The No-No Square

by Flutterpriest

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Anon, Trixie, Second Person, Comedy, Sex
Length: 2663

In a world where there is no such thing as "private parts", Anon just wants to get laid. So, he makes a simple little prayer for ponies to have genitals. To his horror, it worked.

In a world where there is no such thing as "private parts", Anon just wants to get laid. So, he makes a simple little prayer for ponies to have genitals. To his horror, it worked.

Published 2017-06-30 19:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-30 19:40:06 UTC

A Funny Feeling Down Under

You lay on your marefriend's bed. This is it. Finally. After five long weeks, you can tell that tonight is the big night. You took Trixie out to a nice meal, the two of you laughed at the cinema, and then ended the evening counting the stars on a soft blanket. Then, she invited you back to your wagon.

Now you're looking down at the way you're laying, and hyper focus on how you're positioned. If you're gonna get some tonight, you better do it right. It'll be your first time in Equestria getting some horse action. And while a part of you was disgusted by the fact that it's with a pony, it's better than that homemade marshmallow pussy pocket that you made. You shiver, remembering that dark day, and the resulting shower.

Anyway, you decide that laying on your side, one leg propped up, one leg straight gives you maximum dong exposure, even with your pants on. You've slightly unbuttoned your shirt. How much lip biting is too much? Is this sexy? Or are you just being a try hard.

Then, from the bathroom, you hear the rustle of a doorknob. You take a deep breath and try to calm your nerves. Okay, Anon. Don't get distracted. Do this shit right.

The door opens, And a smiling Trixie steps out, wearing a purple pajama suit. It seems, above all things, comfy. Hardily lingerie. Huh. Maybe Ponies have different measures of sexiness. Maybe this IS sexy for her... OH GOD. YOU'RE BEING HORRIBLE THEN. SAY SOMETHING!

"Hey there, Sexy," you say, putting a sultriness in your tone. In reality, it probably sounded something closer to a fat kid seeing a choco-taco, but being a quarter short, but your intentions are not lost on The Great and Powerful Trixie. She blushes before looking away.

"Hey there, yourself," she replies, moving to the bed. "Sleeping in your clothes?"

"Heh, you could say that..."

"It would be pretty uncomfortable, but Trixie understands. It can get chilly at night."

"Well then," you reply stroking the bed covers. "I can think of a way to help keep you warm."

"You do?" she says, playing the coy card. Trixie crosses the room and pulls back the covers, casting you a half-lidded gaze.

Daaaaamn girl, right to the action? Well shit. Let's kick this pig.

You pull the covers back and Trixie jumps in with you. The covers come back up, and you feel the warmth of the pony beside you begin to warm the bed. You run a hand behind her back, pulling her close to you, and you feel the softness of the fabric covering where the fun really is. To be honest, you gotta figure out where she got it, but that's for another time. Penis is in control now. Now is the time to hump this pony like a sex-deprived twenty-something.

"Well, Anon," Trixie says, her voice becoming wistful and breathy. "I had no idea you wanted to sleep so closely."

"I want you," you whisper in her ear.

And just like that, she's putty in your hands. She breathes a quiet sensual sigh. Your teeth lightly grip her ear as you feel her warm breath against your shirt. Your penis brain yells at you 'LET'S GET THIS PARRRRTTYY STARTED!' and you let your hands begin to wander.

Your left hand finds the elastic band of her sleep pants and begin to move down, massaging as you do so. You can feel the soft, gentle fur of her short coat running though your fingers. and then the tightness between her legs, and you move down further to....

Nothing.

You pause, searching around as if you lost something inside of a sewer drain. 'Where go Vagina?' asks your penis brain.

"Uhm, Anon?" Trixie asks. "What are you doing?"

"Uh," you say. "I'm looking for your... uh."

"My what?" Trixie asks, pulling away.

"Your lady bits."

Trixie stares at you blankly, her head tilting slightly to one side and cocking one eyebrow.

"You know. Pussy. Vagina. A cunt. You know."

"No. What in Equestria are you talking about?" she asks.

You take a deep breath as you sit up in bed. She follows suit as you place a hand on your face.

"Trixie, how do ponies have babies?" you ask.

"Uh, the stork. Duh. Everypony knows that."

"Do you mean, in the literal sense that there is a magical bird-"

"Who comes and delivers fillies and foals to parents at the hospital. Yes!"

"Oh god," you mutter, feeling your body begin to grow hot. "I thought it was just... a joke."

"Wait, I don't understand. What are you-"

"I HAVE TO GO!" You scream in embarrassment, and charge out of the wagon.

You arrive at your home and slam the door behind you.

"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THEY DIDN'T HAVE GENITALS?!" you scream, throwing punches at the air. "I FINALLY was about to get some ACTION! I even TRIED for a REAL RELATIONSHIP and shit."

You fall to your knees. Feeling tears form in your eyes.

"I was finally doing it all right. What did I do to deserve this?"

Your eyes look to the ceiling.

"God, what did I do to deserve this? All I wanted to do was get laid. That's it. And now I live in a candy world of horses where I can't even get that..."

You fold your hands, so desperate for some tail that you're willing to pray.

"Please. Put something in between their legs. Something. Anything. Even if it's a butt hole. Hell, I'll even try pegging. Like, once. Last time I asked for a blowie, the pony threw up for a week. I need something. Just throw me a bone."

Yet, as you stare at the ceiling. There's no response.

"Well, I guess that fills my quota of overdramatics for the month," you sigh, trying to get off the ground. "I could try collecting the cum and cooking it into cupcakes or something. I might be that fucked up now."

However, right at that moment, halfway across Equestria, two Princesses were looking deep into a crystal ball at you, and talking to themselves.

"Well, you heard him, Luna," Celestia says.

"But Sister, wouldn't it be wrong to alter the physiology of ponies in a town?"

"We could try it just for a day. Who knows. Some of them might like having something between their legs. They're smart. They'll put two and two together."

"We are confused, Sister," Luna continues. "Isn't the act of intercourse between two people? Not four?"

"I think that's more a matter of opinion," Celestia replies. "Let's give him what he wants. For one day, and just watch. Who knows? It might be fun to watch."

"We think this is a horrible, terrible idea."

"I'll bet a triple chocolate delight cake on-"

"We take the side of he hates it!" Luna interjects, instantly. in.

The sun rises over Ponyville on a fresh new day. A day that you're dreading. You open your eyes, naked and sporting a massive blanket tent. You groan to yourself and curse your own physiology as you get out of bed and throw on some clothes.

You suppose the best thing to do is go apologize to Trixie about what happened last night. Despite the lack of sex, she's one of the few mares in town you can spend more than four hours with and still remain sane. So, you might as well try to keep that going. Who knows, maybe you can get a pity blowie every Hearts and Hooves day or something dumb, just like a normal couple.

Putting one foot in front of another, you walk out of your home and down the path into Ponyville, you notice that there aren't any ponies walking the paths. Which is especially strange, given the town is usually bustling by this time of morning.

As you head into town, you notice a large crowd has gathered around the center of town. Many of the ponies seem to be wearing... clothes. Weird. Is there a festival or something you forgot?

as you head on in, you quickly figure out why the crowd has gathered. You notice because of the ponies that -aren't- wearing clothes. Your jaw drops. Your eyes grow wide.

Genitals. Genitals as far as the eyes can see.

The mares who were facing away from you very clearly had these horse-like mare vaginas. Mareginas. And the stallions were sporting massive floppy horsecocks. Which seemed to not be going down, as they kept touching them and shouting in distress.

"What am I supposed to do with this?!" screams a stallion, whose cock trailed on the ground behind him. "The ground is like sandpaper!"

Holy fucking shit, Batman! Your wish came true. Which means, you won the grand prize of being able to bang your hot pony girlfriend.

Without another thought, you sprint accross town and arrive at Trixie's cabin in no time. You practically throw yourself at the door, but with your fist. You throw your fist at the door three times.

The door opens after a short moment, and a drowsy Trixie stands on the other side, rubbing sleeping sand out of her left eye.

"Who in Equestria wakes... the sleepy and irritable Trixie..." she says, stifiling a yawn in the process.

"Heya Trix," you say, scratching the back of your head, trying not to draw attention to your obvious boner. "I... wanted to apologize for last night. I got... well. Nervous. And I made a fool of myself. I was hoping we could just... put that behind us and... I dunno. Pick up where we left off? I just feel terrible about last night."

Trixie blinks a few times to bring you into focus, then sighs.

"You made Trixie very worried last night, but Trixie is just happy to know that everything is okay. That is... we're still okay, right?" she asks.

"Of course," you say. The edges of Trixie's lips turn up as she opens the door wider.

"Then in that case... where were we?"

You lay beside your marefriend, caressing her face with one hand, and pulling her close with the other. Your tongues intertwine in an intimate swirl of intensity. You can feel the tension building in your pants. This is it. You're finally going to get some. You did it! Just play it cool.

Trixie breaks off the kiss and a small trail of saliva bridges the divide between your lips.

"Anon... my chest is feeling so... hot," she moans.

There you go, Anon. Take it slow. Making love to a woman is like taking out the trash. You have to fill it up a little bit at a time before you can finally take out your dick. Or something like that. Who cares, sex now.

You begin to unbutton Trixie's upper nightgown as you plant sensual kisses on the inside of her neck. Her fur is warm and soft, like the warmth of a blanket after a good night's sleep but in the early morning before you have to go work your miserable job. Trixie's breathing grows shallow and her voice breathy as you undo the final button and open her nightgown. You pull away to look down at Trixie's soft, tufty chest when you see.

Wait a second. That's a fucking vagina. As in, a vagina for fucking.

Your mind goes blank for a moment as Trixie lets out small whimpers of impatience. Yes. Directly between her front hooves is a pony pussy. It's clit winks out at you in small bursts and it glistens in moistness.

Then you remember back to your prayer. Between the legs. Of course.

"Anon... please," she moans. "Touch me... I'm just... I need it."

Okay, this is fucking weird now. If you run out one more time, you can probably kiss this relationship goodbye. On the other hand though, chest cunt. This is not what you signed up for.

You raise a trembling hand, wondering to yourself how in the world this is your life, or what god or how many gods did you upset in order to punish you in this way? Either way, you know that you're just going to have to bite the bullet. You place your hand on the slick outer folds of Trixie's mammary labia and begin to trace the sensitive skin around it. You feel the opening with the tips of your fingers, and a light moan comes from Trixie's mouth.

Then, you pause, because your mind isn't quite over the fact that she has a chestgina. There is a hole that you are going to reach into her chest. It is perilously close to most of her vital organs. There is supposed to be a rib cage here. How the fuck does this even work? Like, if you reach in, what are you?

"Stop teasing Trixie, Anon!" Trixie yells, before grabbing your whole hand and shoving it inside of her chest, Kali-maw style, and thus, inventing a new Equestrian sex move. The Chest Burster.

What you feel as your hand plunges deep into her body is arguably normal. Her walls pulsate with a erotic intensity, her moans echo through her cabin as your fingers feel around her inner cavity. However, without a doubt, you feel her inner cavern rise and fall with her lungs. Yes, on either side, you clearly feel a pair of lungs. Then, at the very top, you feel her heartbeat. Without a doubt. That is most definitely the lub-dub of a beating heart.

"Give me more, Anon," Trixie says in a breathy voice. "Make me feel even better."

With a hesitant hand, you begin to move your whole arm in and out. When your hand brushes against a lung, you can see her face contort in pain and her breathing quickens. You do your best to keep going slow and pull your fingers together as to not touch a vital organ. When, of course, Trixie decides to take matters into her own hooves.

"Like THIS, Anon!"

She grabs your arm, and shoves it even deeper and harder into her chest. However, it also collides directly with her heart. Her eyes grow wide, and then, the heartbeat stops. Trixie's hooves fall to either side of her body.

"Wait. Trixie? TRIXIE?" you scream, one arm elbow deep in Pony Chest Poon, and the other slapping your marefriend's face. However, it's not hard to get a pulse. It's definitely not beating.

Then, in a stroke of pure horror, you know exactly what you must do. CPR.

You punge your arm even harder into her pussy, directly striking the heart in 5 evenly timed strokes. You breathe three times into her mouth, because that's the way you learned it. Screw whatever the new classes are.

"WAKE UP! THIS ISN'T OKAY. I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE MY ARM STUCK IN A DEAD PONY'S BODY!"

You continue your thrusting when Trixie takes a strong deep breath, and you feel her heartbeat return. You pull your arm out of her and immediately wipe a arm's length of juices out on her bed. Trixie stares at the ceiling breathing heavily.

"That was," she coughs, trying to catch her breath. "So hot."

"I'm breaking up with you," you say flatly, before heading to the door. "and I have to take a long, hard look at my life's priorities."

Trixie shoots up in bed as you head for the door.

"ANON! WAIT! Don't DO this to Trixie!" she cries.

You stop, turn on your feet and look at her.

"Trixie, I just about killed you, accidentally gave every pony in the world two genitals. Tell me why I shouldn't get the hell out of this place? Give me one good reason."

"But Anon..." Trixie whimpers, tears trailing down her cheeks. "You're breaking my heart..."

Author's Note

I'm about 60% sorry for this.