Celestia's Wake

by Flash Notion

Rating: teen
Tags: Starswirl the Bearded, Random, Discord, Violence, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Narcotics, Princess Luna, Comedy, King Sombra
Length: 2154

Inspired by the song Finnegan's Wake. Celestia has died, now it's time for her sister to do the most important thing of all- celebrate! With a drink, of course.

After a hard night of partying, Celly is dead on the floor. Too bad. Well- time to celebrate! Bring out the rum and whisky, we're raising the roof off the castle. By the stars, she's alive. She's immortal! How did that happen? Let Ol' Flash tell ye how. (Inspired by the song Finnegan's Wake)

Teen for alcohol. Loss and lots of alcohol.

Published 2017-06-19 04:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-19 04:10:06 UTC

Whack fol the dah O

Celly was dead.

Luna shook her head. They both woke up that morning heads splitting open felt like, but both of them went out anywho. Luna to the bar- no cure for a hangover like getting drunk! Now that she was of age, she intended to do it often. But Celly insisted the crenellations were crumbling after the birthday party. She went up to check. She flew right into the wall, snapped her horn clean off, an' fell to the ground and split her pretty head open.

At least, that's how Luna supposed it happened. How could she know, she was drinking!

"I shuppose I should tell shumone," she slurred. Luna stumbled through the castle gate. "Swirly!" she called. "Swirly, Celestia's dead!"

Starswirl popped his head out of the library. "What's that? Goodness, Luna! You're drunk."

"Yesh," she said. Not seeing the problem.

Starswirl sighed. "I thought I raised you girls better than that. Where's Celestia?"

Luna frowned. "What?"

He pinched his brow. "Your sister. You were trying to tell me something about your sister."

"Oh!" Luna remembered. "She's dead."

"What!" Starswirl's eyes about popped from their sockets. "Are you sure?"

"Priddy sshoor, I thick I saw her brain!" Luna stumbled and hiccupped. "Out there," she gestured.

Starswirl hustled from the castle, cape flowing. It actually blew high enough she could see his hindlegs, a rare thing. Luna smiled. He was a handsome stallion. Sure he raised her, but he wasn't her father. Maybe she could see just how handsome he really was if she waited 'til he was sleeping and got a razor and trimmed off that beard-

"Luna! Get out here!" She stumbled down the steps, blinking in the stinging sun. On the right, Starswirl frowned down at Celly's body. "Oh, Tartarus," he muttered. He paced back and forth, muttering under his breath. Luna wasn't sure what he was so worked up over. Celly was dead. That was that.

Then, to her surprise, he stopped and looked up, beaming. "Of course! Listen, Luna," he said, "Don't panic. Everything will be all right."

"Okay," Luna agreed. She wouldn't panic.

"I just need a few things..." He started muttering again. After a moment, he put a hoof on Luna's shoulder. Twice her age, he still had to reach up to do it. "I'm going to town. I need you to take care of Celestia. Do you understand?"

"Uh- shoor." Luna gave her best smile, which almost always worked. She failed to take into account that her glazed expression made it look fairly unsettling.

Starswirl sighed. "Just... be good." With that, he rushed into the castle, grabbed a basket, and then galloped down the path to the west.

Luna watched him go, then looked back at her now-dead sister. There was only one solution for a dead loved one, she figured. "Where'd Swirly put da key ta the wine sheller?"

Luna smiled and hummed to herself. She'd found the key! And there was a lot more than wine in the cellar. There were drinks from every corner of the known world. Earth Pony Giggle Water, Pegasi Fizzy Lifters, Unicorn Gargle Blasters, Sea Pony Rum, Griffonstone whiskey, Yakyakistan vodka, even something from the Minotaur lands called Throat Punch. Luna grabbed a bunch of each and threw them in a barrel with some ice and dragged it up to the courtyard.

She didn't have a coffin handy, not expecting any of them to die, so she dragged Celestia's bed down to the courtyard. She had to take out a wall to do it, but Swirly probably wouldn't be back for a day or so. Plenty of time to get it fixed. She put Celly on the bed and made her look presentable. Then she decided that looked ridiculous, so she put a bottle of wine in Celly's hoof, positioned her like she was drinking, and raised the other hoof in a rude gesture. Perfect.

Only thing left was to summon some drinking buddies. Luna frowned. She couldn't exactly ask the townsponies, since that was where Swirly would be and he didn't seem happy with her drinking. Hmm. Then she remembered- he went west. The nearest town was east. Luna smiled again as she heaved herself up the stairs of the east tower. At the top, she leaned over the balustrade.

She'd only tried the trick once before, but it was fairly easy. She focused her magic into her vocal chords, and shouted:

"PONIES! MY SISTER IS DEAD! TONIGHT WE REVEL FOR HER MEMORY! DRINKS AT THE CASTLE OF THE TWO SISTERS! BRING THE WHOLE FAMILY"

Luna trotted down the stairs, pleased with herself. Time to get started on the drinks part.

Hours later, the entire town was milling around the courtyard. They laughed and sang songs and took long pulls from foaming mugs. "TO MY SISTER!" Luna raised her own mug.

"TO CELESTIA!" the townsponies roared.

Every pony drank, and Luna beat them all by draining the full pint of Throat Punch in one go. She stood up on the balcony and waited- the drink hit her and she fell over backwards like she'd been punched in the neck. Luna flopped over the railing and the ponies gasped- before she unfurled her wings and swooped over the crowd. They laughed. She looped through the sky, slapping hooves with everypony she could.

"SOUP'S ON!" an earth pony yelled, jangling a triangle. She had the brightest pink fur Luna had ever seen, and a cutie mark in the form of three golden apples. She began tossing fritters- perfectly fried and filled with gooey fruit- into the crowd. The ponies went wild, shoving the delicious food into their muzzles. It wasn't long before they ran out. Of course, then they just went back to the alcohol.

Luna proposed a game- she brought out one of the wine barrels and tapped it. "Whoever can drink the most while balancing on top with yer forehooves, wins!"

"Wins what?" one of the other ponies shouted.

"Um-" She hadn't thought of that. "They win... this tiara!" Luna concentrated as best she could and teleported her sister's favorite jewelry from their room. She tossed aside the box full of necklaces and earrings and the like and held up the tiara for all to see. They agreed it was a good prize.

"And it'll be mine!" a voice called out. There was a snap, a white flash, and a strange creature appeared next to Luna.

"Discord!" she beamed. "Good to- hic see you! Been a while."

"I know! But I heard there was a party. You say Celly's dead?"

"Yep."

The draconequus shook his head. "And you're just attempting a kegstand now? Dear me, it seems as though proper tradition has been forgotten." He snapped his claws and reappeared on top of the barrel. "Allow me!"

Luna nodded to the nervous looking ponies, and they stuck the tap into Discord's mouth. A second mouth appeared out the back of his head. "And- go!" he said from it.

The ponies opened the tap and wine flowed up into Discord's mouth. He drank. And drank. And drank.

It was a good ten minutes before Luna noticed the tip of Discord's tail looping back into the bottom of the barrel. He was just letting the wine flow through him and back into the barrel! "CHEAT!" she declared.

Discord jumped off the barrel and smirked. "Took you long enough. Would somepony like to try for real?"

"ME, ME!" They shouted, clambering for a turn.

"ENOUGH!" a new voice roared. Deep and growling, it silenced everything.

A shadow spread from the edge of the courtyard towards the bed. A couple feet away, it blossomed upward into a dark-furred pony in a cape and armor. He stepped up to the bed. "So it's true," Sombra whispered. "Celestia is dead." He leaned down and nuzzled his marefriend's neck. After a moment, he looked up. "How could you? All of you, drunk and fooling around. She's dead!"

"Boo!" somepony called from the back. "Go home, sad sack!"

Sombra bared his teeth. "None of you knew her! None of you deserve to be here. But I knew her! I-"

"Oh, shuddup!" Luna rolled her eyes. "We're celebrating her life. Her life wush awesome! So we're being awesome!"

Sombra just stared at her.

"Oh, for the love of-" Luna mashed her lips against Sombra's. "Move on, ya daft point-head!"

He recoiled. "What is wrong with you!" He slapped Luna across the muzzle, and she somersaulted over the bed.

"He hit Luna!" somepony shouted.

"Get him!" another yelled.

Sombra blinked, suddenly a bit nervous, and found himself beset by dozens of drunken, angry ponies. "Get back!" They jeered and leaped at him, punching, kicking, even biting. He melted into shadow and raced to the other side of the mob. "I said get back!" His eyes lit up green, and Sombra stomped the floor, causing a dark crystal to raise him ten feet in the air. Undeterred, they used their own bodies to scale its sides. Actually scared now, Sombra began zapping ponies. One flew through the air and slammed into another pony, who for one reason or another had not joined the attack on him.

That pony got up and glared at the pony who had landed on him. "Hey, buck off!" he yelled, and punched the fellow in the jaw. Several of the downed pony's friends saw, and abandoned Sombra. They ganged up on the other pony, and he got his friends, and before long the entire courtyard was a mess with spilled drinks and unconscious brawlers, and conscious ones still going. In the confusion, Sombra slipped away.

Discord smiled and sipped from a bottle of Giggle Water as he watched. "Hee hee! Oh, this is fun. We should do this more often."

Luna slapped a stallion who was almost as big as her, and he turned a full circle before slapping her back. She felt the sting and laughed, then punched him in the jaw so hard he rolled over two ponies behind him. Then she caught sight out the corner of her eye of a pony about to throw a bottle. Instinctively, she collapsed; the bottle flew over her head and hit the bed, bounced, and popped open. Foaming mead exploded outward, showering Celestia.

Who woke up, sputtering. "What the hay?"

The brawl halted. Luna stared. "Celly?"

Celestia frowned and got out of bed. She took in the courtyard and all the ponies in it. "Lulu," she said slowly, "What's going on?"

"Yer alive!" Luna hopped up and wrapped her forelegs around her sister's neck.

"I... won't be... if you don't lemme breath!" she gasped. Luna backed off.

"How?" she wondered.

"I dunno," Celestia shrugged. "I thought I was done for when I cracked my head on the wall."

"WHAT IN EQUESTRIA!"

They both turned towards the castle gate, where Starswirl stood, gaping. He opened and closed his mouth a few times. Finally, he brought a hoof to his forehead. "Luna. I was gone for one day. One day!"

"Ya asked me ta take care of Celly," she said defensively. "So I did! I threw her a dead party. And look, she's alive, so everything's okay!"

Starswirl lowered himself to the ground and placed both hooves over his face. "Luna," he said wearily, "She's alive because I completed her ascension ritual with the ingredients I got from town. She's immortal now, which given the way you two are acting, might not have been the best choice."

"Immortal?" Celestia wondered. She looked down at her hooves.

"Yes." Starswirl got up and dusted off his cape. "You'll heal and never age and- is that Princess Platinum's daughter?" he noticed.

Luna looked over and saw that, indeed, the filly had snuck into the castle and was presently passed out drunk. "It appearsh so."

Starswirl fumbled. "But she's only sixteen!"

"Mmm," Luna frowned.

Celestia was still staring at her hooves. "So I can't die at all now?"

Starswirl wasn't paying her any attention anymore, though. "The Princess is going to have my head," he moaned.

Luna lightly shoved him in the shoulder. "Oh, come on, she'll be fine."

He didn't respond for a moment. Then he looked up at Luna. "Time for a life lesson I think you've already learned." Starswirl picked up a bottle of Throat Punch off the ground. "The easiest way to avoid a problem-" He downed a gulp. A moment later, he was knocked on his haunches, and got up laughing. "What's everypony waiting for? Let's drink!"

Luna grinned. "You heard him!" she called. She filled a mug- she wasn't sure with what- and raised it. "DRINK!"

That's the way O, down a glass
Mount the floor, yer haunches shake
Equestria was ne'er the same
Lot's of fun at Celestia's wake!

Author's Note

A thought-it-write-it story. I had fun with it though. Song: https://youtu.be/L6QTwZDzak4