It Tells Me to Fill Your Bathroom With Bean Juice!
The Power Of Beanis Compels You!
By Fuzzyfurvert
sorrynotsorry
“Goddamnit.”
Sunset Shimmer grumbled, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. Next to her bed, her phone was loudly playing the dulcet sounds of Spiderbait’s version of Black Betty. She rolled over and picked up the phone to squint at the too bright screen and the offending caller’s name. Seeing Twilight Sparkle’s number and face on the display did little to soothe her frazzled mood, but she hit the Accept icon and held the phone to one ear.
“First of all,” came Twilight’s too excited for 2 A.M. Voice, “let me apologize for calling at this hour of the night.”
“This had better be important, Twilight.” Sunset groaned, tossing her bed sheet aside. “I feel like I just got to sleep.”
“Sorry! But I have something very important to discuss, Sunset, and I need someone with your experience with magic to ask some questions.”
“Very important.” Sunset growled tiredly, fishing around with her other hand for her bedside lamp. She found it after a moment's fumbling and switched it on. The sudden light made her eyes ache, and caused Adagio to roll over, taking all of the sheets on the bed with her into a fluff-filled blankie burrito.
“Just keep sleeping…” Sunset mumbled, standing and stretching out her stiff limbs.
“What?” The phone chirped in her ear.
“Nothing. What are these important questions that couldn’t wait until some less god awful time to ask, Twilight?”
“I wanted to know if you could give me your opinion on my magical experimentation with reconstituted bean paste penile substitutes! I’m writing a paper on it!” Sunset could hear some sort of commotion coming through her phone that sounded like Twilight was slamming something large and metallic around in the background. “I’m working on it now at the lab, and I want to get your take on things before the magic of excessive amounts of coffee runs its course!”
Sunset pinched the bridge of her nose. “You called me, at two in the morning, to ask about how I feel about that...beanis...you made for Rainbow Dash?”
“Yep!”
“You woke me up...for this?”
“Well when you say it like that, it makes me sound inconsiderate.”
Sunset glared at her phone, willing the sheer strength of her frown could reach through time and space to the other end of the line. After a moment she sighed, and put the phone back against her ear. “Okay...uh...well, to be fair, it was pretty impressive for someone that’s only just started studying and using magic.”
“Can you come down to the lab?”
“The fact that you—wait, what?” Sunset scratched her butt with her free hand and glanced at the phone again with a raised eyebrow as if Twilight could see her. “Why?”
There were more noises from the other end; metal clattering and the sound of a motorized can opener chief among them. Twilight piped up a second later. “I can’t hold the phone and take notes at the same time. Plus I’m busy with something else. Please, Sunset?”
Sunset opened her mouth to formulate an excuse when a thought struck her. “Wait, didn’t the lab burn down, along with the rest of the school building,” she covered her mouth with a hand and cast a glance back over her shoulder at the sleeping siren in her bed, “when Sonata and Aria had that night out?”
“No, I’m at the Canterlot High lab!” Twilight giggled, sounding just a little unhinged to Sunset. “Principal Celestia gave me a key and everything. She said that so long as I keep using magic to help the school win more sports and don’t kill anyone, I can work on whatever I wanted! She also gave me a key to her place and mentioned something about doing magical things to her, but I’m not sure exactly what that was all about.”
“Ugh...whatever. Look, Twilight, give me a little while to get dressed and I’ll meet you there. The sooner we get this out the way, the sooner I can get back to bed.”
There was more noise over the phone line, Sunset heard a distant yell and then the line went dead. “Yeah...I should probably check on her. Don’t want Canterlot High to go up in blaze like Crystal Prep. Or that burger joint.”
She groaned and thumbed off her phone app, heading for her dresser. Sunset pulled up the top drawer and snagged a pair of underwear, then nudged the sleeping house cat-sized pink pony there out of the way to take one of her sports bras. The tiny horse apparition whinnied and nickered tiredly at her before snorting and closing the drawer as soon as Sunset withdrew her hand.
One tense drive into town later, Sunset walked into the lab at Canterlot High, dressed, more or less awake, and filled with a sense of dread. The school and parking lot were dark and creepy enough by themselves, but her imagination was working overtime to come up with whatever situation she was about to walk into. Of all the things she’d thought up, walking into the lab and finding it not on fire, with Twilight Sparkle sitting at the bank of computers with her feet up on the consul and a plate of nachos balanced precariously on her chest was not one of them.
“Twi...what the heck is going on?”
“Oh good, you’re here!” Twilight held up a tortilla chip covered in cheese, sour cream and refried beans. “Want one?”
Knowing what she did about the beanis, and about its owner Rainbow Dash, and what Rainbow did with the beanis, and who she did with the beanis, the topping was less appetizing than usual. Sunset shook her head, feeling a little queasy, but she did take a seat next to Twilight in an unused chair. “No thank you. I thought you said this was important? When you said you were busy, I didn’t think you meant with dinner!”
“No, this is just a snack.” Twilight popped the chip into her mouth, crunching down on it and speaking around it as she sat up and transferred the plate from her breasts to the table. “I’m actually running a whole new set of beanii...beanises...through the kiln. I had some leftover beans, and hey, waste not want not, am I right?”
“You’re making more of them?” Sunset blinked. “Did Rainbow Dash break the thing? Or has her and Fluttershy’s kink sessions reached some strange new level?”
“What? No.” Twilight waved her hand dismissively. “I’m going to sell these! With how successful the prototype turned out, I’m sure these babies will sell like bean flavored hotcakes once I have a couple of good peer reviewed studies to back up the anecdotal evidence of how effective they are at being bean penises!”
Sunset blinked again. She was too tired for this.
“Speaking of which, you wouldn’t happen to know any sites online that would allow me to sell organic sex aids, do you?”
“What? No! What kind of websites do you think I frequent?” Sunset groaned. She leaned forward, laying her head and arms on the table. “This whole thing is nuts, Twilight. I mean, it is impressive from a purely magical fabrication angle, but it’s plain silly. You made a magical bean dick for Rainbow Dash to use as a replacement for her own dick—which is a whole other wrinkle to this crap—all so she can what? Not pay for Fluttershy’s birth control? How idiotic is that?!”
Twilight shrank back from Sunset’s outburst, the corners of her mouth turning down slightly. “Sorry? I thought I was helping. I want to use this magic stuff responsibly, Sunset, and not threaten reality with it.”
“Well, I don’t think the world is going to have to really worry about bean dick monsters rampaging around.” Sunset scoffed and folded her arms so she could prop her chin on them comfortably. She shot Twilight a weak smile. “I mean, so long as those beanii are just replicant dicks and can’t get anyone pregnant, we should be okay.”
“About that…”
Sunset froze, her throat catching as she processed that. She coughed after a moment and looked over at Twilight. “Please tell that they can’t get anyone pregnant.”
“Oh nonononononono!” Twilight laughed nervously. “Unless you mean pregnant with a bean plant or something weird like that. I would assume that the initial mashing and canning process renders the beans organically inert.” She grinned. “They’re all dead bean penises!”
“Oh thank god.” Sunset breathed a sigh of pure relief, mentally marking off one potential threat of half-human bean monsters trying to take over the school from her list. “Then what did you mean?”
“Hey, did I tell you that since I started making beanises, that I’ve gotten super into sculpting?” Twilight laughed nervously again, looking at the remnants of her nachos. “I think it’s starting to turn into a real hobby for me.”
“Why do you keep laughing like that?”
“You’d think I’d just use an injection mold. I mean, I did for the new batch, but the original one was made by hand. By my hands.”
“Twilight?”
Twilight twisted in her seat, taking off her glasses and polishing away non-existent spots on the lenses. “I used a model, of course. I wanted to base the design off the real thing for maximum enjoyment and usability.”
“...Twilight?” Sunset raised an eyebrow. “What are you telling me?”
“So...since you know that Rainbow Dash needed the beanis to replace her own dick...did she show it to you?” Twilight swallowed, unable to meet Sunset’s gaze.
Sunset blinked. She was too tired for this.
“No, she didn’t. I took her word...her very weird, awkward, gross word for it. She just kind of blurted it out to me when we were playing games at her place. Said she felt vulnerable about it because I didn’t ask to see it, which is something most people do. Apparently.” Sunset rolled her eyes. “She implied that tended to end with her quote unquote ‘balls deep’ in them.”
Twilight swallowed again, still unable to meet Sunset’s eyes.
Sunset opened her mouth again. She closed it. Twilight had worked from a model. Sculpted the original beanis to resemble the real deal as close as possible. “Oh...shit. You used...and now...are you...is that why...?” Sunset gaped, sitting back up to look her friend up and down.
Twilight nodded. “Yeah...so after the other beanii are done cooking, could you ride with me to the twenty four hour pharmacy? For moral support? Maybe pretend to be my mom, just incase the pharmacist has any uncomfortable questions? Please, Sunset?”
Sunset nodded slowly, wondering how many of her friends had been or currently were pregnant by Rainbow Dash.
