Starlight Isn't Scared of Butt Trolls
But Spike Is
A boy who knew not his role forgot to pay the toll
Lay his weary head atop his plush bed
Sweet dreams yonder, his mind did wander
And once fast asleep under his sheets the troll did sneak
Prying his legs so wide and bare to plunder his cave without even a care
The boy left torn asunder to the point he may chunder
Thick globs of goop his only scoop to his poor blunder
Words did echo
Pay the toll young lad, lest your hole be what’s had
~Ballad of the Butt Trolls
"So do you see now why I leave a book by my basket?" Spike asked, his hands planted firmly on his hips. The soft tap of his foot only accentuated his cocked eyebrow.
With a cough to clear her throat, Starlight searched around the bedroom, finding nothing to help the situation—as though something could help. When nothing presented itself, she dropped her gaze down to the serious looking dragon at her hooves. "S-Spike, I think you might need some different reading material next to your bed if this is what you’re reading."
Starlight placed a hoof gently on the book’s cover—a trashy romance novel, above his comprehension—and tugged it slowly back.
Suddenly the dragon slapped her away. "I’m not reading it!"
A flash of stinging pain shot up Starlight’s hoof. She pulled it back, babying it for a second.
"It’s the toll!" Spike returned his hand back to his hip. When Starlight looked at him like he was crazy, he elaborated. "The toll to keep the butt trolls at bay? LIke in the poem?” he asked, but Starlight was only more at a loss. “Didn’t your parents ever tell you about butt trolls?"
Starlight frowned and furrowed her brow, burying her gaze in the corner. "I can’t say that they did."
"Well, they’re bad news! You wake up with your butt feeling like it was ripped in two and there’s this gross snot stuff everywhere." He thrust a finger down at the book next to his bed. "So don’t take that book. It’s hard enough when Twilight takes it to read at night and then the butt trolls strike!"
"Twilight takes your book?"
"Every time the butt trolls strike, it’s always on her nightstand the next morning." He glanced over where the table would be if they were in Twilight's room. "Along with a few bottles." The image of bottles stacked tall almost reflected off his eyes for a moment before he shook his head.
Starlight cleared her throat again. "Spike, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but there’s no such thing as butt trolls."
He put on a cocky smile. "Then where’s all the goo coming from, Starlight?"
She scratched her cheek. "I can think of a few places," she muttered under her breath. When she noticed Spike growing impatient she laughed. "Just trust me."
"I’ve been burned before." He glanced down to the floor. "I mean, it feels like burning when you sit down after a butt troll visit—" he shook his head "—Look, I know they’re real. Dealt with this stuff first hand, so if you want to say butt trolls don’t exist, you’d better put your butt on the line, because it won’t be mine!"
"Okay," Starlight said, pressing her hoof to her forehead. "Why would butt trolls want a book of all things?"
"Don’t know; don’t care. I don’t question how butt trolls think." Spike pat the book next to him, a smile coming across his face. “But, don’t try to put this book away, it’s my ticket to not needing a hemorrhoid cushion tomorrow! Got it?” When he turned to Starlight a firm glare replaced his smile.
If nothing else, Starlight could sense a losing battle. She shook her head as she said, "Fine." She then turned her back on the baby dragon, closing the door and leaving him to his delusion. But while convincing Spike out of the non-existing butt-centered trolls may have been a lost cause, there was one aspect of this mystery Starlight had not given up on—for goo with the consistency of snot did not appear on a young boy’s bed on its own. No, Starlight suspected more.
As she rounded the corner she stroked her chin. "Nocturnal emissions is the obvious choice, but the soreness isn’t so clear. It’s almost like—" her train of thought came to an abrupt end when she bumped into someone at a hallway intersection.
"Sorry about that, Twilight." Starlight rubbed a slight sting from her muzzle.
"It’s fine," Twilight muttered with ears and shoulders drooped. "Ponies’ve been bumping into me all day, so what’s it matter…"
Looking the princess up and down, an almost tangible dark haze shrouded her miserable form. Starlight cleared her throat. "You feeling okay?"
For a brief flash Twilight’s ears stood tall and she straightened her back. "Just peachy!" she blurted out through a fake smile. "Just peachy," she repeated, dropping down to a depressed heap once more. "You know, I love listening to Rarity and Rainbow’s sexual exploits all afternoon, and constantly being reminded how devoid of meaning my romance life is."
Starlight groaned through her eyes since it’d be in poor taste to do so through her mouth at that juncture. "I should probably go."
"Yeah, sure!" Twilight blurted out. "Avoid me like everyone else. I’ll just be drinking my petty woes away in my room," she muttered, storming off down the opposite hallway.
Once Twilight slipped through her bedroom door, Starlight let out a small hum. "I’m sure that’ll work itself out…" She tried to take a step down where Twilight came from, but her hind hooves stayed glued. "At least that’s what I would’ve said before I met Twilight." Now with a sinking feeling in her chest, she furrowed her brow at the hallway. "I’m sure she’ll be fine until tomorrow, but for now I have to—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—" she glanced around the empty corridor "—especially to no one at all, but I have a butt troll conundrum to solve."
Later that night, Starlight sat from her perch outside Spike’s room. Nothing but shadows and the soft, infinitely reflected light of the moon off the crystal walls populated the vacuous hallway as had been the case since the sun went down. An utterly boring and wasteful night she would have otherwise spent muzzle deep in a book or her own snatch. Portals work wonders for masturbation, by the way, and she’d suggest it to any unicorn. But instead of bettering her mind or herself, she was stuck waiting for absolutely nothing to happen because butt trolls simply didn’t exist. She knew that, so why didn’t Spike?
What am I proving to him again? she thought as she spun the book she had taken from the dragon’s basketside idly on the sloppy, paint-covered floor. Slowly it sunk in that she already was bored—even before wasting her time camping outside a baby dragon’s room—if she had actually entertained the notion to disprove some mental delusion of a child’s. Oh, for Celestia’s sake, I need to get out more. Meet somepony. Because this? This isn’t how I pictured spending my nights when I was a teenager—camping outside a kid’s room.
Oh, no, I’ve become my mother… Starlight’s eyes went wide with her retreating ever further inside herself, tumbling down a rabbithole she wasn’t sure she was ready to dive down. That’s a midlife crisis waiting to happen if she ever imagined one. Nose in a book after making a horrible mistake? That’s my mother. At least I haven’t shacked up with the first stallion to knock me up and don’t have a kid yet. Wait, should I have a kid? That’d be a huge mistake. Then I’d be sitting outside that kid’s room, contemplating killing it to get my life back, just like—
The squeal of Spike’s bedroom door creaking open pulled Starlight back to reality. She shook her head, silently thanking whatever shadow just slipped inside at that moment for saving her from herself. Starlight leapt through the frame, splashing out into the hallway with a splat of paint. She burst inside Spike’s bedroom, horn aglow in a rainbow of color from the late Rococo she just hopped from. Between a splotch of yellow and green light, Starlight saw the culprit—the infamous “butt troll” that had plagued Spike so.
Looming over the baby dragon—already rolled over onto his back with his butt in the air—was a thick, throbbing cock, dripping pre and about to impale his taut butthole. At the base of the cock, Starlight found a familiar shape illuminated by the magical glow.
Twilight’s cutie mark.
Starlight raised a hoof, a mere instant from objecting when Twilight’s girthy marecock pierced Spike’s little dragon hole. His brow winced, but he didn’t open his eyes or show any other signs of waking from his deep slumber.
“Take it, you little bitch,” Twilight murmured, then thrust balls deep inside Spike with one go. Soon after she built a steady pace, never pulling all the way out, but cramming herself all the way in Spike’s tight confines.
“Twilight!” Starlight called out, slack-jawed and eyes wide in horror after staring in disbelief for moments.
The mare stopped her fucking, hilted inside her victim. Twilight looked to Starlight, her eyes distant and blinking unevenly. Suddenly her dazed, lust-filled look flipped into a ditzy smirk. She turned, dragging Spike off his basket by his butthole and hanging from her dick like a sock of shame. “Hey, Starlight!” she said with a hoarse laugh.
It was then a wave of booze-riddled stench hit Starlight’s nostrils. She covered her nose. “You’ve been drinking?”
“Duh. I told you I would.” Twilight glanced down at Spike dangling. His eyes still pained and breath strained from the massive intrusion in his frail body. After all, having a thick, throbbing marecock almost as tall as he was essentially replacing his spine for support would show through even the strongest sleeping spell.
She snickered to herself before idly humping her hips. Spike bounced forward before sliding back down the short distance to meet Twilight’s pelvis. Her drunken snickers built to a laugh as she continued bouncing the broken dragon’s bum on her dick.
"Twilight!" Starlight yelled again, igniting her technicolored magic. Spike pressed firm against the base of Twilight’s dick, no longer moving.
"Spoilsport," Twilight muttered, glaring at Starlight from the tops of her eyes.
Once Spike was still, she shook the globs of wet paint from her coat. "I camped out all night in a painting to catch whatever these butt trolls were that Spike—"
Twilight rolled back on her haunches, cracking up with Spike still stuck on her cock. "He believes in butt trolls!" she blurted out with no air in her lungs, leaving her voice cracked and hoarse once more.
“Why does he believe in butt trolls, Twilight?” Starlight narrowed her eyes.
Twilight snorted. “Because I told him!” Another chorus of laughter echoed through the bedroom.
Starlight stomped her hoof. “What the actual fuck!”
The drunken mare rolled onto her back, laughed louder than ever with the still-sleeping baby dragon held firm.
Suddenly a picture was forming as to how this situation came up. Starlight humored herself with a series of hypotheticals, and those hypotheticals followed as such. One day Twilight comes home, depressed about her romantic prospects after hearing her friends have gone on so many dates. Starlight saw that first hoof, so that’s granted. Say then that she drinks herself into a stupor to cope with said depression. Not so farfetched—Starlight could see herself doing so—so granted. In that drunken stupor an idea hatches to take out her sexual frustration on the nearest living thing she could reasonably get a dick inside—putting aside why Twilight has said dick in this scenario. Starlight groaned to herself. Her pet owl won’t fit, so Spike’s the next obvious target. He wakes up the next morning—because a sleep spell knocked kept him asleep during—with a sore anus and cum splattered sheets.
Starlight sighed as she pressed a hoof to her forehead. “So Twilight invents butt trolls off the cuff to keep Spike from hating her,” she muttered to herself. “Though the poem was a nice touch.”
That’s when she snapped. Starlight whimpered, throwing her hoof out wide. “You’re supposed to be the Princess of Friendship! What possessed you to rape your closest friend?”
Twilight cracked up more. “That’s what makes it so funny!”
“You’re horrible!”
Twilight brushed her off. “Just be happy you’re not the one on my dick right now. Then you’d be scared of butt trolls.”
“No, I wouldn’t! Butt trolls aren’t a thing that would exist in any universe!”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “So you wouldn’t be scared of butt trolls if you woke up with a sore butt and semen everywhere?”
“No, I’d assumed I had been raped in my sleep, and then go straight to the only other adult in the castle and question them. Like, why didn’t they wake me up?”
Twilight scoffed. “That’s dumb.”
“It’s called consent!” Starlight screamed.
“So, you’d want to be raped in the butt?” Twilight raised a skeptical eyebrow, concern growing in her voice.
Starlight slapped a hoof to her forehead, instantly regretting it as a ripple of pain made its way through her skull. Hooves are still hard, so that wasn’t a good idea. “Not in the butt! I’m a mare, Twilight. Other hole! Why do I have to explain that to you—another mare? You’ve been raping Spike for way too long if you forgot about vaginas.”
Twilight’s eyes widened, jaw going slack.
“It’s not like I’m getting any around here either,” Starlight muttered, just loud enough for Twilight to hear.
“So, wait…” Twilight closed her eyes for a bit longer than a blink and pressed her hooves to her head. When she finally looked back to Starlight, she simply stared at the unicorn in disbelief. “We could be fucking instead of screwing with Spike?”
Starlight waved her hoof back and forth. “No, no, nonono! You’re going to have to keep raping Spike at this point.”
Twilight cocked an eyebrow.
“You’re in too deep—”
Twilight glanced down at Spike and pulled him off her cock a bit after what Starlight said registered.
“No! I mean metaphorically! If you stop raping Spike all of a sudden, he’s going to suspect something and ask what happened to the butt trolls. You’re going to have to rape Spike on occasion until you can come up with an excuse he’d buy as to why the butt trolls aren’t interested in him anymore.”
Twilight nodded. “Yeah, if I stopped raping his butt, he might start getting cocky again—the little shit.” She accented by shoving Spike back down on her dick, forcing a small whimper from the passed out dragon.
Those harsh words muddled with Twilight’s biting tone dragged Starlight to a dead stop mentally. “Wait, so this wasn’t all just some mistake?”
Twilight laughed. “Yeah, his mistake. If he wants to go off making googly eyes at that slut Rarity, I’m going remind him who owns his ass.” She snickered again. “Because I’ve been fucking it! Get it?” She erupted in a torrent of laughs.
Starlight laughed awkwardly. “Y-yeah. I get it. So when you’re nice to Spike outside or around ponies?”
Twilight rolled her eyes and her head. “I am nice to him. Just not when he goes forgetting whose castle he sleeps in and who throws gems in his bowl. Besides, I still need to get off too, so win-win.”
She looked around the room, suddenly realizing just how bare it was. Just Spike’s basket, a small pile of comic books, and a little—admittedly creepy—stuffed Rarity doll. “Spike’s—uh—not really your friend, is he…”
“Iunno,” Twilight shrugged. “You think indentured servants are friends or not?” she legitimately asked with a curious expression.
Starlight nodded solemnly. Suddenly why Spike was left out of adventures and group hang outs was made apparent. Even Starlight herself was asked to come more often than not now, and Spike ostensibly knew Twilight the longest. And with him doing all the chores and such, it all made sense. That’s when a moral conundrum was proposed by Starlight’s subconscious. Should she stand up for Spike? Possibly, but she owed Twilight too much, and if Twilight was a princess, and Celestia gave her Spike, then it wasn’t Starlight’s place to interject. Clearly it was how things worked around Canterlot and Ponyville. And who was she to say what’s right and wrong? Clearly that didn’t help her in the past. No. She was happy, Twilight was mostly happy, and Spike was probably happy, so she shouldn’t impose her morals onto the situation. “I’m just going to go. If you need help with…” she pointed to Twilight’s crotch.
“What? Raping Spike?” Twilight squinted. “I mean, I can hook you up with a dick to do it, but—”
“No! The whole sex thing. I can do that. Just, either see me first or wash up after Spike, alright?”
Twilight snorted again. “Can do, Glimmybutt.” Twilight rolled onto her stomach, hips thrusting back and forth as she continued laughing. “Glimmybutt,” she repeated with a chuckle. “It’s funny because your name’s—”
“I get it…” Starlight rolled her eyes.
“And you got a cute butt!” The princess burst out laughing.
“I’m leaving.” Starlight said with a sigh and then made her way to the door. “Good night, Twilight. See you tomorrow,” she said before closing the door behind her.
Spike groaned, groggy-eyed and rubbing his butt cheek when he finally hobbled into the kitchen the next morning. Each step, his eyes winced and a quiet whimper made its way past his scaly lips. Grasped tightly in his non-butt-massaging claw was a donut shaped pillow that dragged on the floor as he made his way across to the table.
“Rough night?” Starlight asked, scooping up a spoonful of cornflakes and shoving it into her mouth. She crunched down, eyeing Spike as he crept along the flood with disinterested eyes. He finally tossed the pillow on a chair, and she finally put her gaze back in her cereal bowl.
“Twilight stole my book last night!” Spike hissed, both with his tone and literally as he sat down. “I thought it might’ve been you at first, but sure enough that dumb trashy romance book I stole from the library was on her nightstand!”
Starlight made a small sound of acknowledgement, briefly remembering she slipped that book onto Twilight’s nightstand while she was busy pounding Spike’s boyhole, and then shoveled more crunchtastic cereal into her still-stuffed mouth.
Spike stared at her, eyes focused in a fiery glare. “So, do you believe me now?” he asked, sarcastically, as he spread his claw open. He drew Starlight’s still-bored eyes down to his butt pillow pinched between the chair and his seat.
Starlight stared for a moment longer, chewing. Only the sound of her crunching filled the room, until the point Spike was about to lose his temper and slam a claw on the table. But with the mystery solved and Starlight possessing a new understanding of how things worked around the castle—Twilight getting drunk and Spike being her punching bag—
With her dick. The faintest sign of a smirk crept across her face.
She found herself unable to care about the tiny dragon’s woes. Of course she wouldn’t be shocked he needed a hemorrhoid pillow the next morning after Twilight literally hung him like a coat from her cock the night before, nor would she even pretend. This was just life for Spike. She knew the truth, and Spike—the poor bastard—would probably never know.
“Yeah, Spike,” she finally answered after swallowing. “I believe in butt trolls.”
He simply stared at her, slack-jawed. Once the realization sunk in, his eyes lit up. “You do?” he asked, hope daring to creep into his little voice.
“Yeah.” Starlight slid off her chair, levitating her bowl of cereal with her. “Still not scared of them though.”
The End
