A Night He (Won't) Remember

by An Unimpressive

Rating: teen
Tags: Rarity, Romance, Random, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2930

Rarity meets the stallion of her dreams, but he just isn't into her. Desperate measures ensue.

Rarity meets the stallion of her dreams, a soldier unicorn from Canterlot, but he just isn't into her. Instead, he seems to have an eagle eye out for cute stallions, so Rarity decides to take a few desperate measures.

Written for a fic exchange among the Equestria Daily pre-readers. My prompt was "Rarity meets the stallion of her dreams, but he just isn't into her." Banned from posting on Equestria Daily for entirely justified reasons.

Published 2012-07-12 14:44:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-12 14:44:03 UTC

An Elusive Mark

Rarity hummed to herself as she continued to tidy up the Boutique's interior. Everything had to be perfect for today. She wasn't quite sure why, aside from her normal desire to have everything as perfect and prim as ever, but for some reason, her intuition was telling her that everything had to be perfect on this day of all days.

She had just finished up a large order not too long ago, so as usual, her efforts had left the shop a mess. It had taken her most of the day to get things in order, but finally, her storefront was perfect.

Just then, a purple unicorn peeked in, looking lost. Rarity was just getting ready to close up, but she figured one more customer couldn't hurt anything. “Hello, and welcome to the Carousel Boutique, where everything is sleek, chic, and magnifique! I am Rarity, and how can I make your life more fabulous today?” She moved closer to get a better look at her visitor.

The unicorn resembled Twilight, in an odd way. He—Rarity couldn't quite be sure without checking in indecent places, but he looked more like a stallion than a mare, despite his feminine jawline—had a purple coat, a matching mane, and overall looked like something of a clone of Twilight. Except male. Rarity also noted he had a spyglass cutie mark; what that could mean, she wasn't quite sure.

“Er...” he said.

“Oh, terribly sorry! I just haven't seen you around town before. Did you just move to Ponyville?”

“No, no, I'm just visiting,” he said, moving further into the shop and taking all her expertly arranged scenery in. “Nice place.”

“Thank you! Shopping for something in particular? I must admit, I rarely have the chance to make anything for stallions...” It truly was a shame. Even the most eligible bachelors in Ponyville hardly paid any attention to fashion. Rarity certainly would not have minded seeing, say, Big Macintosh in a nice tuxedo, but that wasn't liable to happen soon. Truly a pity.

He chuckled, his eyes darting about nervously. “Oh, no. I'm... actually a little lost.”

Rarity sagged. Just another window shopper. “What a shame. At least have a look around, will you?” She gave him her very best pouty face.

He drew back slightly. “I... all right.” To Rarity's amusement, he went directly over to the mare's dresses and went through a few, only to shake his head and move on, muttering something to himself.

“So, what brings you to Ponyville...”

“Eagle Eye,” he supplied. “I'm just on vacation from the Guard, and...”

Rarity zoomed over, getting right in his face. “You're in the Royal Guard?! In Canterlot?!”

Eagle drew back, unused to such behavior. “Er... yes.”

“Oh, you must tell me all about it!” Rarity cried, putting a foreleg around him. She could never help herself around a pony in uniform. Or out of uniform, as the case was.

“Er, well, I don't know how much there is to tell,” he said, pulling away from her. “My job with the Guard isn't that exciting...”

“Oh, such modesty!” Rarity cried. “Why, you are just the very picture of the humble hero.”

“Shucks.” He grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of his head with a hoof. “Really, I haven't done anything important.”

Rarity felt rather foolish. She never did things like this. “Why don't we get a little better acquainted?” she said, sidling up against him. “There's a nice little bar, The Watering Hole, that you could tell me all about Canterlot at.”

For a moment, his face contorted into an expression of pure horror, then he recovered and said, “I... yes, sure. Why not? I'm in town for a few days.”

Rarity smiled, her mind already turning with plans.

Just then, Caramel walked in. “Rarity, I'm dropping off those supplies you're borrowing from Applejack!” he said.

Not taking her eyes off of Eagle, Rarity replied, “Oh, yes. Just leave them over there.” She gestured vaguely with a hoof.

To her surprise, Eagle Eye was eyeing Caramel with an almost naked lust. Rarity had read enough romance novels to recognize that intense gaze for what it was. “Drat, have I fallen for a coltcuddler?” she whispered. She watched, helpless, as Eagle clearly undressed the already naked and clueless Caramel with his eyes. That pony never had been too observant.

Caramel nodded and left.

Rarity noted Eagle's eyes never left Caramel's backside; she huffed silently. Caramel wasn't that good-looking of a stallion. She nudged Eagle in the side. “So I'll meet you there?”

“Huh?” He looked around, as though coming out of a trance. “Oh! Right! Drinking! Yes. Yes you will. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take care of a... thing. Yes. A... a thing.” He wandered out the door after Caramel, his eyes clearly seeking that swishing tail. Or perhaps what lied beneath.

Rarity was furious. Such a kind gentlepony, a member of the Royal Guard, and somepony who could maybe help her make some inroads into Canterlot... and he had to prefer gentlecolts. Well. She knew just the thing for that.

Rarity burst into Twilight's library. “Twilight! I most dearly need your help!” She skidded to a stop, just short of a large pile of books in the middle of the library.

Twilight looked over from the book she had been reading. “Oh my gosh, Rarity, what is it?”

Rarity was quite aware that she probably looked a mess; she had been working hard all day, and she could feel her mane hanging positively limply about her face. It was a wonder that charming stallion had paid attention to her at all. Then again, some ponies enjoyed a wet mane every once in a while. Rarity filed the information away in her “How to Manipulate Ponies” section of her mind.

“Well you see, Twilight, it's simply horrible.” Rarity put a hoof to her forehead in despair.

“Yes?” Twilight asked, drawing nearer as her eyes shined with concern.

“Out of all the things that could happen...” Rarity lit up her horn in preparation.

Twilight's face fell into an unamused frown. “It's the 'worst possible thing', right?”

Rarity huffed in disappointment. “Well, yes.” She canceled her “summon chaise lounge” spell. “I assure you, dramatics aside, this is something that is most grave, Twilight.”

“Why, what's wrong?” Twilight's eyes again took on their determined, yet compassionate sheen that Rarity admired so.

“I...” Rarity paused. How could she even put such an absurd request into words? It defied logic. It defied sense. And yet... “I want you to make me a stallion!”

Twilight stepped back, taken aback. “Are... you all right, Rarity?”

“Am I all right? Am I all right? No, I am most certainly not all right.” Rarity leaned forward and draped her forelegs around Twilight's neck in an awkward embrace. “Twilight, you see, something very important was made quite clear to me today...”

Twilight shushed her with a gentle hoof on her lips. Understanding shimmered in her wide, expressive eyes. “You don't feel comfortable in your own skin? Oh, Rarity, it's okay. I'm here for you.” Twilight embraced a confused Rarity back. “I know the feeling. For the longest time, I envied pegasi, and I would spend hours and hours when I was a young filly asking Princess Celestia how I could get big, feathery, long wings just like hers...” Twilight shuddered. “She wrapped me in those wings once, do you know that? Just feeling all those feathers tickling you, yet I felt so safe, like I never wanted to leave. I was too young to understand the feeling then, but looking back, I think I was in lo—“

“Yes, yes, that's very fascinating, Twilight,” Rarity said, eager to return to focus of the conversation to her, “but let's focus, shall we?” Ignoring her friend's annoyed stare, she went on, “You see, I've met a charming young stallion come from Canterlot, and I simply must get to know him better, but he seems to have eyes more for the colts than the fillies. Do you know what I mean?”

“Oooooh.” Twilight flushed with embarrassment. “Sorry, I didn't mean—“

“Oh, it's quite all right. So then, do you know of any spells?”

Twilight glanced at her with narrowed eyes. “But... turning yourself into a stallion? Are you sure? This seems a little extreme.”

“Oh, he's worth it,” Rarity replied, licking her lips.

Twilight chuckled. “If you say so. Still, a spell like that—if I could even find one—would be tricky to pull off and trickier still to reverse if you ever changed your mind.” She pulled a book from a shelf with magic. “What if I just make you look like a stallion for 24 hours?”

Rarity started. “Well, I suppose that would do... don't the illusion spells you know require constant focus, though? It would look a bit suspicious to have you following me around all night with your horn all aglow.”

She grinned. “Oh, I figured out a neat little workaround.” She flipped to a page and pointed at a section, filled with highly complex spellcraft Rarity couldn't have understood if her life depended on it. “It's pretty complicated, but all it comes down to in essence is I just enchant your coat rather than projecting a continuous image or transmogrifying your—“

“Twilight, please. This is important to me. I'm supposed to be meeting him soon!”

“Oh, right. Well, I'll just get started then... but be warned, anypony who knows you well enough will see right through the illusion.”

“Why's that?”

“Well, it's due to the harmonic interference effect caused by the interaction of personal—“

“Twilight!” Rarity did not have time to listen to magibabble.

“Sorry. In short: because shut up.” Without any further babbling, Twilight focused on the page and lit up her horn. Rarity felt the sheer power of Twilight's magic lift her into the air and wrap around her. Having Twilight work on one with her magic was something of an experience; the talented little thing was the Element of Magic for a reason. After only a few moments, the power surrounding her faded, and Rarity gently dropped to the floor.

“Did it work?” she asked anxiously.

“Take a look!” Twilight said, dragging a mirror over.

Rarity examined herself. Her muzzle was now much more squared, and while her mane looked the same, she clearly appeared to have a lot more size to her. “Dear, do you really think I'd look so brutish?” Rarity blinked. “Wait, if the illusion doesn't work on those I know well, then why do I see myself as a stallion?”

Twilight rolled the mirror off and chuckled. “Well, you see, this mirror actually shows everypony as the opposite gender. I've been studying it on behalf of Princess Celestia, although I don't know why. Apparently, it was discovered in her chambers not long after the Discord incident, and I'm to make sure it doesn't have any dangerous magic.”

“How curious. Anyway, I must be off. Thank you again, Twilight!” Rarity called as she ran out the door. She just needed to make a quick stop at home before she went to the bar.

In mere minutes, the magicked mare materialized outside the bar, having trotted the entire way there. “Okay Rarity, no need to panic. You're only impersonating a stallion for the sake of possibly seducing a coltcuddler.” She let out a quiet “hmph” and rearranged her mane. “With any luck, stallion me will look like just his type.”

She stepped in through the swinging doors, only to see a most uncouth band of ruffians patronizing the place. “This is why I don't come into these sorts of places,” she muttered, eyeing the drunken sods. The interior decoration wasn't bad—largely reminiscent of Appleloosa and other frontier towns—but the clientele left something to be desired. Ponyville could be so unrefined at times.

Across the room, Eagle Eye waved at Rarity, who moved over and sat down with a smile.

“Hello, Eagle Eye,” Rarity said, trying to make her voice sound deeper.

“Hi there, Rari...” He rubbed his eyes. “Wait, who are you?”

“Oh...” Rarity coughed. She hadn't thought of how to explain “his” sudden presence. “I'm... Rarity's brother. She sent me over here to let you know she couldn't make it.”

“I-I see.” His eyes traveled along her body as she sat down at the booth, joining him. “Wow, you even have the same cutie mark.”

“Yes, we're uh... twins.” Drat. She hadn't even considered having Twilight give her illusory coat a different cutie mark.

He nodded, although his cocked head made it clear he didn't quite follow. “Well, I guess since I'm here, I may as well grab something...” He glanced at her with half-lidded, sultry eyes. “Don't suppose you'd mind filling in for your sister?”

Feeling giddy, Rarity replied, “Oh, I'm very good at... filling.”

He grinned and enthusiastically called for two drinks. When they arrived, Rarity took advantage of him being distracted by the smarmy, grey-coated colt who brought the drinks to slip the tablet she had brought from home into Eagle Eye's drink. “And now, I play the waiting game...” she murmured as she watched it dissolve almost instantly.

“What did you say?” Eagle Eye gave her a hungry look.

“Oh, nothing, nothing.”

“You're a very mysterious pony. A little elusive, even.” He paused. “Come to think of it, what is your name?”

Rarity chuckled nervously; she had failed once again at planning. “W-well, funny you should say that! My... my name is Elusive.”

He smiled a goofy grin. “Well, how about that. Here's to my awesome guessing skills, Elusive!” He grabbed his glass with magic and raised it aloft.

“I'll drink to that,” she replied, raising her own glass to respond. She watched carefully as they clinked together. It wouldn't do to have any of his drink get into hers. Oh no. She had to be sure he swallowed all of her gift to him. Her eyes glittered as she sipped from the sweet-smelling drink he had ordered. Tonight was going to be a night to remember. For her, at least.

A few minutes later, Eagle Eye was in the middle of saying something funny about his boss in the Guard, only for him to pass out on the table mid-sentence. Rarity concealed her grin as the ponies nearby gasped. “Don't worry, don't worry, everypony. I'll take him home,” Rarity said. With luck, none of the ponies present knew her well enough to see through her disguise.

She grabbed Eagle with her magic and carefully dragged him to the door. A thin line of drool dribbled onto the floor as he floated along. She stopped at the bar and slipped the bartender fifty bits. “You didn't see anything,” she whispered.

The colt with the messy, black mane nodded and snatched the bit coin off the wooden counter with his mouth.

Rarity felt a twang of regret. Poor earth ponies, always having to use their mouths for everything. “I'll make sure he gets home,” she said a bit more loudly.

“Make sure he's okay. He's like a brother to me,” the suddenly teary-eyed colt manning the bar said, placing a hoof on Rarity's shoulder. He winked slyly at her.

Rarity nodded solemnly, glad for her sudden accomplice's complicity. “I will.”

She exited the bar without incident and had to restrain herself from giggling. Her prize was all hers.

A short trot later, she and her perfect stallion had returned to the shop. She threw open the door, cackling like a madmare, only to see her sister, looking up from a drawing she was working on.

“Rarity, what are you doing?” Sweetie Belle asked, her eyes wide.

Rarity looked down at her sweaty body, the unconscious, girly-looking colt she was carrying, and said, “I'll tell you when you're older, Sweetie Belle.”

“Aw, but what if whatever you're doing holds the secret to getting my cutie mark?!” Sweetie Belle bounded to her hooves, full of youthful enthusiasm for learning about all of life's secrets.

Rarity's left eyebrow twitched. “No, no, a thousand times, no!” Ignoring her sister's heartfelt “aww” at once again being left out of adult matters, she floated over a generous handful of bits. “Here, go have some fun with your friends.”

Sweetie looked, open-mouthed, at the ridiculous amount of bits her sister was giving her. “A-are you sure, Rarity?” She didn't bother to wait for a response. “Wow! Thanks!” She sprinted out the door.

Rarity exhaled a sigh of relief. So what if she'd just handed over most of today's profits? She had come this far, and she deserved to be able to enjoy herself.

She kicked open the door to her bedroom and set Eagle Eye down on his back. She panted, suddenly overcome by exhaustion. She wasn't used to carrying much more than a bolt of cloth, and she was amazed she had kept him off the ground the entire way over to the Boutique. Still, she had to be able to enjoy her reward...

Rarity cackled as the door swung shut, trapping her with her comatose prize.

Eagle Eye opened his eyes with a hiss of pain, raising a foreleg to block the sun's rays. “What did I do last night?” he mumbled, noting his sore rear. Suddenly growing aware of a weight on his chest, he looked over to see the studly unicorn colt he'd gone out drinking with in bed next to him. A foreleg was draped protectively over Eagle. “Oh, Luna damn it, not again,” he whined.