown dragon eats! I mentioned I spend most of my awake time eating and doing various hobbies, and that's the truth! Trying to make enough food for one meal, or... even one mouthful is a pain in the tail!"

I cringed.

"Sounds like it."

"Oh don't worry, you probably won't have to worry about that for a long time."

I breathed a sigh of relief. At least I didn't have to worry about eating a metric boatload of food each day.

"Now then, ready to give flying another try?"

I sighed before getting to my feet.

"Yeah, why not."

By early evening I had finally gotten the basics of flight down. I might not be fast or be able to fly very far at one time, but I could fly. Dinner had been a... pretty somber affair. Dragon Mom was going back to sleep soon and I'd be heading for the location on my map. Who knew when or if we'd see each other again?

I'd been given some supplies and Dragon Mom gave me a short speech on making sure I bathed regularly and not to get into trouble (Sorry Dragon Mom, kinda not going to follow that one.) and then she just stood there. She sniffed and began tearing up.

"Oh... I, I know we haven't been aquatinted for very long. But... you've been very gracious to an old dragon like me, and... I'll... I'll miss you."

She surged forward and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her back before replying,

"Oh, cmon, don't cry Dragon Mom."

She gasped and... crap. I called her--

"Did... did you call me...."

"Yeah... sorry. It just kinda slipped--"

She squeezed a bit tighter.

"Oh are you trying to make me cry even more! That... that's the sweetest thing you could've said to me."

Okay... now, now I was getting emotional. Diddly darn it I didn't want to get emotional!

She took a shuddering breath before yawning widely. She looked at me before folding her arms behind her back.

"I... I don't want to overstep my bounds, but... would you mind if I... if I...."

I leaned towards her and nodded. She sniffed before planting a kiss on my forehead. She held her claws to her mouth before saying,

"Oh... you've been too kind to a silly old lady with old-fashioned dreams."

"Aw... I don't mind Dragon Mom. I... I'll come by forr a visit some time. I won't forget you."

She yawned again before smiling.

"I'd like that. Goodnight, Drake."

"Goodnight, Dragon Mom."

She smiled at the "Dragon Mom" part. Yeah... I can lay on the charm if I want. I headed for the couch as she made for her own bed. I looked at the ceiling as her breathing deepened.

No... no getting emotional. I'm not gonna get super sad... not gonna... oh hell.

The following morning I awoke and gathered my belongings before heading out. I pulled out my map and began to look around.

"Alright... I think I know where I'm going."

I faced towards what I thought was South given the sun was at my left. Here's hoping I didn't get hopelessly lost.

I crouched down before leaping into the air. I spread my wings and flew of towards my destination. Okay, you know how majestic I said the mountains were before? Double it. That's how awesome it looked from the air. I flew through the valley, some of the higher mountains were capped with snow, adding further to the scenery. Hopefully, I'd see some sort of landmark that would make my destination obvious.

I flew... and rested... and flew again. So far, rock, rock, rock and... yup, more rock. No big ass towers, or walls, or caves. Just regular old mountains and rivers. Eventually I landed, my wings exhausted. As I looked around at the evergreen trees and mountaintops, I sighed.

"C'mon Discord, give me a sign."

"Grrrrrr."

I froze before turning around, nice and slow. Out of the thicket behind me, a large shape began trundling in my direction. Out of the shadows strode the biggest dang bear I'd ever seen. And... it was purple. Why was it purple? It growled again and glared at me with its beady eyes.

"Hey! You don't want to screw with me! I'm a freaking dragon. So... just... turn around and go screw yourself."

He growled again and sniffed the air.

"Oh? You hungry you piece of trash? Well you'd better look elsewhere unless you want to taste STEEL!"

I fwooshed in my sword and pointed it at the bear. It backed away before growling again.

"Yeah, that's right. So back off."

I started to back away when it lunged towards me, paw swinging towards my head. I jumped back just in time for it to whistle past my head. I swung at it causing it to retreat and snap at me. We began to circle as I frantically tried to think of something to do.

Okay, it's me with my sword versus a very aggressive bear. I've only fought something in a video game and I don't know how well that translates to actual sword fighting. Unless... oh, idea!

I jumped backwards and threw my sword at the bear. It lept to the side causing my sword to stab into its shoulder rather than its head. It batted my sword aside and over the edge of the cliff. It turned to me looking angry and... smug?! Oh the cocky little--

"Oh, I'm so scared, whatever shall I do without my..." I whooshed my sword back. "Sword."

It grunted so oddly, kinda like it was trying to say, "Are you kidding me!?"

"Oh yeah, that just happened."

I threw my sword again, striking him in the side. I continued my "run like a coward while throwing my magic sword like a scum bag" technique until the bear roared one last time and ran off.

"Yeah! And think twice before you try to F**K with Drake the Thief!"

I laughed as I called back my sword. I don't know how it does that, but it's freaking--

*come forth, student.*

I froze. Okay, what was with--

Suddenly, the earth began to shake and the rock face to my left split into two doors that swung outward. I stared at the door before looking inside. I could see a corridor light with blue flames coming from some sort of lanterns on the walls.

Alright, door in the side of a mountain. Two possible outcomes. One, it's like in Eragon where there's a thriving civilization under the mountains. Or two, it's like Moria.

I gulped and stepped inside. As soon as I had crossed the threshold, the doors swung shut. I looked back before groaning.

"And so Alice went down the rabbit hole, not once considering how on earth she would get back out.... Please don't be Moria."

School Is In Session

As I walked through the long corridor through the mountain, I couldn't help but gawk at the walls and decorations on either side of me. Intricate carvings and large, detailed statues of dragons in long, hooded cloaks were positioned in such a way that there was always one statue to look at.

Soon, I reached the end of the hall and stepped out into a large antechamber light in a bright glow. Along the ceiling were strange windows that allowed sunlight to enter but couldn't be seen through. Near the opposite wall was a podium with rows of benches in front like a college lecture hall. Four doors were positioned around the room in alignment with a large carving of a star on the ground. Upon reaching the middle, a blue glow appeared to my side. I looked at the podium and saw that standing behind it was a dragon in a hooded robe. He was... glowing blue and transparent with a short white beard flowing from his chin.

"Holy crap... it's a ghost dragon."

He spoke in an echoey voice,

"If you are done gawking, take a seat."

I did as told and the spectre cleared his throat.

"Welcome to Ra'avez Instaria, the finest college of sorcery in the world."

I lept up.

"No freaking way!"

He gave me a stern look.

"Please, don't interrupt."

I shut my mouth and sat. He nodded before continuing.

"The fact that you are here means you long to learn the ancient art of sorcery. Now, be warned. Sorcery is a tool, and like all tools, can be used for the wrong purposes. If we discover that any student is attempting to use what they've learned for malicious acts against any living being, the consequences will be severe. Am I understood?"

I was too busy internally freaking out to respond and he raised his voice and repeated,

"AM I UNDERSTOOD!"

I jolted.

"Yes sir!"

He smiled.

"Good. If you'll follow me, I'll take you to the library to get your spellbooks."

I was practically vibrating by now. Honestly, any fan of anything fantasy has always wanted to learn magic. And, du-du-du-duuuh! Discord lead me right to... Ra... Raaah... wizard school.

I quickened my pace and drew even to the ghost teacher.

"So, you're saying you're going to make me a wizard?"

He came to a screeching halt and glared at me.

"A 'wizard'? You want to be... a wizard!? Dragons... are not wizards. Dragons are sorcerers."

"Uh... there's a difference?"

His ghostly eye twitched.

"If you are a unicorn who studies magic, you are either a wizard or enchantress. Both are inferior to sorcerers."

"Really?"

"Yes! They only can use the magic inside them for spells, and because of that their spells are more like formulas with set results and set scenarios of use. Whereas sorcerers use the magic inside of them as a catalyst to wrestle the ambient forces of magic to our control. Our magic is not a science, it's an art! One spell can be used an infinite amount of ways, limited only by the sorcerer's strength and imagination. Why, I knew a sorcerer who could defeat mages with far more spell mastery than him, with books of spells memorized. And, he only used a simple barrier spell. The reason he won was because he thought outside the box. I will teach you not only to cast spells, but to think creatively."

Okay, now I was even more excited. That sounded epic. I was going to be the most badass thief ever.

He sighed before shaking his head.

"I remember a time before the Fall when this school was full of students. Both young beginners, and veteran scholars. Each with their own focus on a particular school of magic. But, eventually dragons lost interest in magic. They only wanted to use swords and hammers. They grew barbaric and fond of war. That, was what caused the Fall."

He looked at me, a curious gleam in his eyes.

"My hope for you, is that you will be the successor of all of us that remain. Stripped of our corporeal bodies, but still very much alive."

"W-what was the Fall?"

He grimaced.

"It is not my place to tell you, I know that much."

I was about to argue when he held up a claw.

"Please, don't question me. Just know that dragons as a species went from living in large cities and creating many wonders, to living in caves like animals."

Ouch... that, that was definitely some Fall.

"So, Professor...."

"Ra'avez. This school is named after me."

"Professor Ra'avez, what did you mean by schools of magic?"

"There are several 'schools' of magic with each focusing on a specific thing. Elementalism is about controlling such elements as fire, water, lightning, earth and so on. Arcanism focuses on complex magical manipulation for spells like barriers, teleportation, gravitational fluxes and more. Regentism focuses on healing, Illusion on manipulating the senses and what people see. And Metraphistiation which is used to transmute and enchant various substances with powerful charms and spells."

I blinked a few times as that sunk in. Okay, I was expecting something like in the Elder Scrolls or Harry Potter. This, this was starting to sound hella complex. Ra'avez seemed to notice and laughed.

"I hope I haven't scared the excitement out of you. It's alot to take in, but I will assist you as I have every student before."

I nodded before saying,

"Can you also teach me how to sword fight?"

Shining Armor lead a squadron of guards towards the Rupee Mountains. Reports stated that a dragon was seen flying around the area and Shining had been sent to remove the dragon, by force if necessary. Accompanying him and his guards was Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, his fiance. She had insisted she come along given their upcoming wedding and she, quote, "wanted to keep a close eye on her Shiney."

As they crested the ridge, they spotted a large cave mouth that looked like somewhere a dragon would stay. He turned and addressed his guards.

"Alright, four of you with me. The rest stay with the princess and set up camp. Even if there isn't a dragon, we'll camp here for the night."

The guards saluted.

"Yes sir!"

Two unicorns, a pegasus archer, and an earth pony followed him up the mountain and into the cave. Before entering he called them into a huddle.

"Alright, if there is a dragon, I'll attempt to reason with it first. When it most likely attacks, Gale will fly above it. Iron Hoof will stay with me and Firebolt and Steady Aim will attack with magic from a distance."

They nodded and headed inside. After entering the pitch-black cave Shining light up his horn revealing a well furnished dwelling with a large bed occupied by a humongous dragon. Upon hearing their hoofsteps, the dragon lifted her head and yawned widely.

"Aaaaaaah... hello? Is someone there?"

Shining stepped forward as she put on her glasses.

"Dragon, by order of Princess Celestia you are to vacate this place at once. You are trespassing on Equestrian soil and will not be permitted to remain."

She stretched and rolled over.

"No. I don't think I have to. This is my home and has been for a long time now."

Shining sighed before lighting up his horn.

"Alright you overweight lizard. Get up or else I'll blast you to--"

"W-what did you call me!?"

He raised an eyebrow as the dragon shot upright and stared at him in shock.

"An overweight lizard. And I'll do a whole lot worse if you don't get your scaly flank out of Equestria now!"

"Well I never! Did your mother never teach you to respect others!"

He rolled his eyes.

"You're getting on my nerves. I don't want to blast a fat, lazy dragon if I don't have to, but if you don't cooperate I'll send you--"

"Why you! Don't you take that tone with me! I ought to teach you some manners you disrespectful hoodlum!"

He cast a spell and sent a bolt of magical energy straight towards her chest. It exploded against her, but barely even made her flinch.

"Hitting a lady!? That's it! Come here NOW!"

She grabbed him with lightning speed and put him over her knee. He started to yell.

"Let go of me you disgusting bit-- *Spank* OW!-- *Spank* OOW! *SPANK* STOP *SPANK* I-- *SPANK* SORRY! I'm SO-o-orry!"

She huffed before dropping him. He landed and began dancing in place, holding his rear. She pointed a claw at him and scolded,

"You ought to be ashamed. If I was your mother and heard what you said I'd do a whole lot more than give you a few swats. Now, if you don't learn to show others respect you'll never be deserving of respect yourself. Am I making myself clear?"

"Y-yes ma'am. I'm sorry ma'am."

She smiled and nodded.

"Good. Now go home and think about how you should treat others."

He sniffed and nodded before running out of the cave, followed by his troops. Once outside he turned to them.

"Why didn't you attack her!?"

They all shrugged before one of the unicorns stepped forward.

"Well, I didn't want a spanking too. You really shouldn't speak to a lady like that though."

...

"Shut it Firebolt."

Magic Is Hard

As we entered the library I looked around at the rows upon rows of shelves holding books of all sizes. The same lanterns from before hung at strategic locations in order to allow all books to be seen.

"Now then, what branch of magic would you like to learn first?"

I crossed my arms as I thought through my options. Honestly, all of them sounded cool, and I wanted to learn all of them. But... I didn't want to spend the next twenty years learning magic when I could be hunting treasure and going on adventures and stuff.

"Can you like... give me a crash course in all of them? Like, teach me some insanely useful spells from all of the schools now, I leave for a bit to go adventuring, and then I come back for more training after I've been using those spells for a while?"

He tapped his ghostly claws together before nodding.

"I believe I can do that."

"Sweet. So, what books do I need."

He held up a claw and said,

"We won't immediately start with spells, first you need to understand magic."

I took a seat as he straightened his robes before continuing.

"Now, I already told you what sorcery is all about. Using the magic present in us to control the magic around us. No other species can do this because no other species is as attuned to magic as dragons. All living beings in this world need magic to live, but whereas if you were to drain most of the magic from a pony they'd become weak and sickly. If you were to drain more than half a dragon's magic they'd experience fatigue, muscle cramps and pain, and if it prolonged until too much magic was removed, leave them comatose. Now, you might be wondering why it is that if we need our magic so much we cast spells. It is because we have masive stores of magic compared to the other races. An experienced sorcerer could reduce half a forest to ash without much more than a headache. Now, you won't be that strong until decades of training, but I'll get you started."

He motioned for me to stand and I did. I walked over to him and he cleared his throat.

"Now then, one of the most basic magical abilities a dragon has is breathing fire. If you thought that was a biological process, you are an idiot. How would a living being store fire within themselves? It's magic, and so instinctual that even dragons nowadays know how to do it. So, I want you to take a deep breath, and then channel your magic into your exhalation."

"How do I do that?"

"I don't know."

"What! You're supposed to be teaching me to be a sorcerer! How can you not know how to channel--"

"I know how I channel magic, this is dependent on you finding out how you channel magic."

Oh, that made sense. But... how do I channel magic?

"Is there anything more you can tell me? Any tips?"

He smirked and said,

"Just trust your gut. It usually knows what it's doing."

"Right, trust my gut. Very helpful."

My gut's saying I need a sandwich.

I breathed in and held it as I tried to "channel my magic." I thought I felt something and pushed as hard as I could. I felt pressure in my gut rise into my throat. Alright! Fire come out!

*Buuuuuuuurp*

I stood there with my mouth open as a flaming belch ripped out of my gut.

"Ah, like I said, your gut knows. Just keep working until you only get fire, without the burp."

I nodded and prepared to try again. Here's to hoping I don't screw up and have a "backdraft."

(A short while later.)

"Now that you've mastered fire breath, I'll teach you how to control your fire. The words I am about to teach you are in ancient Draconian and are used in all spells for controlling fire. They are 'fyair' (fire) and 'stylo' (control). They mean fire and control respectively."

"Yeah, I, I think I knew that."

He looked at me in confusion.

"You did? How do you know Draconian?"

I shrugged which caused him to sigh.

"Whatever's the case this is a basic Elementalism spell. So basic a ghost can perform it. Now then, breathe fire please."

I did as told and sent a rippling tongue of flame shooting out of my mouth. As I did so he raised his ghostly hand and said, "fyair stylo." As he said this a glowing glyph appeared over his palm. It looked like a twisted flame surrounded by a circle and a pair of intersecting hexagons. The flames warped and formed a circle as he moved his hand like a painter would a brush.

"Wicked."

"Indeed."

He closed his hand and the glyph was snuffed out alongside the flames.

"See, easy. Now you try. Light that brazier," he pointed to a large wooden bowl in the corner,"and then pick up the flames."

I nodded before shooting a burst of flames into the unlit coals. They caught quickly and soon a warm glow suffused the room.

"Fyair Stylo!"

Before my eyes a faint copy of the glyph from before appeared above my outstretched palm. But, it was very difficult to maintain the spell. I tried to control the fire and saw the flickering flames spastically trembling as I clashed my magic against that of this world. I barely managed to pull a small orb of controlled flames out of the brazier before the glyph faded, along with the flames.

"Hm, not bad. I've definitely seen worse."

I slumped exhausted into a chair. It had been not only physical struggle, but a mental one too. I'd had to focus every part of my being on maintaining that spell for only a few seconds.

"I... I thought you said I had large stores of magic!?"

He laughed.

"Your magical reserves work like your muscles. The more you use it, the stronger it becomes. It will take practice, but you will prevail."

I nodded as I slouched over. That had been the most difficult thing I'd ever done. Harry Potter didn't know squat!

"Now, you mentioned an interest in swordplay?"

"Yeah, I figured that would be useful for my line of work. You know, treasure hunting and all that."

He nodded before motioning for me to follow him. He lead me out of the library and into the hall to the left of it. Inside was a massive room filled with boxes of all sizes.

"Before you learn to fight with a sword, I should teach you some basic Metraphistiation. All ancient dragon weaponry was imbued with some basic charms. Others had more complex enchantments for such things as draining magic, enhanced sharpness, or anti-coagulation. But all were given three basic charms, one to make then almost impossible to break, one to cause them to never lose their edge, and of course, the Armament charm."

"The what?"

"Pick up one of the knives in this crate."

I looked in and saw that inside were knives of all shapes and sizes. I picked up a single edged dagger that looked like a tiny buster sword. With a grip big enough for one hand, a small crosspiece, and a squared tip that looked razor sharp. It began to glow before disappearing... just like... oooooh.

"There, that dagger is bound to you now. You can summon it at will and dispel it as well. Unfortunately all Draconian swords were lost during the Fall so--"

I summoned my sword and he stared at it like I'd summoned a giant plunger instead of my favorite magic sword.

"Where did you--"

"I, uh... I stole it from Princess Celestia's vaults."

He stood stock still before grinning widely.

"You robbed that upstart Celestia?!"

"Yup. Got the sword and a whole lotta gold."

I swear he was crying ghostly tears.

"My pupil, if I had a physical body I would hug you right now."

"Aw... I appreciate your appreciation. So, is this some super awesome sword of legend? Like, with all sorts of nifty--"

"No, it's just a basic sword. But it will be far superior to any you could buy nowadays."

I looked at the sword in my hand as I once again appreciated its artistic design.

"Alright! Even if it's a no-name sword of no importance, I'll make it a legend!"

"That's the spirit! To the training hall!"

(Meanwhile, back with the ponies.)

Cadence looked up as Shining Armor and his troops walked back down the mountain towards them. She noticed that they all looked a little... embarrassed. She trotted over and asked,

"Shiny, what happened?"

"N-nothing. The dragon just didn't want to--"

Cadence looked to one of the soldiers who immediately spoke up.

"She spanked him, your highness."

"What!?"

"Put him over her knee and everything."

Shining Armor turned to the soldiers and started gibbering.

"Y-you weren't--"

"She SPANKED my Shiny!? Oh, it is on!"

As she flew towards the cave Shining dashed after her.

"Cadence! Wait! She's not someone you should trifle with!"

As she landed inside the cave she glared at the form of the dragon that had been trying to fall back asleep.

"Okay you massive, scale-covered whore! Nobody--"

"YOUNG LADY! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth! I thought the unicorn was bad but you! You're an alicorn! You should have better manners. You're a princess for goodness sake!"

"Shut it! If you think you can manhandle my Shining Armor than you're about to learn a painful lesson. LOVE HURTS B***H!"

"Oh my! How vulgar!"

She scooped up a pony sized bar of soap she had around for just the occasion and shoved it right into the alicorn's mouth.

"Hmph! Let's see if some soap cleans up your filthy mouth."

Cadence spat out the soap and began rubbing a hoof against her tongue.

"Ugh! Iz horribll!"

"Yes it is! How can you use language like that! Children look up to you! If you don't clean up your act I'll personally fill your mouth with so much soap you'll never get the taste out."

"But I--"

"No buts! Language like that is inexcusable. The most disappointing thing is that the soldiers under your command have had cleaner language than you. How does that make royalty look, hm?"

"B-bad."

"That's right missy, bad. Equestria looks up to you and the princesses. How can your ponies respect someone who has a foul mouth?"

"T-they won't."

"Exactly. I hope you think about what I've told you next time you feel like using that kind of language."

"Yes ma'am, sorry ma'am. I... I'll be going now."

As she left Cadence gulped and thought to herself,

Now I see why Shining was so flustered. It's like trying to argue with his mom!

(Three weeks later)

If you were to walk down the far right hall of Ra'avez Instutia you would arrive in a room full of training dummies and sparing mats. Of course, if you were walking down that hall now, you'd hear something before you saw the room.

*Thwak!*

"OW!"

I stood panting as the enchanted dummy Ra'avez was controlling dropped its ready stance. We were practicing unarmed combat because, apparently, "In order to have the strength, endurance, and poise to be a swordsman, you must learn the art of Talio Pez (It was apparently Draconian for, like, Claw Style or something). All our students who learned the way of the blade also learned to fight with fist, tail, and claw beforehand."

I groaned as I walked back over. This stuff was seriously difficult to learn. It was about blocking, hitting, and slashing your opponent with your tail, and your claws as well as various grapples and other more acrobatic attacks.

He nodded before getting ready again. This was by far my least favorite part of magic school.

After a while of hitting eachother, we moved on to the actual sorcery. All the spells were in Draconian which meant I had to learn a second language. At the moment I was practicing a push spell and a pull spell.

"Quoira!" (Push)

A blast of magic shot from my palm and sent the stone practice ball flying.

"Now retrieve it."

I raised my claw and barked,

"Dro." (Pull)

It shot back towards me and I caught it with ease.

"Very good. You now know the basics of each school of magic."

I bowed to him as he said that. Along with the sorcery and swordplay, Ra'avez had taught me about Draconian culture. He continued,

"I believe now is the time foe you to go continue your adventure or whatever you've been planning to do. It will be good experience and will teach you how to use what I've already taught you. Go, and return when you wish to learn more."

"Yes master Ra'avez."

I straightened up and went to go collect my belongings. I'd been staying in the old dormitory which was right between the practice hall and the exit. I can't say I particularly enjoyed learning sorcery given how difficult it was, but it had been worth it. I said my goodbyes and soon had left the place I'd been staying for the past few weeks. As I entered the outside world, I breathed in the fresh air and smiled. Now I just needed to find somewhere to go. Maybe a pub to pick up some gossip.

I pulled out my map and looked it over. The nearest town was in an area marked the Gryphon Empire. It appeared to be a collection of islands with the nearest being a short way away. With my destination set, I set off in search of adventure.

Author's Note

Yes, I did make up a language. Yes, I am a nerd.

Grip

I sat on a log as my campfire cast an orange glow over the book I was reading. I'd picked up a few books after entrusting my stolen gold to Ra'avez. The one I was reading now was called An Introduction To Warping and Blinking. Basically I was trying to learn teleportation spells. I now knew the words to cast the spells, but I was reading about how to avoid teleporting into the middle of a mountain. Aparantly, the main difference between the two spells was that a blink was like a short-range, instantaneous dash that only went to places you were looking at. Warping went to anywhere and took a small delay to do so. In order to warp you needed to either have where you wanted to go memorized to perfection, or set a marker. The spell to make a marker was... a bit more complex. I was currently trying to turn a rock I'd found into a marker. (I won't bother writing down the paragraph of Draconian needed for the spell but just know it takes a while.)

I sat back and groaned as tiredness seeped into my limbs. That spell had taken a bit out of me. I walked over to a stump a few feet away and set down my rock before walking back to my log. I took a deep breath and cast the spell.

"Wyrp." (Warp)

The world folded in around the edges and tunneled out in front before I suddenly was standing in front of the stump. I smiled as I realized I'd done it before the exhaustion set in.

"Holy... I need to practice that one."

I picked up the rock and returned to my camp ready to collapse into my bedroll that had been graciously given to me.

Over the next few days of traveling I practiced my magic as often as I could. I also turned my sword and knife into markers because, why wouldn't I? Imagine how useful it will be to be able to throw my knife, teleport to it, and then shank a fool. I also worked on blinking and soon was able to not be disoriented upon stopping and could blink three times in a row without too much exhaustion. By the eleventh day of my journey I had reached a dingy little town by the sea.

I walked into town and saw that along with ponies, there appeared to be griffins here too. I spotted a tavern and decided I'd stop in there, you know, catch the local gossip and all that.

As I walked through the door I saw beings of all types sitting around drinking and playing cards. I headed to a small table in the corner and sat down, keeping a close ear out for gossip. At one nearby table a nervous looking pony with glasses was talking to a griffin with a large axe hanging from his back. At the same table was a minotaur (yes, half man half bull dude) with an insanely big sword leaned against his chair, a unicorn with a fiery red mane and tale and a yellow coat, and another griffin with a bow over her back. The pony, probably a girl and most likely a scholar given all the scrolls she had in her bags, adjusted her glasses before continuing.

"So if I'm correct all we need to do is locate the temple and the treasure is ours."

Treasure! Now that sounds like my kind of adventure. I wanted in.

The griffin nodded and said,

"Are you sure this place is real?"

"Absolutely."

"Hm... I guess we're going treasure hunting." He waved a claw at the bartender and called, "Another round!"

I took my opportunity and moved to the empty seat at their table. He looked at me curiously while the others placed their hands on their weapons.

"What do you want, dragon?"

I lowered my voice and said,

"I overheard something about hunting a treasure. And I want in."

He laughed and shook his head.

"I know better than to trust a dragon to be willing to split the loot. Scew off." He turned to the scholar and shook his head.

"I told you to keep your voice down. Now we got dragons trying to but in."

I placed a claw on the table.

"I think you should entertain the possibility of taking me along. I could prove most beneficial in your... endeavor."

The griffin cocked an eyebrow.

"Huh, you definitely talk better than most of your kin."

I smirked.

"Most of my kin don't have enough brain between the lot of them to find their way out of a cardboard box."

He laughed and the others released their weapons.

"Alright, I'll think about it. Now, where's our drinks."

He looked back just as a busboy placed a trey on the table. Along with the smell of alcohol, I could smell a clear chemical smell. Which meant--

I slapped the cup out of the griffin's claws just before he took a drink. He scowled and reached for his axe,

"You've got some nerve! I think I ought to teach you a--"

"Smell the drinks."

He frowned as he heard me say that and motioned for one of his companions to smell one of the mugs. The unicorn levitated one over and sniffed it before scowling.

"Well? What is it?"

"Drugged. Somebody wanted us knocked out. And I have a suspicion as to who."

Suddenly, a group of ponies entered the tavern and approached our table. One of them held up a wanted poster with the picture of the griffin across from me on it. It read,

Wanted: Grip the Griffin

For: Possession of illegal items
Attacking several Royal Guards
Various acts of violence

Reward: 2300 bits.

Warning, this griffin is extremely dangerous and accompanied by several other wanted criminals. If you see him, tell the Royal Guard immediately.

The pony slammed the poster down on the table and pulled out posters for all the other people too.

"Grip, you're coming with me."

Grip stretched his back and yawned.

"What if I don't want to?"

The pony grinned.

"It doesn't really matter what you want. By now the drug in your drinks will begin to take effect. You'll be asleep before you can draw your weapon."

Everyone at the table began to laugh as Grip snagged a drink from a nearby barmaid. He downed it and grinned.

"Do I look sleepy?"

The pony turned to the busboy from before.

"You little piece of filth! You were supposed to drug them!"

The busboy pointed a hoof at me and said in a wavering voice,

"H-he c-could smell the d-d-drug and stopped them."

I guess he finally paid attention to me because he looked at me and smiled.

"Well well, if it isn't Drake the dragon. I've got a bounty out for you too."

He pulled another poster out and... 1000 bits!? Wow, that was surprisingly much compared to the much lower prices for the minotaur, unicorn, and female griffin. Grip read the poster and whistled.

"What'd you steal to get that price?"

"A whole lotta gold from the royal vaults."

He looked at me with new appreciation in his eyes.

"Tell you what, after we clean up this lot, you can join up with us for a bit. At least for the job you wanted in on."

I shook his claw.

"Sounds good."

The pony from before, as well as his associates, growled.

"You all seem so sure that you're getting away. Well, I'm collecting those bounties, dead or alive."

I scratched my chin.

"What even is the policy on dead verses alive bounties? The posters don't specify."

The unicorn mare in the group of bounty hunters piped up.

"You only get a little more than half for dead!"

I waved at her.

"Thank you!"

"Shut it! Are we going to fight or are you coming quietly?"

I turned to the pony and pointed behind him.

"Well, we should take it outside. Don't want to mess up a perfectly good--"

He threw a punch at me that I easily caught. I looked from his hoof to his face and sighed,

"How rude."

I grabbed his other foreleg and threw him out the door. I lept after him followed by his bounty hunting friends and Grip and his crew. Upon leaving the building I spotted the stallion attempting to rise. I ran forward and punched him square in the jaw. He fell like a sack of potatoes.

"Hyaaaa!"

I turned as one of the ponies charged me with a sword in its mouth. I sidestepped before conjuring my sword and slicing across my assailant's legs. The pony stumbled and fell with a cry, hamstrung. A burst of magic shot past me as I saw Grip and his crew fighting the three unicorns. Grip's own unicorn was launching fireballs while the others were trying to get close. Two were firing magical rounds from a distance (well, one was firing way more then the other. The other was mainly shooting over everyone's heads.) while the third used his magic to send out some sort of pulse that kept knocking everyone and everything back. I could tell this was going to take a while and decided to intervene. I threw my sword like a javelin and watched it whip past all three unicorns. One of the ones in the back laughed.

"You missed you--"

"Wyrp."

The world folded and I caught my sword in midair directly behind them. I spun and cracked the unicorn who was making fun of my aim across the back of his head with the flat of the blade before whirling and slicing the pulse making unicorn's horn off. He screamed and toppled over, clutching his head.

I turned to the last and least threatening looking of the bounty hunters. It was the mare who told me about the bounties before. I noticed she looked a whole lot younger than the other ponies and was scared out of her mind. She had a light purple coat with a dark blue mane and bright green eyes. Grip stepped forward and looked at all the incapacitated ponies.

"What gives? You only knocked 'em out!?"

I shrugged.

"I didn't need to kill them."

He nodded and started walking towards the unicorn mare. He laughed which caused her to lower towards the ground.

"You picked the wrong fight little pony."

He cracked his neck and then his claws before growling menacingly.

"Maybe I should carve up your face to teach other would-be bounty hunters not to mess with Grip."

She gasped and began whimpering as she sunk lower and lower.

"N-no! Please! I'm sorry! I didn't want to! I thought bounty hunting was going to be easy and we'd just catch criminals like police ponies and, and," she began to cry and a tremor entered her voice, "I- I don't want to be a bounty hunter anymore! Please don't hurt me! I just wanted to make some money!"

He chuckled as she devolved into hysterical sobbing. He leaned down and grabbed her face, making her look him in the eyes.

"Isn't that sad? Well, I'll be sure to not leave any serious scars so you can still make a living... as a prostitute!"

He began to cackle as the pony flinched away and began crying harder. Alright, that was enough scaring the pony. Also, I think he might be serious now. At first I wasn't, but now...

I stepped between the two of them and crossed my arms.

"Alright, you've had your fun. Leave her alone."

He turned to me and laughed.

"I haven't even started to have fun! And besides, why do you care? Fancy keeping her for yourself? You dirty dog you."

I rolled my eyes and pointed to the scholar who had been hiding in the tavern.

"Don't we have somewhere to be?"

Grip sighed and shook his head.

"Yeah, yeah. Let's go, spoilsport. Although you'll have to do something about her or she'll tell her buddies what we're up to."

This made the pony begin to shiver again and I turned to her. Honestly, she was so pathetic I couldn't do something bad to her even if I wanted to. It would be like punching a kitten.

"What should I do?"

"If I were you, I'd probably kill her. She was planning on killing us."

The pony gasped and clung to my chest.

"Please don't kill me! Please! Please! Please!!! I... I'll go with you a-and be your assistant! Make you food and do your laundry a-and... please don't hurt me."

I looked back at the griffin who shrugged. I turned back to the mare and patted her on the head.

"Uh... sure?"

She started crying and kissing my hand.

"Thank you thank you thank you! You won't regret letting me live, I promise!"

"Yeah... okay."

Sheesh, she actually was convinced I was going to kill her!

I turned back to my new gang and we headed off. I looked around and realized that the townspeople were still cowering in their homes. I turned as Grip tapped my shoulder with a claw.

"You already know who I am, but meet my crew."

He pointed to the minotaur,

"This is Cleghorn."

The unicorn,

"Glowing Cinders."

And then the griffiness,

"And Meril. But claws off, she's mine."

He winked at me as Meril punched his shoulder.

"Noted."

I felt a tug on my sleeve and saw my new assistant looking up at me with adoring eyes.

"I'm Gemlight! Can you teach me how to do that cool sword thing you did! Ooh! Or how about how to punch ponies really good like you do! You were all 'Boom! Pow!' And Oak was all 'Oh no my face! Blaaaagh!' And then you--"

And so she continued to describe the fight as she saw it while we headed towards our waiting fortune. While I walked I pondered many things, foremost was one burning question...

HOW CAN SOMETHING SO SMALL AND ADORABLE TALK SO MUCH!

The Wilderness

We made camp for the night in the middle of the grasslands. We found a large dip in the ground with a large tree standing on the edge of one side. We all began setting up our tents and stuff as Glowing Cinders light the fire with a spell. We all gathered around the fire as a large kettle of soup cooked over the flames. Gemlight, my new unicorn follower, remained huddled behind me, as if to avoid everyone else.

"So, Drake. It was Drake, right?"

I turned to Grip and nodded.

"What's your story? I'm inclined to believe you've seem some things given the fancy fighting. Nobody learns how to do that by sitting around eating sweets."

I straightened my coat as I thought about how to respond.

"Not much to tell really. Only notable thing I've really done is rob Princess Celestia."

The minotaur, Cleghorn, stopped sharpening his sword and pointed at me.

"Ah want tah heer that tale boyo."

"If you insist. Basically, while Celestia was giving her speech about outlawing all dragons, I slipped into the Royal treasury and took as much as I could carry. Would have been a clean getaway if it weren't for her magic."

Everyone nodded and grumbled some choice words about the princess at that.

"I take it you guys aren't fond of her either."

Meril chose then to throw in her two bits.

"You can say that again. Why do you think Equestria is so wealthy!? Everyone's too scared of the Solar Diarch to try anything. Why would you attempt to muscle in on some contested lands full of riches when you know if you tick off the ponies too much and their peace-loving princesses, they'll eventually get fed up and turn your entire army to ash."

I whistled.

"She can do that?!"

Grip laughed.

"She controls the sun, she could roast the whole planet if she felt like it. Fortunately, she always tries for peace before resorting to... desperate measures. Of course, before the Griffin Empire signed the treaty we tried to fight back. In order to protect her 'little ponies' she reduced any of our troops who stood against her to ash. She might not like violence, but she is damn good at it."

I shuddered.

"Knew there was something off with that horse."

That got chuckles out of everyone and Glowing Cinders pointed to his rump where an image of a twisting flame sat.

"I got my cutie mark when I accidentally burned down the orphanage I was staying. I hadn't meant to, but things got out of hoof. When Celestia visited to console the other orphans, it came out that my magic had started the blaze." He chuckled and looked at the fire with shining eyes. "She wanted to take my magic 'for my own good.' As if she had the right to take something so close to me that it's branded on me. Long story short I ended up causing a whole lot of fires to get away."

Cleghorn sniffed and sheathed his sword.

"Ah used tah be brewmaster. Made tha damn finest ale ya could buy. One day ah pony who was a competitor ahv mine got killed in hes sleep by some cutpurse looking tah make some bits. Everyone kneew we were rivals ahnd they all blamed me. The guards came ahnd tried ta lock me up, weren't even givin me ah trial, but I wasn't havin it. I sent tha whoole sqad to the hospital and stahrted livin on tha run." He sniffed and rubbed a fist against his eye. "Because Celestia believed her bloody flee-bitten horses over common sense, my life was ruined."

Cinders patted him on the back as he started to cry. Grip shook his head and looked at Gemlight who had started to peek over the log I was sitting on.

"Those ponies have it so good. They get priority over every other species and there's nothing we can do about it. They prance around, getting fat and buying luxuries, while the other nations desperately fight for resources against each other. While in Equestria it's viewed as shocking if a pony has to skip a meal because they don't have anything, in the poorer sections of places like Minos and the Griffin Empire, it's the norm to miss meals because you have no money."

Gemlight poked her head up and sighed.

"Yeah, it sucks having no bits. I lived on the streets before I became a bounty hunter. Nopony would hire the dirty mare and all I had was a cardboard box. All us younger ponies had to stick together to avoid getting snatched by some creeps who wanted a quick roll in the hay. So when those bounty hunters came in, and I saw how loaded bounty hunters were, I asked if I could join up. I've always been handy with some light spells and magic shots, so they took me on." She shrugged before continuing, "I didn't want to hurt anypony, but it was better than the streets."

Dang, even in a world of magic and unicorns, the world's a mess.

I reached down and patted her head. She smiled and rubbed her snout against my hand as I scratched her chin. The scholar from before chose that gap to speak up.

"Pardon for interrupting this touching moment, but we should discuss the map I found before too long."

Grip pointed at her and said.

"Leaflet, she's our information finder."

She nodded and adjusted her glasses.

"Now then, this temple is located in the jungle to the West of here. We will have to cross the plains and skirt the edge of the desert in order to reach it. It should take about, oh, a few weeks to reach it."

Grip sighed and stood to check the soup.

"Why can it never be close."

Leaflet sniffed and put her map back in her bags.

"Because there's a reason these places still have treasure. They're hard to find."

He chuckled dryly as he began ladling some food into bowls for each of us.

"Makes sense, I'd hate to get my treasure stolen by some stinking pony archeologists or by that 'Daring Do' lady."

Everyone devolved into separate conversations as we ate with me talking to Cinders and Leaflet while Gemlight hid behind my back with her soup. Eventually the fire died down and we all retired to out tents. Mine was actually a bit bigger than theirs and a whole lot more durable given it was made by dragons. As I got in I noticed Gemlight beginning to lie down by the fire. I whistled which caught her attention and waved.

"You want to sleep outside or do you want in?"

She hurried over and scurried inside while I closed the flap. She sat down by the foot of my bedroll and smiled at me.

"Thanks. I didn't want to assume."

I shrugged as I began to take my coat off.

"It's fine. For a second I thought it was just because you were scared of me."

"I'm not scared of you."

I looked at her as she tilted her head in confusion.

"You're scared of everyone but the dragon?"

She nodded.

"Honestly, you've been nicer to me than anypony else... ever! You stood up for me and don't yell at me or call me names or hit me like everypony else always has."

I smiled and got into my bedroll before grabbing a book entitled Barrier Arts and opening it.

"Well thanks." I looked her over as she resumed her shivering which I noticed had been going on for a while.

"Cold?"

She nodded and rubbed her forelegs against her chest.

"Well if there's anything I can do to help, just--"

I didn't even finish before she had crawled into my bedroll and snuggled against me with a sigh.

"You're so warm! Is that a dragon thing?"

I laughed and rubbed her ear which got a hum in response.

"I don't know, I'm not an expert on dragons."

She nodded before yawning and leaning her head against my chest, her tail wagging adorably. I shook my head and draped my arm over her shoulders and started petting her as I read. She was a cute little pony, no matter how much she talked.

On the Road

After breaking camp we all followed Leaflet as she read her map. Gemlight was still asleep and I was carrying her on my back with her limbs secured by my backpack. Meril moved towards me and smirked.

"Quite a sight you make. A dragon, giving a pony a piggyback ride."

I rolled my eyes.

"Yah yah, see if I care."

She gave me a genuine smile and shook her head.

"It wasn't an insult. It's nice to see people who try to be nice to others. Also seeing you and her interact is pretty cute. You kinda act like you're her dad at times with how protective you are."

"Weird childhood that would be. 'Hi! My name is Gemlight and this is my dad! He's a dragon!'"

Meril chuckled.

"Now I'm glad we brought you two along. Also you can kick some serious flank."

"Why thank you."

We carried on in silence until Gemlight woke with a yawn and looked around.

"Wha... where did the camp go?"

"You were still asleep so I carried you."

"Oh. Well thanks!"

I nodded and let her down. She stretched like a cat before trotting to catch up.

"So how far did we travel already?"

Grip had come up behind us and said,

"Only a couple miles. Not too far."

Gemlight yelp and jumped onto me. She clung to my arm like a scared cat as Grip laughed.

"Sorry, couldn't resist."

I looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Please don't give her a heart attack. I don't know CPR very well."

He chuckled and drew even with Meril who punched his shoulder.

"You're such a knucklehead, Grip."

"But I'm your knucklehead."

She flashed me an exasperated look as Grip gave her a cheesy grin. Gemlight slowly got off me but kept me between her and Grip. I took a minute to look around at the flat expanse of the grasslands. Sparse groves dotted the ground far away and a mountain rose over the horizon. Ahead of us far in the distance I could see a thick belt of trees. Maybe that was were we were going?

"Hey Leaflet. Are we headed to a forest?"

"Jungle. Why do you ask?"

I pointed ahead.

"I can see it."

She squinted as did everyone else. Grip and Meril claimed to be able to see it, but nobody else. Maybe it was our predator eyes given we all had to spot things from the air. Also we were tall.

"Hmm... it's still a good three days journey away, so don't be fooled regarding its size.

We spent the day walking and occasionally taking breaks. By late afternoon Gemlight was exhausted and I was carrying her again. She moaned,

"Honestly, how can you all keep going like this!? My hooves are killing me!"

"We're used to it. We can't exactly take a train now can we!"

Grip's crew nodded in agreement and I turned to look at her.

"Dragons are just really tough. I mean, my scales alone are stronger than most armor."

She huffed.

"Lucky. Probably don't have to worry about bee stings."

I shrugged.

"I also can't show my face in Equestria because I'm a dragon... also I robbed the Equestrian Princess."

"One of them."

I looked at Leaflet and raised an eyebrow.

"One of them?"

"There are currently three alicorn princesses: Princess Celestia, the Solar Princess; Princess Luna, her younger sister and the Lunar Princess; and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, the Princess of Love."

"Love? What sort of bull is that!? Why not the princess of the sea or mountains or something cool. Why love? The literal most useless emotion possible."

Meril gave me a shocked look.

"Love isn't useless! Why, love is amazing. Having someone who cares so deeply for you and wants to be with you. And then you get married and--"

I interrupted.

"The romance dies off as does the novelty of marriage until you wind up not being able to be in the same room without arguing and can barely stand eachother. Trust me, if I wanted to waste my money and make myself miserable I'd skip the 'love' and hire a hitman to beat me senseless every day."

Everyone stared at me with opened mouths.

"Wow... whoo hirt yoo?"

I shrugged.

"I've observed that happening more than one time. Why should I even bother when I know it's all a lie."

Nobody really knew what to say to that. After a while, Gemlight tapped my shoulder and whispered,

"But... you like me right? Not, you know, romantically, I'm a little young for that, but... you know."

I gave her a flat look.

"I said I don't believe in romantic love. Not platonic affection."

She looked up at the sky as she tried to figure it out.

"So... you believe in the love ponies have for friends... but not for all that huggy kissy stuff?"

"Basically."

She shrugged.

"Works for me!"

That night after dinner I lay in my bedroll with Gem pressed against me again. Honestly, I really enjoyed her company like this. She was soft and warm and really cute, especially when she gave me the adoring look with her tail wagging like a puppy. As she slept I read Telgari's Compendium of Basic Spells.

I stopped at an interesting looking one and read the description in depth.

Libriva: this spell effects your sight by allowing you to see magical energies up to a certain distance. It's most useful for seeing biotic life through walls or other obstacles or detecting magical traps. As everything contains at least some magic, it is important to learn which objects have more than others.

"Huh, let's try it."

I looked at my tent wall and whispered,

"Lebriva"

Suddenly the world took on a blue tint and I could see everything as a light outline over the dark blue ground and darker air. A couple feet away was Cleghorn's tent and I could see a minotaur shape glowing bright blue. I looked around the camp and saw all the bodies of my companions.

Finally I looked directly beside my tent to Grip and Meril's tent.

"Oh hell. I did not want to see that! What's the off word!"

I looked it over before saying the basic "stop" command. (Morti)

I shuddered as the image I'd seem remained burned into my mind.

"Note to self, be careful with that one."

Days of traveling later, and we were camped on the edge of the jungle. Inside were strange creatures and plants, I could sense it. Also awaiting us was a treasure. But one question remained.

What was going to be guarding it?

Into the Jungle

"Eww... why is it so... gooey in here?"

Gemlight shook the mud from her hoof and moved towards me a bit more. Leaflet looked up from her map and said,

"It's a jungle. That means it has much more rain than most areas. Also, it's humid... very humid."

"And hot."

Grip groaned as everyone started to fan themselves and pant. Well, except for me and Gemlight. Gem scoffed.

"Hot!? It's not hot... or it might be? I don't know, I'm always cold!"

Meril shook her head and then stared at me.

"How are you still wearing that coat! It's like a million degrees in here?!"

I grinned.

"I'm pretty sure that my dragon body just flips the bird at climates of all types. Dragons raise their young inside active volcanoes you realize."

"I'm a pyromaniac who constantly lights nearby objects on fire, and even I think it's hot."

I gave Cinders a smug look before following after Leaflet. She lead us over fallen trees and over narrow ledges before stopping earlier than most nights given everyone was exhausted, thirsty, and soaked in sweat. (not me, I was fine. Thank you Discord for the dragon body!) We made camp beside a small pool. as we set up our tents Cleghorn went to get a drink only to spit it out.

"Salt water!? Why tha bloody hell is there saltwater here!?"

Everyone rushed over. Sure enough, the pool was saltwater. Grip groaned,

"Great! Now we have no water! Fantastic. Anyone got any ideas?"

As they discussed possible solutions I pulled out my spell compendium and flipped to the section labeled "basic survival spells." Warmth spell? Not helpful. Air conditioning spell? Oh... actually useful! Poison detection, compass point, camouflage, rain barrier... okay, I'll have to keep this section in mind incase it rains. I found a water filtration spell and filled the large kettle before rereading the words.

"Pisce du aquari." (Cleanse the water)

The symbols for the words appeared over my hand and the water glowed bright blue. It took quite a bit of energy, but not too much. I dipped a claw in and tasted it. Yup, it was clean. But it was piss warm. I looked back at the air conditioning spell and started picking it apart.

Okay, the spell is "Quelt du vingra" (cool the air) so... just "quelt" would be "cool" so....

"Quelt du aquari."

Once again the symbols appeared over my hand and the water glowed before becoming icy cold. I whistled which got everyone's attention.

"Hey! Want some water?"

Everyone rushed over and looked at my kettle of "saltwater." Grip shook his head.

"Drake, why would you fill the kettle with salt water? Now everything's going to have--"

"Shut up and drink it."

He looked at me before rolling his eyes and dipping a claw in. He flinched as rather than warm water, he felt cold water. He looked at me curiously before dipping a cup in and taking a sip. His eyes widened before he gulped the rest of the cup down.

"How did you!?"

"Trade secret."

Everyone looked back and forth between us before Gemlight asked,

"Okay, what's going on?"

Grip got another cup and said,

"Somehow he not only made fresh water, but it's ice cold!"

Leaflet huffed.

"Preposterous! A skilled wizard wouldn't even be able to pull that off without a lengthy ritual!"

He gave her a cup and she too stared at me in shock.

"How..."

"I'll say it again, trade secret."

As everyone got a drink I set about working on the air conditioning spell.

"Step one: draw the phrase 'cool the air' in a continuous circle around your camp."

I began drawing the intricate symbols with a stick as I walked around the camp.

"Step two: designate duration of spell by adding the desired amount of time to the end of the incantation."

Okay... I don't really know how to say times in Draconian... But I think we need it for only, like, three hours. So... "tri... hours?" (Three prostitutes) NOPE! How about... "tri oors?" (Three hours) Nice.

Once the circle was completed I placed my hand on the ground and whispered, "Quelt du vingra tri oors." The circle glowed faintly before a transparent bubble rose over the camp. I brushed my hands together as the cost took effect.

Okay... I needed to sit down. I staggered over to camp and sat down on a log. Everyone jolted and looked around frantically as the air became cooler and more comfortable. Everyone looked at me as I sat exhausted on my log before Cleghorn rushed over and hugged me.

"Mate! Yoo are a bloody lifesaver! Ah just... how did... Ah don't care! Ya made it cool! It's comfortable again!"

He danced a little jig as everyone started cheering and slapping me on the back. As dinner was being made I looked around with satisfaction as everyone enjoyed the cool air. Well, almost everyone.

"Drake! Why'd you have to make it cold!?"

I looked at Gemlight as she rubbed her forelegs. I sighed and scooped her up before tucking her securely against my chest. She wriggled around until she managed to burrow under my coat and popped her head out the top. I chuckled as I felt her silky tail flick against my chest as she got comfortable.

"Much better! Wow... this is a really comfortable coat. I can tell why you wear it so often."

I raised a claw and scratched her ears as everyone looked over and laughed at the ridiculous sight. Everyone was so busy laughing, they never noticed the rustling in the treetops, or the small ball of a mysterious substance get dropped into the cooking pot. After eating, it wasn't long until everyone began to feel sleepy. They never even reached their tents.

Author's Note

Sorry about the short chapter, but it's the fourth of July so... I'm busy being free. Thanks for reading and God bless America!

Dangers of the Jungle

I awoke to find myself chained to a wall. Now, if that wasn't weird enough, I noticed everyone else was restrained too. To further weird me out we were in a large room made of smoothed, seamless wood. Like a hollowed out tree. A little bit away a cauldron was sitting over a dead firepit. I didn't see anyone here so I decided to look around differently.

"Libriva."

As I looked around with my magic infused eyes I saw a pony shape above us. Said pony appeared to be walking towards a door and coming down towards us.

"Morti."

My vision returned to normal as everyone else began to stir. Grip looked up at his bonds and began to look around.

"What the hell?!"

"Ah, I see you are awake."

I kid you not, a zebra walked through the door. A freaking zebra with a voice that showed clear African decent. She had black and white stripes (no duh) and her striped mane was styled in dreadlocks down around her face. Bright purple eyes shone deviously as she sized the gryphon up.

"Who the hell are you and why are we chained to the wall?!"

Everyone else voiced their complaints as they awoke. Zebra laughed before gesturing to her cauldron.

"As you can clearly see, I am a witch. I brew potions that grant me power beyond comprehension. But, to brew those potions, I need ingredients. Most can be found in this jungle, but some...."

She chuckled again as she looked us all over before walking to the opposite end of the wall where Cleghorn was.

"Minotaur horn and blood is vital for creating potions of strength and endurance."

Next she approached Meril.

"The beak, feathers, bones, blood and claws of a gryphoness. Useful for many concoctions."

Then she walked to Leaflet.

"An earth pony hoof and a bit of fur can make one pony as strong as ten."

Next was Cinders.

"As for you. You're not bad looking. I'll use your horn to make an infatuation potion and keep you around to... scratch the itch."

He shuddered as she moved to Gemlight.

"Once again, powdered unicorn horn is most useful. As well as the blood of a virgin. Fortunate that you are young. Not many remain untouched for long."

As Gemlight cowered away I started trying to remember that lock picking spell. Next was Grip.

"Your feathers, eyes, claws and beak can be used to control wild creatures."

"Try to take my eyes and you'll lose a leg!"

She cackled before trotting over to me. She positively beamed as she looked me over.

"And a dragon. I've always wanted one of you. Scales useful for hardening weapons. Blood for curing even the most deadly of diseases. Tears to make a mare look young forever. And..." she looked over at the ingredients layed out already before winking at me. "Seed of a male dragon to brew a potion that allows the drinker to speak to and command the very beasts of the jungle at will."

"Ew! You're going to try to... and drink it!? You're fricking gross!"

Everyone else gagged and Gemlight said,

"Wait, what's she going to do?"

Leaflet took that as a time to demonstrate her intellectual prowess.

"She is going to stimulate his member until he orgasms and collect it before brewing a--"

"What?"

Cinders rolled his eyes.

"She's going to jerk him off into a bowl and make a potion out of it."

"Eeww! That's so gross! What is wrong with you!?"

By now the zebra was getting annoyed.

"You laugh now, but you'll change your tune as I remove the necessary ingredients and you who are still alive spend the rest of your miserable lives as bloodbags!"

I needed more time. She already had gotten a flask and was walking over to me. Everyone looked at me with pity and frankly I wasn't looking forward to getting raped by a zebra. If only I could... what was it? Cut... something. She sat down and raised her hoof. I needed to stall.

"So, what's your big scheme?"

She huffed.

"What scheme? I'm just going to rule the jungle. Plain and simple."

She pressed her hoof to my lower region and I tried again.

"So what are the odds you've been looking forward to this?"

She froze.

"What?"

I looked at Grip.

"I mean, she just happens to want to do this first? She obviously is turned on by the idea of... you know... 'collecting her ingredient.'"

Grip smirked but remained concerned as she scowled.

"I could care less for your body--"

Cmon cmon! Cut--oh? Cut--ee? Cut... Cutuio!(Unlock)

As she was gesturing to her cauldron I looked up and whispered,

"Cutuio."

My shackles unlocked with a click just as she turned to face me. I raised my claw and pointed my palm at her face before she could react.

"Quoira!"(push)

The glyph flew from my hand and slammed into her sending her across the room where she landed like a ragdoll. I pointed to the other's bonds and shouted,

"Cutuio!"

Their restraints popped open as I turned to the zebra who began to rise to her hooves.

"Dro."(pull)

She flew across the room and I caught her by the neck and held her aloft.

"Not so tough now that I'm free, are you?"

She choked for air and weakly batted at me with her hooves. I squeezed and slammed her into a wall before grabbing her rear hooves and slamming her to the ground. As she reached for a bottle on a nearby table I summoned my knife and drove it into her shoulder. She screamed as I pulled it out and grabbed the bottle.

"What's in here? Something bad?"

She started shambling away and I threw the bottle. It shattered right in front of her releasing a cloud of green vapor. She choked before slumping over, unconscious. I turned to my companions who were looking at me in awe.

"What?! I think she deserved it. Who knows how many people have suffered because she needed 'ingredients.'"

Grip shook his head.

"It's not that, it's just... that was...."

Gemlight bounded forward and hugged me.

"AWESOME! You were like distracting her then you said some weird gobbledygook and she went flying! And then you were putting the smack down on her and it was SO COOL!"

I laughed as she snuggled her cheek against mine.

"And you saved us all from horrible stuff like getting pulled apart and bleeding and...."

She laughed as she nuzzled my cheek.

"Sheesh! Calm down Gem! Did you really think I'd let her hurt you?"

I looked at the others who were giving me appreciative looks.

"Or any of you. Sorry, but she'd need a whole lot more than some shackles to keep me down."

Everyone chuckled as Cinders walked over to the sleeping zebra.

"So what are going to do with her? If we leave her she'll just capture some other schmucks and torture them."

"Anyone know a memory spell?"

Cinders and Gemlight shook their heads. I sighed.

"I don't see any other way but to... you know."

Grip nodded.

"Not that she doesn't deserve it. I have a feeling we weren't the first."

"Yeah. I'll take Gem and meet you upstairs."

As I carried her out Gemlight looked back and said,

"Wait, what is he...."

"Don't worry about it. Let's make sure nobody else is stuck here."

I pretended not to hear the solid thunk of axe hitting wood.

As we explored the witche's house we found rooms filled with strange masks and charms, rooms full of bottles and scrolls where I spotted our bags, and finally a room with a bed. In the bedroom I saw a large metal cage sitting in the corner. I looked inside and saw a pitiful sight. A mare, older than Gemlight but younger than Leaflet was huddled in a corner. Her coat was shaggy with scars showing all over and her mane was ragged. She turned to look at me, showing she was missing an eye.

"P-please. Do you have anything to eat? I... I'm so hungry."

I unlocked the cage and slowly reached inside. She shied away and covered her face with her hooves. I slowly continued until I gently stroked her back.

"Shh. It's okay. I'm going to help you."

She looked at me in confusion. It was obvious she had given up hope a long time ago. I gingerly picked the shivering mare up and carried her in my arms. She looked frantically around.

"N-no! She'll catch us! I... I don't want to be punished again! I can't! It hurts too much!"

I held her tightly as she feebly struggled in my grip. I returned to the room with the scrolls where I had seen our bags. I pulled out half a loaf of bread and gave it to her. She sniffed it before slowly taking a bite. She froze and tears welled up in her one good eye.

"I... I know this. It's bread. Equestria... I... I ate stuff like this before."

She began to voraciously devour the bread until I stopped her. I'd heard stories of the prisoners in concentration camps being given food by soldiers and their stomachs not being able to handle it. I wasn't letting her die now.

"Slow down. Savor it. You're free."

She choked and looked at me as Gemlight sat down beside her.

"F-free? I... I'm...."

"I'm taking you with us. Far away from here. Anywhere you want to go. Well, after we find what we're looking for."

She looked at the bread and then looked over at Gemlight who was holding a small piece of fruit out towards her.

"I... I can go home?"

I nodded and she started sobbing.

"I'm... I'm going home!? It's been so long. I... I don't know how long I've been here. Me and my friends were on vacation. We'd just graduated from high school and wanted to visit the jungle. They... she killed them. She cut them up and stewed them into potions. She kept taking my blood and my fur and my mane."

She reached up and touched the empty space where her eye had been.

"My eye."

I reached into a bag and pulled a strip of cloth out. I tied it around her head so it covered her gaping socket. She started to shake and cry harder.

"Is this real? For so long I dreamt of somepony rescuing me. But... I never thought someone would."

She shivered again and I pulled her closer. She shuddered again before leaning against me. Gem shifted over and patted her on the back. Grip and company chose then to walk in. Everyone looked on in pity as I comforted the grieving mare. She took a shuddering breath and spoke in barely more than a whisper,

"Petunia, Clockwork, Rosemary, Cloud Skipper... I'm going home. I promise... I'll tell your parents goodbye for you. I... Why was it only me that is still here."

She looked up to me, despair covering her face. Obviously survivor's guilt.

"Why did only I survive?!"

I rubbed her back gently and shook my head.

"You just did. Don't feel guilty. The only one to blame is the witch, and she won't be bothering anyone ever again."

I had to carry her out of the house. She was so weak and thin she couldn't walk. As we left the witch's house behind the now free mare clung to four buckles we'd found. One had a flower on it, one two interlocking gears, another a green plant, and the last a cumulous cloud. Seeing her like this made me realize. I might be a thief and a rogue, but that didn't mean I couldn't still be a good guy. I wasn't going to be a villain, or a hero. I was going to be whatever the hell I wanted to be. I'd ignore the rules and do whatever I felt was right. And woe be to those who'd try to stop me.

Closing In

We made camp by a river and soon set about preparing for night. I waved Meril over and gestured to the mare we'd rescued. She'd muttered her name was Sunny Smiles but other than that mainly just stared off into space.

"Can you take her to the river and clean her up a bit? Who knows how long she's gone without a bath. And maybe do something to make her mane look better. I think that's a sore spot for her and maybe it'll help her adjust faster."

She nodded and approached her as I helped Gem set up the tent. When we were almost finished Grip slapped a claw onto my shoulder.

"Never really got to tell you, but that was fine work you did with that witch. Of course, I was in the process of picking the lock as she was talking but you did it faster. Thanks for that though. Who knows what she might have done if she'd noticed me."

"No problem. I just decided to take matters into my own hands."

I felt a jerk on my left claw and looked down to see Leaflet looking it over and muttering to herself.

"Can I help you?"

"That was some form of magic, I'm sure if it! How did you learn how to do that? What spells were those!"

I pulled my claw away.

"Sorry but that information is private. Not going to tell you."

She frowned and huffed.

"Come now, if you were willing to use magic in front of us it can't be that much of a secret."

"I was desperate. But the fewer people that know, the better. So please, don't tell anyone."

I raised my voice so the others (who had been eavesdropping) could hear.

"Same goes for you all. Keep my secret and you keep you tongues."

Everyone shifted awkwardly as they realized they'd been discovered and went back to their tasks. Once I was done setting up I flipped back to the survival section in my spell book. After a brief search I found what I was looking for. A basic perimeter spell. What it would do (apparently) was notify the caster whenever something (living thing. Not plants or dust) crossed the perimeter. The word was "Termina" (perimeter) and you just had to draw a circle around your camp and say the word. Simplicity itself.

I got a stick and drew a wide circle around our camp before saying the magic word.

"Termina."

The circle glowed before returning to normal. I stepped over the line and back in. Nothing.

"Did it not--"

Suddenly I... felt... a buzz in the back of my head. Like my skull was vibrating slightly. I looked and saw that Meril had returned with Sunny on her back.

"Good! Hopefully this will ensure we don't have any 'surprises' tonight."

I returned to the fire as Cinders set the cauldron on to boil.

"Drake, if you keep bringing people along we're going to run out if food. In fact, where's our new friend going to sleep? I don't have room for her. No one else does unless you and Gemlight have extra room."

Gem poked her head out of the tent.

"We have room!"

Cinders nodded and I looked over at Sunny. She looked a whole lot better now that her fur wasn't matted down with filth and dried blood, and her mane was clean and untangled. It was very short from all that the witch had cut off, but Meril had helped style it somewhat. She still had the eyepatch I'd given her and all the scars from her time as a captive. On her flank I saw a picture of a large sun with small, white clouds beside it. She still looked spacey and scared, but seemed happy to be clean. Cinders began to stir his soup before saying,

"So, Sunny Smiles, where are you from?"

Sunny flinched as Cinders continued stirring the pot.

"W-what?"

"Where are you from? Before the whole 'incident.'"

She rubbed a foreleg against her shoulder as she bit her lip.

"C-Canterlot. My parents live in Canterlot."

"Are they some high and mighty nobles?"

"N-no. My dad, Greenhouse, is a gardener. My mom, Pretty Penny, works at a big department store."

Leaflet looked up.

"The same Greenhouse and Pretty Penny who are the uncle and aunt of Compass Rose?"

Sunny looked baffled.

"How... how do you know Compass? She's my cousin?"

Leaflet held up her map.

"She's one of the best cartographers I know. I often frequent her shop. Anyway, if your parents are who I'm thinking of, Compass mentioned she helped them move about a year ago. Apparently they couldn't stand to stay in Canterlot for 'personal matters,' which I now know, and moved to some backwater named 'Ponyville.' Dreadfully unoriginal name if you ask me."

Sunny looked down in shock and I spoke up.

"Guess I know where I'm taking you after this whole adventure is over."

She gave me a dumbfounded look.

"W-what?"

"Well I promised to take you where you want to go, so I figured you'd want to see your family again."

She nodded before touching her mane and then sliding her hoof down to rest under her eye.

"B-but. Will they even want to see me? Look at me. I'm... hideous. I'm covered in scars and missing an eye. What if my parents don't want a daughter that looks like this?"

Gem hopped onto the log beside her and hugged her.

"If they love you so much that they need to move cause they miss you so bad, they'll be too happy to see you to care."

Sunny grew a small, strained smile as she heard that. The first smile since we'd freed her.

"Dinner's ready."

I turned just as Cinders began ladling soup into a bowl. As we ate the soup, I couldn't help but wonder what the reunion between Sunny and her parents would be like. Although, there'd probably be lots of crying however it turned out.

With dinner done and everyone getting sleepy, we all made for our tents. As I got into my bedroll with Gem immediately hopping in beside me, Sunny stood nervously in the entrance.

"If you want to sleep by yourself you're welcome to use my coat as a blanket."

She nodded but before she could Gem grabbed her and pulled her over to the bedroll. With her beside Gem and Gem pressed against me, it was a little cramped, but not awful.

"No way, Sunny! You're not sleeping on the ground after you just got rescued. You're sleeping in relative comfort tonight!"

Sunny nodded mutely and turned over as I extinguished the lantern.

(Meanwhile, a ways away.)

Six mares set about setting up six brightly colored, individualized tents. As one pink mare bounced towards the others, a certain white unicorn asked her purple unicorn friend a question.

"So, Twilight, darling. Why did we need to come to this dreadful place? The humidity is absolutely ruining my mane."

Twilight smiled as she closed her book.

"Sorry about your mane, Rarity. But deep in this jungle is a temple that holds an enchanted amulet that Starswirl the Bearded gave to the ponies of the jungle. It allows the wearer to understand the language of animals!"

Pinkie squealed as she popped up in front of Twilight.

"So you're saying I can finally really real foreal tell what Gummy is really absatootaly saying?"

Twilight nodded which caused Pinkie to cheer and leap high in the air. Rainbow Dash flew down and hovered beside her.

"You said there'd be treasure too! I've had my eye on a signed Wonderbolts uniform for a while."

Twilight laughed.

"Well, there probably will be treasure. But the real treasure is that this amulet will allow me to learn about magic that's been lost to the ages! Princess Celestia will be so proud of me!"

The other ponies laughed at their studious friend before heading into their tents for the night.

The Temple

We all finally came to feeling groggy and with foggy memories. As we pulled ourselves together, I tried to remember what happened. I laughed and elbowed Meril.

"Hey Meril, remember when I started petting you? That was crazy."

She rubbed her temples and looked up at me.

"Uh... wait.... No, that was Grip you were petting. And you were talking about how soft and cuddly he was. Then he started hugging you and laughing about how it tickled and then Gemlight got confused and hopped onto Grip's back and started nuzzling him and... it's a blur after that."

I paused as I tried to remember said events.

"Oh yeah... awesome."

As everyone started talking about the crazy stuff we'd done under the influence Leaflet began getting her bearings. She whistled and said,

"We're almost there. It's only an hour long trek to the temple."

We all cheered and eagerly set off, ready to reach our goal before more trouble reared its ugly head. Leaflet proved correct as within a few minutes a large, stone structure could be seen through the trees. We approached the front door and Leaflet was about to open it, when I stopped her.

"Give me a second."

Now, I've played enough video games and seen enough Indian Jones movies to know you always check for boobytraps. Fortunately for us, I knew a spell that would hopefully help me see any magical discrepancies with this place and avoid an icky, painful end. After I cast "Libriva" I checked along the door, looking for some sort of mechanism or tripwire my magic sight would reveal.

The doors themselves didn't show anything, but the first row of paving stones along the floor had a brighter glow to them. Meaning, either they were enchanted, or they had empty space below them. Either way, a big no-no. I held up a claw and waved the group back before slowly opening the door. I motioned for everyone to stand clear of the doorway before pressing myself against the outside wall. I summoned my sword and used it to press down one of the tiles while remaining behind cover. No sooner had I done this than spears shot out of the doorframe. Everyone looked nervous as the spears retracted into the walls again.

"Right. Don't touch the first row of paving stones or you'll become a shish-kabob."

Everyone nodded before we all circled up and started discussing who was going in and who was making camp further away so we'd have someplace to bring the loot. We all knew Sunny wasn't going in the dark, creepy ruin, but we hadn't determined who was staying with her. I elected Gem stay (I didn't want someone as young as her getting herself killed trying to prove something) ,but she wanted to come with us.

"Drake! You can't make me stay! I want to help you find the treasure!"

"You saw those spears, right! I really don't want to have to retrieve you from something even worse!"

"But nopony else knows any light spells!"

"I can see in the dark and Cinders can make a torch."

"But what if some trap is that the whole place is filled with burny stuff that makes it that torches kill you! He should stay to protect the camp and the treasure. He's good with magic and he knows how to do it."

Unfortunately, she had a point. We didn't know if that would happen and neither Sunny or Gem knew how to make camp or protect it from either wildlife or thieves. Reluctantly, we agreed Cinders should stay at the camp.

With that out of the way, we entered the temple. Me in the lead, using my "Libriva" spell to see in the dark and look out for traps, Leaflet behind me, then Gem using her magic to provide light, then Grip, Meril, and finally Cleghorn at the back. I navigated us around two more traps before something went wrong. I'd seen a bright light on the wall coming from a gem, but just figured it was a lantern of some sorts. As soon as I walked in front of it, I heard a click and darts shot from the wall and hit me from the side. I jumped before breaking the gem with my sword and looking myself over. I seemed to be alright and, due to the large pile of broken darts at me feet, unscathed.

"Thank goodness for scales. I'd be a pincushion right now if not for them."

Leaflet picked up a dart and sniffed it.

"Poison. If anyone else would have been hit by them, they would be dead. Try to be more careful."

I nodded and we continued. It was smooth sailing from there with no more traps of any kind. Eventually, we entered a gargantuan, hexagonal room. In a far corner a veritable mountain of gold. I whistled in appreciation as everyone looked over the impressive loot. Grip nodded and said,

"Not a bad haul. Definitely better than some."

Before anyone could react, a long, pink something wrapped around my ankle and tugged me off my feet and began dragging me across the ground. Out of the shadows of one of the corners of the room could be seen the head of some sort of massive toad. I conjured my sword and tried to slice through its tongue only for my blade to slide off it without cutting. I finally reached it and could see exactly what we were dealing with. Squatting in a deep pool of water in the darkest corner was a colossal, warty, and very fat toad. Its skin was the color of a rotting log and very shiny with ropes of translucent slime dripping off of its chin and pouring off its sides. It flicked its tongue and flipped me into the air before attempting to swallow me whole like a fly.

Now, when I say it was colossal, you might not realize exactly how big it was. It was as high as a two story house and about twice as wide. For scale, the room we were in was roughly a bit larger than a football field with an extremely high ceiling, so the toad obviously had room to hop about, and probably get even bigger. Its mouth, when open, was like a massive, pale two car garage, with a dark tunnel in the back. I reached out and grabbed hold of the edge of its mouth but its slime made me lose my grip. With a damp "slap" its mouth closed, plunging me into darkness.

I desperately clawed at the soft, slimy tissue of its mouth, trying to keep myself from sliding down its gullet. The toad gulped and a literal tidal wave of goo washed me down its throat. My claws simply slid off the thick layer of slime it had as I picked up speed on my downward journey.

You know, I've heard some people have a weird fetish for being swallowed whole by some giant creature. If you're reading this and have that fetish let me clear some stuff up for you. Upon examination, I can kinda, sorta, maybe understand why some find the concept arousing. Heck, I asked someone once and they said that the concept of being squeezed by the soft, warm inside of something while being covered in warm, sticky fluid just turned them on. But they don't have firsthand experience. Here are the many downsides: one, it smells awful. Bile general isn't something people want a scented candle of. Two, stomach acid is slimy, sticky, and BURNS! When not diluted (aka empty stomach) stomach acid is a freaking strong acid. That stuff dissolves everything. Heck, it had worked through the spaces between my scales already and was stinging despite having just fallen in. And finally, it tastes AWEFUL. I had the misfortune of getting some in my mouth and it was so bad, it made me sick. After I finished throwing up, I realized I'd dropped my sword on the way down. With a flash, it was in my hand. I stood up and the top of my head barely pressed up against the top of the toad's stomach. I could hear muffled yelling outside before gravity fell away and then suddenly returned, sending me under the acid again. I broke the surface and began hacking and stabbing at the lining of the stomach as fast as I could. Everything just harmless slid off the thick mucus along the stomach walls and threw my weapon out of my hands. I raised my hand and barked "Quoira!" The spell didn't even fire as the slime drained my magic before it could build up. I grit my teeth and wracked my head for a solution.

Alright, swords and spells won't work. My claws just slide off, and I can feel myself dissolving which FREAKING HURTS! Honestly, if I wasn't filled with adrenaline right now I'd probably curl into a ball and scream at the pain. If my sword or my knife were outside of this thing I'd just warp out, but I don't have a marker and don't want to die by magical mishap. How am I going to--

I was interrupted by the toad jumping again and submerging me in acid. Unfortunately, this time, my eyes were open. If any of you wear contacts, you know how much it hurts to have a tear in your contact. Imagine that, but magnified by one thousand. Or getting soap in your eyes except so much worse. I screamed and desperately started trying to clean my eyes, but every part of me was covered in slime and acid.

"SCREW IT! WYRP!"

The world distorted and my panicking mind tried to set a destination. Good news, I was completely in the treasure room, not halfway through a wall. Bad news, I was pretty high up in the air, or so it appeared through the tears. I felt weightless as I fell before landing with a squelch on the back of the toad. I slid off and landed on the floor, clutching my eyes. I managed to get a glimpse of the pool of water from before and lunged for it. I immediately submerged and began trying to rid myself of the burning acid. Once my skin and eyes were no longer dissolving, I resurfaced and surveyed the battle.

Everyone must have figured out that attacking the thing didn't do squat given their weapons were covered in slime and they weren't attacking it anymore. What had probably been a fierce battle at first had now devolved into a game of cat and mouse with my friends trying to avoid being squashed by the toad's jumping and dodging slime the toad would spit at them. I could see that the toad was trying to get them stuck to the floor so it could crush them, but so far sheer numbers had helped them avoid it. Since neither Meril or Grip were flying, and they were both covered in slime, I figured their wings were too damp and heavy to fly anymore. As I watched, the toad finally scored a hit with its slime. It had learned how to lead its shots and nailed Leaflet with a glob of goo. The shot sent her flying and left her floundering to pull herself from the mound of slick mucus. The toad leapt towards her, prepared to crush her with its monstrous girth. I held up my claw and said "Dro." She instantly flew out of the pile and landed in the water beside me. Just in time too, given the toad landed with a crash and a splat not three seconds later. Leaflet floundered in the water before I held her, panting and exhausted in my arms. She looked up at me and gasped,

"Drake! *pant* how did *gasp* you--"

"Not important, how are you holding up?"

She didn't respond but instead went limp as she passed out from exhaustion. I honestly shouldn't be surprised she was out given she wasn't actually a fighter at all. I swam to the other side, away from the fight, and set her in a corner where she'd be safe. With her out of harms way, I turned back to the fight and started trying to come up with a strategy. As I watched, I saw the toad leap into the air again and attempt to crush Meril. As it landed and its whole body jiggled, globs of slime went flying and splattered the floor around it. I continued to watch as more of its thick, viscous goo poured off its body and coated the floor in a slick hazard. It wasn't an uncommon sight to see someone slip in the goo and scrabble to get back up while avoiding the toad.

"Okay, its slime is so thick and sticky it can turn blades. It's too fat and large to bludgeon to death, and it can swallow anyone whole, which would be certain death for anyone who got ingested."

I watched as its tongue shot out and narrowly missed Cleghorn. It looked and saw that more people were moving around its sides so it lifted itself off the ground and shook itself like a dog, sending ropes of slime flying in all directions. More slime poured down its body in sluggish waves as it turned to find its next target.

"If only there was a way to remove its slime for just a second! The stuff's thicker than tar!"

Wait, tar... tar is super sticky and gooey... until it hardens. Then you can break large chunks of it with a hammer! I need to harden its slime! But how?! Wait... what if I... oh, that might work.

I looked around and spotted a mound of goo that was slowly flowing into a puddle. I got out of the water and approached it before pointing at it.

"Quelt." (Cool/freeze)

The goo stopped flowing as it froze. I drew back and punched it as hard as I could. It shattered like glass.

"Now we're cooking with gas!"

I looked at the ground and plotted out a course that would let me avoid the slippery slime. I waited until its side was facing me before running at it, sword in hand and preparing to cast my spell.

"Quelt!" (Cool/freeze)

I saw a large patch of slime freeze onto its skin which drew a surprised croak from the toad. I closed the distance and punched the frozen patch as hard as possible. The slime shattered and fell off with a sound of tinkling glass. I immediately slashed my sword across the exposed area, cutting a deep gash. I continued hacking and slashing until the toad lept away, thick drops of blood raining from its side. I heard shouting and saw everyone pointing at me.

"Drake! You're alive! We thought you were toad chow for sure!"

I snorted and turned to face the toad before replying.

"This toad's about to learn why you don't TICK OFF A DRAGON!"

With my magic freezing the slime, my companions made short work of the toad. I mainly stuck to the back, conserving my strength as I froze its slime over and over. Finally, as the toad suffered heavy blood loss, I froze its entire head. Cleghorn lept into the air and decapitated it with a swing of his massive claymore.

We stood panting around the corpse of the beast as we treated our injuries. Everyone was relieved to see I'd saved Leaflet from a grisly fate, and everyone else had mainly scrapes and bruises from slipping and falling, but I was a different story.

"Drake. Are you okay? You got eaten by that thing."

I looked at Meril and... finally realized that my blurry vision wasn't tears given my eyes had stopped watering a while ago.

"Well my skin still feels burned and tender, but its acid damaged my eyes. I can't see very clearly right now."

A very slimy Gemlight walked over and rested her head on my knee. I idly stroked her mane as Leaflet took a look at my bleary eyes.

"You'd better be glad you rinsed them when you did. Any longer and it would have been permanent. You'll recover with time."

I nodded my thanks before slumping against the wall, tired beyond belief. As everyone started moving the treasure back to our camp, I picked up an amulet with a large, glowing gem in the middle and began fiddling with it while I rested my tired everything. It took them many trips, but eventually there was only one bag of treasure left to carry and we were ready to leave this place behind forever. I felt a hand clasp my shoulder and heard Grip say,

"Ready to go? Or you need a bit longer."

I opened my eyes and looked at his blurred face.

"Yeah, let's go."

I'd just stood up when we all heard a shout from the door to the treasure room.

"Not so fast!"

Author's Note

Sorry for the cliffhanger but this chapter was getting too long. Also I'm tired. Hope you enjoyed it! Our first real combat sequence! Tell me what I can improve or what I'm doing right (if you want to.) I always appreciate comments.

Enter The Heroes

"Hold it right there!"

We all turned and looked at the doorway and found that six ponies were standing there. Two unicorns, one purple with a dark blue mane and tale that had a streak of pink and purple in it. The other was white with a styled purple mane. Two earth ponies, one pink with a curly pink mane; the other with orange fur and a blonde mane. And two pegasi, one with a cyan coat and rainbow mane. The final pony was butter yellow with a light pink mane and was cowering behind her friends. (I didn't see this too clearly, I was given a description after.)

Grip rolled his eyes and grunted,

"What do you want."

The purple one stepped forward and struck a defiant pose.

"By order of Princess Celestia, I request, no, I demand you cease your looting at once! This treasure belong to the Princesses and as such, belong to us! The ponies they gave permission to to hunt the treasure! Not some greedy thieves!"

We all laughed at her speach. I mean, come on, did she really think we'd just be like, "oh! We're soooo sorry! Please, take all our gold and lock us in prison." Grip pointed at her and smirked.

"You look and sound ridiculous. Do you really think I give a damn about what your fat cat princess wants?"

The six ponies gasped and the purple one scowled.

"You should! Princess Celestia is the kindest, wisest, and most just ruler ever! And the greatest teacher ever! You should treat her with respect!"

He donned a mocking look of surprise before saying,

"Really!? She's that great!? Well I suppose I should tell you... that when you go back to her, tell her she can go without a little extra gold. Oh! and that she can feel free to take her kindness, justice and wisdom and shove them so far up her arse that they'll never see sunlight again!"

This drew more gasps and Twilight grew enraged.

"Nobody can say stuff like that about Princess Celestia! You'll be--"

"Laughing at how dumb you look? Yeah, I bet I will."

The blue one growled and flared her wings.

"Twi, these jerks are really making me mad! Can I kick their flanks already!"

"Twi" held out a hoof and took a deep breath while doing some sort of hoof motion.

"Not yet. Let's at least give the others a chance to do the right thing. It's what Princess Celestia would do."

She gave everyone else a meaningful look. (except me, they hadn't noticed me sitting in the corner yet.)

"I believe that none of you are so greedy and terrible that you don't deserve a chance to do the right thing. Help us find what we're looking for and--"

Everyone drew their weapons and got ready to fight. Twi looked surprised and said,

"What!? Why are you--"

Meril snarled.

"I personally trust the Princesses about as far as I can throw them."

Everyone nodded.

"But why!? Princess Celestia is--"

Grip slammed his paw on the ground.

"Princess Celestia this! Princess Celestia that! You ponies make me sick! You're all so stuck up and entitled that you can't imagine not getting what you want! Well let me ask you this. If all you ponies are so good and your Princess Celestia so great, where was she and the 'good ponies of Equestria' when I was in need!?"

Before Twilight could reply he pointed at her.

"Let me tell you a story. My father was a hard worker and my mother was the sweetest griffin you'd ever meet. Due to Equestria's booming economy, we decided to immigrate to Equestria in the hopes of bettering ourselves. Upon arriving, we had to pay fees and taxes so high, we couldn't afford a house like we'd planned. We moved into a dirty apartment in Las Pegasus and my dad went looking for work. Except, nobody would hire him! Why hire a griffin when you could hire a pony instead? So instead of getting a job that could support our family, my father was forced to take a job in a mail room! My mother had to start washing clothes just to make ends meet. And we still were being taxed to death by your precious Princess Celestia!"

"So, one day, my parents took me out to the middle of the desert to 'teach me to fly.' When I wasn't looking, they flew off and hid, leaving me all by myself in the middle of the desert. They couldn't afford to keep me, so they abandoned me! All because of you ponies and your princess. So, I spent three days crawling through the barren wastes in search of my parents when I arrived at a wealthy pony's farm. By that time I was starving and dying of thirst so I immediately shambled to his well and started to drink. I then picked some fruit to eat only for the farmer and two Royal Guards to show up. Rather than take pity on a starving orphan and let him have some water and a measly piece of fruit, he sicked the Guards on me. Rather than seeing a weary and scared orphan, he saw a nuisance that would cause him to lose a bit or two and Celestia forbid he couldn't afford to buy another painting that costs enough to support a family of four for his home!"

"I spent the next few weeks begging for food along the road to Las Pegasus. Most ponies would ignore me. Some would spit at me and curse me or try to chase me off claiming that, 'delinquents like myself should go crawl in a sewer where we belong.' All these rich, entitled ponies were the bane of my existence. I lived in constant fear until one day, someone found me and took me in. You know who took in the scared, dirty orphan? Not one of the 'upstanding citizens of Equestria,' but a gang of thieves. They saw me and, unlike the ponies, they saw themselves. They had nothing because Equestria took everything! So I decided that I'd do what they were doing. I'd take from the takers! While you ponies sit in your ivory towers, sipping wine and eating cake, the rest of the world starves and huddles in hovels! So yeah, that's why we aren't too keen on giving up the treasure we fought and bled for to some fat little ponies looking to buy more crap they don't need with money Celestia gives to them. So feel free to see yourself out unless you want to go back to your princess in a bodybag."

All the ponies exchanged looks before Twi responded.

"Y-you're lying! There's no way that could ever happen in Equestria! But even if all that bad stuff happened in the past doesn't mean you can go around on a vindictive quest to rob as much of Equestria as possible! Surely the rest of you see that!?"

Cleghorn snorted and hefted his claymore.

"Yoor Princess has screwd us all oover plenty of times allready. Ahm not about ta get screwd again."

Everyone voiced their agreement and Twi sighed.

"Well, it was worth a shot. Alright girls! Let's bring these lying criminals to justice!"

The six mares cheered and blue flew forward in a flying tackle. Grip ducked but she was moving too fast to counter. Meanwhile, the orange mare with the stetson ran towards Cleghorn. As she spun on her front hooves and aimed a powerful buck at him, he held his sword out in front using the flat of the blade as a shield. There was a loud ringing as hooves met steel and both the mare and the minotaur staggered backwards.

"Oof! Yoor a strong lass!"

Orange whistled and replied.

"Same kin be said for you! Ahv never had nobody take a buck like that!"

They went back at it as the white unicorn sent a rain of sewing needles towards Meril. She lept out if the way before returning fire with her bow. As they exchanged shots, a perplexed Leaflet avoided being shot by a pastel colored cannon the pink one had brought.

"Where in Equestria would you have stored that thing!? And why is it full of streamers!?"

She ducked below another blast as the pink pony shrugged.

"Well it is a party cannon! And I didn't know if I'd need to throw a party when we got here!"

As the purple unicorn began trying to find a target for her spells while not hitting her friends, Gemlight wearily faced off with the yellow pegasus.

"Aw appleseeds, I'm still tired from fighting that stupid toad!"

Yellow gulped and said in a quiet whisper,

"Um... I'm really not interested in getting into a fight, especially with a little filly. Can we just... call it a draw?"

Gem nodded and flopped onto the ground.

"Ugh, I still have toad slime all over me! This'll never come out of my fur."

"Oh, um... I can help you clean up, if you want. I, um, have some experience cleaning up after animal messes."

"Really? Thanks! You know, for a pony that's trying to take our treasure, you're pretty nice."

Yellow smiled and began helping Gemlight towards the pond in the corner of the room.

"Well, I do think everypony deserves some kindness."

As I wearily surveyed the ongoing battle, I realized why I hadn't been spotted yet. The corner of the room I was in had no light in it at all which meant that no one could see me clearly. Which would mean that so long as I stayed here, these ponies wouldn't see me. And if they didn't clearly see me, they couldn't tell Celestia exactly where I had been. So... I gotta find a way to use surprise to my advantage. Hm... these ponies seem like do-gooders so... oh! Genius idea! The heroes always fall for a hostage situation!

I summoned my knife and pointed at the purple unicorn (she was closest) and cast "dro." (Pull) She flew through the air and I caught her before using one arm to restrain her and the other to hold my knife to her throat.

"STAND DOWN! Or your friend here dies."

The five remaining ponies turned and gasped in horror at Twi's situation. Twi lit her horn up but I used my knife hand to punch it. (I'd learned from Cinders that that disrupted magic for a bit.) The attempted spell fizzled out and I menacingly whispered to my hostage,

"None of that now. You try that again and I'll saw your horn off."

She gulped and I reposition my knife.

"Now here's what's going to happen. You're all going to sit down and let my friends here tie you up. We'll leave you alive and you can wait for your Princess to rescue you or try to escape yourselves. If you attempt to follow us, we'll kill you all. I'll be taking care of your friend here after you're secure. Relax, I won't hurt her. Any questions?"

Blue growled and looked like she wanted to charge me only for white to scold her.

"Rainbow! We can't risk it! We'll have to follow along for now, as much as I hate to let myself be handled by these thugs. It's better than Twilight getting hurt."

Rainbow sighed and pulled her wings back to her sides. As the five ponies surrendered, my companions used some extra rope to securely tie them up and gag them before setting them all back to back facing away from the door (for added anxiety, not being able to see what's going on and all that.) With that done, I raised my knife and hit Twilight in the side of the jaw with the handle, knocking her unconscious. I dropped her with a thump and began to leave with my companions. From the muffled yells of our victims, they weren't happy I'd knocked out their friend.

"Oh please, she'll be fine. Now then, let's go."

As we left the temple behind, Grip clapped me on the back.

"Quick thinking, Drake. Glad you weren't too tired to help out. Goodness knows I wasn't up for a fight after that monster of a toad."

I groaned at the aching in my muscles and stiffness of my joints.

"Yeah, but I'll definitely be sore tomorrow. And I still can't see well."

Meril gave me a sympathetic look as Leaflet got out a strip of thick, black cloth.

"Here, it's no eyepatch, but if you wear this it should help you heal faster. Just let your eyes rest and recover. We've been building a wagon to carry the treasure anyway, so you can just ride along given your lack of sight."

I nodded and took the blindfold as we approached camp. Over dinner we told Cinders and Sunny about the six ponies and then started discussing who would get what share of the treasure. As we did, I reached into my coat pocket and drew back out the amulet from before. As I turned it over in my claws, I felt something rest against my side.

"Whatya got there?"

"An amulet. I picked it up in the temple."

"Ooh, it's shiny! Can I see it?"

I felt along her back until I found her neck and then put the necklace on her.

"Why don't you hold onto it for a while. It's really not my style."

She "oohed" before hugging me.

"Sweet! Thanks, Drake!"

I shook my head and ruffled her mane affectionatly.

"No prob, kid."

She huffed and booped my snout.

"I'm not a kid! I'm a thief! Just like you!"

"Keep trying, you'll get as good as me someday."

"Hmph!"

We spent the next day finishing the cart and loading the treasure while keeping an eye out for our unwanted guests. With no sign of them, and fair weather, we loaded our gear and began to exit the jungle.

(Meanwhile)

The mane six sat miserably in their camp, still shocked by how wrong everything had gone. Twilight sighed before levitating a piece of paper and beginning a letter.

"Dear Princess Celestia,

Unfortunately, the treasure was stolen by a gang of thieves along with the amulet. We were unable to beat them, and as such, they got away. We are all unharmed, but they appeared to be very bitter towards you and told us a bunch of lies to try to throw us off. I'm sorry that we couldn't retrieve the amulet and I hope you can forgive my failure.

Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."

She sighed as she rolled up the paper and then looked around. She groaned and slapped her hood to her forehead.

"Aw hay, I just remembered I left Spike back in Ponyville!"

Rarity cleared her throat to politely get her friend's attention.

"Twilight darling, I've always been meaning to ask. Why do you leave Spike at home when we go out on adventures? It would be useful to be able to send Princess Celestia a letter if we ever got into trouble too big for us to handle. Like at the temple for instance. My magic wasn't strong enough to free us so we had to wait for you to come to. If Spike was there he could have gotten help."

Pinkie raised her hoof.

"Or burned through the ropes."

Rarity nodded.

"Or that. Now, I understand that you want to keep him safe, and I too would hate to see my little Spikey Wikey get hurt, but I feel like Princess Celestia taught him to send letters for a reason, darling."

Applejack shrugged.

"She's got ah point, sugar cube."

Twilight groaned and slouched over.

"Yeah, you're probably right."

They all sat in silence until Pinkie said,

"Soo... was I the only one to notice the giant, dead toad? Or did you guys see that too?"

Separation

A few days later and we were right outside of civilized lands. My eyesight had finally returned and we had separated the loot among ourselves. I was just about to ask why we had stopped when Grip grabbed my shoulder and turned me around. He smirked and shook my hand as everyone else did the same, almost like--

"It's been fun. Be seeing you, Drake."

"Hold up, what?"

"Yeah. We've gotten the treasure, and we're almost back to civilization. We're all heading our separate ways."

"So wait, we're just... done traveling around? No more treasure hunting?"

He shrugged.

"Basically. We all do our own thing until Leaflet contacts us about a big opportunity. I've instructed her to send word to you next time too."

"So where should I go?"

Grip gestured to Sunny who was saying goodbye to Meril.

"I thought you wanted to get her home. And you should probably store your share somewhere."

Yeah... I needed a hideout. And somewhere safe for Gemlight to live. No way in heck am I dragging her around on dangerous adventures.

"Yeah, I guess so. I guess this is goodbye for now."

He nodded.

"Goodbye for now."

I exchanged farewells with everyone else and, all to soon, we were splitting up. I stood on the top of the hill we'd stayed and watched as my one time companions faded into the distance. I sighed and picked up my bag of treasure before turning to my two pony followers.

"Welp, I guess we're heading to Ponyville."

Gem hopped excitedly and Sunny nodded. As we set a course in the direction of the Rupee Mountains (I needed to store my loot with Ra'avez before going anywhere) Gem trotted up and asked,

"So, what's the plan?"

"Store my loot, deliver Sunny home, make a hideout for my to permanently store my treasure and for you to stay."

She came to a screeching halt.

"Hold up. What do you mean by that?"

"I'm not dragging you into danger with me. You're still a kid and I'd rather you not wind up in a shallow grave."

"B-but I want to be a thief! Like you!"

I shook my head.

"No. You're not coming with me."

Not only would she get hurt, but she'd also slow me down. No way I'd take her with me.

She huffed and lapsed into a sullen silence. We kept on walking for the rest of the day before making camp. We followed the same schedule for the following days until we arrived at the foothills of the Rupee Mountains. With map in hand, I guided us to a cliff near the entrance of the magic school where they couldn't see it. (What!? I didn't want them accidentally blabbing!) As they got comfortable I grabbed the loot and flew off towards the school. I found the cliff from before and knocked on the stone doors. Without a sound they slowly swung out and I crossed the threshold.

Upon reaching the main hall, I spotted Ra'avez himself walking out of the library. He looked up and grew an excited smile.

"Ah! Drake! You're back! What brings you around here?"

"I wanted to know if I could store my treasure here with my gold? I'll be back later but I really needed to store these somewhere."

He deflated somewhat before waving a claw.

"Sure, sure. Just get my hopes up that you want to learn more magic and then dash them to pieces."

I crossed my arms and gave the ghost a wry smile.

"No need to be that way. I just have a few things to do before I can come back for lessons."

He sighed and waved his hand dismissively. His way of begrudgingly accepting.

"Thanks."

Once my loot was secure I returned to camp and prepared for the trip to Ponyville. It would take a few days and we'd need to gather food along the way to save our supplies, but with all the wildlife in the forest we should be fine.

(The following day)

"I'VE GOT YOU!"

I dove after Sunny as the ledge she had been standing on gave way and she plummeted over the side. I reached her and pulled her against me before flaring my wings out and turning our descent into a glide. We landed at the bottom of the mountain and I set her down before flying back up for Gem. On the bright side, this saved a lot of time!

Once we were all at the bottom I opened my pack and looked over our supplies. We had a bit of food left but I should probably go hunt. You know, save the travel food for a rainy day. As I left Gem and Sunny to set up the camp, I began looking for something to eat.

I stealthily stalked through the trees until I spotted something in a clearing ahead. I kept my pace slow and walked by rolling my foot from my heel to my toes, just like my Dad taught me when he took me hunting for the first time. Aw man, good times, good times... and I'm not going to dwell on it because that would be a bad thing to do! Nope, I don't miss home at all!

In the clearing was a deer. It wasn't too big, but it was definitely fully grown. I kept out of sight as I considered my options. I could use my sword as a javelin and throw it at its head, I could blink to it and cut it down, or I could pull it to me and then kill it.... Eh, third option seems easier. I raised my claw and whispered "Dro" (pull) and the deer came flying towards me. I conjured my blade and spun, decapitating it as it passed me. As its body flopped limply to the floor, I went over my mental instructions on how to field dress a deer. I always hated this part. I never was a huge hunter anyway given I tend to really like animals, but I'd still go with my Dad whenever he invited me. I hung my coat on a branch as I got ready to make a mess.

I swapped my sword for my knife and proceeded to gut the deer before burying its innards. With that done, I skinned it and set its pelt aside to dry. (This part was particularly nasty and I almost threw up.) I gathered up the pelt and then slung the body over my shoulder. I'd come back for my coat. I was... a little messy right now.

I set the deer down outside the camp so I could wash myself and it in the nearby stream. After that was done, I spread out the pelts so that the sun would dry them and carried the deer into the camp. Upon seeing me, both ponies froze before making various faces of disgust. As Sunny lost her lunch behind a bush, Gem looked at me in horror.

"W-what did you do!"

"I went hunting. We need to save our supplies."

"So you murdered a poor little deer!"

"It's only murder if it's sentient."

"They are! They're smart and have feelings and--"

"No. We are sentient. Animals are not. I need meat, so I had to hunt. You don't need meat, so I won't make you eat it."

"B-but killing animals is wrong!"

"No, it's natural. Would you say a wolf is in the wrong for eating a deer? Or how about a hawk for killing a rabbit?"

"That's different! You don't have to!"

I shrugged before beginning to cook the deer.

"Sure, I didn't 'have to' per say. But this is the logical thing to do. We only have so much food, and we need it to last."

She turned away and crossed her forelegs.

"Only a monster kills animals."

"Well I guess me, Grip, Meril, and every other carnivore ever are all monsters then."

She sniffled and wiped her eyes.

"Listen. You have your beliefs, I have mine. Instead of fighting about it, let's just... agree to disagree."

She still didn't look too happy about it, but she nodded before trotting towards where Sunny was still hiding. As they avoided being near the cooking meat, I planned out how to use the leftovers.

"Alright, if I eat... this much tonight. And... this much tomorrow morning.... I'll have to be careful to not let the leftovers spoil before dinner tomorrow. It should be safe."

With my plan laid out, I dug in. It was good, but not great given all I had was salt to put on it. After wrapping up the rest in some paper that had before held provisions we'd already eaten, I retrieved my coat and called it a night.

We continued on our way the following morning. I decided that trying to bring the pelts wasn't going to work, so I just left them to the animals. I mean, what would I do with them anyway? It took almost four days, but eventually Ponyville could be seen beyond the forest we had been skirting. Tomorrow we'd enter the town, and Sunny would be reunited with her parents.

Author's Note

Sorry it took so long, but this one was hard to write. I didn't want it to be completely skipping all the journey, but I didn't want it to be too drawn out. I hope I gor it right. I'll try to have the next chapter out soon.

Welcome to Ponyville

"Wait, you're telling me you guys weren't joking and that it literally is called Ponyville?!"

I gaped in disbelief at the sign proudly stating the name of the small town. Gemlight nodded as Sunny gave me a funny look.

"Yeah! Why'd you think otherwise?"

"It's just so... unoriginal! It would be like me founding a town and calling it Drakesborrow or Dragonburg or something like that."

Gem shrugged.

"I like it. It seems nice."

As we continued over the hill and towards the sleepy looking town I shook my head.

"Canterlot was bad enough. But Ponyville? What's next? Can-neigh-da? Mareappolis, Mare-yland?"

"Uh... those are both actual places, Drake. In fact, I heard about a guy from Vanhoover who traveled all of Equestria and stopped in both of those places. Well... it was in a book. But that's close enough!"

I slapped my forehead as my brain struggled to come to terms with the fact that this entire country seemed to have been named using puns about horses.

"I swear, I'll never call a town in a video game unoriginal again."

As we approached the main street, we could see brightly colored ponies walking around, laughing and buying stuff from a farmers market. Of course, having a dragon waltz into the center of town would probably cause panic unless I took a page out of Spock's book.

Sure enough, everything went quite as we entered town with the ponies gawking at me, shock and fear keeping them rooted to the spot. I stepped ahead of my companions and made the "live long and prosper" sign. Dad would have been proud.

"Ponies of Ponyville, I come... in peace."

Everyone grew apprehensive and confused as they began to whisper to one another. A little girl near me dropped their doll and I stooped to pick it up. The ponies stepped back and I slowly straightened back up and cautiously held out the doll to the kid.

"You dropped this."

The kid just stood there, mouth wide open. When she still hadn't reclaimed her toy I slowly set it on her head.

"I'll just... leave that there."

We continued through the town, whispers and nervous glances following us. I tapped my two companions and gestured towards a large building in the center of town.

"Perhaps we should start there?"

Sunny nodded and we all made our way past the shocked crowd and towards the large structure. Once inside, we approached the front desk where a pony was busy at work. I froze before grabbing Gem and Sunny and whispering to them,

"Maybe I should hide while you two ask. You know, lower the risk of her panicking."

Sunny nodded.

"Yeah... that would probably be a smart move."

I quickly made my way outside and sat on the steps as I waited. After a few minutes both ponies walked through the doors.

"So you know where they are?"

Gem nodded excitedly and trotted off towards their home. I noticed, not for the first time, that Sunny was looking a little nervous. I pulled her aside and gave her a searching look.

"Nervous?"

She nodded.

"What about?"

"W-well... it's just.... It's been so long, and just... look at me! I'm... I'm... hideous. I'm covered in scars, I'm missing an eye... I look like some gross--"

"Sunny. If your parents were so torn up about loosing you that they moved because it hurt too much, I'm pretty sure they won't care that you're covered in scars or missing an eye. Heck, they probably wouldn't care if you were missing both eyes and ears and all your legs. Now come on, we have some parents to see."

She took a shaky breath before nodding.

"Yeah... I guess you're right."

We rejoined Gem and followed her past some stores to a small house near the outskirts of town. Me and Gem stood behind Sunny as she tentatively knocked on the door. After a bit a voice shouted,

"Coming! I'm just putting some stuff away."

We waited until the door opened revealing an older looking pony with green fur and a light gray mane. He looked at Sunny and asked,

"Can I help you?"

Sunny just stood there, tears forming in her eyes. Greenhouse gave her a wary look before noticing Gem and I. He froze when he saw me, his eyes going wide.

"Uh...."

"Honey, who is it?"

Soon a mare with a copper colored mane and a pumpkin orange coat trotted up beside him. She looked at Sunny who had tears streaming from her remaining eye and a slight damp spot forming on her eye patch.

"Oh dear, are you alright."

Sunny gave a choking sob before whispering,

"M-mom? D-dad?"

They both froze and looked at her before their eyes widened.

"Sunny!? Is... is that really you!?"

Sunny broke into a smile and sniffed.

"Y-yeah. It-It's me. Your little ray of sunshine."

Greenhouse paled as Pretty Penny held her hooves over her mouth. Slowly, Greenhouse raised a hoof and placed it on Sunny's cheek.

"Sunny... it... you're... you're really here. You're really here!"

Both parents dove forward and wrapped their child in a hug. They all started crying and laughing and holding eachother, telling how much they'd missed them and how much they loved them. They eventually broke it up and Penny said,

"Sunny! What happened! It's been years! Where did you--"

She froze as she finally noticed the dragon standing on her front steps. Sunny looked back before saying,

"Mom, Dad, that's Drake and Gemlight. They rescued me. If not for them... I'd still be... I'd...."

Greenhouse shushed her with a hoof.

"You can tell us all about it inside. And... you're friends can come in too. How about some tea and cookies before you get started."

Sunny nodded and followed her dad into the house, Gem eagerly trotting in after them. I moved to follow before noticing that Pretty Penny was still staring at me.

"Hey, don't worry. I'm not going to set anything on fire."

She smiled before wrapping me in a tight hug and repeatedly kissing me on the cheek. She started crying tears of joy before choking out,

"I-I can never thank you enough for bringing my baby girl home!"

It took some time before she let go. I gave her a bit to compose herself before she led me into the house. We all sat down around a table as Greenhouse poured us all tea. Me and Gem were on one couch while the family all crowded together on the other. Once everyone had a cup, he gave Sunny a reassuring pat on the shoulders before saying,

"If it's not too much, what happened? Where are the others?"

Sunny closed her eye before whispering,

"W-we had just reached the jungle and were making camp a little bit inside. You remember we had planned on visiting there to be able to say we'd seen it?"

Her parents nodded.

"Well, sometime in the night, we were captured by a witch."

"A witch?!"

Sunny nodded.

"S-she... she said she needed us to make her potions. She... she would take pieces of us and boil them into different things. My blood was a rare type so that's the only reason she didn't... didn't."

She began to cry again as her parents held her tightly.

"I remember when she killed Rosemary. She... she cut her heart out while she watched! And for poor Cloud Skipper. He... before she... she started by cutting his wings off. Then she... she...."

She broke down sobbing and her parents joined her. Her mother gasped,

"W-why would she do that? He was always such a nice colt! He didn't deserve that!"

Sunny broke down then.

"I remember him screaming for someone to save him! But... but... I couldn't. It was awful. We all tried to look away but... the sounds. I'll never forget those awful sounds."

She took a deep breath and continued.

"She kept me in a cage after she took my eye. She was constantly cutting off pieces of me and drained my blood. I... it was like what I imagine Tartarus would be like. But then, after so long, Drake and his friends rescued me. I... I thought I was dreaming, or that it was a trick."

She swallowed before looking to her mom.

"Mom, where are their families."

"B-back in Canterlot."

"They... they deserve to know what happened. And I have something for them."

She pulled out the four buckles from before. Greenhouse gave a tearful smile.

"I remember those. We got you all buckles for your saddlebags as a graduation present. You left yours here on accident."

He reached for a little box on a shelf and pulled out a buckle with Sunny's cutie mark on it. The family just spent a while holding onto eachother before I turned to Gem.

"Gem, I have a favor to ask."

"Yeah?"

"You know how I said I'd find you a place to stay while I made us a base? Well I want you to stay with Sunny for a bit. If her parents allow it."

"Why?"

"The more people around her to help her through this, the better. And don't think I haven't noticed you two getting along so well. You're practically sisters given how much time you spend tagging along after her. And she needs that right now."

Gem nodded.

"Yeah... you're right."

I cleared my throat.

"Excuse me, but I have something to ask."

They all looked at me before Greenhouse nodded.

"Yeah?"

"Would it be alright if Gem here stays with you for a bit? I'm in the process of finding a home and don't feel like it'd be a good idea to drag her all over the place when she could stay here."

The two parents perked up.

"Well of course that would be okay! She helped bring our Sunny back home! She can stay as long as she wants."

I nodded as Gem trotted over to give the still distraught Sunny a hug.

"Well, I'll get out of your hair for now. I'll drop by later to say my goodbyes."

They all nodded as I left them to themselves. I wasn't very good at comforting people.

I walked down the street before seeing a bakery that looked interesting. Like, actually looked interesting. It looked like a gingerbread house.

"That's... odd."

I opened the door and stepped in. It was basically empty with only a lankey stallion working the register.

"Welcome to Sugar Cube Corner! How may I-- EEP!"

I ignored his exclamation as I looked over the confections. I clicked my tongue before asking.

"So, what would you recommend. I don't have any particular preference so... what's good?"

The stallion remained frozen. For all I knew he'd died. I waved a claw in front of his face before whistling.

"Hello? Anybody there?"

Just then a mare came down the stairs.

"Carrot, sweetie. Is there somepony-- oh my!"

She gave me a surprised look as the stallion remained paralyzed.

"Oh, hello. I saw your bakery and decided that something sweet sounded good right now. I tried asking him what he recommended, but I think I broke him."

The mare gulped before cautiously walking towards the register.

"W-well... we have lemon squares that we just made today?"

"Ooh! I do love lemon squares. I'll take one. How much will that be?"

"Uh... t-two bits."

Bits bits bits... oh! Those must be the little gold coins! Fortunately I'd kept a small pouch of them incase I'd needed to buy something. What? They were gold coins! Of course I'd keep some with me!

I pulled out the two bits necessary and set them on the counter. The mare put them in the register before shakily getting my purchase.

"Thank you very much!"

She nodded and I walked over to a small table in the corner. As I slowly ate the dessert (which was quite delicious) I looked through my supplies. I didn't need to buy food. I still had plenty of hardtack and I could hunt. My collection of small gems I took as a meal supplement was still doing well having refilled it with some of the gems from the temple. I had two canteens, my tent, my sleeping bag, and a few books. (What! It's a backpack made by Discord himself. Of course it's bigger on the inside.) I noticed something shiny inside and pulled out a large, ocean-blue gem. It was oddly cool and damp to the touch.

"What in the...."

I got a hint of saltwater when I licked its surface.

"I must have accidentally left one in my bag. Although it's the weirdest gem I've ever seen."

As I looked at my find two mares walked in. I didn't notice them but they noticed me. One, a certain fashionista, gasped and pointed me out to her friend.

"Rainbow! Do you see that!?"

Rainbow Dash looked over and did a double take.

"A dragon!? Wow, when you asked me to help you carry home your groceries I thought it'd be boring. What's a dragon doing here!?"

"Not the dragon, darling! That gem!"

Rainbow looked at the large blue gem held in my claw and whistled.

"Sweet Celestia! That thing's big!"

"Not only is it big! It's one of the rarest gems in existence! That's an abyssal sapphire!"

"A whosey-whaty?"

Rarity huffed.

"An abyssal sapphire. It's similar to a fire ruby except that--"

"One's a ruby the other isn't."

"Not exactly. Fire rubies are formed in the hearts of active volcanoes and can be occasionally found after an eruption. Now, whereas those are rare, abyssal sapphires are almost nonexistent given how they're formed. They only form in the depths of trenches deep beneath the ocean. The only way they are found is if they're eaten by some large deep sea creature and carried to the surface. What differentiates them from regular ocean sapphires is their darker coloration and the ever present sea water on the surface of the gem. Why, if I could get that gem, it would make the most exquisite brooch or maneclip."

"Uhuh. Thanks for the lesson. But anyway, you don't have it, that dragon does."

Rarity tittered before fixing her mane.

"Maybe I can persuade him to part with it."

Rainbow Dash groaned.

"Seriously? You mean you'll try to flirt with him. I doubt he'll be as quick to give it up as Spike would. And make sure it is a he beforehoof!"

Rarity trotted over and gave a dainty cough.

"Pardon me my good drake."

I lifted my head and turned around.

"Hm?"

"I couldn't help but notice that exquisite gem you have there."

I looked down at the gem and then back up at the pony.

"Yeah. It is pretty awesome. What about it?"

She sat down beside me and settled into what I assume was a prim and proper position.

"I was wondering if you'd be willing to part with it? I know a dragon of culture when I see one, and I know you'll be reasonable enough to bargain with. Might I add, you have such pleasant scales, and that coat is very fashionable an quite handsome."

She bat her eyelashes and leaned a bit closer.

"Why would you want it?"

"Well I happen to be the owner of a boutique here and I know that a gem of that size and coloration would make an accessory that would be just tres magnifìque."

"So... you want my gem... for some accessory?"

She nodded before resting a hoof on my shoulder and giving me a flirtatious look.

"I'd be most appreciative and would be sure to pay you handsomely."

Wait a minute. Was she trying to flirt with me?! To get my gem!?! My suspicious nature sent up red flags immediately. If she's willing to do this to get it, it must bw rare. And therefore worth keeping as a treasure for my stash. I think I'll see just how far she's willing to try to pull the wool over my eyes so I can gauge the value even more.

"I'm surprised you want it so bad. Honestly I don't know what kind of gem it is."

"Oh, just an oddly colored sapphire."

"Uhuh. Just a sapphire?"

She laughed and waved a hoof at me.

"Of course, darling. Now, are you willing to part with that gem?"

She gave me the old eyelashes and flirty look again. Now, if there's something I hate, it's people trying to manipulate me. Especially if it's a girl trying to use her looks to manipulate me. I crossed my arms.

"Sorry, not for sale."

She gasped.

"Are you certain? Is there nothing I can do to persuade you?"

"Yeah, I can tell when I'm being manipulated. Catch you later."

I put away the gem as she stammered something. Before she could try again I gave her a skeptical look.

"And did you really think that would work? That I'd fall for some ruse just because you batted your eyelashes and gave me bedroom eyes? Lady, we're not even the same species. Not. Interested."

And with that, I was gone. Rainbow Dash went over to her friend.

"I told you. Flirting might work on stallions and Spike, but not on a dragon. Although, I'm surprised you were that crazy about getting that gem. It seems a bit... weird for you to be kinda... greedy."

Rarity gasped.

"Greedy! I never! First off, there's nothing wrong with using my charms to negotiate. And second! That gem is rarer than rare! I can't stand to know it's sitting in some dragon's hoard somewhere or worse."

She gulped.

"Eaten."

Rainbow rolled her eyes.

"Can we hurry this up!? I still have napping to do!"

I walked outside just as Gem ran past chased by a purple unicorn.

"Come back! Wait!"

Oh come on! What did she do! I took off after them and soon turned a corner to find that Gem had been cornered in an alleyway. The unicorn panted before pointing at the amulet I'd given her.

"Give me that!"

Gem stuck her tongue out.

"No! It's mine so you can't have it!"

"No it's not! That's stolen property!"

Just then Sunny and her parents rounded the corner followed by an orange pony in a cowboy hat, and a pink pony with a curly mane and tale. The cowpony said,

"What tha hay, Twilight? Why'd you go running after this filly?"

Greenhouse gave Twilight a stern look.

"Yes, why'd you just come up and try to take her necklace?"

Twilight pointed at the amulet again. Somehow nobody had noticed me.

"Look at it! It's the amulet from the temple! The one that lets you talk to animals!"

The cowpony whistled and took her hat off.

"Well ahl be! It's just like tha picture you showed us."

"Yes! Come on Applejack, Pinkie. Help me get the amulet!"

Applejack looked at Gem who was giving Twilight a dirty look. She sighed and walked towards her.

"Sugarcube, that necklace don't belong to you."

"Yes it does!"

"No it don't. It was stolen."

"Oh really? So who does it belong to?"

I could tell she was baiting them but Twilight must have not realized it.

"Me! Princess Celestia herself sent me to retrieve that amulet. But some thieves got it first. I don't know how you got it, but now you need to give it to me. With that I'll be able to learn about magic that's been forgotten for centuries!"

"No! It was given to me by my friend!"

"Then your friend is a thief!"

"Yep! And I know you don't have any right to this necklace! Finders keepers loosers weepers!"

Twilight growled in frustration before lighting up her horn and attempting to remove it from Gem's neck. I took that as my time to step in. Before she could remove the necklace I stepped forward and slapped her horn. Her spell fizzled out and she yelped.

"Hey! Who--"

She froze as she saw me.

"Where did you come from!"

"I've been here for a while. Now blow off before I do worse."

She gulped before looking me over. She gasped,

"I know you! You're Drake the dragon! You stole from Princess Celestia! But wait... if you...."

She looked between the necklace and me again before glaring at me. Huh, she was familiar-- oh yeah! I held her hostage!

"You also helped steal that necklace!"

"Wow! Give her a prize! I was wondering if you would recognize me given you never actually saw me."

"You're the one who knocked me out!"

"Wow, smooth Sherlock, smooth."

"By order of the Princess you're under arrest! Come along quietly and we won't have to fight you."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you."

I motioned for Gem to follow me before shoving past the unicorn and out onto the street. I heard something from behind and quickly lept to the side. A ball of purple energy shot past me. I spen around and growled at Twilight.

"You wanna go? Cause I'll put you in the ground!"

Her two friends followed her out and stood beside her. Before long Rarity and Rainbow Dash came running.

"Twilight darling what's-- YOU!"

"Sup hoe."

"HEY! Don't you dare insult Rarity like that!"

I looked and saw that there had been a small purple and green lizard with the pink one the whole time.

"The heck? What's with the talking lizard?"

He puffed up his chest.

"I'm a DRAGON!"

"Yeah, right. And a house cat's a sabertooth tiger."

Another pegasus came sheepishly towards Twilight.

"Um... is something happening?"

"Yeah! We're going to capture this dangerous criminal!"

She looked at me before squeaking and hiding behind her friends. Now it was seven against one. How fun.

I discreetly removed my backpack and handed it to Gem. I whispered,

"Hide this and your necklace where they won't find it. I don't want to risk losing them."

She nodded and ran off. As the seven advanced with various looks of anger on their faces, I crossed my arms.

"Look. Do you really want to do this? Cause if you were smart you'd skip the fight and let me go. You know, avoid damaging the town."

Rainbow flew up and scoffed.

"Oh please! We'll have you out cold faster than you can say Rainbow Dash is awesome!'"

I sighed and held my right claw behind my back. By now a crowd had gathered behind the ponies and lizard man had run off somewhere. I conjured my sword behind my back so they wouldn't know it was magic and got into a ready stance.

"Alright, you want to fight? I'll give you a fight!"

Pink lept in the air.

"Hey! No weapons! That's cheating!"

"And six on one isn't?"

She paused mid jump and tapped her chin.

"Eh, he's got a point."

We stood glaring at eachother before I sneered,

"Let's dance."

Author's Note

Sorry about the cliffhanger but the chapter was getting too long. I'll put out the next one soon. Once again, my apologies.

Tha Slammah!

As I prepared to fight six technicolored talking horses, I froze and took a good, long look at myself.

"Holy crap... is this my life now?"

The six ponies stopped. Twilight raised an eyebrow and asked,

"Uh... what do you mean by that?"

"Like, is this my life now? Living on the run, fighting a bunch of frickin ponies. I mean... that's kinda depressing."

I went from having the makings of a career and saving up for a house to this. And I'd been distracting myself from it all with all the running around but it all just hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Well you chose to live this way! If you hadn't broken into Celestia's vault and stolen that gold you wouldn't be in this mess."

I shrugged and leaned back, looking up at the clouds overhead.

"Maybe. But does it really matter in the end?"

Twilight, seeing an opportunity, stepped forward.

"I believe everypony deserves a chance to change. Turn yourself in and we'll help you turn your life around. You don't have to be a villain. You could use your skills to help ponies all across Equestria!"

"You mean I could... be a hero?"

The six ponies nodded, looking hopeful.

"I've... always dreamed of being a hero. But... ponies were always scared of me instead. So I figured if they were going to hate me, I'd just given up."

Twilight trotted over and placed a hoof on my shoulder.

"We all have struggles that we face. What really matters is--"

THUMP!

Six Royal Guards landed around us with a carriage landed after them. A guard in purple armor glared at me.

"Surrender, Drake. Your thievery ends here."

"Shining!"

He looked over and blinked.

"Twily? What are you doing?"

By now the crowds attention had been drawn to the two ponies. Huh... that worked better than I had expected.

"We were about to arrest Drake, but what are you doing here?"

"Spike sent Celestia a letter saying Drake was in Ponyville. So we came as fast as we could. Don't worry, we'll take care of him."

"Wait! he seems to have realized the error of his ways. Shining, give me a chance and I'm sure I can help him change for the better."

Shining Armor thought it over before smiling at his sister.

"Alright Twily. You go get em."

Twilight nodded before turning around, the rest of the crowd turned their attention from the two siblings and back to... nothing.

"Wait, where'd he--"

(Halfway across town)

I ran as fast as my legs would carry my. I would have flown, but those guards had wings too.

"Suckers! I'm too dead inside to feel regret!"

I was almost free of the town when a globe of yellow magic formed around me.

"What the--"

"Hm... it seems I was just in time."

Princess Celestia herself landed before me and gave me a disapproving look. I groaned.

"Oh great, SunnyD's here."

"Yes, I am here. And I believe you possess several of my belongings."

"Nope. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Hmm... we'll see how long you'll remain stubborn when you're in prison."

"I would say 'we'll see how long you can be a whore' but I feel like that's just permanent."

"DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT THE PRINCESS THAT WAY!"

Oh look, the freak show arrived. The guards and the six ponies from before came to a screeching halt just behind me. It had been the guard in purple armor that had said that.

"Shut it she-man. Can't you see grownups are talking."

If I could just bait them into removing this bubble I could get away. I'd break their line of sight and teleport. As it is, I couldn't use magic if I wanted to. Guard dude fumed but Celestia held a hoof up.

"Captain Shining Armor, that will be enough."

The guard backed off.

"Yeah, we don't want you getting hurt. You're obviously so used to having Princess Lardass fight your battles for you that you couldn't tell a sword from your own--"

"Silence! You're not talking your way out of this one. You'll be staying in one of the highest security prisons in all of Equestria until you tell us where the stolen gold is. Then you can begin serving your sentance.

"So... am I supposed to care? Cause I don't."

Purple stepped forward, a scowl on her face.

"To think I thought you'd actually realized what you were doing was wrong."

"To think you're stupid enough to try to guilt trip me. How long can you ponies live without a brain?"

"HEY! NOBODY TALKS ABOUT MY FRIENDS THAT WAY!"

Rainbow flew forward, intent on decking me. Cmon, just do it! Take the bait!

A purple aura formed around her tail and dragged her back.

"Stop, Rainbow. I think we should leave him to Princess Celestia."

Everyone cheered as Celestia took to the air, my bubble floating ahead of her. Well crap....

(Mount Iron Penitentiary)

"Name."

"Puff the Magic Dragon."

"Name."

"Danny DeVitto."

"Name!"

"Ron Swanson."

The guard fumed before one of Celestia's little underlings whispered something to her. She nodded before writing something down.

"Step in front of the camera."

I walked over and stood in front of the designated wall. I could see Celestia watching with a group of guards from behind the camera.

"Look straight ahead."

I struck a pose like a swimsuit model and gave them the smolder. They had already hit the button so that became my mugshot. I heard an exasperated sigh before my next set of instructions came.

"Turn to the right."

"Make sure you get my good side."

Click. And now they were leading me towards the interrogation room. I sat down and looked at the one way mirror. I had been stripped of my coat and had handcuffs to match my black and white striped shirt. I waved at the mirror.

"Hi, Celestia. Enjoying the show?"

I swear I heard a thump from the mirror before the door opened. In walked a guard who set down a tape recorder and hit the record button.

"Alright, scum. Where's the gold."

"I dunno. Maybe here, maybe there, maybe up your butt and around the corner?"

He slammed his hooves on the table.

"You think you're funny? Huh! Well let me tell you something, bub. I've broken bigger criminals than you. So here's what's going to happen."

He leaned in close and whispered in what would have been an intimidating way if I hadn't been hoping for this.

"I. Will. Break. You."

"NO I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOU!!"

He froze.

"What?"

"I don't care if you will reduce my sentence. I'm not about to sleep with you! You can keep your filthy hooves to yourself."

His eyes went wide and he turned to the recorder.

"I did not say anything about--"

"Wanting to exchange 'services' for time off? Nice try. We all saw you lean in to whisper your offer. And I know you've been eyeballing me ever since you took my clothes off. But guess what, I am not interested. If you think I'm going to do something that depraved just because you're a guard you're dead wrong."

He scowled but it was too late, he'd lost his composure and the tape now had questionable content. He worked his mouth for a bit before growling.

"This isn't over."

He turned off the recorder and stormed out if the room. I leaned back as more guards entered to lead me to my cell.

"Too easy."

I sat on the bed in my cell and fiddled with my cuffs. I'd been told that they would suppress my magic so I couldn't breath fire, but I'm assuming they worked on my sorcery too. The chain had been removed so they were just attached to my wrists. But... I had already picked the lock on them. Seriously! They were easy as all heck! All I had to do was wiggle my claw around a few times in the inner mechanisms and I managed to unlock it! But then I realized that was because they were for unicorns, creatures without claws, so I wasn't just good at lockpicking... the guards thought I was stupid.

"This is going to be fun."

I could escape now... but this was my golden opportunity to not only make some criminal allies, but to tick Celestia off. I was going to start a prison break. Tomorrow at breakfast I'd begin making allies and then... then it was plotting time.

Author's Note

Were any of you actually expecting the protagonist to switch over to being a hero?

Bad Influences

I was being escorted by a pony with a bad case of creep face. Like, dude looked like he head butted a belt sander. As we approached the cafeteria he cackled.

"You'll have a lotta fun here pretty boy. Well, someone else might at your expense. This is gonna be good... I guarantee it."

He gave another ominous cackle before the door slammed behind me. I turned and made my way past tables lined with ponies who all looked like they were on something. They all had way too many tattoos and lots of missing teeth. One stood and walked over to me, followed by the biggest pony I'd seen yet. (He was still way shorter than me) The first pony sneered before saying,

"So you're tha new guy? Well here's how things werk around heah. I'm the boss. I tell youz ta do somethin, you do it. Or Brick over here will make you wish you was dead."

The pony gave a gap toothed smile. Mr. Sleezbag nodded before holding up a hoof.

"Now that youz know, kiss my hoof."

I looked from his hoof to his face before saying,

"Yeah, I'm not kissing that."

He glared at me.

"Think you're tough stuff do ya? I'm warnin ya. Kiss my hoof, or else."

"Your hoof comes near my mouth and you won't be getting it back."

I made a point of snapping my jaws as loud as possible, showing off my razor sharp fangs. Sleezy paled a bit before growling.

"Brick, feed him those teeth."

"On it boss."

Meathead lumbered towards me before throwing a wild haymaker that I back stepped away from. Okay, that was the sloppiest punch I've ever seen. He's probably used to fighting idiot prisoners or drunks. So long as I don't get hit, I'm golden.

He swung again and I dodged before nailing him across the face. He blinked before glaring at me.

"Heey. Hold still so I can murder you!"

Oooookay... he's too stupid to feel pain. So if I want to take him down, I need to take out his legs. Thank you dragon teacher for the fighting lessons!

He swung once again (I think he only had one setting) and I narrowly dodged it before grabbing his hoof. I darted behind him before planting a foot on his back and pulled his leg back as far as I could. With a loud pop it was out of socket and hanging limply beside him. He looked at his useless appendage before looking back at Sleezy.

"Uh... my leg don't work no morez."

Sleezy was looking nervous now. Good. Maybe I should--

"HEY! No fighting! That's an infraction!"

A group of pony guards lept between us as one levitated a slip of paper over to me... but not Meathead.

"Wait, why am I the only one getting one?!"

The guard sneered.

"You broke this pony's leg!"

"He started it."

"I didn't see anything like that. Now we gotta fix him before--"

I skirted around the guards and grabbed Brick's leg before popping it back into socket.

"There. Good as new."

Brick gazed dumbly at his leg as he slowly moved it around.

"It work good now!"

"Yeah. It work real good now."

He gave me the gap toothed smile again.

"Thanks! You are nice to me! I be friend now!"

"Yay. I'm so flattered."

I walked away from the two ponies before I heard something to my right. Looking over I saw the only non pony gesturing for me to come over to her table in the corner. She was a griffin with white feathers and a grey lion half.

"I'd be careful if I were you. The guards are preferential to the ponies."

"So like all of Equestria."

She shrugged.

"Name's Gwynn."

"Drake."

She nodded before propping her head up on a claw.

"So what are you in for?"

"Thievery and being a dragon."

She smirked.

"Same, except for the dragon part. What'd ya steal?"

"A crapload of gold from the royal vault."

She went slack jawed when she heard that.

"You... robbed Celestia herself?!"

"Yup. And got away with it. It was quite some time before they caught me."

She whistled.

"That takes either skill or stupidity to do. Me? I just got set up. I work for a bandit named Jackel. We all watch each other's backs when we're up to no good and occasionally do jobs for outsiders. Like a gang of thieves for hire. Anyway, a pony wanted someone to nab the contents of a safe that belonged to their 'rival' and I got sent out. The Royal Guard was waiting inside. Total setup."

I nodded before whispering to her.

"You tried to escape?"

She shook her head.

"Security's too tight here. If a whole bunch of us got out at once and got some weapons we might be able to, but the guards keep us on a short leash."

I nodded before asking,

"So why are you telling me all this?"

"Cause I can tell that you're going to try to bust out of here. When that happens, I wanna be on your good side. Also I just watched you humiliate the biggest douche in this place."

"Heh, fair enough."

She smiled before adding,

"Oh, and be warned. Today's visitation day."

"Visitation day?"

I sat in a small chair as some pony came trotting in. Apparently he'd been visiting the prisoners for some reason and now it was my turn. He smiled at me and said,

"Hello friend."

I raised my eyebrow. The pony sat down beside me before continuing.

"Now I can tell that you're skeptical about me calling you my friend, but it's the truth. All of the goddesses' children are my friends."

"Goddesses?"

The pony nodded.

"Why of course! The divine sisters Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. They who control the sky and all that is below it."

I laughed.

"Woah woah woah, let me get this straight. You worship those two?"

"But of course! The goddesses deserve our praise for they are infallible and merciful. Despite the crimes you've committed against them, they still love you and will accept you into their flock should you give them the worship they deser--"

"Can it bub. There's only one God, and he definitely doesn't look like Celestia."

The pony gasped before shaking his head.

"Alas, another who will not come to the truth."

I watched in disbelief as he left.

"Trying to tell me that horse is God. Please, what a bunch of phooey."

The next day I was led to the cafeteria with all the other prisoners. The ponies gave me a wide berth while Gwynn nodded to me before getting her tray. As I sat with her at the empty table (high school all over again) a guard stood on a catwalk above us and whistled.

"Alright everypony, listen up."

Once he was satisfied with how much attention we were paying, he continued.

"Only a few announcements today. First, due to inclement weather today, you will not be going outside."

A few prisoners groaned.

"Also, prisoner 56 report to the main hall."

Looking down at my shirt I realized that I was prisoner 56. Great, more interrogation.

After my meal I headed towards the main hall. Once there I was escorted into a different room where a chair (like the ones in the dentist's office) was sitting. A mare looked over at me and beamed.

"Sweet Celestia! They weren't lying!"

I gave her a skeptical look. She gestured for me to sit in the chair as she continued.

"I'm Doctor Stethoscope, and I've dedicated my life to the study of dragons. You're such fascinating beasts, it's a shame that you're so secretive."

"So what exactly do you want."

"Well, upon hearing that a dragon was now a prisoner here, I asked Princess Celestia for permission to examine you! Don't you worry, you're in good hooves."

I really didn't like the sound of that. I looked over at the table she was standing next to and looked over the various scalpels and pliers.

"So what exactly are you going to do?"

She looked over and said,

"Well, I'm going to take a sample pf your scales, blood, firebreath, and teeth. Oh, and I'll be needing some claw clippings."

Oh hell no.

"Yeah, no thanks."

She giggled a bit.

"My my, you've learned Equine very well. Such a smart widdle guy!"

She picked up a scalpel and hit a button which caused restraints to clamp down on my limbs.

"Now be a good little dragon and I'll give you a treat!"

"What the heck! You can't do this crap! It's illegal to experiment on somebody against their will!"

She rolled her eyes.

"Somebody. You're a dragon. You count as a magical beast in the eyes of the scientific community. Whoever taught you to talk should have been more careful. I mean, it's almost like you think you're a pony!"

Welp, I was gonna wait a bit, but I guess I'm breaking out now. I lunged forward and bit through the iron restraints. What? My teeth can crush basically anything! Now that I was free, I gave the mare a menacing look. She gulped and darted for a button on the wall. I caught her tail and swung her like a club into the wall. She flopped onto the floor, unconscious.

"Welp, time to get my things!"

I unlocked my cuffs before conjuring my sword.

"For a high security prison, this place kinda sucks at security."

I exited the room and crept silently through the hallways. I found a door labeled "Prisoner Belongings" and opened it. After a brief search I found my coat. Once I was out of the striped shirt and back in my coat, I spotted some leather gloves with a matching knife and saddlebags. Hmm... I wonder who else in this place has fingers!

I heard the door open and spun around to see a guard gaping at me. I smirked before whacking him with the flat of my blade.

"Too slow bud."

Now then, I have a griffon to rescue.... Aw, what the heck, PRISON BREAK!

Gwynn distractedly bounced a rubber ball against the wall of her cell. Unlike most prisons, the inmates here were confined to their cells until they had a scheduled activity. She heard a commotion from down the hall and poked her head out to investigate, along with all the other prisoners. Out of the gloom of the unlight emd of the hall strode Drake with a keyring he was twirling in his claws.

"Good morning! This is Drake speaking. Despite the stellar accommodations here, I've grown tired of this place. I extend the same option to you. Who wants out!"

Cheers rang through the prison. One voice could be heard over the rest.

"Me! Me! I wanna go back to my flower garden!"

I turned to that cell and saw Brick standing there, grinning like a buffoon.

"Brick! How's it going!"

"Good! How about you, friend?"

"Pretty good, pretty good. You want out?"

He nodded enthusiastically. I unlocked his cell and immediately was wrapped in a powerful hug.

"Drake is Brick's bestest friend forever!"

"Easy there... big guy!... you're choking me!"

He let go before trotting down the hallway. I released the other prisoners before stopping before the final cells. One had sleezy pony, and the ither Gwynn. I let the griffoness out and handed her her belongings. She grinned as she put everything on.

"Well! Not only did you get me out, you even got my stuff for me! What a gentleman."

I rolled my eyes.

"Eh, anything to tick off Celey."

As we turned to leave, sleezy banged a hoof against his cell bars.

"What about me!? Youz can't just leave me heah!"

"Eh... yeah I can. Ciao!"

I casually walked away, followed by the griffoness. We passed guards who had been knocked unconscious as we made our way to the exit. Looks like I didn't even need to fight! Win-win! Once outside, Gwynn turned to me and offered me her hand.

"Here's where we part ways... for now. I'll tell Jackel about you, you know, get you an ally in the criminal underworld."

"See you later then. It's been fun."

She nodded before flying off. I looked at the mountains extending around me and sighed.

"Dang it. Where do I go now?"

I chose a direction before setting off into the mountains.

(Later, in Ponyville)

"SPIIIIIKE!"

Twilight hurriedly flipped through her books as Spike ran over to her.

"Twilight? What's wrong?"

She groaned before responding.

"Drake broke out of prison! We need to catch him again! So, I've taken it upon myself to devise a variation of the teleportation spell that will only effect dragon. It should be able to send him directly to a specially designed cage that I will place a magical beacon inside!"

Spike nodded.

"Huh, does it work?"

Twilight gave him a sympathetic smile.

"That's... why I need your help."

Spike sighed.

"Twilight, are sure this experimental spell is... safe?"

"It should be. I mean, it's just teleportation!"

Spike sighed before smiling.

"Alright! I trust you!"

Twilight nodded before pointing at a small piece of paper with a large magical sign drawn on it.

"There's the beacon. You should be moved directly to it."

Spike closed his eyes as Twilight fired up her horn. There was a flash and Spike disappeared. Twilight looked at the beacon but grew worried when Spike didn't appear.

"Spike? SPIKE!"

Author's Note

Really really really sorry and the wait. I was trying to make the chapters longer but I got super busy so... sorry. I'll try to keep the updates regular. Once again, sorry for the wait.

I'm Responsible! Part 1

"Well... I'm freaking lost."

I scratched my head as I looked at yet another empty valley. It had been three days since I had left the prison and I still had no idea where I was or where I was going. It would help if--

"ALL THESE FREAKING MOUNTAINS DIDN'T LOOK THE SAME!"

I growled as I stomped off towards yet another summit. As I continued up the mountain the heavens opened up and torrential rains came pouring down.

"Great. Just great. Of course it rains."

I sullenly slogged through the deluge until I spotted a small cave in the side of the mountain. It was just big enough for me to crouch down and slip inside. Once I was in I peered into the darkness and--

*Thwack!*

"HEY!"

I whirled to the left just in time to catch another hit on the top of my head. I sent a blast of fire breath straight ahead and something caught on fire. There was a yelp and then the burning branch dropped at the feet of....

"YOU! You're that pipsqueak that called Celestia!"

The purple dragon looked at me and gasped.

"YOU! What are you doing here!?"

"Getting out of the rain. What about you? Shouldn't you be prancing around with the ponies?"

He shivered and sat down, glaring at me.

"I would be if you hadn't escaped from prison! Yesterday Twilight heard you'd escaped and began working on some spell to help catch you. She tested it on me and now I'm wherever this place is."

I scoffed at the story.

"Too bad for you. We're in the middle of nowhere with nothing even close to being nearby and no map at all."

He grumbled before a loud gurgle came from his stomach. He sighed before rubbing his gut.

"And to top it all off I haven't eaten in hours."

I rolled my eyes.

"You're a dragon. Go hunt something."

He looked at me in horror.

"You mean... kill and eat some poor defenseless animal!?"

"If by that you mean go hunt an animal, cook it and eat it to avoid starving, then yes."

"That's disgusting! You're a murderer!"

Okay, I am sick and tired of these people shoving their opinions where they're not wanted. Time to do something about it.

I grabbed him and pulled him close to my face before showing my fangs.

"You see these teeth? What do you think they're for?"

He gulped, clearly afraid.

"E-eating gems?"

"If they were only for gems why would they be so sharp?"

"Uuuhh... that's just how it is?"

"Face it you little twit. We're predators. We eat meat. If you don't want to eat meat, fine, be my guest. But don't try to guilt trip me for surviving."

He shakily nodded and I let him go. I growled as I thought about the fine mess I was in. If only I had my backpack! But that was still in Ponyville. I heard Spike groan from behind me.

"If only I could fly. I could get high enough to see where we are. Then I could get back to Ponyville in no time."

Liiiiightbuuuuulb. I turned to the little dragon and grinned.

"What was that about flying?"

He looked at me and then rolled his eyes.

"If I could fly up high enough for me to see where I am, I could totally find my way back home."

I held out a claw and said,

"Here's the deal. I fly you up high enough and you guide us back to Ponyville."

He shook his head.

"No way! I'm not guiding you back to Equestria! You're nothing but an evil dragon!"

"But I'm your only hope. Not only can you not fly, basically anything in this forest could eat you alive. Face it, you need me for my wings and actually being a dragon, and I need your brain to guide us out of here."

He sniffed.

"Yeah right. I could just do what I've been doing and wait for Twilight to come find me."

"And starve in the process. Or die of dehydration, or exposure, or get eaten alive by animals. You either guide me, or you die."

He bit his lip and mulled it over before sighing and reluctantly shaking my hand.

"Fine. But I don't like you."

"The feeling is mutual you little sh... snot."

He glared at me as I moved to the other side of the cave. The rain was still coming down so it was just time to play the waiting game until it stopped. We sat in silence for what felt like hours until the rain lessened before stopping entirely.

"Alright, lets go."

I exited the cave with the diminutive dragon following behind me. We continued up the mountain (with me having to slow down a few times to accommodate his stubby legs and lack of endurance) and finally reached the top. Once Spike had recovered I grabbed him and flew straight up. He screamed like a little girl.

"AAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! DON'T DROP ME!"

"Look around, stupid! You're supposed to be guiding us!"

He cracked an eye open and looked all around us. He then pointed a claw at a mountain in the distance.

"There! I think I recognize that mountain! There's supposed to be a town there called Griffinstone. It's near the border of the Gryphon Empire and it's where a lot of griffins live in Equestria."

"Sweet! We can stop there for supplies before finding the road and following it back to Ponyville!"

"Yeah! NOW LAND! FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA LAAAAAND!"

I rolled my eyes before returning to the ground. Spike immediately flopped down and kissed the ground. What a drama queen. I adjusted my coat and said,

"Alright. Judging by the position of the sun we need to head Southeast. Unfortunately I can't carry you all the way so we'll have to walk for most of it."

Spike shuddered.

"Thank Celestia. I'd rather keep my feet on the ground."

"Tch, wuss."

Spike glared at me before walking off.

"C'mon. The sooner we get there the sooner I can get away from you."

I watched him begin to descend the mountain before pointing behind us.

"It's this way genius."

He froze and his face turned red in a mixture of embarrassment and anger. He huffed before stomping back over and continuing on the correct path. We walked in silence for hours before the sun began to set. I cleared my throat in order to get Spike's attention. He looked at me and I pointed up.

"Sun's setting. We should make camp."

He sighed and wistfully looked towards Griffinstone.

"Fine. Where do you think we should stay."

"Probably the large hotel in the middle of nowhere."

He whirled on me and shouted,

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF--"

"Shh!"

He paused before growling.

"Don't shush me you big--"

I clamped a hand over his mouth. He clawed at it and tried to bite me before I slapped him across the face. He was momentarily stunned which gave me more than enough time to secure my hold on him and listen. As he squirmed in my grasp I heard it again. To the right of us a low snarling growl could be heard. Spike instantly froze and all the blood drained from his face. I slowly turned and saw a hulking figure stomping towards us.

You know the Ents from Lord of the Rings? Yeah. Imagine that except super fat, covered in fungus and slime, and with half a dead deer clasped in its hand. It groaned again before continuing towards us. I shoved Spike back before conjuring my weapon.

"Spike. You'd better stay outta my way."

He didn't reply but he did quickly scamper away from us. I slowly circled the monster as it continued trudging towards me. Once it was close enough it raised its arm and attempted to smash me into pulp. I sprang forward and swung my sword in an arc straight into its arm. It sliced into its thick skin but didn't cut all the way through. I jumped back as it clumsily swept its other arm before sending a gout of flame straight at it.

The creature creaked before swinging madly at me. I ducked below its first strike before it swung the deer at me like a club. I didn't have time to move so I braced myself as best as I could. The impact sent me flying into the side of tree and I rolled to the side as it threw a boulder at me. Once I was back on my feet I took to the sky and began dive bombing it with my firebreath. It continued throwing rocks and clods of dirt as portions of its body continued to burn. Out of nowhere, suddenly changed directions and began pounding its way towards Spike.

He screamed and scrambled backwards as the beast bore down on him. I tucked my wings and held my sword out in front of me before slamming into its head. The blade of my sword stuck all the way through its head and out the top of its mouth, but it still kept running after the smaller dragon. I tugged on my weapon but it wouldn't pull out. With a groan I summoned it to my hand before the creature shook itself like a dog, trying to rid itself of me. I hopped off and turned to face it. Spike shouted at me,

"How is it still alive!?"

"Probably too stupid to realize it doesn't have part of its brain anymore."

As if to emphasize my point the creature screeched before attacking again. I shoved Spike back as its sharp claw like branches scraped against my chest. My scales stopped most of it but I still picked up a few scratches that began to bleed. My coat however got three huge gashes ripped into it.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME! THAT'S IT! BURN YOU PIECE OF CRAP!"

I sprang forward and grabbed the top and bottom of its mouth. I forced it open before sending the hottest fire I could make straight down its throat. It screeched and flailed as I incinerated its insides. Eventually it stopped moving and smoke began to pour out if its open mouth. Panting, I stepped away and surveyed the carnage. Looking down I saw my coat fixing itself before my eyes.

"Huh, neat."

Guess that's what Discord meant by adding protection to it.

I turned to Spike to see him staring slack jawed at me. I grinned a devilish grin before saying,

"See what I said before? Anything here could eat you alive."

He shakily nodded, never once taking his eyes off the burning monster. I rolled my shoulders before heading back to where we'd originally been.

"I suggest we sleep in the trees. That way we can avoid getting ambushed."

"S-sounds good to me."

I lifted him and set him in the branches of a large tree before moving to a branch a little further down. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a wrapped up piece of meat. Leftovers from my hunt yesterday. I quickly heated it with my breath before taking a bite. I heard Spike's stomach growl and I looked over at him.

"Hungry?"

He glumly nodded. I held out the meat and gestured for him to try some. He gulped before shaking his head.

"Dude, it's either this or starve. I won't tell anyone what you had to do to survive. Nobody can blame you."

He sighed as his stomach protested his fast even more loudly.

"F-fine. I'll have some. Happy?"

I shrugged and handed him half. He tentatively bite it and gagged before reluctantly eating the rest. With that done I got situated and prepared to sleep.

(Sometime around midnight)

Somewhere in the distance a wolf howled. With a thump (and wheeze from me) something landed on my stomach before scrabbling under my coat. I cracked an eye open to see Spike cowering on my chest.

"And here I thought you didn't like me."

He shivered as the wolf howled again before replying.

"I d-don't. B-but I prefer you o-over b-b-being eaten!"

I sniffed before adjusting to the added weight and getting back to sleep. Griffinstone here we come... eventually.

Author's Note

Wow... I suck. I'm really sorry for leaving you guys hanging for so long, bit it's been crazy. I've been super tired and busy so it's been tough finding the time and motivation to write this. Hopefully the next one will be out quick given it is the other half of this chapter (In case you were wondering about how unfinished it sounded.) Sorry once again, hopefully I'll get the rest out soon. Hope you enjoyed!

I'm Responsible! Part 2

"So... this is Griffinstone?"

I stood beside Spike as he said that, absolutely flabbergasted.

"Uh... Equestria to Drake?"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!"

He jumped at my outburst, but I was so not done yet.

"THE ONLY GRIFFIN CITY IN THIS STUPID COUNTRY AND IT'S AN ABSOLUTE DUMP! FRICKIN PONIES MAN! HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE THEY GOING TO SCREW OVER!"

I huffed before stalking into the city.

"C'mon, let's get this over with."

As we walked through the town griffins idly stared at us before going back to their business. Most were just lounging around run down buildings while others were playing dice or cards for small scraps of paper. The griffins doing this tended to look more desperate than the others, and upon taking a closer look at their chips I figured out why.

"What are they gambling?"

"Food. Probably risking what they can in an attempt to get a little more."

"Oh! So like what Twilight's parents do at Hearthswarming! Except we all just use peanuts or pretzel sticks."

I shook my head at his naivety.

"Spike... they're not gambling for snacks. Those papers are the difference between going hungry or not."

"Huh? But why not just buy more food from the store?"

"Based on how crappy these houses are, I'm guessing they don't have any money."

He looked sadly back before hurrying to keep up. I noticed more than a few griffins giving us a hungry look. I summoned my knife when Spike wasn't looking and made a show of using it to clean my claws. The griffins quickly lost interest after that. As we walked we passed closed shops with boarded up windows and condemned buildings with griffins slouching against the ruined walls. Spike pointed out one of the only building that wasn't in ruins and read the sign.

"There! Griffinstone City Hall."

"It's as good a place to get some info as any."

We walked towards it and past some of the only shops still in business. There was a cart selling some withered looking turnips, a stand with potatoes, and a cart with some sort of bread being sold by a griffiness with purple highlighted feathers. Spike tugged on my coat before pointing at the bread stand.

"That seems like the best place to get food for traveling. We should check the prices and... see if it's any good."

I raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"Sure you just aren't hungry?"

He blushed and scuffed his foot against the ground.

"Yeah, and I really don't want to have to eat meat again."

"Alright then, let's check it out. I'm guessing you don't have any bits."

He shook his head. I reached into my pockets and pulled out a bag of the golden coins.

"Where did you get those?"

"I took them... from prison."

"You mean you stole them."

"Is it stealing if they belonged to a hardened criminal?"

He held up a claw before pausing to think it over.

"Whatever's the case, do you want food or not."

He closed his mouth and nodded. We made our way over and I placed a bit on the counter.

"I'll take some of those please."

The griffiness looked over at me and her eyes widened slightly before seeing the gold coin on the counter. She nodded and replied in a gruff voice as she scooped several of the small cakes into a paper bag.

"Sure thing. Here you go."

I took the bag and handed it to Spike... who instead looked at the griffin in fear. I waved a claw in front of his face and asked,

"Hey, wakey wakey."

The griffin noticed Spike and frowned.

"Wait a minute. You look familiar."

Spike stammered for a bit before running off in the direction of the city hall. I looked back at the griffin and asked,

"Any idea what that was about?"

She huffed and waved a claw in a dismissive gesture.

"Yeah, I remember him now. I... kinda went to Ponyville to visit my friend, er, former friend and... it didn't go so well."

"Huh, how bad? When I first visited I got arrested."

She sighed and looked away.

"Well, one of the ponies my former friend was friends with wouldn't leave us be. And she was so dang annoying that I just kept getting madder and madder! I mean, why couldn't she buzz off for one flappin day! Instead she had to constantly interrupt everything we were trying to do, and RD didn't even try to stop her! Anyway, I was already in a bad mood when said friend threw a 'party' for me." She shuddered and crossed her arms, "I've never been so humiliated in my whole life. I try to take a drink? Cup's rigged to pour all over me. Eat a cupcake, they made it so spicy that I couldn't eat it. Then they zapped me and made fun of me for screwing up their stupid pony game."

"Ouch, that's rough."

She blew some of her feathers out of her face before replying,

"The worst part was... she was laughing at me too. Rather than stick up for me, she joined in on it. So... I lost it. I lost my temper and told her to choose between her friends and me. She chose them. Anyway, I came back home and went back to selling griffin scones like my mom, and her mom, and her mom. End of story."

I nodded before asking,

"I need some supplies and a map, know where I could get them?"

She pointed to city hall before saying,

"Right there. But be warned. The mayor and his thugs are a bunch of crooks. He'll try to take you for all you're worth. Heck, ever since they came to power they've been bleeding us dry. His guards take it upon themselves to 'tax' anyone they feel needs it. And by that, I mean shake them down. Anyway, why are you traveling with that librarian's pet?"

"We have a deal. He helped to guide me back to Equestria, so I'm taking him back to Ponyville. You know, back to the land of prejudice and excess."

She rolled her eyes.

"Ponies. They don't know how good they have it."

"Tell me about it."

I placed two more bits on the counter before walking away. She scooped them up and gave me a searching look. I waved her off and said,

"A tip for the information. Don't worry, I've got plenty."

She grinned and placed the three coins she'd earned from me into a lockbox before returning to her work. I found Spike hiding in the doorway of city hall and passed him the bag of scones. He nodded before following me into city hall, biting into a scone as he went. He froze and made a weird face.

"What?"

"These aren't like scones from Sugarcube Cornee."

"Of course not. They don't have sugar in them. Do you really think people here could afford anything more than regular bread?"

"I... I don't know. Why does nopony here have money?"

I gave him a meaningful look.

"Maybe you should ask one of your pony friends when you get back to Ponyville."

He nodded.

"Yeah, okay."

Upon entering the building a unicorn stallion sitting at a desk looked up and jolted in surprise. I raised my claws and said,

"Easy man, we're just here for a map and some supplies."

He let out a shallow breath before growing an unreadable expression.

"So... you need a map, and I'm assuming water."

I nodded and he pulled out the requested items.

"So... let's talk price."

"Ah, of course. What are you thinking?"

He looked a bit surprised that I was actually haggling with him before hiding it and taping his hooves together.

"Hm... how about... fifty bits. Chump change for a dragon."

Spike let out a surprised 'what!' and gave the stallion an astounished look. Yup, he's trying to swindle us.

"Hm... sounds like a deal...."

The stallion grinned, obviously used to dealing with wimps and idiots.

"--For a moron."

He blinked in surprise as I leaned closer.

"How about I take the map and water and you get to keep your life."

He gulped before lighting his horn up.

"Back off! One wrong move and I'll turn you into--"

*Shing*

"GYAAAAH!"

*plop*

The unfortunate stallion looked up at his stump of a horn as I set my sword by my side. I scooped up the supplies and grabbed him before dragging him to the door and throwing him out. Five guards who had been shaking down a hapless griffin looked up in surprise as their boss landed in front of them, crying in pain. Spike hesitantly followed, holding the unicorn's severed horn away from him.

"Uh, Drake? Was that necessary?"

"These ponies are the reason why this place is so run down. And I think they've overstayed their welcome."

I grabbed the horn and tossed it to the unicorn. It hit his head and landed in front of him. The guards turned to face me, weapons at the ready. I looked past them and noticed that a crowd of griffins had gathered to watch. Time to give them a show.

As the guards charged I sprang into action, slicing the ends off of their spears. As they flinched back I layed into them with my claws and tail. Before long they were all lying at my feet. I turned to the crowd and yelled,

"Griffins of Griffinstone! Are you going to let these ponies push you around! I think it's about time you throw these parasites out of your town permanently!"

They all began to grumble and eventually advanced on the ponies as they struggled to their hooves. Instantly the street turned into a battlefield with griffins and ponies desperately grappling with me right in the thick of it. This was so much better than prison.

Spike frantically attempted to escape the crowd only for a hoof to catch him in the nose. He staggered backwards and clutched his injury as the much taller combatants threatened to trample him. That is, until he was yanked out of the fray by a set of eagle claws. He found himself pressed against the chest of a certain griffin as she lept away from the fight. Soon he was being set down and his head being turned for ease of examination.

"You okay?"

He cracked an eye open and gulped.

"G-Gilda?!"

Gilda blew her feathers out of her face and rolled her eyes.

"No, I'm Princess Celestia. Who do ya think, dweeb."

"W-why'd you help me? I thought you hated me!"

She crossed her arms and looked away.

"Look, just shut up and listen. I... want you to deliver a message... to Rainbow. Tell her... that I'm sorry. Sorry for loosing my cool and... acting really lame."

Spike gave her a wary yet sympathetic look.

"Gilda?"

"Shut it! Now don't you have somewhere to be?"

Spike dumbly nodded and ran to meet up with me. He found me standing outside of the town having reclaimed the supplies.

"Ah! There you are! Ready to go?"

He nodded and we both left as cheers erupted from the town. He gulped before asking,

"Do... do you think they'll recover soon? You know, back to before those bad ponies showed up."

I sighed and adjusted my coat.

"I hope so. Goodness knows it was probably already bad before then. I just hope they come together and rise to the challenge."

Spike nodded before asking another question.

"Why did you help them? I thought you were a bad guy?"

I shrugged.

"I'm more... a free spirit. You know, chaotic neutral and all that. Heck, maybe I should become a regular old Robin Hood. 'Steal from the rich and give to the poor!' and all that."

Spike grinned.

"Sounds like a comic book antihero! You know... you're not such a meany after all."

"Hey! Don't say that! I have a reputation to upkeep!"

We both laughed as we followed the path down the mountain. It was still several days until we reached Ponyville, so we had to make the most of our time and resources so we could get there without delay.

(Ponyville, later)

Twilight desperately poured over books of magic as her friends stood worriedly behind her.

"There has to be a way! I have to find him! He's all alone out there and probably scared out of his mind! Ooh!! Why'd I even test that spell on him! How could I have been so stupid!"

Rarity stepped forward and placed a hoof on her friend's shoulder.

"We're all worried, Twilight. But panicking won't bring Spike back. I... I miss him too, but we have to put on a brave face and remain calm. For Spike."

The other ponies echoed her statement and Twilight wearily dried her tears.

"I'm trying, Rarity. I really am, but I can't help but--"

*knock knock knock*

The ponies all froze as the door opened to reveal--

"SPIKE!"

The six ponies rushed forward and soon had a group hug going on with the baby dragon in the center. After they had finished patting eachother and talking about how happy they were to see him, Twilight asked.

"Spike, where have you been? How'd you get back?"

"Well, I got sent pretty far away, but I had a little help from a friend getting back."

He looked out the window and towards the rooftop I was crouched on, sorting through my bag. He waved to me and I waved back before taking to the sky.

"Now then, time to find a hideout!"

Author's Note

AAAAAH!

Sorry. I just needed that given everything crashed and I lost a bunch of progress and it took forever to get everything working again. Hope you liked the chapter!

You Want Me To Do What!?

I set down near a farm on the outskirts of town so I could plot a course. I wanted to find somewhere easily defendable that would be difficult to find. Maybe I should ask Ra'avez if there were any old dragon homes I could move into. Like... an ancient dragon bunker. Suddenly, a deeply accented voice called out,

"Heeey! You there! Cmere fer a sec, sonny!"

Looking over my shoulder, I saw an old, wrinkley pony waving to me from a rocking chair on the porch. I pointed to myself and she nodded. Once I'd walked over I gave her an odd look and asked,

"Do you need something?"

"How'd you like ta make some bits real quick?"

"Uh...."

She laughed.

"Course ya do. Anyway, I need you ta watch Applebloom and her friends. I was going ta, but I just heard that tha Ponyville Roller-Rama is having a special deal so me an the old roller derby mares are gonna go get our scate on."

"So... you want me... a dragon... to babysit?"

"Peeeerdy much."

"...Can you throw in one of those pies for the road when I'm done?"

She grinned and held her hoof out. I shook it and asked,

"Where are they then?"

"Oh in their liddle clubhouse. Just go right from the barn into the orchard."

"Cool. See you when you're back... hopefully with my money and pie."

"Yup!"

She turned and yelled into the house.

"Alrighty ladies! Let's kick it!"

Three other mares came hurriedly out of the house with roller skates and biker helmets on their backs. The pony I'd been talking to grabbed a pair of skates out of her knitting basket before also grabbing a spiked helmet and leather jacket. She cheered before hurrying after her friends.

"Rwlr sk8 for lyfe!"

Her friends all raised their hooves and replied,

"Rwlr sk8 2 kre8"

I laughed as they walked over the hill.

"They remind me of my grandma from Maine. Grammy McCain once chased off some vandals with her rolling pin and a 44. Magnum. Heh... rest in peace Grammy... rest in peace."

I finished reminiscing and began to search for my new wards. After a brief walk I found a treehouse that obviously was what the pony had been talking about. I walked up the ramp and gave the door a knock.

"Just a second!"

I heard scurrying from inside before a small white unicorn with a curly mane opened the door. She froze when she saw me and I gave her a smile.

"Sweetie Bell, who's there?"

An orange pegasus with a purple mane walked over and joined her friend in staring. I raised an eyebrow as yet another pony walked over. This one was yellow and had a red mane with a big, pink bow in it. She took one look at me before asking,

"Why are y'all wearin a coat?"

"Probably the same reason you're wearing a bow."

She looked up at her bow before shrugging.

"Cause I think it looks nice?"

"Yup."

"Huh... so, uh, what're you doin here?"

"Some old pony is paying me to watch you guys while she goes roller skating."

They all gasped and Yellow gave me a surprised look.

"Granny Smith hired YOU to watch us?"

"Yup."

"That's... that's...."

They all lept in the air before shouting together,

"Awesome!"

To be honest... I would totally have said the same thing as a kid if a dragon had been my baby sitter. I awkwardly stood by as they began to talk excitedly. What... I'm bad with kids. I just really like money... and pie. After a bit they turned to me and the yellow one said,

"Er, Mr. Dragon?"

"Yeah?"

They all scuffed their hooves and looked nervously at eachother before continuing.

"Well... we were gonna ask Spike if he could pretend ta be a mean dragon trying ta attack Ponyville, you know, to see if we'd get dragon fighting hero cutie marks...."

"But now you want me to do it?"

They all nodded, looking hopeful. Oh sheesh, I am so going to regret this, aren't I? With a sigh I said,

"Alright... what do you want me to do?"

As the dust cleared, Apple Bloom wiped the sweat out of her eyes before tightening her grip on her blade. She looked to her companions as Scootaloo readied another arrow and Sweetie Bell light her horn, lightning crackling as she prepared to attack. Apple Bloom prepared to tell them to charge the vile beast before it could recover, when suddenly the earth began to shake. They all prepared as the fell dragon snarled at them. It was down on all fours and towered above them. It could easily gobble them up whole with a single chomp.

"Dwnph wet ii gerbl yo uh!"

Sweetie Bell looked confused.

"What?"

"Dwnph wet ii gerbl yo uh!!!"

Scootaloo scrunched her face up.

"Down... wet-ey gargle yo-uh?"

"Neeew! Ahhha sphe dwnph... wet... ii... gerbl... yo... uh!"

The fell dragon scratched its head.

"Uh... what language are you speaking?"

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes before spitting out her sword.

"Ah said don't let him gobble you up!"

"Oooooooh!"

"Right... now where's mah sword?"

"Here you go."

"Thanks."

She took the weapon in her mouth again and the dragon retreated before letting out an ear-splitting roar. The heroes responded with a battlecry and sprang into action. Apple Bloom ducked below the monster's claw swipe and slashed across its hind leg. The beast howled in fury only for Scootaloo to shoot it with her arrows. The dragon lept back only for Sweetie Bell to shoot lightning bolts at it. As the beast reared onto its hind legs the three warriors grouped up and charged.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MONSTER SLAYERS GO!!!!!!"

They slammed, full force, into its soft, squishy underside (MY STOMACH IS NOT SOFT AND SQUISHY!) causing to topple to the ground, defeated. Scootaloo stood tall upon the belly of the beast and cried,

"And once again, the Cutie Mark Crusafers have saved the day!"

They all looked to their flanks and--

"Aww... I was sure this was it! I even narrated super awesomely!"

Scootaloo tossed her wooden bow and toy arrows to the side before hopping down and walking over to the chart they'd set up to catalogue their various ideas. So far, they'd tried dragon racing, (wouldn't work given there wasn't another dragon around except for Spike, and he was just a baby.) cooking with dragon fire, (at least they got smores out of that one) and dragon tea parties (Sweetie Bell's idea, not as cool as it sounded.) With a sigh Scootaloo crossed their last resort of the list. Dragon slaying was a bust.

"Cheer up, Scootaloo, at least it was fun!"

Scootaloo sighed as Apple Bloom set her wooden sword down and picked up one of the cardboard lightning bolts they'd made for Sweetie Bell to throw. Scootaloo shrugged.

"Yeah, it was."

"Says you! Getting hit in the shin with a wooden sword doesn't feel too great!"

Apple Bloom nervously chuckled as I groaned.

"Yeah... sorry 'bout that. I hit ya a bit harder than I was trying."

I huffed as I remained lying on my back on the ground. Not just because my leg hurt, but also because I had a unicorn lying on my stomach. I raised my head and looked at Sweetie Bell as she lay sprawled out on me.

"Ahem, do I look like a mattress to you?"

She groaned and rolled over so she could look at me.

"But all that fighting made me tired! And you're super warm and comfy!"

"Well at least I know I have a promising career lined up as a mattress."

She yawned before nodding.

"Uhuh, especially during winter."

I rolled my eyes before gently pushing her off. She grumbled as she walked over to her friends and looked at the chart.

"So, what should we try now?"

The other two fillies shrugged. I cleared my throat as I walked over.

"I might have an idea."

Meanwhile, Twilight and gang sat in the park, happily munching on pastries from Sugarcube Corner. Given that Spike had just miraculously returned, there appeared to be no excuse to not celebrate. In a brief lapse in the conversation, Applejack looked over and frowned.

"Hang on, ain't that Granny Smith?"

The others all turned to look as well and Pinkie Pie said,

"Hmm... yep! It suuure is!"

"But... she's supposed ta be watching Apple Bloom?!"

She cupped her hooves around her mouth and yelled,

"GRANNY SMITH! C'MERE FOR A SEC!"

Said mare turned and trotted over, her roller skating friends following after her.

"Howdy girls. Whatja need Applejack?"

"Ah thought you were goin ta watch Apple Bloom and her friends today? Who's watching them?"

Granny Smith waved a hoof.

"Some dragon in a coat."

The assembled mares all gasped and Twilight said,

"Were his scales blue and he had a black coat on?"

"Yuuuup."

They all looked at eachother and scowled.

"Drake!"

Rarity gasped.

"If he's with them, who knows what sort of dastardly scheme he's up to! Sweetie Bell, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom could be in trouble!"

Rainbow Dash lept into the air before hovering in place.

"C'mon! Let's head to Sweet Apple Acres and stop him!"

Granny Smith held up a hoof.

"We also owe him about ten bits and a pie fer watching the girls!"

The mares didn't acknowledge her bit raced off, leaving Granny Smith, Spike, and Granny Smith's friends behind. Spike tried to call after them,

"Wait! He's actually not that bad!"

Granny Smith placed a hoof on his shoulder.

"Don't you worry sonny, we'll catch up to them."

"How?"

Granny Smith grinned and nodded to her friends.

"It's time for the Country Gals to roll out again!"

The elderly mares all started to cheer and whoop as they donned their skates. Granny Smith passed Spike a pair.

"Wait, why do you have extra roller skates?"

"Son, roller skates are like dentures. Always carry extras and soak them in water overnight."

"Uhh... what?"

"Hang on tight little feller! We don't slow down for greenhorns!"

Spike screamed as he was dragged off by the speeding grannies.

"Sk8 4 lyf!!!!!"

...

"And remember to get his pie!"

Applejack led the charge as the ran towards the clubhouse. They heard the screams before they climbed the hill.

"Hurry! We got tah save them!"

The mares all voiced their agreement (except Fluttershy who was trying not to pass out from fear.) and rounded the corner of the clubhouse to see--

"How in the heck did you three manage to even do this? We were playing hide and seek!"

I stood staring up at the three fillies as they hung upside down from a glob of tree sap. Sweetie Bell groaned,

"Trust me, we have a history with tree sap."

I shook my head as they continued to struggle to get free.

"Give me a second."

I flapped my wings and landed on the branch they were hanging from.

"Sheesh, I'm going to have to get creative. I don't even know how you managed to collect this much sap!"

I conjured my sword and began carefully positioning it to cut the branch. That is, until I heard the yelling.

"You leave them alone!"

I looked down and--

"Oh... it's you six."

"Hi, Sis!"

"Don't worry Apple Bloom! We'll save you!"

"Cool! Oh, meet Drake, he--"

Rarity glared at me.

"Trust me, we know all about him."

I looked from my sword to the three hanging children.

"Okay, this looks a whole lot worse than it is."

Rainbow flew towards me causing me to hurriedly leap out of the way.

"Dang! You're freaking fast!"

She began to circle back around and flew full force towards me. Oh... I know what to do. I jumped to the side and grabbed the branch before letting it go. As I'd suspected from her wide turn, she couldn't turn easily at high speeds. Her face hit the branch and her body got stuck in the top of the sap before she flopped over and hung from her hooves beside Scootaloo.

"Wow! That was so awesome Rainbow Dash!"

"Ow... heh, don't sweat it--"

*crack*

"... kid?"

With a snap the branch broke and began to fall, the ponies attached to it screaming at the top of their lungs. Before it hit the ground I reached out and grabbed it from the branch I was hanging from. I almost lost my grip as their weight challenged my strength.

"Dang! How much do you weigh!"

Suddenly the branch was surrounded with a purple aura and wrenched away... subsequently with me being wrenched from my branch and falling to the ground.

"Not cool. Not... cool."

I stood up to see five very angry ponies and one angry pony trying to free her tail from tree sap.

"Hello, ponies."

Twilight scowled.

"Drake. I should've known you'd be back to cause trouble."

"Yeah... you should've. Anyway, I'll just collect my pay and bounce. I don't want to be a--"

Rainbow Dash struggled a bit more before yelling,

"Only place you're heading is back to jail! And this time you'll stay there!"

"Yeah, uh, that's just like your opinion man."

The Pink one adjusted her cannon(?) before frowning.

"I'd rather be throwing a party, but I'll help my friends take down a meanie McMeaniepants any day!"

"... charming."

"Hey sis, how do y'all know Drake?"

"Not now Apple Bloom."

I entered a fighting stance as I continued to stare down the ponies.

"Alright then, let's--"

"YEEEEEHAAWW!"

Old pony from before came to a screeching halt in front of me before handing me a pie and a couple bits.

"Here's yer pay, sonny. I'll watch 'em from here."

"Oh sweet! Thanks"

She nodded before skating over to the fillies and Rainbow Dash.

"Got yourselves stuck, huh?"

"...yeah."

"Welp, nothing for it but some of my sap-away! I'll get y'all cleaned up before you can say 'ew, why does it smell like that.'"

Twilight turned away and said,

"Whatever, prepare to face--"

She paused when she say only empty space.

"...justice. Ugh! How many times is he going to get escape from justice!"

Pinkie tapped her hooves together in thought before shrugging.

"Probably until it becomes too cliche and predictable to be entertaining."

Author's Note

Heads up, starting Friday I'm going to be without Internet for an unknown period of time. I'll keep writing chapters on paper, but it'll be a bit before I can upload. And even then I'll stagger then so I can upload consistently. Anyway, hope you enjoyed. Bye!

Playtime's Over

Ra'avez absently used his telekinesis to throw the rubber ball as it bounced back to him. He'd been trying to entertain himself somehow, but his options were limited given he was incorporeal.

"Three hundred thousand seventy seven, three hundred thousand seventy eight, three thousand seventy--"

"Morning, Ra'avez."

He jumped and the ball bounced away. He sighed and slouched over.

"Well, I guess I have my new record. Greetings, Drake. Have you come for further instruction?"

"Not at the moment. I'm actually here to ask if you know of any place I could use as a hideout. Preferably a place where Celestia and her goons can't find it."

He steepled his claws and hummed before nodding.

"Well, I guess you could have my old home. It's nearby, has plenty of wards and enchantments to keep it secure, and I don't really need it given I'm stuck here."

I paused for a second as I thought it over. Being stuck in an empty school for years with nothing to do given you were a ghost... dang.

"Oh... uh, I'm really sorry about--"

He waved a claw dismissively.

"No need to apologize. You didn't kill me and leave me stuck here. I had already planned on becoming an Eidolon, but I had hoped to teach rather than just while away my time."

"An... Eidolon?"

He gestured for me to take a seat before using his magic to make a holographic copy of himself.

"Long ago, I discovered that you could create a... how do I put it... copy, of yourself for after your death. Myself and a few others that were deemed to important to be lost to the ravages of age decided to bind ourselves to Totems, devices I created to store and sustain an Eidolon after the original died. Unfortunately, the Fall caused our plans to go awry and myself and the others were trapped as Eidolons after Celestia--"

He froze and his eyes widened. I didn't hesitate to jump on that bit of information.

"Wait, Celestia was the reason behind the fall!?"

"NO!"

I flinched as Ra'avez calmed himself before replying.

"Sorry, I still happen to have a bit of a grudge towards... never mind. You'll be told about everything later, by someone much more important than I. Anyway, I might as well begin preparing directions for you to find my house. You'll find the key in the drawer of the nightstand in my quarters. Any questions?"

"Yeah, I... I thought dragons were immortal?"

He shook his head.

"We're very long lived, not immortal. The true lifespan of a dragon has never been documented. Most died of either disease or were killed before they could get close to the age of Celestia or even Discord."

I jerked my attention back towards him upon hearing that name.

"Discord?"

"Have you not heard of him?"

"Well, yeah. But I don't know much about him."

He tapped his chin before gesturing at nothing in particular.

"He's the immortal spirit of chaos, let's just leave it at that."

As I left I heard him mutter,

"Well, the current one at least."

I decided to let that be because... I, I don't really know. I felt like it would be dumb to ask more. I quickly located the key and returned to find Ra'avez levitating a scroll to me.

"Here, this should be a sufficient guide. I shall eagerly await your return."

I took the scroll and bowed my head as a sign of respect.

"Thank you. I'll return when I'm able."

With that taken care of I exited the school and took off, leaving the spectral dragon to pass the time however he wished.

I opened the scroll and quickly read it before placing it in my pocket.

"Alright, fly south until you reach the mountain with a crumbling tower on it. Then you go left from the tower until you reach a waterfall. Fly through the waterfall and you'll reach the main entrance."

I followed the directions exactly and soon found myself in front of a large stone door with runes carved into it. I found the keyhole and inserted the key before turning it. The door shook before splitting in two and sliding into the sides of the doorframe. Once the doors were clear, I cautiously crossed the threshold and looked around my new home. The first room held an unlight fireplace, several old armchairs, and had doors that lead off to a kitchen, library, bedroom, and a large, empty room that would be perfect for a loot vault. With the preliminary tour out of the way, I could go retrieve my--

"There you are! You would not believe how big of a pain you are to find!"

I spun around and gave my unexpected (and bizarre) guest a confused look.

"Wait a minute, Discord!?"

The mismatched creature grinned before pulling me into a tight hug.

"Congratulations! You finally are ready for the real deal."

I extricated myself from his grip and frowned.

"Wait, what did you say? And I thought you were sealed away in stone?"

He shrugged and took a seat in one of the armchairs.

"They might have the majority of my power all locked up, but I can still view the world and whisper ideas into the minds of ponies. Perks of being the Avatar of Chaos and all that."

"Okay... but what are you doing here?"

He held his paw to his chest in mock offense.

"Why, can't I just visit my favorite human?"

I raised an eyebrow and he sighed.

"Fine, party pooper. I'm here to both congratulate you... and warn you."

"Warn me?"

He gave me a devilish smile before snapping his claws. I fell to my knees as vibrant purple energy came spilling out of my eyes and mouth. The energy rushed to Discord and melded with him. I coughed as the taste of burned popcorn and metal coated my tongue.

"What... what was that?"

"Oh, just retrieving the little gift I loaned to you. I couldn't have you getting locked away or killed before you even got settled, so I gave you a little... help."

I stood up and wobbled on suddenly weak legs.

"What do you mean help?"

He tapped his chin before saying,

"I put a few ideas in your head, made you a bit stronger, helped you learn some stuff, made you calmer and braver, rewired your brain to understand Equine, and overall made you better than you should have been. You could consider it a tutorial of some sort."

"So why take away that power now?"

He grinned, his mismatched pupils gleaming with mischief.

"Because you were getting, how would you call it, overpowered. So consider yourself... nerfed."

I growled and summoned my sword, which suddenly felt much heavier.

"But why? Wouldn't it be more entertaining to watch me be stronger than everyone else?"

He cackled before vanishing in a puff of smoke.

"Because nopony likes a Gary-Stu, Drake. Anyway, try not to immediately die. Ta-ta!"

I growled and dropped my sword. I could already feel the effects of having Discord's power removed. I felt... weaker, less confident, and most of all, I was scared.

"I'm in trouble now, aren't I."

Author's Note

What's that? Did you all think that he was going to be Mr. Awesome the whole time? Well, if so, then you thought wrong. Also, I'M BACK FROM THE DEAD! And probably going to be putting out chapters much quicker now.

I'm Screwed

I stared blankly at my reflection in the mirror. Not only had Discord's sudden removal of power made me feel weaker and... more like my awkward human self, but it had also caused me to look more like my old human self as well.

"Seriously, Discord? Low blow."

I flexed my arms and ,where once there were rippling muscles and testosterone, now there was only a twig wrapped in a thin layer of meat. I was so much smaller that I had had to put my coat in my backpack because it was like a tent on me. To accompany the pathetic physique, was my usual mindset and personality back. Where once I'd felt powerful, ambitious, and ready to conquer the world; I now realized that would take ,like, forever and be a whole lotta work.

But... what if that was Discord talking? He claimed he screwed around inside my head, so what if he planned for this to happen? How much of me is me and how much is Discord? And the scary truth was, I was at his mercy. If he got bored and decided to screw me over for a quick laugh, he could. Now I understand why in Roman times people used to be terrified of being thrown into the arena. Even if you beat your opponent, the emperor could still release the lions if he felt like it.

"No! I'm not going to go down that road! I'm me and nothing Discord says or does can change that. I won't be his pawn or his puppet or whatever! I'll do whatever the hell I feel like!"

The only thing I really felt like doing at the moment was going back to magic school and maybe getting filthy stinking rich if an idea struck me.

Suddenly, there was a lightbulb.

"Wait... maybe Ra'avez can help me out! Or at least give me some advice. Whatever, anything to stop being my pathetic old self again."

I prepared to leave before realizing I should probably shut the door. I walked to the entryway and examined it momentarily.

"How the heck do you close this thing?"

I pushed, I pulled, I asked it, I commanded it, I even tried to seduce it.

"Hey, hot stuff, why don't you... slide it out for me."

I winked and stroked the doorframe.

"I promise, you'll like it."

(I got shot down... by a door. I've hit rock bottom.)

I sighed as nothing brought about any results. Guess I'll just leave it open.

"Fine then! Be that way! I don't need you! I'm perfectly happy on my own!"

Why am I like this.

I kicked the door and the key popped out as it shut.

"Huh... that works."

Upon exiting I spread my wings and took to the sky. While it once had been difficult but manageable, now it was almost impossible. I almost immediately began to breath heavily and my wingbeats grew labored.

"C'mon! I can do this! I'm unstoppable!"

I made it approximately three minutes before I was absolutely exhausted. I began to dip towards the ground as I gasped for air.

"Holy crap! I *huff* am out *huff* of shape!"

I gracefully flopped onto the ground and rolled over a few times before stopping to catch my breath.

"This... *gasp* is so... *heh* much harder now! *wheeze*"

I mean, I was using only a few muscles to lift my entire bodyweight. Of course having my horribly underdeveloped body back will make it impossible. Stupid Discord.After a brief respite, I was on my feet and trudging towards the school.

"I really don't like this! I was so much better off as a sort of badass!"

I slapped my forehead as I realized something.

"How am I even going to lift my sword! I'm back to not even being able to lift a corner of my mattress! Unless... well it is magic."

I summoned it and immediately fell over due to the sudden weight. I stood and gripped it with both hands and lifted for all I was worth. The blade rose slowly and wobbled the whole time before I gasped and let it drop back to the ground.

"Oh great. Now I'm practically defenseless. I bet my magic is going to be weak now too. Although... I do still have my knife. I can always just be a typical thief. But I'll definitely need to work on my stamina. If memory serves me correctly I almost failed P.E. once because I passed out after a few minutes of the mile run and I'M TALKING TO NOBODY AGAIN!"

At least back on Earth it was just that I was pathetic and probably going to die alone. Now I'm almost guaranteed to die a horrible, painful, gory death at the hooves, claws, or magic of my enemies. I closed my eyes as frustration welled up inside me. With a growl I slammed my fists to the ground and bellowed,

"DAMMIT! FOR ONCE I WASN'T A COMPLETE FAILURE AND DISCORD HAD TO RUIN IT! WHY! WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED TO SUCCEED! WHY DOES EVERYthing that I do... go... wrong."

I slouched over to a large rock and sat down on it. I looked down at my hands before squeezing them shut.

"Why is it every time I'm about to catch a break it all goes to hell in a handbasket. I've practically trained for this my whole life, but now that I'm here I'm worse off than I ever was."

I stared at the ground for a second before jumping to my feet and slapping myself.

"No! None of that melodramatic bull. So what I'm a wimp again, that never stopped me before. Who cares that I have powerful enemies. I had bullies back in school that were way stronger than me! But do you know how I beat them? I outsmarted them! I might not be strong, or handsome, or funny, but I do happen to be relatively good at tricking people! Play to your strengths, Drake, play to your strengths."

I ran over to the edge and lept onto a rock jutting out over the valley.

"I'm back baby! And I'm going back to my roots! And I won't screw it up this time! I will also stop talking to myself like a crazy person!"

Just then I heard a commotion from below me. Looking down I saw a slender, blue dragon in gold armor fighting two guard ponies off with a broken sword. Now's my chance to get a powerful ally! If I can surround myself with beefy warriors there's no way I can loose! I dragged my sword over and (with much effort and little grace) threw it down at the group before leaping down after it. It landed in front of the dragon causing all the combatants to leap away in surprise.

"Need a hand?"

The dragon looked at me before picking up the sword and charging the ponies. I followed behind, knife in hand. The unknown dragon was a whirlwind of pain and steel now that he had a decent sword. It only took a few moments before the ponies (both were pegasi) took to the sky and beat a hasty retreat. I nodded at him before saying,

"Nice fighting."

He grunted before hefting my sword and examining it. After a brief once over he turned to me.

"Where'd you get this thing?"

Oh... it's a she. Judging by the voice anyway.

"I found it. Name's Drake by the way."

I held out a claw which she ignored as she continued inspecting my weapon. I awkwardly stood there before she decided to speak.

"Ember. My name's Ember."

"Nice to meet you. So, what brings you around here, especially by yourself?"

She shrugged.

"Just looked around. Beats sitting in the Dragon Lands. And I didn't feel like sharing anything I find."

"Huh, so where are you headed after--"

"There!"

We both looked up and saw the two guards returning with reinforcements. They landed in front of us and a unicorn mare in detailed armor stepped off a chariot two of the pegasi were pulling.

"By order of Princess Celestia you are to return to the Dragon Lands immediately. Resist and you will face the consequences."

Ember looked at the guards and bit her lip in thought before looking at me and smirking.

"Hey, Drake was it? I've got an idea."

I leaned over.

"What's your ide--"

She quickly slashed one of my wings, tearing the thin membrane which really FREAKING HURT before shoving me towards the ponies and flying off.

"They're all yours! I'll be keeping the sword by the way!"

"Gyaah! What the heck!?"

She didn't respond given she was already pretty far away. I groaned in pain and attempted to hold the gaping hole in my wing closed.

"Son of a...."

I heard hoofsteps and the unicorn soon approached on my side.

"Now that... was a jerk move. I'd heard that dragons were heartless, but that was in a league of its own. Cutting down a comrade so you can get away."

She shook her head before motioning for one of her troops to come over.

"Could you bring me the med kit. That cut needs attention immediately."

I looked at her in confusion.

"Excuse me?"

"Is something the matter?"

"Uh, yeah. It almost sounded like you wanted to help me."

She raised an eyebrow as the first aid kit was placed beside her.

"Does that surprise you?"

"Yes. Typically you ponies are all very eager to try to knock me off."

"Well I'm not. And you've already lost a lot of blood."

I looked at my arms and realized just how much this cut was bleeding. I flinched as a yellow aura surrounded my hands and removed them from my wing. Immediately antiseptic was poured all over the cut (OW! Even in a land of magic talking ponies antiseptics hurt like all get out!) before she carefully began stitching the hole closed.

"I had a night pony in my troop once and learned from her how to patch up wing membrane. You should heal up fine."

I nodded, still surprised.

After she placed gauze and bandages over the stitches she looked me over with a critical eye.

"Can you stand?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Good. Once you're ready I'd recommend leaving Equestria at once. You don't seem like a bad dragon so I'd rather avoid a second confrontation and the subsequent use of force. Understand?"

"Yeah, yeah. I get it. Thanks for patching me up."

One of the two guards from before spoke up,

"But Captain! This dragon assaulted us and aided that other dragon in--"

"Private, what were you doing out here today?"

He froze before carefully replying,

"I was on patrol with Fleetwing."

"So why exactly did you confront a dragon? Protocol dictates that you are to tell me about any dragons you find so we may issue them a warning."

"But Captain I--"

She whirled around and yelled,

"Did I ask you to speak!"

He immediately froze before looking straight ahead.

"No, Captain."

"No is right! Now you should consider yourself lucky that I'm not having you court marshaled for insubordination for that stunt you and your buddy pulled. Instead you will be cleaning latrines and serving meals until I decide you've learned your lesson! HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR!"

He and the other guard saluted.

"Yes, Captain."

"Good. Now we're returning to camp. Form up and move out."

I watched as they took to the skies again and vanished behind the mountains.

"Well... that just kinda happened. I mean, I didn't even really take part in that at all!"

Author's Note

Sorry for the wait and for being the worst!

Don’t Wanna Be—

“Well... that didn’t go according to plan.”

I sighed as I checked my injury. I’d made camp in a cleft in the rock face I’d been walking beside. With my wing out of commission, I wasn’t flying anywhere anytime soon. Not that I really cared given I wasn’t strong enough to fly anyway. Still, my “plan” was what I was aiming for. Assemble a team of badasses and do... stuff.

“Okay, that needs some work.”

I sighed and began rooting through my backpack in search of... something. I dunno, anything useful or inspiring would be welcome.

“Cram, no. Gem? *crunch* no. Water? Not thirsty. Books?”

I looked through the various subjects.

“Hm... Elementary Elementalism? nah. Barrier Arts? Don’t think I’m strong enough. Magical Enhancements for Armaments and Armor? Eeeeeh... nah. Hallucinations—Another Side? Wait, Illusion magic? My curiosity is piqued.”

The book itself was pretty cool looking. Black leather bound the covers and spine with the title being inscribed in silver along the spine. Three intersecting circled adorned the cover with silver corner protectors on each corner.

“Well, it definitely looks cool. And it’s basically about my favorite magic stuff ever. I mean, DnD, uh... other games. Huh, why don’t more games have cool Illusion spells?”

I flipped it open and began to leaf through the various spells inside as the fire began to burn low. That is, until I remembered something.

“Oh yeah, screw you Ember!”

I conjured my sword and huffed,

“Hope you were in the middle of a fight.”

—�—�—�—�—�—�—�

I awoke to another glorious morning in the quixotic realm of fairytale creatures and talking rainbow ponies I now called home.

“*Yaaaaaaaaa—CRACK—euuugh*”

I smacked my lips before crawling out of my tent and into the full glow of the argent dawn. I shuddered as a slight chill settled into my core.

“Sheesh, why am I cold? Oh yeah, altitude, early morning, not suped up on Discord magic. Where’s that dang coat.”

I reached into my bag and pulled out the black raiment before putting it on. It was way too big given I’d shrunk in both width and height. (I was now back to my typical human height of, like, five-something rather than being over six feet tall.)

“Come on you useless ‘magical’ cloak. Do something—“

*Shwoo—POP*

“Oh... id amo!”

The coat had gone from looking like a classy military jacket to looking like... like.... You know those Orginization XIII coats? Kinda like that except no chains or ornaments, it only came to a little past half my calves, and the hood draped down onto my shoulders rather than cover my mouth or completely darken my face. So... like a regular cloak except with a weird zipper with... no zipper.

“Oh come on! How am I supposed to adjust this stupid thing?”

I tugged, I asked, I even tried magic words, but to no avail.

“Ugh... why?! Why make a coat that doesn’t work!?”

I tapped the zipper absently and scraped my claw against it which, to my surprise, opened it.

“Discord, right. Nothing makes sense with that clown.”

I adjusted it to my liking before eating and packing my gear up. Once completed, I set off in the general direction of the school, once again.

“*hmhmhmmmm... On the road again, going to some place I’ve... never been.”

(Later.)

“Hmhmmmmm. hm Hm HM HHHMMMMMM! HM HM HMM HMMM HMMMM! HM Hm hm.”

(Even later)

“Legs... hurt.”

I groaned before sitting down beneath a barren tree and stretching out my aching feet.

“I swear, I really need some shoes. These rocks are murder on my heels!”

I jumped as an arrow embedded itself in the trunk of the shriveled tree behind me.

“Oi, you move a muscle and the next one goes between your beady liddle eyes!”

“What the—“

Standing on the ridge above me were five creatures. One griffin, two pegasi, a unicorn, and an earth pony. The griffin kept his bow aimed at me as his companions lept down and landed before me. The unicorn levitated a dagger in a menacing fashion as he said,

“Hand over your valuables and you won’t get hurt.”

Ah, bandits. I raised my hands and cautiously gave them a once over. They didn’t look terribly threatening, but my guess was they relied on outnumbering their victims rather than actual skill. So, I have an idea of how to make my escape.

“So sorry, but I’m afraid that’s out of the question.”

Unicorn scowled.

“Maybe you didn’t hear us right. Give up your stuff or die!”

I tossed my knife up and caught it again.

“No.”

They all backed up a bit at the sudden appearance of the weapon. Excellent, now onto phase two. I dashed forward and grabbed the dagger out of the unicorn’s wavering hold. As I expected, the griffin shot wide and missed due to surprise. Before they could attack I hopped to the side and ran for it. If I was lucky, I’d have a few seconds head start before they rallied and gave chase.

“Get back here!”

Crap.

I tried to duck but the griffin landed a glancing blow with his tackle, knocking me off balance. I got to my feet as he lept at me again. Alright, plan B. Time to use some magic.

“Quoira.”

A wave of force flew from my palm and struck the griffin midair, killing his forward momentum. Great, I was right. My magic is much weaker now. I staggered as the unicorn shot me with a ball of magic with the pegasi preparing to dive-bomb me judging by their position. Maybe a bit of fire breath will persuade them.

I took a breath before sending tongues of twisting flame in a cone out in front of me. The pegasi veered out of the way while the other bandits either scattered or got a little toasty.

Before the flames cleared I was blindsided by the earth pony who tackled me and landed on my wing.

“Gah!”

“What the hay! You said ‘e was too liddle to breath fire!”

“He looked like he was. Whatever, I’m in a bad mood now. Get him!”

The bandits gathered round and began to pummel me while their friend held me down. I eventually lashed out with my tail and unseated my captor before summoning my sword and spinning for all I was worth. I was rewarded with yelps of pain as it sunk into soft flesh. I dropped it before leaping off the cliff and spinning in midair. As I fell below their line of sight I recalled one of the spells I’d been studying last night. I fixed an image of me flying up, out of the valley in my mind before saying,

“Fudra khan ichtes.” (Fool their eyes)

As I’d hoped, as I felt the magic drain my strength, the bandits pointed up and took to the skies, the pegasi carrying the other ponies. I sighed in relief even as my strength continued to wane. Eventually it stopped, but only when I was completely exhausted. I tiredly gazed at the approaching river and groaned,

“What is with me and falling into rivers?”

Author's Note

Fun facts about me! 1)I’m bad at meeting expectations! 2)I’m disappointing! 3)I forget stuff easily! 4) I am sorrt for the wait and kinda short chapter. It was either this or an even longer wait. I’ll (hopefully) get the next out sooner. But, I wouldn’t bet on it. Hope you enjoyed! And I’ll see you, next time.

—All By Myself

Ineffable is a word that means, “Indescribable, unexplainable.” An example of this is the sentence, “The aching pain, splitting headache, and overall feeling of weakness I experienced upon awaking was ineffable.” I attempted to rub my forehead but found that my arms weren’t responding. That spike of panic caused me to attempt to move my legs which were also unresponsive. I groaned, and a distinctly accented voice said,

“Easy mate, you’re in damn rough shape. I’d just sit there and save me strength if I was you.”

I cracked an eye open and gazed at my surroundings. My eyes landed on a griffin sitting in a chair beside me. Upon completing a brief survey I surmised that I was in a bed in a small house/cabin. Exactly where? No idea. How long I was out? No clue. What even happened? Nadda. I swallowed, my mouth parched, and asked,

“W-wha—*cough cough*”

I doubled over as I devolved into a coughing fit. My mystery caregiver was immediately at my side with a glass of water. I gratefully accepted the cup and gulped down the water within seconds. After a few shaky breaths I tried again.

“What... happened?”

The griffin shrugged.

“I have no bloody clue. I was hopin’ you’d tell me.”

“How... did I get here?”

“Well, I was out doin’ the washing up, and I look over and there you are washed up on the bank of the stream. So I run over to you so I can see if ya dead or not. You aren’t, if you hadn’t guessed, so I picked you up and brought you here. It’s been, ooh... five days? Yeah, five days since I brought you here.”

Five days. And who knows how many before that.

“Honestly, I was kinda worried you wouldn’t wake up. Oh!—“ He picked up a bundle beside the bed and set it on my lap, “Here’s everything you had on you.”

I looked down at my coat and bag. Whether everything was still inside or not, I had no idea. My hand twitched as I strained to move.

“Uh... you gonna check those?”

“...I can’t move.”

The griffin stared at me dumbly as he processed it. He gulped and asked,

“You... what do you mean... you can’t move at all!?”

I grit my teeth as I strained every fiber of my being in an attempt to move my wayward limbs. I would not accept this! I refuse to be a cripple!

“C’mon! Move!”

I wriggled my torso as I furiously strained away at the prison my body had become.

“Easy! Easy! Calm down! You’re still recovering!”

“No! I don’t want to be stuck here! I want to be able to move!”

“But you need—“

I growled as desperation set in. None of you know how terrifying it is to become a prisoner in your own body. To be trapped, completely unable to move for some mysterious reason. If only I could remember what happened! But... everything’s all blurry and muddled in my mind. It was like my brain was filled with cotton that was slowing down my thoughts.

I began to panic. I usually have very good control over my emotions, but this was too much. As ashamed as I am of that moment of weakness, I admit I almost completely lost it. I came to a screeching halt as my rescuer wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest.

“Ay, ay... calm down. Just breathe. In... out... in... out.”

I focused on calming down as he began to rub my back. I also typically didn’t do physical contact. I mean, I’d be willing to hug my family if they expressly asked for it, but I didn’t exactly enjoy it. But... this was nice. I honestly could admit that I needed a hug right now.

“You good, mate?”

I slowly inhaled before gradually letting it out.

“Y-yeah. I’m better now. It’s just... what am I going to do?”

He shrugged.

“Well, what do you think I’m gonna do? Seeing I’ve let you stay this bloody long why would I throw you out now. Besides, I like to think of you as a friend. Odin knows I talked to you plenty when you were out. You’re a good listener by the way.”

He smirked and jostled my shoulder. I snorted and gave him a small smile.

“I’ll accept that.”

I looked down at my now useless limbs and sighed. I glanced at my still unidentified rescuer and said,

“Would you mind scooting over a bit. You’re sitting on my hand.”

He nodded before giving me a curious look.

“Wait. You can still feel your arm?!”

“Yeah, I... hey... I can!”

“Which means—“

“That I might be able to move again! I just need to build my strength!”

He grabbed my shoulders and shook me, an excited grin on his beak.

“Mate, I promise you. I will help you walk again.”

I nodded and gave him a smile.

“I’ll do my best to not let you down.”

“That’s the spirit!... I just realized I never introduced myself or got your name. I’m Gehrman, but my mates call me Garry. And you are?”

I was about to respond with “Drake,” but I realized that maybe... I should lose that name. “Drake” the large, muscle-bound dragon thief was already wanted and had guards amd bounty hunters attacking him on sight. To be honest, I looked almost nothing like I originally had, so why not... rebrand myself. Though what should I use for a name? If not Drake... them maybe....

“...Cain. I’m Cain.”

“Well then, Cain. How about something to eat?”

My stomach chose then to demonstrate the mating call of the humpback whale.

“Yeah... some food sounds good right now.”

Gehrman walked across the room and began to mess around with something just out of my sight.

“Hope you like toad in the hole.”

“...Excuse me?”

He glanced back and said,

“You know, toad in the hole. You never had it?”

I honestly had no clue what that was. It sounded like toad pie, but nobody would seriously make that, right? He must have noticed how confused I was because he continued,

“Toad in the hole! It’s a staple back in the Gryphon Empire! Like dead man’s arm or leg and shepherd’s pie!”

“First off, do I look like a griffin? Second, I have literally never heard of any of those except shepherd’s pie. Third, what is toad in the hole!?”

He walked over with a large thing on a wooden plate.

“It’s a sausage baked into a loaf of bread. It’s good!”

“That... actually does sound good. But why is it called that?”

He opened his beak... and then closed it.

“I... uh... don’t know. I’ve never actually thought about it. It’s just...
What we call it back home.”

“Is... that where we are? The Gryphon Empire?”

He flipped his claw back and forth in the usual “So-so” gesture.

“It’s more like the no-man’s land between Equestria and the Gryphon Empire. No ponies live here because they don’t want to be too close to any griffins, and no griffins live here because they don’t want to risk ticking off any ponies. Well, less the actual ponies and more Celestia and her Royal Guard.”

“Of course. Should have known.”

He waved a claw at me as he cut the toad in the hole in half.

“You should be happy about that. Celestia just issued a decree to force all dragons to stay out of Equestria. Apparently some have been crossing from the Dragon Lands and pillaging villages. Burning them to the ground, stealing anything shiny, killin whoever gets in their way. Uh... no offense to you or dragons, but please avoid pillaging my cabin.”

“On my honor as a dishonorable dragon.”

He squinted as he thought it over.

“You git.”

He shoved my shoulder as I smirked.

“Don’t worry, I’ll try not to sneeze.”

(Meanwhile, near Ponyville)

A bizarre creature sniffed the air. His ears perked up as he caught a faint scent. He got down on all fours and began to bound towards the small town, his claws digging into the soft soil. His breath came in quick pants as he rushed towards the town.

In town, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were standing outside Rarity’s house, waiting for their friend. Rainbow Dash groaned,

“Ugh! How long does it take to get ready for lunch! It’s not like we’re going to a fancy restaurant, we’re just meeting Twilight and Fluttershy at a cafe!”

Pinie giggled,

“Silly Dashie, you know Rarity always looks her best. It doesn’t matter where she goes!”

Applejack shrugged.

“She’s right you know. She’s always gittin all gussied up fer the littlest things. I just wish it didn’t take her half a day to do it.”

Rainbow Dash sighed as she idly hovered over her friends.

“I know, but we’ve been waiting for, like, hours!”

Pinkie pulled a watch out of her mane and hummed.

“Hmmm... nope! Only thirty-eight minutes, forty-nine seconds, thirty milli- no wait, uhh... I’ll just stop. Milliseconds go to fast to tell you about them.”

Just then, the door opened and out strode Rarity.

“Sorry about that, my mane just refused to cooperate today! Anyway, shall we?”

With that the four friends set off for the cafe. Upon arrival they joined Twilight and Fluttershy before looking over their menus. They all turned as they heard shrieks of surprise from down the street and Mrs. Cake breathlessly ran over to them. She halted, panting before the six ponies and gasped,

“Pinkie! *huff* you’ve gotta *puff* help! *gasp* there’s *pant* a monster! And *huff* it’s chasing *huff* me!”

Everyone gasped before moving to form a barrier in front of the mare as the shrieks got closer. Soon, a bounding creature rounded the corner and skidded to a halt in front of the ponies. Rarity screamed as she recognized what it was.

“DIAMOND DOG!”

Sitting panting before them was a brown canine creature with oversized paws and mismatched eyes. But... there was a slight difference between the other diamond dogs the mane six and this one. Rainbow Dash scoffed,

“Seriously? But this one’s scrawny! I mean, just look at it!”

It’s true, this diamond dog was a runt. Still large compared to ponies, but not nearly as massive as typical. He shook himself before growling,

“Where... pony go?”

The six ponies scowled and Pinkie said,

“You meanie! You better leave Mrs. Cake alone! You are not snatching her up and making her dig gems for you!”

The dog shook his head and growled. He caught a glimpse of the pudgy mare and lept over the six ponies, landing before Mrs. Cake. She yelped in surprise as he leaned in and sniffed her as Twilight and gang turned to face him. His ears perked up and his tail wagged before he said,

“You... food pony! I right!”

“HE’S GOING TO GOBBLE ME UP!”

The dog yelped as Twilight shot a magic blast at him.

“Run Mrs. Cake! We’ll take care of this.”

Mrs. Cake fled as the mares proceeded to attack the diamond dog. He fled under a hail of magic and hooves, his tail tucked between his legs.

After he was sure he’d lost his pursuers, the diamond dog whimpered and rubbed his stinging head.

“Why pony hurt so bad?”

He growled in frustration before choosing a direction and setting off again, sniffing the air for the scents he was searching for.

Author's Note

Happy Thanksgiving! Also, how would describe the “so-so” hand motion? Cause that stumped me for a bit.

Progression

I hummed a little tune as I rested against my usual tree. In the two weeks I’d spent recovering at Gerhman’s house I’d gotten strong enough to walk around on my own for a while. I’d improved so much in that respect that I could walk upstream for a while until I reached the waterfall where I was currently resting. It was a nice place to sit, relax, and do some thinking. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt like it was important to remember what happened after I jumped.

“Let’s see... I know something must have happened to break my fall, but what? It wasn’t the water because from that height and that speed it would have been like diving onto concrete. So something must have happened to have broken my fall that wasn’t normal. And something must have happened to me to cause such extensive damage. Wait....”

Something extraordinary broke my fall but at the same time left me weak and basically comatose for a few days. That can only mean... I must have used magic to break my fall and don’t remember it. But what spell? I don’t really know any spells that would do something like this. Talk about frustrating. I wish I could, like, actually scratch my brain to try to make me remember better. Whatever. Well... speaking of magic.

“I might as well practice some magic while I’m out here. Maybe figure out why it’s so much weaker now.”

I stood and moved towards the waterfall a bit more. Maybe I should start with the basics again. Like fire magic. I don’t exactly have to worry about getting burned given I’m a dragon.

“Fyair.” (Fire)

To my disappointment a truly pathetic “fireball” (if you can call it that) flew towards the waterfall and fizzled out in the mist.

“See, that’s what I’m talking about. It shouldn’t be that weak even if I’m not as strong anymore. I’m missing something, I know it. The question is, what?”

I cast the spell again and this time focused on the feeling of using magic. How I felt the power course from my core and gather in my palm. Wait, my palm. Whenever Ra’avez cast a spell a glyph appeared over his palm. Maybe I need to, like, charge the spell up like in Skyrim with fireball and similar spells.

“Fyair.”

This time I let the power collect in my hand until the glyph appeared over my palm. It was that intriguing design again, a flame inside a triangle with the very points cut off by a circle. As I charged it, the flame symbol soon became a real flame that steadily grew in my hand. Sweat beaded my forehead as the strain of gathering the magic as well as the concentration needed to hold it steady began to wear me out. I aimed the spell at the waterfall and released the magic. A much larger fireball shot into the waterfall and vaporized a bunch of the water with a satisfying “hiss.”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaw yiiiiiis. That’s so much better... and I’m tired now. Well at least that’s one magical problem down. Now if I can onlyremember what spell I used to save my life I can add that to my magical repertoire.... I remember when I used to stress about work and parties and avoiding the topic of my love life at Christmas dinner; not magic and monsters and not dying. Ah the good old days.”

I sighed as the topic I’d been avoiding was now brought to light. My family and past life.

“Focus on recovering now. I just need to put that out of my mind.”

I took a deep breath and slowly let it out before turning and walking away from the falls.

“I should head back to the house. I’m done here anyway.”

I stalked away towards the cottage, my good mood effectively destroyed. Not that I was really ever in a good mood. It was hard to think positive when it felt like I was aimlessly wandering in the dark. I had no idea where to go or what to do. I had no goals or plans and that really was getting to me. You might be thinking that I’m being overdramatic about this, but bear in mind how completely lost I was.

I was on some weird alien planet in an alien (yet similar so not as big a deal) body with weird powers, weird creatures all over, and no clue what to do. All my old goals were out the window leaving me with nothing to work towards. I no longer was working for a promotion or trying to buy a house, instead I had nothing but the clothes on my back and whatever was in my bag.

“No. I’m not going to sit and whine like this. Shut up and keep walking.”

I soon arrived back at the cabin and opened the door. My host was sitting in a chair, absently strumming a guitar. He always seemed to be playing around with some instrument or another. He looked up and waved.

“How was the walk?”

“Fine.”

“Feeling any better?”

“Eh.”

I slumped into the room where I was sleeping and rummaged through my bag for a gem to eat. I only had a few left so I’d have to either conserve them or find more. I turned as I heard a knock on the doorframe.

“Hey, can we talk?”

I gave Gerhman a blank look before shrugging. He walked over to nest-like pile of pillows and blankets where he preferred to sleep and sat down.

“I’ll be frank with you. I’m getting real tired of your crap.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t you give me that look! All you do is trudge around being up everyone’s butt with moping. You won’t talk to me, you barely eat, and you’re always super glum. Now I’m hoping this is an abnormal thing and that you’re not always a git, but it needs to stop. So start talking.”

“Why.”

“Because you bloody need to! You ever stop to think that maybe if you stopped bottling everything up you’d feel better?”

“Yeah right. As if that would help or that you’d understand. This isn’t exactly a problem that I can talk into resolution.”

“And why not?”

“Because it isn’t!”

“What problem is it then?”

“One that only involves me.”

“I’m sorry, but whose house are you staying in? Whose food are you eating? Who saved your life!? I feel like I deserve an explanation at the least! Maybe I’m overstepping my bounds, but at the moment I really don’t care.”

He was right. I was squatting in his house, eating his food (the little I did eat), and being a total inconsiderate jerk. And I’d had my head so far up my butt that I hadn’t even considered the inconvenience I was being. I hung my head.

“...I’m sorry. I didn’t even think of that.”

He sighed,

“It’s fine. I can tell that you’re going through a rough patch. But please, just let me know what’s wrong. Even if I can’t help, you won’t have to deal with it alone. As much of a pain as you are, I still would like to consider you a friend.”

Even after acting like a spoiled brat for the past few weeks, he still wanted to help me and be my friend. I couldn’t even believe it.

“Why? I’m nothing but a pain? Why shouldn’t you just throw me out?”

He shrugged.

“Even your sorry excuse for company beats being all alone. And besides, I couldn’t throw you out in good conscience. You’re more than a little pathetic right now.”

I shook my head, a smirk tugging at the corners of my mouth. He noticed and chuckled,

“There we are! Now, while I have you out of the doldrums, can you please tell me what’s eating you?”

I sighed. To be honest I always sucked at this sort of thing. I hated talking about my feelings or whatever. But I really owed it to him for everything.

“Fine... just know this doesn’t come easy for me. The problem is... I’m completely lost.”

He raised an eyebrow and gestured for me to continue. I groaned, trying to think of how to explain it.

“It’s that... that... I’m in an a place I don’t know with no family, friends, or purpose. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life or even who I am anymore.”

“Well I can’t speak for the family or yourself, but you have at least one friend.”

I gave him a small smile.

“I guess.”

He nodded before holding out his arms.

“Bring it here.”

I stared at him. He waved me over again, an expectant look on his face.

“Uh... I don’t really do physical contact.”

“Doesn’t matter, you need it.”

“No, I don’t think I do.”

“Just come here.”

“Yeah... no. I’m not hugging you.”

“Why not.”

“Isn’t it kinda... weird?”

“Not if you don’t make it.”

“I don’t know.”

“You either get your tail over here or I’m going over there.”

I sighed before standing and awkwardly patting him on the shoulder. He pulled me into a hug and patted my back.

“See, it’s making you feel better isn’t it.”

“Not really.”

“Give it time.”

....

“Okay now it’s awkward.”

“Yeah it’s gone on for far too long.”

“Yeah... can you stop?”

“I don’t know how to stop that won’t make it weirder.”

We both let go and stood uncomfortably. Gehrman raised his hand and froze before patting my shoulder.

“Yeah, uh, good talk. I’ll, uh, go start on dinner. If you want to help, feel free. Not that I’m expecting you too or.... I’m gonna go.”

I shook my head as I watched him go. That... was a first. Nobody’s ever done something like that to... I mean for me. It was... unexpectedly encouraging. Maybe I would help him with dinner after all.

————————————

I slowly turned to face the river winding through the valley as I continued to fall. I was going to die. That was it. There was no way I was going to survive this fall. I couldn’t fly with my damaged wing and I couldn’t stop my descent. This was the end.

....

Except, I didn’t want to die. Some instinctual part of me refused to consider the possibility of my demise. I’d heard of it feeling like time had slowed to a crawl in life-or-death situations, but it truly felt like everything had slowed to agonizingly sluggish. Unbidden, a memory flashed through my mind of one of the pages in the basic Elementalism book I’d read.

Reflexively I reached out and released every ounce of magic I could in one spell towards the river below.

“Glàce!” (Ice/freeze)

What looked like blue lightning shot from my hands and exploded against the water below. With a flash the river turned into a mountain of fresh snow that I landed in with a muffled *whmp* before the world went dark.

I awoke with a gasp and looked down at my hands. I checked to make sure Gehrman was asleep before focusing and allowing the spell to come to life.

“Glàce.”

A blue circle containing an upside-down triangle and another bizarre glyph appeared as ice crystals formed in the air.

“That... is awesome.”

Author's Note

Sorry for the delay. Hope you enjoyed it. Also, I wish I could show pictures of the sketches I’ve made of the various glyphs I’ve made, but I’m clueless when it comes to that sort of thing. Sorry.

In the Lair

“Hey! Not so rough!”

I stumbled as I was shoved into a large iron cage filled with various griffins and ponies. As expected based on what Jarl Fiadhaich had said, they were all either children or their mothers. The whole place was inside a series of caves and caverns with beds and stuff separated from firepita and so on. I reached out and grabbed Gerhman as he stumbled inside. The door closed with a creak and the griffin who captured us sneered,

“You lot play nice now. We need ya in good shape fer tha ransom.”

I dusted myself off and turned to the assemblage behind me. They all were staring wide eyed at me as Gerhman rubbed his neck.

“Uh... hello.”

They all shrank back and gasped.

“Right, dragon prejudice. Hello there, I am Cain. This griffin is Gerhman. Before you panic, I will not light you on fire, slash you with my claws, crush you with my tail, trample you underfoot, or eat you. Did I miss any stereotypes?”

An old griffin(ess? Do you call a girl griffin a griffiness or griffin?) coughed and grumbled,

“Steal our panties?”
“Mismatch our socks?”
“Put crunchy bits in soft food?”
“Make our crunchy food soft?”
“Sit on my face?”

We all looked at the middle aged pony who said that.

“Lady, what the actual Hell have you been reading.”

She blushed and shrank back. I turned to Gerhman and whispered,

“Alright, you explain things to the adults and keep them quiet, I’ll distract the guard.”

“Right.”

I walked to the bars and whistled to the bandit standing guard.

“Hey, hey you. Over there, yeah, you.”

“Shaddup!”

“...Uh... excuse me.”

“Shut it.”

“But... I gotta crap.”

“Don’t care.”

“...Come on, can’t you let a dude get out to use the bathroom.”

“There’s a bucket in there for that. Now shut up before I rip those piddly wings of your off.”

I turned back to the inside of the cage and grumbled,

“Douchebag.”

I walked back over to Gerhman and the others just as he finished whispering to the crowd of mothers.

“—so all we have to do is sit tight until the lads show up and kick these bandits... bums.”

The prisoners all excitedly whispered as I tapped Gerhman’s shoulder.

“I guess we wait now.”

“I guess so, bruv. I guess so.”

I spent the next however long it was leaning against the cage, waiting. After what felt like eternity there was a commotion as a group of bandits entered the cave we were in. One in particular stood put from the rest. He wasn’t a particularly large griffin, but he had an aura of cunning around him that suggested he was no ordinary bandit. He sneered as he twisted a yellowish ring around his claw.

“Greetings to my two newest... guests. I am Scorcher, and I’m here to inform you that your rescue is not coming.”

I did my best to hide my reaction but it was ultimately useless given everyone else started freaking out. The leader grinned and said,

“What, did you not wonder how I knew where the women and children would be all by themselves? I posted an informant inside the Jarl’s house and, well,” A female griffin that I’m assuming was attractive by griffin standards (she was wearing some griffin makeup and was walking in an ineffective yet bouncy way with a weird smirk) slunk over and stood by the little tool. She winked and waved at me. Odly, something about her expression looked kinda...off, but she seemed to be trying to hide it. (What! I’m mildly empathetic!) “Well, she’s been keeping me very well informed. It’s a shame that you didn’t bring any of your bags with you. I was hoping we could take your money and your hope in one fell swoop.”

He held out my coat and laughed.

“But this will suffice.”

He draped it around himself and drew the hood partially over his head.

“What do you think, Greava.”

She smiled slightly and said,

“It looks quite... dashing.”

He chuckled before walking out with his groupies.

“So long. It should only be a little longer before you return home and I become significantly wealthier.”

With that we were left with just the one guard like before. I inwardly fumed as the others all began to bitterly bemoan their fortune. I stalked over to Gerhman and growled,

“Great, just great. This turned out perfectly.”

“Tell me about it. What a prick that ‘Scorcher’ fellow is. I mean, who the blazes does he think he is? Actin’ all high and mighty with that smokin’ chick beside him.”

I raised an eyebrow and he squawked,

“What! Even you gotta admit she was a knockout. I mean, sweet Freya! Talk about a hot dish am I right!”

“Uh... must be a griffin thing. I personally am a bit turned off by the whole... all-fours and ‘she looks absolutely nothing like me’ bit. But you do you man.”

We were interrupted by one of the moms clearing her throat and saying,

“Einheria would like to speak to you.”

I switched my attention to her and asked,

“Einheria? Who is that?”

Gerhman butted in.

“She’s kinda taken over as leader of all this lot. Although... she can’t actually speak. You’ll see when you meet her.”

I shrugged and followed her to the center of the group of moms seated around one particular griffin in the far corner of the cage, safe from prying ears. This griffin was leaner than her counterparts and had snowy white feathers and grey fur. Her vibrant plumage and coat were marred by a host of scars all over her including an all too visible crescent along her neck. She nodded to me, her golden eyes piercing my own. She signed something with her claws and the griffin who fetched us translated.

“She says she is sorry that you were caught up in all of this, and that she appreciates the effort you made to save us.”

I nodded and lightly smacked Gerhman across the back of his head.

“Don’t thank me, thank this dummy for convincing me to act as bait.”

“Hey! Don’t blame me.”

Her eyes sparkled as she softly chuckled at our antics. I crossed my arms and asked,

“Quick question, how many of you are there?”

The translator spoke up.

“There are thirty-five of us.
Fourteen adults and twenty-one children.”

“Any way out?”

....

“None that we could think of so far. We haven’t been able to find a way out of this cage.”

“As roomy as it is, I definitely can see how staying in it could prove problematic to our escape.”

The white griffin raised an eyebrow and Gerhman piped up.

“Sorry about him. He becomes sarcastically obvious whenever he’s agitated.”

....

“She says that’s alright and that at least he’s keeping his spirit up.”

I shrugged.

“Either way, I could probably get us out of here by picking the lock. The question is, how do we escape from these caves?”

“I believe I could be of assistance in that regard.”

We all turned to see the female griffin spy standing in front of the door to the cage. Behind her, knocked unconscious, was the guard who had been at the door. As everyone nervously murmured I asked,

“How exactly can we be expected to trust someone like you to uphold your end of any bargain we strike?”

She scoffed.

“Because I hate it here more than you do. I hate these stupid bandits and that pompous ‘Scorcher.’ I want free of this life, and you want to escape. So I believe we can help eachother.”

“And what reason is there for us to believe you actually mean what you say?”

She growled,

“I hate all of these stupid bandits! The only thing they care about me is trying to get me into bed with them. And their leader treats me like his personal trophy.”

“So why haven’t you left?”

She laughed.

“If I could have, I would have. As much of a joke as Scorcher is, he’s crafty. If I ran he’d track me down and kill me in my sleep. So, in exchange for your freedom, guidance to your little town, and completely amnesty. I want one thing.”

“And what might that be?”

She gave me a wicked smile.

“I want you to kill Scorcher.”

Author's Note

You might be wondering why this took so long to come out. I’ll be frank. I got a new game that I’d been dying to play for months. My bad.

Scorcher

“I want you to kill Scorcher.”

There was silence before Einheria signed and her interpreter said,

“Why? Why is your request for us to kill him?”

The lady scoffed.

“Were you not listening before? I have plenty of reasons to want him dead.”

Gerhman scratched his head.

“But why not tell the Jarl about this so not only could he take care of Scorcher, but nobody would have been captured in the first place?”

I shook my head.

“She’s obviously not doing this out of the goodness of her heart, so as far as I can tell she was just waiting for the ideal moment. When there would be the least risk for her with the most reward.”

As my fellow captives murmured their malcontent the spy smiled.

“You’re sharp. I like that. So yeah, I was waiting for a moment just like this to arrive. If I would have told Fiadhaich what I was doing there was no guarantee he wouldn’t try to use me as a ransom. If I tried to subtly drop hints there was the chance he’d see through my deception. If I left a note he might take it as a joke or as a lie. To be honest I was at my wits end as to what to do until....”

I nodded.

“Gerhman and I walked in.”

“Mhm. You’ve got it. I just had to make sure you guys got captured, but also inform Scorcher of your plans.”

Gerhman interjected.

“But why tell him? You knew the guards would be coming! Why not wait for them to show up!?”

“And get caught in the crossfire? Not happening. It’s safest for me to let you guys kill Scorcher while I lead the rest to your town.”

I crossed my arms and said,

“Where you’ll have amnesty as a part of our bargain.”

She nodded.

“After that it’s only a matter of disappearing.”

“Why not just ‘disappear’ now? If you’re so confident in your skill why say that Scorcher would come after you?”

She scowled.

“Let’s just say he has some dirt on me that gives him a certain... advantage over me.”

I smirked.

“Who is it?”

She blinked in surprise before a wide smile cracked her face.

“Wow, color me impressed. If I wasn’t certain you’d try to turn on me I’d offer to take you along as my partner. You’re sharper than you look.”

Well I have read a whole lot of mystery novels in my time, but she didn’t need to know that. Excuse time!

“It was simple deduction. You’re confident you can vanish without a trace. So that means you don’t fear that Scorcher will harm you, but rather that he’s going to hurt somebody you care about. Somebody you wish he hadn’t discovered existed. As such, you want us to kill him so you can make a clean break.”

She nodded.

“Pretty much. So do we have a deal?”

I looked back at Einheria.

“I’m leaving this choice up to you. It affects all of you more than it affects me.”

She nodded her gratitude before growing thoughtful. She signed and her interpreter said,

“She wants to know how we’re supposed to trust that you aren’t just going to betray us.”

The spy sniffed.

“I already told you.”

“She wants more concrete assurance. She doesn’t find you trustworthy in the slightest.”

I nodded my head and added,

“To be honest, good call on her part. Anyway, how about this. You give us collateral that we will hold until you fulfill your end of the bargain?”

Spy raised an eyebrow.

“Such as?”

I looked her over for something that might work. There was a slight gleam and I saw it. Hidden away in her neck/chest feathers was a golden chain and at the end was an oval locket.

“A trinket of some sort. Something you would want back. For instance... that necklace?”

She flinched back and held a claw over the barely visible gold pendant around her neck. What!? It was so shiny I’m surprised nobody else noticed it!

She growled,

“Keen eye you’ve got there. I’ve heard dragons could spot gold a mile away but I didn’t think it was true.”

Einheria quickly responded.

“You either give us the necklace or no deal.”

The spy grit her teeth (Wait?! Teeth!? I literally just noticed that griffins have teeth in their beaks! That is so weird!) and growled,

“There really is no need for this. I have no intention of betraying you to that pig Scorcher.”

Einheria’s translator responded,

“She says that you must take her for a fool if you think she’s going to trust you.”

“In that case... why don’t I find something else you can—“

Einheria shook her head and pointed at the locket. The determined look in her eyes made it clear she would have no substitute. The female spy let out an angry, rumbling growl and hesitated before spitting,

“Fine! We don’t have time for this! But if you scratch, dent, dirty, look inside it, or do anything to it I’ll tear you limb from limb!”

I stepped forward to accept the piece of jewelry.

“You have my word. I’ll make sure that the one who holds it doesn’t do anything to it.”

She hesitantly removed the chain and handed it through the bars. As she gave it to me she grabbed my wrist and pulled me close.

“You have no idea how valuable that is to me. I am deadly serious about what I said.”

“Ditto.”

I turned to Gerhman and gave him the necklace. I don’t know if he heard a word of the entire exchange given he was practically drooling over the griffin lady.

“You heard her, guard it with your life.”

He took it with a bizarre look of reverence and carefully put it on. He held his claw over his heart and looked at the spy.

“On my honor as a bard and me dear mum’s life I’ll keep it safer than a granny watching her grand-babies egg.”

The spy moved to the guard who was beginning to stir.

“You better, peckerhead, or else.”

She pulled back her hindleg and kicked the poor bandit extremely hard between the legs. We all winced, even the ladies who have never experienced that horror before, as his groans rose about an octave and a half and he curled into a ball singing soprano. Gerhman gulped and squeaked like he’d been the one who got kicked,

“U-understood miss.”

“Good, so let’s go.”

She unlocked the cage and motioned for everyone to follow her.

“Quiet, and in a single-file line!”

We all followed her out the door and started heading to the right into a darker, less cultivated part of the system. We stopped in a small, almost pitch-black cave. Our guide pulled a rock (now shown to be fake for cover) and revealed a hole big enough for us to crawl through. She turned to me and Einheria and said.

“Alright, so I’m assuming dragon boy is going to take care of Scorcher? I’ll escort everyone to a safe, hidden place where I’ll wait for your safe return after you’ve taken care of everything. You’ll find Scorcher in the farthest back cave to the right. If you stick to the far right wall you should encounter minimal guards at most. Everyone should be asleep so it shouldn’t take you too long.

I nodded before Einheria shook her head and pointed to herself. I turned to the scarred griffin and whispered,

“What do you mean!? You have to get your people back to town. I can manage... I think.”

She shook her head and gave me a defiant look.

“Well who’s going to lead your people?”

She pointed to her translator.

“Okay, I’ll give you that. But what are you going to use to—“

She showed me a sabre she had taken from somewhere.

“You ever use that?”

She nodded and inclined her head to me. I summoned my knife behind my back and showed it to her. She then held up two fingers and pointed to us both.

“Wait... huh? Oh, ooooooh! Okay. We’ll do it together!”

She nodded. Gerhman chimed in.

“What about me?”

“Go with the others.”

“But I—“

“Do you know how to fight?”

“...No.”

“Then go with the others and keep that locket safe.”

He sighed,

“Aye, I’ll do that. Best of luck to you.”

“And to you. Oh, and....”

I grabbed his head and looked him in the eyes.

“Head in the game. Stop staring at whatever-her-name-is and don’t lose that locket.”

He nodded and the spy growled,

“Can we go now?!”

I looked to Einheria and she nodded.

“Yeah, see you in a bit.”

We slowly slunk through the tunnels as the others left. We kept the right hand wall by us and followed it through dimly light cave after dimly light cave. Before long we emerged in a room barely illuminated by a single candle. In a large bed in the center was a softly breathing lump and hanging on the coat rack was my coat (which I immediately reclaimed.)

“Alright, let’s do it. Shall I stab him or shall you?”

She gave me a determined look and brandished her sword. I mock-courteously stood aside.

“After you then.”

She nodded and crept slowly towards the bed. There was barely a sound before she clamped her claw over his mouth and drove her blade deep into his chest. The griffin thrashed as scarlet blood soaked the sheets. Einheria drove her sword further down as his struggling slowed down before he stopped moving. I joined her and looked down at the still body. I wasn’t particularly squeamish but the blood was making me feel a bit sick. I took a shaky breath and whispered,

“Alright, let’s—“

*bzzz*

Without hesitation I threw myself onto Einheria and shoved us behind cover. I was just in time as a bolt of electricity exploded right where we’d been.

“Damn, I’d hoped you wouldn’t hear that.”

We both peaked out to see Scorcher accompanied by four bandits. His claw was raised and yellow lightning crackled from his fingers, causing his ring to gleam.

“How in the—“

“—Hades am I using magic? That’s a secret. But it is the reason why I got my name. Now then, I don’t know how you escaped or why you chose to try to kill me rather than run, but it doesn’t really matter.”

Einheria scowled and I asked,

“And why’s that?”

He gave us a wicked grin and the lightning grew in power.

“Cause you won’t be leaving here alive.”

Author's Note

This would have been ready sooner but I’m kinda lazy. Sorry.

Encounter

(Gore warning)

I turned to my companion as we ducked behind cover and whispered,

“What do we do? We’re outnumbered and they have magic?” (Okay, yes I had magic too, but that was my ace-in-the-hole so I try not to open with it.)

Einheria narrowed her eyes and signed something. I shook my head.

“I’m going to assume you said something about not giving up without a fight?”

She shrugged and flopped her claw from side to side.

“Alright, that works. But we need some sort of plan at least. Ideas?”

She signed something that ended with something like jazz hands followed by her punching her fist into her palm.

“I’m assuming that meant something like distraction?”

Once again she nodded.

“Alright, I’ll buy you some time while you do... whatever. Just please... do whatever you’re doing fast.”

She nodded and I slowly peaked out from behind the wooden dresser we’d been hiding behind. There, waiting with smug looks, were Scorcher and his lackeys. He scoffed and said,

“Ready to get this over with? I haven’t got all day.”

Alright, stalling. I can stall for a while. Just get him monologuing about how unjust the world is or whatever.

“Well I just want to know something.”

He shrugged and I continued.

“Why do all this? What’s your motive?”

“Uh... money. I want lots of money. And this is the fastest way to get it.”

“Surely there are better alternatives than crime?”

“No, not really.”

“Well—“

Scorcher raised his claw.

“Yeah, uhhh, I don’t really know what you’re trying to accomplish by stalling, but no. It’s not going to work.”

Changing tactics then. I pointed at him and over-dramatically called out,

“Well then why don’t you call off your goons and fight me one-on-one like a man!”

“No way. Even the best fighter can lose to a novice who gets lucky. That’s why you always bring more people than your opponents.”

Scratch that one, time to just be immature.

“COWARD!”

He shrugged.

“I guess. I’d rather be a coward than dead.”

“PANSEY!”

“Wha—“

“SCRUB!”

“I don’t—“

“GET ON MY LEVEL!”

“Now that doesn’t—“

“YOU HAVE BABY HANDS!”

“Huh?”

“DO YOU EVEN LIFT?!”

“Well I—“

“FAG!”

“Now that’s just—“

“GO EAT SOME BIRDSEED UGLY!”

“HEY!”

“YOU SMELL LIKE A WOMAN!”

“YOU LOOK LIKE A SCARECROW!”

“I’VE SEEN RABBITS BIGGER THAN YOU!”

“I’VE EATEN GUYS BIGGER THAN YOU FOR BREAKFAST!”

“TOOL!”

“WANKER!”

“NOOB!”

“TOSSPOT!”

I drew myself up as all Scorcher’s goons watched the verbal back and forth. Now was time for the big finisher.

“YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMPSTER! AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES!”

The four bandits “ooooooh”ed as Scorcher stared at me, slackjawed. He cracked his knuckles and said,

“I’m going to kill you for that!”

“You couldn’t kill yoursef, let alone me!”

“SCREW YOU!”

“You wish!”

His cronies snickered behind their claws. Scorcher seethed.

“I’m going to beat you within an inch of your life!”

“You probably do the same to your willy every night.”

“You’re playing a dangerous game, dragon! I eat little turds like you for breakfast!”

The biggest and dumbest of his cronies snickered and I said,

“You eat turds for breakfast?!”

“STOP TWISTING MY WORDS INTO INSULTS!”

He turned to his bodyguards and screamed,

“AND YOU LOT! STOP LAUGHING AND KILL HIM BEFORE I ZAP YOU TO ASH!!”

The bandits immediately turned on me with a look of both fear and vicious bloodthirst. Fortunately, it was now that Einheria made her move. As I’d been distracting the bandits, she’d crept from shadow to shadow, getting as close as possible. Now, she lept into action, intercepting the four griffins with a flash of steel.

Fast as a striking snake, she danced through them, her sabre glittering, scarlet ribbons flying with each sweep, faint “schlik-schling, schlik-schling”s filling the air with each graceful step of her paws. In a matter of seconds she was standing on the other side of the group, posed like a dancer after her performance. With a soft “thunk” the four bandits toppled to the floor.

With a growl Scorcher lept onto a table near me and raised his clawed hand, his gaze fixed on Einheria. There was a glow from his ring and lightning began to accumulate in his claw. Time slowed as my mind raced, adrenaline coursing through my veins.

That glow. His ring. That has to be it. So if I get that ring away from him. Yeah. But how. Wait, I’m a dragon. I’ll just Gollum this fool.

Before he could cast his spell I grabbed his claw and pulled him towards me. Time slowed to a crawl as he turned his head in surprise. His eyes widened as I opened my mouth and bit down on his middle claw. There was a sickening crunch and coppery blood coated my tongue. Scorcher shrieked in pain as I spit out his amputated digit before pulling the ring off it and reflexively tucking it into my pocket.

He toppled off the table and crawled towards the door, cradling his maimed hand. He took a breath and screamed,

“YOU LOT! GET YOUR USELESS ARSES IN HERE AND KILL THESE PUNKS!”

There was a rush of footsteps and slowly bandits rushed into the cave. For her part, Einheria was a tornado of steel and blood as she slashed, stabbed, and whirled about the place. As for me, well, I don’t fully remember much but I clearly recall having my knife torn from me within the first few seconds. However, some sort of dragon instincts kicked in and I whirled, claws raking, jaws snapping, and flames blossoming from my maw. Whoever didn’t get clawed or bitten was set ablaze or blinded by my fire. I hadn’t managed to kill anyone yet, but I had wounded quite a few. The bandits drew back and began harrying me with spears as one of them called out.

“Crossbows! Turn them into pincushions!”

I growled as the blades of their spears pricked my arms and shoulders. Without my noticing my coat had morphed into a thick, padded vest that was doing a good job of protecting my vitals. As for the rest of me, my scales were stopping any major wounds, but I still had accumulated a collection of gashes and cuts where the blades had hit between my tough natural armor.

I breathed in as deeply as I could and sent a roaring inferno tearing through the bandits. They all swore and began beating at the flames. I roared as someone threw their spear and it buried itself deep in my side.

Out of my peripheral vision I saw at least half a dozen bandits with crossbows line up and take aim for Einheria. She was already hard-pressed just to fend off her multiple opponents and was bleeding from a gash on her flank. Overall she was actually doing better than I was given she didn’t have any protection. With another gout of flame I charged through my opponents and covered the griffiness with my body. There was a chorus of loud “twang”s and pain exploded all over my back as the bolts embedded themselves deeply in my flesh.

There was a chorus of screams and thuds and I twisted on my heel before collapsing to my knees. Through bleary eyes I saw a vague silhouette brandishing a long straightsword decapitate three bandits at once. I felt Einheria grab my shoulder as the bipedal figure made short work of the remaining bandits until only Scorcher was left. He was using his maimed hand to cover the stump that had once been his left hindleg as he stared up at the newcomer. He croaked, blood trickling from his beak.

“No! This... this can’t be the end! I... I am Scorcher! I am the scourge of Gaisgeil! Of the whole Gryphonian Empire!”

The swordsman scoffed and twirled his sword in a tight circle by his side before raising it diagonally to his side.

“No, you’re dead is what you are.”

His blade cut a crescent-shaped sheen through the air and Scorcher ceased to be. I collapsed as he strode towards us, and I knew no more.

Author's Note

Special thanks to Falconstrings for getting me off my lazy butt and hurrying this along. Also, fun fact! The sensation of time slowing down is actually caused by your brain noticing more details. Apparently you can train your brain to do that, but I don’t know how.

Awakening

“Yo dude, wusssahp!”

I was sitting on a bench in the middle of the park. Which was weird because I never went to the park. Mainly because people liked to do drugs in the cover of the trees. Beside me was the douchiest douchbag I’d ever seen. He was wearing two fluorescent polo shirts with the collar popped on the inner one, which was bright neon green. The outer one was highlighter pink. He was wearing oversized douchy sunglasses, cargo shorts with a red and purple plaid print, bright white hightops tht were unlaced, glowing yellow knee high socks, and not one, not two, but three baseball caps with the brims pointed different directions and each being a different color.

“I said, wassahhp, dude. “

“Uh....”

He pulled out a vape pen and took a hit before breathing out a cloud of cotton candy scented lies. (Friggin hate those things because of that. Think there’s sweets nearby? Nope, just somebody vaping.)

Once he had finished he rolled his head to look at me from behind his shades and did that weird hand thing douchebags do (you know the one).

“What’s good bro.”

“I’m sorry, are you talking to me?”

He snorted and laughed the most irritating laugh I’ve ever heard before replying.

“Course I am dude. I’m here fir a reason, yaknow?”

“No... I don’t.”

He adjusted his hats and said,

“I’m here to give you some advice, my dude.”

“I feel like I don’t want your advice.”

“Everyone wants The Chad’s advice because everyone wants to be The Chad.”

He lowered his sunglasses and said,

“I’m The Chad if you were wondering.”

“I wasn’t, I assure you.”

“Well it’s time for my advice broski. First off, if you’re getting a tat, make sure it’s meaningful. I mean....”

He rolled up the sleeves over his right arm and showed off a tribal tatoo.

“I got this after I won the second annual burger eating contest. So it’s pretty important to me.”

“What does it mean?”

He shrugged,

“No clue. But anyway, my next bit of advice—“

“That I didn’t ask for.”

“—is that the past will make the future clear, yknaw?”

“....Did you get that off a fortune cookie?”

He shrugged and looked over at a group of people riding around on unicycles. Suddenly he spoke,

“You moron.”

“Excuse me?”

“Why are you always getting yourself hurt and then bloody fainting!”

“I do not!”

“Gyaaaaah... stupid, stupid, stupid!”

“You call me that one more time and you’re getting it.”

He turned to me.

“C’mon you bastard. Wake up!”

I rubbed my hands together.

“Well, I warned you.”

I cocked my arm back as he said,

“If you don’t stop hurting yourself like this I’m gonna do somethin’ drastic, you ass.”

And with that I let fly and clocked him right on the jaw.

——————————

There were gasped as I jolted awake, my arm still raised. One of the griffins I saw looked at the floor and said,

“Oi! I think he heard ya!”

There was a groan and Gerhman shakily raised himself off the floor. He rubbed his jaw and croaked,

“Bloody hell mate! That freakin’ hurt! For such a little guy you sure can throw a punch.”

A nurse snickered,

“Or maybah yoor just a lil’ bi—“

“Nurse! Be professional!”

The nurse was cowed by the doctor(?)’s fierce glare. He then turned to me and said,

“Any discomfort? Bleedin’? Numbness? Memory loss? Ah dunnoo, anythin’?”

I groaned as I tried to raise myself and various spots along my body twinged with pain. An older nurse shoved me back down and said,

“I duhnay think ya should try gittin’ up, dearie. Yoor back got messed up somethin’ bad.”

I relented and groaned. After a few seconds I asked,

“Will there be any permanent damage?”

The doctor scoffed,

“If’n yah were a griffin yoo’d be dead. Yer scales stopped any lethal injury, but yoo still got quite a few nasty holes in ya. Fortunately none were too deep, but still, try ta avoid movin’ the old back for a while. You should be fine in a jiffy. Although, yoo seriously need mineral supplements. Yer scales are beginin ta get soft.”

“Yeah, I know. I just don’t know where to get more gems to eat.”

He laughed and the rest of the medical staff joined in. After a bit he wiped a tear from his eye and stared at my nonplussed face.

“Yoo serious?”

“Is there something I’m missing? Do gems grow on trees here?”

“No! Just eat a rock you numpty! It won’t taste as good as a gem, but it will still give yoo some minerals.”

I blinked at him before smacking myself up the head, causing a throb of pain to spread throughout me.

“Of course you moron! Why didn’t I think of that! If I can bite through a freakin’ jewel I can obviously eat a rock! Stupid!”

“Aw don go beatin yerself up. Tha only reason I know is because I’ve treated a few dragons in my time. Pshaw, many o’ them dinay even know they could either... okay, that’s a lie. Anyways, I’ll leave you to get some rest. I’ll have a nurse bring you some minerals with ya dinner.”

He then turned to the nurses and Gerhman and began herding them out.

“Away with ya now! Let the laddie get some sleep.”

I drew a breath and slowly let it back out. Hanging beside my bed was my coat. I lifted it off the hook and began absently feeling for holes as I examined my room. It was typical hospital style furnishings... for some kinda weird medieval theme park or something. The walls were stone, the floor was stone, everything but the bed and tables was stone. There was a single window beside the bed that looked out over a familiar river.

*ting*

I froze as my finger struck metal. I carefully felt around the pocket of my coat and drew out a ring of some yellowish metal. There were runes inscribed around it with a bizarre sigil embossed on the widened face. Small bloodstains dotted the surface.

Oh... Scorcher’s ring. I forgot I had pocketed this. I turned it over in my hands before licking my finger and cleaning it off. Once it was stain free I held it up to the light.

“There, good as new.”

I admired its sheen a few moments more before carefully sliding it onto my middle finger.

I yelped as I was thrown harshly on the damp cave floor. Looking up at the cave ceiling, illuminated by firelight, my tormentor’s face swam into view. I flung up a claw to shield myself from the blows, my manacles glinting cruelly in the scarlet glow. Harsh laughter arose from the crowd of onlookers.

“Please! Stop! I’m sorry!”

A shadow fell over me as my owner advanced, teeth grit in rage.

“You littl’ rat! You burned my food! Teach you to ruin my dinnah I will! You’ll have nothing to eat for a week!”

“No! No-o-o! I’m sorry! It won’t happen agai-EAAAH!”

Pain exploded through me as he grabbed me by the neck and smashed me into a wall.

“Like ‘ell it’ll ‘appen again! Ifn ya do somefink like this ever again I’ll roast you over a fire meself!”

One onlooker crowed,

“Don’t let ‘im off easy! Give’m a taste ahve a hot poker!”

I desperately shook my head as he grinned wickedly.

“You know wut, that’s exactly what I’ll do. Ludo, get an iron nice and toasty for the sod.”

A particular nasty griffin with tattoos all over moved one of the crude rods of metal into the center of the fire as my owner squeezed harder.

“Listen up you mangy littl’ rabbit! No slave of mine is gonna run about the place mucking everything up and doin’ as he pleases. No, you’re gonna do what you’re told... AREN’T YA!”

I desperately nodded as I gasped for air.

“Please... I’m... sorry! Won’t... happen... again!”

The band of griffins howled with laughter as I was slammed onto the floor and rough claws spread my limbs out, leaving my stomach exposed. I squirmed and cried, begging for mercy.

“Please no! It was an accident! I didn’t mean to! Please, Mister Draveth! I’ll—“

*SMACK*

“DON’T YOU DARE CALL ME BY MY NAME YOU WORM! YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO CALL ME MASTER! YOU DON’T GET TO TALK TO ME LIKE WE’RE EQUALS! THERE’S A REASON YOU HAVE NO NAME! BECAUSE YOU’RE NOTHING!”

Tears rolled from my face as I redoubled my vain attempts at escape. Looking over, I saw Ludo gripping the poker and carrying it over. As the tool, now a bright orange in color, grew nearer I screamed.

“PLEASE! HELP ME! PLEASE! HELP! HELP! HEL—“

*KSSSSSSSSSSS*

I lurched as I yanked the ring off my finger. Gasping, I felt my stomach. Looking down I saw no new marks whatsoever. But I could have sworn that a hot piece of metal had just seared my flesh. I looked down at the ring and shuddered.

“What... the actual heck was that.”

I rotated it a bit before slipping it back into my jacket pocket and placing the garb on my bedside table. I had just settled back against my pillow when the old nurse from before entered carrying a tray of food. She moved my coat and deposited the tray on the table before asking,

“Anythin’ I can do for you dearie?”

I awkwardly twiddled my thumbs before saying,

“Yeah... uh... can you help me up. I... need to go to the bathroom.”

She nodded and we began the arduous task of moving me from my bed to the bathroom. The main difficulty came from trying not to aggravate my injuries. I mean, you try getting out of bed without once bending your back. Eventually we managed to get myself into a wheelchair and to a door. The lady said,

“It’s right through there. Just yell ifn ya need help and I’ll be there in a jiffy.”

I nodded.

“Will do. Thanks.”

As the door closed I sighed before awkwardly looking down towards my nether regions. You see... this was part of the transformation that I still wasn’t... comfortable with. The main thing was the fact that all my... bits were, like, inside. Whenever anything needed using it just kinda... emerged. It was freakin weird and I didn’t like it. Same with my new... equipment. Take my word for it, dragons have some weird stuff going on downstairs. I’m not going into details, but it definitely wasn’t human.

I finished up and washed my hands before opening the door and gingerly getting back into my wheelchair. Before long I was back in bed with my food on my lap. I gulped and picked up my spoon.

“Let’s hope hospital food isn’t as awful here as it is back home.”

Author's Note

My bad. I was binge watching My Hero Academia in preparation for the release of season 3. No regrets.

Honor and Glory

The worst thing about winding up in the hospital is probably how it wrecks your sleep schedule. Just trust me on this. I’m willing to bet the weird sleeping times earlier are to blame for my being awake now... at like two in the morning.... I’m not being overdramatic. So now I was absent-mindedly pacing the floor while singing under my breath.

“There lived a man on Walkden street, a gentle Irishman, mighty odd. He sang a brogue so rich and sweet. And in all weather he carried the hod. Tim had a sort of a ti-*mumble* in his way for the love of the liquor he was born. It helped him on his work each day, with a drop of the *grumble* every morn!”

“Hop a la do and thence do ye part and round the world ye trudders shake! Isn’t it the truth I tell ya, lots of fun at Finnigan’s wake!”

*Swoosh.*

I spun on my heel to face the griffin at my door. She was obviously a nurse but not one I’d seen before given she had red feathers. She growled,

“Could ya stop!”

“The singing? I thought I was being quiet!”

“Not the singing you codger! The thumpin’ around! Go back to sleep.”

“I can’t!”

She picked up one of the apples from the fruit bowl I’d been given.

“You either go to sleep, or....”

She crushed the apple with one hand.

“I knock ya lights out!”

I closed my mouth and nodded vigorously before carefully making my way back to bed. She nodded.

“Good.... Sleep tight!”

And with that she was gone. I waited to be sure she was gone before shuddering.

“Why are griffin women so aggressive?”

(The next morning)

You know those mornings where you wake up feeling refreshed and relaxed as you watch the sunrise through your window as a chorus of birds sing softly their exuberance over the start of a new day? Me neither. Instead here’s how mine went.

*eye creaks open*

*pterodactile screach of a yawn*

*lip smacking as I try to become semi-cognatively active*

*SLAM*

“Hey wake the f*** up you got stuff to do.”

*SLAM!*

So one mini heart attack later I was carefully rising from my bed. Again, not easy. Once I was standing I put on my coat (I still wasn’t comfortable walking around butt naked) and trudged to the door. It slammed open again and the same delightful nurse as last night and before was there.

“Good, follow me.”

“Where are we—“

“Shut up and follow me.”

I sighed and trudged after her. After a couple turns we reached what must be the main lobby. There waiting was a griffin in uniform. To be honest describing it is difficult so just... picture those coats revolutionary war era soldiers wore crossed with Fullmetal Alchemist army uniforms. It was something like that and a deep blue in color. The griffin nodded his head (I think I’m getting better at determining the genders now) and said,

“Thank ya, Grellod. It’s wonderful ta see ya on sooch a fine day, mah bonny lass.”

The nurse blushed and hid a smirk.

“Shut your beak, Dunsted, or I’ll shut it for you.”

“Ah’d like that very much.”

She couldn’t help but smile at that and gave him a quick kiss. He grinned and asked,

“Koomin’ to tha festival taday?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for all the paid leave in the world.”

She turned to me.

“Alright, beat it you scaly sack of sh—“

“Grellod....”

He raised an eyebrow and rubbed two of his claws together. She sighed.

“You wonderful and pleasant individual with feelings of their own who I respect and appreciate for their individuality.”

“Thas better. Besides, this bloke here’s tha ‘yoo-kno-what.’”

“Yeah, yeah. Just go before I have to smack the sh... crap out of you.”

He grinned.

“Love ya, babe.”

She turned and stalked away before grumbling,

“I love you too, you oversized buffoon.”

Once she was gone the griffin threw a smart salute and addressed me.

“Gamoernin’ to ya, sir. How’d ya sleep?”

“Eh, not bad but not great.”

“Well thas better than nothin. Anyway, I’m here ta escort ya to Jarl Fiadhaich’s place. So unless ya need a potty break or something, let’s hit the road.”

I nodded and we set off. As we navigated the streets I noticed just how empty they were. Although there were more decorations out now.

“Uhhh... hey, um....”

“Dunsted.”

“Dunsted, where is everyone? Also, what time is it?”

“It’s mid-morning, and as for yoor other question, you’ll see.”

I crossed my arms and grumbled,

“That’s reassuring.”

“Relax, you’ll love this.”

“Also not reassuring.”

He grinned and continued walking. It wasn’t long before we entered an alleyway that lead to a large, open-air courtyard that lay before the Jarl’s house. Whereas it had probably been relatively empty before, rows upon rows of tables filled the cobblestone sections and lights hung from the trees growing in the grassy patches.

Griffins, ponies, hippogriffs and other such beings filled the space and spilled out into the surrounding streets. Dunsted tapped my arm and beckoned for me to follow him. As I passed people broke into excited whispers and stared at me.

As we wound our way through the crowd we drew closer and closer to a raised table at the far end of the yard. Standing before it was Jarl Fiadhaich talking to a tall dragon with a longsword sheathed in his belt. Standing beside him was the heavily scarred Einheria. They looked over as Dunsted stood at attention and saluted.

“Jarl Fiadhaich, sir. Ah brought him like you asked.”

Fiadhaich nodded and spoke in his unusually hight voice.

“Ya have mah thanks. Yoor dismissed.”

With a nod Dunsted turned and vanished into the crowd. The three imposing talkers all fixed their eyes on me as Fiadhaich smiled and clapped me on the shoulder.

“Just the dragon ah was hoppin’ tah see. How’re ya doin, mate?”

I shrugged and immediately regretted it. I winced and said,

“I’ve been better.”

“Well ah just want to thank you for all yuh’ve done. Einheria here was just tellin’ me aboot it all, and I have something I want to say.”

Fiadhaich then cleared his throat and climbed onto the dais, dragging me behind him. He raised his head and shouted,

“Citizens of Halvstead! I would like tah take a moment so we can honor the one who made this joyous occasion possible. Standing beside me,” he gestured at me and I nervously waved at the crowd. “Is the brave outsider who risked his own skin to rescue our friends and family. People he dinay even know. And for that, I thank him.”

There were excited cheers and whistles from the onlookers as he shook my hand. He held up a claw and silence returned to the crowd.

“I also wish to do something else. Not only did he help the town, but he helped me personally. If it weren’t for him, I might have ne’re seen my beloved Einheria again. So for that, I embrace him as my kinsman. May friendship and honor flourish between us and our blood forevermore!”

He grabbed me and pulled me into a backbreaking hug. This was made slightly uncomfortable due to his hight and size which caused him to pretty much just smash my face into his (totally massive and rock-hard) pecks. There was raucous applause and cheers as he pulled away and raised my hand in his.

“LET THE FEASTING COMMENCE!”

We stepped down (me very woozily) and Fiadhaich threw his arm around my shoulder.

“Anythin’ you need, I’ll do my best tah help ya. Ya hear?”

I staggered slightly before Einheria propped me up.

“Dear mercy, you’re like some kinda meat mountain! I think you cracked my ribs!”

He guffawed as Einheria’s shoulders shook with silent laughter. I caught my breath before pointing to the two griffins.

“So you two... she’s your wife?”

He drew her close and gazed down on her affectionately.

“Aye, that she is. She’s my lovely little sgiathan.”

“...Your what?”

He waved his claw.

“Shieldmaiden. She’s the first griffin tah ever best me in combat. It was love at first sight.”

I laughed.

“I can see that. She’s a total badass.”

The smile fell from his face.

“What. Did. You. Say.”

I froze, a cold pit forming in my stomach.

“That... that she was a b-badass.”

“And....”

He cracked his neck menacingly.

“—pray tell what that means.”

I put my hands up in a placating gesture.

“It means like, awesome or cool. At least, where I’m from it does!”

He froze and thought for a bit before smiling.

“Yeah... I like that.”

He wheeled around and bellowed.

“MY WIFE IS BADASS! THAT MEANS SHE’S AWESOME!”

Cheers erupted followed by the clinking of cups.

“BADASS! BADASS! BADASS!”

He laughed and gestured for me to follow.

“Come, let’s not stand about while everyone else eats.”

I followed them until there was a loud *ahem!*

We all jumped and turned to face the dragon from before. Despite him being a head taller than the Jarl, somehow he had gone unnoticed. Fiadhaich sighed and said,

“Ah forgot you were here. What do you need?”

The dragon scowled and straightened his black military jacket. He was a very beefy dragon with purple scales and red eyes, so needless to say I was quailing under his glare. He spoke with a quiet, gruff voice.

“As I was saying, I’m still here because of him.”

He pointed at me.

“I looked into it and he’s here illegally.”

Fiadhaich looked at me with confusion.

“Yah don’t have any papers?”

I slowly shook my head before shrugging.

“In my defense it never even crossed my mind. Gerhman never mentioned it.”

Fiadhaich looked past me and huffed.

“Speak of the devil.... OI! BARD! GET OVER HERE!”

There was a scramble of paws and Gerhman skid to a halt before the Jarl.

“You ra— SWEET SKORVAR!”

He jumped when he saw the dragon. Before he could talk Fiadhaich huffed.

“Why would you bring Cain here illegally?”

Gerhman blinked in confusion before dawning comprehension bloomed across his face.

“Oh, Odin.... So that’s what I was forgetting. That... that’s my bad.”

I crossed my arms.

“Yeah, definitely your bad.”

Fiadhaich turned to the dragon.

“Can’t I give him a pardon or something?”

He shook his head.

“It’s in King Cróga’s hands now. I’ll tell him everything and we’ll see what he says. Good day to you all.”

He inclined his head to each of us before leaping into the sky. Fiadhaich ran a claw over his face and sighed wearily as Einheria rubbed his shoulder. Meanwhile Gerhman was trying not to be seen as hard as he could. I coughed and asked,

“So... who was the ray of sunshine?”

Fiadhaich sighed,

“That... was Naegling, the King’s right hand. He’s His Majesty’s bodyguard and personal warrior. Don’t worry. He might seem harsh but he’ll present your case fairly, so don’t worry.”

“So... what does that mean, the whole ‘being here illegally’ thing?”

He shrugged.

“It’s no big deal. It pretty much means you’re not allowed to leave Halvstead until this all gets sorted out.”

I huffed,

“Thanks Mr. Dragon dude.”

“You should be grateful to him. In fact, he’s the one who came to the rescue of you and Einheria.”

I briefly remembered the silhouette with the longsword that had eviscerated the bandits and shuddered.

“Glad he wasn’t fighting against me. So... King’s right hand, huh? There’s bound to be some stories about him.”

Fiadhaich shrugged.

“Ask your friend about it later. I’m sure he’ll tell you all about him. Anyway, let’s get back to business. More importantly, the feast.”

He beckoned once again and our group moved to the table. He pointed to the chair right next to his and motioned for me to sit. Einheria moved to the chair beside me and Gerhman sat to his left beside the griffin I’d seen with Fiadhaich when we first met. Presumably some kinda general or something. I looked from my chair to Einheria’s before tapping her shoulder.

“Do you wanna swap seats with me so you can sit with your husband?”

Einheria looked stunned and made an obviously disbelieving gesture. I nodded.

“Seriously. Take my seat. You two lovebirds have been separated for days. You should sit together.”

She stared at me and a tear welled in her eye before she blinked it away and hugged me tight about the middle. I chuckled.

“Seriously, it’s no big deal.”

“Ah don’t think you realize how big a deal it really is.”

I looked over and saw that the Jarl was looking at me, stunned. He continued.

“To sit at my right hand at a feast is the highest honor I can give. Are you really going to give that up?”

I paused before nodding.

“Yeah, I will. You two should be able to sit together.”

His expression softened and he raised his cup in a toast.

“To your health.”

I scooped up my cup and raised it as well.

“Here, here.”

We both drained our respective cups and I almost gagged. Whatever this drink was it tasted pretty funky. Kinda sweet but also a bit... spicy. Like peppers in honey mixed with... something. I grimaced but smiled and nodded to the Jarl. He gave me a thumbs up before bellowing,

“BRING OUT... THE FEAST!”

This caused even more cheers to erupt over the already boisterous chatter of the feastgoers. Cooks came streaming out of the Jarl’s house laden with trays piled high with food. I saw pies, roasts, bread, vegetable dishes, and desserts of all sizes go racing by before some was set at our table. So far I saw some kinda massive roast bird, a pot pie, a platter of mushrooms cut to look like flowers and other such plants, a whole parade of BBQ meats and sausages, and by now my head was spinning as I tried to take it all in. A server refilled my cup and I mumbled a quick thanks as I followed the example of my tablemates and began filling up my plate with anything I could get my hands on. So far I had taken a couple pieces of assorted bread, various meats and sausages, a slice of pie, and a sampling of the various potatoes offered in abundance. With all that I had barely even put a dent in the assortment of food available.

I was taking a drink of the weird beverage (which admittedly was growing on me) when Fiadhaich raised his goblet.

“And now, as is tradition on this most joyous day, we shall hear the recitation of the legend of the griffin Stoirm-Lann One-Eye and the mare Bratach Silver-Mane.”

I glanced around at the decorations as Gerhman took center stage. Sure enough the banners were emblazoned with Gaelic-style depictions of a griffin and a pony. There was a sudden silence and Gerhman began.

“Long ago, when Gaisgeil was still young, conflict raged between the griffins and the ponies that dwelt there. Both claimed the land to be theirs, and neither were willing to leave. For years skirmishes had broken out only to end in uneasy peace, but that ended with the tragedy at Caern Ford.”

“There, a young griffin named Denaer and a pony named Truncheon died under mysterious circumstances in those cold waters. Both sides blamed the other for the deaths of those two youth, and full fledged war raged across the land. The conflict seemed as though it would never end. Neither side could gain the upper hand, and neither side would surrender. It was at one of these battles that took place in the Brachenrock Mountains that Stoirm-Lann, knight of the griffins; and Bratach, the cloud walker met.”

“On the side of the mountain these two warriors fought with their siblings-in-arms until an avalanche caused by their rage swept them all into a treacherous ravine. Only two survived, Stoirm-Lann and Bratach. They awoke to find themselves lying next to eachother, trapped under a boulder. Stoirm-Lann’s wing was broken and his eye ruined; Bratach’s leg was twisted and her side bore a deep gash. They both realized that alone they would die in that Odin forsaken ravine. And so, a fragile accord was struck. They would help eachother only until they could reach safety.”

“Together they freed themselves from under the rock, and then they each helped the other to bind up their wounds. Stoirm-Lann set Bratach’s leg and stitched up her side and in turn she splinted his wing and bound his maimed eye. With the mare on his back and with her guiding them, the two enemies wearily journeyed through the mountains.”

“Night fell, and with it came biting winds of freezing cold. To sleep, exposed as they were, would be the doom of the pair, so they kept eachother awake by swapping stories. Stories of battles won, of rivers crossed, of mountains flown over, and of home. Slowly, without either realizing it, enmity became respect, and respect grew to understanding, and understanding to fondness.”

“With each story, Stoirm-Lann became infatuated with Bratach’s beauty, her free spirit, and her gentle heart. While Bratach grew fond of his courage, his strength, and with the fierce loyalty he felt to his people. They came to realize that neither was as alien as they had thought. That both bore great love for their land and their family. Indifferent shoves became gentle caresses, gruff words turned to soft encouragement, and unwilling proximity became tender closeness. Until, in the dead of night, their eyes met and, slowly, timidly, the battle-hardened knight took the warrior mare into his arms and they shared a forbidden kiss.”

“From then on their hearts were one. They traveled together about the country, sharing their story and spreading their message. That ponies and griffins could share Gaisgeil and live together on the land of their ancestors. It took many years, but slowly more and more of the former enemies let bitterness die and allowed peace to take its place. Enemies because brothers, and foes became friends.”

“And so, every year, we gather together on the day Stoirm-Lann and Bratach were wed to celebrate the unity and peace that healed this land, and to remember the mistakes of our forebears so that the country we love shall never again be rent by the torment of war. Long live Gaisgeil! And may brotherhood forever tie together all those whole dwell within her borders.”

Gerhman bowed and everyone cheered. I clapped my hands as I leaned over to Einheria and said,

“That was beautiful, freaking beautiful.”

Gerhman gestured to the top of the Jarl’s home and a large tapestry was unfurled that showed a griffin and a pony with their foreheads pressed together under two crossed swords, both of which were tied together by a rose.

“TO GAISGEIL!”

We all raised our cups and repeated the cry.

“TO GAISGEIL!”

As I drained my cup again musicians began to play and those who had eaten their fill began to dance and sing. With my head swimming oddly I staggered over to Gerhman and clapped him on the shoulder.

“That... wash real good.”

I grabbed another cup from a passing server and chugged it before hiccuping.

“Thish... whatever it is ish really weird. But it’s kinda tashty.”

“Uh... mate, that’s mead.”

“Mead? Like... alcohol mead?”

I swayed in place as he nodded.

“Uh... yeah. Cain, buddy, how much have you drank?”

I crossed my eyes and frowned.

“Welp... I think it wash like... six. My food wesh real salty.”

Gerhman turned around and began to scan the crowd.

“You stand there while I find somebody to watch you. In fact, why don’t you go sit... Cain? CAAAIIIN! Oh crap, now I gotta go track down my sloppy-ass drunk dragon friend.”

(The following morning)

My head felt like it was about to explode and I could feal my pulse in my brain. Also, my tongue felt oddly thick and hairy. At least my pillow was super soft and warm. I wrapped my arms around it and snuggled my cheek into it... and it yawned.

I felt something drop onto my back and wrap around my neck before a voice hummed,

“G’mornin.”

I cracked an eye open and slowly looked up to see that I was hugging a griffin lady with redish-brown feathers with gold highlights on the tips. I opened and closed my mouth a few times before something stirred across my back and a curtain of strawberry-scented hair the color of red-wine covered my face and something equine pressed against my neck.

“Dein Nacken ist so warm und bequem.”

I froze before croaking,

“What... the... Hell.”

Author's Note

Is it what it seems? Or no? Find out next time on DRAGON BALL Z!

Under Town-Arrest (1)

It didn’t take long for us to reach town hall. With Alice as my guide, we easily navigated the unfamiliar streets and bridges That appeared to have no rhyme or reason. To be honest, I was getting kinda nervous about the whole “being on probation/parole yet completely disappearing despite that” thing. I mean, people went to jail for that! For a pretty long time! If I’m gonna to prison I want it to be because I did something epic.

I was preparing to enter the building when I realized that Alice was still beside me.

“Uhh... you’re... coming in?”

“Oh yeah, I must have forgotten to tell you that I actually have some business in here this morning. You see, I need to make a delivery.”

I nodded.

“Cool... coolcoolcoolcoolcool. Guess you can be there when I probably get thrown in prison.”

She grinned.

“I’ll be sure to bring you an embroidered pillow to give you cell a nice, homey touch.”

I nodded and continued inside.

“That’s... reassuring.”

“Oh, and be sure to shower with your back to the wall. One of my former fuuuuuuu... fudge friends went to prison once, just... yeah. Be careful in the shower. Unless you, well, I mean some people like—“

“I’m going to cut you off there.”

Alice shut her beak and nodded.

“Yup, thanks.”

Soon we were in the main room where the Jarl was talking with some of his underlings. I nervously walked up and coughed.

“Ahem, uh... hi, Your Jarliness, how’s it going?”

He didn’t even turn to me as he said,

“Where were yoo las’ night. Ya know yoor on probation, right?”

“Yeeeeaaaah... but... it’s no big deal I kinda forgot that, that... right?”

“Ya know that skipping parole is an offense punishable by jail time, right?”

I gulped.

“Do ya have a gud excuse?”

I nervously adjusted my collar and mumbled.

“I... got really drunk?”

There was a sickening span of time where nobody spoke a word. I swear I could hear my heart beating.

“That’s valid. No need tah fret about any problems. Just check in here before sunset each day so I know ya didn’t skip town. Also, where do ya plan to sleep?”

“That’s... a good question. I’ll... figure something out.”

Alice piped up.

“You can stay wiv me still. I’d love the company!”

Finally the Jarl turned his head.

“Ah, Alice! Nice to see you this mornin’. Here for the usual delivery?”

She beamed and flashed the sachel she was carrying.

“Righty-o! Thought I’d pop by early given I had to escort the prodigal dragon over here. Is Einheria up?”

At that moment a side door open and Einheria entered, followed by....

“Gerhman?!”

The bard froze and whirled to face me.

“Cain! Oh thank the stars! I’ve been runnin’ ragged tryin to find you,mate! Where have you been?!”

Alice, however, responded before me.

“You didn’t tell me you knew good ole... uh... oh dear, I’ve forgotten his name. Mister... uh... Bardy McBardyface.”

Gerhman’s eyes flew from me to Alice and grew to the size of saucers. His jaw worked for a bit before he rasped,

“Who... who is....”

Alice grinned.

“Oops, forgot to introduce meself! I’m Alice, and Cainy-boy here slept at my place last night. Do you two, like, actually know eachother or is it just an acquaintance where you recognize eachother at your nephews birthday party because you’re dating his cousin, woops, got that backwards, he’s dating your cousin; and he’s all ‘wow I haven’t seen you since college when you sucked me off in the middle of an exam while getting off my mate wiv ya paws while Blaine....’,” she noticed several horrified looks and gulped,” Uh, oh dear, uh... I’m gonna shut up now.”

As Gerhman stood transfixed, Jarl Fiadhaich laughed.

“Just as talkative as ever, I see.”

Alice blushed before scampering over to Einheria and wrapping her in a hug.

“Einy! How nice to see you! How’s the cut? Your old wounds doing okay? How many brigands did you maim while you were being held captive? Any more than the last time?”

Einheria gave an exasperated look as she returned Alice’s hug and began to sign something. I instead focused on the Jarl.

“Last time? Do you have kidnappings a lot?”

Fiadhaich sighed.

“Thankfully, no. The bandit problem has severely lessened during the reign of King Cróga. However, my wife was a slave to a group of the scum since she was a wee chick, apparently.”

“Apparently?”

“Well, I first met her when i was simply an officer of the guard. I led a raid on the bandit stronghold and there she was, in shackles being forced to wait on their chieftain. It was love at first sight when she used her own chains to choke the life out of the bastard before she ripped his bodyguard’s throat out from behind with her own claws.”

He sighed dreamily and gazed fondly at the haggered griffin.

“I brought her back and had my best medics try to patch her up as well as they could. Unfortunately her throat was too damaged to ever heal and since then she’s been mute. But she never broke. She’s the strongest person I know and the love of my life.”

“And she’s freaking epic with a sabre too.”

He laughed.

“Aye, and that too.”

By now Alice had fished something out of her bag and had given it to Einheria. She turned back to me and chirped,

“So! You ready for me to show ya to the gym?”

I shrugged and we began to leave. Gerhman snapped out if his trance and asked,

“Wait, why are you two going to the gym?”

“So Cain can wash his coat! It’s got a bunch of funny stains and stuff. I think some might be blood. And while he’s there it wouldn’t hurt for him to do a bit of light exercise *cough*hint hint.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah yeah, I’ll do something while I’m waiting.”

Gerhman puffed out his chest and flexed an arm.

“Maybe I should accompany you lot so I can get a quick set in. You know, gotta keep my pump.”

The Jarl cleared his throat.

“Don’t you have something you’re supposed to be doing?”

Gerhman deflated and gave him a bashful look.

“Right... sorry. I’ll get right to it. See ya in a bit, Cain.”

I waved goodbye and me and Alice headed out the door. On our way to the gym she began to plan.

“Right, so what I think the best thing to do once you’re done is, you head back to town hall and do... whatever until I get off work. I’ll pick you up and we can go out for dinner! How does pizza sound?”

“Great! Sounds like a plan.”

All too soon we arrived at the gym and parted ways. Once inside I got directions from the lady at the desk and made my way back to the washing machines. I soon had figured out the controls and it was whirring away. Speaking of the washing machine, this whole word had a weird mix of tech going on. They had electric lights and indoor plumbing yet semi Colonial era weaponry and military stuff. This whole place was weird.

I left the laundromat and entered the main room of the gym. People of all species and gender were doing the machines and the reps and the... uh... sets? I don’t know gym lingo.

“Hey, you.”

I looked around before seeing a pony dude and a griffin dude standing by a machine nearby. The pony tilted his head.

“Yeah, you. You look kinda lost. First time?”

I nodded.

“You can work in with us if you want. You know, show you the ropes.”

I grimaced.

“Sure... great... this going to be... fun.”

(Later)

I staggered back to the Jarl’s house, my jacket clutched in my hand.

“Mistake *huff* huge mistake! Why my *pant* everything hurt?”

I practically collapsed into a bench outside the building and just kinda sat there... groaning in pain. I don’t know how long I was there but eventually I heard a familiar voice.

“Wotcher, Cain! How’s it goin?”

I cracked open an eye and let out an indistinct croak.

“I’ll take that as a ‘bad.’ Well, either that you just had your throat destroyed by someone’s massive... filter Alice, filter what comes out ya mouth. Anyway, ready to go eat?”

I nodded and made to rise... yet couldn’t. I coughed and groaned.

“Help me up?”

“Sure! Must be mighty soar if you haven’t worked it in a while and then overdid it. I felt the same after I tried *smack*!”

I jumped as Alice slapped herself across the beak. After her eyes stopped spinning she grinned.

“Sorry, but that was much more effective than just trying to filter myself. Anyway, I think I’ll have it delivered. Up ya pop!”

With a grunt I was hobbling after her in the direction of her house.

Author's Note

Sorry it took so long and that it’s cut in half, I’m just super unmotivated at the moment. I figured I’d wait until I got out of the slump rather than make a lackluster chapter. Hope you understand.

Under Town-Arrest (2)

It was nighttime and I was lying wide awake doing one of my new favorite activities, pondering the bizarre circumstances I had found myself in. More specifically, how freakin’ weird this whole world was. I mean, the technology was all over the place. There was a magical horse country called Equestria, for some dumb reason, which was inhabited by technicolor ponies with butt tatoo obsessions. Yet there were tons of similarities to back home, especially this Gryphon Empire place I was in. It kinda reminded me of a bunch of European countries all crammed into one except they all hate eachother a whole lot less, especially the hate towards England from Scotland (which I’m assuming was where I was... Gaisgeil or... whatever the heck this place was called.) And last but not least, was the weird blend of mythologies! I’d heard mention of Tartarus, Hel, Odin, some person called Scorvar occasionally in passing (as a swear so assuming it was some mythological being.) Just... this place was a fluster-cluck of weird and oddly similar... and I didn’t like it, not one bit.

I sighed and glanced over at the gold ring I had set on the nightstand. That same stupid ring I’d been toting around in my pocket for a couple days.

“I wonder....”

I gingerly picked it up and turned it about in my fingers. It was hard to see in the low light yet I could feel the runes and carvings that covered its surface. If I put it on, would the same thing happen as last time?

I sat there, teetering on the edge of possible indiscretion. Finally, I decided to just say “screw it” and shoved the ring on.

It was cold, very cold. Snow-laden trees stood watch on either side of the road in solemn rank and file. My paws ached from the frozen earth and the shackles around my wrists only helped to sap the warmth from my slender frame. My stomach gave a low groan and pain lanced between my ribs. I was so hungry. It had been a lean year so the scraps I was given to eat were even smaller than before.

The small town rose up before me, the high gabbled houses covered in snow looked like something out of a picture book. Not that I actually owned one. The only time I had seen a picture book was before it was thrown in a fire while my master was cleaning out his belongings to make room for new loot.

”Just... you... wait. I’ll... I’ll find a way to get out of these shackles. And then... then you’ll be sorry. All of you s-stupid bandits will be sorry.”

Why did my master have to have found these cuffs? Why did they have to be magic? Why did they have to make me obey even when I didn’t want to? It wasn’t fair. This world wasn’t fair. I had never been given a chance.

After the rest of the dreary walk I was in the town itself. People of all sorts were hurrying from store to store, picking up food and supplies as fast as possible so they could return to their warm houses. A few people looked at me. A few even gave me curious looks given how unnaturally thin I was and how I wasn’t wearing anything to protect myself from the biting cold, but I was just a strange boy. They didn’t actually care.

I soon saw my destination, the pub. They had run out of liquor and I had to go out to buy more. My owner had thrust a piece of paper into my claw and shoved me out the door.

”You know the drill, finish the task and then come roight back. No lollygagging!”

I had silently nodded before trudging away from the hideout. One day, one day I’ll be free. And once I am I’ll burn that whole place to the ground with all the bandits in it. I’ll burn them like they burn me.

A bell jingled as I entered the pub. There were only a few people seated as close to the fire as possible as they nurses their drinks. I walked to the counter and dug the scrap of paper out of my bag

”I was sent to get this.”

The barkeep read it over before scoffing.

”Yeah right, bugger off lad. I wasn’t hatched yesterday. You’ll have to try harder than that to get your claws on some booze.”

”Please! If I don’t bring this to my—“

Stupid shackles, I can’t talk about my master or being punished. The barkeep gave me a scathing look and frowned before grabbed me by the scruff of the neck. I reflexively cringed away and tried to cover my head. However, all he did was gently drag me to the side door and drop me out in the cold.

”Go home, boy, and if I catch you here again I’ll tell your mum.”

As the door shut I just sat there, feeling miserable. I had failed to get more booze for my owner. I was going to be punished. I didn’t want to go back, I wanted to run away, but already I could feel the manacles forcing me to return. Making me stand and slowly walk down the back alley and out of town. I was to return to the hideout as soon as my task was done. It was done, but in failure. I was going to be punished, or worse, I’d be forced to punish myself again.

Instead of returning to the main street of the town, I started to meander through the back alleys in the general direction of the forest. I was still heading back, but... at least it wasn’t as soon.

”Oi! You there!”

I snapped my head around to see an old griffiness peering out at me from her small house. She raised a claw and beckoned me over to her.

”Ya look frozen to ya bones, and goodness me I can see them! Come warm up by me fire and have a bite to eat.”

I wanted to, I really did. I was so cold, and so hungry. I’d been cold and hungry for as long as I could remember. But I couldn’t stop, the manacles wouldn’t let me. I could never escape them. I was told I wasn’t allowed to take them off, ever. And they made me obey. I don’t know what it was that had tipped her off, but the woman must have seen something in my eyes that alerted her to my plight. As I slowly trudged on, desperate to cry out, to stop, to do anything; she pointed a knarled cane at me and croaked a strange word,

”Kêvra!”

A familiar feeling surged through me from my wrists. Suddenly I was turning, walking back towards her. She closed the door behind me and pointed to a chair by the fire. I didn’t need to be commanded to sit. I swallowed as I tried to express the questions bouncing around my skull. How? Why? What? Why?!? Before I could, she pointed to my wrists and asked,

”What sort of vile being put those on you?!”

Immediately my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, preventing me from answering. I tried and tried to speak but only strangled chokes came out. After a few seconds she growled and brandished her cane.

”Cutuio!”

I sat there stunned as my bindings gave a faint click and fell off. I... was free. I was finally free! I couldn’t even speak I was so surprised, but the lady must have known.

”I have a feeling you’re too happy to speak, it’s okay, take your time.”

I gulped as tears filled my eyes.

”How? How did you do that!?”

She cackled and tapped her beak with a wrinkly claw.

“This world holds many secrets, child. And those who learn enough and find the right things can learn to bend reality to their will.”

I gasped as I looked at her. She was wearing a purple shawl and various beaded necklaces with carved talismans and shining hewels. Along her cane were carved inticate designs and alien symbols.

“You’re a witch.”

She grinned.

“You bet your tail I am, and I have a feeling that you want to be able to do what I just did.”

I leaned forward.

“Yes, more than anything. I want to learn magic.”

Finally, I could have the power to save myself. I could end my suffering. She cast an appraising eye over me, lingering for a while on the burns that covered my stomach and legs.

“What’s your name, youngin?”

I looked away.

“I... don’t have a name. I am a slave.”

“Not any more.”

I looked at her and saw a twinkle in her eye, as if we were both sharing a secret. I nodded before asking.

“How... how do I learn to do magic?”

“Sit down and get comfortable, this will take a short bit.”

She busied herself making tea and biscuits as I sat by the fire, basking in the warmth. My eyelids were getting heavy by the time she returned and set a tray down between us.

“Help yourself.”

I waited just long enough for her to get a cup of tea and a few biscuits before pouncing on the rest. I voraciously devoured every single one with the speed of a starved animal. I was licking my beak and settling back to sip my drink when she began.

“You’ve probably heard by now that unicorns are the only beings able to willfully harness magic. That, is a lie. Long, long ago in ages past there was a civilization that learned to harness magic in ways that many thought impossible. That civilization faded away long ago, but their works still remain. Books, jewelry, weapons, you name it. All can be found if you look in the right places. Most people don’t realize what they are and simply keep them around as keepsakes or trinkets. However, those of us who learn what they are can unlock the secrets of their function. For instance,”

She hooked her claw around one of her necklaces and held it aloft. Hanging from it was a bright blue crystal that pulsed with faint light.

“This necklace came into my possession long ago. It wasn’t until I discovered an ancient book of spells and slowly, carefully learned how to decipher them that I discovered what this crystal did. This is a piece of magicite. A rare, magical catalyst that enables its wearer to utilize the magic inside them to an almost unlimited degree. Canterlot is built on a mountain of this, yet the princesses hide it all away. Yet that isn’t the only supply in the world. And once you learn the right words and symbols, you can learn to focus your magic through a single point, like a unicorn’s horn or my cane, and channel the magic in the form of spells.”

She pointed her cane at my empty cup.

“Intríni.”

Immediately tea flew from the pot and refilled my cup. I stared at her in awe.

“Please, I want to know more.”

She smiled.

“I can only start you on your journey. You’ll have to learn more on your own. You have lived a hard life, yet I can see you have the chance to become something special. However, if you are not careful, you’ll become that which you hate most.”

I nodded, eager to get my claws on some magic. She reached into a satchel hanging by the fire and withdrew a gold ring.

“This ring belonged to a friend of mine. It is only capable of one spell and I will teach it to you before you leave. Now go, and know that I believe in you. Become something great.”

I soon left the house and returned to the hideout. My former owner and his goons were waiting inside.

“Well? Where’s the booze?”

I didn’t even look at him.

“I don’t have any. They wouldn’t give me any.”

He swore and stepped closer.

“You worthless little scum! I’ll teach you to fail me! Go to the fire so I can punish you. In fact, I fink this time it should be somewhere a bit more... sensitive.”

I didn’t move.

“Did yew ‘ear me! Go to the fire! It’s gelding time!”

“No.”

He froze.

“What... did yew say?”

I slowly turned to look at him, absolute loathing clear across my face.

“I said no you mangey whoreson!”

He stared at me in shock before his face turned red with rage.

“That’s it, I’ll be sure to be extra rough wiv ya now. You’ll regret that, slave!”

“You’re wrong.”

“EXCUSE ME!”

I pointed at him.

“My name is Scorcher, and I am a slave to no one.”

With a roar he charged forward, brand held in his claw. Only my beak moved.

“Kvista.”

If you had been walking in the woods that day, you would have seen flashes of light as bright as the sun flaring from somewhere in the woods.

My eyes snapped open and I tore the ring off. It was glowing with a faint light and hot to the touch. I was panting for breath and sweating bullets. I staggered to the bathroom and steadied myself with the sink.

“That... was Scorcher as a child! How... how am I....”

I looked down at the ring. The same ring that the witch had given him so long ago. Slowly my breathing returned to normal and I sighed.

“I feel like... that’s not the last thing this ring will show me.”

Author's Note

Good news! I think I have me mojo back! Also, LOOOOOOOOORE! Btw should I make this story absurdly long or split it into a bunch of different books. I want you guy’s opinions.

Smith-Smithity

“Oi! Bub, wakey wakey.”

I yawned and rolled over as Alice poked my arm. She huffed before walking away. I was just getting comfortable when she returned and started banging two pots together.

“*CRASH* WAKE *BANG* YOUR SCALY *CLASH* REAR *SMASH* UP!!!”

“Gyyaaaaaaaaah!”

I fell out of bed and floundered on the floor for a bit before shakily facing her.

“What the actually he—“

“Good, you’re up. Now let’s eat. It’s just cereal this morning so go make yourself a bowl.”

I nodded and she left the room. I carefully got to my feet and headed to the bathroom so I could at least wash my face. Soon I was downstairs and sitting across from a slightly peeved looking Alice. I took a bite before beginning to pry.

“So... uh... you look... mad.”

She huffed.

“All thanks to you.”

Oooookay, so this is happening. I set down my spoon and decided to bite the bullet.

“What did I do?”

“Do you really not know.”

“Nope.”

She huffed.

“Last night? Don’t think I didn’t hear you.”

Last night? Now I really don’t know what I did wrong.

“Was I snoring or something?”

She laughed.

“Oh that’s rich! Two things: first, if you’re fancying a cheeky wank, DO IT IN THE WATER CLOSET! Second, if you decide not to go to the loo for it, at least don’t lie there MOANING LIKE A TRAMP!”

“Wait, you think I did what?”

“THINK! I don’t need to think! It was bloody obvious!”

“That I....”

She rolled her eyes.

“You know, were slapping the salmon.”

I gave her a look of open-mouthed confusion.

“Wappering off? Choking the chicken? Milking the eel? Tugging the salami?”

“Are... are we speaking the same language?”

She dragged a claw across her face.

“I’m referring to you pleasuring yourself... in my damn bed... right beside me.”

And just like that, the sun rose above the clouds.

“Ooooooh, Oh I get it now! Wait, you thought I was jerking it?”

“Well duh. You were moaning and shuffling a whole bunch before you ran to the bathroom.”

“I can see how you might think that, but I was just... having a weird dream.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“Really? What about.”

“Well, I was living the past of... some guy, and he was narrating it. But he wasn’t really good at it and was really over dramatic. I then woke up and went to get some water.”

“You swear?”

I crossed my heart and held up my hand. She groaned and cupped her face in her hands.

“Oooooh, this is so embarrassing! I went and got all up in a tizzy over something that was all in my head! Oh, I’m so stupid!”

“Whoa whoa, hold up. I can definitely see how you’d think that, and I would personally be ticked if someone was jacking off while sitting beside me. It was an honest mistake, chill.”

She grimaced.

“Still embarrassing though. Especially given how rude I’ve been this morning. Dang it all, me Mum always said to look before I leap.... Ah well, I guess I just owe you an apology!”

I rolled my eyes.

“Apology accepted.”

“Righto! Now finish up, take a shower, and let’s get cracking!”

See, that’s what I like about Alice. She’s a bit capricious, but impossible to keep down for long. After we both had completed our morning rituals we set off for town hall. As we walked I decided to engage in some chitchat.

“So Alice, if it’s too inconvenient for you, you don’t have to escort me to town hall every day. I kinda know my way by now.”

She shrugged.

“Nah, it’s cool. Me shop’s on Main Street, so I walk by here anyway. It doesn’t take too much longer.”

“Huh, I’ll have to stop by sometime.”

We were silent for a bit before Alice asked.

“So... how long are you gonna be in town for?”

Well that... kinda floored me.

“Well, sheesh, I dunno. I guess until Gehman is ready to go. We’re kinda traveling together.”

She nodded.

“Makes sense. Any idea where you’re off to next?”

“Not a clue.”

“Well, I’m sure wherever it is, it’ll be lovely-jubly. Maybe you can bring me a souvenir when you pass back through! You are planning on popping by for a visit every once in a while, right?”

I scratched my head.

“I don’t see why not.”

She grinned.

“Brilliant. You know, you’re probably one of the few actual friends I have. If you hadn’t noticed, I’m a bit, how do you put it, awkward. I also kinda suck at keeping in touch. If I don’t actually see them I almost never think to talk to someone.”

“I get that.”

She jokingly bumped me.

“See, that’s why I like you. You’re real easygoing. No matter what nonsense I spout off with you always just kinda stand there. You’re a real pal, you know that?”

I batted my eyes and gave her a corney smile.

“Gee wilikers you’re makin’ me blush!”

“Oh shut up!”

It wasn’t long before we said our goodbyes and parted ways. I entered the Jarl’s abode and walked up to his big, intimidating chair... which was empty.

“Uh... hello?”

I looked around for any sign of, well, anyone. It was as dead in here as a doornail.

“Well... this is awkward.”

After waiting a bit longer I began to cautiously creep through the building. What?! It’s not like I was up to no good! I just always keep quiet when in a seemingly empty building. Helps you avoid getting startled by random encounters with people who hear you coming.

I eventually saw an open door off a side hallway and peeked inside. Sure enough, there was his Jarlyness sitting in an armchair reading a newspaper in a fluffy pink bathrobe with matching bunny slippers. He reached over to his nightstand and picked up a fancy teacup which he daintily sipped. He sighed and replaced it before chuckling.

“Oh, Granny Goshawk, you scamp. Putting geometric panels with a floral border?! What next, a quilt with buttons? Only you could pull that o—“

Our eyes met. It was awkward.

“Uh... hello there... Jarl.”

He was still frozen in shock. I let my gaze wander around the room. There was a large basket of sewing supplies and various quilts, aprons, and other things were hanging around in various states of completion. I gulped.

“Sooooo, you like sewing?”

“Please don’t tell anyone.”

I raised my palm in a placating gesture.

“It’s cool, I took home ec. I like baking and stuff like that. No need to justify yourself to me.”

He nodded while still looking troubled. I waited a bit before continuing.

“So, anything I need to do?”

He coughed.

“Yes, I was wondering if yoo were planning to continue traveling with Gerhman once this whole cockamamie with ya papers is sorted.”

I nodded.

“That’s the plan. Why do you ask?”

“Just checking. Also, I figured I’d help out and fix ya up with a proper weapon.”

“I have a weapon.”

“Other than a knife?”

I bit my lip. Technically I did but I just couldn’t actually wield it.

“That’s what I thought. Take this—“ He handed me a scroll. “To the blacksmith on the main thoroughfare. He’ll fix ya up.”

I gestured with the scroll.

“Thanks.”

He nodded and walked away. I stopped and poked my head through the door.

“And Jarl.”

He raised an eyebrow. I pointed to the blanket beside the sewing basket.

“Your blanket’s awesome. Guy power!”

He lifted his paper and grumbled to hide his embarrassment.

(Later at the blacksmiiiiiiiiiith)

It wasn’t exactly hard to find. If the fire and anvil weren’t enough to clue you in the sounds and weapons definitely would. I entered the semi-building forge area and waited patiently as the massive, burly minotaur hammered away at a bar of glowing metal. He quenched it and his head turned in my direction.

“Ah, thought I was bein’ watched. Give me a moment and I’ll be with you.”

His accent was... hard to place. But he obviously wasn’t Scottish, I mean, Gaisgeilian. It didn’t take long for him to return. He reached out a hand and practically crushed mine.

“Morning, name’s Thesopholese, but everyone calls me Theo. What can I help you with?”

I bit back a groan (my poor fingers felt like they had snapped in half) before pulling out the scroll.

“I was given this by the Jarl and he told to come see you.”

I handed over the scroll and stood waiting as he read it. Once he had finished he nodded and looked me over appraisingly.

“Hmmm, interesting. I’ve never armed a dragon before. Come inside.”

He stalked off with me hot on his heels, er, hooves. We entered the building and I immediately was impressed by the massive amounts of weapons lining the shelves and racks. I whistled.

“Nice place, lots of pointy stuff.”

“Thanks. Now then, let me get a better look at ya.”

He walked around me a few times while occasionally having me hold my arms out or balance on one foot.

“Right, next I need you to pick up that poker by the fireplace.”

“May I ask why?”

“No.”

He gestured to said fireplace. Hanging from a hook was a metal rod of average length topped with a spike and curved hook. I took it in hand and awaited further instructions.

“Lift it up like it’s a sword.”

I tried to with one hand but it was pretty dang heavy. I gripped it with both and held it like I was a badass action hero.

“Okay, interesting. Follow me out back. I wanna see you swing it at the dummy.”

“Am I getting a sword or trying out for the army?”

He scoffed and crossed his arms.

“What? Did you think I was just going to plop a random sword in your hands and send you on your merry way? The person doesn’t choose the weapon, the weapon chooses the wielder.”

I held up my hands.

“I digress, you’re the blacksmith here.”

His backyard, as it turns out, was much like his shop. Barrels, bows, spears, and swords were lining the house or poking out of the shed. In the center of the chaos was a straw training dummy.

“Go on, give it a whack.”

“Like, just hit it? Or, I dunno, like stab it or... whatever?”

“Whatever you feel comfortable with.”

I shrugged before squaring up to the dummy. I took a deep breath to steady myself before slashing with the poker. The thwap it made was very satisfying.

“Good, again.”

I repeated my attack but this time followed up by stabbing it in the gut.

“Hrm, interesting. Very interesting. What type of weapons have you used before?”

“Well I have a knife but that has limited use.”

He nodded.

“A good knife is great to have as a backup, but any traveler needs a bit of good steel to put between himself and any would-be assailants. Anything else?”

I rubbed my elbow as I debated what I should say about my sword. I couldn’t exactly tell him that I used to use it until Discord removed his power from me and turned me back into a weakling.

“I, er, have a sword. It’s just... a bit too... not right for me.”

“Can I see it?”

I nodded.

“Yeah, I’ll go get it.”

I left his yard and stood in an alley for a bit before returning to him. (I conjured it inside his shop. As if I was going to lug that thing across the street.)

“Here it is!”

His eyes grew to the size of saucers when he saw it.

“Where the Hades did you get that!”

“Er... I found it?”

“Do... do you mind if I take a look at it?”

I heaved it into a more accessible position and gestured to the handle. With one hand he picked it up and raised it to eye level.

“This, this a beautiful weapon. Look at that steel, I’ve only seen metal that well forged by one smith. No... it can’t be!?”

He looked at me and asked,

“You don’t mind if... I’m just going to check something quickly if you don’t mind.”

“Be my guest.”

He began scrutinizing the sword with such focus I was sure he was looking for some secret switch that would transform it into a gun or something cool like that. He kept turning it over before stopping at the pommel.

“Aha! I knew it!”

“What?”

“How much do you know about Braun?”

“...Who?”

He gripped the sword by the handle and gave it a few test swings.

“Flawless balance, comfortable grip, squirrel-tail guard to protect the hand, and... hold on, what are these weird symbols.”

I don’t think he was talking to me. He seemed pretty absorbed with that sword. I decided enough ogling had occurred so I coughed politely. He snapped out of it and hurriedly dropped back into a casual stance.

“Er, sorry. It’s just, this sword was made by one of my ancestors. Braun was the greatest smith the world has ever known. He knew techniques and secrets that made his weapons near perfect.”

“Sweet! So does that make that sword legendary or something?”

“Er, no. It’s just a sword. An incredibly well made sword, but still just a sword.”

Well that was a bit disappointing. I shrugged.

“Oh well, I guess the fact it was made by a legendary smith is good enough. How did you know it was his? Some secret blacksmith trick?”

“No, it has his crest on the pommel, see?”

He turned it to me and upon close scrutiny I discovered an image of a hammer with two horns beside it.

“How did I not notice that?”

“Braun never was one to make his mark too conspicuous. He just wanted people to be able to tell who made something. Anyway, I... no, nevermind. Getting you a weapon is my top priority. Come back inside, please.”

Once inside he began rummaging through various racks and shelves while asking me questions.

“I’m assuming you want a bladed weapon? No maces, hammers or the like?”

“I guess. I don’t really know how to use something like that. And they seem kinda... heavy.”

“My thoughts exactly. You seem to favor quick slashes and lunging attacks over crushing and smashing.”

He returned with a sword that was pretty long and relatively thin.

“Try this. It’s a longsword so you either hold it with both hands or rest it on your shoulder while holding a shield. It’s faster than a greatsword but has decent reach and does some damage.”

I picked it up and held it. It was heavy, but not as bad as my other sword. I could probably manage it with both my hands. It was about as long too but it was way thinner (I mean thinner if you were looking from the side, not the width of the blade), and had a far longer handle. I rested it on my shoulder and held it.

“Hrm, try moving with it like that. Walk out back.”

I obliged and carefully made my way out back. I almost fell over a few times because this thing’s tip was deceptively heavy.

“Take a swing.”

I set my feet and swung the sword. However, it’s tip proved even more awkwardly weighty than I anticipated and the sword flew out of my hands as I fell over before embedding itself in a tree.

“Holy crap! That thing kinda tugs you around!”

“No, not that one. You’re arms are too long and you tend to move your feet as you swing. How about... stay here.”

He returned with a curved sword.

“Falcion. Light and quick, perfect for slicing while keeping on your toes. Try it.”

I took it and gave it a few experimental whirls before attacking the dummy. The blade cut the straw like butter and was pretty fun to use. I stepped back before stabbing, leaving the sword embedded in the dummy.

“I like it.”

“No, I don’t think so.”

I whirled around.

“What? But I—“

“Try this.”

Next he gave me a short sword like a knight would use. I didn’t even get to swing it before he took it.

“No. How about this.”

Viking sword. Thicker and longer but with a more slender blade. This too was rejected. What followed was a dizzying parade of sword after sword after sword. Big ones, small ones, straight, curved, or even jagged; but every time he took it away. Finally, I collapsed onto his back porch.

“Dang it, *huff* I’m *huff* too tired to continue!”

There were loud bangs and rattling coming from inside now. Theo seemed to be getting more and more excited as he looked for the perfect sword.

“AHA! Why didn’t I think of it sooner!”

He returned holding a sword with an extremely long, slender blade and an ornate cross-guard.

“Is that?—“

“A rapier! It’s perfect!”

I sighed.

“Are you sure? I don’t know how to fence! And even then, that doesn’t exactly strike me as... lethal. Can you even slash with that?”

“If it’s designed for it, yes. That’s what I’ll do! Make a slightly beefier rapier to fit your style. And in regards to your concerns about fencing, you’re in luck. I happen to know a brilliant fencer in this very town. Trust me, go learn from her and you’ll see just how right I am.”

I flopped back down and shook my head.

“I’m so sick of this that I’ll do it, just point me in her direction.”

He did a little jig before returning to his forge.

“Follow the street due south of my front door. Her house is the one with yellow walls and a fancy garden, you can’t miss it. I’ll send word when it’s done. Now then, I’ve gotta get smithing!”

I groaned.

“Why do I feel like he was looking for an excuse to make me a custom weapon.”

Author's Note

Two things: first, I try to reply to all comments, but sometimes I don’t see them. I really enjoy talking with my readers so feel free to voice any opinions or ideas. Second, I actually do really like to bake and have forged a few knives by myself. I guess I just like playing with fire. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!

From Man to Dragon

"C'mon, c'mon!"

I sat hunched over my controller as I valiantly fought Ornstein and Smaug. Only one more Estus flask and I still had to deal with the remaining member of the duo. I rolled aside as Smaug's oversized hammer crashed into where my virtual knight had just been standing.

Third times the charm! You won't defeat me Dark Souls!

I grit my teeth as his health bar slowly yet surely was hacked away by my character. Finally, with a suppressed cheer I stood as the boss toppled to the ground.

"Oh ho, suck it! That's how it's done! Not so tough now are you!"

Suddenly, the controller slipped out of my hand. I reached down to pick it up when my hand phased through it. I looked in surprise at my dextrous digits only to see, well, right through them. I slowly started to float and grew frantic.

"NO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I HAVEN'T SAVED YET!"

With a flash of multicolored light I was... well... you guys know the Void from Dishonored? Think that except... if a cartoon adict designed it.

"What the..."

"Hello there! Allow me to introduce myself!"

I turned and saw... you know what, I have no idea what I saw. It had the head of a horse, a lion paw, an eagle claw, a goat hoof, some sort of lizard leg, and a long, scaly tail. It was... like something a kindergartner would draw after they got their little mits on their older sibling's red bull.

"I am Discord! I know, I know, no need to bow and grovel. I am just an ordinary chaos spirit like anyone else."

Suddenly he turned into me except still with the mismatched body. Like somebody stuffed him into a me shaped mold. So... like a scrawny teenage version of himself.

"Uh... what?"

He sat down on a chair (don't ask me where it came from, I don't know.) and motioned for me to take a seat on A THRONE MADE OF SOLID GOLD! I whistled,

"Now that is badass. I like it."

He held a paw to his chest and fluttered his eyes.

"Oh stop it you! You'll make me blush."

And then his whole head turned red. Right, okay, mhm.... Exactly what was in that taco I ate today? He returned to (relatively) normal and looked at me. He held out his lion paw which I then shook (why did I shake it? I didn't tell my arm to move?)

"I don't believe you mentioned your name."

"Uh... Drake, Drake McCain."

He smiled and laughed.

"Oh that's perfect! Nice name!"

I raised an eyebrow. Why wasn't I concerned about the creepy smile?

"Now, you might be wondering why you're so calm right now."

"It had crossed my mind."

"Well, I put an eensy-weensy little spell on you to make sure you didn't do something stupid that would poison our relationship from the start."

Wait, relationship!?

"Uhm... Discord? It is Discord right? I'm... flattered and all but--"

He slapped his palm through his head and began moving his hand like a mouth.

"A business relationship you nincompoop."

I rounded my mouth into an "o" and nodded. He waved his hand causing a screen to appear in front of me. On it was a picture of him... being turned to stone by... was that a rainbow?

"As you can see, I've hit a little bump in my plans and, well, won't be doing much for a little bit."

I nodded. Yeah... being turned to stone would do that.

"So, I used my powers to take a small time out and bring you here. Well, it was more roulette with every human ever on it and, lucky you! You got chosen."

"Thanks?"

He waved his paw dismissively.

"Oh no, thank you. I'm going to be watching you like a tv show as you do... whatever it is you will do. Now, I'm going to drop you off at a latter time and turn you loose to do... whatever you nerds do in those mindless games of yours."

"Hey! Video games aren't mindless! So many have great stories and gameplay! Give them a chance and you'll change your tune!"

He conjured a massive pensil and a tiny notebook and wrote, "play some nerd games" right under "wear a shirt with 'life' on it and give people lemons."

"Fine, but... I'll give you one thing as a boon. Only one thing."

Discord smiled but internally groaned.

So help me if he tries wishing for unlimited wishes I'll turn him into a corn chip in the middle of a room full of crows.

I tapped my chin and hummed. One thing... one thing....

"I want a badass coat! Like the ones you get in Final Fantasy XV for your party members. You know, two rows of buttons, black. Very stylish."

"A... a coat? You want... a coat?!"

I nodded. He sighed and snapped his fingers (er... claws) and suddenly I was enveloped in a flash of light and the smell of burning popcorn.

I sat bolt upright and looked around. I was in some sort of garden sitting under the statue of--

"Oh sweet Pajeebs!"

I had turned to find myself face to face with Discord himself. Except stone. I looked around before wandering over to a fountain. I looked in and--

"What the actual hell."

Dragon! There... there was... I was... a dragon! Blue scales, elliptical pupils, wings, tail, the whole shabbang. I was the same height, but....

"Damn! I am ripped!"

I mean, I looked pretty dang good. I went from scrawny to burly in one second. Discord should sell his product to people everywhere! I mean, I went from toothpick arms and visible ribs to washboard abs and taught muscles. I mean, I guess it made sense. How believable of a dragon would I be if I looked like I could barely hold a controller, let alone do... whatever dragons do. What should I do? And, where was my--

*POP*

I turned as a coat and a backpack landed behind me. The coat... was awesome. Like, exactly what I had in mind. I put it on and realized that there were convenient openings for my new wings to fit through. I looked inside the backpack. Inside was a water bottle, some peanut butter crackers, a map, and a small bag of....

"Holy... these are real gemstones! Like, rubies and stuff!"

Inside the bag was a note written in wonky handwriting.

Dear Drake,

I forgot to mention I was turning you into a dragon. Now, you might not realize this, but dragons need to eat gemstones in order to keep their scales sturdy and their other inside stuff normal. Have a fun day!

-Discord

"Yeah yeah, not to sell. Whatever."

I turned and started looking for... something. I saw a path leading off out of the gardens and rolled my shoulders.

"Alright, lets see what this world is all about."

...how was I so calm about this still?!

Nature is Scary!

"Look out!"

I ducked under the leaping timberwolf (that's what everyone had called them.) and cut its wooden head off with a backhanded slash. It fell apart and began knitting itself back together until I light it on fire with my breath. We'd only traveled about an hour when we'd been attacked by the wooden monsters. They weren't hard to break, but having to light them on fire to kill them was a real pain. Gem blasted one and called out to me.

"Drake! A little help?"

I snapped my claws and said "fyair" causing the wolf to ignite Incinerate! style. I ducked as Cinders sent a ball of flame towards one that was behind me. Grip smashed two with his axe before groaning.

"How many of these things are there?"

Cleghorn demolished a half dozen with one swipe and growled,

"Too bloody many!"

One of them ran towards Gem but I stopped it with a spell I'd invented.

"Dro quoira!"

It flew towards me and I aimed it at its friends as it wriggled in my telekinetic grip before blasting it through two more wolves. They all went to pieces and Cinders ignited them with a quick spell. The remaining monsters retreated once they were sorely outnumbered. I wiped my forehead as the cost of my spells caught up to me.

"Sheesh, good riddance to those jerks."

Everyone whole heartedly agreed as I retrieved Sunny from the tree I'd put her in. I'd read about the creatures in this world and there definitely was a variety. You had adorable ones like the Blue-Eyed Cuddle Snake, a snake that lived in northern climates that was a popular pet due to its friendliness and beautiful coloring. It had white scales with bright blue eyes and a low body temperature so it constantly sought out warmth. It was incredibly docile, coiling around creatures of all size from rabbits to ponies in order to absorb warmth.

But then there were the disturbing ones like the Glumrang. The Glumrang was a large reptile similar to an alligator but huge. It has either deep purple or dark orange scales depending on its habitat. It has no teeth so it has to swallow its prey whole. The most disturbing part was that it preferres to eat its food while still alive. It would splatter its hapless prey with its potent gastric juices which had several pheromonal compounds that, when a creature came into contact with, cause feelings of lethargy and euphoria. While said prey was doped out of its mind the Glumrang would slowly swallow it whole. It then spends the next few days digesting its meal. My book also had several fascinating descriptions of how it would run its tongue along it mouth to help increase the amount of gastric acid flowing into its stomach helping dissolve the meal faster. Thanks book. But the worst part is the fact that due to the sense of euphoria caused by its acids, those who are rescued from a Glumrang will attempt to find it again so it can eat them. If that isn't messed up than I don't know what is. Sounds like something the internet would come up with. I dunno, maybe lamias are worse given they hypnotize their prey and either eat or enslaved them while turning their brains to sludge. I swear, how do people here even leave their homes in this world.

We continued on our way, keeping an eye out for more nasties as we did. We entered a field of flowers and, when half way across, Leaflet gasped in horror.

"No! No no no!"

I looked around but just saw bright yellow blooms everywhere.

"What?"

She pointed to the flowers.

"This is Giggleweed! Amd we just... just...."

Her words slowly slurred as her cheeks tinted red and she started to giggle. We all slowly began to follow as a feeling of joviality and mirth filled our heads. Grip snickered,

"Pff! H-hey Leafy! What's so... so fu-*snirk*- funny about these?"

She giggled again as we all staggered around, hugging eachother and laughing.

"They! They make you- BWAHAHA! Go loopy!"

We all sunk down as we began to laugh out tails off. Fortunately we made our way out of the meadow but just sat down in the trees laughing and hugging.

"I-I swear you guys! I'm almost happy for once! Usually I have to-BWAHAHA- play a video game to be *snicker* happy. I'm always so full of barely suppressed anger and hatred!"

Everyone laughed and rocked back and forth. Cleghorn slapped my back.

"Yoor hilarioos! Thas good stuff!"

We continued that way for quite some time.

Author's Note

Sorry about the short chapter, but I'm out of town for a bit. I wanted to have this be longer, but I couldn't. It'll be a bit before I'm back so sorry for the wait in advance.

Minstrel

“I think... that looks good.”

I took the two fish out of the frying pan and set them on two separate wooden plates. I then scooped some mashed potatoes out of the pot, and added a roll. I’d taken over part of the cooking in the past few weeks given I’d had a “home economics” class in school that was exclusively focused on cooking. (What, I liked eating cookies in class.) I’d made do with what was available and had gotten pretty good at this whole cooking thing. Especially given Gerhman only grew potatoes, carrots, and beets. We also only had the flour he had bought on his last trip to town, and the only protein was whatever we managed to fish up. (Which I was also getting pretty good at.)

It had been about three weeks since I’d first woken up here and already it was starting to feel like home. My “landlord” and I had settled into a routine where we’d trade off certain chores each day.

“Dang, I need to get you to cook more often. You can make more than three dishes.”

I looked over at Gerhman as he walked through the door.

“Well... now I can. It’s definitely better than the first few times.”

We both shuddered and Gerhman said,

“I’m trying to suppress the memories. So much smoke... so much stench.”

“Let’s not talk about it. Anyway, let’s eat.”

We sat down and it wasn’t long before Gerhman nodded.

“Nice. You even took the scales off this time.”

“Oh please, you didn’t know much better than I did when I first tried to make fish. I also deboned it this time.”

I froze before pulling a small bone out of my mouth.

“Well... most of them.”

He snorted and took a bite of bread.

“Not bad, but it still tastes a bit off.”

“We don’t have any more yeast. And since when have you been a food critic.”

He put a claw to his chest.

“Me? A critic!? Well I never. Here I am tryin’ to give you a spot of constructive criticism and you call me critic. How rude.”

“Shut up and eat your fish.”

He shook his head before taking another bite.

“So, you ready for tomorrow? It’s a pretty long trip to Halvstead and all. I’ve gotta get there for the festival.”

“Ah yes, Mr. Entertainer needs to go sing for the masses.”

Apparently, Gerhman was a bard. Like, he sang and played instruments for a living. I’m not sure how you can support yourself like that, but apparently he does.

“So what about you? You gonna try doing anything?”

I shrugged.

“I dunno. Probably not. I don’t really know what I would do.”

“Well, you’ve traveled around a bit, right?”

I nodded.

“Well, why not tell stories about them?”

“Yeah... no.”

“Why not?”

“I suck at public speaking. I seize up in front of crowds and can’t remember what I was going to say.”

“Oh please, that’s just stage fright. Everyone gets that.”

“Still no. I’ll probably just pick up the food we need and stuff like that.”

He shrugged.

“Suite yourself. Either way you’d better get ready to travel. We leave at dawn.”

“Why not, like, noon?”

....

“We leave at noon!”

(The next day)

Waking up is not an easy task for me, nor is it pleasant. But compared to Gerhman, I’m a morning person.

“Get out of bed.”

He let out a croaking sound before rolling over. I poked him.

“C’mon. Get up.”

He burrowed under his blankets and groaned,

“Go away.”

I sighed,

“Don’t make me do this again, Gerhman.”

“It’s Gary, or G-man! And no!”

“Definitely not G-man. Oh well.”

I quietly cast “glacè” and covered my hand in a layer of ice. I then lifted a corner of his blankets and grabbed the first part of the griffin in reach. There was a high pitched yowl and Gerhman shot out and began rubbing his butt.

“Bleedin’ Tartarus your claws are cold! Why’d you have to grab my ass!”

“It got you out of bed, didn’t it?”

He grumbled before trudging off.

“I’m gonna go take a bath. What time is it?”

“Noon.”

He froze and slowly turned around.

“Pardon?!”

“It’s noon, time to go.”

“WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME UP! ODIN WE’RE NEVER GONNA GET PACKED IN TIME NOW! WE’RE GONNA BE—“

“I packed everything. The only thing missing is the lazy griffin who’s supposedly singing and dancing and whatever. Now let’s move, before you get even more irrational.”

I walked past him and grabbed my backpack before heading out the door. He stayed frozen a bit longer before chasing after me.

“I am not irrational!”

With that, we started our journey to the border of the Gryphon Empire. It took us around a week on the open road, but finally, we arrived.

“Well, Cain. Welcome to Halvstead.”

We both stood on a hill overlooking the valley where the town was located. A river divided the town almost in half and was spanned by three wooden bridges. Log houses built in a distinctly Gallic style lined the cobblestone streets and people could be seen go to and fro throughout the town. I whistled,

“That’s... not exactly what I expected.”

“What were you expecting?”

“Griffinstone.”

“You’ve been there?”

“In passing.”

“Huh.”

He nodded his head before asking,

“Did you hear that they kicked the pony governor out with his guard friends?”

“Yup.”

“Apparently Princess Celestia is letting them be self governed now.”

“Good for them.”

Gerhman shrugged before continuing down the road.

“I just wanna know what caused all that to go down.”

“Oh, I dunno. It’s not like I was there.”

Soon we were walking the streets with the surprising assortment of creatures. There were mostly griffins, but there were quite a few ponies as well. And I even saw what looked like a minotaur working in the blacksmith shop.

“I thought that you said ponies avoiding the Gryphon Empire?”

Gerhman chuckled,

“Most do. But some don’t really care. And some more so than others.”

He pointed to a group of a children. Mixed in amongst the ponies and griffins were—

“Hippogriffs?”

He nodded and gave me a cheeky grin.

“It’s like the old saying, ‘war make for interesting bedmates.’”

“War?”

He winked and said,

“Don’t you worry none. That’s one of the stories I tell each year at this festival.”

I shook my head and sighed,

“Songs, stories, and sass. You’re the whole package, huh. Must have to beat the ladies off with a stick.”

....

“Gerhman?”

I looked over to see him glancing around in confusion.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Look around.”

“What?”

“Look around, what do you see?”

I did a slow 360 and noticed nothing in particular.

“Not much really.”

“Yeah, where’s the decorations? The lights? The stalls?!”

“Well did you get your dates mixed up?”

“No, I’m sure it should be starting in, like, two days!”

“Then ask somebody.”

I followed behind as he approached a griffin running a small stall selling kitchen utensils. The shopkeep smiled and said,

“Mornin’ chaps. Need some new pots or pans? Cause let me tell you, I’ve got everythin’ you need at great prices.”

Gerhman shook his head and said,

“Fraid not mate, but I would be happy if you could help me out with some questions I’ve got.”

The shopkeep shrugged.

“Business is a bit slow right now, so ask away.”

“What’s goin’ on with the festival? I’ve been coming here for it every year for the past five years and not once has it been so... dead.”

Shopkeep gave Gerhman a look of recognition and said,

“I thought you looked familiar, you’re that bard what performs each year!”

“Yeah! So did I mix the dates up?”

The griffin sighed and rubbed his neck.

“Naw, you’ here on time all right, problem is the festival’s been cancelled.”

“Cancelled!?” German shouted.

“Ay, and it’s a crying shame.”

“But why?”

The shopkeeper sighed and pointed behind him.

“You’d be better of just asking the Jarl.”

Gerhman nodded and walked off towards the center of town. I caught up and asked,

“Jarl?”

“That’s right, Gryphonian government’s probably pretty foreign to you. Alright, so basically the whole country is ruled by the king, King Cróga. Now, he doesn’t personally rule the whole kingdom. It’s divided into six Holds each ruled by a Jarl. The Jarls are all elected in their Hold and can create its laws, but are ultimately responsible to the laws the king has in place.”

“So, basically the Jarl can add on laws and stuff.”

“Yeah.”

“What are the six Holds?”

“There’s the central Hold where the king is, Andfangol. Next is the Hold composed mostly of bogs, lakes, mountains, and peat: Gaisgeil. Then there’s the grassy island of Glasoileán. The dense forests of Nebelwald. The Hold known for fishing and merchantry, Havbrygge. And finally snowy Sneggora.”

“Huh, and where are we?”

“Gaisgeil.”

By now we had reached a large wooden building that obviously was the Jarl’s house. Gerhman gave me a poignant look.

“Watch your manners in the Jarl’s presence.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

“No, like be warned. So far you’ve only heard my accent, which is an Andfangol accent, same as that shopkeep. That’s because there are a lot of transplants in Halvstead. But Jarl Fiadhaich is Gaisgeil born and bred, so he’s got a strong Gaisgeil accent.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Fine. I’ll let you do all the talking.”

With that we entered the building. The inside was decorated with various shields and weapons as well as paintings of landscapes from across the Empire. Standing by a table near the center was a mountain of a griffin wearing a tartan sash. He looked up and said in an odly soft and high voice,

“What arr yew two goin’ on about bargen inta mah home like thas?”

...oh sweet mercy this is going to be difficult.

Author's Note

Sorry sorry sorry! I was busy, then sick, then just plain tired. But, I managed to do a lot of personal world building so hopefully more should be coming out soon. I just figured you’d all waited long enough. Enjoy! Cause I’m back from the dead!

Bandit Busters

I can barely express how much self-control I had to exert to avoid breaking down into hysterics at Jarl Fiadhaich‘s voice. Have any of you seen Mrs. Doubtfire the old Robin Williams film? His voice sounded like a slightly more masculine version of Robin’s Mrs. Doubtfire voice with a strong Scottish accent. I was literally vibrating from holding in my laughter as he and Gerhman talked.

“Jarl Fiadhaich, why was the festival cancelled?”

The humongous griffin sighed and dragged a claw across his weary face.

“It’s because ah tha bandit problem.”

“Bandit problem?”

“Aye. No less than three days ago a whole bunch ah lads, lasses, and their mums went out to tha woods ta gather boughs and wildflowers tah make festival wreaths. We dinae think ta send any soldiers along ‘cause the woods hae always been safe, but they didn’t return. Then Ah sent a patrol teh go look for em and they couldn’t find hide nor hair o’ the lot uhv ‘em. It was then that we received this letter.”

He handed Gerhman a letter written in some weird language. Gerhman read it over and said,

“A ransom?”

“Aye. Tha best soldiers ah kin spare are out lookin’ fer ‘em right now and ah even sent word to tha King aboot our plight, but we d’nay know where they are.”

Gerhman set down the note amd groaned,

“This is bloody awful! I’m so sorry.”

The Jarl nodded and growled,

“Ah promised not tah rest until those bandits were taken care of and by me beak Ahl do jus’ that.”

Me and Gerhman both gave the Jarl a pittying look and Gerhman said,

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Not unless yeh can find those bastards fer me.”

Gerhman sighed,

“Don’t think I can help ya there mate. I’m just a bard.”

“Aye, though ah din’t think ah tha affect this would have on ya. This festival is one of yoor main sources of money. Yer just as anxious ta get things goin again as we are tah see our families. But ahm afraid we can’t help eachother.”

I chose then to butt in.

“Actually... we might be able to.”

Both Gerhman and Fiadhaich looked at me. The Jarl said,

“Who’s this?”

Gerhman wrapped an arm around my shoulders and said,

“This, is one of the smartest dragons I know. Well, only dragon I know, but he’s pretty damn smart if’n you ask me. Reads enough to be at least.”

Fiadhaich nodded and asked,

“Alright dragon, what’s yoor plan.”

“Well, we need to find out where the bandits are so we can rescue the hostages, so why not have somebody else either get captured or escape capture by the bandits, have your troops follow the bandits back to their hideout, and rescue everyone. It stands to reason that the bandits would still be in the area. Also, in my experience, bandits tend to be greedy to the point of spreading themselves thin. So that results in a good chance of your bandits looking for more hostages, or at least being willing to take more.”

Fiadhaich sighed.

“Ah’d thought ah somethin’ like that. Ah’m just not sure if thas a risk Ah’m willin’ ta have on mah head.”

“Well, it’s the best plan we have, so it’s at least worth consideration.”

He bowed his head before looking me in the eye.

“That it is. Here’s tah hopin’ yoor plan works.”

He waved over a soldier and told him,

“Ah want ya ta gather a squadron and follow these two. You are to locate tha bandits, follow ‘em while evadin’ detection, and rescue our people. Are we clear?”

The griffin saluted and hurried off while I processed what had just happened.

“Wait... what was that about us?”

Fiadhaich raised an eyebrow (or... whatever feathery things griffins have for eyebrows. I’ll just keep calling them eyebrows.) and said,

“Well it was yoor idea, and ya did mention yah wanted ta help. Ah figured you were volunteering.”

Gerhman and I chorused,

“Yeah, no.”
“No.”
“Nope.”
“Nadda.”
“Not at all.”
“Nuh-uh.”

Fiadhaich sighed.

“Please, Ah can’t spare more troops then Ah already ahm sendin’. We need yoor help.”

Gerhman piped up,

“But we’re not soldiers! Those bandits will rip us apart.”

“But tha plan is tah get captured. You’ll just have to play along and wait for mah men tah rescue ya.”

I sucked on my teeth and said,

“Sssssh.... I dunno.”

“Ah’ll be sure tah reward ya handsomely, and yu’ll be heros to our town for years tah come. In fact, Ah’ll even be sure ta add your names to tha same festival yoor here for. C’mon, help ah brother out?”

I looked over at Gerhman who was giving me a meaningful look. I sighed,

“Fine. Let’s do it.”

He laughed and grabbed me in a bear hug.

“Ha ha! Thas tha spirit! C’mon! To glory!”

“Can’t... breath! Too... tight!”

It didn’t take long for the troops to muster and for Fiadhaich to direct us to the area where the townspeople went missing. As we walked, Gerhman and I nervously chatted.

“So... why exactly did you want me to say yes, Gerhman?”

“Well, not only would that reward and the festival be nice, but this’ll make a fine story. How Gerhman the Bard and Cain the Dragon led the Jarl’s soldiers to the lair of the Halvstead bandits.”

I nodded and kept walking.

“That’s nice, here I was thinking you had a heroic streak.”

“Well... that too. Growing up hearing stories and songs of brave heros fighting monsters and bandits and such kinda made me a sucker for this kinda thing.”

“I can definitely understand that.”

He looked ne over for a second before asking,

“Hey, where are you from anyway?”

“Huh?”

“I’ve told you some about my past, but for all I know you didn’t exist before I found you.”

“Oh, uh... you see... the thing is....”

Before I could reply there was a rustle from the left and a griffin in a green, patchwork cloak stepped out.

“Evenin’ chaps. As much as I hate to break up ya little chat, I’m gonna need you two to come wiv me.”

German huffed in a less than convincing way to (but the bandit [hopefully?]) seemed to buy it.

“Oh yeah, and why’s that? As far as I can see there are two of us and—“

*whistle*

“One... of... you.”

He gulped as we both looked at the two bandits pointing crossbows at us, one griffin and one pegasus. A unicorn stepped out from behind a tree and grinned wickedly as the original bandit said,

“You wus sayin’?”

....

“Wonderful weather we’re having?”

Author's Note

Do you wanna k ow why my chapters are shorter at the moment? Because I can only write sporadically! Sorry. I’m hoping to free up some more time soon, but until then, hope you enjoy!

Down the Rabbit Hole

I sat, or rather, lay there trying to make sense of what was going on. I was in bed... with a griffin lady... and a pony lady.... Why was I in bed with them? What happened? Why is my head in agony? Everything is fuzzy. Last thing I remember is the story Gerhman told and then it all goes to crap. What day even is it? Is it still today or tomorrow or is tomorrow today or—

“Ehh... you doin’ alright, love? You’re lookin a bit peaky. Are you super hungover?”

The griffin spoke in a chipper English accent that sent my head into throbs of pain. Also why does my tongue feel like I chugged a bottle of glue before licking a dog?

“Earth to Cain. You in there, chap?”

I winced and grumbled.

“Yeah... and I think I’m hungover. Never have been before. Too poor to afford it and too,” I stifled a belch as my stomach lurched painfully before I groaned.” Scratch that, just no like the effects. My head feels...”

I trailed off as my stomach churned before letting out a sickly *erp*. The griffin chuckled.

“Oh yeah, you were sloshed. Threw up all in me bathroom. Cried for a spell after that while you apologized. Took me like ten minutes to stop your blubbering. Now, sit tight and I’ll get you some tea and ice water... and maybe some eggs. You like omelettes?”

I nodded before carefully relaxing back into bed. It was then that I remembered the pony as she yawned and said,

“Brauchen Sie Hilfe?”

The griffin huffed.

“You know I don’t speak much Nebelwaldian so you have to speak Common language.”

There was a groan before a heavily German accented voice sleepily droned,

“I said, do you need any help.”

“Nah, I’ll be fine. You can stay and cuddle with mister hangover.”

A hoof wrapped around my chest and a soft, furry body snuggled against my back and yawned,

“Dann gehe ich wieder schlafen.”

The griffin paused and replied,

“What?”

“I’m going bach to schleep! Lerne mal etwas Nebelwaldian, du Dummkopf.”

“Now I know that last bit was an insult. I swear, you are a real pain in my arse.”

Footsteps headed down the hallway and the pony sighed. I figured it was time for some answers so I began to move so I was lying on my back. German pony huffed and reposition herself to have her head on my chest, giving me a face full of her mane. I spat a bit of it out and croaked,

“What... exactly happened?”

“Hmm?”

I coughed and rephrased my question.

“What happened last night?”

“Vut do you think, you schlept vith us.”

I let my brain process that for a bit before coming to a conclusion. Last night... I got laid. Not just by one, but by two chicks! I just had sex with a cute griffin lady and a German pony! Wait... I just screwed a mythological cat-bird and a pony... a pony.... I... did the nasty... with a horse. I sniffed and grabbed my face.

“Oh my gravy... ohhhhhhhh man. No.... No! Dang it! Gyuhhhhh.”

“Vat is wrong vith you? You have tummy ache?”

I looked down at her and finally put a face to the voice. She was a brilliantly white pony with a wine-red mane and green eyes. No wings, no horn.

“It’s just... I... I slept with you! We’re not the same species! It... it... why are you laughing?”

Her face was pent up with laughter and she soon let it out in a snorting burst.

“Süße Freya, du denkst wir ... I mean... ve did, ve had... you think zat ve did the horizontal tango?”

I just stared at her she laughed. After a bit she calmed down and pat my head.

“Aaw, it is sweet of you to be concerned, especially if it’s because you remember vut it vas that Alice told you.”

I blinked a few times and coughed,

“Uh... who?”

“Alice! You know! The griffin you vere spooning! Do you not remember anysching!”

I winced and held my aching head at the sudden loud noise.

“Gah, keep it down. My head’s killing me. And no, I unfortunately don’t remember anything about last night. I swear I am never drinking again.”

She sighed and rolled off me.

“Gute Trauer, du bist erbärmlich.”

“Eh... what.”

She yawned and said,

“To jog your memory, the griffin, that’s Alice. I’m her sister-in-law , Rose. Now... vy are you making that face?”

I had tried to hide my “weirded-out” expression but obviously failed.

“You slept in the same bed as you sister-in-law?”

“Ja. I mean, it’s not like ve did anysching vierd last night. I mean, ve practically didn’t touch at all.”

I shook my head and regretted it. I waited for the pain to stop before saying,

“I’m sorry, I’m still just confused as to how I got here. What even happened last night.”

Rose rolled her eyes and turned her back to me as she got comfortable again.

“Ask Rose ven you’re eating, I’m sure she vill be happy to help you recall your night. In the meantime, gute nacht.”

She adjusted her blanket a bit and was soon snoring again. I tried to whistle but my lips were too dry... dang I was thirsty.

“Dang... she drops off fast.”

“Yeaaaah, she really does. Better name for her would be Violet because she’s so good at sleeping. I mean, I was just as impressed as you are now when I first saw it.”

I started and shifted to face the doorway where Alice was standing holding a tray of food. She set it down and motioned for me to watch. Within seconds Rose sniffed a few times before dragging the tray under the covers with her. Alice laughed,

“Anyway, I’ve got some breakfast made downstairs. Up ya pop!”

I blearily sat up and immediately flopped back down as my head swam.

“Nope. Head hurts.”

“Well it won’t get better if you don’t get your bum out of bed and let me help you. Now, come on!”

She grabbed my arm and practically dragged me down to the kitchen. She sat me down and busied herself making something before setting a cup of hot tea down in front of me.

“Here you go. My Dad always said that the best cure for a hangover was drinking lots of hot tea and ice water before having some breakfast. Well, that’s what he said after my eighteenth birthday cause I went out and got so slammed I could barely walk. Go on, drink up.”

I didn’t need to be told twice. Not only was I very thirsty, but I also really like tea. I gulped the entire cup down, despite how hot it was, and sighed. Immediately a tall glass of ice water was set in front of me and Alice set about readying a fresh cup ‘o tea.

I finished the water almost as fast as I did the tea. By then my host had brought two plates over as well as more tea and some coffee for her. She blushed and gave me an embarrassed grin.

“So... I said omelettes, but I accidentally kinda scrambled the eggs. But I figure, ‘hey! It’s pretty much the same thing only all mixed up! Should actually be better now!’ Except it’s not cause I love omelettes. Oh! I forgot the toast! I hope you like marmalade! What am I saying, of course you like marmalade. Who doesn’t? Oh dear I’m running my mouth again.”

I had frozen, a forkful of eggs partway to my mouth, and stared in awe at the speed she was talking. She blushed an turned an even deeper red before hiding her beak in her coffee mug. I took a bite of the eggs and set my fork down, preparing to say something. She immediately pounced,

“Oh no, do you not like them? I thought I added too much cheese. Dang it Alice! This is so easy and yet I somehow messes it up! I can’t believe it I—“

“No! No, I was going to say thank you and that it was very good. Also, this tea is amazing. Where on earth did you get it?”

She ran a claw through her hai— feathers and smiled.

“Well I didn’t get it per-say but I did get the ingredients. I’m an apothecary, see? You know, making medicine and salves out of plants, herbs, and junk. Real fun work, also makes a good bit of money. Not that I overcharge people or somethin’ like that. Anyway, a while back I thought, ‘hey! I work with herbs and curatives so much as is, I can probably blend my own tea!’ And I do and I like it so... yeah... fun.”

She shrugged and took a massive gulp of coffee before pulling a face.

“Crap, forgot the sugar.”

I watched, fascinated, as she picked up the container of sugar and poured a truly horrifying amount into her mug before stirring it with a soft crunching noise. She took another drink and sighed,

“So much better. Now, where were we?”

“Please tell me that is decaf.”

She glanced down at the coffee before grinning.

“Oh, don’t worry. Coffee really has no effect on me. It just makes me have to pee and I like the taste... of the coffee that is. Not the pee. That would be weird. I should probably have worded that a bit differently so it sounded a bit more normal and didn’t need to be explained after. Okay, I need to shut up now.”

I just stared, glassy eyed, as I ate my breakfast. She was right that the drinks and food would help. I was feeling better already. Once I’d finish I waited for her before asking the question I’d been dying to ask.

“So... what exactly happened last night?”

“Hmm? You mean you don’t remember anything?”

“Well... not really. Last thing I remember is talking to Gerhman and getting a drink and going to do... something.”

“Oh, you were looking for doughnuts. You told me that expressly. I helped you find one.”

I scrunched my face up and thunk real hard.

“Uh... wait, something’s coming back to me.”

(Last night)

I wove my way through the crowd, occasionally calling out.

“HEEEEY! DOES ANYB-*urp*BODY KNOW WHERE A DUDE CAN GET A FREAKING DONUT!”

I stopped when I ran straight into a griffin with red feathers tipped with gold. She backed up a bit and grinned, her features flushed with alcohol.

“Sorry, love! Didn’t mean to bump inta ya!”

I swayed a bit and put a hand on her shoulder.

“That’s super okay. You’re really cute and I want donuts. Do you wanna... wanna get some and we can cuddle and talk about our *hic* emoshiems?”

She whooped in delight and cried,

“Heck yeah! Donuts here we come!”

I reeled as she tugged me away by my coat before raising my hand in the universal sign for “hardcore” and yelling,

“YEAH! RESSHPECT WOMEN! DONUTS!”

(Back to present)

I nodded my head slightly.

“Yeah, that seems right. Did I eat an entire box of donuts myself or am I imagining things?”

Alice laughed,

“Ooooh yeah. It was absolutely horrifying. Then we came back here....”

(Yesterday, later)

We both staggered through the door laughing and wiping crumbs off our faces. I brushed some glaze off my coat and said,

“You jusht can’t beat a sour cream donut. They’re the bestest in da world!”

Alice giggled and licked some jelly off her face.

“Nah, jelly-filled are the best. Especially wiv sprinkles on ‘em.”

I nodded.

“Yeah. They’re my second favorite. You really get the... the depth of flavor with the soft donut, sweet fruity fruit... stuff, and the crunchy sprinkles.”

She nodded astutely before dragging me towards the stairs.

“C’mon! Let’s go snuggle and talk.”

I nodded and followed her, setting my coat on a chair in her room as she hopped onto the bed. Although said bed gave a disgruntled shout and shifted to reveal a pony. She blinked at Alice and grumbled.

“Vut are you doing. You know I called the bed to— is that a boy?”

We both giggled and nodded. The pony glared at Alice.

“Alice, vut are you doing? You better not be—“

“Dang it, *hic* Rose. This is not a hookup. We wanna cuddle and talk, that’s ‘vut ve vant’ Dracula.”

“Oh, haha laugh it up. I’m not going to help you if you’re going to treat me like this. Now go, you can cuddle on the couch.”

Alice groaned,

“But that’s not nearly as comfy! C’mon, be a sport! You are my guest after all.”

“Fine! You take half and I take half! No canoodling!”

She fluffed her pillow before flopping back down. Alice giggled and patted the bed beside her.

“C’mon! I wanna feel what it feels like to hug a dragon! It’s... probably like huggin a big... uh... snake thing.”

I staggered over before flopping face first and immediately groaning.

“Bathroom... bathroom!”

(Back to the Future!)

“Aaaaaand then ya threw up all over my toilet. After that we passed out.”

“Sounds about right. I’m just relieved we didn’t... you know.”

Alice nodded.

“Same. I’m not one for casual sex... well not anymore. See, I kinda went through an experimental phase in college. Not pretty. I’m pretty sure parents used me as a cautionary tale. Anyway, I looked way different too. I dyed my feathers on me noggin bright pink, had one side close-cut and the other covering my face, got a tatoo... the whole shabang.”

I nodded awkwardly.

“That’s... cool.”

She grimaced.

“Yeah, I remember looking at myself in the mirror after having just finished... uh... let’s just say some adult exercise, and said to meself, ‘Alice, look at you. You came to uni to become an apothecary and instead you became a tramp. Well no more.’ So I cleaned up and got my degree. Never had sex since for fear of relapsing.”

I nodded politely.

“So... what happened to the tatoo?”

She twisted in her chair to reveal a large pattern of twisted roses and thorns below her wings.

“It’s right there. I’m just glad it’s not a tramp stamp. At least I can cover this up with my wings. Anyway, I’ve gotta go to work, so maybe you should go check in with the Jarl. You did say you were kinda on probation.”

“Oh... that’s right... crap.”

She smiled.

“Well, I’ll be headin’ off if’n ya need a guide. You can also feel free to pop in here anytime you like. So long as I’m home.”

“But what about....”

I pointed up in the vague direction of her room.

“Rose? Oh, she’s heading back to Nebelwald today or tomorrow. No need to worry about inconveniencing her. She’ll probably sleep till noon at least.”

I nodded.

“Right, well I guess we had better go.”

She grinned.

“You got it! Just let me finish my coffee. Also, I’d recommend hitting the gym later if you can.”

I looked at her, scandalized.

“Is that a comment about my physique?”

“Huh, well I can see how that could sound like that. But no, I was more referring to the showers and laundromat. But you could definitely hit the weights while you’re at it! You are a bit scrawny.”

I shrugged.

“I guess. I’ll see about that... more the shower than the weights. I hate working out. Did it once and never again.”

Alice let out a sarcastic huff.

“Nobody enjoys it, dummy. Now let’s go before I’m late to work. I’ll probably have a bunch of people coming to me for nausea and hangover medicine.”

I checked myself to be sure I had everything and followed her out the door in the direction of town hall.

Author's Note

This was delayed a bit because some family came to visit for a week. My bad.