The Seven Second Itch

by Twigai

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Random, Mrs. Cake, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie
Length: 10619

There's a critter problem in Ponyville, and with Dr. Fauna out of town, Fluttershy is on the case. Can she save Mrs. Cake's livelihood and her own purity from the inappropriate use of doorknobs? Or will scores of hapless fillies be scarred for life?

Nestled in the cradle of Equestrian civilization lies the sleepy hamlet of Ponyville; an unassuming town with a knack for producing ponies destined to save the world. On a certain day, at a certain hour, one such pony is faced with a new challenge that could be no less important.

There's a critter problem in Ponyville, and with Dr. Fauna out of town, Fluttershy grabs her first-aid kit and races to the scene. What awaits her is far beyond her expectations, and the livelihood of a family hangs in the balance. Will an egg timer, a unicorn horn, and a tub of salve be enough to save the day? Or will damaged drapes, perverted mannequins, and the inappropriate use of doorknobs cause scores of hapless fillies all over town to be scarred for life? More importantly, will Fluttershy be able to protect her own purity and the secret of her third chicken coop from the gossip tables of the finest coffee houses in town?

On second thought, some problems are just too ridiculous to be all that important.

Published 2017-08-01 20:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-01 20:20:07 UTC

A Critter Problem

Fluttershy ran.

From sea to shining sea, the great nation of Equestria holds wonders of every sort. To the east, the great artificial spires of cosmopolitan Manehattan rise tall, her lights observable from orbit as she presides with pride over her sister stars of Fillydelphia, Manehattan, and the Horseshoe Bay. To the south, endless prairies of rolling desert mingle with fertile croplands, painting the landscape with a unique flavor comforting to those who desire the downhome scent of warm apple pie and a porch swing lost in time. To the west a quiet sea rests, where Luna’s grace seems to linger as it relinquishes its hold on the world with the onset of each morning. To the north lie great snowy peaks, where intrepid couriers staffing remote mountain outposts ferry supplies to all parts of the known world at lightning speeds.

In the middle of it all rests the hotpot of Equestrian civilization, where the mountainous capital city of Canterlot and the high pegasus home of Cloudsdale watch eagerly over the sleepy hamlet of Ponyville, to see what hero or feat of national preservation the deceptively simple town will produce next. No matter which part of Equestria a pony calls home, every heart swells with pride, and every young pony, guided by their tribe and their cutie mark, knows his or her place in society.

They would all agree that a pegasus in a hurry would do better to take wing. But dispositions are as numerous and unique as the leaves of the Everfree, and not every pony acts in keeping with their nature. Thus Fluttershy ran until her hooves went sore, while her pristine daffodil wings lay dormant against each heaving flank. Urgency alone might have spurned her to a land speed to match what she was capable of in the air, but it would have been rude not to offer a hasty good morning to every surprised pony she sped past. She could hardly just charge through the line of ducklings that were making their way across the main road into Ponyville, after all.

Fluttershy had slept in, and as a result she had no idea how long the letter had been sitting in her mailbox. Ponyville was not a large town and thus it might have occurred to her that the Pony Express was perhaps not the best way to ferry an emergency from one part of town to another, but guilt had pushed all other thoughts away when she nabbed her veterinarian first-aid kit and sped out the door. Breakfast had been among the last of her concerns, and her stomach complained loudly as the sweet scents of her destination began to waft across her nostrils. The letter had spoken of an animal-related emergency, and with Doctor Fauna out of town, Fluttershy knew that the well-being of every tiny, innocent creature was in jeopardy. She was not about to allow a critter to suffer for one second longer than was absolutely necessary.

With no thought for her aching hooves, Fluttershy rapped hard on the decorative door that marked Sugarcube Corner. “Missus Cake?” She called out with no small amount of urgency in her voice, “Missus Cake? I came as fast as I could! Are you here?”

“Fluttershy?” A familiar, albeit muffled voice replied. “Oh, Fluttershy! Come in dear, come in! It’s open!”

Fluttershy shoved open the door she might have walked through unannounced anyway, considering the bakery was open for business. Huffing and puffing, she placed one hoof on a glass display case filled with the confections that toyed with her appetite and leaned against it to catch her breath.

“I came...hahh…” She muttered between great breaths, “I came as fast...hahh...as I could...hahh…”

Mrs. Cup Cake, who stood behind the counter and before the oven with a fresh pan of turnovers balanced upon one mitted-hoof, wrinkled her snout. “You did?” She thought about it a moment, and then brightened. “Oh! Oh you did! Yes, thank you so much for stopping by!”

Fluttershy brushed a portion of her candy-pink mane out of her eyes. “Your letter...hahh...said it was urgent...that there was a critter emergency…?”

The entire situation bled back into Mrs. Cake’s visage like capillary refill. Her smile vanished, and she sat the pan down to come out into the customer area proper. Only on her approach did Fluttershy notice the heavy bags under the Cake matriarch’s eyes. “Yes, yes! It’s most certainly an emergency, and if somepony doesn’t do something about it soon, we may have to close up shop for good!”

As Fluttershy began to regain the senses than exertion had stolen, her ears perked at an unexpected sound. A soft, high-pitched moaning was emanating from somewhere right in the customer area with the two ponies. As though she hadn’t run at all, Fluttershy’s critter-senses went on high alert and she perked right up.

“Oh my, what is that? A poor dove with a broken wing? A squirrel in agony? A hippopotamus with laryngitis?”

“Worse,” Mrs. Cake withered. “So much worse. Look there.”

With that, Fluttershy followed Mrs. Cake’s outstretched foreleg to the opposite side of the freestanding display case that sat by the front window. There stood none other than the familiar cotton-candy countenance of Pinkie Pie, with a look on her face that was halfway between sheer bliss and utter exhaustion. The moaning noises were emitting from Pinkie’s feminine muzzle with such persistence, Fluttershy was obliged to glance around for a large vat of frosting. Pinkie’s tongue was lolling down one side of her mouth; she was drooling slightly, and her eyes were lidded as though closed by a sharp beam of sunlight that simply wasn’t there. As if she were entirely unaware of anypony else in the room, Pinkie’s vocal chords continued to vibrate with a luscious coo, and her eyes kept focusing upon some far-off oasis known only to her.

Fluttershy tilted her head at an odd angle and squinted at her longtime friend. To say that Pinkie was ‘standing’ seemed like something of a misnomer. She was upright, with her forelegs both straight and firmly planted on the floor, but her backside was riding up the edge of the display case like a Manehattan cab that had clipped the curb. Her hind legs were off the ground, her tail was up, and she was, of all things, grinding her rump into the hard edge of the case. A mare doing some window shopping took one look at the Sugarcube Corner display from outside, made a shocked face, covered the eyes of her filly, and trotted quickly away.

Fluttershy blushed. “P-Pinkie what are you--!?” Unable to finish the thought for her sputtering, Fluttershy’s eyes darted between Pinkie and the matron of the establishment, “What are you...what is she...wh-what’s going on??”

Mrs. Cake’s forelegs were flailing. “You have to do something, it’s been like this for three straight days now! My husband and I have been trading off taking the foals out to play all day, every day, because they can’t be...around this!” She waved dramatically at Pinkie. “Ponies walk up to the door, see what’s happening in here, and just trot away! We’re going to go out of business if this keeps up!”

Fluttershy had to make a conscious effort to scoop her jaw up from the floor. She blinked hard a few times and took a deep breath, battling with her urge to trot away as well. “Why...why is she...uhhh...umm…” She cut her volume in half, “...d-doing that...right there...just like that....?”

Mrs. Cake sighed, “Because she has a...erm...problem.”

“And how she has a problem!” Fluttershy squeaked with exasperation, averting her eyes. “B-but why call me? Why don’t you take her to a doctor or something? Or...I-I dunno, a therapist?”

Mrs. Cake’s ears drooped, and the dollop of color that served as her mane seemed to deflate a bit. “We tried that. They said there was nothing they could do...then they told us to go away because Pinkie kept using the wheelchairs in an inappropriate manner…”

“How do you use wheelchairs in an inappropriate manner?” Fluttershy blurted.

Mrs. Cake began talking with her hooves. “Well, you see, first you turn it this way, and then--wait, what am I saying! That’s not important right now!” She indicated Pinkie again with a dramatic wave of her foreleg. “This is a critter problem, and with no vet in town this week, you’re the only pony we could turn to! Fluttershy please, do something about this or we could end up losing the shop!”

Fluttershy blinked. “Have you tried, um...asking her not to do that...here? I mean, she has a bedroom and...all that…”

“She can’t stop!”

“Why in Equestria can she not st--wait,” Fluttershy cut herself off, “...how exactly is this a critter problem?”

Mrs. Cake glanced around the room, as though expecting to be overheard by a muffin or cruller. Pinkie unabashedly mounted the display case to straddle it, one leg hanging far enough off the side to continue to grind at its top corner. Cup Cake spoke.

“She has, you know...a thing.”

“What thing?”

“A thing...on her thing.”

Fluttershy puffed out her cheeks, swallowed, shut her eyes long enough to draw in another deep breath, let it out, opened them, and tried again.

“What thing is on Pinkie’s thing that constitutes a critter problem?” Fluttershy suddenly gasped as a wicked thought struck her. “Sh-she didn’t take a poor, innocent, defenseless woodland creature and...and put it up her--that can’t be why I haven’t seen Mister Blue Jay this week, can it!?”

“No!!” Cup Cake stammered. “She has a mosquito bite!”

“A what?”

Cup Cake looked as though she had just admitted to using processed ingredients in all her confections. She dug her hoof into the floor, staring at it. “I said she has a...mosquito bite.”

“Where?”

“You’re not...you’re not really going to make me answer that, are you?”

Fluttershy looked back at Pinkie, who was now sitting up on the display case, front hooves flat upon it, while her rump, half off to the side, ground away. The eyes of the pegasus widened. “...ohhhhhhh. Oh...oh my gosh.”

Cup Cake nodded. “The hospital just told us to wait until it goes away, but we could be ruined by then, if we don’t keel over from exhaustion! This is a critter problem, so we thought you would know something we could do.” She glanced up, her crocodile eyes matching the best pair even Fluttershy herself was capable of. “...please?”

Fluttershy’s perplexed curiosity took over her thoughts. She squinted again, her eyes following Pinkie’s movements back and forth, up and down. “She...really has it...right on her you know?”

“I’ve had a you know all my life Fluttershy,” Mrs. Cake announced. “Trust me, that’s where it is.”

Fluttershy instinctively rubbed one hind leg against the other and plastered her tail tightly against her backside. “Does it hurt?”

“I don’t know!” Mrs. Cake whined. “Just fix it, please!!”

“B-but how could something like that even happen?” Fluttershy babbled, idly flapping her wings as she went on. “I mean a pony’s tail is back there, and we’re all taught from a young age to keep your tail moving this time of the year to keep the bugs away...I could see it on her flank or her withers or maybe even her cheek, but...a-are you sure she isn’t just in heat or something?”

Both mares stared at one another. Had it not been for Pinkie’s cooing, they might have heard a pin drop. Fluttershy turned red and glanced away, but Mrs. Cake’s motherly instinct went indignant.

“Are you in heat?” She asked brazenly.

“N-no…”

Fluttershy gave up on the topic. While ponies could enjoy the carnal desires of nature at any point in the year, it was no secret that early spring was the time where it was hardest to control. It was now high summer, and Pinkie’s symptoms just didn’t fit the onset of estrus. Even so, Fluttershy couldn’t recall a time where she’d seen Pinkie Pie - or anypony for that matter - succumb so utterly to her season that she would seek pleasure from objects so blatantly not conducive to it. And in public, no less.

“S-so...” Fluttershy was twiddling her hooves and trying to make it look as though the pastries in another display were of fascinating interest. Her stomach reminded her that they actually were. “...you’re saying you want me to help Pinkie, um...not...uh...make out with furniture?”

Mrs. Cake clacked her hooves together in a praying gesture. “Fluttershy please, we don’t know who else to go to!”

Fluttershy took another breath and forced herself to look at Pinkie. She cleared her throat, but her voice had little presence. “...a-alright, I’ll try. She’s my friend after all, and I can’t just...leave her like this. Besides,” she plastered a reassuring smile on her face and held up her critter-aid bag, “I-it’s just a little bite, right? N-no problem!”

“Wonderful!” Mrs. Cake cried enthusiastically. Before Fluttershy could say anything else, the Cake matron flipped the store’s closed sign, yanked the blinds, and shoved Fluttershy by the rump several steps towards Pinkie. “I’m going to...to...do some chores! In...bed!” She was halfway up the stairs before she finished, “If I look like I’m asleep, that’s just how I look when I’m concentrating. But don’t disturb me because I concentrate really hard on the linens!”

With that, the subdued lighting of Sugarcube Corner’s main sales floor found itself down one pony.

Fluttershy’s eyes began to dart. She cleared her throat again and kept her voice casual. “U-um...hello there Pinkie Pie. How...are you today?”

As though she hadn’t heard a word of the conversation up until that moment, Pinkie turned halfway around. She was perspiring, and her face was a deeper shade of pink than usual. “Oh hi Fluttershy! Aren’t you gonna do something about that?”

Fluttershy balked. “I..I...y-yes, yes of course! Uhm, don’t worry, I’ll do something about...that...a-and you’ll be good as new!”

“Huh?” Pinkie obliviously tilted her head. Her hips never stopped moving, but she pointed at Fluttershy’s stomach. “I mean your tummy silly!”

Fluttershy looked down, “My...tummy?”

“Pshh, duh! What else would I be talking about?”

Fluttershy looked droll. “...oh I dunno, possibly the fact that you’re uncontrollably humping a bakery display case…”

Pinkie waved her hoof dismissively, “Aw, I heard your poor tummy growling five minutes before you got here! And you did come here, so you must be looking for something yummy, right?”

Fluttershy glanced at the door, “How could you possibly hear my tummy growling and not hear any of the rest of our conversation…”

Pinkie touched her hooves to her temples and spun them in small circles, “I have selective hearing! I only hear what I listen to!”

“Um, right,” Fluttershy tried not to unravel that bit of logic. “Umm...can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “What do you wanna talk about?”

“F-first,” Fluttershy held her forelegs out, gesturing to the display case. “Umm...would you mind maybe...coming down from there?”

Pinkie glanced down. For about five seconds she simply watched her hips grind into the edge of the case. “Oh!” She finally brightened. “Sure. One sec!” With that, Pinkie Pie launched herself into the air, flipped over twice, and came down on her hind legs behind Fluttershy, with her forelegs akimbo and her chest puffed out. “Stuck the landing, yeah!”

Fluttershy managed a smile. If Pinkie could understand her so clearly, it would only be a matter of time before she could convinced her to--

A thumping noise threw Fluttershy’s train of thought clear off the tracks. She turned around to find Pinkie lying on her side on the floor, her hind legs wide...licking herself the way a dog would.

“Pinkie Pie!!”

“Hwa?” Pinkie looked up, but otherwise did not change her posture at all. “What?”

“S-stop that!!”

Pinkie drew back her lip and raised a brow. “Fluttershy, have you ever rubbed your hooch before?”

“O-of course I...wait, what?” Fluttershy looked befuddled, and kept averting her eyes whenever she tried to make contact. “What’s a hooch?”

In a miraculous feat of contortionism, Pinkie Pie leapt to her hooves. Standing on three legs, her left hind hoof continued to dig at her stomach as best it could. “Your happy button! Your apple pie! Your Mirror Pool where little copies of yourself come from!”

“Oh, I like apple pie.”

“You don’t say!?”

Fluttershy irked, “Wait, what are we talking about again?”

Pinkie’s forelegs slapped down on Fluttershy’s shoulders. With only one leg to support her, the party pony touched muzzles with her companion, and nearly touched irises too as she spoke.

“We’re talking about how much you love apple pie!”

Fluttershy’s pupils shrank, and she stiffened when the innuendo finally registered. She stepped away, allowing Pinkie to crash to the floor. “I-I do not like apple pie! I didn’t say that!”

Pinkie, in a heap on the floor, looked up - but not before reaching a foreleg between her hind legs and going back to work. “You totally just said you did!”

Fluttershy forced her panic down and took another calming breath, holding out a foreleg and slowly lowering it. “Be that as it may, that’s not the issue we’re here to address.”

“Sour lemon drops it’s not!” Pinkie protested. She was up again in a flash, and while she spoke, she casually backed herself up against the bakery counter and began to bounce, rubbing herself up and down into it. “I had a point, you know!”

Fluttershy felt shame. “I’m sorry, of course you did. What was your point?”

Pinkie rolled her eyes to the ceiling. Her tongue was lolling out again, and the bouncing from her hindquarters intensified. “Gnnnnahhh...do you have aaaaaany idea what it’s like to scratch an itch and rub your hooch at the same time...nghhhahhh…”

Fluttershy genuinely considered the question. “I...no? Isn’t it uncomfortable?”

“Eeeeeverypony should tryyyyyyy this…” Pinkie whined. “Even the staaaaaalllionnnns....”

Fluttershy blushed. “P-Pinkie, you can’t just go around...doing that in public. You’re making things difficult for ponies. How did this happen anyway? How could you have possibly gotten a little mosquito to bite you right on your...on your...um...pie...pan.”

“My whaaaaaaaat?”

“You know what I mean!”

Pinkie’s forelegs were quivering, and she looked about ready to collapse. Somehow she managed words. “Mosquitos are attracted to blood, silly. You of all ponies should know that!”

“Yes,” Fluttershy reasoned, “but there’s no reason that they wouldn’t find one part of you more satisfying than another. That part is much harder for them to get to, and it also shouldn’t be any more appealing than the rest of you.”

Pinkie made a slick face and waggled her brows. “Are you suuuuuure about that?”

Fluttershy gasped. “W-wait, you were...you were doing that outside?”

“Like you don’t,” Pinkie chided.

“I-I don’t!!”

“Mmmhmmm…” Pinkie’s brow-waggling intensified. “Then how come your third chicken coop never has any chickens in it?”

“M-Mildred and Cornelius live in there! They don’t get out much!”

“Mildred and Cornelius were old chickens the first time you told us all that,” Pinkie sang, “Nopony has ever seen them, and that was before Twilight even came to townnnnn~”

“I-it...I...that is…” Fluttershy nearly tripped on the strap of her own bag as she took a hesitant step backwards. Her ears wilted. “I-it...chicken coops are small and cozy, a-and I like pretending--WAIT!” She sputtered, “This conversation is not about me! Pinkie you have to stop doing this, you’re scaring away Sugarcube Corner’s customers!”

Pinkie looked like she was in a state of persistent afterglow. “I caaaaaaaan’t...you just have nooooooo ideeeeeaaa...hahhh...”

Fluttershy pointed at the stairs, “Then go to your room!”

“Nooo caaaan doooo,” Pinkie cooed. “Everything’s too sliiiiick up there nowwwwww…”

“Um, eww,” Fluttershy drew back her foreleg and made a face. She yelped when Pinkie pushed off from the counter and tackled her to the ground, bringing her muzzle-to-muzzle again.

“I need friction, dammit! Friction!”

Fluttershy offered her bag as though she was about to be mugged, “I-I don’t have any of that! O-only medicines! Honest!”

Pinkie’s expression twisted into a wicked, cunning grin. She mashed her muzzle into Fluttershy’s mane and took a deep breath. “Heyyy, I’ve seen pegasi carry stuff with their wings...so they’re kinda like looooooong fingers, right....?”

“Pinkamena Pie!” Fluttershy admonished. “L-Let me up this instant!”

“Awwww,” Pinkie huffed as she rose, “Party pooper.” Shrugging it off, she trotted merrily over to the doorknob, inspected it, lit up like a spark of magic, and proceeded to do something with it that made Fluttershy check the blinds to ensure they were drawn all the way, lest somepony see and be scarred for life.

“Pinkie, I don’t know how you managed to...end up like this, but you shouldn’t be scratching a mosquito bite all the time like that. And so-” with determination she slammed her pack down on the counter, “We’re going to have to do something about it!”

Pinkie wasn’t listening, or if she was, she gave no acknowledgement. Fluttershy caught the strong scent of mare in the room and considered that if this kept up much longer, the odor might never come out. If action was going to be taken, it would have to be taken right then and there. Summoning up her courage, she rummaged through her bag, prepared her equipment, and approached Pinkie carrying an oversized cotton swab in her teeth. She spoke through it, her voice only slightly muffled by the narrow object.

“This is a special anti-itch cream for strong bug bites. It’s a cure designed for animals, but it will probably work just fine on you too...probably. I...I need you to turn around.”

“Ngahhhhh…”

Pinkie bit her lip, whimpered, stiffened...and then relaxed, though her backside never stopped enjoying the doorknob. Her entire body quivered with electric release, but she didn’t give an inch. “Uh-uh…” she shook her head, “it’s toooooo goooood...e-everytime I finish it just becomes scratching an itch until I’m ready to go agaaaaain…”

Fluttershy tried several times to find her way around Pinkie. Exasperated, she slammed one hoof down on the floor and grimaced through the cotton swab. “This is for your own good!” She declared. “Now hike that tail and present your backside right this minute, Missy!”

Pinkie swallowed through a strained breath and gurgled something incomprehensible. Finally she extradited her marehood from the doorknob, leaving it as slick as every other surface she had found pleasure upon, and begrudgingly did an about face. Tail held high, she presented herself for review. “...urrrgh...d-do it fast...I can’t stop for long…”

Fluttershy felt her cheeks warm up again as she got a clear view of her friend’s wet, engorged mareparts. She forced herself to sit, and reached her face in to apply the q-tip to Pinkie’s most sensitive spot. Her nostrils filling with scents of arousal, Fluttershy pressed on until she finally found her goal and touched the cooling cream to the little bulbous nub that was swollen both from use, and the bump a critter had recently gifted it with.

Pinkie let out a sharp, delicious cry. She bucked all four of her legs and pronked so hard that she nearly knocked herself out when her head came in contact with the ceiling. Fluttershy yelped, and found herself once again flat on her back. Shock had caused her to bite the cotton swap cleanly in half, and she was choking on the medicated end. Sputtering and flailing, she found her hooves and coughed miserably, unable to catch her breath until Pinkie repelled off of Fluttershy’s back with a great bounce, effectively ejecting the broken cotton swab from her throat.

When Fluttershy could think clearly again, she found herself leaning up against the front display case, gasping to fill her lungs. She stood upright, her ears picking up the sound of Pinkie relieving her tension against some other object.

Indignance brought a fire to Fluttershy’s eyes. The whole situation reminded her of trying to administer a vaccine to a reluctant bear. She held onto that feeling, reminding herself that this had been dubbed a ‘critter problem’. “A-alright...th-that does it! No more Missus Nicepony!”

Bolstered by her wings, Fluttershy glided across the room to her satchel. Sparing no time for preparation, she dipped her entire hoof in the anti-itch salve meant for animals and whirled back towards the room proper, brandishing her foreleg like a weapon.

“C-come here and take your medicine, critter!”

Pinkie was in the kitchen, enjoying herself with one hind leg draped over the bar handle of the oven. When Fluttershy blasted into the room in flight, the party pony stuck out her bottom lip in a pout and bounced clean overtop of her pursuer, executing a perfect leap over the counter back into the customer area.

“Nuh-uh! I don’ wanna! It’s soooooooo good!”

Fluttershy’s eyes went wide when she considered Pinkie nearing the unlocked door - and possible escape into an unsuspecting community. Adrenaline pumping through her veins, the pegasus plunged back into the main room, her wings beating with the ferocity of a mare who was trying to funnel water to Cloudsdale all by herself.

“Oh no you don’t! This is for your own good!!”

Pinkie looked as though she was on her way to the door, but she stopped short at the bakery case before the window. Fluttershy had a split-second to consider veering off, but she was already moving too quickly. Her eyes narrowed, and she choked down her hesitation. Sometimes a pony just had to take one for the team, and if that meant spearing her friend in the girlhole with her foreleg, well...so be it. Bellowing a nearly inaudible battle cry as only she could, Fluttershy tackled Pinkie Pie and bore her to the floor. The pair hurled end over end until they came up against the front window. Displays shook. Drapes rattled. A banging noise not unlike an appliance backfiring could be heard from outside, as Fluttershy shoved limbs out of the way, intent upon her goal. Pinkie bucked, kicked, and rubbed parts of herself against the pegasus that would make a palace guard’s nose bleed, but Fluttershy fought on, heedless of Pinkie’s throes of bliss. When a certain blossoming flower came into Fluttershy’s view, she stabbed it deeply with her hoof, staking the oversexed Count Pinkula just as the rays of the sun crept in to reduce her reign of sexual terror to ashes forever.

The rays of the sun…?

Fluttershy froze. The scuffle had caused the drapes to fall, and no fewer than nineteen concerned citizens of Ponyville had stopped dead in the street at what they saw. Like deer in the carriage lights, they feasted their thirty-eight eyes and hundreds of assumptions upon Pinkamena Diane Pie, on her back and nearly folded in half so her hind legs were practically brushing her mane. Looming over her was Fluttershy, everypony’s favorite beacon of purity, with her foreleg buried three inches past her fetlock in a place where pony hooves were not supposed to go. What was worse, Pinkie was grinning like a delirious idiot at the ceiling...and her hips were still slowly pumping.

Fluttershy’s blood turned to ice water. Her sensibilities shattered and she turned to dive behind the counter, but found her foreleg rooted to the spot. Yanking like mad served no purpose other than to tickle Pinkie’s fancy and fill the observers with gossip aplenty.

“Wh-what in Equestria--” Fluttershy yanked again, but Pinkie’s muscles held firm. “--h-how are you...d-do you keep a bear trap in here!?”

Given Pinkie Pie could fly with her tail and outpace the greatest meteorologists with her trick knees, it wasn’t completely outside the realm of possibility. Fluttershy could feel stares from outside still searing her coat. She turned, helpless, and flailed her other foreleg at the window.

“Th-this isn’t what it looks like!! It was a medical scene! I-I mean, it was medical! A medical thing! For her well-being!” Fluttershy faltered, “N-not that kind of well-being, I mean she had a bump on her thing, and I needed to put the stuff on it because she’s enjoying it too much!!”

Several exasperated mares turned away in disgust. A few stallions cast lingering glances before doing so as well, and at least two teenage colts had to be dragged away by their mothers.

When the last pair of eyes was finally off of her, Fluttershy folded like a house of cards, collapsing on the floor in an exhausted, hungry, mortified heap. “...pretty please can I have my hoof back now…”

“Ooohoooooo…” Pinkie Pie moaned. Her forelegs were bent before her like a praying mantis, and her eyes were a million miles away. “Sooo itttchyyy…”

Fluttershy tried again to extract herself from her friend’s silky insides. Once again she failed, and was left with no choice but to drag Pinkie behind the counter, grunting with every tug as she went. She nearly tripped over the contents of her satchel in the process, which had been scattered in the struggle. On the floor was the small tub of healing salve. It was overturned, and as Fluttershy bent down to reach for it, she caught sight of the label stuck to the bottom. She read aloud.

“‘Note. Dry area thoroughly before application. This product is significantly less effective when applied to moist skin or coat.’” She rolled her eyes. “Yes, well, that might have been good to know ahead of time!!”

Sighing, Fluttershy considered her options while trying not to wiggle inside of Pinkie, who was encouraged enough already. Despair creeped into Fluttershy’s thoughts - the inebriated pink pony was still her friend after all, and the natural need to make her feel better was still there.

“N-no!” Fluttershy declared, “I can’t let her down now, but...what am I supposed to do if this didn’t work? I don’t have anything stronger..” She glanced down, and as if in response to her question, the label presented more text. She read further.

“‘If area cannot be properly dried, mix product with basic unicorn magic in the following manner--’”

Fluttershy’s eyes continued where her lips cut off. She gasped slightly, and then glanced at her connection with Pinkie Pie. She tried one more time.

“Can I please have my hoof back?”

Moaning was her only reply.

Fluttershy’s mind was made up. The instructions were clear, and there was only one thing left to do. She spent the next five minutes twisting and turning until both she and Pinkie were on their hooves again, and managed to repack her kit with her mouth and one foreleg only. She was starting to lose feeling in her hoof, so time was of the essence. It wouldn’t do to be seen traipsing up to the Palace of Friendship with her leg stuffed in her best friend’s happy place, thus, only one recourse was available.

Fluttershy tapped Pinkie’s rump lightly. “Um, come on, we need to slip out the back…”

“Ngahh...you go ahead…” Pinkie muttered, “Ima scraaaaaatchhh…”

Fluttershy sighed and began rummaging through her pack. ”I can’t believe I’m doing this, but…”

The sunny pegasus came up with a leash and collar. It was not her way to use such things, but she carried it in her first-aid pack to help restrain and soothe recalcitrant animals when there was no other recourse to apply their care. Fully aware of the connotations, she clipped the collar around Pinkie’s neck, took the leash in her teeth, and gently snapped it to let Pinkie know it was there.

“Can I have my hoof back now...um...pet…?”

Pinkie’s gaping intensified. Obediently she let go, sat down, and began panting. Fluttershy cradled her hoof and began to tug on the leash.

“O-okay sweetie, um...let’s go take care of your itchy...okay?”

“Itchyyyy...nngahh…”

Pinkie began to back up into the counter again. Fluttershy was ready for it this time; she yanked her charge forward and dragged her into the kitchen as she put her plan into action. ‘H-heel! Come! I mean like a dog! I mean...just follow me!!”

Fluttershy was en pointe. The moment she entered the kitchen, she swept an egg timer off of a shelf, set it for seven seconds, and without pausing to allow herself to think about what she was doing, crammed it like a live grenade right into Pinkie’s channel and secured it with a small quantity of bandage tape.

Pinkie Pie turned her head, casually watching the determined pegasus work. “Um, does this mean we’re special friends now? Because I gotta be honest, I usually say hello by shaking hooves or busting out of a cake, so...waitaminnute, is this how ponies say hello now? Is this a new trend? Do I have to start carrying things around with me to shove up everypony’ssssssGAHHHhhahhh…!!”

With a satisfied smile, Fluttershy stood and brushed off her hooves. “There. That should hold you until we get where we need to go.

Pinkie’s grin was ridiculous. She yanked on the leash a bit, the buzzing timer lulling her back into happy puppy mode. Finally she fell in with her ‘handler’ and marched towards the back door.

Fluttershy paused when she placed her hoof on the door. There was a series of back streets she could use to get where she was going. Nopony would be on them. Probably. Maybe. Maybe...nopony would be walking around...town...in the middle of the afternoon…

Fluttershy’s ears perked, and she slapped her forehead. The egg timer was vibrating away like it was supposed to...but she had forgotten to silence the audible alarm.

“This...this is going to be fine…” She assured herself as she pushed on the door. “We’re just, going for a walk. With a leash. And with tape on Pinkie’s butt. And...and with a strange ringing sound, and...m-maybe nopony will notice...oh dear...”

Fluttershy would do anything for a friend. She held a hoof over her heart and went out.

* * * * *

The clandestine, covert operations mission through the winding streets of Ponyville was fraught with peril, but Fluttershy emerged proud of herself. In the span of fifteen minutes, she had managed to convince two elderly mares, a family of six, and the distinguished stallion with the bowler hat from down the lane that Pinkie was auditioning for the part of Trotto the dog in next month’s production of The Wizard of Oats, and required practice in front of an audience. Pinkie had taken to the part with an unnerving grace, and her pegasus handler was quite grateful that the masses thought only to applaud Pinkie for her skill as a thespian.

Yanking Pinkie’s tail down had been something Fluttershy could blame on an actor’s posture, but the incessantly chiming egg timer had been another story. Fluttershy’s arsenal of excuses had included drowning the sound out by clearing her throat until flu remedies were suggested, ordering Pinkie to ‘speak’, or calling upon her errant feathered bird-friends to blanket the area in shrill birdsong. Fluttershy had even had to go as far as to burst into high-pitched song herself once, in front of a small audience no less, when the birds hadn’t been fast enough.

By the time the pair reached their destination, they had been so delayed by excuses that Fluttershy was tense from fear that the chime (and thus the vibration) would cease. Without the timer, Horny Pie would be unleashed upon an unsuspecting populace. Pinkie’s pegasus handler was dizzy, tense, hungry, and very much in need of a fainting couch.

Thankfully she had come to the right place.

Fluttershy’s sun-kissed hoof came down upon the door to the Carousel Boutique six times before she remembered to call out. “Rarity? Rarity, are you home? Oh please be home…”

Pinkie joined in, cheerfully bashing the door with her forehead repeatedly. Fluttershy thought to warn her that she might hurt herself - then she remembered all the times she’d seen Pinkie Pie defy the laws of physics. She thought that maybe it was a good thing for Pinkie to have anything on her mind that was not scratching herself...even if that ‘something else’ was a wooden door.

“--moment!” A muffled, but unmistakable voice replied. “One moment please!”

The door swung open, and the entryway was instantly filled by Rarity’s perfect posture. A towel was wrapped snugly on her head, her coat was damp, and she smelled of lavender - much to the relief of Fluttershy’s burdened muzzle.

“Dear me, one might suspect a fashion emergency on the scale of an entire village falling prey to the terror of neon green, polkadotted culottes with such relentless knocking! I do believe I have a closed sign out as I have plans this afternoon, so if you’re here for a fitting I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to--wait, Fluttershy?” Rarity paused to take the scene in, and her brow knitted with confusion. “And Pinkie Pie? And...goodness, what is all this about?”

“It’s a long story,” Fluttershy panted. “May we please come in?”

Rarity noticed the collar and her ear twitched as it filled with a curious chiming noise. “This isn’t really something to do with a fashion emergency on the scale of an entire village falling prey to the terror of neon green, polkadotted culottes, is it? Because the last time that happened I distinctly remember garish collar accessories being involved.”

“Really?” Fluttershy blinked and shook her head, “I-I mean Rarity! Please! There isn’t much time left!!”

“Alright, alright,” Rarity stood aside and ushered her friends in, replacing the door behind them. “You home is my home of course, darlings. But whatever is the matter? Are musical leashes ‘in’ this month and I somehow didn’t get the memo?”

Fluttershy was stroking Pinkie’s mane soothingly. “There’s no time to explain! I need your horn!”

Rarity went cross-eyed glancing up at her own ivory horn, which was peeking out from under the towel. “My horn?”

“Uh, your magic I mean,” Fluttershy appended. “Oh my, even I’m starting to sound crass…”

Rarity removed the towel, and it came as no surprise to anypony in the room that her mane miraculously emerged in the same curly pomp as always. She shook some of the dampness off of her head and smiled. “Of course dear, you know I’ll help you both. But I’m surprised you would come to me. My magic is geared towards the fabulous - Twilight’s is certainly more, shall we say...interdisciplinary?”

“No, no!” Fluttershy squeaked. “We can’t just trot right through the center of town. I only need just the most basic magic, can you please help us…?”

Rarity began to look concerned. “Certainly, if what you require is within my power. Can I get you both some tea? Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie, whose entire body was vibrating in time with the kitchen implement taped inside her, turned slowly. her maniacal gaze melted into Rarity’s view, and the unicorn felt a shiver run down her spine. Pinkie seemed about to speak, but instead she wrenched herself from Fluttershy’s grasp, trotted over, and licked Rarity straight up her face, right between the eyes. She then proceeded to sit on the floor, panting and scratching behind her ear with a hind hoof.

“Wha-huh!?” Rarity sputtered, “P-Pinkie Pie, I just took a bath! What in Equestria is…?” She glanced down at Pinkie, “Fluttershy...did somepony do something to Pinkie Pie’s brain?”

“I’ve been asking that for years…” Fluttershy muttered, and then more loudly: “I mean, yes! Sort of, in a manner of speaking...it wasn’t a pony exactly though…”

Rarity couldn’t help but reach out to pat Pinkie between the ears. Pinkie rubbed into the pat and cooed, her rump still emitting strange ringing noises. “Well then, however can I help?”

Fluttershy looked manic. “P-Pinkie she…”

“Yes?”

“S-she...she has a…”

“She has a what, darling?”

“She has a mosquito bite!!” Fluttershy moaned. She then leapt behind Rarity’s couch and cowered, her mind reeling with images from Sugarcube Corner. “Oh, the poor thing! It’s so awful!”

Rarity raised a brow. “...uh-huh. A terrible...mosquito bite. And you want me to do what exactly?”

Fluttershy had her forelegs on her head and did not look up. “You have to help me heal her before it’s too late!!”

Rarity felt a strange sensation. She looked down to find Pinkie Pie sensually suckling on her hoof, which she pulled away in a flourish. “Gah!” Rarity took several steps away from Pinkie Dog and gaped. “How in all the lights on all the runways in all the fashion shows in Equestria does a mosquito bite cause this sort of behavior?”

At that moment, the egg timer stopped ringing. Fluttershy shut her eyes tightly and cringed.

“Oh no, it’s too late!! Run for cover!”

“What? Why?”

Rarity turned her head just quickly enough to catch the spasm of lunging movement from a pink body as it hurtled towards her. Shrieking, she managed to duck and allow the pony projectile to pass harmlessly over her head, none the worse for wear save for a wet egg timer that subsequently bapped her on the noggin. She spared but a glance on it, her eyes widening in terror as she watched Pinkie bounce liberally to and fro amidst a group of mannequins, rubbing up against them in a manner unbefitting...everypony, really.

“Th-that...stop!! Unhand my fall line!!” Rarity galloped to the rescue, “Pinkie Pie, stains like that don’t come out of chintz!!”

Fluttershy did an army crawl under the couch to retrieve the satchel she had lost while hitting the deck. She yanked it open with her teeth, rummaged about for the salve, came up with it quickly, and peered over the couch like a bunker. “She has a mosquito bite on her hooch!”

Rarity was desperately ensorcelling various fabrics to save them from sexual depravity. “What in the world is a hooch??”

Fluttershy recited - ‘Your happy button! Your apple pie! Your Mirror Pool where little copies of yourself come from!’

Rarity executed a graceful dive under Pinkie, yanking a silk sash off of a mannequin before the earth pony could ride it like the horse it was designed to resemble. “I love apple pie!” She shouted. “What are we talking about again!?”

Fluttershy faltered, “U-uhm...uhmm...h-her...mare place!”

Rarity paused. “...darling you can’t be serious, how did Pinkie Pie get a mosquito bite on her--”

“CATCH!”

Fluttershy hurled the tub of salve through the air. Seconds became infinite as it hurtled in an arc, threatening to splatter against the floor, until Rarity mercifully nabbed it in her magic and brought it close. She examined the label and froze so hard that Fluttershy couldn’t help but react.

“Is everything okay!? The directions say all you have to do is apply it and cast some simple unicorn magic, and it will work on a moist area!”

Rarity’s jaw dropped. She was so transfixed that she didn’t even notice what Pinkie Pie was doing to her drapes. “...Fluttershy, that’s not how this works…”

Fluttershy emerged from the couch, looking confused. “It isn’t? But that’s what the directions say. Have you used extra-strength, veterinary-grade anti-itch cream before?”

“As a matter of fact I have, dear,” Rarity swallowed. “Once, well...it was a long time ago. I was a filly and Sweetie Belle was barely a spark in the world. I was foalsitting her while our parents were out and I didn’t change her properly. She ended up with an unpleasantly itchy diaper rash, and in my desire to not be admonished for my failings, I went out looking for the strongest salve I could find.”

Fluttershy tilted her head. “Okay, so what’s the matter?”

“You...you have to…” Rarity blushed. “To use this on a moist area, you have to apply it to your horn, cast a basic cooling spell, and...well...apply liberally to the affected area.”

“...you’re kidding.”

“I’m not.”

Fluttershy laughed weakly. “W-well that’s...that’s not the end of the world, right? I mean, you know, it’s for a friend and all that, and um…”

Rarity couldn’t make eye contact. “Fluttershy, I don’t expect you to understand because you’re not a unicorn, but, you see...unicorn horns are...well...how do I best put this…excessively sensit--”

Rarity never completed the thought. Knocked prone by another Pinkie-sortie, her magical aura winked out, the salve tumbling to the ground where it rolled until it bumped innocuously against one of Fluttershy’s hooves. The pink blur shot towards the kitchen, and Fluttershy cringed at what it left in its wake. What shreds of clothing remained upon Rarity’s mannequins made them all look as though they had just come from a bondage dungeon, and the lewd positions they just happened to find themselves arranged in didn’t help to dispel the notion. Canvas though they were, Fluttershy still turned away and offered them an apology for peeping.

Rarity sat up and gazed towards the kitchen. “Wh-what is she going to do in there!?”

“Um, probably something with a spatula and a turkey baster that we don’t want to know about…” Fluttershy muttered as she idly kicked the tub of salve between her hooves.

“Fluttershy, how can you be so calm!?”

“...I’m not calm, I’m overwhelmed and I don’t want to end up with my foreleg stuck in Pinkie’s bear trap again…”

“Beg pardon?” Rarity shook her head, “No, nevermind! This is a disaster! Today my boutique, tomorrow - the world! We have to stop this!”

Fluttershy looked apologetic. She flinched twice at the sound of moaning and crashing noises from the kitchen. “And if Pinkie gets out of your shop, we may not be able to get her under control again before she scars somepony for life or gets arrested or something…”

“Right!” Rarity held one hoof out and slapped it with the other. “Then the line simply must be drawn here!”

Fluttershy retrieved the salve and held it up. “Um, so…”

Rarity balked. “U-unless we have to do it like that. I tried to explain this before, but there...well there just has to be another way, I’m certain…”

Fluttershy sighed inwardly. She was hungry, tired, and quite certain that half the population of Ponyville now had her pegged for an exhibitionist with a bizarre fetish for store windows. With a deadpan look, she simply pointed towards the menage-a-mannequins that was once Rarity’s work area. Rarity followed the gesture and stopped cold. Fluttershy considered shoving the fainting couch into place behind her friend, but Rarity rose slowly to her hooves and stayed on them, a blood vessel in her forehead twitching as she went.

Rarity took three deep, even breaths. Without looking at Fluttershy, she spoke.

“You do realize how on it is right now, don’t you Fluttershy?”

Fluttershy cringed. “P-Pinkie didn’t mean it, she can’t help herself...someponies just react differently to bug bites…very differently I guess...”

“I know that dear,” Rarity said with surprising composure. “Therefore what I do now, I do for the good of all Equestria.” She turned sharply, boring her stare into Fluttershy so hard that the pegasus backed away a step. “Lather me up. I’m going in.”

“Oh, thank you,” Fluttershy brightened and instinctively began to apply the salve to Rarity’s horn. “I-if you don’t mind me saying Rarity, you’re handling what Pinkie...did to your designs really well…”

Rarity’s expression was hewn from granite. “Delayed reaction is still delayed, dear.”

Fluttershy shuddered to think what said reaction would be. “I-if you’re not back in five minutes, I’ll bring your couch.”

Rarity raised a brow and made a clearly unamused face. “Oh, I don’t think so darling. You see, you brought her here. So you’re going to be helping too.”

Fluttershy sat the salve down and blinked. “B-but what can I do? I don’t have a horn.”

In a huff, Rarity strode through the mess of her work station and ensorcelled an object behind a bench. It was a plain cardboard box. Fluttershy looked on in curiosity as Rarity used her magic to open the box - and then gasped as the elegant unicorn presented a strap on-rubber phallus, in the shape of a very well-endowed griffon.

“Don’t even try to tell me you don’t know what this is, or claim you don’t have something of your own like it somewhere in your cottage,” Rarity said simply.

Fluttershy blushed and averted her eyes to the carpet. “Wh-what are you going to do with it though…”

Rarity stepped up to her friend, and without a word, used her magic to arrange and tighten the toy such that Fluttershy now had an unorthodox forehead ‘horn’ of her own. Fluttershy went cross-eyed trying to look up at it.

“...why do I have a p-peni--thing on my head?”

Rarity didn’t flinch. “Oh please. It’s no different from what you do in your third chicken coop.”

“I-I don’t-!!” Fluttershy flailed, the toy bouncing liberally on her head. “M-Mildred and Cornelius live in there! H-how many times do I have to tell everypony--!!”

Rarity reached out and calmly placed a hoof on Fluttershy’s lips, quieting her. “You’re really not fooling anypony dear, but that’s beside the point.” The pegasus yelped as Rarity grabbed hold of her and spun her towards the kitchen, smacking her once lightly on the rump. “You’re bait, dear. If I’m going to use my head, so are you!”

Fluttershy suddenly found herself in the Carousel Boutique’s kitchen. The room was a disaster of scattered utensils, bowls, and spilled condiments, such that it resembled her own kitchen as she had seen it after once allowing a pack of wild hyenas to stay in her house for a night. In the center of it all, her tail coiled up like a rattlesnake, was Pinkie Pie. Pinkie’s upper body was plastered against the floor, while her rump and hind legs were standing tall, pumping her mareness against a leg of the breakfast table. She had a glassy look in her eyes and was emitting a constant stream of dreamy giggles; her breath so hot it was visible.

Fluttershy grabbed a serving tray and held it protectively before herself. She made a futile attempt at a griffon mating call before realizing she had no idea what that would sound like, and then grinned nervously. “H-hello Pinkie, um...I was just in the neighborhood and I thought um...uh..” She pointed at the toy on her head with her eyes alone, “Maybe you’d like to, um...uh…” Her voice dropped to a whisper as she hissed at the doorway behind her, “Rarity what do I say!?”

“I don’t know!” Rarity hissed back. “Certainly I’ve never tried to woo a friend with a sex toy on my head either! Talk about her eyes! Her smile! Her...her skill with frosting! Just distract her!”

Pinkie rose. With a saunter and a sly look, she began to close the distance.

“Sh-she’s looking at me…!” Fluttershy whimpered. “Sh-she’s coming this way! I-I might never get my leg back if it ends up in there again! I don’t want to have to cut my leg off, Rarity!!”

Rarity whispered encouragingly, “Just ask yourself, what would Fluttershy do?”

“B-but I am Fluttershy!!”

“Exactly! And what would you do?”

Fluttershy wracked her brain, perspiration beading on her brow. Pinkie was inching closer like a love-starved changeling, intent upon scratching her poor friend into oblivion.

Fluttershy’s eyes darted around. And then she saw it.

Exploding into action, the room’s only pegasus spread her wings and used the extra lift to enhance a vault towards Pinkie’s flank. The pet leash was still firmly attached to Pinkie’s collar, and Fluttershy wrapped it thrice around her foreleg before Pinkie whirled on her. Fluttershy tugged on the leash and bobbed her head, the griffon toy bounding like a cobra.

“H-heeeeere puppy puppy,” Fluttershy stammered indicating again her pervycorn headgear. “U-um...got a, uh...nice little...um...you know...oh please don’t let the drapes fall down again…”

For an instant, Pinkie looked as though she was going to leap upon her prey and ruin Fluttershy for marriage. Instead, with her eyes fixed on Fluttershy’s extension, Pinkie followed her into the center of the kitchen, reared back, and--

--sat, panting like a puppy, her tail going sixty miles a minute. Pinkie began to bat at her handler, fervently licking Fluttershy’s cheek.

“Oh my, um, eh heh...down puppy, down!” Fluttershy slipped into animal mode and actually laughed a little, “Come on now, I’m happy to see you too!”

Pinkie began to push harder. With a yelp, Fluttershy found herself flat on her back, her legs hanging uselessly in the air. Pinkie was atop her, pinning her down as she went to work on the griffon toy. Pinkie eagerly enveloped the toy with her lips until she was practically kissing Fluttershy’s forehead, pulled off, and then returned to the task again, each stroke longer and more sensual than the last. Fluttershy simply lay there and did her best to watch Pinkie at work. She found that despite her hold on Pinkie’s leash, she was quite helpless.

When she woke that morning, the last thing Fluttershy ever expected to be doing by afternoon was lying on Rarity’s kitchen floor with a sex toy strapped to her head, while one of her best friends was liberally pleasuring said toy. Pinkie was rubbing herself up against one of Fluttershy’s prone hind legs, and the pegasus found that not only could she do very little about it, but it stopped bothering her after a moment or two. Though she was as healthy as any other young pony with regards to ‘private time’, Fluttershy had never actually witnessed one of her friends so lost in the act of pleasure before. She batted her bedroomy eyelashes and fell silent, her cheeks aflame and her ears twitching with the sounds of suckling and whimpering.

“...uh...I...gee I didn’t know you have no gag reflex, Pinkie Pie...must be all those extra large rock candy sticks…I guess, um...i-if you really want to do that so badly, I can, um...you know, just lay here for awhile long--”

The sound of clacking hooves galloping across the tile floor broke Fluttershy’s fixation. A positively fabulous battle cry followed.

“In the name of the many poor ensembles who did not survive this day, have at thee, sting that holds my friend in its thrall!!”

Rarity, head bowed in a jousting posture, charged Pinkie and stabbed her wetted channel so deeply that the pink pony yelped and was shoved clean off of Fluttershy. The pegasus ended up with a random knee to the chin as the sprawling melee crashed overtop of her. She coughed and sputtered, free of the din, and sat up as she felt the sensation of the coiled leash leaving her.

“Rarity? Rarity! Did you do it!?”

Moaning was the only reply Fluttershy received. When she found her hooves, the sight before her eyes was enough to make her gape.

Pinkie Pie was back on all four hooves, though her rear was once again higher than her head. She was panting hard and cooing, shuddering all over as though she might collapse at any moment. Her floofy tail was spilling all over Rarity’s shoulders. The unicorn was up too; her head bowed and her horn rooting Pinkie, blooming flower and all, to the spot.

“R-Rarity…?” Fluttershy ventured. “I think...I think you did it, you don’t have to keep…”

Rarity’s voice was strained. “...ngh...I did try to warn y-you d-darling...a-about the sensitivity of unicorn...horns…”

“Horrrrrny horrrrrrns~” Pinkie whined as she ground her rump back into Rarity’s face.

Fluttershy tried in vain to find somewhere else to look. “You...can’t you just stop?”

Rarity’s legs began to feel like wet spaghetti. She daintily lowered herself to the floor as Pinkie’s rump pushed on her head, urging her down. “You don’t exactly u-understand dear...I’ve been too busy to um, satisfy myself lately, and even then, you really have no idea just what it feels like to...with your horn...oh dear, nghh…”

“Oh,” Fluttershy reasoned. “Is that why there were stallion toys in the box too?”

Rarity nodded weakly. Pinkie was nearly sitting up straight; she spun around, the horn still inside her, until she could lean her upper back against a wall and stroke Rarity’s mane with both hooves. “Mmmh...ribbed for her pleasure and juuuuust the right size!” Pinkie glanced at Fluttershy and grinned wide. “Unicorns! Who knew, right?”

“Pinkie? Are you um...Pinkie again?”

“Psh, oh sure,” Pinkie waved a hoof dismissively, “Of course I’m Pinkie! I mean what other pony would I be, right?”

“So it...doesn’t itch anymore?”

“Nope!”

It occurred to Fluttershy that she was having a casual conversation with an earth pony who was in horn-coitus with a unicorn she was also sitting on. She watched Pinkie slide down the wall further, her hind legs rising prone as she continued to stroke Rarity’s head.

“Ohhhh yeahhh...that’s the stuff right there…”

Rarity whined in a pitch so high, Fluttershy wondered if ponies without her affinity for animal conversation could even hear it. She glanced at the door.

“W-well! Um...I can see you both have everything under control here, so I guess...uh...problem solved, right? S-sooo...I’m gonna...go, I guess…”

“Are you gonna go outside with a griffon penis attached to your head?” Pinkie observed. “How come you have a griffon penis on your head anyway? Is it like a perverted alicorn costume or something? Are you going to a bondage party where you get to pretend to be a princess?”

Fluttershy couldn’t come up with a decent reply. She turned to leave, but she felt a hoof on her rump that gave her pause.

“Hey,” Pinkie said more softly. “You don’t have to go. I mean what’s already happening is already happening, right? Ngh…”

Fluttershy stiffened and peered at the door. “I don’t want to interrupt you both. B-besides, I have um...chickens to feed...”

Pinkie began to caress Fluttershy’s backside. “I can see your girlhole, and it says you don’t really want to gooooo~”

Rarity could feel rivulets of moisture running down her head, but the soft glow of her horn persisted, and she found she didn’t care. “...sh-she’s quite right d-darling...y-you’re hardly an interrupt-tion…”

Fluttershy turned back around, and quickly found herself riveted by Pinkie’s eyes as the earth pony’s caress moved to her cheek instead. Pinkie’s smile was a dangerous thing, and her pegasus companion was no more aware of that fact than at the moment.

“I bet you get lonely in that chicken coop,” Pinkie whispered as she undid the strap-on and removed it from Fluttershy’s head. “You’ve been trying to help me all day! You should let me help you some, because we both know that’s where you’re gonna go after you leave here anyway.”

“In broad daylight!?” Fluttershy irked, “I wouldn’t go out there in--I mean I don’t--!!”

Pinkie leaned in and silenced Fluttershy’s complaint with a kiss. “Shhh,” She cooed. “You don’t have to go out there either way, right?”

Fluttershy closed her eyes. Feeling helpless, she waited for a second kiss. When it didn’t come, she opened her eyes to find that Pinkie had, of all things, fitted the strapping boytoy over her own head.

Fluttershy made a face. “What are you doing?”

Pinkie slid all the way down the wall until she was lying on her back, Rarity’s head still buried between her legs. She grinned again - the rubber drakehood spire standing tall. The insinuation was obvious, even to Fluttershy.

Fluttershy looked between her friends. “Ummm...is this really okay?”

“I c-can’t see the harm c-considering what you’ve...already seen dear…” Rarity managed. “Y-you know what they say about what happens in Los Pegasus...ngh...a-and you’re among friends…”

“You saw me rub up against like every single thing that exists today!” Pinkie added. “It’s too late to be all embarrassed about it now!”

“You really owe the Cakes an apology,” Fluttershy admonished.

“I know, and they’ll totally get the bestest, biggest one ever! But for now,” Pinkie let out a delicious sigh and reclined on the floor, pulling up a scattered oven mitt to rest her head on. “You totally know you want to.”

Fluttershy huffed. “And you’re going to help Rarity clean up and fix her outfits?”

“Totally!”

Fluttershy managed a tiny smile. She was quite tense, after all. Trying to look nonchalant, she closed her eyes, swung a hind leg over Pinkie’s face, and rested one hoof against the wall for support. She checked twice to make certain the blinds were in place this time, wrapped her foreleg up in Pinkie’s leash, and gave it another firm tug.

“Well...alright then. Since you’re such a good puppy.”

Rarity cried out. Pinkie Pie barked.

The afternoon went on.

* * * * *

Sometime after dinner, three mares, representing the three tribes of Equestria, sat around a breakfast nook table in the recently cleaned kitchen of Ponyville’s opulent Carousel Boutique. One was busy devouring leftovers, while the remaining two partially hid themselves behind mugs of hot coffee.

“W-well then, so…” Rarity began, her eyes dueling with Fluttershy’s for a safe place to put them. “Now I suppose you...learned something new about unicorn horns.”

Fluttershy flexed her wings and stretched, sighing with the effort, “Um...they’re not all that different from the space between pegasi wings really…”

“Or our cutie marks!” Pinkie added as she finished cleaning a plate with her tongue. “Hey...how come we have so many spots like that?”

“I’m sure I have no idea,” Rarity replied, “but if it’s nature’s idea of a joke, you can be sure I’ll be having a conversation with the management when I meet my maker some day.”

Fluttershy touched the tip of the jar of anti-itch salve and sent it scooting across the table towards Pinkie. “Do you remember what you’re supposed to do?”

“Sure I do!” Pinkie recited, “‘once a day is not necessary!’”

“Twice a day,” Fluttershy corrected, “and as necessary.”

“And Pinkie dear,” Rarity added, “Do keep it dry down there at least for a few days, won’t you? I’m not sure Ponyville, or for that matter the rest of Equestria, is quite ready for an uncontrolled relapse.”

“Uh-huh,” Pinkie grinned. “I didn’t hear you complaining!”

Rarity coughed. “Be that as it may, we must look to the greater good. Can you imagine what would have happened had we not stopped this here and now?”

Fluttershy’s ears flattened, “She might have knocked over every tree in the forest, and the poor critters would all have no place to live…”

“What!?” Pinkie gaped, “My libido isn’t a natural disaster, you know!!”

“The point is,” Rarity cut in, “we should just bury this entire situation and never speak of it to anypony. Are we in agreement?”

“Same time next thursday like we talked about still though?” Pinkie asked eagerly.

“Ahem, yes well,” Rarity twitched and took a sip from her empty mug, “We’re all busy ponies and we get stressed from time to time, so...so I suppose there would be...no harm in that.”

“Mmhmm,” Fluttershy muttered, eyes closed and daintily sipping from her own mug.

“Would anypony care for fruit or dessert?” Rarity offered.

Pinkie sprang from her seat and stretched every limb. “Ohh boy, relief is great! I have so much energy now, I’m ready to go break up the mannequin fashion orgy!!”

A loud smack against the floor perked the ears of both pegasus and earth pony. Pinkie looked confused, but Fluttershy didn’t flinch as the two of them viewed Rarity, who had fainted and toppled backwards along with her chair onto the floor.

“Delayed reaction,” Fluttershy said simply.

“Ohhhhhh,” Pinkie observed. “Hey, about that chicken coop--”

Without looking up from her drink, Fluttershy held up a silencing hoof, which also held the leash and collar Pinkie had been wearing earlier. “You’ll find out.”

Pinkie pointed at her noggin. “Should I wear the head thingie again?”

“...yes please.”

Luna’s grace bathed the sleepy hamlet of Ponyville in pale light from on high. Somewhere within her borders, a mosquito looked forward to a brand new day.