Life is Fun When You're Crazy

by Comrade Bagel Muffin

Rating: everyone
Tags: Royal Guard, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 3776

Life for Crazy Pyromaniac is great even if he doesn't understand simple things like common scence or simple logic.

Crazy Pyromaniac lives in Ponyville, a town so use to everything that even his stupid brain dead antics are mostly over looked.

Edited by TheFanWithoutaFace

Published 2017-06-19 22:20:05 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-13 14:24:17 UTC

Paper or Plastic explosives

They say a cutie mark is the representation of your soul, your very being, the summation of all that you are is magically tattooed on your butt for all to see. So the residents of ponyville knew that they were dealing with one of Celestia's special little snow flakes when Crazy Pyromaniac stepped off of the train into town. His cutie mare was a jolly rogers, only the cross bones had been replaced with two lit sticks of dynamite.

Crazy had been run out of every town on the rail line, for his seemingly suisadi- suisy- crazy antics. He never meant nopony no harm and was only trying to help, but he was an idiot, and an idiot's aid can be so much worse than a geniuses offences. Many of the towns had run him out in just a day. Angry mobs with pitchforks and torches.

Crazy was suppose to go straight to the town guard and inform them that he was here. That's what the big nice pony with the sun on her butt told him to do. Crazy liked her she was nice. What Crazy didn't like was pitchforks really what kind of food needed a fork that big. Maybe the forks were ancient relics of a long forgotten race of giant ponies. Crazy didn't have an opinion on giant ponies see how he never met any, just one big pony and she was nice, and had the sun on her butt.

Crazy continued down the street he was heading to the market. Normally that's were ponies sold things was in the market. Crazy knew that it was very important for him to check to make sure that there wasn't a stand selling pitchforks and torches. He was very surprised how many ponies sold pitchforks and torches. Nearly every town he went to had a stand for pitchforks and torches. and the two ponies that attended the stand always looked the same with apples on their butts and mustaches. They must have had a lot of twins. Birthday's must have been very fun. Crazy like birthdays with cakes and dynamite. Dynamite made birthdays fun, and Crazy had a ton of dynamite, so that meant that Crazy must be a fun pony.

Crazy liked fun. As Crazy Pyromaniac walked around the streets of Ponyville's out door market he was shocked at all of the stores that were around town. He walked up to one of the stands at random and browsed their selection. "What's that thing?" Crazy asked the nice looking pony behind the counter.

"That my good sir is a miniature of the Canterlot Gardens."

"And that?" He pointed to a little town in a glass sphere surrounded by water.

"That is a snow globe of Manehattan."

"How'd you get it in there." Crazy asked as he lifted up the snow globe carefully he didn't want to hurt the little ponies inside after all.

"Magic." The shop owner said with an arched eyebrow. Crazy gently put the snow globe down.

"And what's that?" He pointed to something behind the counter.

"That is my lunch. Now are you going to buy something or not?"

"Do you have nitroglycerine?"

"No."

"Napalm?"

"Absolutely not."

"Do you have kerosene."

"Yes kerosene both in jars and already in the lamps, that will be four bits to the liter." Crazy dug through his saddle bag for four little gold coins. Which he put on the counter.

"Paper or plastic?"

"I have plastic." Crazy said as he dug back in his saddle bag. Before pulling out a large wad of high yield plastic explosives. "Here you go." He pulled out the detonator the shop keeper watched dumbfounded. "Just don't push this button." He pushed the little red button to demonstrate to the shop pony.

***

There was a knock at the door. "I'll get it." one of the guards called out to his comrades as he got out of his seat and made the way to the front door of the barracks. The knocking became an insistent pounding like somepony was trying to break down the door. "I'm coming I'm coming keep you horseshoes on."

"I believe that this is yours." The sot covered shop keeper dropped Crazy to the ground.

"Ah Crazy Pyromaniac we've been expecting you."

"He blew up half the market. While you three were doing who knows what in here."

"Well you know between the returns of ancient horrors that can only be stopped by a young mare and her friends, to horrible calamities that can only be stopped by a young mare and her friends we've learned to just stay out of the way and let Twilight and her friends fix the problems," the guard answered rubbing the back of his head. "If it ain't broke don't fix it you know." The disgruntled shop keeper glared at the white Pegasus guard.

"He was nice." Crazy said to the guard as the shop keeper walked away. "Hey did you know that you can use kerosene for lamps. What will they think of next."

Hosed Down

Crazy walked with his head down and ears flopped back. As he and Winged Shield walked back to the barracks. He knew he had messed up somewhere. Sure he had made a bunch of apple sauce for the Apple Family and had made it quick, but the explosives weren't as weak as he had originally thought. He had almost blown the barn to bits. Winged Shield, was furious, and Crazy knew that furious meant that he was in trouble. Crazy didn't know what went wrong though, sadly being honest he never truly knew what was going on. And while going with the flow was fun sometimes other times it sucked bad.

"What were you thinking?" Winged Shield demanded as the two of them arrived at the barracks.

"I was thinking that if I put a bomb in the middle of the apple pile it would make them all saucy and then the other four bombs would keep all of the apple sauce in the pile. I was just trying to help."

"Help you nearly destroyed their barn! How did you even get those bombs I thought we took them all from you!" Crazy cringed. "Do you know how many bushels you're little stunt cost."

"Apples come from trees, and I didn't know. I'm not a bad pony."

"Crud." Shield sighed. "I don't think you are a bad pony psychotic, maybe, crazy definitely, but not bad."

"But you were yelling at me, and guards yell at bad ponies and I'm not a bad pony."

"Crazy the world isn't black and white."

"I know that the world is in color now."

"The world's never been in black and white, Crazy."

"Yes it was, and there was always a piano playing. And no pony could talk so everypony had to write down what they were saying on cards, and if you couldn't read you'd never know what anypony was saying."

"I, never mind. Just don't blow anything up again."

"So, I'm not in trouble."

"Oh you're in trouble. Now sit in front of the wall over there."

"Why?"

"Because your punishment is washing off that apple bits off of you."

"Baths aren't punishments. I love baths with the bubbles and the duckies and the little boats. And the sallow water death charges. And the splashing."

"I didn't say bath." Winged smiled as he turned the pressure nozzle on the hose to low so it wouldn't hurt. "Now stand still."

***

"AH the garden hose is bad!" Crazy ran into the barracks soaking wet. Running past Loyal Heart and Duty Bound.

"Well I guess that I probably shouldn't ask how the last day of community service went." Duty Bound walked to the couch as Winged Shield flew in with the hose pursuing the fleeing colt.

Friends and Fire Bombs

Ding dong, ding dong. The bell above the school sounded. Crazy liked the bell especially when it sounded twice, because that meant it was time to go. He never knew how the bell knew when to ring, but it always rang on time. Sure Crazy liked school, but after four hours he couldn't wait to go home. Today he wanted to go more than he normally did, since Â today was special. He was going to have a party and the guard ponies said that he could invite some of his friends over. Crazy didn't have friends before Ponyville since normally most towns ran him off before he could even learn anypony's name.

Crazy grabbed his saddlebags and after saying good-bye to Ms. Cheerilee, ran out of the school house. "Hey Rumble, Button Mash!" Crazy ran after the two colts, the first two ponies who had agreed to be his friends. Crazy didn't understand why he didn't have a bunch of friends. He was fun; he knew this because his friends said so, and he because had a lot of explosives and explosions were always fun.

"Hey Crazy, you ready for tonight?"

"I sure am, I can't wait. Do you guys have the stuff?"

"Yeah. I've got the marshmallows."

"And I've got the crackers."

"Great, and I've got the chocolate. This is going to be the best night party ever!"

"Yeah, best night party ever!"

"Button, Crazy it's called a sleepover."

"No, don't be silly Rumble. Sleepovers are for fillies, night parties are for colts."

"Button that's ridiculous, it's called a sleepover because we're sleeping over at Crazy's house." Button Mash bit his lip, not wanting to be proven wrong. Unfortunately, Rumble's logic was unassailable. Until inspiration hit.

"But Crazy always sleeps at his house so it's not a sleepover for him, for him it's a night party."

"What, but I still get s'mores right?"

"Of course, night parties and sleepovers both have s'mores."

"Okay that's good then, so long as we all get s'mores."

***

Loyal Heart helped the three of the colts get settled, Thunderlane and Love Tap would both be along later with Button's and Rumble's sleeping bags, blankets, and pillows. He was currently helping the three colts pull a log onto the fire pit that heâ€™d helped them dig. The fire pit was eight hooves round. They had debate the size of the pit, l Crazy reminded them that pyro meant fire and his last name was Pyromaniac, so he knew a lot about fire. To which they all had to concede the colts logic was fool proof. So the four of them had been piling firewood into the pit for the better part of an hour. Many of the logs were nearly as large as the colts that were trying to move them, and more than once it took all four of them to move a single log.

"Alright, time for the last part. I've got just the thing to start the fire.â€ Crazy started digging through his bag. "Mr. Loyal Heart sir could you go and get the chocolate. I'll have the fire started when you get back."

"Sure Crazy, I'll bring some sodas as a reward for all your hard work.. Root beers for you three and Â some cider for myself.â€ The three colts nodded and Loyal Heart left them and the firewood pill, which was easily twice as big as himself. Loyal Heart was walking back outside as he passed Duty Bound.

"Hey there Loyal. That's a lot of soda for just one stallion."

"The cider is for me, I'm taking the root beers out for the colts. We've spent the last thirty or so minutes getting the firewood ready for the s'mores."

"Wait I thought Winged Shield was suppose to be watching them."

"Did you call me," Winged Shield asked from the top of the stairs.

"Oh no. Loyal how big was the firewood pile."

"It was about twice my size, Crazy said that's how you get the fire good enough for perfect s'mores." No sooner had he finished as Duty Bound grabbed him and dragged him to the door. Winged Shield's wings carried the white Pegasus out the door. The three turned the corner just in time to see Crazy toss a small lit bomb into the wood pile.

***

The three colts enjoyed their s'mores as the watched the fire. Even at this distance it was warm enough to make the marshmallows all gooey. They watched as the adults rushed to bring in rain clouds to put out the barracks, while the earth ponies brought in wood and building supplies so that once the second the fire was completely out they could start rebuilding.

"So guys my mom says that we can have the night party at my house so long as we finish cooking the s'mores here."

Author's Note

Sorry for how long this chapter was next one will maybe, probably be shorter. I hope that you like it.

Crazy's Keepers

"Who was it?" One of the guards asked as his comrade walked back into the barracks, carrying Crazy by the tail. Crazy thought the world looked funny all upside down. "Oh, this must be that pony that Celestia told Twilight to tell us about."

"Woo, I'm getting kind of dizzy."

"Yep this is him," the guard said. Crazy fell and hit his head on the floor, with a sound that was distinctly hollow.

"Why is he covered in soot?" the other guard entering into the barracks common room.

"I kind of, maybe, probably blew up half of the market," Crazy answered tapping his front hooves together, doing his best to avoid eye contact. "I was showing the shopkeeper which button he wasn't supposed to press when he asked me for my plastic explosives."

"So, you pressed the button to show him which button not to push." Crazy nodded. "Well aren't you just that special kind of stupid."

"Now don't be too hard on him, he didn't mean to blow up half of Ponyville."

"Yeah and it was a reasonable mistake." Both guards looked at their comrade who had carried Crazy in. "What."
"Dear Luna, there's two of them" They both said in shock.

Barns and Bombs

Crazy Pyromaniac helped haul in another cart of apples into the Apple family's barn. It was the last part of his community service for blowing up half of the Ponyville market. He had been spending every day for the past two weeks helping every pony who'd lost a stall.

Much to his surprise, the ponies in this town weren't like the ponies in all the other towns that Crazy had visited. They were neither mad nor irate at him for blowing up the market. Many even thanked him for helping them rebuild their stalls. Strange or not, Crazy liked it.

Crazy really liked the Apple family since they'd been really nice to him in spite of the fact he'd blown up their stand. They let him take breaks and even gave him sweet tea. Crazy liked sweet things, like candy and ice cream, as well as applesauce. Crazy smiled as an ingenious idea came into his head. The Apple family seemed to really like applesauce and would probably like a lot of it to sell. As luck would have it, Crazy knew exactly how to make a lot of applesauce really fast.

It wouldn't be easy, Mr. Royal Guard pony had taken almost all his bombs away. It felt like a grounding, fortunately Crazy had five high yield explosives that they had let him keep. Maybe they thought they were fake? Crazy pulled the cart into the middle of the barn and grabbed his bag. He pulled out five little black balls with fuses coming out of one end. Crazy had made these bombs himself, designed to have plenty of bang but no flash, so they'd be perfect for this. He threw one of them into the cart with all the apples, and put the other four around it. This way when it went boom the other four would keep it contained with more booms. He heaped more apples into the cart and got the fuses ready. Oh, the Apples were going to be so happy.

***

Winged Shield walked down the small path that lead to the Apple Family homestead. It was his turn to pick up the little runt from his court ordered public service. He and Duty Bound both thought it best if they not let Loyal Heart watch the bomb happy colt. Especially after he tried to clean up the mess on his first day with dynamite, and the simple-minded guard was helping him set the fuses.

After that the two of them went through his things and took away all his explosives. By the time they were done, there wasn't so much as a speck of black powder. Applejack was at the front gate waiting for him. "Hello Applejack, I hope the little runt hasn't caused you too much trouble."

"None at Mr. Shield, he's been right helpful. In fact, he's almost done, he's just putting the last apples in the-." The ground underneath them shook a little as the boom sounded from the Apple Family barn. "-barn." Winged Shield's was eye twitched as a splotch of apple sauce hit him in the face.

C is for C4

"Wake up!"

"Ahh! I'm awake, I'm awake." Crazy jumped out of his bed falling on the floor tangling himself up in his blankets. Winged Shield facehoofed.

"Get off the floor and take a shower."

"Uhn, what time is it."

"It's 0500 hours, now get up and get in the shower. Move!"

"500, I've been asleep for 500 hours. That's like 700 years!"

"Well, Ms. Cheerilee has her work cut out for her, doesn't she?" Duty Bound walked into the room. "Also this isn't boot camp, you really shouldn't wake him up like that."

"I don't even have shoes. Mr. Alien."

"What?"

"I've been asleep for over 700 years and so you must be creating an illusion of what's familiar to me. So as to learn about what makes a pony a pony."

"Crazy 500 hours isn't even a month."

"That sounds just like what an alien would say."

"Get in the Â shower Crazy!"

"Yes sir, Mr. Winged Shield!" Crazy scrambled and struggled to finally getting out of the blanket cocoon he had wrapped himself up in.

***

"I can't believe you guys let me sleep for a month. Though, I have no idea why I'm still so tired." Crazy yawned as he walked down the stairs from his bathroom in the attic, into the main room of the barracks. "Breakfast smells great." He looked over to the kitchen where Loyal Heart was making Flapjacks.

"Crazy 0500 hours means 5 A.M."

"What? Then why'd you wake me up that early?"

"Because you're starting school today. You were supposed to start last week, but you blew up half of Ponyville."

"I think next time we'll get you up at six. There's not really a reason to get you up this early." Duty Bound put a plate down on the table for Crazy, who eagerly dove into the food.

"So, when does school start," Crazy asked as he gulped down a mouthful of the flat, syrup drenched bread.

"In two and a half hours, Winged Shield is talking to your teacher right now. She's a good teacher, you'll like her." Loyal Heart took the last flapjack from the frying pan, and started to prepare it.

"Now Crazy I need you to understand that while you're at school you can't blow anything up okay?" Crazy nodded.

"No blowing anything up got it."

***

Crazy shifted back and forth in front of the class. He didn't like it when everypony was looking at him, not like this anyways. "Hello, my name is Crazy Pyromaniac and I uh like things that go boom."

Crazy's Letter

Dear, Ms. Big Pony with the Sun on her butt.

I'm starting this letter in blue because it's my favoritest color in the whole wide world. I'm writing this letter because a really nice pony came to the barracks, who told me she was your student and that you like letters about friendship. I'm sure you're a good teacher, but I still think Ms. Cheerilee is the best. I hope that doesn't make you sad, but she's really fun and lets us play outside for what she calls recess. I like recess, because I can play with all of the other colts and fillies. Though I mostly play with Button Mash and Rumble, they're my friends. There's also a group called the CMC, I like them too. They're so much fun.

Crazy put the Blue crayon down and grabbed an orange one from the box.

I really like the guard ponies, they're really nice. Mr. Loyal Heart really seems to understand me the best. I like Mr. Duty Bound because he's fun and helps me with my homework and buys the sodas that I like. Oh, and Mr. Winged Shield is a good pony too, even if he yells at me sometimes. I really wish that orange crayons tasted like oranges, but they don't they just taste like wax and wax taste disgusting. It's almost as bad as soap. I know that because when I accidently burned down the barracks, one of the adults said the p word. Then when I said it, after I bumped my leg against the corner, Mr. Duty Bound washed my mouth out, It was nasty.

Crazy scrunched up his face at the memory of the unpleasant taste. He laid the orange crayon down and pulled out the next color from the crayon box.

I'm actually kind of glad that I burned it down and so are the guard ponies. It was amazing, the fire was out in only a half an hour. Then all the ponies in Ponyville rebuilt it, and they made it so much better. I even got a room of my own now, so I'm not just living in the attic. I really like my room, it's painted blue, and that's my favorite color.

Crazy put down the crayon and picked up the last one in his crayon box.

I really didn't want to use green because it's my least favorite color, but I'd feel bad for leaving it out, you know? Well I think that I've written enough for the nice purple pony with the glitter on her butt. Thank you Ms. Sun Butt Pony for sending me to Ponyville, I really like it here, and my friends are here, so I'm going to go play now.
Bye-bye see you later.